There is no process. There is no spoon. I had to eat my soup with a ladle.

Victor trying to talk me down from an impending panic attack about me not knowing what the hell I’m doing in my life:

Victor:  Dude.  Just calm down and breathe.  Just…trust the process.

me:  But I don’t have a process.

Victor: Well, maybe not having a process is part of your process.

me: YOU’RE JUST SAYING A BUNCH OF RANDOM BULLSHIT THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Victor:  No, I’m trying to make you calm down and stop freaking out.

me: No, you’re just trying to get me to shut up so you can watch TV.

Victor: Well, both actually.  And that’s my process.

Me: Well, it’s not working.

Victor:  Really?  So what exactly was it you were so worried about?

me: Um…FUCK.  I can’t remember because you distracted me with bullshit.

Victor:  Exactly.  Trust the process.

247 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Trust the process :) I think he may have something there

  2. Bless you, Victor!

  3. I feel another pin in the shop coming on…”Trust the process” with a big ole’ pile of steaming shit. Beautiful.

  4. My husband says “Calm down, Spartacus.” That always makes me feel better!

  5. And now we see Victor’s equivalent to Laura’s method of talking you down. Good thing you’re surrounded by people who love and know you so well. (( FYI, I don’t seem to have a method either. Hugs to both of us! ))

    toni in florida recently posted Yay for an honorable mention!.

  6. 6
    Holly (a.k.a. adoreprince)

    I love process. We all need more process.

  7. I always forget what I was freaking out about. The worst is when you finally remember what it was and it starts all over again.

    Sheri recently posted #BlogWest 2012 Conference: Edmonton, Alberta Mar 8 – 10, 2012 @BlogWest2012.

  8. I just tried to imagine my husband and I having dinner with you and Victor…I mean, I didn’t try…I actually successfully imagined it. It went pretty well. Mostly, because we went to a restaurant where they had endless guacamole but also because Victor and James (my husband) got along really well and you and I got along really well and it was sort of like husbands against wives, and wives won but everybody was still friends in the end and also, there was guacamole.

    Um…because sometimes when I read your conversations with Victor, it’s like reading a blog about my own house…that was my point. I forgot to mention that.

    Jessica recently posted How To Be Married: Supporting Your Spouse's Goals.

  9. I’ve never left a comment although I think you are awesome and I have now cheered up two of my friends with big metal chickens (although they were roosters so we called one Jay Z and the other Big Ass MoFo), but my husband does that shit with the “process” and I could not let this go unremarked (don’tcha just love that archaic phrase?). And he is always about watching the TV, and then he gets that freaking weird male TV deafness….WTF is that about? And did I forget to tell you that you do not just rock, but you inspire? My chickens were not as large as Beyonce, but I did give one to a friend (ring and run BTW) who was having a Christmas in-law holiday meltdown, and thanks to you, she got through it. Just sayin’.

  10. The man’s a genius!

    Sarah Rooftops recently posted On (or Off) Facebook.

  11. Does Victor have a twin? Because that? I need to marry THAT.

    It's Just Mo recently posted New Year.

  12. Damn husbands and their processes. What, do they think they know us or something?? :)

  13. I have a husband who is always calm and collected which tends to piss me off even more when I’m on the war path. Then he does this bullshit where he mocks me a way that makes me laugh, taking all the seriousness out of my very serious meltdown. If it wouldnt buy me a beat down from PETA I may take half of a terribly interpreted page from your book and throw puppies at him.

  14. I hate when you can’t remember what you were complaining about, it makes it seem so insignificant!

  15. So, is this puppy worthy bullshit or was it effective enough to be forgiven?

  16. much better than my current process of stripping naked and running into the yard.

    BTW my new neighbours hate me.

    Does Victor think this is related?

    Kelley @ magnetoboldtoo recently posted I hardly see what this has got to do with mythical creatures from Harry Potter now… oh, you didn’t mean Hippogriff? Hypocrite … ahhh rightio then….

  17. I love TV!

    Marinka recently posted Hooky.

  18. Trust the process. Or process the trust. Just don’t trust the processed cheese.

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted Another Reason Why You Can’t Take Me Anywhere: Dim Sum Broccoli.

  19. That’s pretty smooth, right there.

    Sergeant Van recently posted “Give me some cover fire, I’m about to do something stupid!”.

  20. I love the process! genius!

  21. You obviously need to keep Victor around. Or buy more spoons. One or the other. Depends on how much you like soup, I suppose.

    Steve D recently posted #340 Submit!.

  22. This sounds so familiar to conversations I’ve had with my husband. And all of it ends with him un-pausing the TV and sighing loudly. ;)

  23. Some times crazy relationships are great. Been married almost 18 years and together for 21. I don’t get niceties (bullshit) saying I’m being dumb. He really doesn’t understand there is a process, he seriously only sees it as me being stupid lol AHHH, true love so varies to what we need :)

    Val recently posted Uber Busy Day, But So Thankful.

  24. victor is either brilliant or evil. or both. probably both. i’m voting for both.

  25. convinced that i’m truly ayn rand’s intellectual successor (screw you, dr. pekoff), i’m all about process. strictness. rigidness. even when it’s about having panic attacks. ;)

    nicole recently posted puggle paleontologist.

  26. mmm.. matrix reference. nice. One of my favorite lines.. “Ohh, what’s really going to bake your noodle later on is, would you still have broken it if I hadn’t said anything? ” How I enjoyed the Oracle, with all her knowing & vagueness. btw.. Victor is pretty cool, even if he does induce the puppy binging from time to time. I think sometimes, that is just a “man thing”. Everyone has a process.. even if it’s not thought of that way. Another favorite line of mine, but from a song.. “If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice.. I choose free will.” So, basically, what Victor said. There is a process, really. And it’ll be ok.

  27. Hehe This made my day. Trust the process and trust Victor.

    Eli recently posted Georg snoring.

  28. I swear I’ve had this same exact conversation with my husband before.

  29. Love it. It’s reading things like this that makes me feel that maybe there is someone out there that will not only put up with my…unique issues, but help me do something about them. And make me laugh – even
    (or especially) at myself (not that I NEED that someone, but it would be nice ;))

  30. That man is an evil genius. Good on you for spotting quality merchandise and snapping him up before another girl got her mitts on him. “Trust the Process” – Winner, winner chicken dinner.

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted The Kitchen Window Sill Herb Garden: Herbs At Your Fingertips.

  31. Hm…my husband would like your husband very much.

    Instead of ‘trust the process’ I get ‘babysteps’ and ‘RELAX’. (The relax part doesn’t work, the babysteps part does sometimes).

  32. Smart man. I wouldn’t say “trust the process” but “trust your spouse.” They know you better than anyone.

    Eric Storch recently posted Autism, As I See It..

  33. Hilarious and yet I completely sympathize with you. I have similar conversations with my friends when they’re trying to calm me down. And this probably doesn’t make you feel better, but it’s really comforting to me to know that someone I admire as much as you also doesn’t know what the hell she’s doing. That’s usually what my panic attacks are caused by.

    Amanda recently posted her courage, her sincerity, and her flaming self respect..

  34. I don’t have panic attacks, but I do work myself into a frenzied tizzy over all the [very random] islands of life I want to conquer, with no seeming plan or purpose. My husband’s way of talking me down is just as circular and nonsensical as Victor’s… and it works on me, too.

    Gesci recently posted Travels and Trips to Europe.

  35. The process sucks, but it’s the only way to keep sane.

    Travis Mamone recently posted Farewell, Mark Driscoll.

  36. I feel like there’s an entire book filled with examples of Victor being wise when faced with crazytown.

    I think Victor should get to edit though. For accuracy. ;)

    JimK recently posted Re-discovering an old musical friend.

  37. Hahhah he’s a sneaky genius, all right..

    Mayor Gia recently posted The Magnet Story Again: Save a Tree, Eat Beaver.

  38. Hubbies have a sneaky way of doing things like that. They’re good like that. :-)

  39. and here I am thinking you are LIGHT YEARS ahead of me. You have a huge support system in place, thousands of DIEHARD fans (myself included), a book coming out, and still, you are having panic attacks about motherfucking life… Oh Jenny, it’s so good to know that any success I achieve will never deter my neurosis. Thank you.

    Thank God Victor has a process, by the way… I am shocked and amazed by his effectiveness!

    Your life will continue heading down amazing paths and we will always follow. XO.

    danielle recently posted Comment on EASY Cheese-steak Sammie Recipe:Sloppy-ish Josephs (mmm fatty fat fat) by Andrea.

  40. 40
    Jerri DesJarlais

    he’s a keeper!

  41. I mean, technically a ladle is a really big spoon, so there is a spoon after all.

    Also, Neo is a pansy.

  42. But you’re doing something. You’re doing lots and lots of stuff. That’s something. I’m not doing anything. I’m the only one who gets to panic.

  43. I love Victor.

  44. Do not try and bend the spoon – that is impossible. Instead, really try to realise the truth…

    PS. Don’t panic too much about Life…’cause none of us know exactly where we’re going, or even if we’re going anywhere! It’s not supposed to be perfect.

    Claire J recently posted What Story Does Your CV Tell About You?.

  45. (1) Agree with Chrissy – hate when husbands mock us until we laugh! Arg!
    (2) I think while both Laura and Victor had equally effective methods of distraction, his involved less eventually abandoned puppies but hers included brief encounters with cute puppies (and lets face it – who can NOT be happily distracted by a cute puppy? Even a theoretical one? Admit it – you were cheered up until the multipling of puppies began) so she wins.
    (3) I am helped when in the midst of panic about my life path to remember the kid who said ” So … the point of life is to stay alive as long as possible?” because (a) that is essentially true and (b) I am still alive so therefore winning, yay me! And yay whoever else is reading this so therefore alive … you’re winning to! Yay us!

  46. Victor should be a therapist. He’s at least as good as I am in getting my clients to de-escalate ;)

  47. not a bad process….

    shiloh walker recently posted The winner of the GORILLA!!!.

  48. Victor has the same philosophy as my husband. My husband often “accidentally” calms me down so he can get back to watching tv in peace!

    Rea recently posted Attention to detail.

  49. That was extremely sneaky. I’m glad it worked.

    alaina recently posted Federal Offense..

  50. Cheese and rice.

    I swear, if you were younger or I older, and your name was Robin, I’d think this was a conversation between my youngest daughter and her husband.

    Only his name isn’t Victor.

    Screw the process, trust the chaos.

    awesomesauciness recently posted In Solidarity…..

  51. I am going to use “Trust the process” as a mantra. My husband usually tries to solve everything when I meltdown–which just makes it worse. Maybe he needs to trust the process…

    Caitlin recently posted my son dressed me today.

  52. Victor gets you. Hubby gets me too. Except when HE WON’T FUCKING VACUUM. Then he doesn’t. Then he’s just a dick pickle crab rabbit.

    Annadanna from Canada recently posted Are we sure *today* wasn't Friday the 13th?.

  53. Victor is a fucking genius.

    Jen on the Edge recently posted Blackout.

  54. HOORAY for Victor, his process works! You be thrilled you have Victor!! My hubby has a “process” to get the house fairies to complete all the housework while he watches tv. This is a process that doesn’t really work for any of us.. no me, not him and certainly not the fairies.

    The Hubby Diaries recently posted How Early Is Too Early (and other male traits).

  55. I had a shrink once who bemoaned to me the modern world’s obsession with the end point, finish line, final product when the focus should be on the process to get to that end goal. If this was the case your process would be held up as FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

    kim at allconsuming recently posted In a house of wild things….

  56. I get this feeling that Victor knows you better than you know yourself. I get that feeling about my husband, too.

    Casey @ The Baker Bee recently posted Football!.

  57. 58
    Michelle Sneller

    Got to love the male Chromosome. And they wonder why we worry enough for the both of us!

  58. Mine just asks me if I forgot to take my meds….

    Men….smh

    Kas recently posted So Sorry…..

  59. good husband, everytime i get scared/suffer my husband gets angry and calls me manipulative, sorry that’s not funny, but i wanted to say it out loud…. sigh!

  60. 61
    Imperfectmomma

    Isn’t it great how they know how to piss us off and yet can help us chill out within the same conversation?

  61. thank you….. i needed that this morning.

    Trish recently posted getting some produce love from the garden in january!!!.

  62. It is a very good process.

  63. Trust the process. Brilliant, simple and sure beats the hell out of let-me-worry-myself-into-an-ulcer.

    Becky recently posted Dad Looks Like a Lady.

  64. Is it OK if I marry both of you? At the same time? We can claim to be mormon or something.
    You two are both so awesome and I want to be part of it!

  65. It seems almost as if Victor can read you like a book. Or, maybe he read your book.

    Good to know it worked, though.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted Spotted On Teh Twitterz: For want of a spell-checker….

  66. 67
    Bleeping Amazing

    Victor sounds a lot like my husband when I’m about to go off the deep end. LOL

  67. I think his may be my new criteria for marrying someone: just have the ability to distract me from myself. Perfect.

  68. Love Victor, hate the husbands’ abilities to negate what we’re upset about. It’s important to US dammit! However, I love the “trust the process” comment over my husband’s “what’s wrong with you” comment, because you want to talk about adding fuel to the fire? That’s the phrase to do it, right there. :)

  69. Master Po.

  70. As long as neither of you say “process” like “pro-cess” then this post is hilarious!

    Amanda @FancyOatmeal recently posted Deja Food.

  71. Victor is a dadgum saint. Someone email the Pope already. Gah.

  72. Needed this today. Maybe your purpose in life is to be the catalyst that helps the rest of us speed up our own processes. Or slow them down. Or just feel better about them. I’m not really sure how chemistry works.

  73. When I get like that, my daughter thinks it’s hilarious to flippantly state:
    “Stress less, Princess”

    I tell her: “Strangely enough – that DOESN’T help.”

    Ezz recently posted [Shoestring] Recipe – Nepalese Curry.

  74. My process is flawed and it makes my ass swell..

    ragemichelle recently posted Dreadmill Vs Elliptisuck.

  75. Awesome!

  76. I see why you married him. Bullshit, towels and philosophy.

    Kat recently posted This is me freaking about something that won’t happen for 13 years.

  77. My better half does that to me a LOT. You know being type-A and all, I am really quick to spaz out and bounce off the walls. Distraction seems to work best for me. Granted, it doesn’t make whatever I’m bouncing over go away, but if I can forget about it for a while…it helps. Trust the process. ;)

    Jules recently posted I may be a little slow…..

  78. When I find my husband, I want him to be kind of like your husband.
    But less baffling.
    And more enthusiastic about random pieces of metal made to look like chickens.
    I’ll settle for just a wee little bit less baffling.

  79. I love that he calls you “dude.” You gotta give the guy credit….he really does “get” you. You should consider keeping him around for a while.

    Sj recently posted Closing The Books On 2011.

  80. Effective. He’s a keeper.

    Pam @writewrds recently posted Happy dance for #tailwags.

  81. we all get distracted by bullshit. victor is crafty. crafty like the fox. similar to hungry like the wolf but a little less sexy. not that victor isn’t sexy. wait…actually i’m not sure about his sexiness, but the fact that he is married to you makes him sexy. sexy by proxy.

  82. NAPOLEON! Trust me. That makes sense. Quotes from plays about S&M always make sense.

  83. Can I call Victor the next time I start wigging out?

  84. –>I yell, “What’s the plan, Phil!?” at my husband and then get mad when he doesn’t respond. It may be because his name is Tim.

    WebSavvyMom recently posted An Interview with my 5-year old.

  85. i love victor :) he clearly knows you well.

    ann @ my life as prose. recently posted traveling in the 1st trimester: a recap & lessons learned..

  86. Victor is a tricksy bastard! I basically have this debate with my cat whenever I feel The Ick rising. I share this in the hopes that other sufferers of panic attacks who argue with their cats may know they are not alone.

    Beesus recently posted In Which An Old Man Calls Me A Ridiculous Bitch.

  87. 88
    fussybritches

    Victor’s process seems worth trusting.

  88. I love Victor. And YOU are all kinds of awesome!

  89. You inspired early, before-6am-commute Photoshop work: http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7175/6725555017_4410b43541.jpg

    Kella recently posted Demand to speak to life’s manager!.

  90. Sounds like my hubby!

    Andrea/Confessions of a Daydream Believer recently posted Do You Have School Today?.

  91. There’s actually a picture of me eating soup from a large bowl with a ladle.
    It worked, for whatever that’s worth.

    Allyn recently posted Wasted Wednesday: Homemade Kahlua.

  92. You think people will ever stop mentioning metal chickens in comments?

  93. Okay, now if Victor brings home towels he’ll be forgiven.

    well done!

    Lori recently posted Cancer can kiss my ass..

  94. Is it ego-centric for me to tell you that the thing that you’re doing with your life is to make ME happy?

    Probably so.

  95. I often eat soup with a fork, if its that krappy ramen noodle kind you make with hot water, i get more noodles that way and less of that salty sludge like stuff that masquerades as broth (if you let it get cold it gest scary looking) so that makes it better to me. Also, if its good soup sometimes i just drink directly from the soup bowl especially if there’s no one to observe.

    this is not related to soup or process, but i would totally love and wear a T-shirt with the bodice of the Traveling Red Dress printed on the front in full color. I would buy them for friends too.

  96. I think I had a similar conversation with my husband over 3D Slots….he’s addicted.

  97. Good one, Victor. Sage advice.

    Craftwhack recently posted I Take Pictures and Eat Salad and Hate SOPA.

  98. I love Victor and think you’re perfect for one another. That being said, I’m 100% certain Victor hung up the phone, patted himself on the back and said, “Damn, I can’t believe that accidentally worked. Damn, I’m good.” And had some chips and salsa and probably a beer.

    You should still come home with a puppy. Just out of principle.

  99. The man is clearly a genius.
    And so is his process.
    I has this same process and I testify that it works ESPECIALLY when your family and friends end up twitchy O_o

    Hikeezy recently posted Lard Fusion.

  100. good job Victor. His process is way better than my hubby’s

  101. Do you not remember the wisdom of the little bald English kid in The Matrix?

    THERE IS NO SPOON

    If I were god.... recently posted WHAT IF GOD IS CHEATING ON US? part V.

  102. Trust the process, and sometimes not having a process is the process. Words to live by! Victor is wise, Victor is the name of the Lone Ranger’s nephew’s horse.

    Tina, Escrow Goddess recently posted She is called Replacement Dog for a reason, either that or my vet is working me for the cash!.

  103. Here’s a thought on the process… dump Nathan and go for Hugh.

    Hugh’s the kind of guy that, when you are dying of cancer and want to make a special video for your wife, he’ll be there to help.

    http://www.godvine.com/Man-Gives-his-Wife-a-Touching-Birthday-Gift-Before-Dying-of-Cancer-1033.html

    And Nathan won’t pose with string? Pffft.

    M

    Michelle McCleod recently posted When I Procrastinate I Design Furniture and Upcyled Knick Knacks.

  104. Victor is awesome.

    Courtney recently posted Photo.

  105. I believe that process is something that one learns early on but if you were absent, like I was, it seems as if you spend your life playing catch up.

    thegirlfriendmom recently posted Does A Stapler Really Need To Be Sexy?.

  106. I love the dynamic between the two of you!

    Jen recently posted Get Fit Murfreesboro (Weight Loss Challenge) Pt. 2.

  107. Ha ha! Viktor sounds like a good man.

  108. Ugh! “Calm Down and Breath” never works for me…it just pisses me off more! Just let me sit in the corner behind the fridge until I hyperventilate and pass the hell out!

    Dee recently posted Wait...what?!?! (with gusto, I might add...).

  109. Ha! LOL funny. I’m in school to be a therapist and our professors say that to us all the time. And every time, I want to answer, “Are you people f’ing insane?” But I never do, because it would be unprofessional, and hey, my entire career goal appears to be to become one of those people who say, “Trust the process.” So, um, go Victor!

    Wyndes recently posted One Month.

  110. Victor is like a fucking Bodhisattva.

    Cindy Reed recently posted The Reedster Does Old People Yoga.

  111. Please say Thank You to JelloM and put that pin in your shop; I’ll buy it. (comment number three – don’t act like you didn’t see it, people, because if you read down THIS far you are a thorough individual)

  112. I was about to forward this one on to my Husband who I “claim to be useless” when it comes to my panic/anxiety issues… but then you totally proved Victor was right. And, um… I can’t admit defeat?

    SUPAHMAMA recently posted My very first apartment..

  113. Victor’s process is brillant. Sometimes we needs a little distraction to help take our mind off the cliff (especially if we are afraid of heights).

    Tara recently posted A day late and a dollar short.

  114. All I could think – the entire time – was “Serenity now”. Sorry. Trust the process seems to me to be the same thing. And we all know what happened (well if you watched Seinfeld). Don’t trust the process – if it made you forget what your were upset about.

    Serenity now – Trust the Process – Beyonce mysteriously appears someplace guaranteed to embarrass Victor. Or a purchase gets made for no apparent reason that dwarfs Beyonce in size and scope. Dwarfs fighting cobras. Dwarfs all that has come before it.

    TRUST THE PROCESS – SERENITY NOW – UNEXPLAINED ONLINE PURCHASES

    synonyms

  115. 116
    Carl Strauser

    You know what would be cool?!?

    If Victor had a blog and he gave his side of the story. Sort of like “He Said, She Said”. Without the coffee mug tossing cuz that would be hard on Victor, getting tagged by coffee cups all the time. He could call his “The Processor”.

    The Bloggess and the Processor. Think about it.

  116. Victor is a good husband! My husband does similar things to me when I’m feeling panicky. That, or he tries to distract me with shiny things. Also an effective process.

    Sarah recently posted Finding Joy.

  117. As I was driving home in the dark last night, wondering if I had enough money in my bank account for a candy bar, I asked myself why it was I needed, wanted, must have a candy bar, and I realized it was my way of easing anxiety. Seriously anxious for no reason and only chocolate would help. This revelation of course explained why, when I quit smoking 20 years ago I gained 20 pounds, and why I am still eating junk and often, like it’s my job or something. I kind of wish I would just freak out completely and get it over with, because this eating is more self harming than anything else I have done in awhile. Anything for distraction.

    Michelle Young recently posted Disappearing Nine Patch.

  118. I’ll tell you what you’re doing with your life, you are making all of ours better!

    Your stories make me laugh, cry, and laugh so hard I cry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve tried to explain one of your stories to my coworkers (unsuccessfully) with tears and a super squeaky voice. So please, next time you start to panic, remember that at least one person is going to panic even more if there aren’t more posts for her to read because I seriously need this escape since drinking at work is not an option.

    With that said, Victor is pretty much an evil genius. Not like really evil, but like Dr. Evil or someone else that you don’t really take seriously as an evil character. Whatever. I don’t have to explain my random thoughts to you. I’m pretty sure you have a copyright on randomness.

  119. My husband gives me the “Okay, crazy lady,” look, sometimes accompanied with the “Okay, crazy lady,” uh-huh, which makes me laugh and somehow gets me off the ledge. That’s our process.

    Emily Guy Birken recently posted The Snark.

  120. HaHa Sometimes talking in circles really IS the right strategy

    Abby recently posted Easily ENTertained.

  121. Truth is none of us know what the next step in life is, have to wait until you finish the step your on. It would seem that I get to different places in life and just roll the dice to see what is next. The best thing in the world is having someone next to you saying “don’t worry we’ll get through it” “we’ll figure out something” it’s my husbands way of saying “trust the process”. Somehow we always get through it and he keeps pushing me forward even when I want to curl up and stop. I think it’s time to play hopscotch on the step we are on and we will see what tomorrow’s step looks like tomorrow, personally I am hoping for a good game of kickball…. :-)

    Michelle recently posted I’ve been away for far too long….

  122. My process is largely one of avoidance and passive aggression.

    Teresa recently posted Are the SOPA Blackouts a Study in Irony?.

  123. Back up – what was on TV?

  124. TRYST WITH THE PROCESS! TRUST!

    neers recently posted wanted : a seraphim.

  125. Victor for president!!

  126. This is important. DO NOT TRUST THE PROCESS. That stuff RUINED my hair.

    Katie recently posted Imagine Jenny McCarthy As Your Masseuse, But Like, Not Really.

  127. Trust the process. I’m totally using Victor’s process in today’s office meeting.

    Phoenix Rising recently posted She thinks you're really going to like this post..

  128. I love the way that you and Victor are together. Like peas and carrots….

    Johi recently posted Freedom to be.... in a trance..

  129. Okay, this man will be very useful as the husband of a woman with a book coming out. Keep that man around.

    Teresa Hill recently posted Romance at Random presents… Reader Rally!.

  130. well done Victor!

    got to love a hubs that knows exactly how to distract you from your own mind.

  131. Sometimes the process is like magic.

    Suniverse recently posted Oh, the benevolent internets..

  132. Yup. This sounds like a conversation between me and my husband. Man, I love panic attacks.

    Jenna
    callherhappy.com

    Jenna@CallHerHappy recently posted Book Review: The Underside of Joy.

  133. This is an opportunity – inform Victor that buying towels is part of the process.

  134. Process Schmocess. Trust the Bullshit. It’s got us this far.

    Jonah Gibson (@aimlessjonah) recently posted Economics Professor Gets Schooled.

  135. I trust Spongebob. Spongebob calms me down. Unfortunately I’m not kidding.

  136. Sounds like a winning process! The anti-process process!

    jennie jackson recently posted Too comfortable?.

  137. It’s amazing how many people get bogged down with “what am I doning with my life?” I like the quote/saying/annoy phrase (whatever) – Life is what happens when you aren’t looking.

    While I realize ambition, drive, unhappiness… whatever, all have to be catered to, people should remember while they ask “what am I doing, where am I going?” what they have. Take stock. Do you really need a new path or a planned direction?

    I have my own personal crazy, but it has two simple (well they sound simple but somedays they are impossibly hard) cures. 1. I pray and ask God to carry my worry. He knows I’m tired and imperfect and sometimes just the act of asking for help lightens the load. 2. I stand in the shower and scream. I cry. I yell and fuss and make a mental mess of myself then I take a deep breath and walk away because, really, what the fuck can I really do about it anyhow?

  138. Distraction is a great process, even if it doesn’t feel like a process. And hang in there, you’ll be fine.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted This is how Zombie Disease is Spread.

  139. There is something about anxiety and panic that can make you absolutely hate people when they try and calm you down and act rational.

    I think it’s that you totally realize you’re ‘overreacting’, but you just don’t need people pointing it out to you.

    Unfortunately I’ve slowly learned that as irritating as logic is, in the end it always wins.

    Sarah recently posted Intentions.

  140. Victor could be a Bond villain with sneaky reasoning like that…or a fortune cookie writer. I can see myself finishing up my Kung Pao Chicken and cracking open a stale cookie to find Victor’s words of wisdom staring up at me. Though I’d rather see a picture of Copernicus. :)

    Michelle recently posted I'm Potentially the Worst Mother in the World.

  141. You have a great husband!

    Ivy Wilde recently posted I kissed a girl... and she liked it!.

  142. Up or down you’re awesome, Jenny, but I think Victor is my new hero.

  143. Well, shit! I think this is what my husband has been doing to me for the last few weeks. I can barely remember what I was freaking out about. All I remember is crying late last Wednesday for 30 minutes, laughing for ten seconds, crying for about two minutes more and then wishing I knew whether to laugh to cry and just giving up and I did nothing. No laugh, no cry, just put on my PJs and went to bed confused. My husband’s a fricking genius!

    Christine Bobowski-Powell recently posted It's a gray day.

  144. If you need more distractions via bullshit, try the Republican primary in South Carolina.

    No. Just talk to Victor.

    Fred Miller recently posted Online Piracy is Sexy.

  145. That man is GOLD!
    … and, for someone who clearly has no idea what she is doing – you’re doing a damn fine job. XXXOOO

    Janet NZ recently posted The School of Essential Ingredients.

  146. It would be really great if you could clone Victor and send one to me in the post. Thaaaanks.

    Lisa recently posted Femininity is pretty awesome... Don't worry I'm not burning any of my bras, this isn't that kind of blog. .

  147. That process always worked in my house. Distract from the problem so it is forgotten about.

    Brett Minor recently posted Get the Groundhog Here...NOW!!!.

  148. God, I’m so distracted now I’ve forgotten what I wanted to say to you, damn you both xx

    Tom Stronach recently posted A Dishonourable System of Honours.

  149. I’m right there with ya sister. Being the type A that I am have started my mid-life crisis a couple of years early…. there is no process, and no point to the process,

    angelica recently posted Day 30: one word for 2012.

  150. Gotta love it when the husband hits one out of the park. Way to go, Victor!

    P.S. We’re all really proud of you for doing all the things in NY that were scary for you. Way to go, Jenny!

    Mrs. One Day recently posted Hit the Lights!.

  151. Thank God you gave it a title. Other people call me disorganized and scatterbrained, now I’m calling it a PROCESS.

    Ashley recently posted Bad Thoughts and Bus Accidents.

  152. Can you be my marriage counselor??? ‘Cause we really need one who sees things my way.

  153. He’s like the Yoda of bullshit. Verily, I am in awe :-).

    Enrique Gomez recently posted Call me Logan.

  154. Cannot count the number of times I’ve said to people, “Choosing to not make a decision at this time is making a decision.” It works in a zen kinda way, much the like “Trust the process.”

  155. Nice work, Victor! He should set up a hotline so all of us can “trust the process” during our panic attacks too.

    Motherhood on the Rocks recently posted MY DAUGHTER, THE ADDICT.

  156. Trusting the process is the secret of life. I firmly believe it.

    Charity recently posted Riding bitch with a topless Megan Fox.

  157. “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans.” — John Lennon
    “Kitties are a mixed bag. Life is a mixed bag.” — my husband
    Take some pressure off yourself for finding the perfect plan. In hindsight it is all going to be a mixed bag anyway, no matter what you choose. Just do the best you can and enjoy all the blessings that you have.

  158. True story:
    On my first day of my second class in grad school (that had nothing to do with philosophy) the professor (who had been teaching for over 50 years and was easily 10,000 years old) stood at the front and said “Without the concept of ownership, what is property? Does it exist?” And some dude said, “Well the Indians didn’t have a word for ‘mine’ but they had a tomahawk, so tomahawk is property.” And the professor said “Tomahawk isn’t property. Tomahawk is tomahawk.”

    And all I could think about was the kid in the Matrix telling Keanu not to bend the spoon, there is no spoon. And at that point I turned to the girl next to me and said “Oh shit. There is no tomahawk.” And I mentally checked out. Minute 3, day 1, class 2.

    Random recently posted I don't blend.....

  159. Genius. My husband hasn’t learned that particular art form yet. Instead he just gets frustrated and leaves the room. Perhaps Victor should start an online class to teach others his gift.

    Jaime recently posted Too many words about a subject most people don’t care about.

  160. 161
    musictheorysean

    I also have no idea what I’m doing in my life. However, I’ve recently been pondering the possibility that my dharma (life’s-purpose) is simply to learn to be directionless. This allows me to indulge in my uncertainty.

    Also, Victor is awesome.

  161. I recently “came out” to my boyfriend about just how bad my anxiety and depression are. So yesterday when I was freaking about about having to go downtown to pay my parking ticket (I’m afraid of mailing things. I don’t know why.), he drove me and insisted that if anyone tried to arrest me, he’d make sure I got due process. But he wouldn’t bail me out because it would be a good excuse to read all day, in jail.

    Yep, he’s awesome.

    Dana the Biped recently posted The Land of the Living.

  162. I think I love Victor.

  163. please send me your address… my husband would like to send Victor a sympathy-six-pack. ;)

    Amanda recently posted making peace….

  164. I’ve had this exact same freak out EVERY night for the last three weeks. However, because I’m currently living in a barren apartment in a small Mexican town, I spent the first few nights crying to the gecko that was climbing up the wall.

    It’s tough to say for sure, but I’m guessing that’s what killed him.

    bschooled recently posted The Wonderer.

  165. I love Xanax :) oh, and Paxil, and uh, wine……….

  166. Bless you, VIctor!
    At our house the key phrase is “Lighten up, Francis!” – Sgt Hulka, Stripes

  167. That man is exceptionally remarkable.

    tokenblogger recently posted So a couple of my blogmates are having a trial separation….

  168. see sometimes men know what we’re doing

    Steve recently posted real corned beef.

  169. “There is no process, there is only ZuuuL!”

    Tori Deaux recently posted Guess Whose Site Is Up For Finalist In The Tasty Brand Awards?.

  170. We men are awesome when it comes to process.

    Especially when we are trying to watch TV.

    So, Jenny, did you seize the moment and go buy a Crack Puppy?

    And black towels?

    Don’t disappoint us.

    We need histrionic puppy excess.

    Plus more SOPA towels.

    hogsatemysister recently posted I Usually Like Old People, But Peeing on the Moosedawg’s Gate Crosses the Line….

  171. There’s a process? What? Honestly, you stop paying attention for FIVE minutes…

    Sorry to hear you were having a freak out. I just wanted to say I’m glad that Victor can knock you off your exit-all-areas trajectory so well.

    J. x

  172. Excellent job, Victor.

  173. Yeah, but if the process touched you inappropriately as a child, how can you really trust it? Just saying.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted You Didn't Ask, But Here's the Answer.

  174. Just discovered you in the last week, thanks to a FB friend, and am already an ardent fan of your blog. Anyway, love the chicken! A group of my friends and I call each other the “birds” (backstory: one of our shared special education students, who recently moved away, cursed like a sailor, calling everyone “bitch,” so we just started saying “bird” to each other….). About Victor and his “process” — some of my friends have commented they don’t think I’m as “happy & cheerful” lately . Sent a long, rambling text to Husband yesterday, and his response was basically, fuck ‘em. Gotta love rational men.

  175. I think my husband took lessons from Victor.

  176. As a project manager, sometimes I think one get’s bogged down in process. I can say, with all due modesty, that I am organized and have a process. And seek out processes to calm me down. And yet, I can sit in front of a canvas or some minor craft project and be completely afraid of being creative, because I’m afraid of doing it wrong. Yes I’m in therapy.

    Where’s my Victor?

  177. Bravo, Victor. Sometimes, distraction is the key.

    Karen Sanders recently posted Bits of Truth... all quotes: .02098.

  178. 179
    Eggs In A Row

    Um, just as an outsider, I must tell you that you not knowing what you are doing with your life seems to be working just fine for you. 1000s of people a day want to know what you not knowing what you are doing with your life.

    That, my friend, is all the process you need.

    Eggs In A Row recently posted When Faking It ‘Till You Make It Doesn’t Work, There Is Always Blogging..

  179. I was feeling low today, then I read this post. It made me chuckle.

  180. Potato.

  181. Maybe Victor was just channeling you. You’re the queen of random bullshit that ususally doesn’t make any sense.

    And that’s why you’re are so beloved kiddo.

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted It seems we have a canine contortionist.

  182. LOL! .. I love how he calls you Dude =P

    Cafe23 recently posted How to Create a Perfect Valentine’s Day (or Any Special Occasion!).

  183. my husband says this sounds luke us and he wants to meet victor

  184. Gotta love that man. But seriously—-what’s with men calling women “dude?” I just don’t get it. But maybe it’s just me who gets bothered by it. Because I am the founder, CEO and President of the itty bitty titty club. So I kinda get bent out of shape when people call me dude………..

  185. Nobody has any idea what they’re doing. As far as I can tell, everyone is winging it, just with varying degrees of confidence being exuded while doing it.

    Seriously, Jenny. Stop and think about this: you have no idea what you’re doing, and yet you manage to move people to laugh and cry and come together and you make the world a little brighter even while you fight the darkness and you author several blogs and kick @$$ & take names on Twitter and wrote a book and occasionally you drive Victor the teensiest bit batty (but only in the best and most hilarious ways) and we love you for all of it. Maybe you could, after all, “trust the process”. (PS I do. I call it “faith.”)

    aka Gringita recently posted But that might be cheating.

  186. I must admit I began to feel the glimmer of a panic attack when I read that there is SUPPOSED to be a process – mainly because I don’t have one either. But then I finished reading and Victor calmed me down too….damn! He’s good.

    Gigi recently posted A "grown-up" post, of sorts, where I give you my point of view....which, as usual, has me riding the fence.

  187. What the hell would you two freaks do without each other?

    Carri recently posted Mommy’s Little Cowboy.

  188. I need a victor….so I don’t kill someone

    Lori recently posted in which I hold a crying child. That isn’t mine..

  189. 191
    AnotherAnonymous

    That is amusing. And see, it helped–sort of. Since you forgot what you were panicking about. Also, you might want to get some more spoons…

  190. He’s like a fucking Yoda.

    in bed with married women recently posted The Princess Who Couldn't Come.

  191. 193
    Jennifer Becker

    I linked this one to my husband as a suggestion for what he should do next time I appear to be suffering from the part of the prodrome stage of my migraines where I seem to lose my mind and become this irrational horrible person. I figured maybe you wrote this one just for me…which means I am also either paranoid or narcissistic. Anyway, if you count the mood disorder thingy, the horrible vertigo and the three days of horrible migraine pain, it’s been 6 days for this one. I suppose I ought to be allowed some insanity by now.

  192. I am SO glad I’m not the only one who has panic attacks about not knowing what the hell I’m doing with my life!

    Gwen recently posted Adventures in Babysitting.

  193. I love Victor. I love you too! :)

  194. My guy says “you can get through this. Have a beer.”

    It works

    Pish Posh recently posted Does This Beer Make My Elbow Look Fat?.

  195. We love Victor! Trust the process…

    WilyGuy recently posted Ink Rulz.

  196. I know what the hell you are doing with your life, you are connecting with tons of people and letting them know that the craziness that flows through our lives is not singularly felt.
    And saving the world from bears.

  197. Process is another word for “what I thought I was doing before I stopped and suddenly ended up doing this.”
    I mean… I like having goals and making plans, but I always end up scrapping them– and I usually like where I end up instead. So– don’t fret! What’s the point?

  198. And just like that, I am in awe of Victor’s awesomeness!

    Heather recently posted Deceptively Delicious or Yes, I am Tricking my Children Into Eating.

  199. After seeing your vlog the other day…I just can’t hear that sweet little angelic voice belting out “FUCK.”

    Wait. I just tried to visualize it again.

    Yes, I can. Yes…I totally can hear it now.

    Sounds precious.

    Carrie recently posted If it weren’t for snakes and deranged attackers I would probably be ok with being single, I think..

  200. And that is just one of the many reasons Victor is awesome! Are you going to nominate him for sainthood any time soon?

    Amanda recently posted The Pillow Thief.

  201. 203
    Holly Waterfall

    You are all truly amazing! I think we need to have fortune cookies with cool sayings like “Trust the process” or else a mouse pad with all these cool sayings. Or maybe Victor could write a book entitled “Life from the Rational Edge” or something and disperse all sorts of cool wisdom through that.

  202. I love Victor. But I love you and Victor together even more.

    Brenna recently posted Live blogging the Evanescence concert in retrospect.

  203. Don’t you just HATE it when they confuse you and junk? Next time he’s ranting about something, break out with ‘Baby Got Back’. Hasn’t failed me yet.

    Ickaboo recently posted PSA Thursday #1.

  204. The husband tries to be all calm and reasonable when I get all hyper-ventilate-y…it really pisses me off! :)

    Dee recently posted This girl needs more Jesus!.

  205. Processing the process is the hardest part.

    Joy Ribisi recently posted New Printable PDF Items and Giveaway.

  206. Damn, I’m pretty sure he’s a genius. Geniuses can be so annoying.

    TriGirl recently posted April the Athlete.

  207. He knows you so well, doesn’t he?

    And I’m going to have to remember that “trust the process” crap next time I get in a funk.

  208. The process sounds a lot like The Force, without the cool toys and the multi-million dollar merchandising rights…

    …it also sounds like you’re fucking up his process…. could that be a part of YOUR process, perhaps??

    Lost.in.Idaho recently posted Fashion Faux Pas - Pajama Pants in Public.

  209. Sneaky!

    Hannah recently posted Everyone Loves a Quickie.

  210. The same stunt my husband pulled when I was in labour. I was trying to push out his child and he was trying to tune in CNN. (How I wish that was just a funny anecdote.)

    Anyhoo…back to you. ‘We got the funk’ just doesn’t mean the same when it’s not a load of us getting down and boogeying. Uh uh, I said boogeying. Hope you can ‘get down’ soon, Jenny. HMSx

    HerMelness Speaks recently posted The Bermuda Triangle Age Of Women: Contains Scenes Of Mild Threat.

  211. I think Victor might have got you there!
    His process seemed to work well!.x

    Rachel recently posted Valentines Day Ideas.

  212. OT, but I think someone needs to send Eva at The Journal I Wish I’d Kept a Traveling Red Dress, stat. (I would post this elsewhere, but I’m not on Twitter or Flickr.)

  213. 215
    Barefoot Liz

    Hey, whatever works! I tend to have to go into my own fantasy land in order to stop an impending panic attack.

    Barefoot Liz recently posted Home Sweet Hospital.

  214. My process? He who bitches the loudest usually wins. Sometimes the kids win and we all fall off the ledge.

    The Middle-aged Mommy Meltdown recently posted Don't like the rules? Just run away from home.

  215. 217
    Brattus Rattus

    My brother tells me to “put the bullet back in your pocket, Barney Fife”.

  216. That Victor. He’s a good egg.

    Julie the Wife recently posted It's Whoreticulture Friday! Issue 76.

  217. My boyfriend, after providing support and condolences which fall on deaf ears, will tell me “you don’t want solutions do you? you just want to FEEL better” so true. and then I kinda feel better.

  218. 220
    serena jones

    This is the same process I use to cure myself of hiccups.

  219. When my husband wants me to calm down he pretends he’s a crab, and side walks out of the room while snapping his pinchers.

    Bryn recently posted Oh Donuts...and orange juice.

  220. I don’t know what I’d say about a the crab thing.

    Charity recently posted Eat the brown lettuce, you little fuck.

  221. Sometimes the process needs a do-over: http://pinterest.com/pin/172755335675913371/

  222. That sounds exactly like conversations between me and my husband…EXACTLY!

    Sarah M. recently posted The Best Pre-Race Disney Dining Options in Walt Disney World.

  223. I think you should test Victor’s sexiness quotient (per Gina’s post). You have Beyonce. Can you find socks large enough to fit her? Then you could post side by side pictures of Victor and Beyonce and let your readers vote on whether Victor is, indeed, sexier than socks on a rooster.

  224. I’m still stumped on trying to figure out WTH “the process” has to do with soup. or spoons. or a ladle. Doesn’t take much to confuse me, apparently.

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted NOT a Girly Girl.

  225. Typical exchange between me and my guy, who is a firm believer in preparing for the end of the world.

    Him “We need to work on getting your bug-out bag together.”
    Me “One with mesh so the cats can breathe.”
    Him “If the world falls apart and we have to hike out of here we are NOT bringing the cats.”
    Me: “I’d be the one carrying them.”
    Him “We’d have to let them go and fend for themselves.”
    Me: siilence….
    Me: “Now I’m sad. What if the zombies get them.”
    Him “Jesus.”
    Me “Well it stands to reason….world ends, zombies. I can’t deal with that. And they don’t weight THAT much.”
    Him “Forget it, I’m sure we’ll never have to really bug out.
    Me: “I’d need to bring food, too.”
    Him “Oh for the love of God.”

    Repeat every two months or so.

  226. Here’s a process I think you can get behind:

    Top 10 Lessons for Surviving a Zombie Attack
    1.Organize before they rise!
    2.They feel no fear, why should you?
    3.Use your head: cut off theirs.
    4.Blades don’t need reloading.
    5.Ideal protection = tight clothes, short hair.
    6.Get up the staircase, then destroy it.
    7.Get out of the car, get onto the bike.
    8.Keep moving, keep low, keep quiet, keep alert!
    9.No place is safe, only safer.
    10.The zombie may be gone, but the threat lives on.

    (I assume you already own a copy of The Zombie Survival Guild by Max Brooks?)

  227. Well, for not knowing what you’re doing with your life, you’re doing a really good job.

    I’d like to be you when I grow up. Well, except I’d be a man. A man version of you. Haven’t decided on the red dress yet. Maybe a nice pair of red dress pants. Or a blazer. Maybe the dress.

    Brian recently posted An Uncelebrated Popcorn Day.

  228. How can we not love Victor?

  229. 231
    Spin doctor small

    I pull a Victor on my boyfriend everyday… except he’s not having panic attacks. Usually he’s just sitting there. Then I bullshit him into a crazy fest. It’s awesome. Now that I think about it, it’s totally a process.

  230. A no process process. I like it. I’m totally bringing that up in the next board meeting I attend.

    Which will be never… but it never hurts to be prepared.

    Eric recently posted What's In A Word?.

  231. My husband once talked me down from a major panic attack by getting me to tell him details from our last date at the mini golf course. You’d be surprised how easy it is to forget about whatever you’re panicking about when you’re trying really hard to remember how many times you knocked a pink golf ball into a fountain.

    (8 by the way. 8 times.)

    Untypically Jia recently posted Happy Birthday @AmzngSpiderMatt!.

  232. Victor is a useful and witty man.

    Melody Platz recently posted Unstuck, A Brave New Page.

  233. Men aren’t always completely stupid, just most of the time.

    At least you forgot about what was freaking you out to begin with, right?

    Unless it was important, then Victor deserves an ass whipping for this. Or a ride in the Tardis to some strange world.

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Stop SOPA, PIPA And Repeal SB 1867: Save Our Personal Freedoms And Constitutional Rights.

  234. My husband tends to start consoling me with kind words, sweet gestures, and then ends it with some horrendous statement that is so awful and so much sadder than what I’m feeling that I laugh.

    Example:

    *While hugging me and rubbing my back *

    “Sweetie, you’re doing a fantastic job. I know this is rough and you’re feeling panicked now. But it’ll get better. Plus, I ran a bus-load of fluffy puppies off the road with my car.”

    Maria recently posted IRS: I Really Suck, Guys.

  235. It is SOOOOO awesome to have someone who knows you and knows what you need. You win!

  236. Trust the process indeed… Of course, you can always distract him with boobs or a giant chicken, right?

    Elsmama recently posted Blog for Choice Day.

  237. hahaha. thats hilarious. i am loving your blog.

  238. I think Victor might have a good idea going. Next time I start having a panic attack I am going to tell myself to Trust the Process.

    Rhonda recently posted HOLES IN THE FLOOR OF HEAVEN.

  239. When I start freaking out about stuff like this, my husband just grabs me in a bearhug and refuses to let go while loudly repeating “HUGS!” until I calm down enough to talk rationally. This only works if I am not freaking out about something he did though…

  240. I need a Victor. Does he have a 33 year old-ish cute brother willing to move to Sacramento, CA?

  241. I get sudden anxiety attacks over not knowing where my life is going too. I’m only 22, but sometimes it feels like I’m failing in every aspect with no direction on how to stop it. o_o Then I cry for 15 minutes or so, and my boyfriend kind of looks at me until it stops. He accepts it but doesn’t have any advice for something that isn’t really a problem, which is just fine. <3 Apparently it is common to have no clue what you're doing.

    Maybe I should just embrace it.
    I don't need to ask directions! D:<

    Don't make me turn this car around.

  242. Well, you did it again..made me laugh too hard before I’d finished my first coffee in the morning. Now I need to go back to bed.

    Calgary remote support recently posted Don’t Want IE 8 or 9? Too Bad You’re Getting it Anyway.

  243. My husband and I both enjoy reading your blog and getting a good laugh. After reading this one my husband has said that he feels for Victor, because he “knows what it’s like”. I pointed out that I had never brought any taxidermied animals in to our house. He just laughed. Game on, dear husband. Game. On.

  244. There is no point in ME having a process if you go and blow my cover. And I know my cover has been blown because my girlfriend just sent me THE LINK!

    Well there goes my TV watching.

  245. Hold on tight to that guy! Total keeper.

    Qi Ting recently posted Vegan Double Chocolate Chunk Cookies (Reduced Fat & Whole Wheat)).

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