This candle-stick needs an intervention.

Conversation I had with a shopkeeper at a resale shop today:

me: Can you go any lower on the candle-holder in the back room?

her:  No, it’s in really good shape.

me:  Yes, but looks like it has erectile dysfunction.

her:  Oh.  Well, it gets hot in here in the summer.  But the candelabra is still very nice.

me:  It looks like it’s very disappointed to see me, and possibly needs to be medicated.

her:  Um…?

me:  I think your candlestick holder is clinical depressed.

her:  What?

me:  I think I need to have an intervention.  With your candle-holder.

her: …

me: I have anti-psychotics in the car.

her:  Oh.

Victor:  She’s not threatening you, ma’am.  She thinks she’s trying to help.  Just tell her it’s not for sale.

her:  Oh.  It’s not for sale?

me:  BACK OFF, VICTOR.  IT HAS A PRICE-TAG.

Victor:  Yes, and we have three very flammable cats.  Do you see the issue here?

me:  Yes.  The issue is that you’re jumping to the conclusion that the candle-holder is going to have a murder/suicide just because it’s depressed.  This aggression will not stand.

her:  Technically it’s called a candelabra.

me:  Look lady, I’m pretty sure you don’t want to get into semantics.  Your candle-thingies are depressed and need my help.

Victor:  She’s partially right, ma’am.  Just back away slowly before you get any more involved.

me:  IT’S ME AND THIS CANDELABRA AGAINST THE WORLD.

her: On the contrary, I find it highly entertaining.

Then she gave me the candelabra for free and it immediately perked up and started working in a half-way house for other candelabras with erectile depression AND SAVED SOME LIVES.  Or at least, that’s what happened in my mind.  In real life Victor made me leave and no lives were saved.  And that’s why I need to remember to bring my own credit card to the shops from now on.

**************

It’s Sunday so that means it’s time for the weekly wrap-up.  Yeehaw.

Painting courtesy of @fattieart (J Rose)

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed on my satirical sex column:  (Moderately safe for work if your boss isn’t a complete douche-canoe.)

What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome

This week’s wrap-up brought to you by my amazingly talented friend Adrian, who creates magical necklaces at Shalottlilly.  She made me one last year and it was so awesome that I ended up using it as a fascinator and Adrian never once said “That’s not how necklaces work.”  Because she is awesome and she understands that the very best kind of jewelry brings magic no matter where it’s worn.

138 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I love the candelabra!

    Like

  2. Those are the saddest candles I’ve ever seen. They know they’re not getting any tonight.

    Like

    Allyn recently posted Foodie Friday: Bolognese.

  3. You always make me laugh out loud (which is harder to do than it should be, I suppose) Thank you for that, and for all your craziness! The idea of a candelabra with ED is going to keep me smiling for days

    Like

    Sue recently posted Modeling Mom.

  4. Yeah, the candle-stick holder thing is nice.

    But, uh…FLASHBACKS FLASHBACKS.

    Like

    Carrie recently posted In a perfect world, I’d be hairless and always have gas..

  5. Victor is the coolest dude ever

    Like

    Gary recently posted Succulent Slow-Roasted Pork Belly with Crispy Crackling.

  6. Hahhaha…they need viagra…

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted I Made a Store! Grand Opening!.

  7. This could represent my exes. You are wonderfully neurotic, but I can imagine you being marginally scary if you found something you wanted to buy from me.

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted Ratel is back.

  8. Clearly the candelabra needs its own red dress.

    Like

  9. As soon as I saw the picture of the candles I thought, “Candles get erectile dysfunction?” Then I actually read your post. Great minds, right?

    …You have any extra anti-psychotic meds by chance?

    Like

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Talk, Listen, Connect : Deployments, Homecomings, Changes.

  10. You know, four little blue Viagra pills and that candlebra will give you at least 30 minutes of straight-up flaming pleasure… if they burn more than four hours, blow them out or call your candle doctor….

    Like

    alfred lives here recently posted Hanna (with no sisters)....

  11. I’ve never seen candles like that and I kind of can’t believe she’s displaying it that way. It looks totally obscene, and like something you’d see in a Viagra commercial. Good for you for trying to help the poor thing!

    Like

    Brenna recently posted What's grosser than gross?.

  12. Now ya see, when I mention things like erectile dysfunction or third degree vaginal tears during childbirth, my hubs and just walks away, shaking his head. I think it may be because he’s a fed and trained not to react.

    Like

    Cat @ Breakfast to Bed recently posted I’m Half A Person Inside..

  13. Well, the candles could get Viagra, but there are people in the world who’d deny the candelabra birth control. (Who the hell do they think candles are having sex with?)

    Like

    Teresa Hill recently posted Forget the Man Cave. Readers will want this Book Cove. Book Nook. Nook, whatever..

  14. Those are some droppy damn candles. She should be ashamed.

    Wait, it’s not Sunday yet. DON’T SCARE ME.

    Like

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Should we bring back the Sex Blogger Co-Op for a trial revival?.

  15. Actually if they were dildos and not candles, made of silicone and not wax, that shape might make a really nice curved g-spot tool.

    Shit. I’ve been working too hard tonight on crappy sex toys. Sorry.

    Like

    Dangerous Lilly recently posted Should we bring back the Sex Blogger Co-Op for a trial revival?.

  16. I’m starting to think that all the “candles” in Texas are affected by the heat now and then. At least, that’s true in my experience.

    P.S. I had my #travelingreddress photo shoot yestereday. Life-changing experience. Thank you!

    Like

    Cassandra Neace (@CassandraNeace) recently posted My #TravelingRedDress Moment.

  17. Erectile dysfunction affects 18% of all candles in the U.S.

    Like

    LDiggitty recently posted fear of flying.

  18. Ok, more like .18%.

    Like

  19. I’m sort of disturbed by the squirrel photos. It’s a boy squirrel she’s dressed like a girl. Of course, he doesn’t seem to complain (except for occasional biting), so maybe he’s a squirrel with a gender identity disorder?

    Like

  20. giggling my fucking ass off!#* i needed that; you saved my sanity – thank you. 🙂

    Like

  21. That poor, poor shopgirl.

    Like

    Mindy recently posted Friday Favorites - Nominate Us For the Disney Wedding Blog!.

  22. I can’t believe Victor didn’t buy that candelabra for you! WTF Victor? That candelabra needed an intervention and Jenny could’ve saved it! haha! I love your posts!

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Photogenic Boys.

  23. Wait a minute, so did this conversation happen today and you just decided to post early to make your story accurate? Or does this conversation actually happen tomorrow and you’ve secretly stumbled upon time travel to effectively pre-write blog posts? I’ve got to admit that if it’s the time travel thing, maybe that technology could be used for other things, like ensuring that you can get Nathan Fillion to pose with twine.

    Like

    Ward recently posted The Hunger Games.

  24. That … is a very sad candle holder.

    All it needed was someone to love it.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: A Sock! Almost! (Also another poop story. I’m sorry.).

  25. I’m sorry. You can always donate to candelabra foundations, though, right?

    Like

    Jenny recently posted You know how photographs help to keep memories alive?.

  26. Your candlabra needs some viagra-abra

    Did you really say ” this aggression will not stand??”

    I have always wanted to use that line in the world.

    Like

    Pish Posh recently posted The A-Z of Pish Posh.

  27. Cats are not the only flammable living things. So are people. I have a story that directly leads to that conclusion and also to the reason why I NEVER have candles on the nightstand.

    Also, sheets are flammable.

    Like

    Jamie recently posted Hoo-Ratio's Adventure Begins!!!.

  28. Maybe they were just bowing!
    Perhaps after a rousing musical number!

    THREE LITTLE MAAAAAAAAAAAIDS FROM SCHOOOOOOOOOOOOL!

    Like

  29. just read ‘one settled comfortably in the cuckoo’s nest’… holy shitzola! i am in awe and mindblown.

    Like

  30. Once you said the aggression would not stand, the rest of your post was in the Dude’s voice, in my head.

    “You mean, coitus?”

    Like

    Rev. Back It On Up 13 recently posted Perspectives: The Third Wheel.

  31. Jenny, thank you so much for posting this early. I seriously needed a good laugh and your blog always does the trick.

    Like

  32. Ohmygod!!!!! It’s bad enough there’s one limp candle but 4 of them?! What is this a candle retirement home?!

    Like

  33. It seems to me that since all the candles have drooped the same way that they are not actually depressed. But rather they are all looking for something. Most likely trying to see up the skirt of that naughty plate on the table. So they can stand back up. It’s a vicious cycle.

    Like

  34. I want Hailey’s bedspread. It looks perfect for a good game of Twister. And comfy for when you fall over.

    Like

  35. I read this after a gaming session was done when everybody else was still talking. I snickered until my fiance looked at my disapprovingly. Then I showed it to my friend sitting next to me, and we snickered together.

    Best. Ever.

    Like

    Jen recently posted McDonald's Crosses a Line.

  36. I just enjoy the fact that Victor had to intervene. The photo is pretty wonderful, too.

    Like

    Craftwhack recently posted An Alphabet Lesson for you Knuckleheads.

  37. Niw you’ve forever ruined the illusion I had that you wrote the Wrap Up on the day you posted it. I feel like those candles…

    Like

  38. I’m with Sara…I find it fascinating that the woman gave the squirrel the name Tommy and then dressed it up in little skirts. Tommy Tucker, 1940’s most indulged cross dressing rodent?

    Like

    Erin recently posted Accounting for time.

  39. Settling into the cookoo’s nest hit close to home. From thee “we watch Fight Club and Children of Men” right through to the end. I just kept checking things off the list of stuff I’ve done before and will probably do again.

    Like

  40. “Yes, but looks like it has erectile dysfunction.”

    I almost spit my drink all over my keyboard…

    Like

    Melodie recently posted My ups and downs with organized religion.

  41. If I owned a shop with wonky candles in it, I’d hope for someone like you to break my monotonous day. Clarify please though, did you save the candles or are they still there in the shop drooping? Reminds me of a guy I once dated. Smaller candle though …

    Like

    weezafish recently posted What Happened to My Sleep??.

  42. It’s JANUARY! Candles should not be heat-limp in JANUARY!

    Like

    Heather recently posted I am the Invincible Donkey.

  43. “Shhhhh. . .” (stroking candelabra reassuringly) “It’s OK, Baby. This happens to every lighting fixture once in a while. I don’t mind. . .we can just cuddle.”

    Like

    Jen recently posted Deeeeeeeeeep Thoughts.

  44. I’m worried about those candles now.😦 They’ve been left so alone because of a tragic problem they can’t even control. Will they ever get the help they need? Will they find love?

    Like

    Katy recently posted February 3rd: It's snowing! Again!.

  45. My family owned an Antique store for YEARS and YEARS and we NEVER EVER EVER had a customer as funny as you. No, we got the grumpy jerks, why couldn’t you have come into the shop instead???

    Like

  46. I should really know better than to read your blog while in a crowded airport. LAX to be exact, where people already judge. I am laughing to myself to the point of tears. You would think by the third time, I would have learned my lesson. 🙂

    Like

  47. That candleabra is out on a ledge right now. I just know it!

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted We Need to Talk about Kevin.

  48. I once had a cat stick her tail in a lit candle—burnt cat hair stinks!

    Like

    Morgan Drake Eckstein recently posted Spot the Pig.

  49. I want to go shopping with you, Jenny!

    My days and nights consist of solitary confinement and cutting myself with a ceramic vegetable peeler.

    I’m fucked. What can I say.

    DRUNK, DRUNK CANDELABRA, MOTHERFUCKER!

    I think I spelled that wrong, but oh well.

    _____________________________________

    Like

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Rock Band Is My Bitch.

  50. How DOES one go about curing a candelabra of erectile dysfunction?! Also…It’s like it has 4 flaccid candles – when most males out there will only have to deal with 1 at a time – which I’m sure would make ME pretty damn depressed.
    “Come on baby light my fire…”

    Like

    Claire J recently posted Freiburg Half-Marathon…shouldn’t I be in training?!.

  51. I had the same candelabra experience a couple of summers ago. Depressing sight.
    On the other hand, your writing makes my day so much better.
    Also – lives were certainly saved. Not all cats have the sense to stop sniffing the flames even when their whiskers are curling and turning black. Mine certainly kept trying to cuddle the candles, and they are indeed flammable.
    One of them developed a habit of eating the wicks off the snuffed-out candles. Carbon deficiency or something, I guess. We gave up on the “cozy candlelit home” thing and went for “cozy home with living cats” instead.

    Like

  52. If Bob Dole were a candelabra, he would be THIS candelabra.

    That is, if he had five melted candles.

    And that would be five pretty damn good reasons to be clinically depressed.

    And we have not at this point even factored in his wife Liddy.

    Who probably caused Bob’s E.D., when you get right down to it.

    I probably should not have said “get down to it” in this context.

    Sorry Bob.

    Stay on the candle-booster meds, buddy.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted The Good, the Bad and the Ugly News on Australia.

  53. Those are the saddest looking candles ever. I like your happy ending better than reality. I’m actually kinda surprised that more people don’t just give you stuff to get you out of their store/stop you from arguing with them.

    Like

    Rebecca recently posted Rainbow Birthday Party!.

  54. The candles might be intimidated by the chair rung or towel rod, or whatever that is in the background that looks so happy to see me.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Hobble Creek, Cowbird, Scary Fishing.

  55. That would be the perfect visual motivator for recovering sex addicts.

    You know how some women will carry around a photo of them at their ideal weight to stay motivated? Guys like David Duchovny, Tiger Woods and Jesse James could just walk around with a candelabra in their hand…

    Like

    bschooled recently posted Lonely Planet, indeed..

  56. Haha! Who leaves candles flopping about in candelabras like that?!

    Like

    Kez recently posted Is it that obvious?.

  57. I don’t know what that candelabra has to be so depressed about.

    If I had four penises and was hung like that I’d be ECSTATIC.

    Like

    moooooog35 recently posted Wrapping Up the Week - February 5, 2012.

  58. Thank you for sharing that Cuckoo’s Nest link. Beautiful. I have gotten through the worst of my depression and rarely go back there. But yesterday I did, however I have a road map back so I think it’s okay to remember…

    Like

  59. I hate it when my candles go limp.

    Like

    alaina recently posted Party Hard..

  60. It’s sad that the shopkeeper and Victor kept you from saving those poor limp candles. They obviously needed help. You could have even gotten some barbie dresses in red and dressed them up. It would have been AWESOME. And they would have been much happier.

    SHAME on Victor and that shopkeeper.

    Like

    carolyn recently posted Time to Pull Up My "Big Girl" Panties!.

  61. No wins? I fully expected to see you in the hall of fame!?!

    Limp candelabras are indeed a very sad thing. But you tried to help…you can’t save ’em all.

    Like

    Vesta Vayne recently posted It’s Cocktail Time – for both of me!.

  62. Sometimes bad things happen to good candles. Oh, that picture of the limp candles is etched in my memory now…

    Thanks for my laugh of the day!

    Like

    Tracie recently posted The Breakfast of Champions.

  63. Limp candle sticks would make me feel inadequate;-)

    Like

    Andrea/Confessions of a Daydream Believer recently posted Strawberry Kisses.

  64. I went over to ill-advised. Umm, I hate to break it to you, but either that lemur is sneaking heroin to your daughter, or your daughter is contributing to the delinquency of a minor lemur. (how old is that lemur, anyway?) Oh, and one of the tea cups was giving me dirty looks. No wonder you’re on so many meds. My tea cups are way less judge-y, if you need a place to detox. Except the one decorated with fruits and nuts–I think it’s been sending me subtle messages through its’ design.

    Like

    Fearless Fibro Warrior recently posted Shoving Crap in My Face.

  65. Start another movement…..like the traveling red dress. Candles need penile implants too!

    Like

    Claire recently posted My Dogs Will Need Therapy.

  66. RIGHT ON JENNY!!! You saved the candleholderthingie!

    Right on!

    Like

    Lori recently posted Hunted by @cherylrainfield.

  67. 67
    Michele Hurst

    Sad sad candles. They made me smile. I hope they don think I’m laughing AT them.

    Like

  68. I love your blog. But I am a little confused…Is Victor your significant other…or is his your alternate personality?

    Like

  69. Jenny…you are funnier than Ellen. I love you

    Like

  70. Wait, did you or did you not get the flaccid candlestick thingy?

    Like

    John B recently posted puberty, we meet again..

  71. If I ever come to Texas, we need to go shopping!!

    Like

  72. Gosh, you’re pretty. Also, the candelabra is pretty. But you’re prettier.

    Like

  73. this made me LOL. Jenny you are totally awesome.

    Like

    Becca_Masters recently posted Faith in Humanity.

  74. Oh god, LMFAO thank you for making my cold snowy Sunday afternoon less dreary, but you should know I have put a note for the wife with the insurance policy! Being asthmatic laughing causes an attack. and so if she finds me slumped over the computer and your blog is open she has the name of a good lawyer xoxoxox

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted The NHS are you Worried, You Should Be!.

  75. So you encounter a candelabra that is clinically depressed and you lower its self esteem by trying to negotiate a lower sale price?

    Like

  76. Re my last, maybe you should start of your blogs

    WARNING IF YOU ARE ASTHMATIC AND YOU FIND INSANE RANTINGS FUNNY YOU MAY ONLY READ THE REST OF THIS POST AT YOUR OWN PERIL AS I JENNY ‘THE BLOGGESS’ LAWSON CANNOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE IF YOU DIE…

    That is all ……

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted The NHS are you Worried, You Should Be!.

  77. Why is the squirrel always dressed in girl clothes when its name is Tommy? Was it a transgender squirrel or was Mrs. Bullis just working out some issues on that poor thing? Even her kids look slightly terrified.

    Like

  78. That fucking squirrel is alive and wearing fucking dresses. How the fuck do you train a squirrel to act like he’s praying in front of sick kids? I’m genuinely perturbed by that crap.

    Like

  79. Could you imagine if you lit them? It would look like a massacre. They would have made a great conversation piece. Unlit of course. Well… even lit, but then there would be a mess. Hey they really are like a guy. I need more coffee…

    Like

    Chantelle recently posted My sister tried to show me her pooter..

  80. Those candles look like they just finished their big number in Beast’s castle.

    Like

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Dog Rescue: A Cast of Five.

  81. i’m on anti-psychotics too! only i feel more psychotic.

    Like

    Simone recently posted Suicidal Tendenices (not the band).

  82. also, maybe the candles are on anti-psychotics. they do seem to mess things up in the sex department…

    Like

    Simone recently posted Suicidal Tendenices (not the band).

  83. So. I looked up candelabra on Dictionary.com since the shopkeeper insisted it wasn’t technically called a candle holder. Interestingly enough, candelabra is a plural for the word candelabrum, which is defined as a branched candle holder. Now any retailer (even those in Texas with underdeveloped understandings of customer service) should know that the #1 rule of customer service is that customer is always right. And in this case, since technically YOU were correct in defining the SINGLE-multi-armed candle holder candelabrum as a candle holder, I think this should make you automatically eligible for a 60% discount on said candle holder. Or not.

    Like

    francerants recently posted Mother Inspired Art.

  84. Maybe it’s just not that into you.

    Hello, The Bloggess.

    Like

    scott recently posted Boy.

  85. First off, I LOVE the new pic! You’re right, that poor candelabra either needs Cialis or some Prozac. Not really sure which, but it needs some help. Always have a credit card with you that has your name on it. If my husband says no (usually to another five books I *don’t* need) I, more often than not, listen to him. However, I get around that one by not bringing him shopping with me. I buy what I want and everyone is happy, mostly. 😀

    Like

  86. Am sitting in a coffee shop and just bust out laughing at the first site of this post and then reading only made me laugh more – thank you. I have decided that I just need to come hang out with you for a week because you never fail to encounter the most hilarious things – I think it is a gift. Thank you for sharing these laughs with us!
    Much love,
    B

    Like

    B. in the Know recently posted Just a Thought…on Love….

  87. I’m laughing, because I have a pair of candles that were on our dining table 11 years ago, when hubby and I went on our honeymoon…. It was in the 100s that week, and the a/c went out while we we gone… They look just like this. And we still have them.

    Like

  88. Yes, and that is why I never take Beerhound shopping with me. If he can’t nag me enough into not purchasing something I really want, he’ll tell the cashier it was thrown in there by mistake and ask him to remove it. In which case, I either start having a tantrum and looking stupid, which is not wholly unobjectionable to me or I let him get away with his devious little plan. Don’t worry though. I’m a strong, independent woman. I don’t take that shit laying down, or is it lying down? I hate those two words, it’s like the question, “which came first the chicken or the egg?”
    In any case, I usually give him the silent treatment and then take his feather pillow and put it in the shower. And then I order what I want online.

    Like

    Homschlr4ever recently posted Wrap up day 2/WTF College Transcripts???.

  89. HAHAHA!! Way to go! You fight for what you want!😉 You made good points about the Candelabra and I’m glad that you can give it some help!🙂

    Like

    Courtney Joyner recently posted Getting To Know Courtney.

  90. Jenny, are you sure you didn’t write the McSweeney’s article? It’s like she saw into your soul.
    Was that squirrel taxidermied? I thought it was, but others here implied that it was alive. How did they know it was named Tommy? Apparently, I missed something. Anyway, it’s a perfect photo shoot for you.
    Also, I had 4 individual candle sticks on my mantle with two different kind of candles in them. It was winter, so the heat was on in the house, but it wasn’t THAT hot. Anyway, two candles looked just like the ones in the shop and the other two were fine. Must have been the substance or how they were made. I think the droopy ones were handmade. That’s just another possible theory as to what caused the dysfunction; it doesn’t have to be ED. The end.

    Like

  91. Why am I now envisioning Lumiere from Beauty & the Beast doing Viagra ads? “Le vee-ah-gree ees non por l’homme avec problems du mental or high blood pressure.”

    Like

    Lorca Damon recently posted I’m Going to Eat My Young. And the Young of Six Other People..

  92. 92
    Lance Lankford

    I am laughing so hard I’m crying! If I was sober the same thing would be happening.
    I wish I had saved this for after work tomorrw when I’ll need a laugh even more (possibly) than a drink.
    Thanks Jenny, for the joy! Dying for the book!
    Victor (my real name)

    Like

  93. Thank you so very much for the instant messaging cat link. I was having a really crappy day, even after a xanax, and this just made me lose it, in a good way. Hubby looked at me and asked if I was going to be ok, I was howling with laughter and crying I was laughing so hard. I really really needed that.

    Like

    Jenny Mauck DeBonte recently posted #SOPASTRIKE.

  94. Hey! I hope you don’t mind me posting this link here, as this is sorta spammy. I really want to win this scholarship for $5,000, but to do that I need LOTS of people to vote on my essay. Despite having four parents to pay for college, it’s a struggle for us all. I’m lucky enough to barely avoid taking student loans, but when my brother starts college next year I’m afraid the financial strain will be too much for my family. Also, I really want to be able to travel abroad, as it’s always been my dream to see more than just the little world I’ve lived in my short life. To do this I have to raise the money myself.
    I know the community here is amazing and beautiful, and I have already been helped so much by this blog. I would love it if everyone could just take the time to vote once to help me out.

    Go here to vote:
    http://www.wyzant.com/scholarships/v2/essay41758-San_Luis_Obispo-CA.aspx

    Like

  95. We call them “Op Shops” here in Australia my dear Jenny hehe.

    Like

  96. Maybe I’m just anthropomorphizing, but that squirrel looks so depressed. He doesn’t even seem to know that he’s a squirrel. It makes me sad…

    Of course, like Dendrophilia… I am sad. A lot.

    Like

  97. Always make me laugh. Victor seems awesome.
    This person needs Scentsy https://krystalhicks.scentsy.us no saggy candles here.

    Like

  98. Hey do you know that the google app guys are developing apps for cats….? wonder what they’d do…

    Like

  99. A free candelabra…why don’t things like that happen to moi?

    Like

    "Susan Says..." recently posted Sneezing at the DMV.

  100. Those candles are brilliant.

    Like

    Kaitlyn recently posted Lightbox Shenanigans!.

  101. BTW, candles go limp like that when they’ve shot out all their light.

    It had to be said.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted The Good, the Bad and the Ugly News on Australia.

  102. My hubs walked up behind me and LOL’d at the candles. He made the same comment as Jenny.

    I think if you did get it, the candles would be worth keeping, at least for Halloween decor.

    Like

    Kaycee @ CaffeinatedMom recently posted Booper Soul Sunday!.

  103. Erectile disfunction candelabra – the only thing that has made me laugh today, thank you😉

    Like

  104. ” I plan on continuing my record of most nominations with no wins.”

    Well, I beat you on that one, too, with most not being nominated and no wins.😉

    And on top of everything else, those candles were circumcised.

    Like

  105. This candelabra needs to hang out with that candlestick from Beauty and the Beast. Cheer him up, you know?

    Wait, was it a candlestick or a candelabra in Beauty and the Beast? If it has more than one wick, does that automatically make it a candelabra? How the hell am I supposed to know this shit? WHY ARE YOU SO DIFFICULT WORLD???

    The end.

    Like

  106. I have the exact same candelabra from a vintage store, but I like yours much better, even with its dysfunction. I am now trying to figure out how to make mine look like that. It would definitely become more of a conversation piece!

    Like

    Natalie recently posted Warm Crab Dip.

  107. Jenny I decided that I want to be like you when I grow up, except I can’t find a red dress so instead I bought a plastic mustache and I hold it up to my face whenever I am unhappy. Scientific fact: you cannot be sad when holding up a mustache to your face. It is impossible.

    My mother is NOT pleased.

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  108. Jenny, I am … concerned. I don’t really think a kegstanding lemur is really the best influence on Hailey. I’m sure he’s a very nice lemur. But he’s not making very good choices for himself.

    And I hope you didn’t comment on the candelabra’s … possible health matters in front of him. This can be a very sensitive subject for candelabras. It’s important to discuss the subject in a calm, non-judgmental manner. I must say, it doesn’t sound like the candelabra is getting the *support* he needs at home. It gets hot in here??? Lady, how the hell how is it getting in there?! Is this shop located in the bowels of Hell?! Methinks she’s in denial.

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    Rachel recently posted "Threat" is such a dirty word....

  109. I don’t really think I wanted the candle holder, but I most certainly want the candles.

    Like

    Charity recently posted When karma kicks you in the face. And Kleenex. And Plaster-Sharts..

  110. Well as if the candles didn’t already have enough to worry about, being limpy and all. Now you’ve really gone and done it! Imagine how they feel about your blathering about ED all over the internet and even posting photos to boot. *tsk tsk*

    Like

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted Redneckism.

  111. I can give the candle-holder-thingy a good home. It’s a motorhome and I’m on the road all the time. It will get to see many new places. Coincidentally, I’ll be working and traveling in Texas for the next few months (coast and Hill Country). If you tell me where the candle-holder-thingy is up for sale I’ll come rescue it.

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    Kernut the Blond recently posted Giant Bunnies, Giant Monopoly Boards, and World’s Longest Garlic Braid. Welcome to Northern California..

  112. Your photo of the ED candelabra took me back 50+ years (yikes!), to a story my mother told me. When my parents first married, they rented two attic rooms from my grandparents, partly to save money, but I think mostly to provide them some income, as my grandfather was too good for most jobs, so didn’t bring in much. They finally gave up and found another place when they came home from work on a warm day and found their candles suffering the same condition as the ones you show…

    Like

  113. maybe a hand job would work LOL

    Like

  114. For some reason, those melted candles are like the grossest thing I’ve ever seen-maybe because they’re red?
    I accidentally yelled at a blind lady at Michaels today. At least Victor will still go inside with you. My hubs drives me and waits in the car at most places.

    Like

    AmyBlam recently posted Pinterest may make me a drunk. A drunk with fresh breath but a drunk nonetheless….

  115. And the soundtrack for said, sad events…WAH, WAH, WAHHHHH😦

    And I’m with AmyBlam above…My hubs drives and waits in the car…until that one time, at Walmart, where I almost got into a brawl with a lady a Walmart for totally pushing me in line and cutting in front of me. Well, this is New Jersey and we are down at the Jersey Shore. Luckily it wasn’t Snooki.

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    The Blog Snobs recently posted The Blog Snobs Radio Show, 7, PMS or End of Days-either could take you out..

  116. I’m probably wrong, but I think this is the first post I’ve seen where a dressed animal isn’t also a dead animal. Huh.

    Like

  117. 117
    Mary, Fairy Godmother

    I’m just waiting to see those candles in the tub in the middle of the woods with no plumbing in sight. But then again, the water would put them out right so, so much for getting lit and having a good time.

    Like

  118. Thanks for the laugh! AND the candle-holder will thrive in your care I am sure!🙂

    Like

    Missy recently posted I Hate Skype.

  119. Omg! Someone just mentioned they saw me mentioned here!!! I had my baby on Groundhog Day……and forgot about everything else!!! Thank you Jenny!

    Like

  120. nice big lebowski reference, i approve.

    Like

  121. You are Hysterical! I love your stories! I feel like my life is similar in the fact that only the most ridiculous things happen to me!

    Like

  122. Not even an old flame could reinvigorate those things.

    Like

    Rob R recently posted Unemployment Down, Republicans Chugging Pepto-Bismol Up.

  123. Is it wrong that I’m horny now?

    Like

    Sarcasm Goddess recently posted "Those who danced were thought to be quite insane...".

  124. She’s baaacckkkk!!!!! YES!!!!

    Like

  125. I just watched your youtube video of Hailey at the snake farm. Your daughter does have the best laugh ever, also? Victor is pretty hot.

    Like

    cassie recently posted even more inappropriateness.

  126. Oh those poor, poor candles…

    Kind of remind me of a guy I used to know…
    But wait, I married him…
    Now I remember why we got divorced!

    Thanks… I needed that… and the laugh…
    although I could have done without the peeing myself a little bit from laughing…
    Note to self… put on the Depends BEFORE reading ANY Bloggess posts!

    Like

    dawn aka BusyMom recently posted No Thank You Card Required... or how to turn your dad into an addict.

  127. Trust me.

    Going to gym will not help your, uhm, middle age candle…

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted ‘Free’ Get-Fit Classes Carry High Cost — Oomph.

  128. holy crap that is funny. Makes me want to shop at a resale store.

    Like

  129. I was laughing at this and my son wanted to know what I was laughing at and I said The Bloggess and he said what did she say and I said it’s hard to explain and he said tell me and I told him “She was writing about a candelabra with erectile dysfunction” and he said “That’s demented.”

    Like

    Kristin recently posted Why Computers Sometimes Crash!.

  130. Hey! I think I saw you coming home from a shopping trip!
    Here is a link to the picture (It’s okay. Safe link.):

    Like

  131. I’m certain that I’m too late, and several of the 131 wisecrackers ahead of me have beat this quite obvious joke to death, but I can hook you up with a 20 mg Cialis that you can break into 4 and get more bang for your buck. I’m not judging, because hey, we’ve all been there buddy. How do you think I know all of the ways to save money on erectile dysfunction medicines?

    Like

    Birdman recently posted God damn!!! I wish I was The Bloggess.

  132. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I am signing a pile of legal documents today and I’ve gone from writing “Attorney-in-Fact” to “Attorney-in-Fart” on each of them. Thank you for giving this Attorney-in-Fart something else to read.

    Like

  133. Maybe it isn’t just suffered from severe depression. Maybe it’s also impotent. In which case it needs Viagra as well. Poor dear.

    Like

    Maria recently posted War of 2012 (A.K.A. My Body Is Attacking Me).

  134. You have a very sharp mind! I never thought of erectile dysfunction seeing those candles! Haha! Well, you have to heat that candles to go back from it’s original form.. straight!

    Like

    YnnaRada recently posted Happy New Year To All Of You And Hope You Like The Aquarium Fish Photos Here ….

  135. Thank you so much for sharing the One settled comfortably in the cuckoo’s nest post. It made me cry my face off…in a good way. I’ve suffered from severe depression my whole life. It was beautiful seeing my own feelings written out so simply in front of me. Sometimes it’s so encouraging to know you’re not alone. I will remember it forever. Again, thank you for sharing that link!

    Like

  136. 137
    Millie Dunn

    I just seen you on Canada AM. I have a 28 year old daughter who also suffers fro A/D and is in COMPLETE denial .. Loved your comment about humor at the unset of a bout of anxiety , So true , It is very common and so few people want to think that something controls them so actually they become overly controlling around them , at least that is what seems to be happening here, Thanks again and good luck ,

    Like

  137. Love you all! Gay pride! LGBT FTW!

    Like

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