Her name is Juanita. Juanita Weasel. Unless you can think of something better.

in Random Crap

The other day a girl on twitter sent me a picture of a taxidermied weasel that reminded her of me.  Victor thought this was meant to be an insult but then I showed him the picture and he gave me a look like “HOLYSHITSNACKS, THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF YOU.”  Or possibly “HOLYSHITSNACKS, WHY ARE YOU BUYING OLD TAXIDERMIED RODENTS?”

Those looks are remarkably similar.

Anyway, I called the place and I said, (in a very high-brow, professional way) “Yes, I’m calling about a weasel?” and then I bought an old, dead weasel over the phone like I was ordering a pizza.  Then I couldn’t stop giggling and Victor refused to speak to me for the rest of the day.

This weasel had already paid for itself.

Victor likes to pretend my bizarre posse of taxidermied friends isn’t awesome but even he was having a hard time keeping the awe out of his voice when Juanita arrived.

Juanita

She’s the first female taxidermied animal I’ve owned, and she stunned me with her diversity. She could look surprised, terrified, overjoyed, irritated and ready to attack depending on the angle and how you were feeling.  She was like a tiny Rorschach inkblot test.  Victor said she looked like she wanted to eat our faces off but personally I thought she just looked so damned happy to see us.  I told Victor that I thought our feelings about this weasel said a lot about our personalities and he agreed although probably not for the same reason.  One thing was certain, this weasel had range.  

Victor:  Where in the hell are you even going to put it?  We’ve run out of room for your weird antique taxidermy.  This is something I never thought I’d have to say to my wife.

me:  Me either because it’s obvious where she fits.  Juanita will go in the art niche.  IT’S PERFECT.

Victor:  You don’t put a stuffed weasel in an art niche.

me:  Well not alone, obviously.  She’d be dwarfed in that large space.  You put a stuffed weasel and an antique alligator dressed as a pirate in an art niche.  It’s a diorama.  IT PRACTICALLY SCREAMS “ART NICHE”.

Then Victor walked off because apparently he doesn’t understand how art works.

They're like Barbies, only grosser and with more realistic figures.

My assumption is that Victor didn’t appreciate my weasel/alligator diorama because he assumed that the weasel was a boy and didn’t understand that the alligator is a transvestite.  I understood his confusion and so I attempted to make things more obvious for him, but when he asked if I would help him button his sleeves I said, “I can’t right now.  I’m trying to put a dress on this weasel” and then he just walked right out of the house.  Which is unhelpful and also sloppy because no one outside can button those sleeves for you either, Victor.  Plus, he missed out at the first look at Juanita in her snappy new frock:

Anyway, the point is that I now have a new friend and that she’s very glad to meet you.  She’s also starting her own line of greeting cards (see  below) since Victor seems to think that antique taxidermy is an economic drain to us, rather than a boost to the American economy.  I pointed out that I’d already sold $20 worth of Juanita Weasel cards and then he pointed out that I was the one who bought them but I think he’s missing the point and is being every unpatriotic.  Also, I can’t defend myself properly because Economics wasn’t on my degree plan.  I blame my college for making me take mandatory bowling but not offering classes on weasel economics.  Thanks a lot, State College.

PS.  Victor just came back in and I showed him Juanita and explained that she’s so me that I can’t even stand it.  Victor says he can’t stand it either but I don’t think we’re talking about the same thing.

PPS.  I can’t even stop with these:

Sometimes a joyous game of freeze-tag and a scream of terror can look very similar.

 

Happy Holidays. Fuck with me and I will cut you.
We're laughing with you. Not at you. Unless you aren't laughing.

 

LITERALLY.

Want to support the American (and Lawson) economy and encourage stimulus and more taxidermic purchases?  Then check out these fine Juanita products: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7

UPDATED:  As requested, a Juanita Weasel souffle apron.

663 thoughts on “Her name is Juanita. Juanita Weasel. Unless you can think of something better.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Victor is probably just jealous and feeling left out that he doesn’t have a dead animal that is him.

  6. I think of your house as like Sam’s from The Lost Boys where he keeps hiding the taxidermied animals in the closet. Wake up and BAM! There’s Juanita.
    Mmmm, double-stuffed Oreos.

  9. One day, you need to take us on a full photo tour of all the “weird”-ness in your house. Until then, the book can’t be released soon enough!

  10. I think Juanita and I were separated at birth because that’s EXACTLY how I look in an apron. All she needs now is a mini strand of pearls.

  11. she needs to live on the back of the toilet so Victor will never poop again.. or at least never one of those nice relaxed sliders

  14. Looks to me like Juanita is dancing. She’s puttin’ her hands up in the air, wavin’ ’em ’round like she just don’t care.

  21. hilarious!

    also “holyshitsnacks”? i see you are a fan of Archer as well.

    color me not surprised!

  22. It’s not just the frock. It’s the apron. I mean, a weasel in a dress? Sure. But missing something. Add an apron, and you’ve got an unapologetically unironic look at the irony of the 50s. Or the ironing of the 50s. Did you iron that apron?

  23. You totally needed that weasel, 100% back you on that decision. Also: “I can’t right now. I’m trying to put a dress on this weasel” is my new way to get out of doing things. JSYK.

  24. Where did you find the frock? It’s perfect! ” 🙂
    Oh, and by the way, I already went to the gym today and did my ab workout, so all of this laughing is just picklejuice. dammit!

  28. Silly Victor. Weasels aren’t rodents, they are part of an entirely different family. They will cheerfully eat rodents, so Juanita will be a deterent to mice and rats that have gotten over their cat fear.

  31. OMFG I totally want to lick the side of your face in unabashed pure innocent joy at the fact that you exist and I can read your blog! Heart. HARD.

  32. I love how you have the perfect outfit for a taxidermied weasel. And Juanita Weasel is the perfect name.

  33. I’m picturing Juanita in a nativity scene sans infant in the manger with the tagline:
    “MERRY CHRISTMAS! SORRY I ATE THE BABY JESUS”

  34. I had to go to the bathroom when I started this post, and I may or may not have dribbled down my pants when the souffle pic scrolled by!

  36. I really really hate to ask, but how exactly do you *know* that it’s a girl? Or that it *was* a girl? That is just too funny.

  40. And I thought I drove my husband nuts with my pens and my cards and my aprons. Maybe I should take up collecting weird creepy animals. Then again, I like sleeping.

  43. Victor just does not understand art or humor. What’s up with that? You think he’d get it by now.

    My personal favorite is the last picture. I wasn’t even that jealous until I got to that one. Now, I am a little jealous. Not as much as over Beyonce, but still..

  44. Enough is enough! I’ve had it with these motherfuckin’ gators in this motherfuckin’ art niche.
    (And, may I just add that the gator just screams to be named Tallulah Gatorhead.)

  47. I am totally going to get those new baby cards! Several of my most twisted friends are currently preggers. They’ll love them!

  48. OMG, I see what you mean… art niche with the alligator definitely… she needs a sombrero though… I don’t know why but she does… might be the painkillers talking today

  49. I imagine a tiny waterfall in the last picture where Juanita has been in the jungle for two weeks and this is how she is drinking the water falling from a tiny leaf. Only her dress would be in tatters.

  50. ROFL. That last one is hilarious! Souffle! XD

    You are acquiring quite a collection of these, aren’t you? You could practically start a natural history museum at this point!

  57. OMG Juanita totes looks like Julie Andrews in Sound Of Music! ..”Tha hiills are aliiive with tha sound of Juanitaaaa..”

  58. I totally picture Juanita in her little apron with the caption, “Oh the HUMANITY”. or “FUCK BEIBER FEVER GET WESALMANIA”

    You are awesome, I so wish I had a collection like you.

  60. I see the weasel (especially the soufflé picture) and think, “And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII… Will always love YYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUU!”

    Too soon?

    Sorry.

  61. …and in the spirit of the honey badger, I say: “Juanita weasel don’t give a shit! She’s busy finding a baby to eat!”

  62. The weasel looks like it’s yelling “STEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAA” in that Marlon Brando STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE kind of way!

  63. You’re making me want to start my own collection of antique taxidermy, except that I have no money, and no room for such things even if I could afford them. I will just have to stalk your website (like I wasn’t doing that already) for pictures of truly awesome taxidermied animals.

  65. The rodents (and metal chickens very likely) are going to take over your house. This is why I only collect sarcastic phrases–they take up less shelf space. On the downside I can’t make awesome greeting cards out of cynicism. Or can I??

  66. This is beyond amazing. I really need someone to buy me creepy taxidermy. Love the ones of her in a dress!

  67. My latest issue of Country Living magazine lists taxidermy as one of the up-and-coming categories of collectibles. I shit you not. You are a trendsetter.

  68. Please tell me you are going to make Juanita cards w/ “the motherfucking souffle is ruined!” on them. I need that & think they would be delightful as House Warming cards. Please?

  71. Juanita is pretty good, but I think I like Wanda better. But she wasn’t delivered to my house, so Juanita it is.
    Plus, I think she needs to be sportin’ some spandex. Nothin’ says “Weasel” like spandex. If you’re trying to say “Little Orphan Annie” with claws then the frock is just right.

  74. Due your accurate logic and Juanita’s “come-hither-ness” staring at me from this post, I must now go find the most appropriate art to put in my home’s weasel niche. Dammit!

  75. I hate when the souffle gets ruined too. Love me some Juanita. You can never have too many antique taxidermied animals.

  76. I totally lost my shit over the frock. It is PERFECT! Victor may see it as a decent in to total (hilarious) madness but OMG HI GURL your people need you. America needs you. The entire American economy may hinge on a weasel fretting over a souffle.

    I guffawed. LIke a barking seal.
    Is it illegal to own a taxidermied seal? Probably not in Texas.

  79. As a Second thought. The Souffle is Ruined photo needs to be on the front of an apron. I would totally beg my husband for that.

  81. Are these going to be actual cards? If so, I will totally buy
    them! HILARIOUS. Especially the souffle one. Please sell them!

  83. LMAO. How did you even find a dress to fit to the weasel? I LOVED the pictures with the captions. It truly does convey a wide range of emotions. By the way, I think she blends in with your dolls but the set up is with the alligator.

  88. HOLYSHITSNACKS – I laughed all the way through this! And was darn near crying by the time I got to the “This Souffle is Ruined!” photo. My son asked when I had the time to pose!

  89. i’m crying and awesome husband doesn’t get why. he will when i show him this.

    ALSO. i’m thrilled that jean-louis has a friend to trade frocks and hats and makeup tips with.

  90. Lovely addition to your collection. I think Juanita should be dressed in something a little more “dangerous” looking. Maybe a teensy-weensy travelingreddress….? Seems to fit her daring personality. 🙂

  91. Damn! Now I’m feeling needy of more Juanita pics, PLEASE! I can’t have enough of her, I want a Juanita formyself but it could never be as great as this one, I hope you want to share more pictures of her with the world.

  93. Jenny,
    You KNOW I adore you. Truly. But, I’m kinda getting worried about your daughter’s, how shall we put this……ummm……ability to understand all this crazy ass shit? Just having an anxiety attack on behalf of all nervous bloggers out there and it’s almost time for your book to come out and I can’t wait. Love, Laurie F.

  96. I’m actually impressed you already had weasel-sized dresses at home. It seems like it was just meant to be.

  97. Juanita would look awesome as a decorative pin in the lapel of Wolf Blitzer.

    Assuming he has a lapel.

    And neither creature comes back to life to eat the other one.

    I wonder where PETA would stand on that?

    It would be great if I could borrow Juanita for a few days to get rid of this stupid wild Terror Duck that will not leave us alone here in New Zealand.

    Doubling the meds for the Crack Puppy is not a sustainable option.

    All my guns are still in Oklahoma, and I am NOT taking on this MF Terror Duck without a 12 gauge or Juanita or Wolf.

    Or possibly Beyonce if she is dressed like a raptor.

  99. This makes me want my own taxidermied collection. My fiance already rolls his eyes at my stuffed animals, think about how much more I could annoy him with REAL dead animals!

  103. Dear Bloggess,

    Have I actually ever told you how unbelievably happy you make me with just a single, magical, HOLYSHITSNACKS post of epic awesome? If you weren’t married and I wasn’t with my beautiful, charming, loving girlfriend (who happens to be sitting right next to me at the moment) I would totally brave the Texas heat and hellish dry to seek your presence out. BTW, that weasel is TOTALLY you. Like WHOA.

    THE END! (SHITSNACKS!!!! Brought to you by Kellogs)

  105. Good gracious. That is the snappiest frock I’ve ever *seen* on a weasel. Have you ever considered opening up a weasel-dressing business?

  110. Omg you’re killing me. I’m supposed to be working and instead I’m laughing so hard I’m crying and all the while trying not to make a sound so as not to disturb those in the office around me. I LOVE Juanita Weasel. She’s the perfect addition to your fucked up taxidermied family. <3 You're the best. Truly.

  111. I think that Juanita in her dress and that pirate alligator look like two bff’s lost in their own little world. You know, the kind who stroll arm in arm down the street cackling and laughing about stuff only they understand while everyone looks on in disgust that they are so loud and obnoxious but then silently wish they could be that carefree and in love with life? Yeah, like that. It’s almost fucking magical.

  112. OMG! My sides hurt from laughing so hard.

    I’m sitting here hysterical over this post & my husband asked what was so funny. I let him read it. Nothing. He looked at me and said “I don’t get it.” Whaat?

    Men are weird.
    And I want a taxidermied weasel.

  115. The only thing about this post that makes me sad is that I don’t know what taxidermied animal would remind anyone of me. Do you know someone who can help me figure this out?

  116. Jazz hands….I see jazz hands!
    Loves me some dead weasel. Especially dead weasels that lack cooking skills.

  117. You could start charging admissions to the house with all proceeds going to the Travelling Red Dress and other good causes.

    Thank you for sending me to bed happier………..

  119. The black tail and proportionately shorter neck lead me to believe that your weasel is a Stoat or Ermine, though I’m certainly no expert.

    Hello, The Bloggess.

  121. While I agree that the dress fits Juanita quite well, it makes me feel like she’s about to burst out singing “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music”…which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Unless you hate singing. Or music. Or hills.

  124. LMAO! Holy Crap! Just when I think you are all that and a bag of chips, you write yet another BRILLIANT blog post. I cannot wait to read your book! I love you so much now, I could possibly burst. You put the furious in furiously happy! ;-D

  125. Oh. My. God. I am doing the uglycry from laughing so hard AT WORK.
    And now I’m late for my wing date and it’s all your fault Jenny!
    And the motherfucking souffle is RUINED!

    Oh God. (wipes eyes)
    Thank you.

  127. not sure if it’s been said but I like the name Ginny Weasley for obvious reasons. lol Plus she ends up with Harry Potter! You could get a Harry Potter doll for her.

  128. I was thinking Mercedes when I first saw her photo. I somehow imagine her voice being that of the woman that spoke as the the demon voice in the original Exorcist, the lovely Mercedes McCambridge. Or possibly, Judy because I can equally imagine her having Judy Tenuta’s voice, so there’s that. And then there’s Juanita, which also fits perfectly.

    Decisions, decisions . . .

    As ever, many thanks.

  130. My husband just shakes his head and tells me that sometimes he is very glad we are broke as it means I can’t buy “absurd things” like you do. I told him that there is nothing absurd about Juanita. She is all business. Secretly, I think he can’t wait for the day when we do have the money.

  131. Awesomely wonderful weasel AND we finally get to see Jean Louis the Alligator Pirate in all his regalia! My day is complete, thank you.

  132. wow… just wow!! I love it!! I also love that you already had a dress smock in her size! I think she goes rather well with the rest of the doll collection! And range does not even begin to describe the amazingness that Juanita oozes all over the place!

  133. I just had half my office asking me what I was laughing out loud at…I pretended it was a funny email from a friend that they wouldn’t understand and then emailed this link to just the cool co-workers who think reading stuff like this is a productive use of their workday…cause it is! Thanks for making me laugh!!

  136. I need a poster with the souffle dress, but it should say, “How is this my life?!” And you can give one to Victor as well.

  137. I imagine Juanita as a girl with a mouthful of a full name – Juanita Luz Esperanza Castiliano. It’s elegant but let’s you know that she means business.

    I saw Juanita’s pic when it was originally sent to you and commented that she needs to be on a book jacket. Now I know that she needs to be on a book jacket while wearing her lovely frock (and accessorized with the afore mentioned lovely strand of pearls). This of course means that you need to write another book. I’m really sorry about pressuring you like that but one cannot disappoint a weasel like Juanita.

  139. I saw this post, and had to run to the store…Apparently I am supposed to cook dinner for my son EVERY day. There is a Home Goods next door, and I always run in to see if I can find Beyonce. To my disappointment and probably to the disgust of the employees I always am asking for a 4ft metal art deco chicken, the again said no. I shocked the heck out of them today, when I followed there no with a new question…”Well do you at least have a taxidermy weasel?”

    One walked away muttering to herself, the other just stared at me. For some reason I have a feeling that they don’t want me to come back….

    Weird

  142. Oh god. JUANITA IS TERRIFYING!!!!

    Now I am going to have to weigh my love of visiting your blog with my total horror of rodents.

    It was bad enough with the dead mouse.

    But the angry Mexican squirrel in multiple reposes of leisure… it just may be too much for me.

  143. I think it’s possible that you’re the funniest person alive. OMG. I love you. And Juanita. You kind of make me want to start collecting crazy-ass taxidermied animals so I can freak people out with them, except they freak me out, too. OMG. I can’t stop laughing. 🙂

  144. Juanita Weasel is the perfect name. Especially if you say it with a poor imitation of a Mexican accent (I can’t do a good imitation, so it’s all I’ve got to go on).

  146. Thank you, I have never laughed so hard in my entire life. Oi, the souffle’! I think that you should send these to hospitals so that the patients may have laugh therapy. Laughter being the best medicine and whatnot. Tell Victor that your not just an entrepreneur, you’re a Fucking Humanitarian. You could have your own clinic, or take the “kids” to visit patients – like therapy pets. Who wouldn’t love a Therapy Weasal, ya’ll?

  152. There is no way I can ever express how much I love you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for the pics and your wonderful narrative!

  154. I am reading this like “WTF is going on?”and suddenly I get to the picture of Juanita with the pretty yellow dress and now I just can´t stop crying with laughter.

  155. I laughed so hard at the last picture, I was snorting. My oldest (middle school) daughter stage-whispered to her little sister, in a smart-ass voice, “Umm…Mom’s at it again. Just go with it.”

    I need a weasel in an apron just so I can screw up dinner… Oh I wonder if I can blame the weasel?

    The possibilities are endless…

  156. I love this post! Rodents in pretty frocks…transvestite crocodiles. It’s like a scene from Peter Pan gone horribly wrong.

  161. I can barely see to type laughing so hard I’m crying, I need me a Juanita motherfucking souffle’ is ruined poster

  163. On seeing the first photo, I immediately thought “She needs a cape.” Not “OMG, not another creepy stuffed animal,” but “that’s an epic weasel right there that needs a cape to showcase her awesome.”

    Now I’m thinking a sword around the waist. Maybe some boots. However, it’s hard to compete with the frock.

  164. omfg .. I can’t get enough of that little Juanita !
    she’s BAD ASS .. just like you.
    you’re a breath of fresh air in a world full of ‘my life is so perfect I could make you vomit’ blogs – thanks 🙂

  166. I am home alone dying with laughter. My dog is looking at me like I am insane. That was great. Thanks for the laugh!

  168. “Juanita will go in the art niche.”

    I bet those words together have never been uttered before.

    And if I haven’t been reading you for so long, I’d bet they’d never be uttered again.

    But really…who am I kidding?

  170. I am currently working on my first piece of taxidermy. His name is Stryker and soon he will be the best fighter pilot squirrel ever. I can only hope he ends up as awesome as this weasel.

  171. I’m *fairly* certain that, dressed in her frock, Juanita needs to be in a Beatrix Potter story.

  172. Juanita is frightening. The two together in the niche almost made me vomit my orange. But I couldn’t stop looking. The end (the now-classic souffle pic) was worth it, but I really had to work to get there.

  173. Oh my hell….I never thought I’d be saying this but….now *I* want a taxidermied weasel in a frock. Mainly, because she looks like me whenever I walk into the laundry room and see the mounds of clothes waiting to be washed, dried, pressed – repeat.

  176. My favorite part of all of this is how, to your loyal readers, the purchase and staging of Juanita is perfectly natural… expected even. Clearly this purchase could not be avoided.
    ….Yet to others, it might appear as if you are starting your own kind of show for TLC “Disintegrating Taxidermy Hoarders”.
    You make me proud.

  178. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I actually wish I could buy that last one as an e-card. (I’d want a poster [sans profanity] for my grandmother. Oh yes…)

  180. I don’t know why I didn’t do this sooner – but after reading this out to my gay wheelchair bound roomie as we both died laughing – I totally pre-ordered you book 😛 you’re kind of my hero!

  181. Ok, I saw her and immediately thought “Eleanor Roosevelt!”, but that’s not her name and I totally get it (…I guess, I mean, it’s not like she’s my taxidermied weasel or anything…)

  182. –>I have to admit that your collection is a little disturbing to me but the Souffle being Ruined made me LAUGH.

    I think Juanita is screaming for a Red Dress on Wil Wheaton.

  183. I too harbor bitter resentment for State College’s glaring lack of weasel economics curricula. Bastards.

    She looks like a Consuela to me.

  185. In the meantime, do you have a motherfuckin’ souffle as a print for my laundry room (which every visitor must pass through to go to the bathroom).

  186. you make me laugh!!!! All I could think of with her in that apron was “…the Hills are alive, with the sound so music ahhhh ahhh ah ahhh……..”
    I will never be the same again.

  190. I work in an Independent bookstore, and today we got the galley of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” in our March A B A “white box” and I held it up and danced around the store, yelling, “THIS WILL BE THE BEST BOOK IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE”.

  192. It is so very clear that the alligator’s life was incomplete until you brought Juanita into his life. I hope Victor can understand that.

  193. Would it be wrong to buy that baby card for someone who isn’t even pregnant yet? I mean, I’ll put it away till it’s appropriate, I swear.

  194. Okay, I have found my new catchphrase for any bad/irritating/stressful situation: “This motherfucking souffle is RUINED!” And I will throw my arms up in the air and picture myself as Juanita Weasel when I do. And I will be awesome. Because of Juanita. And Jenny. 🙂

  195. My theory is Victor simply hasn’t spent enough time with Juanita. Perhaps if you positioned her next to his side of the bed, so she can greet him properly when he wakes up. I’m just sayin’. Maybe that would help.

  196. So I showed this to my kids. Not to sound too John Hinkley psycho but we are now positive that you are my long lost sister! You dress up in period attire, buy antique taxidermy, dress those items in awesome dresses, and your husband doesn’t fully comprehend the awesomeness of the whole thing!

    I now know where to buy all future greeting cards!!!!

  201. TFA (totally fucking awesome)! I love the name and the pics and the transvestite alligator all in an art niche. I will totally by some more bookplates or some other item of minimal cost so that you can keep this habit up.

    P.S. So totally makes up for last week btw so apology accepted. You can definitely leave anytime you like if the return posts are anything like this one. 🙂

  202. Please Please Please say that you’ll put together a formal nativity crèche for Christmas with all the taxidermied animals. PLEASE!!!!

  205. I offered up the frozen raccoon I found in my shed yesterday to any local taxidermists, but nobody claimed it. So I waited for it to thaw a bit, pried it up with a shovel and deposited it head first in a tin bucket for hubby to take into the forest.

    He took it across the street fifteen minutes ago. That raccoon could have been a star!

  207. Good lord… Victor acts so nuts sometimes. I mean, really, who DOESN’T have an antique taxidermied weasel? Love the cute dress.

  210. Ok, so I was having a shitty day, and then I saw that picture of them laughing together and I just couldn’t stop laughing!

    Thank you!

  211. “Ohhhh shit!” was the first words that came out of my mouth when I saw Juanita Weasel.

    I need the holiday ornament card so I can send them to people who make me mad.

  214. Nevermind the weasel, Wil Wheaton just said that he hearted you! Get with the program! 😉

  217. Taxidermy is the art of embalming animals and they are taxidermied, but taxidermy used as a noun doesn’t sound right. I think the noun form of taxidermy should be “taxiderm.” So Victor would say, “we have no more room for your taxiderms.” You’re welcome.

    BTW, the dress is spectacular on Juanita.

  218. This post was so damn funny, I did a spit take. It was awesome! Unless you are my keyboard and monitor. I Would totally invest in some of those postcards! I havent laughed that hard since the post about the marmarketing people.

  219. I laughed so hard at the maniacal weasel and alligator laughter picture I woke the cats up.
    Juanita in the yellow apron reminds me of the time I dressed my kittens up in doll clothes; similar facial expressions, though overall I imagine dressing Juanita involved a little less noise (though she does looks like she has quite the set of lungs) and less blood too. =) Thanks for the well-timed homework distraction.

  221. God I love her…your collection is beyond amazing…ahe reminds me that my husband wanted to name or first child Juanita…or Crowbar. Luckily he wasn’t in the room when it came time to fill out the birth certificate.

  222. Thank you. I got laid off today and have been feeling utterly crappy but this: “Victor didn’t appreciate my weasel/alligator diorama because he assumed that the weasel was a boy and didn’t understand that the alligator is a transvestite.” made me snort tea out my nose. Feels good to laugh. 🙂

  223. After all these years of NEVER being able to find my name on anything cool….this is definitely worth the wait.

  224. I love how Ferris Mewler must always investigate any new stuffed arrival into your house. He’s like the taxidermy quality inspector committee….

  225. You sooooooo ROCK!!!!!! Thank you once again for making me laugh!!! Doctors should start prescribing you for pain and depression. Always helps me!

    Keep it comin…
    Tamiko

  226. The only loser here is the doll who was presumably wearing this dress before it got given to Juanita. It must be hard, getting kicked out of the art niche and sitting there ass-naked, just watching Juanita get famous. But, you know, tough shitsnacks for her.

  227. I just laughed so hard at this that I had to put the phone on the other side of the room to compose myself away from the images.

    Also, I think the laughter has dislocated my jaw. I’m in a lot of pain right now and I’m pretty sure my mouth shouldn’t gape open permanently like this but I’m going to say it was worth it.

    Thank you so much for being so weird.

  228. Bahahaha. Weasels usually creep me out, but this made me laugh until I cried. Seriously, how do you come across these things?!

  230. Okay I am convinced that you and I were officially separated at birth. I have told my friends for decades (yes,decades) that when i get older I am going to be the crazy cat lady but instead of live cat they will be taxidermied cats and will be dressed in mid century outfits and given names like “Sir Cottonpants”. We will have tea parties. So you can imagine how much I love this post. Your friends and my friends will get together and party like it is 1899.

  232. That soufflé picture is my FAVORITE.

    You make me want to start my own collection of antique taxidermy.

    Also? I didn’t know that was a thing. What is the opposite of “antique taxidermy?” Fresh taxidermy? How fresh are we talking, here? At some point, can’t we just all agree that dead animals are probably antiques in their own right?

    “Look at that armadillo on the side of the road, Jan. It’s an antique!”

  233. You had me at sassy frock. And that last picture is the bombdiggity. I want it enlarged and framed but nursing students are poor so I shall admire it from afar.

  234. Yeah, I can’t help myself laughing, she’s so anti-weasel in the souffle card. Clearly that is “oh snap! (goes the weasel)”

    And I’m sorry “I’m putting a dress on the weasel” sounds like something teenage boys will monopolize a bathroom to do.

    WG

  235. You should probably add a card of Juanita fearing the impending apocalypse this December…

  237. Ok, so I’ll admit Juanita really wasn’t working for me……..then came the dress. Then it all fell gloriously into place. Now, I’d like to consider her my new best friend. Perhaps you could put in a good word for me?

  242. oh my goodness I am in love with juanita! She is amazing! And so versatile, I bet even Bettie Davis couldn’t manage that many interpretations of a look. I never thought I’d see a transvestite gator and a weasel having a bitch fest but my eyes have been opened. In the best possible way. Juanita is awesome that is all!

    Dp
    X

  245. You so need to make “thank you” cards with Juanita. You know, for the special people.

  247. You are a strange and wonderful person.

    The weasel, however, is creeping me out. Except when he/she is in the frilled pinafore. At which point she kicks ass.

    Girl power!

  248. My husband just asked me what I was laughing at…I don’t even know where to begin. Maybe you can make a card that explains it?

  249. I need that last shot of Juanita in the apron in my kitchen. Is there any way you can add some sort of swanky curly border and make it into frameable print? I would like to buy a gazillion.

  251. I was just thinking, “That weasel needs a lovely little dress,” and then, BOOM. It’s like you’re reading my mind, which is both completely disturbing and all kinds of awesome.

  252. I looked at her and thought: Elizabeth Ferret Browning

    I know, she’s a weasel bet do the math.

    All weasels are not ferrets BUT all ferrets are weasels.

    just a thought.

  253. The “This Motherfucking Souffle is Ruined” shot just turned my weeping-myself-into-a-puddle day into a doubled-over-laughing day. Thank you for that.

  255. We’ll all look back on this post in a couple of days and remember that all of us got to witness the day the stuffed weasel internet meme was born.

    Frack yeah.

  256. I thought it might be so, but this post has confirmed it–you’re my favorite person.

  258. Tears running down my cheeks looking at the souffle’ pose. Thanks for bringing joy to this evening.

  259. She has sort of a “Sound of Music” vibe in the dress. Imagine her in a nun’s habit.

  261. Wil Wheaton led me to this blog post. I’ve read several of your others and laughed hysterically. This one. Brought tears. Thank you for giving me something to laugh at at the end of a rotten day. (There are no words for the weasel in the apron yelling about her ruined souffle!)

  262. Thank you, Jenny.

    It’s my husband’s birthday and I needed to give him the perfect gift. So I just did a dramatic reading of this post, accompanied by the photos…and proved, once again, that hysterical laughter is the best present you can give someone. Ever.

  263. When Juanita gives up the souffle biz, I totally see her on Broadway. As Evita. “Don’t cry for me Argentina!”. I smell TONY!

    Jenny, you rule.

  264. The souffle one had me rolling on the bed burying my head to stifle my laughter. My husband always knows when I’m reading your blog by my inability to convey what’s so damn funny (I think it’s his issue, not mine).

  265. This is the funniest post I have read! I cannot stop laughing!! Literally crying with laughter, hysterically, so hard my stomach hurts! And when I feel a little sympathy for Victor….I laugh even harder!! I am sooooo buying some Juanita stuff!!!!

  266. I would totally have named my taxidermied weasel Lola. If only because my fiance won’t let me name any pet that comes into our home Lola (though I have the best red Doberman name ever picked out for if he ever wavers on that for one second. Well. And if he ever gets me a second Doberman.)

    Also, I think we need one captioned “DO I LOOK PRETTY?!”

  268. I know a certain husband who NEEDS to wake up to Juanita’s arms wrapped around his boy parts. This also must be videoed. Not his junk, just his face when he sees it. Unless he likes it. I don’t wanna know if he likes it. Freaky bastard.

  269. I now know what scares me more than dolls…dolls that used to be alive. Thank you for helping me overcome my one fear and then helping me develop a whole new one, just to shake things up a bit.

  270. That weasel needs a little red dress!

    I had this conversation with my husband over our early Valentine’s Day d
    inner:
    Me: The Bloggess got a new taxidermied weasel.
    Wookie: Wait. The weasel IS a taxidermist or the weasel was the subject of taxidermy?

    So, do we know what Juanita did for a living before seeking fame as a greeting card model?

  271. Juanita is Teh Awesome! This is from someone who grew up surrounded by 9,000 mink (Dad was a mink rancher), which are slightly larger and have nicer fur but no dresses and are very rarely taxidermied.

  272. She totally needs a mini shiv that she fashioned out of a toothbrush… From her time in the big house for some trumped up charges from The Man..

  274. I normally feel that all taxidermi should follow a simple, single-name schema — but in this case, sensing the need for at least four or five names — Juanita Bofrey LaMaz the Elder or some such.

  275. Juanita lamenting her ruined souffle reminds me a lot of myself in the kitchen…except I don’t cook (bake? parboil?) or whatever it is you do to souffles. But I’ve lamented lots of other failed dinner attempts. Genius!

  276. I totally don’t know if this has been posted, because I’m too lazy to read all 260 comments, but I live in Florida and am, in fact, a Florida Studies graduate student (it’s SO a thing). I can get you a real stuffed gator if you want one, no disrespect to your Beany Babies gator. We’ve got one gator for every 14 people in this state, so I’m totally not blowing smoke up your ass. What size would you like and also please don’t tell Victor it was me who got you one.

  278. When I got home, I finished decorating the cake for my seven-year-old daughter’s Valentine’s “snack time” (the word “party” is not allowed) tomorrow. Then I checked my facebook and uploaded pics of said cake. Next, I clicked and scrolled my way through my daily checkins on the websites to which I am addicted simply because of their mind-numbing awesomeness. Then I got up and found a marker so my daughter could address her Valentines.

    Next, I got headphones and started watching Vampire Diaries on my laptop instead of the big screen so she and my ten-year-old son wouldn’t have nightmares, but after only five minutes of the episode, daughter finished her shower and I had to go tuck her and the boy into bed. (On a completely unrelated note, my son made me tuck his covers in at the top of his bed so that he can sleep in a cocoon of sorts. His toes stick out the bottom, but this seems perfectly sane to me and I wish I had thought of it as a child since I could never feel secure enough from the monsters in the hallway.)

    Once they were all snug in their beds, I resumed my adventures with hot, not-nearly-shirtless-enough vampires. After one episode, I realized that I was tired and should go to bed, but I simply couldn’t. Something undefined was keeping me awake.

    So I watched another episode.

    When that ended, I unequivocally realized that another episode of Vampire Diaries had done nothing to alleviate this undefined need that was keeping me away from my lovely pillow and snuggly covers.

    Searching for an answer to what was wrong with me, especially since insomnia is not one of my multitude of problems, I popped back onto my favorites page and noticed that the thumbnail for the Bloggess had updated since my earlier venture through my daily fixes.

    I loaded it up and began to read. With a very small downward scroll, I discovered what my psyche needed to tell me so that I could finally give in to my exhaustion and sleep: a stuffed weasel.

    I never would have suspected that this was what I needed so badly, but I am now dozing in and out as my fingers roam the keyboard. Thanks, Juanita. Sleep well, Jenny.

  281. PPS – I can’t even stop…

    ^ I just realized who your writing reminds me of. An adult Junie B. Jones.

    pppps. That’s a wonderful thing.

  282. one of the things I regret about getting old is that I probably won’t live long enough to read your daughter’s book. It’s going to be awesome.

  284. Your weirdness never seems to end. I think we were separated at birth! You sense of humor is totally me.

  285. Bahahaha. Too funny. My husband and I just had a conversation about the phrase “so you cute I could eat you up.” We think maybe that is how animals end up eating their young, just too much cuteness. The smock….amazing.

  287. this is seriously one of the most delightful things i’ve ever seen lol! at least since Copernicus. my husband is kind of obsessed with him and the “a hug is a strangle you haven’t finished yet”.

  289. Weezie. You kinda have to name your weasel Weezie, right? I mean, I don’t really see you having a choice. It’s like the universe says so.

  290. Delightful! Thank you for brightening my day. My best friend of 15 years (who also holds the high distinction of having introduced me to to Beyonce the metal chicken) is giving birth to a baby boy next month. I don’t suppose Juanita is available for another photo shoot with a tiny male mouse? My friend, already the wonderful mother of a precocious 2-year-old, would love it! Thanks!

  292. Oh my God. That last photo made me choke on a piece of salmon. Perhaps Juanita could bring in additional income by hiring herself out as a hit-weasel, terrifying unsuspecting victims into death-by-dinner.

  293. OMG Are you me? Am I you? I don’t have a stuffed weasel (YET), but I just got my second artificial leg for my collection – both legs found in the trash. Who throws away a perfectly good leg? One of them still has a shoe on it.I also have a collection of insect heads in a jar in my kitchen, and I make sculptures with false teeth and old chicken bones.

  294. Well, I never took a class on “weasel economics,” but I do have an econ degree AND took a bowling class FROM A STATE COLLEGE, and all that education says…GOOD CHOICE!

  295. Juanita the Weasel could be the next, and may I say, much improved, form of Barbie dolls. After all, she is totally anatomically correct.

    And now all she needs is her own little totally awesome red dress. And another photo shoot!

  296. Juanita just works.
    But so would Liesel Barrymore Weasel. She goes by Liesel B. Weasel.

    It fits the drama and explains her tremendous range.

    So give it some thought. It could change your weasel’s life forever.

  297. You should name her Donita Weasel, because no one should eat a weasel. Not even Juan.

  299. “Hey, Girl!”

    Tears, I’m telling you…streaming down my face…hardly able to catch my breath to re-read it to my husband. Who (after laughing himself) threatened to kill me if I ever brought home a taxidermied anything. This, of course, means that I need to find a stuffed anything immediately.

  301. I think you should give Juanita a mic and say “This is…AMERICAN IDOL!”

    But that last photo damn near killed me. My lungs are exhausted. And also, I want a souffle.

  302. The picture of Juanita in the dress made me cough hummus on my laptop. Kind of gross, but so worth it.

    For some reason, she reminds me of the Nicola Roberts ‘Dance to the Beat of My Drum’ Video.

  303. When I forced my husband to read this entry he got stuck on the “unpatriotic” part. All he could think of was Juanita dressed as Betsy Ross.

  307. Omigod the soufflé photo…I just can’t. stop. laughing. You’re basically the most brilliant person I’ve never met. And Juanita just made me laugh so hard my dog came over to make sure I wasn’t dying.

  310. I HAD to share the link for this on FB because I laughed so hard that I was crying. Plus I was crying ’cause I laughed so hard it made my hernia hurt. If your book is half as funny as this post (and the one about Copernicus- where I first heard about you) I have a feeling I’ll be buying several copies. I love to lend out books I love, but then want to read them again, so I buy new copies instead of asking for mine back. Somehow I think you might be able to relate…

  314. I cannot believe you haven’t taken a picture of Juanita with Copernicus! They would look so fetching together!
    and I just love her apron.

    You are so a woman after my own heart.

  316. OMG, that weasel looks exactly how I feel after a stressful day at work.
    Why no souffle’ weasel in your shop?

  318. Jenny I *need* a souffle magnet. I don’t want one, I NEED one! I want that in my kitchen so I can see it everyday!

  319. Whynota Juanita.

    Maybe, just maybe, if you dressed Victor up, and let him pose with the weasel…

    Nah

    Juanita Weasel is EXCELLENT! ha ha ha ha

  320. LMAO! Great, I just sprayed my keybord with Diet Coke, AGAIN. And, if you are wondering, yes it burns when it comes out of your nose because you are laughing so hard at the pictures.

  321. Yesterday, because of you I bought a metallic cockerel. Thank god I don’t have a Victor in my life to complain and not understand me!

  323. I feel a little weird about posting this comment because it’s (strangely) the most open I’ve ever been to the internet, but fuck it.
    I just got broken up with (literally) and it was, let’s just say, a bad breakup, and I’m lying here feeling pretty terrible about life in general, and got on Twitter hoping for a distraction of some sort, and there was a new Bloggess blog! And Jenny is living her life like normal, purchasing taxidermied animals and taking surprisingly artistic pictures of them like it’s a *normal* thing to do. And I love it. It’s wonderful and whimsical, and while I can’t say that I feel better, because I don’t think I will for a long while, I can say that I’m really glad that this blog (and Jenny) exists. And I really hope that these awesome readers make Jenny feel a little bit better when she’s feeling down, too.
    I’m sorry for this crappy downer comment. I hope no one actually reads it, but I felt like I needed to say something, for myself. That it would help somehow. I don’t know how, but I do believe in trusting my instincts. So I’m posting this, something I would never have done if I were still in a serious relationship. Hmm, maybe that’s why.

  325. Have you read “A Dirty Job” by Christopher Moore? Taxidermied animals have an important role to play…

  326. Juanita is absolutely wonderful… I can see why you are so proud!
    On a side note, I saw a raccoon on the side of the road yesterday and my first thought was…
    No, not “Hmm, Roadkill” as a normal person might expect but…
    ” hmmm, wonder if Jenny could use a raccoon”…
    followed by …” who do you call to clean that up?”
    As you might have guessed by now 1) I am evidently not normal and 2) I have no clue when it comes to roadkill and taxidermy… but I am working on that.

  329. My grandmother-in-law is the VERY conservative wife of a southern baptist minister. Her name is Juanita. True story. I am getting her the last card cuz I know that after a lifetime of no dancing, no drinking and no cursing, every time she ruins yet another souffle and says, “oh shucks,” she is really thinking, “This motherfucking souffle is ruined.”

  330. Wow. You totally just took the shine off of my “animal eating your face off” post…dangit. Actually, I’m so upset about it, that I’m making the Juanita face right now. Only not with so many teeth. And less fur.
    Dangit.

  331. I bought a James Garfield card.
    I loved the Duckie!
    I thought Tranny Piragator was pretty cool.
    and I LOL’d at the last pic of Juanita.
    But Taxidermy STILL freaks me out.

  332. Also, Juanita’s surname should be something French cheffy, like…
    Juanita L’Variée (Juanita The Varied – considering her range of facial expressions at different angles)

  333. “O.M.G guys! like, you’d TOTALLY not believe…”
    Is what Juanita seems to be saying. She’s definitely a melodramatic sorority girl at heart.
    Thanks for being so whimsical and silly and yet so damn funny – you keep on reminding me to be whimsical and silly too. Life gets really boring when we take ourselves too seriously, eh?

  334. Juanita is pretty fantastic all by herself (well, the transvestite alligator really gives the diorama ‘punch’), but in that dress… lordy, lordy… fan-FUCKING-tastic is the word. BTW…I’ve been scouring the taxidermy sales for a girlfriend for Hamlet. Dude needs a chick…he is way suave to still be single.

  336. My cat is called Juanita. My other is Alphonso.

    She has been sat next to me for the last hour solid, batting at a bottle of 7up next to me entranced by the bubbles. This is her being cute.

    However, I think that your Juanita is better.

  338. you’ve really outdone yourself this time! if i have to change my pants again after reading about your taxidermied animal shenanigans, my boyfriend has threatened to mail them directly to you for laundering.

    i’m only telling you this so you don’t think i’m some sort of weirdo stalker or creepy soiled pants mailer.

    no, really.

  339. Someone else may have already asked this, but. . .when are they getting married?
    It’s not like you could just pass up the opportunity to put her in a wedding dress.
    Or him in a tux with a beret.

  341. My wife is jealous of how much I love you. . .this post increases both my love of you and her jealousy. . .

  343. Hi Juanita,
    Just visiting via a link on my daughter-in-love’s Twitter. Glad I read this!

    Whenever I buy something neat for an art niche, like at a yard sale, my wife looks at my purchase and says, “One man’s trash is another man’s trash”.

    What a lucky man Victor is.

    Thanks for this posting, I’ve really enjoyed it.

    John Cowart

  346. I NEED the souffle picture, I NEED it. It is what my wall has always been missing. Except I live in the UK and I don’t think it will ship here. My wall, and me, are now bereft with grief.

  347. I just thought of an idea. If you know somebody very annoying that has just had a baby, can do a modification on the “Your baby is so cute it should be eaten”, change it to “Your baby is so ugly, we think it should be eaten”. My bet is they will never speak to you again.

  348. Rather than Juanita, how’bout Giselle Weasel?

    If you say “Giselle” like you took nine credit hours of French at community college, then “Giselle” and “weasel” almost rhyme.

    Food for thought. Of course, I want souffle now, so technically, it’s souffle for thought.

    YOU’RE WELCOME.

  349. I just burst out laughing and woke up all my roomies at five a.m. I don’t think they are in the right mood for Juanita right now, but I love her, and you, and Victor. You all make me furiously happy.

  351. The little dress with an apron? All Juanita needs now is a little string of pearls and some pumps and you have the perfect 50’s housewife with an Alligator husband who happens to be an actor in a swashbuckling pirate movie.

    Can you see the scene?

    “Allen” Alligator: “Honey I’m home for a quick dinner break. I didn’t even have time to change my costume. WHAT’S FOR DINNER?”
    Juanita: “OMG, did you have to yell? Now the motherfucking souffle is ruined!!”

    Just sayin’………

  353. Dear Jenny,
    I know I am going to sound like a tremendous prude here, but would you consider doing a different version of the Juanita souffle apron? May I suggest motherflipping, if I am not being too pushy? I only ask because I love it, but the 6 year old repeats everything he hears or reads to his very uptight teacher. I know he will learn the F bomb soon, but until then I am living in self denial. Thanks!

  354. OMG! I’m dying laughing. And I’m on the bus to work so it’s a tiny bit embarrassing. It’s not like I could really explain that a taxadermied weasel in a dress is making me snort and get less confused stares than I’m getting now!
    Brilliant!

  355. Jenny, your blog makes me laugh everyday! When i’m bored/stressed/tired/insert another feeling of mundaneness here, i log onto your blog, get a dose of you and i’m instantly ready for the next hour or so of my life. You’re like everyone’s favourite teapot – slightly cracked but still adored! can’t wait for your next installment xxx

  357. I live in Japan, so Valentine’s day is almost over. And while I love your posts…i love when there is a new post…I love how it makes me laugh…I love how it validates my reality…all I can say is Victor really, really has true love for you. You are truly a lucky woman!

  360. Send me your address and I’ll send you a string of pearls. I love people who see potential.

  361. If I weren’t boycotting Valentines, I would be sending weasels to everyone I know. I may reconsider for next year. See also: I’m going to die alone.

  362. Better yet, set op a P.O. Box. I bet you’d get flooded with donations. Just a hunch.

  363. With those teeth and claws she kind of reminds me of the thing that came out of John Hurt’s chest in ‘Alien’ and ruined everyone’s breakfast. Either that or an ex-girlfriend. Well I said ‘reminds’, more shading towards ‘reminded’ – the resemblence was lost as soon as she donned the souffle apron.

    Now she’s a perfect match for Victoria Beckham, right down to the glassy stare and third rate embalming technique.

  364. The level to which you are f*cked up inspires me daily. In a good way!!!!!!! You complete me.

  368. Jenny, I have something that you need to see.

    Someone I went to college with (Ok, I was really only in one class with her but she was really cool and I always WANTED to be friends, but I’m not so good at making them. We’re friends on Facebook though….that kind of counts. It’s hard enough to keep the ones I have because I enjoy my couch more than the outside world. At least in the winter. I like being social when it’s warm out.) is a taxidermy artist and I think you’d think she’s awesome. She has an Etsy shop but the stuff in there isn’t nearly as exciting as her gallery here-

    http://www.roguetaxidermy.com/members_detail.php?id=584

    I mean….she mounted a wolf’s head on a painter’s palette and there is a paintbrush in the wolf’s mouth. The fox bookends are pretty awesome too. And now that I’ve really started looking….everyone on that website is pretty fantastic. I like Winter Rosebudd’s bubble gum pink beast rug. Enjoy!

  371. Long time stalker, first time commenter. That weasel should obviously be named Sasha Fierce. She’s a sassy ball of judgy snark with a healthy does of diva thrown in.

  372. I love how Juanita’s apron comes in a child’s size. My ex-husband would *not* understand if I bought that for my 8-year-old.

  373. We all need a dead weasel 😉 hopefully you won’t find one of the cats dragging it around LOL

  374. Dear Jenny, You can assure Victor that this was no insult. I saw the emotionally petrified weasel on physically petrified wood and thought, who better to give this weasel a home than The Bloggess! Had I any ill intent, I would have bought the weasel for myself and sent you a photo along with a note stating “See this weasel? She’s mine. Not yours.” I knew you could do more good with a dead weasel than I could. Plus I work for one of them there schmancy state colleges you mentioned. (In the state ranking #1 in foreclosure inventory and #7 in unemployment – woot!) So what would have been my weasel buying pennies are going under my mattress in an envelope marked “Firearms and Velour a.k.a. Retirement”.

    I wish we still had that whole bobcat in the freezer. I’d send it to Victor as a peace offering.

    Sincerely, The Girl on Twitter

  375. I was at auditions last night for the theater where I work when this popped up in my feed reader on my phone. I probably shouldn’t have opened it, but I did. And then spent twenty minutes attempting not to laugh out loud while actors were auditioning their hearts out on stage in front of me as I sat in the front row RUNNING the auditions. Actors, with their easily-crushed little egos, probably wouldn’t have taken it well had I started laughing while they were emoting. But the little screamy face on Juanita! And the souffle photo! And the apron!

    In related news, I really need to not take my phone out during auditions, otherwise I’m going to get fired as Artistic Director.

  376. Juanita is the best! Been laughing for 2 days now. I want her souffle pic as my screen saver, but settled for an apron…

  378. Dear Jenny,
    I have not laughed so hard in years as I did when I got to the souffle picture. And then I started sobbing. Apparently there is something cathartic about a stuffed weasel in an old-fashioned pinafore distraught at her fallen souffle.
    Thank you so much for making me laugh till I cried.

    Gratefully,

    Nina

    P.S. I haven’t ever thought of buying anything on Zazzle (far too broke to consider it), but I think that Juanita getting upset might make me have to do it. I want to commemorate this feeling, but don’t use aprons. Maybe a tee shirt?

  379. There.are.no.words! [slow clap] I have fallen off my chair, snickered like a crazy crackhead here at work. Juanita…you are too EPIC. Jenny…..YOU ARE BEYOND EPIC. I’m a long time lurker of your site and felt compelled to comment. Reading this post and seeing Juanita gave me the courage to speak up and bow to this awesome piece of goodness laced with pumpkin spice and a box full of glitter granades. Ladies… Thank you!
    [Pardon me over the grammatical horror of this comment]

    Will comment again when I have the courage not to sound like a jackass.

  380. Aprons. Yes, aprons. And if you can get a tiny embroidered Juanita Weasel print, perhaps some pedal pushers, too. For spring.

  381. These made me laugh so hard I started making that awesome wheezing sound as I breathed in. 🙂

  382. You couldn’t make these BEFORE Valentine’s Day?!

    These cards would have gone great with the Chia Pet Homer Simpson head.

    DAY. RUINED.

  383. Was scrolling through the pictures at the end and giggling, then got to the last one of the Motherfucking souffle and spit root beer on my screen. Thanks for that 🙂

  384. I’m thinking Juanita could be spokes-weasel for a line of dental care products: toothpaste, whiteners, mouthwash, etc. The captions/slogans almost write themselves!

  385. Pure awesome! Tis a damned shame she’s a female though, or Pauly Shore would make a badass name. Hmmm…Paula Shore?

  387. She really really really does have the face for EVERY emotion. Please Please Please keep going with the hilarious pictures – I’m thinking a special for Valentine’s Day featuring an array of taxidermied animals. And please think ahead to St Patrick’s and Easter. I need to plan ahead.

  388. I think the thing I enjoy most is that the “This motherfucking souffle is ruined!” apron comes in kids’ sizes. I laughed so hard I nearly threw up.

  391. Dying. Just dying. Laughing so hard at work I’m crying. Boss asked WTF and now she’s reading about Juanita and equally dying of laughter. Well done.

  392. You’ve made me run through the house yelling ” I need a WEASEL! STAT!”

    Also I’m rethinking our art niche….

  393. By 9:30 this morning, I’d already had a pretty craptastic day. This however made me laugh so hard I had to close my office door! Thanks for that.

  394. i snorted from not laughing out loud at work and a little snot bubble came out. i think juanita should hide in victor’s underwear drawer, because she looks a little pissy, probably because of the smack talk. surprise!

  396. The dress. The souffle. Must have. I love that you called the apron “Juanita gets upset apron.” You say so many things that have never been said before on earth. That’s really hard to do.

  397. I’m tempting to start decorating my office with weird, antique taxidermy. It would definitely keep out the normals.

  398. HOW does one obtain a Juanita mug? I MUST have one….I MUST!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t find it on zazzle… And, well, I’d probably get a talkin’ to for wearing the apron to work…the mug would be shrugged off by the non-believers…

  400. OMG I’m glad my Manager is out of the office today or I wouldn’t have been able to laugh so hard outloud. Thanks for that, I needed it. You are certainly rockin the weasel!

  401. oh holy shit. this may be my favorite EVER!! you are a sick sick bitch. I have tears rolling down my face.. I must say, however, I …like Victor… was unaware the Alligator was a Transvestite. You learn something new every day. 😉

  402. This is so deranged, I can hardly stand it, but then what does it say about me when I am laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes? Seriously, the last caption about the souffle?? I think I may have to refer back to this post throughout the day, just to keep my spirits up.

    Who needs antique taxidermied rodents when they have you?

  405. Omg you have the best, most thoughtful followers in all of twitter-verse. Thanks for bringing me joy lol

  406. Great post, as always. I don’t mean to sound like a prude, but shouldn’t the kid’s apron have the word “motherfucking” replaced with something a little more, umm, kid-friendly?

  407. First of all, I came across this horoscope that screamed you almost as much as Juanita: “That person you’ve been seeing will finally introduce you to her friends, so it’s a good thing you have an appreciation for taxidermy.”…. Now let’s get down to brass tacks – how much for the vase of hands!?!??!?!? 🙂 XO

  409. I DESPERATELY NEED a card of the souffle is ruined varietal!!! WHY DON’T I SEE ONE ON THE WEBSITE !?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

  410. Oh I am laughing so hard I am crying! I just found your blog and already know I found a kindred soul! LOL

  412. And just when you think she can’t get any funnier, The Bloggess proves us all wrong. That last photo was effing. hilarious. Does it come in a postcard? I want to stick it to my fridge. Ooh! huge fridge magnets!

  414. OOPS. Found it. Not sure why I didn’t see it when I just clicked to the zazzle page, but it WAS when I clicked on the numbers. Of course, going back now it’s there. I will assume there was a tear in the time/space continuum and this is not my fault.

  415. first off, amazing, as usual. Second, I think you will enjoy the story of ” Weasel in Salt”. My dad accidentally trapped a weasel in a rat trap, and decided to preserve it. He put it in a 4 liter ice cream bucket full of coarse salt, to “dry it out”. On the top of the ice cream bucket, he wrote, in sharpie, “Weasel in Salt”.. during their recent move , it has become misplaced… much to the chagrin of my daughter who had dibbsed it… so yes, dear Jenny, there are others out there who want a preserved weasel, and somewhere out there, someone is going to get a grand surprise when they find the lost bucket of weasel 🙂

  417. #thatawkwardmoment when you laugh out loud at work uncontrollably at a taxidermied weasel yelling about a ruined suffle.

  418. My grandmother’s name was Juanita, but her nickname was “skip.” Something to do with wearing a sailor costume to school as a child. Juanita needs a sailor costume.

  420. So with you NancyG. Last one made me tilt back in my chair, throw my head back and honestly LOL! Full teeth showing, tears in my eyes. Damn thats some funny.

  421. I too was a Zazzle virgin before Juanita (B.J. – a new measure of time…) – but now the THIS MOTHERFUCKING SOUFFLE IS RUINED greeting card is on its way to me and I have a Zazzle wishlist and everything… This will be framed and hung in my kitchen – right over my souffle pans. Thanks for making me howl with laughter on a day I had previously written off… xoxo

  424. Juanita is indeed Awesome.

    Vintage Weasel in a vintage dress…. could anything be better…

    but yes, she needs a variety of outfits, including the aforementioned cape, and sword…

    and definitely a red dress… Heck I desperately want to make a tiny weasely red gown… but will need her measurements. (I more usually make plushies and stuff for BJD, but Juanita is just made of awesome!)

  425. I got this in an email with the subject, “This is so you.”

    I do have a dollhouse I plan to fill with weird craft creatures having tea, but seriously, you are the Queen and I bow to your presence.

  430. I see this, and her dramatic pose, and all I can think of is Scarlett O’Hara promising she’ll never go hungry again.

  432. That picture with all of the other dolls and Juanita in the middle makes me think, “It’s the ciiiiiiiiircle of liiiiiiiiiifeeee…” 😀

  435. This makes me deliriously happy and I don’t think I could explain why to any sane human being.

  436. Jenny – for the love of all that’s holy, you HAVE to get Juanita and Copernicus together for a “Pop Goes the Weasel” scenario… it would rock so fucking hard. I don’t suppose you have any miniature mulberry bushes?

  437. Only on your blog…. am I not suprised to see a stuffed weasel (I just wrote that), but found myself wondering how she got Juanita into the pretty little yellow frock. I suspect spanx.

  439. I have a giant frog, gutted and made into a purse you might be interested in. 🙂 FOR REALS!

  441. This is so funny I started crying from laughing… at work! the sort of hysterical laughing that you can’t stop! the last picture is epic! Love it!

  442. Your collection is awesome!! Husbands sometimes just don’t understand why some things make us happy. For example, for me to receive a Walmart bag full of notebook paper makes me smile so big that it hurts my face. My hubby doesn’t understand it, he just knows what it takes to make me smile. 🙂

  443. One day, when your daughter goes off to college and meets her new roommate in the dorms, they will inevitably have the conversation about whose parents are more insane. And your daughter will win. And it will be glorious. There is no greater legacy than the legacy of internet memes.

  445. Dusting the shelves at your house must be so different than dusting the shelves at mine.

  447. Jenny … I love you. Happy Valentine’s Day.

    And I must confess, when I first saw Juanita, I had doubts. I mean, she looked like a clawing, rabid bitch. But then I realized I just needed to get to know her a little better. I mean if I was shipped to a complete stranger’s house wearing nothing but my birthday suit, I’d probably be a little pissed too. But now girlfriend is working that dress like nobody’s business.

  448. I’m not sure who’s more to blame for my 11 and 13yo daughters’ new epithet “Holy Crapsnacks!”, you, or me for introducing them to you…at least they self-censor, right? I totally need to send you the 13yo’s Rube-Goldberg contraption drawing for opening the front door…it includes both Beyonce and Copernicus!

  450. I just love you. In an I’m totally jealous of your weasel way. Also in all the other ways. You have a really special way of making me laugh so hard that people stare. and by people, I mean my dogs.

  451. It was a crappy day until I saw Juanita. Then she made the day fucking AWESOME. I really need a female weasel in our art niche…that sounds all kinds of dirty…um…yeah…

  454. Henrietta – her name should be Henrietta ala Henrietta Pussycat from Mr Rogers Neighborhood – ESPECIALLY with the pretty frock. Just think of all the Mr Rogers themed dioramic potential!

  458. Need to make a LOL-Weasel that says: “OMG, JENNY’S BOOK HAS BEEN RELEASED!”

    …and then release the book!

  459. Well,crap. Now I have an image of a studded weasel dancing to: “Put your arms in the air oooh oooh arms in the air!!”

  461. I LOVE it! I would totally buy the apron, but I would never be able to wear a swear when my parents visited, and what’s the point of having an apron if I can’t show my parents that I am practicing safe baking and protecting myself! (My dad would totally laugh at the sentiment, though.)

  464. That weasel just SCREAMS at me that she’s singing the Goat-herd song from Sound of Music. I really don’t know why.
    Ladyohdiladyohdilady eee hooo!

  466. I just envisioned Juanita screaming “hallelujah!!!” with that first picture of her in the frock.

  469. I must admit I’m a little disappointed. You have time to put Juanita wearing an apron onto an apron and yet, Wil Wheaton tweets and asks for such a simple thing, a picture of Juanita yelling “KAAAAAAAAHN!” and you ignore him. You are so distracted by your new infatuation, Simon Pegg, that you remember none of the little people who helped you at your start. Poor Wil, just tossed aside like yesterday’s twine.

  470. Admittedly I wasn’t quite getting Juanita either. Until that last photo in the frock. But of course she’d be the poster child for us non martha types. Now, I get it. And her.

  471. I really want the “this motherfucking souffle is ruined!” as a framed poster in my kitchen. I might ask Kinkos if it’s possible. I’m sure my boyfriend will love it.

  472. Next time I ruin a souffle I’m going all Juanita in the kitchen. Of course I’ve never made a souffle, but I may start now just so I can have a weasel moment.

  473. That last one made me laugh so hard and so suddenly I had a giant snot bubble. Thank God I sit pretty much by myself at work or I would have been mildly embarrassed.
    I love Juanita. You make me want to buy a dead, stuffed animal of every species. When are you going to buy a cow?

  474. I don’t usually curse this much, or at least use this word…….very often, but I SWEAR it looks like she is saying “I cannot BELIEVE we are out of mother-fucking clean towels AGAIN!”

  475. I just looked at the Juanita pics again and damn near peed myself in a fit of uncontrollable laughter. I don’t know why, but I suddenly got a picture of her (as June Cleaver) taking a burnt souffle out of the oven and wailing in agony.
    And then I thought she might be the Y in YMCA.

  476. I love this post!

    I love to purchase a card with the souffle weasel for a funny symphathy card if it ever becomes available. *nudge nudge* *wink wink*. 🙂

  477. I would totally put the weasel in an outfit and then reenact Peter Pan. And before you point out that Peter Pan was a boy, I am going to point out that Peter Pan was most often played by women because it is a sick world we live in.

    Anyway. Weasel Peter Pan. Or maybe Weasel Pirates of the Caribbean. Weasel Treasure Island?

  479. I’d had a premonition that your family of stuffed critters was about to expand. Guess I was right. Congrats on your new addition. She looks just like you- that is when you’re off your meds that is.

  480. Teresa: “Victor is probably just jealous and feeling left out that he doesn’t have a dead animal that is him.”

    OH MY GOD, PERFECT SOLUTION: BUY A TAXIDERMIED ANIMAL VICTOR.

    You could put it in his office! Or maybe putit by his head while he sleeps so he wakes up to a surprise!

  482. It’s amazing how much it *doesn’t* surprise me you had a dress to fit Juanita. Pure brilliance.

  484. My name is Jenny and my Spanish teacher in High School tried to tell me that Juanita was Spanish for Jenny. So I say go for it.

  488. I can’t get over the fact that you just happened to have a dress to fit a weasel. For that and for a million other reasons, I heart you. Thank you for the mother fucking laughs.

    I love you and Juanita and the whole menagerie! Happy Valentine’s Day 🙂

  489. Oh Jenny, I think you’ve outdone yourself. Laughed so hard, I cried. Especially the new baby card.

  491. The conversation here went….

    Me – Oh my God you have to read the latest post on the blogess.com

    Him – Why?

    Me – She’s got a stuffed ferret…

    ……… in a dress

    Him – (pregnant pause, confused expression) Why has she got a stuffed ferret in a dress?

    Me – she needs it to go with the stuffed alligator

    Him – You two would get on really well.

  492. You must must must visit the Mutter Museum in Philadelphia. It is one of the most awesomely bizarre and fantastic medical oddities collection ever.

  493. I don’t even know what to say. I was hiccup laughing before I even got to the greeting cards, but “This motherfucking souffle is ruined”, just vintage. This is why I started coming back to The Bloggess in the first place. Gold.

  494. Oh Juanita. I thought I loved Beyonce, and the badger/cobra battle, but I didn’t know what love was until I saw you. YOU are my Valentine.

  495. Holy Mother of God, there was nothing that could have prepared me for the glory of Jaunita in a sassy frock. I love your blog.

  496. I collect old dolls and doll parts and other interesting artifacts for my photos.

    Check them out if you want. I NEED MORE DOLL PARTS.

    p.s. Jaunita is fierce.

  497. Best Valentine’s post I have seen ever! You make me laugh out loud and for that, I thank you!

  499. I just had to explain to my 8 year old son why I was laughing hysterically in the general direction of my tablet. Which lead to viewing photos of Juanita. Which of course led to an explanation of taxidermy appropriate for his age group (is there such a thing) . Which of course led to the story of Beyonce. Yeah my day is complete.

  500. Um, I adore you. You supply endless giggles and laughter, and for this, I am endlessly appreciative and grateful. I, also, took a moment to research my ability to gift you with another amazingly useful taxidermied creature with style, and well…I simply don’t have the funds. BUT, I found this website. I’m sure you are already aware of it, but this man has a squirrel dressed as a cowboy, and a chipmunk rowing a mini canoe. I….I just thought you needed to know about this.

  502. its official…spending an evening with you is now on my bucket list-I laughed so hard I peed my pants!!!

  503. Wow! I love your taxidermy purchase. Juanita is a score especially with her new frock. I absolutely can’t get enough of your funny photos with their captions. Love your sense of humor!

  504. The soufflé is ruined. The center cannot hold. Things fall apart. Juanita is unpleased.

    Insightful words from one so petrified

  506. New challenge: find Victor a taxidermic animal that is “him.” Preferably another weasel, hopefully making the “HOLYSHITSNACKS, THAT TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF YOU./ HOLYSHITSNACKS, WHY ARE YOU BUYING OLD TAXIDERMIED RODENTS?” face.

    That being said: Good news, Bloggess! I live in Western Pennsylvania, where taxidermy animals run rampant in our antiquities shops and households. I will keep an eye out and when the time and taxidermy is right, I will sound the alarms and head for Twitter.

    Please note: the internet may need a picture of the aforementioned HOLYSHITSNACKS face. For Science.

  508. So when my sister told me she got the blogess to buy a dead weasel over the phone I totally didn’t believe her. Then she showed me the weasel on her phone. Happy to see she made it to you in one piece and I just have to tell you this post made my day! I love love love the way you dressed up Juanita. Thank you for being awesome!

  510. ROFLOL…YOU crack me UP…IF you ever decide to go on stage I’d be the first in line to buy a ticket! Thanks Thanks Thanks for the laughs….Today especially my husband is active duty military and we are in Guam. Just got news from home that I wish I could be there to help family but the ticket home is too expensive and I was feeling sad…YOU made my day! Thanks!

  511. I totally forgot I have not one but TWO stuffed albino squirrels. If I weren’t so attached to them I would totally add them to your collection. Sorry, but they were my Dad’s and the story behind them is so typical of his outlook on things… he had an albino squirrel in his yard, he’d never seen one before so what did he do? Of course, he got his gun and shot it. Then a couple weeks later he saw another one… which he also shot. It’s even funnier because he lived in a really ritzy neighborhood in Minneapolis at the time. Firearms were sort of frowned upon. It’s too bad he never found a black squirrel to shoot to add to the cute little vignette he created… Maybe I should go get my gun… hmmm….

  513. OOO my Goddddd – those HANDS in the back of the fourth photo!!!!

    WHERE did you get those? I just emailed my best friend – also Donna, also born on the same day, but she’ll always be older [heehee, sorry, kiddo, had to put that in here]… she’s teased me for-fuckin-ever about my nightmare of these URP MOnsters that live under sofas and beds and shit like that, that have HANDS coming out of the urp and then — when you’re not looking, or ina stupor watching anothe boring Conan show, they ZAP! get you right at the Achille’s heel and suck all your lifeforce out of you… shit!
    I am now in a lotus pose in my study chair… havent been in this position since my last boyfriend.. god, i think I just broke something in my back.

    Beats getting the lifeforce sucked out of you though – I guess.

    Anyway, you keep an eye out on those damn things. Better yet, put them under one of those old-lady bell things like that wimpy fairy doll you have. She’s not going to do anything NEAR what those Urp Monsters will do to you…. take care.

  514. OMG. These comments are almost as funny as your post. Love your blog, love your followers – highlight of my day! And yes, can’t wait for the book!!

  515. Apparently waking up to the bed shaking cause I’m laughing so hard isn’t my husband’s idea of a good time. I tried to make up for it by reading the blog about Juanita, all he had to say was “Boy oh boy” then rolled over and went back to sleep! Maybe he and Victor are twins separated at birth? You are my favorite middle of the night indulgence!

  517. I really REALLY want to be able to buy a magnet of the last pic for the kitchen fridge. You rock!

  518. Oh my God. I tweeted you to tell you that I was going to hang your motherfucking souffle card in my kitchen (See, Victor? Juanita is very profitable!). I just came back and saw that you added a motherfucking apron. I have an apron collection (because I’m a slob when I cook) and it will not be complete until I get my hands on the Juanita apron. I’ll be sure to save it for when it’s really inappropriate. Like when the president comes to dinner. Or, more likely, my parents. I need a laugh.

  519. My wife is still sleeping and I’m almost dying here trying to keep from SCREAMING with laughter. You totally have made my day.

  521. OMG, that is the best thing ever!!!! This is definitely a collectable I can get into. Victor needs to take a cue from husband. When faced with absurdities such as this, the best way to handle this is raised eyebrown, a solemn look, followed by a deep sigh. That’s what my darling husband does when I come home with a new tattoo or spooky artifact. It works for us 🙂

  522. By the way, just ordered the photo sculpture for my desk at work (everyone there already thinks I’m a major weirdo, so no one will bat an eye) and two cards for my sis-in-laws. Psyched! 🙂

  526. This will never be seen by anyone here… but I confess, I bugged Her Maj in an email about the possibility of something more… tiny-poster sized in a Soufflé print. Voila… various poster-sized thingies appeared in the shop! AND THEN… AND THEN, there was The Apron. I’ve ordered both. You can’t SEE Juanita on your own apron. But the UPS guy can when he rings your doorbell. He, OTOH, cannot see the Juanita print hanging in that special spot in your kitchen, but you can stare at it lovingly while waiting for the Cream of Wheat to thicken up. After you’ve ruined your soufflé. It’s the best of all possible worlds. Fang you. p.s. Kernut the Blond, the apron is not priceless but it’s quite reasonable.

  527. Oh how I needed that today! Or any day! That post made me laugh so hard I almost fell out of my chair and I definitely had tears rolling down my cheeks!

  530. So…. I need to purchase that soufflé pic, but I want it like, poster-sized. I will frame it and surprise my boyfriend with a brand new piece of art as a (belated) birthday present (Or maybe I will tell him it’s an Ash Wednesday gift). And then I will hang it in the bathroom. Please help. This is a must have. Price is no object… when it comes to faux soufflé -making weasels. PLEASE CREATE IT IN YOUR SHOP ASAP!

  531. So now I’m laughing and crying at the same time because I’m laughing so hard. At work. Power to the Weasel!

  532. Well Victor is going to hate me for this and will probably block me from ever speaking to you or reading your blog again but you have to see this!
    http://grandrapids.craigslist.org/fuo/2849054618.html
    A whole coyote for the bargain price of $55!!
    (if you don’t want to click on the link, just go to the Grand Rapids, Michigan craigslist, the go to furniture by owner (ya I know stupid place for a coyote lol) or just type coyote in the search box 🙂

  534. To the person above me, furniture is a perfectly sensible place for a coyote because coyotes belong everywhere.

    I fucking love weasels. I actually learned about weasel economics in college! (It was northern Michigan. Weasels are an important part of our economy in the north.) I am buying a million weasel cards. The apron really suits her, too.

  538. MY FAVORITE TAXIDERMY FRIEND YET. Hands and paws down.
    Also, I’d like to peacefully request you change “rodent” to “mustelid” because weasels are like as far away as rodents as you can get. They eat rodents. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. (I’m a huge ferret person and calling them or their cousins rodents is… uncouth! Gasp!)
    HERE, PROOF: It’s Juanita when she was alive! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xsGs6oEGxJM&list=FLg-p_GwYxoblTUiLlYfgevQ&index=29&feature=plpp_video
    I bet you didn’t know Juanita could dance. 😀

  539. You are seriously disturbed in a wonderful way … thanks for the laugh .. my sympathies to Victor! 🙂

  540. OK, I have checked out the J.We merchandise but can’t find what I’m looking for. Do you take requests? Because my upcoming kitchen renovation would very much benefit from an 11×14 print of the “Souffle” incident (with the “u” in ‘motherfucking’ asterisked out, if possible, as we are a mostly PG household). I am more than willing to pay very good money for this print (which I will most certainly keep secret from my husband until the “big reveal”), thus contributing to both the American economy in general and the Lawson economy in particular, as requested. Is it at all possible to make this happen????

  541. Fantastically juanderful!
    The “Happy Holidays” greeting card is just brilliant. It says something I desperately want to say and says it so well.

  542. Be aware that Wil also might turn the day into an Occupy Chris Brown protest.

    He seems to be really agitated.

    From a news story:

    Chimed actor Wil Wheaton: “Everyone who apparently forgot what Chris Brown did to Rihanna should read the police report on exactly what he did.”

    I bet Chris Brown would not fuck with Juanita Weasel.

    There is another name for weasel-beaters:

    “Weasel Chow”.

  545. Geez, I’m out of town for two days and I missed this? You’re killing me – tears are literally rolling down my face at that picture of Juanita in her apron. OMG…priceless.

    Whomever suggested refrigerator magnets — yes please!

  548. Yes! My eighteen month old loves helping mommy in the kitchen… Matching aprons to be had by all. Hurray!

  549. I never knew weasels were so small. Does she travel? Maybe we could do a Flat Stanley thing and ship her all over the country and take photos of her in front of famous landmarks! Please, oh, please!

  551. Oh, and besides (possibly) photobombing, Juanita may need some more outfits. There’s only so much she can do wearing an apron or being naked. She needs a dressmaker. Maybe I’m volunteering…

  556. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can always count on you to make a very bad day a million times better.

  557. I have 3 ferrets…who are presently alive* — and so, at first look, I thought that Juanita was a tad disconcerting to look at…

    And then something in my morbid gleeful brain kicked in, and screamed, “Holy mother of gods, this is so awesome! I didn’t know dead weasels could have such a range of emotions!”

    Especially ‘the motherfucking souffle is ruined!’

    Love it!

    *My oldest son has been so worried about our oldest ferret, Bandito — who is a spry little creature of 9 1/2 years (which is quite elderly for a ferret, I might add) — especially concerning the strong probability of Bandito shaking off this mortal coil quite soon…

    But thanks to you — and the lovely Juanita! — I’m beginning to formulate plans on what we could do to soften the blow, whilst still keeping Bandito’s entertainment value going strong…Perhaps Juanita would like a partner? I’ll let you know….

  558. OH MY GOD I LOVE JUANITA AND HER SNAPPY NEW FROCK! I am rarely enthusiastic, and you and Juanita are nothing short of amazing, so yelling was completely necessary.

  561. I know this is coming in late, and you probably won’t see it, but, in my family Juanita has been spelled “Wananitta”. Just FYI.

    Jim.

  563. I think we all should keep our eyes open for another stuffed weasel for Jenny. She can rent them out for special occasions and thereby become the Lessor of Two Weasels.

  565. You are my new favorite writer and, quite frankly, person. The fact that a Juanita Weasel “motherfucking souffle” apron is available in kid-size just made my day. Maybe my week. You are my hero.

  566. Juanita ROCKS that apron. I shall have to keep an eye out for taxidermied creatures you need to own…

  570. I feel like you and David Sedaris would be fast friends. He’s into taxidermy and odd things and has a similarly hilarious view of the world.

  571. I googled “Otters” and saw the picture of Juanita holding the baby. I didn’t think anything of it; only that it was awesome. Then I checked your blog for shenanigans, saw Juanita with the baby, and now i’m wondering why they are related. Maybe because Otters and Weasels are related, and Juanita has an otter’s baby and is about to eat it?

    Poor Otter. Never saw it coming.

  572. I once owned the domain name, cheapweasel.com but due to spare time that would fit into a thimble, I let it fall back to the URL peddlers. Juanita would have been the perfect spokes model! I love Juanita!

  574. Holy Christ. I’ve gone and wet myself. I am SO buying one of those aprons. Fuck.

  576. So, is it cool if I borrow that picture about the souffle and make it my new Facebook profile picture? With proper credit, and all. Brilliant.

  577. omg… you are so frickin’ awesome with your taxidermied animals. I want to be like you when I grow up 🙂 Course, I’m already grown and I have depression, so I guess I’m on the right track! Now, for the taxidermied pets! Keep up the awesome posts. I don’t think I’d make it through the week if I didn’t have your blog to look forward to 🙂

  579. I was forwarded this by a friend a couple of hours ago as I’m a taxidermist and she thought I’d enjoy it… HOLY SHITBALLS, this is now my new favorite blog! You are now in the ‘funnies’ folder in my iPad and this will be my port-of-call next time I cant sleep due to an unborn baby playing ‘kick the bladder’. Also, I sell my taxidermy at http://www.morbid-curiosities.com... I’m just gonna leave that link there…!

  580. That is weasely the most emotive mustelid I’ve ever seen. Stoatally awesome.

    Also, the dolls are very realistic. Did the taxidermist use some dort of shaved monkey?

  585. I’m surprised this hasn’t spread all over the internet to other sites by now. I’m still checking around to see. Amazing.

  589. I love you so much……there are no words. My 12 y/o daughter is in the middle of an autism-meltdown and Juanita might be single-handedly keeping me from losing my ever-lovin-mind. What’s left of it. Have I mentioned how much I love you?

  590. i needed this today. NEEDED it. thank you for your blog. and, thank you for juanita.

  591. I have work to do and yet here I am…you, me and Juanita and I can’t stop smiling. I love the apron or wait maybe with the reptile. But then I used to have an alligator in MY home. I would have gladly had him stuffed and just given it to you. He would have made a much better dead friend than live one. 🙂

  592. OMG – this was a crappy day until you made it a “Beautiful Day”. I so want a bunch of those aprons for the old ladies at the church dinners to wear, but the Concubine keeps looking at me over the tops of her glasses like she doesn’t think that would be hilariously funny. Don’t make an old lady laugh so hard – we have to change our undergarments, dearie!

  593. I truly think it’s amazing how Ferris Mewler constantly loves to inspect the taxidermy animals you bring in.

    I sort of think I need that weasel. I would make it hold a sign that says, ‘FIND YOUR OWN FUCKING MILK”

  594. I love Juanita photos, especially the holiday photo and the one where she and the alligator are laughing. Keep collecting! It’s like a family within your family.

  595. I am SO going to use the weasel pic to end a day of power point presentations at my next set of veterinary lectures. Forever grateful, Deb

  598. Okay, I need to make a couple of comments, forgive me if I’m repeating what someone else said, but there are almost 600 f-ing comments ahead of me & I couldn’t read every single one.

    FIrst, Juanita’s name just FITS, as long as we agree that it’s what she uses because her real name (Countess Juanita Eloise Odette Stravinsky of the L’ouderviles is too long)
    Second, I’m getting in line behind Stephanie (post #31) to lick the side of your face.
    Third, your marriage to Victor is a testament to the fact that you truly love this man, because he really just DOENS’T GET IT.
    Lastly, want to teach Mr. Clueless a lesson in weasel economics? One word: book. You’ve got to do a book of your creatures (and of course your amazing comments.) Don’t believe me? Look up the book ‘Creepy Ass Dolls’ on Amazon. ‘Nuff said.
    Gotta to check on my souffle!

  599. OMG this is the most hilarious thing you’ve posted in a long time! And any of your regular readers will know that that’s saying a lot!

  604. In that frock, she should sing “The hills are alive with the sound of music…”

  605. I’ve found that my boyfriend doesn’t appreciate Juanita nearly as much as I do, and disagrees with my request for an apron for my birthday. I guess I’ll have to buy it myself.

  606. OMG, this weasel is totally the new internet meme. My co op posted a picture of Juanita earlier this week with the caption “Noooo, I forgot to order my basket!” as a warning to us all. This is serious stuff, man. You have the new “pepper spray cop” on your hands. I suggest cashing in immediately before this goes the way of Surprised Owl, Keyboard Cat, or other short-lived Internet memes. Good stuff.

  607. I wanna see weasel in the gown of blue haired doll. The whole Weasel Wedding thing. Maybe a cotton ball or two to make her look preggers?

  608. I found myself having genuine anxiety that Hamlet von Schnitzel will be feeling forgotten and abandoned now that Juanita is Queen of the Earth. Then I remembered that he is 1) stuffed, and 2) on the cover of your first book, and 3) that I am 54 years old and supposedly a helping professional.

    And now I’m having a little anxiety about myself, my mental state and my professional future.

  609. Oh god. I really want the Juanita-soufflé picture for my kitchen I went looking for it with that caption. Can you make a big poster-sized one? Even just for me? I will pay. Animal shenanigans do it for me every time, who knew it’d be the same with stuffed, dead animals. And I’m serious about the poster!

  616. Love her, love her. Although I actually knew a Juanita growing up & she was one scary bitch. Your Juanita has a certain vulnerability that my homegirl was lacking. She made up for it with a switchblade. Can I borrow the souffle pic for my jewelry page? with appropriate links, etc. I promise if I’m able to make a tiny little headband ( i’m thinkin’ feathers), i’ll pass it on.

  617. I don’t know you well, but I assure you that you are my twin sister of taxidermied soul.

  618. To be perfectly honest I’m with Victor on this one. I don’t really do art, and I don’t really do weasels. I suspect that you are on the brink of discovering a new craze of weaselart. I have to say that I don’t support it and frankly, it should be frowned upon and simply shoved into the Tate Modern. But if you make some money from it I’d like to think that I would be a few quid better off. Deal?

  619. Check out http://theoatmeal.com website . There are posters they sell that show helpful English grammar tips – but are really FUNNY (like snort when you laugh funny). I bought all of them and posted them at work to help educate the writing community at work. Well, not ALL of them, there was one I kept from putting up so that I could keep my job.

  620. Oh my God.
    I think I’ve been stood up by my 4:30 appointment and I’m dead dick tired but I don’t care because if that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have had time to read this and laugh out loud several times. Thank you.

  621. Love the apron and love the pic with the apron. I’ve never really been jealous of those that collect taxidermied animals…until now.

  622. How fortuitous that you should make that wonderful poster of Juanita in her apron a mere week before I experienced the same dismay over the loss of a souffle. And the casserole dish that exploded across my kitchen. I was talking on the phone while trying to cook dinner and turned on the wrong stove eye. Turns out Pyrex really ISN’T safe for the stove top! The first thing I thought of after “Oh Shit!” and “I just mopped this fucking floor!” was Juanita’s lament!

  623. Funny, beyond funny. Have to change the expression, “clothes make the man” to
    “clothes change the perception of the weasel’s mood” … ok it will probably never
    catch on, but at least we will have all laughed out loud.

  627. After a crappy day I came home to find a taxidermied weasel, with frock, in my inbox and laughed till I cried!! Totally forgot how crap my day was after that! Thanks!

    Am buying my fiance the apron. Think it will look smashing on him in the kitchen.

    Might also buy my mum one of the cards, depends on how she is behaving herself though….

  628. So today for some reason, Juanita came up in a conversation (argument) with my husband. Since he had no idea wth I was talking about, I then proceeded to read this post to him. He just blinked at me for a good five minutes. I then started feeling smug because it felt like I had won the debate. He then informed me that even though I don’t own a collection of taxidermied animals I’m still crazy. He then took my laptop away and read it for myself because he couldn’t quite believe it and “OMG there are more people like you. Fine you win. I don’t even…”
    This post made me smile and helped me win an argument. I also forwarded it to my mother, who is having a crappy year or two and it helped perk her day up as well. So thank you from all the crazies out there (at least the ones I know) for helping us all feel not so alone.

  629. Bloggess,

    I’m going through a really tough time right now, and this post made me laugh so hard I nearly wet myself. I’d like to thank you for sharing your humor and making posts like this. It brightened my day immeasurably.

    Thank you

  631. Is it strange that over these last few weeks, I just keep coming back to read this again and again? Well, not “taxidermied weasel diorama” strange, I suppose. Thank you for the high bar for weirdness, and laughs whenever they are needed.

  632. I realize I’m a bit late to this post, but really. So funny that 12 hours later, I tried to explain it to some friends and laughed so hard I cried, resulting in said friends asking if I hit my face on the table. Souffles will never be the same.

  633. Holy shit. I got linked here somehow in a weird internet version of six degrees. And then I laughed so hard I woke my daughter up. And then I laughed so hard that I choked on my spit and my eyes started watering and I went to go put the kid back in bed and I walked into a doorframe with my face and woke the baby up. I’m awesome like that. Apparently not as awesome as you. Thank you for the bloody nose and screaming children.

  634. Dear Blogess Godess.
    I am new to your blog and I am completely in love. Your humour is my humour and tickles me pink.
    I am also a slave to Juanita the Weasel.
    I have printed your photos out and stare at them all day.
    I might be slightly obsessed, bordering on stalkerish – for that I say please don’t worry. I live in a far, far away land and do not have the financial resources to get to you. Become your friend, stay in your spare room and pretend to be you in your clothes.
    Sorry. Must remember – some things are best unsaid outloud….

    Seriously.
    Thank you.
    Thank you.
    Thank you.

    Do not lose your quirk.
    Isabella Durante.

  636. ok, this really has nothing to do with Juanita ( awesome as she is ), I just wanted to point out that ive recently been reading your blog from the most recent posts to the latter ones, so backwards, and you know what? its like one of those mystery shows where they show you the end and then the different parts of the stories are revealed to you as you go, only awesomer. so thanks, because I never really liked those kinds of stories before, but now I kind of do. 🙂

  637. Well I just about peed my pants reading this. I LOVE Juanita. I like to follow my boy around stores with those little cat key chains that kinda look like a mini real cat. He HATES it. I showed him this post. He laughed all the way through, and the proceeded to tell me that he is laughing because this isn’t happening to him but also petrified as there is a chance this could be him too… apparently the terror that resides inside him is the same as the terror he felt when I told him that there’s a video of Justin Beiber rapping…

    Love Elle xo

  638. I was trying to read your blog to my boyfriend and he looked horrified as he said, “And this is your role model??” Then he walked out of the room while I was still reading.

    He just doesn’t understand.

  639. are those Dobby arms/hands behind Juanita on the doll shelf? Where can I get a taxidermied free’d house elf?

  641. Since weaining myself off of my Lamictal, I get these little hypomanic fits of obnoxious laughter leaving me unable to breathe with tears running down my cheeks. I had to stop looking at Juanita Weasel because I value getting oxygen.

  643. Wonderful. I am seeing Juanita doing an operatic duet. With the alligator. In Spanish perhaps. She could be “Queen of the world” Titanic-style. Juanita is saying, “It’s Soilent Green!!!! Ahhhhhhhhhh!” I could go on and on. I won’t.

  645. This has probably already been said, but weasels are mustelids, not rodents. The mustelid family includes weasels, ferrets, badgers, skunks, otters, and many other animals. IF YOU EVER SAY THEY ARE RODENTS AGAIN I WILL RIP YOUR FREAKING HEAD OFF.

    That is all.

  647. I think I love you. I would know for sure but am still hurting from laughing so hard. Had a Victor one time, now deceased, and he had no appreciation of taxidermy art. Threw a bitch fit when I almost bought a white cat, well it was after Labor Day, and a mongoose in the same store.

  648. Holy Crapola! Just what I needed –to bust a gut laughing—love the broken glass threat; this reminds me of the site homemadehilarity!

  650. I still want a Juanita souffle’ image without the mofo in the text because although I am amused by the mofo, my family wouldn’t be… I’ve got it on my desktop with just “souffle is ruined” and it’s lost its panache. .

  652. Someone shared with me this stunning painting of a velociraptor dressed in a Victorian frock…
    http://adamazur.tumblr.com/post/10757029213/victorian-velociraptor-with-violets-acrylic-and
    …and I immediately saw she was a spiritual sister to your dear Juanita in her ruined-souffle-f-bomb mode. Alas, I have no idea where you can get a velociraptor effigy to add to your growing menagerie of weird, but I sincerely hope you find one because I would love to see her have a righteous screaming bitchfest with Juanita. Thanks for all the belly-laughs!

  654. This is beauty! – and I so-o-o-o-o want to see Juanita playing a role that was just made for her: Carrie’s mother. Or Norman Bates’s.

  656. I am here to express sincere gratitude to Juanita for helping my marriage. Any time I think my husband is overreacting, instead of letting my anxiety kick in, I throw up my hands and tell him “the motherfucking soufflé is ruined!!” (For example, today, when I broke the news that we don’t have any tomatoes to put on our burgers. He was genuinely and seriously disappointed.) BUT Juanita the Weasel saves the day! And I get to make fun of him instead of feeling like a failure for not buying tomatoes. 🙂

  657. Hi Jenny, I’ve read your books, one in my book club, and you had me in stitches. Not literally but none the less, quite a giggle fest. I stumbled on your blog as I was trying to figure out where this weasel originated from. I’d like to use Juanita, with your permission and link back to your blog, on my blog. I’m creating a post about spring cleaning and Juanita depicts my mom during spring season. My mom motto was clean everything all the time.

    (As long as you credit me I’m cool with it. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  658. Juanita needs a tiny Viking helmet with horns, and a shield and sword, and one of those metal breastplate thingies.

  659. Pingback: A Taxidermy Christmas? It may have to be just that! - Life While Making Other Plans: A Blog

  661. Jenny! I love you so much! Normally I don’t comment but I don’t like that you used the word transvestite in this blog post. ‘Transvestite’ is falling out of favour as derogatory and transphobic. Instead you could use ‘cross-dresser’ or ‘transgender’ to describe your alligator! 🙂 thanks for reading, if you read!

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