UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.

in Random Crap

This is supposed to be a post about how awesome sharks are but I can’t even do it because OHMYGODYOUGUYSMYBOOKISHERE.  And MY AUDIO BOOK TOO.  Sorry for all the screaming but I just got the final, hardback version that comes out next month and then I screamed a little because this is a decade in the making and also because OHMYGODYOUGUYS it comes out next month.

Sorry.  I’m geeking out in an incredibly embarrassing fashion but I can’t help it and you’ve been with me through this entire process so I want to celebrate with you.

So to celebrate I’m giving away an autographed copy of my book and of the audiobook too.  Just leave a comment and this week one of you will be randomly selected to win this:

Not the cat butt. That's mine.

And in related, panic-inducing news, I’m going on tour.  Much like Bon Jovi.  Or like artifacts from terrible disasters.

Details below! (Graphic courtesy of my amazing friend, Len):

Click on the graphic for details and ticket info. More locations might be coming soon. I'll keep you posted.

Come?  Pretty please?

UPDATED:  WE have a winner!  Leigh-Ellen of Canada, a book is on its way to you.  And a huge thank you for such an amazing show of support.  I so love you guys.

4,717 thoughts on “UDATED! FREAKING. OUT.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. ooh! I want them! and I am sad you aren’t coming to DC. But I AM ALSO VERY EXCITED THAT THIS IS HAPPENING

  7. Congrats! Can’t wait for the book to magically appear on my Nook next month.

  8. OMG! That’s so amazing. An evening of entertainment with The Bloggess! Such a shame I can’t go. But I have bullied my local library into putting a copyof the book on order.

  9. Furiously happy for you! I can’t wait to read your book….and listen to it. I might have to do both at the same time. Is that allowed?

  10. Booktour nowhere near me. Sad panda. I even have a nice large bathroom with a smaller toliet closet off of it to hide in.

  13. I read your interview on Amazon! I think you are fantastic and if I win an autographed copy of your book I already know who I am going to have read it as soon as I am finished. Congratulations, this is big! HUGE! You should be extremely proud of yourself. Great Job!

  15. I can’t wait to read your book! Your blog has helped me laugh through some tough times.

  16. PLEASE come to DC! pleasepleaseplease!! Though I guess I catch the train to NYC…..

  21. Can’t wait to read your book! Congratulations!!!!

    I just hope you post about sharks soon as I am curious – the kind in the ocean or the steam mop?

  22. I love how your book & audio book coordinate with both the material they’re resting on AND your cat’s ass. That’s pretty fucking perfect. Everything looks beautiful, so excited for you! 😀

  25. you should come to boston, too! and bring juanita, she will make an awesome tour mascot…

  27. OMG! So very happy for you…and proud of you too! As an author in waiting I know how much energy and yourself goes into getting the words out onto the paper. Now you just need to come to Ottawa, Canada for a book signing!! I’ll be buying multiple copies for girlfriend gifts since my friends and I are just as crazy as you claim to be…so that must make us all normal, right???

  29. I am so excited for this book!! I’ll come see you in Houston, for sure!!!

  31. Would dearly love for you to come to Florida. Sharks are pretty awesome, and we have them here, so that would kind of be on point for the original them of this post. <3

  35. Jenny, I insist you come to Boston! I’ll help you find a really great bathroom to hang out in!!

  36. Ooooh I want your book so bad and it’s going to be so amazing and I’m so broke right now. Does this give away extend into the EU?

  37. Pittsburgh/the Midwest loves you, too..in an only vaguely creepy way. I promise.

    (YAY BOOK!)

  38. So excited for your book, and I love audiobooks. I’d adore being able to possibly potentially win an autographed copy of anything of yours. Also, if you come to Dallas, I will try my hardest to be there 😀

  41. Susan took the words right out of my mouth. I’d ask you to come to my town, too, but I can’t imagine how hard making the tour nationwide would be on you with your anxiety issues and your probable desire to parent your daughter and not have a major autoimmune flair-up and such. So instead I’ll just say GOOD FOR YOU! I love it when people who deserve to succeed do just that 🙂

  42. I wish you were coming to Detroit! Aside from the fact that it’s like the murder capital of the world or something. 🙂

  43. Really? The cat butt isn’t included? I’m sad. 🙁 LOL

    Congrats on the book. And I can’t wait to get my hands on a copy. 🙂

  45. I really wish I could come, alas, I am across the ocean.

    Thank goodness books make the trip easier and much cheaper! Also? Yay book! Very much excited for you!

  47. Congratulations!!! Add Virginia to your tour – we need some Bloggess love here!

  50. Please come to Philly! We can run up the art museum steps like Rocky and eat cheesesteaks. We should probably do the steps first, THEN the cheesesteaks because I’d really rather not throw up cheesesteak at the top of the steps.

  51. Toronto. You need to come to Toronto. We would totally do a shittonne of furiously happy thing with you in town.

  60. Holy shit – SO excited for you! EGGS. EYE. TED.

    Just, um, some things, um…

    …you have a cat butt? Like, you have an actual cat butt? We need to see more of this.

    And also, you missed off “England” or, to be exact, “Cosmicgirlie’s House” off your tour list. It’s ok I know it was a minor error, but I didn’t want you to miss that off, you know? x

  62. I would drive to NY from Baltimore to see you, but I need a good excuse to be off work on a Tuesday. Any useful tips from a former HR person?

  63. Congrats! Come to Tampa FL and we can hang! Already preordered your book… now I’m just waiting, waiting, waiting. 🙂 Now, if I can only finish my book, you’ll be the inspiration for that. Love!

  64. Jenny if you make it to Dublin Ireland for a signing I will be sure to come and see you.

  66. HUGE CONGRATS! I hope everyone shows up at your book signings with Beyonce on a stick, holding twine ;b

  69. Sweet! You’ll be in San Antonio, which means I can come to the signing! we never get anything good in San Antonio. 😀

  71. HOLY COW OH MY GOD JENNY AAAH. There, now we’ve BOTH geeked out in an embarrassing fashion, so you don’t have to feel so alone.

    I’m about an hour from DC, but will try to take the train up to NYC and see you!! Poor East Coast, only one place to see the awesome Bloggess in person!

    Can’t wait to get your book and its book plate! I pre-ordered just for the book plate; I think that’s the first time I’ve pre-ordered anything! I’m so excited for the audio book as well. Did your producers end up keeping that blooper reel?

  73. Bloggess sweetheart,you are going to be FINE!!!!!! Also: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY Hurray! Your BOOK!!!!!!!!.Cheese& Ballons and more CHEESE (Im Dutch)!!!!YOU WROTE A BOOK.enough with the caps already..NO! BOOK!!!!

  75. hopefully you’ll make an East Coast visit soon! My sister and I are planning to bring you Sangria (not a bribe, we just get thirsty).

    Also, i got a medium sized metal flying pig for my birthday! am thinking of taking pictures (and i named it Jay-z).

    Can’t wait to get your book next month! (already pre-ordered:)

  76. Oh and freaking yay about the book! I keep checking so it’s goodto know it’s nearly here 🙂 congratulations!

  77. Please come to Winnipeg. And if that’s not possible, come to Minneapolis. Or maybe Fargo? How about Grand Forks? Minot? Somewhere in North Dakota? Even South Dakota. Yay for your book!

  79. Congratulations! I’m a new follower on Twitter, but started following you, in part after @wilw and @annewheaton couldn’t stop tweeting about your book! Looking forward to it.

  83. I will trade you a cat butt for an autographed boo- oh wait, you already have one.

  86. I got a surprise media copy yesterday and it made my day. We usually get books that I have no interest in, but I jumped on this on and read nearly the whole thing yesterday in a 5 hr bath. I freaking love it. You are such an inspiration and make me feel better about my crazy life.

  87. Oh my god! I am SO going to buy a copy of this! Probably on my Kinds so that I can have it with me ALL THE TIME.

  88. I cant wait! I double checked and made sure I could get it on my Kindle! Kinda sad you wont be coming to the DC area though! Wooohooo!

  89. I’m glad the cat butt isn’t part of the giveaway, I already have enough of those. I don’t have any of your book though.

  91. OHHH you’re not coming to Italy, I see. :((
    well, good for you…we’re going bankrupt in a few weeks, guess it will not be pleasant.
    ;)))

    Congratulations, must be such a joy!!!
    you have all the rights to freak out today!!!!
    Elisa (Italy)

  92. Now I’m trying to figure out if I can trick my husband into going to Texas for your tour. “Yeah sweetie, we’re just running to the store real fast.” “Why have we been in the car for fourteen hours?”

  93. Oh, I’ve preordered your book but because I am from Spain I don’t have the chance of getting the autographed plate so it would be so soo great to have the autographed book! I promise not to back off from buying the book even if I end up with two copies!
    Ps: I’ll love you anyway if you don’t send it to me 😉

  95. Book looks great, and I’m sure even more so in person. Can’t wait to get a copy! I’d say cant wait to meet you on the tour…but I live in Canada. You don’t want to tour here, it’s cold. Well, actually, not this year. Thanks Global Warming!!

  96. Usually incredibly unlucky in lucky draws but here’s a try! The book looks awesome and I really really really really need one!

    And may I just add that when I looked at the poster, somehow my brain translated it into “I’m coming FOR you”…

  97. Have my copy pre-ordered in the UK… unfortunately tho it is saying that for the actual book (non-kindle or audio) I have to wait until July!

    damn it

  99. OMGBBQWTFLOL I am soooooooooooooooooooo excited for you! This is more than wonderful, it’s like supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!

    PS- I love the cat butt.

    PPS- I wish you were coming to Tampa, FL. 🙁

  102. Come to Boston! We’re right near New York! Is the book very Texas-heavy or is this just a smallish, local-ish tour for your first one?

  103. Oh! I was geeking out too much to remember to add this: I am so proud/impressed that you’re book touring! Though with your anxiety and so much socialization, you might need to be heavily medicated afterwards – or, hell, during. If I don’t see you in the bookstore itself, should I check the bathroom?

  106. Oh, wow, CONGRATS!!!

    Also, since you’re coming to Miami for the mom2mom summit, you or “your people” might want to consider contacting Mitchell Kaplan at Books and Books to arrange a signing there. Jen Lancaster was there recently. They host signings for authors both fledgling and well-established. Just a thought!

  107. i have no suitable response to the possibility of winning your bookie… oops, just widdled on the carpet, too excited….

  108. I preordered the book already, but now I’m thinking I’d get it read much faster in audio form, what with this toddler who keeps me from having time to read (and keeps trying to “help” me type this comment).

    Also, come to DC!

  109. Yay! That’s so awesome! I’m so happy for you. I can’t wait to get my copy! Ya know, if I’d known when I met you years ago that you’d become a published author who’d be collating paper with Wil Wheaton & hanging out with 7 of 9 AND Punky Brewster, I would’ve sucked up to you. Like A LOT!! 🙂

  110. Ok, sharks are awesome, but not as awesome as tigers. Because tigers are sharp and pointy on 5 ends, not just one.

    And I can’t wait to read this. For reals.

  111. I hope they’ve at least booked you into places with classy bathrooms and that serve good booze slushies.

  115. I CANNOT wait! Though I’m very sad TX is getting most of the tour love.

  116. Oh! You’ll be in Houston on my birthday. Sadly, I live in Wisconsin. I’ve preordered the book and anxiously awaiting its arrival.

  118. Can’t wait to read your book! I preordered in December and have been sitting by my mailbox ever since! My coworkers even gifted me a taxidermied rat named Cecelia in your honor… she is wearing a new jaunty spring frock today.

  120. PPS- It’s my 31st birthday today. Is it no coincidence that you are letting us know on MY birthday that you have this awesomely awesome present for ME? I mean, uhhhh, all your loyal fans?

  123. I would LOVE to be at your book tour, but sadly your closest signing is 1500 km away. I think I just outed myself as a Canadian.
    In related news, I read your book excerpt at work the other day and then had to explain to my boss what was so damn funny. I only narrowly avoided having to use “is this your penis” in the explanation, but mostly because I was laughing too hard.

  125. As I am in England I have to wait for months and months for my book to arrive. Hope you come visit us over here some time it’s great (so long as you don’t mind the cold, and the rain, and the people grumbling around on the streets – not really selling this idea am I?).

  127. I’d be freaking out too! Congratulations…I can’t wait to read it! If it’s even a third as funny as your blog I had better invest in some kind of grown up diapers because I WILL be laughing that hard.

  129. Aside from my morning coffee, this is the best thing that’s happened to me today! I can’t wait to see you in NYC!

  132. Congratulations! I hope you add somewhere in Maryland or Virginia so I can come see you! I’d love to get all dorked out and tongue tied!

  133. Come to Alabama. You can stay in my bathroom. I’ll even clean it!!!!! Can’t wait to read or listen to my new copy of your book!!!!!

  135. OHMYGOSH! THAT IS AWESOME! SORRY FOR YELLING BUT I WANNA WIN, AND TO DO THAT I NEED TO DRAW ATTENTION TO MY SEXY SELF! So pick me you awesome lady!

  136. Wowser!

    Reward for all that hard work!

    Good luck.
    I know I will order book soon as its distributed on this side of the pond.

  140. I’m glad it doesn’t include the cat (butt). I don’t think I can add another one to my collection without getting a divorce…

  141. I ditto the come to DC/Virginia on your tour! And I preordered for Nook, so I obviously need a hardcover and audiobook for my husband 🙂 I can’t wait to get my copy!

  142. You’re welcome to come to Champaign, IL on the tour and sign from my bathroom.

  145. Yay for your book coming! I still really love the cover. And I’ve never bought audiobooks before, but since you recorded your own, I may just have to.

  146. hi! you are being stalked all the way from dubai 🙂 i am hoping you will reply to one my my tweets in this lifetime LOL

  147. So sad there are no New England dates on your book tour! 🙁 Wicked excited (as we say here) that you did the audio for the audiobook, though – what was that like?

  148. If you did the reading of the audiobook I have to get a copy of that as well. That way I can ensure coworkers can experience the awesome. I’m doing it for the people, really.

  150. Pleasepleaseplease pick me for the autographed book!!

    Also, come to St. Louis!

  156. Oklahoma City. We have had Bon Jovi and natural disasters. Please complete the trifecta.

  158. That’s so exciting! I’m so happy for you and I can’t wait to read it!

  159. Are the book tours gonna be in the bathroom? Cause I’ll renovate mine to get you to Clearwater.

  160. Congrats on the book release! Can’t even imagine what a high you must be on. 🙂 And thanks for putting Houston (and a lot of Texas) on your tour!

  161. I’ve noted your Austin appearance on my calendar. When you announce the venue, I’ll start coordinating your bathroom bug-out locations. Might stop at REI for one of those portable camping bathroom tents so we have a back up plan.

  163. I know you can’t be everywhere, but I happen to know that you have legions of fans in metro Detroit. I will offer you use of my guest room and will even start scouring stores for a taxidermied animals so you will feel more comfortable.

    Is taxidermied a word?

  166. I love the cover!! So excited to get my copy!! I love exclamation points!!!

  168. Is the cat butt included? Just asking…
    In any case, yay final copies!

  169. Congratulations and enjoy! You can buy as much twine and spatulas and stuffed dead things as you want today!

  170. I can’t get the cat butt out of my head. When my pre-ordered copy arrives, I’m going to pretend it was the book closest to the cat butt. That seems right, somehow.

  171. yay for your new book! it’s all the kids in the street are talking about these days! super congratulations!

  174. You shouldn’t be scared. You know who should be scared? The bookstore people when your fans show up with minimal medication on board. WE’RE SHOPLIFTERS, PEOPLE.

  177. Damn.. only 1 place even remotely close to the East coast.. that makes me sad 🙁 but IAMSOEXCITEDFORYOU!! And if I win.. I will share the love with a few of my craziest friends 😉

  178. I’m on the bandwagon for the cat butt. I mean, it’s right there! You can’t tease us like that!!

  180. I hope your tour makes it to NC…I have at least 5 friends who follow your blog and would love to meet you! xoxo Congrats on your book! How exciting! You deserve it!

  181. So I’m not going to lie… I was all “I DON’T CARE WHERE SHE GOES IN NEW ENGLAND, I WILL BE THERE” and then cried a little bit because you won’t be anywhere in New England.

    You should come though… I’ll bake you cookies and we can have board game night at my house!

  182. Amazing!! I can’t wait to read it. If you don’t add a Southern state ( Alabama, Mississippi, Tennessee, Georgia) to your tour I may have to plan a road trip!

  183. I can’t wait to read it! Congrats on your book and your awesomeness in general!

  184. I will TOTALLY be there with bells on when you come to NYC! Can’t wait!

  185. So great. I love this world where a deranged lunatic gets to write a book and WE ALL GET TO READ IT! Congratulations, I’m awestruck.

  187. Fantastic!! Congratulations!! Cant wait to get the book!!
    COME TO BOSTON!!

  188. I see no city within a 12 hour drive from me, so um yeah, I need the signed copy. Can’t wait to read it, I was dying over the excerpt 🙂

  189. What?! TWO Texas dates and not ONE Boston date?

    We’re WAY more fucked up here in Boston. What with our ‘4 seasons’ and ‘accents’ and ‘sports teams that win things’ – we’d really appreciate a date more than San Antonio. Seriously, San Antonio sounds like the character in a romance novel. I suggest you switch.

  190. My daughter was looking over my shoulder as I was reading this post, and she thought the drawing was of me. I told her, “That’s not me.” She said, “Oh, it must be the evilest of mommies, then.” She is 4 and very random.

  191. Congratulations! I love it when people who spread laughter do well. Laughter AND happiness for you. Enjoy your book tour.

  193. So…. not coming to Canada then?
    well… *sniff* thats ok, no really i’m fine. I understand.

    Super news about the book. looking forward to getting my hands on it

  194. Congratulations! I’ll sit this one out, holding out for the cat butt contest. Also, St. Louis would like to see you too.

  195. I would LOVE to win your book! I can’t wait to read it. I’m sad I don’t live anywhere near and of your tour locations. I hate to miss out on basking in the glow of your awesomeness. Best of luck!

  196. Woo! Hoo! Huge congratulations. Cannot wait to read the book. But even better news you are coming on tour. That is awesome. I’ll wait for more details.

  197. Whee! I cannot wait to get my hands on that book! And to get one free would be awesome. I hope Denver gets added to your list of appearances!

  199. This is epic! Congrats on all your hard work. You deserve all this happiness & so much more. I can’t wait to read it!

  202. AWESOME!!! Congrats!!1 (Now for the selfish begging) PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE add some dates and come to the Midwest – especially Wisconsin but if it’s anywhere close we’ll drive and be there! (The we’ll are me and my awesome coworkers who adore you!)

  203. If I win the copy I just might shit giant metal chickens. And that wouldn’t be taking a duece, it would be taking a duyonce.

  204. Oh, of course. You’re going everywhere, but not to Cologne. Just because it’s in another country. On a different continent. And your book hasn’t been published here yet, so we could not even preorder and get a bookplate. You probably wouldn’t even ship the book here if I won.

    (I love guilt trips…)

  207. Canada is lovely this time of year (well, except where I am, it’s -10C and snowy right now), you should come!!

    I could look this up but I’m lazy. Is there/will there be an e-book version?

  208. I am quite certain that taxidermied animals dressed up in costumes await you in the mile high city of Denver, if you could include us on the book tour. Along with transplanted Texans (NOT taxidermied). Basically, Denver is like home, with less bugs and better hair 🙂

  209. You have to add Memphis to your tour. I want your autograph in permanent marker on my left butt cheek.

  213. Ack!! So exciting!! I can’t wait to read/listen to this. One thing though: PLEASE COME TO BOSTON!!!!

  215. You bring joy to me every time I read your posts. I have shared you with my many students at the J Cafe in the Reynolds Journalism Institute in Columbia Missouri. I wish you were coming here….but it looks like you are going to huge cities. Be safe and congratulations.

    C thomas.

  216. That is SO AWESOME to see a dream through. You deserve the success. I look forward to seeing you when you come to Baltimore / DC. I’ll be the one wearing the metal chicken.

    There are so many more deserving people of an autographed copy, so I am not going to leave a comment and decrease their odds.

    WG

  217. I really wish I could see the tour – seriously you should go international and come to the UK.It’s like a colder, smaller, damper, armadilloless, not very Texan version of Texas with a little old blinged out German lady running the show. Bring a woolly jumper and I’ll bring the tea (obviously by tea I mean hard liquor).

    But if the temptation of visiting a country whose national plant is dry rot fungus can’t persuade you to hop on a plane, then at least make sure your tour organisers dress the stage like a nice friendly bathroom so you can hide from *and* perform to your fans.

  219. Love it! But pretty please add Maine? No? Too out of the way? How about Boston then? I am there much of the time at Childrens Hospital with my youngest so I could just tell the nurses, “Hey, look, you watch her for a while, The Bloggess is coming and it’s all about priorities!” Then I would return to CPS and interviews with social workers but it would all be worth it because I would have gotten to meet “One of the weirdest people I know”. That is a quote that my oldest once said to her uncle (in the most adoring way so that is how you need to picture me saying it). Believe me, it is a HUGE compliment in my family! So yeah, in case by now you’ve forgotten my original point, come to Maine….or Boston!

  220. Joshua wants you to come to Kansas, and I know he has only the best of intentions, but please don’t come to Kansas because I’m not sure it will ever completely wash off and you don’t deserve state-based permastains. I tell you this because I am your friend.

    Congrats on the book! I’d love to win one, but if I don’t, I’m buyin’ that baby.

  221. You’re going to be awesome on tour! You’re an inspiration to all of us that don’t exactly fit in – when I grow-up I want to be like you! For now I guess I’ll have to settle for cutting you and putting you on a stick. Hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

  222. I have a feeling that I will be scheduling an “important business meeting” in one of these cities since you can’t make it to Florida.

  223. Congrats!! Sometimes I find it slightly worrying how excited I am about this book. You know, in a non-creepy.
    Is the giveaway open for those of us on the other side of the Atlantic?

  224. Read the excerpt yesterday (which by the way I should not have done in my office). Howled with laughter. This book is a must have! Congrats!

  225. Congrats!!
    Consider swinging up to Michigan on your next book tour.
    I’d love a win a copy — I preordered a copy for my girlfriend, but she’s a slow reader (and in a different state!) so, I’d love to get my hands on a copy of my own.

  227. Do I win the fuzzy cat tail too? ‘Cause I gotta tell ya, I don’t know where I would put another one of those things. 😉
    p.s. congrats on the book! 🙂

  229. I’m kinda geeking out right not. Popsicle puppets and a book commercial for the book that is coming out next month that your giving away a copy of. This day is awesome.

  231. OH MAN! I really want to win an autographed copy. I’m sad that all the bookplates are sold out so I can’t get one of those, and we surely can’t make your arthritis worse by making you sign another 10,000.

    You should make a tour up to the UP of MI so you can make fun of our hickness. I’m sure it would be endlessly entertaining.

  233. I just want a picture of you holding the book with a note on it that says, “Sorry, Steve, no free book for you – get off your juicy butt and buy one!”

  234. Can’t wait to read it! Can’t wait to drive 3 hours into NYC to meet you! So excited!

  235. So excited to get your book, I preordered it a while ago (and stupidly ordered a CD from Amazon at the same time, and they’re both being shipping together, so I’ve had to wait two months for the CD. OH WELL).
    The closest place you’re coming on tour to where I live is New York… and that’s over a five hour drive for me. 🙁 Booo. I hope you add more locations, such as maybe D.C? -hinthint-

  236. How does your cat know you every time you take out the camera? I’m really baffled by it.

    Also, I think you have a typo. You spelled Washington DC wrong in the list of cities on your tour.

  239. Looks like I’ll be planning my Spring vacation around your tour schedule…..TOTALLY ok with that!!!!!!!!!!

  240. I’m sooooo excited and happy for you!!! I bought the iBooks version and then promptly forgot so that when I checked Amazon a few weeks later to get the bookplate I didn’t see my order. So naturally, I then preordered a the actual book. Of course, I want the audio edition now as well.

    Oh, and if you make a swing thru Nashville, all of my friends and I would definitely come see ya! Would you mind if I joined you in the bathroom?? I’m a guy so that might make it creepy though I really hope not. 🙂

  241. Whew! I thought for sure you were going to send me a cat butt. Then, hell. I’d have to drive all the damn way to UPS or the freaking post office. It would just be a huge ordeal. Glad you are keeping it.

    In other news, yipee, congrats, and ohmydeargawd this is SO exciting!!!

    Oops, almost forgot to say, this is the witch Julie, not any of the others.
    Now, please come to Oregon on your tour. I know of, personally, three of us who’d show up. With cupcakes. Or booze. Or both.

  242. Woot! Congrats! I always geek out when I get mail with my ne in it. I can’t imagine if there was a book with my name on it!

  244. Cannot WAIT to sit in the car and listen to the audio version. I’ll drive around for no reason. I’m not ashamed.

  246. I just showed my ferrets your blog, and now they demand I dress them as a vampire slaying souffle chefs. Thank you for being you.

  247. What no denmark date? Come by and i will gladly give you the grand tour.

    Congratz on the book, looking forward to reading and
    /or listening to it.

  248. Just be careful about doing “Freebird” as part of your encore. The audience might not get it. Are there songs about cat-butt? You should sing that on the tour instead.

  250. Sadness…you’re coming to NY for my birthday and I can’t make it 🙁

  251. Also, if you do come to London, you can totally stay with me. I have three cats so it will be like you never left home. And my partner and I love to feed people so you won’t starve.

  252. So happy for you. Too early to be clever. Why is typing so hard? Want signed book because you get me through mzmb

    Sorry fell asleep there. I wish I could blame it on something more fun than a restless 2-year old. Ah well. : : sigh: : You are awesome. That is all.

  253. I love that you’re coming to San Angelo! I might actually be able to pull that one off!

  261. Every time I see anything about your book I write a note to preorder it. And then I lose that note. So I guess I’ll have to write a new one!

  262. So excited for you! Looking forward to seeing you in Austin so I can be star-struck in person!

  264. Congratulations!!! I have to say, for a second there “Click on graphic for details and ticket info” gave me a double-take because my caffeineless brain read that as “Click for graphic details…”. Come to the mid-west!!

  265. You need to change that from Jenny the Bloggess to Jenny the BADASS AUTHOR!

  268. Congrats! I can’t wait to read your book! Or listen to it – I haven’t decided yet. Or maybe I’ll just do both. XD

  271. My brain doesn’t condone reading but the voices in my head told me that I should read this book. I always listen to the voices in my head. Congrats and good luck. Also Jersey isn’t on the tour list. Why? Oh…yeah…don’t answer that.

  273. Congratulations, Jenny…we’re all freaking out a little bit for you, too! I’m looking forward to reading the book and it would be a total bonus to win your giveaway (even if the cat butt isn’t included).

  275. Congratulations! Come to Charlotte! I promise to take you out and show you a good time…or at least show you where the nearest/nicest bathroom is so you can have your panic attack in peace! 😉

  276. I’d leave a comment in the hope of winning a book, but I intend to buy one once they come out.

    … wait. >.<

  279. This is the beez kneez! I’m so excited and happy for you!! Also, feel free to breeze by DC…. 🙂

  281. Congratulations! So sad you won’t be visiting close to me…But I’ll be reading the book. Good luck and have fun!

  284. I don’t know if I’m more excited about the book or getting to come and meet Jenny in person at Bookpeople. Can’t wait for either!

  285. God, you kill me! I love reading the blog…and glad there are so many of us weirdos out there to keep the normals at Defcon 4.

  289. Knoxville isn’t on your book tour list? Really? You’re going to miss the Sunsphere…

    Seriously, I can’t wait for my book and book plate 🙂 Congrats!

  293. I was introduced to your blog with Beyonce. I go back and read old posts when i have time and even got an RSS reader just to stay up to date on your blog. So excited for you!

  296. Wow – the screaming woke me up here in Canada! Such exciting news – can’t wait to read the book (and then use the hardback version to kill spiders – y’know, because your words are like spider kryptonite).

  300. Really? No maryland? Shucks. Man. I literally said shucks and meant it. I’ve been living in MD too long (I’m originally from NYC)

  301. PicK me pick me! I was going to treat myself to your books since it comes out just before my birthday, but a free copy would be far more awesome.

  304. Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!!!

    I can’t wait to get your book. I think I have to wait slightly longer because im in the UK. But I can’t wait!!!!!!!!

  307. I like audiobooks! (Wow… despite the exclamation point, that came out in my head like Monty Python’s “I Like Traffic Lights” song… awkward.)

  309. Have you thought about asking your publisher to rent you a Port-a-John to sit in to sign books? That way, whenever you freak out, you can just close the for a few minutes.

    Maybe the door could have “Bloggess TARDIS, Back now in five” or something

    I am proud for you, you’re amazing, and brave, and brilliant 🙂

  310. I’m highly disappointed that you’re not coming to Chicago. 🙁 I’m excited about your book, though! Congrats!

  311. While I was reading your post I said, “If she comes to San Angelo, I will go.” So, see you on the 28th!

  313. what, no Australia? WHAT KIND OF A ROCK STAR DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!? oh, um, yes, you’re a writer … *blushes* … so, book, pretty exciting huh? good luck with that … xt

  317. Congrats!!!! You get your very own Dewey decimal code. Please come to Alberta Canada! I anxiously await iTunes to get my audiobook and Amazon for my printed copy…we are so excited for you!

  318. Ahhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!! Come to KY! We will put you on a horse and parade you around to the hillbillies. It could spur on fodder for a sequel! And we will feed you hotbrown and bourbon. It would be the time of your life. I could even take you to my grandmother’s attic and find all kinds of dead rodents and bats for you to have taxidermied (is that a word?) Either way, you must come to KY on your tour! Oh- and I’d love to win the book!!!

  321. Congratulations! I can imagine having the book in your hand feels both awesome and terrifying. Try to focus on the awesome and tell the terrifying to go stuff itself.

  322. Your tour will surely bring you to Spain, won’t it? We’ve got lots of weird taxidermied things, I promise.

  323. YAY! Congrats! sooo happy and excited for you! Already preordered to my Kindle but this would be GREAT for sharing with friends!

  325. I’m squeaking with excitement. I’ll be in Dallas (actually it’s way north of Dallas) and totally ready to sneak wine into the ladies room and hang out with you.

  326. Not coming to Philadelphia – boo, hiss! We’ll just have to wait for book #2… 😉

  328. Pick me! Pick me!!! I wanna read the 140+ character version of your life thus far 😉

  330. Please come to Atlanta! I’ll finaly replace the broken blender, make you a mean booze slushie and watch, “Shaun, of the Dead”, with TWINE.

  334. Can I talk you into coming to Wisconsin? It’s really nice here, we have beer and cheese!

  336. Please come to Philadelphia. I will treat you to a cheese steak and we can debate people over cheese whiz or real cheese. Then we can buy a pretzel off of a street vendor who has no access to public restrooms. Doesn’t this all sound so appealing. Please come to the Philadelphia area.

  337. Pick me! Pick me! I would love an autographed copy of your book, Oh Amazing Bloggess! Congratulations! (all the way from Canada!)

  339. Jenny-
    Please come to Arizona…..preferably the Phoenix Metro area.
    Congrats!!!!!

    Beth

  341. Congrats! I can’t wait to pick up the book….although I’m stunned that you won’t be visiting my neck of the woods. What kind of book tour doesn’t include the teeming metropolis of Fredericton, New Brunswick, Canada? 🙂

  343. Congratulations!

    I apologize in advance if I win the book and still won’t loan out the book I pre-ordered because everyone needs to have their own to keep. And the audio book, too. Condolences to those who have the Kindle version without the cover mouse. Why would there be no cover mouse in the Kindle version? If my memory were better I would certainly worry about that a bit.

    Happy Trails!

    If you cloned yourself so you did not have to continue your tour when you get tired of it, your clone would probably be the one not to tour. And then the second clone would keep that clone company in your real life. So just put that out of your mind.

  346. I want that signed copy more than a fat girl wants cake. And I’m a fat girl…so, um, I should know.

  348. How exciting!!! Can’t wait to receive my copy next month! I’ve actually got a ticker counting down the days!!!

  349. I want one!!! If I don’t win… What about giving one to all the people who support your slushy habbit? Because… I want one!!!

  350. I preordered, of course, but would love the audiobook (and a signed copy of the book-insert squeal-y excitement here).Snarky wisdom could get me through a treadmill workout and life in general.

  352. Congratulations on the book!! It’s amazing! Wish you would have a few Louisiana tour dates as we are just right next door ! Maybe next time! Maybe I can talk my friends into going to the Dallas one! Best of luck to you!!

  353. Oh me, please. There just too many things I’d like to forget have happened right now !

    And you are my hero. That.

    XOXOX
    Mel

  354. I’m hoping that a copy of your book comes to Kobo. I will happily pay for your physical book that I can’t put anywhere (because I haven’t the space) but I like ebooks more now.

    Congratulations!

  355. I am looking forward to reading your book, since your blog makes me laugh til I cry. Sometimes it even makes me think. I’ll read it even though your tour isn’t coming to where I live.

  357. You really should come to the Midwest… We are pretty awesome here… And also, maybe I have missed it, but why are you always wearing the same dress in all your pictures? It’s super cute… But still wondering.

  362. Did you know ‘quincunx’ is a word? And it isn’t even dirty or anything.

  365. come to Nashville!!! That way my boyfriend will no longer have to listen to me saying how much I want to meet you…. and will instead have to listen to me gush about how awesome you are (not that he doesn’t have to do that anyway…) Can’t wait to read the book!

  367. Congratulations 🙂
    If your ever visiting the UK let me know. Would love to see you. And can’t wait to get my hands on a copy of your book 🙂

  371. w00t!! Congrats!!!! Kudos!!!!

    Nothing like getting your actual book copies to hammer the knowledge home. It NEVER gets old.

    Cheers!

  372. Come to Louisville! We have bourbon and mint julips! And the damn Derby! Horses, alcohol, big hats, and southern belles – need I say more?

  373. Huge congratulations! 🙂

    However. Two “buts”…

    But I thought the exciting news was “they” are already planning to make a movie of your book.

    But, there’s no Ohio date(s) on your tour!

    Still. This is awesomeness! 🙂

  378. I genuinely thought that little speech bubble by your (drawn) face said “I’m coming for you.” Which, let’s be honest, is true.

    Wish you were coming anywhere near DC that wasn’t New York because New York smells. Even though I threw up on the street there once, so I’m a real New Yorker now.

  381. I already pre-ordered my copy, but I still want to win the free book so I can give it to my besty.
    I’m bummed you aren’t coming anywhere closer to Southern Oregon b/c we have very nice bathrooms to hide & have panic attacks in. (Trust me, I know.)

  382. Yay for final copies of the book! I’m excited to read it & almost can’t stand to wait until my ebook preorder downloads. 🙂

  385. You need to come to Boston! I will help you Pahk your Cah in Havahd Yahd, give you idears and we can eat LOBSTAH!

  386. This is SO exciting!! I can’t wait and after I sent my Mom a link to the awesome things you wrote about your mom, (it put into words what I think about my mom, so I sent her the link and told her ditto, so thanks! ((the one about how she thinks she is a background character, but is actually a star)))- My Mom is now jazzed to read the book too- I even taught her how to read a blog on the internet (baby steps)

  388. I’ve already preordered the book from Amazon, but I wouldn’t say no to a second copy. And yay! Audiobook! I’ve been listening to a lot of them lately. ‘Cause it’s hard to knit and read at the same time.

  389. Ahhhh!! I love the fluffy kitty butt!! I’ve been following your blog for a while but I never commented… I admit I really would like to win a book… even sans cat fluff, eh hehe. You’re an inspiration to me, since I’m struggling with depression and anxiety as well. Mine is not as severe as yours, so you give me a lot of hope that it’s possible to escape. Thank you 🙂

  390. Congratulations! Now, could you please, pretty please, take a turn in Europe as well? We would be eternally grateful.

  391. Whoo-hoo!! Can’t wait until this comes out – is this open to non U.S. residents? I moved to London recently…*hopeful lower-lip face*

  392. I think you should visit Intercourse PA. I don’t live there or anything but that would be worth the trip. Just think of how many people you would see in the middle of Intercourse.

  394. I can’t wait for you to come to Houston! I’ve been planning to stalk you but you know how busy life gets so I hadn’t gotten around to it yet but now you’re coming here! I’m apparently the laziest stalker ever. I can’t wait! Please don’t get a bodyguard. I’m just geeking out myself! I’m so excited!

  396. Can’t wait to read this book! I love your site….keep making us all smile. Wish you were coming to Philly 🙁

  397. Congratulations! You probably definitely want to come to Springfield, MO. I mean, who doesn’t want to visit the world famous… Yeah, you’re right. We got nothin’. Just the original Bass Pro Shop. Dammit.

  400. Bummer! I’m visiting my family in Cali (from Amsterdam where I live) April 6-15. I SOOO would’ve gone to see you! Good Luck on your tour!

    Lori

  401. Congradulations on the book!!!!!!!!!!! I think you are so awesome.

  402. I would LOVE to win your book! I need my daily laughs! I want to come see you in NYC, I live here – awesome you are coming here on your tour!

  403. Congrats!! So happy for you! And lets be honest, for us too since we get to read it now! I hope all the bookstores on your tour have big enough bathrooms for you to hold court in 😉

  405. Sweet jesus I want that book. I would also like you to come to Michigan. I’ll get you drunk if you do!

  406. Who cares about shark anyway when there’s a new book on the horizon?! Congratulations. You are living the dream for someone like me. Would be an honor to win 🙂 Hope to see you in NYC for your tour!
    -Maiah

  408. Congratulations! Try to enjoy between the freakouts! Can’t wait for my copy to get here!

  410. Congratulations!! I’m so very happy for you! Please (pretty pretty please) consider swinging by DC or Baltimore! We’d love to have you.

  414. I would totally be freaking out too!!! If you come to Tulsa or a little Rock, I will soooooooo be there!!! I can only dream about you coming to Bentonville. Why would you come to Bentonville? Even I don’t particularly love Bentonville, but we do have this awesome, world-class American art museum!!! 😀

  416. I’ve ordered the book, but I’d love to have another one. You can never have too much bloggess!

  419. Furiously happy!! Can’t wait to read the book. See you in San Francisco!!

  420. Come to New Orleans! You must do lunch and dinner and breakfast here! I will be purchasing your book ASAP, assuming I don’t win a copy,

  421. Wish you were coming to Norfolk — or at least Charlotte or D. C.! Congratulations!!!

  424. I can’t wait for your book to come out. Should I get both the Hardback and the Kindle version?…hmmm.

  428. Congrats! I couldn’t help but notice that your book tour doesn’t extend to The Ass End of Nowhere, which is where I reside, though I would love to join you. You’re welcome at my house – we have a spare room, and a nice big yard for your taxidermied animals to do their business.

  429. There is an empty space on my bookshelf in between the dog-earred copy of the Kama Sutra and The Complete Works of William Shakespeare that needs a little classing up– it’s been reserved just for you, Lady! Also? I promise NOT to do the following with your signature if I won an autographed copy: send love letters to Rush Limbaugh, write checks for $.11, send myself love letters at work to make myself seem mysterious and popular. (Ok, maybe that last one, but only once or twice a week, I swear!)

  430. You should come to Alabama. We’re, like, experts in the ways of kitschy metal chickens and inappropriate dead things. Technically, Alabama and Texas are like cousins. That made out one summer. And then never spoke of it again. There’s no way you cant come now, right?

  431. Come closer to meeeeee!!! You are nowhere near Virginia in those other places! *pout* And also please mysterious world forces, grant unto me free Bloggess loot. That is all.

  433. SO wish you were coming somewhere closer to NC. Hope they set up some more dates!

    Congrats and good luck! Hopefully your hotel rooms will have amazing bathrooms, JIC.

    T

  434. Jenny, congratulations on your awesome achievement of writing AND finishing a book AND getting it published AND being brave enough to go on tour. Looking forward to receiving my copy – seems like I pre-ordered it a decade ago.

  437. Can’t wait to get the audio book! Wish you were coming to New England!

  438. I can’t wait to read your book! And also, I think that you should come to Grand Rapids, Michigan. I’d totally come to see you!

  439. Great…great…great….I cannot wait to read it! Wish you were coming to Ohio, though I can understand why you don’t want to come here. No one wants to come to Ohio voluntarily.
    .

  441. I’m totally impressed with the fact that you did your own reading. Listening to it might make up for the fact that your tour isn’t coming anywhere near my big-small town. 😉

  446. OMG YOU ROCK YOU JUST ROCK SO MUCH I CAN’T STAND IT! Whew, needed to get that out. Super sad none of your tour dates is in Wes’BYGAWD Virginny, but I can’t really say I blame ya for trying to stay far, far away!

  447. I was going to beg you to come to Atlanta, but given the amount of flying you’re doing, you probably have at least six layovers in Atlanta anyway.

    The three-hour layover in Atlanta when flying from San Antonio to Houston is especially obnoxious.

  449. I am in Iowa and there is no way anyone as cool as you has ever entered our state so I will have to settle for winning a signed copy of your book!

  450. Also, I want to get the audio book, but I’m worried that if there’s lots of pics in the book I’ll be missing out on something?

  451. you will have to come to chicago + there is a store in the andersonville neighborhood that is selling a squirrel with a little russian hat on it!!

  453. Um, it’s totally okay that you are freaking out! I mean, come on!! I totes want the autographed copy pretty please! Then I can show it off to all my friends who don’t believe me when I tell stories from your blog. Lol And I will totally be there when you come to Houston! So excited, eeeek!

  456. So incredibly thrilled for you!! You should totally include Northwest Arkansas in the tour. We are, after all, the giant metal chicken capital of the world. Congratulations!!

  457. Congratulations! Have fun on your tour and be prepared to be overwhelmed by the love you will get.

    Graylin

  459. Yay! So exciting for you (and us!). My sister ordered your book for me because I introduced her to your awesomeness (I mean, that’s the only way she could pay me back, right?)

  461. Come to St. louis? Pretty please? I’ll bring you pancakes…..With maple whiskey….

  462. oh gosh i would love to win this! and even if i dont i’m totally buying it… so maybe you dont really want me to win this because then i wont buy it but either way i am going to read this book!

  463. I think I’ll start story time at work just because of our book. I’m sure story time is in the Navy regulations somewhere.

  465. Come visit Philadelphia! You would love South Philly. It’s full of wondrous sights and experiences…

  467. Congrats! I really hope I win so that when I’m done with it I can donate it to my library to share with others. How exciting!

  470. Congratulations and good luck in the coming months! I can’t wait to read your book. From your excerpt, I can see it is just as hilarious as your blog posts.

  471. Seeing all your fans from around the country (and from other countries) begging you to come their cities makes me love it even more that you are a fellow Texan. You represent our state as well as any celebrity ever has — including Gary Busey. Thank you for that.

    Because we Texans always need more reasons to be smug.

  474. I already pre-ordered the book (and book plate!), but I’ve been thinking about also buying the audio book, because I JUST KNOW that the whole thing will be THAT MUCH BETTER with you reading it. Which is to say, audio book, pretty please?

  475. So exciting, Jenny!! I bought your book for a friend for her birthday, got a nameplate too! I can’t wait for the audiobook to hear you in your own voice. If you’re considering adding a stop on your tour, Minneapolis is lovely in the summer! (begging politely)

  476. I see a severe lack of Iowa in your book tour dates….. not that you would WANT to come to Iowa cause, well, it’s Iowa. 🙂

    Congrats! I can’t wait to read it! 🙂

  477. So I’m all the way down here in Melbourne, Australia (think penguins, but with coffee, and then bush fires (which is not very antarctica at all)) and not only do we not get your book for perhaps like years, BUT then when we do, we have this bloody annoying protectionist rubbish that means they add TRILLIONS of dollars to the price to “protect Australian book publishers”. I say rubbish! LET’S START A REVOLUTION ON AN INCREDIBLY SMALL AND INEFFECTUAL WAY! If I got your book, it would become a bastion of a new enlightenment here; like Luther nailing the protest to the church doors, but less memorable because the good book would be telling us to pretend it never happened.

  478. Freak out, who wouldn’t over a book being published?

    How many are insisting on wanting the cat butt?

  480. Wah! I would love to come to your book tour. But I live in BF Vermont and oddly enough, nobody ever considers the piddling population here to be worthy of a book tour stop. Boooo.

    Come on up to Vermont! We’ve got syrup! And….uh….leaves!

  481. You are coming to Austin!!!!!!!!!! Woot! I wonder what kind of cool gifties your fans will bring you at signings?

  482. pleeease come a little closer to New England! I would love to meet you, like crazy stalker amounts (but not creepy, promise).

  483. Love, love, love that your cat had to make sure he/she was also in the picture…gotta love the little buggers!! Congrats on a big day, and good luck with the book tour!! Can’t wait to read it!!

  484. I totally can’t wait for your book to come out! I’ve pre-ordered but would love an autographed copy for my best friend who got me hooked on you! (In a very non creepy stalkerish kind of way!)I Also you should come to Knoxville on your book tour because, well it would just be cool!

  485. I cannot wait to read this book. It’s going to be pure awesomeness. Also, I wish you were doing a book signing near me because I would totally be there.

  486. If I was pregnant, this news totally would have sent me into labor. Since I am not pregnant, it gave me back spasms! I am so excited for you! And since I pre-ordered YEARS AGO, I can’t freaking wait! Seeing my beloved Matthew Broderick with a copy kind of made me stabby, I have to admit.

    PS – come to Nashville! You know they just opened an American Pickers there, we can go find weird shit together. Juanita and Beyonce need another girl around, no? I’m thinking a taxidermied Destiny’s Child…

  487. So exciting! I just wish you were coming nearer. Somewhere in the Illinois, Ohio, Kentucky, Michigan region, for example.

  488. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

    (sorry to shout back at you – but holyshitimexcitedaboutyourbook)

    (also, please come to the midwest – we need you)

  490. Please come to Philly, Jennie. I’ll introduce you to the best cheesesteaks we have to offer.

  491. Congratulations!! Can’t wait to read the book, but wish you were coming to Boston!!

  492. Congratulations! I only wish I was close by one of your signings, as I am a fan and not a weirdo.

  493. OMG, here I am whoring after your book by leaving a comment, when I should just be getting it on amazon.com if I really want it (which I do). So, I guess I will.

    Let’s just pretend this never happened.

    jt

    p.s. actually I’m whoring after your autograph, which I can’t get on amazon.com.
    p.p.s. congratulations!

  494. I am so excited for this book. I promise that if I get a signed copy I won’t try to extract the DNA from your hand sweat and use an elaborate “getting things done” 80’s movie style montage in order to build my own Jenny.

    Maybe.

    -Zabet

  496. In case no one has mentioned it, Boston is a fantastic quirky little city that I think needs to experience you.

  497. And now I feel like an ass because I realized I misspelled your name right when I hit submit. Sorry, Jenny.

  498. I am so excited to be meeting you! I’ll be a the Blue Willow signing in Houston. I might even try to scare up a red dress. I’ve already passed the one I wore in my photo shoot on to the next person. This will be so awesome!!!!

  499. If you were coming closer to Florida, I would come visit you, but you are going to be pretty far away. So, I will settle for you choosing me to win a autographed copy of your book. Then we can pretend I drove multiple hours in my car with a 17 month old, to stand in an incredibly long line for an autographed copy of your book. See, allowing me to win would be so much easier.

  500. OMGYOUGUYS I really want that book!!! I have to wait another month before my is delivered! Agh! Love you Jenny!!

  503. Congratulations!! How exciting!! 😀 Wish I was closer to one of the cities – would love to see you in person.

  505. I think we are all excited to get your book. I’m sure you are over the moon. Congratulations!! Please pick me. 🙂

    Also? Please come to Maine.

  506. While I recognize that I live in the ass-end of nowhere, I’d LOVE it if you came to Lafayette, Indiana. You could howl at the moon with the wolves here. (I’m serious). You could…um, I’m out. That’s about the only interesting thing we do here, unless you’re into small-time college football or chain restaurants. (I’ll also point out that the howling at the moon thing was all my mother could focus on when we told her we were moving here and supported her fear that midwesterners eat their young. Even though wolves don’t, as far as I understand it. I’m really not a wolfologist, even though I live in such close proximity to groups of people who regularly go howl with them. In any case, I’m not sure that Mom’s fear was entirely rational.)

    Looking back over what I’ve written so far, I don’t think I’ve done a great job of selling you on a stop in Lafayette. But anywhere in the midwest that’s within a 4-5 hour drive would be awesome. And I speed, so that opens the radius somewhat.

  507. Congratulations! Thanks for the give away, but I REALLY wanted the cat butt to be included, too. 🙁 I suppose I could settle for just the book/audiobook.

  510. Congratulations! What are you going to do on your tour? I’m picturing a David Sedaris style reading, but only for small groups in bookstore bathrooms… It sounds amazing. Bathroom acoustics are incredible.

  511. So awesome! I’m really happy for you. I already pre-ordered, but if I win this I can give my pre-order copy to an unsuspecting family member, thus expanding your empire. Fan base. Minions. Whatever.

  512. I love you, I will love your book. Can we throw a little East Coast on the tour? Do I hear some Philly? Baltimore? DC? Throw me a well-dressed taxidermied bone here. Gracias.

  515. So very wonderful!!!!! I wish you were coming out to the East coast area, but I will be with you in spirit. But not in that creepy psycho spirit way. I can’t wait to read your book!

  517. OMG, please come to Orlando!!!! Or anywhere in Florida, really. Except the Panhandle. That’s not real Florida. Or go to Chicago because then I can fly home to visit family and friends and see you at the same time. Win Win.
    Lastly, Congrats on your book! I just ordered it earlier this week. Now you have me intrigued with your audio book, though…..

  519. Ohmygod;ooooohmygod;ohmygod!!!! I can’t WAIT to reach this…. I love the freaking out mode…. That’s my normal mode in life.

  524. PLEASE come to Washington, DC. If you do, I will be there with BELLS ON. Literally, I will wear bells. And then every time I laugh, I will tinkle too. It will be AWESOME.

  525. I, of course, want your magnificent book AND audiobook but the second my cat saw your cat butt…well…let’s just say she’s a brazen hussy.

  527. That is so.freaking.awesome!! You deserve much success and if the whole book is as amazingly hilarious as the excerpt shared about HR then this will be funniest, most awesome book ever!! CONGRATS!

  528. Congratulations! Good luck with the tour. If I was still in Texas and not in Virginia, I would totally be there. But I will send my friends.

  530. YAY!! Come to Kansas, and I would be willing to go on hunts for taxidermided ferrets with you!

  531. The only thing better than my preorder copy withthe signed bookplate would be a copy early! Congrats!

  532. OMG THE BLOGGESS IS COMING TO HOUSTON! SHE’S COMING TO HOUSTON! ON APRIL 24TH! SQUEEEEEEEEE!

    *THUD*

    ~EdT.

  533. Love your blog, you had me hooked with your metal chicken posts! Can’t go into that store without looking for giant chickens! Would love to win a book!

  534. Ok wait, that comment made it sound like I would pee if you came to Washington DC. That is not what I meant. (Although to be honest it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility). Don’t let that stop you though!

  535. So excited for you!! My first book is coming out next week and I’ve been jumping up and down ever since I got to see the first yes-it-looks-just-like-a-book proof. Ask my friends…they are all deaf from the screaming.

  536. First, Would LOVE an autographed book, and second, wish you were coming somewhere like Chicago, Minneapolis/St. Paul, or Madison! Come visit us in the north, we’re fun!

  537. If you came to Michigan, I would SO come see you! I can’t wait to read the book tho! (A signed copy would be great!)

  538. Congratulations Jenny! I am so proud of and for you. I can’t wait to read it!

    Wishing you book chart success and sleep filled nights, you deserve both so much!

  542. I am a little disheartened that you will not be touring bathrooms instead, but excited for you to tour nonetheless! 😀

    Also- Yay cat butts! Although I’m glad you’re not giving the cat butt away because if I won it I’d be sad because my cat butt would probably eat your cat butt. I live in a one cat butt household.

    Also, I just said cat butt* five times. I think that’s some sort of record.

    *Six if you count this one.

  547. Having your own book is SO EXCITING!!!!!!! Congratulations – I cannot wait to get mine in the mail next month!

  548. Oh my! I already ordered the book, but I am lazy and could TOTALLY use an audio version!

    oh, yeah. Come to the South! Your strange habits will fit in perfectly here!
    (you may even think WE are strange…. )

    You should have a book signing in Westville! You and your family could dress up and fit right in!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Heidi’s review just made me so freakin excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  552. If you come to the Chicago/Michigan area I will buy an additional hard copy of the book just so you can sign it for me. Although I pre-ordered so hoping I can get the sleeve still anyhow.
    Can’t wait!

  553. Wish I lived anywhere near where you’ll be doing your book tour. I can’t wait to read your book!!! SUPER BIG CONGRATS!

  555. Dear Jenny,

    1) Please visit Atlanta on your book tour. 2) If this comment wins your book give away, please donate the prize to some loyal reader who is having trouble affording you book (my copy is long ago ordered from Amazon).

  556. Where’s your Philly date? We love you in Philly. We’re a city, too…right? (okay, I used to live in New York, so city…not so much) but come on! I know that the dates you already have are going to be hard enough for you, but I was so hoping that I could get to see you and maybe even meet you in person. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life and I am so inspired by what you’ve been able to do, especially that its not totally in spite of, but by embracing those parts of you (plus some in spite of, it seems). Rock on, woman!

  557. WOO HOO!!!! I can’t wait for my copy to get here. I am really, really looking forward to reading it! 😀

  560. What joshua m. neff said in comment #1. COME TO KANSAS. You can sit in my bathroom if you’d like.

  561. Congratulations to you! Hope you make a stop in Oklahoma. No one ever stops here but I can always hope. 😉

  565. I’m excited for you! I even plan on buying your book and not pirating it off the interwebs!

  566. Wish you were coming anywhere near Memphis, but it’s not a hot spot for book releases. I’ve already bought the book on Amazon pre-sale so I can’t wait!

  567. Come to Pittsburgh, PA or someplace which isn’t as nice but is within reasonable driving distance of where I live. Not that I’m selfish or anything. In fact, I will unselfishly fill my car with several friends who are also big fans of yours, and bring them with me. Just for you.

  568. Minnesota – come to Minnesota! We have the nicest bathrooms. Ok, maybe not, but they probably rank somewhere in the top 10…or 20. Definitely nicer than Tennesee and South Dakota, that’s for sure.

    I am so excited for you book to be released! Good luck on your tour!

  569. I got mine on order and hope to get one of your furiously signed bookplates too! I won’t be able to see you but if you get sidetracked to Madison, WI somehow I’ve got two cat butts and a basement bathroom waiting for you. Um, sorry, that sounds creepy…..

  570. I can’t wait to read it! You need add a stop in Florida to your tour! Me and my curlers will be first in line. Congratulations and best wishes for all the more fabulous things I know are in your future.

  571. CONGRATULATIONS! I am so excited to get my grabby hands on that sucker next month and read my face off. Not like “Face-Off” the movie, though. No one wants Nic Cage to show up when they’re reading. That would be just the worst.

  573. I am going to add Denver to the list of cities you should come to. But I would love a copy of your book. I am in the process of converting friends and family to the awesome ways of Bruce and Juanita.

  574. Congratulations!! I wish you were coming closer to me–I might actually brave the crowds for you 🙂

  578. Can’t wait for your book! Your blog made me laugh when I was having some post-partum depression issues. Those laughs were very needed!

  579. I hoped to win an ARC from the book sites I stalk, the lottery goddesses did not see fit to reward me. I would <3 to win an audio or a copy. Best of luck on the tour!

  580. Congratulations! I’ve never listened to an audiobook before, but I think yours would be a great one to start with. Also, you should come to Colorado on your tour.

  581. Denver is right in the middle of California and Texas. You know what I’m saying.

    Is it sad that the arrival of your book (audio READ BY JENNY WOO HOO!!), the release of Diablo 3, and the release of the Hunger Games film are the top three most exciting things I have to look forward to in the next two months?

  586. I want to read your book so much! But I have the “broke and in college and asking my daddy for money all the time” so I can’t really justify the purchase anytime soon . . . I hope I win!

  587. I am so happy for you that I am overlooking the sort of scheduling that sends you to New York, where the hotels have lamb burgers.

  590. I can’t wait for the book! I’m considering also getting the audio book just to hear you read it. Good luck on your tour, wish you were coming to Boston!

  593. Where do we comment to win the cat butt? I mean, I’d LOVE the book, but lots of people will have that. Far fewer will have cat butt.

  594. I’m so excited for you! And deeply disturbed– no DC stop? You might be just what this city needs.

  598. So very excited with you!!!! I am looking forward to reading it so much so that I will be putting my anniversary celebrations on hold to read the book. I would LOVE to win!!!

  599. Hope i can see you when youre in NY! You can come hang out in my bathroom!

  600. So excited for the book! Also, if I win, I’d actually like the cat butt (and the rest of the cat it belongs to :-))

  601. I’m going to buy your book but I also let the library know its coming out! I just want a back up copy close by in case of an emergency!

  604. I love the book trailer that Penguin did for you book. Can’t wait to read it.

  606. I wish you all the best on your upcoming tour! I hope you sell a lot of books but, most importantly I hope you finally meet all those who have come to enjoy your words that in invoke visions that make us all laugh and cry in the same paragraph. Good Luck!

  607. I’m beyond thrilled for you! Reading your big has made me such a huge fan but also care about you and your struggles and your successes like my own. You are completely amazing and I can’t wait to read your book that I’ve had pre ordered since early December!!

  610. Come to Florida! We have freakishly large insects. Oh, we have sunshine, oranges and pretty beaches, too

  611. I second (or probably 10th at this point) coming to Chicago, or better yet, Minneapolis. It’s a great place to visit 5 months out of the year. We only have blizzards in April on very rare occasions. By May you are (usually!) safe.
    I’m so thrilled to get the audio version of your book. I have a feeling it’s going to be like David Sedaris’ books – once you listen to one you can never read them on your own. Half the enjoyment comes from hearing him read the story. I’m purposefully scheduling a road trip after I get your book so I can listen without interruption.

  612. That is AAA AWESOME!!!! If I were randomly chosen to receive this most precious book I would immediately share it with my AAA Awesome friend Kate, and revel in the book I’ve already pre-ordered. Just sayin…I give books, like crazy.

  613. Aww – no cat butt?

    Seriously though, a chance for a signed copy? Yes, please. 🙂 I don’t have a lot of signed author stuff, but it would be in good company with my signed Neil Gaiman poster from CBLDF.

    Oh and please come to Canada. We’re nice up here. Honest.

  617. I think I kind of love that San Angelo is on your tour stop. Does anyone purposefully go to San Angelo? 😉

  619. I can’t wait to read it!! So sad you’re not coming near North Carolina.

  620. 1. I would love a signed anything from you.
    2. You deserve every success there is to have.
    3. The thought of you going on book tour had never occurred to me; I now realize if I went I would suddenly shake and wheeze and meet you with ugly tears and nose bubbles. You know. Like a freak. So please take my absence as an affirmation of my liking you. Cause you don’t need to see that.

    PS, do you sell Beyonce bookmarks? I am going to check your store. Cause that’d be awesome.

  622. Amazing! The entire office will be jealous when the book arrives. We are planning a luncheon to go and retrieve the book (should it not arrive early)… on a patio somewhere that we can read aloud, so all of the patrons can enjoy the humor that is you. Thanks! Keep writing…

  623. I can’t wait to get my copy of your book. The minute I get more details about your signing in Dallas I will mark it on my calendar and be there in person to get your autograph!

  625. Congratulations! I’m very happy for you. It’s so great to see hard work rewarded. One question, though – will your book tour be conducted from the various bathrooms?

  627. Hooray! Book news! So excited it’ll be out soon! You should come to Canada for your book tour; we’re very nice and we’d give you beer!

  628. Mazel Tov! Just wait until you see it on the shelf in the bookstore or someone reading it in the park. On a more serious note, I don’t see BOSTON on your tour list. Is there anything we can do to expand the tour? You could do the reading from my bathroom and I would hand the copies in to be signed along with martinis.

  629. Booo! No Midwest stops? I’ll be crying over here in Wisconsin. But mucho congratulations on the publishing of your book. I’m super happy for you!

  630. Yay! This IS exciting news! Though, truth be told, I was kind of hoping a cat butt was included in the prize. Maybe you can let Ferris Mueller roll around in the book a little bit so it’s nice and hairy, so we can feel like we got a cat butt?

  634. Too bad about the cat butt not being part of the giveaway, but I would totally take the book or audiobook as back-up prizes.

  636. OMGIAMSOEXCITEDFORYOU!! I can’t wait to see you when you come to Dallas and I really can’t wait to get your book!! WOOHOO!!!

  637. I have just recently started following your blog. You are a riot. Thanks for making my day just that much better!!

  639. Congrats! I agree with everyone who has told you to stop in Kansas… but, I want to clarify that you need to stop near Kansas City, not Witchita or Topeka, please. 🙂

  641. I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and never commented. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve literally laughed out loud while reading it. Your heartfelt words about depression have been a way for me to connect with my sister who suffers from bipolar disorder. She reads your blog now too. Good luck with the book. I can’t wait to buy a copy.

  642. You should definitely make a stop in Chicago! I can’t believe the book will be out next month! Can’t wait!!!

  645. If I were my daughter I’d say “SQUEEEEEEEE!”, but I’ll just go with “YAY!”

  647. Come to Kentucky and drink bourbon with me! We’re way screwed up here and would adore your freakish ability to make us all feel normal. 🙂

  648. Ummmm, that’s kind of AMAZING. I’m hoping a Florida location will be added. Orlando would great, like really really really great.

    Also, I can’t wait until next month OHMYGOD!!!!

  650. Wish I was in Texas cause I so would come to one of your tours. Need to go buy your book, can’t wait to read it! but an autographed copy would be fantastical! 🙂 Congrats

  652. I WANT YOUR BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!! I did buy the e-version, but it would be sooo much cooler if you’d written on it. Or you can just sign my e-reader. Whatever.

  653. I am eager to read your book and I would love to see you on the book tour. Are you coming to Boston?

  654. I can’t wait to read the book! Also, come to Minnesota on your tour! It’s not cold here!

  655. BOSTON??? You should come, I get to celebrate my birthday on 4/17 not only reading your book but shooting people (in the face of course) with paintballs… it will be awesome!

  656. Please, please come to DC! We have the Xanax ready to meet you in the bathroom…

  657. Would love a copy of the book – after I finish, I plan on giving to my mom (who imparted to me the importance of enjoying the simple strangeness of life). But, WAAAA – why no Baltimore?

  659. Pick me, random number generator!! Blue WIllow, I’ll have to find out where that is and see if I can make it there after work..

    Do all these places have big enough bathrooms for all of us?

  660. This is so exciting! Congratulations! I can’t wait to read your book. Therefore, I would love to win a copy! PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME!PICKME! (Sorry, that was a little obnoxious)

  661. So excited I can hardly wait! A friend has already asked to borrow the copy I pre-ordered, so if I win, I’ll just give it to her. 🙂

  663. that is so exciting! i would have screamed very loudly as well! oh and i so want to win the book!

  664. I have a bookplate on the way, but I totally want that cat butt!

    I’d love to hear the audiobook so there won’t be pauses while I dry my eyes from laughing and crying so consider me really excited about the giveaway.

    Also, if you should desire to visit Chicago or Indiana my bathroom is open and cozy. You can meet people in there and I’ll cook for whoever wants to come stand in line to visit you.

  665. I have to say, I’m a little sad not to see Minneapolis on that list. I would totally be there! –whomp whomp

  666. Thrilled for you hun!I can’t wait to get a hold of the book myself,i may have my own panic attack.Wish you could come to Florida,but one of these days I’ll catch you in TX.Thank you for being such a wonderful and hilarious part of my life everyday via your blog!

  667. YAY! So excited and can’t wait to read it. Wish you were coming to St. Louis . Also, since I have already ordered the Kindle version I’d prefer the signed cat butt. In return I will send you a picture of my cat holding twine.

  668. Damn, I’ll hang with you in the bathroom during your reading or book signing or whatever.

  669. You should completely add KY to your book tour list. We have tons of critters on the side of the road that you can have taxadermied.

  671. I am SO EXCITED for this book. You need to come to Tennessee, that would be awesome. 😀

  672. Dude.
    I would be screaming and happy wild dancing if I were in your shoes. Keep up the awesome!

  673. Oh my goodness, I would like one of these, pleases! If you can post them to London, that is. Not the cat. I am pretty certain that posting cats to the United Kingdom from Texas is not something we should be attempting. even for comedy purposes. Good luck with the readings!

  675. Dear Goddess Mother of Beyonce, I can’t WAIT to come to your book signing in Corte Madera on April 20th!!! I may feel compelled to bring MY metal chicken, Ross (guess where I bought him?)…and friends! Congrats on the new book, I can’t WAIT to read it!!! Yours in taxidermy love, Amy

  676. Congratulations! From the excerpt you posted the other day I know it will be hilarious (like everything you do). If you make it to Michigan I would love to go to a signing! (this offer is anywhere in Michigan. Seriously. You choose the UP? I’ll be there. Mackinac island? Yup. Detroit? Same. Just don’t go to Ohio and forget about us, okay? I hate when that happens)

  677. You REALLY need to come to the Baltimore-Washington area, I’d totally come to hear you speak. Or hang out in the bathroom with you. Either or.

  678. PICK ME! PICK ME! PICK ME! Sheer pandering is what I do best. OMGYOURBOOKCOMESOUTNEXTMONTH!!! I want twine

  683. Anne Boleyn did not have six fingers on one hand.

    Random drawing requires random comment, right?

    Go Jenny! Congrats on all of this, and it’s been a pleasure reading your posts as you go through this! You’re going to meet so many amazing fans on your tour! (Although your tour seems a little Texas heavy…Kansas City is not that far north, really. Just sayin’…)

  684. Congrats! And I agree with people who want you to come to their state – swing by MN 🙂

  685. This is my first comment on A blog (not just your blog) ever . . . no big deal. Congrats on your book! If you and Bon Jovi went on tour together, my life would be complete. Seriously, you could do readings in between songs.

  687. Congratulations! What fun and terror! Take care of yourself,
    Barbara

  689. I AM SO EXCITED THAT I AM ACTUALLY COMMENTING.

    also, you should come to Cambridge/Boston. I will come see you in whatever bathroom you choose to hide in.

  691. Oh, how I wish Kansas City was on your tour list!! I’ve pre-ordered the Kindle edition and now I really wish I had gone with the hardback, that cover is too perfect to not own.

  693. I am so excited for you!!!! And I am excited for me because I pre-ordered my copy last night! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

  696. I wish you were coming to DC! We could use a good dose of awesomesauce around here.

  697. I would so bring you nachos under the table, if you came to Boston. I’d even bring you some to New York, if I wasn’t going to be in Flrida that week. So Please Please consider oming o Boston. I’ll make the achos myself and we can hide under the table together.

  700. Come to Atlantic City! You could bring Beyonce here before Beyonce brings Beyonce here! Meanwhile, I’ll try to catch you in NYC 🙂

  703. Congrats! I can see Ferris Mewler is preparing a little party of his own. As soon as your back is turned, he’s going to sit on that book.

    Books must be the cushiest, most awesome thing ever to a cat butt. Better than pillows, better than the top of an old-style TV. I have four cats. If I leave a book on any flat surface, I will see a cat sitting on it within the hour. Sometimes they fight over it.

    So one day I tried sitting on a book. I picked a bigger book – one of those coffee table books – because I have a bigger butt. Honestly, I don’t see the appeal. It’s probably one of those ways that cats are smarter than us.

    I’ve preordered your book and I just can’t wait.

  704. So excited! Maybe you could ask the good folks of the cities you’re visiting to send you pictures of the nicest public bathrooms in the area? Then you’d have some good locations set up if you need to go hang out in a one during the book signings!

  705. Wow- Congratulations Jenny! I can’t even imagine what 10+ years condensed into hardcover must feel like!! Freak out to your hearts content! Can’t wait to read it!!

  706. I can’t wait to buy the book! Is it coming out for Kindle? I’ll even PAY for it!

    Wish you were coming to Florida on the book tour. I’d love to meet you in person (Sorry, there’s just no way to make that sound not stalkerish.)

    Congratulations!!!

  707. Not far you’re not coming any where close to where I live!! 🙁 Congrats on the book though can’t wait to get my hands on it!! 🙂

  709. Congrats! I (selfishly) cannot wait to read this and will, most likely, ignore hygienic responsibilities and familial obligations until I finish your book.

  713. I am so happy for you. I wish you were coming somewhere closer to South Carolina, ’cause no one ever comes to South Carolina willingly, unless it’s Myrtle Beach or Charleston. See, bam, you could come and have a vacation whilst book touring and all of your minions would be all, yeah, we’ll go to Myrtle Beach to see the Bloggess and you would be helping my poor state with the ginormous influx of tourist dollars. Get this idea to your publisher stat. oh and yes, I have pre-ordered but an autographed copye. HUGE i tells ya

  715. Would LOVE to come if you came to Iowa! Maybe my friends and I will have to take a mini vaca to see you on your tour! Can’t wait for your book, it’ll be awesome just like you!

  716. You need to come to Orlando!!!!!!!! I will make you dinner or lunch or breakfast or a snack or I won’t feed you at all if you prefer. Nothing would make me more furiously happy!!!!!

  717. congratulations and like the song says “please come to boston in the springtime….!”

  719. Please oh please come to Chicago! I promise that we can get you set up in a bathroom somewhere (though it would have to be unisex bathroom so the gents could participate) with generous amounts of booze slushies.

    And also, you may or may not owe some employment law attorneys at my corporation new pairs of undies because after they read the HR excerpt they may or may not have experienced leakage from all the laughter.

  720. This is awesome! I hope your book will be available here on the other side of the world. (I can also pray I’ll find a copy at the secondhand bookshop. I got Anderson Cooper’s book there and it was only released months earlier).

  722. HOUSTON HOUSTON HOUSTON! Hell YEAH. Gonna camp that line.

    If I get an autographed book I’m getting you to sign it again. D: But, don’t pick me for the audio book because people reading to me reminds me of college and puts me to sleep. Also because it’s harder to lick the pages of an audiobook.

  723. I don’t think you need your ego stroked anymore than it already has been. Just know that everyone likes free shit, especially shit that’s been autographed.

  724. Congratulations! Jenny!

    Your voice sings like the perfect angel (one that uses four letter words) I want . BOTH vergions of the book.

    I ache for it

  726. I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am that it’s almost time to get your book! Especially after reading the HR excerpt yesterday! 🙂

  728. How many people can honestly fit inside a Barnes and Noble bathroom? Get your tickets now people.

  730. It’s sad that you aren’t coming to Boston.(:

    But Jenny? With the panic attacks and everything else, I think that your decision to go on a multi-state book tour is one of the bravest things I can imagine. I don’t have panic attacks, but I’d absolutely fold at that schedule. Your courage is amazing.

  732. So excited for you – and I’m excited for ME to read it! Your blog posts perk up my days, and make me feel like being my weird self is awesome. Now I need to go print out my Beyonce on a stick, as my office needs additional spunk.

  733. My teenage son and I can’t wait to see you in Austin!! We are big fans and are sure to enjoy the book.

  734. So very excited for you! Can’t wait to see you in Houston (Maybe Dallas if my boss is evil, which she is)

  738. PS: You need to come to Florida on tour. Seriously. We have pretty beaches and LARGE daiquiries!

  739. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read your book! Hubby and I also plan to get a copy of the audiobook, because listening to you read this has got to be a hoot.

  740. I keep waiting and waiting for your book to come out. I laugh till I pee just reading your blog, I can only imagine what effect the book will have on me. And it would be awesome if you came to Arkansas. Your not that far away, I mean you have 4 cities in Texas so you could totally just slide on over this way. You can stay with me, I have room.

  743. Yes! You’ll be in Austin. As I live in Round Rock I have no excuse whatsoever not to come. Love your blog and can’t wait to read the book. Why yes, I have pre-ordered AND requested the personalized book plate. So happy for you!

  744. Come to South Carolina! We have crazy taxidermied armadillos and other crazy creatures for your collection! I’m so excited to read your book while I am on maternity leave! Going to get my son started early! 🙂

  745. I’m adding onto the list of places people want you! DENVER! The mountains are beautiful, and even though my bathroom might be small, it’s totally suitable for a Jenny party, though I can’t promise any band appearances. Yet.

  749. If you come to Lexington, we have knitters. I will personally knit tiny scarves for a few of your more favorite dead, stuffed, mounted (not in that order?) animals!

  750. If you were coming anywhere near Buffalo, I’d come in a heartbeat! Can’t wait to read the book. I bought it as a birthday present to myself as it is being released on my birthday 🙂

  752. I’m glad you did your own audiobook! I don’t think there’s anyone who could do it better…

    Congratulations!

  754. YAY Book! Let there be Juanita service Cheese and Wine! What? she can hold a tray right? small stationary try with tiny cheeses and crackers and tiny glasses of wine?

    Congratulations! I can’t wait for you to make it to Dallas!

  755. I am so excited to read your book!! Can’t you come up to Waco for a signing???

  756. Wow! Sooooo exciting about the book… the touring too except you aren’t coming to Australia. Perth is a nice place to visit… hint hint! Seriously though… congratulations on your book. I will definitely be ordering a copy! Your blog posts often brighten my day.

  757. Congrats!

    You better add some tour dates because you aren’t coming anywhere near Washington state…. ;o)

  758. How awesome!!! Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it. You should come to Atlanta!

  759. Love the cat tail! Serves as an ersatz plume. Oh so 18th-century-literature-like!

  760. Congratulations on the book. I can’t wait to read it! As soon as it’s available I’m downloading that bad boy onto my Kindle, sending the kids to grandmas and telling the hubs to go out with the boys so I can read in peace and quiet.

  761. I’m so excited for you!

    I’ve already pre-ordered your book (and can’t wait for it to get here!) but I absolutely wouldn’t say no to a signed copy OR to an audio copy. I love audio books!

    Anyway, congratulations on your book and good luck on the tour! I doubt I’ll get to see you cause it doesn’t look (so far) like you’re going to make it to the East Coast. But if you do, I’ll try to be there!

  763. You’re not coming anywhere near me. Boo. Sure you don’t want to come to Michigan?! 😀

  765. You’re not coming to Boston 🙁 It’s not fair!

    (But woo-hoo! and congratulations! and squeee!)

  766. Very excited for your new book! Very sad that you’re not coming to the Midwest!

  767. You’re coming to the B&N by my house!! I will definitely be there! 😀

  770. AWESOME! Wish you were coming to Tulsa! We could totally be BFF’s!! Can’t wait to read the book!!

  773. Congratulations! Wish you were heading closer to Charleston, SC, but I’ll still pick up the book. Excited for you!

  775. I wish you could add a stop in Chicago on your tour. That would be so freaking awesome!!!

  778. Congratulations. I too have written a book, an audio book and a comic book. But unlike you Jenny, I am greedy and do not like to share. Although, I do go on tour. OK, it’s more a vacationing since I have to pay for it myself and I HAVE to take my wife along. Commitment!! Errr! I will be reading to myself every night before I cry myself to sleep.

    Good luck to you on your book tour. If you come to Washington D.C., I could give you a tour or the district and all of its history. But only the dirty, scary, nasty places.

  780. Yay! Your coming to NYC! Booo… I won’t be able to make it that day. Congrats and good luck on the tour.

  782. My heart is really set on the cat butt, but I can settle for a book. I guess.
    Bu the way, Congratulations!

  786. Oh please oh please come to Maine! I need to hug you so horribly. XD I read aloud your post on HR and penises to my eight grade class and got a lot of weird looks. ^_^

  788. Yay, congratulations!!! I was hoping you would tour! Will definitely be there ay the Houston signing! Hooray!! Thankyou Jenny!

  789. Buffalo! Buffalo! Buffalo! We are super friendly and non-judgey (judgy?) Enjoy every minute of your success!

  791. Congratulations! I’m so excited for you and for me because soon my copy of your book will be in my mailbox. Yay!!!
    Hope you add a date in St. Louis. I’d so like to meet you. I think we might be related. Well, not really, but we totally could be.

  793. I friggin love you! Please add more dates/locations for your tour. Virginia would love to have you! Maybe I shouldn’t speak for the whole rest of the state, but screw those guys…

  796. Bon Jovi and artifacts from terrible disasters are the same thing.

    Also, you should come to Virginia.

    Double also, I forward your blog to my fiance on the regular. Just thought you should know we are stalking you.

  797. Way to cock tease, Bloggess.

    First, you present that fine feline in your giveaway picture, so that you can gleefully tell us it’s not part of your giveaway, then you invite us to your book tour that entirely cuts out the Midwest.

    I might live in the Midwest.

    Anyway, congratulations on your new book! It has a great cover, title, and I’m looking forward to reading it.

  798. I want the book! I have been impatiently waiting for it to come out. Sometimes I try to forget it exists so I don’t spend all my time thinking about it. 😉

  799. Wow, Jenny. No wonder you’re freaking out. But I hope it’s the good kind of scary. If such a thing exists.

  800. I WANT THAT IN MY HOUSE!!! Or maybe in my brain? Ooh, will the sequel come from your tour, because that is probably the only way I will get to see most of those places. Or you could come to Coventry, UK and I will bake scones and we can have a proper cream tea!

  801. Insanely jealous and happy for you. Mostly happy. Or jealous. Or happy. Mostly. Congratulations, and I hope the book tour doesn’t freak you out too much!

  802. Woot!

    You should come to Portland, Maine. Or Boston. But Portland is preferable because then we can road trip to Bangor to view the 5 story porn box…and then find Stephen King and get him to hold a model airplane…or something else, but the plane would be rad because I’m convinced the gratuitous plane shots in The Langoliers were done in his bathtub during a bubble bath.

  805. I’d love a copy! But if I have to buy it, I will just have to live with that, I guess 😛

  807. Psshhhttt! Why do you want to go to boring old places like Dallas? EVERYONE goes there on book tours. Now KANSAS, there’s the place to be. 😉 We’ve got huge tracts of land!

  812. WHooo Hooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Congrats!
    You know ~ you should REALLY come to Oxford, Mississippi! We ARE the home of William Faulkner and I’m sure you have alot in common with him! 🙂

  815. I already ordered one. If I win, I will have to give another one away. Spreading the Bloggess….one book at a time.

  816. So so so excited for you! Congrats! Although I’m wondering how on earth you got MY cat to pose in your picture….of cat porn! She’s usually so shy….

    I pre-ordered your book a couple of months ago and the anticipation of waiting until it arrives has just been almost unbearable! Now I see you’re coming to Dallas! EEEeeeeek! I’ll totally be there!

    Thanks too for the nameplate. And the chance to win the autographed copy of your book! If, by chance, I’m lucky enough to win, then I can give the one I ordered away to one of my readers! Total awesomeness!

  818. WHAT!? no CANADA?!?!?
    Toronto isn’t that far you know. And I have a very comfy bathroom you can stay in!!

  819. Posting here because I want to get me this awesome book. And it’s the only chance I get to get an autographed version, because I live in Europe.
    There is a world outside of the US you know, and it’s not just Canada. We got rid of the dragons that be here, so it’s perfectly safe. Well, most of the times. But no dragons!

  821. Super exciting!! I wish you were coming to Toronto though..

    Can’t wait to get your book!!

  825. Yeah for you. I’m saving my Audible credit waiting this to be released. I looked at the tour list – Where is Chicago on that list. No tour is complete without a stop in the Hog Butcher of the World.

    L

  826. I have never been so excited to read a book before. Please come to Canada! We’re super friendly and have very clean bathrooms for you to hide in.

  829. I had a choice of what I wanted for my birthday: a spa day without my daughter, or your book. I chose the book because a massage only happens once but I can re-read your twisted book forever.

  830. So cannot wait to read your book. Have been an avid blog reader for ages. Please consider a book tour stop in Fort Wayne, Indiana. Granted, it’s not all bright lights/big city like some other stops, but we’re a kind, gentle folk. The kind that won’t make you want to hide in a bathroom. I promise.

  836. I would LOVE a signed copy of your book and audio book! I’ve already preordered one of each from Amazon, so if I won, I’d probably give my preordered copies to someone less fortunate than myself…. like my girlfriend who works a bazillion hours a week and could REALLY USE A GOOD LAUGH.

  838. Congrats. that’s totally amazing.

    I found this little antique shop that was selling like a million smaller Beyonce chickens and I laughed and laughed.

  839. If I bring you a booze slushee, can I get in front of the book signing line at Bookpeople? I hate long lines and waiting. Plus it will help get you through signing all those books. It’s a win-win!

  840. I love that you’re giving away the audiobook, too, because I listen to those in my car pretty much constantly and my local library’s selection is pretty crappy. I’d love to listen to your book and have to pull over from laughing so hard.

  841. Holy cow, I almost didn’t even bother leaving a comment cause there are so many already! Good for you! I already preordered my book, but an audiobook would be awesome! Or an extra book to give as a gift!

  842. joining in the Come to Philly chorus. Only screw cheesesteaks, they’re kindof gross. We have the Mutter Museum, an entire museum devoted to medical oddities like Siamese twins, giant demon babies, and crazy crap that’s come out of people’s bodies! Do a google image search and tell me honestly that you don’t want to come.

  849. WOW how incredibly EXCITING!!!!! Good luck with the book—its going to be a HUGE HIT!!!!! 🙂
    smooches …caitie!!!!!

  850. Ooo, you read the audiobook? So cool. If you come to Kansas City, you can see the Titanic disaster artifacts on tour. And probably some cat butts.

  853. Come to Mobile, AL. WE have humidity & mosquitoes. What more do you need?

  855. Congrats! You so deserve this.

    I’m so excited for the book. I can’t WAIT!!! 🙂

  856. Come to Phoenix? Pretty please? (Yes, I know you have no control over it, but it doesn’t mean I won’t beg!) This is so incredibly exciting…I can’t wait to get my own copy and dive right into it. Congrats on your amazing achievement!

  857. Please, please, please come to Indiana!!! Preferably northern Indiana!!! I can’t wait to read your book!

  858. Waaaaah!!! Kermit flail!
    This seemed so far away when I preordered, and now it’s almost here, thank you thank you thank you. (freaking out a little myself)

  859. Congratulations! I have your book on pre-order and I am so excited to read it!!

  860. I’m almost tempted to drive out to New York to see you, since you aren’t making any Canadian appearances.

  862. I cant wait until this book comes out! I wish you were comming to Florida! 🙂

  865. Please, please make a Chicago book tour visit! My cats Cami and Pebbles send their best to Ferris.

  867. OhmygodohmygodOHMYGAWD. THY BOOK HAS COMETH!
    Congratulations on the book, and best of luck with the touring. You aren’t going to go all rockstar and start demanding 25 x 33 ml bottles of 27.3 oC Evian sparkling water in your changing room, are you?
    …Actually, go ahead and make those diva demands: you ARE worth it. 🙂

  870. I can’t wait for my copy of the book to come in. Would be great if your tour visited Buffalo.

  871. I’ll be at the Dallas one (A Real Bookstore is my favorite bookstore out there)–although I wish you’d come on up to Oklahoma City to Full Circle Bookstore. Can’t wait to get it!

  872. !!!!Eeeeeep!!!! And you’re coming to Houston! 🙂

    Congrats Jenny, you should be extremely proud of all your accomplishments!

  873. OhMyGAWD, I want this book. I’ve been drooling over it since you said it was on pre-order (& before then!). Unfortunately, I’m a broke b. (Can I cuss in this thing?) 🙁 & I live in the Northeast. Which you seem to have ignored in your tour. ACK!

    So… PICK ME!!! *handwaves furiously*

    Thank you.

  874. I have a spare room and real chickens, though not 10 feet tall or anything, to share if you will only come to Purdy, MO. NO, I don’t mean PRETTY, MO. I mean Purdy. I didn’t say pretty like I’m from the Ozarks or something and I ain’t a hillbilly. woops.

  875. I really want to win!!! I already pre-ordered your book on Kindle, but my obsessive need to buy and keep books tells me that I need to have your book in a tangible form. Plus, autographed?!?! My friends would be so jealous.

  880. Congratulations! I can’t wait for your book to come out! Is there anything we can do to convince you to travel a little farther north on your book tour? Maybe (maybe, maybe, maybe) Sioux Falls, SD? Or Omaha? Minneapolis? . . .

  882. Hey Jenny! I’ve been reading your blog FOREVAH. I really like it, I’ve struggled with depression too, still am, honestly, but I’m getting through it. I pre-ordered your book. Good luck! You’ll be even more famous!
    🙂
    Much love, Ariana.

  884. I’ve been holding out for the audiobook with bated breath because I was promised bloopers. There are bloopers, right?

  885. If you can handle an expanded tour, we love you in Phoenix. Congratulations on the completion of your book.

  887. I think I’m going to wait for the movie version to come out.

    Or the cliff-notes (do they even have those any more?)

  888. Can’t wait for the book and I will HAVE to buy the audio book too. So I can play out loud at work and let everyone enjoy!

  889. Initially annoyed I was gypped out of a decent post on the awesomeness of sharks, but calmed down when I saw the reason. Bet you still haven’t stop squealing with joy – can’t wait to read the book. Even though your tour isn’t coming near us I forgive you & your adorably furry bahookie.

  890. Leave to the cat to always think their ass needs to be the center of attention…
    Many congrats talented lady 🙂
    PS – thanks for the Beyonce puppet, everyone at my office is jealous that I found it first

  891. That is awesome and I’m so jealous since I’ve secretly harbored dreams of being published. Way to go girl!

  892. Stacia, are you saying that when I get out of Kansas (and believe me, I intend on getting out of here when I can), I won’t be able to wash the state off of me?

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

    *cut to: Joshua curled up in a ball on the floor of the shower, water streaming over him like a rainstorm as he weeps openly*

  893. Me, me, pick me! I pre-ordered, but I could catalog the one I ordered for the library. Cos I’m a cool librarian like that.

    And sweet baby Jeebus, come to Kentucky! Lexington’s Joseph-Beth would be a great fit for you!!!

  896. Oh, I really want to come see you, but I just can’t go that far. I can’t wait to read it, though!

  897. A big congratulations to you. I’m a writer, too, so I know what a long process and roller coaster journey it is. Here’s to many more books!

  899. I would LOVE it if you could come to SW Virginia so I could get you to autograph my book! And 100 years from now when my great-great-great grandchildren are going through all the crap stored in the attic of the family home (which doesn’t really exist except in my mind but it kinda looks like the house on The Waltons), they could get it and be like ‘Oh WOW! It’s a first edition of The Bloggess’ book and it’s autographed! Great-great-great grandma must have been so COOL to stand in line for hours to get Jenny to autograph it! What a priceless find….let’s see how much it would sell for!’. See? Not only would you make ME happy but spread happiness for generations to come!

  901. I can’t wait for the book to come out. I already have plans to read the book at the end of April whilst sitting by the pool in Las Vegas as Husband attends boring daily seminars. What could be a better vacation reading a great book, pool side while sipping drinks from pinapples by day and gambling by night.

  902. I already pre-ordered the kindle version but I want the others so, so much!!! This is a book I want to display for people to pick up and leaf through. Congratulations! I’m so sad I won’t be able to go to any of your tour dates. Western NY? Pretty please.

  904. So excited for you! I am super excited to read your book, and would love to have a signed hardback edition. Fingers crossed!

  905. You should come to Fairfax, Virginia….. you have a huge following in this area. I swear just mentioning Beyonce and their is instant laughter and bonding. Speaking of which … a friend found Beyonce in a TJ MAXX in North Carolina. When she posted a picture everyone asked if she had bought it. She was like no… for $199.99 I’ll leave that to The Bloggess. 🙂

  907. The abdominal cramping from the excitement that you’ll be in Dallas is almost unbearable. Nope, wait, I think it’s food poisoning. Anyway, if the wife isn’t shooting people that day, the munchkin isn’t taking over the world and I’m not being verbally abused I so would like to attend and get a copy of your book.

  908. So… I’m a little, scratch that a lot sad you aren’t coming to Canada.
    I’m sure they will give you a pardon if you tell them you want to bring large groups together, and talk about retaliation, Beyonce. As well as, how to precure dead things 😉

    Well if you can’t come to Canada I’ll smuggle you in so you can have a book signing in my bathroom! Oh, and pick me to win… So you can deliver in person!

  910. None of these locations are even remotely close enough to Nashville! What if I find you a venue with an enormous bathroom and all the broken bottles of alcohol you want to protect yourself with??

  911. Hmmm. Not going near Arizona? I guess I’ll have to activate my sleeper network in San Antonio and go by proxy!

  912. Come to Wichita, Kansas! or at least somewhere in Kansas! I can’t wait for your book. I pre-ordered it and am so antsy to get it! <3

  913. Come on up to Springfield IL! Your blog totally rocks & I love love love Ferris Mewler!

  915. Aww, you won’t be touring anywhere near me. Well, the book will be awesome either way so I’ll make do. 😀

  917. Jenny, PLEASE come to Florida!? I’m in Jacksonville, but I don’t expect you to come here because, well, who would if they didn’t have to??? I’ll drive anywhere in the state, I don’t care, but Orlando would be best. You could hang out with Jen from Cake Wrecks! I’d also drive to Atlanta.

  919. I don’t see Canada on that list 🙁 We’re friendly up here, come on up, we’ll let you ride a moose

  920. I’d be freaking out too…if I won the autographed book and audiobook! (See what I did there? I took your accomplishment and made it about me, so you’ll be thinking about giving me that gift. Or how much of a jerk I am. Except that I actually just went back and read it and you ACTUALLY wrote that you’d be choosing at random. So this just makes me look like a jerk who can’t read. …Dammit.)

    Either way, congratulations. I can’t imagine how many backflips Hailey and Victor had to watch you try and do when the book arrived. Yay!

  921. You should probably come to Columbus, Ohio. We have a book club. And a Unicorn Success Club. Byonce will be at our next gathering, and we pretty much pretend you’re already in the club anyway. So, we should probably just nail down all the details and get back to the shark post. Sharks are awesome.

  924. Being that I’ve already pre-ordered, I don’t really want to win as someone else less fortunate should be in possession of this work of literary awesome-ness (<– serious, awesome word of important stuffs).

    But, I'd LOVE an audiobook. I figure you've made that pretty amazing.

  926. What the freaking hell?!?!?!?! You need to get your “people” in check and get em to add Portland to this list!!!!!!!

  927. PLEASSSSSSSSSSE come to Boston!!!!! You can visit the MFA and see the giant baby head sculptures outside of it! How can you possibly turn that down?? Plus we have fried dough and the original Cheers bar. And a crazy accent. And, uh, lobsters. (Wait, that’s Maine.) Just come to Boston. It will be SO MUCH FUN.

  928. Congratulations! Can’t wait to read it whether I win it or buy it. You are awesome!!

  930. Go book tour! I’ve pre-ordered your book but would love to hear the audio version…your post about how that went has me dying of curiosity!

  932. Dude, I want to read your book, and possibly, stalk you cross-country. Kidding about the stalking. OR AM I?

    Yes, yes, I am. But I do want the book.

  936. Do we get the cat tail too? Because I’m not sure what I would do with that….. 🙂

  937. I REALLLLLLY want the audio!!! I travel back and forth from GA to SC every weekend and need good car material!!!

  941. Very cool that this never happened. Or something. or not?
    Wait, if we’re pretending this never happened are the pages blank?
    Well, the book would make a mice journal anyway.
    NICE. I meant nice. not mice. Because they have very poor penmanship.

  944. You bitch! I am literally in Texas for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and you can’t do a reading until a month after I leave? That’s it, I’m coming over for boozy slushies right now. You’re gonna have to put me on the train tomorrow, though.
    Actually, I’m totally excited and will scream even more when you announce Chicago on that list (please, please) and I get to come see you. Can’t wait for my copy, and my bookplate, to come in the mail.

  947. Ooooo Congrats!!!! That’s very cool

    You need to bring your tour up here to Canada!!

  948. CONGRATULATIONS!!!! What an accomplishment. If I were more awake I would feel really inspired.
    On that note: PLEASE pick me and I will stop yelling in all caps at you.
    P.S. Ummmm, where is Colorado on your book tour? If you could just add Ft. Collins (aka Ft. FUN) on to your list, that would be probably the best decision you ever made. 🙂 Did I mention that I have ponies?
    But seriously, congrats on the book~ I can’t wait to read and/or listen to it!

  950. oh I would LOVE to win both! But I am ok with you keeping the cat butt. I have two of my own, albeit less fuzzy.

    And I am going to try very very hard to come see you in San Francisco (which is really NOT SF, it’s way north of it!) but it’s an hour and a half drive on a weeknight, if I’m lucky! But how many chances in life does one get to see the Bloggess? 🙂

  954. Dear Bloggess, your book comes out a mere 5 days after my due date. I would sincerely love to distract myself from such a thing as labor with your delightful musings; however, that would mean I would be almost 41 weeks pregnant, and possibly insane by then. So, here’s to hoping I pop this baby out early, and I look forward to your book as an excellent distraction to a newborn baby’s crying. Two things to love.
    Clare

  955. Congratulations!! I look forward to seeing you in Dallas….I hope the bookstore staff won’t mind me bringing in my Beyonce for an autograph.

  958. Your book tour is actually one I’d go to. Unfortunately you’d need to come a little farther North of Texas (3 states up, please!).

  960. I was in it for the cat butt, but I guess that’s not an option. Well, as long as I’m here…

    Congratulations!! Also, your tour has a noticeable lack of Pacific Northwest appearances! Thus, I need to win this autographed copy. I need it in my life.

  961. I can’t wait until your book comes out! And if you come to North Carolina, we’d definitely appreciate it!

  962. Please come to DC! You have inspired my friends and I to a crazy girls night out in fancy red dresses!

  963. Really hoping i win this drawing! Come on random number generator . org finally be in my favor! I peed a little I laughed so hard at yesterday’s excerpt.

  965. So surreal for you, huh? Very cool!!
    Hooray, you’re coming to Austin. I hope it’s in a cool store like Book People.
    Congratulations Jenny!

  966. You are so damn cute. And totally allowed to geek out over your own awesomeness! I can’t wait to read the book! And Michigan… Come to Michigan you Bon Jovi -ish Blogger!

  968. I think you should come to DC…even though the idea of me getting the chance to meet you would make my husband crap a little.

  973. Please, please, please come to DC! A few of my friends are new blog readers and I forwarded them your site and every single one of them (myself included) has pre-ordered your book. I promise we’ll all come to the reading, and we’ll bring wine slushies!!

  975. I would totally love to come, but I live in FL. Boo. I don’t blame you for not coming to my neck of the woods. There’s nothing here anyhow. Best of luck on your book tour. I’m sure they’ll all LOVE you!

  980. I would LOVE a copy of your book! I am a fairly new reader and have become addicted – I check your blog every day! Wish your tour was coming to Chicago 🙁

  983. I’m a recent covert to your site and I love every minute of reading it! Congrats on the new book!

  985. I’m guessing that I can’t convince you to extend your book tour to Gothenburg, Sweden? Not far from here – in a small town called Varberg (where I actually grew up) – there’s a museum with a reaaaaaaaaally reeeeeaaally old skeleton who has RED HAIR. Attached to his skull. That if anything should make you come here (you can stay at my place).
    Anyhow, big congrats to your book, I will get a copy as soon as possible. Or, maybe, I can win one? Shipping to sweden though.. not that cheap. Well, you decide. Hugs and Kisses

  986. I’m so excited about you coming to Dallas that I will probably start camping out at random bookstores until it’s announced which one you’ll be at on the off chance that I’ll be camped at the right one and therefore at the front of the line. I am wondering if I should invest in a portable TARDIS just in case you get a little overwhelmed and they won’t let you do the book tour in the bathroom…

    Even if I have to camp out in a bookstore bathroom, I am SO excited by the prospect of actually meeting you because that will be a “red dress” moment for me. And winning a copy of your book/audiobook would be amazing!

    I AM SO EXCITED!

  988. Come to Chicago! I pre-ordered your book last night, and I’m mad at myself for missing the bookplate giveaway. Hoping the publisher sends out more of your gazillion signed bookplates!

  992. I am so excited for your book tour, but you don’t have a Cleveland date, what’s up with that?! (I’m honestly a lot stressed for you too, because as an introverted/slightly depressed person I can’t imagine trying to commit to that many dates!)

    And, while I have your book on preorder, I would LOVE to win an autographed copy!

  993. Super exciting news! I hope you sell a million copies. I just discovered you recently but you seem like an absolute delight and I’m really looking forward to hearing more about your success.

    If the universe doesn’t favor me and if I don’t win the prize I am certainly going to add this to my book list.

    May your stuffed creatures keep you safe and may your twine crusade continue to spread.

  995. Everyone loves free hard backed signed books. Everyone. Even people who think they don’t, Freud would know otherwise.

    I’m interested in how you make the selection process random though. If I were to randomly select a comment from near a thousand I’d obtain near a thousand kittens, number them like sheep, then have them fight it out.

  998. Too bad you’re not coming to my town in Michigan. But you probably need a bookstore here, huh? Congratulations, though. I’ll need that book, one way or another.

  1001. Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston Boston

    Maybe if I say it enough times you’ll bring your tour there. Mostly because driving in Boston terrifies me, and the thought of driving in New York City makes me need a new pair of pants.

    Also, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one of your posts explode to over 900 posts in less than a day. NEW RECORD! YAY!!! Excited for teh happy reading times!

    The End

  1002. Can’t hardly wait to get my copy! I got SO excited when I saw “San Francisco” as one of your stops – Corte Madera is NOT San Francisco…bummer. I will endeavor to fire up the 4-wheeled device and make my way to the hinterland though. Congratulations on your book…what a HUGE achievement!

  1004. You will send me the autographed book or I will ban you from every Canadian bathroom. Also, you damn well will come to Canada. Alberta specifically. Just give me the book and no person or bladder will get hurt.

    Hugs and kisses,
    Amber.

  1005. Would LOVE LOVE LOVE it if you came to Maine but Boston would work too – Maine is practically its own damn country, its so far away from everything, but from the Bangor area of Maine, Boston is about 4 hours, so that would be fabbity fab fab!

  1007. Michigan needs some Bloggess love (or whatever passes for the aura of your presence) – especially Grand Rapids. And while I already have your book on preorder from iTunes having one that was personally screamed near by the authoress would make me the envy of my household.

  1008. I love your blog, and wish I lived close enough to see you speak! I’ll just have to read the book instead.

    I once worked with someone who left in one day because of “questionable material” on his computer. Thanks to your HR story, I will now always wonder if it was his penis.

  1009. I NEED YOUR BOOK NOW!!! Your HR post had me rolling on the floor cracking up the other day…so sad and true!

  1010. Girl I would so be there. I’d totally show up in overalls and a straw hat.. prolly barefoot.. and make a huge scene. I might even bring my own Beyonce.. only it would be a live chicken tucked under my arm and I’d ask you to sign her beak with a sharpie.
    If you were coming just a little closer to the holler.

  1011. Love, love that you’re coming to my area but let’s not call it Dallas. Fairview is a good 20 miles plus outside Dallas but…BUT…something so silly as that won’t stop anyone who adores you, such as myself. Have had your book pre-ordered for months and am very excited to have it in my possession soon. Conundrum: Have big overseas trip planned for beginning of June. Do I read your book the second it comes in or save it for a 10 hour flight? What to do, what to do!?

  1013. Oh my goodness! Tour! That is so awesome, and I do solemnly swear if you make it anywhere around the Kansas City area, I will be there! And I’ll distract people if you need to go hide in the bathroom. I’m not sure how. It might get me arrested. Hm, fun. 😛

  1014. I can’t think of anything good to say!
    Ok- I love you and you’re awesome, and I hope you know how many lives you change every single day. Jenny, you are such a beautiful person. Thank you for everything, most of all, thank you for the autographed copy of your book that I’ve won…? Right?
    Even if I don’t win it, I still think you’re the bees knees.

  1015. Congratulations on the book. I hope it’s super-successful and makes you incredibly wealthy. (And, yes, I would really like to win, too)

  1016. I’m so excited for you!
    ….. and for me because I get to read your book! If you add any more stops, could you add one in the Pacific Northwest (Portland, Oregon or Seattle, Washington)?

  1017. I need to live in the US RIGHT NOW to go to your tour.

    Also, your cats tail is in the photo. Are you going to mew-tilate Ferris and cut off his tail? If I win, you can keep the tail. It might be a nice scarf for James Garfield.

  1019. Congrats! My mom and I both love your blog (your post on your anixety/depression helped me talk to my. Mom about my own iissues — thank you so much). Can’t wait to pick up a copy of your book to read!

  1020. Oh, Jen! This is so very exciting and I am so happy for you! Eagerly awaiting my copy from Octavia Books!

  1023. Thank goodness you cannot win the cat butt because that would have kept me from entering. There are so many problems with winning a cat butt, least of which is that I am allergic. Wish you were coming to DC, hell, wish you were coming to my house but I can’t always get what I want.

  1024. Sweet, I have a 1 in 998 chance of winning this. FOR NOW.

    Oh, and, y’know, congrats.

  1025. Congrats, can’t wait to read it!! And yes, come to Chicago! I think the city is known for it’s abundance of small taxidermied animals for CHEAP! And all the famous people here carry twine.

  1026. Cannot wait for your book! I would love to have you read it to me. Oh, wait..you will. I love audiobooks.

  1029. I am disappointed you are coming nowhere near me. But I hope you enjoy it and don’t freak out too much or it will get really crowded in that bathroo

  1030. Congratulations!

    Just think, every time a copy of your book sells an angel gets taxidermied.

  1031. Come to Philly! We have cheese steaks, broken bells and men in sequins and feathers playing banjoes… Way cooler than NY!

  1032. Awwww man Jennie and I so wanted another Cat Butt!! CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BOOK!!!! Excellent!

  1033. I wish you were coming to Atlanta. We’d love to have you. Congrats!

  1034. By “more locations” you mean Columbus Ohio, right? Right????

    I kind of want the cat butt…almost…but I guess that’s just asking too much.

  1035. Congratulations! If I were you, I would be freaking out too. Not sure what else to write other than I really want to win your book. The cat butt too, but I understand that it’s off limits…

  1036. I mean honestly, keeping the cat butt?! I think that’s a tad selfish, don’t you? Oh well, I suppose I’ll settle for the book/audiobook.

  1040. I’ve started to use douche-nugget because of you–can’t wait to learn more
    vocab from your book!!!

  1041. Obviously I want this book. And it looks like I have a one in one billion chance of winning it.

    At least there’s still a chance……right?

  1042. Me! Me me me! I want to read your book, while I listen to you read it. And you’re not coming to Canada, so it should really be one of us you send a package to. And you can totally keep your cat butt, I’ve got little kids, they are just as gross.

    And congratulations! 🙂

  1043. Ok, so there I am waiting in the doctor’s office with my son for his check-up, and I pick up Ladies Home Journal and start flipping through when I come to…Beyonce!! I proceeded to show the entire staff at the office the hilarious entry and made them promise they would visit the blog because I knew they wouldn’t be disappointed!
    And congratulations on the book…I can’t wait to buy it here in Alabama and share with my book club!!

  1046. Yay! And you’re coming to Dallas!! You have no idea how happy you just made both me and my guy. 😀

    I suppose I can live without the cat butt, since we have two of those already, plus a bird butt…

  1047. aww, i was hoping to win the cat butt. or the upholstery. or the whole cat, with the upholstery.
    well, the book is pretty damned awesome, too. yeehaw!

  1048. I am “stoked” that the release date is fast approaching. Can’t wait to get my copy!! Come to SD – we have Mount Rushmore!?!?!

  1050. Congrats! I love your blog and I will get your book when it comes out, but would love to get an autographed copy too.

  1052. Come to Cincinnati! It’s not so bad here. Congrats on the book. I can’t wait!

  1053. I am SO excited for you! I feel like I have been waiting forever, and I haven’t even had to work or worry like you have. Big congrats!

    PS-Atlanta is lovely in the Spring, and I make excellent blueberry pancakes…unless you are allergic to blueberries…or pancakes…in which case I’ll send out for special meals.

  1055. I’m coming from Corpus to San Antonio to see you. If I bring an amazing OOAK art doll for you would it earn me a few extra minutes at the signing table? What about some variety of dead, stuffed, critter? I’ll do anything. Can’t wait until next month.

  1056. Living in Texas I thought for sure I would get to see you at a book tour, but I will be out of town the second half of April. NOOOOOOO!! Please tell me you will do something else awesome like this. I am begging you to be at the Texas Book Festival at the end of October.

  1060. Ahh, so exciting! I already have my own cat butt (and two guinea pig butts), so really all I need is a signed copy of your book to complete the presentation.

  1061. Knowing I’ll not be able to making it to your book signings makes me so sad : ( … Living far from big cities sucks. Can’t wait to read your book. Soooooooooo excited!

  1063. Here’s hoping for a freebie…also hoping for more details on your stop in Dallas. It’s a big city, it’ll take me more than 1 day to find you.

  1064. I’ll def come see you in Houston. Gotta support the home town girls! BTW Beyonce and “cluck cluck mo fo” has become a thing between my fiance and I. <3 you!

  1065. I so desperately need this book. And by desperately I mean, well…desperately. ;-D Kudos on the upcoming (read: SHIT COOL!) book tour, btw!

  1069. Jenny, that is SO AMAZING. I can’t wait to read it, and luuuurved the trailer. So happy for you, lady.

    I knew you wouldn’t be coming up to visit us in the baking-hot north, but I’m still a little sad to see it written down.

  1081. I’m so happy for you! If only my damned teleporter worked! Prp tip: never nuy from a super -scientists’ garage sale, they always rip you off.

  1086. Votes for a stop in ATL!! Georgia would show some serious love for The Bloggess.

  1088. I can’t wait! Although I will buy a copy of it anyway. Gotta keep supporting your taxidermy habit, right? 🙂

  1090. Winning would make my dreams come true! And TRY not to worry about your tour. You can’t help but be awesome if you just get up there and be yourself. Pretend you are talking to a room full of people who adore you, because you will be.

  1092. Well, now I know what I’m doing April 17th.
    I just have to find a way to stop pretending to be a lawyer for the day.

  1093. OMG- pretty please enter me into the raffle for the signed book. If I win I promise to give my pre-ordered book to another person and thus spread the gospel of The Bloggess!

  1095. I’m so excited for your book! The little text at the bottom of the graphic says “More locations might be coming soon.” So if it helps I vote you come out to Chicago, I would totally come see you!

  1100. AWESOME!!! I wish you were coming to Des Moines. We’d love for you to visit!

  1101. Uh, hello? Where is CHICAGO on that list?? Hmmmm????

    I would DIE for an early copy of the book OR the CD. OMG. Wait. Do you have a Southern accent? Because that would be even better than the way you sound in my head. Hahahahahaha

  1103. Congrats! Now, maybe a trip to the Midwest??? Book is pre-ordered and a bunch of my friends and I have it as our next “book club” book to read!

  1105. I WANT ONE!!! … and , I think you should come to Orlando because I am convinced we would become best friends.

  1111. Wish I lived somewhere that enabled me to meet you! So excited to get my copy in April!

  1117. I wish you were coming to St. Louis!! Also this comment is so I can potentially win that autographed copy. So happy for you!

  1120. Come to Wisconsin! Or heck, even Chicago would be close enough, I would definitely make the 4 hour trip for you! Can’t wait for the book!

  1121. First, please count me in as an entry for the signed book! I can’t wait to read it!

    Second, consider adding Chicago and/or Indianapolis to the list. They are both big cities (really, they are. I promise). If you come to Chicago, I’ll even crawl the 3-hours there from Indy. Or however long it would take to actually crawl.

  1123. Yay! You are coming to San Francisco! It is totally okay if you just want to sit in a bathroom in San Francisco and call it a day. Just knowing you hung out in an SF bathroom is enough to say “successful tour!” to your fans!!

  1124. congrats on the book…that is so exciting…I can’t even imagine how that must feel. Well I’m looking forward to getting your book..I believe the day it comes out is my birthday…I told my husband that it would be a perfect birthday gift for me…I’m definitely going to come see you when you come to Dallas even though I live in Denton.

  1126. I sincerely hope this is just the smallish tour and you’re really coming closer to TN. Granted, it’s like the allergy capitol of the states, but, I mean, JACK DANIELS. I could totally hook that shit up.
    I pre-ordered a while back and have been not-so-patiently waiting for the wonder that is your book to come out the week after my birthday. It NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDS your signature!

  1127. I’ve had your book pre-ordered since before the dawn of man … er, I mean the dawn of WOMAN. Shouldn’t that count for something?

    Oh, and please … pleasepleasepleaseplease come to Ann Arbor on tour!!! We have taxidermists *and* enough college students to stuff a Trojan horse!

  1128. I’ve pre-ordered and perfectly willing to pay so don’t pick me!
    But please add a tour date somewhere closer to Nebraska, please? There’s only one rest stop in all of Oklahoma, and I just can’t make a drive to Texas work for that reason.

  1130. I would totally show up for your tour, but you aren’t going to be anywhere near me!! >_<
    Don't worry though, you can make it up to me with that free autographed copy since I can't get you to autograph the copy I already bought. 😀

    PS – If you want to add more stops on your tour, I hear Norfolk, VA is an awesome place to go. Just sayin'.

  1131. It would be kinda awesome if your big news is that you were pregnant…. But I bet the book feels like a baby anyways! Congratulations on being awesome!

  1132. Come to Denver, Come to DENVER, COME TO DENVER!!!! We have awesome things, like Peyton Manning! (I really have no clue if he really is an awesome thing, but everyone is talking about him and says it’s awesome so I thought I would, too.) 😀

  1137. Please come to Philly!!!! If I were to get your audio book, I could only listen to it at home. I might drive off the road if I listened in my car and I can’t find my earbuds, so train and office listening are also out 🙂 But please please please come to Philly.

  1138. Please come to Virginia?! PLEASE. PRETTY PLEASE!? I sort of kind of NEED to meet your brilliance in person.

  1139. Bounces with you!!! You have every right to be excited and we are all excited with you!

  1140. I was all in until you said the cat butt wasn’t part of the deal. Now I’m if-fy. AT BEST.

    You should add Kansas City to your tour list. Then you can put a big ole check mark on your bucket list item of ‘visiting the bung hole of America.’

  1141. OMG! I just love your blog and have your book pre-ordered on Kindle since last year but wouldn’t it be great to have a autographed copy!! I will give my kindle book to one of my friends who is also a great fan 🙂

  1143. You’re going from TX to NY and not even swinging through NC?! Come to Raleigh..we have some great bbq! I’m glad you cleared up the cat butt issue because I was going to ask. There’s a shortage of cat butts in the house if you ask me. If you ask my husband, he’d say there’s a surplus…but it’s not like I was even asking for the whole cat..just the butt and that should totally be ok, right?

  1144. Yay! You’re coming to Dallas! I can’t wait. I will wear my Unicorn Success Club shirt. This is so awesome! Congrats, Jenny, you deserve it all!

  1146. I, too, think you need to make a stop in Boston. Well, Brookline, at the Brookline Booksmith. I have a feeling you’d draw a pretty good crowd. I would go.

    Also, I’m excited to read your book!

  1147. COME TO DC!!!! No book tour is complete without a trip to the nation’s capital, am I right?? All the other authors are doing it 😉

    CONGRATS! So excited for the book to come out! (Or if I’m lucky, to come signed to my mailbox!)

  1149. I’ve ordered the Kindle version but would love a real live autographed book for my daughter, who loves you too! Randomly pick me, please.

  1152. OMG! That is exciting news! I can’t wait for my pre-ordered copy to arrive (and the bookplate)!

  1153. Woot!! So excited! AND, another reason to love you even more? You mentioned Bon Jovi!! Damn, I wish you were coming to Seattle!! COME UP PLEASE!!! Oh, and congratulations!!!

  1155. I want the cat butt! Also, you should come to Des Moines. I officially have like 5-6 people that would come to see you!

    Wait! I just saw that Megan #1056 is also in Des Moines…so make that 6-7 people!!!

  1156. This is a book I will read!!! Gave my friend a beyonce t-shirt and mug for her birthday–Best birthday gifts EVAHHH.

  1157. truly truly awesome! You’ll have to practice saying ” Why yes, I am Jenny Lawson, famous author” in a faux-modest but faintly condescending tone. I know you can do it if you try.

  1161. That’s so cool. I am so sad that I live in China and that I couldn’t get one with a signed plate thing.

    I pre-ordered one for my friend but not for myself because apparently I am an idiot.

  1163. Come to the DC area! We have traffic! And jailbird George Clooney. Well, not anymore. But we did!

    Congrats on the book and audio book!

  1165. I hope you add some dates in Florida. It’s awesome here, you should totally come!
    P.S. Pick ME! PICK ME!

  1166. If I could afford it I’d order 20 of your books and hand them to randam people, just to brighten their day 😀

  1167. Aw! No place close to me. Otherwise, I totally would have come to meet you. Planning my red dress photo shoot for the spring. Can’t wait! Congrats on the book. Looking forward to reading it.

  1168. Congrats! I totally wish your tour was coming closer to where I live… wait… I totally wish I lived somewhere less lame. 😀 That is it…. 😀 Seriously though, congrats! I can’t wait to read it. 🙂

  1169. I pre-ordered your book but would gladly give that one away should I get the autographed copy. I’d give the audio book away too, but only after we read the book together.

    Also, since the real cat butt is yours, can the picture be autographed by hairy cat butt and sent out as well?

    So happy for you!

  1170. I can not wait to read it!!! Waiting patiently. Ok maybe patiently is a little bit of a lie. Just a little bit….

  1171. OHMYGOD!!!! Cannot wait for the book to come out! Congratulations and hope it’s on the best seller list in no time. Pretty please consider adding Atlanta to your book tour. You won’t regret it!!!

  1172. Cannot wait for book to arrive!!! Will also be ordering the audio for my husband! Please add Richmond, VA to your list!!!!

  1173. Come to Indianapolis, PLEASE. We’ll provide the soothers for your nerves 🙂

  1176. I already pre-ordered a copy but if I win I will give that one to my daughter in law and keep the autographed copy for myself!

  1178. Will the book come complete with cat tail as pictured above? I jest…but I’m so excited to hear that your book has ARRIVED!!!

  1179. Congratulations! You totally deserve it and I can’t wait to red your book! 😀

  1180. Ok, Megan was #1056 when I was reading…now is #1082. Whatever. Point is, Des Moines will riot if you stand us up and you DO NOT. WANT. A DES MOINES. RIOT.

  1182. Does the cat tail come with the book because I have always wanted a cat tail!

  1183. I JUST finished reading the ARC a few moments ago, and I immediately wrote a mini-review on Goodreads. The whole time I read it, I thought of my favorite people who would laugh t all the same parts, so before I even finished the book, I pre-ordered it for one of my favorite people as a surprise. And I just wanted to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for writing something that touched me – in a totally consensual way. http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/297347307

  1187. YAY!!!! Can’t wait to read it. Especially since you aren’t coming to Washington, DC and I won’t get to meet you in person. It’s ok, I’ll just pout. Not that it will matter since you won’t see me doing it. If you did come to DC I promise I’d wear my Double Unicorn Success Club t-shirt to your book signing. (Yeah, I bribe, so what?).

  1189. Soooo excited to read your book!!! I’m a new fan as of the first Beyonce post, but a rabid, cackling, read-as-soon-as-its-posted fan….

  1190. Sadly I am in Canadia so miss the live tour, but book/audiobook? am so there.

  1191. JENNY! Wai you no come to Chicago? If you did, I would totally bring you cookies laced with xanax to make you feel better.

  1192. Please come to Rochester, NY. We may have lost Kodak forever, but we could have you for an hour. Plus, I promise to personally escort you to Beers of the World and Dinosaur BBQ. 🙂

  1197. There is a conspicuous lack of an Atlanta date on that list! I also can’t help but worry about you – is a tour going to be really hard on your nerves?? I’m sure you’ll ROCK IT OUT, but don’t push yourself too hard!

  1198. Thank you for making me laugh, so very often!!!

    (Leaving a comment this week so I will be randomly selected to win the autographed copy of your book and of the audiobook too!)

  1200. YAY! Congratulations! Can’t wait to get a copy!

    I hope all your book tour events are held in the bathrooms of the Barnes and Nobles and whatnot. And they should be BYOWS (Bring Your Own Wine Slushy).

  1201. Come to Ohio! We have corn fields! And….well that’s about it really.

    You should bring Beyonce. I would totally pay to take a picture with her!

  1202. I think i deserve a signed copy of your book for three reasons:
    1. You aren’t bringing the tour to Australia
    2. The signed bookplates aren’t available in Australia 🙁
    3. I am awesome

    That is all

  1204. You freaked out in your post? I didn’t notice at all, I thought you were quite laid back about your book coming out. I however am freaking out with excitement that I can order it from the UK, whoop!!

  1205. Yay! I’ll buy a new bic to light just for your tour! Come to Little Rock! We’ll need better scandals than Clinton.

  1208. OMG – I MUST win this book! Life without it would be like life without twine – and that would be sad. But I’m happy! Yay happy!!

  1210. So when’s the international tour? Though we Brits have smaller bathrooms…

  1212. Would love to see you in Dallas….let us know which bathroom you will be in so we can bring wine slushies. Congratulations on the book and the tour! You should be excited, it is a big damn deal!!

  1213. Where’s the love for the Midwest? 🙁

    Also, if I win can you include at least a photo of the cat butt? I totally understand not wanting to part with the actual cat butt, but still . . . including it in the photo and not in the actual prize is a bit of a bait and switch, no?

  1215. Sharks off the coast of NC, also…That and you have kind of a fan base in the Raleigh area…but we’d take you to look for sharks if you came here.

    Congrats! I can’t wait to get my copy!

  1218. Disappointed that Colorado isn’t on the book tour, but endlessly amused that my Mom’s small hometown of San Angelo, TX is. Thanks for always keeping us guessing, dear lady!

  1219. Woohoooooo!!! So excited for you!
    Your release date is on my calendar. 🙂

    If you decide to hit out-of-the-way, rural bookstores on your tour, I have just the place for you here in Upper Michigan! xoxo

  1220. Yay! Can’t wait to get my copy! Pretty, pretty please please come to Chicago! It’s a big city but it’s friendly and I would love to meet you!

  1221. I am so excited. Cannot wait for next month. Super sad that you will not be making a stop in Minnesota though….come on now… we have the Mall of America for crying out loud!

  1222. But what if I wanted the cat butt, too? Will you still enter me in the drawing, (I understand that Ferris’ furry friend can’t come home with me if I win)?

  1224. I think I’ve personally sold hundreds of copies of your book by raving about it to my friends. Well, I don’t have that many friends, so many of them were innocent bystanders, but you get the picture.

    See you in San Antonio!

  1226. Detroit would be a great place to visit- just bring your gun, mace and your own security- the city is kind of out of funding for real rock star protection. It would be a great place for publicity shots with the pan handlers outside of the casinos – charity shots always make the news. Get your free publicity where you can – lol!

  1228. Congratulations! I always knew you had it in you to do great things!

    Now, since you have become so wildly successful, do you think you could get your new butler to dust the top of the credenza? Also, no more Costco tuna. I swear the dolphin in it gives me a headache.

  1229. OMG! I’m so happy for you and even happier that you’re coming to NY the day after my birthday! I’m going to try my damnedest to come and see you. This is fricking awesome!

  1232. Oh man! This is yet another reason why I’m reconsidering my move away from Los Angeles. Because I’m nowhere near any of your tour locations but I would have LOVED to go.

  1234. what, you aren’t coming to Middlebury, VT? we have a tattoo parlor and everything, much to the town fathers’ chagrin! would love a copy of your book since you’ve made me laugh so hard I’ve cried several time. and in book form, that’d be awesome.

  1235. Excellent! The only thing left now is trying to figure out who will play you in the movie adaptation!

  1237. Can’t you add New Orleans to your tour? Come on, it”d be very neighborly (since Texas is right next door) & since everyone here is drunk, medicated, or otherwise impaired, you’d fit right in.

  1240. CONGRATULATIONS! Oh I know you have to be on the moon right now! I’m so glad I went ahead and got the hardcover instead of the ebook for my nook….can’t wait for it to get here! Wish you were coming to NC on your tour, we’re awesome and you can try some NC barbeque instead of that Texas stuff!!!
    Love and heartfelt congrats!

  1241. Come to Madison, Wis! Really, it’s quite lovely…in the summer. Or Milwaukee…or even Chicago? (Note: I’d do a lot of screaming of my own if I won the autographed copy of the book!)

  1244. Oh, Jenny!! Please come to Nashville. The bathroom at BB King’s blues club is nice and you can hear the music well. The bathrooms at honky-tonks on Broadway could be an issue, though.

    If you’d rather go for classy, my husband works for the Nashville Symphony and their bathrooms are kick ass. We can get in there anytime. I think one of them even has a couch.

    I will keep scouting locations for us to hang out. Until you tell me otherwise, I assume we are best friends. Also, I have intermittent, selective hearing loss, so I might not hear you if you do tell me otherwise. So we are best friends now and forever.

    In the meantime, please pick me for the giveaway! I drive 40 minutes to school (each way) and get bored. With you, I will never be bored. xoxo, bestie!

  1248. Oh how I wish your book tour would make a stop in or near Detroit/Chicago/Gary, Indiana/any place in the midwest because I would totes call in sick to work to see that shit. TOTES.

  1250. Come to Iowa… NOTHING says BIG CHICKENS like Iowa!!!! Eeeeek!!! I’m sooooooooo excited for you and I cannot wait to get my hands on MY book!!!! *HUGER HUGS*

  1251. That is so incredibly fabulous! I’m so proud of you and excited for you as well. Good luck on your tour. Try not to geek out too much and enjoy it instead. (((Jenny)))

  1252. Wowza! That’s so very exciting. I can’t wait to get my scaly, winter dried hands on a copy of that shit! And by shit I mean, you know, an awesome story?

  1253. You must be Over the Moon! Congrats on such an accomplishment … let’s pretend I am patting your back and giving you big hugs!

    This is ever so exciting news, and you deserve it!

    Ginny

  1254. Congratulations!!! There is more to the east coast than just NY! Come to DC! We have lots of things (politicians) to make you laugh (or cry)!

  1255. Congratulations on your book!!! I canNOT wait to read it! Thank you for all your inspiration!
    Have a super cool and wonderful week and hopefully I’ll get to meet you in New York!

  1256. OMG! I want to win this so hard! Also…please please please come to Kansas…I know, there is nothing in Kansas (there is, I swear)…but PLEASE COME ANYWAY. I promise you have lots of adoring fans here!

  1258. C A N A D A!!!!!!!!!!! We need you to take your tour “international” please and thanks!!!!!!! Super wxcited bought two copies on amazon…one for me and one for a friend who needs YOU in their lives….would love the audio book!!!
    Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!

  1259. Already have my copy ordered, but would love to win an autographed copy and the audiobook. I have been telling everyone I know to buy your book, both real people and all my pretend internet friends. I hope against hope the Jennypalooza tour will make a stop in Kansas City, or somewhere in the immediate area.

  1261. You are coming to a city only 5 hours away which means I am soooooo going!! I hope you found a big enough bathroom in Dallas.

  1262. Doing the happy dance for you !! I just wish you would come to Atlanta but I understand. Congratulations on your book and audio book. i am getting mine on my Kindle ~~

  1263. I hope I win! I’d love for you to come to the Tulsa area. We will be really nice and bring you a margarita or four in case you get nervous!

  1264. Congrats! I pre-ordered mine long ago…I want to get one for my sister too, but for some reason she HATES hardbacks. Won’t read them! Weirdo………………

  1265. A grand accomplishment, indeed. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read it 🙂

  1266. Come to New Orleans and my book group will take you out for lunch … or coffee … or taxidermied pet shopping on Magazine Street. Whatever you’re in the mood for. Very excited for you and would REALLY love to win your book and bookplate for a special friend of mine … cause I already ordered mine!

    Also, please know I have no designs on your cat butt. We already have a pretty active one here, except ours is orange.

  1267. Come to OMAHA! We have lots of places for you to look for characters in the next book!

  1268. OMGICANTWAITUNTILYOURBOOKISATMYHOUSE! Alas, your tour stops nowhere near here. 🙁

  1269. Ahhh. Using a cat butt to show “scale.” Brilliant. I now know exactly what size your book is.
    Very excited to read the book! Congratulations! Thrilled for you!

  1271. Congrats to you!! I cannot wait to get my copy!! I’m hoping Detroit will be a tour possibility…..

  1272. GAH! Congratulations! So awesome. I can’t wait to get my copy. Wish I could make it to the NYC tour stop, but I can’t 🙁

    Yay you!!!

  1274. Can’t wait to read the book! If you go on a book tour, how is everyone going to fit in the bathroom with you?

  1275. Please, please, please come somewhere in the southeast. Pretty please, with a cherry on top!

  1276. Thank you for all your inspiration! Can’t WAIT to read it!
    Have a super cool and wonderful week and hopefully I’ll get to meet you in New York!

  1277. Soooo happy for you! But a little disappointed for me. Why isn’t Wisconsin on your book tour? We’re kind of a big deal. :OP I wonder if I can convince my husband that a trip to New York is in order?

  1278. Yay! I can’t wait for the book to come out next month! Also, come to Orlando. =)

  1280. How exciting! Congrats! And you’ve probably received roughly 785 “Come to….” messages, but stop by Seattle, will you? We love books and funny people here. 🙂

  1281. Hurray!!!! I’ve been haunting audible for the audio version. Some authors should never read their own stuff, but I’m so looking forward to your unique quirkaliciousness read in your own voice.
    I’m so pleased for you. Enjoy this time as much as you can.
    best wishes and hugs,
    PW

  1282. No stop in Washington? (single tear streams down cheek). I still heart you.

  1283. I would love to win the book for my husband, to give to him on our 15th Anniversary in a couple months. I’m expecting a giant metal chicken from him. I’ve been dropping hints… “Honey, remember, fifteen years is GIANT METAL CHICKEN.”

    And pleeeeeease come to Phoenix. We need some humor in this humorless town. Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe (I know, not Phoenix but close enough) would be the PERFECT venue for a local signing!

  1289. Holy Shitsnacks. WANT! But that cat butt should be included too. Or Ferris Mewler, either way.

    Oh, and if you come to Florida, I’d totally come see you. Dressed in some kind of taxidermied animal suit that I would totes give to you afterwards. Then we could go have some drinks and stalk Wil Wheaton on Twitter together. Best. Date. Ever.

    XXOXO
    Jenn

  1295. If you WEREN’T screaming with excitement, I would think there’s something wrong with you. 🙂 this is A Really Big Deal. I can’t wait to read it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1296. I’ve enjoyed your posts from that first day when I read the story of one fine metal chicken. You have made me realize it is ok to fight with my boyfriend about ridiculous things and then get back at him by making him wear a tiny green hat on St. Patrick’s Day. Can’t wait to read your book!

  1297. Oh my goodness! I am so so excited and so so so happy for you! I love reading books, but I am debating the audio book because you would be reading YOUR book to ME! 🙂 I love everything you do. Please never change(unless you change by turning even more awesome[even though I don’t think you could become more awesome]).

  1299. I’m so excited! And also should not be nearly surprised as I am by the numerous references to the cat butt. I love my fellow readers almost as much as we love you. Bunch of freaking weirdos. Best people I never met.

  1300. You forgot to mention Boston!!! I’m pretty sure I have my office reading your blog after I plastered my office with the Beyonce cutout!

  1301. I’m freaking out because you’ll be in Houston, and I live Near Houston. So I could totally be there for that, except my own issues mean I’ll probably hem and haw about going, decide to go at the last minute and chicken out at the parking lot.

  1303. I really hope this book has something about garden nomes in it…somewhere.

  1305. You need to come to Missouri! And I want to win that book! Then I will lord it over all of my friends and develop the perfect evil laugh.

  1306. Congratulations! You should totally come to Asheville, North Carolina! Because we are awesome laid-back hippies who wouldn’t make you anxious at all.

  1308. April 24 – Houston…it’s on my calendar and I’ll be there with bells on! I already pre-ordered your book, but I think this is a good excuse to buy another one and give the other to someone as a gift. Why? Because EVERYONE should own this book. (Plus I work for an author’s association and have a slight addiction to books.) I’m also in need of your audio book because I’m 18 weeks pregnant, and the Houston traffic makes me want to hurt people. Listening to your audio book on the way to work could save lives. In other words…I NEED your audio book, and so does Houston. To summarize…CONGRATULATIONS!!!

  1310. At least nine Oklahomans are very sad you won’t be coming this way, but we are very excited to read your book.
    (See The Bloggess’ Shiv Wielding Dark Army: Oklahoma Division on Facebook).

  1311. I have been quietly loving you for years…..but had to break out of my quietness to say OMG – THIS IS SO AWESOME – you make so many of us laugh when we didn’t think we could and it is so wonderful to see you this excited!!!

  1312. Well shit. You’re not going to be anywhere near me. Although “more details coming” gives me some small hope, but really, what are the odds you’ll make it to this tiny little town in Massachusetts? *le sigh*

    I’ve already pre-ordered your book but I’m a bit of a slut for autographed copies.

  1313. That has got to be the most awesome thing I’ve seen this decade. And that’s saying something, since I have a giraffe tail hair in my dresser drawer from a goth convention I went to last year. *nods*

  1314. What? No NC dates?? We have wine slushies too, ya know! And I’d be happy to have my brother kill, stuff and mount a squirrel with a nutsack flashing others if you would come our way. What could be better than wine slushies and squirrel balls? Please come to NC! Can’t wait to read this book…

  1315. Would LOVE to see you…come to Virginia Beach…Virginia is for Lovers…you and Victor would have a blast! 🙂

  1316. Congrats!
    San Fran…think I might just have to come by to prove to myself that you really exist!

    What’s the over/under on linear feet of twine that people will try to give you during the tour?
    8 cities, what 20-30 feet of twine per city? Help me out here.

  1318. I am sorry to see that we will miss each other in San Antonio by a month. You should come to Nebraska- most of us have indoor plumbing now.

  1319. Congrats!! That’s really awesome. Love the cover. And the cat butt. 🙂

  1320. Congratulations! Too bad Boston isn’t on your tour, I would have been first in line!

  1321. WANT. You make me laugh. Out loud. Like really. Not like “wan smile” and type LOL. But actually guffaw. I make that sound, too. I go “Guffaw!” And people ask what I’m laughing at. Or if I’m having a stroke.

  1322. I can’t wait to read your book! When I was looking at books Coming Soon at BarnesandNoble.com, your book was there on the main page and it was awesome!

  1324. Congratulations on having a book in print! How very exciting for you! And well deserved, since you are a good writer to boot.

  1325. Freaking out is totally appropriate!! So is happy dancing and running in small circles while screaming, etc. It’s all good when something this big happens! I, too wish your book tour included my town, but I’ll look forward to reading about the stops everywhere else. I’m sure there will be amazing tales to tell. And, oh, would love to win the book but will be reading it regardless!

  1326. Come to South Florida! Its beautiful, we have great beaches, lots of booze, and alligators. Plus, I’m totally geeking out with you about your book release. I’d love an autographed copy!

  1328. Congrats!! Though, can’t make it to any of the appearances…..there should be some Midwest states added.

  1329. YAY! If you want to come to MO I will make you nachos! As a former HR exec, I was crying yesterday when I read the preview of Ch. 15! HILARIOUS!

  1330. Your book is definitely ‘FREAK OUT WORTHY’ 🙂 Congratulations!!

    and please do remember to tell us about the awesome sharks sometime 😉

  1331. I am excited for you, and for readers everywhere!
    Madly hoping for you to come and do an appearance or two in Canada. Just think, the farther north you go, the more weird taxidermy you can find. And I am sure that Juanita wants her picture taken in front of the CN Tower.

  1332. Congrats!!! If only you would come to CT or RI – I would be furiously happy

  1333. So what about the SHARKS? Geeze… you can’t just tease a guy like that!

  1334. CONGRATS Jenny! You have successfully accomplished something that is on my bucket list- publishing a book. Now, if you want to head to VA, I am sure we can find you an awesomely taxidermied Honey-Badger or other such assortment of stuffed critters!

  1335. Congratulations!
    You need to swing through the Southeast sometime too!

  1336. 2 days in CA and 4 days in TX but no love for Phoenix? I’m pretty sure I could convince the other 9 people that know how to read to come meet you if you stopped by on the way through.

  1337. Come to Atlanta! We have pollen. And um, something that’s good probably.
    The Coca Cola museum- we have that!

  1338. OHIO! Please come to Ohio. Or at least Pittsburgh. I am in the process of coming up with legit bribes for an Ohio/Pittsburgh stop.

  1339. Aww man! Moved from San Antonio just over a year ago. Sending a friend or 2 or 3 in my place. Can’t wait to read your book. Thanks for all the laughs!

  1340. I am so excited to see you in Dallas! I have already started organizing a girls night for it! You are like my amazing spirit animal. You are who I would like to be if I was not crippled with self doubt. I am so excited for you!

  1343. I can not wait to read the book.

    Or listen to it.

    To be honest, I’ll take which ever option is quickest at my local library because I’ve just returned to work so I’m still cheap.

    Or maybe I’ll ask for it for my birthday which is coming up. Then my mom can buy it and support your taxidermy habit. Look at us, enabling you!

  1344. If you can’t come to Tampa and I don’t win the book and audio….can I have the cat’s butt?

  1346. Your book is at the top of my wishlist. 🙂 I can’t wait until I get my copy!!

  1347. I live in Australia – no book tour for me 🙁 Take pity! Well done with the book release, geek out all you want – I would!

  1349. Jenny, congrats on the book!!! I can’t wait for my copy!!! Can you please, please, PLEASE come to Toronto? I promise we will treat you really well!

  1350. Thanks for the smiles, Jenny. This is the stuff that’s kept me afloat. I lost my mother the 17th of February and am helping my ex wage war against stage IV colon cancer. The smiles mean a lot right now. Your posts help; I’m grateful. Thanks again.

  1352. I really wish I could fly to Houston to visit my mom next month just so I could go to your book tour stop.

  1353. Congrats on your book. I am looking forward to reading it. Deep breaths girl. All will be well

  1354. I would totally come see you but I’m in Canada and it looks like you’re not coming up here 🙁 Oh, well. One can only hope your schedule changes to add a visit!

  1355. Well, shit. You won’t be anywhere near me. Not that I do well with crowds anyway, but I totally would have fully medicated myself to come and see you!

  1356. OMG that’s so exciting!
    congratulations Jenny!
    (I would love a copy, but if i don’t win one, it’s ok, i’ll buy one!)

  1357. PICK ME for your book or audio book!! LOL
    also , you should bring your bad self up to Canada!! all the cool bad asses hang out here! 🙂

  1358. Yay!! You are coming to Austin!! Of course you know this, but reaffirmation never hurts, right?!? Can’t wait for the book…see you soon!

  1359. Come to North Carolina! We have beach and warms without huge amounts of heat! Its the only way I’ll get to come to the tour!! I’ll buy you a wine slushy…and a taxidermied animal of some sort…(Its North Carolina. Someone’s got one some where…)

  1360. That is so exciting! You should come to Seattle. It’s pretty =) I would also totally come to meet you because you’re awesome and make me laugh even when I’ve had the worst day.

  1361. oooooh if you end up near Columbus, Ohio I would totally come to see you. Can’t wait to read your book!

  1362. Awesome! Another favorite writer of mine is coming to Houston on the 20th. I may have geeky author overload! Can’t wait for the book. 🙂

  1364. You need to hit the Boston area! It’s not nearly as dreary as it was a month ago. Im waiting (im)patiently for my pre-ordered copy.

  1365. Your book comes out the same day Christopher Moore is at my awesome local independent book store, Chester County Book and Music Company, so I am planning on buying it from them. What a great coincidence!

  1366. Can not wait to read this. I haven’t been this excited to read a book in…well…let’s just say it’s been awhile. Books have been limited to under 10 page toddler books for awhile.

    And come to Columbus, OH! We CBus bloggers know how to show someone in town for a book signing a good time.

  1367. Can’t wait to read the book! You have become an idol to my girlfriends and I. We tell EVERYONE about you . . . even random strangers in Joann Fabrics! Disappointed in the tour . . . no stops in the midwest? Guess we will just have to continue our plan to stalk you at your home in Texas instead. 🙂 Cheers!

  1368. Amazing! Congratulations, you certainly deserve to celebrate. And freak out. 🙂

  1369. Uhmmm, I’m torn.

    I need an awesome book for my flight to Florida next month, but worry if I am giggle-snort-guffawing from way back in steerage (cuz I’m classy), that TSA/some air marshall will tackle/strip search me and I will miss the wedding and it will all be Jenny’s fault (isn’t it always, though?).

    I think I’ll take my chances.

  1370. Congratulations! I am looking forward to reading your book. Thanks in advance for the laughs.

  1373. YAY! Congrats on the tour. Since we live in Houston, I am definitely going to go! Can’t wait!

  1374. I wish I could come to the NYC thing!!! You’ll be amazing!! Can’t wait for the book!

  1375. Congratulations! I hope they add Chicago to the tour. You can hide in my bathroom!

  1376. Can’t wait to get my greedy little hands on it! Thanks for making my work days better with your posts! 🙂 Enjoyt he success, you deserve it!

  1378. OMG OMG OMG! I’M FREAKING OUT FOR YOU! So Exciting, I can’t wait to read it.

  1379. That was a lot of comments to scroll through so my hand is tired, but CONGRATULATIONS! THAT IS SO AWESOME…except for me since I live in Orlando and won’t be able to come see you in person. It looks like you might have to add more cities to your tour.

  1381. You should be freaking excited…I would be! Congrats! I can’t wait…although somebody commented above, and I agree, I’m a little sad that it’s the kindle version because the hard copy is beautiful! Except that I get to read it sooner! I’m so excited!

  1386. Yay, Jenny! You must be over the moon with excitement!! Best wishes for an awesome book tour (which is incomplete without a visit to Toronto, I have to say)!

  1387. That is awesome. Full stop, no addendum, AWESOME. Now, if only you were coming to Chicago or Milwaukee or somewhere within driving distance of me, this day would get even better.

  1389. omgodjenny! that is amazing! i so wish i could some see you, but i’m not close to any of those places 🙁

    come to canada jenny… we all love you here!

    plus… maybe you could find a taxidermied beaver? or canada goose?

    please?!

  1393. I love you. I want to love you more by learning more personal information about some chick I’ve never met. That’s not stalkerish, is it?

  1394. Hook me up. Beyonce wants you to give me this book. So does Victor. He really does, he just doesn’t know it yet.

  1395. I wish you could come to Bakersfield, CA. If you brought Juanita I would make my sister come and finally convince her of the AMAZING. I would also buy you lots and lots of twine.

  1397. OH YESSSSSSS!!! I want the book… I also want you to come to Chicago! 🙂 Let’s just add that to this list.

  1398. I can not wait for your book!!! OK well i’ll be honest, audiobook….I don’t have any damn time to myself to read!!!!!

  1401. I now have my own Beyoncee, much to the dismay of my husband. It is 3 feet tall and made out of old licence plates. It still needs a name. Suggestions?

  1402. We have your book on our list of books to get for the library at which I work! I’m sooooo excited and probably going to be the first to snag it! We have this great section called the “Browsing section” with new books and bestsellers, etc (we’re an academic library, so they don’t always have a place in our regular collection–but people wanna read!), so big opportunities there too! Yay! I can’t wait to read it–probably going to end up buying a copy unless I win this one! lol. Congrats your Bloggess-ness!

  1403. I’ve already bought the book and have plans to get the audiobook from Audible if they carry it, but I would love to give this to my Mother in Law for her birthday.

    Also, since I work for an airline so I can fly free, I guess I have no excuses about getting on a plane to come to one of your signings. If all the Spring Break traffic is done and I can actually get a seat, that is.

  1406. Hey, you’ll be in San Antonio the day I leave for my honeymoon to Peru! Please do your book stop before noon that day!

  1409. Don’t pick me to win, I already pre-ordered a copy. I just wanted to say Congrats — but WHY NO LAS VEGAS? Don’t you know we are aw— wait, ok, it’s not awesome here. Some other “aw-” word… but _I_ am awesome, and I am here. 🙂

  1410. I’m proud of you. Very. And while some people might think that is weird coming from a perfect stranger, I think you’ll understand…and appreciate.

    Keep up the great work. Look how strong you’ve become.

  1411. Of course we* will be there.

    * – A group of introverted and terribly shy people who adore your writing. We’ll be the ones by the back wall not making eye contact and generally making the security people nervous.

  1412. Yippeee!!! I’m so geeky excited about this coming out. I’m glad I have a place to use the term “geeky excited” and not be judged and have people who get what that means. Thanks so much for being you!

  1413. I too purchased the Nook version last weekend.. Not knowing you would be debuting in Austin @ Book People..one of my favorite places. Needless to say, if I’m selected I will pass it along.. Congrats!! You have much to be proud. =D
    karyn

  1414. I wish I could go to one of your shows! This is what I get for moving to the other side of the globe…and the future.

  1415. Hope you’ll be able to come to the midwest too. So unbelievably excited for you!!! Can;t wait to get my book!

  1418. Hmm, I’m thinking your gonna have to do another tour, one that includes Kansas City!

  1420. Whoop whoop!!!! You have to come to the south. Specifically Opelika, AL!!!!

    Congrats! I have been waiting since Nov for this book. Come on April!!!

  1421. Honestly, I’m way more excited for the audio book *because* you read it. I don’t think I’ve ever defined my emotions about an audio book as “excited” before.

    Also, you should come further north so I could drive and see your tour. I supposed I could suggest you came to Vancouver, but no one ever comes to Canada 🙁

  1422. Several of us have started a Facebook page called The Bloggess’s Shiv Wielding Dark Army: Oklahoma Division, with the main goal of getting an OKC stop.

  1424. I cannot wait to read it, Jenny! I’m so excited.
    It actually comes out on my hubby’s birthday so this year he’s getting me a present! LOL

  1428. I wish you were coming to Cincinnati! I would love to hand my book over the bathroom stall door for a real autograph…. urgh… except I ordered it for my kindle. I will bring one of those super cool silver pens and you can sign my kindle, though! Please don’t drop it in the toilet…

  1429. Oh wow. Even though I doubt you’d send this to Austria even if you did pick me, I have to try. And even though I’ve already pre-ordered the book. If I got a signed copy, that would totally make up for not being able to get one of those bookplates… <3

  1430. I’m not surprised you’re so excited. Congratulations!

    I passed your sample chapter on to my girlfriend, and she told me to pre-order the book. I told her I already had. We may end up fighting over who gets to read it first.

    Now. When will your international tour start? I’m looking forward to seeing you in London. (That’s the real London, by the way, not one of the many copies in Canada or the US.)

  1433. Congratulations Jenny! One day when you really ARE like Bon Jovi…you can come to Australia and stay with me! Actually that kind of is living on a prayer… /lame

  1434. I know Milwaukee would be a lot to ask, but at least come to Chicago so Kayla and I can meet you!!!

  1435. Congratulations, that’s awesome!! I’d love an autographed copy even tho I already pre-ordered. 🙂 I’d also love to see you come to Chicago!! Texas is lucky to have you!

  1436. I’ve been following this with joy and amazement – it kinda feels like not only have you accomplished all this, it’s also a win for the anxiety disorder stricken (because sometimes you feel so crippled by it that you just can’t even leave the house). That’s why on top of your hilarious writing this makes me so very happy :)))

  1437. COME TO COLUMBUS, OH!!! I think the Thurber House should host you…..just sayin’!

  1438. Wish you were coming to Jacksonville, after all it’s already beach season in Florida! Oh and we have a biker ar just up the way with a gant chicken on the roof….Beyonce has a soulmate here!

    All kidding aside…congratulations on completing your book and the tour!

  1440. If you pick my post, I’ll send you a picture of me reading your book collating AND with twine! I good at multi-tasking, unlike Nathan Fillion and Will Wheaton.

  1441. YAY! Am so excited!!!!! I can’t wait to snatch it up and devour it!!! (ps if you can plllllleeeeeeeaaaaaaasssssssse come to or near Indy! Thank you!) ^_^

  1442. I cannot tell you how many times reading this blog has totally turned my day around and to see that all coming together for you is just really awesome. You deserve every ecstatic geek out moment you can get times like 1000 + a Unicorn. So many congratulations and here is to many more blog posts/books that make the internet magical. Also so bummed that Boston is not on that list of appearances or I would so be there making a fool of myself gushing and clutching your book.

  1443. Congrats! This is awesome news on all fronts! Maybe I can swing a long trip to NY..

  1444. Are you sure you don’t want to come back to the land of Mormons and Zombies?

  1447. Come close to Knoxville Tn – and I want the cat butt as well! 😉

  1448. Totally bummed you aren’t coming to Chicago. The only thing I could offer to entice you is a massage but I get the feeling that you aren’t the biggest massage fan. Maybe my friend Stacey has finally found a way to get me to Houston.

  1450. Would love the audio version to go with the hardback copy I pre-ordered! =P And Jenny, think.. West Virginia. It’s.. almost heaven. ^_^

  1451. I would love to win this, but would love more if you ventured into Alabama for a visit/tour

  1453. I am so freaking excited for you, and I can’t wait to read it. My husband’s name is Victor, and he gets so annoyed with me when I read your conversations with your Victor aloud to him…I told him if he wasn’t careful, he’d have a Beyonce.

  1455. Oooh ooh ooh! Pick me! And make Chicago a stop on your book tour. Wait, not Chicago, because I live in Aurora and I don’t want to pay for parking in the city. Come to Aurora and we’ll have the book signing at my house! Cookies for everyone!

  1457. I’ve already preordered the book and a bookplate, but cannot pass up an opportunity to get a REAL LIVE BOOK THAT HAS BEEN TOUCHED BY THE BLOGGESS.
    Wow.
    I sounded a little insane there. Please don’t judge me.

  1461. Congrats on your book. Great reason to be screaming & jumping around. Can’t wait to buy it

  1462. Not that anybody ever would…. but you should totally come to Iowa! We love you here too!

  1464. THis book is just going to be awesome! As if Ididn’t already want a copy, but then you gave us an excerpt in the last post and you gotta admit, stories like that don’t just happen overnight. It takes time to accumulate such things, and if you took over a decade to complie them? That means that you’ve probably got a ton more where that came from. WIIINNNNN!

  1465. 2 stops in California and no stops in Washington? Come to Seattle so that we too can bask in your near godly glory.

  1467. CONGRATS ON YOUR BOOK BEING BORN!! Now, my odds are 1 in 1328 of winning! By the time I hit enter I bet they’ll be even worse than that.

    If you ever come to a little podunk town in the NW part of lower Michigan – God, it’s exhausting living in a state with two parts – I’ll be there with bells on. And also tattoos. And weird jewelry.

  1468. Your cat has some crazy magical abilities. I am so happy and excited for you. I can’t wait to read your book! Congratulations.

  1469. I’m going to miss seeing you in NY by 2 days! Wah!!! Please add some stops in the southeast! You have a pretty big following among my friends in the Carolinas!

  1472. Congrats!! Such a long journey – can’t wait to see/hear the magic! 🙂

  1473. I look forward to reading this.

    By the way, thanks for being a reminder that the anxiety doesn’t have to ruin your life. Thanks for showing us we can succeed and be happy and fulfill our dreams. I had more to say, but I can’t seem to make it into a coherent thought right now (tl;dr: cold turkey off my anxiety meds).

  1477. OHMYGODJENNYLAWSON I want that autographed copy of your book! (Now I’m sorry for the screaming…)

  1478. Can’t wait to read the book!
    I don’t think there’s any chance you might come to the Netherlands?

  1479. You need more east coast dates! Also, I’ve already ordered the book, but I’d love to give a copy to my mother.

  1480. That is so super crazy exciting. I think I would poop my pants if it were me, but I am also well known for the threat of that in the first place!

  1482. I already have the book pre-ordered (it was a Christmas gift from my uber-amazing brother-in-law), but if I win, I will be able to donate that copy to my library and keep the autographed one for myself! Either way, I am very excited to read it!

  1486. You’re going to San Angelo? Seriously?
    Love, a former Wichita Falls girl who makes fun of San Angelo to feel better about myself.

  1487. I cannot wait to read your book!! I’m sure it’s going to be hilarious! I hoping to make it to NYC to see you on tour! 🙂

  1488. OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S BEYONCE – PICK ME!

    PS. I’d be less likely to give you 2 thumbs down for not seeing a Cleveland (or Columbus) tour stop if you PICK ME!

  1489. Here’s to hoping Chicago gets added because that would at least get you closer.

  1491. I should totally win this, considering your book is not for sale in Spain. If I do, it would be a proof that life is fair. Sometimes.

  1492. Yes, yes…I want to win! And you should come to San Diego. It’s nice here. It’s America’s Finest City. What’s not to like?

  1495. You know you are a rock star don’t you? Seriously, a rock star!
    I left word with the San Fransisco event that they left the “the” off your website… silly people, how does everyone not know The Bloggess?

  1497. Hey, where is Portland, OR on that list? Pacific Northwest, girl! We LOVE all things random.

  1498. So… I just pre-ordered, and then I see this post about you giving away a free SIGNED copy!?! Holy Balls! I wouldn’t normally comment because the odds of me winning something like this are about the same as my boss giving me a raise so, in other words slim to none. But I HAD to comment after this post! I am even more excited than ever to receive a copy and hope that Barnes and Noble doesn’t screw up my order or I will seriously go all ape-shit on their asses and the demise of their company will take place shortly after. But Hopefully all will end well in that i will receive the package in the next few weeks… where I will lock myself in my house for two days and read your precious work alone in silence so I can soak in each and every word. But… If the world was about to end.. and I happened to win this SIGNED copy, first I would shit myself… Second…. I will graciously donate my purchased copy to my local library so others can soak it in as well. Thank you so much for being hilarious, raunchy and sometimes completely ridiculous! I don’t feel quite so alone now! Best of luck on the tour!

  1499. Yet again reduced to pouting for being on the wrong continent. No book plate, no book tour, no book till July. Truly, there is no justice in the world!

  1500. I’m super excited you’re coming to Houston, but I’m a little sad because I preordered the book weeks ago and if I’d known you were coming on tour I would have waited to buy it at the book shop you’re coming to so I could have gotten it signed : / Oh well, maybe I’ll just have to pick up a second copy or the audiobook or something…

  1503. Congratulations! I would totally check out your tour if it came to Canada. Ontario would be specifically helpful. You are hilaaaarios

  1505. Love it – can’t wait to read it! Would love a copy 😉 every time I go to buy a new book, my kids want something (chocolate milk, a Dora DVD, etc.) and end up getting the $ instead…

  1507. Jenny, FREAK THE FREAK OUT! so happy for you and as proud as if you were my best bud or sister! Congratulations! Here’s to you, my friend! cheers!

  1509. I have a few friends who would probably knock me out to get my autographed copy. Eager to read the book – congratulations!

  1515. We would humbly request that if more tour dates get added, that Minneapolis be on the list. If need be (and even if the need not be) we are more than willing to come hang out in the bathroom with you. P.s. Ferris Mewler is also welcome with a place to crash.

  1518. that’s what she said….who ‘she’ is, I never know…anywho, Jenny, I know you probably won’t come to Canada, but if your do, can we do a Castle-Natertater-style book signing, where you sign…well whatever you want 😉 I’ll bring the twine

  1521. Come to Huntsville, AL – we have rockets! They don’t go anywhere but they are big! Sure it is the south but everyone knows southerners are the best cooks…and we aren’t so deep that you’d hear banjos in the distance…unless you’d like banjo music and then, well, God help you. Also, we love you! It is because of this great love that I would settle for you touring close by in say Atlanta or Nashville.

  1523. Total fan of you!! Would love a signed copy of your book so I can brag to everyone that I have a signed copy of a book from the craziest women in Texas!!

  1524. How exciting! I’d be freaking out too! You should come to Chapel Hill, NC…because we’re awesome.

  1526. I assume the Shark discussion will be continued at a later time. =) They ARE pretty nifty.

    Congrats, BTW. <3

  1527. Congratulations on your book!! I preordered and now cannot wait to get it after reading your excerpt you posted. I was laughing so hard that my dog, who was lying on the floor next to my feet, got annoyed then go up to go lay somewhere else. Come to Wisconsin for your book tour!!! I’d so be there!!!

  1528. Congratulations!!! I can’t wait for the book to show up on my kindle!

    If you come to Calgary (Alberta, Canada) I’ll bake you cookies!

  1529. Why aren’t you coming to the Southeast? I swear, you have fans here! I’m one! My fiance’ is one! See, there’s two!!! I am so very, very sad that the closest you’re coming to Atlanta [or Nashville! or, or … SOMETHING!] is either New York or Houston 🙁 Oh please, can’t you come closer to the Land of Decent Sweet Tea? *sigh*

  1530. I am so gonna seeyou in Houston! We can hang out in the bathroom if you get overwhelmed. So excited!!!!

  1532. This calls for Nathan Fillion to finally hook you up with that twine picture!! Beyonce demands it! 🙂 Can’t wait until you hit up Austin!

  1535. I’d love a copy of your book – I totally need a lift. My dad died unexpectedly last night – and I am shamelessly using that fact to see if I can sway you to pick me. Gah. The grief hasn’t set in yet as you can see.

  1536. Why not Oklahoma? We’re right next door, practically the same state (Texoma) and we love you here.

  1538. YAY! You are coming to Houston! I am so excited and can’t wait! Congrats.

  1542. I have been counting down the days until I can read your book! I even printed the cover and hung it on my office will with a countdown underneath. Everyone that comes in mt office just has to ask about it.

  1543. Oh my gosh! Oh my gosh! Congrats to you! Your book is coming out for my birthday, so it could be your birthday present to me! That would be AWESOME! But seriously congrats!

  1544. See now, why can’t you come to Maine? I know, I know, it’s not exactly a buzzing metropolis, but we have whoopie pies! And Moxie! (ok, forget that one) And lobster! And, and…well, me, but did I mention the lobster and whoopie pies?

    Soooo excited for your book, chica!!! ~mk

  1545. I preordered your book already. Can’t wait for it to get here!! Hope you add some Louisiana dates. We’d love to meet you. From a safe distance and in multiple small groups, of course.

  1546. No Boston. 🙁 But I would love to enjoy a copy of your book.
    Jenny, this is really, really amazing. When I think about you, and the more personal things you’ve shared with us, your imaginary BFFs, to have a book published, go on a book tour… WOW. You give the rest of us a lot of hope.
    Congrats!

  1547. What the?!! Oh, first congrats!!!!! So excited FOR you! And, I personally can’t wait to read the book. That being said..WTF?! Your tour is SKIPPING BOSTON?! Uncool. Worse than uncool. We Bostonians love you just as much as the other big cities you are visiting. So, because you are skipping us, I think you need to give the book and tape to me. I will accept it for the entire city (and promise to share it with anyone who wants to read it/listen to it once I am finished). Congrats again! Happy for you!

  1549. there’s already 1486 comments so I don’t know why I’m even bothering because I never win anything. here’s my comment anyway.

  1550. You’re coming to San Francisco! On a Friday! I’ll *so* try to be there…wherever “there” is!

  1551. SO FREAKING EXCITING!!!! Though it really should say “I’m coming for you” and one would read it in an ominous tone…

  1554. OMG! Please come to DC! You can stay at my place and hide in my bathroom anytime! I have SO many moments in my life where I would like to pretend nothing happened!

  1557. I’m so excited for your book to finally hit the shelves (and the NY Times Best Seller list:)!!!

  1559. Must have book. If I don’t win one, I will just go out and buy one, so you might as well give it to me.

  1561. I wish I could see you in Dallas, but I have school ALL DAY LONG! 🙁 Can’t wait to read it though!

  1563. SQUEEEEE! I know what everyone is getting for Christmas this year!!! (the book, not the cat butt. We have plenty of those around here already.)

  1564. I like books. I also like cat butts. I also like living close enough to New York that I can actually see authors who are cool when they do tours.

  1565. I’m so excited to read your book! Wish you were coming to our area though, bummer!

  1567. Pick me! Also, 🙁 that there’s no Florida on the tour – if you decide to come to the west coast (Clearwater area) you can hide in my bathroom – I can make it super comfy for you!

  1569. I just LOVE your blog and I can’t wait for the book to finally come out for the rest of us. If possible, may I borrow the TARDIS, the Doctor, skip the Daleks(please), and jump ahead one month and get the book?!

    PS-my mother is hooked on any and all entries regarding Beyonce…any chance you can include her more?

    PPS-congrats on the tour!!!

  1572. I am relieved to see that the cat butt wouldn’t be included. I already have four of those. I am also relieved that your book is coming out soon because I cannot wait to read it!

  1573. I don’t need your cat butt, I have one of my own. But, I would love a copy of your book. It would be great if you could add Iowa to your book tour!!

  1575. THATISSOFREAKINGAWESOME!!! You are free on April 21, you should totally “make a stop” in Tampa, FL (or Sarasota!!!) …You can come to my 30th Birth Day cookout, and you can hide inside with my BFF & myself while everyone else gets drunk around the fire outdoors! Great plan right? Where do I pick you up? 🙂

    I LOVE that you did your own audio book! <3

  1579. Why aren’t you coming to South FLorida!?! Half the women in my office would line up to meet you! WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

  1580. I will buy your book, because you a effin hilarious, but I would much rather have you give it to me :]

    [cheaps]KATE

  1582. THISISSOEXCITING!!!!!! And, I really like the cat butt, so if you decide to give that away, let me know.

  1583. Yeah! I’m so excited for my book (and bookplate) to arrive. I do see one problem though. . . I was planning on sleeping outside the bookstore for a week to make sure I could get my book signed by you, but it doesn’t look like you’ll be coming to Minneapolis 🙁

  1584. Here’s another sadface vote for no Chicago on that tour. But another awesome vote for the book and audio book! I can’t wait!

  1585. Congrats! You deserve it! You are in inspiration to all of us who struggle with things… Can’t wait to read it. When you personally mail it to me. Because I won. I can be awesome like that. But I never win anything so congrats to the winner!!!!!!!!!!!!

  1586. I’m going to get that book and my kids are going to see the cover art and say “Hey that book looks cool, what is it about?” and I’ll say “It’s a long story, but the short version is that this is not a book for children, even though there is a delightful rodent on the cover,” and then I’m going to have to only read it when they’re in bed so they stop asking me about it.

  1587. Congratulations! I can’t wait to read your book! And yay for your book tour coming to Dallas!

  1588. An autographed copy of your book?!?! That would be awesome, however your cat looks like it’s plotting to nap on that book very soon, so I should probably expect it to come with a couple of strands which would of course make it that much better because I could torment my husband with them!

  1591. No one EVER goes to San Angelo. EVER. Except now … because I’ve left …

  1592. Please please please come to the Midwest! specifically Omaha, NE. I work at a law library, so if you can think of how your book is law-related in ANY way, please tell me so I can convince them to purchase a copy for us!!!

  1593. I’m so excited to read your book! So is my husband! We only wish you were coming to Tulsa, OK!

  1594. Oh my gosh!! I’m so frickin excited!!!! Can’t wait for the book to come out. I have been trying to be patient for months! But I can’t wait anymore. April needs to hurry up and get here!

  1595. #furiouslyhappy for you. What a great moment for you when you opened that package. Would be #furiousldelighted if you could find your way to Atlanta. BTW, is Matthew Broderick’s birthday today. Combined with the arrival of your finished book & audio, today must be a national Unicorn Success Club holiday. Break out the wine slushies! Yay Jenny!

  1598. Congrats!! Just sayin’ Boston is lovely this time of year 🙂 The cat butt might interfere with the skittish dog butt I already own, so really it’s a blessing that it’s not included with the books! Can’t wait to read it.

  1599. OH I would love to have a copy of the book and audio book!!! I have a long commute and I listen to audiobooks all the time! It would definitely make my commute so much more awesome! But I may get a bit more stabby at work…. Hmmmm….Maybe I will just listen to the book on the way home instead lol

  1600. Congratulations! I am new to your blog, but I will definitely purchase the book. 🙂 Oh and I see a significant lack of the Pacific Northwest on the list. Call your people and MAKE IT SO! 😉

  1601. I am so excited for you! I know what everyone is getting for their birthday and Christmas this year! Well, not everyone, only the sexy people, so all you fly mothers get on out there and dance, dance I said! Sorry, a SNP moment.

  1602. Of course you’re not coming anywhere near me. And why would you. . .I live in Alabama. Everybody hates Alabama. They just like that effing song.

  1605. Hell. Yes. One, I could win an autographed copy of your book and that would make my head spin for days! Not like in the exorcist where it was creepy, but in a cute, owl sort of way. Two, finally living in Dallas is going to pay off because I will get to see you! Hip hip hooray!

  1609. I would love to win a copy, and I’m really hoping I get to see you when you come to Austin (on my birthday!!!)

  1610. Even if I don’t win the audiobook (nudge nudge), I am definitely going to purchase it. I _love_ that you did your own reading. The only other qualified candidate would’ve probably been Morgan Freedman. Maybe we can get him to read the sequel. The one that you haven’t promised us, but we are already waiting for. Crap, I just ended a sentence in a preposition. The one that you haven’t promised us, but we are already waiting for, bitch. There. That’s better.

  1613. I would love SO much to get an autographed copy of your book (or audiobook)…..so much. Like, so much that if you knew actually how much you might ban me from your blog because I love you so much it is creepy. (I promise that I am only SOMEWHAT creepy in real life).
    Also, I swore to only buy books on kindle from now on (due to the this-belongs-on-tv-because-damn hoarding situation going on with my books right now), but it totally doesn’t count if I WIN the book, rather than buying it, and then I can share it with all the people (after I’m done reading it……several times) because I feel it is my personal mission to spread your fan-base in Massachusetts. I can’t share kindle books. I don’t know, maybe I can, but I don’t know how. The bottom line is that a hard-copy of your book would be so amazing for SO many reasons.

    Side-note: You are my hero. Thanks for being awesome and helping me feel like I am little more awesome, even with all my issues.

  1614. I would totally come see you if you did an east coast swing! And if by chance I win this book, I plan on buying multiple copies, anyway, and distributing them EVERYWHERE!!!

  1616. CANNOT wait for this book! Wish you were coming closer to me, but so happy for you!

  1617. I wish you would come to Indianapolis. I have never left a comment before, but would love to win this prize! I love your writing.

  1618. PRETTY PLEASE! I am so happy for you! After looking at Penises in HR for 15 years, you deserve this more than anyone!

  1620. GAH! I can’t believe I have to wait another month until I can get my hands on your book! But congratulations!

    And in other news, you’re not “Coming to [me]” because I see No VA dates up there! 🙁 Sad face x 100. Buuut you’re coming to NYC, which gives me an even better excuse to go on vaca to NYC! 🙂 Happy faces x1,000,000,000

  1622. YAY!!!! I am so excited and happy for you!!!!! You should come closer to Ft. Worth- the people are waaaaay nicer than Dallas! But I would would LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, a copy of your book- you make me laugh when Im locked in the bathroom

  1623. *Sigh* My two little girl rats would totally be swooning over Hamlet von Schnitzel. They’d chew his little stuffings out (with love) and harvest his cape for bedding. The skull would be a nice touch over Pawz’s door.

  1624. I cannot wait to get m hands on a copy of this book! You should come to Boston! I know a TON of people around here that would love to see you!

  1625. i’m pretty sure once we get your book, it’s going to be story-time around my house! We love reading your stuff and then launching into our ow tirades or similar stories!

    So looking forward to this!

  1626. Congratulations!!! Thousands of CRAZY fans are wishing you well. (ha ha…)

  1629. Figures… you will be in NY when the week I’ll be in Mexico. We are like ships that are passing in the night.

    Except of course, we’ll likely be on planes and traveling during the day but otherwise….. it’s so similar!

  1630. That’s awesome! However, don’t you want to come to the GLAMOROUS and EXCITING town of Tupelo, MS?? We have…..the birthplace of elvis?…..that’s about it…..yep, that’s all i’ve got, but come anyway ok?

  1633. Congrats! Can’t wait for the book!
    PS
    Boston is fun and full of readers 🙂

  1635. OMG HOW EFFING EXCITING!! You should come to Australia as well… I wouls totally pay money to see your show… And I would totally love your book for free too (already got one on preorder so I could have one at home and one to read on the train and people would br all jealous coz my book is more famous than their stupid news paper… No signature on there! No sir!! LOL)
    Seriously congrats on the book coming out and all the best with the tour, you’re going to be awesome (and you really should come to Australia – Perth in particular) xo

  1636. YAY! You are coming to Austin, to the amazing Book People! I love it when people I love come to a book store I love. If I win, can I get the pic with Ferris Mewler’s butt? You can keep Ferris. 😉

  1638. That’s awesome. I am totally coming to NY to see you and I am dragging my sister with me! Just got my Juanita water bottle last night. Not as exciting as the book but I was pretty happy. Of course my kids (continue) to think I am insane.

  1644. Come to Portugal!!

    Ok, maybe you can’t, but your book will be coming to me at some point next month and I’m SO EXCITED FOR YOU!

  1645. I cant wait for the book to come out! The bit you posted was B-A…. Thats right, Bad. Ass. Kinda like you… and Juanita! 😉

  1646. Book on tape??? Sweet!!!… already looking for a sound system I can access from the toilet…

  1651. If you send it to mexico on Friday, I won’t be mad at you for the late release.

    What. Its not like you’re coming to Chicago or anything.

    Also, rude.

  1653. Come to Arizona…pleeeeaaaaase! Our state it is beautiful, the people are (mostly) very nice, and in general there is a lot of bat-shit craziness going on, so you will get plenty of fodder for your next book!

    I can’t wait to read your book!

  1655. I would love to have a copy of your book/audiobook! Wish you were coming to Phoenix or Tempe 🙁

  1656. I pre-ordered you book, but would love to ALSO have a signed copy. Why aren’t you coming to Denver??

  1657. Awww no Boston love on your trip?? We are exactly the type of place that thrives on the weirdness you’re selling. Maybe I will have to trek to NYC instead…..Good luck and congrats on the book!!

  1661. Washington DC? Pretty please? You can even stay at my house…we have a LOVELY guest room that Dr. and Mrs. Pants stay in when they’re in town on tour…and NYC is SO CLOSE.

  1663. Congrats! The audiobook will keep me company while I work. Big bonus. Huge.

  1665. I’ll just throw out that I’m less than an hour outside of DC with a VERY large bathroom to hang out it in. We even have our own cat butts (3 of them), so I don’t even mind that it’s not included when I win. But come to DC anyway!!!! And I will come to you, Jenny!

  1667. Tour. The Bloggess on tour. OMG. I’m pretty sure I didn’t see Nashville on the list because you already know that I’d stalk you if you came here, but I promise I’m not dangerous…..well, not dangerous to YOU anyway, no promises for anyone else.

    Book is pre-ordered….and I’m pretty sure I’ll need to order the audiobook as well….and install ice cream truck-style loudspeakers to broadcast your fabulousness around my neighborhood as I drive through. May need to get my Cube wrapped with the caricature of you, too. And a little taxidermied mouse as the hood ornament. Too much?

  1668. I would like to win a copy. You are not coming anywhere near to me, so it’s the least you can do.

  1670. How exciting!! I may have to be “sick” that Friday that you’re in San Francisco. I already pre-order a copy of the Kindle version, so I can’t wait to read it!

  1673. Congratulaions! What an amazing accomplishment to have finished and published a real book. In a few years your daughter will read and cherish it but for now all of us Bloggettes will….And totally freak out when our copies show up too!!

  1674. *flaps hands in the air like that obnoxious kid you hated in grade school* ME! ME! PICK ME!!! PICK ME!!!!!!

  1675. Come to Denver and I’ll take you here for dinner: http://www.buckhorn.com/index.php. They have Colorado’s first liquor license and taxidermied animals galore. So, booze and thousands of pairs of glass eyes staring at you while you eat a plate of rattlesnake. What’s not to love?

  1676. I sent one of my friends the excerpt of your book and she pre-ordered it right away! I’m spreading Bloggess fever all over Michigan!

  1677. So happy I live in L.A.! Any hint on where?
    Is Victor travelling with you? mary? Someone’s going to take care of you, right? You can’t go to the E.R. in ALL of those towns, no time.

  1678. I know someone who got an ARC. I am horribly jealous. I must have this book in my hot little hands! You should come upstate (new york)… otherwise I’m going to have to explain to my husband why we have no food to eat and can’t pay for the car. Must get to The Bloggess book tour!

  1679. I wish I could come and I hope you enjoy every moment! I have pre-ordered and can’t wait to read it 🙂

  1681. Ohhhh I can’t WAIT! But I am super sad I don’t live in Houston anymore … Stupid Nebraska!

  1684. OMZ! I can’t wait for your book to come out. The day I get it I’m just going to stay home and read the whole thing in one sitting. It’s like Harry Potter all over again!

  1685. I know that you would probably never come to Iowa…but Chicago? Pretty Please? We can go look up Marilyn’s skirt together.

  1686. COME TO MIAMI!!! Pretty please with a Copernicus on top!!! My friend and I have already decided that if you come to Miami, we are going to dress up like our favorite taxidermied animal…my Juanita the Weasle costume is ready!!!

  1688. I died a little inside when I realized you weren’t coming to Charlotte or anywhere even close. 🙁 SUPER AWESOME about the book though!!

  1690. Come to Finland, or at least send me your book! 😀 You don’t even have to bring your cat(s), I have idiotic animals of my own. And my mom is making pancakes.

  1691. Congratulations! I can’t wait to get mine next month. Would you please consider adding Las Vegas to your tour and maybe a tour T-shirt? Pretty please with a Tardis on top? 😀

  1692. Holy Shit, 1600+ comments in just a few hours!
    Also, are you sending the cat’s tail along with the book and audiobook cause that would really, REALLY, make me want to win this!

  1694. CONGRATULATIONS!!! I’m so happy for you….I can feel your excitement, and I’m celebrating with you!!!

  1701. You totally have a day between NY and LA, you should come down to DC! Because cities with two letter acronyms are pretty great!

  1702. Yay! I live about an hour away from LA and have for about 8 months, but fear of crowds and traffic has kept me away. I will have to overcome this for the book tour!

  1703. Oh how I wish you were coming to Canada. But no one ever comes to Canada. Not even Canadian authors. So excited for you! And so excited that your book will soon show up in my mailbox (although an autographed copy would be nice).

  1704. Congratulations! You should totally come to Atlanta; I’m sure there’s lots of taxidermied road kill around here somewhere….

  1705. Sadly, no one ever comes to Idaho! Of course, we’d love it if you did! Can’t wait to read your book!

  1706. NYC? How about Philadelphia? Pretty please? Contrary to what you may have heard, Philly is actually pretty awesome 😉

  1707. I’m so looking forward to reading your book. I’m more than an hour from a good bookstore, though. I’ll do the amazon thing but not til the last minute cause they don’t charge until they ship and then I have that pending thing hanging over my head and I’ll overdraw my account for sure because if there is any way to overdraw my account, I’m going to do it.
    It’s awesome that you have your real true finished, published book in your hands!

  1708. OHMYTIMELORD, I AM SO EXCITED

    Dammit, I need a TARDIS; that way I could just time travel and then I’d totally have the book now.

    Or maybe I just need a good lock pick and directions to your house.
    So I can steal the book, I mean. Not to, like, murder you or anything. Jeez, Jenny, I’m talking about a simple B&E/theft and you jump right to the murdering. Have some faith in your fans. Goodness.

  1709. What? Not coming to Albany, ny?
    I don’t blame you. It’s a shithole.

    Congrats! Can’t wait for the book!

  1712. This book is undoubtedly going to be the best belated birthday present that I ever gift myself!

  1714. My girls and I are so having a book party. So stoked for you! (and us..!) woot!

  1719. OH SWEET LORD HOW AWESOME IS THAT!?!?!?!?!? I can’t wait to get my pre-ordered copy!! Congratulations 🙂

  1720. Oh, Bloggess, I’m SO excited for your book. When it hits bookstores I’m going to make a whole shelf display and put all the “Staff Pick” stickers. I don’t care what those book sellers “pick”, they’re on Team Bloggess now!

    Also, you know, Toronto is super close to New York. Like, super duper close so you should totally come on over.
    Alternatively, I’m going to be in New York on the 19th! So! You know…you should stay there and and I’ll buy you… pizza (this is my first trip to NY and thus I am shaky on the culturally acceptable thing to do for you) ? Or a Statue of Liberty! OR a cab…Something great!

  1721. OHMYGOD! BESTNEWSEVER! I will totally trek to San Francisco for you (and I don’t do that often so you should take that as a compliment because there are way too many people there and I become “social anxiety woman” when Im there (that’s my highly anxious, crowd hating, superhero alter ego. She locks herself in bathrooms just like you!)). But yay! Oh… And can I win the audio book?!? I ordered the hardcover already and am ordering the audiobook later this week so that would be bonus. Thanks! (ps. see you in the bathroom in San Francisco.)

  1726. OMGTHATISEXCITING! Also, I don’t really need the cat butt, but if you want to include it just for kicks, that’s cool too.

  1729. YAYTHATSSOEXCITING IAMSOTHRILLEDYOURBOOKISPUBLISHED!!! Oh and … PLEASE COME TO PHILADELPHIA!!!! On your tour… I want to go to an official in-person Bloggess hide-in-the-bathroom party!

    Also, I have a cat with a butt that looks exactly like the one in the picture, so now I just need the rest of the stuff in it! 😉

    In case adding some random words will increase my chances of randomly winning, here’s a few: fisticuffs, oddment, hyperbole, cimmerian, and Nova Scotia.

  1731. Oh I’m so excited for you! I would tell you to come to WI but really its a frozen tundra compared to Tx. But we do make the best cheese….therefore our nachos are awesome.

  1732. I can’t wait to read it. Your humor has definitely gotten me through this last deployment. It all started with Beyonce, and then I was hooked! Kudos!

  1734. Yay! Dallas is on the list!

    I already pre-ordered my book, but I need your signature on it to make life complete. *fingers crossed that I’m chosen randomly*

  1735. Congrats! Add Hawaii to you’re tour! It’s a tax write off, right!?

  1736. You are tremendous! I can’t wait for your book!

    P.S- you should totally come to North Carolina. Anywhere in NC. I will drive to wherever you are. Not in a creepy, stalky way.

  1738. I don’t know if flattery makes a difference, but you look awesome today. Did you do something different with your hair?

    🙂

    Congrats on all this success, m’lady. It is gratifying to see someone with so much talent get rewarded for it.

  1739. Ooooh, can I get the cat tail too?!? I ordered the kindle version AND the hard copy (had to have it), but I missed the tail. Tell me its not sold out!!

  1741. Want!!! It would make a great gift for my baby girl when she is born at the beginning of May, I’ll look after it and read it aloud to her when she has me up to all hours of the night. You need to come to Chicago or Detroit!

  1744. Holy CRAPS!! You’re coming to Dallas!?! I didn’t know!! Well, me and my posse are totally coming to say hi. And also, sharks are the shiznitabamshalam – I blog about them frequently, so I totally get where you were coming from here. Congrats on the book – cannot WAIT to read it!!

  1746. You are incredibly funny and even if I don’t win a free book, I will commit to purchasing a copy when it comes out. Thanks for being hilarious!

  1747. I have been anticipating your book since…well forever. I absolutely adore you, and I’m pretty sure we should be best friends. Especially since Ferris Mewler and my cat Star would become BFFs the moment they met, but probably BFFs that talk shit behind each others backs while the other is in the litter box. I love reading but I think I am going to get the audio book too. Then I can listen to your funny recollections during my boring daily commute, BLOGGESS DAYS ARE ALWAYS GOOD DAYS.

  1750. Reading your post and I am excited too!!! I would LOVE a copy of your book. Sitting at home for 6-8 weeks (recovering from ankle surgery) would actually be fun! Good luck on your your, you’ll be great!

  1751. Because of you I will never look at twine the same again. <3 Oh and or Matthew Broderick either.

  1752. I think you should come to Atlanta! Either way, I’m totally getting a copy of your book.

  1754. Only want to second the motion to come to Chicago…otherwise congrats!!!!!

  1756. Come to Michigan! More specifically, the Detroit metro area! But I guess I’ll have to be happy with my bookplate thingy!

  1758. OMG!!! You have a cat-butt, too? Does it make buying pants difficult or do you just tuck the tail down one pant leg? Personally, I’ve been sticking to long skirts & dresses in an effort to blend in.

  1759. I have already preordered both so pumped for the big release day. Congrats!!!

  1760. You need more east coast dates. Maryland is lovely. I will pass on the word to my San anyone friends though. And CONGRATS!

  1768. Whooo hooo! How can you not being coming to DC though? You need to come to DC, you absolutely have to come to DC. We have so many damn metal chickens around here that it would be a shame for you to not visit us.

  1769. I want the cat butt! I WANT THE CAT BUTT!! But ok I’ll settle for the awesome audiobook if you _have_ to keep the butt 🙂 I can’t wait to listen to you reading your own book!! 😀 love ya 🙂

  1770. of COURSE i will be at the signing in LA. can’t wait! congratulations, can’t wait to read it.

  1771. You seem to have left Australia off your list… But that’s okay, I’m still buying your book!

  1773. I cannot wait until the book comes out. Totally.

    Also – come to Canada. I swear we don’t bite (unless asked) , beavers aren’t totally scary, and the snow DOES go away eventually. I promise.

    Plus? You would totally have a bijillion more fans because I am positive that though there may not be that many People in Canada…There are for sure that many animals. And plants.

    But if you do come to Canada – you HAVE to come to Saskatoon Saskatchewan… Why? Because no Canada trip is complete without seeing the middle of the prairies. Did you know Saskatchewan is the only province with completely man made-up boarders? That and the capitol is Regina. No .. not VAGINA… REGINA. After the Queen.

    Plus if you come to Saskatchewan – or even Regina or Edmonton/Calgary/Winnipeg – I would totally love you forever and might even offer to be your go to gopher while you are here and bring you all the wine slushiness you want – straight to the bathroom of your choice!

    Sincerely

    Robyn from Canada.

  1775. Awesome! Would be great to win a copy. As much as I would love to see you “live”…driving 3+ hours mid-week to Dallas just won’t happen. But I’m sure you’ll be basking in the throes of fame and enjoying the screams of your fans anyway. 🙂

  1776. YEAY!!! I am so excited for you! And I love the cat butt. Come to Denver!!

  1777. OH, oh…pick me! Pick me! I so want to hear you reading your own book! Congrats on the publish and the tour. Make sure you ask for all the brown M&M’s to be removed from your dressing room. Wait, do they even have dressing rooms for book tours?

  1778. Preordered your book and CANNOT wait to get my copy! Yay! Will you be coming to the Chicago area at all on your tour?! Please? Please? PLEASE!??!?!

  1779. I would LOVE to win a signed copy! This book is bad ass, I just know it. And also, I don’t see Omaha on the tour list. Weak. Omaha is, um, awesome! Yeah, awesome! We have cows. And cornfields. And… the college world series? And a shit ton of bars. Come to Omaha, I’ll buy you a drink!

  1781. I begin teaching English in the fall. This book is so necessary to have in my office that it’s not even funny. (Except it is. Because you’re funny.)

    And you should come to Seattle or Portland!! I’ll even buy you some galoshes, just in case. But no umbrellas. We do not believe in such things.

  1782. I am SO happy for you but SO bummed Chicago is not on the list!!! How can this be?!?!!?

  1784. I love you Jenny! I already preordered my book, but I’d gladly give it to a friend if I could have an autographed copy!!! I haven’t checked the list of your appearances yet, but if you come to Baltimore, I might have to bring a big giant chicken for you to sign. My neighbor has a huge white cock (a rooster statue) in his front yard, does that count? (He raises chickens so that’s not as weird as it sounds)

  1785. I CAN’T WAIT! You are a HUGE hit in my house, from my 8yo daughter to my husband who went with me on my personal quest to find my own Beyonce (aka COCO in my house!) and was equally as if not more excited than I was to find it! I’m waiting with baited breath for the official release!

  1788. Can’t wait to see you in LA, i RSVP’d!!

    Hmm how do you sign an audio copy of a book?!

    Nici

  1790. Long time reader, first time commenter. This is worth it. And…if I don’t win, I will just buy a copy like the rest of the free world. Congratulations.

  1791. Your coming to dallas! Soooo happy. I can cross something off my bucket list if I meet you. I will be there unless godzilla eats me. Which would suck.

  1792. Congratulations! You should freak out (in a good way) because it’s totally awesome to hold your baby…uh…book in your hands. It’s a great accomplishment and you deserve to be proud and excited and happy and completely spastic.

    As for the autographed copy…how do I say this politely? Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme!!!!! Come on internet leprechauns, sprinkle with me lucky random commenter fairy dust.

  1793. I’m considering camping out now for the Austin date. I want to make sure I get a good seat! If that doesn’t work out, I’ll just go loiter in the bathroom in case you get nervous and go hide 🙂

  1794. I absolutely LOVE that your tour is 3 national cities and 5 Texas cities! Texas is best!

  1797. It hink I may have to order the audiobook, just to hear you read it. And maybe the Kindle version, too, so I don’t have to wait.

    You are going to do great!

  1799. Would love to see you in the Phoenix area! Congrats on the book! I can’t wait to read it!!

  1800. that’s so exciting!!! i can’t even imagine how it feels- maybe like coming home from work and finding a unicorn in my living room? that seems like it would be about the same. congrats!!!

  1801. I’m ordering the hardcover version just so I can be seen reading a book with that cover art. I can hardly wait!

  1802. so sending someone with anxiety disorder out to promote a book about their life, and all the awkward moments therein. I can’t wait to see the line for the bathroom for your autograph

  1803. If you were coming to somewhere near me, I’d be there. Call me just another fan girl but you always give me a laugh when I need it. Lots of luck and calm wishes coming your way.

  1804. I would totally go! … but your not comeing anywhere near me. 🙁 I can’t wait to read your book.

  1805. I know I don’t have a snowballs chance in hell of winning, but wanted to drop you a note that states it simply: YOU ROCK.

    big fan over here… huge.

  1807. 5 dates in Texas!!! We should caravan that shit. Follow you around from town to town and scream at your tour bus! Like Bon Jovi. Only better because there’ll be booze slushies.

  1808. I would love to receive your book and audio!!!! I listen to audio books at work and this would have me laughing all day.

  1810. First off, Kudos! I really love the way you included the cats ass in this photo. Secondly, I don’t see Orlando or Tampa on the tour list.. we need to be included.

  1812. Good luck on the book tour. I hope you are able to add more dates, hopefully closer to me. Congrats on the book release!

  1816. Please hook a sista up with a signed book! Living in the middle of freakin’ nowhere Nevada, i could use a great dose of humor!

  1819. Too bad I live in the buttcrack of the USA. Not even touring in NM at all =( Maybe instead, I can win the prize =D

  1822. Why is it that no one ever comes to the midwest? I promise we love books and music here too. I cannot wait to read your book.

  1827. Congrats! I can’t wait to buy it. It might mean skipping lunch for a couple of days, but I’m sure I’ll be too busy laughing to notice.

  1829. We have a retirement community here in Santa Fe with one of the highest rated gay bars in the country. I feel like that merits a visit. Come to New Mexico.

  1831. I probably have little to no hope of winning, but still….shouldn’t that be”I’m coming FOR you” and maybe have you on a bicycle with a basket and a little dog in the basket. Scratch the dog…put Ferris Mewler in it. Or maybe Juanita.

  1833. I’m so exited for you! I can’t wait to read it. I’m completely jealous of my sister because she works at the bookstore you’re visiting in Houston.

  1834. You don’t have to give me this autographed copy if you just come a little further east. You don’t even have to come all the way to Savannah, Ga. Just to Atlanta or somewhere in Alabama, or Mississippi, or even New Orleans,La. Just come east, I will come west. We can meet in the middle! 🙂

  1835. My book is, well, a looooooooong ways away from getting to the point of autographing copies, but I would love to have yours for inspiration…

    That, and I have a bit of a gap in the greyish coloured section of my bookshelf that your book would fill so wonderfully.

  1836. OHMYGOSHTHEBLOGGESS, if I get the autographed copy I will send you a high res picture of my three year old holding twine. She looks just like she might be famous.

  1837. Come to Raleigh, NC or somewhere closer to the Southern east coast than NYC, PLEASE!!! I have taxidermied animals; I should get some sort of bonus points for that. I should get even more bonus points for naming the taxidermied swan Simon (so I could have conversations involving “Simon says” or “Simon said”).

  1842. Yay! You’ll be in Houston – I mean, I know that you’re always here, but I can come see you without being a creepy stalker and stuff.

  1843. Yaaay! Congratulations! Maybe you can “tour” via Skype and avoid that pesky in-person interaction.

  1846. So excited for the copies I’ve pre-ordered and so proud of all you’ve accomplished! Now I guess I’ll need to spring for the audio book also *sigh* And the Nook book *double sigh*

  1847. Awesome! I’m sure my lovely wife will want to read your book AND catch you at one of your shows here in Texas!!!

  1848. Well, I’ll be in Spain then. Ever been to Madrid? There are statues of bears there, but no metal chickens that I’m aware of.

  1849. Awesome! I’d be freaking out too if I were you. Cannot wait to get my copy and read the book. Would love to win a copy but am more excited that you’re coming to NYC. Will see you on April 17!

  1850. Please pick me for the book! I can’t afford to spend money on books right now, or I would have preordered!

  1851. We need you here in DC!!!!!! I can’t wait to get my book!

  1852. Bloggess, you are wonderful and I love reading your website! I can’t wait for your book. I hope you come to DC or Baltimore sometime!

  1853. I would TOTALLY go…except I live on a different continent. I mean, you’re awesome and all but I’ve been told I’m not allowed to steal from anymore old ladies just to travel a quarter the way around the world for a book signing.
    It’s a very specific law.
    It’s one of three which have my name attached to them. I’d tell you about the other two but there’s a court injunction preventing me from doing so. It seems people CAN be scared to death! And that baker made such delicious pear pastries (never got to ask what they were called).

  1855. Congrats on the debut (upcoming) of your book! You rock 🙂 Oh, and pick me for the free copy. Puhleeeze? 😉

  1857. I’m beyond excited to read your book but I’m even more excited because you’re gonna be in San Antonio…just 3 hours away from me!!! (I live in Laredo) I’m soooo making my husband drive me up there to get my book signed!!

  1858. You have EVERY right to freak out!! I just did a happy dance for you… on the bus… little awkward… dude talking to his radish looks a little bummed that he’s not the “craziest” person on the bus anymore.

  1859. Seattle!!! Please!! Or Vancouver (the real one in BC, not the why-the-hell-did-you-name-your-little-town-the-same-thing-as-that-much-larger-and-cooler-city-in-Canada one in WA)!!
    I live right in the middle of the two (Seattle and the real Vancouver that is, again, not the fake one) and so either location works for me. Hell, I might even be able to skip work (I’m just a teacher, it’s not like I’m changing lives or anything. Oh, wait – yes, I am. Ah, fuck it – it’s not like they’ll forget how to read if I am away for a day or two) and drive to Portland if you can squeeze that one in instead.
    What I’m trying to say here is, please add some more tour dates! I know that is asking a lot of you, considering how torturous these stops are likely to be for you, but the Unicorn Success Club will take very good care of you. We promise.
    Also, I did already pre-order the book but if I got this one then I could share the joy with someone else who needs to laugh out loud until they cry and/or pee.
    Love you. Love you. Love you.

  1860. I would love the total 3 D package! Holding and reading the book whilst listening to the cd. Total awesomesauce.

  1863. Pittsburgh is really quite beautiful in April. You should come here. We’ll have fondue and wine.

  1864. Ooh, I wish you were coming just a wee bit further into the North East (everyone knows Rhode Islander’s don’t actually GO to NY, even though it’s only 3 hours away….).

    Can’t wait to read the book!

  1865. Squeee!!! … Congratulations! Now in all of this flying around you will have to pass through Denver at some point. So I vote that you stay the night sign a few books. As to the cat butt, I already have a matching cat butt that get into enough trouble by itself. Again, Congratulations!

  1866. I’m totally living vicariously through you. I live in an adjacent state and every time something cool (like meeting Wil Wheaton) happens to you, I get ridiculously excited as if it just happened to my best friend. Actually, I’m in the market for one, wanna be besties? 🙂

  1868. Please try to hit the Pacific NW! Powell’s Books in Portland, OR, would be a great venue (although I’d probably drag myself up to Seattle if I had to). http://www.powells.com

  1869. I planned to put your book on my Mother’s Day list, but if I win, I can ask for chocolate…or booze…..or both. Now that would be a win, win, win.

  1871. I’m really looking forward to getting my hands on the book too. And let me put a vote in for you to visit Columbus, Ohio on the book tour too! We have cookies!

  1872. So I preordered this book for my sister as a present, and I think I’m going to have to read it before I can send it to her! 🙂 Don’t tell!

  1873. I would love to read this but construction jobs around here suck!! Best of luck to you!! You make me laugh always!!

  1874. Oh Em Gee, this is so exciting! Congratulations and good luck!

  1875. Come to Vashon Island!!! It’s only a 20 minute boat ride from Seattle and, although it has a book store, I am hoping you will do the book signing in my bathroom. I’ll provide snacks and cocktails.

  1880. Come to Michigan! We have… uhh DETROIT! Wait, never mind… don’t come to Michigan.

  1882. Nashville, you must come to Nashville. You need a big poufy confidence wig. Dolly Parton has her own line of wigs. Dolly Parton = Nashville

  1883. Congrats! With all the laughter you bring to the world, you deserve all of this and more 😀

  1884. Atlanta. Come to Atlanta. It’s just like Texas, you’ll feel right at home, and I will remodel my bathroom to look exactly like yours so you can hide there if you want.
    PS random number generators hate me. Instead, please have your cat type a number. That might work for me.

  1885. Four stops in Texas ya’ll…we win!

    Also, you sneaky sneaky lady…giving away a free book just to get a whole shite load of comments, I see what you did there…;P

  1886. First on the holds list at the library but I’d love to own a real autographed copy. I would put it in a place of honor, right between my Nancy Pearl signed action figure and my Princess Leia doll in the only-opened-once container.

  1888. This thing is going to be fricking side-splitting-crying-and-snorting-in-the-office-about-to-be-sent-to-HR funny.

  1889. I just wanted to say I think you are awesome! Your column was the best thing that someone ever shared with me… you always find a way to relate to your fans and make us laugh. I already ordered a few copies of your book and I hope I get a chance to see you on tour! Congrats on the all the success you deserve it!

  1890. I would so come and see you if you came to Canada. We could hide in the bathroom together because I don’t like people either.

  1891. Denver Denver Denver!!! We will show you a great time! And we’ll show you Payton Manning 😛

  1893. Woohoo! Outstanding! Already pre-ordered — I can’t wait to get my copy!

  1895. So, instead of randomly picking someone to receive your autographed book, you should DELIBERATELY pick me because you failed to include Seattle in your book tour >sad face<.

    i guess me and my fellow Seattle Bloggess followers will have to spread your awesomeness around all.on.our.own.

  1896. Congrats on your book. It’s a huge accomplishment. I think you should treat yourself to a high-class booze slushy today.

  1897. Being that our library has 157 holds on your book so far… I’d love to win it… so I can read it before I die 🙂

  1898. A book tour?! This would be the perfect time to announce a return trip to Alaska; where, unlike Hawaii, we don’t curse your lady parts into trying to murder you. (…just saying…) In any case, tour = awesomeness. Congratulations!

  1901. I already pre-ordered but ZOMG A FREAKING AUTOGRAPHED COPY *AND* THE AUDIOBOOK? I would die happy.

    …. and be dead and unable to read or listen to it. But that is besides the point.

  1902. I just told my best friend I want this book more than I want food to survive off of for the rest of the week!! Even if I am not picked, I will be picking this book up in April!! Love you Jenny for all the belly aching laughs you induce when I feel like curling up in the dark instead. XO

  1903. OMG, me, me, me, me!!!!

    And you’re NOT coming to VIRGINIA???? WAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

    I couldn’t even read all of your comments because there are over 1800 of them, but I’m sure everyone else wants the autographed copy. But you should pick me. Because I pre-ordered the minute you said it was available. Talk about your constant reader….Stephen King’s got nothing on the Bloggess!

  1904. I wish your tout was going to be closer to me. But really I can’t think of a single book store around here that has a bath room nice enough that you would want to hang out in it for very long. And I guess I really need to get around to preordering your book, huh?

    Although if you came to Metropolis we do have a giant metal Superman (no metal chickens that I’m aware of sadly) that for some reason the original creators decided should be exactly the correct height that anyone standing under him could reach up and grab his junk. So now you have been officially invited to come to Metropolis and grab Superman’s junk. I’ll even take your picture. Now is that an invite you get every day?

  1906. OMG Jennnyyyyy! This is so amazing. Your book comes out so soon. But Damn it all, why can’t you come to Boston? Ill even go buy a taxidermy animal just for you if you do.
    Also, I want to be entered to win a copy of the book. Consider this my official winning entry. Shazam!

  1907. noooooo! curses!!! you aren’t coming near Wisconsin! ah well, perhaps i can get a fantastic copy! 😀

  1908. Hmm. I live at the edge of Hell (South Florida). I don’t see that on your list. Boo. Did you record your audiobook or did someone else? Because if you did, I’ll probably get that and taking you running with me. The exercise will do you good.

  1910. Come to Atlanta!!! I would love to come out and meet you. I love your blog!

  1912. Congratulations! I can’t wait to meet you at the Austin leg of your book tour.

  1913. I do love Ferris! Apparently the midwest is not ready for you – please come to the Kansas City area! Already preordered you book, but your humor would be a great gift to any of my friends!

  1914. Just another sign of dedication, and inspiration…..way to go! congrats and good luck…..

    one more book I need to add to my wish list!

  1915. ever heard of D.C.? you know, THE NATION’S CAPITAL?

    hope to see you there one day! book is pre-ordered! congratulations!

  1916. Please come to Hartford!! Hartford has nothing but insurance companies and gang crime/violence, but you get sick a lot and the insurance people will already be there ready to deny paying for something, *and* when the gangs catch you, you’ll have tons of new crazy stories for your next best-selling, pee-your-pants-laughing-novel. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. Okay, I’m done now. PAH-LEASE.

  1921. OMG! So totally going to try to come see you in San Fran!! Super excited!

  1922. come to MINNESOTA PLEASE!! we have lots of creepy stuffed animals to buy!

  1923. Come to Boston in early May! It would be the best present for my roommate and me!!!

  1925. I have been waiting and waiting for this book to come out! I’m so excited for you (and for all of us who get to read it). Congratulations on a finishing a project a decade in the making! <3 You are an inspiration.

  1926. I love your writing, and want the audio book SOOOOO bad. I also wish you would come to Kansas. We have a bookstore in Wichita called Watermark, and they love to have authors visit. I, and my daughter – who turned me on to your blog, will come see you for sure!!! Please give Ferris Mueller a pat from me – I love him.

  1927. Please pick me!!!! I ordered it for the kindle, but I would love a copy to display in my office!

  1928. I am FREAKING excited to read this book. My husband works for a company that supplies libraries with their books. They process books before they are officially released, so since yours is due in under a month I have asked him no less than 50 times if he has seen your book yet and when he will be able to get me a copy.

  1929. Fantastic! Please come through Chicago or somewhere close by… I’m too poor to go anywhere else 😀

  1930. I don’t know which I’m more excited about: the fact that your book comes out next month, or that you will be in Los Angeles next month!

  1932. OMG, you’re coming to Dallas! I shouldn’t be surprised because we’re in Texas, too but YAY! Can I bring you anything? Coffee? Cupcakes? Something dead with a startled look on it’s face?

  1933. I haven’t been following you very long, but I read your recent excerpt and decided that I NEED this book. I live in Indiana, but I’m seriously considering a visit to my sister in Dallas just so I can come to your tour…

  1934. If you’re adding more tour dates might I put in a request for DC? Or Baltimore. I’m not picky.

  1936. Congrats on the actual existence of your book! 😀
    I´d love to win the signed copy but I suppose I live on the wrong continent for that. But I´ll get a copy sent from the UK if I have to. On a possibly related note: Any plans for a release in Germany?

  1937. Trans-Atlantic discrimination…
    *grumble, grumble*
    Will the tours take place in the restrooms? Your publisher sholud pick places with huge restrooms.
    And will Amazon.co.uk soon get of their asses and have your book ready!?

  1938. If only you could stop at the Fountain Bookstore in beautiful Richmond, VA! I wouldn’t have taken the time to think of who I might be able to trick into driving to NYC for your reading; I wouldn’t have considered bribing that person with a king sized bag of seaweed crisps hilariously called Sea Snacks; and I wouldn’t have been alone and humiliated after that person’s reaction caused me to shoot raisin bran out of my nose. Sigh.

  1940. Come to the ATL!! We have sweet tea, the Braves, Ted Turner, a zoo, and an aquarium with a dolphin show. What up!

  1941. I would so love to win a copy of your book, preferably the audio book, but I guess I could get my husband to read me the book if it was the non-audio book. I should probably explain. I have chronic daily migraines and what is probably fibromyalgia, although we are still waiting for a diagnosis , and one of the side effects of the pain is that I loose the ability to read and well the world gets really blurry from all of the dizziness and they like to swim across the page. I have the occasional period of almost functional (although right now I can write, but I can’t walk, which one is more important, I don’t know), but they are short and tend to have large gaps in-between them.

    I have been fighting to get my health back and fighting what my doctor deemed the inevitable slide into depression because in her opinion you can’t experience constant pain for over a year and not be depressed. Well, I provided her wrong, I am now three years in with this daily severe pain, and I am just now starting to feel really worn down and know that the slide to depression is starting to happen, but I am doing everything in my power to fight it. Part of my self prescribed therapy is to look at your blog at least three times a week (like exercise, but for my brain, since I currently can only do one crunch for exercise and then I am in pain again) with help my from husband. I have also been doing my own version of the red dress with make-up because I had to buzz all of my hair off because if it is over 1/2 an inch my scalp hurts so much I want to vomit constantly (this is probably too much information, sorry, I just want to let you know why I should be in the running, although I think the thing said random so I am not even sure if you are going to be reading these) and my hair used to be the only thing I liked about how I look, so now I use make-up to make my face the only thing I like about how I look, although I was doing that before I read about your red dress thing, but when I saw that I realized it was the same basic principle because I usually do some pretty crazy make-up that while looking nice, is not what I call, leaving the house make-up, then again, I am not one who usually wears make-up so what I consider crazy make-up is probably what other people consider normal, but it is all about perspective right? Anyway, I think the book would be a good addition to my therapy to help keep my in good spirits.

    I am starting to get more typing errors because the screen is starting to swim so I have to stop now, I hope this all looks okay. Thank you so much for your time and consideration.

  1944. Will it really be you on tour, or just some woman in a red dress, wearing a wig and hiding in the bathroom with a taxidermied walrus fetus?

  1947. Congrats to you on the book, and hooray for us, your fans, on the upcoming fantastic read! You complete us! See you in S.F.!!

  1948. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE come to Boston! We have duck boats! You can take a ride, in a duck! Well, they don’t actually look like ducks but they have pictures of ducks on them. Oh! We have swan boats too and those totally look like swans. And now that I know you did your own reading on the audiobook, I’m totally buying that one too. But I’d much rather prefer to win one because winning is awesome.

  1950. i love how ferris is upstaging his namesake by putting his butt in the shot next to the book. take that matthew broderick–point, ferris mewler.

  1951. I will totally make my house into one big Grecian bathroom if you come to Kansas City! 😉 Then again, I have family in Texas and this could be a good excuse to come visit…might be cheaper then a remodel too.

    Congrats on the book!!!!

  1955. There is no bookstore IN THE WORLD like Powell’s City of Books. Come to Portland and witness the mystery.

  1957. I sincerely hope you conduct your tour entirely from bathrooms. Well done you!

  1958. I would lurve a signed copy… which means if I don’t win (and even if I do), it looks like I’ll be heading up to NYC in less than a month! On a Tuesday, no less!

  1959. Holy hell in a handbasket! You’re coming to San Francisco! *Does happy dance*

  1961. I can’t wait for you to get to Dallas! We have some great bathrooms you can stay in!

  1963. Only ONE east-coast visit?????? Ugh. I will never get to meet you. Which is the only reason I’m commenting because obviously it’s the only way I’m going to have a chance to add an autographed copy of your book to my collection. But don’t worry. If I win I will not cancel my preordered copy, because obviously I still need one to actually READ while the autographed copy sits on a shelf to impress visitors with.

  1964. One in a throng of thousands. You make me laugh and I’m poor. I need that book. Better than anti-depressants.

  1969. Give Philly some love! We got cheesesteaks and pretzels. If I get picked to win I’ll even buy you one! Wit wiz.

  1973. I want a copy!!! You should also come to Madison, WI, because it’s awesome, and because you’re awesome and I want to meet you. 🙂 Or even Chicago, because I might be able to get there.

  1974. Congratulations!! And you’ll be in Austin on my birthday! Best birthday present EVER.

  1975. No visit to New Orleans? Much sadness! I have your book on my to-read list, though it would be awesome to win a copy….. 🙂

  1977. I’m Furiously Unhappy that you are not coming to Phoenix – We’re a lot closer than New York or Los Angeles!!! But am so stinkin’ excited for the book to come out. 🙂

  1978. Whenever my cat was excited (usually this was feeding time) her tail would get all fluffy from where all the hair was standing on end. We used to call it a toilet brush tail. Your cat has one!

  1979. If only you were anywhere NEAR Georgia!! D:

    Also you are made of win. And possibly delicious pie.

  1984. I am so glad the cat butt isn’t part of the contest, I was worried, I already have three of my own. My hubby would kill me, even if said butt belongs to one of my newest favorite authors!

    I can’t wait until you come to Austin! I’ll be there!

  1985. I can not wait to read the book! I’m going to giggle snort my way through it on All of my lunch breaks. Also CONGRATULATIONS!!

  1986. So excited for your book! Oh, also…add Phoenix to your tour list, cause that would rock!

  1987. Very Exciting! Congratulations. I would love to hear the audiobook version after reading the (written) book.

  1990. Come to our Nation’s Capitol, or even Baltimore (even more crime per capita), but the bookstores are mostly in the nicer parts of town. Mostly. Wait, are there still bookstores? Anyway, come to DC.

  1993. How exciting and wonderful! I would be screaming too! Congratulations and best of luck on your touring. (wish you were coming out to Asheville NC)

  1994. I think I’m going to have to brave NYC to come see you. Normally I avoid the city because I’m entirely too naive to be around so many people at once without it ending in tears, but for you I’ll risk it! Congrats on the book! I can’t wait to get it!

  1996. YAY! Wish you were coming to Portland OR, though. And I think you should take the cat butt with you on tour!-)

  1998. Have fun, will you be taking a taxidermed animal with you on tour?

  2000. I would come to see you if your tour included Nova Scotia, but alas, it is not to be. Congrats!

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