Victor: Hey, Hailey’s school is showing Puss-N-Boots tonight for free.
me: Best p0rn movie ever, right?
Victor: Yeah, that’s exactly the kind of thing you can’t say if we go.
me: I assume it goes without saying that it’s BYOB?
Victor: If “it goes without saying” means “don’t even say that” then, yes, it goes without saying.
me: Got it. So I pack a flask.
Victor: These are Hailey’s peers. We should at least try to fit in as good parents.
me: Fine.
Victor: We wear normal clothes and pour a couple of smirnoff’s into empty water bottles.
me: My God, I love you.
************************
In non-related news, it’s time for the weekly wrap-up. Let’s get started, shall we? 
What you missed on the Houston Chronicle:
What you missed on my satiric sex column (which is safe for work if your boss isn’t a douche nugget:
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by the lovely people at Minted.com, who make amazing paper goods, like wedding invitations and save-the-date announcements, and personalized journals. If I was going to personalize my journal I’d put my friend Mary’s name all over it so that if I lost it she’d be the one arrested for all the arson I was planning. Best. Arson Journal. Ever.
You should adopt me! Or home school, if the normal parent ruse gets to be too much trouble 🙂
Oh yes. Vodka in water bottles. Been there.
Oh, thank God you brought water bottles Jennie, I need something to put my Propel in so I can take a pill….hey!
WG
Lol, sounds like it’s going to be a fun time 😉
I picked up a plastic flask which gets through the metal detectors at stadiums and concerts. I know that wasn’t the theme of the post, but I thought I would share a tip.
Remember, 2 liter water bottles will look suspicious.
I kind of love Victor right now 🙂 he’s pretty awesome
Also I want that t-shirt to go with my smirnoff water bottles. I will enjoy watching people try to figure out if they should be worried or not. I think maybe I like disturbing people a little too much?
Naaahhhh.
Vodka in a water bottle; that’s brilliant! So much easier than trying to explain why you’re snorting pixie stick sugar.
“Hailey’s parents are so much more into this than we are. Sigh. Obviously we need to work at being better parents.”
Kind of reminds me of my wedding when all my groomsmen had flasks of Johnie Walker in their tuxes. To do this day, I’m not sure if I’m legally married.
Remember, there is nothing happier than searching “Puppy Vs” videos on youtube.
*Nothing.*
Y’know, you can put pretty much anything in a Snapple bottle. Nobody can keep track of what color all that stuff is.
hey that’s MY trick with the water bottles!
Best way to sneak alcohol, ever. Then again, i’m working on my reputation as a lush, so I have to think of these things.
My oldest starts school in August. I love that you are giving me wonderful ideas on how to be me but still appear to fit in!! Thank you!!! 🙂
I think alcohol is a must when dealing with school functions, especially if it is a movie with a vaguely pornographic title that you can’t say without giggling.
Note to self (and Jenny): When you place vodka in a 7-Up bottle, and a young child then goes to take a sip of said 7-Up bottle, and you yell, “NOOOOOOOOOOO!” (in slow-motion fashion) and dive at the child to get to the bottle before it touches their lips, it MAY make you look conspicuous and provide another opportunity for your (read: my) uptight, conservative in-laws to scowl at you.
Who knew?
My 6 year old niece watched “Puss in boots” recently now she keeps referring to all cats as pussy and every time she says it I get a fright. Mental note to myself she is not using a derogatory word for vaginas she is speaking about cats.
Hmmmm…water bottles. Effective but cliche. If you would like to graduate to professional alcoholic status, you have to be a clever drunk, like if James Bond and Barney Gumble from The Simpsons had a kid, and you were that kid. I’m thinking a bag of alcohol concealed in your underwear with a tube that leads to an IV hooking directly into a vein in your calf. You need to wear pants, of course, which might be a deal breaker, I understand.
TheRealBarman
And THAT is why you have a parenting blog. You and Victor are excellent examples for the rest of us.
How about putting dark rum in a Coca-Cola bottles?
…The 1 l litre Coca-Cola bottles, of course.
I am very annoyed you didn’t tell me about the serial killer angle until AFTER I had my second child! Fact: Serial killers do not usually kill their own family. Fact: It would be odds greater than winning the mega millions jackpot to spawn a serial killer then be randomly killed by an entirely different serial killer. So if we put those made up facts together, the conclusion is, you have greatly increased my odds of being killed by a serial killer (albeit while decreasing my odds of spawning one). Thanks a lot, Jenny! Also. You would either have an only child OR adopt an entire orphanage??? I know your Christmas campaigns kind of hinted at this aspect of your character, but now I am really impressed by your inability to do anything half-assed …. ” I will clean ALL the things! And then adopt ALL the children!”
Now, when I was a drinker and had kids at school why Oh why did I never think of that idea, You are God and Goddess, brilliant. I may start drinking again and attend the grand childrens ‘parents’ evenings just to try out the vodka trip………
Ha! Didn’t see that one coming. Victor’s definitely a keeper! 😀
My mother always taught me to pack a thermos. Full of booze. No one ever confiscates a thermos!
I love that I can be in the worst mood, and all I have to do is go to your blog and you make me laugh. The water bottles would definitely be the least conspicuous!
I’m pretty sure my mom took a flask to Girl Scout meetings.
You know you can even hide a mixed drink in a bottle – just make sure the colour fits whatever was supposed to be in there. So rum & coke in the Coca Cola bottle and gin & tonic in the Schweppes bottle. Easy peasy. 🙂
Hahhahaa glad you guys are on the same page..
If you already know Copernicus, then I doubt Hailey will be a serial killer, as well. What are the chances? Unless Copernicus is training Hailey to become a serial killer. Kind of like with Dexter when his Dad, Harry shows Dexter the ropes (and several sharp blades)…so if Hailey IS a serial killer, at least she will be murdering rapists, other murderers, child molesters, etc. AND she wouldn’t get caught at it. I think I was trying to make you feel better. Maybe you should just watch Dexter and drink chocolate milk with vodka in it.
My dad is turning 80. Should I take a flask? Or a used golf ball?
the sleeping cat positions was fucking awesome… thanks for that.
Sleeping Cat positions = my coffee all over my desk. Mostly because my cat just jumped into my lap and surprised me.
If this is the universal behaviour of parents it explains SO much about my mum’s visits to school things.
I totally take my evening glass of wine in a sports bottle to soccer practice. Let’s not quibble over what constitutes a “glass” … Looks just like apple juice. And Halloween is a LOT more fun when our sports bottles are loaded up with screwdrivers!
A screwdriver is very child friendly as it looks like an innocent orange juice. You could say the same for jello shots. You just have to be careful none of the kids actually try them. That could really get you in trouble with the PTA.
You are definitely the perfect couple 🙂
I think it’s cool that you narrowed down what makes women randy…I wish it were true on a regular basis. I would have to add “random thoughts”, “absolutely no explanation whatsoever”, and “guys, good luck with that”.
Where can I find a Victor? Also, I probably would have simply opted for bottles of Coke spiked with whisky.
I say pour water in the Absolut bottle. That’ll **really** freak ’em out.
MOV
Jenny, I love that you always spell the word porn like “p0rn”. It’s awesome! ALso it makes p0rn sound better and more friendly.
I’m an only child and I’m not a serial killer. I just have a….gentle interest…in them.
Also, I checked today, and several libraries in my local library system have your book on order.
Please add Chicago to your tour. Please. I know it’s way out of the way, but you will love it and we will love you. We’ll give you really good pizza and you can go see the Lake which is pretty smelly, and we are the homeland for several of this past century’s most notable serial killers. It’ll be so awesome- please please come sign books for us too.
have you considered a t-shirt with Juanita the Weasel yelling “ALVIN!!!!” ???
Aw I love Puss-in-boots! Orange Tabby Poly-dactyl Kittehs rule, as do boot flasks. It’s the only appropriate homage, after all.
Why yes, I do think all your readers are enablers. but you love us anyway.
Do you know what a camel-back is? It’s a backpack that has a reservoir for liquids in it, with a straw/suck tube that delivers said liquids to your mouth, hands free if you need it to be. Hug, shake hands with other parents, bike over mountains, use ninja skills, all while remaining thoroughly hydrated, or lubricated, whatever the situation requires.
You’re welcome.
Hilarious! I think I would be taking a flask with me too.
Back home, the PTA was a model for behavior…for doing bad things while looking innocent. I am not sure that the PTA is fooled by the water bottle ploy, but they will probably look the other way to avoid calling attention to their own water bottles.
Everybody knows “Fuckfest At Tiffany’s” is the best porno ever but more to your point, I was just thinking someone needs to invent a strap-on flask for your leg with a tube that goes up to a headset that looks like a Blue Tooth thingy but is really a straw. Genius, right? I know- sometimes I blow my own mind.
I suggest vodka tonic water bottles, that is unless you’re going straight for drunk and less for cocktail. If you’re watching Puss n Boots you might need the former.
whooo wheeeeee first time I’ve said this. When my kids were little… in the early ’80s my friend and I took our kids to see the ARISOTCATS…. the year it came out..whenever that was and we brought rum and cokes!!!! (rum and cokes..eowwww those were the days. sweet drinks! ) You the Bloggess are also like some great THERAPIST! thanks.
I know you & Victor wouldn’t be among the people who judge me when I take a beer to a Little League game.
Vodka in water bottles… effective if not original. There are also lots of non-traditional uses for Pringles cans, and the sleeve of a winter coat (if it is still winter there like it is here).
And I would hazard a guess that the porn Puss N Boots does exist in many forms, and hope to god that the porn version of Shrek is not out there somewhere….
“We wear normal clothes and pour a couple of smirnoff’s into empty water bottles.”
brilliant solution! but also brings to mind the option of showing up in costume!
Still no Boston?! What do we have to do?! 🙂 🙂 Come visit! We have all sorts of cool stuff.
I can barely even SAY the phrase “Puss-n-Boots,” it sounds so dirty. My husband is obviously thrilled. {Pretend I’m using the sarcasm font.}
Pussy in hoots. Which is hooters. Which is what you’re showing in that sex column pic, DAY-UM! A light breeze, hee. I suppose that was you in that bathroom stall with me and the dildo when I said my name was Juan?
Laughed out loud at the sleeping cats! Hope you are feeling better, Jenny.
My chocolate vodka and I SALUTE YOU.
With both hands and the bottle in my mouth.
Naturally.
The Vodka in the bedroom wishes to date you but I’m going to have to put a stop to it. Vodka and I are in a serious mono-what’sit relationship.
I am highly jealous that it wishes to date you.
*I* WANT to date you.
But sssh, I’m meant to be in mono-what’sit relationship with Princess Jed of the Grizzly bear kin.
Now I don’t feel nearly as bad for carrying around that Thermos of hot rum that one Halloween we took the kids out trick-or-treating in the 20 degree weather here in pre-climate change Vermont!
the truth about parenting
Green tea bottles would also work well since I’m not a big fan of straight vodka. They would also make me look like a really health conscious person and if I’m going to put on a fake persona, it might as well be really off the wall.
I think they should put school buses to further use by busing parents about to these kinds of functions and allow the use of alcohol. It would make everything better.
Take my word for it (former bartender that I am): gin and tonics smell less than vodka and anything. Enjoy.
I am so happy you added a Miami-ish stop!!
I usually add rum to my soda from Sonic. Those cups keep things cold forever.
I never put smirnoff in a water bottle. Probably because I was the one running the movie night and after a bottle, or two- I carry a 32 oz water bottle everywhere I go-… filled with crystal lite… someone may have noticed if I started to sing karoke into the mic or lit up a cigarette at the back of the room.
You just can’t drink a bottle of smirnoff without a cigarette…
Now tequila? That’s a different story.
I’ll bet that guy in the video had a couple of Smirnoffs in water bottles…and didn’t share. WTF was so important about that newspaper I wonder?
a. Your husband is a kind loving man that understands that booze is required when dealing with a group of school children.
2. You’re not the only one who plans to have only one child
iii. the drunk dude was funny as hell, though honestly it made me miss booze… it could also be because I haven’t had any booze since I got knocked up in January 2011
IV. I’m sad your book tour will not stop in Michigan.
Your posts kill me, haha love it girl keep it up! I’ve actually been reading for a couple months now but for some reason haven’t commented. So here I am in all my glory …. all hail the bloggess!
I would keep Victor if I were you!
What an awesome way to see a kid’s movie! I’ll have to remember that one.
Pease adopt me ! or bring me to your family outtings
We did not see your booking mugshot tonight on the internets.
So we are assuming you and Victor and the flask did not re-enact Puss N Boots.
With or without people you might have dug up.
And/or embalmed on school property.
All up, must have been a slow night, eh?
‘Normal’ clothes. A ha ha ha ha ha!
I’ll drink to that!
The hardest part about taking a flask is pretending not to be buzzed or drunk in a room full of sober poeple. “No I always belch when I get excited. Yes, I normally chain eat mints. That, oh I was just dancing. With no music. Into that door frame. It’s interpretive. Dance. Interpretive dance. Yeah. No I’m not driving home, why do you ask?”
I like that he was anti-flask, but was then like “hey, secret booze stash for the win!” Also, he does realize there is a 150% higher probability of you actually saying “best porn movie ever” at the school once you have one of those vodka/water bottles, right? I mean, he’s met you. correct?
Say you rode your bike (how wonderfully green and responsible) and fill your camel pack with booze.
Somebody should check on that Double Bed cat. I don’t think he made it through his swan-dive faceplant.
Victor … vodka …. coincidence they both start with the letter V?
Oh, and careful putting carbonated alcoholic beverages into an unapproved container. It might turn into a booze geyser when you try to open it. Just something I’ve heard…
I get in trouble at band concerts. Only because the band teacher is in love with her own voice and she yaps longer than the kids play. I fidgit and make rude comments (under my breath) but hubs still gets mad and tells me to sit still and be quiet.
I fucking HATE band concerts.
You know, Wal Mart sells alcoholic beverages in what looks like a Capri Sun Baggie. In both the wine and frozen foods section. Just saying.
Over Christmas, I won some tickets to the viewing of the new Veggie Tales Christmas Movie. It was being held at a Movie theater that served dinner and adult beverages. The tickets were given away by the local Christian radio station. My husband and I had a very similar conversation before we left the house. I told him he could chug a beer at home and carry a flask. We had to at least appear to be good examples 🙂
my freaking god
I am doing parents evenings wrong.
thank you!
Victor is clearly your soulmate!!!
Doesn’t everyone go to said events, parades, carnivals, and anywhere else with a high concentration of small children with alcohol in a water bottle or travel mug? And per the above commenter, you only get a geyser when you use a water bottle with a vacuum seal and a straw. If you use one of the new eco-friendly metal water bottles with the twist off top, no geyser – as long as you don’t shake the bottle.
In 15 years or so, I look forward to Hailey’s memoir.
Your book is currently 50% off at Amazon; I bought three in addition to the three I bought at my local Indie. I only ordered one bookmark, but I can’t wait to put it in my book!
~k
I never bring a flask or a water bottle full of vodka! You horrible parents!! I prefer a stainless steel uber-earth-happy decorated bottle filled with wine.
At first I read “Free Juanita Weasel stick puppet” as “Free Juanita Weasel!”
I was wondering when she had been imprisoned.
We’ve done that for our survival weekend! We had to learn to survive in the wilderness and the only thing we could have were water bottles. They even searched us and found hidden candies and crackers. They took everything they could find, but no one thought of smelling the water bottles for booze. Best campfire ever!
You know what else works? Pouring Bailey’s into the little frappuccino bottles from Starbucks. No one ever thinks it’s booze. Great for meetings, movie theaters, or any social event where alcohol is not served. But you didn’t hear that from me, of course. 😉
I actually totally sneak in drinks to some of my classes. Otherwise I would die. PS. I do not drive afterwards. I take the metro. So there. :-p I’m keeping the world safe!
I just want to know what you would have worn if Victor didn’t specify ‘normal clothes”. Lol!
When Hailey gets older you can do what I did last night allow her to drive your drunken ass around town while you party with friends.
Of course that includes hitting on random guys in the restaurant. Going to bowl at midnight. Having karaoke sessions with strap on penis’ too!
Hi, I’m Jenny Lawson. And I just wanted to say that I am an inspiring woman who has come so far, despite having an incredibly difficult, and yet hilarious, life. I am beyond amazing, so amazing that all of my heroes agreed to star in a book trailer for me.
So go me.
I would recommend deleting that comment because while scrolling down on your page I totally clicked on the wrong comments section. Sigh.
Dude. I feel your pain. Missouri City isn’t exactly a bastion of open-mindedness. Not the most hospitable environment for the mother of a seven-year-old who writes erotic romance. “Oh, what do YOU do for a living?” “…”
And they wonder why a) I don’t join the VIPS and b) I drink.
By the way, and not that I’d know from experience or anything, but Mountain Dew throwback is very similar in color to a margarita. Also, even stealthier than straight vodka? Greyhounds. Because a bottle of spiked orange juice would be too obvious, but if you have a bottle of ruby red grapefruit juice, NOBODY WILL SUSPECT it’s a multi-purpose adult beverage.
Hahaha Victor is my hero, now 🙂
Passing as normal parents is hard. We had a Human Body Feast at school and I considered making vagina cookies. Hailey is lucky to have you. She’s got *material* for a lifetime.
I love that it was Victor who suggested the water bottle subterfuge.
Never too old for BYOB. Victor is ingenious… Don’t tell him I said that though. It might go to his head.
Has Victor been let back into the Unicorn Success club now?
Something I love about Australia – All school functions are openly BYOB. No need to hide it. Actually, if you show up without drinks you’re more likely to stand out.
Bloggess, Your blog is the only thing that has made me smile at all this past week, and you can bet Juanita’s apron that I will be at the book signing in Florida! Thank you.
Back when I worked wardrobe in theatre, I had the occasional show where an actor would get busted for the vodka-in-the-water-bottle trick. As long as you’re not the ones performing, you shouldn’t get too much attention. 😉
Something that might be relevant to everyone’s interests–the Beerbelly/Wine Rack: http://www.thebeerbelly.com/category_s/30.htm
They’ve even been successfully used to get liquids past the TSA!
I totally bring my own flask. Well, not really. But I totally bring my own cup of iced tea with a shot of vodka in it. And all the other moms who do the same sit with me and talk shit about the moms who DON’T put vodka in their iced tea and come to PTO. Or something like that. What were we talking about again?
I have suddenly developed huge respect for Australia. Please tell me this statement ^^ is true!? I think we need this rule in Texas. Would totally change my mine about Perry.
good call with the smirnoff, victor, vodka is difficult to detect on the breath. i put chilled white wine in my water bottle and then i take my kid and dog for a walk down to the park, where i drink happily while they play. i think the other moms are onto me tho.
Or you can paste on of those water bottle labels to a flask and tell people it’s the new, “cool” way to drink water.
The End.
Not Miami!! ORLANDO!!
I’ll bribe you with Universal tickets or something……
Noooo! The video on the Chronical has been removed? Now I’m even curiouser!
My husband and I don’t have kids, for reasons such as those listed above. (Among many) So, with that said, I bow down to those of you who maintain your quirkiness and sense of humour among Kindergarten visits, play dates, and the usual kid-zone hububaloo. Bravo!
I went to four (yes, 4) baby showers yesterday. Let’s recap…NO ONE has alcohol at a baby shower anymore. That’s criminal. Now packing a flask for baby showers. And, thanks to Jenny, now packing a flask for the next elementary school awards ceremony. That was the point, right?
Okay, I may be biased, but why in the hell does one have a dress flask if she can’t take it to social functions? Though, I suppose a school function is more of a casual flask occasion…the kids have jam-hands and might gunk up the good flask. I wouldn’t really know, though. The general consensus seems to be that I shouldn’t spend time around children…more for my safety than theirs. Maybe that is related to why I have a dress flask.
See? It all works out in the end.
P.S. You are awesome, and the reason I keep tissues in my office–to mop up the giggle-tears when I read your posts.
P.P.S. Mint juleps are also awesome. Believe me, I know.
P.P.P.S. If you can’t bring a julep cup, Smirnoff in an emptied water bottle makes a monkey-trucking good substitute.
Okay, I may be biased, but why would one have a dress flask if she can’t take it to social occasions? Though, a school function may be more of a casual flask situation. Kids have jam hands, and they might gunk up the good flask. I wouldn’t really know. The general consensus seems to be that I shouldn’t spend much time around kids…more for my safety, than theirs. I guess maybe that explains why I own a dress flask.
See? It all works out in the end.
P.S. You are achingly awesome. You are the reason I keep tissues in my office–to mop up the giggle tears.
P.P.S. Mint juleps are also awesome. Not as awesome as you, but still awesome. Trust me. I know.
P.P.P.S. If you can’t have a flask, Smirnoff in an emptied water bottle is a monkey-trucking good substitute.
P.P.P.P.S. You are clearly an excellent parent. You were creatively problem-solving how to enjoy an event unlikely to yield genuine enjoyment, aside from doing parental obligation junk.
P.P.P.P.P.S. More than two post scripts is excessive. After that you have already gotten to say “pee-pee,” and there is no longer a point.
P.P.P.P.P.P.S. Tell that to the mint juleps.
Totally a conversation I’d have with my husband! Thanks for the laugh…as always.
Well,Very outstanding blog…
As always you make me giggle. I am a nanny and to be honest the kids movies tend to be terrible. I live in south Louisiana and we have adult beverages in the theaters, i wish i had a driver. Something to make Alvin and the Chipmunks part 3 million and 5 a bit bearable
Re: Victor’s Smirnoff comment. NOW I know why he’s married to you! It all makes sense.
Funny yet sweet conversation. And this is real effective post. It’s interesting and many could relate from it. No doubt there’s lot of comments. Keep it up.
This sounds similar to the conversations me n’ bubba have before heading out to the highschool. No, you can’t wear that. No, whatever you do, DON’T say that, do I smell like beer? You do! Here, have a piece of gum. Try not to sit too close to…. LOL at Victor… Can’t be judgin’, If I had to live with you I’d probably be swiggin on the vodka filled water bottle all day . heh.
When my kid played baseball, I would always show up to games (midweek, weekend, whenever) with a large plastic Tupperware cup filled with beer…and sunflower seeds of course…so I can fully appreciate the value of a good flask and kid events.
I read “Free Juanita Weasel” and totally thought I was going to see a stick puppet of Juanita behind bars or something, kind of the taxidermied-weasel version of Jane Fonda’s mug shot with a touch of Che Guevara. You know, FREE JUANITA! Bloggess, I adore you, and I feel awful saying this, but I’m a little disappointed.
Next book: Parenting Tips For The Awesome.
I see Victor in a new light.