Conversation between me and Victor:
me: Hey, just FYI? I just bought myself a celebration mouse instead of steak.
Victor: I already regret asking for clarification.
me: Well, I got a good review in Oprah’s magazine so I thought I deserved a steak dinner to celebrate, but I don’t really like steak so instead I thought to myself “Well what do you like?” and I realized that I like ethically taxidermied Victorian mice dressed in people clothes.
Victor: You just realized that?
me: Well “remembered” is probably more accurate. But here’s the deal, they were CRAZY CHEAP.
me: I may have bought five.
Victor: Motherfucker. THIS IS WHY YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED ON THE INTERNET.
me: Yes, but they were practically buy one, get four free because they were only $150 for the whole set. That’s like $8 bucks each.
Victor: Using what kind of fucked up Algebra?
me: 8 bucks a leg.
Victor: That’s not how math works.
me: It does with mice, plus they’re fancy mice.
Victor: Why? Because they’re white?
me: No, racist.
Victor: Dude. At the pet store all the “fancy mice” are white. Don’t blame me.
me: Fine, Victor. I’ll just blame the system. But no, they’re fancy because they’re all in black tie. AND THEY’RE IN AN ORCHESTRA.
Victor: Hang on. These mice are 150 pounds.
me: No fucking way. They’re MICE. They’re like 3 pounds COMBINED.
Victor: No, I mean the price is in British pounds. AND THIS IS WHY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO BUY CELEBRATION MICE ON THE INTERNET WITHOUT SUPERVISION.
me: You know what? You are ruining the whimsical celebration of these dead mice. Plus, I don’t understand the pound conversion. Is it 150 pounds of American cash? Because if I pay in wheelbarrows of pennies those Brits are screwed.
Victor: Please stop buying dead animals without asking me first.
me: You should have put that in our wedding vows.
Victor: You should stop buying dead mice playing instruments.
me: You should start making tiny coats and tails for these dead mice. Also, I need 150 pounds of money. I’m raiding your change drawer.
Victor: I don’t even feel safe in my own house anymore.
In related news, I want to celebrate with you too since you’ve been with me these last ten years of writing this book. The book comes out a week from tomorrow (!) so I’m giving away an autographed copy of the audio book on CD (read by me) which has extra outtakes and a bonus chapter.
All you have to do is submit a name for one of the mice (or the whole group) in the comments and I’ll choose someone at random to win. And again, thank you. I couldn’t have done this without your support. Seriously.
UPDATED: You people are get greatest dead animal namers in the history of ever and you should bookmark this page for the next time you have a hamster with no name. I’ll randomly pick a winner for the CD tomorrow but until then I just wanted to share a few of my favorites that you’ve shared:
“Mice-tro Wallace Hartley II and the Von Trapps”
“Ludwig Van Squeekhoven”
“Neil Patrick Harris”
“Viktor Aqualung Cumberbatch”
“Mathilda St. Whiskers”
“Lady Persephone Cheddarton”
Please, never stop…