April 15th wrap-up

in Random Crap

So, tomorrow I leave to go on tour.  Just like a famous rock star or artifacts of terrible disasters.  The difference being that my tour will probably culminate with me sitting alone at a card table while the bookstore cashiers look at me with pity.  Which is why I’m bringing my phone so I can just tweet the whole time.  Be prepared for lots of tweets.

But if you do want to come see me on tour (pretty please come, even if it’s just to say “Will you sign my boobs?”) then here’s my schedule.  Also, you might want to call first to find out the details and make sure there aren’t any rules against boob signing.  I’m sort of at their mercy when it comes to boobs and stuff.

Also, several people have asked if I put any special riders into my tour contract, like “a bowl of zebra eggs in the green room” and the answer is “no” because I don’t have a green room or a tour contract or the ability to demand zebra to lay eggs, but if I did I’d probably ask for one of my cats to go on tour with me because he makes me feel less terrified.  And I’d need a cat handler too.  But not one that was too good because I don’t want my cat to get used to the swank life and then have to go back to real life.  How are you going to keep them down on the farm when they’ve been stroked in some New York hotel by a certified cat fondler?  That’s why I’d want a cat handler who wasn’t very good with cats.  And some zebra eggs.

And now, time for the weekly wrap-up…

(graphic by Kelly Vivanco)

What you missed on Ill-Advised:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is brought to you by my friend from Look, a Red Herring!   Elle Persephone has just the right amount of honest and brutal and burlesque and pin curls and bacon pancakes.  It’s sort of like heaven in a blog.  You need to check it out.

 

261 thoughts on “April 15th wrap-up”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. You going on the book tour means that my copy of your book should bed arriving any day! *happy dance*

  4. I love living in Australia – except for the fact that we’re not on your book tour.

    Have fun. I have no doubt there will be lines out the door at every location, and that you will kick ass.

  5. Safe travelling and enjoy your tour! I reckon you have earned the rockstar right to sign other people’s boobs, regardless of what the bookstore cashiers think. My boobs currently aren’t located in the USA…but if they were I’d totally get you to sign ’em.

  6. You won’t be coming to a city near me. 🙁

    By the way, when I talk about you in my house, I refer to you as “The Chicken Lady” because my boyfriend knows you by the Beyoncé story. You almost always make me laugh and I love the honesty in your posts. I can’t wait to get your book! 🙂

  7. Ha ha Jenny I think the better part about a book tour is that you won’t get underwear chucked at you. Unless you are into that.

  9. Dude. The closest you’re coming to me is NY and that’s still in another county. And there’s this whole problem with not having a passport, blah blah blah. Else I would totally be there.

  11. You are not coming to the middle of nowhere Kentucky, but otherwise I’d totally be your mediocre cat handler. Also I’d let you sign my boobs, even though my husband probably wouldn’t understand.

  12. Oh, I so wish you were coming to Pittsburgh! Couldn’t wiggle that in between NY and LA, huh? Well, I have my signed bookplate and am eagerly awaiting my pre-ordered copy of the book any day now. I will have to be content.

  13. I managed a Barnes & Noble for many years -and saw literally hundreds of book signings. I only ever saw 1 person “blanked” – as in, nobody was interested in his book – he was a University of Maryland physicist who wrote a book of poetry. Ghastly poetry, and the events coordinator booked him solely as a favor to his wife, who was on some Jewish Women’s Committee with the events coordinator.

    You won’t – WON’T get blanked. You are funny, you are smart, and what you’ve written is good. Very good. You’re going to get overwhelmed by your blog freak friends. So don’t worry about it.

    And make sure to ask the event coordinator for a cup of Starbucks. You’ll at least get a free cup of Starbucks out of it. 🙂

    *hug* Enjoy your trip!

  14. I once took my chicken to a swank SoHo hotel. She got to hang out in the manager’s office while I went out to dinner. She liked the wallpaper in my room’s bathroom i – printed with birds. No, life was not the same when we returned home. Bring one of your taxidermied animals. Much easier.

  15. I doubt there will be one stop on your trip without tons of people waiting to meet you.

    I hope you have fun!

  16. You need to take a little soap dispenser and a hand towel, and maybe a roll of t.p., for when you feel like you need to retreat to the bathroom…you can pretend you are already there! Lots of love, Jenny! You will not be alone at any table, I swear.

  18. As a married man, am I forbidden from wanting to sign your boobs? Ha ha! Too bad you’re not coming to NC, but then again, I understand. It’s a lot like Texas, with maybe 25% more Waffle Houses.

  20. Well, when you’re in Austin on the 25th, you won’t be alone!!

    I’ll be there and pestering the hell out of you, I’m sure. You might want to have security on hand.

    Is Ferris going to be there?

    I will die if I walk in and there you are….sitting at a table….with a towel on your head….and Ferris sitting right up top.

    It would be heaven.

    Get security ready.

  24. Really? Guess I should hold on breast augmentation surgery until I find out if you’re coming nearby and able to sign them.

    You make me want to be a better large boobed man…

    Still giving away a copy of your book on my blog. Kindle version, or I’d sign it with my new boobs.

    WG

  25. I am super bummed that I will still be flying home to San Antonio when you are here signing on the 23rd! Oh, I guess I’ll just have to keep a copy on me in case I stalk you, er I mean accidentally see you around town….yeah, the 2nd one. =)

  26. Could you maybe switch your New York visit to the 18th? Because then I could prevent you from excessive texting AND not fail out of grad school. I would pull your cat’s tail in thanks.

  27. Confuckingratulations !!!! You are gonna be awesome on tour. OH maybe you will make it on TMZ. I can see it now ~~today jenny”thebloggess”lawson was arrested for trying to scoop up all the deceased animals on the side of the road. her story is she was trying to “save them” for future taxidermy purposes.~~~hahahahaha you are gonna be great !!

  29. I can’t believe you’re not coming to my small town in British Columbia. It’s like you’re ignoring my boobs on purpose! Also, is this why I’m frequently the only one there at Wednesday night Unicorn Success Club?

  30. WHAT?! You aren’t hitting up the Pacific NW at all?? Oh, how Portland will miss you. I mean, come on, we gave you inspiration for the witty bird bag! The least you could do is come by and sign our boobs. Our collective, birdy, boobs.

    Really, though, congrats! Book tours are for rock stars, and I’m sure you’ll be received with love and good times.

  31. Rachel Dratch makes a pretty damn awesome cat wrangler. And she’s unemployed. Win/win. Are zebra eggs white on the outside and black on the inside? Because that’d be disgusting.

  32. Not going to lie, but I’m a little disappointed in the tour list. Why isn’t Milwaukee included? This needs to be rectified because Milwaukee (contrary to popular belief) is AWESOME. Two words: Brewery Tour. Or if beer doesn’t float your boat (because, let’s be honest, most people think beer is just some disgusting beverage you pick up for a football game, but is totally amazing here in Wisconsin): Distillery Tour. And I’m here and would bring my cats to your signing so you could feel comfortable.

    Other great aspects include:
    -Milwaukee was featured in a zombie movie AND in Spinal Tap
    -There is a taxidermy school a few hours north of here.
    -Lake Michigan is beautiful and Veteran’s park is one of the top ten places to fly a kite.

    Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease?

  33. I thought the store in Houston said you had to buy a BOOK in order to get it signed… maybe that was a typo?

    ~EdT.

  35. I still can’t believe you’re coming to San Angelo! I will be there with bells on! (possibly literally)

  38. Have fun on your book tour (even though you are not coming anywhere near me so I can’t attend. Maybe that’s for the best). Looking forward to your tweets! 🙂

  41. my bookplate came! And Amazon says I’ll receive your book Tuesday! And I get to see you in L.A. Thursday! I’m having a Jenny Lawson week.
    Take care of yourself on book tour, you brave thing you.

  42. If at all possible I will come see you in San Angelo and I’ll even buy a book. I’m still undecided on the boob signing. Can’t wait.

  44. I just got my bookplate!!! Can’t wait to put it in your book that comes this week!!!!!!! If only you were coming on tour to my area so I could get that signed too :(.

  45. YEAH! I will be at the Houston signing at Blue Willow with bells on! The bells will be on my nipples, hanging from scented tassels. I enjoy a nice fragrance when they swing. I hope that won’t interfere with the boob signing?? … oh dear, now I must rethink my whole ensemble.

  46. Oh, how I wish you were going to be closer to me than NYC! Or I wish I didn’t have all sorts of dumb stuff that I HAVE to do Tuesday night. I’ll be thinking about you, though! And Amazon promises I’ll have your book in my hands on Wednesday. I CAN’T WAIT!!! Squeeee!

  47. since you have anxiety,and several of your readers have anxiety, and you are not able to visit every location so lots of readers are left out *cough* Canadians *cough* it is too bad no one has invented virtual book signing yet. Like a group Skype in then we could watch you sign your name on paint shop pro and email it to whoever skyped in ….

  48. If you were coming to Denver I would totally have you sign my boobs, and my butt and anything else you wanted to sign. Since you’re not coming here, I’ll just have to make due with the bookplate that arrived in the mail this week.

  50. Enjoy the tour, go on, it’ll be a hoot! Possibly … If you were coming anywhere near me, I’d come honest.
    I am SO teaching my children how to make bombs and evening gowns. That was what you meant, right?

  51. LOL…I loved reading your tour dates. All these big citites then San Angelo! Don’t you know people are going…where in the world is San Angelo?? Wish I lived close to one of the cities you were going to! Any chance you ever make it to Ruidoso, NM? Have a great trip and I would so go with you as your cat wrangler 😉

  54. I highly doubt you’ll have time to tweet during the book signings. I’m sad you aren’t coming anywhere near me. We have Crystal Bridges, the amazing museum of Amrican art here. There are some beautiful pieces of art there. If that doesn’t entice you to come to NW Arkansas, I will throw in a batch of my grandma’s family secret recipe peanut butter fudge for you. I have testimonials to how worth a trip here is in exchange for fudge. 😀

    Seriously though, have a safe trip and I hope someone will let you bring your cat. Not all “security blankets” are blankets or even inanimate objects. 🙂

  55. Please (pleasepleaseprettyplease) come through Chicago on your book tour, i will bring you pie (because everyone loves pie)! And i promise to sit with you all day if no one else shows up and do silly dances to keep you amused.

  56. I’m extremely allergic to cats, especially tabby cats, and am negligent with pets. I think I’m your gal!

  57. You can sign my boobies any time! I wish I had money so I could go there and you could signed them…

  58. Are you sure you don’t want to come to Portland? Or maybe Seattle? I’d be willing to drive the 3 hours to Seattle. The Pacific northwest is awesome, you know…

  60. Jenny, Have Fun.
    I checked ‘Zazzle’ hoping for a T with “Will you sign my boobs ?”
    No luck, What the **** ? (four letter word many optional, My choice)
    I’m in my early 60s so a T with proper boobs (long decolletage) for more future ‘live’ signage. No little dixie cups.
    Would like one boob signed by Will Wheaton, the other by Jenny L.
    What a tease, got my signed book card yesterday…musta been one of the early ones because I can read it, no book yet !

  61. Jenny, you will need two signs, one saying “Line for Jenny Lawson signing”. The other saying “Line for restrooms”.

  62. I’d wish you luck on the tour and all, but I’m kind of distracted by the fact that you found a human boob (that was, presumably, not attached to the rest of a human). Was it real? Did you write about it in your book? I mean, I found a lizard’s tail once and talked about it for days.

  64. I’ll be there in New York – can’t wait to see you. And now you know you’ll have at least one known & friendly face in the crowd! (Unless my babysitter bags out on me again, grrrrrrr!)

  65. Hi Jenny!
    I’m so excited to read your book…..
    And, what’s extra cool is that my 38 year old sister is scheduled to have her first baby on April 17!!
    It’s gonna be a great big day!!!
    My nephew Blake and your book….all in the same day….
    What a party!!

  66. Good luck on the tour! I’m still disappointed that you won’t be coming to Philadelphia, but maybe the first tour will be such a rousing success that an East Coast part 2 will be scheduled.
    And thanks for the bookplate, and to the commentors who alerted me that I shouldn’t assume the slim envelop from Penguin was junk mail and throw it away.

  67. I would murder to have you sign my boobs. By murder, I mean drive to my local (or semi-local) bookstore to visit you. By boobs, I mean whatever the hell you call these post-baby apocalyptic nightmares I put in my bra every day. But you’re not coming to my state (I don’t blame you; it sucks AND blows here).
    Though, rumor has it, California isn’t very far from here. It could give me an excuse to go on my second road trip ever!
    And a giant CONGRATS… this must be insanely exciting

  68. Have fun on tour. If I find a zebra capable of laying eggs, I’ll send it your way.
    Can I send a dragon? It could be easier…
    How about if people would bring their cats to meet you? Would that help?

  70. When I get paid next Friday, I’m planning on ordering your book on my Nook (well, a generic Nook which is SO nowhere near as awesome). I’d LOVE to come see you when your tour stops in Houston, but I have to buy the book from the bookstore at $25 to see you and have you sign it. A great rider would be to let those of us on a budget still get to come and have you sign a post-it that we can stick on the inside of our Nook cover so we FEEL like it’s an autographed copy.

  71. Boo 🙁 You aren’t coming near me…I would totally let you sign my boobs and then tweet the picture

  72. Please, please, please come up to the Pacific Northwest! We quirky Pacific Northwest folks lover your quirky style! Portland is a fun and fantastic city to visit….

  73. I really hate those posts that say “Why aren’t you coming to my city? Wa Wa Wa”

    So, how come no Boston? We’d sign your cat and stroke you boobs all you want.

  75. Really you’re going to be at a card table??? I thought I would have to find you in the bathroom, and I was planning on going there first. I might anyway, because I am sure the lines will be long to have you sign anything. Yeah, no one wants me to scare little babies and give old men heart attacks showing my boobs. So, can I bring the book I pre-ordered and now is on its way? I have your book signing date written on my calendar, and have given up a much needed pedicure just to see you. You will recognize me with the claw like toenails, and the “ahem, covered up boobs”
    E.

  76. I’m so sad that you’re not going to be anywhere NEAR Chicago. How am I supposed to come see you if you won’t even meet me halfway? Sigh. Well, good luck and have fun. I hope your tour locations have very nice bathrooms but that you don’t have to hang out in them too often.

  78. Dear Jenny,

    I literally purchased plane tickets to Dallas WEEKS ago because you’re not coming to Chicago. I am dragging my husband, who thinks I am quite crazy, with me. So when you see a squeaky flaily girl with sort of sticky-outy ears towing an exasperated boy, that’ll be me and Ryan.

    Fondly,

    Lauren@FilingJointly

  79. I fully plan on coming by during your stop at Corte Madera! 🙂 (And I am totally requesting a photo… for which I may or may not acquire some twine beforehand.)

    And @Wendy, YAY that you’ll be there too!

  81. BE SAFE!!!! Don’t let any groupies steal your underwear to sell on Ebay! And don’t get any of them pregnant. And please, PLEASE, never say “cat fondler” again.

  82. Have fun, and take the cat 🙂 If he makes you happy, I say bring him into the bookstores with you…and why aren’t you stopping through Atlanta?? Sad puppy face

  84. I am taking the entire day off of work and will probably be outside of the bookstore before they open that morning.

    AND… now you say that you’re willing to sign BOOBS? Oh, I am SO bringing my Sharpie… and my boobs….! And because I’ve been to signings at this bookstore in the past, I am completely prepared for them to mandate that I buy a copy of the book there. Even though I have had my book pre-ordered since November.

    Sadly, the envelope that should have contained my bookplate was empty. However, getting my boobs signed will TOTALLY make up for it. Plus, I may finally get to meet Lisa… unless she manages to get the restraining order before then.

    I will endeavor to not sob hysterically out of the sheer joy of getting to meet you. Mostly because I don’t want tears staining my freshly signed boobs. Do you think they could arrange an on-site tattoo artist so I can get your signature permanently inked on my boobs?

    In summation, I am pretty damn sure that you will NOT be alone when you come to Dallas. I know that I will be there. 11 days, 4 hours, 4 minutes and 55 seconds from now… (if, you know, I was counting)

  85. I have already preordered your bbok and I can’t wait. You aren’t touring near me though, so no signed copy for me.

  87. I wish you were coming to MA or NH. My boyfriend and I would gladly road trip to the top of NH or to the bottom of MA to see you, but New York is unfortunately just too far away. Sad.

    I’m definitely going out first thing on Tuesday just to buy the book, at least. Yay.

  88. I want to know how to become a certified cat fondler. I’ve been contemplating a career change. (And if you ever get to the Northwest, I will totally come to the signing. I don’t think anyone here would complain about boob-signage. I’d just have to hike them up for you.)

  89. Alas, the closest you will be to me in NYC and that’s a 4 hour trip. Maybe I’ll bring my book to BlogHer and try to find you in the bathroom for my own, private signing. I’ll bring xanax and wine slushies.

  90. NOOOOO! I can’t make it to any of those places!! Come to DC so I can bask in your awesome!!!!!

  91. So I used to live near Austin, in Dallas, and in San Angelo, now I live in the Rio grande valley. Not fair, not fair, not fair.

  92. But will you sign chicken breasts? As in giant metal chicken breasts?
    She’s 5 feet tall, my Charlene. See you in San Antonio!

  93. I guess the chicks that wrote and edited the Reuters article felt REALLY comfy with you by the end:
    “Law believes …”

    (Reporting By Andrea Burzynski, Editing by Christine Kearney)

    Great article, tho! And I wish I could come see you on the tour, but because Los Angeles won’t allow you to sit in a bookstore, and due to lack of employment opportunities, I can’t swing the MERE twenty bucks the Writers Guild wants, I guess I’ll have to just pick up your book at Target and pretend you’re reading it to me. 🙁

  95. (I have a gift card that will cover the cost of the book @ Target, so at least there’s THAT!) 🙂

  96. Jenny!

    http://trailerparklounge.com/

    …if you can choose where to eat when you’re in NY, eat at the Trailer Park Lounge! There is a velvet picture of Elvis with his front tooth blacked out, a tribute to Tanya Harding and Spam (not in the same tribute, of course), and a working tv on top of two non working tvs! Lots of kitsch….and you can eat tater tots out of a red basket. You will freakin love it

    Or you can go to the Cowgirl Hall of Fame in the Village. It’s delish!

    http://cowgirlnyc.com/menu_dinner.html

    Hope to see you at you book signing!

  97. just loving the quote at the end of the HP interview:

    [“I mean, if you’re a writer or a journalist, you basically already have something wrong with you.” She pauses awkwardly. “Aaaaand I just insulted you.”

    Thank goodness for the advance apology.]

    Classic!!

  98. Aww poopy. Dallas is the closest one to me and it’s still hours away. If you some how manage to get lost in Wichita Falls, I will help you…. help you what, I don’t know, but I’m sure you’ll have some rockin’ ideas. Hope you have a wonderful tour. 🙂

  99. What the fuck? California? New York Ciiiiiitttttyyyy? You must come to ATLANTA! We’d bring you a pitcher of sweet tea and keep you company in the bathroom if you had a panic attack! We invented crazy! 🙂

  101. ALSO, don’t have need of a radiator, because I refuse to live anywhere cold enough to prefer a radiator over something like, say, CENTRAL HEAT, but I LOVE the Thermosaurus! Thank you for that link!

  102. You’re tour will be epic, and it is simply not possible that you won’t have line ups.
    How I wish I could be there! Alas I have Shingles and am in Toronto, so a long drive is not in my future. Instead I plan on stalking you at the BEA because I hear you’ll be wandering around at the Blog Expo. I promise to ask you to sign my boobs, but I will be bring my dead aunts boobs, just for you.
    Thank god for your book, I can’t anything else that would make having Shingles enjoyable!

  103. It is a sad irony to me that part of what has made you the fabulous and slightly deranged person that you are is that you grew up in a small, rural town. But those of us who live in small, rural towns and can’t get the time off work to drive to the nearest urban area where they keep all those people (ick. People. That’s why I live in the country.) that make it likely you will get the audience and adoration you deserve are left out in the cold. Once you’re more famous than now and your publishers will pay to let you do anything you like I am hoping you will bust out the rural tour- grange halls, bowling alleys, funeral parlors, tractor shows, creepy little family cemeteries. And I promise I will come to as many backasswards places as I can.

    (Then you need to come to San Angelo, my last stop, and tiny hometown. ~ Jenny)

  104. 1. I actually have “cat fondler” on my resume from a stint at an animal shelter. My job was to pet cats so they got socialized and didn’t become feral bastards. For some it was already TOO LATE. I have the scars to attest.

    2. I could bring my cat to your signing in Corte Madera for some substitute kitty comfort but he’s not great on a leash (I’ve been trying to train him for when we have to run for our lives during the Zombie Apocalypse. Yes, I too have a plan. He has his own Apoca-Prep Bag. I just made up that term. LICENSED.)

    3. Dammit, licensing cancelled. Someone is already using that term as their Twitter handle. Mad props to them.

  105. The offer of the Graceland tour (Shag carpet on the ceiling! Televisions with gunshot wounds! Stories of peanut butter and banana sandwiches!!) is still open if you add Memphis to your tour schedule–or to your list of summer vacation hotspots.

    I received my email from Amazon a few hours ago saying that my copy of your book had shipped. I got so excited when I received my bookplate yesterday that I decided to order copies for my three best friends, too. I am a college instructor, and this is the crunch time of the semester, but I have decided to use “Let’s Pretend” as a grading incentive: Grade a stack of papers, read another chapter. Thanks for the motivation!

    Wishing you much success on your tour!

  108. Hey, your SF stop is actually in Corte Madera (which is north of the Golden Gate Bridge in Marin County). If you have time, get your agent to get you a slot at Kepler’s in Menlo Park, which is about an hour south. Great local bookstore that hosts famous authors all the time (and yes, you are one). I promise, you will not be left alone at a folding table. Promise.

  109. SAN ANTONIO!!!!! I will be there with boobs to sign and my best cat-fondling/handler outfit EVER!!!!
    It’s been on my calendar since announced.
    I am working on a special gift too!
    Can’t wait

  111. I would totally LOVE for you to sign your book and my boobs for me but, I live in this place called Indiana!! Middle of no fuckin where……so guess I’ll just order it!!! I love you to pieces!!!

  112. Rumor has it that there are some insane, funny, devoted booksellers at O’Hare that would do just about anything if you would do a fly-through. Cocktails could be consumed. Between the two unmentioned (and perhaps, unmentionable) booksellers there are seven cats. One or two of the cats could be brought through security for your comfort. Said booksellers would even be sure to trim the cats’ nails first. All cats, and booksellers, have had their shots.

    Why, oh WHY, aren’t you coming to Chicago? We are gnashing our teeth and rending our clothes in agony.

  113. Aaaaa, Jenny! I just got my signed bookplate in the mail and it made me jump up and do a little happy dance but then I got sad really, very fast because I don’t and won’t have an actual BOOK to put it in. I pre-ordered your wonderfulness for my kindle and now I’m feeling kinda stupid because I really, really, really want to have a book with pages AND a cover to hold my bookplate. Then I thought that I might get to go to a book signing and have a book autographed and then put the bookplate in it so it’s like double signed, but I live on an island that you are going NOWHERE near. Curse the pacific and all it’s oceany-ness, but good luck to you on your I’m-a-writing-rock-star tour.

  114. I will be seeing you when you hit Austin and am super excited…I think that bookstore won’t have an issue with you signing my boobs!

  115. You SOOOOO will NOT be ALONE! And you’re crazy if you think you will be. Or maybe just crazy anyway, but that’s why we love reading your posts!

  116. OMGosh I am so going to have to break out my passport & drive one county south to Miami to see you in May. I have my bookplate already but seeing you in person will be worth it. And I think I’ll bring you a cat to pet so you feel better……

  117. I will be there in NY! If you want I could make a really big scene and get escorted out by security so everyone thinks you’re important enough to have crazy stalkers, which pretty much ensures they’ll all stay for the reading. New Yorkers love crazy shit, as long as we can avoid eye contact and pretend we don’t actually know it’s happening.

  118. I suppose that I should have mentioned that the renegade booksellers at O’Hare can get you through security without waiting in line or getting frisked. For reals. Unless, of course, you WANT to get frisked. Then, we can round up the one cute TSA agent in the entire building and have him do it.

    Not having to wait at security + cocktails + cats + wonderful fangirl booksellers = Chicago FTW.

  119. I wish you were coming to Tampa! I will be looking forward to your tweets from the tour. Good luck! We love you!

  121. Dear Jenny,
    You kick ass. And I don’t even say that word. But you do. And if anyone could make zebras lay eggs, it’s 100% you. Have fun on tour. Cone to Utah next time. Or don’t… We don’t have much booze here…
    Love,
    Me

  122. Have fun on your tour. Wish you was coming to the South. I got notice my book shipped out today!!!! wooflippinghoo!!!

  123. So wish you were coming to St. Louis. But your personally signed bookplate arrived this weekend so I guess that will have to do. The guy at the indie store where I pre-ordered my book sent me an e-mail telling me my order was in process and AT THAT MOMENT he was reading your book and it was one of the funniest things he had read. He just likes to be cruel, I’m guessing. Why couldn’t he have just given me that copy?

  125. If you had a tour stop anywhere near me I would camp out overnight to see you. I will be cheering you on from a distance!

  126. I got my book plate! I got my book plate! I got my book plate!!!! I’m giddy and starstruck. Now if only my book would come! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!

  127. Have fun Jenny, Especially out here in sunny California! I wish I can go out to see you but the timing isn’t working for me. *Sob*

  128. Also, why aren’t you coming to Minneapolis? We love you in Minneapolis. I will find zebra eggs if you come to Minneapolis.

  130. Oh, honey… if you were coming to Tallahassee, I’d come sit at the table with you and wear a sombrero just so people would know where we were. A glittery lime green one. With gold stitching. Just let me know so I can find one before you get here.

  131. Anne LaMott went on tour recently for her new book and missed her pets so much, she came up with a glorious idea. That hotels should have loaner pets that you could check out for the night, so you’d have one to sleep with when you’re lonely on trips.
    Thought that was a great idea.

  132. Noooooo! I was totally making plans to go have you sign my boobs on the 20th, but then I did the math and I’m playing Dungeons and Dragons that night (because I’m a giant nerd). I can’t even skip out on it because I’m running the game.

  133. I want to go to the one in Dallas, but I live two and a half hours away! How long will you be signing books?

  134. My husband thinks he is booking my flight to come see him after his week of work in San Francisco…I told him I’d like to have dinner Friday night in Corte Madera, and a browse at a certain bookstore there, too. He’s a little puzzled, but a hella good sport, so we’ll see you then & there!

    @Heidi, @Wendy, looking forward to joining your cheering squad for Jenny!

  135. I’m looking, but I don’t see Seattle on the tour list. It’s there, isn’t it? Right between San Francisco and San Antonio. Like April 21/22ish. Pretty please?

  136. I so wish that your book tour took you north of the 49th parallel (i.e., Canada). I have major cleavage real estate for you to sign.

  137. That radiator has been making the rounds! Personally I’d warm my hat, scarf and mittens on it during cold winters days by dressing it up in those layers. Hee.

  138. I just want you to know that I was seriously considering (like…almost to the actual planning phase) traveling down to NY city from eastern MA just so I could meet you face to face. It would have been epic, and I am sure you would totally have been worth the trip. I can’t, because of an ill parent, which is a pretty darn good excuse, but I’m sad now. Please send me much mental love………and then plan a book tour stop in MA.

  139. Wishing you all the best! Looking forward to your tweets, and to your book arriving in my mailbox! Hope to see you sometime in Canada!

  140. Are you coming to Roanoke, VA? Please? I’ll come to see you so you can sign my copy of your book, and/or my man boobs if you must.

  142. Dang, can’t make any of those cities and I was all ready to ask to sign your boobs.

  143. Happily doing the “I got My Bookplate Boogie” tonight! I’m so glad to have one since Blue Willow won’t let me near you with a 10 foot alligator in drag, er … I mean a 10 foot pole. I won’t say it hasn’t crossed my mind to pay the money to buy a second copy for the privilege of standing before you and having you sign my book, but I think I’m just going to come and hang out on the fringes of the crowd to soak in your awesomeness without making the extra purchase.

  144. Aaaahhhh! Amazon just told me that my copy of your book has shipped. I cannot wait to get my hands on it!!

  145. And I truly wish you were coming closer to pueblo colorado

    i would skip work call in dead and give you zebra eggs if i had to rip them from the zebra themselves

  146. My husband and I already arranged a babysitter so we can see you in Dallas! The lady at the bookstore told me they have had lots of calls about it and expect a big crowd. Not sure if that makes you feel better or worse… We could always just hang out in the bathroom and you can sign my boobs in there.

  147. As IF your fans will leave you sitting alone in a Barnes and Noble or Costco or wherever it is you will be signing books. You will be bombarded by loving hoards. Just not in Boston since you seem adverse to coming north. Bygones. I still have my book plate to keep me company, and soon your book will be here. Smooches and hugs and you will never ever be alone on this tour.

  148. I was so excited when I hear you were going on tour! I was ready to buy the book and stand in line to get you to sign it. Sadly though, I barely would have enough to buy the book, so I can’t afford to pay for the $20 Writers Guild is charging to see you. I suppose it could just have you sign my boobs, but sharpie and markers makes my boobs get sweaty. And if they get sweaty then the children I work with will point at me when they see me and ask me why my boobs are sweaty. Then I’ll give them a really awkward answer that doesn’t make sense. Then they will their parents the awkward answer in a more awkward way that makes my excuse sound even worse. Then I’ll have random parents asking me why I keep a duck in my shirt. I just don’t want to have to go through that again. Still, I wish you the best of luck on your book tour and book sales.

  153. You’ll be two hours away from me but I can’t make it 🙁 So I wish you luck and lots of boob to sign. Enjoy SF.

  155. Have tons of fun! If I didn’t have to eat and sleep and pay for shit, I’d totally leave work to come see you.

  156. Good luck on your tour – you are going to be great!! Wish I was somewhere close so that I could meet you too! I’m sure the lign ups will be long. 😉

  157. I would so come to a signing if you were making a stop in Boston. New York is just a little too far away for me =(

  158. I’m so excited that I’ll be seeing you on Tuesday in NY (I’m actually terrified that your signing will be full before I get there and I won’t be allowed in). I can promise you at least two people at that signing…me and my coworker who I’m bringing along so I don’t have to wander the streets of NY alone. I’m from New Jersey and public transit terrifies me…as do large cities, but I’m going to brave them in my red dress so I can meet you…and maybe have you sign my boobs…or at least your book.

  159. HOLY CRAP I’ll be flying in to LA on the 19th for vacation and I’m driving straight to see you as soon as we land. AMAZING!!! I CAN NOT WAIT! (this’ll be the highlight of my vaca, husband’s just going to have to deal!)

  160. Jenny,

    I had breast cancer last year and recently got my own set of prosthetic boobs. If I was going to be anywhere near one of your tour venues, I would PROUDLY have you sign my boobs! That might actually become my new mission in my life, to be honest – your blog got me through some bad times.

    Congratulations on your success! I’m so excited for you!
    Love,
    Lisa

  161. I would give anything for your tour to hit central Ohio. My husband promised to take me if you came close enough. Please please please come close enough. You can sign anything you want!

  163. *I* will be at your book signing in New York. I’m also completely terrified because I also have an anxiety disorder and am afraid that: 1) you won’t like me; and 2) there will be so many people there I won’t be able to handle the crowd and will need to go away and hide; and 3) I might get to see you for 3 seconds while you scribble your name and then say “next” because I’m too nervous to say hello and there are thousands of other people waiting. But I came all the way to New York City from Australia so I will never forgive myself if I don’t come and meet you on the one day in my life I might have the chance to do so.

  164. On the positive side — I received my signed bookplate, and hoping to get my book any day now.

    On the sad side — did not see Denver on your tour list. You’d love it here! Please come! And you made our paper today, one of the very few books listed as newly out, with blurb, etc… See, Denver loves you!

  165. So I posted a pic of the “Lady Garden” onsie on my facebook with a poll as to whether or not I should purchase it -I’m mainly thinking of doing it so my mother-in-law faints from the horribleness of it all. (muah ha ha ha)- and my friend had a GREAT IDEA!
    You need it in adult sizes.

  167. Totally bummed you’re not coming to Chicago… My boobs are most magnificent, but they are incomplete without your signature!
    I’m just going to have to settle for putting the bookplate that just came in the mail on my boobs and taking a picture for the internets to show my sadness that it’s not in sharpie directly on them.

  168. I see that you are not coming to Madison, WI–the Cultural Epicenter of the Universe–and I have to tell you, the unicorns are going to be very, very disappointed.

    If you change your mind, let me know. Me and the unicorns will be the first in line.

  169. No touring in the Midwest??? They do have a sense of humor up here. Minneapolis/St. Paul is quite the thriving metropolis.

  171. I so wish I could go! If you had an appearance in Louisiana, I would be there in a heartbeat (well, as fast as possible…. I do live in back woods LA, so it would take multiple heartbeats).

  173. You’re going to find it completely exhausting. Make sure they schedule in some down time for you. But enjoy meeting the utterly amazing people who will overwhelm you with their numbers!

  174. Have you ever heard of the author Peter Gethers? He wrote 3 books about traveling with his cat Norton. Norton even pooped in Roman Polanski’s bathtub once. You should totally bring your cat.
    I can totally relate to wanting your cat with you. I’ve been trying to qualify mine as companion animal for coping with depression and anxity, so I can move him in with me in my no pets allowed student housing. But the state of Indiana doesn’t see my point. A cat shaped pillow pet is not the same.

    Best of luck, have fun! and if you meet my friend Andrew in San Antonio, hug him for me.

  175. I’m pretty sure the boob-signing is legal in Marin County. I’ll be bringing my camera man to capture the moment. Just trying to figure out how to work my triple-spatula into the act…

    That Thermosaurus is way cool. My kids would flip OUT.

  179. Why no pacific northwest dates on your tour? Come to Vashon Island we have a beyonce.

  180. I note that your tour does not bring you to New Zealand. *sad face*. Hey, if I post you my boobs, will you sign them and send them back?

  181. I will totally be your cat handler, and since I’m not really a cat person, I wouldn’t be very good at it. Have a fantastic tour! I can’t wait to read your book!

  182. Ok – at the risk of my wife killing me in my sleep (or possibly beating me *I fell down the stairs, honest*), because she is insanely jealous of you. . .I would totally move into your house and be your professional cat handler full time so that you can take your cat with you on tour and not have to worry about it getting used to the swanky life. . .also, I wish you could come to NZ so I could ask you to sign my boobs.

    P.S. Please note that my wife does not beat me and that, although this is a joke, Domestic Abuse is NOT a joke. . .

  183. I had to face my anxiety and talk to customer service today so that I could come to the first day of your book tour. It feels all poetic justicey in here.

  184. OMG – I AM coming from Australia and just happen to be staying in Houston about 2 miles from Blue Willow on the 24th. You don’t have to sign my boobs or anything…how about a thumbprint on my Kindle screen?

  185. Safe travels, Jenny! You’ll knock ’em dead for sure… wish I could attend your NYC stop but alas, work beckons. Besides, I am sure the crowd will be thousands deep at your card table and I won’t be able to get my boobs anywhere near you. 🙂

  187. I’m sooo sad that I won’t get to see you on your book tour! (Unless you’re planning to launch one here in Egypt, I’ll just have to mail you a book for signing once I get back to the Republic of Texas.) But I have a TON of friends and family in Texas, so I pimped out your schedule on my Facebook page.

    Thank you for saying “lady garden” during a CNN interview. You are OFFICIALLY my hero.

  188. I love the blood loss due to a tropical storm. You really must add somewhere in the vicinity of NC, VA, SC to your schedule. I’m too poor to stalk you properly from greater distances. Happy Tour!

  189. Ya know….Washington DC is just a short train ride from NYC….just saying.

  191. You will be nowhere NEAR Michigan!!!!! That’s horribly depressing. Now I don’t get to see you OR get my boobs signed.

  192. COME TO CANADA!!! The igloos and sleddogs (plus all other stereotypes) will be gone, it’ll be warm I swear! (Unless you come from October to March, then it’s just best to stay in Texas)

  193. Wait! You’re missing the entire Midwest!

    Could you at least come to Chicago? We are a pretty big city, you know!

  194. I have anxiety about driving at night but you are coming to La Cantera at 7 PM which means I will have to drive in both rush hour traffic there and darkness on the way home since it’s on the other side of town from me BUT I will make it happen!!!!!! I got my nameplate in the mail. So to recap, I ordered a nameplate and I’m driving across town at night probably screaming the whole way there out of anxiety and anticipation at seeing you sitting at your card table. My kids think I’m a stalker!

  196. I am flying into Austin from DC JUST to attend your book signing @ BookPeople! Ok, I may sneak in a visit to the Grandparents, too….

  197. I love you, but I am not driving 698 miles in my third trimester to see you! Sorry, if I won’t do half that for my cousin’s wedding, then I can’t justify doing it for you either. Though I suppose book stores are more likely to have bathrooms than beach weddings.

  198. Love this weekly wrap-up.. Good luck for your next journey! I hope you can post more of this too..

  200. That’s a great tour – very broad! Unfortunately, you’re not going to be in my area.

    But I was SO excited to see your book in my local bookstore. I read bits out to the friend I was meeting there.
    And you should totally take your cat with you. And imagine all the lines of readers with their books to be wearing funny wigs/hats. (the “imagine them in their underwear” thing never works for me, but someone in a clown wig would totally not be intimidating.)

  201. I was so excited when my bookplate came in the mail. After first being confused about what it was, I hurriedly ripped it open only to discover that my envelope was perfectly stuck on top of someone else’s. At first, I thought, “SWEET. Two autographed bookplates. So sorry to poor schmuck who’s envelope got stuck to mine.” But that’s just wrong…I can’t let a fellow Bloggess-lover wonder what happened to her personally signed bookplate (sure to be a treasured item). So…Hollie in Arlington (if you read this), I’m packaging your envelope up and sending it on to you…if I can remember to take it to the post office.

    Although, having a second bookplate (and of course, I’d buy a second book to put it in) got me thinking of all the wonderfulness I could spread. There are so many people I would love to share your awesomeness with. How could I pick just one? And no, I’m not about to give up my copy.

    My kids’ school just had an auction where one of the items was an autographed copy of the Cake Boss’s book. I don’t know how much it went for, but I’m sure your book would do much better. Your brand of crazy is so much more appealing to us Texans than his crazy New Jersey family. No offense to fans of crazy New Jersey families, but the closer alike things are, the stronger attraction. Therefore, proximity/location alone should make your book more desirable (and raise more money for our school). That, and Texans like all things Texan (except in the case of colleges and don’t get me started on that!)

  203. First of all, Casey, you’re a rock star.

    Second, I had to explain to my husband what a bookplate is, and why I received one.

    Third, I adamantly refuse to whine that you aren’t coming to my city. I’m sad, but I’m not gonna bitch about it.

  204. Can I just say I’m totally bummed that you’re going to Marin? So close, yet so difficult to get to. I really think your people should have hooked you up with a stop in the Silicon Valley. It’s all old, wealthy, white people up there. All the cool people are down here.

  205. I really wish you were coming to Pittsburgh, PA or even nearby *shudder* Cleveland, OH. I’d totally come and buy another book just to have you sign it to me! But I know you can’t be everywhere and I’m so glad I got a bookplate and I hope your arm and hand have grown back in time!

  207. My book plate came in the mail the other day. My husband opened the mail and said, “Um…Kath, I am afraid to ask.” I tried to explain to him, but he just stared at me and I laughed…a lot.

  208. The Amazon gods swooped into my mailbox to tell me my book has shipped. Well, your book. I don’t live near one of your book tour stops, so I might stage a reading in my bathroom and sign my own boobs. I hope that doesn’t sound creepy.

  209. I’m sad that you’re not coming within a 2 hour drive of Washington DC.
    2 hrs in a car is completely reasonable for a semi-spontaneous road trip…and ditching work for a day.
    I would have brought cupcakes (and a flask).
    In fact…I’d have volunteered to be an impromptu MC…causing a ruckus and calling folks over for boob signage.
    It would be a blast. Next tour for sure!!

  210. You can come visit my cat while you’re in Los Angeles. She’s tremendously helpful…mostly because she looks at all people with utter disdain, so there’s absolutely no pressure to perform. But she’s here for you if you need her, as long as she can keep up her bustling trade in withering glances.

  211. I will be at your LA tour date! I’ve already warned the friend that’s coming with me that I’m probably going to fan-girl out all over you, but I will try to keep it contained. And I’m totally going to have you sign my boobs now that you’ve opened that door! 🙂 Can’t wait!

  212. Ohhhh… I see – you’re only going to the BIG fancy cities!! What about those of us in North Deekotah who want our boobs signed?

  214. WHAT! You’re not coming to Portland, Oregon home of the famous Powell’s Book store!
    If you don’t know what Powell’s is you should not be an author….just saying…

  215. Your blog is about marriage & motherhood? This is totally news to me….I thought your blog was about giant metal and tiny taxidermied animals. 🙂

  216. So, I clicked on the “Blogs are the new sweatpants” link…. which caused me to return to your site and search for “mushroom boob”. Thanks for expanding my horizons. Can’t say I’ve ever imagined that ‘mushroom boob’ would be in my vocabulary. 🙂

  217. SO EXCITED to be getting your book. Devestated your tour does not include Chicago, but hey! I still get the book! A very merry un-birthday to me 🙂

  218. Dammit, why aren’t you coming to Detroit? IT’S VERY FRIENDLY HERE! WE READ BOOKS! I’LL BRING YOU FAYGO AND BETTER MADE CHIPS!!!

  219. Excellent. I should be ordering your book from my local, small town bookstore this week (like every pure-blooded American should do), and get it by next week! Of course, it’ll have to go to the back of my current book line, which includes books 5-7 of the Harry Potter series, a graphic novel about demi-gods, and a giant picture book/encyclopedia about legos. Mmm… If only I had enough legos to make a lego Juanita…

    The End.

  220. You are my fucking hero, but not in a coitus-y way. In the whole using fucking as an adjective (I think?) way.

    Seriously, when I start to lose faith in humanity, I run over to your blog and make myself feel better.

  224. So wish you were coming to Chicago! I would totally be in line to meet you! Good luck with the tour.

  225. Have fun on tour and remember to drink unicorn tears to thwart off disease! BTW- I love Zebra eggs on a lazy Sunday morning.

  227. oooops…obviously I’m waaaay too excited about your book release 🙂 what I meant to say was that I CANNOT wait until midnight, when my pre-order of your book hits my lil ‘ol nook!! and please please pleeeaassse could you come to Iowa City for part of your book tour? I know a great book store (Prairie Lights) that would just LOVE to have you as a guest…I’ll even arrange it for you. promise. just let me know, I’m here for you (ok, it’s a little for me, too)

  228. I can’t believe you’re snubbing not just Washington State, but Oregon as well.

    We’re crushed over here. I would actually drive the 40 minutes into Seattle to come get your signature (not for nefarious purposes, I promise.)

    I would even try to get down to Portland, if you refused Seattle for religious reasons. 😉

  229. I am completely heartbroken. You roll in to town (ok, an adjacent town) on the ONE DAY OF THE YEAR that I am out of town. I see how it is. I’m not good enough for a conversation on taxidermied mice. But I still love you, damnit. I still love you.

  231. What??? No CHICAGO???? Nancy is looking down right now and shaking her head! Seriously, can’t you just swing by : )

  233. But…but…there is absolutely no stop anywhere near the midwest!! *Sad panda face*

    Sincerely,

    Bereft in Indianapolis

  234. SO excited for the book tomorrow! Your tour will be great and I would come to a signing, but I don’t live within 500 miles of one, so I’ll have to wait for the stories. Have fun and enjoy the success!

  235. I cannot believe you didn’t get booked at the Mall Of America… get a new agent who doubles as a mediocre cat handler.

  236. Good luck for everything you want to do in the future! Anyway, you are an inspiration for all of us!

  238. I am also disappointed that Chicago is not on your list. 🙁 If I could afford to arrange a quick trip to Miami to visit the inlaws I SO would! But I think you should add Chicago to make it easier on me. I’d much rather see you than them.

  239. This might not be the perfect post to thank you on, but what the heck – it’s close enough. I received my book (and bookplate! YOWSA! If I stick it on my boobs, it will be like you signed them, except that I should wait until my sunburn heals, probably) and started reading it on the subway, and then I was laughing so hard in the first three pages that I had unexpected personal space. I decided to wait until I got home to read more, in case they were gonna contact the police when I got off (‘if you see something, say something, including if you see a sunburned lady cackling out loud to herself so hard snot comes out of her nose’). So I waited until I got home and then I read too hard to eat dinner. So, thanks for spoiling my dinner with an awesome evening!

  240. Wait. San Angelo but NOT Abilene? We are sooooo much more Bloggessier in Abilene. Just so you know. And we have a Hastings.

  241. YES I will see you in Corte Madera. You will know me by my chicken hat and Dr. Who tee.

  242. Why did I get your book last Thursday if it doesn’t come out until tomorrow? I’m so confused.

    On the other hand, your book was absolutely wonderful and I didn’t want to finish it because then it would be over. It was the second book in my life I’ve felt that strongly about. My mother-in-law is reading it now – she’d never heard of you, but I was laughing so hard and so often while I read it, that she had to see why for herself. I’ve been drinking a lot tonight, or I’d say all of the wonderful, poetic things that I’ve been thinking of. As someone who suffers from depression and anxiety, I want to thank you for making it better to be me.

  243. I bought your book and Amazon told me today there are shipping it out to me pronto. That made me truly furiously happy.
    Side note: If there is any way you can make it to the Midwest I would very much appreciate it.
    I am very willing to fundraise to get your the best bathroom in the Trump Tower in Chicago to stay in.

  244. I want so much to attend the Los Angeles event, but I can’t really go wasting $20. =/ Too many doctor bills.

  245. Jenny, as much as I love you, I will not be attending your Blue Willow Houston event. I’m incredibly disappointed that Blue Willow does not appreciate supporting a writer by preordering the book (and getting a nifty book plate) and insists on charging twice as much as Amazon for the same book. I wish I could help you out with an extra $12 but I can’t so I have to miss out on meeting you 🙁

    Plus I have a class Tuesday nights but that doesn’t actually matter 😛

  246. Seriously? No Baltimore? No Washington, DC? Come ON! We’ve got violently rural well-wishers hidden amongst the cracks here, too!!

    Perhaps on the second leg of the tour?

    Yes. There is it. The SECOND leg of the tour. I promise to bring you a zebra egg. Whew! Glad that’s settled….

  249. If you were stopping in Detroit, I would have you sign my boobs (which are, for the record, terrible cat handlers. But they are two for the price of free) AND my great uncle (and his sons) is an award winning taxidermist who specializes in big game like ZEBRAS!

  250. Totally cosigning on “you should come to Pittsburgh” and adding that they have Zombie Prom here and put French fries on salad! You would like it here, I think.

  252. I will be at the one in LA! So excited!!! I will smash your face with loves! (I mean this in a very non-violent way. I don’t want to end up on a Bloggess watch list or something. That would be bad.)

  253. I can’t wait to see you at the Austin signing! Tomorrow is my birthday and I am picking up my pre-ordered book which comes with a fancy ticket to stand in line for the book-signing. No better way to spend my birthday evening than reading your book! Woot!

  256. Will you be doing the signings in the bathrooms of the bookstores? You could just sit in a stall and let people hand you their book under the door.

  257. Service Cats? Why not Service Cats for the disabled? Put a Yellow Vest on that Cat and tell them it’s your Service Cat & it calms your nerves. (I have MS & anxiety. I’m a dog person myself, so I’m still hoping for the Anxiety Service Dog.) I’m pretty sure this would mean everyone could bring their pets everywhere. A good thing, unless you have allergies. 😉

  259. I pre-ordered a bookplate. Got the book today (super yay!) — but where is the plate?!

  260. have 3am insomnia. It’s a wonderful tradition that will remind your child how much you adore them. Also, it reminds them that you will probably catch them if they sneak out at midnight without you.

    Can I just say how much I love that your not mad she snuck out… just that she forgot to invite you! LMAO

  261. Add a couple red maple leaves to your “Class of 1867”. You’ll be able to sucker some Canadians into buying that kitsch. (That’s our country’s birth year.) But do it before July 1st, so you can cash in on our upcoming birthday celebrations.

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