I'm pretty sure I'm in a coma right now

in Random Crap

In yet another day of oddities aimed to convince me I’m stuck in a coma dream, I spent last night in LA doing a reading moderated by Soleil Moon Frye, who is responsible for my fear of refrigerators even to this day because of that episode of Punky Brewster where Cherie gets stuck in that fridge.  Even now I can’t open a refrigerator without worrying I’ll get caught inside of it somehow.  They don’t even make behavioral therapy for that.

Also, I tried to set up our chairs so that mine was way in the back and hers was way in the front so that I could use forced perspective to look less Amazonian compared to her but she totally wasn’t falling for it.

We sold out of books in the first half and I signed everything from tongues to metal chickens to xanax bottles, but the most bizarre thing I signed was this…

That totally sweet and normal looking woman?  Is Stephenie Meyer, author of the Twilight series, who flew all the way out to come to my reading and surprised me so much that I got all fangirly and started rambling about how I dressed up as a werewolf for the last movie and then I misspelled her name on her book.  True story.

Lesson here:  Be less drunk when you’re signing books.  Also, Stephenie Meyer has a complicated name and  very pretty hair.

I’m doing another reading tonight near San Francisco.  Come?  Pretty please?

365 thoughts on “I'm pretty sure I'm in a coma right now”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I was at the LA reading, and you were amazing. I think I love you. Oh, and you totally owe your niece a pony.

  2. I wish you’d come to Australia for a reading and book signing. I want my metal chicken signed.

  4. Cannot WAIT for the book to arrive here and I totally get the perspective thing — and that’s sort of awesome that you had a few too many when you were signing — I’ll bet there were some GREAT autograph messages!

  8. …I think my brain just broke. I have nothing intelligent to say 0o but I just fee a need to say SOMETHING (Oh, so that’s how Internet works..)

  11. San Francisco is so lucky right now, what the shit.

    Dude, Stephenie Meyer looks totally excited to meet you right there. That’s kind of an awesome thing.

  12. I do wish you were coming to Seattle. Congratulations on your success. Don’t forget about us little people.

  14. I love. Steph-ef-an-enie Meyer is your fangirl. So wish I lived on the west coast, in San Fran – at least for tonight! 🙂 xoxo

  16. I wish I was near San Francisco!! Maybe if I had a GPS that gave me landmarks, instead of street names, I could totally do a road trip!!

    (I would totally buy that shit.)

  17. while not as famous as stephenie meyer, i will be there and my name is much easier to spell. no random “e” thrown in anywhere! just your basic stephAnie (obviously I don’t usually capitalize the A, but I did here for dramatic effect. You may have understood that, but I thought, “i should clarify just in case.”)

  18. I really REALLY want to hear what her reaction was to the wolf cosplay story. Did you tell her there were pictures to prove it?

    You’re doing great – keep it up & have fun!

  20. Oh. My. GAWD. Jenny. Stephenie Meyer flew hundreds of miles so YOU could sign HER book! I don’t even know what to say. (But I’m pretty sure YOU WIN.)

  23. Maybe you and Stephenie can write a series of books about sparkly weasels and shapeshifting mice?

  25. Stephenie spells her name weird, so I wouldn’t worry. And congrats on the book. What an accomplishment! I’m writing one right now, and it’s killing me. Of course, it’s a beer history, so I have to write it drunk.

  29. This is probably one of the single best posts ever, not only because the only celebrity other than Henry Thomas I have ever been told I look like is Soleil Moon Frye (honestly, I look like neither) but also because I love that you got fangirly when so many were feeling fangirly for you! 🙂

  31. Awwwww! I am so glad the signings are going well! I hope the book makes you SUPER FAMOUS and wildly successful. Then I await the inevitable Bloggess backlash, your descent into madness and stay at Promises in Malibu, the inspiring comeback and the Barbara Walters special. ((((HUGS))))

  32. Holy crap!!!!
    That’s so cool. And adorable. And wow she is not someone I’d pass on the street and think “I bet she writes about werewolf sex”.

  33. Stephenie Meyer. Flew. Out. To. See. You. GIRL! THAT’S AWESOME!

    You are so da’ bomb.

    Still waiting for my copy. Barnes & Noble and their pre-ordering system is total crap. My book is apparently a 1.5 hour drive away from me but they say it won’t get here until Monday. I could WALK THERE AND GET IT faster than that. Apparently they UPSed it to Orlando and then they are MAILING IT TO TAMPA. PFFT.

  34. No Denver? Please come to Denver. We have books, metal chickens, and Xanax.

  35. Totally Jealous! I truly hope she appreciated your wolf costume outing as much as everyone here did.

  36. THAT IS THE SCARIEST EPISODE OF PUNKY BREWSTER EVER! To this day all the empty refrigerators in Lowe’s or Sear’s or wherever freak me the fuck out.

  37. I totally misread that part where you said you were “Fangirly” and read it as “Fanger-ly” and was going to say: OMG did you try to bite her, because I would have loved to see those pictures…

    I should really be more focused on the important stuff instead of the work stuff. Have an awesome tour <3

  38. EEE! I’m totally in the background of the last picture with Stephanie Meyer! (I’m the one with the yellow flower in my hair) This makes me famous now, right? 🙂 I had no idea who that woman was, but now I understand why you guys were talking so long. I’m not a fan of her books, but I do think it’s cool that she flew out to support you!

  40. This is the one instance where you could be THE BEST spokeswoman for adult diapers. Because everyone seeing this scenario would go, “yeah, I’d wet myself too.” Congratulations!

  42. That is amazing that she flew out just to see you! You are a rock star!! I just got my book today and I am so excited. But I have a silly question. What page should I stick my book plate on? I mean, I hope you will be coming to Boston and therefore can get my book signed by you but what if the page you are signing is the page I have the bookplate on? One page – two signatures?!? Maybe I should have some of that Xanax.

  43. Holy shit. I’m not a Meyer fan (though I did like The Host), but that’s pretty awesome.

    Thank you for signing my Dalek! It is now the BEST DALEK EVER. http://twitgoo.com/5pfuv8

    BTW, if the awesome girl with the zebra-striped ostrich egg is reading this, find me on Twitter (@joi_the_artist), because you were cool. 🙂

  44. Like Aby said, don’t be shocked! You are awesome, as is your writing. Still kicking myself that I couldn’t get a sitter. (Though, that is a good lesson to learn – I’m pretty sure you’re going to run into some really odd names on this tour)

  45. I just got my copy of your book today and contemplated ignoring my raging small children in order to crack it open right away.

    I did not, however they are still raging, as is my headache.

    C’mon 7:30 and your book and that large glass of wine that is waiting for me!

  46. That is awesome Soliel Moon Frye and Stephenie Meyer, not to mention selling out 1/2 way through. I will need to get to your MD signing early.

  47. Girl, you are going to need to sleep for a week after this book tour. EEEEEEE!!!

  50. You’ll be only a few miles from my house tonight! I wish I could make it but it’s my daughter’s opening night and so….I know really hard choice….I’m almost about to ditch her….. But I ordered 3 copies of your book to be signed and I will pick them up tomorrow. Enjoy Marin!

  51. Dangit. I meant to turn off the link for that last comment. Hahaha. Maybe my lesson for the day is that I need to drink more caffeine.

  52. Ohhh, please come to Fairbanks, AK. Please. That’s Alaska, btw, not Arkansas…

    e

  53. I am just heart-glad over your success, Jenny. It couldn’t happen to a more awesome person (or a better, funnier writer). <3

  54. Please tell me your book is coming out in the UK. Im in England for work, and I REALLY want a copy. (To be fair if I werent in England for work I’d be in Australia, which has an equal chance of having the book I’d assume)

  55. I can see where you might *think* this is all part of an elaborate coma-dream-sequence…but it isn’t! You are just so freaking awesome that this is REAL! Enjoy every single fabulous moment of your incredible journey!!!

    Just FYI – got my copy of the book yesterday – LMAO through every single page so far!!! You RAWK!!!

  57. I’m going to meet Wil Wheaton next week and have him sign your book. I just hope it doesn’t cause some temporal disfunction in the space time continuum, Id like to read the book at least twice.

  58. I love when a normal person gets to have famous person experiences. So very cool, what you’re going through right now. And this reminds me, where is my damned book??? Going to track it right now…..
    Yay you!!! 🙂

  60. Please tell me you asked her WHY? Why in dear god’s name Why did she inflict Twilight on us? Maybe that would have been rude. I think you could have pulled it off. Congrats on the tour! Ice your hand.

  61. My book came today! I’m starting it NOW! I’ll see you in Dallas on Thursday!!!

  63. Holy Frigging JC, that’s awesome!!!!!! WOW!!! You get Punky and Twilight Awesomeness all in one night!! WOW!!

  64. She does have pretty hair. So do you. I’m going to fondle my e-book now and see if that makes my hair shinier. Oh, and you rock.

  66. I would fly from the UK for one of your signings!
    I actually have a proof copy of your book being sent to me at work from your lovely UK publishers ahead of the release so I can FANGIRL at people on release day 😉 (Don’t worry I’m going to buy a finished copy too….and shove it in every single family members face. I have A LOT of aunts and uncles.)

  68. That’s so fucking awesome you dressed as a werewolf. Her books were way better than the movies.
    I wish you had told her that.
    She looks very…sweet. But I bet deep down she’s sorta naughty. Just like all of us.

  69. Forced perspective makes me dizzy.

    I’m hoping that it won’t feel rude if I arrive late and leave early…and bring along my 4 unruly, insane kids. I have to come tonight…even if for only 5 minutes to just draw one breath of air from the same room as you.

  71. 6 days, 2 hours, 53 minutes, 38 seconds… and then you will be here and talking and signing all the things (I have boobs AND a sharpie… be prepared).

    I am, however, becoming more concerned by the day that I am going to burst into tears when I finally get to see you. There are times, though, that I am totally glad I don’t wear mascara.

    Do you think the bookstore will be too upset if I just set up a tent there next week? I promise I won’t have a campfire.

  72. OMG, I’m flipping out in spirit with you…<3 that Punky Brewster! To this day, when they discuss the Challenger disaster, I think back to that episode where Punky wanted to be an astronaut. Truly awesome.

  73. Pretty sure Stephanie wants to get on the shortlist for the “I’m Jenny Lawson” video introducing the next book.
    Have you picked out a title and started writing it yet? (hint hint) 😉

  75. Amazing! My book got delivered today, and I have never been as excited about being stuck in the car on a 3 hour drive with my 9 year old twins and road rage husband. I am going to tune them all out and absorb myself in your wonderful book!!!! Congrats on your success!

  76. God if only the drive from Wisconsin to San Francisco weren’t so far, I’d be there. But you know rush hour and all… Punky Brewster and Stephenie Meyer in one night? That is just too much.

  77. And then there it was, on my front porch! I should have wondered where the eff my book was earlier! 🙂

  78. Jaw-dropper! You know you are successful when bestseller-authors show up to get a book signed by you. I think that’s pretty much a criteria of success. Also, I may be a little drunk and I am not sure if I have spelled anything correctly.

  80. Got my copy the other day. Half way through it and have already drawn concerned looks from people in the park – either my laughing uncontrollably or dabbing my eyes to keep the tears from dripping down my face. You are WAY too awesome…for an Amazon.

  81. Get your fanny to Edmond, Oklahoma. Now! ASAP! We can host your book signing at the Petroleum Club or my backyard!! I have plenty of Xanax and other behavioral mood medicines, including but not limited to a Silver Oak Cabernet from Napa. xoxo

  82. You got to meet Punky Brewster! That beats my seeing the actress who played Nelly Olsen in Little House in Paris doing a reading of her book last year. Why aren’t you coming to Atlanta?

  84. And to think i only drove across the city to see you… I better step it up 😉

    It was a joy listening to you read, and I cant wait to tear into that book this weekend! You are an inspiration!

  85. Can you please come to Canada? I’ll come to see you! I promise…unless of course you only go to British Columbia which is across the country and I wouldn’t be able to drive there and back in a day so that wouldn’t be good. But you could come to Eastern Canada – like Toronto (which is only a 5 hour drive) or Montreal (which is like 20 minutes for me)…but I could deal with Toronto (even though they think they’re the centre of the universe). Please come….I’ll bring donuts!

  86. My book is due for delivery on Tuesday, just in time for you to be here in Houston! *doing the happy dance*

  87. if meyers is a true fan, she should have handed you a picture of yourself dressed as a wolf at her book’s movie! jenny awesome scale:10, stephenie meyers awesome scale: far below jenny’s score.

  88. I wish you’d come to Chicago!! (Hint: You should totally come to Chicago)

  89. I get my exercise lately by doing the happy dance over and over for you.

  90. This is the most incredible thing I’ve ever done vicariously through someone else. I’m overwhelmed and may need to sit down and take a Xanax.

  91. I love that my daughter reminds me of Punky’s style of dress, reminds me of the show I loved so very much. Also, can you bring your ass closer to DC? Most eastish? If I could have gotten to NY I WOULD HAVE even though I haven’t enough boob for you to sign my name. Sure, you could just sign my book like the other semi-normal people but eh…normalcy sucks bigger boobs.

  93. I would have lost my shit if Stephenie Meyer had wanted me to sign a book!!! Too bad you didn’t have your Twilight books to have her sign them. But now that you know she’s a fan, you should totally mail them to her and tell her she owes you!

  94. I think you are going to have to simply accept your success, because you are obviously totally the shit. I mean, real people are totally paying attention to you and everything. We’re all on to you dearie.

  96. I can’t quite wrap my head around this whole “Stephanie Meyer” thing. Huh. If you’re in a coma, then so am I. And if we’re both in comas, then WHO WAS PHONE?

  99. That is awesome Jenny! I’m on chapter 13 (if the chapters were labeled, which they’re not.) and
    I must say that I totally get the taxidermied animal thing now! And if my childhood was a fraction as fucked up as yours, they would have to pry me out of a fridge. I’m laughing out load at random times which is making my husband question my sanity. My kid wants me to read the book outloud and I’ve had to explain how there are words in there that his virgin ears just don’t need to hear. He keeps explaining how he’s already heard most of them and that he swears he won’t repeat any of them anyways, but the honest truth is that I simply don’t want to share. If I have to read to the kid, then I’ll have to read to the husband and really, who has time for that? Not me. I’m too busy reading to myself.
    By the way, you are coming to the wrong end of Florida. I’m up here in the northwest corner and Miami is easily a two day drive. ::sigh::

  102. Thank you SO MUCH for adding Coral Gables to your tour list!! I was so bummed I wouldn’t get to meet you, and now you’re only an hour and a half away. Bring on May 4th!! :D!!!

  103. You were absolutely AMAZING last night!! I think everyone wanted to stay drunk all the time and stay on the amazing drugs you are taking. So awesome that you got to get all fangirl on Stephanie Meyers!

    Everyone who can meet Jenny should. She is the real shit.

    Also… it was my tongue that she signed and it hasn’t been back in my mouth since. THANK YOU!!

  104. Yours was one of the featured books in the email I got from Barnes and Noble this morning!!!!

  105. Sadly, I can’t make it to a reading, but I reviewed your book for our local newspaper…I figured that was the least I could do to get a few more sales in Winnipeg, Manitoba! Kick ass tonight!

  106. You are now even more famous than you were the day before! Seriously wishing that I had the money to fly all the way out there, or even just to make it to Dallas. No one ever come to Arkansas. I know we have book stores here, but I don’t think anyone goes to them. I don’t I buy from Amazon and download to my kindle.

    (LOSER)

  107. XANAX Bottles? Great idea! I am bringing mine to the Blue Willow next week! in Houston!

  108. That is literally the only scene I remember from Punky Brewster! SCARRED FOR LIFE!

  110. If you come to Minnesota I will 100% be there. Also. That is SO awesome that she flew out to your reading!

  112. Your book came! Your book came! Your book came!

    (wait, that sounds dirty…)

    I don’t care. It’s here! I’m reading it! Bye!

  114. Thank you for the best laughs I’ve had in a year. Jenny, your book is wonderful and I am recommending it to everyone I meet.

  116. Wow. If you’re in a coma right now, then I’m obviously part of your coma dream (which might explain some things). But I don’t think you are – and Stephenie Meyer actually happened. How cool is that?

  119. I can’t believe you will be just over the bridge (and through the roaming hoards of Friday SF Bay Area traffic) in Marin tonight! I am just on the peninsula and sending lots and lots of positive woots and squees your way. I would be there in my Juanita apron (a signed Juanita apron might actually convince me I was in a coma too) but I can’t! I am afraid you will never leave your bathroom again after this tour!! Please expand and keep going!

  120. Cant wait till Dallas! It’s going to be awesome!!!!!!! Can’t decide what to bring for you to sign since I got the ebook.

  121. I’ve been there. I saw this famous football player who I totally recognized in NYC once & I got all excited and asked him, “Are you who I think you are?” He smiled & said modestly, “Joe is my name.” So I announce in my loudest voice, “JOE MONTANA!!” And he said, “Joe Namath is my name.” So see? I totally get it, except without having been at my very own book signing, which reduces considerably my cool quotient in my story. 🙂

  122. That Punky Brewster episode is the only one I can actually remember. Terrifying! How will today’s youth ever know the dangers of fridge suffocation without Punky?

  123. How the crap did I miss that Stephenie Meyer was there?! That’s so awesome and kind of her to fly out 😀

  124. Please come to Las Vegas or Omaha Nebraska. Either one is good for me. I live in both cities 🙂

  125. *SQUEEEEE* That’s so awesome!!!!!!

    I wish you were coming to the Atlanta area but I know it’s gotta be hard on your anxiety to handle this sort of thing.

  126. Did you at least ask to be in Ms Meyer’s next book? A werewolf cosplaying taxidermist with a profound fear of fridges would add a note of realism to the novels.

  129. I was reading your book and laughed so hard I wound up ugly crying. Then I tried to write a kickass review on amazon but they rejected it because I accidentally used the word shitsnacks. It’s ok though. The ugly cry was worth it.

  130. I was seriously making plans to pack up the Children and drive from Arizona to San Fran and meet the hell out of you, but Life was all “fuck you and your plans” and it didn’t work out. But then Life made up for it by delivering your book to me a WHOLE DAY EARLY (thanks, Life!), so now I’m gonna do the NEXT BEST THING: turn on cartoons and leave out a loaf of bread and some butter for the Children, rip open a sideways bag of chow for the Cats, and lock myself in my room and read the shit out of your book. Don’t know how to take care of Boyfriend though. Maybe every time he knocks on the door, I’ll start violently sobbing and say the word “uterus” or “I want a baby” so he’ll leave me alone. Weekend plans = SET.

  131. Inwant to go to your book signing so I can be all fangirly about you but Marin is way too far to drive on a Friday night :(!!!

  132. Ohmyhell please PLEASE come to Minneapolis. Or St. Paul. Or even Rochester MN–that’s a couple hours south but the Mayo Clinic is there and I’m sure those people have a shitload of Xanax. Please?

  133. I’m so proud of you! You most definitely don’t look amazonian.

    p.s. Who the eff spells their name “Stephenie”. That’s just confusing. Drunk or not.

  134. Yay Jenny! What a fabulous night. Thanks for bringing us all along for the ride. Now, if you’ll accept my sincere congratulations, I gotta run. My book arrived today & after the ceremonial placing of my bookplate (squee!), I’ve got some reading to do!

  135. It has been less than 24 hours since I received your book and I have finished it already. I can not tell you how sad I am that I have no more awesomeness to read. It was everything I hoped it would be and more. Thank you so much! It will now live on the same shelf of honor as my 1st edtion Harry Potter books. (Stop judging me.) Actually it won’t live there until I have read it about 6 more times, that is how much I loved it. I too, have recommended it to everyone I know and some people I don’t know who were really curious about why the hell I was laughing so hard I could not breathe. So, you know, good reviews for you. Thanks again!

  136. Better stuck in a fridge than a dead deer…apparently that happens to people 😛

  137. I am just a couple of hours away from where you will be signing books tonight but I am unable to be there. I may or may not (totally did) actually cry a little bit over not getting to meet you. Since I won’t be there let me just tell you that I would have been completely fan girly and awkward. I would have told you about putting a dead snake in my brother’s car once and I definitely would have asked your advice on the best place to find a taxidermied cat that looks like it could have come from Pet Sematery because I’m looking for one as a gift for my dad. I think it is clear from this comment why I loved your book so much that I read it in one day and then started reading it again. Congratulations AND thank you. I can’t wait for the next one. 🙂

  138. You get to meet ALL the cool people! Super jealous of Punky Brewster, I dressed up as her one Halloween AND I also was scarred by that episode, but for me it was more along the lines of don’t play in fridges AND PAY ATTENTION TO CPR LESSONS!

  139. Oh-my-ever-lovin’-word….

    I can’t believe *this* has become your life.

    But I couldn’t be happier for you!

    (Absofrickin’lutely surreal!!)

    xo

  140. And why wouldn’t she fly hundreds of miles to get her book signed by you? Your book was fantastic! It was all I could do not to tweet comments to you as I read. For example, when sick growing up, we usually used a pan (the handle is very convenient) so I completely understand the vomit bowl. And next time you decide to get rid of the ghosts/evil spirits haunting your house, you can boil the sage and wander around wafting the steam about instead of lighting the sage on fire. It’s supposed to be almost as effective and it won’t set off the smoke alarm or irritate asthmatics. The zombie apocalypse is not something to be taken lightly. 🙂

    Enjoy your fame. You deserve it because as I said before, your book was fantastic!

  141. That episode of Punky Brewster scared the shit out of me too! But her kickass rocking chair-esque bed made up for it so I kept watching and cursed my parents every day they didn’t get me one. A wicker headboard just isn’t the fucking same! Whores.

  142. Happy your tour is going so well 🙂 And her name is spelled a little oddly. Totally not your fault. Besides, drunk is the best way to handle situations like that. I was a little tipsy at my wedding, and a little bit drunk at my kid’s preschool art auction the other night. I am just glad that I didn’t pay $300 for a shelf decorated by 4 year olds…

  144. You are fabulous. I haven’t been reading you for very long but definitely already a big fan. And it looks like SM was all giddy to meet you which totally rocks.

  146. Well this just keeps getting better and better!!! I’m so thrilled for you! Why you no come to Seattle. I can talk to some people about turning the rain off while you’re here if that helps. Just kidding. I don’t know any people. But really…..Seattle? Hmmm?

  147. I’m with daniel and Roxi – PUHLEEEZE come to Seattle! And congrats! It sounds like the tour is going famously! [see what I did there? famously
    Cause you’re FAMOUS now!
    😀

  148. Just so you know, I stayed up way too late reading your book last night and I was tired and super bitchy at work today. So bitchy, in fact, that my boss fed me alcoholic beverages (and everyone else, too) to make the super bitchy friday into a super awesome friday. True story. 🙂 I can’t wait to stay up way too late tonight to finish the book.

  149. Growing up, I was always worried about Punky Brewster — I feared that the hankerchief tied around her thigh would lead to gangrene, then I’d have to watch Stumpy Brewster instead.

  150. All is right with the world.
    I’m reading for my phd general exams right now, which means I have to ration any reading that’s not on my lists–but your book is my before going to sleep book right now. Last night I laughed so hard I actually sobbed a bit–and my husband almost didn’t recognize me, reading a book without a frown on my face.

  151. I cannot wait to read your book! I’ve been in Tunis and Beirut the last two weeks and want to get home because I know it’s waiting for me!

  152. Ack! I remember that Punky Brewster episode! I was her biggest fan, with a puffy purple and rainbowy jacket that I wore to bed. Sigh.

  154. What fun! You should somehow try to capture the wonderful excitement and elation of this special time in a little bottle and cork it up. Then the next time the nasty depression lies take hold, just open your bottle and sprinkle lavishly! 🙂

    Wishing you all the best for the rest of your tour!

  155. I sympathize with your fear of fridges. I have a fear of closets that dates back to Poltergeist. If the light is on and it’s shut, I’m convinced I’m going get sucked into a big vagina-closet when I open the door.

  156. You’re totally more awesome than Stephenie (however the fuck you spell her name) Meyer. She SHOULD be your fangirl.
    Congratulations on all that is happening for you! You deserve it!
    See you in Austin!

  158. You + Portland (home of Powell’s, Portlandia , pGrimm and did I mention POWELL’S??) = not happening on this tour?

    And you have the gall to ask us to come to *San Franfriggincisco*??

    Let’s Pretend This Never Happened.

  160. I was there. You walked right by me in line. Mentally I had a battle with myself.

    “OH MY GOD IT’S JENNY! Oh my god she is about to walk by me right now! What do I do? Do I smile and wave? Oh shit she looked away from me. Do I try to say something funny? WHAT IF SHE DOESN’T THINK I’M FUNNY! Oh god, you’re never funny when you’re put on the spot! She’s going to think you’re stupid! HIDE! HIDE YOUR STUPID FACE!”

    So I tried to hide behind the book I was holding but I was unable to take my eyes off you so instead I went full on creeper mode where half my face was hidden but my eyes were wide and staring STRAIGHT AT YOU right above the top of the book. Then I kicked myself for being creepy until I got bored enough in line to wander away and wonder why there was a kitchen in a theater? But! Then I remembered they might serve alcohol which made sense because they sure had a lot of cabinet space. I bet there was a lot of liquor down there but I thought it would be inappropriate to look so I just danced in place until it was our turn.

    I wanted you to sign my pillbox but the lady said I would have to ask YOU and that created a swarm of anxiety (I can’t ask you to do a thing! You’re awesome). So I just pulled up a picture of twine on my phone and surreptitiously (per your recommendation) added it to the picture because you are cooler than Nathan Fillion. THAT’S RIGHT. I said it.

    Thanks! It was awesome.

    -E

  161. Ugh. I would so be there tonight if bay area traffic didn’t ruin my life. F work. And F driving. Here’s to lots of centaurs, mushrooms, and wolf head garments for tonight!

  162. OMG… Thank the Gods you like Twilight. If that were me, I would have monologued about how vampires don’t sparkle and how Kristen Stewart has made a career out of teenage awkwardness. But, I’m an asshole like that.

    Selling out of books is the motherfucking bomb diggity!! Congrats!!!

  163. All kinds of awesome! Much deserved! Please come to Milwaukee! Pretty please?

  164. OMG, I totally have that Punky-Brewster-refrigerator-hide-and-seek thing, too. My kids think I’m nuts, but they just don’t know how diabolical refrigerators can be. Just sayin’.

  165. I was going to bring a mushroom shaped like a …well, like a mushroom and ask you to sign it. But, then I remembered that I don’t live in CA and I don’t have a plane ticket or a mushroom.

  166. I need you to come to North Carolina and sign my Kindle. Your’s was the first book I bought for it. I may have even been reading it at work today. Did you realize that having an e-reader makes it ridiculously easy to read at work without getting caught? They need to use that as part of their advertising.

  168. Loved you last night! You were great and I was surprised to hear you were nervous at all! And OMG Stephenie was there? That’s awesome! Also thank you for bringing a great group of women together. I met so many amazing people!

  170. See? I fail to understand why you think no one will show up. You’re awesome. You’re so awesome that the creator of Twilight (even though I dislike teen fiction) came to see you.

    You, ma’am, are a big deal. And we love you.

    🙂

  171. Let’s be honest here, in respects to writing talent, Stephenie Meyer should have been kissing your feet. But the fact that she flew to see you and get her book signed is pretty awesome too.

  172. That is SOOOO cool!!!! What did she say about the WolfBlitzer? I bet you she reads your blog. I bet you Nathan Fillion is just WAITING to come to your reading and he’ll bring twine. That would be epic. PLEASE tell us if he does.

  173. I’ll be there tonight! Sooooo looking forward to it! They won’t let me bring my pre-ordered book, so I may have you sign my boobs instead. Can’t wait!

  174. So hubby brings in the mail today and says, “Your crazy lady book is here.” Awesome! And yes, that is how I refer to you…as “the crazy lady”. He immediately understands who I’m talking about…he’s really bad with names.

    Like Sarah from comment 39, I wondered where I’m supposed to put my bookplate on the inside front cover, the endsheet or one of the inside blank pages. I’d rather have you sign my book in person, but alas, driving across the Dallas-Ft. Worth metroplex is more than my anxiety level can take. So close and yet so far…

    And I’m really hoping that Hollie in Arlington got her bookplate that I mailed her so she can be just as happy as I am. I now have plans for the rest of the afternoon. Good thing it’s pizza night!

  175. I have been totally freaked out for almost 30 (?!?!) years by that Punky Brewster episode. I live in Brooklyn and see plenty of refrigerators on the street. Of course their doors are always off, but I still get a little bubble of panic welling up in my stomach when I see them.

    Apparently, that episode’s plot line was suggested by a viewer. Or something like that. My husband tried to tell me about it, but I stuck my fingers in my ears and sand “la, la, la” because I do NOT need to think about that episode more often than necessary.

  176. I think you need to come to Denver. Or Estes Park (do a signing at the Stanley Hotel!). or anywhere within a 3 hour drive.

  177. Dude! That is so cool about Stephenie Meyer! Do you SEE how awesome you are by the awesome people who are your fans?

    I’m ridiculously proud of you and we don’t even know each other. How weird is that?

  178. I’m actually hyperventilating right now just imagining your nervous/excited/OCD fears/amazement of fame running into reality running into imagining worst-case-scenarios…well, you get the picture. Wowzer.
    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

  179. Aaaaw man, Stephanie was there? I went to high school with her and would have been nice to catch up about her sister and high school (which I hated).

    And that added to the Selma Blair reference you made last night, whom I went to elementary/middle school with; Jenny, I think you’re historically stalking me. :0

  182. I wish I could come!! I seriously considered blowing off my daughter’s school concert and heading over there and bringing you lots of the wine we make. I will have to console myself with my bookplate, which arrived the other day (THANK YOU). Hope the tour is going well, and OMG, Stephenie Meyer!! (I totally had to go look up how to spell her name to write that. I’m still not sure it’s right but I’m not going back to check again.)

  184. I was totally planning on coming to San Francisco but STUPID HOMEWORK GOT IN THE WAY! 🙁 If anything less than my entire grade was at stake, I would be there in a heartbeat.

  185. Dude, we totally had the same childhood. There was blood everywhere, my hamster died in the cistern and one of her babies totally ate the heads of the rest of the brood. Also, they gave me coffee at midnight and my first drink when I was six. But mine is more of a Canadian story. We had to poop outside at night and the urine froze in midstream. Love the book! Your friend, Rosalita, stuck here in Ottawa.

  188. Okay, okay, I cannot take it anymore – you MUST come to Chicago!!! I need my book signed!

  189. I’ll be there tonight, without any chickens or weasels or monkeys or unicorns. Just me. Cannot wait to see you and buy your book!

  190. I can’t even tell you how happy I am for you. I accidentally shipped your book to my parents house, so I haven’t been able to get my mitts on it yet, but I am so excited to read it!

    I wish I could have my ativan bottle signed…

  191. *squeals incoherently in her head* Congrats Jenny!

    I want to come see you on the Houston stop since you’re going to be just a few parking-lots over from my office (like it was meant to be b/c if you were any farther I really wouldn’t be able to drag myself there) but now I’m terrified there’s going to be way too many people but I’m becoming more (insert word for the one that gets anxious about crowds) the older I get. Hopefully I’ll find some balls to borrow and not just wave to your general direction from my boss’ window when the time comes.

  192. I totally have the SAME fear of refrigerators for the SAME reason. Now, if I could only figure out where the fear of accidentally cutting off my hair when I pick up scissors originated…I may be set…for observation, maybe.

    Now…off to read the book I’ve been eagerly awaiting. If you angle the cover just right…Hamlet von Schnitzel looks like he is going to jump right off the cover. I wish he would. How awesome would that be?

  193. The $20 fee is what kept me from going last night. Oh well, I can always find a way to stalk you in Texas the next time I’m home visiting family. (Not at all creepy-sounding, right? XD)

  194. After all the trouble you went to with Wolfblitzer, Stephanie Meyer could at least have dressed as a taxidermied mouse or giant metal chicken for your reading.

  195. Long time lurker, first time poster. But I had to write to tell you that I think you are awesome. The Wolf Blitzer story is my favorite of your posts. I giggle like a little kid whenever I read it.

  196. WHAT THE I DON’T EVEN!

    You totally deserve to be fangirled on by Stephenie Meyer but I still think I would have fainted. And honestly I’d already been fantasizing that if I paste a copy of my twitter icon on myself you might recognize me but now I’m going to have to compete with famous people swarming you, I mean geez! I give up! 😉

    Also, that fridge episode of Punky Brewster was the ONLY episode I ever saw, because I accidentally ran into THAT ONE both times and was so freaked out I never tried to watch it again. So that’s what I think of every time I see anything about SMF. Which is unfortunate because back when we (SMF and I) were little things, people would tell me I looked like her. Not so much now that I’ve ballooned and she is all twiggy.

  197. If you ever get your ass to the New England area, I’m gonna be the first one in line… ok – so that sounded so stalkerish… but I’d love to meet you, and help contribute to your fund for more taxidermied animals!

  198. My book arrived today and this is the first time I’ve put it down! Awesome, awesome, awesome!! The only way my day could possibly get any better is if I had access to a TARDIS so I could get to San Francisco . . . .

  199. On your first tour agenda I read it never mentioned there would be books available or a book signing. I would have come if I’d known. Kill your press people for me.

  200. Holy Spell Check, fan girl! I would so do something like that. And then do it to every person after that in a name spelling disaster. Still, bright side is that now both you and Stephanie Meyer can talk about how you mis-spelled her name. Its a great dinner party story. or blog story. either/or.

  202. OMG, I am also afraid of refrigerators because of that episode. I am afraid I will somehow not be able to control myself and climb inside and be trapped.

  203. That was so amazing! You have a fan in Stephanie Meyer! Actually, you’ve got a fan in almost everyone who reads you… And to think… I was reading you when you were a sweet little mommy blogger.

  204. You have reawakened my fear of refrigerators! I got stuck in one as a little kid… It aw only for a minute or two but felt like forever! I also can’t look at a cedar chest or trunk without remembering an episode of the Walton’s where a little girl gets trapped in one. It was more stressful than the fridge! Love your blog!

  205. Is it weird that I recognized her in the picture and got all excited for you even before I scrolled down and read your caption? No? OK, Good … It’s not like I’m some sort of crazy person … ummm

  206. Any time the subject of Punky Brewster comes up, I always, always think of Cherie stuck in that fridge. My neighbors had a fridge outside and I was always worried one of us kids would end up in it during a game of hide and seek.

    I’m so glad your signings/readings are going so great!

  207. Wow, what a fun book reading, and neat new fan for you. This is my first visit here and this is an entertaining place.

  208. I’m so glad I got to hug you out on the street. Sorry if it was alarming to have a random woman grab you and hug you, but I couldn’t stop myself.

    That was Stephenie Meyer? I KNEW I shouldn’t have put my feet up on the back of her seat!

  209. I’m one of the lucky ones that is coming to see you tonight!! In less than 3 hours!! I’m so freaking excited. Wish I had a red ball gown to wear for such a special occasion!!

  210. So glad you sold out of books! That is awesome. Totally loving the book-tour blog posts. Makes me feel like I’m a groupie following you around with my own Xanax bottle for you to sign.

  212. Hey, that’s my fiancée, hat, and person that came with us in the background. We’re totes famous now.

    Fantastic fun at the reading .

  213. I too remember that episode. I learned CPR from that sucker. I also have a healthy respect for the game of hide and seek.

    Your post made me cry with happiness for you. You are not in a coma, and you deserve every last bit of this! You’re awesome.

    🙂

  214. Friggity-frack–Stephenie was there?! How did I not notice her?!?! I’m a horrible fan girl! :p

    Thanks again for a great night. You are a genius, and a very courageous person. 🙂

  215. Your book FINALLY arrived. Wonderful. Just wonderful. I can’t imagine the courage it took to write about such a strange, disordered childhood and expose it to strangers. And to do so with humor and flair is incredible.

    You’re a hero.

    So, when does the magical mystery ride arrive in Boston?

  216. ps, what’s all the non-love for your east coast fans? Next tour – put Raleigh, NC on your list. We love you here!

  217. Oh, would you come to Australia pretty please? It IS a long plane flight, but you could travel by boat…. or swim? 😉
    You have become a person of influence and inspiration to so many around the world now – thank you for being you xxx

  220. Yeah! I’m so happy that you look like you are enjoying yourself on this tour. Having nearly finished your book, I know that it must be both thrilling (in a good way) and frightening (in a bad way).

    Just an FYI, I’ve been channeling your speech/writing patterns for my most recent Facebook status posts, as well as talking up your book. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Thank you!

  221. I really wish you were IN SF instead of Marin (Marin County but we just call it all Marin over there till you get to like Napa). It’s so far and I have a thing about crossing bridges and it’s just so far! (If you’re a native then you understand why it’s so far from SF) But I digress. I need to get your book. My coworker got it the other day and taunted me with it. We want to meet you because we love reading and discussing your blog (its like our own secret book club but for a blog and I’m the president) and we know you would love to hang out with us. Again, I digress, my point, was to ask you if you have seen this? http://www.monster-munch.com/eaten-by-a-bear
    I’m sure you have, something tells me you have, but another friend just posted the link on FB and instantly I thought of you (because in my head we are bffs – don’t be scared ). So yeah that’s about it other than to request that you come back to SF proper please!

    PS
    The website I put is not mine it’s my husbands so if you are easily offended by some T and A don’t look (it’s not porn I swear) but there are boobies now and then oh and cars lots of cars! Sadly there are no mushroom boobies but I am now on the look out for them.

    PSS (or is it PPSS OR PPS)
    My sister was out shopping one day and found a metal chicken just like Beyonce and texted me a picture with “KNOCK KNOCK MUTHER FUCKER!” and nothing else. I just about peed and wanted to send it to you but realized that although we are bffs (in my head) I don’t have your #.

    That’s all I got

  222. No way! I so often refer to that very-special-episode of Punky where Cherie gets stuck in the fridge playing hide and seek and everyone thinks I’m crazy. I use it as a cautionary tale. I also use the episode of Lassie where they replace the old ice box with a new fridge and Lassie gets mad, but eventually warms to the new appliance with the aide of the ice delivery man who helps to show him that everything will be OK. I use it to condescendingly teach people about acceptance and change and it makes me crack up inside every. damn. time.

  224. You are totally stunning in the first picture. Plus, red shoes are awesome!

  225. I’m oh so sad that you’re not coming up to Portland or Seattle. I think it would have been epic if you had someone pick up a copy of twilight, and asked her to sign it…it would be like some sort of author-ception.

  227. 1. I am bringing my desk sized beyoncè to the book signing in Austin.
    2. Soleil is wearing the shoe equivalent of the Little Red Dress in this picture. You can’t have a bad time in that shoe, especially if you’re wearing it while seated.

  228. I came to see you in your coma. They say you are looking really good. Left you some balloons. You can thank me later, obviously.

  229. That. Is. So. Cool. I like “fangirly”–nice. Your life gets cooler and cooler each post. Amazing.

  231. You are so brave! I was just thinking, if I ever got famous and wrote a hugely popular book (which this is shaping up to be, go you!)… would I be able to go on tour or would I hide at home? Yeah, I’d be hiding…

  232. OMG! Kelly O’Sullivan left a comment on your blog! That’s way cooler than the TWILIGHT lady!

    I think you should come to Minnesota. We’re not really the Land of 10,000 Lakes….we’re the Land of 10,000 Passive Aggressive People Playing Nice. You would so write about a night on the tundra. I promise.

    Please come to MN!

  233. Holy Santa Claus shit! I’m so happy for you and am sort of hating you that you got to meet Stephanie Meyer. Can’t wait until you come to NY. You WILL be signing my boob like rock stars do.

  234. SO cool! I keep telling you that you’re amazing! :o) I wish I had actually looked at the schedule for your signings and such. I would have made the trek to NYC to meet you!!! Damn this busy life of mine.

  235. Jenny,
    You weren’t in Santa Monica on the Tuesday or Wednesday of this week were you? I walked out of the elevator at work and had just been talking about your book coming out and a woman go in the elevator I Judy exited that looked oddly like you.

  237. Drinking and signing books would be the perfect plan IF you also added:

    — Xanax
    — texting
    — Wold Blitzer
    — large bore firearms
    — Australian spiders that eat snakes (we are so not kidding).

    Onward through the blog, Jenny!

    Strumpet away!

  238. I am Amazonian too; relish it. Heads turn at the sight of a tall woman with big tits and swinging hips. You are gorgeous and how exciting to read all these great adventures!! Zon on!

  239. Oh, WOW…I so wish I still lived at my dad’s. He’s just up the road in Napa, and I so could have made one or both of these…Of course, it doesn’t matter that I’m 46 and wishing for Dad to have custody of me. And that I’m on the totally wrong coast this evening.

    We are all living vicariously through you! and WTG on the Stephany..err..Stephanie…I mean…Stephenie (???) Myer meet. Very cool indeed!

    Have I mentioned that when I want to grow up I wanna be just like you?

  240. I’m less than 2 hours from you right now and I have to woooooooooooooooooooork!

    boooo!

  241. I so need more American friends so I can make at least one of them go to one of these signings to get me a copy.

  242. I’d totally skip my crappy job for a couple of days to have my book signed, but you’re not coming to oklahoma, and I can’t see well enough to drive to Texas (or across town, honestly) Have fun! (Oh, how did Stephenie take the Wolf Blitzer story?)

  243. Have you considered making a visit to Nashville? It would be very centrally located for all of us Southern-but-not-Texan gals (and guys) who would love to see you. I know you’re booked up and will want to get home after all this crazyness, but just thought I’d throw it out there in case you start looking at doing Book Tour, Part Deux in a few months.

  244. Holy shit! Really? I have never commented before, but I think this is the occasion to pop my commenting on the blog of The Blogess cherry, and say “Holy shit! Stephenie Meyer??”

    p.s. I intentionally spelled bloggess wrong above to make you feel better.

  245. My girlfriend bought me the audiobook for my birthday last month. We got it today, right as we were leaving for a road trip. So now you are riding with us down to Missouri! Wait, that sounded creepy . . . we’re also nude. Much better.

  246. I also understand that you have quite a following in North Carolina. In fact, there are quite lot of people in the hospital I where I spend my days that recognize my Beyonce stick puppet for who she is. 🙂

    Raleigh is quite pretty this time of year. 🙂

  247. I was just reading your amazing book while waiting for my Dr to come in and give me some drugs. she asked me what I was reading so I said ‘Let’s Pretend This Never Happened’ and she totally thought I was demented and that I wanted to pretend the visit didn’t happen. I almost fell off the table and then went into a coughing fit and them some laughter… I guess only the extra cool people are reading your book LOL.

  251. I just finished your book today and wanted to say thank you. I’ve never laughed so much (or so out loud) while reading a book on public transit before. Also, I must have recommended it to at least ten strangers who were interested in what could make someone laugh so hard they cried… in public.

  253. How come no one ever comes to Vermont on their book tour? Even Boston might work in a pinch. And seriously, do you hire someone to read all the comments on your blog and tell you about the good ones? I know you don’t have time to read them. I don’t have time and I’m nowhere as busy as you.

  254. I absolutely love the area near San Francisco and would have loved to meet you in person. You should get your publisher to swing Vegas for you. Lots of people love you hear and there’s free booze. Personally I don’t know how people do book tours without it.

  255. Book came in today, almost done reading it! Love it laughing so hard I’m crying can’t wait till your in FL!

  257. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! You need to come to Boston/Providence so those of us in New England can experience the fabulousness that is The Bloggess.

  258. I wish you’d come to Altoona. Your assured mockery of this place my husband and I live in would make living in it so much more worthwhile.

  259. I am so happy for you right now, I am crying, which might have as much to do with pregnancy hormones as anything, since I’ve already cried over fuzzy creatures with animals ears doing yoga on TV today, but that’s beside the point. I can’t wait to read your book.

  260. No freaking way! I never even thought that anyone else had even SEEN that episode of Punky Brewster better yet had the same fear because of it (well, technically I’m afraid of walk in freezers) but totally the same thing! I try telling people that that is where I got my fear from and they look at me like they’ve never even heard of Punky Brewster.

  261. We are lining up in San Antonio with margaritas and rooster pinatas! Holy Crap – can’t wait to hear you in person!

  263. I’m loving the book. So excited for you! Also, you need to make wrapping paper from the pattern on the inside of your book. I love it, and totally want to wrap a beyonce in it for my husband as a congrats fon the new job gift…

  264. FYI I am getting my Ph.D. in clinical psychology and I am absolutely sure that I could modify behavioral therapy to address your fear of refrigerators. It would be totally ridiculous, which is my favorite kind of therapy to do. I’m not sure it would beat licking public water fountains or yelling “penis” and “vagina” at ever-increasing volumes in random public places (both of which I have also done. as therapy. maybe also for fun. maybe.) but it definitely has entertainment potential.

    Also I started reading your book last night and laughed so hard I cried at the picture of the raccoon in his little jammies.

  265. Jenny,
    You deserve every awesome thing that is happening to you.
    Nothing crazy to say today. Just enjoy the ride and know that ….
    we are all SO proud of you and terribly excited FOR you!

  266. Got there late tonight ( dang baby shower) and thrilled that it was packed. I didn’t stay to get my books (yes, hat’ plural) because it would take a longtime, and I will totally regret it later.

    Nice job, congrats!

  267. OMGosh I am reading your book and have spent most of it laughing so much I could hardly read cause I was crying! It is hard to read and laugh and cry and try not to pees one pants but not wanting to get up and walk to the bathroom cause I can’t stop until the next chapter. Thanks for a great Friday night.

  269. Wow. Just… Wow. You are now famous to the famous.

    Thank you again for being so kind to Eustice and I. We know so well the look of tired in your eyes. We’re sending you flare free days and safe travels and all the good kinds of crazy.

    Eustice says that we’re gonna have to get more famous (or at least infamous) if we ever hope to have tea with you. In the meantime we so enjoy basking in the awesome you’ve created. Victor may be my Prince’s hero… but you are mine 🙂

  270. Sit was fun to see you tonight! You have a particular fan base and all I can say to future book signer attendees – no more chickens! There were way too many chickens there. And Jenny, I think you are actually on the petite side, seriously. You are a doll. Thanks for touring!

  271. Got my copy today!
    Stefunny Meier notwithstanding, I’m pretty sure that nothing will be as epic as the lady who showed up dressed as Juanita. Bloggess Cosplay FTW!!!

  272. I sooo wanted to see you, but had to take Grandma to the doc’s! Hope it went well and can’t wait to read the book!!!!!! (With a glass of Syrah)

  273. I am a twilight fiend, and a Bloggess fiend, pretty equally…except that I can read your work regularly without *quite* as many public displays of emotion, um sort of ;)…So it is awesome that Stephenie Meyer came to your signing! After Soleil Moon-freaking-Frye??? I wouldn’t have been able to spell my own name! You’re awesome…sure you couldn’t come to Seattle? Or Portland? Portland would be even better =) You’d like us…we’re smaller and very down to earth =)
    You’re doing great…just give yourself plenty of quiet time to regroup (or, you know, pills or something, hehe) <3

  274. Jenny,

    THANK YOU for letting me know that I’m not the only person who grew up with a weird childhood. We played near beehives and carried squirrel carcasses during hunting trips. Reading your book is like meeting a long lost member of my family. (Not really – you are actually quite sane compared to some of my relatives).

    Thank you for traveling and doing the book signings. I know it must be hard. And it makes me appreciate you even more!

  276. Holy crap! You, the Twilight author AND punky brewster?!? Wow that’s like 3 of the coolest people ever in the same vicinity. I’m glad I didn’t go to that book signing or I would have been so giggly I wouldn’t have even been functional.

    Though I do have to say, when I get into that mode (I did that with adam baldwin) my hubby is really good at getting my focused and usually getting a picture since I just stand there laughing with a camera… in a totally geeky and not completely creepy kind of way. 🙂

  277. You were such a fabulous trooper in Corte Madera (Marin). Thank you for coming out and spending a little time with the Northern Californian fangirls! XOXO

  278. Jenny, thanks so much for your reading and graciousness tonight.You were awesome – well paced, funny, and not noticeably nervous at all.

    It was my first book signing, and I then drove home (East) 70 miles afterwards. It was fun! Sorry about not bringing the wine slushie for you. As I mentioned, the CHP would have been all over me, and then I would have missed the reading, and the questions.

    Best of luck on the rest of the tour!

  279. As a Michele with one L, I guarantee she is WAY used to people screwing up her name. Maybe this is why I go by my handle so much. No one misspells any of these kindergarten primer words. I mean, unless they spell tits with a Z, which would only make me all cool and Snoop Dog.

    Anyway, that is AWESOME, Jenny. I will now be looking for you to make a cameo either in the final installment of the Twilight series OR in the Punky Brewster reunion special. Whichever is released first.

  280. You are such a beacon of positive energy….I am totally living vicariously through you right now! This whole thing is so exciting.

    I just got your book today…and love love love!!! I want to stay up all night reading it. But I will stop and get a few hours sleep….maybe.

    Cheers! You totally rock my world! (Yes…I know this comment is wayyy too freakin’ obsessive fan~girl~ ish. But, fuck it! It is what it is. And you help me get through my day….so there!) Love you!

  282. I’m totally going to get you to sign my boobie. *Ack cough* I mean book. I totally meant book. Unless you’d be OK with signing a boobie.

  283. The “estimated arrival date” for my pre-ordered book was the 19th and I still haven’t gotten it (it is the 21st). I don’t understand the purpose of pre-ordering, except by doing so I got the book plate (which came a week ago – THANK YOU!). This totally isn’t your fault, I should be whining to Amazon or the Post Office, but I was here anyway…

  285. I preordered your book through Amazon and they tell me it’s been shipped and will reach me around the 31st may, WTF? I live in Spain, it’s a six hour flight from NY, are they delivering it on foot??? Anyway, my sad story is just that, I have to wait for another long month before I can read your book ‘sigh’ Can’t wait!! But I am furiously happy you are enjoying your tour, and meeting lots of nice people, and selling lots of books 🙂 Bring it on!!!

  286. If Stephenie Meyer is specifically flying in to see your reading and get your book signed, I think you can safely say that you have “arrived.” Mazel Tov!!!

  287. Judging by the book tour cities, one can only deduce that you hate the Midwest. That’s okay, those of us here aren’t all fans but you know, we all aren’t Stephenie Meyer who can hop on a plane and fly across the country to get our books signed. You need to expand and give the rest of us a chance. Or, rather, just fly us all to you. That would work too.

  288. Did you point out that you misspelled her name or did she? Cuz of it was her that would be kinda embarrassing but if it was you that would be kinda stupid…totally could have hot away with it.

  291. I’m delighted to have my copy in hand but struggling with the concept of your visiting Austin and my not seeing you! How is this possible? It seems I may have to pretend I’m out of the country for the day.

  292. Oh my god, how freaking awesome is that? I don’t even like the Twilight saga and I’m all tingly-excited for you! I wish you were coming to the UK because I don’t live in the US anymore, so how will I ever get you to sign my taxidermied bee collection? P.S. I’m buying the book on kindle today, although I will probably buy the actual book just to look at and so that when people come over and see it, I’ll know exactly where we stand as friends.

  293. Bought your book. Read it. As in, couldn’t put it down! It was (you are) all kinds of awesome!

  294. Got your book last night, read it through before I went to bed. Laughed a bunch. Had very strange dreams…..

    Your inappropriate dinner party story syndrome would seem to me to open up a whole new career – I, personally, would pay you to go to my 37th high school reunion with me and tell some of them. Reunions need someone like you to take the starch out of them.

    I think you are a success as a writer, so it’s not likely that you would start a high school reunion escort business. However, it’s out there, in case you ever get writer’s block.

  295. Damn, I just moved FROM California!
    I am thinking maybe you need to tour the Midwest, yup…that’s what I am thinking…

  296. So that is now my favorite photo ever, because it keeps my dream alive that some day my ADHD meeds will kick in to the point that I can concentrate long enough to finish my book, and I will be doing a signing in Texas, and Jenny Lawson will be there to get my book, and I will die happy. Or wake up choking on my feeding tube. Either/Or. But, bonus, I’ll be svelte thanks to the awesome coma diet.

  297. I SO WISH I could get to one of your events. That has to be very gratifying that they sell out – even if it is upsetting to your readers. Ha! Maybe that’s a good thing of being near cities you won’t be at…I got the book (nyah, nyah, nyah!)

    I’m laughing constantly and telling everyone I know. Which isn’t a lot of people, but none of them are bloggers, so only know you because of your book. How weird is that?

  298. I am so sad that I wont be able to get to your book signing when you are here in FL… I am way north in Jacksonville…you are of course welcome to stop (even just to sign my new book)

    Anyway…

    I got my book yesterday and have giggled all the way through page 77… LOVE LOVE LOVE IT!

  299. I love, love, LOVE seeing you on that stage all smiley and unafraid. Loving your book (almost done). Can’t wait to see you in Dallas!!! (I’ll be wearing my Juanita apron!)

  300. Love (or maybe not?!) the fact that you still have the fear of refrigerators. I watched Punky for years, but that is seriously the only episode I can actually remember well. We have a big walk-in refrigerator at work, and it terrifies me every single time I have to go in it (which is as not often as possible). A very scary, and still all too real seeming, lesson.

  301. This whole post is awesome. Awesome from beginning to end. I’d be jealous but all the awesomeness has me in shock. You rock!

  302. Holy $H!T! I have almost peed myself a dozen times reading this damn book. It is the funniest thing I have ever read and so scarily familiar! I grew up in the south, a year in TX and yeah, it’s kinda like that! And then, I totally had this conversation with my husband and am totally blaming it on you:

    Him: I don’t think we should grow the vining plants on the garden fences this year because the deer eat too much of them.

    Me: They only occasionally eat some of the outside of the plants. It’s not the end of the world. And anyway, it is the most practical way to grow those darn beans.

    Him: We can just get some trellises to put inside and put up a bigger fence.

    Me: That costs too much. I read in a book recently that you can scare off pesky animals with urine. We could just pee on the plants.

    Him: So, that’s your solution. We are going to PEE. On our food.

    At which point I was lost because, yeah, that didn’t sound as good when he put it that way. I hold you dear Jenny, accountable for this one. I was still giggling an hour later when I got done with the dentist…..and who comes out from their dentist appt. giggling because they thought to pee on their vegetables. I do.

    You are completely awesome. And I am so glad I stumbled across you and your gigantic chicken one day because it has totally improved the quality of my time home with my kids….You rock. Thanks for being you!

  304. We should play 6 degrees of seperation now with authors and see who you are now connected to. Stephenie Meyer traveled to get your book signed by you, what author fly to get their her book signed by her? that would be an interesting game. Aren’t you a fancy pants.

    BTW, no matter what “adults” tell you prescription drugs and alcohol DO mix. 🙂

  307. Ohmygod, you are afraid of being trapped inside of a refrigerator too? I thought I was the only one. I literally used to have nightmares about it.

    I feel so much better to know I am not alone in this fear.

  309. Ah, I’m still waiting for my copy…. I’m sooooo excited!
    If you ever do any international book signings, please please please come to the UK!

  310. Oh how I WISH I could come! It would be amazing – I am really regretting being such a boring stay-at-home British person now… Hope you’re having a fabulous time, and are feeling all the love m’dear! J x

  312. So I am in Paris this morning with a Friend/Co-worker detouring on our way home from a meeting and I am looking for your book over here because I can’t wait until I get home to read it even though I preordered months ago. So to hold me over, I have been reading to her post of yours each night making her a fan. On the way to Notre Dame this morning we pass a nursery and they have yard ornaments and a brass chicken door knocker. I have purchased him and named him Paris and am taking pictures of him all over. And after explaining and reading to my friend she is now saying “Knock-Knock MotherFucker” everytime she gets excited. She found out on this trip that she is expecting and we are excited to get home so she can tell her husband. As we sit in the Amsterdam airport tired and delirious she just told me that she believes the words she will use to tell him are, “knocked-up MotherFucker.” Paris the parian Chicken Strikes!!

  313. Sweetie, you are the best thing since sliced bread. I know this for two reasons: 1) I’m about half way through your book – so my decision on you and sliced bread isn’t just a lark, or something to nice to say to prove that I’m a nice guy or just a stereotypical Canadian. I’ve done my research. 2) I really like sliced bread. Really thick sliced pumpernickel or dark rye. And I just found out that I’ve been eating too much of it, and it’s interfering with my Jenny Craig program. Too many starches. And now that I can’t eat it, I want it even more. And you’re even better than that.

    I wish you would come to Toronto Canada. I’d totally buy a second book – this time in hardcover, not another Kindle edition which I have now – and get you to sign it. I’m going to buy a few anyway, so that I can give them out to a few of my friends, but this one I would keep for myself.

    Anyway, congratulations on the success of your book. You deserve it. I hope they make it into a movie. Or maybe they could take excerpts and put them into fortune cookies. Wouldn’t that be great? One would say “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” and another would have a huge section from your book in it, written in teeny tiny letters, maybe the one that talks about the time your future in-laws met your dad as he in the backyard, stirring a big pot (I won’t say any more about it, because I want to not spoil it for anyone who hasn’t read it – and also I really want them to buy it to find out exactly what happened next).

  314. I don’t like Twilight, but Stephenie Meyer (it’s an “E” there? How weird!) coming for an autograph=all kinds of win.
    I want the book. I want is SO bad, but I stay in India and the exchange rate makes me cry. Would have to wait a bit 🙁
    Enjoy the madness, Jenny. Absolutely, furiously happy for you!

  316. It’s taking me a lot longer to read this than I expected.

    Mostly because I’ve laughed myself into half a dozen asthma attacks already and I’m only on page 89.

  317. I’m so proud of you!
    Oh! And my cat loves your book! She hasn’t read it, but she rubs her chin on the corner of it while I am reading it.

  318. Holy fuck balls, Batman – you’ve made it.

    The next time you see Stephanie Meyer, please ask her to create a line of wigs to rival Raquel Welch’s stuff. My mom would sooo wear that. Also, I would’ve gone to your book signing in LA and have you sign my didgeridoo, but apparently, you just can’t get on an airplane without a ticket – they call security on your ass (just in case you were wondering).

  319. YOU’RE (GLOWINGLY) REVIEWED IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE! I only buy these once in a while and squee’d and nearly dropped the magazine with glee to see your book in there. GO, YOU!

  322. So…I got your book yesterday and wanted to immediately start reading it. It’s beautiful, so I sat down outside on my patio. I wasn’t even through the introduction before I was laughing so hard I sounded like a lunatic. I went inside and continued to read on the couch, where I was promptly told by my boyfriend that if I was going to laugh that hard for that long, I am no longer allowed to read your book inside! This is definitely a “read it while you are alone” type of book, and so far I’ve loved every minute of it! PS – I had special little laugh when you talked about your dad killing mother animals on accident and then bringing home the babies to raise. I have an older brother who used to do the same thing (which is how we ended up with two squirrels and one raccoon living in our house). Good times!

  323. Kara, #23, had a great suggestion (not that I’ve read the Twilight books) — shape shifting mice and glittery weasels seem perfect — time for a collaboration!

    Oh, and by the way, yet again, you are awesome … and win…. everything!

  324. YAY YOU! again…Washington, D.C. NEEDS to be a stop on your tour…you have heard of it – our Nation’s Capital??? Pleeeeze come here!!!

  325. OK, so I just finished the part about the serial killer stabbing you in the face and now I know the problem. Don’t go to parties with asshats.

    Because honestly I would LOVE to have someone come to my house and tell stories like that – how can these people not be begging you to sign their (drunk, Texan, Republican) boobs??

  327. Comment #46:

    “Corey Feldman April 20, 2012 at 3:03 pm
    That is awesome Soliel Moon Frye and Stephenie Meyer, not to mention selling out 1/2 way through. I will need to get to your MD signing early.”

    Okay, I’ve been reading you for so long now that I totally read this comment thinking/wondering where you were planning on signing doctors. As in, in what state and city AND on what part of those doctors’ bodies. And thinking it was actually appropriate in some weird sort of medicated Jenny kind of way.

    AND also, it didn’t even occur to me to wonder if that was THE Corey Feldman until after I’d copied and pasted the comment here.

  330. I just finished reading your book, and I loved it very, very much. I didn’t want it to end! If you’re really going to write a second one, then I can’t wait (but, you know, take your time. You can’t rush these things). If you’re not actually going to do that, it’s perfectly ok. I will happily re-read this one for the rest of my life. It is truly a prized possession, and will be placed between my happy unicorn snow-globe and my sad gargoyle snow-globe – EXACTLY WHERE IT SHOULD BE.

    Also, thank you for writing. You have a voice that needs to be heard, whether you’re talking about the impending zombie apocalypse or the importance of recognizing depression and anxiety for the passive-aggressive asshole it is. They are. Whichever.

    Thank you (again),
    Rebecca R.

    P.S. If I end up actually doing something with my life, it will be in a large part because of you and what you write. So, thank you. Again again.

  332. Dear Jenny (AKA Bloggess),

    I just got quite possibly the best birthday present ever. It was your book. My birthday isn’t for another three weeks, but my husband picked it up for me at the store on the first day it came out (mainly because he knew if he waited any longer I would buy it for myself!) I have started reading it, and I am already enchanted with the way you describe everything so vividly. I love that you make no apologies for your sense of humor, you are yourself and no one else!

    So I’m sure you get this all the time, especially since your book has come out, but I just wanted to take a moment to tell you how wonderful you are. Your blog has added so much to my life, and in a way it helped save me. (Dear god, that sounds so cheesy and fake, but its the truth.)

    I began reading your blog when a friend told me about your Christmas miracle. I stayed for the pictures of dresses with giant vaginas sewn on them, the stuffed critters, the awesomely creepy dollhouse, the travelling red dress and the harassment of poor Victor (it reminds me of how I harass my own husband). In a way, I am glad that it took me so long to find my way over to your corner of the web. I am in law school right now, and some days are like my worst nightmare; you know the one where you get called on to answer a question that sounds like ancient Greek and the only answer you can come up with is something stupid like “property law is about property”?

    On those days, after I have felt my soul being crushed under the heel of academia, I come here. (I was coming here during class, but there have been a few occassions where I have been reading the blog and ended up biting my fist and snorting in laughter while the class was discussing something serious like genocide. Apparently it isn’t appropriate.) Your blog has become my safe haven, where I can escape the hard realities and crack a smile. And since it took me so long to find this manna from heaven, I had plenty of archived posts to go through.

    It was when I was going through the archives that I came across your posts about depression and anxiety. I read them and recognized something within myself that I didn’t want to acknowledge. Until I read your description of “being in the hole” I couldn’t put a name to how I felt. All I knew was that I didn’t care about anything. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t feel anything. Being in the hole was the best description I had heard. I have struggled with my depression and anxiety, mainly because I felt that asking for help was a shortcoming. My husband and family were so supportive, but I felt ashamed. It wasn’t shame that I couldn’t tough it out, I felt ashamed that as much as my friends and family loved me, I felt nothing in return. It was only when my husband asked if I still loved him that I knew the depression couldn’t continue. My answer to him was one hundred percent honest; the answer was I’m not sure. I couldn’t feel anything, so how could I know if I was in love with him anymore? I remembered how I had felt when we had started dating, when we got married, but now I couldn’t feel. It scared me that I no longer knew my self or what I wanted. I was scared that I had become a zombie, moving throughout life with a dull glaze over my eyes.

    Fast forward six months later and I am on meds and slowly but surely seeing a therapist. I still haven’t gotten the balance perfect, but I feel alive again. I have feelings again, I know myself again. I know that I am madly in love with my husband, I know that I have purpose.

    I know this is a lot, and I have never posted to your blog before, but I wanted to thank you. I have no idea who I would be without this blog to bring me back from my precipice. Your amazing spirit, humor, and individuality have gotten me through some very hard days.

    I have no idea if you will ever read this, or much less see it buried within all these comments, but it makes me glad to be able to say thank you. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

  333. I wanted to go to the SF one soooo bad. Bought the book, drove with the husband over an hour to get there, then had an anxiety attack outside and couldn’t bring myself to go in. I was seriously so excited that I freaked myself out…. Oh well, at least I have the book and it is AMAZING! XOXO

  334. Yesterday I went to the pharmacy to pick up my anxiety meds and they were like, “We don’t have them” and I was like “I am going to have a panic attack right here and now” and they were like “Just kidding they’ll be ready in five minutes don’t have a panic attack” and I was like “Y’all suck and that was a close one” and they were like “Go sit down you’re freaking people out” and I was like “See this book that I’m reading? It’s better than antidepressants (but please still give me my antidepressants to go with the anxiety meds” and they were like “hmm” and I was like “EVERYONE HAS TO READ THIS BOOK NOW GO BUY IT IT’S IN THE BESTSELLER SECTION” and they were like “Ma’am, you’re unstable” and I was like “That’s why I’m here.” For the record, the book was your book and I’ve been telling people at grocery stores and salons and pharmacies to read it all week.

  335. I’m still waiting for your book to get shipped to the UK and then to Switzerland, where I’m currently working. It’s gonna take a while, I suspect. It’s OK though – the anticipation is the best part…

  336. I have guffawed right out loud while reading some parts of your book. But I do need to ask one question — do all your copies come with a bullet hole?! On one of the first pages of the book, there is a round hole at the top of the page as if a bullet when clean through!! Which, by the way, did the gun come from the gun cabinet or gun armoire?!?

  338. I’m still waiting for my copy of your book to arrive. I got impatient and bought the Kindle version while waiting for my real book version to arrive and I read the whole thing in two days because it was THAT good. I predict that that actual book will show up tomorrow so Amazon can be like, “Really, you couldn’t survive the weekend without it?” Then I’ll have to display the book in a place of honor on our bookshelves so our friends (as if I ever invite anyone over) can see what fantastic taste I have in books – David Sedaris, Augusten Burroughs, Jen Lancaster, and Jenny Lawson.

  341. I wish I was close enough to attend a reading – sigh…

    I was so excited to finally get your book in the mail yesterday – I’d pre-ordered as soon as pre-orders were available. I read about 1/3 of it last night, until my hubby finally asked me to stop because I was keeping him awake with the laughing, snorting, and “ya gotta hear this”‘s. LOVE your book – love you. Thank you for sharing and making us laugh!

  342. I stood in my yard last night with your bookplate in one hand and my e-mail from amazon saying your book is on its way in the other, yelling “Jenny! Jenny?” and you didn’t show for the book signing on Hall Street in Bettendorf, Iowa that I scheduled with your imaginary publicist whom I’ll call Gertie. Really, Jenny, if you can’t keep up with Gertie’s schedule perhaps you should fire her. I guess I’ll eat all of this egg casserole myself.

  344. I’m in so much love with your outfit. Is that a dress? Or a shirt and skirt? A ridiculously awesome mumu? I don’t know but I want one! I already have red shoes…but i think your’s might be better.

  347. As a behaviour therapist I can say that there is totally a therapy for that.

  348. True Story: My BFF and I use the metaphor ‘Getting Stuck in the Fridge Episode’ to describe any show or situation where things are usually comedic in nature, but have taken a turn for the serious.

  349. Was she having you sign two books? or was she pulling a switcheroo? She’s totally grabbing that book on the table while she distracts you with her beautiful hair and the fact that she’s Stephanie Meyer.

  350. I totally just hypervenhilated for you when I saw your picture with the lady with the gorgeous hair and the hard to spell name (I forgot how to spell it and I am pretty far down on the comments… so I am just gonna go with that).

    You just never know who is stalking your blog online.

  351. Just imagine how elephants feel when they hear the joke: “How can you tell when an elephant is in your refridgerator?” Awkward…

    The End.

  352. Holy coon cats…. STEPHANIE MEYER is a fangirl and hopped on a M n Fing PLANE to see you.
    Do you wonder what other notables read you????

    I think that is what Hil Clinton was actually doing on her blackberry….
    Catching up with the Blogess and she has a secret stash of ethically taxidermied mice she calls her little Billies…

    COME TO BOSTON… we have BEANS!!!!!

  353. I downloaded your book last week. I just finished the chapter about your pug passing away. I have to portion out my reading time because I don’t want it to end. I love your blog and your book is even better! Thank you for sharing yourself like this with the rest of us. I just wish your book tour had included northern Virginia so I could be all “fangirly” and “gushy” in person.
    Thank you for making me feel better about always feeling a bit left-of-center and never feeling like I quite belong wherever I’m at; and for the warped and crazy shit that rumbles around in my head and sometimes seeks out my mouth. I feel a little less misunderstood because of you.

  354. My friend LauraJane and I just about pissed ourselves with happy, happy laughter at your reading.

    Thank you.

  355. I totally remember that episode of Punky Brewster and when I see a fridge on the treelawn (don’t ask, it’s an Ohio thing) on garbage day, I always slow down to see if the doors have been removed OR if they’re duct taped securely closed because OMG CHERIE COULD BE CAUGHT IN THERE!

    Also, Stephenie Meyer flew out to your reading?! That’s like an episode of “When Fandoms Collide” right there.

  356. I had the exact same fear of getting stuck in a fridge after seeing that episode! I wish I could come and get a book signed at one of your readings, but I live in Australia! Good luck with the rest of the trip.

  357. I enjoyed the reading/discussion in LA. It was very educational. And I gotta tell you -” imagine the audience naked” has nothing on “start by telling a story about self-induced explosive diarrhea while mistaking your cat for a rapist.” that is simply the most brilliant “this can’t possible get any more scary now” gambit EVAR! Cudos 😉

  359. Wow, that refrigerator episode was the only Punky Brewster episode I really remember. And I had that fear too! Got to watch out for that fridge!

  360. You are hilarious, and crazy in the best way possible. So glad the book tour is going well. I’m at the part where you got engaged to Victor. Loving it.

  361. Aargh! I can’t believe you were in the Bay Area and I missed it! Could you come to San Jose, pretty please with pink sugar and a cherry on top? Or maybe with a taxidermied weasel on top? 🙂 I’m sure there’s no way you got enough of California in just a couple days (especially since one of those days was in Los Angeles)!

  362. Woah. You must be a real writer now, right? If other authors are coming to your signings? To think, I stalked you before you were famous…

  363. I can’t imagine being at a book signing, looking up, and seeing someone I admired. I would have done the exact same thing you did. Actually, I may have given up my seat and let her sit down out of awe and respect. LOL.

  364. My mom wouldn’t let me watch punky brewster when I was a kid. I was deprived.

    Come to Ohio, pretty please?

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