Home again (for a day)

in Random Crap

I get to stay home for the day to rest up before the next leg of my book tour (which is all in Texas) so I got to wash clothes and unpack a special new friend.

Victor:  What the fuck is that?

me:  I wanted something special to remind myself of the book tour and most women buy jewelry, but I don’t like jewelry so instead I bought a tiny ermine.  She died of natural causes and is my new best friend.

Ermione

Victor:  What is wrong with you?

me:  She’s a very good listener.  Her name is “Ermione Granger.”  She’s a sassy thing and graduated at the top of her wizarding class.  Plus, SHE IS ADORABLE.

Victor:  Shit like this never happened while you’re gone.

me:  I would have guessed.  She’s nice to travel with.  We have very comfortable silences together.  I love her.

Victor:  I suppose she’s still looking for her ethically taxidermied “Ron Weasley”?

me:  And this is why we’re married.  You get me.

Victor:  No, I really, really don’t.

me:  Well, then it’s why there’s a stuffed weasel in the bottom of my suitcase.

Victor:  Motherfucker.

me:  I’m kidding.  I didn’t buy a weasel.  Could you imagine if I found Ermione AND Ron Weasley in the same week?  Honestly, what would the chances be?  Astronomical.

Then I pulled out Juanita and realized that technically I did have a weasel in my suitcase all along, but not a male one and I pointed out that she didn’t count because she’s a special guest on my book tour and then Victor pointed out that most authors don’t forget they had a dead weasel in their suitcase and then I pointed out that Juanita is much more than just a dead weasel and that TSA probably got a great deal of excitement out of the deal when they searched my bag and found her in her tiny travel coffin.

Basically I’m bringing joy wherever I go.  And I need a new weasel.  With red hair.

PS.  Tomorrow (Monday) I’m in San Antonio for a reading/book signing.  Come?  Pretty please?

282 thoughts on “Home again (for a day)”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. She is adorable!!! and I hope you find her Ron Weasley sooner rather than later to keep the happiness coming on strong.

  8. Sometimes I totally forget that I have a stash of magazines in my front suitcase pocket and then I find them months later. I am sure it is totally the same with weasels.

  10. The Book Passage stop of your book tour was a lot of fun and I want to thank you on behalf of my wife and I for a lot of great laughs. We’re loving the book.

  11. Two things: Ermione is wearing a dress ganked from Frankie Stein, a Monster High doll (they’re whorish, undead Barbies, basically).

    Also, my cat’s name is Ron Weasley, so maybe in a few years, I can hook Ermione up.

  13. I would totally go if I was allowed to buy plane tix w/o supervision! Lately I have been needing much more “supervision” these days…I don’t know why? Gosh my husband is a selfish ass and yells all “Don’t spend our food money on plane tix to San Antonio!”, I thought we would be doing ourselves a favor and lose some weight? WTF? Helping, I am helping!

  16. Everyone forgets they have a dead weasel in their suitcase from time to time. How does Victor not get that?

  17. I just got the book yesterday, and I stayed up really late finishing it.I’m tired as heck but it was so worth it. It was the best. book. EVER. I wish you were coming to Canada so you could sign my copy. 🙁 Please, we are so nice here. We would totally not freak out about anything, ever. We are too polite to.

  18. I’m so glad you found a tiny friend to share comfortable silences with. That’s the best kind of friendship.

    I hope you find Ron Weasel soon. They’ll be perfect together.

  19. Ermione is awfully cute 🙂 I don’t normally dig taxidermied things, but this ermine is definitely an exception! 🙂 Best wishes with the book tour; I ordered your book today and can’t wait to read it!

  21. Why is Victor shocked when you bring home new “friends” that just happen to be stuffed? I’m shocked by his shock.
    Also I’ve been reading your book all weekend, and it has brought me joy simply because I know realize I’m not the only person with a fucked up way of thinking.

  24. She’s fabulous! I thought she was kind of Avril Lavigne (Avril Ermione?) from her earlier punk-schoolgirl days, when I first saw the pic. She just needs a wand now….

  26. Am reading the book now and loving it! WIsh you would tour up here, and by up here I mean Canada, especially northern Canada, so I would guess not a fucking chance…

    Much as Ermione Granger is a clever name, that thing is creepy. Of course I find all things like that creepy, and based on your book you are way better with it than me. At least it’s not “come join me in the van perky”, its just creepy which is way better…

  27. She’s gorgeous, and I hope you find her a red headed weasel soon. Wish I was close enough to any of your tour stops to go to one, but alas they are far when I’d have to take my kids. Good luck on the rest of the tour. Loved the book.

  28. Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Thank you again for signing my twine. My wife just couldn’t wrap her mind around why I was bringing my giant ball of twine to the book reading.

    wife: “I just can’t believe you’re actually going to bring that twine in there with you ”

    me: “Oh , no it’s no big deal all. Jenny totally gets it. Besides there’s going to be metal chickens and dead things and all sorts of stuff. My twine ain’t nothin’.”

    wife: – blank stare-

    But after spending a couple of hours with you and a huge pile of other Bloggess fans, she pretty much gets it – and deep inside I think she thinks it’s pretty freakin’ cool that you signed the twine. (But she probably thinks it’s even cooler that I don’t bring home dead things.)

  29. On another note, is she wearing a Monster High doll outfit? My 7 year old asked

  33. Wish you’d come visit Philly! Ermione is adorable, and I really do NOT have a fondness for taxidermy. Unless it’s a wolf hat/cape thingey and then, well, then I’d probably go get lost in the woods and be some kind of crazy wolf woman. So, it’s a good thing I’m in the city with no wolves, dead or alive, around. But anyhow, Congrats on the new addition!

  34. I’m so excited you will be here tomorrow. I’m not missing it for the world.

  37. She is gorgeous and a very fitting gift to yourself for the sheer awesome that you have been spreading with your book!!

  38. Glad you found a little friend on your travels:) I started reading your book yesterday. I love it! I almost stopped when I found the secret word…but I thought, what the heck, I should continue on. Oh, and blood absolutely has a smell.

  39. Halfway through the book (love it!!!). Next time he wonders, just remind him that HE had to convince YOU to marry HIM. “Getting” you is now his job.

  40. So LOVE you and wish you were coming to Canada…the capital city of Ottawa to be specific!! I would find you a dead/stuffed something from north of the border to make your collection continental!

  41. I love Ermione 🙂 I can’t believe you were able to fly with Juanita. We just flew and my husband got in trouble for putting his laptop and carry-on in the same x-ray box.

  42. I got your book Wednesday. I’m trying to read just one chapter a day. You know, to savor the deliciousness for as long as possible. Honestly, the self-discipline required is almost more than I can handle. And if I ever find a ginger weasel, it’s yours. <3

  44. Oh dear God I love you Jennifer Lawson. You make me laugh like no other and I really needed something to laugh about today. I also thank God for you that he made a man like Victor for you, I have a “Victor” of my own we call him Tiger, some of our conversations are just as wonderful!!! Have an awesome day!!!!

  46. there are no words to express the joy I felt when I read that you found Ermione Granger and that she graduated at the top of her wizarding class… I laughed out loud and tried to explain it to my family but they all just looked at me with THAT look so I stopped explaining and just continued to feel happy. So thanks for that.

    There are also no words to express how happy I am that my pre-ordered copy of your book is currently on it’s way from some Amazon warehouse somewhere to my house… it takes forever to get to my house because I live in the middle of nowhere in northern Ontario Canada and Amazon probably sputters and says “WTF- HER AGAIN?” every time I order something because it requires them to get a map and a GPS and hire a local driver and everything just to deliver a package to me and that annoys them.

    But I don’t care because soon I will be getting your book and that is ALMOST as good as being able to visit you on your book tour.

    And by “almost as good” I mean I am going to pretend you actually sent me the book yourself and it is signed by Ermione Granger in special invisible wizarding ink because that is what makes me happy and no one can prove otherwise.

    Also Michelle G the commenter above is totally right- we are nice (albeit a little bit crazy) here in Canada and would totally love it if you came on tour here. But she is mistaken about one thing- I would totally freak out. I’m just awesome like that.

    Have fun on the rest of your tour and I can’t wait until you find Ermione’s Ron!

  47. Good lord, I adore both you and Victor. Bought your book yesterday-finally-and finished reading it this morning. I have a headache and am dehydrated today, because I laughed and cried throughout the entire book. Thanks for sharing your life with us!

  48. I just got to the point with your niece, your Dad, and the raccoon. I love this book.

  50. Ermione would be far more interesting if she was a lesbian, and her and Juanita had a sordid affair. I mean, she’s already half way there with the neck tie and chained belt.

  51. I’ve been reading your book and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

    BTW, I think there’s a HUGE market for your GPS. My evil bitch GPS was trying to get me killed, and since it hasn’t worked she decided to just commit suicide on a day when I REALLY needed her and I got so badly lost that I thought I’d never get home. I promise to buy like 10 of your GPSs so that I will always have a backup!

  52. I believe that Ermoine is my favorite of your taxidermy friends so far! Being a strict vegetarian I should be disturbed by that, or you should be, or someone should be….

    I have had a week battling severe bronchitis, followed 2 days later by a severe stomach virus, so I have had a lot of down time unable to do anything but lay and stare at the wall. Thank goodness I had your book for most of the week to keep me company! That is supposed to be a great compliment, that you were there for me in my time of need. Not that I was so bored I had nothing better to do than to read your book. Quite the contrary, it is fabulous. You know what, i’ll just shut up now. Just remember, book = YAY!

  53. OMG, she’s SO cute!!! You totally need a red haired weasel! I’ll be on the lookout! Hehe! Best of luck with the rest of your tour… :o)

  54. LOL to AlishaJayBird… or she could get a stuffed rabbit with a clay pot and call it Hare’e Potter LOL

  55. Man, wait ’til you come to Florida. We’ve got taxidermied shit you wouldn’t believe. Can’t you come further north than Miami, like maybe Orlando or something? You up your odds of taxidermied animals the further from the water you get.

  56. Really Victor, are you dense? Have you not, by now, realized that there’s more of her father in her than perhaps either one of you wanted to admit? Or at least, are you not by now accustomed to this? I mean really. There are worse things to collect. And Ermione is ADORABLE. But then again, I also think Bobcats are adorable.

  58. I bought your audiobook and have been listening to it while I walk my dog. It is creating a very uncomfortable walking situation as I burst into laughter randomly whilst walking sans-company (aside from my dog who, by the way, is very stimulating company). I have endured many a “don’t walk on the sidewalk next to the crazy laughing girl” experiences so naturally, I wanted to thank you. My days are far more entertaining with your book in my life.

  59. Huh. So, for some reason when I first saw the outfit, I totally thought she was a goth/punk chic, and was wondering why she didn’t have a mohawk. But now I can see the school girl type outfit.

    Congrats on your new acquisition. She is a lovely addition to your already weird and wonderful family of “friends.” I’ll be on the lookout for a male red headed taxidermied weasel and will let you know when I stumble upon him. Should be any day now, I imagine.

    Good luck on your tour in TX.

  60. Victor’s just jealous because he doesn’t have an ethically stuffed ermine of his own. Loved, loved, loved your book. I literally laughed out loud while reading in my doctor’s waiting room. Got quite a few odd looks. One little old man looked at me and said ” your’re a happy little thing”!

  61. OMG she’s adorable! (Never thought I would call a dead animal adorable) You know though, I feel like so much about you makes more sense now that I’ve read some of your book.

  62. Ermione is wicked cute. I really think Victor should find you a weasel to go with her. If that doesn’t say I love you, I don’t know what does.

  64. I always like to counter any complaints of trip purchases with:

    “At least it’s not a DEAD MIDGET!!!!”

    That usually buys a couple of seconds of silence. Then I drop a Ninja Poof Pellet and disintegrate into thin air. LEARNING THE ART OF THE NINJA WAS THE BEST INVESTMENT EVER!!!!

  65. Jenny, you are a TREASURE. If I knew where to get you a stuffed Ron Weasley he would be on his way to your doorstep right now. Thanks for making me laugh!

  67. Your book is completely, all-encompassingly awesOme. Haven’t laughed so hard in I can’t remember when. Thank you for being a kickass woman! (and extremely quirky!)

  69. I just read this to Eric, my version of Victor, and he chuckled at the picture and said, “She’s a little minx.”
    I also just bought TWO MORE copies of your book at Target (the first two were Amazon Pre-orders, one with the amazing bookplate!) to continue spreading The Joy of Jenny across the land.
    This English teacher is seriously thinking it needs to be required reading for the parents of all of my middle schoolers. The world would be a happier place.
    Thank you so much, Jenny!
    Have fun with Ermoine!

  70. I can’t help but associate the name Victor with ‘eastern European assassin/henchman’.

  72. I can’t be the only one who thought that Hermione was WAY too good for Ron. She should totally have hooked up with Harry.
    Anyway, best of the luck with the remaining legs of this rockstar book tour of yours. 🙂

  73. Of every wonderful word in this post, my favorites are these:

    …found her in her tiny travel coffin.”

    The sad thing is, I was actually wondering how you transported these wonders without smooching or breaking them.

  74. I would totally be there if it wasn’t on the other side of the country. I’m just going to keep hoping you decide to tour a little closer to where I am. Until then, I’m happy with my book and signed book plate.

    Side note, reading your book…things totally make sense now. *Totally*

  75. If you find a way to bring your book tour to St Louis, I bet we could find a way to find you a Ron Weasley!
    I’m buying myself your book for Mother’s Day, for the kids to give me. I’ll be so surprised, and happy, when I open the package. I can’t wait!!!
    Enjoy your tour… even if you don’t come to St Louis.

  76. I’m really hoping Ermione was living at Paxton Gate in SF before she joined you. (Or, at the least, someone took you there.)

  77. OK, so, I just did a google image search on “taxidermied weasel” to find a creepy-looking one that could be used as “Ron”. Almost all the images were of Juanita. I’m pretty sure that warrants a prize of some sort.

  78. I heard about Ermione in Marin and couldn’t wait to meet her… She’s perfect! You must find Ron!

  79. If you can’t find a red headed weasel I will send you some of my red hair to make a weasel wig.

  80. Your book arrived this week and I promptly applied my signed book plate. I’m delighted and I can’t wait to read it! Also, I can’t believe you left Portland OR off your book tour. You visit here and legions of furiously happy fans will show up to see you… probably in costume… with taxidermied familiars in hand… Call Powell’s Books today! 🙂

  82. I pre-ordered in February (or maybe it was March, I don’t remember), and then Amazon was all “you’ll get your book when we damn well feel like delivering it,” so I had to order it for my Nook. I got the hardcover on Friday and have now read both versions.

    And btw – where does one put the bookplate? Because I love the inside paper and certainly don’t want to cover it up.

    And thirdly, you really should be coming to Chicago.

  85. Got your book via UPS on Thursday, finished it on Friday. Would have been done on Thursday, but the tears in my eyes from laughing made it hard to read. TOTALLY looking forward to book 2.

  87. I own a shirt that says “I’d get sleazy for Ron Weasley.” Perhaps Ermione Granger needs a tiny one to find her “Ronald Weasel-y.” I think yes.

  88. Thanks for spreading the joy by letting us meet you, Juanita and Copernicus! (You can tell Victor that the whole audience in Marin clapped and cheered when J&C were brought out- they’re celebrities!)

  89. I…. really need to see this tiny travel coffin. For, um, science? I don’t know. I just want to see a tiny travel coffin.

  90. Love it. Since it is a white ermine, it could be dyed to any color you want. That would give you your redheaded one.

    I got in trouble as a kid when I stole the neighbor’s white cat and dyed it blue. She didn’t think it was very funny. My mother, luckily, saw the humor in it.

  91. LOVE IT!!!

    Your book is cracking me up. Seriously, laughing so hard there are tears in my eyes. My husband keeps telling me I have to be quiet while I’m laughing or I’ll wake the kids up.

  94. “tiny little travel coffin”

    oh dear god.

    I still continue to try to balance my affection for you with my phobia of rodents. You’re winning. Unless I were to see these things in real life and then you’d have a real live screaming Irish banshee on your hands.

    So basically *I* bring joy where I go too 🙂

  97. Well Juanita is basically Jennifer in Spanish, right? So she could go by Ginny Weasley for short, no?

  98. I will be seeing you tomorrow in San Antonio! It is book club night, and we’re discussing “Room” by Emma Donoghue, which I loved, but I’m going to be missing some of the discussion to come see you! I can’t wait! (I’ll be the one who can’t talk because you are the most famous person I’ve ever met…)

  99. So I thought I’d be oh so helpful and google – taxidermied weasel with red hair. Um….two hits came up for TheBloggess.com and two for “assorted pelts”. Ironically, the “flaming redhead with her a$$ stuffed” came up and my first inclination was oooooooh a stuffed redheaded weasel….and then I realized it was porn. 🙁

    Sorry, but my search goes on. I will help you in your journey to find Ron Weasley.

  101. We had a hamster named Hamione Granger. Unfortunately she used an Alohomora charm on her cage door, and from there, as far as we can tell, apparated.

  102. Congratulations on your growing family!

    Not to pressure you or anything, but when does your next book come out? And can you make it even longer? Because I like this one and need more. Until then, I’ll keep reading your blog. Also, maybe J. K. Rowling will come to your next book signing.

  103. Soooooooo, I just called an left my uncle possibly the weirdest voicemail request ever. He’s got a taxidermy hobby, and my cousin, as a joke, dressed up a trio of weasels for halloween. One as Ron Weasel-y. I can’t make this up. The other two were dressed like the weasels from Roger Rabbit. Here’s hoping he gets back to me and I can send pictures! (and that he doesn’t just think I’ve finally lost it)

  104. Where do you find the adorably fashionable outfits? Are they just doll’s clothes? I have a squirrel waiting in the freezer to be taxidermied and I’d love to find a saucy little get up for when that day comes.

    Contrary to the way that comment comes across. I am a completely normal person. I swear.

  107. Oh she is adorable. Does she have a twin? She would fit in with my mouse collection nicely.

  109. Normally your interest in taxidermied animals kind of creeps me out, but I can’t deny that Ermione is adorable.

    Also, your book arrived yesterday! Now I can learn where is love of (ethical) taxidermy comes from.

  110. This is looking more and more like a sequel to “Honey I Shrunk The Kids.” I’m surprised you can get the gang through airport security. Had so much fun seeing you in L.A. What a treat. Have a great time in Texas! If you are anywhere near the Cockroach museum in Plano, say hi to Liberoachi for me.

  111. Ermione Granger is SO CUTE! I couldn’t have left her behind either, you did the right thing. How often do you get the chance to buy a new best friend? Hardly ever!

  112. Victor wasn’t really surprised that you brought Ermione home, was he? From previous experience he must have known you’d show up with something, and was actually relieved that it was an ermine and not a skunk or a bear. You two just like to have these discussions. And it wasn’t a live bobcat, which is probably his high water mark for crazy.

  116. I really really love Ermonie. I love her so much I may find your house and come steal her. Or just find a weasel and put him beside her and you’d wake up in the morning and be all: What the hell!? How did Ron get here? Um…MAGIC! You know Ermonie can do anything, and she needs her Ron.

    On another note, I now go into antique stores and if I see a stuffed animal I will buy it. I have yet to find one though. 🙁 I think Texas is cooler then Maryland.

  117. You must find a Ron for Ermione! Aw, dead animal love.
    Congrats on your success! I am so proud of you. Love your book! I actually threw it down at one point, crying laughing so hard, trying not to wake the husband and baby. “GO HOME JENKINS!” is now a common phrase between my girlfriends and I. We’re having a book review party soon to discuss the book, drink a lot and talk about how awesome you are.

  118. Also, PLEASE come to South Carolina! Or Georgia. Or North Carolina. We would love to meet you! You are so much to so many. Thanks for your humor, wit and honesty.

  119. I am SOOOO reading your book right now. Still loving it. But I want to tell you that I used to be crazy too!! I mean anxiety ridden. I think I am better now. Not so awful as the attacks you had but similar in a dysfunctional way. I think you’re going to be FINE! I am writing a book, too.. but now about pretending it never happened. I don’t have the same guts you do. Mine is about the secret portal in my backyard. Don’t tell. (I’ll let you know when it’s due out. Yay!)

    NECROPHILIA IS BAD!!!

  120. Comfortable silences with dead things… I feel better about wanting to stab people with a pencil now. Just looking to share some comfortable silence.

  122. Do you really need a Ron? Isn’t Hamlet the slightest bit interested? I’d love to see him find a non-tragic lady love.

    You emanate the most incredible warmth and positive energy. I guess that would be your aura? I wish I could see aura colors…I bet yours is gorgeous.

  126. Stoats have sort of reddish fur in the summer. I am thinking Ron Weasley is going to be Ermione’s knight in shining armor who died peacefully of natural causes on a day in June.

  128. My dad has a stuffed European red squirrel that was his pet when he was a little boy!!! Felix. We love him…
    Good luck with the next leg of your book tour.

  129. I read this at the reception after a memorial service. Ironically funny since the deceased 15-yr-old boy used to hide books inside his textbooks to read. You make bad days better. Enjoy home.

  130. i suspect poor victor will be VERY pissed off at me suggesting you buy a dead little Harry Otter to complete the set. it would be like a dead action set! oh shit, but you don’t have a bad guy…. unless you find a Moledemort in some shop. i think you need a bigger office for all the book signing treasures your about to buy.

  132. Dear lord, if I could find you another weasel, I would…just to hear the next conversation you would have with Victor. My daughter adored your choice of outfits for Ermione by the way.

  133. One day you will bring home something completely “normal” and Victor will be very disappointed.

  134. I just want you to know that my 12 year old daughter is now reading your book after I read her the portion on the ex-lax fiasco. She thinks it’s the best book ever. I think I might not be a good mom for letting her read it, but at least she’s reading, right? And she’s obviously advanced for her age. You are fantastic!

  137. Staying with that rodent theme, will there be a member of the “Mousefoy” family any time soon? Then again, I figure your pets are all in the “Rodentsclaw” House!

  139. Just proves you totally did not lie about all the taxidermy stuff.. Notice how I said stuff and not the other… In lieu of the turkey episode I was trying to be sensitive… Apple falling close to tree comes to mind… Great book… Love it. Thanks for making me giggle.

  140. She’s beautiful, and I love her schoolgirl-chic style; it’s very Rachel, a la Glee. 😉 And, of course you must get a Ron Weasley to be her companion. Duh, Victor. 🙂

  141. I am 0-2 at this book signing thing. Maybe, if you’re not too overwhelmed (or annoyed by then), you can sign mine at BlogHer. By then, you’ll have commissioned some desk-sized Beyonces, right?

  143. I surely hope my husband never checks my eBay search history.

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/WEASEL-TAXIDERMY-NEAT-antlers-hides-mount-deer-elk-buffalo-/380416160286?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item589291f21e <– is he a redhead?

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/WEASEL-WALL-TAXIDERMY-/261004734734?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_210&hash=item3cc518310e <– that one's especially weird, what with the no back half, but there's a tail anyway.

    http://www.ebay.com/itm/Weasel-Taxidermy-Reference-Photo-Cd-/140602812807?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item20bc94a987 <– that one's a CD, so you can DIY

  144. When you met Stephenie Meyer, I hope you whipped out Juanita’s travel coffin and said, “You and I interpret vampires somewhat differently.”

  145. Come to Virginia? Pretty please? I will buy more books and have you sign them all so I can share your awesomeness with everyone I know.

    I am getting ready to reread the book because it’s just not fair that I finished it so fast. And I never thought I’d be jealous of Stephenie Meyer.

  146. I just bought your book today! I had my 5 year old help me find it on the bookshelves. I said, “It has what looks like a little white mouse on the front. ”
    “AH HA!” she said. And she found it for me! I can’t wait to start reading!

  147. Mustela Putorious (European polecat – Domesticated Ferret) = creation of a trio as “Hairy Poletter”

  150. She’s lovely. Is that a police badge she’s wearing? I didn’t realize there was a Weasel Police Force. I wonder what they enforce?

  151. I have been reading your book all morning. My husband thinks I’m nuts because I keep bursting out in uncontrolable laughter that leads to tears and an inability to breath. What fun!!!

  153. So um, she died of natural causes but Rabies is a natural cause of death for an ermine. So is getting mauled by a cat.
    I mean, I know the taxidermist didn’t off her directly, so that’s ethical, but then…

    Also, depending on what year of school Ermione is in, maybe you could just bring Victor.
    He can call himself Victor Glum and wear a bearskin hat.

  154. I’d like to know when we can expect to see some “Jenkins” items over on Zazzle. Mayby in time for the holidays?

  155. Did he even look at that face?! Ermione might be the sweetest dead animal I’ve ever seen. She is my favorite of your creatures I think…

  157. You know, I just can’t figure out why Victor has a problem with ‘Ermione. Is it because she basically dropped him after he took her to the Yule Ball? It is, isn’t it? Next time you talk to him, just say, “Oh, Victor, it’s okay. ‘Ermione still really likes you, but Ron Weasel is her Stuffed Sole Mate.” (You need a stuffed fish to pull this off. Just FYI.)

  158. Please tell me there will also be a Harry Otter. It just wouldn’t be right without him.

  160. I’m coming to see you on Thursday! After the hell of panic attacks, can’t get out of bed days and now the fury of action as I try to do well enough on Finals and papers to at least not drop below a 3.5…. I need to devote day to fun and randomness and stuffed animals. I NEEEEED it!

    I hope you bring Ermione with you, she’s adorable!

  161. Please bring her to SA tomorrow. My life will finally be complete once I get to meet the magical Ermione. Oh, and you too. There’s that. See ya tomorrow!!!!!!

  162. Jenny – I’m the English teacher that asked if I could use some of your blog posts to show my students about dialog and voice. I’m half-way through your book. :o) —As a kid, I lived out at Las Lomas between San Angelo and Wall!!! I went to San Angelo schools because my mom was a teacher there, but I think we were supposed to be in the Wall district. We’d sometimes go watch Wall high school play 6-man football for kicks since it was close.

    -Hoping I can come see you when you come through the Dallas area!
    Tess

  163. Oh my goodness, “Ermione Granger” is so cute in name AND face. Like, I want one. She goes perfectly with your Pullip dolls!

    Here’s hoping you find her “Ron Weasel-y” on your next book-tour leg!

  165. Holy crap she’s cute. She’s so cute she doesn’t even need Ron. I bet she’s saying in her little voice “I can do sass all by myself!”

  166. I got really excited over Ermione…but then I realized that you were shipping her with Ron! Look at her, she’s a white ferret–A WHITE FERRET. It’s so obvious she and Draco belong together. Star-crossed rodents and all that.

  168. I thoroughly enjoyed seeing you at Book Passage Friday. You are not even remotely hobbit-like, except in those circles where being compared to hobbits is a compliment, in which case you radiate hobbitness. I did not have you sign your almost-memoir, not because I get nervous around strangers, but because I know you do, and I did not want to be that nth person in line who made you uncomfortable. Also, because there was a hungry 13-year-old with us, and we had to get her food despite our having fed her on Tuesday.

    Keep calm and carrion. But not in your purse.

  169. *Weasel-y. Booooo spelling errors.

    That said, like all the other people who think you should match her up with Draco, I think you should just get both a Weasel-y and Draco (probably another ethically taxidermied lizard/dragon, just thinkin’ outloud) and have them compete for the cleverest witch’s heart.

  170. Awwwwwwww! Ermione is fricken adorable!!! I am certain you will find Ron soon!!!

  172. Jenny, if you can hold off buying a stuffed Ron Weasley boy weasel to go all Ken-and-Barbie with Ermione Granger, I might be able to arrange for you to have, and to personally stuff the 100 pound Moosedawg, who I just don’t think will make it through the New Zealand winter.

    While he is a bit larger than others in your extended fuzzy family, well, WAY bigger,if you hollowed him out during the taxidermying process, the Moosedawg could BECOME your travel bag.

    Wearing Wolf Blitzer. Carrying a Moosecase? Filled with stuffed weasels and your books?

    How awesome would that be?

  173. Awwww, she’s cute! All she needs is a tiny wand, to keep Hairy Otter in line.

    Your book arrived yesterday — or rather, I remembered to check the mailbox — but I am saving it for my trip next week. Waiting is HARD!

  176. Your book came at a terrifically good time, since I’ve just hit a horrible patch of life and your brilliant book is a wonderful distraction. You are so wonderfully fucked up, I love you. In a platonic, non-creepy way, I mean. It’s nice to kick back in bed with your book, a couple Benedryl, and a Flexeril and then pass out. Thanks for saving a little of my sanity.

  177. My copy arrived on Thursday, I have now completed it. I’m willing to forgive you for having it come out right on the cusp of the end of tax season when I work for a CPA firm and the week before finals while I’m in grad school. Although my grade in Corporate Financial Theory may suffer I figure that’s just your way of keeping me grounded and making sure I don’t get co-opted by the man. Plus who doesn’t need to laugh when they’re under this much pressure? And seriously better to laugh at something than to just start that hysterical laughter that comes out of nowhere and is sometimes accompanied by forgetting how to use pants. To which I know you would say You’re. Welcome. …so thanks!

  178. I love her. But to the important stuff, what were you wearing in your interview? (stupid auto correct keeps typing intervention, I’m sure it doesn’t mean anything) It looked great, super flattering and your arms were covered. I am on a search for clothing that covers the arms, please share!

  182. Love Ermione , but I am forced by my 10 yr old to tell you she is frakie (as in frankenstiens daughter) from monster high…. so now that I have folowed the instructions of a 10 yr old I have to say I finished your book last night and it was amazing… my favorite book of all time…. My husband sat patiently as I read all the passages from your HR chapter then smiles and asked if he could finish watching storage wars.I love him but he just didnt get it…. but I get it and I would like to be your best friend now.

  183. She is SO pretty! I love Ermione – much cuter than Juanita (sorry, Juani). Hard to believe Victor would be surprised. 😉

  184. OMG! I am 90 pages into r
    The book and I have laughed out loud at least 100 times!! My husband keeps asking what is so funny? But I know he doesnt get it

  185. So… If someone has an addiction to taxidermied rodents… and if treatment is ever developed for this condition… and if, additionally, a test is developed to determine whether the recovering addict is staying on the wagon (or is sniffing formaldehyde whenever the opportunity arises)… would that test be called a “taxicology screen”?

  186. OMG OMG OMG…. this is totally unrelated to your post but I HAD to tell you: I just checked my mail AND YOUR BOOK WAS IN MY MAILBOX. Its like Christmas morning for me. I literally just cancelled plans with my boyfriend tonight to read it. I’m so excited I could puke!

  187. I ask because I suspect Victor may want you to start getting those screenings done pretty soon, and if that happens he’ll need to know what test to ask for. 😉

  188. It’s going to take me for freakin EVER to finish your book. And I’m not slow. I had to put the book down last night because by the time I got to Chapter 5 I was crying, but not because of the magic squirrel or the radon…although those are funny in a wow I’m glad I wasn’t drinking radon way. I think I pulled a muscle laughing.

  189. Read the book this weekend – enjoyed it tremendously. Laughed enough that I think it was disturbing to my dog and cat. Will be re-reading again soon. Thanks for writing it!

  192. I’m devastated that despite living in one of your tour stops a.k.a. Round Rock/Austin, I’m not going to be able to make it to Book People on Wednesday. In an unfortunate turn of events it’s my disabilities that will be preventing the surreal opportunity to not only hear my idol speak, but to actually have you sign my book! Not only that, but I was so excited to get out of this house and finally have the chance to mingle and be amongst the like-minded, beautiful, and hilarious women that are your fans. At any rate, I wish you all the best with the rest of your tour, with the success of your book that is sure to be a long standing NY Times best seller, and to finding a perfect Ron for Ermione. Hopefully I’ll at least get to read the juicy details of what I’ll be missing from you and all my fellow Bloggess super fans!

  193. Where did you find Ermione? I just left NYC and although I saw a lot of crazy things, but I did not see a taxidermy shop. Sorry I missed it! Maybe I can put it on my “next time” list!

  197. I wanted to see you on Thursday but the bookstore requires the book to be bought and well I bought it from Amazon as a pre-order and thanks to the publisher umm messing up did not even get that bookplate. But enjoy and have fun. After reading the book I totally get the San Angelo connection, which my oldest brother was born in Big Lake, which is on the other side of San Angelo :). Maybe one day will get your autograph.

  199. Big thanks for book touring in SF! Totally worth the two-hour drive to the City… so I could completely clam up when I got to the front of the line and blurt out, ” I want an Official Red Ryder Carbine-Action Two-Hundred-Shot Range Model Air Rifle!” Actually, that would have been more coherent than “Oh… awesome… you are…” But then you said you liked my pink toucan-with-a-balloon tshirt and I totally lost my shit… in my head, you know, because even by SF standards that would have been unforgivable.

  200. I have had one of the worst days I have had in a long time today. I had a panic attack this morning and spent the day on the couch under a blanket. Your book got me through it. Thank you for having the courage to be you and to write about it all.

  201. I Love Ermione!!!! I got my copy of your book today and haven’t been able to put it down since. I really wish you would come to Georgia (Columbus area) or Alabama (Auburn area) on your book tour I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to meet you I would even share “the good stuff” with you lol….. oh and get my book signed. If you head out this way please announce it on your blog so I don’t miss it!

  202. Thank you for an amazing book! I had not laughed that hard in a LONG time!

  204. please, please post a picture of the tiny travel coffin that Juanita uses. Does Hamlet von Schnitzel have one too?

  206. This is one of the many reasons why I love your blog… I love harry potter so you naming that sweet little ermine Ermione Granger totally made my day!

  207. I. LOVE. YOU.
    You are so darn funny & I CAN NOT WAIT to buy your book(we are budgeting & get paid on Friday but I really want to sneak over to B &Noble & buy it now!!!!). Patience. Plus I will probably read it in a day so I will be all let down when it ends but then start reading it again right away.

    Did I mention you are awesome??? Jenny the Bloggess you are my hero(think Cameron from Ferris Bueller voice).

  208. PS Her dress is so awesome & punk I would totally wear that & I would love to see you & your companions in matching outfits. Totally.

  209. It’s bad enough the kids have plastic cockroaches littered all throughout our house, I can only imagine how may senior citizens would get sent to the ER if we had those things laying around our house as well.

  210. “Most authors don’t forget they had a dead weasel in their suitcase” may be one of my favorite sentences ever. I think it would make a great greeting card caption, or a fortune cookie fortune. (Of course, opinions like these may be what have kept me out of the greeting card caption and fortune cookie fortune writing industry.)

  211. Ok. So my immediate reaction to this article was to Google taxidermied weasels. Amazing! I found two prospective Ron-like ones (red haired) The less expensive one was a little too pensive looking. The very Ron-like other one was DOUBLE THE PRICE! Someone has been reading your blog and inflated the price on Ron-like taxidermied weasels. Not fair.

  212. I want to be a fly on the wall of your house, always and forever. I would probably die laughing before you could ever catch me with the flyswatter. 😀

  213. Oh, and do you sign e copies of your book? Also, the Midwest needs a book signing. Preferably in Cincinnati. Or across the river in Northern Kentucky. Just sayin’.

  214. There are three of us local gal bloggers are planning to descend upon B&N in NW SA tomorrow like… well, Central Texas gal bloggers. Which means that we’re going to eat dinner first nearby (NOT the food court, don’t worry) and probably knock back some iced teas before we head over to see you.

    This is Fiesta week and so we prolly *could* be drinking something stronger, but we anticipate experiencing a lot of awesomeness at your signing and thus want to be sharp as tacks for the experience.

    Seeing as we are all Texas ladies, it would be rude of us not to invite you to come with us–but it would also be fangirl stalker-y to do so.

    Tough call.

    Read into that whatever feels the least creepy.

    Most importantly, welcome to the Texas leg of the tour!

  216. And don’t forget Ermione’s little piggy friend Harry Trotter. Let’s get on that.

  218. Barnes and Noble finally got my pre-ordered book to me and I’m loving it! I just finished reading about the quail/turkeys. Quailurkeys? Anyway, with every page I love you even more!

  219. There is no place like home and we are all aware with it.. Anyway, thanks a lot for the great post here.. This serves as an inspiration to me and to all people here too..

  220. I can’t believe you let Juanita and Copernicus fly in packed luggage!

    When I snapped their pic on Friday night, I assured my FB friends that SURELY you’d packed them in your carry-on, rather than risk theft or damage.

    Now, of course, we need to see the tiny coffin. It’s only fair…YOU brought it up. 🙂

  221. Aw man I was planning to see you in Dallas this Thursday but I just read on the website that I can’t go and get my book signed by you because I didn’t buy/am not going to buy your book at that actual store. And I specifically bought it beforehand so I could read it BEFORE I met you so I could tell you how much I loved it and mean it honestly. I’m bummed out now, I was looking forward to having you sign my copy. I wish I would’ve known.

    In other news though, Ermione Granger is sooo flippin’ cute!!

  222. Now I’m really mad. Amazon tracking says my package was delivered to my post office Saturday morning at 7:00 AM, but the post office staff didn’t put the little note in my box saying to pick up my package. With your book!! Those evil people. Boo.

  223. We’re going to see you Wednesday in Austin. I can hardly wait. Hubby wants me to take my 10 year old son, but I explained that I don’t think you’re G rated. We passed a huge metal chicken on the way home from camping today, and I reminded hubby I want one for our 15th anniversary in Oct. You scare him. Maybe Victor can start a blog for the husbands of your fans that don’t get you (or us either, for that matter). I have my book and bookplate, but I may have to buy another book just to get up close to you. Stupid book people – want us to buy from THEM just so you’ll sign it. Don’t they realize your fans will buy multiple copies, if only to get close to you? DAMN THE MAN!

  224. @Spookie Pookie However Ron Weasley-ish that ebay weasel looks, admittedly so, I like the fact that Jenny goes for the ethically taxidermied critters. That auction mentions nothing about cause of death, plus it’s from Germany. Hmmm…

  225. Won’t you pretty, pretty, pretty please extend your tour and come to Maryland? Or DC, or Pennsylvania, or Delaware, or New Jersery – pretty much anywhere in the Northeast????

  228. You are a niche market unto yourself. I wouldn’t be surprised if you have single-handedly caused an entire industry to rise up – producing taxidermied animals in whimsical costume.

    To whom do they sell, though, if not to you?

  229. Beaumont is not too far away. . . . I wish you could fit us in! I am a middle aged grandmother of many, and I absolutely love you! I recently told my daughter-in-law that for Mothers Day, I want your book!

  231. I admire your increasing taxidermy collection! And yaaay! for another cool person who likes Pullip! I’m a collector myself, and am wondering if you’re also a fan of BJDs or other dolls as well.

    I love when you quote your convos with Victor…you two crack me up and give me a warm fuzzy at the same time. ^_^

  232. After telling myself for weeks that I was not going to buy your book until I read the pile I already have sitting on the shelf, I may have lied to myself. At Target tonight, I went to the book section just to “see if they carried it”…which they do. But then it was 30% and it was like they were paying me to laugh my arse off, so what could I do? Then I ran into a friend who saw the book in my cart and asked me about it. After telling her how funny your blog is and how I anticipate peeing my pants a little while reading it, she then asked me to escort her to the book section to show her where I found it. So, I failed at my promise to myself and yet I feel like a winner. And once again, Target rocks.

  233. We must meet someday,my 50% Wild pig is named Olivia De Javalina! She would be a fine friend to Ermione Granger(who is darling!). Just by the by I stuffed a Weasel myself this week,he is the ferret/Weasel King from Mouse Guard and has been deceased since the 1950s.Once he was the lead Weasel on a ladies coat collar, now he is wired,stuffed and has kingly dignity ;).
    If ever you are in So Cal with time to spare feel free to contact me! We have a mutual friend,Bonnie (Burton) she can vouch for me…what does that say about me? Hhhhmmmmm best not think about that too long. My longtime search is for a really perky,mad eyed squirrel goes on,good luck with finding a ginger Weasel!

  234. Can’t believe you forgot Juanita was in your bag. The stress of a book tour … hee hee! You have ‘the stress of a book tour’

  237. I just LOVE reading about Victor’s reactions to your acquisitions! Your new love is adorable (as adorable as a dead animal can be, anyway). Thank you for helping me end my night with a laugh! Can’t wait to read your book!

  239. I’m loving your book! I keep having to put it down so that I can wipe my eyes and catch my breath.

  240. I love that if you google “taxidermied weasel” your blog is comes up as the first THREE hits.

  243. All I see when I read this is that you need a taxidermy otter named Harry Otter, so she can have a best friend with no romantic entanglements.

  244. I started reading your book this weekend, and it’s making me laugh outloud. It’s amazing!

    I hope Ermoine finds her Weasley soon!

  245. LOVE IT! What is she clasping in her tiny little paws? IS THAT A TIE??? A-FREAKING-DORABLE!

    This just in: rumors are flying about a stuffed Albatross named Albas Dumbledore. Coincidence? I think not. More at 7.

    -The End

  249. oh god, I think I broke my spleen. Your posts need to come with their own national color level of warning. Ermione Granger? cripes I just snorted diet coke out of my nose AGAIN! You, my dear, bring me such levels of happy it’s unreal. thank you for being yourself. and for having a true obsession with dressing small taxidermied critters and helping them talk.

  250. Ok, I am so bummed I can’t come see you at La Cantera, but do you want me to come with all 5 kids? I think not. You’re welcome… 🙂 Enjoy the Texas leg of the tour!!!

  251. Got your book today – can’t wait to read it even though it attacked me as soon as I left the bookstore. You can now add a fun new blurb to your book promoting: “This book will cut you!” Luckily I had Toy Store bandaids in my purse so I didn’t bleed all over it. 😛

  253. I knew there was a reason I shouldn’t read your blog posts while on lunch at work. The four people I share the office with WILL look like I’m bonkers after I bust into laughter at my desk, and will then read your post and not get why it’s funny. Because a lot of academics are profoundly missing a sense of humor. Which is really sad for them.

  254. Jenny… why the HELL is Ermione Granger wearing Ravenclaw colors? I assume she’s ingested some polyjuice potion and is posing as a Ravenclaw for some reason unbeknownst to us, but will all make sense by the end of the story? Because otherwise, this shit is not acceptable.

  257. You are a woman after my own heart! I have three kid-sized dolls that do the blogging for me ~ maybe Juanita can have tea with them some day.

  259. I shared the pictures of Ermione with my son and husband, as well as your comment about Ron Weasley. My son replied that you needed a stuffed otter too…Harry Otter (I’m sure that’s not the first time you’ve heard that, but he’s 10). I am about 400th on waiting list for your book at the library, but now I know what I want for my birthday.

  260. Just FYI…if you google taxidermy weasel, Jenny is most of the first page of results 🙂

  261. I loved your book, read it in two days, and now I miss you! Not in a creapy stalkerish kinda way but in a you wrote a kick ass book kinda way! I can’t wait for the next one!

  263. OMG! That is fucking hilarious! Everytime I go shopping in strange little towns, I am in search of taxidermied vermin now. Thank You

  265. Thank you for writing a blog and – in advance – thank you SO MUCH for writing your book! I got it in the mail a week ago and have been pacing myself with reading it – which isn’t hard, as the ratio of reading to laughing-so-hard-I’m-crying is about 40-60!! THANK YOU FOR BEING YOU!!

  267. After reading this to my husband, he woke up this morning and started randomly naming off Potter Characters… “Severus Snake”, “Harry Otter”, “Ron Weasel”, “DumbleMouse”, & “VoldiMole” because if you find them all. We figured you should put on a rendition of Potter Puppet Pals with your wonderful Ermione Granger. If you don’t know what Potter Puppet Pals is, well… here’s the link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tx1XIm6q4r4 Cause you know, pipe bombs rock.

  268. Ugh, seriously about the Dallas thing on Thursday – I saw Katiebug’s comment above. I bought on Amazon so I’d be able to have it immediately. Then my debit card got replaced so the auto-buy didn’t go through. So I put in a different card. Only that one didn’t work. Then I put in ANOTHER one and that finally worked, and got charged and it’s on its way and everything, and now I won’t be able to have you sign it because I didn’t buy it there. 🙁 Those guys are lame-os. What I do want to know is if they’re even going to let me in!

  274. At the end of that post I threw my fist in the air and screamed, “As GOD AS MY WITNESS, I will find that fucking red headed weasel!” And vowed to do whatever it took.

    But then it took me a long time to scroll all the way down through the comments so that I could comment. And that made me realize that I’m lazy and probably bipolar. And even if I did find the thing, I wouldn’t mail it to you. Because I’m terrible at mailing shit.

    So. It seems as though we’ve reached an impasse.

  275. My 5 year old daughter just asked me, “Mom, now don’t you wish you had a weasel so you could put on a dress?” Asamatteroffact, I DO!

  277. Oh. I’m sorry I gave you jewelry instead of a latex third nipple or sewing a dress for your female orchestra mouse. I’m the lamest fan ever. It’s like I don’t even know you. Wait. Hahahahaha Oh well… Who’d have thought a silver bracelet would make an awkward gift??? XoXo 😉

  279. there is something so wonderfully wrong with you!

    Oddly enough I was just wondering what an ermine looks like.

  280. Oh my gosh! That weasel is super cute!!! The dress is so cute and the little bad a$$ belt and bling! I need to go shopping with you! 😀

  281. Out of curiosity, And perhaps be cause I need one…where do you get tiny travel coffins?

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading