If it's Wednesday this must be Austin

I’m still on tour and I’m in Austin today so come see me if you can! Tour details are right here.  If not, you can just read the continuing chronicles of my best-of series.  This post was from 2009…

Conversation between me and twitter, who is kind of an asshole:

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And that’s the reason why I don’t like twitter.  Because it’s judgemental and it never goes away.  It’s like your junior high boyfriend when you’re all “You hang up the phone first” and he’s all “No, you hang up” and you’re like “No, you hang up” and he probably thinks he’s being all romantic by not hanging up but you really want him to hang up because you have to pee and you don’t want him to hear you peeing.  And that’s basically what twitter is all about.  This is like a tutorial for people who are new to twitter.  You should send new twitterers here so they won’t be all freaked out when twitter starts molesting them because if you’re not expecting it it can be very confusing.  Like getting your first period.  Basically this is the “Are You There God?  It’s me, Margaret” of the twitter world.

PS.  If people try to tell you that twitter doesn’t occasionally talk to you they are lying to you.  Or perhaps they just aren’t observant enough.  Or drunk enough.  I don’t know.  I’m not here to judge those people.  I’m here to help you. You’re welcome.

Comment of the day: Thanks for the mention, poodle-muffin. What are you doing? ~ Twitter

100 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I think I’m sad. Twitter has never stalked me. Maybe I’m doing it wrong.

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Gone Missing....

  2. Not only Twitter, Facebook is all up in your business as well but in a more needy girlfriend/boyfriend way “What’s on your mind?” WO/MAN YOU DON’T NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IN MY HEAD THAT IS MY BRAIN!!!

    Like

  3. Wow. I didn’t realize Twitter talked to people. I hope that isn’t why my husband loves Twitter. He keeps trying to get me to join, but I just don’t want to. I think this post is why. 😉

    Like

  4. WOOOH! Jenny you will be on the morning show that I am on in about 30 minutes. If anyone wants to listen in -you can online http://www.klbjfm.com/dudleyandbob/index.aspx
    I’m more excited about this than I was to meet Jeff Bridges, Oh and I’m getting hypnotized about 10 minutes before so if I do something stupid, that’s why.

    Like

    carissjaded recently posted “Yes and” Sometimes No.

  5. Twitter has ruined me too. I had aspiration to be a wordly author, in the model of Dickens. But after all my stupid tweets, I just write about dicks.

    Like

    Rob R recently posted NEW From Rosetta Stone: Learn to Speak IT GUY in 7 Days!.

  6. Twitter is like porn for social networking addicts.

    Like

  7. My twitter was almost identical to my Facebook, only shorter with more profanity. It was kinda like f*$#ing a small clown with a big dick. Since, I’m a total prude it creeped me out so I cancelled it. More power to ya!

    Like

    Amber recently posted Technology and Communication.

  8. Twitter does have its quirks, doesn’t it? lol… Funny, I wonder if you put this together yourself?

    Like

    Bozo recently posted Town Map.

  9. God, I had forgotten this one. Thank you for making me snort coffee all over my computer. If it breaks down now, I am so totally sending you the bill. Or not. I’m too nice. Or maybe just not as stalkerish as Twitter.

    Like

  10. SO excited to see you tonight! You’ll be gorgeous and hysterical. And by that I mean hysterically funny. ‘Cause the xanax will take care of the hysterics. ; )

    Like

  11. Ha, awesome! Wish I was in Austin!

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted I Have No Depth Perception.

  12. I think Twitter could use a xanax

    Like

    Reneesance recently posted Vintage Cast Iron Green Flower Frog by Reneesance.

  13. I KNEW Twitter wanted to have sex with me. And now it’s not talking to me, but using Brian McKnight to try to teach me how it wants to do it.

    Like

    Arnebya recently posted Wordful Wednesday: Pictures and Sisters.

  14. Ok, so a couple months ago, I signed up for twitter (mostly because I thought I was missing too much of Jenny’s humor by not being there). I haven’t been back since signing up, because I don’t know how the hell it works. I look at it and I’m lost.

    Like

  15. It looks like you were being tweet-trolled by David Thorne.😀

    Like

  16. Love this. I have a very passive-aggressive relationship with Twitter, so I understand exactly how sneaky it can be. Acts like it is your friend, then… *pow* makes you look like an idiot incapable of using proper punctuation.

    Like

    Ally Bean recently posted Christmas In April..

  17. Ah Twitter. It calls to me, in that come-to-me voice that it has, but I have resisted thus far. Like Meg, I’ve registered. Found my friends, followed a few HILARIOUS celebritys and not been back since. I know it’ll get me one day though. And Pinterest probably.

    Like

    weezafish recently posted I'm Wicked and I'm Laaazy.

  18. I’m looking at twitter in a whole new way now. Through squinty, suspicious eyes.

    I just tuned in to this radio show; hope I haven’t missed you!

    Like

    Brenna recently posted The one where I eat some crow.

  19. I have my (your) book !
    Bary makes me read it to him.

    Like

  20. omg. this made my morning. twitter is such an asshole sometimes. who the hell does “it” think it is!?

    Like

    christin recently posted breakfast of champions.

  21. I knew Twitter was a bitch

    Like

    Allyn recently posted Weekend Update: Saturday Morning.

  22. Twitter is my Shawshank Redemption.

    Also, can you just come over to my house and read me your book? The 8-track refuses to play the CD.

    Like

    dumb {squared} recently posted It's not what you think. This is NOT cocaine, officer.

  23. So I’m not the only one who remembers that Judy Blume book?! In the 5th crowd we used to crowd around the back of the classroom reading it on the sly. We actually thought it was erotica hahahaa

    Like

    Holly from 300 Pounds Down recently posted Believe them.

  24. So how many people do you need at a signing to consider coming to a venue?

    Like

  25. I’ve never trusted that Twitter. She definitely reminds me a more than a few ex’s. But I guess that says something about me…

    Like

    Corey Feldman recently posted Filed under TMI, Depression & More Children.

  26. You’ll be in Dallas tomorrow and I’m so sad I can’t be there. The stupid STAAR test is requiring me to remain in school and watch students be bored our of their mind for four hours while they bubble for their academic lives.

    Like

  27. Seriously, I thought *I* was the only one that got harassed by Twitter… We should file a lawsuit for harassment. And possibly defamation of character, what with all the false accusations of clown murder and goat porn. >.>

    Like

    Kat Rowley recently posted Phoning It In.

  28. In my head, you’ll be Poodle-Muffin from now on. Twitter only stalks me after I’ve had a significant intake of vodka.

    Like

    Wendy Roberts recently posted Final Lap.

  29. THANK YOU, Jenny, for saving me from making the HUGE mistake of actually getting a twitter account! (not that I was even thinking about it – I already waste too much time on the internets to try tweeting)… Hallelujah! I’ve learned from YOUR experience!
    🙂

    Like

  30. I totally feel like twitter is judging me for not having anything interesting to say, so I just put something to fill up the little box, then feel even more stupid for what I’d just tweeted.

    Vicious cycle, man. Vicious cycle.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Motherhood and More: Thinking about a third*.

  31. Twitter, where you desperately try to convince people that you are actually doing something productive and not just sitting on twitter…

    I also always hated the later incarnation when it would ask ‘What’s happening?’ -Nothing is happening twitter. My life is dull and lonely. Thanks for the reminder.

    Like

    Caryn recently posted Wrighting Tips.

  32. Weird. Poodle-muffin is my nickname too. I hear it’s also Barack Obama’s nickname. It’s a small and magical world.

    Like

    Melanie recently posted A Tale of Two Sarcastic Rants.

  33. 33
    Digital Diva

    Seriously?!?! Just discovered your blog and am now faced with starting my mornings with mascara streaming down my face. (Not a great look for a teacher, but I guess it could be worse if I were a model or a TV talk show host!)

    I’ll let you know whether reading your posts for a month will get me off my meds. Thanks for the laughs!

    Like

  34. Be careful – Twitter could give you an STD if you’re not careful! (true story)

    Like

    L-Diggitty recently posted a whole lotta nuthin'.

  35. Wow. Your Twitter client is Mister Morden?

    Like

  36. shizzle. damn it that i didn’t read this twitter tutorial before. so many things would have made more sense.

    Like

    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted The Pa-gina Dialogue.

  37. Social media is like a stalking boyfriend who is too needy and you just want to get counseling or break up

    Like

    Pish Posh recently posted U is for Underwear.

  38. Facebook is worse. It always asks us “What is on your mind?”
    Well screw you, Facebook – you aren’t my shrink. I have no obligation to tell you. What’s all this nonsense about the Share button? ‘Sharing is Caring’, eh….

    Like

    Claire J recently posted The Rhein Runs Through It.

  39. This post made my whole day. MY WHOLE DAY!

    Like

    JJ Kearbey recently posted Oh, shit. I forgot I wrote a book..

  40. 40
    Scarlett Angell

    YAY!!! You’re here…You’re here!! I can’t wait to see you! Heard you on the radio this morning via a feed on my office PC. Welcome to A-Town Jenny! (did I put enough exclamation points to convey my excitement?)

    Like

  41. Your tour excludes the Midwest…I don’t know how I will ever forgive you…:p

    Like

  42. Twitter is an addiction like drinking or cocaine or heroine. I have to say that watching the number of followers I have made me a little sad when I lost two in two days.

    They thought I was cool enough to follow and then they stopped. Does that mean I offended them? Did they find my wart and decide EWWW this chick has a wart. Well it doesn’t sing or anything. I feel dejected and unloved now.

    I am going to go eat ice cream.

    Like

    Sweety Darlin recently posted Then she hit him in the DING DING!.

  43. If you murder a clown I will send you money and a cookie

    Like

    Pish Posh recently posted U is for Underwear.

  44. You know that’s what Twitter is really thinking. Of course.

    Like

    Mary recently posted 6th Sense Syrah 2009.

  45. Wish I would have made it to Houston last night… And, I really am glad my current boyfriend is nothing like my jr high boyfriends. Those guys were annoying little twits. Good luck tonight in Austin!

    Like

    Jessica recently posted New Balance Sale!!.

  46. I forgot about this post. Totally made me laugh and interrupt the classroom I’m waiting outside of, but thanks. You brightened my day. I am in Austin but can’t make it to see you.😦 I so wish I could because you are awesome, funny, and gorgeous which is like a triple threat making you more awesome. Anyway, I know it will go great!!

    Like

  47. twitter is a whore… she constantly says she is posting my tweets .. and then doesn’t.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted how to fake being productive.

  48. Yee-haw! Howdy to the Lone Star State!

    Like

    Aging Gal recently posted Is Ignorance Bliss?.

  49. Started reading your book last night and ended up having a whacked-out dream…I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

    (In your defense, I always have weird dreams, but this one was in the “I can’t even describe it” category and there was paranoia and someone stealing my knitting bag, which wasn’t my real knitting bag but it was in the dream and…) (Seriously, not a coincidence).

    Like

  50. On my way to Austin as we speak! Only 7 more hours I can’t wait to meet you!!

    Like

  51. This is why I use TweetDeck. Because it asks me the far less threatening “What’s Happening?” and I can pretend that TweetDeck is secretly Gary Cole from Office Space trapped inside my computer.

    Like

    J. Goodson Dodd recently posted I Met The Bloggess.

  52. I firmly believe that Twitter was invented by Al Quaida as a means of keeping us from being productive members of an industrialized society, thus leaving us vulnerable to attack. I am twitter’s bitch.

    Like

    Jen in Portlandia recently posted Prepping for Doomsday.

  53. 53
    CrazyBoredMommy

    I know, right? Like I need an ap judging me. Back the f off, twitter.

    Like

  54. I actually have a class teaching old people how to use Twitter in five minutes. I think we’ll come here first…

    Like

    Ang recently posted A most likely controversial post on tipping.

  55. I’m pretending I’m out of the country since I can’t actually see you today in Austin.

    Like

    Fran recently posted The Behrs.

  56. I am this close to abandoning twitter. I’ve given it a month. It’s time to go.

    Like

  57. Heard you on Dudley & Bob this morning….you were charming in the best way, and the fetus joke had me on the floor laughing. Was hoping to come see you at Book People tonight but unfortunately cooties are infiltrating my body and making me ill. Boo.

    You rock-
    Emily

    Like

  58. well, poodle-muffin, don’t worry. i am twitter and i can’t hear (maybe🙂, so you just go ahead and pee if you have too …

    lol

    love ya Jenny!

    Like

  59. I must be doing something wrong. My Twitter account has never talked to me, much less stalked me. It usually just ignores me . . . .

    Like

    Stephanie recently posted Cinco de Mayo Countdown - Part One.

  60. Twitter must not like me as much as it likes you. Maybe I don’t post enough, but I am a newbie. I seriously can’t wait to get your book, unfortunately I have to, cause money sucks like that.

    Like

    Jena recently posted A Legend Begins, again..

  61. Facebook is just as bad. It always wants to know where you are and who you’re with. Nosy bitch.

    Like

  62. See, I knew I cancelled my twitter account for a reason. Not to mention the fact that anything that actually has twit in the name cannot be a productive use of our time.

    I just finished the book and loved it! I’m incredibly sad that you aren’t coming to my town for a book signing.

    Like

    sarina recently posted Resistance is futile, and so is voting for the left in Alberta..

  63. I’m so excited to be seeing you at Book People tonight that I have a stabbing pain in my right breast. No, it’s not a heart attack – I pulled out my iPhone during a staff meeting to Google “stabbing pain in breast” to make sure that wasn’t it. (and yes, I typed “breast” during a staff meeting). It wasn’t a heart attack , so all I can think of is that I’m just excited to see you.

    Like

    Zippy recently posted Now the media tells me I'm sick of bacon. And am possibly a man..

  64. Absolute genius! Reminds me of the drive-thru scene in ‘Dude, where’s my car?’ “And thennnnnn..?” rofpmslmao…!

    Like

    Steve Lee recently posted KeithClyde69: Life List, item no.23: Ask Vin Diesel if he gives better mpg than Vin Unleaded.

  65. 65
    Miss Michele

    Trainwreck! That was said with love❤

    Like

  66. I just finished your book this morning and have already passed it on to a co-worker. I cried a little, but smiled more, and definately gaffawed a lot! I thought I love you a ton before, but I love you even more, now. Also, I may have hugged the book a couple of times. Maybe.

    Like

  67. Hey, if you murdered a clown, I’d be way more supportive than that.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted The Return of Bearduardo.

  68. I have just become obsessed with Twitter and now I just say cock penis and tits all day. I’m soooo cold. Hold me.

    Like

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Red Dress Email.

  69. Twitter doesn’t like me. Basically becasue no one cares about my muffins.

    Same thing goes for my blog. Some day I will have fans.

    But for right now I will stick with being yours🙂

    Like

    Nicole recently posted Surpise! It's MY Birthday... the Countdown!.

  70. literally could not stop laughing for 3 full minutes and still giggling with the occasional snort thrown in.
    that right there is the reason i don’t twit.

    Like

  71. Just found out that you are in Austin today… I am going to make the 2 hr drive as soon as I get off work!! Already called and purchased my book… haven’t been so happly lately but your blog has made me smile!! This is my “red dress” adventure, THANK YOU!

    Like

  72. Should I be concerned that Twitter doesn’t talk to me?

    Like

  73. I am not cool enough to have Twitter talk to me. But now I think it may be for the best.

    Like

    Christene recently posted Boot Mystery Solved and I Need A Pedicure.

  74. I clearly am not drunk enough usually.

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted P, Q, R, S - People Quickly Respond with Shit.

  75. Wish I could come to BookPeople tonight but I have a prior commitment I can’t get out of. Actually, I have to pick up my husband at the airport and take him out to dinner for his birthday. I’d rather come see you but I think he might be unhappy about that. I did order a signed copy of your book and can’t wait to pick it up. Knock ’em dead tonight and enjoy your stay in Austin! BTW the squirrel band was at Uncommon Objects, not Uncommon Goods as one reader posted. Really awesome WTF stuff there.

    Like

  76. I have a twitter account and never used it. I just don’t have the time. I have work and then all yalls blogs to read and comment on. Who has time for twitter. Now that I think about it my life really isn’t all that interesting so maybe I could get Twitter stalked. How exciting!! LOL Enjoyed as usual.

    Like

  77. Twitter just called. She said you should allow Copernicus his own Twitter account. I think she wants a hug.

    Like

    Expat-Mom (Sarah) recently posted We don’t dial 9-1-1 in Germany.

  78. I think we need “The Bloggess is my poodle-muffin” t-shirts. Or possibly, “Molested By Twitter Anonymous.” Whatever.

    Like

    Ms Hazard recently posted Expertise: I haz it..

  79. Twitter has never stalked me … I must be doing it wrong!

    Like

    Jae recently posted Reality check.

  80. And that is NOT my blog! WTF?! http://chaosensues.blogspot.com — chaos ensues … Damn comment love!

    Like

    Jae recently posted Reality check.

  81. Now i want to join twitter….

    Like

    jacky recently posted The aisle with the salad dressing..

  82. 83
    Holly (aka Adoreprince)

    Ok, so this is not related to twitter whatsoever, but I had to find some place to share with you that Scrabble just rejected my use of the word “foxen”. The game has also refused to accept several other perfectly good words that I placed, so I am thinking of contacting the game makers to have them include said words in the dictionary. I plan to send them (the game makers) to you for verification of the word “foxen”, unless of course, they are the same game makers from The Hunger Games, in which case I will leave you out of it. You’re welcome.

    Like

  83. I can’t Twitter. It’s too demanding.

    Have a great time in Austin!

    Like

    Bon recently posted Defect Report.

  84. I am LOVING the book, and the pre-order signature plate only looks a teensy bit carpal tunnel-y! You need to come to Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, AZ!! Love you in a totally unstalkerish way!!:)))

    Like

  85. Hahaha! That is epic! I need to use twitter more apparently!

    Like

    Beth recently posted Maybe It DOES Make A Difference?.

  86. Now I just feel bad that I didn’t have a junior high boyfriend, really.

    Like

    JRose recently posted Suffering Magnets.

  87. It is Wednesday and I just got back home after your book signing at Book People. You were fantastic!!! Thank you for taking the time to find my Hamlet Von Schnitzel sandwich amusing. You rocked it tonight!

    Like

  88. Wow, Twitter is HAL.

    Like

    Jeanne recently posted Hot Cross Buns, Gluten-Free (Revamped).

  89. It’s Thursday and you’re in Dallas(-ish)! Yeah! Can’t wait to see you tonight!

    Like

  90. Come to India? Please?? Pretty please?!?!?!

    Like

    Shreya recently posted Hide & Seek.

  91. LOL LOL LOL I never knew twitter could be so fun🙂 … or annoying :S

    Like

    Ozlat recently posted Revitol Rosacea Treatment Cream.

  92. In the wise words of Kelly Clarkson:

    My life would suck without you.

    Like

  93. I hate to be like all jumping on the bandwagon and everything, what with you being a New York Times #1 bestselling author and all, but you are crazy in just the funniest way. Would you be my friend?

    Like

    sheriji recently posted Google+.

  94. I thought I was the only Poodle Muffin? 😦

    Like

  95. Poodle muffins, all though high in fiber I’m sure, must taste just aweful. I wonder if they would be super cumbley and dry? I don’t even think milk would save them.

    Like

  96. absolutely hilarious! too fun not to share! thanks for the giggles😀

    Like

    Shannon recently posted Sleep rules my life.

  97. I was at Bookpeople last night with friends and wanted to tell you how very much I enjoyed the evening. It was one of those happy accidents where I got in a car with friends and ended up somewhere amazing (as opposed to somewhere really, REALLY wrong). I haven’t been writing lately–a fact that so concerned my Dad he bought me a laptop for my birthday so my introverted self could hide away from everybody else to tappity away–but listening to you read and speak about writing jiggled parts of my brain loose. in a good way. My first writing in months probably should NOT have been a dating site bio, but…at least I was writing. Anyway, CONGRATS on the bestseller recognition and thank you, thank you🙂

    Like

  98. Hi Jenny ( I can call you that because I feel like I know you personally, and it also happens to be your name),
    I just bought your book for a friend who has been going through chemo and radiation and will be having surgery next week to remove the rest of the tumor, I couldn’t think of a better way to cheer her up than to read about dead animals in dresses and for that I thank you,
    Jeanette ( now please come to ann arbor so you can sign her book and see where she ripped her stitches reading your ruminations).

    Like

    Jeanette recently posted Look at this Scottish guy.

  99. I think I need to reaquaint myself with Twitter. Or maybe just introduce Twitter to my GPS, Hellan. She just recently received her name when my friend and I drove to Pennsylvania and my friend thought I was yelling too much at the GPS. I kept telling her, “But it doesn’t have ears, so it can’t really hear me”. Now I have to be nice as she has a name.😉

    Like

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