If it's Thursday this must be Dallas

in Random Crap

I’m still on tour and I’m in Dallas today so come see me if you can!  (Tour details are right here.)  If not, you can just read the continuing chronicles of my best-of series.  This post was from 2008…

So yesterday I got a box of body parts in the mail and when I pieced them all together they were a bunch of angry cross-dressers.

I couldn’t make this shit up.

Lego sent me this to celebrate their new line or anniversary or something and I honestly have no idea what the hell to say here except that this pretty much sums up my entire life.  Other bloggers get invited to go on CNN or get free furniture.  I get an angry transvestite army.

Even my kid was like “Fucking-A, this shit is disturbing” except that she’s three so it was more like she picked up the girl/boy and said in a really deep, masculine voice “My name is Lori?” and then looked to me for guidance and I was all “I got nothin’, kid” and Victor couldn’t stop laughing.

And let me just go on record here as saying that I am a HUGE supporter of the transgendered community and I think Eddie Izzard in drag is 10 times hotter than Brad Pitt covered in nougat, but this is just bizarre.  There was not one face in the box that wasn’t the threatening moustachioed dude.

 

PS.  Someone just sent me the lego version of Eddie Izzard’s “cake or death”.  I’m still confused but at least it makes this post slightly more cohesive*.

*No, it really doesn’t really at all.

Update:  So it turns out that this angry moustachioed head is most often used in sets where he plays a patient about to undergo some sort of procedure.  Of course it is.

Also, I got a very nice response from Lego which said ” Each kit was supposed to contain an assortment of random parts; however, it looks like yours somehow consisted only of angry mustache faces.  Please know that this was not at all done intentionally or to freak anyone out in any way.”  I also heard from several other people who got packages from Lego and none of them contained the angry moustachioed man head.  So basically I control the entire market.  It’s a lot like cornering the market on gold, which is enviable and glamorous.  Only switch “gold” with “angry moustachioed heads”, and “enviable and glamorous” with “perplexing and mildly uncomfortable.”

Comment of the day:  It’s like a bunch of tiny Tony Orlandos. ~Missie

164 thoughts on “If it's Thursday this must be Dallas”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. DALLAS! Today mr. amazing called and asked if I wanted to move to dallas!!! (His full intention was to freak me the hell out) I screamed YES!!! The bloggess is there!!! (I heard him roll his eyes over the phone)

  4. I love that they sent an effed up kit to you to blog about to millions of people. That’s hilarious! Only you, Jenny. Only you.

  7. DALLAS! Today mr. amazing called and asked if I wanted to move to dallas!!! (His full intention was to freak me the hell out) I screamed YES!!! The bloggess is there!!! (I heard him roll his eyes over the phone)

    (Reposting because of the weird comment love link that showed up… I swear to god I didnt post that other thing)

  8. It seems only right that if one person were to get them it’d be you. Because you’d share the joy with the world.
    ALmost fell out of my chair laughing at the thought of your daughter doing a man voice.
    Eddie Izzard is a genius.

  9. Lego’s version of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert? …the idea of Lego cleavage just makes me giggle.

  10. Holy crap, I can’t stop laughing! This is fabulous. I don’t care what they say–I think Lego just punk’d you.

  12. Sometimes, I see PE coaches, beat cops, or 60 year-old long haired marijuana burnouts on bicycles, and I think that maybe this world already has too many angry mustache faces. Your delivery of Lego pieces seems to prove my point.

  14. Eddie Izzard is amamzing! I went into a full asthma attack when I was watching his comedy special because I was laughing so much. Your book also had the same effect, btw.

  16. I love that Lego used your own phrasing in their response,
    “consisted only of angry mustache faces.” Way to have a sense of humor, Lego!!!

  18. This is one of my favorite posts ever. I remember sending it to my best friend whose son was as obsessed with Legos as my boys are.

    I am so sad that you are in Dallas today and not tomorrow. I live less than two hours from where you will be. Only my kids have their Spring choir concert at school tonight. I tried valiantly to justify missing it, but I just couldn’t. (Elementary choir concerts…it’s a special kind of Hell.) Have fun tonight in the Metroplex!!

  21. This makes me so jealous. All I’ve been offered is some free banners. I want an angry mustachioed army of trans men. You get all the good shit. Now please let me point you in the direction of some advice that you need to take. Shit, I can’t point. Can you just click down at the bottom please? Where it says Therapy Thursday. Great, thanks a bunch.

  23. I pretty well appreciate a mustache any place I can get one…so…. yeah. That said, I would be forever haunted by the hidden meaning behind such an omen. A brilliant marketing ploy, if you ask me! (which you didn’t….) Well played, Lego, well played! *cue slow methodical clapping*

    P.S. I would quite literally sell my soul to meet you on your tour! Trouble is, I can’t seem to get myself to leave the house. Plus I’m pretty sure I traded my soul a few years back for a cherry coke Slurpee 🙁

  25. Thanks for reposting this! I have seen a majority of your posts (only started reading in early 2011, but work gets boring sometimes and I backtrack on your blog) but I had yet to see this one. it was literally “laugh out loud” funny. thank goodness my bosses office is at the other end of the hall

  26. Why is there a link for “Eddie Izzard in drag” but not one for “Brad Pitt covered in nougat”??? I demand a picture so that I may make the determination for myself! 🙂

  27. Still love it. Hope you’re having fun on your tour and taking lots of deep breaths. You deserve all of this, you funny lady, you.

    (I don’t mean that you deserve all the moustachioed Lego heads. We could probably use a few of those. I think you’re quite selfish to hoard those, actually…)

  28. I love getting to read these older posts!!!
    Have fun in Big D!!

  29. These are so seriously disturbing from the neck up, but made all the more wtf because he/she/it has scoop hands. Thank you for picking “best of” posts, so I can get acquainted with your insanity from days of yore.

  31. Lol, how does this sort of thing happen to you? The Lego men/women are hilarious… wish I had some!

  33. I think this was one of the earliest posts of yours that I ever read & it is still funny. I have a ton of Lego people in the house and not one of them is angry mustachio guy so I am assuming they are still trying to fill their backlog from sending you all the available ones

  35. I may or may not already e at the bookstore.. depending on how much that would just be weird…. I just didn’t want there to be any way that this was NOT going to happen.

    Hope you have a safe trip to the bookstore!

  37. That was hilarious, but on to more important things: I am in Dallas but I can’t come to your book signing, which makes me very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very sad. Actually even sadder but I got tired of typing “very.” Probably because the sadness is making me tired. But yet I still have to work. Life is just sad today for some of us, and no amount of angry mustachioed Lego transvestites can make up for it.

    Ok maybe a little.

  39. Hmm well considering how often that mustachioed face gets used on surgery patients, maybe these guys belong to some “Waiting Room at an SRS Clinic” set.

  40. Ask the Lego people to create Hamlet von Schnitzel, Copernicus and Beyonce for you. My kids would so love that. Well, I would love that. They wouldn’t know what to do with all that awesomeness.

    Also, when you come to South Florida, I may be coming as a Beyonce zombie. Probably not, since Carl says that’s dumb. But I never listen to him. So see you soon.

  41. I know you are in a whirlwind, but when you recover check out the red dresses going out to three fabulous ladies who are WORTH IT !! That you for letting me do this, it thrills me to my toes. X

  42. I’m torn between being excited and being horribly sad. Yay, you’re in my city! Boo…I won’t be able to be there. My anxiety doesn’t do well with crowds when I’m on my own, and Himself has previous plans. 🙁

    I hope you have fun!

    Oh, and you’d mentioned cheesecake eggrolls in a blog interview. Taco Bueno actually has cheesecake chimichangas, which is incredibly close to being the same thing. And they are tastier than fast food has a right to be. 🙂

  44. There are only two times I want to be back in the states (I’m now in the UK). Your book signing and KatieCon.

  45. How in the world did I miss this post before? It’s amazing, and now I want my children to have a Lego transvestite army.
    Also, my friend Jesse will be seeing you in Dallas tonight, and you must promise to be extra mean to her for me (but not really) because she only recently moved away from me to be in Dallas, and she still must pay. But nicely. Because I still like her, of course. Even if she moved to Texas.

  46. My seven-year-old was looking over my shoulder as I read this and said to me, only seeing the pictures, “Are you buying those for me? Because I do not want them.” Ha!

  47. You know it is like you have your own chinese army of cross dressing angry mustache men! Maybe one day they will come alive and march to your defense. Of course they may become zombies too and try to eat your brains.

    Oh god if you still have them destroy them they might eat your brains and that is a valuable asset to the world!

  49. Oh my god, Lego’s response was hysterical! I have to believe that an entire box of angry mustache faces has to be a sign of good luck.

  50. I am sad. I looked at the event details, and you have to buy the book from A Real Bookstore in order to get anything signed. My best friend and I were hoping that you would sign her transvestite dinosaur. We named him Eddie Lizzard the Transvestisaurus Rex. I preordered my book from B&N. I love it. I have gotten some strange looks as I laugh out loud, but oh well. Thank you.

  51. Ordered my signed copy from Book People. Am currently in the throes of deep depression because I’m sick in bed (thanks to my husband’s position at “The Microbe Factory”, read: University), which gives me some very rare time to read, but it has occurred to me I forgot to utter the words “Fed Ex.” Even a transexualized Lego peep can’t cheer me up so obviously I am approaching the edge of becoming suicidal, or possibly homicidal as hubby needs to pay. Either way, someone needs to die.

  52. Oh gawd, I remember reading this “back in the day” and the “My name is Lori?” makes me cry-laff every time.

  55. Am I the only person that missed that these posts were recaps and then freaked out for a whole twenty minutes thinking that I’d somehow traveled back and time and didn’t know about it because my memories were all messed up?

    Answer: Probably.

  56. If Lego men were bigger I would say that this is the start of a horror movie in which the Lego men come alive and you wake up to them standing around your bed and holding weapons intent on murdering everyone in the house as part of some twisted Lego revenge.

  58. I won’t be at your appearance tonight, because it’s only April and I’ve already used up all the fun I’m allowed to have in a year. Apparently. :/ I hope you have a fabulous turnout!

  60. My son, who has no lego people and wants them terribly, but I prefer to hold out and torture him just for kicks, would probably have a blast playing with those strangely transvestite-ish people.

  63. So, I kind of got myself all worked up over coming to see you tonight, to the point that I was having minor panic attacks and thinking I probably couldn’t handle it and should probably just go home after work. Luckily, my coworker (who was also getting overwhelmed by the sheer THOUGHT of your awesomeness and had previously decided not to accompany me) changed her mind and we’ll now both be neurotic messes together waiting for you to sign god only knows what. Can’t wait.

  64. If you are unhappy with your mustachioed transvestites, I will gladly take them off your hands. I live in Baltimore, and I’m sure they’d feel quite at home here. Maybe I can start stalking John Waters and get them a part in his next movie.

  69. I wish I lived in your world. Nothing funny like this ever happens to me. Great post, Jenny!

  70. ha did you catch your foreshadowing about other bloggers being asked to go on CNN?!?! Huh, huh, and then you got invited to go on CNN?!?! You just had to prove you could put the crossdressing Lego puzzle together first, it’s like a weird ass Indiana Jones puzzle but instead of knowing how to spell Jesus in Aramaic and jump on stones you had to….well, you had to play with disturbing Lego’s….totally worth it…

  71. You can blame me for the angry mustache faces. I packed the boxes…right after staring at Juanita and Copernicus. Guess they must have made an impression upon me.

  73. Damn, how I wish you could come closer. No, seriously, come closer. I vant to bite your neck. OK that was creepy. And funny. Well, it was funnily creepy to me because I had a visual of your hesitation but then relent and well I’ll stop typing.

  76. I think Lego missed a marketing opportunity. Somewhere there’s an angry moustachiod transvestite community in need of representation. You may indeed have found gold.

  78. Oh Jenny, you’re going to be only minutes away from me tonight, but I’m too “shy” to come out and visit. Hope you have lots and lots of fun!

  81. I literally laughed so hard reading this I may have peed myself a little. Though, I’m pregnant.. so I don’t know if that counts for much. But seriously, HAHAHAHAHAHAHHA AHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH is how I feel about this.

  82. When you said “transvestite army” my first thought was Eddie Izzard! the Cake or Death Lego video was brilliant!

  86. Okay, I was gonna comment on your last post but it literally has so many comments my phone can’t load the page. So I’m saying it here, where it makes less sense.

    Cogratulations! My husband and I leave for Hawaii next week, and we’re each buying one new book for the trip. I’m definitely getting yours, and I can’t wait!

  87. You could make a FORTUNE off of these… I mean… Somewhere out there, there are angry, headless lego bodies with suspenders and pocket protectors just waiting to be complete. Hence fufilling The Prophecy.

    What Prophecy, you ask?

    Well… I guess now we’ll never know. You’ve either saved the world or DAMNED US ALL TO A LIFE OF SERVITUDE TO ANGRY HEADLESS LEGO PIECES.

    I’m guessing the latter, since I just know how my luck goes. ;o)

  88. I work part-time in a LEGO Store. IIRC, the mustachioed heads are also used for some policemen. They’ve recently appeared in the stock for our store’s Build-A-Mini station, so should be available in those of other LEGO stores as well. OTOH, I don’t recognize the pink sequined dresses. Pink skin instead of the traditional yellow means it’s a minifigure from a licensed property, but I’ve no idea which one.

  89. I would love to come, but I pre-ordered the book and well the book store wants you to buy a new one to see you, but good news is Penguin finally is sending me my signed book plate that umm someone accidently teased me by sending me a blank enevelope a few weeks ago. But enjoy and if you can shop at the outlet stores across the street, tell Victor I sent you 🙂

  90. Those angry men look like they just lost the ice skating compitition at the Olympics. To what’s her name who clubs people.

  92. OMG…I want a Lego Tranny in a pink dress for my desk at work!! Could you imagine the look on my clients’ faces when I explain what it is?!?!?! ROFL!!!!

  93. You being on this tour demonstrates how incredibly awesome you are. My friends and I have been talking and are in absolute AWE that you’re able to do this. Great job!

    And now…you have an army of angry Legos. Maybe they’re all angry because their little skirts are only on the front.

  95. Knock three times on the ceiling, Motherfucker.

    (It only took me four years to come up with that comment. Not bad for a woman without a head injury to blame.)

  96. I read my Lego loving kid this post (edited for content, of course) and he said “HA! That reminds me of when we used to live in Ohio.” Uhh…..

  99. Congratulations! It’s probably because I totally told people on my blog to go buy the book and like all three of my readers did! (Ok, so one of them was me, but I still paid the $45 for the hard cover book, so that counts, right?)

  101. I might be slightly miffed at you. I’m TRYING to read your book but have to keep stopping because I’m laughing so hard I’m crying, and then I can’t see the pages. Then my husband comes in and takes the book away to see what has me laughing so hysterical and he’s a very slow reader due to dyslexia. So it’s hard to read. But I love you and told everyone I know to get your book.

  102. I see your updates and (1) hilarious, (2) I think about your anxiety issues and how we’re all a part of it now (3) I appreciate how open you were in your book.

  103. I can’t wait to hear how your meeting with Laura-filing-jointly-finally went today! You two were destined to meet 🙂

  104. Congratulations on #1!!! I so wish I could be there tonight…but I have a really nasty cold and didn’t think you’d appreciate me sharing my germs with you! Maybe you’ll do this book signing thing again in North Texas somewhere!!!

  106. That’s hilarious. Maybe their trying to tell you something like…it’s not the face, but the outfit you wear with it that makes the man. Hmmm. I’ll think on that one. Good luck on the tour. The Angry Lego Man is just one of the first steps towards CNN coverage!!!

  107. I was so excited about you coming to north Texas that I went and got bronchitis and now I don’t want to give you the killer version of the common cold, so dammit, I’m at home on my couch. Anyway, congratulations about hitting #1 on the best sellers list! You deserve it!

  108. How do you get lucky enough to get free Legos with or without angry faces! Also I love that they look like their either gymnasts or ice skaters. Lego People for the Olympics Y’ALL!

    On another note tonight I am getting barbacue from the Dallas Airport via my mom coming to viist me. So I’m pretending that you are coming over to enjoy it with me…since you’re in Dallas right now…I’m not actually creepy. Just so you know!

  109. What in the hell is sending mustachioed cross-dressing lego people to a quirky, taxidermy-loving, anxiety-busting, flagrant-sex-and-swearing-goddess blogger mommy going to do for the lego company?? I’m trying to wrap my head around what they were hoping you would do for them in exchange for this bizarre (albeit politically-correct and forward-thinking) gift?

    Anyway, this is my favorite Eddie Izzard bit, also in lego: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hYeFcSq7Mxg&feature=relmfu

  110. this is going to be one of those mistakes that becomes the perfect happy accident. y’know, like chocolate chip cookies.

  113. I just started reading your book-recommended by a friend. My husband thought I was having a convulsion last night in bed because I was trying to keep from laughing out loud (because he was asleep) but the bed was shaking so much from my “contained” laughter that the glass of water on the bedside table crashed to the floor.

  114. I have been waiting for this post to be republished!! THANK YOU! It cracks me up every time (& I have gone back to read it probably a dozen times.) Me = 😀

  116. Pleaseohpleaseohplease be reading this. My best friends birthday is in two weeks. We give each other fabulous, thoughtful, fun gifts every year and this year I.HAVE.NOTHING.
    She is a lego freak (half of our apartment was plastic rolling cubby things full of legos ( separated by color and size and god forgive you if you f&*^ed it up) and would kill for one of these. She makes lego mosiacs, lego chess sets, lego everythings and I am begging you ( and will send postage ) to get a transvestite lego man/woman to give her for her birthday. I’ll do anything (within reason) (and I’m a bit off, so within reason for me is WAY unreasonable for most people) Please send me a lego tranny to cement me in the best gift giver hall of fame!!!

    check out her page while you’re at it rebeccasbricks.com

  117. i have your book! my boyfriend got it for me at your signing in NYC. because he didn’t give you a name to sign it to, you asked him if he was going to sell it on ebay. he did not : ) thanks!

  118. Nothing about those heads makes me think “About to undergo medical procedure”, but those strange, angry, little shmans make me feel like having a disco themed rodeo hosted by Burt Reynolds.

  121. This was new to me. I may have snorted out very expensive red wine. And peed myself a little. The peeing (and the need for alcohol) were a direct result from squirting out a kid.

    Which is great, because I totally get to legitimately play with Legos again. Without looking too crazy And now I want to buy these.

  122. It’s like fate, and all the gods combined, AND mother nature herself, and possibly the moon goddess…. have all collaborated together, to make sure the WEIRDEST possible things are going to happen to you.
    I am SO jealous!

    P.S.
    Those videos are totally epic and I can’t believe I’ve never seen them before! Thanks for sharing those! <3

  124. YAY for your Dallas stop! I was so excited to meet you! I think it is awesome that you’re doing this tour, I know all that signing and smiling and crowds of crazy people has to get a bit tough to take at times. So, I have to ask, was this the most eventful book signing so far?

  125. I just got home from the Dallas signing. Jenny was great and my Jennifer (my daughter) went with me. Everyone was laughing so hard that I missed hearing some of the utterly fantastic things that Jenny said.

  128. I was at the Dallas signing tonight and it was awesome! No one else could yell “I’ve got diarrhea!” in a packed store and get riotous applause.
    One the way home I stopped for gas and read this post on my phone. I had to stop because I was laughing so hard I started coughing. It would be truly bad form to die and ruin all the good vibes.
    Thanks for writing this wonderful book and for coming out to visit all your adoring fans! And for inspiring all of us weirdos to keep on going.

  129. Hi there Jenny,
    I also saw youin Dallas and it is now 3:04 A.M. and I just finished your book. I am SO going to suck here in about 4 hours. Well worth it, though. Have a good trip home and a good rest of your tour. From your frank, honest words, I think anyone can tell how hard it can be for you to sometimes stand in front of all of us and be you. I hope you can derive a little confort in the fact that at least this croud gets you, as much as you can share. Best of luck and a “Hi” to your people and hang in there, when you can.
    Dave

  130. Late to this but really love this. It’s like Lego unintentionally undermined their new “Girl” Legos. Maybe some of them could eventually end up on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

  131. Because so many children, who play with legos, pretend their lego person is a patient about to undergo some sort of procedure. That makes complete sense.

  132. Omg. This “best of The Bloggess” thing should be re-named Best Stuff On The Internet Ever. Because that’s what it is. I am at work and this post made me laugh so hard that for a second I thought I was going to lose my job because people heard me laughing really loud and they were going to come and see what I was laughing at and either I told them the truth and got in trouble for looking at your blog at work or I would lie and say “nothing” and they would think I was insane and commit me.

    And then I remembered that no one pays attention to me anyway so they probably didn’t hear me. So….yay, job security?

  133. Ahahahaha. That’s too good.

    Hope you enjoyed my hometown! I wish you’d come to DC so I could have been to a reading.

  134. Well, that was something. I was the wasted girl who passed out on the toilet, and in case anyone was wondering I am okay. I do keep finding random bruises, and I completely missed my chance to meet Jenny, but physically I’m okay. What a night!

  135. A lot of the lego guys/gals at our house end up looking that way anyway. Actually, we usually end up with something like Lego Spongebob’s body with Lego Darth Vader’s head. At least they didn’t send you a set of Darth Spongebobs. Those are REALLY disturbing.

  136. My son accidentally did this at the Lego store once, we still can’t talk about it in front of him.

  137. I’m a new reader and I have to say that I’m super glad you’re on tour because otherwise, it would have taken months to find some of the most hilarious posts I’ve ever read. Thank you – I can now skip the gym today because every muscle in my body had a work out from simultaneously trying to: hold my laughter (I’m at work); not fall out of my chair; control my bladder; and prevent the water I just sipped from spewing from my nose.

  141. Can’t stop crying laughing so hard!

    Seriously. My husband is a HUGE Lego fan. He has the sets still that he started getting in 1978 (including sets straight from his grandma in Denmark) he was an nly child so his lego guys were like his friends. Now we are 35 and i have an entire room in my house filled with bricks, guys, plates etc. (Side note: he gets really mad at me when i call them the wrong name like a “2 long” instead of the “correct” name “2×4”, so now I do it just to piss him off when he makes me mad).

    Anyways, he does not have anything like one of these guys. I would seriously like to buy one of these charming fellas from you. I am thinking it would make a fabulous fathers day gift for him. If you would be willing to part with one of these sexy guys please please let me know. I as it I have one Lego lady (I named her laquisha) & I like to take pics of her doing goofy things and in compromising scandal pics. This fella would spice up her world.

  142. I’m on pain pills, and this is so freaking hilarious and perfect for you that I’m laughing really hard, silently. Because IRL laughing hurts my stomach.
    And the pain pills are telling me to buy your book on my Kindle.
    Ok.

  143. I am laughing far too hard to even come up with anything remotely of value but seriously, only you would get the one box that was meant to be divided across 50 others. If you got a standard mix what on earth would there be to blog about… never mind, forget I even asked that. If you haven’t see the lego version of Izzard’s ‘Death star canteen’ you must watch that as well – hysterical.

  144. My husband, who outzeals our 8 and 10yos in his love of all things Lego, wants to know how he could get his hands on one of your figures. 🙂 He also yearns for an angry mustache of his own, but sadly, his wife has kaiboshed each of his efforts.

  147. Bahaha… I love that YOU of all people would get the world’s supply of moustache heads with the sparkly cleavage bodies! It wouldn’t have been as funny if they were sent to anyone else, as now we all get a laugh from it!

    Maybe you should take a collection to try and get these gals/guys some gender reassignment procedures…

  151. These legos (or is lego the plural of itself) made me think of the lego music video of “We like them girls” totally right up your alley (I think).
    Here’s a link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wpm3J_8LJ4
    My best friend saw it on her fiance’s video history and checked it out- she kept singing “we like them girls with functioning viginas”. I kept wondering what the hell was wrong with her, then she showed me and now I’ve shown a bunch of people. I’ve even had a t-shirt made for my gay future husband with screen shots from this video. You must watch it. So FUNNY!

  152. I just finished the last page of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened – yes, and read it even during the MNINB crush. First, I adore the cover, adore it, adore it. It was hilarious, and I found myself envying the abandoned warrens of your fertile mind – oh the nooks, the hills, the valleys and the crannies. It was hilarious. I found myself reading it at midnight and think my first laugh-out-loud was way before the folded vagina, but that got me. I had a pug dog too, and Puggy (good name for a writer’s dog) looks just like yours, your Barnaby Jones Pickles. Puggy died from a lard overdose from Anna, my mother-in-law’s, cookies. He is a minor cult hero in my writing world. I adored all the creatures and guffawed at the metal chicken at the door, you had me on James Garfield, but you got me for life with Hamlet von Schnitzel.

    Keep going – thanks for the laughter, I adore the way your mind works; have a glorious book tour and life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  154. my husband, the Lego Junkie, would like to know where to sign up for a box of random mustache faces and pink glittery dresses. Or for any free legos at all?

    Izzy

  155. Lego’s are the best! Or is it: Lego are the best? Lego is the best? Is Lego’s the plural form of Lego, or is it like Moose and Moose and squirrel and squirrels? I’m confused now.

    -The End

  156. The real question here is, Where do I sign up to get a big bag of random Lego people pieces?

  157. Okay, that is hilarious. The Tony Orlando comment was priceless. I guess my question is what were you supposed to DO with them? There was no disco ball or glow sticks. There were no fabulous shoes to go with those outfits. AND there wasn’t ONE, not ONE therapy couch for any of them. Totally lame, Lego.

    P.S. Did you also ask Lego to send a check for your child’s new therapy sessions? 😉

    Glad you reposted this! What a hoot!

  158. This was one of the first posts I read of yours! Ah, nostalgia. Love your blog, loving your book. You’re great!

  159. I read this post a long time ago (not quite as long as 2009, but when I was going through your archives) and it was delightful to read again. Which I did, when it was posted, and I was too lazy to comment. Taking care of that now!
    Love your posts. Not just saying that. I promise. That last sentence wasn’t a lie. The last one was. Maybe.

  160. Your blog needs a thumbs up option for the comments section, so you and everyone else can “like/thumbs up” individual comments. Let’s face it, we don’t need a dislike/thumbs down option only because no one cares if a comment sucks, people only care for validation when they like something and they can see that 200 other people liked it also. (I’m a sheep, I know) Blame (or thank, your choice) Wil Wheaton, if it wasn’t for him I would have never found you.

  161. I want to sign up for free legos.. where do I get some? PS -loved the blog! HILARIOUS

  162. So, I “read” this to my 11 year old Lego Lover when he was home sick. He laughed and laughed. When we were finished, he said, “But seriously Mom, those Angry Moustache Man heads are quite rare.” I said, “Yes, that is because SHE owns them ALL.” We laughed. Note from me: You could go on Amazon or Ebay and SELL those heads. So, maybe, just maybe Lego was giving you a HUGE gift when they sent you all those heads. Mmmhmmm. There comes a frenzy when Lego is out of something. Maybe there is market for Lego Angry Moustachioed Man heads out there. I’d check it out. Of course, how many people can say they have a Transgendered Moustachioed Man Army? Only one that I know of. I wouldn’t be able to let go of it – if I were you. Just sayin’…

  163. Thank you for this. I’ve had an awful week and I’ve been reading and crying and catching up on your blog, and by the time I got to the last paragraph of this post, I actually snorted.

  164. So I may be a little late on this comment. My wife just recently discovered TheBloggess, so naturally I’m now re-reading the entire site to catch up on stuff I missed when I got out of the habit of reading it (for no good reason at all), and to be able to more readily respond to her texts and calls of “did you read the post about……”. She no longer needs to specify what site ‘the post’ is on. It’s a given now.

    Which brings me to my point: “Angry Transvestite Army” is the name of my KISS cover band.

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Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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