I’m still on tour and I’m in San Francisco today so come see me if you can! (Tour details are right here.) If not, you can just read the continuing chronicles of my best-of series. This post was from back in 2009…
I was just telling my friend (Kregg) that they should sell clarifying toilet paper. Because (just like how once a year you’re supposed to use a clarifying shampoo to strip all the excess conditioner and shit out of your hair) there should be some kind of gritty toilet paper you use once a year to strip all your junk of all the lotions and chemicals in toilet paper and then Kregg was all “Yeah, I don’t think I’d use anything that would ‘strip my junk’ but maybe that’s something that would be appealing for you girls since you have to use toilet paper so much. I mean, I can’t even fathom how much you girls have to wipe because we men only have to wipe when we poop” and he said it in this condescending way like he was totally better than me just because he didn’t have to wipe as much and I was all “”Well, just imagine what bears must think of you” and he was all “Um…what?” and I explained that it’s just a matter of perspective because if bears could talk they’d be all “Really? You wipe your butt every time you poop?! That’s fucked up.” And Kregg was all “Yeah…that is fucked up” but I’m not sure he was talking about the bears.
I also came up with another idea to re-purpose used breast-pumps to suck dead kittens inside out because then…TA DA!…fur-lined mittens for homeless people. I told Kregg about it and he was all “That’s…weird” and I’m all “It’s weird that no one’s ever thought of it before. Because no one wants dead kittens or used breast-pumps so this way we’d be keeping them both out of the landfills and helping the homeless. I’m like the Thomas Edison of dead cats. It’s practically carbon zero!” Then Kregg mentioned something about PETA and firebombs and I was all ”I’d only use kittens that were already dead from non-communicable diseases, Kregg. I wouldn’t just go around haphazardly turning live kittens inside out. I’m not a monster, for God’s sake” and frankly I’m a little insulted I even had to clarify that. I’m doing this to help the homeless. Not for my own personal kitten-mitten collection. We live in Texas, y’all. I don’t even need mittens.
Comment of the day: I wouldn’t exactly call you the Thomas Edison because he invented lots of shit and you really only came up with one use for a dead cat. You’re more like a George Edward Alcorn of dead cats. ~ ShallowGal