If it's Thursday this must be North Carolina

Once again, I’m on tour so and today I’m in North Carolina.  Please come see me?  Pretty please?

And while I’m gone I am completely phoning it in by reliving some of my favorite old posts.  In other words…reruns.  But good reruns.  So for today a little something from 5 years ago:

Phone conversation with my husband while he was out of town:

Victor: Hello?

Me: The snow cone machine is broken.

Victor: How the hell did you break the snow cone machine?  I just left this morning.

Me: I didn’t break it.  It just stopped working.  I’m getting on twitter and calling for a boycott on snow cone machines.

Victor: How is that going to help? Most people don’t even have snow cone machines.

Me: I’m just so pissed off right now.  There should be a diagnostic thing on the snow cone machine like Onstar, so it can tell me when it’s about to break.

Victor: That’s not how Onstar works.

Me: It’d be all “I’m your snow cone machine.  I’m gonna break tomorrow because I suck.  Don’t get your mouth all ready for a snow cone or anything because I’m unreliable.

Victor: Please stop breaking things in our house.

Me: DIDN’T BREAK IT.  I’ve spent the last hour trying to fix it.  I thought maybe an ice cube was stuck in it so I stuck a knife in the gears to feel around and then the knife got stuck and then I was afraid the knife would break off in there and then when it finally turned on a knife-blade would shoot out and kill one of us but then I got the knife to come out eventually so no worries on that.  Problem solved. Except that the snow cone machine still won’t work and now two of our knives are bent.

Victor: Why are two knives bent?

Me: I had to use one as a lever to pull out the other one.  I’m like McGuyver, with knives.

Victor: Are you doing this to me on purpose so I don’t leave you alone anymore?

Me: Don’t be ridiculous.  If I was doing this on purpose I’d break something I don’t actually need.  Like the oven.

4 hours later:

Victor: Hello?

Me: Good news! The snow cone machine works.

Victor: Oh yeah?

Me: Yeah.  Turns out all the outlets in the kitchen stopped working.

Victor: Huh.  That’s…not really good news.

Me: I know, right?  I have to take the snow cone machine into the bedroom to make snow cones.  It’s like we’re living in the fucking wilderness.

Victor: No, dumb-ass.  I mean, it’s not good news that none of the outlets in the kitchen work.  Is the refrigerator running?

Me: I’m not falling for that.

Victor: It’s not a fucking joke. The fridge is in the kitchen with the outlets that don’t work, right?  Is it still working?

Me: Oh.  Yeah.  That’s where I’m getting the ice for the snow cones.  But none of the other plugs work.   But you know,actually? It’s kind of nice having a snow cone machine in the bedroom.  We should probably get two.  One for the kitchen and one for the bedroom.  We’ll be like rap stars.  Except instead of stripper poles we have snow cone machines.

Victor: Don’t call me anymore.

Epilogue: Turns out the GFCI outlets were overloaded and Victor had to reset them when he got home and he acted like he was all amazing for being able to fix them but turns out all you had to do was just push a button. could have pushed a button if you’d just told me to push a button but no, I had to live with a snow cone machine and a blender in the bedroom for three days because Victor wanted to be a hero.  Whatever. The point is that we have a snow cone machine.  In the bedroom.  That’s how you know we’re successful.

Disclaimer: To be completely honest, the only reason we even have a snow cone machine is because I wanted one of those refrigerators that has an ice-maker in the door but we couldn’t afford it and so Victor bought a snow cone machine to distract me.  It’s totally kick-ass.  And it comes with its own foot-pedal in case you get tired of pushing a button for your snow cones.  Because it’s exhausting making snow cones, apparently.  So yeah.  I can make snow cones just by leaning.  I’m kind of a bad-ass.

Comment of the day: I had this Snoopy snow cone machine as a kid…you stuck ice cubes in the roof and then pushed on Snoopy’s ass to hold the ice cubes in while turning this hand crank on the side of the dog house to shred the ice cube.  It took fifty ice cubes to get like, one cup of “flakes” and by the time you even GOT to that point, the first ice cube flakes melted. So you just kept cranking the damn handle until you had blisters and a cup of water. I think my mom bought it to make me crazy. I hated that stupid Snoopy snow cone maker. More like a glorified water fountain. ~ Jessica

 

157 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I’m up early, GIDDY with excitement!!!!!

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    Karen Sanders recently posted A Meeting of the Minds.

  2. Yay the east coast! You keep getting closer and closer to me…

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    Mayor Gia recently posted Hey you know what’s hard? Packing..

  3. I envy your snow cone machine. And the people who are close enough to be able to go see you! Have a great day!

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    Jaime recently posted Anybody know how to get Vaseline out of hair?.

  4. I’m surprised that Victor ever leaves the house anymore. Anything that happens when he’s gone is clearly his own fault.

    Like

  5. We have a spongebob snow cone machine… but its a cheap one that you turn a handle and it shaves ice. All the blades are exposed. Looks like a tunnel of death. FYI… Don’t put your finger in there. It hurts.

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    Valerie recently posted Tales from The Road (with a badass battle axe in the trunk).

  6. Snow cone machine in the bedroom does seem like a clear sign of success, but the combination of snow cone machine and blender is looking a bit showy.

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    Korinthia Klein recently posted Mother's Day and Movies.

  7. Finally you are in NC! Yay! My sister and I are coming out tonight to see you.

    Like

    Mandi recently posted 5k - Done!.

  8. I’m definitely coming to see you! And I’m bringing a surprise! 🙂 (It’s a good surprise, don’t worry. Nothing died, ethically or otherwise, to create this item.)

    Like

  9. I think you should have a sno-cone machine AND a stripper pool in your bedroom. Then you could go all Fifty Shades of Sno-Cone on Victor’s ass and he wouldn’t know what hit him.

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    Anne Kimball recently posted MOMumental - A Book Review.

  10. Wow. I’ve been reading this blog for FIVE years! I remember this post. I loved it.
    I generally have a giant container of chocolate sauce in my fridge door. Like, Sam’s size. I’ll drink out of it. I rock it like that.

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    Karin recently posted Day 44.

  11. I want a snow cone machine in my bedroom! I want one in every room in the house – except the kitchen. No fun to have one in the kitchen. You guys, once again, are awesome.

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    Lady in Red recently posted *.

  12. Now I want a snow cone machine in the bedroom.

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    Kathleen recently posted We're All Starving.

  13. Man, with the success of the book, you guys are gonna be able to have, like FIVE snow cone machines.

    Snow cone machine in the bathroom???? Why, you must be a best-selling author!

    Yeah, then you know you’ve ARRIVED.

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    Robin recently posted Wednesday Is In The Air, And So Are The Ironic Mustaches.

  14. I would rather have a snow cone machine than a stripper pole. Mainly because a girlfriend of mine took a pole-dancing class and her knees are a DISASTER. Strippers beat the shit out of themselves. So stripper pole = fucked up knees and snow cones = pure happiness. No contest.

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    Michelle recently posted Why the Nice Guy Doesn't Deserve the Girl.

  15. I would totally come see you today, but since I live in NC, I dont think my tractor will make it there.

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    Rob R recently posted 9 Signs the Universe is F*cking with You.

  16. Why didn’t I think of a snow cone machine? Every time we move, no ice maker in the fridge. I am so going to Target – right NOW!

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    Denise Malloy recently posted Breaking the Law.

  17. New shirt needed in your Uncut Heroin shop:

    “I’m like MacGuyver with knives”

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    Anna Nonamus recently posted Teen Drivers.

  18. The students are disturbed by their cackling librarian. Oh, how I love your blog! I’m going to read your book tonight and then my boyfriend will be disturbed by my cackling as well.

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    niclib recently posted Really Incredible Reads.

  19. Woot to the wootywoot! I’m so excited, and I just can’t hide it…. I know, I know, I know…. I want you, want you. {to sign my book that is. and take a picture with me. and impart your bloggess-y-ness via touch. No, not inappropriately, of course. I mean, unless you’re down with that. But we are in NC; otherwise I would totally wife you. If you wanted. Or not. Or maybe you and Victor will decide to adopt me. Even though I’m almost 30. I’m petite, so I can pass for a kid. Probably.}

    Like

  20. Huh. I want to be successful so I too can have a snow cone machine.

    Also? I think I had that Snoopy one when I was a kid.

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    Suzan Butler recently posted ROW80: Slow but steady wins the race.

  21. 21
    Beth_Ailis

    Thanks so much for coming to Atlanta! What a fun time. HUGE crowd. Must be a double-edged sword having a huge crowd of fans waiting for you. Hope you are feeling better soon.

    Like

  22. Why won’t my husband buy me a snow cone machine? I hardly ever play with the knives…

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    Sarah recently posted Once Met.

  23. Here’s my thought, Snow Cone Machine AND Easy Bake Oven in the bedroom! Because you NEED half baked light bulb brownies to go with your snow cones.

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    Sarah recently posted Liar,liar,.... you know the rest..

  24. haha!! that was awesome!! we should all be rockstars with snowcone makers in our bedrooms!

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    Gypsie recently posted Because we’ve all been or are here now...

  25. I had that Snoopy sno cone machine. My mom, a baker with a mean stirring arm, could shred ice like a champion. We could make sno cones all day but then we’d run out of syrup and nobody would remember to get any syrup from the store for a month so we’d just end up eating shredded ice and hating life.

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    Mary C-Pain recently posted Making The Magic Kingdom My Bitch.

  26. Snowcone makers are evil, I tell you. I had a Hello Kitty one. It tried to kill me. I threw it in the trash, only to find it back in the kitchen the next day. My dad said, “no way in hell did we spend all this money for a goddamn Hello Kitty snowcone machine and have you throw it away.”

    I lived in fear for years. Thanks a lot, DAD.

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    Dumb {Squared} recently posted Miss you, old boy.

  27. I think Victor wanted you to see the glory of a snow cone machine in the bedroom, hence not showing you where the button was. Awesome!

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    Nicky recently posted Day/Night of a Stage Carpenter.

  28. THIS is the American Dream. Snow cone machines in every room of the frickin’ house.

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    Claire J recently posted Broken.

  29. 30
    Mary Anne

    My husband bought a Snoopy Sno Cone maker for our daughter, and I said “Don’t you remember how ANNOYING those things were?” He was all “It’ll be great! She’ll love it!” I told him it was HIS project. Several hours and one whimpy Sno cone later he still wouldn’t admit that I was right.

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  30. I want a snow cone machine. Maybe I should ask for one for my birthday. Or add it to the evergrowing list of things to buy when we win the lottery. Might help if we bought a lottery ticket though…

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    Allyn recently posted Wasted Wednesday: Lemon Mint Juleps.

  31. Why the hell don’t I have a snow cone machine?! Suddenly I’m all back woods and I just used my espresso machine… snow machine shop, here I come!
    Oh and Book Signing… HERE I COME! See you tonight!

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    Queen of All Things Good recently posted My Formal Wear Is Out To Get Me!.

  32. After listening to Balls (bonus chapter everyone – go out and buy the audiobook), I’m kinda amused that you sill like Snow Cones. I do understand Wine Slushies though…

    Oh, and the link below – it’s all about you and this book. Thank you for allowinfg us to live vicariously through you.

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  33. Gahhhh, I hate typos. I blame the balls of Gryffindor crochet thread that I currently have in my lap.

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  34. Me too! That would be cool… having a snow machine in my bedroom is my new dream now

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    Finna recently posted Kitchen islands.

  35. 36
    Tina aka Aunt Looney

    Snow Cones – Awesome
    Mojito Snow Cones – More Awesome
    Having a Mojito Snow Cone machine in the bedroom – Most Awesome
    Reading my personalized autographed copy of your book while enjoying Mojito Snow Cones in bed – Priceless and awesome! They only thing that would be better is you with me. Not in the bedroom though, that would be weird. We could go down to the dock on the lake and you could read the book to me while we enjoy Mojito Snow Cones.
    Anyway… It was great to meet you last night. It made my day! Have a safe trip!

    Like

  36. Okay, you Twitter folks have to start a campaign to get her on Wait Wait…Don’t Tell Me. Seriously what would they ask her about for Not My Job? They would SO run with a conversation about zombies and would TOTALLY agree that a sno-cone machine in the bedroom is a sign of success!

    Like

  37. Thank you for coming to Atlanta! I had a great time at Barnes and Noble yesterday hearing you read. I needed the laughs!

    Like

  38. 39
    Keaven Neely

    I have no snow cone machine, but we used to have a tiny fridge in our bedroom, it was kick ass. And it was so wonderful meeting you yesterday. Will you be my friend? Really?

    Like

  39. I agree with Amanda above. When Victor leaves the house, he brings anything that ensues upon himself. I mean – what – does he think you can run the whole carnival by yourself?? How selfish.

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    Melanie recently posted Hello Sorrow. Let's Take a Drive..

  40. snow cone machines in texas really are like coffee machines in the rest of the civilized world (and i do not mean that texas is civilized – only some parts). so, you’d think we would have one. but, we are ghetto so we have to put the frig ice maker on “crush” and then pour watered down kool-aid (because god forbid the kids be mroe sugared up) over the crushed ice (which isn’t really crushed because our frig SUCKS, so it’s more kind of tiny ice particles that can be sharp). amazingly our kids eat them in the summer like their crack cocaine (they *might* be deprived or suffering from heat exhuastion). and (p.s. because this is an embarrassingly long stalkerish comment) those crazy north carolinians are sooooooo lucky!

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    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted A Three Year Old Lilyhammer. OR Where did I go wrong?.

  41. Now I need a snowcone machine. Sounds awesome.

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    Kristen @ The Chronicles of Dutch recently posted Throw Out The Cell Phone & Grab The Croissants.

  42. I’m in North Carolina right now too! However, the Great Dismal Swamp is between us, and it’s I don’t know how many more hours, so I won’t be coming to see you, unfortunately. Our rented house doesn’t have a snow cone machine, but I’ll have a blender drink in your honor. Unless they drank all the rest of the rum when I was sleeping.

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    Jen recently posted The Doberman: Feet.

  43. I’M COMING! WOOOOOOOO NORTH CAROLINA!!

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  44. We had a hand-crank one as kids, too. Took about 10 hours to make one.

    Look at this one you can buy that looks like Spongebob tossed his cookies in a cone for you to enjoy as a delicious summer treat:

    http://goo.gl/7ttz0

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    Wombat Central recently posted Amtrack.

  45. I don’t need a snow come machine, my mother has owned a snow cone stand for 12 years now. Snow comes at my disposal. And this is why I’m 30 lbs overweight.

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    Brandi recently posted Phoney..

  46. My hubby finds no humor in this blog, since he swears he’s had to deal with conversations like this. (My daughter swears she’s had to as well.) (Personally, I believe they’re both delusional…and I now have snowcone machine envy!)

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    Chris Dean recently posted Caffeine-Crazed, Zombie Whine-Fest!.

  47. I always wanted one of the Snoopy snow cone makers, but never got one, couldn’t afford it. This pregnancy has had me craving slushies like nobody’s business, and now I’m thinking a snow cone machine would be a good substitute. Now, where does one find an affordable snow cone machine?

    P.S. I’m now reading your book which I got yesterday and then had you sign, which was very exciting cause I’ve never been to a book signing before. I don’t think your childhood was all that odd. OK, so my dad was a math professor, but I made up for it by having both an uncle and a college roommate’s mom who were taxidermists. Really they lent less weirdness to my upbringing than my mom the biology teacher. She had us raise chickens as pets and then kill and eat them, all while living within the city limits of Atlanta. And she had us dissecting things, like the copperhead we found in the back yard. Those things wiggle a lot after you’ve cut their head off, and apparently its sympathetic nervous system don’t really like it when we cut off it’s skin to watch it’s hearts beat. We had to take turns standing on a board on its head while it thrashed around to keep it from reflexively thrashing around and biting us with it’s partially detached head.

    Hmm, I may need more therapy.

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    Cassondra recently posted Pregnancy advice, not like most of you care.

  48. Jenny,
    Can’t wait to see you tonight in Concord. Maybe if you have time you can visit the Concord Mills Mall – it is the number one tourist destination in the state of North Carolina! That fact is so sad! More than the Great Smokey Mountains, more than the Outer Banks, more than anything in NC!

    Like

  49. I had that damn snoopy snow cone maker too. However I learned how to work around it. I would wait till the dead of winter, go outside get a cup of clean fresh snow, and then add flavorings. BAM. Snow cone.

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  50. “Is the refrigerator running?” HAAAA I died.

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    dysfunctional mom recently posted These are my confessions....

  51. 52
    KidRanger

    I do not have a sno-cone machine, but I do have water and ice in the refrigerator door for the first time in my life. Upside = I always have ice. Downside = I think I slosh when I walk now.

    But I do have the mojito slushie figured out.

    Like

  52. I had the Snoopy sno-cone machine that the comment of the day referenced. She’s right – it TOTALLY sucked! My daughter has seen similar machines and I always tell her that those things never work. I suppose it’s possible they’ve improved over the past twenty or so years, but given my memories of that thing, it’s not worth the risk.

    But having a real one in the kitchen … that’d be almost as good as a margarita machine. Almost.

    Like

  53. I had mean parents….never had a freakin sno-cone machine or an easy bake oven. Of course, now I hate to cook so I really don’t want the oven now but the sno-cone machine sounds awesome….sno-cone mojitos? I am in!
    Soooo excited to see u in Charlotte later! I’ll be heading that way this afternoon…Woot!

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  54. That was the best rerun I’ve ever experienced in my life. Seriously.

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  55. Nothing like a little Jenny-Victor witty banter to get you going in the morning…🙂 At least I didn’t spit coffee all over my keyboard like with yesterday’s post.

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  56. Saturday! Saturday! Saturday! The Bloggess is coming to Gaithersburg on Saturday!!! *Sung to that weird Friday song by that weird girl* I am SOOOO excited!

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    Lesley recently posted Fairy Tales: And Then The Spider Almost KILLED Me. True Story..

  57. We actually have 3 snowcone machines. Our 3 year old is addicted.

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  58. I have a portable snow cone machine so I can make snow cones while driving in my car. It literally works off the cigarette lighter if I hold the two ends of the cord in the socket with one hand and hold the cup under the ice chute with the other and drive with my knees.

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    Lorca Damon recently posted The Bloggess Has Cooler Shit Than I Do.

  59. My God, would I ever love a snow cone machine.

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  60. I had that Snoopy sno cone maker too!! It was worse than the Easy-Bake oven powered by a light bulb!

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  61. P.P.S. I thought I might should clarify that it is not strictly legal to keep a couple dozen chickens within the city limits of Atlanta, but we had very tolerant neighbors. Also, we bribed them with eggs. And my parents had this view that if no one complained then it wasn’t a problem. And they also had trouble distinguishing how what they could do on a 50 acre farm in rural Georgia growing up didn’t translate very well to a postage stamp sized yard in Atlanta. Oh well.

    P.P.P.S. I thought I should also clarify that our chickens didn’t just disappear. Dad took them in the back and cut their heads off with an ax. You know the adage about chickens with their heads cut off? TOTALLY TRUE! Only they didn’t so much run as hop around, very high, over my head (of course I think I was 4 or 5 at the time so my head may not have been all that far from the ground). It was our job (mine and my sister’s) to go after the headless chickens and collect them when they calmed down. Luckily for us headless chickens are somewhat directionally challenged so none of them made good on their escape. Then we plucked them and cleaned them and they went in the freezer.

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  62. You called Victor for a broken snow cone machine? I’d call 911 for that. That’s definitely an emergency.

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    Thoughtsy recently posted Could You Describe the Ruckus, Sir?.

  63. When I lived in Wisconsin I used to leave martini glasses out on the porch to catch snow so I could make booze snow cones. While a highly effective (and lazy) means of obtaining snow, it turns out that snow melts really rapidly when exposed to booze. And after the first few (dozen) times, booze watered down with snow gets old.

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    Methodique Boisson recently posted P.S. THAT's why you have to be careful in negotiations. With crazy people..

  64. Ok – lots of people have been telling me to check out your blog – so this morning I finally did. I am laughing so hard I am nearly crying! I SO identify with you – you rock! I may be late to the party, but I am in and officially a big fan! Thanks for laughter!

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  65. Ok, so… if you make wine ice cubes, you could have wine snow cones in your bedroom with the touch of a button? If you use rum instead of regular snow cone syrup, does the ice melt faster or do you still have adequate time to eat your snow cone? Of course, if you are eating rum snow cones, do you really care (after the first couple) how much time you have to eat the snow cone. In fact, I suppose at some point you just stop pretending you’re having snow cones and just drink the rum straight from the bottle….

    Anyhow, Bedroom Snow Cone Machine sounds awesome. It also sounds like an interesting band name….

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    MsDarkstar recently posted Meeting Jenny Lawson.

  66. Snoopy Sno Cone maker. Yes, I had one too. Yes, it was a complete piece of shit.

    Someone, for the love of God, post that Mojito recipe, because I just ordered a sno cone maker from Amazon. Priority shipping.

    Like

  67. I’m kind of picturing me having this discussion with my husband. he already thinks I’m crazy as it is… O.o

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    Shiloh Walker recently posted Wreck This Life.

  68. PS. I am totally bringing you a plate of basketti on Saturday in Gaithersburg.

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  69. Have you ever been to an Absolut Ice Bar? They look like this:

    I think that between the snow cone machine, the blender, a little imagination, and a fuckton of ice, you could make your bedroom look like that. And then maybe Absolut would hear about it, and you could have free alcoholic snow cones for life.

    Maybe THAT’S what Victor was thinking when he didn’t tell you how to reset the outlets. Man’s a genius.

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    Jillian recently posted The Enrichment Academy.

  70. I think a snow cone machine would work great in my bedroom, too! Things are pretty cold in that room as it is, and I could probably already freeze ice on my husband’s ass anyway, so that’d work. Hey, thanks for the idea! LOL

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    Melissa Kauffold recently posted Traffic Jam.

  71. Crushed I can’t go tonight. And I was so hoping you’d come to Charlotte. Hope it’s a great event tonight!

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  72. We have one of those Snoopy snow cone machines that Jessica(Comment of the day) had. It’s been used exactly once in the 17 years we’ve had it…

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    Cara(Eli) recently posted Ow.

  73. I’d always wanted a soda dispensing machine (the kind at McDonalds) in my bedroom but must admit that now that I am aware that I could actually have a sno-cone machine in there, I want that instead. One kind of cancels out the other but I’d also like a hot pretzel (the glass case turning kind) warmer in the bedroom, too. I’d be okay with putting frozen pretzels in the oven and then into the warming case….in any case, I can work all that out.

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    "Susan Says..." recently posted Congrats, Rachel Berry, All is Forgiven: Glee, Three Years In....

  74. THIS REMINDS ME… the Boyfriend and I are moving into our very own house (meaning renting someone else’s very own house) and we need a sno cone maker for the kitchen so I can make vodka/redbull snocones. And an ice cream maker for Irish Carbomb ice cream. Possibly some pots and pans. And plates. But more importantly, the treat-makers.
    THANK YOU.

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    Banana Stickers recently posted A letter to my girls.

  75. 76
    E M Foster

    I have a wine fridge in my office which is also my writing space. Having things in places where they aren’t normally found kicks ass! It also makes it way too easy to kill a bottle of wine in an afternoon, but no one’s keeping track!! 😀

    Like

  76. 77
    Karen Riddle

    You restored my faith in humanity. American Idol’s tour is SKIPPING NC this year. I am aghast. BUT, you, you, you are coming to Concord tonight. !!!!!!!!!! Yay…..See you soon.

    Like

  77. I’m trying really hard to be captivated by the injustice of non-working sno-cone machines, but I’m totally distracted by the fact that I’m eating yogurt with a ‘sustainable spork’. That would be a spork make out of cornstarch so it vaguely looks like plastic, but can biodegrade. Unfortunately, that means it dissolves in your food after about 3 bites so you are now dealing with a collapsing spork, when really, sporks, let alone dissolving ones, should not exist to being with. All the while you also have to feel like an asshole because the cafeterias at the University where I work went to sustainable sporks to prove to the students they care about the environment, and I’m thinking I don’t care enough about the environment to have one more damn corn starch spork dissolve in my yogurt. Never mind I could bring a spoon from home and that I pilfered this spork when I bought my coffee this morning. Don’t get me started on the lack of free coffee. However, busted sno-cone machines may trump lack of free workplace coffee. You win this time.

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  78. Love it! BTW, I just read the chapters of the beginning of your relationship with Victor. Hilarious!

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    Liz D recently posted "Fifty Shades Darker" Book Review.

  79. We had not only the Snoopy Sno-cone maker and Easy Bake oven, but a full blown toy kitchen to play with loaded with plastic food, pots, pans and various other accouterments. I think my mother was hell bent on turning me into Suzy Homemaker, complete with a Donna Reed dress and apron and June Cleaver mannerism. I even had a doll that could eat AND poop. Much to mom’s chagrin, I hated that damned sno-cone maker, donned some black jeans and flannel and grew up to be the opposite of June Cleaver….

    Like

  80. It may be a rerun, but it’s still hilarious!

    I never had a snow cone maker. In fact, I’m not even sure we really have them much here in the UK. Or maybe we do and my parents never informed me in case I wanted one. Wow, I never realised my parents were so heartless. Words will be had with them about this…

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    Kim recently posted Revising...for the final time..

  81. I’m totally coming to see you. I’ll be the crazy person in between my friend’s current wife and his ex wife. The one with the Xanax bottle who is pimping out Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, that’s me.

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    Julie Rosenstud recently posted The Bloggess.

  82. I’m sure the tv show cribs will one day return to television, and when they come to your house, you’d show them all around then be like: “Holla back boys, now it’s time for the piece de resistance! ” Then you lead them into the bedroom and show the snow cone machine on a greek marble pedistal and one of your cats sitting on the foot pedal and staring up at it like: “WTF is this thing doing in MY space?” And then you share snow cones with everyone because THAT’S HOW YOU ROLL!

    -The End

    Like

  83. I just finished your book – it was amazing and super funny! but you used the word vagina – a lot. Honestly to the point where I wondered if they paid you extra every time you used it. By the end, I was thinking even a book about Vaginas would not use the word that often. So anyhow that’s my book review.

    Like

  84. Here’s me waiting in London and you’re in North Carolina. Bugger.

    Like

    HerMelness Speaks recently posted A Retarded Nipple And The Apology.

  85. Please, please come to Portland? Better yet, come to Eugene. No one ever comes here, and it’s way weirder than Portland and Austin combined. (I actually think adding weird + weird works like adding two negative numbers, so you end up way off to the left on your numberline, looking at seriously weird stuff that’s actually much better than all those positive numbers.) Either way. I’ll drive 200 miles if I have to.

    Like

  86. Woo! I love your reruns–it’s like catching a marathon of Toddlers in Tiaras on a Sunday, except it’s Thursday and you wear wigs, not tiaras and also have earned the years and the right to wear too much makeup if you so choose.

    Like

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  87. and I am stuck like chuck in Goldsboro.

    So close, but yet, so, sooooo far. 😦

    Like

    Jules recently posted No Picture, No Fanfare, Just Some Heartbreak.

  88. I am so sad I will be missing you, but alas I have agreed to attend a girls night/birthday soiree for a friend.

    In other news, the one toy I COVETED as a child was A Snoopy Freakin’ Snow Cone Machine. To this day I have never let my parents live down the fact that they were pretty much unfit because they never got me one. Even though they knew how bad I wanted it. Jerks.

    Enjoy North Cakalakie. We are happy to have you.

    Like

  89. I have a funnel cake maker and a cotton candy maker. We could get together and have kick ass carnival! Sooooo wish I could have come see you when you were in Atlanta. Alas, it was a school night and I’m in Florida, five hours away. sigh.

    I do, however, want you to know that I LOOOOOVVVVEEEE your book! I’ve laughed so hard in public reading it that people keep asking what I’m reading. I tell them and explain about your blog, so if you see an uptick in book sales in the next couple of weeks…You’re Welcome!🙂

    Like

  90. Between you and Victor and the commenter with the lame Snoopy snow cone machine, I just made an ass of myself giggling in the dingy, gross car smogging place waiting room. Thanks for brightening an otherwise dismal experience!!!🙂

    Like

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  91. This sounds startlingly like my inability to put in a lightbulb properly. I WAS a self sufficient person before I met Fiance… what the hell happened?

    Like

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  92. So going to come to the book signing, and I am bringing all of my seedy friends. And, my husband. It will be a horde!

    Like

    MFol recently posted Challenged by definition.

  93. Are . . . are you *real*? You’re too amazing to be real. You’re like a blogging unicorn.

    Like

  94. North Carolina…I wonder where in north carolina…I was there once in fayetteville at Fort Bragg.

    Like

    girlvet recently posted I am powerless and my life has become unmanageable...

  95. Denver.

    Denver, Jenny. We have snow cones. Hell, we have snow!

    Deeeeennnnvvvverrrrrrr…

    We have taxidermy!

    Like

  96. I keep thinking your ad says “cootchie catcher,” not cootie catcher. And it doesn’t surprise me, because you’re you. But it does make me think maybe I shouldn’t be reading this at work. And… wonder what a folded-paper cootchie catcher would be, exactly.

    Like

  97. I am SO bummed I missed you in Charlotte today. But I listened to the podcast of the Bob & Sheri show so at least I got to HEAR you! Although I did have to give a few people death glares because they kept trying to talk to me while I was listening. But after lots of re-winding, I got to hear it all. Stupid, co-workers. They should know better than to expect me to work when I’m busy listening to you.

    Like

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  98. Ahh, also hate I couldn’t get out to Charlotte but since you weren’t in a Panthers uniform and on the field (you weren’t were you??) I really never think about that part of the state…

    Like

  99. I want a snow cone in every room of my house. That would be fucking epic.

    Like

    Carri recently posted Grandpa Dale is Banned From Dressing Anyone but Himself.

  100. When I was little my mom and I trained and groomed horses. Turns out when you’re like 100 lbs soaking wet with rocks in your pockets and can stay on a skittish animal no matter what people are all, like, “hey want to train my horse?” And being a Girl Who Loved Horses, I was all “yea I will!” Near the farm where we worked: the most awesome-est snowcone place ever. It was on Liberty Road in Baltimore County, Maryland. They put MARSHMALLOW FLUFF on top of the syrup (strawberry was the best). When I was a teenager I used to take dates there and they’d be all “it’s just shaved ice” and I’d be all “this just isn’t going to work out”. Good times. I have no idea if that place is still there. But my mouth waters thinking about it.

    Here in Texas they put pickle juice on their snowcones. I really don’t get it.

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  101. I had that Snoopy snow cone machine. It sucked!

    Like

  102. So bummed I cant make it. Charlotte is too far from Raleigh and there are way too many North Carolina drivers in the way of that trip. Major sad face.

    Like

    alaina recently posted Shock & Awe..

  103. We had a snow cone machine that I got at Target for $7. It sucked. Almost broke my arm trying to crank it. It had a suction cup on the bottom to adhere it to the table. Finally I cranked it so hard it unsuctioned and flew across the table almost taking out the cat. Bye Bye snow cone machine.

    Like

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Gen X, Y, ZZZZ: Our Childhood Pop Culture Figures Are Taking the Nap, One By One.

  104. hi jenny! i bought your book a couple of weeks ago, even though i had not seen your blog before, and it was great. now i’m kicking myself for not discovering you sooner. you’re awesome!

    will there be a canadian leg of your book tour? would love to come and cheer you on!

    so glad i found you; keep up the good work🙂

    Like

  105. 106
    Ashley - Embracing Beauty

    I loved that Snoopy snow cone machine more than words could express!!! I miss mine.

    I hated to miss meeting you tonight but I came down with a bit of a cold and I didn’t want to share it with you. If you visit NC again you’ll have to let us know!

    Like

    Ashley - Embracing Beauty recently posted FREE 1-night Hotel Stay at Country Inns & Suites! First 100,000 Only!.

  106. Sweet, naive, gullible, knife-wielding Jenny,

    “Snow Cone Maker” is code for “Margarita Maker”.

    Did they not tell you that at the store?

    Of COURSE it should be in the bedroom.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted New Eyes and Old Sighs at 56.

  107. OMG! I laughed so hard out loud while reading this that my husband made me read it out loud to him. He didn’t laugh. I am wondering who he is and where my *real* husband is…

    Like

    Julie recently posted May Monthly Mini-Build.

  108. YOU CAN GET SNOW-CONE MAKERS FOR YOUR HOUSE? I didn’t know! I want one. Do you reckon you could make gin and tonic snow cones? Or long-island iced tea ones? ‘Cause I think they would be very refreshing, come summer. Wish I could be on the tour!

    Like

    Imelda Evans recently posted The Greater Twittering Blog-Face.

  109. I totally wanted a snoopy sno-cone machine when I was a kid. And never got one. It was The Toy That Got Away. And not even this hilarious post can make me stop wanting one. So there.

    Like

  110. wait wait…they had twitter five years ago?! where the fuck was I? jesus…

    Like

    Rebekah Mae recently posted There's a strong chance that I'm moving to New England in the Fall.

  111. I seem to remember you have a thing about Nathan Fillion. Have you seen this?

    Like

  112. Just got home from the hour and a half drive from Charlotte and just wanted to tell you I had the best time EVER! Thank you for being so kind and sweet to us crazy NC fans. Thank you also for signing my chicken, Lindsay Lohan. I hope you enjoy the Wonder Woman tote, you can tell Victor to suck it.😉
    This was an evening I’ll always remember. Meeting you and some of your fans as well, was well worth the trip.

    Karen

    Like

    karen recently posted Road Trip to Charlotte tomorrow....meeting The Bloggess!.

  113. 114
    Christina

    1. Why oh why oh why have I not seen Chicago as a book tour destination? Loving every moment of reading your book.

    2. I loved my Snoopy Sno-Cone Machine, but it kept eating my knuckles. So now I’ve bought one for my kids. Because some traditions just need to be handed down to future generations.

    Like

  114. Thank you so much for a wonderful reading/signing! I am the person who made the Hamlet Cake. It was so much fun to do, and I think he came out beautifully. First time I’ve ever made a marzipan replica of a taxidermied mouse, I must say🙂 Thank you so much for bringing laughter and entertainment into our house (and letting my husband know how lucky he is that I’m (mostly) sane, although he was wondering when I posted to Facebook asking if anyone had a taxidermied weasel or mouse that I could borrow….)

    Like

    Tracey C. recently posted Bloggess and the Marzipan Mouse….

  115. I want a snow cone machine!!! One that looks like Snoopy…why does everyone keep telling me it’s not a necessity…I disagree!

    You are one very funny lady, keep it up!!!

    Like

  116. It was so incredibly awesome to meet you tonight! Sorry for tearing up on you.🙂 I just wanted you to know that your blog is both hilarious and life changing- in a good way! BTW, I was right. My 11 year old was totally jealous that I got to meet Copernicus! Thanks again for a fun evening!

    Like

  117. 118
    JCfromNC

    So, so bummed out that I wasn’t able to make it to Concord, but as another commenter said, it was just a bit too far to drive from Raleigh, especially with having to be at work tonight. I hate that I missed it.

    Like

  118. 119
    Elizabeth

    I totally had that Snoopy snow cone machine!! I think I used it twice…

    Like

  119. So I thought that said “JFGI outlet” and I thought it was funny. Then I realized it was “GFCI” and felt really stupid because I had to, in fact, JFGI.

    Like

  120. Two more days and counting until Annapolis!!!
    I took you book with me to the Veterans Hospital as I waitied for appointment. Folks asked what I was reading..It must have been that fancy cover on the UK version that caught their eye, as a dead mouse on the cover is nothing in the PTSD Floor. Patients asked me what I was reading, and I said well, it is not about a dead mouse in a cape, but it is about life and Jenny is just as crazy as we are. If those pills dont help with the depression, read this!( It help me laugh and I do feel better!)
    Five people wrote down your info, one guy was about to order it on his very smart Smart phone.
    I think Veterans everywhere could be really helped with your book….it should be sold in every VA Medical Center. It makes me realize that all the crap I went thru is nothing compared to having my dad toss a bobcat in my boyfriend lap or getting hugged in a dead dear, etc.
    They should play the audio version in the PA system, would make the whole place a happy place, (No hangover either!)
    See you Sunday… Ill be wearing the Women Veteran/US Navy ball cap…or a crazy squirrel lady hat or a raccoon skin, I dont have a cap, just the pelt….see I do relate!!!🙂

    Like

  121. Do you have Prince Albert in a can? If so, better let him out. Thanks for the giggle this morning. Hope the book tour is as awesome as your book!

    Like

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  122. I cannot wait for leg three of your book tour! I missed the first time you were in NY because I first found your blog one week after you were here. One week! I was obviously inconsolable. I hadn’t even read your book yet at that point, but I couldn’t believe I had missed my chance to meet you. But all is right in the world because (1) I was gifted with your book, (best present ever. I have hereby peaked as a gift-receiver; no future presents will ever measure up. I don’t know how this makes me feel, I’ll get back to you) and (2) you scheduled another NYC visit. See you in June!

    Like

  123. Clearly, I was deprived as a child since I didn’t get a damn snow cone machine. I think it’s because my mother is a snob and doesn’t do lowly things like eat at Olive Garden or own snow cone machines.

    Like

    sara recently posted Push.

  124. I think I had a Snoopy snow cone maker, too! But I don’t remember having to push on his ass. Pretty sure I’d remember that trauma.

    Like

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  125. Now I want a snow cone maker!

    Like

    Corey Feldman recently posted Egret and the Wishing Flower.

  126. 127
    Jennifer

    It was amazing seeing you last night in Concord. Thank you for being an inspiration and beautiful person. You make it okay for us to laugh at the things we shouldn’t, just so we can stay sane from all the bs that life hands us.

    Like

  127. One more day till JENNY DAY in Gaithersburg!!!!!

    Like

  128. Hi. I’ve been reading your blog now for a long time, and I’ve commented a bit here and there. I just wanted to thank you for writing about the battle you have with depression. It gave me the courage to talk about my own. I know that you’re a very busy person, what with your book tour and all, but if you have time, please read my most recent post on my blog.

    http://animatedadventuresofasouthernbelle.wordpress.com/2012/05/18/depression-lies/

    I’m not by any means trying to get you to support my blog or have others support it or anything like that. I just actually wrote about my depression for once, and I’m really proud of myself. And I thought that since you were the one that inspired me to do so, you might want to read… Thanks.

    Like

    Jennifer Howard recently posted Depression Lies.

  129. I wish I had a snow cone machine. All I have is a soft serve ice cream machine and it’s a piece of crap. It always tastes salty….

    Like

    Lacey recently posted Do It Right.

  130. I’d totally forgot about this one! Made ma laugh all over again.

    Greetings from the girl who has never ever tasted a snow cone.

    Like

    Nat recently posted Booby trap (less boobies, more trap).

  131. Those damn GFCI outlets can be a bitch. Daily: Get hair dryer out of closet. Plug it in. Hear very familiar “click.” Say “motherfucker.” Really, I don’t understand why electricians or anyone else give a damn if we electrocute ourselves. In my opinion, if you do that, you just Darwin out, and we have saved the ozone or something.

    Like

    Meg E recently posted Gimpin' Ain't Easy.

  132. When I went grocery shopping, I used to make sure I always had 3 boxes of Cheez Its, one for the pantry, one for the go (walking the dog, driving to meet friends for dinner), and one that was arms reach from my bed. Then one day I was eating frosting before bed and left it on the nightstand. When I woke up in the morning it hit me: Cheez Its dipped in frosting. Right there without leaving the comfort of my bed and it was awesome….don’t judge me. It may sound disgusting, but there are plenty of people out there who do things like put mustard on sandwiches…ew.

    Like

    Kayleigh recently posted Once Upon a Time I FounsdfjsdkljfzzzZZZZzzz...sorry I fell asleep..

  133. You should totally stop by Origins Game Fair in Columbus, Ohio May 30-June3 (http://www.originsgamefair.com/). ‘Cause Wil Wheaton will be there. Oh, and me. Yeah, if you stop by, ask for Jennifer at the Tabletop games Headquarters. 😛 If you do, I will totally have you sign my Kindle with a sharpie, that’s worth detouring and changing your whole schedule around for, right??? *giggle* Oh and there’s games and stuff… LOL

    Like

  134. At the reading last night (thank YOU for coming to NC, THANK YOU): When you said “You’re the second Holly I’ve met tonight” to my friend Holly and she said “thank you” what she says she really meant to say was “Will you please sign my book in the bathroom instead of in front of all these people because I suffer from debilitating social anxiety like yours.” But what she really meant (according to me) was, “Wow, that’s the nicest thing any celebrity has said directly to me all night” even though what she now claims is that she meant “Thank you for talking so frankly about anxiety and depression. I love you.”

    Also, my husband now claims that he didn’t mean “Is Victor ever right?” even though last night that’s what I said he meant. He says he meant “Will you ever write anything nice about Victor” which is bafflingly similar to what he told me to ask you. But of course he really means “I plan to read the book some day so I can find out but maybe I won’t get around to it after all because (apparently) I hate to laugh.”

    You’re welcome. I honestly don’t know what you people would do without me around to translate.

    Like

    Heather Head recently posted Everything They Ever Need to Know They’ll Learn.

  135. you know what I want in the bedroom? A coffee pot. Walking downstairs to make coffee before I’ve had coffee is just too dangerous.

    Like

    SaraEllenAwesome recently posted Also, I’m a coward.

  136. Don’t you see the problem your “come see me” plea in North Carolina?
    You’re selling a BOOK, but they don’t read there.
    Get a banjo and start singing ’bout how you miss your man who’s in prison. You’ll get a crowd.

    Like

    If I were God... recently posted Lord of the Rings and the Lord of Middle Girth.

  137. Please come to Utah. Please, PLEASE! *sigh* – I had a Snoopy sno-cone machine as a kid. Now I just wait for the Sno-Shacks to open. The advantage of being an adult. Plus I din’t know they made adult sno-cone machines. Hmm…. I’ll have to look into that.

    Like

  138. I had one of those Snoopy Snow Cone Makers as a kid…I loved mine, but she’s right, seemed like forever to get a dixie-cup size snow cone. And it wasn’t Snoopy’s ass you pushed, it was his whole body. His ass what sitting on a giant plastic “ice bar” that you shoved in on top of the ice that you just shoved down the chimney of Snoopy’s dog house shaped snow cone mill. The crank spun this cylinder that looked like a cheese grater inside and was located in what I assume would have been the fireplace below the chimney. The decorative snow man was hollow and had a hat with a tiny whole in the top. We used to fill the snow man with Kool-Aid and use it to flavor my dixie-cup sized snow cones. Ahhh, I wish I had it now so my children could torture themselves for a snow cone😉

    Like

  139. I had a Snoopy snowcone machine too. I think you should duplicate every appliance in your kitchen so you won’t have to leave your bedroom. Except to use the bathroom- unless you’re super fancy and have one of those in your bedroom too.

    Like

  140. As a San Francisco Bay Arean I can only say (1) we gots no snow (2) we have more ice cream stores per square smile than most other areas, so (3) our GFCI outlets are SAFE. For now….

    Like

    Diane Donovan recently posted Charades.

  141. I love the sno cone machine story, laughed until I had tears. Thanks!

    Like

    Tracie Kapaun recently posted Happy Mother’s Day.

  142. 143
    Dawn Jewell

    I love the rerun blogs, they are the best! I also had a snoopy snow cone maker when I was a kid, I remember it worked pretty well. I loved those damn snow cones.

    Like

  143. 144
    seemomster

    DAMN AND BLAST. I hate my job sometimes. You were in Concord? AND I MISSED YOU? Sigh. That’s only, like, 2 1/2 hours from here! ARGH. Stupid spring in the garden center. Stupid too exhausted to move…or even get on the internet.

    (beats head against wall.)

    Like

  144. I love this conversation. You capture a loving (yet hysterical) marriage dynamic. Good luck to you, your fridge, and your snow cone machine.

    Like

    Lady J recently posted Rock, Paper, Scissors...Plateau? Hell no!.

  145. So, now I totally want a snow cone machine! Yes, here I go, at 12:15 AM searching the internet for snow cone machines. From one crazy girl to another, Thanks a lot!🙂

    Like

  146. Much love to the comment of the day, since I had that same snow cone machine (The snoopy one) and hated how much work it was with so little reward. Also, my name is Jessica. So. Twice the awesome.

    Like

  147. I have a ice shaver. its my favorite non-mechanical thing in this whole house.

    Like

    Charlotte recently posted Some of my favorite things - Celebrity Fashion edition.

  148. 149
    Rachel Grace

    It’s a person (gender undetermined) walking an alligator on a leash in WalMart. And apparently the alligator is named Elizabeth.
    http://www.peopleofwalmart.com/53050/elizabeth/

    Like

  149. I just bought that stupid Snoopy snowcone machine a few months ago. Little did I know how irritating it would be. Unfortunately snowcones are one of my addictions, otherwise I would ditch it. However, I did find an amazing snowcone shop over the weekend so we may have to put Snoopy down after all…

    Like

    mandee wyrick recently posted YallFest Reading Challenge!.

  150. Like Jessica I also had the childhood trauma of Snoopy’s demented snow cone torture device. I am not sure I can ever look at a snow cone the same way ever again.

    Like

  151. My mom threw a snoopy sno-cone machine at my sister. Hit her square in the forehead.True story.

    Like

  152. I am nearly in tears reading this. You remind me of my husband and I.

    PS. I think he loves you.

    Like

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  153. Maybe they can buy a snow cone machine from the person selling rat equipment on Craigslist. http://www.constructionlitmag.com/additions/craigslist-seattle. Whoever this is, seemed to be selling everything else along with it. Leather boots… comforters … hair color stripper…

    Like

  154. You are fuckin’ hilarious. New to this blog. Love it.

    Like

  155. 156
    Jeanette

    I’d just like to refute Jessica’s comment about the Snoopy Snow Cone Maker…I had one as a kid too and it was AWESOME. So awesome in fact that I was VERY tempted to buy one I saw in a garage sale a while back. The only reason I didn’t was because we were living out of a spare bedroom in my in-laws’ house. But snow cone makers just raise the bar on anyone’s cool factor🙂

    Like

  156. ok, so I have been away from this site for a long time (my bad), but its helping me through a moment here (more like a millenium of moments) and I just laughed out loud about the refrigerator running comment, at work, when I am supposed to be working, and that is awesome, because I havent had a lot of stuff to laugh about lately. thank you, Bloggess, for being a very bright spot in a very dark moment (or millenium of moments)

    Like

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