And that's why I don't use the garbage disposal

me:  I just got an email about buying fake followers on twitter.  I didn’t even know that was a thing.  Why would anyone want that?

Victor: You’re asking me to explain why twitter doesn’t make sense?

me: It’s like paying for imaginary friends who don’t even like you.

Victor: We should totally start that business.

me: Selling twitter followers?

Victor: No.  Selling used imaginary friends for people who don’t have imaginations.

me: DUDE, THAT IS MY DREAM JOB.  Like Imaginary-Geraldo, who lost one leg playing “The Floor Is Made Of Lava” and who likes to dress up your cats like movie stars when you’re not home.

Victor:  Huh.

me:  Or Imaginary-Jezebel, who thinks you need to gain weight and who wants to eat cheesecake eggrolls with you.  She’s half off.

Victor:  She’s on sale?

me:  No, she lost both of her legs in the garbage disposal.  Apparently those things are really dangerous even though they seem like they’d make a great reverse snow cone. It was a really good lesson for all of us.

Victor: You’ve put…waaay too much thought into this.

me: It’s my secret talent.  Our house is filled with imaginary friends.  It’s like a fucking invisible mosh-pit in here.

Victor: And why are so many of them missing legs?

me:  It’s a dangerous job.

PS.  Don’t buy twitter followers.  It’s stupid. Instead, make up imaginary friends for people who lack imagination.  And make up imaginary shin pads for them too.  That way you’re helping others and you’re protecting imaginary people.  Everyone wins.

 

260 replies. read them below or add one

  1. You’re amazing, Jenny! And your book is helping me to laugh my way through both my final year uni exams AND my exciting but scary discharge from the mental health system. Thank you! <3

    Oly recently posted 'Cubicle Confessional' is a success!.

  2. I *am* an imaginary friend. It’s less lucrative than it sounds.

  3. Wait … other people don’t make up imaginary friends on a regular basis?

    Rita Arens recently posted DJ Nibbles Celebrates the Word "Benign".

  4. I think my imaginary friend – Imaginary-Brianna used to be BFFs with Imaginary-Jezebel but then Brianna didn’t want to go visit Jezebel in the Imaginary Hospital when Jezebel had her garbage disposal incident, so they stopped speaking. You know, now that I think about it, Imaginary-Brianna is kind of a bitch.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep4A – “Doctor Fright”.

  5. Yeah I don’t understand it either. Seems like the OPPOSITE of the point – to build a community and relationships. I really dislike that kind of thing.

    I just pay friends in real life to be my friends. DUH.

    Pish Posh recently posted You're Full of Crap: Congratulations, Grads!.

  6. Everything that goes on in your head makes me feel so much better about what’s in mine. And I mean that in the best way.

    claris recently posted drive vlog: fatigue, parking, sephora and paleo..

  7. Why don’t you appoint some of those imaginary friends as business managers, and then you’d have an imaginary business selling imaginary friends that YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE TO MANAGE!?

    You just check in once a week and let the paychecks flow in!

  8. I’m embarrassed to say that I bought followers once. Luckily none of them speak English so they had no idea when I made fun of them.

    Rob R recently posted Roulette.

  9. If you decide to do an imaginary friend business, I’d love to put my skills in the ring to help draw them. Just sayin’.

    xadrian recently posted Coffee Waste.

  10. I heard on NPR the other night that companies are selling and buying fake Facebook likes. These things are out of control. It was like $75 for 1000 facebook likes. What is the bloody point of that? So they have fake people to advertise to?

    The world has lost its everloving mind.

    Pish Posh recently posted You're Full of Crap: Congratulations, Grads!.

  11. Wine, clothing, taxidermied ocelots…these are things worth spending money on. Fake internet friends? Uh…no.

    Erin recently posted How I keep my 2 year old from driving me (entirely) crazy.

  12. I can totally imagine this conversation taking place. I want to eat cheesecake egg rolls with you too

    Carmen recently posted The one where I overreact. Or not..

  13. And as long as no one throws a bobcat at them (real or imagined, legs or no) everyone should be fine.

    cassie recently posted we're sorry, this space has reached it's capacity.

  14. I was sitting here with my legs crossed because I had to go pee and not really bad enough to just get up and go … but then I read your piece, here, and now I have to. Go.

    lceel recently posted MOnday MEanders.

  15. I’m so for imaginary friends. Like Penelope, who likes to help pigglets with no legs. O James, who only kills spiders after removing their legs.

    By the way, I think their should be a clause stating there must be a leg reference somewhere for it to be a real imaginary friend. Just saying.

    Carol recently posted Drained of all energy.

  16. You had me at “cheescake eggrolls.”

    Now THAT should totally be a thing. Internet: make it happen!

    Jason Black recently posted The three worst words in fiction.

  17. I wish my imaginary friend was on Twitter. I’d love to catch up with him sometime.

    I wonder if there are people on Fiverr who will be your imaginary friend for $5?

    Nicki recently posted The Chicken Dance.

  18. I thought of selling imaginary pets – we should team up

    daniel recently posted The Day – And Not All Of It.

  19. 19
    NotNatalie

    I had imaginary friends for a short time when I was little. But, I only really had them because I felt like I was “supposed” to have them. Eventually, they got sick of me hanging out with them out of obligation, and they moved on.

  20. Also, don’t forget:
    1. Dave the Inappropriate Handyman who drinks all your beer and then passes out on your couch
    2. Karl the entrepreneurial “massage” therapist who failed the background check.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Hugo Schwyzer, my father-in-law, and the problem of grace.

  21. REVERSE SNOW CONES?! I have no idea what that is, but it’s fucking 90 degrees in Dallas and I want one.

    John recently posted perm-a-doodle.

  22. Imaginary friends are amazing social marketers… they will even re-tweet your shit tweets – which is 90% of what I do anyway.

    Simple Dude recently posted Pizza For All Seasons!.

  23. I need all the friends I can find… seriously…

    Kerry :) recently posted … Refer to Exhibit A.

  24. My 7 year old was crying the other day because she needed to buy fake cat food for her on line computer kitty. I told her that life was tough in a down economy and we might need to let that one go. Fake catfood…pffttt….seriously?? Oh yes, she needed new clothes and a bedroom upgrade – spoiled cat, I said, hell no.

    Jana recently posted I can make your skin glow, 'cause I am a saint, Y'all!.

  25. I can kind of see buying fake followers for a website if you’re hoping to screw advertisers out of dollars (until they wise up and figure it out), but no one makes anything off of Twitter, do they? Other than, you know, Twitter.

    And why ARE so many of them missing legs? Are a bunch of them missing other limbs as well, or is it predominantly legs?

    Adrasteia recently posted How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways..

  26. I have some Twitter followers I’d like to sell. They are scantily clad, if that makes a difference.

    Marinka recently posted If You’re In NYC, Please Come To This Tomorrow.

  27. They’re missing legs to prevent escape!

    Karen Sanders recently posted Support, Not In a D-cup Way.

  28. I totally read that – like read that 4x – as “buying fake flowers on Twitter”. And I was going to myself, hey that’s not a half-bad idea. Would anyone pay? They pay for fake flowers in the dollar store, why not on Twitter? Seriously, all these thoughts.
    Coffee. Need more.

    Anne Kimball recently posted Adoption Tuesday - Attachment.9.

  29. I’m taking imaginary friend off of my dream job list. I like my legs.

    L-Kat recently posted Two days. Two races. Three medals..

  30. That’s it. My imaginary friends are NOT allowed to use the garbage disposal any more. Imaginary prosthetics have got to be expensive! I’m saving MY money for the twitter.

    Robin recently posted I Feel Sad Today. Sometimes That Happens..

  31. wait…people can buy ME to follow them. I’ll even say whatever they want. Like a hooker…only without giving BJ’s. HOLY SHIT …gold mine…twitter slut! I’m all over this.

  32. Clearly I am in the wrong business. Also, my apartment is also filled with imaginary friends. That is who I talk to when my reptiles are sleeping or I’m not taking to them because they stole my food. My blue tongue skink has an uncanny NEED to eat breakfast food. Usually, my breakfast food. So I needed an imaginary friend to bitch to because he stole my food. Much like your husband, my husband is kind of a saint.

  33. If you are making “cheesecake eggrolls” they should be covered in cinnamon sugar….

  34. ok, but do these imaginary friends come with imaginary wheelchairs or prosthetic legs or something? cause i’m not trying to carry my imaginary friend everywhere. that’s waaaayyy too much effing work.

    emily recently posted Fifteen choices for Fifty.

  35. maybe I should start a business where *I* am the imaginary friend and people pay *ME*. I can say things like “I’m not really here” and “this never happened”. I won’t lose my limbs though because I am extremely good at NOT falling into garbage disposals. It comes from being not-skinny. It’s my special skill.

    That and being an imaginary friend.

    I was never here.

    Tarasview recently posted Get Out of the "It's For Me" Mindset - Guest Post by Amy Bayliss.

  36. 36
    Lori Beth

    I couldn’t agree more!

  37. Why would anyone buy fake Twitter followers when they can buy *real* ones? Not to say that anyone could “buy” me on Twitter, but if someone sent a couple of pounds of quality smoked bacon my way, I’d be sure to follow them.

    Dave B recently posted Free Album Streaming: New CDs from The Walkmen, Regina Spektor, Sigur Rós, & More.

  38. Given my current between jobs status, I can be purchased as a twitter follower for cheap. Real cheap.

    Becky recently posted Pepper, with a Side of Rice.

  39. 39
    Minnesota Red

    I’d rather be the Leader of the Twits and follow no one.

  40. I totally misread the first line and was wondering how one would even buy flowers for twitter…

    I wonder if the fake friends are connected to fake accounts or if they’ve stolen people’s accounts and are giving them to you as fake friends… you really need to stop kidnapping people.

    Emme recently posted 35 Days!.

  41. By the way, we should be able to edit our own comments. Today for the first time I went back to read mine because something in the back of my mind kept telling me something was wrong and I saw I made a huge mistake. It was there, not their. I started writing something else but then a better sentence jumped in and I went with it without properly checking.

    Of course I could start checking what I wrote before hitting the submit button, but what’s the fun on that?

    Carol recently posted Drained of all energy.

  42. Tell me more about these “Cheesecake Eggrolls.”

  43. I have a bunch of imaginary friends who are real people but they exist (for me) only through the magical world of the Internet. (Because there are all kinds of people who say that people you know only on the Internet aren’t “real” friends, so I guess that means they are imaginary friends, right?) Also, in my mind, Jenny reads my blog and thinks it’s wonderful… and I’m thinner and much more successful.

    Also, I have recently used the fact that I am a member of Unicorn Success Club as a reason to hit the snooze alarm a couple of extra times and to have “just one more” wine cooler. The beauty of Unicorn Success Club is you don’t need to make up imaginary friends because everyone who is a member of Unicorn Success Club is your friend… so you automagically have a bunch of “imaginary” Internet friends!

    MsDarkstar recently posted Summoned.

  44. 44
    Myocardia

    I’m with Erin P; I’m an imaginary friend myself. It’s much easier this way, and besides, this way I don’t have to always be buying people whom I don’t even like birthday presents!

  45. Hell, people can buy fake girlfriends for Facebook, which is a whole lot more depressing/moronic.

    Allyn recently posted Things We Love: Local Food.

  46. 46
    Valerie Power

    Sweet baby Zeus, Woman! You need some type of disclaimer on your posts. I just spit queso right through my nose while reading this. Despite the pain, the laugh was worth it!

  47. You had me at “cheesecake eggrolls.”

  48. I have a couple of imaginary friends on Facebook. Phake Parson is married to Emma Genary-Parson (she kept her maiden name because she’s trying to get into acting and didn’t want directors to not know it was her. Even though she’s never actually had a successful audition. Part of the draw back of being imaginary I guess). They have an adopted daughter- May Dup. And May has a cousin who lives in Greece- Theo Redtickle. It’s a happy family.

  49. I know someone who did this! She has thousands of “followers” with names like ‘Sexxxxxxy133′ and ‘Malissaprmbp’ and they ALL have eggs for faces. Invisible EGG FRIENDS! (I just sang ‘the incredible, invisible egg’.) And not only are there names nonsensical but they don’t talk back and isn’t that just sad. My real invisible friends talk back to me, at least…

    Jena recently posted Wicked Hot.

  50. 50
    Anonymous

    I wish I had imaginary friends…

  51. I was an imaginary friend once upon a time. I became so distraught once I found out I wasn’t really real& cried & cried & wished I could become a real girl. Then a fairy made my wish come trur. Then I grew up & became a truck driver. I don’t want to be grown up & real any more. Anyone seen that fairy lately?

    Shannon recently posted Ride Along.

  52. I spent the better part of the morning in the Lego store building Lego people and making up back stories for the torsos in the bin that had only one arm. I put heads and feet on them so they could be as whole as possible. Leaving one-armed torsos on the table seemed a little heartless. After all, they’ve already lost an arm in strange Lego-related accidents.

  53. In a world where Farmville users think they are real farmers, this does not surprise me.

    alaina recently posted Cleavage Evolution..

  54. These might be better than deep fried Twinkie’s … http://food2eat.wordpress.com/2012/02/10/cheesecake-eggrolls/

  55. Would imaginary prosthetic legs help at all? We could help clap for them like for TInkerbell.

    Korinthia Klein recently posted Crazy Mixed-Up World.

  56. I should totally sell off my used imaginary friends. Except my imaginary friends weren’t like made up in my head. They were characters from books I had read. So, I guess I would be selling off a used Paul Atreides/Muad’dib (the Kyle Maclachlan version) who has a crush on me. And enjoys chocolate. And thinks the Lord of the Rings trilogy is a load of crap and that Aragorn is a pussy. HELLO? Who needs a sword called Anduril when you’ve got The Voice AND you’re the Kwisatz Haderach?!?

    You know what? Forget it. He’s mine. I’m keeping him.

    Coal Miner's Granddaughter recently posted Dialog, Part 33.

  57. You should check out _Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends_. Best. Cartoon. Ever.

  58. Cheesecake eggrolls……nom nom nom….Someone make this a thing like right now! I have imaginary friends, sort of – if my metal chicken counts. You met her in Charlotte….Lindsay Lohan, the “fresh out of chicken rehab” chicken. I talk to her all the time, she’s such a smart ass too. I have 2 rubber duckies that ride with me in my car all the time too, they’re my imaginary BFF’s – they love me.

    karen recently posted Road Trip to Charlotte tomorrow....meeting The Bloggess!.

  59. I also read buy fake flowers on twitter and thought huh? f.b. farmville whack jobs do it all the time. Then I reread it and still thought huh? Obviously I don’t tweet.

    Sadly I have never had an imaginary friend either, apparently I lack imagination or something because the thought has never occurred to me. And this realization makes me incredibly forlorn and sad.

  60. LOVE IT. Though I have only 8 followers on twitter last I checked… I could use some fake friends… can you forward that email to me?

    Keaven Neely recently posted Reflecting.

  61. They have cheesecake eggrolls at Del Taco… they call them Caramel Cheesecake Bites (they are so good I can’t even order them because I’d eat them WAY too often), but I like your name better.

  62. When I was a little kid I always pretended I had a wrist communicator (like the one Michael Knight had on Knight Rider to talk to KITT) that let me talk to my stuffed animals (who were like my gang and they provided protection from all imaginable foes). Whenever I felt nervous I could talk to them or push a button on my wrist to let them know I needed help. Even as an adult, that thought still lurks in the back of my mind and is reassuring in intimidating situations. Because, really, who is going to fuck with a teddy-bear gang?

    Methodique Boisson recently posted Harvey Milk Day, in a rare burst of seriousness.

  63. Rule 34. Just sayin’.

  64. I have imaginary pets because I don’t have the time for real ones…same thing right?

    Ashley recently posted We're All Mad Here..

  65. A more fiscally responsible route is to just create Twitter accounts for all of your imaginary friends and have them follow you. A side benefit is that you can steal all of the really great handles, like “@peglegparty” and “@jezebelcantstandU.”

    kaela recently posted Use It or Lose It! Ancho Braised Beef Tacos.

  66. Shin pads? Sounds like your imaginary friends need metal shoes! Possibly with encased metal leggings. I am imagining them whole with all their legs though. Imagination. It’s a powerful, healing thing.

  67. Everyone else read “fake flowers” and I read “cheeseburger eggrolls”, which I think actually exist…but clearly do not taste as good as cheeseCAKE eggrolls!

  68. another nod for foster’s home for imaginary friends. the premise is a home for imaginary friends whose creators don’t need them any more, of course they’re all awesome in some way. then there’s the one friend who the kids isn’t ready to give up but the mom is like oh no get him out of here. anyhow, find it, watch it, laugh out loud, repeat.

  69. Twitter is weird as hell. It’s also sort of badass.

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Sometimes, being an evil genius is just fucking…evil-genius-y..

  70. I’m putting my imaginary friends to work – I’m using them to write fiction. That way, they earn the right to hang around.
    Cheesecake eggrolls – omg!

    Denise Malloy recently posted Joy in Mudville.

  71. Laughed out loud reading your book. I was cleaning the cat litter and was thinking that my cat is a genius because when he poops outside the litterbox he goes and finds a piece of paper and lay it on top of the poop. Like he can fool me. I was sad he was neutered because perhaps he could have spawned other brilliant cats. Then I started thinking that perhaps neutering practices have inhibited natural selection in the cat species and that possibly, if human had not interfered, we could have cat personal assistants.

  72. I had a fake imaginary friend. Yes, I totally made up that I had an imaginary friend. Does that even make sense? I told people that I had an imaginary friend, but I really didn’t. His name was Bernard, or would have been, if he’d been a real imaginary friend…Wow…that makes me sound crazier than normal.

    As for the fake Twitter followers…why would you want to buy them? I get notices all the time that so-and-so is now following me on Twitter and I haven’t even been on Twitter in…years. (Usually it’s some hot chick who wanting to hook up….which makes me think I probably need to log in and see if I need to block anyone. I’d hate for someone at my kids’ school to look me up and think I’m looking to ditch my husband for a girl.) Anyway, hard to believe that if you actually tweet stuff, you don’t have enough followers…

  73. Why am I suddenly (and painfully) reminded of the movie Drop Dead Fred?

    <3,
    -J

    Jess Haines recently posted Whoops! A Belated Friday Funnies — On Monday.

  74. Here is another source for cheesecake egg rolls (Google is your friend…well, except when it is trying to suck all your personal information into their server farm): http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/deep-fried-cheesecake-recipe/index.html

  75. 75
    Gina Marie

    There is a great web series staring a famous soap star titled Imaginary Bitches. No lie, she has imaginary friends and they are total BITCHES. I laugh out loud watching it. Be sure to watch them in order. Here is the first one..

    Enjoy!!

    Gina Marie
    (I met you in Manhattan, woo too).

  76. How about making Twitter accounts for all your imaginary friends, THEN have them follow you? At least that way, you would know who all these fake Twitterers are.

    Also, one day all social media will combine in one enormous conglomerate called YouTwitFace.com.

    Jules Cox recently posted Oh Hai!.

  77. I think my imaginary friend would have a missing finger or two. It would make for an interesting story, telling people about the time Jackie got tangled up in the Italian mafia.

    Amanda recently posted jurassic park: the only possible wedding theme.

  78. I read that as “fake flowers” for some reason and then the whole story made no sense. I was wondering what in the hell fake flowers had to do with Twitter, imaginary friends and garbage disposals. I re-read it and realized that it was “fake followers”, which makes slightly more sense in regards to Twitter, imaginary friends and garbage disposals.

  79. I’ve always suspected I would lose a digit/limb to our garbage disposal. That thing freaks me out.

    Emily Guy Birken recently posted Overthinking the Clean Up Song.

  80. I bet the people who buy twitter followers are also the people who bought their friends in college (aka sorority). Oooohh… too harsh?

  81. Please tell me you’ve seen Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends.

    “It’s hoooootttt in Tooopeka. Hot toe picker! Picky my toe it’s hot!”

    youtube “hot in topeka bloo”

  82. damn I need more imaginary friends. Specifically someone to eat cheesecake eggrolls with, because everyone needs to eat cheesecake eggrolls. And wait, everyone doesn’t have imaginary friends? Who do they talk to all day?
    Oh, and the garbage disposal is the scariest thing in the house. By FAR. just ask the numerous spoons who have been tortured and twisted in it….

    Michele C. recently posted K is for Knowing.

  83. I had imaginary friends growing up. Two sisters who used to have a brother, but he died by being impaled on those V-shaped things that stick up on top of chain-link fences. HIs name was M&M.
    Looking back I wonder why my parents weren’t alarmed that I was killing off my imaginary friends’ siblings.
    Or maybe they were alarmed, but they were just scared of me…..

    dysfunctional mom recently posted A First of Many Firsts.

  84. But if you sell all your imaginary friends, you will eventually run out, and there goes your business. First, you should really establish an imaginary breeding program. If you can establish a self-sustaining imaginary population, you have a much sounder basis for a business based on controlled imaginary sales.

    Kathy V. recently posted An Indirect Love Letter.

  85. I know I’m not all that into social media, even though I have a blog, facebook and twitter account. But buying followers just sounds dumb.

    That said, buying imaginary friends is totally full of awesomesauce.

    Jaime recently posted Soccer didn't help me lose weight because I ate two dinners every night on account of all the running.

  86. How does one know if her friends are imaginary or real? I probably need medication.

    Mary recently posted Shuga’s.

  87. Also first read it as fake flowers… I just don’t understand why someone would want to do that. Does having a lot of followers really make you feel better about yourself? Maybe I am just old and boring…
    P.S. You have awesome imaginary friends. Or are they your imaginary employees since you are selling them (renting them?) Is this imaginary friend slavery?

    Rebecca recently posted Museo de la Miel aka the Bee Farm!.

  88. Sounds like Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. If you did not watch that cartoon, you have to! There’s a Big Lebowski episode.

  89. Twitter is a very strange creature. People trying to buy followers is an example of feeding the creature in order to make it bigger without looking at what you are feeding it. This can only lead to disaster when the villagers come to check out why half their village is now gone.

    If you only feed your monster high fat, low protein followers it is going to get sick and die.

    Basically I’m saying that people who buy twitter followers are A) silly and B) probably terrible pet owners.

    Andrew recently posted Kings and Credits.

  90. This is not a new concept. Dead Souls, by Gogol was published in 1842 and is a funny Russian book about selling the titles of dead peasants so you can seem more important to your neighbors. If you thought the Russians didn’t have a sense of humor, well you are right, but this guy is the one exception. Gogol would have loved your imaginary friend selling idea…

    Lala recently posted Conversations with a Boy.

  91. Totally unrelated to this post, I wanted to tell you that I just read the part in your book where you have to use a machete with the vultures out back, and then I had a dream about cutting off someone’s head with a machete. But it was like a really good dream – if that makes any non-gruesome sense. . .

    Sooo. . . thanks?

    Melanie recently posted Text Battle.

  92. My daughters call my online friends my imaginary friends. They seem to think that I have the time and energy to make up profiles and then to have long conversations with my alter egos on skype. Do you think that is what Sybil would have done had she lived now?

  93. My imaginary dog ran off with my imaginary friend. It was a sad day.

  94. That is a great idea actually… BTW, I’m finishing up your book and LOVE IT! Laughed so hard that I was crying…multiple times.

    Marisa @ Where's the party? recently posted I've always wanted to say, "BUT, my psychic SAID SO!".

  95. ‘Legs in the garbage disposal’ makes me wince in imaginary sympathy pain AND think of that ‘pink slime’ meat product at the same time. I have a deep-seated fear of garbage disposals…maybe I am an imaginary friend and this fear is justified? And on the subject of fear…I still haven’t read your book yet which I own and had you sign. I am such a chickenshit.

  96. I’m a little confused… But then I’m always a little confused after reading your posts. Funny stuff. Kinda curious how they lost their legs…

    NewMommyConfessions (@NewMommyConfess) recently posted Themed Care Package Fun - Mess Deck Survival Kit.

  97. But how does one price the imaginary friend? Is the discount based on limbs lost or on the fact that they are used and have been ditched by someone else?
    Its very problematic to properly price, I would imagine.

  98. My house is full of imaginary boyfriends. Fewer arguments about toilet seats that way.

    Also, now I want cheesecake.

  99. OMFG, cheesecake eggrolls exist?? HOLY SHIT. There is a God.

    Banana Stickers recently posted For the love of chocolate baby jesus, can someone please bring me a hamburger?.

  100. 101
    The Other Jamie

    Confession time. I don’t have imaginary friends. I have imaginary enemies. Who I am very passive-aggressive with.

  101. 102
    Cpt Pants

    My house is full of imaginary/invisible animals that have personality and habits. The bunnies are the cause of farts (sounds and smells) (it started out as two, Sprinkles and Tickles, but it turns out it’s really hard to keep invisible bunnies from doing what bunnies do – can’t kick them apart when they start with ‘the humping’ – so you get LOTS of invisible bunnies). The invisible giraffe (Gerome) likes car rides (especially when there’s a sun roof) and to snuggle up under your chin and grab other people’s butts. The giraffopus (giraffe octopus hi-bred named Al) likes to cuddle under your chin so you think it’s Gerome until the tentacles attack and start with the tickling. And the elephant (the most recent addition to this invisible menagerie) pinches other people’s butts. So I guess my point is that if you are looking to add an imaginary pet department to your new business, I’m your girl.

  102. Are they still imaginary if you can see them and you’ve named them and you trip over them on your way to the bathroom? Or if they eat the last of your chocolate? Or are always leaving a trail of glitter across the bedroom floor?

    Because my posse of imaginaries has been making a big happy mess of my life for a while and if someone wants them to FOLLOW them on Twitter, well, Praise James Garfield, there’s a JOB FOR THEM! My own new little special TWITCIRCUS!

    I’ll share the profits, promise. xo

    nakedjen recently posted My Horn Itches.

  103. I can’t tell if I feel vindicated for making imaginary friends for other people. Or just proves that I am slightly crazy. Either way, I am so glad I’m not the only that does this. Thanks Jenny!

  104. Fake followers would end up being as big of a pain in the ass as imaginary friends.
    Or children. My son has 4 imaginary brothers: Kevin, Guido, Mario, and the Polish one, Stansty. They need a lot of fucking shit, and unfortunately are all lazy asses so they don’t go to school with him, they just hang around the house and eat all my imaginary food so that I have to eat the real thing.

    Its their fault that I’m fat.
    Don’t get imaginary followers. Seriously.

    Jenn recently posted No Separation Anxiety Here.

  105. Some days I think I should have had imaginary children. Today is not one of them. Yet.

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted A Poem I Wrote When I Was 10.

  106. There was a cartoon that didn’t last very long but my family LOVED IT! Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. It was where the friends went when the kids outgrew them. It. Was. Awesome. Most of the them were, um, imperfect, like Victoria’s Secret bras you find in TJ Maxx for $2 because they have “irregularly sized” titty cups. The 2 yr old seems to have created a friend name Big Mike who lives in the lights in every room of our house. I’ve tried to explain to him that Big Mike should come away from the light lest he wind up the opposite of Carol Anne and those damn halogens get hot, son, Big Mike’s gonna burn his butt and who’s going to bandage that because if your father were to become ill enough for me to have to bandage his ass I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to do that so if you bring me Big Mike’s ass needing Neosporin and gauze I’m just not gonna be able to help him and he’ll die from unmedicated butt burn so again, get him the fuck down from there. He’s making imagination hard on everybody.

    Arnebya recently posted This Is How I Feel.

  107. 108
    Laura Symons

    I heard a talk by Jeane Twinge who wrote the Narcissism Epidemic and she said that people can now rent their own paparazzi to follow them around asking questions and taking pictures. After hearing that, buying twitter followers doesn’t seem so wierd. American culture has jumped the shark.

  108. I think you should throw the first imaginary friend mosh-pit party… on twitter. Once people start buying the imaginary friends, you can sell these imaginary friends tickets. But they need to bring their own shin pads, of course.

    Expat-Mom (Sarah) recently posted Germans and Nudity – Is it so blasé?.

  109. Since you’re an expert on garbage disposals can you come install my new one? It’s been sitting in its box on the dining room table for over a month.

    Naomi recently posted The hatred of Marie-Loise Pailleron.

  110. I would like to work for your Imaginary Friends R Us business, if you’ll have me. Here’s a sample of my work:

    - Imaginary-Buckin’ Bronco Jack, a limited edition rodeo clown who will ride your cats all over the house, much to your cats’ slightly annoyed resignation.

    - Imaginary-Fireman Joe, a friendly fireman who will be there to put out all the accidental fires you start. He has a lot of pyrotechnic knowledge and can also help you start intentional fires, if that’s more your thing.

    - Imaginary-Lula, a woodland fairy who is 25% off because I accidentally left her in my jeans pocket and washed the jeans. I guess her wings were dry clean only ’cause they’re gone. Now she’s basically just a very tiny person with anger management issues. I’m SORRY, Lula, okay? I don’t know what else you want me to say. Now stop throwing toothpicks at me like they’re spears.

    Let me know what you think. I will accept payment in the form of cheesecake eggrolls.

    Jillian recently posted Shhh, don’t worry. The Arrogant Douche Police won’t arrest you for liking your own books. You might get fined for the goatee, though..

  111. Yeah, cheesecake eggrolls are obviously amazing. Fake Twitter followers is not.

    Also, I’m reading your book right now. I just finished the chapter with the squirrel puppet (and subsequent raccoon). I was laughing so hard that it distressed the Doberman, who thought something was wrong with me.

    Jen recently posted The Gross Things We Give Our Dogs To Eat.

  112. I think I’ve figured out Twitter. You just say really controversial vulgar things and people LOVE IT. Followers will flock to you in droves.

    Luda recently posted “I looked like a pregnant doll.”.

  113. 114
    Phil Rudolph

    Just love the way your mind works.

  114. So, I am REALLY bad at twitter, but I do have an account and I got imaginary followers without doing anything. They sort of look like Playboy Bunnies, but I didn’t have to pay them or even actually tweet anything and they still started following me. They seem to come free with the old Twitter account.

    I just got your book and stayed up half the night reading it. I was in bed laughing so hard I had to get up and run into the bathroom so I wouldn’t wake my husband up. I haven’t laughed that hard in a while so thank you for making my life way better than it was a couple of days ago when I didn’t have your book yet.

  115. I had an imaginary friend named Bobby when I was five, and whenever I’d fuck up and get in trouble, I’d wait until my parents left and then I’d blame him and get him in an imaginary headlock and punch him in the face until I was sure he was bloody and nearly unconscious. True story. I imagine it was like a mime performing a drunken brawl scene.

    The RB

    TheRealBarman recently posted Hook Me Up Mr. Bartender.

  116. You should totally come up with imaginary friends that have all kinds of odd things about them. I would buy one! She might make me feel better about hiding in the closet from the cleaning people. Shit I think maybe I sound a little crazy there, I can’t help it if cleaning people are judgey.

    Sayuri Black recently posted Attack of the Dust Chasers or Why I Will NOT Have a Maid.

  117. My daughter used to have imaginary friends. Did you know that when your imaginary friends reach the age of 13, you kill them off…but have no fear…they come back to life. Apparently, my child has zombie imaginary friends…way cool…huh?

  118. I am sitting at my desk laughing my ass off. And since I do not have “anyone” to share with, I naturally had to start telling Barbara the story – she loved it, natuarlly as she is imaginary. She sits at the desk in front of me that sounds like a spaceship is taking off every hour or so – she lvoes it. Says she feels like an astronaut launching to space as we sit in our lovely IT office – what a great imagination she has…
    Much love,
    B

    B. in the Know recently posted Break Free….

  119. 120
    Princess Judy

    I’m so over imaginary friends. What I would like are some fake relatives. They can call all the offices around mine in a panic saying how they need me to come right away and rescue them from various mishaps (stuck in the garbage disposal works). They can become very ill. They can die. They can have the dying wish that I scatter their ashes in Maui. All my colleagues have huge families they always have to tend to. I feel left out. Although having no family commitments for holidays rock, that’s why I only want fake relatives.

  120. 121
    Karen L.

    Hold the phone, I could have been making money off all the ideas for imaginary friends I’ve had? Son of a bisquit!

  121. I agree with XLMIC that garbage disposals are scary. I’ve seen too many horror movies where someone gets a hand ground off in one. (But no legs. Why would you be standing in the sink? And you would need to have skinny legs).

    My bigger fear is wood chippers. They are like industrial sized garbage disposals. Those things chew up trees. Bones would be like dessert.

    When I was a kid i had imaginary ranch hands to take care of the imaginary herd of horses I owned. I wonder what happened to them?

    Sue recently posted Dogs and squirrels, enemies or playmates?.

  122. Love when you update the blog while I am reading your book, it is double the laughs!

    laurel recently posted Children's Classic Literature- Kalia's Library.

  123. I applied for a position as an imaginary friend shortly after I lost my job. When I found out in the second interview that they were going to expect me to lose a limb in the course of performing my duties, I decided to pass on the opportunity. After all I’d already lost my self-respect, dignity, and moral compass in my previous positions. The only way for me to maintain a semblance of life balance is to keep all my limbs.

    Jonah Gibson (@aimlessjonah) recently posted Five Things to Consider before You Click 'Like' on a Political Post.

  124. I can’t wait to see these in your store! Don’t even try to pretend you haven’t thought of it

    Kim recently posted What Was That Guy Thinking?!.

  125. My munchkin has about 300 imaginary friends that she doesn’t play with anymore. Is there like a Good Will or something for imaginary friends where we can just drop them off and take the tax write off?

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  126. I don’t know why but I keep reading “cheesecake eggrolls” as “cheeseburger eggrolls”, both of which sound delicious.

    I follow my imaginary friends around like an anthropologist and write down everything they do. I hope to publish a book about them and get them a reality show. I think I’ll call it The Real Housewives of Imaginarius.

  127. I don’t think I can explain how much wasted time I could devote to this task. When you start the business, please hire me!!

    Becky recently posted Things I wish I had pictures of...

  128. Alright… it’s confirmed. Reading your blog is an addiction. :)

    Cheryl recently posted Geek Girl....

  129. I read over half of this post with the word “flowers” instead of “followers”. It adds a bit of fancy to the story. You should try it.

  130. 131
    Ami kennedy

    It’s like a fucking invisible mosh-pit in here- fave.line. ever…I’m going to sneak that sentence into somewhere this week. You gave me a mission…so thanks!

  131. This post was even more awesome when I though the first line was that “I just got an email about buying fake flowers on twitter”. There’s a business idea for you :)

    Hidesy recently posted Eucalypse.

  132. Holy crap! What kinda use would anyone have for fake twitter followers???

    tokenblogger recently posted The Darling Husband….

  133. Dude, that is the BEST IDEA EVER. I write fiction… So my imaginary friends go and live with every reader…
    Thus, I SELL IMAGINARY FRIENDS!
    I found a way to win at life! Thank you!

  134. Yeah, hi. You are effing funny. This is about the time I start sweating through 2 layers trying to come up with a comment that can even sit on the same page as your brand of funny. I’m just going to step out quietly while no one’s looking.

    Melisa Lunt recently posted drinking coffee and eating crow.

  135. That’s it. With all these fake imaginary friends losing their legs, I’m going into business selling fake imaginary wooden legs. I’ll be fakey-rich in no time. Wee!

    Ps! Fake Imaginary Pirate legs arrr half price.

    PPS! I’m so with you on the cheesecake and eggrolls :D

    Cara(Eli) recently posted S'not funny. I've got a cold.

  136. 137
    Procrastinateher

    Gosh, I read that as fake Flowers, not followers.

    That’s even sadder.

    All these people should just buy fake pets instead. Much more fulfilling – and they have something to focus their little imagination on!

    It’s kind of obvious when somebody has a lot of fake followers anyway. I don’t even follow the Real Celebrities; when I used to twit, I followed funny people such as yourself and Amelia Bedelia.

  137. As always, the lesson you leave us with is priceless beyond words! Thanks you!

    a Book for My Daughter recently posted A Dream Realized: Opening Our Own Store.

  138. I liked to by liked, for real. Buying followers on Twitter just wouldn’t do the trick for me… unless, of course, some of them ended up liking me…. hmmmmm maybe I should reconsider ;-)

    Lady in Red recently posted *.

  139. You can buy twitter followers… you can buy fake reviews on amazon and you can buy fake ANYTHING I think…

    Shiloh Walker recently posted An open letter to The Story Siren.

  140. Newt Gingrich had fake Twitter friends and well, we all know how that worked out for him. He, however, doesn’t deserve a no-legged Jezebel who would’ve insisted that he needed another treat. In fact, if I had to make up fake friends for Newt I would quit my imaginary dream job.

  141. why in the world would people PAY for twitter followers? ..all you have to do is tweet stuff about products and you get spam followers.

    Jaime recently posted jumping on the LOVE bandwagon.

  142. Winner Winner Legless Chicken Dinner!

  143. i need to get rid of my imaginary friends because they are real assholes and usually tell me i’m worthless. do you have any for sale that are nice and like to give compliments? i’m not picky about height or hair color. thanks.

    Simone recently posted Just a slob like one of us?.

  144. Shin pads? Why not leg armor? Which would also be more aesthetically pleasing. And safer. And….can you sell me some of your imagination?

    Jo recently posted Is It a Fine Line, or Is It Hypocrisy?.

  145. And *my* dream job is to make prosthetic limbs for the used imaginary friends you sell to people without imaginations. Pretty sure this is a million-dollar idea. We could make an arm and a leg.

    alonewithcats recently posted Jenny Lawson’s book, I AM IN YOU.

  146. 147
    Cactus Sally

    Imaginary Friends…it’s the New Black. “Does this imaginary friend make me look fat?”

  147. I am still trying to come to grips with with my recent discovery that Winston Churchill is indeed dead and not following me on Twitter. It was almost as painful as the revelation that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.

    Damn this social media and the incessant need of people to educate me with their evil Facebook ways.

    Jack@TheJackB recently posted Can You Write a Funny Post.

  148. I know of a blogger who claims to have bought fake Twitter followers. I guess it makes you look more popular and everybody wants to be at that party, right? I don’t buy Twitter followers cause I’m too cheap. I dig the way your brain works. All over the freaking place. I’m not alone. Good to know. Oh, and I saw a snow cone machine today and thought of you. ;)

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Disney and Pixar Are Playing With My Emotions.

  149. I lost my imaginary friend. I didn’t give it a second thought.

  150. I always like to pretend that my ex-imaginary friends are stalking me. Mostly because they are. And they drive government issued vehicles. Because we ALL know what happens to imaginary friends that aren’t wanted anymore.

    THEY BECOME MOTHERFUCKING SPIES FOR THE CIA!!

    With a personal vendetta against me. And all because those bitches didn’t play fair when it came to freeze tag. Anyway, I always lose them on my way home. Bitches will never catch me.

    Hugs!

    Val

    Valerie recently posted Harry Potter Land is my Jerusalem.

  151. I can’t figure out the random spammy Twitter followers. Some of them seem legit, but why the hell are they following me? I think I’d rather have interesting imaginary followers with no legs.

    Reanna recently posted Are You a Fucking Doctor?.

  152. I’m mostly alarmed that people think they have to *pay* for fake followers. I get plenty for free every time I tweet about porn or vacuums or porn vacuums.

    Sarah Elizabeth recently posted Adventures in Boston.

  153. 154
    E M Foster

    Your poor imaginary friends!! I’ll bet the doctor bills from losing all those imaginary limbs is outrageous!! You should totally have a telethon to raise money to help them pay for everything.

    Seriously, Jenny, I have to again say that I love your brain!! :-D

  154. I must be a truly boring, depressed being as I don’t ever remember having imaginary friends. Mind you, I had four brothers and two sisters to keep me amused so who needed imaginary friends! My home was already crowded enough!!!! But I want the imaginary friends to consider myself interesting!!!!

  155. I love the idea of selling imaginary friends. Its the 2012 version of the pet rock, only no rock!

    Corey Feldman recently posted Egret Meets Sam’s Family.

  156. For years I was convinced that my husband’s best friend was imaginary, because I never met the guy. Whenever he was meant to come to an event he conveniently couldn’t make it at the last minute. Then one time, after we’d been together, oh, three years, this guy showed up at our house and Brad proudly introduced him and said “See – he’s real” and I dismissed him instantly.

    “Whatever. That guy’s just a Rent-A-Friend” and then they were both like “A what?!” and I said “When you don’t have any real friends, you can hire people to come to parties and pretend to be your friends” and they were like “You’re crazy.”

    But also I could see that Brad was thinking “That’s the best idea ever” and his friend was thinking “Uh-oh, she’s onto me.”

    It’s a pretty good Rent-A-Friend company though. They obviously remember Brad and keep sending the same guy back, so it really looks like his friend is the same guy, and he doesn’t have to keep explaining about how he had facial reconstruction surgery. He even had fake stories to tell when he made a speech at our wedding. He’s definitely earning his wages, that guy.

    Queen Gen recently posted The Iron Monger; or The strange man from Canada.

  157. Are the imaginary friends really amputees or have they been photoshopped to look like the amputees on the amputee porn site that you have referenced? Hmm….

  158. Wait.

    Back that fucking truck UP.

    Cheesecake eggrolls?!

    ::dies::

  159. My husband does not let me use the garbage disposal anymore. It’s probably for the best, now that you’ve pointed out how easily one can lose a leg to those things. My problem was mostly too many potato peels, spoons and glass marbles… all things garbage disposals apparently hate. And then there was that time I had to fish my wedding rings out of it with chop sticks…

    Vanessa recently posted Somebody needs to tell him....

  160. 161
    Wendy Wyatt

    See! These are the kind of ideas you need to be talking to the president about! We must convince your friend Matthew Broderick to invite you to his dinner with Obama! The universe wants this, trust me.

  161. 162
    Coleen B.

    I not only shared this on my facebook page – but also shared it w/ my friend. She is the one friend who would totally get the whole imaginary friend business – especially if they are special needs imaginary friends. And who doesn’t need a friend? Except maybe mean people…….no – even mean people need friends – real or not.

  162. I remember somehow getting in trouble in 3rd grade because my imaginary friend had sex with someone else’s imaginary friend. I don’t think I actually knew what sex was though…

  163. My favourite imaginary friend was Camille, who was a real bitch and didn’t really want to play with me. Lately it has been Sabrina, who thinks I need to suck it up and stop talking to other people… I am really, REALLY bad at picking my imaginary friends.

    Nat recently posted Fashion interpreted.

  164. 165
    shegottheshine

    can you and everyone listen to this for me…

  165. I wonder how much each one costs per follower. And if they’re offended at their worth.

    Mayor Gia recently posted In Another Episode of Weird Pictures that Have No Context....

  166. How about Rita – the girl you knew who used to babysit the kids down the road until one day the dad came home early and the mom caught them in a compromising position and now Rita has to get a real job…

    Does that work or have I just outlined the plot to a porn film? Probably the first because in porn the mom would have joined in.

    beccaann recently posted Oscar de la Renta – Resort 2013.

  167. 168
    LibraryGirl62

    Where can I get a recipe for cheesecake eggrolls?????

  168. And THAT’S why I don’t have a garbage disposal.

    Brenna recently posted I really need to put a hamper in the bathroom.

  169. Two of my children are imaginary. We could only afford one child but we didn’t want our Sweetpea to be lonely. And you know how people bitch about only children being spoiled. So Van is her fake brother and Sadie is her pretend sister. No labor pains, no milk boobs. Sometimes they fight, and Sweetpea is all – I’m the only REAL child – but I think a certain amount of sibling rivalry is normal in big families.

  170. Can my imaginary mosh pit have imaginary pets? You know, the ones with the wheels instead of legs.

    Kat recently posted Twangs are for accents not backs.

  171. 172
    Lisa Basham

    You are weird. I like that.

  172. Amazing!! Jenny you are a woman who just makes the world a happier and more wonderful place–I love your mind!! Thanks for making me laugh so easily!!

    Heather recently posted Quite a week (lots of pictures--but not of the house).

  173. This was totally pioneered in Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. Except they GAVE them away. So you were beat to the punch by an 8 year old (great) cartoon. So now you’re gonna be the big evil adults out for a profit? I’m shocked!

    Seriously though, this cracked me up!

    Mike recently posted antiavenger: Nothing more creepy than going thru sports card collection and finding Rae Carruth rookie card....

  174. I hurt my throat laughing.

    Kathleen recently posted Saloon Girl.

  175. When I was a kid, my imaginary friend was this yellow teddy bear named Damian, which my parents thought was stupid since I actually had a yellow teddy bear named Damian. And then I saw The Omen. I ran to my dad and asked him if he thought I should rename the Damian and he told me that I should probably sleep with one eye open and keep a bat by my bed.

    Parents keep you on track.

    dumb {squared} recently posted Don't worry - I'm not opening an investigation agency anytime soon.

  176. I’d never buy imaginary friends for twitter. Though, I do like having them around the house. They’ll pretend-clean for me if I ask nicely. I have one, I’m teaching how to make hand-cranked ice cream. I’ll tell them to watch their legs. Thanks for the tip!

    Mary, QoE recently posted Lapping the Miles.

  177. Where do you guys come up with this stuff? OMG, you were so made for each other! LOL! I love your conversations (and you)!

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  178. It’s a good thing that I am my own imaginary friend. Or am I?

    Holly Folly recently posted You Have Won this Round Google..

  179. Mmmmmm, cheesecake egg rolls……where can I get some of those…my mouth is watering!!!

  180. Can I interest you in “safety bubbles” designed specifically for imaginary friends?

    (As for buying fake followers on Twitter, I am currently unable to follow any more people on Twitter until I get more followers–hence I need some more imaginary friends…which I would like to buy with some imaginary money.)

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted My current project list.

  181. This reminds me of Drop Dead Fred… Love that movie!

  182. Of all my imaginary friends, you Jenny Lawson are my favorite. Probably because of that time I dared you to pants the really uptight police officer and you did. It was unfortunate that none of my other imaginary friends could bail us out but good old Chaz Huffenpuss did manage to sneak in wine slushies while visiting us with his “seeing-eye” dog – Snyder the wonder schnoodle. Ah, good times.

  183. OMG I can’t breathe. Your imaginary friends are dangerous.

  184. Nice to see someone other than myself has an imagination and a sense of humor. I had no idea I could sell my imaginary friends! Can the voices in my head be sold too? That would clear up some traffic jams I’ve been having in their. Please let me know if this is possible!

    Melynda recently posted We spoke.

  185. You can sell off my old imaginary friends if you like. I don’t need them any more. I’ll give you a seller’s commission (percentage negotiable). These were they (my actual imaginary friends from childhood):
    Hannah – pretty much a regular kid. Surprisingly good at Snakes and Ladders. Able to have multiple birthdays, whenever the visible friend feels like cake.
    Sara – Hannah’s cousin who sometimes comes to visit from out of town. She’s kind of annoying and whiney though.
    Pokey Nose – as her name would suggest, she isn’t that great at minding her own business and is not very good at keeping secrets. She’s a great scapegoat for broken breakable things and illicitly eaten biscuits.
    Cockarooster – the strong silent type. He just hangs out and watches whatever is going on. Really good at trampolining.
    Baby Apple Dumpling – a very cute baby girl who doesn’t puke, cry or require nappy changes. Sometimes messes up games of Snakes and Ladders, but usually only when Hannah is winning.
    The Boss – an invisible invisible friend. Kind of like a disembodied voice. Handy for MCing dance competitions and world championship anything matches.

    You’re welcome.

    Renee recently posted The Trampoline Song.

  186. I have a shit-ton of imaginary legs. I’ll put my peanut butter in your chocolate, vice versa, and voila, we like pina coladas and gettin’ caught in the rain with an army of nimble-limbed minions.

    Julie the Wife recently posted You’re Early For the Party!.

  187. 188
    Cedarflame

    Holy Crap the King County Library of Seattle has 267 holds on their 35 copies of your book. Your Book is in the KING COUNTY LIBRARY in Seattle….That seems like a big Effing Deal to me.

  188. 189
    Cedarflame

    Hopy Crap part 2….The Seattle Public library has 50 copies! And look at the holds…

    818.602 L445L 2012 All copies in use Availability details Holds: 312 on 50 copies Average Rating:

    312 holds…..you know maybe Seattlelites are cheap and need to go out and BUY some books…

  189. Every time someone mentions garbage disposals, I think about how a guy I know put a baby alligator down a disposal. It was already dead, but still. The alligator had lots of Twitter followers, so it seemed like kind of a waste.

    Ang recently posted Questionable Judgement: Products and Marketing Gone Wrong.

  190. The garbage disposal is very dangerous. Also, useless. Everytime I use it, I discover something else that you really aren’t supposed to put in the garbage disposal. And it backs up into the bathtub. I don’t understand plumbing at all.

  191. I wish I was limber enough to have to worry about losing my legs in the garbage disposal.

    Melissa recently posted Spell check doesn’t know how to spell ‘mammaries.’ True story..

  192. When my daughter was 3, she had imaginary friends, and they had friends that were not my daughter’s friends. I’m sure this will be relevant in therapy someday.

    She actually had an entire world of Imaginaries, and some of them met interesting ends: http://blog.imbookingit.com/2009/11/15/imaginary-friends/

    And I didn’t even go into her playing Butcher School in the back seat of the car when she realized where meat came from…. She was teaching her imaginary friends, and it was a bit… disturbing, particularly when she talked about using the cat (or its imaginary counterpart) to demonstrate.

    Laura @ ImBookingIt recently posted Review: How to Eat a Cupcake by Meg Donohue (with book club notes).

  193. Okay, it’s official. Erin P is my new imaginary friend.

    I’m very glad to hear I don’t have to pay her.

  194. I used to follow back anyone who would follow me. I’ve learned from my mistakes and will not only follow back people who appear to want to be on Twitter for the sake of being on Twitter. Gone are my days of following people with 10,099 followers and a total of 3 tweets. Or following back people who have thousands of tweets, but all of them say, “Ask me how to get 10,000 followers in a day!”

    I’m done. As it is, most of my feed is filled with people I haven’t heard of. For some reason, a lot of men in rap music are following me.

    Weird

    Cheryl D. recently posted Rolling in the Deceipt.

  195. I once lost an imaginary pet bald eagle in a freak garbage disposal accident. Kitchen safety is nothing to joke about. And I know that you know that because I know* you watched that Punky Brewster episode that exposed the dangers of locking oneself in the fridge. So don’t act like kitchen safety isn’t serious. It’s as serious as a sharp hatchet at the end of a mayonnaise-covered Slip ‘n Slide. Yes, that IS a relevant analogy. Mental Venn diagram: both involve blades, liquefied foodstuffs, and dead imaginary pets.*

    *Not because I was stalking you with my night-vision monocular but because I read that post.
    **I just sent my imaginary centaur down the Slip ‘n Slide. He died.

    NJ recently posted An Apology to My Deceased Pet Eagle (or: a Typical Day at the Office).

  196. 197
    EveEnsler'sTwat

    You think that’s bad……?…….

    My imaginary friends have imaginary friends who imagine they Tweet for a living.

  197. Hahaha. That one was funny. You are a wonderful woman with a creative mind jen!

    Sandra recently posted Cheap Chaise Lounge.

  198. I am SO jealous! Why didn’t I think of this? That would free up so much closet space where I’ve been stuffing the imaginary friends I get bored with! *sigh* This? Is why you’re awesome!

    Chris Dean recently posted Fear Less, Laugh More!.

  199. Garbage disposals can be made into snow cone machines….adult versions anyway. Check out the use of a new disposal in the construction of a margarita mixer: http://www.rtfmnow.com/SuperMixer/Assembly.html. I’m sure it could be adapted for non-alcoholic beverages as well.

    Amy recently posted Making the Most of Summer.

  200. Any time I think, for a brief moment, that I have a spark, a degree of creativity, a tiny bit of mental illness, I come to Jenny’s house…

    And I kneel to the master.

    Apologize and withdraw….

    As they say in Parliament Down Under, for some stupid reason that almost certainly involves lava floors and kangaroos.

    hogsatemysister recently posted Awesome Leaves Must Fall.

  201. 202
    Jenny Edsell

    I just finished the book…I caught myself laughing iced diet green tea out of my nose, and laughing myself into an asthma attack. Seriously, your book tried to kill me.
    But the RN in me wanted to do patient teaching on how your chemo drugs are helping your RA. You’re reaping the benefits of the side effects: they suppress your immune system. Chemo patients are extremely susceptible to infection while being treated. So…fast forward to a body whose immune system is attacking itself (ie:yours). And that is why you feel better on these drugs.
    I loved the book, and yours is the first blog I’ve ever read, even though I meant to read one after seeing Julie&Julia…I’m glad I waited…you’re the bomb.

  202. I had an imaginary boyfriend for years growing up. His name was Dennis. He was a twin who changes professions on a whim. He had both his legs. He was perfect. I haven’t seen him in years. I don’t even remember breaking up. Maybe he’s at your house? Could you take a look for me?

    Kelly recently posted Stop The Lindsanity.

  203. LOL, I am CRYING! This is gold!! I too thought it said flowers till I was about half way through the comments which had me in stitches!! Love it!
    Oh and cheesecake eggrolls. There’s that.

  204. 205
    Rowan MacBean

    I have to add another Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends recommendation, if you haven’t seen it. I also feel you would appreciate Phineas & Ferb.

  205. I want an imaginary friend, maybe they will like me better.

  206. My husband said I’m not allowed to have imaginary friends after I made him watch Drop Dead Fred. He’s afraid my imaginary friend will sink our houseboat. We don’t live on a houseboat. We have a land locked condo.

    He wins. Imaginary houseboat trumps imaginary friend with or without legs.

    Condo Blues recently posted DIY Cabinet Door Chalkboard.

  207. Funny, funny post. Funny, funny comments! Real life is always funniest. YOUR real life anyhoo.

    weezafish recently posted What's Your Kids Bedtime Routine?.

  208. I am prepared to pay you a ton of money…approximately $3.48 for my imaginary friend. It would have been more, but I had to spend the rest buying bubble wrap for my house so she keeps all her limbs.

    Nicole recently posted Romance Review: Fifty Shades Darker.

  209. I had to read that post a second time after reading comments. Initially, I thought it said fake “flowers” and I’m all, WTF is wrong with fake flowers and how did she relate that to fake friends but I went with it cuz sometimes you don’t make sense and I dig it:)

  210. I could’ve used this when I was in third grade. I had the unimpressive and uncreative imaginary friend “Me.” But at least I knew Me was imaginary.
    Though in hindsight, I did not consider the frightening psychological implications of calling “Me” imaginary. AM I EVEN REAL AT ALL?!?!

  211. Wow – imaginary friends, imaginary audiences … what’s next, IMAGINARY RACCOONS? I posited (on my blog) ordering a bunch when hubby missed ‘em out in the Back 40. Apparently Lowes lacks.( Note: LACKS, I said: not ROCKS…). I imagine imaginary friends, like imaginary raccoons, can be pretty handy. You can call on ‘em 24/7 and put ‘em neatly away when done playing…and if they don’t play fair ‘away’ can become ‘forever’ – with NO repercussions!

    Diane Donovan recently posted City Boys and Country Toys.

  212. How on earth are you going to put shin pads on legless people? I just want to know. And what happens when the imaginary friends get bored with me (as they will inevitably do, since I am inevitably boring) and want imaginary friends of their own? This is an economy that runs itself!

    Sarah B. recently posted Oh, Those 'Tween Attitudes.

  213. This post was so full of random but that’s what I love about TheBloggess! No, seriously, would someone decipher what I just read?

  214. I just received a flurry of new followers but my exterminator said they were “digger bees” so I paid to have him kill them all.

    Mrs. P recently posted Classic WPIX-TV – ‘The Magic Garden’ Opening Theme (1977) – YouTube.

  215. Have you ever watched the cartoon Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends about a home for unwanted imaginary friends? It’s pretty cute.

  216. Buying fake followers for Twitter? Is that kind of like paying Seat Fillers at the Oscars?

    Katelyn Made recently posted Week 30.

  217. I never had an imaginary friend. I did, however, make up another family. I would often say “I’m going home to my *other* family!” when I was upset. It’s almost like I wanted to claim to be adopted.

    Justine recently posted WikiLeaks Cable Reveals DynCorp Funding Child Sex Slavery in Afghanistan.

  218. this *helps* explain why my kids have imaginary parents who let them eat candy for breakfast and stay up all night. and also i kinda feel compelled to protect those imaginary parents…from my kids.

    Monica DeLaCruz recently posted Never underestimate the dangers of exercise..

  219. 220
    DarthMama

    My son had two imaginary friends who were skunks. They lived at the fire house. I’m not quite sure what happened, but there was a nasty accident and one of them died (but he may have been resurrected, since he did make a non-appearance several times after that). Anyway, if you’re selling imaginary friends, we’ve got two skunks not answering to the names of Budge and Hunkie for whom we are taking offers.

    Budge and Hunkie are quite nice, for imaginary skunks. To this day they have not sprayed our dog, unlike some of the real skunks in our neighborhood.

  220. Wait. Isn’t blogging the same as being someone’s imaginary friend?

    Dana the Biped recently posted NOT the "Bee's Knees".

  221. I think i’m one of those people without an imagination today because I’m having a really hard time picturing a reverse snow cone. would that take shaved ice and make it cubed again? I’m just so confused by the whole thing. And now i want a snowcone.

    SaraEllenAwesome recently posted Also, I’m a coward.

  222. i would guess a movie version of your imaginary friends would kick the shit outta “Drop Dead Fred”. i’m so in!

  223. So I imagine I follow you on twitter, but I don’t have a twitter account. Maybe that makes ME a fake follower? If so, please send my payment in ethically killed taxidermied alligators.
    KThanxBye!

  224. Hrm. I guess buying twitter followers would be like buying people who care about random thoughts and ramblings. Imagine if all those same fake friends were on facebook and getting 300 “likes” to such illustrious status updates as “[Name] is feeding the dog” or “[Name] just too a nap”.

    Of course if I had fake friends they’d talk to each other. And be named after my favorite literary characters. Kind of like fan fic. But facebookyer.

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted I'm back...sort of...well, getting there.

  225. I laughed because when I read “half off” I thought you meant something along the line of half-crazy. Like, she wasn’t just a little ‘off,’ but she wasn’t flippin’ nuts either. She was half off.

    Skerrib recently posted Homebirth-A-Go-Go 2012--Part II....

  226. I totally read “fake flowers” in the first line instead of “fake followers”.

    I was totally confused and waiting for the part about the flowers.

    My ego thought you were the one that screwed up until I read your p.s. and realized I was the idiot.

    Still hilarious though despite the fact that I’m a dumbass!

    Kiesha Bell recently posted Choose Me.

  227. i had an imaginary friend growing up named fransico. He was in a full body cast because he jumped off the golden gate bridge. He lived under my porch. #dark

  228. Jenny,

    This is why I love you, and bought six of your books to give to friends.

    P.S. Dooce should read this, because she’s one of the BIGGEST offenders.

  229. You probably don’t want to know about the Rent-A-Friend business we almost started back in the 80s. You know, for people who have no friends but want to throw a party. Or they have 2 or 3 friends, but want to look way more popular. With the interwebz and people’s apparent lack of social skills, it might be an idea whose time has come.

    leslie (crookedstamper) recently posted Washi Frame.

  230. 231
    marianne

    You should watch re-runs of ‘Foster’s Home FOr Imaginary Friends’ on Cartoon Network!

  231. And when you buy imaginary friends you sell your hair…………don’t buy imaginary friends………….

    Bill Dorman recently posted Excuse me, I’m talking here…part Deux….

  232. Wait, so it’s sort of like a for-profit Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends?

  233. May never use a garbage disposal again…

    On a brighter note, my Zombie Apocalypse Preparedness Plan (ZAPP) has received a lot of improvements since you encouraged us to make that a priority. You’re a saint.

    Ashleigh recently posted Panic. Attack..

  234. Jenn you are awesome! Just put the bullet points of the imaginary friends on a card, and walla! Heck, I’d buy one. (do you have any that ride disillusioned Unicorns?)

  235. I am sure someone already mentioned it but there are waaaay too many comments here for me to go find out. Anyhow – you were totally beaten to that punch years ago. Cartoon Network ran Foster’s Home For Imaginary Friends and it was all about a home for unused imaginary friends. Some of them were even missing limbs, so….

  236. I guess I’m not a people person ‘cuz when I was a kid I didn’t have imaginary friends, I had imaginary horses. (There were three of them. They were awesome.)
    Although, a few years ago my sister did mail me an imaginary boyfriend to replace the real-life imaginary boyfriend I had at the time. But I promptly forgot about him so I think he moved on. (Geez, I can’t even keep imaginary boyfriends. My dating life sucks.)

  237. Do you sell imaginary nannies that legally count as adults capable of caring for children? Or maybe a mannequin that *looks* enough like a responsible adult that it scares your kids into behaving? (You know, like the carpool lane mannequins.) If not, you should look into that. You’d make a shit ton of cash.

    Amy recently posted That's right bitches, I got hate mail!.

  238. I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks. There is SO much opportunity for expansion in the used imaginary friend business. I totally want to get in on the ground floor!

    Jillian recently posted Damn It Feels Good To Be A Hipster.

  239. In case Jezebel was interested. It’s not a eggroll, but a instead a cheese cake burrito. If she is stuck on the egg roll, you can get those with cookie dough instead:

    http://www.bluephies.com/Portals/16/BXmenudessert2010.pdf

    Hillary recently posted How in the world do I have a 1.5 year old?.

  240. 241
    Kathleen 2

    OMG… love this. Loved Queen Gen’s discussion about Rent-A-Friends. I was never ‘with it’ enough to belong to a sorority, but that’s what we called all the sorority girls! Rent-A-Friends. It’s when you can’t get any of your own, so you have to rent them. Ah, the memories!

  241. I’d like to consign Grandpa Nark and his purple horse named Larlo. I haven’t really used them much in the last 30 years.

  242. I’ll take 2 Jezebels; I’m pretty contrary, so hoping her encouraging me to eat cheesecake would turn me off on the stuff. It’s a longshot, but she’s ON SALE! I don’t have any cats, so it just wouldn’t be kind of me to get a Geraldo and leave him all bored.

    Linda recently posted Namaste.

  243. I can’t believe people buy followers, when I’ve had to pretend to be such a whore to get the ones I have!

    GirltoMom- Heidi recently posted Baby Fever.

  244. I (sort of) remember going out to the bar with a girlfriend when I was underage and having an imaginary friend at the table. We’d tell anyone who tried to take the chair or sit in it, that they’d sat on Timothy and how he was never going to buy you a drink or call you Nancy if you treated him so inconsiderately. “He said to make it up to him, you’ll need to pull down his pants and call him Mary.”
    I like that you’re hanging out with Victor so much. I can’t imagine someone more talented and super-eccentrically deserving of success. For practical purposes though, I don’t like all these people commenting. I can’t imagine you can keep up with reading all this. Shit maybe you don’t. Purple pants suit.

    Karin recently posted Day 52.

  245. 246
    gretchen diefenderfer

    I can see why you love Victor – I think I do, too.

  246. This whole conversation makes me think of Drop Dead Fred. . .that movie makes me cry every time I see it! (also – totally put me off Jack-in-the-boxes for most of my life) That scene where she goes to the psychiatrist and there’s all the Imaginary Friends in the waiting room, that is how I picture your house!

  247. I wanted to let you know that your conversational blog posts make my day. They are absolutely hilarious and I love the way you think! Keep them coming.

  248. LOL! I didn’t know this was a thing either, but I do happen to think that selling imaginary friends is an awesome idea. Maybe if I had an imaginary friend, I wouldn’t talk to my dogs so often.

    Jenn @therebelchick recently posted Foster Kitten Cuteness: IT’S SO FLUFFY!.

  249. I get emails about buying twitter followers ALL THE TIME and I’m always thinking, “What? Why? NO. STOP IT, INTERNET.”

    I may have unresolved anger toward a lot of the internet.

    This comment makes no sense. Carry on.

    Valorie recently posted I almost titled this post "a blanket roundup" which doesn't make any sense..

  250. I just heard about this blog on NPR, I am not let down!

  251. I need an imaginary friend to sick on the imagined reality of a few people. Can I buy one on twitter?

    Amanda recently posted Have you ever….

  252. Someone was trying to actually sell friendship the other day on Craigslist. http://www.constructionlitmag.com/additions/craigslist-lady-in-a-bottle $5 just to have someone follow them around and high five them. I’m glad the popular people in my high school didn’t think of that. It would have made everything worse.

  253. Someone was trying to actually sell friendship the other day on Craigslist. http://www.constructionlitmag.com/additions/craigslist-lady-in-a-bottle $5 just to have someone follow them around and high five them. I’m glad the popular people in my high school didn’t think of that. It would have made everything worse.

  254. My favorite practical joke idea, WHICH I DID NOT MAKE UP, is to turn on the blender while someone has their hand in the garbage disposal.

    Cathy recently posted We’ve Added a Water Feature to Our Backyard.

  255. 256
    nthnglsts

    Oh the future is all about imaginary friends. Can you say Siri?

  256. 257
    Plaidfox

    And this is why you weren’t hired at Cartoon Network while they were still running/creating Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends. Otherwise, they’d have to call it Jennie’s Home for Really Fucked Up but Still Loveable Imaginary Friends, and shit would get weird, fast.

    -THe eND

  257. All I have to say is… cheesecake eggrolls? Has you a recipe for those? If not, I think that needs to be fixed :-)

    Karen recently posted Into the away.

  258. Thanks for the giggle x

    Bronnie recently posted NEXT MONTH.

  259. Okay, I’m going to seem like a freak posting several months after everyone else – I’m just reading your archives trying to cheer myself up. Anyhow, there’s this cartoon called “Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends’ and it’s like a humane society for imaginary friends that kids go and adopt and I think you’d like it a lot (or possibly be mad that someone came up with the idea first – but these ones are free and you’d be selling them so completely different concepts I promise!)

    Kat recently posted Overheard at my Favorite Dive Pizza Place.

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