Last night’s New Jersey signing was wonderful and supportive and as a special surprise the super-sweet Rosie O’Donnell showed up and did my introduction!
She is more awesome than cheese and I owe her a pony, or at least a small burrito.
Tonight I’m doing the keynote address at Blogworld and I’m a nervous wreck and can’t be expect to write properly, so I’m continuing my week of shit-you-probably-never-read-because-I-wrote-it-many-years-ago.
And now…a rerun about why Morgan Freeman and I are in a fight:
Dear Morgan Freeman:
What. the. fuck?
I’ve been rocking the cat-on-the-head look since January 2010 and then “suddenly” you show up on the scene with a cat on your head and expect me to believe it’s just a coincidence? No, Morgan Freeman. No one is falling for this. Stop with all the lies.
This is exactly like that time that that German princess tried to steal my look and we had to get the king and Hitler involved except this is way worse because we’re both Americans, Morgan Freeman. We’re on the same team, Morgan Freeman. And this hurts way more than the princess thing because I thought we had something special. Remember? Nine years ago at the Houston airport when I got lost and so did you and we both turned around at the same time and almost ran into each other and you gave me this look like “Hi. I’m Morgan Freeman and I’m lost too. We’re in this together, my friend. Fight the good fight, little ninja” and then we totally had this moment that one of us never forgot that and it stayed in her heart as a special little bond until YOU TOTALLY FUCKED ME? And yes, I realize that I might be overreacting but it doesn’t change the hurt, Morgan Freeman. It’s lingering. And painful. All that goodwill you built up? Gone. I can’t even watch any Morgan Freeman movies anymore. Or movies narrated by you. Which is pretty much every movie ever made. Awesome. Now I never get to go to the movies again. Nice job, Morgan Freeman. You just ruined the entire film industry.
That-girl-at-the-airport-that-one-time-who-was-wearing-a-grey-t-shirt, I think
Updated: Okay, so apparently people have been wearing cats on their heads since Victorian times…
…but that doesn’t really count because I know from experience that balancing a dead cat on your head is super easy but balancing a live cat is a fucking talent so it’s not even close to the same thing, you guys. Plus, now that I think about it, it’s possible that the cat on Morgan Freeman’s head is dead too, which actually makes this whole debacle even worse because Morgan Freeman is one of the most talented actors of our time yet he killed a cat just so that a photoshoot would go a little easier?* Way to phone it in, Morgan Freeman. You’re dead to me.
*I don’t actually know for sure that Morgan Freeman killed a cat. But he probably did.** I mean, he doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would kill a cat but he also doesn’t seem like the kind of person who would steal an old friend’s cat-head portrait idea either so I think all bets are off now.
**When I said that Morgan Freeman “probably killed a cat” I really meant that Morgan Freeman “may or may not have killed a cat”. Obviously I don’t really have any way of knowing that. He may have just paid someone else to kill the cat. All I really know is that a cat is dead and that it’s Morgan Freeman’s fault.***
***Allegedly. Which in this case means “based on facts I may have made up or dreamt”. I’m sorry. A lot of this is just the hurt talking.
You broke my heart, Morgan Freeman.
UPDATED X 2: My friend Bekka defends Morgan Freeman using this video as evidence that possibly Morgan Freeman is the victim here: “Sometimes cats just want to be on your head and there’s nothing you can do about it, EVEN IF YOU HAVE A GUN. Cats just don’t respect authority.” Not buying it, Bekka. Morgan Freeman knows exactly what he’s doing.