If it's the weekend this must be Chicago

Today and tomorrow I’m in Chicago.  I’m doing a reading/signing today (Saturday) at the center stage at Printers Row (noon), and I’m pretty sure you don’t need a free ticket for that.  Tomorrow (Sunday) I’ll be doing a panel/signing but the tickets are sold out.  You can come and see if anyone doesn’t show though and they’ll let you in for free if they have any spots.  Until then, I’m continuing my pattern of posting reruns.  This was a favorite of mine from a few years ago:

An open letter to the people sitting next to me at the movie theater who won’t shut the fuck up

Dear woman sitting next to me while I watched Avatar:

What.

the fuck.

is wrong with you?

I can only assume that your husband is both deaf and moronic because I can’t think of any other reason why else you would feel the need to loudly state what’s going on during the movie WHILE WE’RE ALL WATCHING IT HAPPEN ON THE SCREEN. And it was weird because you both seemed perfectly fine when you first sat down next to me, aside from totally ignoring the unstated “there-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters” rule.  But then you started loudly remarking unimportant bullshit about the commercials using your normal speaking voice.  I meanpersonally, I stop talking as soon as the previews begins but I know there aren’t any formal rules about this so I tried to just ignore you.  You made it really hard though when the Clash of the Titans preview showed Zeus yelling to “Release the Kraken!” and you said, “Wow. That cracker looks like a bad-ass.”

Really? Did that just happen?  I know it did because my husband looked at me with these wide eyes like “Holy shit did you just hear that?” and technically I was actually fine with that because I knew we’d have a good laugh about it later.  Just like years ago when we were watching the trailer for Malcolm X and the dude behind us said “Who the fuck is Malcolm Ten?”  That kind of idiocy is almost worthwhile because it’s 11 years later and we’re still able to mock that guy, but sadly you peaked early and I had to watch the rest of the movie with a built-in commentary of what I now refer to as “What-Stupid-People-Are-Thinking”.

And guess what?  ShutTheFuckUpTHAT’S WHAT.  Yes, I know the main character is in a wheel-chair.  We all do.  WE’RE ALL FUCKING WATCHING IT.  It’s on a huge screen happening right in front of us right now. YOU AREN’T ADDING ANYTHING.

Just a few examples of you ruining my willing-suspension-of-disbelief…

Actual scene: A character says they’re about to seeing the famous floating mountains.  Then we see floating mountains.

You: Are those mountains floating?

Scene: Character wears a shirt.  It’s the same shirt that’s been in all of the commercials.  None of this is a surprise.

You: He’s wearing a shirt.

Scene: A three second black-out signifies the end of a big scene.  The scene takes place in broad daylight.

You: It’s nighttime now.

Scene: Incredibly-obvious villain does evil villain stuff.

You: I don’t trust that guy.

Scene: A character dies.  Every. single. person onscreen acknowledges that the character is now dead.

You: Oh.  I don’t think that person’s gonna make it.

How am I supposed to willingly lose myself in a movie when you won’t shut the fuck up? Did you know that I’ve never told anyone to be quiet in a movie theater?  True story. I just sit in silence, glowering and sighing audibly.  So last night when I turned to you and said “Really?!” it might have seemed anticlimactic but that was the equivalent of a normal person stabbing you in the head.  Honestly, even my husband was a little shocked at me.  Then when the movie ended you scurried out, probably because you guessed I was pulling Victor out after you so that I could follow you to your home and loudly explain everything that’s going on on your TV to you.  And you’d be all “Who are you?” and I’d be like “I’m here to help.  Oh, this is a good show.  It’s funny because everyone doesn’t love Raymond.  That’s the irony of this show” and you’d be like “Why are you in my house?!” and I’d be all “But then in the end you see that everybody DOES actually love Raymond.  Even though they yell at him a lot.  That’s where they trick you.”  And you’d be all “I’m calling the police” and I’d be like “THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE”.  Then Victor would probably make me leave.  But while he was pulling me out to the car I’d steal all of your silverware to make up for what everyone in our theater spent on their wasted movie ticket.  Then I’d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there.  Your cat. And then we’d be even.  Mostly.

189 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I had that happen to me a few months ago when my sisters and I went to see American Reunion. The two chicks behind us felt the need to narrate every seen, even though there is absolutely no ambiguity in that film. My sister threw popcorn at them, but they never got the hint.
    People like that just drive me crazy!

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  2. These are the kind of people that sit next to/behind me/in front of me almost every time I go to the movies! I’m a magnet for this shit!!! Have fun in Chicago!

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    Megs recently posted But Maybe I'm Crazy.

  3. HAHAHAAA! i had my first experience of going to the cinema in America a few weeks ago (I’m from the UK) and oh. em. gee.

    that is all!

    Like

  4. When I went to see the first movie in The Lord of the Rings trilogy, the gentleman directly behind me was a friggin Tolkien expert. He kept saying, in his outside voice, “this isn’t supposed to happen until chapter _____.” After twenty minutes of this, I stood up, turned around, and told his wife, “You need to put a muzzle on your bitch, or I’m breaking his fucking jaw.” The theater erupted in applause. The threat of severe bodily injury has always worked for me. Then again, I’m also 6’5″ and 295 lbs. 🙂

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  5. This is one of the several reasons I don’t go to movie theaters. This, plus the fact that they won’t pause the movie for me to go to the bathroom. They won’t rewind it if I miss some dialogue no matter how many times it yell, “Go Back!” And they don’t lay me lay in the floor.

    They seriously hinder my movie going experience.

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  6. Really? Kill her cat? Because the cat is owned by a moron? Way to go!

    (That was hyperbole. I almost never break into strangers homes to murder animals and steal silverware. Mostly bc I’m a cat person and I have enough forks. ~ Jenny, bloggess)

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  7. Yes…I love that you’re posting these older ones since I’m fairly new to the I-Love-Jenny-Lawson game. This one brings back lovely memories of a family sitting next to us in Wicked…we silently screamed at the children until we looked at their parents and realized where they learned it. Some kids don’t have a chance.

    Please decide to add a European leg to your book tour!!! There are American Military bases full of Americans🙂 And if you decide to come but can only come to ONE spot, please choose Stuttgart, Germany.

    Thanks for your cooperation🙂 And happy book signing!

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  8. 8
    E M Foster

    Wow. That post just further proves that there really are people in this world too stupid to live. I’ve been seeing most of them on the road lately. (It’s called an acceleration lane for a reason. It’s not 35 on the interstate, you shouldn’t make that your max speed on the acceleration lane!!) Too bad it’s illegal to take them out and clean up the gene pool. We just have to hope they’ll take themselves out of the pool, I guess. 🙂

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  9. I haven’t been to many theatres in my life – and therefore am so not used to them. Forget the annoying people who won’t shut up. What about the fact that you have to sit there and move your face one way… and then the other… and then back to the right… and then off to the left… just to be able to see the whole stupid screen? Also, the volume is always way too loud. I have spoken.

    Have fun in Chicago!🙂

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  10. Seriously, the amount of douchebaggery necessary to talk during a movie is staggering to me. I would think that a level that high would be toxic, but no such luck.

    I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but there is seriously no reason why you would need to talk during a movie.

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  11. Oh I loved this one! Re-runs are totally fun, not ALL of your readers have the compulsions that SOME of us do, and have gone through the archives, in order. (Only us SPECIAL few.)

    Have fun!!!

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  12. My BF got stuck next to a girl that burst into tears every time Johnny Depp was on screen, during one of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. What do you even do with that?

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  13. This is the same goddamn person that takes 25 items to the 10 items or less line at the store (and feigns innocence when told she has too many items) and bends all the pages while flipping through the latest issue of US Weekly.

    Did this happen to you in South Florida? Because I think I know this woman. I keyed her car.

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  14. It’s people like that which makes me think there is no hope for humanity (or manners). Unfortunately, we are surrounded by them.

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  15. The most infuriating thing is people who text during movies, thinking that holding their hand over the screen will somehow block out the light of a thousand suns coming off their iPhone.

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  16. Big kid is in Chicago, plating tasty desserts. Her besty is a bartender at the same restaurant. If you want a yummalicious meal, I can totally hook you up.🙂 Have fun on this last weekend of your tour.

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  17. i have a sister in law who asks stupid questions about what is about to happen in two seconds in the movie, i turn my head to her, with my eyes on the screen and nod slowly, saying ‘aaaaaaaand there it is’… but she never learns that i’m only going to wait for the movie to tell her, and she will miss it because she’s looking at me waiting for me to tell her… why she does this is God’s own secret….

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    Elaine- recently posted Coffee Time.

  18. When going to the movies, you certainly take your chances. Besides loud talkers, my favorite is when you get someone who insists on kicking the back of your seat throughout the ENTIRE show. Or people who sit in the middle of the row and then need to get up 10 minutes into the movie to do who-knows-what, so everyone has to squish their legs to the side or stand to let them pass, thus disrupting the introductory moments of the film – or inciting mass popcorn/sweets/drink spills. Just sit down, keep still and be quiet already, people!

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  19. Add me to the list of people who *haaaate* this. I went to see Titianic in 3D a couple of months ago, and there was one chick who was going through some stupid drama BS via text message and loudly hissing to her boyfriend about it, and a row of teenagers wearing *fucking glowsticks* sitting one row up and over from me who kept on giggling and chattering. Just loud enough that it’s like a gnat in your ear. I kept on throwing them glances, but to no avail. People just don’t have theatre etiquette anymore. *sigh*

    Have fun in Chicago!🙂

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  20. I have pretty much stopped going to the movies because of people like this. And the cell phones make me want to go crazy. Even if they’re not ringing or vibrating, some moron is texting and flashing the bright screen everywhere.

    I try to go to movies I just want to see on the large screen about three to four weeks after they have been out and right before they take them off. I choose an early morning or early afternoon showing, because there usually will be less people. (Every once in a while it’s like a private showing for one; love it!)

    Yet still, every once in a while, some idiot will ruin even that. I had a “Narrator” person once like the one you describe above. When I looked back, it was an elderly couple. I thought maybe the man was blind, so I didn’t say anything to the wife. When we got out into the lobby after the movie, it was very apparent that his eyesight was fine. I walked up to them and said, “Oh, sir; I’m so sorry. How long ago did you lose your eyesight?” They both looked at me like I was crazy. Then I said, “Oh, I apologize. You see, I thought you were blind BECAUSE I JUST PAID $14.00 TO LISTEN TO YOUR STUPID WIFE NARRATE A MOVIE THAT WAS HAPPENING RIGHT IN FRONT OF US FOR TWO HOURS!” They scurried off, all the while looking back as if they were afraid I was going to follow them.

    My other favorite movie is the two women who brought seven young, elementary school-age children to the theater for a showing of “Dracula”, the version with Gary Oldman. These two moronic women munched on popcorn and chatted pleasantly with each other while vampires ripped throats open after turning into scary looking creatures from hell. But the moment one of the female characters showed her breasts, these two idiot women jumped up and proclaimed in loud voices, “Children, don’t look, don’t look!” while standing between them and the movie screen. I couldn’t believe it.

    Love you as always, Jenny, and Victor as well! Sorry I missed your book signing in the Southern California area, but I recommend your book to as many people as I can!

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  21. The same thing happened to me when I watched Avatar in Australia, but with 2 teenage boys who I secretly believe were doing to piss off everybody in a 10 seat radius…. evil bastards!

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  22. 22
    Linda Sherman

    Classic. Loved the finale with the dead cat in the wall. I was excited by the opening of the ArcLight in Hollywood because they monitor for talkers. I’m sure you’ll have a great show in Chicago. Great seeing you at New Media Expo/BlogWorld keynote Thursday.

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  23. The only way this lady could have been more perfect? All of this said while cramming fist-fulls of popcorn in her mouth, chewing loudly (with mouth open) and SLURPING coke to wash it all down. (Always followed by that half-cough, half-phlem sound to clear the food particcles from vocal chords before re-starting her running dialogue!)…with the occasional wettish-burp…(I swear, you’re a Saint for not stuffing her under the seat!)
    Good luck today. *grin*

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  24. 24
    Chris/Appleton, WI

    Jenny, I SOOOOO know how this feels! Just last week I went to see ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ – sitting behind us was a mother (probably 10 years older than me) and her late teen children…. they talked and gabbed and commented through the entire movie. When an OBVIOUS thing happened (if you know the Snow White story you might be able to guess which part) I finally had enough and said loudly ‘Really? WOW!’ in the most sarcastic voice I could muster. This however did not deter them and the chatting continued…. so finally the move was over and I turned around in my seat and said ‘Hey girls, thanks for having us over’ and they all stared at me blankly like ‘huh?’ and I said, “Well you talked through the whole movie like you were at home watching it, so I figured you must live here. So, thanks.’ (oddly enough, THIS shut them up) The friend I was with was all big eyed and open mouthed because she knows that I DO NOT do confrontations and I was all ‘I paid good money to see this, they pissed me off’. They were gone by the time the credits ended (always stay through the credits, you never know when there is a fun little ‘exta’ sceen) Sorry I can’t come see you in IL (so close!!) but I am taking the kiddos to the lake for the day and while I’d rather see you…. well, you know how it goes! Have a great weekend!

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  25. Have a great time in Chicago:) I am so jealous because my sister is coming to see you today! I’m about four hours away or I would’ve come too. Have a great weekend!

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  26. Welcome to Chicago!

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  27. Growing up in Minnesota everyone was quiet. All the time really, but this included movies. I never got over the shock of the running audience commentary at the movies when I moved to NYC. This is why god made streaming Netfix.

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  28. Ugh, so close and yet so far. If I didn’t have to work today I would go down and hope for a spot in your book signing line. Have a wonderful time in Chicago!

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  29. 29
    Elizabeth

    I once had the pleasure of sitting through Sliding Doors in front of some people who seemed to have missed the entire concept of the movie at the very beginning, so they spent the rest of the film loudly wondering how Paltrow’s character kept changing her hair. Though obviously, this is one of those situations that has allowed me to mock them for years, so I guess it was a fair trade.

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  30. You should probably have taken a dumper on their dining room table too. Because then The table would be ruined forever. every fucking time they would eat at it appetites would be lost because there would be that epic flashback moment of you SHITTING ON THEIR FUCKING TABLE… probably whilst eating popcorn.

    They could never again have a dinner party… which is good since they’d have no silverware anyway.

    Well. Fucking. Played.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    Valerie recently posted I met The Bloggess and am Pregnant with our lovechild.

  31. Not nice to make someone spit out their coffee onto their Mac first thing in the morning….

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  32. I once wrote a blog post about some guy who flipped me off because of my very loving, non-offensive, Buddhist bumper stickers. In the post, I did sort of what you do and let the scene play out in a much longer, funnier, waaaay-over-thought way than it actually did in real life.

    Then my uncle was all “Why can’t you just let stuff go? Why do you have to over-think everything?”

    And I was all “Because then I’D HAVE NOTHING TO BLOG ABOUT!”

    That seems appropriate here. So thanks to the assholes who were sitting next to you for providing the rest of us with such top-notch, entertaining Bloggess over-thinking.

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  33. 33
    Jen Brooks

    Once I was one of those people, but it was brief and kind of accidental. I’m sorry the three of us laughed heartily at that one ridiculously cheesy scene towards the end of Dark City, but it WAS funny! And we shut up pretty quickly because we were actually aware of all the stink eyes directed at us. That scene still makes me laugh.

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  34. This reminds me of the time I went to see the last Twilight movie. The main character was really weak and tired, and she asked for blood. My friend conveniently said: “She must need a transfusion, she’s really bad.”

    I love her, but, seriously? A transfusion in a vampire movie?

    Like

  35. It seems Avatar brought out the crazies.
    I’m from Canada, never had a bad theater experience until Avatar.
    For some reason, the person behind me decided that she was bored and wanted to be entertained. (Because for some reason, the most awesome 3D IMAX movie ever is not entertaining enough…) So she chose to kick the back of my seat. Repeatedly. And pretend to sleep when I turned around to complain.
    This being Canada, I didn’t want to bother other people in the theater so I just glared at her every so often.
    Never understood the types who go to the movies and sleep or do something else than watch the movie YOU JUST PAID $30 TO WATCH! (Not counting the popcorn…)

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  36. She couldn’t appreciate the irony of this, or of “Everyone Loves Raymond” because to do that she’d have to know what irony is, and I am thinking not.

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  37. 37
    Lynne Thomas

    I don’t go to movie theatres. They smell funny and feel like too many people have had too many emotions in them. I love movies, though, and just wait until I can watch them on my son in law’s huge ass TV on blu-ray. He loves for me to do this since we like a lot of the same movies. I would never kill someone’s cat, Jenny, but I would trip them as they walked out of the theatre. No hyperbole. There is one theatre I will go to; it sells wine, beer, and food and doesn’t allow idiots and is for 21 yrs and older. No porn, just no kids, and it sells out every night.

    I guess I need to add regular movie theatres to the list of phobias along with clowns and Mitsubishi cars (don’t ask).

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  38. That’s is exactly why I stopped going to movie theaters. You know where I watched Avatar? In my pajamas in my bed. And all the snacks were like, way cheaper that way to.

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  39. I saw Romeo + Juliet at the cinema with my whole high school class. That one girl who with the loud and distinctive laugh managed to set us all off, and we all managed to laugh ourselves sick while Juliet shot herself in the head.

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    Elizabeth recently posted mskalita: That 6.30 nap is just what I needed for an early night tonight.

  40. I know the feeling well. Some people just don’t know what the word “silent” means.

    I saw you last night in Boston. You were as funny, wonderful, incredible, and just plain awesome as I was expecting. You’re an angel for putting up with random obnoxious strangers.

    Love you, Jenny!

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  41. Howdy, if you would like to see a movie in peace, in a very nice place and you are in Missouri. Then stop by Timber Creek Cinema in Mountain View, Missouri. They have a state of the art theater, plush seats and very nice audience.I have lived an a lot of big cities and this small town has the best theater hands down. It is the way theaters used to be. And you won’t have to wall up anyone’s cat, they have mostly hound dogs here.

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  42. I once sat through the stunt show at Disney while a man behind me translated the entire show into French for his family….even yelling BOOM! (apparently there is no French translation for the GIANT BALL OF FIRE AND MASSIVE CONNCUSSIVE WAVE RIGHT IN FRONT OF US!

    Like

  43. Ha! I love that she used the word “cracker.” Who does that loudly at a theater? Great post…

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  44. The Alamo here in Virginia has banned the use of cell phone in its theaters and it will throw your ass out if you don’t follow the rule. They broadcast this by putting up an hysterical phone call they recorded from a woman who was obviously drunk and complaining loudly about how she would never go back to the Alamo because they threw her out for using a cell phone during the movie. It’s in the previews.

    No one uses a cell phone once the movie starts at our theater. Talking though – well, that’s a whole other thing. But I’ve only been to two movies in the last year and haven’t encountered any idiots who can’t shut the fuck up. Which is surprising, considering the AVERAGE IQ score is 100. Which is not that bright.

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  45. I. Fucking. Love. You.

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  46. Amen Sista !!!!

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  47. I sat next to these people at The Raid a few months ago. I seriously wondered if one of them was blind, because that’s the only explanation for saying every single thing going on onscreen. But how horribly mean would it be to take a blind person to a foreign-language film?

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  48. 48
    CraZyCat Lady

    We don’t do movies in public venues any more for the same reasons. (I think I’ve been to the theater twice in twenty years.)

    Worse, is watching movies with the brother-in-law. We drive 300 miles to visit family and all they want to do is watch movies and suck down Pepsi. Which wouldn’t be so bad, except the BIL has already seen EVERY film ever made (multiple times) and proceeds to call out what is going to happen—and who is going to be in the scene—BEFORE IT FUCKING HAPPENS! I love most of my in-laws, but shit, what a bunch of morons, sometimes. Apparently, I’m the only one whose bothered by his premature narration… WTF?

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  49. Considering how scathing you can be with the written word, it’s kind of surprising that you’re timid like that.🙂 That’s kind of you, though. Here’s what I do: While staring at the screen, I say “SHUT THE FUCK UP” in a weird voice and when the offender turns their head to see who said it, I look around like I’m trying to figure out who said it too. Cowardly yet affective.🙂

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  50. If I’m with the wrong person, at the wrong movie I’m usually a big chatter. This is however, why when I go to the movies with these people we go in the middle of the week, or to a movie that’s been out for a while, and we sit in the back at least 2 rows from anyone. We don’t WANT to ruin things, we just know that if we sit too close to people we will ruin things. We are considerate ruiners.

    True story: while watching Return of the King with my friend, two girls maybe 15, were talking through the movie and saying things like “Who’s Smeagle?” “Why is he the king? When did that happen?” “Why are they bowing to the hobbits?”

    It was awesome.

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  51. 1997. Titanic. Lady behind me.

    “Oh, did you hear that? There’ not enough lifeboats. I think that might be FORESHADOWING.”

    “Oh my God, turn, turn, turn! Oh, shit! Oh no! They’re going to hit it!”

    “You can see their breath! That water must be COLD!”

    “This is terrible! Do you think they’ll make it?”

    OHMAHGAWD.

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  52. You know what’s worse? People talking in the cinema about EVERYTHING THEY DID DURING THEIR FUCKING DAY! I mean, really? I don’t care what that guy did in class or how much your shoes cost – I’m trying to watch Hulk beat up the baddies here!

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  53. True story: Many years ago I was at a movie theater with my grandparents. (I think we saw “Yentl.”) Anyway, there was an old couple to my right and the woman was repeating a lot of the dialogue for the man (though not that loudly). A younger woman in front of them was visibly annoyed, and kept turning around and shushing them. At the end of the movie, the woman in front of the couple dumped the contents of her drink cup on this couple and walked out.

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  54. I am turning into a cranky old fart, and poor theated ettiquette really irritates me. And that’s why I try to see most movies at Alamo Draft House. At least you could have gotten pleasure from watching the manager throw her ass out.🙂

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  55. I totally get what you experienced that (and probably a few times since) regarding the whole movie going experience. Movies cost so much now that when you go you want it to be worth your money. An audience can make or break it sometimes. Like when I saw Scream 2 and when we found out who the second killer was **spoiler alert** and some guys shouted out, “Roseanne Barr’s sister?!?!”. Perfect timing and hilarious because we were all thinking the same thing (had to be there, probably). There’s only one thing worse than this. Bringing your very young (toddler/baby age) child to a popular Fri/Sat night movie opening–especially if it’s got an R rating on purpose. I get that it’s important to get out and do stuff after you’ve had kids…but for the rest of us (really just me) could you not go to the 10am showing on Saturday morning?? You know you’re up with the kids then!!

    Wish you could come out to the west side of the US-there are a few of us who would love to meet you!

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  56. I completely agree with the two (informal) rules of watching a movie in a theater: one chair ALWAYS between strangers and you stop talking once the previews begin and you don’t get to talk again until the credits roll. I think they should be carved in stone somewhere and if you violate them you lose your “let’s go see a movie” card for life.

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  57. Also, people who bring tiny children to the movies. When we went to see The Avengers , someone’s infant started screaming. Bad enough that they brought a baby to a movie but did they take it outside until it was quiet? Of course not. Being a parent of a small child means that sometimes you have to stay home if you can’t find a babysitter.

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  58. I always wonder why so many people seem to spent a great deal of money to go out someplace like a theatre (or concert or other entertainment show) and then spend the entire time there socializing, or jumping up and down to go out and buy more drinks/food/whatever.

    GO THE FUCK TO A BAR, PEOPLE. The rest of us came to see the movie (concert/whatever)!!!

    I’ve been really pleased with these new dinner-and-a-movie places — more space than your usual theatre rows so you’re further away from strangers, plus, it’s the waiters who bring you drinks and such so you don’t have to get up and so far most of them are really good at moving around so you don’t even notice they’ve been there!

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  59. I’m totally doing this to the next dude who talks through a movie:

    New Girl: That girl lives with those guys, but she hasn’t been living with them as long as they’ve been living with each other. Therefore she is new.

    Friends: Those six pretty people seem to very much enjoy one another’s company. Are they friends, you think?

    2 Broke Girls: One doesn’t have money because her dad is basically Bernie Madoff, and the other one is just a regular poor person.

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  60. I rarely go to movie theaters any more just because I’m so annoyed by other people in there. If I can’t sit in the very back row so that no idiots are behind me, it’s just not going to be a good night. Here’s my question–we have Saran wrap, so I know companies know how to make soft, pliable, thin plastic wrap. So WTF movie theater candy companies? Why do you wrap boxes of movie candy in the crinkly, loud, brittle plastic that makes enough noise to drown out a full theater sound system?

    I just went to see Best Exotic Marigold Hotel a couple of weeks ago (super cute movie) and ran into the older version of this. The median age of the audience had to be 5 minutes from death, so I was surrounded by countless couples loudly whispering “what did they just say?” throughout. That was age related, so I don’t hold it against them, but man, I wish I’d been able to get the back row for that one.

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  61. HAHAHAHA.
    I despite this character flaw. It is as if their built-in shit detector just ran out of batteries…

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  62. Now I must immediately cancel all of my plans for the day and watch Avatar. Thankfully it’s just me at home, so no extra commentary will happen. Yay!

    Like

  63. Cracking up…
    Recently my husband and I went on our first date since the baby was born (17 months ago, yeah, it’s been a rough year and a half). As we are sitting in the theater, two obnoxious teen bitches sit next to us. The bitch closest to me whips out her phone and begins texting. I wasn’t too annoyed yet because the previews were on and there was still a little light in the theatre. As the lights grow dimmer and the 4 messages that tell you to “please be courteous to others and refrain from texting during the movie.” she completely ignored the warnings and continued to text. This continued through the first 1/3 of the movie, all the while I’m sighing loudly and giving her the evil eye. I finally had enough, I whipped my phone out, lit up the screen and held it right in front of her face. She looked at me like, “OMG Bitch, WTF!” I looked at her and politely said, “Gets pretty annoying doesn’t it?” She put her phone away.

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  64. Reminds me of the time we flew to D.C. on an early early morning flight – early where they “lower the cabin lights” and we were seated two rows behind a woman who never shut up about how she invented the PC using what sounded like her “outside-voice”. We still reference her and call her “shit-for-brains”.

    Like

  65. Enjoy Chicago – it’s one of my favorite cities in the world! Go to Xoco and have a hot chocolate and churros. They will make you feel better about ANYTHING!
    Thanks for the movie theatre post. I am still laughing about Malcolm Ten

    Like

  66. Thank you for making me laugh so hard I now need to change my undies.
    “Then I’d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there. Your cat. And then we’d be even. Mostly.”
    I’m sooooo using that!

    Like

  67. Thank God I only go to the movies for the popcorn

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  68. Argh! I went to see The Lost Boys recently and the two women two rows in front of me were drunkenly speaking along with EVERY SINGLE WORD and I was considering actually leaning over the people in between us and asking them to shut up (which I have never done before); I almost applauded when somebody else beat me to it. WTF?! Were they trying to prove to everybody that they had seen it before? WE HAD ALL SEEN IT BEFORE. It was an 80s revival season, for heaven’s sake! Nobody there was under the age of 33. YOU’RE NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE, LADIES!

    Also, a couple of years ago, I was watching this incredibly sad movie about the holocaust and towards the end it was 100% clear that somebody was about to commit suicide and the whole audience knew and the point of it was the absolute despair and the not being able to help them and everybody around me was sniffling away because it was so emotional, and then the old lady next to me yelled out, “That lady’s going to kill herself!” THANKS, OLD LADY, THANKS.

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  69. 69
    Andy Brundrett

    http://economix.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/06/04/the-shut-up-gun/#more-151811

    This needs to be developed to work on an entire room. Or I need to get cracking on my disintegration ray. Maybe just something that would make cell phones explode? That would work in movie theaters but then you’d have to deal with them yelling “My ear! My ear!” Or “I’m on fire!” Shush already! I rarely go outside to movies because of idiot people like that and of course the stress of being around too many people.
    And just say no to dead cats. Say yes to releasing a bag full of LIVE squirrels in the walls of these movie etiquette offenders. At least until I finish the disintegration ray;-})
    AndyB, NH.

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  70. Movies are rarely worth the actual theater experience, anymore. People suuuck.

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  71. This is exactly why I don’t go to the movies with my husband. He is that guy. He laughs just a little bit louder and longer than everyone else, and he repeats things he thinks are funny. Like this:
    A marshmallow man explodes and dumps fluff all over the EPA guy.
    Tom: Hahahahah all the marshmallow goo just fell on that guy! hahahahah
    Me: Thank you so much for explaining it to the blind people. Now SHUT UP!

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  72. We went to see The Avengers a few weeks ago. There weren’t any problems with annoying movie patrons, thank the good Lord, but it was ridiculously hot in there. What, did the A/C break? That’s rich. No A/C, in May, IN MISSISSIPPI. People bring hoodies to the movie theater for a reason. We are well aware of the fact that tradition and good taste demand that a high-class movie going experience can only happen in an oversized refrigerator. Don’t interfere by not freezing us out like usual.

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  73. 73
    Jessica S.

    Oh, this is perhaps my #1 pet peeve (and that is saying a lot…) My least favorite variation of the talking-during-a-movie is when there are two people seeing a film based on a book. Person A has read the book, Person B has not. Person A feels the need to explain the difference between book and film at every juncture. It’s all I can do not to scream, “If you need narration to follow this film, wait for the DVD and watch it at home!” With probably 100% more profanity.

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  74. Come to the UK. Seriously. No phones (thanks to Orange, who’ve been doing these funny adverts about phones ruining movies for years now), no chat, no interruptions. People would just be too embarrassed. My husband has a really loud laugh, and sometimes even that is too much. Also, we need book signings. Seriously. The UK. You know it makes sense.

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  75. And that’s why I never go to movies.
    “Malcom Ten” – awesome🙂

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  76. I laughed and “uh huh, uh huh, uh huh”‘d to your post, because I totally agree, but honestly? The entire time I was reading it I was trying to figure out what movie you were referencing. I finally decided to guess that it was Avatar, because two other people referenced it in comments, but then I figured I’d take one more look back at your post to make sure you didn’t actually just tell us what movie it was.

    I feel kinda dumb now. But impressed, for guessing correctly! Seriously, though, people who talk (or text or vibrate or glow or exist in a manner different from quiet) during movies are just horrible people.

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  77. great post and comments. the only good thing about people to whom you want to say, “excuse me, shut the f*ck up,” is they usually make excellent blog fodder.

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  78. This is why I quit going to the movies. It’s just not worth it.

    Like

  79. one time i told two old ladies we were in their living room and to kindly shut the hell up. they called me rude, and i said that’s beside the point, we’re in a MOVIE THEATER.

    Have fun in Chi-town.

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  80. that would be “WEREN’T” in their living room. i’m on hold with Directv whilst typing a comment. i’m not a very good multi-tasker.

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    Simone recently posted Paranoia will destroy ya....

  81. Jenny, No doubt you saw that Nathan Fillon is promoting your book in this week’s Parade magazine. High five.

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  82. I’ve almost come to blows regarding this talking-during-the-movie crap. Stay home and watch a video…I mean DVD or whatever people watch nowadays😛 …if you can’t STFU. However, now that I have kids I am pretty able to tune out all extraneous noises.

    And on a happier note…I’m gearing up to read your book. I’ve had it since your April signing in Corte Madera. It sits in my backpack…ready…waiting… I think I might start it this weekend. My irrational dread of the sadness I will feel upon finishing it has been holding me back. I’ve been considering restarting therapy to help me deal with this.

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  83. Absolutely love this! I need a friend like you that way I can egg her on and get the satisfaction of watching her yell at someone to shut the fuck up. Or stabbing them with a fork. And then I can look at the victim with that “I have no fucking idea what’s wrong with her” expression. It’s like a win/win because they could totally blame their bad behavior on me.
    SIGH.
    My vicarious alter ego friend, if you’re reading this, I have lots of fun things planned for us starting with me driving while you hang out the window with one of those really loud megaphone speaker things the cops use. “It’s the pedal on the right motherfucker!”

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  84. Well, you are much more polite than me, that’s for sure. I usually tell the people to STFU. If it’s kids, then I make a point of telling their parents to keep their children quiet or out of the movie theaters, always hoping they choose the latter.

    People need to learn to take a joke. Like you would really want extra knives and forks to wash!😉

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  85. As others mentioned, before you tell someone to shut up in a movie theater, make sure someone in their party is not blind.

    Ah, to live in San Francisco, where we have a theater with 21 and up shows, with a bar. Plus a multitude of tiny, dingy neighborhood theaters where the most likely talkers/texters wouldn’t be caught dead.

    Of course, depending on the movie (Twilight, for one. Hey, a husband has to take that hit now and again so his wife will see Ted with him) the adults can be even worse.

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  86. I have a teacher friend who used her teacher voice to tell the gentleman who took his THIRD cell phone call in one movie to “Take it outside, sir!”. I heart her.
    When hubby and I were dating, we were at a concert. Four large, drunk ladies came in half-way through and sat down behind us. The ladies on each end proceeded to “talk” to each other – which meant leaning forward and basically yelling in our ears. After 15 minutes, I turned around and not so politely told them to shut up, we were trying to hear the concert. Hubby politely asked me not to yell at anyone again until I was sure we could take them. He’s 6’6″. Wuss. I knew I could take my 2….

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  87. “Hello?”
    “Hi; I can’t talk now, I’m in a movie.”
    “No, the movie is going on right now. Can I call you back?”
    “No, it’s on right now. This is just the quiet part.”
    “No, this is a bad time, can I call you back in a couple hours?”
    “Well, the movie is on right now, so this is a bad time.”
    “Yes, there’s people all around me. Can I call you back later?”
    “Well, is it quick?”
    “Can this wait until later? I’m in a movie.”
    “Yes, it’s on right now, I already told you.”
    “Well, it’s about a bunch of people trapped on a space station and weird things are happening.”
    “This is just a quiet part. Not much has happened yet.”
    “Look, can I call you back after the movie is over?”
    “George Clooney is in it, I don’t know who else.”
    “Can I call you back in a couple hours?”
    And so on and so forth.

    True story.

    Like

  88. I once totally lost my shit on a guy eating popcorn really loudly during a whole movie. I lunged over my mother at him. I think she is still a little scared of me.

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  89. It gets easier!

    1998. Beloved:
    YaYa Sisterhood: “I thought this would be more like The Color Purple. What’s that club where the women wear purple hats? When did hats go out of style?”
    Me: “Please. I am begging you. Stop talking.”

    2010. Black Swan:
    Cast of Glee: “Blee blee blah blah giggle jiggle chatter natter texty text squeal.”
    Me: “SHUT. UP. Seriously. One more peep, and I swear to God, you will be Facebooking your own death.”

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  90. i’m just back from your reading appearance. i wanted to say so much to you. i have bipolar disorder and anxiety. i cried when people applauded you. and i cried when i was talking to you. i only managed the part about being afraid to go alone and having my husband drive me instead. i told you i hadn’t been able to take a shower and you graciously said i looked beautiful. i just want you to know what you’ve meant to me as a person with a mental illness who can really make people laugh and make a difference in people’s lives. i loved your book and i have a crush on you. your signing my book made me #furiouslyhappy. thank you jenny, thank you so much.

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  91. Sounds like you idiot was my idiot when I saw Star Trek. These 3 idiots had to dissect the entire fucking movie and compare it ALL Star Trek shows. 20 minutes I walked over and very LOUDLY to shut the fuck up. We are ALL Star Trek nerds and we can figure out all the similarities ourselves. The entire theatre clapped. lol Made my day.

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  92. I hate LOUD talkers in a movie theater!! Speaking of dead cats, you might like to send something like this to the LOUD talker: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2154283/Cats-away-Artist-turns-dead-pet-flying-helicopter-killed-car.html

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  93. It makes me sad when people say they don’t go to movies because of loud talkers. They ruin so much for so many people.

    I feel like we’ve dealt with more of them in the last year than we have our whole lives combined (we see a lot of movies). I will say that I think the most effective approach is public shaming, meaning when you ask them to be quiet, you do it loudly enough for others to hear, so that it’s not just a personal whispered feud. And I HATE confrontations, like you, so if you finally get a “shut up” from me, you are being incredibly obnoxious.

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  94. You’re the best! Don’t be afraid to speak up (unless they are bigger than you or packing heat)! Went to see Wicked with a friend and her daughter. There were two horrible things happening during the first act: there was a wretched stench of stinky feet; and three pre-teen girls (sans parents) were seated next to us, and they sang along to EVERY song! At intermission I asked my friend if it was her daughter with the smelly feet. She said it was one of the girls next to her. I returned to my seat before the end of intermission, turned to the girls and said, “One of you has really stinky feet and you need to keep your shoes on. And, by the way, everyone in this theatre did not just pay $75.00 to listen to you sing. Shut up!” They didn’t move throughout the entire second act! It was very satisfying for me. Now if I could just get my $37.50 back for the first act….

    Please come to Phoenix for a signing!❤

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  95. I’m sorry, Jenny. If you live anywhere near San Antonio, that was probably my grandmother. We don’t take her out in public much because when we do, she’s a walking punishment. We’re suffering too, ma’am.

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  96. So I commented on this when you first posted it, and re-reading it now, I still outraged and extra stabby.

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  97. See, I have no qualms about telling people to keep it down. I am the person who got up in the middle of “Batman Returns,” walked to the far side of the theater, and told the mother of the child running up and down the aisles shrieking, “You take your child out now, or I will.” I mean, I could see missing the hype about the first Tim Burton Batman film (I guess), but the second? No. Just, no.

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  98. A friend of mine can’t make tomorrow’s event, so there will be at least 2 “extra” seats available

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  99. A few years ago when they re-released The Exorcist I had to endure crying children. At The Exorcist. Yeah, cos that’s a movie I’d bring my kid to.

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  100. I have bought both the audio and e-book versions. You are a true talent and I adore your sense of humour as it completely reflects my own sensibility, but in a far more talented and witty way. If you ever come come to Vancouver I will attend your book signing (and buy the goddamn paper version of your book) thus marking the first and, possibly only, time I have ever stood in line to meet a “celebrity.” Something I normally refuse to do, but for you, I will make an exception. Vancouver 2012? Anyone?

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  101. I undstand the the bit about the silver cutlery, in our house it’s called pudding carma, since the time we went for a dinner date and weren’t allowed pudding cos the kitchen had closed for the night (we only wanted ice-cream) we pocketed all the packets of condiments to balance the negative pudding carma.

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  102. (Spoilers if you haven’t seen the original “Jaws” movie.) Reminds me of the movie Jaws way back when it originally came out at the theaters. The first time I was like every one else when the shark came out of the water when Sheriff Brody was shoveling chum behind the boat. The second time I saw it I watched the audience reaction and the guy in the row just ahead JUMPED UP ON HIS SEAT. Funniest thing ever.

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  103. Oh, I saw Jenny today in Chicago and got a signature on her book. She’s a great speaker.

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  104. Of course, the jumping guy at the Jaws movie wasn’t talking but, if we was, I would have told him to STFU and Sit The Hell Down.

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  105. Oh, Jenny. I had you sign my book to “StoicJim” but I’m just Stoic here. I’m an idiot and on toooooo many coments pages to remember which handle is which.

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  106. When we went to Advengers last week, the woman in front of us kept texting. I finally said in my teacher voice, “Turn your phone off, please.” She seemed mad, but she turned it off. The two ladies seated next to us (not really ladies but I don’t like to swear publicly) kept talking. Someone on the other side of them beat me to hush them up. I wish people would be well mannered in public places. I love your post – thanks for sharing the old posts that I haven’t seen.

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  107. 107
    Christie H.

    Not to be a total buzz kill, but could the person have been blind? I once went to a movie with an old high school friend and her blind boyfriend. I didn’t realize that during the entire movie she would have to narrate for him what was happening on screen. Of course, if one needs this kind of assistance they shouldn’t sit around a bunch of people that would get upset.

    The Avengers was ruined for me not but a talker but a loud laugher. Every single joke he would let out a very loud belly laugh. Even the really stupid jokes would get this response. Thankfully my husband wanted to see it again so I was able to actually hear the dialogue.

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  108. We were in a movie theatre, we sat in a row. Nobody else was there. Then this guy sat directly behind us. There were like 200 empty seats and he sits right behind us.
    He get out his cell phone and started talking on it loudly. My husband turned around and told the guy to move somewhere else and stop talking. The guy got mad and stomped off to complain and get the manager. We told the manager the guy was talking on his cell phone and told him to move and shutup. We demanded our money back. They gave us our money back and tickets to see the movie another day. We were to mad to go back in to watch the movie. We went another day.

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  109. That makes me freaking insane. I normally settle for glaring or the rare growl. One time though (I can’t even remember the movie now) I was pissed enough to turn to the group of teens sitting a few rows back and say, “Kid. Shut it.”

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  110. The cat was innocent, though. That’s my only concern.😉

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  111. 111
    Susan D.

    HEY! I sat beside that same be-atch the last time I went to a movie theater. Only she was doing a play-by-play INTO HER CELL PHONE!

    From now on (at the very least) I plan on taking a HUGE hat with me to all movies. Then when some dipshit starts that crap I’m gonna get up and move to the seat directly in front of her. AS MANY TIMES AS IT TAKES.

    And on a slightly related front we the people of an online forum in which I am a participant have hereby vowed that the next time somebody sits in a bathroom stall next to us and starts talking on a cell phone we are going to start making huge farting sounds with our hands on our mouths (or armpits, whichever) and begin to moan and groan loudly as if we are having some terribly painful gas. This WILL continue until said person either leaves the bathroom or ends their call.

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  112. On behalf of movie watchers everywhere, I would have thanked you for the silverware to make up for the wasted ticket. Really, I’d be like, “I waited weeks for my babysitter to have a free night, then paid her a fortune to look after my sleeping children, paid another fortune for the movie tickets on my only night out of the year, and you have literally ruined it.”

    I take it back, if you wouldn’t take more than just the silverware, you’re ripping us all off. Thanks for nothing!

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  113. As someone who works in the cinema industry, most theaters hate these jerks as much as you do. If someone is being a douchebag, PLEASE flag down a theater employee. We love kicking people who disturb shows out– we just don’t know they’re being that way until well after the show’s over. Chances are (depending on the company) we’ll kick them out and give you tickets to come back another day. We prefer to keep customers happy, and buying loyalty is worth the investment! Besides– if one person takes the time to leave their show and speak up to employees about an issue, most understand it must be -really- bothering them. Or they’re just a dick. But usually just really annoyed.
    It’s the people who wait until the show’s over to complain that raise suspicions- at that point we can’t do a damn thing, and half the customers are trying to scam for free tickets. Bah.

    Best of luck with future shows!

    Like

  114. 114
    Christina

    Yep, been there. I usually just move, but in this case the theater was full, and lucky me was stuck next to two women who clearly thought they were at home watching a Netflix selection. I finally broke (my mother would have been horrified) and said “I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure I did NOT just pay for a ticket to listen to you. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure I paid to see a movie. A movie I CAN’T HEAR.” There was huffery, and whispered (thank g-d) conversation. And then they left. I really enjoyed the rest of that movie.

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  115. Ok, I manage to avoid this 99 percent of the time by going in the morning or early afternoon or waiting until the movie has been out a few weeks. That way I don’t have to deal with many people at all, let alone these idiots. I think you should say something when people do that. You paid for a ticket after all!

    Like

  116. Completely understand, I saw a movie when the people behind us kept making jokes, and not even good ones. It took me almost the entire movie to work up the courage to say “excuse me, could you please be quiet?” I then proceeded to have an anxiety attack because I felt guilty for potentially ruining their movie experience, and I nearly passed out from the breath-holding syndrome I have… great movie.

    Like

  117. Are you sure that wasn’t Rosie O’Donnell?

    Because she talks A LOT.

    Better check that before you kill her cat.

    Because there is now photographic evidence linking you two.

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  118. okay, i’m on board with the talking movie stuff, but i wish to draw your attention to the fact that while Illinois and Chicago are in the midwest, they are still TWO full states away from Minnesota.

    Can we please do something about the geography here? I mean really; what are we, chopped liver????

    I’m just sayin’…….

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  119. Oh my god I was literally in Chicgo today and today only. I just got home like NOW and saw your post. What even is life.

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  120. HAHAHA! I hate to say this but my dear mother (G_d rest her soul) and father used to be like this when we went to the movies. I couldn’t go with them anymore because it was too embarrassing.

    I also live in L.A. and bad theater etiquette here is REALLY not tolerated!

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  121. The guy behind me in the second Twilight movie wouldn’t stop talking loudly and making predictions to his friend about the characters, plot, etc. Sooooo … I turned around and, quietly, so that only he and his friend could hear, told him how the movie we were watching, and the entire Twilight series, ended. He didn’t even stay through the whole movie.

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  122. Urgh, I feel your pain woman. Sadly, some people are just horrendously slower on the uptake than the rest of us…

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  123. Cinema/theatre seats should have in-built sensors that activate when the movie starts. As soon as someone starts talking through the film they should be sucked down into hell or the local shit sewer, whichever is nearest, covered in shit and signs that say I can’t shut the fuck up during a movie but I have learnt my lesson, and then ejected through a trapdoor in front of the cinema/theatre as a warning to the rest of the tits who can’t shut the fuck up

    Just saying

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  124. So THAT’S what happens when sarcastic ppl think they’re funny. Or she was just uber-stoned. I’ve been guilty of sarcastic saying the super ovious but I’m not obnoxious enough to think everyone around me wants/needs to hear it. Just my husband. Because I enjoy torturing him.

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  125. I have tickets for today! This is going to be great!!!! HOT…but great.

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  126. In the past, my husband and I have been those people who “talk” but only and I mean ONLY if the theatre is empty and the film is deserved of heckling. We create our own version of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. However, we’re usually quiet about it, even if the entire room is empty save ourselves (we still didn’t want to get kicked out)… and yes it was the last Harry Potter film [I may or may not have said Voldefetus]. Honestly, our version was better, but as I said – empty room, no one else was disturbed. It wouldn’t have happened otherwise.

    I’ve had my share of bad experiences with narrative people, drives me up the fracking wall. My most recent adventure was at the Avengers Assemble film, the girl in front must have seen it the day prior (as it was opening weekend) and kept saying “ohh, watch this!” which kept distracting my Father and I. She also kept giggling and playing with her hair, as though Chris Hemmsworth would actually seek her out through the damn screen. Bloody hell.

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  127. Jenny – I’m sorry that I didn’t get to your book signing in Austin, TX because you deserve applause or a hand shake- unless you’re like Howie Mandel and you don’t like to touch people or things that are ‘germy’. But, reading your book I can’t believe that my handshake would offend you (maybe my breath after lunch if I enjoyed fresh onions and garlic). You are a voice for so many.

    I don’t need to go to church, not that I do, because when I read your work – I know there is some order beyond me and there is sanity in my crazy life. Thanks for sharing your perspective – it fucking rocks!

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  128. Just finished your book, and it. was. awesome. I hope you were serious when you mentioned book number two. I’ll be real sad if you weren’t.

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  129. “dead cat helicopter”
    Something awesome to google. Watch the first video that comes up.
    Speaking of dead cats.
    (and kudos for not actually stabbing that woman in the head)

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  130. That’s like the time that I went to see Star Wars Episode 3. There were these guys talking loudly almost the whole time so finally, Anikin said something and I missed it so, I loudly said to my friend that I was with, “Hey Chris, did you hear what he just said because I didn’t!” It was then that they got the hint and shut up for the rest of the movie.

    I hope you had a good tour! Still waiting on that time machine to be able to come and see you.

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  131. Um, yeah, sorry about that.
    Now, does this mean you were happy I was talking through the movie, or irritated? I never get these things right. By the way, have you seen my cat?

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    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted Between you, me and the girls.

  132. I went to a BB King concert to see one of the Blues’ greatest talents and had the distinct pleasure of listening to the woman in front of me swoon, sway and sing to every song. After a few loud shushes directed toward the back of her head, I finally tapped her on the shoulder and told her that I didn’t pay $75 to listen to her., I paid it to listen to BB King. I also told her that everyone else around us likely paid to hear BB as well, not her. She FINALLY shut the fuck up. My husband was mortified but he turned out to be a douche so he can, to this day, suck it.

    Like

  133. I turn into the world’s biggest misanthrope at the movies. I decided, on a whim, to go see “Hysteria” after work this past Friday at my little community artsy cinema that’s free from the idiot popular movies and the idiots that see them.

    Apparently, some of those morons thought a movie about the invention of the vibrator would be their cup of tea, because there were about 10 of them in the theater that evening — including a group sitting right next to me, also ignoring the one-seat-between-strangers rule.

    Not only did the teenager next to me smell like a mix of sweat and moth balls, he and all of his compatriots belly laughed at every. single. mildly. amusing. thing. in the movie. Don’t even get me started about the Victorian-ladies-orgasming scenes — these people were literally howling and screeching in laughter.

    Needless to say, I’m never going to another movie outside of my old-folks-weekend-matinee slot ever again.

    Like

  134. One of my best friends is a talker. She’ll constantly ask “what did he/she do that?” “what’s going to happen?” Even at midnight releases. On more than one occasion, I’ve turned to her and said, “No one in this theater has even seen this movie yet, so we don’t know! If you STFU, we can all find out together.”

    The worst was when we went to see Kill Bill Vol. 1. Apparently she’d never seen a Tarantino film before because she exclaimed loudly after a fight scene, “This is ridiculous and disgusting! Let’s go” and walked out. After 20 minutes of standing in the lobby by herself, she realized the rest of us weren’t going to follow her and came slinking back in. She spent the rest of the movie commenting loudly on inane things like, “I really like her lipgloss!” This is why we mostly watch movies on DVD with her now.

    Like

  135. As Shepard Book once said on Firefly, There is a special hell reserved for people who talk at the theater. It’s the same one for people who take advantage of the innocent.

    Like

  136. If you had murdered her no jury on earth would have convicted you. I hate the movies now because of all the talking and munching and rustling and texting and god knows what else. My absolute worst experience though was during ‘Heat’ and the scene where Robert de Niro and Al Pacino talk to each other on screen for the first time ever – completely ruined by the w*nkers next to me who talked through the whole thing. My husband was so angry he hissed at them.

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  137. I so GET it…

    I am meek and mild (usually) but once while sitting in the bleachers at a fair watching a ‘horse whisperer’ do his thing the three hulking roadies behind me would NOT shut up with their critiques. I was rather PMS and turned around and said ” WOULD YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP SO WE CAN ENJOY THIS?!”

    Amazingly they did NOT beat the shit out of me and my husband but rather LEFT. (I need to harness the power of PMS, I would rule the world🙂

    You are such a funny lady, come on up to Vancouver for a reading!

    Like

  138. This post is kick ass and I very seriously want to print it out and hand it to people who are idiots in movie theaters. I recently went on a girls night with a friend to see Dark Shadows (loved it btw) and there were 3 teenage boys sitting behind us being ass holes. Very big ones. Very Big Ass Holes with tons of shit coming out… of their mouths. It was awful. so my friend went and complained and a few seconds later the big ass holes were escorted out by a police officer and we enjoyed the rest of our johnny depp in peace.

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  139. Oh my gosh! I had the same experience when I was watching Paranormal Activity.
    This guys, I was talking to, seemed liked he and this girl he was talking to, are in a disco house! My goodness, I supposed to shout on them but of course, I need to calm down to avoid any disturbance to the other viewers.

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  140. Malcolm Ten. Ha! I read that 2 days ago, and I’m still laughing. This is freaking priceless.

    Like

  141. 141
    Arieloser

    I’m so sad. You were 4 hours away from me and I didn’t get my tits signed. My. Life. Sucks.

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  142. Love it cause I would have tried to get a photo, too.

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  143. We paid quite a few $$ to see the show “RAIN”, which is a Beatles tribute band. The guy RIGHT behind me was the biggest Beatles fan EVAH and knew every thing and every song and thought we all came to hear HIM sing the Beatles songs and tell about all of his great memories surrouning them. SUUUUUCKY! (The band RAIN was AH-MAY-ZING BTW)!!

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  144. True story: when I went to see Pulp Fiction in the first few minutes of it, when Travolta and Jackson are in the car talking about Big Macs in Paris, a woman behind me started saying, “I seen this afore. It was on tayvay.” She had a pretty thick Southern accent, so I assume she meant “TV”, unless “tayvay” was some newfangled invention that allowed people to see new movies. She continued, “Yeah, I know I seen this afore.” Then the guy next to her chuckled and said, “You’re dumb! This ain’t never been on TV.”

    I turned around and stared at them and the guy laughed more and said, “Now see what you did?”

    Fortunately they were silent after that.

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  145. If you talk during a movie, I will loudly “shush” you, followed by a veritable hailstorm of Skittles to the cranium. If said aerial attack does not achieve the desired result I will walk up to you and demand my $10 back; because if I’m going to pay someone $10 to talk to me the least you can do is tell me how hot I am and ask me what my underwear looks like. If your life is so replete with sturm and drang that you can’t keep that shit to yourself for 110 minutes then get your ass out of the theater and find a 12-step meeting somewhere, you asshole.

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  146. I’m pretty sure there is a special kind of hell for people like that. If there isn’t, there certainly ought to be!

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    Cara(Eli) recently posted Parenthood - A non-serious lesson to parents. Today's topic: Perks or how to avoid answering tricky questions.

  147. Someday I’ll have the courage to just turn around in my seat and focus ALL my attention on the loud talker, pointedly. Like “Who needs to watch the movie when we’ve got YOU to listen to? You are so. much. more fascinating than the movie we just paid $18 to see.”

    Sigh. Idiots should not be allowed to leave their house.

    Like

  148. You know how there are people out there who memorizes versus in the Bible or Quran to help them be better people or whatever? I’m so memorizing this so I can trot it out as necessary. Thank you for the poetic genius that I’ll be sharing with the uncommonly rude.

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  149. ah, dammit. chicago last weekend? your notification people suck.

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  150. I think that lady was sitting next to me at Pirates of the Caribbean. If ever there was a movie that did NOT need explanation, that would be the one.

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  151. How come all the loud mouth scurvy dogs that can’t keep their yaps shut are all silent and wide eyed during Inception? Exactly.

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  152. ” Then I’d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there. Your cat. And then we’d be even. Mostly.”

    I.can’t.breath.I’m.Laughing.So.Hard.

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  153. in other news – extremely disappointed you paid for a ticket to see Avatar any ways… so in a way, it’s God’s way of punishing you. Mostly.

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    Carmen recently posted It's time for a vacation.

  154. I admire your restraint. I don’t think I would have handled it as well. In fact, I would probably be banned from the movie theater by now.

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  155. I really think these are some of the best comments ever!! I want to go to the
    movies with all of you!!

    Like

  156. Ah, makes me think of the lady at the theatre today who took pictures of her kids during Madagascar 3. She took THREE pictures. What the hell is wrong with people???

    Like

  157. I went to see “Blair Witch.” Everyone was dead silent until the end where the guy is standing facing the corner.

    Suddenly the guy behind me says, “Is that guy peeing?”

    Like

  158. This, plus the (tiny) price difference between matinee and night shows, is why I only go to the movies during the early afternoon during the week. Fortunately, I work nights and have my days free for this. If I want to see a movie on the big screen badly enough to be willing to disrupt my sleeping habits a bit, it’s the only sane time to go.

    Like

  159. Amen! I think there should be a way to have these people extricated from the theater, seriously.

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  160. Oh this had me crying with laughter.

    I’ve always known it wasn’t just me but still, the way you tell it. I have a think where, depending on what day I am having, I cannot stand the sound of people eating no matter how quietly – yep, totally not fair but tough.

    So you can imagine my horror the day I went to the cinema to discover that they now sell crisps and to make itworse they sell them in the usual noisy bags! I almost reverted to being my dad and refusing to watch a film until it was available to watch on DVD in the peace and quiet of my own home.

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  161. At least it was a crappy movie. Or at least it was a movie done by a douche bag director.

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  162. 162
    Butter and Olive Oil

    Hmmm. Just a thought…if only one person was repeating the obvious, play by play to the other person, and unless you heard the other person doing the same; it’s possible one person is blind…to some extent. I love your humor …but your example dialoge really sounded like someone was explaining the movie to someone who couldn’t see. If they both clearly made comments proving they see…ignore this, and your excellent humor wasn’t for naught.

    Like

  163. Thank you! Your entire piece came directly out of my brain. (Are you living in there???)

    Favorite dumb ass things I’ve heard people say during movies:
    Stage whispered by an old man near me about Chris Cooper’s character in Seabiscuit: “He’s a horse whisperer.”
    Announced by a kid near me at the end of Dare Devil when Ben Affleck finds Electra’s necklace: “She’s still alive!!”
    Proclaimed by a girl at the climax of Girl with a Dragon Tatoo: “Touche, touche.”

    Like

  164. 164
    Princess Judy

    My husband talks very loudly and waves his arms around and makes inane comments during the pre-movie stuff and the previews. It used to make me nervous that people were plotting to kill us the second the movie started but then I realized how brilliant it is–people do not sit near us! Of course sometimes, people are obnoxious enough to annoy you from afar. Once some pre-teen kids many rows away were talking loudly, standing up and acting up. Hubby yelled out in the theater, “Who is planning the funeral for these kids, because I’m killing them!” A parent came scurrying from another aisle to them.

    Like

  165. In defense of people who talk during movies – and no, this is NOT a defense of those who do so in movie theaters – there are people who best experience the movie by “interacting” with it. I am one such. One of my four children is the same way. My husband gets SO ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED because it pulls him out of his intense, silent, total immersion. What it means is this: when he watches a movie at home, I tune it out because I can’t focus on it the way I need to. And when I want to watch a movie my way at home, I do it when he’s not around.

    When he calls the kids to watch a movie with him, it invariably turns into “Kid, shut UP. Kid, stop TALKING. SHUT UP. SHUT UP.” Sometimes he pauses the movie to berate her. Eventually, she shrinks into a miserable ball, or she leaves the room. It is not in her nature to simply watch in passive silence. I can do it, but part of me has to be assigned to making sure I don’t blurt stuff out, which means I’m not paying total attention. I told him that our experience of films is different from his, as our experience of vegetables (which he dislikes, and we like) is different from his. So he does know, but I don’t think he *gets* it. When he wants to watch a movie, we have to be silent. The end.

    Movie theaters have a different etiquette, particularly since people have just paid a buttload of money to get in the door, and then if they get any snacks, they take it in the hip pocket again…..and no, as I say, I’m NOT defending theater jabberboxes. I can sympathize, though. I really can.

    Like

  166. I love the people that show up during the previews and expect me to move over so they can sit together. Naturally I showed up 45 minutes before the show started so that I can make sure YOU have a good seat.

    Like

  167. For Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt 1, I ended up sitting in front of a group of squeeing teenaged fangirls. They made high-pitched noises throughout the previews, and someone else asked them to be quiet. During the pre-credits sequence, when Snape is standing at the window of a tower, a fangirl cried, “Oh, no! Snape, don’t jump!” I turned around and said, “Oh, you know he doesn’t.* Please be quiet.”

    The girls continued their noise through the opening credits, so I turned around AGAIN (before the credits ended), and said, “If you’re going to do that for the whole movie, would you mind moving back a few rows? We’d like to watch this.”

    A bunch of people around us muttered their agreement. The guy next to me gave me a high five.

    The fangirls were silent.

    We watched the rest of the movie in relative silence.

    (*I figured that someone with that much squee must have read the book a thousand times.)

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  168. This reminds me of back in the day when they had slide shows before the movies started with pictures from famous movies. I was sitting in a starting-to-get-crowded theater with my mom, who saw the iconic picture of Leo & Kate on the front of the Titanic (“King of the World!”) and she loudly asked me, “Why did that old lady throw the necklace in the water?” Everyone around us snorted.

    Like

  169. 5 Reasons the Movie Theatre Could Drive me Bat Shit Crazy….

    1. Open your fucking licorace bag before you get into the god damn movie theatre, cause I love hearing the crackle crackle of the package, and you the asshole asking your douche bag friends if they would like some licorice….as if they didn’t know you had any…

    2. Please announce loudly that you have to pee…and please please please make sure I’m sitting next to you, and the movie is at either the begining, middle or end…I guess I should be thankfull that you don’t have to shit as you climb over top of me to get to the main aisle to find the bathroom

    3. Absolutely bring your children who are all under the age of 3 to the showing of a particular Vampire show…I love hearing them scream that they can’t see, need juice, and tell you that they have shit their pants…again I really hope you’re sitting by me as well…the climbing over me may give me the opportunity to knee you in your cunny, with luck…

    4. If you are sitting by me…I really hope you have restless leg syndrom…cause that totally makes the movie that more enjoyable…I hope the kids you brought to the movie not only have nightmares about vampires, but that they also get shaken baby syndrom FROM YOU SHAKING THE DAMN ROW WITH YOUR FUCKING RESTLESS LEG …

    5. Finally, if your sitting ahead of me and my empty airline bottle of Whisky happens to roll down and hit your feet at the half point of the movie…don’t glare at me, beat the shit out of the asshole that is climbing over me with their toddler to go to the shitter…they knocked it out of my hand…you’re just lucky it wasn’t my mixed fountain pop drink…then you would have seen bat shit crazy….

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  170. I don’t think you’ve fully lived until you’ve had the same experience at the symphony. Had an 85-yr-old Jewish lady in front of me “whispering” – to her seemingly-deaf husband – the name of each upcoming movement in Holst’s “The Planets” (during the silence in between them).

    “Maahs … tha Bringa of Waahr”
    “Ur-AY-nus … the Mahgicien.”

    I’ve never found classical music so hilarious since.

    Like

  171. 2 movies spoiled for me by stupid people.
    Lord of the Rings – Return of the King Some parents thought it would be a fab idea to bring their three young children, one of whom had pertussis. I made my husband & Bro in law move across the theater to try to get away from them, but the coughing was so loud and the kids so whiny that I actually followed them out of the theater when the movie ended, making rude comments until he dragged me away.
    Shrek 3, where I took my shy little 3 yr. old girl to her first movie. We got there early and chose prime seats, center middle, rail in front of us. After the previews started, a mom and two teen boys came and sat down next to us, boys on my side, mom on the other. note – the theater was NOT full, plenty of other seats. then she proceeded to lean over us, whispering to the boys, handing them candy, and overall creeping the hell out of my daughter. we actually had to leave, my daughter was so freaked out. ahh, the memories.

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    craftytammie recently posted zippers, the lazy way.

  172. This post made me so happy. My mother is threatening to disown me if I tell her one more time about the three women in my row who felt obligated to provide descriptive audio during The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, so there’ll still be someone who understands even after I’m out of the will.

    Like

  173. First of all, I would like to apologize to the gentleman in Mexico for screaming bloody murder and kicking your seat when that guy was thrown off the roof of the building in The Dark Knight. Some of us have higher scare factors than others, and apparently I was caught off guard!

    Secondly, Jenny, your post and everyone’s experiences of people talking through paid entertainment are hilarious (Malcolm Ten). I think my worst experience was when I went to a showing of The Passion of the Christ (I know, poor movie choice!) after it had been out for a while and was almost out of theatres, hoping for a smaller audience. Unfortunately for us, the four other people in the theatre along with me were subjected to one (very lonely, or very crazy) old man’s loud comments of, “That really happened, you know,” throughout the movie. He was not seated with anyone else, and he spoke loudly enough that all of us scattered throughout the theatre could hear him.

    Like

  174. Oh you’ve hit the nail on the head with this one. It is SOOOO annoying when people chit chat all the way through a film, no matter whether it is commenting on the film itself or even more randomly, chatting about something completely unrelated. If you want to chat, go for coffee, if you want to watch a movie, shut the fuck up.

    Like

    MotherWifeMe recently posted You wanna be a set mummy? I wanna be a lady!.

  175. I saw the Avengers last week and some dumb fucks thought it was a good idea to bring a 2 year-old to an incredibly violent movie that is TWO AND A HALF HOURS FUCKING LONG! Seriously?! The only thing a two year old can do for that long is probably nothing!!! Granted, it was the second time I saw the movie, but seriously GET A FUCKING BABY SITTER AND YOUR TUBES TIED!

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  176. thank you so much for saying all these things on my behalf. ditto to the max.

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  177. I’ve taken to kicking the seat backs of people that text during movies. Not hard. Just enough to say, “Hey, I see you with your phone there. Remember how the movie theater voice told you to put it away? He meant it. PUT IT AWAY!” It usually works.🙂

    Like

  178. Back when I still lived in Houston, some friends and I went to the movies (I don’t even remember what we saw), and the guy behind us translated every dang word of the movie into Spanish for his friend!

    Like

  179. I can do better than that! Same movie Avatar (which I thought was stupid anyway).. Sitting RIGHT next to me, a young couple (late 20’s).. She puts her jacket over his lap, then proceeds to jack him off. All the while he is moaning and bumping into me as he shakes involuntarily from the hand job he is receiving. She bends down when it’s about time for “take off”, and removes her sock! Yap, you guess it.. guess she didn’t want his Jezz fest all over her jacket. When he was done, she rolled up the sock and put it in her purse. I politely waited until he was finished (didn’t want to ruin it for him) and looked them both in the face, and said… FUCKING REALLY!

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  180. I am so so sorry, I’m assuming that was my mother-in-law you sat near. sigh.

    Like

  181. This totally happened to me but worse…. the guy behind me was (in a normal speaking voice, not a whisper at all) translating the movie into Spanish for the lady sitting next to him. This was the opening weekend of Batman. I almost lost my shit.

    ~r

    Like

  182. 182
    Ashton Roberts

    I read this post and it brought to mind this video. Alamo is the best about kicking out the morons that feel the need to talk in the theater and I LOVE them for that. Plus you can drink whilst taking in a flick. Good stuff. Enjoy! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Y5xK6Qd1YA

    Like

  183. I was sitting through the previews for some movie a while ago in front of a group of thuggish looking guys. The guys were talking a bit through the commercials but they quieted down when the preview for “Salt” came on. The end of the preview has the question: “Who is Salt?” followed by the movie’s website. One of the thug guys sitting behind me jovially says, “Salt is a seasoning!” Cue my friends and I all trying to suppress our hilarity so we don’t get beaten up by jovial thugs.

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  184. I had this happen in triplicate once. A friend had dragged me to Shrek 2, so I knew there would be a certain level of kid noise. That’s acceptable. Then a grandmother, mother and her young daughter sat in front of us. For the entire movie, I had this three-generation Greek chorus of idiocy pointing out the obvious. And I mean chorus – they all felt the need to echo each other’s inane observations. I tried to respond with “Thank you, Captain Obvious,” at one point, but was drowned out by their repeated cries of “Pinocchio’s wearing a thong!”

    The saddest part? The kid was the only one of the three who didn’t automatically join in.

    Like

  185. THIS is why I no longer go to movies.

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  186. My sister went to see Titanic when it came out, and these people sitting near her were talking before the previews came on. “It’ll be cool to see how they show the ship sinking and everything,” said one guy. A woman in the row in front of them then stood up and screamed, “WELL, THANKS FOR RUINING THE WHOOOOLE MOVIE!!” and walked out of the theater. This woman legitimately did not know the Titanic SUNK… it scares me to think that people like that exist!

    Like

  187. Dear God,

    I think you may have been seated next to my mother….

    -m

    Like

  188. My boyfriend: Perhaps you missed the woman meeting up with her caretaker outside the theater.

    Like

  189. They should show this before every movie instead of the “no talking, texting, emailing, facebooking, tweeting or tap-dancing” warning that no one pays any attention to anyway.

    Like

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