Today and tomorrow I’m in Chicago. I’m doing a reading/signing today (Saturday) at the center stage at Printers Row (noon), and I’m pretty sure you don’t need a free ticket for that. Tomorrow (Sunday) I’ll be doing a panel/signing but the tickets are sold out. You can come and see if anyone doesn’t show though and they’ll let you in for free if they have any spots. Until then, I’m continuing my pattern of posting reruns. This was a favorite of mine from a few years ago:
An open letter to the people sitting next to me at the movie theater who won’t shut the fuck up
Dear woman sitting next to me while I watched Avatar:
is wrong with you?
I can only assume that your husband is both deaf and moronic because I can’t think of any other reason why else you would feel the need to loudly state what’s going on during the movie WHILE WE’RE ALL WATCHING IT HAPPEN ON THE SCREEN. And it was weird because you both seemed perfectly fine when you first sat down next to me, aside from totally ignoring the unstated “there-must-be-one-chair-in-between-all-strangers-in-bars-and-theaters” rule. But then you started loudly remarking unimportant bullshit about the commercials using your normal speaking voice. I meanpersonally, I stop talking as soon as the previews begins but I know there aren’t any formal rules about this so I tried to just ignore you. You made it really hard though when the Clash of the Titans preview showed Zeus yelling to “Release the Kraken!” and you said, “Wow. That cracker looks like a bad-ass.”
Really? Did that just happen? I know it did because my husband looked at me with these wide eyes like “Holy shit did you just hear that?” and technically I was actually fine with that because I knew we’d have a good laugh about it later. Just like years ago when we were watching the trailer for Malcolm X and the dude behind us said “Who the fuck is Malcolm Ten?” That kind of idiocy is almost worthwhile because it’s 11 years later and we’re still able to mock that guy, but sadly you peaked early and I had to watch the rest of the movie with a built-in commentary of what I now refer to as “What-Stupid-People-Are-Thinking”.
And guess what? ShutTheFuckUp, THAT’S WHAT. Yes, I know the main character is in a wheel-chair. We all do. WE’RE ALL FUCKING WATCHING IT. It’s on a huge screen happening right in front of us right now. YOU AREN’T ADDING ANYTHING.
Just a few examples of you ruining my willing-suspension-of-disbelief…
Actual scene: A character says they’re about to seeing the famous floating mountains. Then we see floating mountains.
You: Are those mountains floating?
Scene: Character wears a shirt. It’s the same shirt that’s been in all of the commercials. None of this is a surprise.
You: He’s wearing a shirt.
Scene: A three second black-out signifies the end of a big scene. The scene takes place in broad daylight.
You: It’s nighttime now.
Scene: Incredibly-obvious villain does evil villain stuff.
You: I don’t trust that guy.
Scene: A character dies. Every. single. person onscreen acknowledges that the character is now dead.
You: Oh. I don’t think that person’s gonna make it.
How am I supposed to willingly lose myself in a movie when you won’t shut the fuck up? Did you know that I’ve never told anyone to be quiet in a movie theater? True story. I just sit in silence, glowering and sighing audibly. So last night when I turned to you and said “Really?!” it might have seemed anticlimactic but that was the equivalent of a normal person stabbing you in the head. Honestly, even my husband was a little shocked at me. Then when the movie ended you scurried out, probably because you guessed I was pulling Victor out after you so that I could follow you to your home and loudly explain everything that’s going on on your TV to you. And you’d be all “Who are you?” and I’d be like “I’m here to help. Oh, this is a good show. It’s funny because everyone doesn’t love Raymond. That’s the irony of this show” and you’d be like “Why are you in my house?!” and I’d be all “But then in the end you see that everybody DOES actually love Raymond. Even though they yell at him a lot. That’s where they trick you.” And you’d be all “I’m calling the police” and I’d be like “THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR THE REST OF THE WORLD, YOU FUCKING IMBECILE”. Then Victor would probably make me leave. But while he was pulling me out to the car I’d steal all of your silverware to make up for what everyone in our theater spent on their wasted movie ticket. Then I’d kick a hole in your wall and throw a dead cat in there. Your cat. And then we’d be even. Mostly.