UPDATED X 3: AAAAAAARGH.

in Random Crap

I’m back from tour and it was terrifyingly wonderful except for the last trip home in which my bag was lost for a full day, and then when they found it and returned it to me it was missing my laptop.  They also took my laptop case, charger and every other thing in that particular pocket except for a copy of my book, which they left since it was apparently the only thing they didn’t think was valuable.  So basically I’ve been robbed and insulted.  Nevertheless, I am trying hard to remain positive and I hope that the person who took my laptop enjoys it and that they get syphilis and their genitals fall off in church.

To distract myself I made a bunch of new stickers that I plan on putting on all my possessions from now on.  I’m sticking this one on my suitcase.

But in brighter news, my friend (Marty Kelley) made me the most bad-ass fairy ever and made my day feel much less shitty so I thought I’d share (the thing in my pocket is a picture of Wil Wheaton collating paper):

bloggess fairy

Marty is awesome and you should go buy all of his stuff.  And then put my stickers all over it so no one steals it.  This is the way this dangerously bitter new world works apparently.

PS.  Victor says I’m over-reacting to this because I’ve never had anything stolen before and that I should just calm down about it.  Then I calm down and he screams “BUT HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU NOT TO PUT YOUR LAPTOP IN YOUR SUITCASE?!”  The man is a complicated basket of mixed messages.

UPDATED:  I think Zazzle might be intentionally fucking with me just to cheer me up.  Actual reviews that show up under one of my stickers:

UPDATED X 2: I know this is really to complicated to follow on twitter so I’m posting the whole American Airlines fiasco here in case you’re confused.  Also, feel free to skip this whole section if you don’t like abject whining.  First off, let me start out by saying that, yes, I am an idiot for ever checking anything valuable in my suitcase.  I thought the amount of security and video cameras at an airport would work in my favor, but apparently not.  I gave my luggage to a Chicago O’Hare skycap well in advance of my flight (and yes, I tipped him), however my bag never left Chicago (no reason given).  American Airlines found the bag in Chicago and said they’d deliver it to my house whenever it came in.  I got an automated phone call from AA at 6pm saying the bag was on the way to my house but it never came.  It finally came at noon the next day and I was very grateful until I realized that my laptop, case and charger were gone.  I already knew that it was unlikely I’d every see them again and I knew I couldn’t prove they were in the bag so I knew it was my loss for being stupid, but I still wanted AA to investigate and to know that someone had stolen something of mine while in their care.  Victor called but they said that he had to come to the airport (an hour away) to file a complaint.  My travel agent called and was told “Passenger must bring back the bag to the airport and report the stolen/missing items in person. Bring along the bag, the original bag tag and lost luggage file claim.”  This?  Is ridiculous.  Especially in lieu of the fact that I was just told (by AA) that American Airlines says they aren’t responsible for missing computers, cameras, furs, jewelry, antiques, sunglasses (insert long, long list here)…basically anything that anyone would actually want to steal.  So basically I’d have to drive an hour and lug my bag up to AA so that they could say “Yep.  No laptop here” just to make a complaint about something they wouldn’t fix anyway.  Way to put the onus of responsibility to make sure you know about theft on the customer, American Airlines.  I’m certain this cuts down on complaints on your side.

Here’s why I’m writing about this: I’m lucky.  I can afford to replace my laptop and I learned a valuable lesson about trusting airlines, but what about those people who can’t afford to replace their things?  What about the the people who can’t afford to take off work to make it back to the airport in the 24 period they give you?  The system needs to change.  As I told American Airlines (in DMs once they followed me back) they need take theft claims seriously over the phone.  They need to investigate them all.  They need to use all of the video cameras all over the airport to actually find out why we can’t trust them with anything valuable without expecting it to be stolen.  I want nothing from American Airlines personally.  I just want them to look into changing their system so that it works better for both them and for their customers.  And that’s what they should want too.  As I said to them on twitter, “I can buy myself a new laptop.  What I can’t replace is the sense of trust I once had in your airline.”  I hope that changes.

PS.  I have to say that although they seem to have no real power at all, American Airlines is great at actually responding to people on twitter.  If they can be that great at social media response surely there’s hope that they can be great in this area too.  Also, I’m sure there’s a ton of work that they already do cut down on stealing and I commend them for whatever they’re already doing.  But it’s not enough, and I hope that they can see that and make a change.  Also, I’ve asked to speak to an exec but the best they could do for me was send me to an automated feedback screen that practically asked me for a DNA sample and then sent me the formiest of form letters ever.  So, what could AA do to fix this?  Contact me.  Have a board meeting about the issue.  Change the policy to allow theft complaints given by phone to count.  Tie employee bonuses or raises to the amount of theft complaints received by customers.  Use the same camera system you use to make sure no one puts drugs in my bag without my knowledge to make sure no one takes anything out of my bag without my knowledge.  At the very least, acknowledge that the system is flawed and say what you’re going to do to try to fix it.  For everybody.  Not just me.

Related: Another O’Hare victim with much more talent than me:

UPDATED X 3: American Airlines just sent me an email basically telling me that I’m shit out of luck and they’ll continue to do exactly what they’ve been doing in the past. I’m paraphrasing here, but that’s the gist. They explained that they want people to come in personally because they want to check themselves for signs of forced entry. I’m not sure why people wouldn’t be able to see that themselves since it’s their bag. Also, it’s a fucking zipper. Exactly how much force do you need to open it? (My opinion? Not that much.)

They also sent me a list of shit they don’t cover for theft and it was so long I fell asleep halfway through it and I plan on using it next time I need to write a 500 word report about everything that exists in the entire fucking planet. Basically you’re covered if (a) someone steals your flip flops and (b) you have the time to go to the airport so they can launch a full investigation of said flip flops. I would print their whole email here in order to be fair to them but the still-very-formish-letter closed with this: “The information in this email is confidential and is intended solely for the addressee(s); access to anyone else is unauthorized.” I’d feel bad for even quoting that sentence, but guess what else was intended solely for me and access to anyone else was unauthorized? MY FUCKING LAPTOP.

Guess this makes us even.

Also, in their defense they did just offer me a $100 voucher to make up for the bag arriving a day late and I would email them back to tell them that I don’t want their voucher, but according to their email “for security purposes” THEY DON’T ACCEPT REPLIES. Well, thank God for security.  You’re doing a great job with it, American Airlines.

Comment of the day:

The airlines could fix this immediately AND become an overnight internet sensation if they live-streamed video of baggage areas not accessible or visible to the public, like the Shiba Inu puppy cam. ~ mrtl

516 thoughts on “UPDATED X 3: AAAAAAARGH.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Sorry you lost your computer! I don’t know what I would do without mine, it’s like a third child, after my kids and iPhone…

    In good news, I just found your book at Chapters in Ottawa, Canada and will be enjoying it tonight. I’ll tell my friends and you’ll be able to get a new laptop in no time!!

    Cheers from Canadia!

  3. I can only hope the Bloggess fairy is able to magic back lost laptops. I wouldn’t have necessarily thought twice about putting a laptop in my hold luggage, so I guess it could have happened to anyone. 🙁

  5. I wish there was a remote controlled device that disabled your electronics from afar if they were stolen. Something like the blue screen of death, only with a big, pixel-y KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER message. Or something.

  6. LMAO!!!! I love the non-specific comments on your new sticker. This one in particular was a joy to behold.
    “Really great to seal my Christmas cards with these colorful stickers featuring a Christmas photo of my child!! ” which accompanied your “eat your ficking child” sticker. Love you Zazzle!

  7. I had someone climb up on a latter and into my bedroom window and steal my purse. This was over 20 years ago and I am still not over it so tell Victor he is wrong. So sorry it was stolen. Will the airline cover the loss since they are the ones who lost your luggage?

  11. I assume that they left the book because they already have one. (doesn’t everyone?)

    Also I am pretty sure the karmic reward for laptop theft is waiters spit in your food for all eternity and you catch Ebola and die.

  12. That poem is the most amazing bad ass poem ever! I’m right there with you wishing the loss of body parts on whomever took your laptop. I’ve had rather dear things stolen and it definitely makes one feel stabby.

  13. That is one of the best poems I’ve ever read.
    On that note, so sorry to hear about your lost writings… thieves are fucking awful, in a way that maggots or eye-herpes are awful.

  15. And I’m hoping someone has a crisis of conscience and turns your computer back in to you. That is truly shitty.

  16. We’ll know when someone starts posting fresh fantastic chick wit online, that its yours and we’ll nab your computer back.

  18. The nerve of people — seriously, why do they have to take stuff. I do however really love those stickers! Will the airport not cover your laptop — must have been one of their employees that took it, right?

    (It could have been one of their employees or it could have been someone from the delivery service that delivers bags that arrive late. I sent in a complaint and they’re “looking into it”. I have no real proof though that it was there and so I’m not sure what will happen. I assume nothing. ~ Jenny)

  19. uh, of course they left your book because they already have a copy. no, make that TWO copies.

  23. Tell Victor to stop being a terrorist. This is clearly a national emergency. Way to drop the ball AGAIN, Homeland Security.

    P.S. I totally would have stole your book too.

  24. Maybe they didn’t actually steal the laptop. Maybe it’s part of an elaborate treasure hunt. Have you searched the book for clues? Like, notes written in the margins, that will eventually lead you to your laptop, wrapped in twine, held by Nathan Fillion?

  25. I hope who ever stole your laptop goes onto some 3rd rate website and downloads a virus and right before the laptop goes dark, a message on the screen says “fuck you, you dirty rotten scoundrel” and then karma fucks them and their hair falls out and they lose sight in only one eye so that with their other eye they can see an image of you giving them the finger on CNN.

    Well, at least that’s how I’d write it if this was an episode of Castle.

  28. And I always thought Victor was the sane one, but after reading your book I’m not so sure.

    I am however pretty sure that anyone who steal a laptop but fail to recognise the value of a Bloggess book WILL contract syphilis, be too stupid to realise what is happening and indeed have their genitals fall off. Possibly in church, if they have conflicted morality. Or just trying to steal the pulpit.

  30. Everyone should have a friend like Marty. My husband would have cut straight to the “I told you to never check that shit” and by shit he means everything. He might be a little paranoid or just watched that George Clooney movie too many times.

  31. Oh, no – if anything, I’d say you’re under reacting. Which is supposed to be one word, but autocorrect wins. Anyway. If i lost my writing laptop, I’d probably scream and cry like a tantruming toddler; no telling what I’d do if someone stole it. I’m sorry that happened to you.

    The fairy is awesome, though.

  32. Oh, my dear….my dear. I tell you what. Once you replace your stolen laptop, please let me bestow upon you a free license of LoJack for Laptops. I’m serious. Ping me (I think you can see my yahoo email address), and I will send you the key code for a free one-year subscription. I work for the company that makes it. If your laptop ever gets stolen again, we have a team of theft recovery officers (all ex-cops) that work with local law enforcement to get your laptop back. Email me!

  33. What airline is it so we can hammer them on twitter and make the stupid assed employee who took your stuff give it back? Sorry this happened, love love love the Fairy 🙂

  34. Please do yourself and all of us a favor and complain to anyone who will listen about it. Or get Victor to. Or Wil. Make claims against the airline. Anything to let people know that this is not acceptable behavior for baggage handlers, since the impression I inexplicably get from anyone and everyone is to expect theft from checked bags.

  35. If a few thousand of us buy a set of your stickers you’ll be able to buy a whole new laptop.

    I’ve done my part. Who’s next?

  36. Ohhhh, that sucks. I’d cry if someone stole my laptop and my laptop is old and janky and only works half the time if I hold my breath and wiggle the power cord just right. But it’s where I keep my stuff! Sorry your stuff got stolen. 🙁

  37. Losing your laptop is the worst. I back all my stuff up on Dropbox these days – huge lifesaver. But I hope that you manage to recover it yet. That’s a pretty kickin’ drawing, at least!

  38. Marty is awesome and good call on the stickers… except if they are a Bloggess fan, in which case they become an incentive instead of a deterrent, but seriously you can’t plan for every contingency.. then again I’m not much of a planner.

  39. Maybe they wanted your laptop to find the chapters of your book that got cut during editing. Maybe they’re just poor, misguided fans and you should be honored. Pissed because seriously, I’d rather lose a limb than a laptop, which I’m SURE is very comforting to you right now, but still, their dedication to consuming your work is oddly flattering.

  40. When my iPhone was stolen I prayed the person responsible would contract herpes of the asshole, so I think you are more than in your rights to pray for a little syphilis.

    Glad you had a wonderful time on tour!

  43. My two grandmothers each had their own curses. Grandma Betta used to say “May he get what he deserves.” My Grandma Ruthie used to say “May she get hemorrhoids!” Each was very satisfying in its own unique way.

  44. Oh honey, I’m sorry! Maybe said asshat will return it to the airline under the guise of “finding it”. Much love and have a wine slushie. Hope Hailey feels better soon. 🙁

  46. Someone once stole a pair of hockey skates from the front seat of my car while I was at a guy’s house buying a bag of, um, let’s say oregano. Anyway, I too felt violated but got to talking to some kids in the neighborhood and a few days later got a call from the guy whose house I was at and what do you know, my skates showed up. Not saying that will happen for you, but you never know. This story takes place over a decade and a half ago.

  48. Sorry to hear about your loss… that is massively bumtasterific! They didnt take your book because they realized that artwork could not be replaced. A laptop is a simple commodity.

  49. I saw a commercial for Space Bags that showed how you could pack for 10 days in your carry-on. So you shoulda put your laptop in a Space Bag. Wait. Never mind. Sorry, my “delete” key is broken.

  50. I am so sorry about your laptop. Horrible. I can only hope Copernicus was your screen wallpaper, so he’s the first thing the thief sees.

    That’ll teach ’em.

  51. True confession: I, too put my work laptop into my checked baggage which apparently triggered a search by the TSA. Unfortunately, the ancient, crappy PC that the IT department gave me was still in the suitcase when I got home.

  52. Welcome back to central Texas! (Just in time to come see me in Pflugerville on Thursday.) I’m sorry about your laptop. I’d rather lose my brain than my laptop. My laptop is ALWAYS with me, or at least locked in the trunk of my car. And just for the record, I do not equate my brain with my mind – the latter has been missing for years.

    Years ago someone broke into our van at a concert in Houston and steal a new suit THAT I HAD NEVER WORN and a whole bunch of CDs and then carry everything off in a pillowcase that had been filled with the rest of a set of sheets and a bunch of clothes I was donating to Goodwill the next day. Stealing from the underprivileged is SO wrong!

  53. I left my laptop in my suitcase last fall, and then the suitcase missed the flight, and then my husband freaked out and repeated over and over how right he is about it. It turned up without laptop missing, but his doomsday clock is now 20 minutes closer to midnight, so we all lost.

    You should’ve put a bird on it. Some people WANT airborne syphillis.

  54. Sorry about your laptop… that really sucks! The laptop was taken when it was checked?! That’s just wrong on so many levels!

    The Bloggess Fairy is a world of awesome!

  56. A few years back, I was flying home from my crappy-but-well-paying job to go to my sister’s wedding social & purposely bought a bright yellow (think fluorescent), unique suitcase for all my stuff. I figured if it was bright & unique, I’d be able to pick it out of all of the other bland, boring black bags that everyone else has. Sadly, the colour & uniqueness didn’t prevent someone from stealing the suitcase, leaving me with zero clothes for the weekend’s festivities – my favourite t-shirts & jeans, gone, forever 🙁

    I did manage to get a free round-trip flight during the busy season out of the airline… and I also made damn sure I could see them load the luggage on the plane during that flight. No way was I going to lose another quarter of my wardrobe.

    I try not to think about who stole my suitcase or what they did with the contents. It helps me sleep better at night 🙂

    Also, the stickers are FANTASTIC. And just creepy enough to keep sticky fingers far away 🙂

  57. Syphillis is cureable– instead, you should wish they get that new antibiotic-resistant strain of gonhorrea!! Then their dick will really fall off.

    Getting robbed sucks, but kickass fairy says not to worry!

  58. You didn’t by any chance have that nifty software that means you can track your laptop to do. Something similar happened to a guy in NYC and he activated it and his tweets went viral (can anyone remember that? Because I swear to god I’m not making it up.)
    Anyhow, also name the airline so we can all tweet them.
    What an assholey thing for someone to do. Fucking asswipe. Hope whoever did it gets a flesh eating virus on the nether regions.

  59. That sucks. People are douchebags. Someone stole my then 11 year old daughter’s camera on a flight home from England and I had my gameboy advance stolen on a flight home from Ireland. Does being in the air somehow make the norms of common decency inapplicable or what?

  61. I had my motorbike stolen in January and I spent forever wishing the bastard looses a limb, same for your thieving fuckbag. A particulalry nasty strain of genital warts would be a welcome present for them too!

  62. They kept your laptop but gave you back Copernicus? Damn, a thief with a brain. Hopefully they will sell the laptop to someone who knows of you and they will do a good samaritan type thing. (But hopefully the thief will have to use the money they make for emergency genital reattachment surgery.)

  63. I’ve even heard of TSA agents stealing stuff. Not long ago an agent was arrested for stealing over $5000 from a flyer. Here’s hoping your laptop is located and returned to you!

  64. I’m so sorry that your laptop was stolen! Those bastards! Also, it was very nice to meet you Saturday!

  65. I once was robbed while on vacation in Italy. I’ve found the pickpockets/thieves in Mediterranean countries to be quite skilled and rather inventive, but I got robbed by the rejects. They broke into the rental car and stole a pair of my shorts (which was a matching set with a shirt – it was the early 90’s and I was in middle school – shut up) and one of my mom’s shirts (which also was a matching set, though quite different from mine). They left cameras, money, my dad’s clothes, and many less hideous clothes of mine and my mother’s behind. I like to think that somewhere in Italy there’s a dude walking around in green shorts covered in tropical leaves and a blue flowered shirt. Awesome.

  66. I’m going to carry around these stickers to put on the elliptical machine at the gym so no bitches take my spot. That is assuming that I actually go the gym…

  68. I may have watched The Goonies too much as a child but I enjoy booby trapping my luggage (both carry on and checked) with this golden “toy” I found one year at Halloween.

    Bonus? It almost made a TSA agent piss himself.

    http://twitvid.com/7TENT <– if you want one of these let me know. I stocked a few.

  69. I would suggest putting a sticker on all of your luggage that reads “Active Neurotoxin inside. Opening this case will result it it being released into the air causing mass casualties” – But trust me when I say this … the airlines and homeland security frowns on jokes like that. 🙂

  71. This reminds me of that episode when Charles Ingalls discovered that someone was stealing eggs all the time from the farm and he always wondered, “why didn’t they just steal the whole chicken?” because it’s really stupid to just go back for eggs everyday when the chicken could give you eggs forever. The next morning, Mary set the house on fire while making scrambled eggs from the few they had left and a one-armed traveling potions salesman rescued them and when Albert went to hug him they found he had a pocket full of stolen eggs. They all forgave him because he was clearly sent by God to save Mary from killing everyone.
    I just made that all up.

  73. The fact that the loss of your computer resulted in these glorious stickers proves to me that there is always a silver lining, or that when God closes a door she opens a window, or some other cheerful crap like that. I am dying from the hilarity of your Juanita stickers. Thank you.

  74. Dude, sorry to hear about our laptop because now how am I going to commuicate with you? Plus, your Fairy Bloggess is badass and totally kicks my Fairy Godmother Fairy in the ass. But on a good point, now that you are a Fairy too, we can fly around together and hit people with our wands. Awesome! Love ya!

  75. The most disturbing thing about the stickers is the “you might also like” suggestions at the bottom. Airborne VD and baby shower stickers with cute monkeys on them are soooooo similar. I hope I shipped those two orders to the right places…

  76. I promise that if I come across your lappy on Ebay, Craigslist or somewhere else that I will resist turning it into a shrine and will return it to you.

    Also, I hope Copernicus pulls a Freddy Krueger on the lappy thief and “hugs” them in his very special way in their sleep. Or, better yet, as they try to log into/hack your lappy. Or that they actually use it on their lap, it overheats and for the rest of their life they have to explain the burn marks on their junk.

    I have to hurry to order some stickers. I am getting on a plane in nine days… do you suppose TSA will pull me aside for extra screening if I slap them on my underwear strategically to prevent the x-raying of the Lady Garden?

  77. Of all the stuff that’s probably in YOUR suitcase, ie taxidermy, I’m amazed they found the laptop. The fact they left your book shows they have absolutely no taste, in addition to being absolute douchenozzles.

    I’m still amazed at you doing this tour. What an incredible accomplishment.

  78. Oh fuckityfuck if someone stole my computer… I’m no literary genius, but I do have upward of 1000 pages of writing in here, and NONE of it’s backed-up. Bad! Oh, and pictures of the kids.

    Those stickers are THE best thing I have EVER seen and I think I will buy a few for the friends of mine who have an adequate sense of humor and whose kids can’t read. (Mine can, and since it’s frowned upon for six-year-olds to say ‘fuck’ I’ll have to go without. *sniff*) …I guess I can get by with the ‘Airborn Siphilis’ one, but it doesn’t have my favorite cuss-word in it.

    Sorry your computer was stolen, that really does suck giant monkey-balls. 🙁

  79. I bet you have a ton of good karma coming your way and that your laptop will be returned to you in due time, along will gallons of wine slushies.

  80. You’re really not helping Victor, in fact you are no longer allowed to talk unless you have something HELPFUL to say

  81. When I grow down I want to be half as amazing and have half as much creative composure as you do. I would have gone bat shit crazy and probably eaten off the tips of my fingers. And I don’t have a picture of Wil Wheaton doing anything, just a picture of a rabbit with a pancake on it’s head that someone gave me when I cried because I misplaced my keys… in my purse. I’m that girl. You rock. Thanks for keepin on, even though some syphilis ridden douchecannoe has your laptop… I hope it gives him the blue screen of death (or little bomb if it’s a mac).

  82. I wouldn’t take my laptop in carry-on I don’t think…at least in the past I never would have. If I’m ever able to get on a plane again I think I will though :/

  83. How did the thieves get past Copernicus?? I’m sure he at least put up a good fight. Tell the cops to look for somebody with a laptop and some small strangle marks around their neck!

  84. 🙁 That sux toefarts! Victor just doesn’t understand this type of loss. It’s like losing your journal AND your purse with all the secrets, the addresses and phoneno. to cute guys and all the cool photoboot photos back when laptops and twitter didn’t exist.

    After I lost two university assignments on my old laptop I’ve used this online backup service. http://www.carbonite.com/en/4b No matter what happens to your laptop all your writings will be saved. They will help you go through restoring your files with you on the phone – in baby steps – at all hours of the day or night. They are nice and happy to help you, even when you are slightly hysterical and don’t know how to do these things, which is a little suspicious, I know. Perhaps they’re aliens?

  85. How much clown porn did you have on your laptop? Because quite honestly, I would be afriad to steal your laptop…there has to be a whole bunch of stuff on it that I would not want to know about…if I was a normal person that is.

    Here is to hoping that they get painful monkey warts all down the left side of their body.

  86. Totally sucks. It’s true that you don’t understand how violated one feels after things are stolen. My daughter got a coach purse for her 18th birthday. She loved it! We don’t get a lot of coach purses around here.. Just sayin. Someone broke the window of her car and took it because she left it in the car in the driveway in front of our house. We live in a semi rural area, outside Baltimore/DC. She was devastated. Thieves deserve airborne syphilis.

  88. Sorry. I’m with Victor on this one. You don’t check your laptop. Bad idea. Same with your camera, good jewelry, etc.

    Sucks. But yeah, they open up your stuff at their whims. And apparently steal it with no consequences.

  89. Maybe your laptop ran away with Wheaty the Kindle and they’ll live happily ever after?

  91. Fuck the fucking fucker! He may have stolen your hard work, but he can’t steal the awesomeness that is you.

  92. LoJack for Laptops sounds awesome! Unless you’re me. Then they’d find my laptop and throw my ass in jail because of the illegal um files.

  93. The stickers are temendous! Not sure TSA would appreciate them.
    I don’t think they have a sense of humor.

  96. I also had my laptop stolen when I was in Vegas last year, they also took our portable DVD player and all of my daughter’s Disney DVDs. I was more upset that some dick was looking at all my family pictures I had stored on there then actually losing the laptop. It was also a very long drive home to Alberta Canada with a 3 year old and no dvds! Just finished your book, I loved it! I hope one day you will plan a Canadian book tour 🙂

  98. I travel a lot to do my job. Sometimes with 2 or 3 laptops at a time.
    Occasionally these do get left in rental cars & hotel rooms.
    The company ones- who cares. – everything is on a network
    My personal one, though, has a HUGE sticker on the bottom that reads
    “STOP – do not sell this laptop. CALL ME and I will arrange to Buy you a brand new laptop – you name the specs Dell.Com knows me well.
    If you are wanting something more portable- Like Cash, instead of a pawn shop – PLease CALL ME – i will come pay you for my own property.
    No Questions asked! No cops – I just want my files”
    because, although I back up often, replacing data is worth more in time than the actual machine

  99. That makes me want to cut a bitch. Since no one knows who the culprit is, Ima just cut random bitches and maybe I’ll get the right one. Also I am using my voodoo doll (that I actually bought from Marie Laveau’s great-great-granddaughter…maybe there was another great. I don’t remember) to curse the person with leprosy followed by elephantiasis of the nuts (or vagina, if there’s such a thing).

  101. I need to find a voodoo doll for you to use but I guess since I don’t know what this person looks like, i can’t make it in their crappy likeness.

  103. Yikes. I hate this happened to you. But as a suggestion, look into tracing software. We put Preyproject on a computer to test it and then howled with laughter at the messages we could force it to display locally. (Unfortunately “YOU ACTUALLY STOLE THIS PIECE OF SHIT??” wasn’t appropriate for the workplace.) I love it.

  104. and may the fleas of 1000 camels infest their pubic hair for the remainder of their days…total jackassery. Seriously, so sorry about your laptop. I hope you had everything backed up on an external hard drive. And I am totally buying some of those stickers before I fly again…

  105. I’m sorry about your stolen laptop. Tell Victor that I said he needs to be more sympathetic because there is nothing worse then having your personal possessions taken from you by some two-bit piece of crap waste of human flesh.

    3.5 years ago I was away visiting my sister who just had her first baby and my house was broken into. Luckily I had my laptop and camera with me but the thieves did get my wedding present from my husband which was a sapphire heart necklace surrounded by diamonds and set in white gold and my grandfathers gold police badge. The other things they took weren’t worth much and didn’t make much sense. ( toilet paper, bath towels, my sons first pair of cowboy boots) they cooked food in my oven and went through my underware drawer. I felt violated in a way I never experienced before. I still feel sadness over it. Your feelings are valid.

    I hope all the thieves of the world contract airborne syphilis.

  106. So already a big fan and feeling horrible that your laptop was stolen. Have to say I’m a bit with Victor on this one, checking a laptop = begging for it to be stolen.

    However your stickers are awesome and I will be buying them soon. As for Zazzle’s reviews, they make your stickers even more AWESOME!

  107. Sigh. My husband snarks at me for stuff like that too. “Don’t put your laptop in your suitcase.”
    “Don’t keep driving the fucking truck without transmission fluid!”
    “Don’t dump a full cheesecake pan upside down in the oven.” Sheesh.

    Here’s hoping vengeance shall be yours, and the thieves somehow receive the honey-and-ants-on-their-nutsacks retribution they deserve. Is that too bloody? I think not.

  108. That sucks about your laptop. Obviously the work of a struggling blogger looking for good material. No, it wasn’t me.

  109. Comment After Update: I have never been so disappointed to NOT know anyone who is pregnant right now. I would throw the GREATEST babyshower with these stickers…

  110. I can’t believe you lost your laptop… that’s awful. I never put mine in my suitcase, but I suffer from massive paranoia. Um…and well, bad shoulders/back from carrying it with me.

    the laptop thieves will suffer from karma, though…

  111. I think I’ve always been hyperviligant when it comes to travel and theft. I never check anything that is really important to me. However, it didn’t prepare me for someone breaking into my home and stealing my stuff. I learned the hard way not to keep jewelry in a jewelry box. It is like I put a bunch of my favorite things in an easy to spot and easy to carry box just to make things easier for the thieves. I am really sorry for your loss.

  112. I rarely fly anymore but my luggage has been lost too many times in the past for me to risk putting anything of value in it, if I did fly. I would never check my lap top, camera, prescriptions, important papers, glasses/contacts or jewelry I am not willing to lose. I used to be a trusting person, but now I just assume some low life asshole will go through my luggage, and it may be lost also.
    You have my complete sympathy on the loss of your lap top and the feeling of violation!!

  113. This is awesome! Not that someone stole your laptop, but since you put a curse on them it will all be fine. I love the stickers, though. And the comments on zazzle sound like they were for a different sticker but they sure made me laugh.

    I’m so buying those stickers to put on everything!

  114. Oh no! I hope you file a claim with the airline and you can get it back or at least get the money for it. Those sticker comments are HILARIOUS. They make me want to buy your stickers and use them on Christmas gifts, simply for my own amusement.

  115. I’ve seen how they throw suitcases around….I wouldn’t put my laptop in their either and I wasn’t even thinking of getting robbed! Sorry- that sucks. On the plus side, I just got my copy of your book delivered from Amazon today so I’m sure that totally makes your day better 😉

  116. Jenny,
    First thing the TSA does to checked baggage is x ray it, then open it to confirm valuables. I think there is a whole theft ring with the TSA involved. It’s just a blind when they arrest a few of them every now and then. I like portable hard drives, fit in a purse.

    As much as I hate to say it, Victor is right about checking the laptop. Ow, hurts to admit it.

  117. Could you post what kind of laptop it was? People could check local craigs lists / ebay etc.

  118. Sorry you lost your laptop. I never lose anything. I hate it when things like that happen. I insisted upon bringing an 18k Tiffany necklace with me to Mexico (I know. Terrible idea) with my husband (then fiance), and didn’t wear it home, so, of course, my bag got pilfered before it left the country. I’m never going to Mexico again, by the way.

  119. it’s shit like this that makes me wish I still believed in the power of prayer and all that bullshit. But sadly I don’t. So I will settle for trying to kill the laptop thief with the power of my mind.

  120. Stickers fall off luggage:( How about a touch it or die LUGGAGE TAG! Permanent evil threats. Mwahahaha.

    Sorry about your laptop. People can be not cool some days.

  121. fuckers can’t read, which is why they didn’t steal the book. probably had to take the laptop to pay for getting their ankle bracelet fees renewed.

    I adore the stickers!

    Take that chick up on the laptop lojack thing!

  122. Hahaha! “…sweet little inexpensive touch that packed a punch.” I guess nothing says “Happy 2nd Birthday!” like “I’ll eat your fucking baby”. Priceless. Sorry to hear about your laptop, though. That really blows. 🙁

  123. Jenny, I am sorry that you lost all of your work. That is sucktastic. Also, I wanted to tell you that the comments under your sticker make sense to me. I would TOTALLY put that on some homemade cookies, ’cause no one but me gets to eat those! For. Real.

  125. Just an idea but you may want to use your power of evil for good and @ the airline asking to get your manuscript back at least from the laptop or the weasel gets it. *insert image of Copernicus choking Juanita*

    I have a feeling the legion of misfits will be able to take it from there.

    The airline will probably take the ensuing shitstorm on twitter (and general awesome WTF-ery that your followers come up with) more seriously than a strongly worded letter on your behalf and misfits like me have something to do with their spare time.

    It’s a win-win for everyone except the asshat that stole your laptop and the airline that let it happen.

  126. Sorry about your laptop, I think its too bad you can’t operate skype remotely, then you could haunt them. When they are all alone the pilfered laptop could say “you’re not going out dressed like that?”, “Thats the stupidest thing you’ve thought all day”. I am pretty sure they would mail it back to you.

    Thanks for your book, I had to endure my wife snorting and giggling until I could get it away from her, now she is the one listening to me snort.

  127. I’m sorry your laptop was stolen! I hope you get it back. I hope the thief is riddled with guilt as well as syphilis!

    My 8yo knows how you are feeling – her shirt got stolen from her swimbag, which was in the locker at the YMCA during family swim. My husband brought her home wrapped in a wet towel. I was furious on her behalf. I’ve ordered a new set of Mabel’s Labels for us. I might get your labels, too, so I can see which kid comes out the little girls locker room and tells her parents she’s just been infected with airborne syphilis 🙂

  129. OH MY FREAKING GOD! THOSE STICKERS ARE THE MOST BAD ASS THING EVER!! BUYING! BUYING BUYING! “TOUCH IT AND I’LL EAT YOUR BABY!” BITCHES!! YEAH!

  130. Ha! I can just imagine how a hormonal new mother would feel after receiving a chocolate covered pretzel at her baby shower that read, “Touch it and I’ll Fucking Eat Your Baby.”

  131. Obviously they had already stolen two copies of the book.

    Naturally I have forwarded the link to your stickers to my daughter to see if she would like them for her wedding. Takes the edge off being Mother of the Bride. Have I done enough? Too much?

    Still giggling uncontrollably after fifteen minutes. That has got to be a good sign.

  132. Those Zazzle comments SHOULD have made your day. They made mine. Funny how they actually seem to reference the charming sticker you created.

  133. If someone showed up to a “Little Prince” themed baby shower carrying bags of homemade chocolate pretzels decorated with your stickers, I think I would propose to that person. Boy, girl–it really wouldn’t matter.

  134. I am super paranoid about my laptop and never let it out of my sight when I travel. It doesn’t go in the trunk of the cab, or in with the luggage on the shuttle. Much of the time I don’t even put it in the overhead bin, I have it underneath the seat at my feet. There’s some pictures and “stuff” on there that I really, really don’t need strangers getting their hands on! Plus I’d be lost without it. Trying to use the internet on my phone sucks.

  135. That totally sucks- mercilessly harass and annoy this airline. And Corey Ann is right- you can pull a Jen Lancaster, give us and all your Twitter followers the name of the airline, and watch us blow up their social media sites with demands for your laptop to be returned or replaced. In other news, the Zazzle reviews are hilarious!

  136. I cannot even imagine how much losing your laptop can suck. I am so sorry. Hopefully you had a lot of your stuff backed up. If not, I am soo, soooo, so sorry 🙁

    But the zazzle comments are awesome! And the fairy story!

  137. Now I love Marty Kelly and need to check out zazzle. Y’all are making me broke all because I need a friggin laugh!

  138. Those. Epic. Bastards. My law firm is totally at your disposal should you need it. Not sure how much good that will do, since we’re in Chicago and you’re in Texas, but there it is. If they took the Tiny TARDIS, they will pay. Or we could probably get the Sisters Ruehl to send another one. They are sweethearts like that.

    It was great to see you while you were up here, and thank you for our mp3 audio signature. It goes well with our audio book.

  139. Great stickers.

    And about backing up that computer, I swear Dropbox. Because you don’t really have to backup. You don’t have to remember or be organized or any of that stuff so many of us are not. And you don’t even have to feel bad about it.

    You go to their site on the web, download something, and then you’ll see this little Dropbox space in your hard drive. So when you’re saving a file in Word, just get used to saving it in your Dropbox file. That way, when you save it, it gets automatically saved to Dropbox online. Like magic. The no-effort back-up, for people who don’t back-up themselves.

    And then if you ever get your laptop stolen or drop it or spill stuff on it, your files are right there online at Dropbox.

    It’s a beautiful thing.

  141. Oh.
    That was your laptop?
    Um. Sorry.
    The good news is I caught a venereal disease.
    The bad news is I don’t go to church.
    ; ) Sorry you got jacked luv.
    Oh- and dingos eat babies- not weasels. Well-known fact.

  143. Holy crap, have you seen Dinner for Schmucks??! Cuz I just saw it the other day and it totally reminded me of you. Cuz of the taxidermy thing, not cuz you’re a schmuck. I mean, you’re not a schmuck. The end.

  144. May the thief/thieves be struck down with gaseous explosive diarrhea in the midst of spreading the syphilis they are surely too selfish to have treated. I mourn your lost writing with you.

    On a related note: Every time I think I’m having a sucky day you manage to have a suckier one. This is not a competition, Jenny!

    Wait, no, I didn’t mean related to diarrhea or syphilis like I….
    Shit, never mind.

  145. My ex husband stole my laptop a few years ago and there was nothing i could do because we were still “legally” married even though I had purchased the laptop 3 years before I even met the bastard and we were only together 9 months. He also stole two of my cameras and jewelry. Every once in a while I will remember a picture I had on the computer that I will never get back like the one where my cat Cadence had to go to the vet and get an IV in his leg. They shaved one of his legs and he looked like he had a gimpy leg. Now I’ve lost that picture of Cadence with a gimpy leg forever. I’m also waiting for my naked pictures to appear on the internet somewhere. Somebody also broke into my car at the gym last year and stole my purse, wallet and everything inside. Wonder who THAT could have been?? I can only hope Karma is bad!! I would also hope he gets genital warts on his penis but he didn’t have a penis so……..I sympathize with you on your loss.

  146. You know some airline employee is the one who raped your fucking suitcase. I’d twit the shit out of this so the airline gets to the bottom of this. And fuck Victor, you have every right to keep your laptop in your suitcase and have it NOT GET STOLEN. Baggage handlers = Shoplifters.

  147. It is really sucky when a computer crashes, much less gets jacked. However, I am sure that you had everything backed up to Carbonite.com so you will be able to easily recover your files when you purchase that brand spanking new, top of the line laptop with the settlement check you get from the airline. I hope you remembered to list the full length mink coat and 2 fox-fur stoles that were also in that bag, along with the Jimmy Choo strappy sandals and the Dooney & Bourke handbag. But seriously, if you didn’t have everything backed up, I feel your pain.

  148. Yes, the airborne syphilis sticker will absolutely keep scumbags from stealing your laptop on future flights.

    If they can read.

    And they don’t think “airborne syphilis” is Lady Gaga’s latest perfume.

    And if the Homeland Security people, who are renowned for their sense of humor, do not taser you and THEN ask questions about syphilis.

    Or you could CARRY your laptop on the plane, but then Victor and the terrorists would win.

    Note: Wouldn’t Victor and the Terrorists be a kick-ass name for a rock band — perfect for luggage stickers!

  149. I’m so mad about your laptop being stolen that I would eat a baby on your behalf. Maybe even a middle-schooler. That’s how worked up I am.

    I’m buying those stickers and I’m going to put them on everything I hold dear. My laptop and two cats, for starters. Also, please affix a sticker to yourself. If not one of Juanita, at the very least something that says, “If found, please return to Victor.” Or “If found, please return to alonewithcats.” Your choice, really.

  150. I would flip my shit if my luggage was lost and laptop stolen. FLIP.MY.SHIT. That is not cool. There is no such thing as an overreaction in this situation. I am overreacting for you, all the way from the west coast, just out of sheer commiseration. Also, I love Marty Kelley’s Bloggess Fairy Poem and rendition of you.

  151. Shitty that your laptop got thiefed. 🙁 I hate thieves.

    The reviews are so funny though. It’s like they fit…. kinda. Hilariousness.

  152. I don’t think it’s overreacting. I would have gone completely off the deep end. I can be all cool and calm UNTIL someone fucks with my shit. It is clearly the by-product of having 3 siblings.

  153. They must have not-stolen your book because they already have a shrine of 100 of them at home, and another next to that shrine would just be excessive.

    (hugs)

  155. Hey, have you seen Dinner for Schmucks?! Cuz I just saw it the other night and it totally reminded me of you! Because of the taxidermy awesomeness, not because you’re a schmuck. I mean, you’re not a schmuck. The end.

  156. That sucks! Bastards. I am really starting to hate flying. Write another book and/or come to Traverse City, Michigan. Thanks.
    PS love the stickers and the comments. Fucking awesome.

  157. She didn’t “lose” her laptop…some a-hole STOLE it!
    Jenny, just think good thoughts and they might come true, like if that ya-hoo tries to tun on your laptop his teeth will all fall out, or his hair, or his nuts, or wait it – could be a woman, so scratch the nuts idea…

  158. That’s gotta be one confused thief right now. Thousands of documents about clown porn… I bet you get it back.

  159. What kind of douche DOESN’T steal the book? If I were the sort of douche who stole laptops I’d at least be all polite and go, “Oh, while I’m fucking up your world I think I’ll take your book too because it looks So Awesome.” Because that’s just manners.

  160. Well, of COURSE the airline is looking into it…a small crowd of their luggage handlers are probably gathered over the laptop as we speak (type?) going, “Dude, check this out! Chick’s into weird dead animals and shit!”

    Personally, I like the airline’s (pick one, any one) disclaimer in the fine print that anything on the outside of your suitcase is theirs, basically–or, as they phrase it, “If shit gets cut–oh, did we say cut? We meant knocked–off of the outside of your suitcase, don’t come crying to us.” Ok, maybe not quite like that. But like that. So the nice little suitcase identifying tag that I had just bought for a trip and tied onto the handle (and which had a tie nearly as secure as an ankle monitoring device) mysteriously turned up missing at the end of the flight.

    This really should be a national headline, though. “AMERICAN AIRLINES HOLDS THE BLOGGESS’S LAPTOP FOR RANSOM; SAYS BAGGAGE HANDLING FEES NOT ENOUGH ANYMORE ‘Stephen King–you’re next,’ says airline spokesman.'”

  161. I once went through months of back and forth with American Airlines over a bag so badly damaged half the contents had fallen out and vanished. They eventually decided that I didn’t “submit enough evidence” the 7 times I filed a claim.
    Good luck to you. I hope somebody realises what they have,who they have stolen from and it is returned promptly.

  162. Oh my god the comments from Zazzle have made my night! They even made my husband laugh, and he considers himself above silly pictures/etc.

  163. My mother spent two weeks in San Francisco without her luggage, my sister arrived a week into the holiday and she spent a week without her luggage. We show up at the check-in desk to discover that the bags were at the airport the WHOLE time. That was KPM Airlines.

    I hope the fucker that stole your laptop gets sterilized from the WiFi signal as it sits on their lap. (Yes, fuckers like this make me wish that were true.)

  166. i’m so glad i came back to see the update. those zazzle reviews are hilarious – if it’s ok to laugh at a time like this.

    i can’t even imagine how you must feel.

  167. thiefs SUCK. i hope they READ off your laptop AT church and immediately their genitals ignite. that would be awesome. i love the comments on zazzle. they are so polite for something that says, “i’ll eat your fucking babies.”

  168. I thought your stickers were awesome until I read the reviews. Now I know they are beyond incredible!!!

    I hope you can get your laptop back…or insurance money to get a brand new, better one. Sorry it got stolen. 🙁

  169. I just want to say Thanks!!! After having a crappy time at puppy class and then sending my kids to bed early because they too were psycho this evening, your blog is just want I needed to add a smile. Well, that and the beer I grabbed…. then maybe the bottle of wine I put in the fridge to chill while I have said beer.

  170. Cannot. Stop. Laughing. At. Sticker.

    I had my fizzy Immunity Plus drink shoot out my nose. Might be better than a coffee buzz…

  171. While we’re all outraged at thieves and wishing them all them to get injected with a cocktail of VDs in the eyeballs, I’d just like to share a personal rant: 4-5 years ago we moved and, of course, everything went into labelled boxes. One such box, with all our Christmas decorations, was labelled “Christmas” and got stolen. They’re not even particularly valuable decorations, but they’re tradition as we’ve had them for ages. Somewhere out there, someone’s decorating their house at Christmas with stolen goods.There are no words… only curses

  173. Your sticker reviews made me laugh so hard. Would it be wrong for me to review it as ‘Perfect for Baby showers?”

    As for your laptop… Shall we sic the internet on them? LAUNCH THE INTERWEBZ!

  175. Well, whoever looks through your computer and finds all of the clown porn is going to have a huge shock!

  176. ok, didn’t read through all the comments to see if this has been asked/answered or not, but was your laptop a mac? and if so, did you have ‘find my mac’ enabled? If so, track it! and disable it! If not, I highly suggest getting a mac to replace your missing laptop!

  177. Not only should they get syphilis, but it should be the new super drug-resistant kind so that they have to spend forever in the hospital to get it treated and while they’re there their pants and wallet get stolen on a daily basis and they cry but no one cares.

    I’ve had my apartment burgled and my wallet stolen from my desk at work, so I know how crappy it is when people take YOUR stuff. Bastards.

  178. If I gave out loot bags at my kids’ parties – which I don’t because who the hell wants all that plastic, sugary shit – I would totally include your stickers. Actually I may start handing out loot bags for that reason alone.

  179. HEY! If you bought it with a credit card, and you have a receipt, then maybe it will be covered by theft insurance and the Visa company will replace it. It will still suck to have lost your personal data, pics etc, but at least you might not have to pay for a new one.

  180. So sorry your laptop got stolen…i am not gonna preach at you or agree with Victor.
    The whole point here is that you are not over-reacting. and that whoever stole your laptop is an asshole. Why should the flying public EXPECT that things will be stolen from checked luggage?!? That just sounds like the TSA knowingly employs thieves. Let’s badger American Airlines and demand your laptop be found and returned! Your work is priceless.
    BTW I loved meetingyou in NJ.. And your Bloggess fairy and poem are awesome.

  182. Aww, Jenny, so sorry someone took your stuff..that was seriously shitty of them, thieves suck.

  183. I finally bought a kindle. You popped the kindle cherry. I fret that you have set dear kindle’s expectations too high.

  185. Shame on that laptop thief. I think your laptop will be magically restored.

    Love those sticker comments!

    You can give the thief a laptop dance, which involves stabbiness.

  186. I think it adds insult to injury when the thieves aren’t just thieves, but stupid thieves.

    I love the poem. It’s awesome.

  187. LOL! Auto-marketing-bot FAIL. Love it. Not as bad as the worst hotel tweet fail, but you are starting a new collection, I see.

    And sorry about the laptop. Really. Having lost too much luggage myself, I would never board a plane without my computer and other valuables in my carry-on, but that’s just me.

    The sticker is awesome. Way to channel your anger. Hope you had backups.

    Oh, and I just enabled Find My Mac…

  188. I think I’d die if someone stole my laptop. Not only all my writing (SOB!), but *shiver* my PASSWORDS. Like Victor, I never check my laptop, it travels with me in the cabin, like a pet. (I’d say like a child, but you can’t put a child under the seat in front of you.)

    I hope it’s found and the miscreant severely punished with a vile illness which is untreatable by modern medical science. I’ve been robbed a few times and no, you never get over it. I still daily curse the bastard assholes who stole my grandmother’s ring.

  189. Oh, man. Loosing your laptop sucks balls. After I lost mine I started using Carbonite to back everything up and Lojack for Laptops to help catch the idiot if he/she ever gets in and connects to the internet.

    If your husband is tech savvy you can ask him to setup a CMOS password. They’re hard to crack and your average crook won’t bother trying so even if you don’t get it back at least your private stuff will remain private. On the down side you have to type in a password each time you turn it on, but you get used to it.

    By the way, I hope you filed a claim with the luggage department. They might be able to reimburse at least part of your loss.

  191. Marty Kelley came to my son’s school this year and we have a signed copy of one of his books. :o) Thanks for the link to his site.

    Total suckage about the laptop.

    On another note, I saw a Dr. Who Tardis sticker at a Dunkin’ Donuts in Derry, NH. It was pouring rain, so I didn’t get out of my car, but I did take a picture through the passenger window. My 7 yr old thinks I’m a loony for doing. He just doesn’t understand. Now, if I could only remember what it said!!!!!

  192. If I stole your bag and then returned it so you could eventually have it back, the only thing I’d keep was the copy of your book. Just so you know.

  193. A few years ago, someone stole my bike out of our shed right at the beginning of the bicycle commuting season*, and I cried the hot, sad tears of a child. I was so devastated and heartbroken about my bike.

    I’m so very sorry about your computer. It totally sucks. And the If Onlys suck just as much.

    *bicycle commuting season: in Nova Scotia, for those of us no desire to bike on ice, it’s from early May until late November.

  195. Sorry to hear about your laptop. I feel badly for you. For writers, loosing a laptop isn’t just loosing a laptop. It’s like loosing a huge piece of your life…especially if it’s the only place where you write and save things. Here’s hoping for that syphilis flare up any minute now!!!

  196. Jenny, have you considered creating a package of your various cards? I’d love to buy a set, rather than individually. Just a thought. But a good thought.

  198. Oh I am SOO putting them on my Christmas cards…I can hear the gossip between my old aunts now…did you SEE what was on Shari’s card…oh my first she left the church and now this…HA HA HA!

  199. what the hell were you thinking??! Putting something as valuable as your book in a random pocket of your suitcase!!

    Super shitty about the laptop. I think I’d cry. Then puke. Then cry some more.
    LOOOVE the stickers. Totally putting them on my christmas cards like that commenter is.

  200. a few months back, a mountain troll at work who doesn’t me was complaining about my rash (it’s only eczema)…but I told her it was airborne syphyllis…I am so buying these stickers now!!!! I’m listening to the audio version now of your book after reading the Kindle version. AWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESOME!!!

  201. I will be buying these stickers ASAP! If their sheer perfection didn’t convince me enough, it was the random comments underneath, especially the baby shower under the “I’ll eat your baby”… that really sealed the deal. Zazzle knows what’s up!

  202. My library just bought your book. Which doesn’t get your laptop back or anything. It’s just the only ray of sunshine I could think of.

  204. I wish you could use some variation of FindMyiPhone on your laptop, to where you could not only wipe the memory and lock the screen, but also have a picture of Beyonce pop on the screen and yell, “Knock Knock Motherfucker!” Probably never get your laptop back, but freaked out thieves is always a nice image.

  205. If it makes you feel any better, I read recently that there is a computer virus that is attacking stolen computers. The infected computer will begin making porno movie noises and the cd drive will pop out and spray the attacker with white gel like substance that seemingly washes off. It is detectible for weeks under a black light.

    The FCC has been training Llamas to locate the stolen merchandise by smell. Upon finding said stolen merchandise, the Llama is to attack the crotch of the thief rendering him or her hurt and embarrassed.

    Finally a team of ninja assassins follow the llama and point and laugh at the trapped asshole whilst yelling “YOU ARE GETTING A BLOW JOB BY A LLAMA!!! FUCKING PERVERT!!!”

    They are arrested and put in prison wearing a t-shirt that says “LLAMA FUCKER”

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  206. I was going to say that someone should steal something of Victor’s and see how HE likes it, but I didn’t want to encourage more crappy behavior….People just don’t respect other people’s property anymore and I am sorry it happened to you. My husband travels all the time and has watched his luggage get rained on, had food poisoning (pass on the chicken Caesar wrap) and his brand-new ipod stolen by FLIGHT ATTENDANTS. He wrote a manifesto to the airline after the ipod incident, but they ignored him. Too bad, it was a mighty fine manifesto….
    I don’t hold out hope of you getting your laptop back – sorry – but I appreciate the laughs you were able to generate because of it. 🙂

  209. Those Zazzle reviews. So wrong….but oh so funny. I now want to buy your stickers for this year’s Christmas cards. bwa hahaha

  210. You can have my laptop if you want. It isn’t very good, and I’ll have to mail it to you, so there’s always the possibility that this one will get stolen too, and then my husband will probably yell at me for not putting one of those stickers on it first to protect it … but you can still have it. Because I care.

  211. Just wanted to let you know that your book is, in fact, something thieves are interested in. I had to buy a second copy on Amazon today, because someone stole your book from my apartment doorstep. I know it blows balls to have something taken from you, but hopefully, the rat bastard will enjoy it as much as I’m going to once it’s finally in my possession. Keep rocking the bad-assery!

  214. I don’t blame you for being pissed about it. Someone deserves to be punched in the face for that. It is just such a shitty thing to do because we all have work and data and pictures of our kids on our laptops.

    Not to scare you further, but did you have passwords “remembered” on websites like your bank? If you are like me, you do so you might want to quick go change passwords all over the place.

    Also, does your laptop have GPS? Seriously, some of the new ones do have a GPS tracking feature in case it gets stolen.

    American Airlines should realize this not only shakes your faith in them, but it shakes all our faith in them. And also, checking the laptop is not completely unrealistic considering how difficult they make security and storing anything on the plane. I had one airline tell me they HAD to check my laptop because there was no room for it on the plane.

  215. Zazzle…completely cracked me up. So…you’ve been robbed…insulted…and eclipsed by an e-store luvvy. The day can only get better.

  216. You know if I were a thief and I saw that sticker, I’d think “DAMN BAD MOJO HERE” and I’d go steal from Nathan Fillon’s laptop. ‘Cause (a) he’s a prick and (b) he likely don’t care. If my laptop had GPS I would SO be Wolverine and hunt ’em down…

  217. I had my Jeep Cherokee stolen…it was really disheartening. I was out with a friend and she drove to the restaurant from her house. When we got back, my Cherokee was gone. I was so bewildered, I wondered if I parked it somewhere else…I wasn’t even that drunk. I called my boyfriend at 2:30am in the morning asking, “Did you borrow the Jeep?” He was all like, “Why the hell would I borrow it without letting you know.” Then I realized…It was stolen. It was long night of police reports, calls to insurance company, and finding out that the bastards drove through a side of a house…And got away! Total my Cherokee…I’m still not over it. That was in ’03. Don’t let it lie. If was American Airlines, they are in bankruptcy proceedings, so it can fall through the cracks because everyone is disgruntled! You are totally justified in being pissed and wanting the destruction of genitals…I’d want a head on a stick.

  218. Here, this may cheer you up… I just watched a bonus content video on Geek and Sundry with Nathan Fillion in it and posted something about him being a hoser because he wouldn’t hold twine in the comments. Then I looked down through the other comments and many others had already posted similar comments. We’ve got your back, Jenny!

  219. I actually peed myself a little reading this. Seriously. Funny. The Zazzle reviews? You’ve got to be kidding me! You can’t make this up – I had to go to zazzle to see for myself. P.S. I’m sorry for your loss.

  221. Hmmm… Laptop goes missing just when new MacBooks come out… Coincidence? You needed a new one anyway, right? On the new one, install Carbonite or Mozy, never worry about data again.

  222. You should read your book. They might have left you a clue.
    UR COMPUTER IS IN A COW’S LADYPARTS. GIVE US PHOTOGRAPHY RIGHTS AND WE WILL TELL U HOW TO RETRIEVE IT.

  224. Having had airborne syphilis before, I can tell you those stickers are going to work. Of course I was Benjamin Franklin at the time, but my only memory of that incarnation was the damn airborne syphilis. Seriously. When they taught me about the kite and the electricity as a kid during this go-round I was all like, “I did what??”

  225. Slightly off topic…

    I would like to thank you for page 74, paragraph 2, line 12. I was not expecting that, and it makes me chortle at its random magnificence every single day.

    If anybody asks me why they should read your book, I simply refer them to that page and then stare at them until they GET IT! And yes, it is a test.

  227. I think I’m going to put those stickers in my child.

    Maybe make it into a childs size shirt that says “Touch me and I’ll eat YOUR fucking baby!”. I’d buy those for everyone I know.

  228. The reviews are hilarious! I’m picturing “Touch it and I’ll eat your f***in’ baby” tagged on the bride’s garter, “touch it and I”ll eat your f***in baby” stickers on candy tins at a 2yo’s party, “touch it and I’ll eat your f***in baby” on baby shower snacks. …that is truly magnificent.

  229. I recently volunteered to supervise a bunch of middle schoolers while they were backstage/offstage during my daughter’s school play. How did they repay me? One of them stole my kindle, downloaded $50 worth of nonsense and then probably threw it in the trash after Amazon shut it down. Shit happens, but it still pisses you off!

  230. Holy crap, how awesome is the review for the baby shower! Because that’s JUST what every baby shower needs….a sticker that says “Touch it and I’ll eat your fucking baby!”

  231. I am sorry about your laptop…Love the your humor. I hope the guys balls falls off in church too. Love the picture It looks cute. They just don’t know what good reading material is.

    Stevie

  233. Jenny,

    I love you, really, but have you NEVER traveled before??? Who puts a laptop or anything remotely valuable in checked baggage????? I’m with Victor on this one. Sorry.

  234. This sticker is just fabulous but I had housekeeping steal an outfit at a MAJOR LEAGUE theme park. I can’t stick that sticker on my clothes and meet Mickey Mouse, or can I?

  236. The Bloggess Fairy rocks my world. Sorry about your laptop. The stickers I think will definitely help next time.

  237. I am so sorry your laptop was stolen. If someone ever stole my laptop or tablet it would absolutely break my heart. However, I couldn’t stop laughing when I read your “trying to stay positive” remark. That’s awesome! I totally would’ve stolen your book and left the rest. The stickers are a hoot. Thanks for sharing. Hopefully, things get better.

  238. I can’t get past you putting your laptop in your suitcase…but then I thought about it, your blog and your book…and I got past it.

  239. That sucks about your laptop. Perhaps it happened so your would be inspired to create your stickers and zazzle could post horribly inappropriate and hilarious reviews about them?

  240. free VD anti-serum for an intact, stolen laptop…spread the word. Someone knows who stole it! You know there is some asshole out there who’s all, “guess what I just scored?” It’s like America’s Most Wanted…only Jenny’s Most Wanted, and there’s no phone number…just drop it back off at the airport and remain anonymous (besides the multitude of camera’s in said airport) Just wear a wig…and return the goods!

  242. Nothing says “Merry Christmas” like “do not open this fucking Christmas card!!” 😀

  244. Man, I would not like to be on that end of the Karma stick for whomever stole your laptop. What a dingleberry. I’m sure he’ll be mauled to death by boats, weasels, mice, alligators and other various animals. Things like these make me want to put little acid pouches in my laptop when I take it on trips that automatically are released if not adjusted after a certain amount of time. Then I remember that I have no desire to go to TSA jail. No passing Go and no collecting 200 dollars. Harsh.

    -The End

  246. Putting these stickers on everything – even my kid. maybe my underwear to freak the husband out… Possibilities are ENDLESS. Welcome home.

  249. Don’t be down about your book not being stolen. On Saturday I gave two of my friends copies of your book because I loved it so much. Both of them called me last night to tell me that the book was hysterical and that they love it. They also wanted to know if you have any other books out so they could read those too!

  250. I take a photograph with my phone (backed up on iCloud) of the contents that go into my suitcase. Easier to “prove” that it was there. In any case, it gives a visual of what was in there.

  251. A similar thing happened on my honeymoon this past January, except they broke mine by throwing my bag at the place we stayed. I watched them do it, then I got home and saw my computer screen was cracked. I called and politely made a stink, and they reimbursed me 50% of the computer and gave us two free night’s stay. I would call the airline and complain. Make a great post, if nothing else. Good luck. Oh, and love the sticker. Sad thing is, it’s not that far off from the truth…

    Just finished your book, btw. 🙂

  252. In case you aren’t aware… there is a “loJack” for laptops that you can get (at least for the future). Then at least you can send the blue uni’s to have a conversation with them about how they happened to come upon your laptop.

    I bet there is more interesting reads there than in the book though…. I hope it makes it way back one they figure out how cool and awesome you are.

  253. What a big pain in the rear to have your laptop stolen! On a different note, I’m an elementary school librarian, and this year I had a 1st grade class become obsessed with one of Marty Kelley’s books (Fall is Not Easy) They would fight over it. I can’t wait to share his awesome sticker design with their teacher. That way the adults and the kids can appreciate him!

  254. Although I can’t stand the Kardashians, you should ask to see the tapes. You’re just as famous as she is, well in my book you are. I hate when you work hard for something and someone thinks it’s okay to just take it. Uggghhh.

  255. Read the UPDATE just now!
    A-fuckin-a-men!!!!!
    I hope you read that as I wrote it, otherwise it can sound messed up.

  256. It’s weird how we seem to have accepted bottom-of-the-barrel customer service from airlines as normal. It shouldn’t be normal, and we should probably sick a buzzard or two at them and definitely a flock after whoever stole your laptop.

  257. A) Mean people suck. I hope whoever stole your laptop get bit by a tick and gets Lyme disease. S/he won’t die, but s/he’ll suffer for the rest of their life. Yeah, karma’s a bitch. I like being the agent of karma, not the victim.
    B) American Airlines sucks balls. — I will never travel with them again. Not only are they they only airline to have ever lost my luggage (twice, the fuckers), but when I went from Austin, TX to Richmond, VA last year, I had one stop in Dallas to change planes — American’s fucking HUB, fercryin’outloud. There was a problem with the next plane (who here is shocked? No one? Just as I thought.), and American ended up cancelling the flight, because “they didn’t have another plane.” AT THEIR FUCKING HUB. Just sayin’. On the way back from Virginia, SAME THING HAPPENED. So my vacation actually ended up 5 nights in Virginia, 2 nights in Dallas. Yeah. Fun!
    C) It was probably a TSA agent, not AA agent, who stole your laptop. And good luck getting TSA to admit to anything. Because they are too busy keeping us safe from nail clippers and embroidery scissors while laughing at the naked fat people and small-dicked men in their scanners.
    D) Wow. Apparently I am pretty jaded about air travel. I should stick to road trips…

  258. Ugh, sorry about the ordeal and the loss. In a way, for us little people, it’s good that someone with a presence is publicly going after change – no one listens to me when I have a problem, but your voice carries, and I appreciate your going after this!
    I follow a guy named Christopher Elliott – he is a travel consumer advocate, at http://www.elliott.org/ . He helps folks resolve disputes, etc. with airlines, rental car agencies, hotels… He also has a list of execs for each company so you can contact them directly! Specifically, here is the link to all the contact information at AA: http://onyoursi.de/wiki/airline/american-airlines-2/
    Hopefully you can get in touch with someone there.

  259. That Airline has no idea who they are dealing with… and they should not have too… customer service standards should be so difficult

  260. My husband’s laptop was stolen from our home over 2 years ago. They found it and it made its way back to us this week. Miracles can happen! The downside is his laptop had 110 updates to install and now his work wants him to use that ancient machine instead of the newer cooler laptop he’s using now. Sometimes winning is losing.

  261. Aww, Jenny, that sucks. I’m sorry to hear that it happened. I’ve had more than once instance over the years with things being stolen from my luggage, and that answer is almost always “too bad” or some variant thereof. I’m a new reader so I don’t know if you’re a homeowner or not, but if you are and have homeowner’s insurance you might be able to make a claim. We had two very expensive cameras stolen overseas (yes, he was an idiot to check them) and we called our homeowner’s insurance and they reimbursed us for them. YAY! Not sure if renter’s insurance has the same deal or not, but it’s worth a shot, especially since you’re paying them anyway.
    It’s the most bizarre set up with airlines, isn’t it? They get to make all the rules and we get to “deal” with it.

  262. Any chance that your laptop was a Mac and you can use Apple’s iCloud “Find My Mac” to… find your Mac? Might have had to jump through some hoops to set it up first, though. I’m very sad for you, Jenny! 🙁 At least the timing is right to get one of those fancy new MacBooks Apple announced this week — I’d chip in!

  263. This is exactly why I never check a bag if I can help it. Do you think you could disguise your laptop to look like dirty underwear? Because that’s what people find if they rifle through my bag.
    I absolutely LOVE that AA will respond on Twitter!! And I seriously hate companies with bad customer service.

  264. When we were travelling back and forth from Toronto to St. Louis before we moved here, my hub left his expensive prescription glasses in his jacket pocket on our plane (we were hauling two toddlers so I was just glad he didn’t forget one of them). This particular plane…was heading back to Toronto…and then returning to St. Louis. Before the sucker EVEN LEFT THE GROUND we realized his glasses were there. They wouldn’t let us return to the plane to get them, so we watched the glasses and coat return to Canada. And yup, you guessed it, when it returned they were not there. So apparently even when the airlines have an entire captive thief-pool they can’t get your crap back.

  265. I’m running out of airlines. United stopped allowing pre-boarding for families. AA obviously doesn’t care about their customers either. Soon I’ll be taking the damn train.

  267. I like your gusto in trying to change their systems. It sucks having something stolen; my bike was pilfered from outside my flat and my brain couldn’t quite work out why there was a space where my bike had once been. Still, these things usually work out for the best, I was given a better bike and you’ll get a better laptop 🙂

  268. 1: The stickers are FANTASTIC. Seriously. In love.

    2: God, AA. My mom used to work for them and she couldn’t stand the company culture so much she left. This was years ago, but she has friends that still work there and they say nothing has changed. As much as I’d like to believe that they’ll take your suggestions of at least looking into things, I won’t get my hopes up. The team talking with you on twitter is great, but the rest of the company won’t make changes quickly. (Which is why they’ve gone bankrupt, what, twice now? they don’t learn.)

    3. At least you lost your laptop right as the new MacBooks with retina display were announced! An excuse to get the sexy new Apple product! Woo!

  269. I hate that airlines can say it’s not their fault if ONE OF THEIR EMPLOYEES steals your stuff, but instead thinks it’s totally OK to blame you for putting something valuable in a bag IN THEIR CARE. I mean, christ. If they can’t promise to keep your stuff safe, what does that mean about their promises to keep YOU safe?

  270. I met a friend recently on a short layover in Montreal from the UK, traveling on British Airways. He was wearing several layers of clothing and explained that the last time he flew with British Airways, which he does often, when he got to his destination, contents of his suitcase were missing, including some expensive clothing. He trusts no airlines now and if they have to wear several layers to hold on to valuables, so be it. British Airways did nothing with their complaint. The usual pat on the head, automated bullshit messages.

  271. I hate flying – for all of these reasons. We are expected to trust that the TSA agents are really working in our best interest and not just performing security theater. We are expected to trust the airlines when WE PAY THEM TO CHECK OUR BAGS AND WE ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LOCK OUR OWN LUGGAGE. And then, if anything goes wrong with their system, we are expected to be more inconvenienced, and jump through many many hoops to even get the airlines to acknowledge that something went wrong. Which they really won’t do, but the best response you’ll get is a form letter (the formiest of form letters – classic!). & the point about cameras all over the place, yeah. If this was anything other than security theater, the airlines could tell you who handled each and every bag and would have the video to prove it. But, alas, they really have no control over their employees or what goes on behind the black curtain. & I should stop ranting now. It wasn’t even my laptop and I feel violated.

  272. Oh man, I remember this song! I live in Halifax, so it was all over the news once it went viral (actually, I think it was my first real experience with the power of social media).

    I’m so sorry your laptop was stolen! That SUCKS. But on the bright-side, the collective ill-wishing from your fans will keep the thieves (and possibly the rest of the staff at AA) in a world of pain and illness FOR THE REST OF THEIR MEASLY LIVES!!!!!!

    You know, my husband has an iPhone app that he can activate from his computer if he loses the phone…I think it not only tells him where the iPhone is, but also makes it non-functional apart from an “I belong to ‘so and so,’ please return me’ kind of message. And you can also use it to delete the contents of the iPhone remotely. How freaking awesome would it be if they made an app that worked the other way?! Someone should look into this…

  273. American Airlines = Worst airline ever. A few years ago on a trip back from visiting my in-laws, they lost my luggage. After filing the claim and waiting for the required wait time, I still hadn’t heard anything back about what happened to my luggage. I was told (and this is paraphrasing) that there was no one that I could really call concerning the status of my claim and that I pretty much just had to wait and see. Completely unacceptable. 3 FULL MONTHS after my bag was lost, I finally received a check for the contents that they WOULD cover. I appreciate the monetary recompense, but the insanity that I had to deal with up to that point made it a small victory.

    Maybe it wouldn’t have stung so bad if the person who’d stolen my bag had been met with a warning that Juanita would eat his fucking baby. 🙂

  274. I hope you didn’t lose too much of your writing!!!! That’s a ginormous loss to us all!!!!

  275. The thing is that it isn’t really the airline, per se. The TSA is actually who is most likely guilty. It’s the TSA who have the master keys to open luggage, and from whom you get a note if they’ve gone through your stuff. I live abroad and I consider it a good day if only half my bags have been messed with.

    It sucks, but the advice amongst frequent fliers, and that I give everyone I about flying–NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER fly with your phone, camera, laptop, etc in your checked luggage. EVER. Assume that it WILL be stolen.

  277. Here’s my issue with the American Airlines policy – how many people land at airports and have to go somewhere right away and can’t hang around filing reports? And then maybe they have to go somewhere far from the airport to live or work or vacation and can’t make it back within a 24-hour window? I’ll bet it is QUITE A FEW PEOPLE. And as you said, it’s not like you can prove that something ever was in your bag anyway, so why do they need the bag to prove what wasn’t there? And they know exactly who you are and when you flew, so why do you have to appear in person at an airport to prove that? If they’ll take your money online, you should be able to file the forms online. Gah.

  278. I hope you read this comment, because it’s way at the bottom….

    I’m an international group travel planner. I fly all the time and made the same grievous mistake you did last year. I was flying to Belfast and when I got there, my $600 camera was missing. I know better, I preach the “don’t put anything worth more than $5 in your bag” thing to all of my travelers. The nastiest thing is that they took my nightgown that the camera was wrapped in, too. My TSA lock was gone, too. Hmmm….

    Anyway, I contacted Continental when I arrived in Belfast and noted that it was gone. They said they don’t cover electronics… blah, blah, blah. So when I got back to the States, I bitched to TSA and Continental again. It was clear that TSA had done the deed, but took no responsibility. However, upon production of a receipt for the camera, Continental wrote me a check for $600. Within a week. My thanks to Continental is sharing this story with whomever will listen (at comment 266).

    Moral? Push harder. American will do the same if you push at them.

    And yay on the book!

  280. I wonder how many levels of bureaucracy and bullshit exist between the customer service person you were talking to on twitter and anyone in the c-suite who might be able to take a look at their policies.

    Hmmm…

  281. So you’re saying that AA is great at responding on social media?

    Horay, they are great at making people feel warm and fluffy without actually taking any effort to ACTUALLY fix any of the problems they are responding to and attempting to do the tiniest amount of damage control ever? Neat.

    You were one of like 30 complains about AA on my timeline this past weekend. A whole group of girls got stuck in Dallas on Thursday/Friday due to weather and missed a cruise they had been saving up and planning for for a year and AA is like “eh, that sucks.” Another friend had a bottle of tequila in her bag that got smashed, soaked through everything in her bag – her bag was ripped and broken (they even nicely put duct tape over it for her, gee thanks?) and ruined all of the items she bought on her trip that were presents for her loved ones.

    Funny thing, I didn’t see complaints about ANY other airline this weekend, and I had hundreds of friends traveling on various airlines to get to this cruise. Just AA.

  282. Over 10 years ago, I had my car stolen out of a Houston Metro Park and Ride parking lot. What’s really scary is that the security guard on duty saw the whole thing take place. A group of teens pulled up behind my car, a couple of them got out and into my car. She thought it was suspicious since it was the middle of a school/ work day, documented what she saw and did nothing more. I still get a panicked feeling anytime I’m in a parking lot and misplace where I parked.

  283. I’m sorry your laptop was stolen. My husband works for TSA and helps investitgate employee theft. While most TSA employees are honest and do their best, there are idiots who make the rest of them look bad. Airline employees are the same—a flight attendant just recently lifted an iPad off the screening line like it was hers only it wasn’t. If you have the time (and I understand the absurdity of having to drive 2 hours round trip to do so rather than just over the phone), report the theft through their channels so they get an official record of it. No, you probably won’t get your laptop back, but the report will help compile stats so they can find patterns to have probable cause to investigate employees, change camera positions, create stings, etc. Thanks.

  284. ugh, i’m sorry. that sucks so bad!!

    i had a friend pack a gladware container full of quarters (like $80 or more) for a trip to Vegas (don’t ask me why). when we got to the hotel they had taken all the quarters and LEFT THE GLADWARE! People suck sometimes.

    <3

  286. First off, super sorry this happened. I hope whoever took it is watching every step they take because they are going to get a HUGE karma smackdown soon.

    I saw your update and I have to say the following: American Airlines is awful. We flew them a few years ago and they were just pure evil. We only use southwest now for everything. They aren’t without faults mind you, but they are still a million times better then the other airlines.

    My other thought is this: NEVER EVER fly into O’Hare. Midway lady, midway. O’Hare is just frightening to me. It’s such a major hassle and the employees are so overworked they really just don’t give a damn. Midway is just a bit more personable. I live in Chicago can you tell?

    Two years ago our suitcase had a horrible tear down it that wasn’t there before we left and at least they tried to help us and offered to pay to have it repaired, unfortunately it wasn’t worth it(the suitcase, really it wasn’t) so we declined their offer. It was the fact that at least the customer service at Midway tried in the first place.

    I don’t want to be mean but yeah, I don’t put anything in my suitcase I wouldn’t want missing if I can help it. I carry a big bag on the plane that holds ipod, iphone, jewelry, medications etc that are prescription. My husband always keeps his laptop with him when he needs to travel with it. It’s just safer this way. Too many awful people out there today, which makes me sad.

    Sorry Jenny, that totally sucks though. And the fact that they want you to lug all that down there? What a joke.

  287. Fucking fabulous. I’m flying through O’Hare next weekend. Can anyone tell me how to pack for a 10 day trip in a carry-on!? Consider it’s Wyoming and feels like summer during the day but winter at night..so I have to pack for both seasons and there’ll be horseback riding, swimming, hiking and river tubing involved.

    Sorry to hear about your laptop. That sucks balls. I’ve lost faith in most airlines. I may just start mailing my stuff to my destination ahead of time. Or buying it all there from Goodwill and Walmart, then donating it back.

  288. Re: the updates

    Is anyone else disturbed that we’re supposed to ACCEPT that thefts occur? We willingly give them our luggage and are told it will get to its destination without being stolen. But when it is stolen we’re told that this is a normal thing. In fact there’s now a television show celebrating people finding valuable items in luggage they purchased from airlines/airports that never made it to its destination. Someone gave that luggage over with the idea that it would be traveling with them. Someone mourned the loss of a favorite sweater, favorite shoes, and other meaningful stuff that is absolutely worthless to theives. AND WE’RE SUPPOSED TO ACCEPT THIS AS NORMAL???

    I don’t know of any other industry that demands you give them your stuff on trust then acts like theft and loss are a normal part of doing business. [Wait! The Post Office does this too. When they lost a Very Important Letter the investigator told me “you can’t expect us to keep track of each and every bit of mail that comes through here.” Yes. Yes I can. Because it’s your business to do so.]

    And now I’m peeved because airlines are charging extra for window and aisle seats. I get to pay extra to sit with my spouse. I couldn’t help but notice fuel prices are falling. Yet they’re using the price of fuel to justify all this extra nickle and diming. Not cool, airlines. Not cool.

  289. airlines fucking suck. there just isn’t a another way to describe them. from having to submit to being sheeple in order to travel to discourtesy and self-serving actions at every turn. if only there were a way to travel fast without having to actually deal with the airlines, the TSA, or any of their employees. or, here’s a novel thought, maybe the employees could be rewarded for actually being helpful and friendly. the whole lost bag-missing/broken/stolen item problem pisses me off even more considering we are now PAYING THEM EXTRA for the *privilege*. as far as i’m concerned, if i’m going to pay them for each bag i check, they have an ]obligation[ to make sure my bag arrives with me, on time, undamaged, intact, and with everything in it.

    fuckers.

  290. @Dana, pack for half the trip (5 days) and find a laundromat. take a fleece jacket, wear your jeans and tennies (or boots) to travel in. they are bulkier so you don’t want them in your suitcase. and remember that wyoming doesn’t care about fashion—embrace that and leave all the rest at home.

  291. Jenny, I’m sure someone else must have thought of this—– but what a good topic for CNN ! Maybe you could suggest it to them?

  292. Delta is also the devil when it comes to theft. I had a small digital camera, BURIED UNDER MY CLOTHES, stolen. That means someone rifled through my suitcase to find something worth stealing. Come to this of it, my pink panties were gone too…….but that’s besides the point. All I ever got was form letters/emails to fill out and a “We’re sorry you had a poor experience” blah blah blah. The camera was replaceable, but not the pictures from my sister’s bachelorette party in Vegas (YIKES if the thief ever posted THOSE pics online!) I think airport security in general is broken, from strip searching kids to handlers stealing things from bags. And on top of all this, they are now charging us MORE to get molested and ripped off. If you’re going to steal my dignity and stuff, at least let me fly for less!

  293. The one thing missing here that I saw you say on twitter is that, if someone can take something without accountability, they can LEAVE something. That bag did a lot of unaccounted for traveling on its own time and if I were in charge of security at an airline or airport, I would be running around demanding videotape to find where the chain of custody broke and how it could be better, not to prevent theft but because we as an industry are allegedly committed to preventing our industry from being used in any further terrorist plots. This does nothing to help my opinion that “security” is one big theatrical production designed to make lawful people give up freedoms willingly, one 3 oz bottle at a time, rather than an actual effort to make us safe from those who would do harm.

  294. My inner cynic says it was most likely the contractor they hired to deliver your bag to you who stole your stuff, or possibly a baggage handler who spotted your suitcase sitting all alone somewhere. The problem is the airline has to (in the case of the baggage handler) or chooses to (in the case of delivery) hand your bags over to non-employees. Still, yes, they should be willing to cover ALL losses, and if they don’t like the risk of handing bags over to unsavory individuals, then stop hiring contractors and scream until airports authorities do a better job of screening and compensating ground crew. Also, check your homeowner’s insurance (if you want)…mine covers portable electronics, no matter where they are lost/stolen/damaged (or HOW! they outright told me they’d replace my veryexpensivelaptop if I dropped it and it shattered into a million pieces, including some coverage for work product lost in the incident!).

    Also, had Facebook, Twitter, and all their evil cousins been invented at the time I went to college, I totally would have majored in PR so that I could get a job answering tweets/Facebook posts all day. I mean, that’s what I spend 90% of my day doing anyway…I’d just be getting paid for it rather than having to stay up later and finish my work because I dicked around on Facebook for 4 hours.

  295. I’ve dealt with American Airlines and theft before. I had a camera stolen out of my duffel bag while I was on my way to deploy. They told me I shouldn’t have put it in checked luggage. I told them that in that case they needed to authorize more carry on luggage because I had a lot of electronics with me. Long story short, AA can do more than they are doing for you right now. Unfortunately, for them to do anything for me it took the threat of legal action. The thing that irks me the most is that their theft policies basically say that they employ thieves and there’s nothing they can do about it. It’s infuriating.

  296. Just wanted to point out that I saw a picture of a friends facebook of his co-worker playing a customers guitar that had been packed in checked luggage. It was Jetblue, so nothing to do with American (that I know of) but still, the airline bullshit is pretty rampant.

  298. Ugh, American Airlines at O’Hare. Boy, do I have stories.

    At the end of 2010, I was coming home after 7mos in Japan for Christmas, and flew Tokyo-ORD-Sioux Falls (my hometown). It was arranged through a travel agent, so I ended up switching airlines between United and American for the final leg. The United flight got canceled, and I ended up having to hop on an American flight at the last minute. In the shuffle, my bag (which got through customs with me, and had two bottles of sake and other irreplaceable Japanese Christmas presents [which I couldn’t carry on]) was lost. I spent the first day calling back and forth between United and American, both of them claiming that it was the other airline’s responsibility and that they didn’t know where my bag had gone after I went through customs. They refused to actually talk to anyone at O’Hare about where it could be until day 4 – by this point, I’d had to buy more clothes for the trip because my entire wardrobe was either in that bag or back in Japan.

    Day 5 (Christmas Eve!), I get a call that they found my luggage – it was in the lost luggage claims area for American airlines at O’Hare, which they could have found on Day 1 or 2 had they bothered to believe me and go look. They tell me I can go to the SF airport and pick it up. My parents and I drive across town from our family celebration to go get it, only to find that all the employees had gone home and there was no one there who could tell me where it was. Defeated, I resign myself to going to the airport on Christmas day to get the presents I was supposed to have delivered to friends earlier that week.

    Get home, and it’s sitting on our front step. No note, nothing. Just half buried in the snow. We’re lucky the wine didn’t freeze and explode.

    I since carry on luggage any and every chance I can get. Ugh.

  299. What utter bollocks! How can they claim not to be responsible, it’s ridiculous, the bag was in their possession!
    You should be able to put anything in your bag and not have to worry about it being stolen, unless its drugs, then its free for all!

  300. I hope you don’t give up on getting some sort of personalized response or aknowledgement or replacement. But I wouldn’t blame you at all if you did because I believe their claim procedure is set up to beat you down and exhaust you in hopes that you’ll just give up.

    At the very least, it would be nice for the rest of us to know that they could really make things right if they put some some effort into it. Thanks for keeping us updated.

  301. Even worse than the stolen item is being forced to deal with airline customer service/claims. I think they train their employees to frustrate, infuriate, and eventually break the spirit of the customer. It’s long been my suspicion that these CSR’s have previously worked in the CIA/FBI or other covert organizations and were long ago trained in torture. In fact, I bet AA holds their training courses for new hires at Guantanamo Bay. Breaking a person’s spirit is far worse than simply breaking, or stealing an item…

    Sorry for the trouble; I hope AA resolves it for you soon. Thanks for sharing the poem, stickers (the comments underneath are priceless) and the United song, also priceless.

  302. Sorry about the laptop. But your hilarious sticker and comments have added a spark of joy to a very obnoxious afternoon at Chuck e Cheese. So, instead of following my kids around, I am sitting in a booth with all the tokens, allowing them to take only one at a time. If I don’t see one for a while, then I know something’s up. Is this still considered good parenting? I think I need those stickers to put on my kids do no one takes ’em. Do they come in “allergy free?”

  303. The worst part about the whole “don’t check your valuables” thing is that you’re not allowed to lock your luggage anymore. You used to be able to, but now they’ll cut your lock off and give you a nasty note if you do.

  304. I’m a Chicagoan. ORD is a nightmare. Big airlines are nightmares. I’m sorry about your misfortune 🙁

  305. My husband works for an airline (not American) and based on the protocols set up for their employees and his experiences with stolen luggage, I would point the finger at TSA. Not that American shouldnt get it together, but TSA has more freedom to dig around in luggage and less people watching them. We’ve had several instances where they’ve stolen, from me personally and from strangers that we’ve found out about. So keep going after American because their protocols sound shady, but realize there are others that could be to blame.

    I really hope they find who did it and fix the holes in their system. And that you get your stuff back!

  306. Sorry to hear that someone stole your laptop. Don’t be insulted by then not taking your book – it’s just evidence that they are classless, clueless low lifes. Basically these people don’t understand the value of things, they just have an idea of what they might be able to sell. About 10 years ago a pickpocket took a mobile phone (cost 50 GBP) out of my hand bag whilst I was at a bar. Said pickpocket had to lift up a scarf to get to the phone. Scarf was Hermes bought the week before for 250 GBP. Like I said thieves have so sense of value.

  307. Despite all the security and probing, I find it amazing that A) luggage still gets lost and B) anything gets stolen. They can take your luggage for suspicion of drugs or weapons, but they can’t keep track of it if there’s nothing wrong. LAME. Perhaps so many people will buy your stickers that you can get a new one for basically free!

  308. Serious bummer. I got stuff stolen from me all the time because I’m forgetful and easily distracted, but it never stops sucking. I did always think it was weird that you are 100% responsible for your stuff at airports even when your stuff is in their hands and out of your sight… And I totally agree that phone complaints should count. What about people like me who live deep in the boonies? For some people, the flight is just the first leg of the trip…

  309. I lost my laptop once, too. Or rather, had it stolen.
    Here’s how it went: Drive to Best Buy to pick up laptop after having it cost $200 in virus-removal. Put laptop in car. Drive down street to craft store. Accidentally lock keys in car, get upset about it– laptop lying there in the backseat. I think, “No big deal, I’m only going in for a second.” Pay NO ATTENTION to shifty looking guy parked next to us, eyeing the situation. We go inside craft store. Stay for about 10 minutes. Go back out, see car, think, “Hey, the passenger side is unlocked! Weird! Hey wait where’s the laptop.”
    GRIM REALIZATION.
    Also, he slashed my lock on my car. Dude was a pro. Still haven’t been able to fix the lock.

    So, at least you didn’t get a good look at the thief and feel stupid for not doing anything about it. There’s always that!
    Anyway sorry about the airline bullshit. You of all people don’t deserve it.

  310. I recently traveled out of the country for my honeymoon. My husband and I are “adventurous”, so I had an assortment of vibrators and other sexual paraphernalia in my suitcase. When we arrived at our destination (and home), it was quite obvious my luggage had been “examined”..but unbelievably (and thank god, because a quality vibrator is expensive!), nothing was stolen…I just would have loved to have been a fly on the wall as they were going through my suitcase 😉

  311. Same thing happened to me in 2007. I fought with them for two years over it. American will never cave in. I know it sounds wrong to give in when you’re not the wrongdoer – I totally get that, believe me – but for your own peace of mind, I recommend you just let it go now, and move on.

  312. I know how you feel! I had a camera (as well as batteries, a charger, and canned fruit) stolen out of my bag on my way back from Aruba in 2007. It was the first vacation with my son and all of those memories were gone…FOREVER! It was the biggest feeling of violation ever, and I cried. Of course the airline blamed TSA and TSA blamed the airline. Neither did anything to help me. My question to them was….if they can’t make sure people aren’t taking things out of my bags, how can they be sure people aren’t putting things INTO my bags….like bombs. Now, no matter how inconvenient it is with kids, diaper bags, car seats, etc….I always carry my laptop and camera in carry on as well 🙁

  313. I bet if you told them a bomb was stolen from your luggage they would investigate. Make sure you set it up like a *bomb in your laptop*. Probably they would turn it over to the professionals, like the FBI. I’m sure it would turn up then.

  314. Dana L., Use this youtube video to pack. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PDn9l20NlWw NO JOKE, I went to New Jersey for 9 days in January in a carry on… all sweaters. It’s the most awesome way to pack, ever.

    I’m sorry that you’ve had to deal with this, Jenny. I hate the airline industry so much these days, it’s ridiculous… and I travel for a living. That being said? I NEVER CHECK A BAG ANYMORE. Mostly because I like my stuff.

  315. Yup. The TSA ALWAYS steals things.

    If they don’t steal it, they throw it around until it breaks.

    I’m so glad they’re protecting us from terrorism.

    What on earth would we do without them?

  317. Ugh, that sucks.

    I’m reminded of the massive bag wrapping machine I saw when my wife and I traveled to Italy. Apparently assorted European airlines realize that theft occurs, so they have machines that will shrink wrap your baggage for you before you check it. It doesn’t really make it impossible to steal form your baggage, but it means your bag requires a lot more work to get into and subsequently rob.

  318. Wow I am so mighty excited to board my American Airlines flight in a couple of days. I’ll try not to bring anything valuable. I should probably leave my family at home.

  319. I’m sorry Jenny, but the airline expressly stated that they are not liable! It’s crappy, but sometimes the CEO’s can’t spent their lunch hour figuring out how to protect everyone’s socks. I think you should be thankful that YOUR security has been ensured.

  320. I can’t believe they didn’t steal your book! Jerks.

    (And what a bummer! I can’t believe the airlines or even the airport doesn’t take even a little responsibility for hiring shitty thieves!)

  321. I don’t know how AA stays in business. They absolutely NEVER get me anywhere I was supposed to go on time. My favorite is receiving an email saying they canceled my flight because of (fill in the blank) and that I can take XXX flight instead. Sssooooo, instead of going from Miami to Dallas to Austin, I get to go from Miami to Chicago to Dallas to Austin! No biggy. Except I hate flying to begin with AND it adds another 6 hours of dealing with airports/airplanes/air people. I’d pay extra just to be under general anesthesia during all that drama!

  322. This is perfectly standard in virtually all modern commerce: The customer has no rights, while the seller has no responsibilities.

    Here’s one thing to try, though: Look up the names and addresses of the members of the board of directors, and start writing to *them* directly.

  323. I know it’s after the fact, but next time you travel check into one of the TSA locks. It works on zippered luggage, it has a lock that only TSA (and you) can unlock, plus there is a red dot that appears if TSA DID unlock it to check the baggage. Sorry for the laptop, I can’t believe Copernicus didn’t scare the shit out of them!!

  325. I want those stickers.. mostly for the stuff around the house that my 11-year-old is starting to borrow without asking.

    I sure hope she doesn’t know what airborne syphyllis is, however.

  326. My offer still stands on the free Lojack for Laptops license. Because if your laptop is ever stolen mid-flight (or not mid-flight, say, mid-stuck-at-airport-for-no-apparent-reason) and the thief is an American Airlines employee,they would be found by our Theft Recovery team, they would be arrested by local law enforcement, and you would get your laptop and data back.

    So I’m serious. Email me.

    In fact, wouldn’t it be cool to use a bait laptop in a suitcase for the express goal of catching the airline fucking up?

    I think it would.

  327. That’s awful! Sorry to hear your laptop is gone. My family never flies American Airlines anymore. They’ve lost our luggage (me personally: twice — other family members: 2-3 times), refused to pay for or help with lodging when my uncle was flying back from his tour of military service and the last plane of the day was grounded due to weather, had awful delays–we never use them anymore.

    And a pox on whoever took your laptop!

    <3,
    -J

  328. hear that? *hand clapping* you Bloggess, have a round of applause!

  329. Sorry, I cannot lie. VICTOR IS RIGHT. Who puts their laptop in their suitcase and checks it in? NEV-AH. It goes in the carry-on, attached to my hip. But, I was born and raised in New York so that could be the difference. Good thing I bought your book (and apparently everyone else did too!!!) so you can get a super-duper new computer. With insurance. Love, your friend, Laurie F.

  330. I hope your screensaver is a picture of James Garfield’s massive head and it scares the shit out of whomever stole your laptop, and then they trip and fall as they back away from the computer, and decide your laptop has an ancient curse, just like that idol in The Brady Bunch, so they return to the airport and turn it back in to the authorities. And then run fast all the way home.

  331. The airlines could fix this immediately AND become an overnight internet sensation if they live-streamed video of baggage areas not accessible or visible to the public, like the Shiba Inu puppy cam.

    Flying with my family soon, and have the frustrating decision over where to pack my buzzy friend. If checked, it will be stolen (totally gross – who would want a used vibrator, anyway?!); if it’s with me, it will be pulled out in front of my children at security.

    There’s a huge market for cheap, disposable vibrators here. IS ANYONE LISTENING?!

  332. Jenny,

    Have you considered rewriting the lyrics to “United Breaks Guitars” to “American steals laptops” and getting Dave Carroll to do a rendition of his video for you? You could throw in a few cameos of some of your famous friends, oh I don’t know Wil Wheaton , Rosie, etc.

    Email: dave@davecarrollmusic.com

    Regards,

    mousebert

  333. Flying sucks in so many ways we cannot (and plenty of ways we can) imagine. I even feel bad for their employees.

    It used to be a luxurious to fly, right? I’ve heard that it used to be like a vacation– with nice people catering to you and drinks and peanuts.

    Not that I’ve ever had a good experience on a plane (I’m cursed. Do not board a plane with me, unless you’re fearless and drunk. It must be both), but my worst experiences on a plane have always been on AA. Like the time we tried to avoid the thunderstorm by flying over it, and when we exceed 37,000 feet (or whatever the ceiling is) and the lights went out, then had to descend back into the thunderstorm responsible for the worst turbulence ever. I’m also fairly certain our plane was hit by lightening on that trip as well, but we kept flying.

    I want to kiss the ground every time I land safely.

  334. Years ago, my wife and I decided to start a family. Before she got pregnant and couldn’t travel, we figured that we’d take a trip the likes of which we wouldn’t be able to do post-kids. We went to Las Vegas. (Side note: We had a stowaway at the time, but didn’t know that our oldest son was hitching a ride until we got back.) During the trip, I took my trusty digital camera and took over 100 photos.

    On the way home, in the airport of our connecting flight, someone stole the camera right from our bag while I was in the restroom and my wife was distracted. We knew exactly when and where the event happened. I called the airport figuring they’d review the security tapes and catch the perpetrator. I didn’t so much want the camera back as the memory card with the 100+ photos on it. Instead, I was told we could get a police report “for insurance purposes” but that was it.

    Insurance replaced the camera (with a much nicer model even), but those photos were lost and the entire trip (although great) was tainted by the miserable stolen camera affair.

    Now, when I travel, I keep my camera and memory cards separate and back up any electronic devices prior to leaving. The thieves can keep the electronic devices. It’s the data that’s irreplaceable!

  335. That’s so infuriating, and it wasn’t even my laptop. Check for signs of forced entry… into a suitcase? Is that a joke? Also, I don’t think it’s acceptable for businesses to just relieve themselves of responsibility for ANYTHING that goes wrong from now until the end of time. Why can’t I get away with that? I guess I need a team of lawyers to draw up some paperwork so I never have to be responsible for my own actions ever again. Hmm, that’s a good idea.

  336. Dear American Airlines,
    See all of these comments? If each one of these people tells just one friend that will be…carry the one…times two…a shit ton of people who know you SUCK at customer service and security. Good job. Kudos to you.

  337. im not even lying, i will punch them (collectively) in the face for you.

    i’m just that good of a friend.

  338. that’s ridiculous. you aren’t allowed to lock your baggage.. why would someone need to force it open? what possible signs could there be?

  339. Why I love TSA:

    They think my husband’s blood sugar test kit next to a t-shirt looks like a bomb, but they have no problem with our bag of syringes.

    My tote bag had to be scanned 3 times because my ink pen was sitting funny. Really? You can tell it’s a cheap ball point pen, but you can’t tell it’s not dangerous? It is giving you a dirty look?

    Gummy bears are apparently a threat to national security. They took away my 2 oz package of gummy bears under the liquid/gel rule.

  341. We used to be able to lock our luggage, but now the TSA reserves the right to either use a master key on any TSA-approved lock, or cut yours off. So why bother locking it? This is why I stopped putting anything of worth into checked luggage. I’ve also learned that inserting a note written on a dusty envelope that says “Hi! Enjoy the Ebola!” is not taken lightly.

    Sincerely,
    Prisoner 9238475676

  342. AA is THE WORST. Ok, that’s a bit far…but seriously I only use them as a last resort. Southwest is my #1 choice. It’s way less glamorous, but the people are super friendly, and they have great customer service. This is just going to add to my list of reasons that I don’t like AA.

  343. When we were going to Alaska a few years ago, we went and purchased the “approved” TSA locks, which are clearly marked as TSA approved. When we arrived in Alaska, all was fine (we flew American to Alaska), although one of our bags had been thrown so hard that it had a dent in the frame of the bag. We flew Continental back home, and we noticed upon claiming our bag that one of our bags had a zip tie instead of the TSA approved lock that we had placed on it. Upon opening the bag, inside was the slip of paper that they put in telling you that your bag was picked for a “random” inspection, along with the broken lock and another note saying that we had not used TSA approved locks. The lock very clearly had TSA approved stamped on it. There was a phone number for TSA on the notes, which I called, and I explained that they cut off a TSA approved lock and the idiot at TSA said “well, you should’ve used a TSA approved lock”. My sympathies to anyone who travels.

  344. Delta pretty much has the same policy, although mine was damage, not theft. We arrived in our room at Disney to find our delivered bag damaged, 3 shoes (1 pair, 1 single), and at least one other item missing. Their policy is, as well, for you to bring your damaged bag to the airport so they can verify, but even then, they will not pay to replace the bag they wrecked the shit out of. And only until we arrived home & could check this online did we learn of this policy – Delta attached no note to our delivered bag, just a tag from disney’s delivery saying “we found it like this”, and we couldn’t even find a listing for them in the airlines section in the phone book. Like I was going to take a day out of my Disney vacation to argue with some douche behind the luggage counter about something they weren’t willing to fix in the first place.

  345. Yet another reason why I refuse to fly any airline but Southwest. If Southwest can’t get me there – I’m driving, and if I can’t drive there, then I’m not going. United, AA…their customer service SUCKS. Charging someone to bring baggage on a trip? Ridiculous. Charging someone to bring baggage on a trip and then failing to do anything when that luggage gets lost or stolen? Ludicrous. I’m so sorry your laptop got stolen, and I’m even sorrier that the stupid airline refuses to do anything to help you. I don’t think they realize who they’re messing with! You’re a famous author (yes, I consider you famous) and you have this awesome blog that only has about a bajillion readers. AA pretty much shot themselves in the foot with this one. Idiots. I hope they get the backlash they deserve!

  346. What American Airlines fails to consider is that by treating you this badly they have unleashed a HUGE negative campaign against their airline. In an economy where fewer people can afford to travel and there are so many other options out there, AA cannot afford to lose any more customers.

    Personally, I hope the end up going out of business, but not before all of their corrupt employees end up in prison so they can’t migrate and infect other airlines.

    Power to you Jenny! Spread the word and let the rest of us spread it further.

  347. This just gets better and better doesn’t it? I bet that they are not responsible if you die in one of their plane crashes either. Out there someplace is a lawyer who needs to meet a hugging monkey.

  348. So sorry that had to happen to you. You rock and atleast you are blessed enough to be able to replace it. This is exactly why I don’t fly. Yes you get there faster, but you have put up with the shittiest of the shitties in order to get there. I’d rather drive myself thank you. Then I only have put up with my own shitty ass.

  349. I used to work for an airline (it wasn’t American. I won’t tell you which one but there is a primary color in their name) and I had my wallet stolen. FROM MY PURSE. WHILE I WAS AT WORK. And when I reported it to the airline (aka MY EMPLOYER who really should be there to help their employees) they told me they couldn’t investigate it becasuse they don’t have cameras focused on the employees – just on the customers in public areas of the airport. So, in short, airlines are assholes even to their employees.

    As a side note, I used to see some customers come through with their zippers closed with zip ties. Smart, I think, since there’s a clause somewhere for TSA that says you can’t have locked luggage. So, their luggage wasn’t locked. It was zip tied.

  350. One word – Southwest Airlines (okay, two words). Much better customer service and they don’t charge you to check the bags they steal from. Also you get to fly out of Midway, much closer to downtown than O’Hare.

  351. Did you SERIOUSLY expect it to come out any other way? There was no way you were getting that laptop back. Their policies are clearly stated. You made a mistake. I love your blog but this is beneath you. You are making a huge deal over something that worked exactly as expected; you stated it yourself. Please stop bitching about your own stupidity.

    (I don’t want my laptop back. I want them to change their policies requiring theft to be reported in person. I think it seriously makes their theft complaints seem like a smaller issue than they are and therefore there isn’t an emphasis on fixing a serious problem. If all thefts were easy to report they’d see a big dip in their customer service polls and would have to actually look at enacting more ways to stop theft. That’s in the best interest of both the customer and the business. ~ Jenny)

  352. A couple other people have mentioned it, but I’ll +1 for the PreyProject. Great little piece of tech to save yourself some headache in the future.

  353. American airlines recently double dipped into my bank account to the tune of $700 when they made a mistake in billing me for tickets. Then they charged me $150 for the privilege of having the money returned “sometime within 45 days.”

  354. I’m sure others have pointed this out already, but…. Do they realize that you get several MILLION pageviews a month? There are many people (like me) who are going to read this and think “huh, so maybe my craptastic experience with them wasn’t such an isolated event.” Still, the real tragedy here is that this means Victor was right.

    p.s. I heart you. Big.

  355. HI,

    So, I thought you should know Chicago is a main hub of theft.

    I had an iphone 3 in an iphone 4 box stolen. AA replied “We are not responsible for lost/stolen items”. I had just purchased my iphone 4 in Chicago so I had a receipt to show I just replaced it hence why it was in my bag. I also noticed my stuff had been gone through and they didn’t have the TSA letter in the bag like it is listed at the airport.

    They steal stuff all the time at airports and since NO ONE is held accountable nothing is DONE. SO frustrating… AND ON TOP OF THAT THEY CHARGE YOU FOR CHECKED BAGS! SO YOU PAY THEM TO STEAL FROM YOU!

    *end rant*

  356. What forced entry? We can’t lock our suitcases anymore. I always get the piece of paper saying some stranger has rifled through my underwear (my interpretation) whenever I fly. This is why I put the dirty clothes on the top so that they have to go through those first.

  357. Unfortunately, this post will not turn me off from flying American Airlines, because American managed to do that all by itself. I stopped flying them years ago because they were such a shitty airline. I used to fly all the damned time, on all the damned airlines, and I never, ever had a good experience flying on American. So I stopped flying that airline. And then United not only fucked me over, but also managed to totally screw up several friends of mine, so I stopped flying United and concentrated on flying on either Continental or Southwest or Delta. Now that United has consumed Continental, I’m down to Southwest or Delta. I’m thinking of either taking the bus or hitchhiking for my next trip. Hopefully, it won’t be overseas.

  358. It chaps my ass that your laptop was stolen while in the custody of the company you paid to care for it. They act like they have no control over their baggage handlers. fuck them.

  359. I say coat your stuff with an Iocane tincture. But, I suggest taking a few years to build up an immunity to it.

  360. I work for an OLTA (online travel agency, for the noobs out there) and I once dealt with a woman who left her luggage behind at a hotel when the Mexican resort town she was vacationing in was evacuated for an incoming hurricane. Turned out, she’d left a ruby ring inside one of the bags and wanted to see if she could get it back.

    She was a nice enough gal about it – she totally accepted the fact that a) she’d made a mistake in leaving it there and b) she just wanted the opportunity to see if it still existed. Long story short, I hired some kind of Meixcan courier to get her bags, stick them on a FedEx plane and get them back to her. The ring, as expected, was long gone.

    I sent her these as a consolation prize:

    http://www.amazon.com/Master-Lock-4688D-Accepted-Assorted/dp/B000WO84Z2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1339616877&sr=8-1&keywords=tsa+locks+for+luggage

    Seriously, girl, I love your blog, so I say this with the utmost respect. I know it sucks that your stuff was taken, but I just hope this is a learning lesson. Yeah, it blows goats that AA won’t do much about this, but that’s why you shouldn’t put your valuables in your checked luggage. I’m not saying it’s right and I’m not saying that the airlines don’t get away with murder when it comes to this kind of thing, but if we all know it’s an issue, the least we can do is protect ourselves and our things. Ignoring the problem and hoping for the best is just silly.

  361. This is why I only travel by burro. You know the little fucker is going to be an asshole and won’t get you there on time or in any sort of comfort but they don’t try to convince you otherwise. Plus the fresh air is good for me.

  362. Yeah the live videocam in baggage areas would be a very good idea–keep an eye on the squids who work back there–as close an eye as the TSA keeps on us when we fly their crummy airline.

  363. This may be a long shot, but if you purchased your airline ticket with a credit card (especially one that offers airline miles), it’s possible that the loss of the laptop could be (partially) covered under a baggage replacement/protection clause of your credit card agreement. I know that’s not the point of this blog entry, but it could mean some additional funds for the purchase of small, humanely taxidermied animals and metal chickens (EVERYONE WINS).

  365. United lost a $20,000 network analyzer I was trying to carry on. The little prop plane had smaller than usual overhead bins so I had to “gate check” the case it was in. Except there wasn’t really a gate, just a few people standing next to the plane. I climbed back down the stairs to the tarmac and watched as United tagged the case and set it next to the baggage door of the plane. I would have pulled out all the gear and hand-carried it on board, but I was so certain it would soon be safely inside the plane. Foolish me, I climbed back inside and sat down. When we got to our destination, I waited and waited as they unloaded bags, but the case never appeared. Finally as they seemed to be done, I let them know I was missing a bag. They checked the back and there was no sign of it. I was dumbfounded and they even let me look inside the empty baggage compartment myself. Four hours later, I’d managed to file my missing bag report and it was clear that they weren’t going to be responsible for it in any way.

    I went on to my hotel, well after midnight by now, not sure how I was going to A) explain this to my bosses and B) get any work done at the customer site the next day. When I woke up there was a phone message at 4:30am from United that they’d found my bag and delivered it to my hotel. Sure enough, it was at the hotel, intact and nothing missing. I can only guess that the bag spent the night on the tarmac at the departing airport until someone almost drove or taxied over it.

  366. I’m sorry about your bad experience. I had a similar experience with American Airlines. When I was a still poor law student, my mom bought me a brand new Ann Taylor suit, size 12, to wear to a job fair in New York. On my return flight to Chicago, I hung up my (still almost new) suit in the plane closet. We landed at O’Hare and, of course, I forgot to grab the suit. Fortunately, or so I thought, I realized I’d forgotten my suit just a few minutes and immediately turned around and ran back to the plane. Maybe 15 or 20 minutes max had passed since I’d left the plane. My suit was gone. I asked at the AA desk and they checked with lost and found; no suit. I inquired if the plane had been cleaned yet. It had not. I waited and check back at the AA desk. They said they couldn’t help me and maybe my suit would turn up. The next morning, I called AA and was blown off just like you were (“I’m sorry, ma’am, but we are not responsible for items lost or stolen”). Basically, AA made it very clear that they did not give a shit that someone on their plane, very likely one of their employees, had stolen my suit.

    If you ever offer that sticker as a patch, I swear I will sew that warning on the inside of every one of my suits.

  367. American Airlines at O’Hare is the WORST. They neglected to transfer my bag during a rerouted flight to Albuquerque, and I didn’t get it back until hours before I left NM. I will now spend money on better airlines because they are such a shit show. Sorry they are such douchenuggets.

  368. We had luggage issues with AA coming home from our honeymoon. We went to pick up our baggage in Miami (you have to go through customs and then recheck EVERYTHING and go through security again – it is beyond retarded) on our way through to Newark. When our largest suitcase arrived, we noticed an enormous gaping hold in the side. This luggage, btw? A wedding present. First time we had used it. So I took a picture and we tweeted it at AA. And they told us the same thing they told you about the theft – you have 24 hours to physically drag yourself to the airport you flew into and have them inspect the bag. We just got home from our honeymoon – we did NOT have time to go all the way out there to deal with it. So instead I have a huge hole in our shiny new luggage. I’m thinking of designing a patch to put over it that says something like “I travelled on AA and all I got was this lousy hole in my luggage.”

    My domestic flight choices are limited, however, as I also refuse to fly US Air. When I was 8 years old they bumped me off of my flight, which is completely illegal. In order to stop my family from pressing charges, they offered us free roundtrip flights for all three of us to anywhere they flew. San Francisco was the farthest we could go, so that was our family vacation that year. Southwest I had no problems with, so maybe that’ll be my default from now.

  369. AA “lost” my bag from Vegas to Hawaii and I was shattered, by “lost” I mean woopsy forgot to put on plane, and by shattered I mean “ah fuck them, I am coming down from 4 day wedding in Vegas, pass me a mojito in the pool in Waikiki. 3 weeks later it arrived back to me when back at home, light years away in Melbourne, Australia & it only took daily calls asking to check the luggage room in Vegas ( where it was) as the check in chick was most certainly high. I learnt the true meaning of what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas ( I happened to shop and my purchases didn’t wish to leave) & next time im in the US of A ,I’m going to fucking swim to your 51st state or whatever it is. Finally insult to injury they wanted to charge me to courier my bag to my house as it arrived on Qantas, but thankfully our flying kangaroo saw reason and waived charges when I explained how I’d spent a week in Hawaii mixing and matching outfits from hand luggage which included 7 pairs of dirty underpants and a bubble head Elvis. Great holiday though.

  370. Why the hell do they need to check for forced entry into a bag? There’s no reason for a theif to ever use forced entry – not because they are zippers – but because we’re not allowed to lock our bags anymore ….. for security reasons. No force, the thief just opens the bag like the owner does.

  371. AA is going bankrupt anyway (or they did already…airlines are so damn depressing I don’t bother keeping up anymore), so really they don’t give a shit if they get any more bad publicity. I wish your awesome power of Twitterverse and blogsphere worked its usual magic, though.

    After nearly two years of a horrific “HI I TRAVEL ALL THE FUCKING TIME” job, highly recommend Sun Country, but I’m not sure they fly out of Houston, and to be fair they may only fly to Mexico out of Texas anyway. I suppose that’d be fabulous if you wanted to escape to Cancun for a couple weeks, but doesn’t save you from domestic air travel. Thank God I only took AA to Trinidad & Tobago for work a few times, and otherwise have been able to avoid them.

  372. OMG, I have read ALL the updates now, and feel your loss, Jenny. The thing that pisses me off the most is that they won’t give you money to replace your laptop, BUT when they have their HUGE hanger (read:GARAGE) Sale next year, your laptop, along with all those cameras and ipods will be SOLD to the highest bidder, and they will KEEP THE MONEY FROM SELLING YOUR STUFF. For REALS? Unbelievable.

  374. Oh dear, my condolences. The last time I traveled by air (at the height of the you-can’t-pack-anything-not-even-chapstick frenzy), I checked the TSA list before I went, and noticed that, for some reason, specific exception was made for K-Y lubricant (up to 3 ounces), and Transformer robots. Apparently these items are considered indispensable for support of life and general well-being, even to the potential detriment of national security.

    So of course I packed some of both in my carry-on as wedding gifts for my brother, and to my surprise, I slid quite easily (so to speak) through security, although they did very carefully inspect my empty thermos.

    Perhaps you could include these essentials on your next trip, and anyone who breaks into your luggage will be distracted/amused/perplexed enough not to steal anything. Especially if you put one of those stickers on the K-Y. 🙂

  375. Next time you have to fly put Ron Weasly on your shoulder and zip tie your laptop to your body and tell the TSA it’s your cyborg alter ego. That way if a thief wants the laptop they’ll have to take you too. And not many crooks would be up to that. (From what I’ve heard crooks like to stay away from flamboyant people.)

  376. First of all, I totally sympathize with you and your dealings with facist airline employees. We once got a bag back with tire marks on it. They literally drove over the suitcase and refused to take any responsibilty. Secondly, I watched the “United Breaks Guitars” and clearly these people are Canadian. They were way too nice in their treatment of United and there was not one expletive in the entire song. I would love to see you redo/update it with the appropriate rage and cursing.

  377. Wouldn’t you opening your own bag count as ‘visible signs of entry’? Because, I mean, unless someone took a knife to the lining and what-not, it’s probably not apparent immediately that something is missing, and then after you open your bag and discover something is missing, then close it back up, you’ve basically destroyed evidence and then they can say ‘well, sorry you shouldn’t have opened your bag if something was missing’. It a vicious cycle in which they never have to take responsibility for anything EVER. This is why when I have to fly I roll everything up super tight into one carry-on, and buy anything else I might need when I get where I’m going.

  378. A voucher? Seriously, I hope you’re tweeting that AA idea of compensating you is a $100 voucher, and they don’t care about inconveniencing you or any of their customers. We haven’t been allowed to lock our bags for years, so how could anyone force their away in? No wonder they’re in bankruptcy.

  379. I love your stickers! I showed them to my daughter and we decided that anyone would have to think twice about stealing our stuff!

  380. what stupid idiots! i wish i could say they lost a customer over this, but i already refused to travel on them years ago due to their all over crappy airline. and, no matter how much you can replace your laptop, etc., you can’t get back that feeling of having your rights totally violated, and then the violator make you feel like an idiot. I hate people that, not even can’t admit they’re wrong, but can’t even admit there’s enough of a possibility they could be wrong to look into it.

  381. I was just telling one of my kids not to check their laptop with their luggage this morning! Sucks to lose it though 🙁

  382. This is just beyond ridiculous – especially considering that you have to PAY THEM TO PUT YOU BAG ON THE FUCKING PLANE.

  383. True story: I was robbed yesterday morning. My laptop, GPS, Coach purse and grandparents’ silver was stolen from my van as I was packing up to drive home from Canada to South Carolina. Guess what wasn’t stolen…? Your book. It’s even the autographed copy! :-/

  384. Sucks. In every way. Airlines are such bitches. It doesn’t matter which ones. They all know they’ve got us by the balls, and they never hesitate to rip ’em the fuck off. I love you (the way a reader loves her blogger) and I hate that you’ve been violated in this way. Trust should never be received with “it’s your own damn fault,” so tell Victor I said to go collate some paper in the garage.

  386. When you do get a new laptop please install one of the many tracking programs that are out now. This way if it does get stolen again, you can use the program to find the jerk and get it back. These programs are just for iPhones and iPads anymore.

  387. No idea if someone already suggested these ideas, but here goes…

    1) you can now pull the whole “Do you know who I AM?” card. Why not? You’re a best-selling author.

    2) you could make a video of your own…similar to United Breaks Guitars. It will go viral…because everyone besides AA knows who you are ;-)… it will be hilarious and insightful and change-inspiring and a stand-alone work in its own right.

    And yeah, a zipper… forced entry, what? They tell us to NOT LOCK our shit. I think that is to make it easier for them to go through our stuff so they can pick and choose at leisure what things they want to lift. They claim safety and security. I call bullshit.

  388. Jenny – you know who has the ability (and the authority) to open your bag? THE TSA, THAT’S WHO. And, there are plenty of reports of people whose stuff has been stolen from their bags by the TSA.

    Screw the airline. File a police report.

    ~EdT.

  389. Call Chicago PD and file a police report. They’ll take it over the phone. Or the airport police if it’s separate from CPD. Basically figure out who has jurisdiction and file a report. The airline basically told your nearly for sure that the crime was committed in Chicago. If people filed police reports more and whined to the airlines less more shit might get done; airlines don’t have to give jack shit about your complaint (as you have got to observe) but police departments have a legit reason to close cases and catch bad guys (mainly they have to report figures on a federal level and having a shit-ton of unsolved cases looks really bad). Worst case they’ll tell you that you can’t file a report but at least then you’re no worse off than you are now.

  390. I’m so sorry about not only your laptop, but the frustration of dealing with AA. We were recently robbed. They stole my son’s motorcycle and our brand new chainsaw. Our dogs slept!!! through the whole thing (I’m not feeding them till they have not eaten $4000 worth of food). Cycle didn’t have theft and homeowners has a deductable of $500- the price of the saw. Cops acted like it was no big deal- but to us it was awful. I don’t think I’ll ever look at strangers the sam way!

  391. Dude. Use those email addresses I dm’d you. Serious. This kind of stuff needs to go further up the food chain.

  392. Cable ties. That’s what I always use to keep zips closed on any bags going in the hold. Instant sign of forced entry! I know it won’t keep a determined thief out but if it makes them pause and go onto the next bag insteAd, they’ve done their job.
    Sorry you’ve had such a shitty experience 🙁

  393. You’ve gotta love red-tape. It never ends…especially with airlines! And I LOVE the way that anything they don’t want to deal with? gets lumped together under “for the sake of security”…Makes you almost miss trains!

  395. American Airlines fucking SUCKS. Seriously. Yours is just one more in a very, very long list of horror stories I’ve heard about them. I will never ever fly with them. ever.

  396. Scary. If luggage and the people handling the bags are so unobserved that a lap top can be hauled out of a suitcase and carried away – what is that saying about security back there?
    AA gots some ‘splainin to do!

  397. AA is fucked now, do they not know this is going in the next book?!?!?

  398. File a police report. You may need it if you want your homeowners’ insurance to cover this anyway. And Chicagoans mostly hate O’Hare, too, so if you’re lucky, it’ll go to a detective who wants to take AA down.

  399. That is well and truly fucked. Although, I cannot lie about my excitement at having fun new sticker options for offending the delicate sensibilities of, well, anyone who requires me to mail something (bills, tax returns, formal RSVPs).

  400. I’m betting somebody has already said this, but I’ll throw it out there anyway.
    Don’t some laptops come with built in GPS type devices like in cell phones? It seems like I’ve heard a story or two about stolen laptops getting recovered that way. I’m not sure who you’d need to contact……

    At least look into it for the replacement—-okay?

  401. My dad’s a United pilot and he always checks the bins/seats after everyone leaves and mails things back if there’s an address cuz he’s a nice guy. You’re shit out of luck with checked bags though. The belly of the beast is the baggage handler’s domain.

    He says always carry your valuables and electronics on your person. The airplane company’s got thousands of bags of stuff to handle whereas you only have your stuff to watch, and since it’s yours you care the most about what happens to it. Sucks that it happened to you, but as a lifelong traveler you inadvertently committed a big travel faux pas: Don’t trust the company to keep track of important shit unless you absolutely have to. I suppose you SHOULD be able to rely on them, but on the off chance you’re one of the unlucky ones it’s best not to risk it.

  402. And by the way, I would keep an eye on the Craigslist section for computers for sale in their local Craigslist. And Ebay too. Wouldn’t it be fun to catch the thieving asshat that way?

  403. And this illustrates why the airlines are losing money left and right and trying to charge for every damn thing that should be included in the ticket price. I’d love to escape to Cancun for a week with my husband, but, damn, I just don’t want the hassle. Instead my mother in law is going to take the kids for a week so we can have a week of acting like we don’t have children. Frankly, I’m looking forward to it. We have a plethora of alcohol here and I’m pretty sure I could find a man to wear shorty shorts and a flowered shirt to serve me margaritas in the backyard and that would still cost me less money wise and sanity wise than flying. Yes, the laptop was just a thing that can be replaced, but the treatment by AA is what’s criminal here.

  404. There are services you can install on your new laptop that will give you some protection. One product is “LoJack for Laptops”. You install it and it your laptop gets stolen again, you can actually track down its location. You should ask the geeks where you buy your new laptop to install it or something like it for you.

  407. Once I was going through airport security and my laptop on it’s own in the tray (out of its case, like they make you do) was sent through the belt ahead of me while I waited in line to go through either the metal detector or the “we can see your nipple rings” cam. By the time I came out the other end, my laptop was gone and there was an unsuspecting man packing a 15″ macbook into his suitcase. I said, “Excuse me! I think you might have my laptop by mistake!” And he said, “NO. THIS IS MINE.” And I said, “NO- UNDER the 15″ inch macbook is MY 17″ Macbook Pro!” And the security guy saw me getting worked up and asked the guy to remove the stuff on top and low and behold! There’s my 3-years-older-than-his-brand-new-15″-laptop -17″ Macbook Pro. The differences in these computers are quite vast. Mine is old, massive and heavy. His is new, clean and compact. There’s zero chance he thought he had taken his when he packed it away conveniently underneath a pile of shit then “forgot” that he didn’t have two laptops to begin with? I was livid. He ALMOST got away with taking my laptop and it was in my CARRY ON. Fuckin’ flying, man. He laughed it off and pretended he had no idea it was in there… douche…

    Anyhoo- now my laptop has stickers with my name and address it all over it. There’s some shitty people out there. Just because you put it in your carry-on doesn’t mean it won’t get stolen.

  408. The TSA stole a swimsuit from us last month, which wasn’t an expensive item but resulted in a very loooong shopping trip trying to replace it.

  409. I believe this is a racket, similar to complaining about health insurance denials. They make it impossible for you to complain or speak to someone w/a brain knowing that 75% of folks will give up. Never, ever give up.

  410. Husband once totally complained about fishing reels being stolen. He would not leave airport and SUDDENLY these expense reels surfaced. What? are the airlines making some kind of kickback on stolen stuff?????
    On the other hand, I would NEVER check my computer. I almost did this trip I am on right now, but had a last minute second thought.
    On the other hand, someone now possesses the Bloggess’s inner thoughts. Well, that should fuck them up for awhile.

  411. What the fuck is up with these airlines these days? THAT’S why I rarely get my ass on a plane anymore and drive. Although, that brings up an entirely new set of fucking problems. And then the husband thinks he’s the fucking TSA and tells me what I can and can’t bring in the car. He also tries to frisk me, but we have words and I threaten to kick him in the nether regions.

    Next time, I’m traveling Harry Potter style and getting a flying broom. Anyone for Quidditch?

  412. Basically, AA and all the other airlines are sending a message to their employees. It reads, please feel free to steal from our customers.

  413. Now that companies are people they get special privileges, like not going to jail for stealing.

    Seriously though, this is madness. And it’s all ’cause most companies are too cheap to actually do anything properly or “the right way.”

  414. also awesome? when they cancel your flight due to “act of god.” or delay it by 12+ hours- yet offer no $ because it’s not been cancelled.
    or when they’re late even though. or, a DFW favorite, they land somewhere outside the state of Texas, and taxi in for over 30 minutes.

  415. I know I should say sorry for your loss of your computer, but then I got distracted how funny it would be if those stickers were actually used how those fake people used them for… Putting on my chocolate bars from now on… BWAHAHAHA…. I might be some sort of fucked up too… Oh well, I’m not alone.

  416. Definitely file a police report including all your flight info though. If this is a recurring crime, they’ll be able to map the trends and narrow it down by shift. Know any hacker, tech-savvy types? I think you can take webcam pix remotely…

  418. Next time I need to fly, I’m putting motherfucking snakes in my motherfucking bag.

  419. You know I have been pondering this over and over, really I have lost sleep over it! Ok, not really but it has bugged me. So I think that since you are the most popular bloggess ever, then you should call for a boycott of United Airlines. You get how many hits in a month? You have how many followers on FB, Twitter, and here? I think you should challenge United Airlines with that, and see what their response is. If they don’t mind losing a million+ customers that is….

  420. When I was first married, hubby was in the Marines and stationed at Monterey. I was flying up for the weekend to attend the USMC Ball. Plane from PHX to LA had no problem with me carrying on my dress for the ball. Plane from LA to Monterey said that the garment bag was too big. I showed them that it actually rolls up and can fit in the overhead. Bitch working the gate said that it was the size before rolling that counted and I had to check it. Long story short…bag was lost. I didn’t get to go to the ball and hubby stayed with me at the hotel. He got in trouble for not attending. My dress was delivered by messenger the next morning, just before I got back onto the plane to go home. I think they all suck donkey dicks. I keep hoping that railroads come back into vogue. Amtrak where are you ????????

  421. I went to a dealership mechanic once (just once is all it took). They had a big sign that said, “Not responsible for personal items left inside the vehicle.” I asked them if they didn’t think that gave their mechanics the green light to take anything they want. They said they didn’t have a problem with theft, it was just there for the customer’s protection. Sure…. so they stole my CD and smoked in my car. Pfft on them. I want some I’ll eat your baby stickers. Yes, I need them. Someday it will be payday again…. and then some will be mine.

  422. SO, I watched that you tube video and now I am going to read his book. I say to you, Jenny, KEEP going at AA. You have a huge following. Let us all keep this story going and going. Hit them where it matters to them. If Dave Carroll can do it, YOU CAN TOO!

  423. For once, I’m not really with you on this one. Basically I don’t really have faith in AA or any airline to do much about something stolen from luggage, because honestly, what are they supposed to do? The bag goes through many hands at multiple airports — and it’s more likely to be a TSA agent than AA employee anyway — and once it’s gone, I think it’s gone for good and it’s not necessarily any airline employee’s fault. Whether you’re able to report theft over the phone doesn’t make much difference. And, you know… *looks away, shuffles feet* this is exactly why they tell you not to pack your laptop in your checked bag.

    Furthermore, I’m always amazed by all the “airlines suck!!!” piles-on that are so common. I fly cross-country several times a year and have spent many hours curled up on an airport floor, rocking back and forth out of irritation, but hello. These people fly you from one side of the country to the other in less time than it takes to get through a DMV appointment. And sometimes there are snacks.

  424. YAY! Sons of Maxwell. Halifax based, just like me!
    In other news, sucks about your laptop. I hope whoever took it returns it. You never know…

  425. I would assume American Airlines would know better than to piss off a woman with an many blog followers as YOU! lol I for one intend never to fly with them (or United… poor guitar!) again. Of course, I always fly Southwest if I can… cuz I LOVE picking my victim.. um… seatmate on an airline! 🙂

  426. I recently, for the 5 or so people who actually pay attention to me on twitter, spent a year doing the cross-country-commute. 56 flights in 12 months.

    After week one, when I checked my desktop PC in a box, they gave me the lecture. “We don’t cover it for anything, loss, theft, damage, etc… but we’re going to charge you $50 for taking it onboard.”

    When I got there, after I put my computer back together, I did some research.

    Damned if I wasn’t able to FedEx my computer home at the end of my year away for a whopping $20 more, insured for loss/damage up to $500.

    Screw the airlines, ESPECIALLY American Airlines.

  428. In support, I also sent AA a letter. ~shrugs~ Maybe if they get enough of them, it’ll make a difference?

  429. I’ve had multiple thefts-from-baggage–different airlines, I’m a nature photographer and have to get tons of camera gear and computer gear through the air travel system on a regular basis. it’s enough to make one want to go postal. The number of such thefts increased significantly following the creation of the TSA, which is part (no doubt) the TSA’s people, and part the reduced accountability that results when more organizations have access to your valuables.

    What’s worse–is that an organization that doesn’t have enough control to see a laptop going out of the baggage doesn’t have enough control to see a bomb going in. And without that control, it’s pretty damn easy to blow up an aircraft. So remind me why we’re paying a lot of money to have no increase in security *and* to have our goods ripped off?

  431. SUCKS. your posting of their confidential statement is AWESOME. also, talented man with guitar had me at, “united breaks guitars.” i am so sorry that happened to him and to you. i vow to never fly again (until i am forced).

  432. My son left his Ipod at the gate at O’Hare. I contacted O’Hare, who said if it was left at the gate, I needed to contact United Airlines. United Airlines said if it was at the gate, I needed to contact O’Hare. I eventually filed a lost item report with United, who sent me back an automated e-mail saying, basically, don’t bother trying to contact us, if we find it, we’ll let you know. It was completely unsatisfying.

  434. perhaps they didn’t take the book because it wasn’t signed? Something like “dear theif, fuck you, love the bloggess”

    Sorry the airline is a douche-canoe!

  435. Had I known I would’ve bought your book at the Atlanta Hartsfield airport I was stuck on monday unfortunately a last minute change of plans left me without your book, a good laugh, and a litte aid to you to get a new laptop (not that I think you need it)

    You’ll get it back and yes may the thief loose his/her genitals in church.

    You are so fucking good, you must be preserved.

  436. Had I known I would’ve bought your book at the Atlanta Hartsfield airport I was stuck on monday unfortunately a last minute change of plans left me without your book, a good laugh, and a litte aid to you to get a new laptop (not that I think you need it)

    You’ll get it back and yes may the thief loose his/her genitals in church.

    You are so fucking fantastic!

  437. What assholes, but smile because I was reading your book on my back deck and laughing my ass off like a crazy person, I’m sure the neighbors heard me and thought WTF is going on over there.

    Best wishes on kicking some airline ass

  438. Alright, I have just read thru these comments, why can’t the airlines companies make there employees act that responsible, normal adults! Good thing I am just a teacher and don’t ever fly anywhere.

  439. Oh, oh, I just thought of something infuriating. I travel internationally for work, frequently to China. Surely, China cannot have better baggage handling protocols than the U.S., right? RIGHT? WRONG. Not only has my luggage always followed me, even though some sticky situations (flight changes, late check-ins, etc.), but when they decide to inspect it, they ACTUALLY CALL YOU BACK TO AN INSPECTION STATION AND HAVE YOU OPEN YOUR BAG FOR THEM. The inspectors don’t have a chance to steal anything because they don’t, AND WON’T, even touch your bag…they watch while you open it and show them the suspicious object. I don’t even speak Mandarin (okay, I’ve got a couple dozen words down, but none of them are airport security lingo), and they’ve always managed to communicate to me through nodding, head shaking, and gestures what they want to see and when I’ve satisfied their curiosity. If we’re going to have government-run baggage handling, could we possibly learn from a fully government-run country?

  440. Had my camera stolen at Seaworld last summer – ten minutes after the park opened. I was in a new turtle exhibit, a dark area and I put it in my purse. I realized it really quick and of course no one saw or knew anything. I went to Lost and Found filled out the stupid form and knew the camera was gone forever. I cursed the bastards that had/have it and hope they loose their genital period I dont really care where or when. I would have given them the damn thing as long as I could have the memory card with all my photos on it. Seaworld could have cared less and treated it like it was no big deal. I totally feel for you and your loss of your laptop. Next time leave nasty messages in your suitcase…

    The same thing happened to my father in law that you are enduring. He got the bag back complete with his Bible. Guess they didnt want to fuck with Karma!

    Loving your book by the way- the other gym goers think I must be plotting a zombie uprising with all my smirks and snorts of laughter!

    Sending smooches your way Jenny! Someday we will prevail – one way or another…

  441. So sorry to hear about your laptop troubles, but this is just reason number umpty-umph for me to never set foot on a plane again unless it’s just the only way for me to get to my destination. Or I’m flying/loading the plane myself. (Sadly, never got around to getting a private pilot’s license, so that last exception will probably never be true.)

  442. You are dealing with some of my least favorite things in the world: theft and patronizing bureaucracy. (Which is ridiculous to spell. Who made this word up? Probably a bureaucracy.) I wish I had had your awesome stickers to lift my spirits when my backpack was stolen at my high school, but all I had were teachers assuring me it was probably a friend playing a joke or telling me I had to pay for the books that were inside (which I didn’t have to pay for, thankfully).
    Theft is unsettling to say the least and I hope that you get some sort of peace of mind about this and that you don’t spend too much time kicking yourself over what you could have done differently. You deserve better. 🙂

  443. You are 100 kinds of awesome (please don’t ever change bc I am already highly disillusioned about bloggers). Airlines f*cking suck. We *should* be able to check our bags without those assholes stealing shit. AA and Contintal are f*cking jokes. They make Air Canada look amazing and that scares the shit out of me.

  444. My parents have lived and traveled overseas quite a bit. You know which country has the airlines most comparable to the best of the US’s? ETHIOPIA.

    That’s right. Ethiopian airlines are at the same level of quality as ours. There’s something wrong with that. South African airlines are amazing, Virgin Airlines is great…there’s so many great ones in the rest of the world but ours suck. And they wonder why fewer and fewer people are flying.

  445. Oh, and I won’t even mention my lost luggage nightmare where I was stuck in a city, visiting family, with nothing for four days. After the flight(s) from hell that got me there 12 hours after I was supposed to land.

    Okay, I mentioned it. It was years ago, but I’m still bitter.

  446. Jenny I don’t know it you will read this but once again I wanted to thank you. Not just for being you but for this post. I followed your link to look at your stickers and noticed that you can make your own…and that was what I needed. I am working on a fundraiser for a local non-for-profit that does wildlife (exotic and domestic) animal rehabilitation and rescue. I designed a logo for the fundraiser and was looking for something to put it on to get it out there. The design your own stickers was just what we needed! I posted it on FB as soon as I got them ordered and I had my first order within minutes. I’m just hoping that these stickers will help kick start our donations so “Wildstock 2012” will be a big hit and we can help all the animals that need our help. I read your blog and I have read your book and I also suffer from anxiety and depression and you have helped me see that it’s ok to be me…even if I think I’m totally crazy! I mourn the loss of your laptop but rejoice in your reunion with Copernicus! May the person that stole your laptop stub their toe and mistake the salt for the sugar whilst fixing their morning coffee! Ok, time to stop rambling. Thank you. For everything.

  447. I don’t know if anyone has mentioned this, but if you were still signed into gmail (or if it saved your password) then when the laptop snatcher logged online it would automatically get their IP Address.
    Also, Dropbox has the same feature.
    You’re special, but you’re not special in relation to whomever is stealing stuff from AA customers.
    Perhaps if you can locate this person (or ring of people), then that will save other people heartache.
    Anyways, I do hope that Copernicus is/was your background image for your laptop.
    That would probably be enough for the laptop abductor to take leave of it for fear that they had grabbed the laptop of an angry Voodoo high priestess and would be courting a leper inducing curse if they kept it……

  448. Buy a Macbook next – you can lock it remotely should it disappear, wipe it if needed, send them rude messages, and track its location. I’m pretty sure it’ll take a photo through the webcam too.

    I SEE YOU THIEVING BASTARDS!

    p.s. never check anything expensive in.

  449. One time I went to Mexico and upon picking up my luggage at the carousel I discovered TSA had taken off my TSA approved lock never to be put back on. You can imagine all the things I was thinking. Even when you play with their rules you still lose. I wanted to really yell at whatever agent had the audacity to take off a lock just to forget to put it back on and leave my luggage unsecured. We have a right to security! We have a right to know who goes in our things so if we make a complaint the right person gets reprimanded or in your situation fired for stealing. Personal property should be respected! I love your blog, and just discovered you from a book review in Whole Living magazine. Thanks for being a voice of all us travelers. The airlines do need to change their policy!

  450. Jenny,

    I currently live in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania. I flew from the States over the weekend and flew Delta/KLM and my bags were lost between Amsterdam and Tanzania. Not only did I get my bags delivered to my office building, but they had everything in them – including two cameras, a flip camera, and about $500 worth of US products so I can survive here. I am in a third-world country where the Tanzanian Shilling is worth 0.0006 of the US $1.

    Who do you think is more fucked up?
    HA!

  452. Jenny,

    I am currently living in Dar es Salaam, Tanzania and just returned from a brief visit to the US. My bags were lost between Amsterdam and Tanzania. I received both of my pieces of luggage with all of my expensive camera equipment and about $500 US worth of goods delivered to my office in Dar. Tell Victor to suck it and that the Tanzanian shilling is approximately 0.0006 of the $1 US. Which place is more fucked up?

    I used Delta/KLM FYI.
    Fuck you AA.

  453. This just seriously pisses me off. Airlines somehow have the ability do to anything they want in this country…it’s truly fucked.

  454. Every time I fly with scuba gear (about $2k worth between the two of us) I’m worried sick percisely because of this. I’ve been lucky so far, but it’s only a matter of time. I’m sorry this happened to you, and American Airlines can go sit on a splintery flagpole.

  455. Sorry to hear about your laptop. Laptops can be replaced. Losing your writing is heart-breaking.

    I keep all my important documents on Dropbox. It’s free and it’s easy to use. When my hard drive crashed, my journals and stories were still safe.

  456. Soooo….every time you abbreviate American Airlines as “AA,” I think you’re referencing Alcoholics Anonymous. And just reading this post made me want to drink copious amounts of bottom-shelf bourbon in honor of you and your laptop.

  457. DUDE. Write your congress people. You’d think that wouldn’t work, but I once got an apology letter from the IRS. I know AA isn’t a govt. office, but nobody wants the feds asking about policies and procedures. You got no other option, so why not?

  458. Don’t ever go through customs in Chicago O’Hare unless you have no choice and/or live in Chicago. The customs lines are super long, the customs agents are jerks, and the airlines people on the other end of customs are douches and extremely unhelpful. I would say avoid that whole airport like the plague if possible.

  459. American Airlines should not be able to hide behind the storm of legalese when they’ve been entrusted with your belongings and failed to meet their responsibilities. They won’t fix the problem because it allows them to deny culpability.

  462. Someone already posted that there should be an internet device that you could use to disable your stuff if it gets stolen….. I’ll take that a step further – there should be an app whereby you can BLOW IT UP if it gets stolen. Sure, there could be colateral damage if the thief is in a crowded place, but if the laptop has a remote camera, you could at least make sure the thief is in a room full of his thieving friends, or the Mother that raised a thief, before you click on “detonate”.

  463. When whomever, whoever, the person who stole your computer opens it and by chance reads through it they are going to realize who they just messed with and probably shit themselves. You got minions, the person who stole your computer gots nothing.

  464. On a trip from Atlanta to Honolulu, with a stop in LAX, my bag went missing. Somehow it always got lost through LAX no matter where my final destination (Honolulu or Atlanta). It appears they suck at transferring bags when people are transferring airlines. I won’t transfer through there anymore. Anyway, I finally got the suitcase, and I was missing so much stuff! A nice water bottle, two boxes of tea, a bracelet, 5 DVDs, and, as I finally discovered 3 months later (didn’t remember I had put it in there) an entire case of CDs. I believe I flew a combination of Hawaiian Airlines and Delta Airlines. I received $25 after filing a claim by phone/ followed up by mail, which covered the water bottle and 2 boxes of tea. As a broke college student, I can tell you honestly I was quite depressed about this. I had just flown back to school after winter break, so the DVDs, etc. were gifts I had absolutely no room for in my carry-ons (Bracelet I guess I was just stupid). But, I guess I learned my lesson. I now travel with roomier carry-ons and insist nobody ever buy me anything, because I don’t want to carry it cross-country, and I refuse to do curb-side check in. Because it’s quite hazy if that trip was the one time I checked my bag at the curb instead of inside.

  465. Honestly, I am not supprised they did nothing. On return from a recent trip, not only did I find that the individuals who inspected my bags managed to break some items (including my epilator which is no longer made and left me with sasquatch legs for the trip). They also did not bother to fully close the zippers… a freaking zipper! on my checked luggage, resulting in items being lost since when the bag is open stuff tends to fall out.

  466. I am sorry about your laptop. As a stew I feel personally responsible. Anyway, you know how much I love you! Keep up the amazing work, you fucking RULE!

  467. So I flew Delta once with an overweight bag. It had a big bright “OVERWEIGHT” tag on it but the super smart baggage people felt it was safe to pick said bag up by the little bracket on the bottom which they promptly broke off. So, since they couldn’t pass this off as “normal wear and tear” I could file a claim. Except they wanted me to bring the bag back in packed like it was when I flew. Seriously? I’m not even sure how I managed to pack it like that in the first place. THEY were the ones deeming it overweight. I had to pay an overweight fee. How did the way in which I packed it have any bearing on the reason they picked it up by a flimsy plastic anchored metal bar??

  469. OH MAN, IT’S MR. KELLEY!

    What a blast from the past. Twenty-or-so years ago in the tiny, piss-hole-in-snow town of Wilton, New Hampshire, Marty Kelley was the teacher’s assistant in Mrs. Toomey’s Readiness class, which I was lucky enough to be in. I had the most tremendous crush (that a six-year old girl could be capable of) on him and used to swoon whenever he called me “Smarty Dress” (because I never wore pants). Man was a stud. I remember him showing us his art and I decided that I totally wanted to draw pictures, too (I haven’t stopped since). He was such a cool guy, and when I saw him featured here I thought “Well look. at. that. Mr. Kelley on the Bloggess. He’s made it big.”

  470. You’ll have your revenge when American Airlines has to shut down because no one can afford to fly any more because they spent all their money replacing the things stolen while flying.

  471. I was really hoping one of the updates said “America Airlines stepped up and located my laptop, which is now home safe and sound”. Bah!

  472. I tried following this all on Twitter but being on a semi twitter hiatus, it didn’t work so well. Sorry to see that your laptop got stolen, and that AA is really really crappy about everything. But honestly, with how much AA is in the shit hole right now, I’m impressed you actually got some sort of response at all. Because if I had to guess AA won’t be around by the end of this year.

  473. Jenny – I’m sorry that some excrement for brains stole your laptop. Even with a court order, airlines will refuse access to the videos of the baggage handling area (I know – I tried). One thing I do recommend for laptops is “lojack” or its functional equivalent (http://www.lojack.com/pages/laptop.aspx). Generally, most pawn shops these days don’t want computers because there’s no economic incentive, but you should see if the local police at each end of the flight have the serial number for the computer.
    Of the many reasons I won’t fly AA and avoid UA whenever possible is the total lack of customer service; they seem to lack any concept of what it means.

  474. Sorry to hear that some troglodyte stole your laptop. May they develop terminal halitosis, BO and nail fungi. After that, may the IRS track them forever. If I think of anything nastier…I will add it.

    Perhaps the airline might benefit from a nastygram from an attorney-I would be seriously tempted to spend a couple hundred.

    I hope things improve!

  475. I’m with you , Jenny. Airlines do not take enough responsibility for theft from bags. Especially since TSA does not allow locks (other than the little wimpy ones where one key fits every single one made).
    And I’m also with you that making a complaint with the airlines is a royal PITA that needs total overhaul.

    Post offices can prevent employee theft.
    Casinos are pretty good at preventing employee theft.
    (and to you pinheads who need this: No, not perfect, not all thefts, but hugely, majorly, immensely better than airlines)
    videotape the workers who handle baggage – porters, TSA, baggage handlers, etc. Let them know they’re videotaped. and fire theives. Have someone monitoring those videotapes realtime. Save the tapes for viewing later so if complaints are made video can be viewed. Encourage victims to file police reports. Encourage police to press charges.
    It may not have been employee theft, but everyone knows that’s the highest likelihood. So, yeah, I may be jumping to conclusions. But there’s a clear, obvious, and well-publicized reason for that.

  477. I happened to mention Victor’s irrational bag of mixed messages to my husband. He sided with Victor. Big surprise.
    I then got a yelled lecture at me, for something I DIDN’T EVEN DO. (Apparently you should have listened to Victor and not put your laptop in the suitcase in the first place and then it wouldn’t be stolen and everything would be just fine.) Thanks Jenny.

    P.S. I love your stickers. I think they’re perfect for work, too. No more stolen lunches, pens, staplers, speakers (I’m beginning to think I have a bigger problem at work than I realized).

  478. Hi, me again. You may remember me from about 300 or so comments up. [snorts]

    Anyway, I just thought you’d like to know that, per Frontier Airlines guidelines for what is and is not allowed on board (checked baggage only, please), this is:

    “Antlers or horns must be free of residue; points must be covered and protected.”

    But:

    “Styrofoam Containers Not accepted.”

  479. Hi,
    I don’t shop often. Really, I don’t. But ever since I started reading The Bloggess, something odd has happened. I keep going shopping and seeing things I know would thrill her. Metal chickens. You wouldn’t think there are that many in the world, but suddenly, there are.
    Today, I was in an antique/junk shop. You know what I mean. And there, hanging from the ceiling as I walked in — I’m completely serious here — was a big ball of twine Chandelier! I took a picture. You can see it here: https://twitter.com/teresahillbooks/status/213365718006247424/photo/1/large
    Okay, maybe it’s not twine. But it’s yarn. A 70s-color mustardish big ball of yarn Chandelier. Who knew anything like this even existed? But there it was.
    The perfect chandelier for the Bloggess.

  480. Good for you for reporting this. In the blog, I mean. Reporting it to American Airlines does no good whatsoever. Your comments actually show a lot of fairness and restraint, especially considering that you must be boiling mad.

    And it is sickening that all the so-called security measures do nothing to protect us, but leads to an army of TSA worker bees, many of whom are dishonest. Police have discovered whole caches of laptops in the homes of some of America’s finest. Really!

  481. I love the idea of posting a video of the behind the scenes in the baggage area. You know that they have to have some kind of security there, right? You could have dope sneakin’, terrorist lovin’, prostitute sellin’, and thievin’ douche bags working there and they wouldn’t know because…heck there’s no reason they shouldn’t know everything that’s going on there!

  482. I put a lock on everything. I have tons of tiny locks all over the house!

  483. Yeah, O’Hare pretty much sucks ostrich butt. The last time I flew through that horrendous airport (I’m from Chicago so we fly there often but always try to go through Midway) I was wearing a sweater over a sheer camisole and no bra. The bitch at security told me I had to take off my “over clothing” as per TSA requirements. I told her it was a sweater and all I had under it was a sheer undershirt, and she told me I had to or deal with security. So I took it off, nipples a blaze, and turned around for her yelling out, “Happy now? Is partial nudity a requirement these days for flight approval, or are you just trying to get your rocks off?” Another agent handed me back my sweater immediately and she was told to go on break.

  484. Ang, the federal government has absolutely no purveiw in the handling of luggage. Only airport security. What happens after that point is all airline.

  485. Huge bummer about your laptop! Some people really suck. 🙁

    Sidenote/question: Do you know why the band members are wearing sombreros and fake mustaches in the video you posted? I couldn’t figure out any correlation when I watched it…

  486. I worked as a of customer service manager for nine million years and I must say that the worst part of the job was trying to wield my (non) power in order to ACTUALLY help customers (translation: take responsibility, don’t lie, don’t rip off etc etc the things that seem to, gee, really bug customers) however it was a hopeless battle because when it comes down to it the large majority of executives and owners don’t give a shit about what REALLY happens to their customers they just want more money for shareholders. But don’t tell anyone I said that.

  487. The only mistake you made was choosing to fly American Airlines. They are truly awful.

    *Prepare for my long, complaint about my flight from hell with AA*

    I flew with them once on an international (to China so it was a long fricken trip) round-trip and after that I swore I would never fly with them again. They accidentally marked my luggage with Japan as the final destination (I had a layover there) which I happened to notice as the woman put it on the conveyer belt. So I immediately told her and she said there was nothing she could do (as my bag went down the conveyer belt into the great airport abyss) so I got the supervisor. He then lied to my face by telling me that it wasn’t a mistake and that all international layovers require another check-in with the luggage. I found out that was a complete lie when I got to Japan and I was the only one who had to check-out and check back in to get my bags.
    Anyhow, rewinding back to Logan (where this journey started), I get to the gate and that’s when I look at my ticket and find out that the woman also managed to give me a standby ticket without ever telling me that my ticket was standby. My flight had been rescheduled from the original date due to snow…apparently when AA rescheduled me they decided to put me on standby… I had two other connecting flights (Boston to Chicago to Japan to China)…I couldn’t DO standby. Luckily I managed to catch all my planes even though I was standby until I got to Japan and switched to Air Japan. THEN when I flew back from China I discovered in Japan that American Airlines had never booked me a return trip. I was supposed to fly from Japan to O’Hare and then to Boston at least that was what I had on my original itinerary. Unfortunately that trip was booked so I had to fly from Japan to LAX to Boston which meant I got back several hours later than I was supposed to. Not a huge deal except a 24 hour trip is already exhausting enough without adding more time to that.

    So in summary: They sent my luggage to the wrong place, rescheduled my flight as standby for all my flights through AA and then somehow forgot to reschedule my return flight. Not only that but there was no apology anywhere along the way. I’d understand the lack of apology if I was being a dick to them but I was never rude (if for no other reason than because I was standby and I didn’t want to jeapordize my chances of getting on a plane). Had they apologized to me along the way I wouldn’t have decided to never fly AA again. People make mistakes, I get that, and it was probably just my rotten luck that all their mistakes coincided on one hellish trip for me. However, the complete apathy (as well as that supervisor lying to my face) the workers showed regarding all these mistakes made by their co-workers (and them) made me decide to never fly AA again.

  488. I have had so many issues with AA that I stopped flying with them. I’ve been a Jet Blue flyer for a while, and have nothing to complain about. Any time there has been an issue they are so fast to compensate me. Unfortunately on my last flight with jet blue I got bumped and put on their “partner airline” so I could make my connection. It was American Airlines. AND IT WAS TERRIBLE. I will spare the details, but I agree they have issues within that airline and they run deep. Theft is a big one and so is their respect towards the disabled/handicapped.

  490. My favorite part about when the airline lost my luggage last time – the form letter I was given ended with “thank you fro your patience.” Fro? It would have been better if they were offering me froyo to try and make up for knowingly leaving my bag in London and delivering it to me 12 hours after they promised they would. Psh.

  491. Sorry about what happened but the reason that they don’t investigate is because they can’t. Sounds stupid but a lot of the theift, late luggage, ect. is actually done by TSA. My husband works for SWA and he is always having to go to the TSA supervisors to chew them out because they open bags and don’t close them making a mess, break handles, theift, ect. Also to make it worse, DON’T think your safe. My hubby works at a small airport and at least 3-5 times a month he tells me about things they found that TSA let through security and on more than a few occasions people have actually walked right past security and walked out to the area where the planes are with out being stopped once.

    Plus from what I know AA doesn’t have their own ramp crew (the people that handle the luggage on the plane) its actually a sub contracted company so that makes it even harder to put in a proper investigation. Next time try Southwest Airlines, they take lost luggage more seriously and will actually put it on the next flight out to you insead of just mailing back to your house.

    Also buy a suitcase lock. They’re not that expensive. But if it is broken off contact the airline immediately. TSA is supposed to call you to unlock it if they have to search it but sometimes they will get lazy and break it off. Sometimes the airline employees with catch that but not always.

  492. The same airline accidently lost my bag for almost a week and when it was finally returned it was almost empty. The handlers stole all of my make-up every single one of my son’s Christmas presents (we were returning from the holidays at his grandparents). The make-up is one thing but to steal toys from a child is just ruthless. Same attitude to the theft as yours…syphilis indeed!

  493. After our honeymoon a few weeks ago, my husband had all his crap (laptop, camera, all his valuable stuff) in his suitcase and it got “delayed” because it got inspected and didn’t make the plane. Apparently laptops and the like show up like bombs or something when the bags are x-rayed. His stuff did not get stolen, and his bag was delivered that night (Southwest). We just barely made the cutoff where they make you come and pick up your luggage at the airport (30 min before flight) when they lose/misplace it. He subscribes to the “hands-free” look upon boarding a plane, I carry as much junk as I possibly can get away with and annoy my fellow passengers. I find that if you disguise yourself as a sweaty guy in a tank top and carry a big tray of those nacho things with the unnaturally orange sauce that they sell for $15 at the airport, no one will sit by you on SouthWest.

  494. A haiku for you:
    American Air
    Let someone steal your laptop
    Bitches got to pay!

    Beyonce is here
    She’s the chicken all should fear
    Mother Fucker, SQUACK,

  495. Oh!! I don’t have a good way to ask you this other than via comments, but have you heard of Kindlegraph? http://www.kindlegraph.com/

    It would be great if you could do personal inscriptions for eBooks as well as the hard cover.

    (I don’t understand how to do it but I’ll look into it. ~ Jenny)

  496. Yeah, next time you fly, take all your important items on carryon and then fill your checked-in luggage with piranhas and garter snakes. Mark them ‘fragile’ and ‘valuable’ and ‘do NOT open’; then let the fun begin…revenge is sweet. sayeth the bloggess…

  497. Next time put a sticker on your computer with a serial number and the logo of the FBI or the CIA and a “Unauthorized use of this devise is considered a Federal Offense.”
    That should make them leave your shit alone. you could also get a gun strap of a bullet proof chest to make it seem more real… Just a thought

  499. oh gee – I would HATE to lose my laptop – it has so much of my life in it and I use it everyday. I would be devestated.
    I’m in Australia and Qantas makes it very clear that lithium ion batteries (the type in laptops) are banned from going in the cargo hold, that they must be carried on board. Therefore unless you wanna pull out the battery, your laptop must be carried on board with you. I would be surprised if AA do not have this in place too – although somehow they are not communicating it? or enforcing it? I think as another posted, they see it when they scan the bag and removed it.

  500. This makes my blood boil. Same EXACT thing happened to me with AA. Lost bag, returned to me the next day, missing all items of value (purses, gifts I had purchased). Nothing as significant as a laptop, but I felt violated and was so angry that they did absolutely nothing to take responsibility. I filed a claim and was lambasted for not having receipts for each of my missing items. I’ve never flown AA again, and I let it be known/discouraged others from flying with them as well… You have a larger audience. I’m suggesting a boycott.

  502. I never fly American Airlines.
    Or Delta.
    Heck… I don’t fly…

    After losing the left engine twice at takeoff in January of 2005 (luckily we were only about 10 feet off the ground), I was done with flying. Done. Twice you say? Yes, the pilot came on over the intercom and said, (and I quote because it was such a traumatic event I remember it verbatim) “well folks, that’s obviously not what we wanted to happen so we are going to circle around and get back in line and try again”.

    There wasn’t a horse sedative in the world that could keep me in my seat. And my almost 3 year old son was sitting next to me… I was trying to be an “adult” but he insisted on color-commentating… “Oh mommy! plane went boom! fell down mommy! wheeeeeee!”

    If I can’t drive there, I don’t go. Don’t give me the stats on how I’m more likely to die in a car accident than a plane accident… there is something less terrifying (to me) about dying on the ground than plummeting to my death from miles above the ground.

  503. As a couple of other posters have mentioned, I wouldn’t ever blame the airline for baggage irregularities, it’s very rarely their fault. I work for the complaints department of a major European airline, and we get a lot of items missing from baggage (although it’s still less than 1% of all bags transported). The problem is, the airline checks in your bag, and then passes it over to the airport’s own baggage handlers, the airlines don’t employ these people. The bag then comes back to the airline when it’s loaded on the plane (or not, as the case may be) and then is handed over to the baggage handlers at the arriving airport. In this time it also goes through security and spends a load of time riding around the miles of conveyors moving through the airport. Literally hundreds of people have access to a bag between when the airline checks it in, and you getting the bag back (or not, as the case may be).

    I am constantly amazed by people who pack their iPads, and their laptops and their cameras in their suitcase and fly through somewhere like Lagos or Capetown or Delhi or Kiev, where that Ipad or laptop or camera is worth maybe 2 months pay, and are surprised when their shit goes missing. You basically need to make sure you don’t pack anything valuable in your luggage, and if you do, make sure you have good travel insurance (IF YOU FLY WITHOUT INSURANCE, YOU’RE AN IDIOT – seriously). Also bear in mind if your baggage goes missing, the airline is only liable up to approx 1,300 Euros (or whatever that is in your weird american money…).

  504. I am really super sorry you lost your computer, but you can’t check anything valuable or even not valuable, and if you do you have to buy insurance or instead Fedex it. In fact, I usually ship my luggage now with Fedex to my hotel for vacations instead of paying the airline and trusting the airlines – it isn’t much more expensive and I trust FedEx. Unfortunately the airlines can’t be responsible for stolen items because they don’t have control over the item the entire trip. Also they can’t afford to track down every complaint, there are a lot of false complaints trying to get money out of them, so that is why you have to come in person. Laptops and Phones are the #1 stolen items, not just from luggage but from airports where someone puts their bag down to buy a coffee and poof – gone. Thieves are professionals. If you store all your data on the internet (other servers) not on your harddrive you at least won’t lose your data (and when your computer crashes you’ll have your stuff).

    Look on the bright side- you get to buy a new one! Shopping as therapy. How about a Red one?

  505. american so makes my blood boil. a few years ago, they lost my kid. yeah, you read that right. my parents were putting my almost-15-year-old on on the plane home when they made the mistake of mentioning his age to the ticket agent. nevermind that his birthday was the next day and that he was perfectly comfortable traveling alone, because he was not yet 15, american made my parents pay $100 extra to have him wear a lovely lanyard & badge and get escorted. except after the first flight, american totally lost track of him. no escort, no assistance, no communication. my son deplaned solo and made two more connections by himself. which is what he preferred in the first place, but pre-cell phones stage, i had no idea. so when i show up to pick him up, the agent is escorting me to the gate to meet him, but no kid. that’s because he’s at baggage claim, traveling alone, with none of the required signatures as he supposedly got passed from agent to agent along the way. seriously? let me get this straight. we had a pay for a service we didn’t want against our will and then american completely neglected to perform said service? they lost a minor that they forced us to pay $100 to take care of? oh, wow…you can imagine the fun of trying to get satisfaction on that one. in the end? you guessed it…a $100 voucher. awesome.

  506. I also had a laptop stolen from my luggage. I was traveling with my very expensive instrument, and I had my laptop in the outer pocket of the case, and one of the ground staff at LAX told me that my hand luggage was too heavy and would need to be checked. I was like, bitch, no, this is worth more than your annual salary, nobody is touching it but me, and they made me put my laptop in my suitcase and check that instead. When I arrived in London twelve hours later not only was my laptop gone but so was my favorite sundress! I called the airline (Virgin) and they also told me tough shit, and I screamed that they had THIEVES working for them, didn’t they fucking care about that?! And they didn’t.

  508. same thing happened to me once. I also was silly and put my laptop inside my checked luggage. Except I was flying Delta…. and somehow it got in the hands of a former FDNY who then worked at the Jet Blue Terminal at JFK. Sucks for them though because my husband is a computer ninja, and we got the computer back and threw the suckers in jail. 🙂

    You can read all about it here!
    http://blog.sujovian.com/post/142233544/stolen-macbook-pro-recovered-via-mobile-me

  509. I hate *hate* HATE checking baggage. I checked my bag once, with NO valuables in it, and it got stolen BY A BAGGAGE HANDLER. No joke. It made it off the plane (the system shows it was “scanned” – that barcode thing on your luggage tag/tracker), but it never made it to the baggage claim carousel. Which means somewhere between the plane and the claim area it went missing. Who has access? ONLY BAGGAGE HANDLERS and AIRPORT EMPLOYEES (security screened and verified personnel? BULLSHIT). The damn airport never investigated. In fact, they refused. I avoid checking bags at all costs now. So yes, I am one of those annoying people with the roller-bag as a carry on and I make no apologies for it.

    Oh, my bag was eventually returned, with the luggage tracker and my ID tag removed, and everything in it tossed around, to a DIFFERENT airline’s lost baggage office. I had to SHOW UP IN PERSON to verify that it was my bag. The only reason they knew to call me is I had put a copy of my business card in the liner of the suitcase and the thief missed removing that. I felt the need to sanitize everything in that bag, and the bag itself.

  510. That sucks! AA, US Air, and British Air have all lost my luggage, and while I was lucky enough to eventually get them all returned to me without any theft (making a shitty situation shittier), it sucks even just having to go without clean pants for three days, something I was forced to do and told anyone who’d listen on my first trip to Scotland, to the total mortification of my English friend. Apparently the Brits wear their pants under their pants (which they call trousers, little nuggets of info that Helen Fielding really should’ve thought to include in Bridget Jones’ Diary, my source of truth for all things British. What. A. Bitch.). So basically I was wandering around Scotland telling everyone I was wearing three-day-old panties because British Air, a company that specializes in getting people from one place to another, couldn’t do the same for my luggage. So yeah, airlines totally suck.

  511. Shiiiiit! Bloggess, I feel your pain. When I lived in Syphilis City on a ground floor apartment, somebody kicked their way through my window and stole all my electronics, including a broken hard drive. (I was saving up to have the data rescued from the hard drive). One of the worst parts was feeling violated (somebody going through your stuff is incredibly shitty), and the very worst part was knowing I wasn’t going to get the data on my stolen lap top and hard drive back, ever. I hope you had your stuff backed up :/ I also hope karma bites whoever stole your stuff on the anus.

  513. AA at O’Hare temporarily lost one of my bags once, too. Although the most valuable thing in it was two bottles of Vermont Maple Syrup, so the robbers that day must have been diabetics.

  514. Did you report it to the airport? I left my wallet on one flight (one of the last ones that night), long enough to get my luggage, get to the car, and realize that it was gone. After I found a check-in person to go get it, she handed it back to me. All the credit cards were there, but all were in different slots. The money was gone, over $100. There was a security guard who was alerted once I started asking around for someone to help. We filled out a statement. He said most people don’t report theft there. Turned out that one of the two guys on the cleaning crew had also been there when another theft had occurred and they fired him (yay).

  515. I have flown over millions ( plural ) of actual miles on Delta Airlines – I have flown about 50K on American.
    They have yelled over the loud speaker -told people to sit down in a harsh tone and rarely EVER thank you for flying with them. They are the most miserable bunch of old bat flight attendants I have ever dealt with . I mistakenly left my laptop on an AA flight – I called lost and found – I begged – I returned to the airport before the plane even left again..and begged them to look for my lap top – I have been put on hold for over 2 hours at a time..when someone told me they would help me then they disconnected me. ( that happened 3 times) I have written emailed -mailed letters- just begged for someone to try and look for my lost BRAND NEW mac book pro – and AA’s only response is that it is not their fault and not their problem. I have had to ask God to help me not hate them – they are miserable jerks .

  516. Actually, if someone never told you this (didn’t read all the comments), in the state of Texas, (which I reside in also) you can print or record anything you want to, as long as one party is privvy. That includes you. So, as long as you are aware that you received that notice, you can blast it out to the world to your own heart’s content.

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