UPDATED: #Author Unknown

Right now on twitter, quotes from “author unknown” are going viral.  My guess is that they’re all unknown because the author realized the quote was missing something.  Lucky for them, I’ve completed the rest of their quotes for them.  You are welcome, author unknown.  (Feel free to add your own in the comments.)

“The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”  So hide behind someone happy.  They often have cash in their wallet you can pickpocket.  That’s usually why they’re so damn happy.

“The things that hurt us teach us.”   Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.

“Happiness is in the heart, not in the circumstances.”  Keep that in mind when you get a good cardio check-up on death row.

Always remember to be happy, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.”  Because it might be a serial killer and then at least you spent your last few minutes happy.  No sense in worrying about Tuesday’s assignment if you’re about to be brutally murdered today.

“Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.”  Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet.  Thank God I wore nice underwear.

“Anyone who says they have only one life to live must not know how to read a book.”   Or maybe they only get one soap opera.  Stop being so literal, asshole.

“Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.”  That’s not as positive as you think it is if you work in a sleazy massage parlor.  It’s all about the circumstances, really.

“No one ever drowned in sweat.”  That you know of.  Because they couldn’t tell you.  Because they’d drowned in sweat.  I once knew someone who died when he tried to get beer out of the bed of the truck while the truck was still moving.  None of us was really surprised when we heard who it was.

Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ”  Same thing with laptops.

“No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ”  Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.

“Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.”  Unless it’s that four horsemen thing.  Seriously.  That sounds scary as shit.

“Often he who does too much does too little.”  So maybe you should go watch some TV.

“Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ”  That’s why I bring a chainsaw and a ball-peen hammer.

A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ”  The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it.  I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.

“It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.”   This is especially applicable in arson.

Love is like a flower: Once you pick it, it slowly dies.”  Hearts, livers and boogers work on the same principle.

“The best way out of a problem is through it.”  Unless that problem is a fire.  Then you’re fucked.

”If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.”  Start bench pressing your dog.

Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ”  Unless that someone is Jim Beam.

When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”  If it’s that ‘walking through a fire’ thing again Hope is trying to get you killed.  She probably has an insurance policy out on you.

“It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ”  So if you have a choice in your college, major in being a horse.

“It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ”  Edgar Allan Poe would disagree.

“There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all”   Unless it’s lion language because they’ll think you just bared your teeth at them.  And now you’re fatally mauled.  Great communication there, asshole.

 UPDATED:  Holy shit, you people are brilliant and I’ve been giggling uncontrollably at your comments.  Also, lots of you have pointed out (quite astutely) that regarding the horse quote I should have said that you should major in being a coachman since he’s the one who gets the tips but I ask you, what would a horse do with a tip?  A horse is happy just being a horse and he’s always employed.  Except when he isn’t, in which case he’s just on a paid vacation.  Horses almost never care about tips.  That’s how you know you’ve made it.  When you don’t care about getting tips anymore.  Or when you’re a horse.  Honestly, people.  You’ve gotta think this shit through.

248 replies. read them below or add one

  1. “It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ” Edgar Allen Poe would disagree.

    My favorite. These are hysterical!

    Like

    EmSpeaks recently posted I’ll Carry On, But I Won’t Keep Calm.

  2. “Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is `How to increase your word power’.
    That thing is really, really.. really…. good. — Homer Simpson

    Like

    Julie recently posted Advice Under the Influence.

  3. “The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.

    ^ my new favourite quote.

    Like

    Amanda recently posted in which I remember what the sun feels like.

  4. Oh, Jenny! You’ve made my morning!

    Like

  5. “When camping, you don’t need to run faster than a bear. You only need to run faster than your friend.” Unless zombies are in the forest. Then it doesn’t matter how fast either of you run.

    Like

    Colleen Pence recently posted Dear Dad.

  6. I’m now addicted to all-things Jenny Lawson. A little cyber-stalkerish, maybe, but you say the things that rattle around in my brain (well, not everything). I don’t obsess about serial killers and Chupecabra’s as much as you do. But obsessions with proving spell-check wrong? Absolutishly. Yeah, that’s a word!

    Like

    Kelly recently posted The Great Father’s Day Debacle of 2012 (not to be confused with the one from 2011).

  7. ” “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it. I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.”

    Never bring a knife to a gun fight. Never bring a smile to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a smile fight. On second thought, strike that last one. People who smile all the time are probably plotting your death so it’s always best to be prepared.

    Like

  8. My favorite – Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ” Same thing with laptops.

    Thanks for the laughs!

    Like

    Sue recently posted Doggy play date.

  9. I AM watching TV. Thanks for giving me permission!

    Like

    Jillian recently posted Because Jeff Corwin Is A Wimp: A Father’s Day Post.

  10. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” But if you’re a total dumbass, after you’re no longer discouraged, you’ll keep trying all the keys and will forget which one really works and have to start all over again. AND now you’ll never get the door open to get out of “Hope’s fire.”

    Like

  11. God never gives you more than you can handle.*

    *see previous reference to Four Horsemen.

    Like

  12. Last one is my favorite. Okay, and the Poe one.

    Like

  13. Hahaha, I need to spend more time on Twitter. I have no idea what you’re talking about, but it looks like a fun game. Maybe now that the wedding is over, I can do more pointless internet surfing. Check my linky thing at the bottom for wedding bliss infographical picturegrams. I’m an asshole.

    Like

    Birdman recently posted I don’t know where to start.

  14. This is hysterical! I think I’ve peed myself twice already.

    Like

    Elle recently posted Chocolate Pots De Crème.

  15. “Smiling is my favorite exercise.” I guess that explains why my dog and I are so fat.

    Like

    Kari recently posted Why deer make terrible hitchhikers, or, duct tape can fix almost anything.

  16. LOL! I never got that one about picking love. How do you pick love? Is it like picking a scab or something?

    Like

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted Dear USA Today, Please Stop Trying to Report on the Gaming Industry Like You Know What You're Talking About.

  17. My favorite is:
    “The things that hurt us teach us.” Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.
    Priceless.

    Like

    Maggi recently posted Waiting....

  18. You are truly a fount of wisdom.

    Like

    Allyn recently posted Foodie Friday: Link Love.

  19. 19
    Deelirious

    Another thought for “Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” ….. that’s how you become a stalker.

    Like

  20. Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” Unless that someone is Jim Beam.

    …Jack Daniels, Little Debbie, or Jimmy Dean.
    Great, I’m hungry and thirsty now.

    Like

    Kara recently posted Countdown to New Shoes Album Day 1, Track 15.

  21. I find all this quoting about smiles extremely creepy. “If you catch someone smiling alone for no discernible reason, do not let it brighten your day, leave the room immediately.” – Anonymous (me)

    Like

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted The All-New Super Friends Round Up S2 Ep5A – “The Monster of Doctor Droid”.

  22. Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget……………………..especially the ones who hold your hair when you start projectile vomiting after one too many tequilla shots.

    Like

    KB recently posted Life is Better When Shared – Day 25.

  23. I’d complete a few of these somewhat differently:

    “Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.” – Actually, I’d ditch this one entirely. I subscribe to the Scotty method of promising. Figure out just how much you can accomplish and then promise much less insisting that doing what is asked of you (in the time asked to do it in) is impossible. Then, when you do what was originally asked of you, you’ll be hailed as a miracle worker.

    “Often he who does too much does too little.” Especially when the person in question has been clicking through Wikipedia. But at least the person in question knows that Stéphanie Öhrström is a Swedish football goalkeeper. That makes all that wasted time totally worth it.

    “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” So the lesson is to just have two keys in your bunch. This way you will get to the last key quicker. Whatever you do, though, don’t have one key. It will simultaneously be the first key (and thus not work) and the last key (and thus work) and the Universe will implode. You don’t want to end all of existence do you? You do? Will someone please keep all keys away from this person?

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” Maybe, but then your teeth will break along with the ice and your smile won’t be as powerful then. will it? Don’t believe me? Ask some hockey players to smile. Trust me, it’s not pretty.

    Like

    TechyDad recently posted The #DisneySMMoms Report: A Wild Time Trekking Through Africa, Part 1.

  24. I’ve spent half an hour reading everything here. I wonder if I can bill my client for this and mark the work as “social media and marketing research”? Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

    “Beer after wine and you’ll feel fine; wine after beer and you’ll feel queer.” — the adage doesn’t say anything about vodka. What about vodka, assholes?

    Like

    Dumb {Squared} recently posted If Father's Day was a real holiday, we'd celebrate it on Mondays and get a long weekend.

  25. I think you may have just crashed twitter. This showed up on my RSS feed, and not 30 seconds later, I got the dreaded “Tweets are taking too long to load” message.

    Like

  26. “dance like no one is watching” because dancing like a mentally deranged person usually keeps the creepy grinders from rubbing up against you in da clubs.

    Like

    Megan recently posted Momogoose.

  27. I have encountered many people who must have majored in being the back end of a horse.

    Like

  28. “Good friends are like flowers” they make you sneeze and harbor wasps who will sting you to death

    Like

    Megan recently posted Momogoose.

  29. “The things that hurt us teach us.” They teach us how to sue people for hurting us so they have to put warning labels on the product that say you could get hurt doing something that no one else would ever think of doing with the product.

    “No one ever drowned in sweat.” They usually die of the heart attack that caused them to fall to the ground long before they have a chance to aspirate the pool of sweat.

    “Love is like a flower: Once you pick it, it slowly dies.” Brains also work on the same principle. Remember that the next time someone asks to pick yours…

    “Never give up on someone you can’t go a day without thinking about. ” Until you are served with the order of protection, you creep.

    When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” This is especially true when trying to recreate dangerous stunts you see on YouTube. Hope is a bitch that way.

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” So try it. Repeatedly. Signed, Your Dentist, Dr. Hope, Who Could Use Another Vacation Home.

    Like

  30. “Never deprive someone of hope — it may be all they have.”
    Makes me think that “Hope” would make a good hooker name.

    Like

    Ashley recently posted If you give a girl some free time....

  31. This makes my Monday so much better. 🙂

    Like

    jesspants recently posted BOGO? I’ll take half a dozen!.

  32. I think I’d rather not be the horse. All the work, and only oats every day. I like oats and all but what about chocolate and booze?

    Like

  33. Oh, I forgot about the wine/beer corollary. I’d always heard it as liquor before beer, in the clear, but beer before liquor, never been sicker. Of course it could be just because it rhymes, but it does include vodka….

    Or how about that one God never gives us more than we can handle? What? That’s just fucking bullshit if you ask me. That was made up by some stupid manager somewhere who wanted someone to do 3x the amount of work in 1/2 the time allotted after their husband left them and their dog died. I mean, come on. (Sorry, it’s a thing that really annoys me)

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    Sarah recently posted Conversation with my son.

  34. ““It’s always been and always will be the same in the world: The horse does the work and the coachman is tipped. ” So if you have a choice in your college, major in being a horse.”

    no thanks… I’d rather major in being the coachman. I just want tips

    Like

    Shelley (@momma_oz) recently posted The REAL reason(s) I work out….

  35. 35
    VadoBanane

    “There is no telling how many miles you’ll have to run while chasing a dream.” Might I suggest getting in shape and a good pair of shoes? Don’t bother trying to order anything from Acme to assist you because Wile E. Coyote already tried all of that and frankly, his embarrassment just kept going from bad to worse.

    Like

  36. I lamented I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. He wasn’t using them.

    Like

  37. Thanks for a good belly laugh to start my week!

    Like

    Dolores recently posted Moment of Well Being.

  38. “How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” – Unless it’s cocaine. Then at least you can say goodbye to your septum.

    “Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over n over again expecting different result.” If any factory workers find out about this the mental health industry is going to get swamped.

    “The hardest thing to do is loving someone and having the courage to let them love u back….” You have clearly never tried removing a badger from a shoe closet.

    “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” But with any luck their hourly rates will be quite reasonable.

    Like

  39. “A joy shared, is a joy doubled. A sorrow shared, is a sorrow halved. ” Now, I’m no mathematician… but isn’t this part of the Pythagorean Theorem?

    Like

    Jenni Kitchen recently posted Catharsis....

  40. I hate these “inspirational” quotes (that people seem especially fond to deliver to you when you’re depressed – I once got a whole book of them as a birthday present). But with your little touches added to them, they’re hysterical! Thanks, you made my evening.

    Like

  41. Recently a “friend” posted a motivational poster she saw hanging in a bathroom. It was some nonsense about will power verse strength getting the job done, but when you applied it to bathroom business instead, it suddenly became brilliantly funny. Now I read all motivational posters as if they apply to pooping. It’s like adding “in bed” at the end of fortune cookies , but with poo.
    Now I have the added bonus of applying Bloggess logic to twitter post. This is the really key to happiness, jokes of poo and serial killers.

    Like

    Rixie4 recently posted Relaxation Gone Wrong.

  42. So funny but I hope you meant “major in being a coachman” why would we want to be the horse?

    Like

    Vivian recently posted Star Worship.

  43. I love the one about if your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise. Another alternative is that someone in the family is giving your dog more food than it needs, so I’m pretty sure it’s not that clear cut.
    Also, I went to my library to reserve your book, and at least 30 people have reserved it before me! Girl, you’re popular!

    Like

  44. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” That’s like saying you always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.

    Of course you do because once you find it YOU STOP F*CKING LOOKING.

    You’re right, these quotes are missing something.

    Like

    my honest answer recently posted Why Are Mean Girls….Mean?.

  45. @Mysticdog – thanks for the additional laugh. And thanks to Jenny for making my day, again!

    Like

  46. No one’s ever drowned in sweat – So says those skinny bastards who never put on any F*^%”ng weight no matter what they eat See this and you’ll know what I’m talking about http://tomstronach.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/mr-fat-isnt-so-fat-anymore-but-still.html

    Like

    Tom Stronach recently posted Private Policing in the UK, is it New?.

  47. Happiness is in the heart not in the circumstances, just isn’t doing it right.

    If you know to do it you can take your happy circumstances and make your heart happy too.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Marital rating scale for wives.

  48. “Don’t cry over spilled milk.” It only makes it salty. Not that you would necessarily drink the milk now that it has been spilled, but geez….what kind of person drinks milk mixed with salt water?

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    Jon Jones recently posted Christopher Breen performing "We'll Get Through".

  49. So wait…someone *did* drown in sweat?!?!

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted The Futon of Death May Literally Be Trying to Kill Me.

  50. My coworkers officially think that I’m bat shit crazy. Note to self: once you start snerking at the internets, it’s time to read Jenny at HOME.

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    Posy Palette recently posted Being a Wen Girl.

  51. When the going gets tough, the tough get going…..but only the wily will survive the zombies.

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    Barbara recently posted Tonsillectomy Recovery: Days 7 & 8 And Moving On…..

  52. Edgar Allan Poe would disagree muahaha… I’ll tell that to Habitat for Humanity…

    Like

    Pish Posh recently posted Saturday Sandwiches Returns: It's Tamale Time!.

  53. ”If your dog is fat, you’re not getting enough exercise.” Start bench pressing your dog.

    Do they say the same about cats? I’ve been thinking about using them as free-weights when I go for walks…

    Like

    The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted Father's Day Weekend: A Story in Pictures (Mostly).

  54. I guess the thief still has your laptop. You should install a detonation feature on your next one…just in case it gets stolen, too. Ka-POW.

    Like

    XLMIC recently posted Another Dad Post.

  55. “The things that hurt us teach us.” As a sadistic high school teacher, this will now be my motto. Punching kids is good for all of society, really.

    Like

    Teri recently posted Mutt Metaphor Monday #13.

  56. Completely off-topic. I was reading your chapter about your RA diagnosis and it brought this article to mind:

    http://www.honestmedicine.com/2009/03/burt-berkson-md-phd-talks-with-honest-medicine-about-his-work-and-our-medical-system-the-interview-t.html

    Dr. Berkson has done some amazing things for RA sufferers without resorting to chemo drugs. I hope you check him out. He practices in Las Cruces – you could visit Victor’s relatives in Hatch.

    Like

  57. 57
    Carrielitch

    Jenny, market this! Color block in trendy fonts, frame it, and sell it through your site! You’d make zillions! I’d hang them all over my house!

    Like

  58. OMG…thank you. I needed to laugh hysterically. And now everyone’s looking at me funny.😐

    Like

  59. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    I’d change it to :
    “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet and above me is some pigeon shit falling fast. Thank God I wore nice underwear. Better run.

    Like

    Kelly and Geoff recently posted Following up on Replacements.com and North Carolina Hate.

  60. A kindred soul. I like you so much, Bloggess! I’m not the only one with “other” comments in my head to all the motivational quotes out there. And yours are funnier!

    Like

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  61. “The things that hurt us teach us.” Or they kill us. Maybe you should just skip that class.

    A new motto to live college my college life by

    Like

  62. Wait. Why would I want to major in being a horse if that poor bastard is sitting on the side of the road watching the asshole that just whipped him get a sawbuck from some other asshole who just stood by and watched my ass get whipped, and didn’t do anything? I know, I just switched tenses or third-person infinite or something, but that’s another reason why I wouldn’t want to be a horse. No grammar skills.

    Like

  63. Rixie4, my husband will love your take on motivational posters.

    The one on Twitter that made me laugh out loud is “Thou shalt not mess with womens’ rights. Fallopians 20:12”

    Like

  64. The “deliver more than you promise” one kind of pisses me off. When did 110% become the new 100%? Especially considering that 110% is mathematically impossible. If you want me to wear 27 pieces of flair, make the requirement 27 pieces of flair instead of 15 pieces of flair.

    Like

    Natalie recently posted Watching Movies With Nudity With Your Parents.

  65. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger
    (or horribly maims you).

    Early to rise, early to bed, makes a man healthy but socially dead.

    Like

    Heretic Husband recently posted Guest Post: Wrestling With Faith.

  66. So glad to see someone else gets sick of these stupid cliched sayings. You add so much to them. Thanks!

    Like

  67. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    Thank you for exposing these cliches, esp. the above. Heh heh. (I read your book, so I know sometimes you aren’t wearing underwear. Watch out for the paparazzi.)

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Spicing It Up.

  68. “There is no telling how many miles you’ll have to run while chasing a dream.”

    Unless your dream is to watch television and eat Cheetos until you’re housebound. Not much running there.

    Like

    Dana the Biped recently posted Hops in the Right Direction: The Vow.

  69. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.

    And above me, btw, is a bird who is aiming to sh*t on my head.

    Like

  70. Nothing else tops a Bloggess rebuttal.

    Like

    tokenblogger recently posted At what age….

  71. TechyDad said: “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ” So the lesson is to just have two keys in your bunch. This way you will get to the last key quicker. Whatever you do, though, don’t have one key. It will simultaneously be the first key (and thus not work) and the last key (and thus work) and the Universe will implode. You don’t want to end all of existence do you? You do? Will someone please keep all keys away from this person?

    He just invented Schrodinger’s keys.
    I have laughed so hard that I scared all three of my cats into hiding.

    Like

    Kathy P in Pittsburgh recently posted garden update.

  72. Clearly I need to follow more on these anonymous quotes. Your “finishers” are hilarious! Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  73. “It takes hands to build a house, but only hearts can build a home. ” Edgar Allen Poe would disagree.

    You make me so happy.

    Like

  74. “You can pretty much quote anything behind an ‘Anonymous’ tag” – Anonymous

    Like

  75. Actual Facebook Quote: “Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

    Because we have to spend years and years in therapy and move and change our name and our hair color and block their number on our cell phone. So really, we’re better off with the ones that just go quickly.

    Like

    Lynn recently posted Will Canadian Zombies Be More Polite Than Other Zombies?.

  76. “The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.

    Or you could try going around the problem. Or maybe out the back window. A helicopter?

    “Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” – I love Jack Handey

    Like

  77. “Insanity is when you keep doing the same thing over and over again expecting different result.”

    What about flipping a coin?

    Like

  78. Yeah, you should all read thatisntart.com . Jenny, you would love the shit out of that website.

    Here’s a sample: “I miss your smile, but I miss mine more”

    Brilliant effing response: Oh god! You’ve contracted Nonsmileous Painfilious, a horrible disease that prevents infected people from forming a smile by constricting the muscles of the jaw and the nerves in your skull. It’s painful, it’s incurable, and you’ll have to eat mostly soft food for the rest of your life. Unfortunate, but you will learn to deal with this.

    Wait. I just realized I made that disease up. It doesn’t exist. Turns out you can still smile, and it requires little to no effort and you can do it whenever you want. So if you miss your smile, you can just do it right now and you won’t have to miss it any longer.

    Wait. Wait. Wait. I get it. You’re saying that you miss your smile because you’re lonely and sad and so you can’t smile because you’re so depressed you spend all of your time walking at dusk, picking up dead leaves and thinking about smiles and how you don’t see smiles and how you can’t smile. The easy solution here would be to just smile and be done with it.

    Like

  79. I always hate these type of sayings…………….you just made them so much better

    Like

  80. Oh. So. Funny. Thanks for this. Made my day.

    Like

    LanieKay recently posted Is My Pre-Existing Condition Covered Under My Travel Insurance?.

  81. “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink.” Maybe the horse wanted a beer. Perhaps a really expensive beer. So quit being a cheap skate.

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Preparing for June 2012 Open Full Moon ritual.

  82. Hey Jenny,

    I was at the BEA Conference, and I heard you speak twice. It was at the end of your second speech that I spoke with you about my niece, who suffered from a similar illness. As I mentioned then, I would like to send you a complimentary book that she wrote about Depression that helped many people. However, I misplaced the note with your email that you gave me. Will you please let me know your mailing address or email so that I can send the book to you. As I also mentioned, my niece Kate, was an artist, and what makes the book so special is it is over 100 pages of drawings that depicted what she was feeling. It is unique and extraordinary in one that has a happy ending. Fourteen years later, I am happy to say she went onto graduate from college, start a career in art, has authored a second book, and is completely off her meds. Please email me at Patrick@SparkShaughnessy.com

    Thank you for your time in advance. Wish you much success on your new book!
    Spark

    PS My wife grabbed the book the minute I brought it home – she is loving it, and won’t pass it onto me until she finishes it!

    Like

  83. “Find something you love to do and you’ll never work a day in your life.” … But unless what you love is ‘being a poor, homeless wretch’, things are going to go downhill pretty fast.

    Like

    scubadivider recently posted Let's Pretend This Never Happened: (A Mostly True Memoir).

  84. I love these! I’ve been a fan of the “Demotivators” posters for years and co-workers don’t always appreciate them. These quotes make me happy in the same way!🙂

    Like

    Amanda recently posted Just Peachy.

  85. “The world always looks brighter from behind a smile.”
    Or when you take off your sunglasses after having your eyes dilated.

    “The things that hurt us teach us.”
    But I’m not willing to increase my IQ by putting needles in my eyes.

    “Say this every day: …”
    Sorry, no. Every day is different because repetition is boring. See also “Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result is insanity.”

    “Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it.”
    Keep looking – what you seek is always in the last place you look. See also “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.”

    “No one ever drowned in sweat.”
    No one ever drowned in procrastination, either.

    “Every day is an opportunity to make a new happy ending.”
    Let me know when you come up with an ending that doesn’t include the fact that all living things die.

    “Often he who does too much does too little.”
    Unless he’s handing out money and oral sex AND beer.

    “The early bird catches the worm.”
    But the second mouse gets the cheese.

    “Eagles may soar next to heaven, but snakes don’t get sucked into jet engines.”

    Like

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  86. They say to follow your dreams. But what if your dreams are stupid?
    They just be yourself. But what if you’re an asshole?

    Like

    Karen Snow Drake recently posted You Say Fuck-up, I Say Skill-Building.

  87. “There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all”
    Even monkey. But then you’re just asking for shit to go down when you smile at a monkey. Monkeys hate smiles y’all.

    “A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ”
    And I’ve sure people have tried and have lost many teeth as a result of it. That’s probably the shittiest way to have to break ice.

    Like

  88. Now I’m going to go lock the door so that Hope chick can’t get me, and turn on the TV. I don’t have an ice pick, but my knitting needles are pretty sharp…I think I’m ready to face the rest of the day.

    Like

    Patti B recently posted Putting the "a-long" back in "knit-a-long".

  89. Thank you so much, for this. Somehow, half of my Facebook friends have decided to post from the same “inspirational” quotes sources, so my news feed is a constant stream of “Buck up, little camper!” or “Life… UR doin it wrong!” crap. So I love what you did with these quotes.🙂

    Like

  90. The one that makes me mad the most is “Live every day as though it was your last.” Really? Like I should spend all my money and get drunk on a beach somewhere surrounded by pretty girls? What if I don’t die? Wouldn’t my loved one’s be kinda weirded out by a heartfelt goodbye at 9am on the Monday? Who comes up with this shit?

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted Harvesting Hay -now with Poor Planning!.

  91. Love these!

    Like

    Crack You Whip recently posted How to Be Professionally Rejected.

  92. “Dance like nobody is watching.” Don’t worry — everyone dances with knives while wearing clown makeup.

    Like

  93. When the world says, “Give up,” Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”

    This is also how drug addiction works.

    When the world says, “Give up,” Crack whispers, “Try me one more time.”

    Like

  94. Thank you. I really WAS missing the rest of those quotes. REALLY. Missing. Bwa ha ha ha.

    Like

  95. “If life gives you lemons, make lemonade”. Why the hell should I? I’ll ignore the lemons and drink my whiskey.

    Like

    David recently posted If Its Monday This Must Be Krakatoa.

  96. I remember the first time I really read the bible I started in Revelations and then took me a while to ever pick it up again. Yep those four horsemen do sound scary as shit…x❤

    Like

    karen hughes recently posted Dropped the Ball.

  97. “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Above me is a crow full of cherries. Thank God I wore a hat.

    Like

    Melisa @ Just Begin From Here recently posted ode to father’s day..

  98. Okay, hands down the Edgar Allen Poe one was the best!
    My cheeks hurt from laughing so hard…and I’ve got tears running down my face AND my thighs now.

    Like

    Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted VAGINA!.

  99. “Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad.”

    Either way, you have to have a penis.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted No Posts Were Found!.

  100. 100
    Crystal Sutton

    “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” Said someone who has never gotten credit for anything.

    Like

  101. Anybody remember Reepacheep? I may be spelling his name wrong, but as a writer, that little literary mouse was the first thing I thought of when I saw the Bloggess’ book (happily) displayed prominently in my local Barnes and Noble!

    Like

  102. ““The best way out of a problem is through it.” Unless that problem is a fire. Then you’re fucked.” Best one! The new slogan for the fire prevention week.

    Like

  103. Thanks for making me smile. I needed it today. Mondays suck… I actually locked myself out of the house today and left my car keys sitting on the table right by the door. It was crap. But yeah… It’s doing better now.

    Like

    keaven neely recently posted Too much to think straight.

  104. Of course it’s the last key that opens the lock. Any moron still trying keys after that deserves to be locked out.

    Like

  105. I love snarky sarcasm aimed at stupid think-yourself-happy zen philosophies.

    But with the horse and the coachman and choosing majors at college… wouldn’t you want to be the driver if the driver is the one who gets tipped? And not the horse because then you do all the work and don’t get shit?🙂

    Like

    Kristen Mae recently posted Serendipitous Dumpster Diving.

  106. Coachman. Not driver. Coachman. It’s not a limo.

    Like

    Kristen Mae recently posted Serendipitous Dumpster Diving.

  107. “Promise only what you can deliver. Then deliver more than you promise.”

    If I promised all that I can deliver, how can I deliver more, you fucking fucks?

    That Author Unknown guy pisses me off.

    Like

    Brian recently posted Bananas Make You Younger!.

  108. “A woman wears her tears like jewelry.” And that same woman eventually learns that “bottle-of-my-own-tears” necklaces make really awkward Christmas gifts.

    “Someday, someone will walk into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.” That person will be your therapist.

    Like

    Jillian recently posted Short Post and a Song #7.

  109. “Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad.” author unknown

    but i’m convinced this is really from woody allen.

    Like

  110. A horse is a horse, of course, of course.

    Except when he loses a lot at the track.

    Then he’s Purina.

    Like

    hogsatemysister recently posted Zip It Good, Mr I.T. Help Desk Man.

  111. If you were to build a home out of hearts, it might freak out the neighbors.

    Like

  112. A smile is a white flag, not a weapon. That’s why men are always asking to see them from women. If it were in any way a weapon, men would be offended by female smiles, just as they are by kicks to the nuts.

    Not witty, I know… but I get irritated by both demands for a smile from total (and usually male) strangers, and by dubious Internet anonymous “wisdom.”

    Like

  113. “Any man can be a father. It takes someone special to be a dad. ” But the cheap-skate, two-timing loser who knocked me up is late with his child support payment again, so we’re just gonna call him Fuckweed, in case anyone was wondering.

    Like

    Becky recently posted Photo Finish.

  114. “Dance like no one is watching”. And if the police are watching, tell them you are researching a documentary.

    Like

  115. I’m a huge fan of the ever-popular, “Whatever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.” Or rather, it leaves us with tiny hidden fractures, making it quite easier to kill us in the future.

    Like

  116. “Judge not lest ye be judged”… The entire legal system is now fucked. Go steal a horse.

    “Never work with children or animals:”… Really? I say never work with PEOPLE. People are arseholes.

    “Once bitten, twice shy”… Unless you were bitten by a rabid bear. Then you are probably dead, not shy.

    Like

    Jelly recently posted The Ethics of Eating Meat.

  117. “The things that hurt us, teach us”. Teach us to say things like GOOD GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING SHIT THAT HURT.

    Like

    Rosalind recently posted Have been thinking of branching out into giant collars for fall.....

  118. “Kiss me and you will see stars; love me and I will give them to you.” Fuck me and I’ll give you the number to my doctor. He’ll get it all cleared up with some ointment.

    Like

  119. 119
    Rebecca Coffey

    “There is no I in team.” But there are two u’s in “Fuck you.”

    Like

  120. Oh my golly, I’m laughing so hard I’m crying! You are freaking hilarious.

    Like

  121. 121
    positivityrehab

    BwaHahahahahaaaa! Best antidote to the Positive Nazis I have ever come across! THANK YOU!

    Like

  122. You had me laughing so hard I had tears running down my face! Thanks for the laugh:) You are so gifted my friend:)

    Like

  123. Laughing so hard I cried. Thank you. My fave is the Poe quote.

    Like

    Monika recently posted Oxygen's "I'm Having Their Baby".

  124. A watched pot never boils….actually it does, as boiling water ALWAYS boils, unless the pot watcher was smoking pot and forgot to turn on the damn stove.
    Too many cooks spoil the broth…pretty sure the fact that it is broth makes it spoiled already. With so many cooks wouldn’t you think they could make something better? Like stew? Or cheesecake?
    Great post.

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted The Great Summer Adventure Series.

  125. You should make a “gift book” of all these revised quotes. Best obligatory birthday gift ever!

    Like

  126. “Don’t judge a book by its cover” unless it’s Jenny book because Hamlet Von Schnitzel is adorable.

    Finished the book in Mexico. Now reading it aloud to husband!!

    Like

    Mary recently posted Seven Daughters Rich Red Blend.

  127. This also works for those Dove inserts… we loved it around Valentine’s day…

    For example: “chocolate is your valentine”… because you’re too ugly to have a real valentine, you dog.

    I still haven’t figured out why Dove doesn’t print the whole message…

    Like

  128. Treat others how you would like to be treated….unless your a nympho. You might be looking at sexual harassment charges…just saying!

    Like

  129. “Happiness is an unexpected hug…” unless it’s from Copernicus.

    Like

    Kayla Carpenter recently posted Let's stop pretending Kermit's arms don't move by way of tiny poles, shall we?.

  130. I laughed out loud at you slipping in the missing laptop comment. Nicely done.

    Like

    alaina recently posted Date Up..

  131. “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Even while you’re in traction.

    Like

  132. “There is no I in team.” There is no I in meat, either.

    Like

  133. “Promise only what you can deliver and deliver only what they pay for.”

    Like

  134. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.” Unless it’s the third one.

    Like

  135. Wow. These are awesome. I can’t even pick a favorite. I love the way your mind works.

    Like

    Red recently posted The Big "C" - It's Not If, But When.

  136. @Kathy P,

    Better than the Heisenberg Uncertainty Keys. You can never know precisely where you left them.

    Like

    TechyDad recently posted The #DisneySMMoms Report: A Wild Time Trekking Through Africa, Part 1.

  137. “Whatever doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” Did you see the biceps on the guy in the wheel chair?

    Like

  138. 138
    Bonnie Jo

    A smile is a powerful weapon; you can even break ice with it. ” The same thing goes with an ice-pic but you can also murder people with it. I know which one I’d choose in a knife fight.

    Love this! My new favorite quote!

    Like

  139. “You can judge your age by the amount of pain you feel when you come in contact with a new idea.” If the idea is to stab yourself in the neck with a fork, Happy 1000th Birthday.

    Like

    Lee recently posted Dear Dad.

  140. Isn’t a horse’s “paid vacation” just a trip to the glue and/or dog food factory? Doesn’t sound too appealing to me. Unless they’re a race horse, of course (of course). In that case, they get sent to “stud”. Their owners get paid for the horse to impregnate lots of female horses in the hopes that the horse’s “run really fast” genes will be passed to his little horse kiddies. (This raises all sorts of uneasy questions about racehorse owners being horse pimps, but that’s another subject for another day.) On the other hand, if the race horse is retiring after a huge string of embarrassing losses, it might just be the glue factory for him again.

    The lesson here is that most horses need better retirement planning.

    Like

    TechyDad recently posted The #DisneySMMoms Report: A Wild Time Trekking Through Africa, Part 1.

  141. 141
    Warner Reynolds

    I got your book, LET’S PRETEND THIS NEVER HAPPENED, for a Father’s Day gift. Laughed out loud a lot, thank you for being you.

    Like

  142. You can PUT YOUR BIG GIRL PANTIES ON AND DEAL WITH IT only so many times. Then the elastic breaks… and you really show your butt.

    Like

  143. These are FUN!

    “A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.” Which is why oxycontin is in such high demand.

    “A man is known by the company he avoids.” Yes. He is known as a weird loner, or perhaps a leper.

    “Always imitate the behavior of the winners when you lose.” That way maybe someone will get confused about what team you were on and buy you a beer.

    “Discretion is the better part of valor.” But who the fuck knows what “valor” is anymore? It’s being a good friend to tell your girls just how lousy he was in bed, and “good friend” is a definition EVERYONE knows.

    “Good friends are hard to find, harder to leave, and impossible to forget.” Especially the ones who live in your head.

    Like

    Jaimie recently posted I am easily outwitted by vandalized Magic Eraser boxes and hip bathroom doors.

  144. “Don’t let yourself forget what it was like to be sixteen.” Let the torture live on in your mind forever.

    “An armed society is a polite society.” Just look at Detroit.

    Like

    Addie recently posted rant: if I’m annoyed, everyone is annoyed..

  145. 145
    juststuff3

    Great stuff!! And it’s hard to soar with the eagles when you work with a bunch of turkeys…

    Like

  146. 146
    DanielleD

    “There’s no I in team” but there is in Kill and Bitch as in “I will kill a bitch”.
    “When life gives you lemons make lemonade” but don’t forget to add some booze to make it taste better.

    Like

  147. Lee,

    I tried putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it, but then I realized I’m a guy and people started looking at me funny.

    Like

    TechyDad recently posted The #DisneySMMoms Report: A Wild Time Trekking Through Africa, Part 1.

  148. 148
    Jennifer Hart

    OMG, Rebecca’s Coffey’s comment sent me into a fit of gaffaws…”Two u’s in fuck you”…awesome!

    Like

  149. 149
    katherine

    Here’s one for you to play with “Why be Average when you can be Awesome”😀

    Like

  150. “Life is an echo, what you send out comes back”. This is why you should always close the toilet lid.

    Like

  151. 151
    Jerry Bauer

    “No pillow is so soft as God’s promise. ” Unless it’s God’s promise to start the apocalypse and send the four horsemen on your asses.
    —–
    Why would they be on my asses? They’ve got horses!

    Like

  152. 152
    Michael Weil

    “The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.” Or because he’s mastered the art of humping. Tails only last work so long and dogs know sex sells.

    “Nobody trips over mountains. Small pebbles cause the stumble. Pass the pebbles, and you’ll have crossed the mountain.” Paul Bunyan would disagree with you. That’s how we ended up with the Grand Canyon. And do you really want to disagree with Paul Bunyan? Let’s be smart about this.

    “I tell you I love you every day for fear that tomorrow isn’t another. ~ author unknown” Wait. “Author unknown”? Whoever wrote this is having a severe personality crisis.

    “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.” You know, I think there might just be some chemical reactions during sex, too. Happy Belated Father’s Day, genius. I’m sure you’ll be celebrating soon.

    Like

  153. I didn’t know boogers wer alive, now I’m afraid of my boogers, I don’t want to piss them off and then they kill me in my sleep!

    Like

  154. “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.”

    What does it say that I failed Chemistry but got an A in Physics?

    Like

  155. When life gives you lemons make lemonade… and then get arrested and shut down for selling it without a permit.

    Like

  156. “God never gives you more than you can handle.” Even if you die trying. Because then you “handled it” by kicking the bucket. Nice one, god.

    Like

    Barbara recently posted If I Wanted America to Fail.

  157. Okay okay, Jenny. Touche. Horses don’t care about tips. BUT – they DO sleep standing up. And that is enough discouragement for me to never have any desire to be a horse.😉

    Like

    Kristen Mae recently posted Serendipitous Dumpster Diving.

  158. “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.”
    Phhfft. One can accomplish a shit-ton more with an American Express Black Card.

    Like

  159. “When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.”” Because the only true mark of failure is a restraining order.

    Like

  160. You can’t tip horses……you can though, tip cows……

    Like

  161. 161
    CleverGirl

    “It raineth on the Just and the Unjust alike, but then the Unjust steals the Just’s umbrella.”
    Words to live by.

    Like

  162. “Don’t wait for people to be friendly, show them how.”
    With a pat on the back. Of the head.

    Like

  163. Hee HEEE!! I needed this laugh soooooo badly!

    Like

  164. “It is what it is…” Well, except when it isn’t. I mean, It is… what it is, I mean. What I really mean to say, is that I’M NOT FUCKING SAYING ANYTHING. It just is what it is… you know?

    Like

  165. your finishing quotes is fabulous, but – wait. “no one ever drowned in their sweat”??? what kind of a fu*king quote is that??? no wonder it was author unknown. we do not want to know the person who said this. it is not profound or smart. no one ever drowned in orange juice either.

    Like

    monica recently posted Are you smarter than a raccoon?.

  166. “A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” unless bird means penis in which case I beg to differ.

    Like

  167. Kande for the win!!! I’m dying!!!

    Like

  168. Truly funny! You inspired me to write a couple of my own

    “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”….unless it’s Polio

    “You’ve made your bed and now you have to lie in it”…but you were gonna have to lie in it even if you didn’t make it….unless you want to sleep on the floor…or the couch….

    Like

  169. Thank you so much for the “two u’s in Fuck You” Blew my rum and Diet Dr. Pepper out of my nose onto my unstolen laptop (sorry to be an asshole, Jenny)

    And my fave is from Ricky Gervais: What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger……What about polio?

    Like

  170. These are hilarious – LOVED how you managed to slip in the laptop reference.

    That which does not kill us makes us stronger – b/c it makes us so drink so much we can’t feel anything. And it was probably Hope, anyway, so she’ll be back.

    Like

    Jen recently posted College parties ain’t what they used to be.

  171. “Success is getting up one more time than you fall down.”

    But if you didn’t fall down that last time, what were you doing down there in the first place?

    Like

  172. I love these. The 2 u’s in Fuck you is my favorite.

    Like

    sarina recently posted Apparently they don’t teach reading comprehension..

  173. “An armed society is a polite society.” — Unless it’s the Zombie Apocalypse, then who gives a fuck.

    Like

    Brea recently posted I'm Still Alive....

  174. “There are many roads to hate, but envy is the shortest of them all”. If you drive a tank down that road, you’ll hit more tourists. Win!

    “Luck is a very good word if you put a P before it”. If you don’t, your fried chicken will taste like shit.

    “A conscience is like a baby. It has to go to sleep before you can”. And you shouldn’t shake it. Or light it on fire. People frown on that.

    “A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams”. A refrigerator box is built out of cardboard, and even that is sturdier than your invisible home.

    Like

  175. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” Which is totally not true, what doesn’t kill you can maim you for life.

    Like

    Robin recently posted Monday Quotes #8.

  176. You know, one of these days I’ll realize that reading your blog at work is a bad idea. The only thing worse than having dozens of Japanese transfer students look at you like you’re crazy for laughing is trying to explain a joke to them and having them look at you because you are crazy.

    Like

  177. Oh Jenny, what did I do before I met you?!

    Like

    Ashleigh recently posted 26 and Still Depressed?.

  178. “Opinions are like assholes; everybody has one.” I call mine “Eric.”

    Like

  179. “Pride is the only poison that is good for you when swallowed”…which means it isn’t a poison at all and this quite is irrelevant.

    Like

    Chooplah recently posted 7 Amazing Uses for Vodka.

  180. 180
    Kate from Iowa

    If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. I life gives you melons…well then you’re probably just dyslexic.

    Like

  181. Thanks for the laugh! These were great.

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted Disappointed.

  182. Have you seen this man who taxidermied his cat and turned it into a helicopter?
    My world sure is odd since I started reading your blog.

    Like

  183. Finally an outlet for all the stupid quotes on Pinterest! Neverending source for this thread. Let’s see, the first one that comes up. Second picture in! Shocking.

    “I don’t have time to hate people who hate me because I’m too busy loving people who love me.” I do however, have time to make up incoherent sentences that need to be re-read four times because I think you’re falling in love with your kidnapper.

    You’re awesome as usual, Ms. Bloggess.

    Like

  184. “Everything will be all right in the end. If it’s not all right, then it’s not the end.” If everything’s alright, your ass is about to die.

    Like

    Katie recently posted Sunday Stream of Consciousness.

  185. 185
    @StacieinAtlanta

    My favorite quote (the one I hate the most) is “it is what it is.” Well unless it isn’t, of course. I mean… No shit, Captain Obvious! Now I know why that one is anonymous.

    Like

  186. Someone had to say it, and since I’m an English professor: it’s Edgar *Allan* Poe. People spelling it Allen or Alan all his life is probably want made him write about blood and death and bloody death.

    Like

  187. 187
    A nony mouse

    When the rest of the team has failed, there’s Hope Solo with one more shot to stop.

    Like

  188. Brilliant!

    I always hated “Live each day as if it’s your last.” Which is bollocks, frankly. If everyone did that, there’d be way too many people swimming with dolphins and no one would go to work. It would be the apocalypse… Which, would actually would make it everyone’s last day… Hmmm.

    Like

    Jo and the Novelist recently posted It Must Have Been [Feelings of Crapulance] But It’s Over Now….

  189. Always remember to be happy, because you never know who’s falling in love with your smile.” Because it might be a serial killer and then at least you spent your last few minutes happy. No sense in worrying about Tuesday’s assignment if you’re about to be brutally murdered today.
    I need to cross stitch this as a sign to hang up in my house!

    Like

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Psst, Inspiration, where are you?.

  190. “The things that hurt teach us…to not forget the damn safe word!”

    Like

  191. “Find a nicer way to say that… Remember: you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” Although really, if the best advice you can get in the situation is to make either fly candy or fly salad, you should probably just shut your mouth and get out of there, because these people are fucking nuts.

    Like

    ML recently posted Toxins.

  192. I cannot decide which are my favorites. It is a tie between –

    When the world says, “Give up,”Hope whispers, “Try it one more time.” If it’s that ‘walking through a fire’ thing again Hope is trying to get you killed. She probably has an insurance policy out on you.

    and –

    “There are hundreds of languages in the world, but a smile speaks them all” Unless it’s lion language because they’ll think you just bared your teeth at them. And now you’re fatally mauled. Great communication there, asshole.

    Like

    Bridget McArthur recently posted Never Seconds Update.

  193. “There’s no ‘I’ in ‘team'”… But there are four in ‘platitude-quoting idiot’

    Like

  194. From a card I once gave someone:
    When life hands you lemons… Stick ’em in your bra. Can’t hurt, might help.

    That’s about as true as it gets.

    Like

  195. God never gives you more than you can handle. I see your comment, and I raise you with the holocaust.

    Like

    Vicky recently posted No Smoke Signals.

  196. “There’s always more fish in the sea”… and dangerous sharks, venomous jelly fish, clingy squids, and sea cucumbers. Yep, sea cucumbers… dumb as a brick and half as attractive.

    Like

  197. “Love is a matter of chemistry, but sex is a matter of physics.” – Thus explaining why my first boyfriend had a room full of ropes and pulleys and velvet handcuffs.

    “The happiest feeling ever is knowing that a person has all the opportunity to be anywhere in the world. But they choose to be with you” – That’s because you have their passport.

    Like

  198. Let a smile be your umbrella. If you don’t mind showing up looking like a drowned rat. If you want to show up looking good, it would be better to let an umbrella be your umbrella.

    Like

    Lisa Sinicki recently posted Sheep, Cheese and Envy.

  199. OMG, you people are just too freaking funny. What a HOOT!!!

    Like

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Vacationer makes life-saving rescues two days in a row.

  200. Life is a tragedy for those who feel, and a comedy for those who think. – Which is why we should all wear bubble wrap and laugh at ourselves.

    Like

    Mark Thorburn recently posted Are ye dancin’? The one you really couldn’t make up….

  201. “Pain is weakness leaving the body.” No, Marine Corps, pain is a human being leaving your body after the epidural didn’t work.

    Like

  202. I’ve always wondered about the phrase “When God closes a door, he opens a window.” But I’ll let Oats and Garfunkel take this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-gfxjAaZg0

    Like

  203. I feel like there’s an old-fashioned anti-depressant ad in here somewhere. “Life got you down? Try all new Platitudes!”*

    *Platitudes may cause an increase in blood sugar, cavities and irritability. Discuss these issues with your doctor before choosing Platitudes.

    Like

  204. Yay – looking forward to tonight!

    Like

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Mod Mom's Book Of Questionable Nursery Rhymes.

  205. There is no I in team – but there is me. (and tea, meat, ate, tame, and at, – who needs an I?)

    Like

    Lindsay recently posted Summer.

  206. “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” unless it leaves you in a full-body cast.

    Like

    deva recently posted Maybe I Should Stop Using Abbreviations.

  207. I’ve only made it through about 25% of the comments, but I need to leave soon. And a shower would be a good idea first, just as a courtesy to others. I did have to add one of my favorite inspirational sayings that I immediately addended (new word for ya, there):

    If friends were flowers, I’d pick you. i.e I’d KILL you. ‘Cause that’s what happens when you pick a flower – you kill it.

    I’m coming back later to finish reading all the comments. I wish I could “like” each comment.🙂

    Like

  208. 208
    Sunfreckles

    “Say this every day : Behind me is infinite power, before me is endless possibility, around me is boundless opportunity.” Below me is someone who just took an up-skirt camera shot that’s going to end up on the internet. Thank God I wore nice underwear.
    it happens: http://www.postandcourier.com/article/20120618/PC16/120619115

    Like

  209. I just laughed so hard iced coffee came out my nose (OUCH!) at least it wasn’t hot. However I had to admit I had to think about the horse and coachman comment. But I figured horses probably didn’t like being tipped, like cows, it’s not good for them. And when a coachman is tipped hes probably drunk and fell off his coach and it hurt. I don’t know, it all made sense to me anyway!

    Like

  210. The post was hilarious and the comments are just as funny!

    “Dear Past, thank you for all the lessons. Dear Future, I’m ready.” Says the Present: “Yeah, fuck you too. Now pay your damn bills.”

    Like

  211. Seriously so funny – I wish I had a clever comment to add but I’m intimidated by your hilarity

    Like

  212. “Excuses are like assholes because …” sometimes you REALLY need one!
    “You can pick your friends and you can pick your nose, but …” you can’t wipe your friends on the back of the couch.

    Like

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  213. Jenny, you’re hilarious! And these comments are amazing!

    Like

    Lacey recently posted Oh, I’d Smash Her Good!.

  214. I got cancer in 2009 (I’m ok) and missed about 7 weeks of work, but not all at once (so I couldn’t use short-term disability). So it was 3 weeks recovering from surgery, 2 months at work, 3 weeks doing radiation, back to work, and a day here and there for various dr. visits (don’t get cancer folks… they KILL you with those followups!)

    Aaaanyway, I was pretty stressed out… but I had no PTO saved to take a day off just to unwind. Oddly enough, being REALLY FREAKING SICK doesn’t work the same as chilling on a beach for a week.

    I complained to my boss about this, about being SO stressed out, and just needing some time off to collect myself. He said, “Well you know what they say kiddo. That which does not kill us….”

    I replied, “Uses all our PTO.”

    It works, somehow.

    Like

  215. 215
    Underwater Attack Cat

    “You stole my heart.” …but that’s okay because I have 7 more in the freezer at home.

    Like

  216. “It is amazing how much you can accomplish when it doesn’t matter who gets the credit.” – Some asshole who likes to take credit off of other people’s work without actually doing anything and is just looking for more suckers. Ass.

    -The End

    Like

  217. 217
    Steve the Fan

    “There is no I in team.” Other words that don’t contain I include aardvark, candelabrum, appendectomy, homeless and breakfast.

    Like

  218. the fact that I just saw this quote, “Our health always seems much more valuable after we lose it. ”, and read valuable as vulnerable at least 8 times suggests that I should get my health checked. Or my eyes. Or brain. All of which I feel are umbrella’d under health.

    Like

    erika recently posted Coffee With a Splash of Polygamy.

  219. You can only see as far as you think – unless your blind..or brain-dead, then you’re shit outta’ luck

    Life is life an hourglass: when you hit rock bottom, all you have to do is wait it out until someone comes along to turn it back around, just so you can hit rock bottom again, and again, and again…

    If opportunity doesn’t knock, build a door, or perhaps opportunity is at the neighbors, they have cookies.

    No one is the reason for your happiness except for yourself… and the inventor of the vibrator.

    Let your dreams become a reality, but be sure to bolt the doors and pull the blinds, because studies show most of our dreams are nightmares.

    If you cannot do great things, do many small things in a great way, because hey, midgets need love too

    Where there’s a will, there’s a way, especially if that will happens to belong to Warren Buffet

    In the end, we just regret the chances we didn’t take, unless it involves unprotected sex with hookers…or sharing needles…

    Like

    Kelcie recently posted What The...Mustache??.

  220. My horse told me to tell you that he gladly accepts tips. Acceptable tips after asking him to haul someone around the training ring are: Green grapes, carrots, a lovely salt block and a nice belly scratch. Also, he told me to tell you he does not need to go to college because he already knows how to open the latch on the gate in the training ring by himself and head back to his stall while you helplessly sit on his back. And he still expects a tip.

    Like

    Judy Hettena Wright recently posted Attracting Strays.

  221. This is the most perfect response to these! I’m jealous I didn’t think of them. Now, how do we get them attached to the originals so people stop making memes of them and crudding up my Pinterest feed?

    Like

    Katy recently posted Optimus Prime.

  222. Have I told you lately that you are awesome. Because you made ME giggle uncontrolably. (yeah, I know I spelled that wrong, but lif is to short to care about spelling. Especially Tori. I mean, she’s got a nice family and she can always make some more money doing another reality show. I better stop now…

    Like

  223. Ooooh, I hate statements like, “the last key opens the door” or”it’s always the last place you look” well of course it is, why the hell would I keep looking after I found it?!?

    Like

  224. 224
    Cheryl in Wisconsin

    I too knew the guy that was trying to get the beer out of the moving truck. Except we weren’t told what happened to him but it’s easy to put the pieces together with this new info.

    This has been my favorite post/way to postpone my work day so far. Inspirational quotes pop up everywhere and my reaction is has always been “quit telling me what to do”.

    Like

  225. 225
    John Costello

    “There’s no I in ‘team’.” “And there’s no U in ‘my team’.”
    “There’s no I in ‘team’.” “But there is ‘eat me’ if you’re willing to use an E twice.”

    Like

  226. Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock…… Seriously, if you’re the kind of person who keeps putting keys in after you opened the door already, you might as well lock yourself in. You haven’t mastered this skill yet.

    Like

  227. ” no one ever drowned in orange juice either.”

    Except for that horrible incident at the orange juice factory!!!

    Like

  228. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock. ”

    That’s just as stupid as “It’s always in the last place you look.” – no sh#t, Sherlock . . . who the hell finds their keys and then continues to look for them for an additional 20 minutes . . . just to be sure!?!?!??

    Like

  229. four horsemen of the apocalypse! Maybe God is bipolar – one day he’s all hugs and kisses handing out loaves of bread and fishes – the next he’s sending down brimstone and hailfire.

    Like

    Kim @ The Family Practice recently posted The Road From Zion.

  230. I’m getting divorced. How does everyone feel about that?

    Like

  231. Oh, and I can only balance 1 cat on my head at a time, but I’ve never gone for more…

    Like

  232. I’m pretty sure that unemployed horses all vacation at the glue factory:/

    Also, I think the “unknown author” is unknown so that I won’t track him/her down and simultaneously vomit and beat him/her to a bloody pulp for being so unbelievably ANNOYING!

    I now have a major case of the icks…..ick

    Like

  233. 233
    Holly (a.k.a. adoreprince)

    Maybe if I had the time to read all the comments I would find the answer to my question, or at least be distracted from it (pretty…shiny…). Sadly, I am way overburdened with work, and too much beer. (Makes promise right here to come back in future downtime to read FABULOUS comments.)
    I am, however, committed (at least) to reading your posts religiously. With that said, I made it as far as the unknown author quote — “No pillow is so soft as God’s promise.” Now I am so lost.

    Since when are we not supposed to use pillows? I’ve heard a lot of whack stuff attributed to God (that one about ‘hating fags’ stuff is Bullshit!), but this Pillow Revelation news to me. We’re supposed to use a promise instead? What the hell is that? Obviously not as comfortable as a real pillow. Why? Am I out of the loop because I don’t attend any sort of Sunday services? Is this some sort of conspiracy? You know, like the one that is being waged against Christmas.

    Like

  234. “Jesus died for your sins” – So if you don’t sin, he died for nothing. Now get out there and make that sacrifice count!

    Like

  235. Horses are employed until they’re not, then they become dog food.

    Like

  236. It’s “ball-peen hammer”?!?!?!?! WELL, SHITBALLS!!!!!!!!!!! I thought it was BALL-PING HAMMER!!!!! I’m a fucking IDIOT!!!!!!

    Like

    Carm recently posted Verizon Customer Service – and also my husband is probably a Saint or something….

  237. what about when the horse gets turned into glue? Then, the horse isn’t so happy, but still helpful I suppose

    Like

  238. Reading this, I realized everyone forgot one of my favorites-

    “Laughter is the best medicine” but when I’m off my pain meds it hurts to laugh (and breathe)

    Like

  239. 239
    Jennifer Lush

    “Dance like no one else can see you” Except if you are a stripper. Then this theory will make you poor.

    Like

  240. Regarding tips and horses. They don’t necessarily like tips. Heck, if you drop a coin on the ground, the big animal might kick you. However, they do like apples and carrots. And, well other stuff. Like horse food.

    Like

  241. “That which doesn’t kills us makes us stronger.” Except for knee-capping. And chronic fatigue syndrome. And hell, most other chronic pain/exhaustion diseases.

    “Close only counts in horse shoes.” And nuclear bombs. And hand grenades. And chemical weapons (including mace and pepper spray). So I think the adage should just be changed to, “Avoid being anywhere near the vicinity of weapons of mass destruction and/or protesters. It’s just a bad idea.”

    Like

    Sharon Wachsler recently posted REPRISE life w/lyme, mcs, cfids: a different kind of typical atypical.

  242. 242
    amgoodnight

    When life hands you lemons . . . cut them open like your about to make lemonade & throw them in the face of the obnoxious fuck that gave them to you. If you get the juice end in their eye, triple word score, bitch!

    P.S. Dana (#112) totally nailed it. Do not, DO NOT tell me to smile you arrogant fucking prick! I had a boss that told me to smile all the time. I smiled all right, I smiled every fucking time I called HR until the dick eventually got fired. Mwahahahaha!!!!!

    Like

  243. “Do not wait for your ship to come in – swim out to it”
    Or read the ferry timetables beforehand, smart-arse.

    Like

    Claire J recently posted Edinburgh: Taking Back the City.

  244. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Which is great, if you want a fish . . .

    Like

    Tara recently posted Habit, Habit, Habit.

  245. I can’t believe there’s a bunch of assholes out there ostracizing the illiterate.

    Like

  246. “Don’t be discouraged. It’s often the last key in the bunch that opens the lock.” Of course it is, because I am not going to keep trying keys after I’ve got it unlocked. Why the fuck would I do that?

    Like

  247. Re the update? I just assumed you were being next level clever and meant the coachman gets “tipped over”… like cow tipping. Its a thing. Seriously.

    Like

  248. Further to my last comment… by “thing” i meant “not a thing”. And by “seriously” I meant… erm… ahhh… hmmm.

    Like

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