How to tell if you’re a troll

in Random Crap

Lately on the internet there has been a lot of overuse of the word “troll” and I think it’s time we reexamine the definition.   Select what best represents your personality:

1.  You read something on the internet you disagree with.  How do you respond?

A. You close the browser before wasting any more of your time, saying to yourself, “What. An. Asshole.”

B.  You explain in the comment section why you think the author is an idiot.

C.  You didn’t actually read this far.  You just screamed “FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG” and muttered something unsavory about Persians.  You also probably can’t spell “Persians.”

D.  You don’t have access to the internet because you’re a fictional creature

 

2.  You see a movie created by someone:

A.  You admire the work it took to create something even if you didn’t personally love the end result.

B.  You spend 3 hours picking apart the plot, motives of the characters, and publicly point out all real or imagined plot-holes.

C.  You scream “LOOK OUT, BITCH!” as loud as you can through out the entire movie.  Then you and your friends loudly high-five each other.  The movie is Schindler’s List.

D.  You aren’t allowed to go to movies because you don’t own pants.

 

3.  You read a new book recommended by others but you don’t like it.

A.  You finish it and then keep it to remind yourself not to trust your stupid friends for book recommendations.

B.  You finish it and then give it a bad review online.

C.  You suspect someone is somehow trying to challenge you.  You organize a book burning.

D.  You don’t read but you appreciate the book burning because the nice glow helps you find the bridge you live under.

 

4.  Someone suggests eating people.

A.  You say nothing.  You leave and consider notifying the police.

B.  You say, “What the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard?” and then you leave and consider calling the police.

C.  You assume they’re hitting on you and go off on an anti-homosexual rant that ends with a threat to kill all the zebras at the zoo for some reason.

D.  You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

 

5.  You don’t like this blog:

A.  You never read this post because you don’t like this blog.

B.  You leave a comment explaining what you don’t like about this blog and then you go away.

C.  You leave baffling comments like “FUCK YOU AND YOUR DOG, FISHFACE” but you change your name so it seems like you’re more than one person.  You misspell almost every comment and you don’t understand IP addresses.  When I change your comment to “I wish I could be exactly like you in every way” you come back and say “WHAT?!  I NEVER SAID THAT, FISHFACE” and then I change that comment to “I wish I could wear your skin and be you” and then you get so mad you explode.  Then you leave so you can go leave racist comments on youtube.

D.  You’re taking a nap because you just ate too many goats.

Scoring…

If you answered mostly D’s:

You’re a troll.  Luckily, you are also mythological and don’t have the internet so it’s hard for you to get too upset about this.  Most people find you under bridges, hungry and ready to snack on them.

If you answered mostly C’s:

You’re a probably an asshole.  Or possibly you’re an angry teenager.  It’s occasionally hard to tell those apart.  Most people find you abrasive, obnoxious and vile, however you’re in luck because you can grow out of this phase, and even if you don’t there are lots of other assholes out there to share your time with you.

If you answered mostly B’s:

You’re a normal human being.  You are also the most likely of all of these groups to find yourself being mislabeled as a “troll”.  Sorry about that.  Feel free to have you own strong opinions, even if they are occasionally quite wrong.

If you answered mostly A’s:

You’re a compassionate human being or a compulsive liar.  You may not actually exist.  You are kind and considerate and if I was having a birthday party I would invite you to it.  Most people enjoy your company unless they are assholes or trolls.  Trolls just want to eat you.

 The end.

429 thoughts on “How to tell if you’re a troll”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. I feel special when I am called out for being a troll, especially when I still politely disagreed with their view. It means I clearly made a point that they can’t argue with.

  4. type A personality as diagnosed by The Bloggess.
    Is it wrong that I danced a little at the thought that I would be invited to your birthday party if it were to happen? yay! balloons, cake and Jenny! today, I am a happy girl…imagining birthday parties…where…I assume…there will be costumes of some sort.
    Thank you.

  7. 2 b – picking apart movie plot holes – is one of our favorite family activities. Although we don’t do it online, we do it at a family meal after the movie.

  8. I’m an A also…yeah…and I too want to come to your birthday party. I’m patiently awaiting my invite. In the mean time, I am having my own birthday party next weekend in the Chicago area. You are official invited. I’m turning 40….I am NOT amused.

  9. I don’t understand IP adresses but it ends there because I *do*own pants so I’m pretty sure I’m normal.

    Tell those teenagers to get off your lawn!!

  10. You bring new meaning to Type A personality (and thankfully, it’s not asshole). I’m especially fond of the folks who are delighted to bash blogs and books without having the balls to go by anything other than Anonymous. Talk about an asshole.

  11. FUCK YOU, DOUCHEBAG! You’re mother’s a perzhan whore. And fuck your dog, too. Your precious duck you had back when you were a whiny baby pants? It wasn’t eaten by homeless people, it was eaten by TROLL! So again I say FUCK YOU YOU PERZHAN-LICKING BITCH!

  16. Are there Unicorns at the birthday parties? Because if so, I’m in. I may even bring ponies.

  18. Well.. I’m not fond of wearing pants, so I guess Schindler’s list is out.

    Sorry what were we talking about again?

  19. I had all A’s, but it’s less because I am a nice person and more because I am scared of the internet. I would like to come to your birthday party though. I like chocolate cake.

  20. Oh man I need some people-eating sweats. I may just go BUY a pair of sweatpants, and have “People-eating sweats” embroidered on the ass. You know- like “JUICY” but vaguely threatening.

  21. I did fine until we got to the question about giving books bad reviews and then I kinda bombed. But those books had it coming.

  22. I’m glad someone finally cleared this up with a good old fashioned Cosmo-style quiz. I’ve been wondering since the seventh grade if I was an asshole. Affirmation helps.

  23. Can I politely point out the plot hole in your quiz? First the troll can’t go to the movies because he doesn’t own pants, but then he has sweats to eat people? Perhaps he just likes to save them for special occasions?

    (YOU POINTED OUT AN OBVIOUS TRUTH. TROLL! ~ Jenny)

  25. I got mostly A’s, which means I’m awesomely nice or I’m a doormat that everyone just stomps on. Hm.

    Doesn’t matter. Either one is better than living under a bridge any day. Poor trolls…

  26. As a guy who writes three separate columns for a genre where every brainless invertebrate has a misguided opinion / axe to grind, I learned early on never to read the comments on my articles. I believe that the instant someone is anonymous on the Internet their IQ drops 40 points.

  27. Hey, I’m a normal human being, who knew?

    Still not sure if being ‘normal’ is a good thing. Eh.

  28. I don’t know whether or not I should be insulted by the fact that Jenny says I am a normal human being.

  30. Thank you! Most of the people mislabeled as trolls are actually really opinionated people who are just messing with you, or giant asshats. Either way, making rude comments anonymously is cowardly and lame.
    Loved the quiz 🙂

  32. I want to wear your skin and be you, but only if I can use your giant labia as a lap blanket.

  33. I’m conflicted as I answered with A’s & B’s. Does this mean I’m likely to be called a compassionate but compulsively lying troll who will get eaten by a fictional character? So confused.

    I blame it all on this blog post that I just wrote, about you. What are the odds?

  34. A’s and B’s (which describes most of my academic life). I’d love to be invited to a party – as a matter of fact I’ll promise to take you to tea (or the bar) the next time I visit Texas. Its the least I can do for someone who literally can make my day better half a continent away…

  35. NON-CONFRONTATIONAL….this whole post has made me nauseous…

  36. Mostly A’s could also be indicative of your being a non-confrontational weenie.

    No naming any names. *cough*me*cough*

    But that doesn’t mean I’m not THINKING a lovely combination of the actions of B and D. Don’t judge.

  37. I’d love to come to your birthday party. Especially if there are unicorns there. Unicorns are fucking delicious. Even better than people.

  38. Type A – and I only exist in my own imagination, I think. And if there is a birthday party I want an invite and I’ll be sure to bring my flying pig – Ambrosia, but only if there are unicorns and ponies. I don’t want her to feel out of place and develop a complex of some sort.

  40. saying: “what the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard”just means you’re from jersey. many trolls in jersey. and they’re exceptionally tan.

  41. “and you don’t understand IP addresses” … that is so true.
    We actually have a word doc that collects some of the most abusive troll comments so we can have a laugh, and it’s always from the same person, same IP, different names.
    Must try the change-their-comment tactic ….
    the “No, I want your ugly mutt babies to die” would become
    “Yes, I want to have unicorn babies with you”
    Already laughing at their reaction to that.

  43. I’m an A-type person. Not because I’m a push-over, but because I appreciate (nearly) everyone’s journey up to the point where they are now. It’s my personal belief.
    Thanks for the invite to the Birthday party. Should I bring chocolate cake?

  44. Yay! I’m type A. I do see the difference between disagreeing and being an arsehole, but get upset when others don’t. Can you have a virtual birthday party so I can attend from England? 🙂

  46. Thank you for finally answering this question for me and sparing me more sleepless nights while I wrestle with this question, AM I A TROLL! Now I can die happy…..
    🙂

  47. I’m a “Barely B” which used to be a bra size designed by people WHO ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT WOMEN, but that I can’t find anywhere in stores and now suffer from ill-fitting bras.

  48. I really do wish I could wear your skin and be you, but then I would first have to find a wearer of my present skin, which is, sadly, not as in-demand as I would hope. That’s life for you.

  49. I’m not a troll! Or an arsehole! Ha ha!! Jenny says so.

    Some of the funniest comments ever. Not mine obviously, the earlier ones!

  50. I don’t think I’ve learned whether or not I’m a troll. But I do think this confirms I have multiple personality disorder. I don’t know if that’s better or worse than being a troll, though.

    Also, I love birthday parties!

  51. Well I’m all A’s, except the one about eating people. I’d probably call someone out on that. Because, well…. sometimes people need a little jolt to remind them of what is okay. And people eating is almost never okay.

  52. Okay so I am not a troll good to know. Thank you for the clarification since I keep getting told I am a troll, and I was starting to worry about my diet plan and housing situation.

    Of course I am not an asshole or a teenager either, so that takes care of the other concerns I had from the zombies that keep telling me I am an asshole for not letting them eat my brains. Maybe I should introduce them to the trolls. What’s the bridge again?

  53. I’m type B though usually my comments don’t actually make it onto the Internet. I just complain a lot in my head ????

  54. What if you intentionally say things as if you are perfectly serious that you know will get your nerdy friends in an uproariously hilarious argument because they are big nerds?

    I am often called a troll for this.

    I don’t mind though, because it’s hilarious.

  58. So excited to be invited to your birthday party but considering your previous questions I am a little worried about the menu. Love your post, love your personality, don’t EVER let those trolls win!

  59. I’ll be expecting an invitation whenever you have a birthday party. All A’s except for that book thing. I will NOT finish a lame book. There are way too many good books in my queue.

    Hardest part of celebrity has got to be the haters. That’s why I stay fat and live under a rock. Oh great, I might be a troll.

  61. And this is why I tend to go with Question 1, choice A most of the time. :)…then I go write something scathing in my journal. Mwahahahaha. Does that make me a closet troll?

    Love you, Bloggess.

  62. I loved this. AND I love goat cheese. AND once I got to see the troll that lives under the bridge in Seattle. And survived!

  63. I answered mostly As and Bs, but my hair is neon green and only grows straight up from my head and my belly button is a jewel. Also, I live on a desk in a cubicle near the poster of a kitten that says “Hang in there, Friday’s coming.”

  65. Haven’t been a part of this big troll discussion, but I recently ate some goat cheese? *Commence identity crisis*

  66. OK, only sort of OT, but have you seen the movie Trollhunter? Streaming on Netflix. I think it’s the best movie ever…but relatives have gone out of their way to point out that liking this movie is a prime exemplar of how really weird I am.

    PS> This is going to autolink to my blog post, and I feel I should warn everyone that my blog is only occasionally funny, but specifically not funny on every other Wednesday. This is one of the Wednesdays when I write about policy stuff. (If you go looking for yuks, don’t blame me.)

  67. I’m kind of an asshole and a troll. I don’t really exist and I’m kind of pissed about it.

  68. Fuck alla y’all, you two-bit, crazy cat loving, sheepherders of ants. I like to get high as a giraffe’s ass. I am from Purrjia and I’ma just go to another compewter in my office and change my name and my other comment is gonna say: I LOVE YOU JENNY (in my chubby, irritating kid from Shrek 3 voice who says I love you, daddy!) but then SHIT someone told me all the I-S-Pees from here are the same and I’m probably found out so shitinashoe that pisses me off and also too fuck alla y’all, yoon e’en know me, son. Cotton candy in hair is hard to get out and washing clothes in cold water doesn’t get out blood. This is all your imagination, you trolly fucking doucebags.

  71. I’m not a troll, but I do enjoy a little FB stalking now and again. Is that wrong?

    (If Facebook stalking is wrong i don’t want to be right. ~ Jenny)

  72. My hair is pink and people keeping stroking it for luck. I think this means I might be a troll, too. Either that or I have a lot of sexual harassment claims to file.

  75. I’m all A’s!!! YAY! Anxiously awaiting my invite to the Unicorn-rainbow birthday party! I’ll even bring my metal chicken….Lindsay Lohan. She’s dying to meet Beyonce so they can become best good friends. Also I love cake….lots of cake…cake …..cakey cake….caaakkkkkeeee….
    Oh, sorry, got lost in my cake fantasy. I do exist, sometimes by the way and waver between compulsively lying and being a compassionate human being – it’s fun.

  76. According to SyFy trolls are giant slobbering creatures that enjoy goats and people as tasty snacks. Then again, SyFy forgot how to spell its own name correctly, so that’s probably wrong anyway.

    I don’t know which one I am…it depends on the day. Pants, though…those suckers are generally optional in my world.

  77. I’m glad to know I’m not a troll. I answered mostly As and I loved the whole “You may not actually exist…” But we do! Nice people are real we’re just hermits that hide out at home with their two kids, two dogs and pregnant cat while the husband goes to work for the Army and puts his boots on after tying up his pants. 🙂 BTW I really wish I had people eating pants.

  78. When you get to be this popular, do you actually read the comments above??? I got bogged down after the first thirty…But let me say, your post is hilarious, which is why I try to catch it, even if you are famous.

    (I read every comment. I’m a narcissist that way. ~Jenny)

  79. Hil-freaking-larious. The C answers were the best (2C and 4C were lolzy). It’s ok Jenny, mostly A people exist. We’re out there, we just stay quiet while the assholes make loud comments and fart out their mouths, which is why we’re considered endangered, like those rare tree frogs or whatever that they found in the jungle and were like: holy shit, they still exist!!!

    FYI, I like chocolate or ice cream cake, helium balloons, and stripers. 2 outta three and I’ll fly down to Texas for your birthday.

    -The End

  81. Wait…where did the troll get the sweat pants for eating people? I thought they don’t wear pants or is this a new thing?

  82. WOO! I’m not a Troll!! I’m just your average, run-of-the-mill normal semi-asshole. Awesome.

  83. This is an awesome post and I think troll awareness is very, very important. Frankly they terrify the hell out of me; they’re almost as bad as zombies.

  84. Will you give me a note that tells people I’m normal please? Most people don’t believe me when I tell them that (or they just laugh a lot if they know me well).

  85. Do you give out goodie-bags at your birthday party? And if so, do they include dead animals dressed as people from the Harry Potter Movies? If so, I am totally in. I enjoy chocolate cake and mixed drinks. At your party will we be picking apart movies?- because that would be awesome. Maybe the theme of the party could be- Come dressed as your favorite troll. You sooo need to throw a party- a troll party- it could be under a bridge, down by a river. FAbulous!

  86. I am a troll. I live under an overpass (over an underpass?). I am deeply offended by the notion that I live under a bridge. And for that I shall launch into a tirade of racial slurs, cursing, and I might start typing random things from a cookbook.

    It’s very hard to leech wifi under this overpa….

  91. Goddamn it, here I was thinking I’m a troll and now I find out I’m only a “normal human being.” Thanks for ruining my dreams, Jenny. Ugh, what do I even live for now, elastic-waisted pants? Jesus.

  92. Generally, I am called a prude… troll may be an upgrade! This was awesome… now off to go eat some people. Heard they taste like chicken from the person down the street that only comes out at night!

  94. All but one of my answers were A, AND, I’m a pastry chef. Just throwing that out there…

  95. I’m a compassionate compulsive liar. Sometimes I feel like I don’t actually exist, or maybe I do , I don’t know I’m confused by the whole existing thing anyway. Trolls want to eat me so I should stay away from bridges. When’s the Birthday party?

  96. Hmm…. I’m normal, but not sure how I should take that, coming from you. Baffled, really. And sad now that I’m not an A and therefore not invited to your birthday party.

  98. Hmmmm….I’m mostly B and A.

    B/A….does that translate to badass? Because I totally kick some troll ass. They don’t even charge me to cross their bridges anymore. *mutters something about tabbies because I cant spell pershuns*

  99. Finally get wifi, this first post me see?
    Sick of get vilified, angry people angry for me.
    Pant no fit good, rock break pants.
    Me no want goat, me want slab.
    Troll have feeling too.

  100. Ummm…I’m sorry to trouble you, but I need another category since I’m kinda chronically confused by your questions at this point. Thank you!

  103. How do you even HAVE birthday parties? There’s always someone who’s allergic to nuts, 2 vegans who fly into a rages upon smelling the neighbor’s bbq, 3with Fox News Rage Syndrome, 4diabetics, 5 recovering alcoholics–wait, this is turning into the Twelve Days of an Awful Party. Which is why I refuse to have friends.

    I don’t like parties anyway, so don’t invite me.

  104. I am doing the happy dance around my office….I’M NORMAL! I’M NORMAL! I’M NORMAL! But wait…I am sad…you’re not inviting me to your birthday???

  105. I’m compassionate with a smattering of strong opinions. When pieces of my new house are falling off, my kids are atrocious, and I have no time for myself, my opinions tend to get a little stronger. I’m generally empathetic, though.

  106. I think “Someone suggests eating people” needs some context. I mean, are we talking eat people just for fun, or like stranded-on-Everest-and-Bob’s-dead-anyways type eating people?

    Shit, I guess I’m a B.

  107. You can come to my birthday party, Bloggess. Maybe we’ll have circus monkeys. But we almost certainly won’t have clowns. Or trolls.

  109. I would love give this quiz to my in-laws to confirm my suspicions. I already spell in-law this way: t-r-o-l-l.

  111. My husband wears a kilt. does that automatically make him a pantsless troll? It could explain why he tries to cover the horns on his head with increasing array of new hair styles.

  112. “You misspell almost every comment and you don’t understand IP addresses.” – YES. Anyone who has had to moderate ANYTHING on the net, including a comments thread about your latest lemon poppy seed cake recipe, has dealt with these idiots. GO LOOK UP “SOCK PUPPET” MORONS.

  113. So, I got pretty much all A’s except for this one…

    4. Someone suggests eating people.

    A. You say nothing. You leave and consider notifying the police.

    B. You say, “What the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard?” and then you leave and consider calling the police.

    C. You assume they’re hitting on you and go off on an anti-homosexual rant that ends with a threat to kill all the zebras at the zoo for some reason.

    D. You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

    I got a D on that one… Because I’m a zombie mama. I love to bite my kids all the time. I tell them they’re juicy. They have even begun saying they’re Zombie Children and have changed a sweet church song “Jesus wants me for a Sunbeam” to “Jesus wants me for a zombie” The words include, “In every way try to eat them, at home, at school, at play.”

    If the zombie apocalypse ever happens, my kids will be good and ready!

  117. Apparently I get to come to your birthday party! Yay me!

    (Although – I was with Angela as I did notice the sweats/pants conundrum. So maybe I have a bit of C in me sometimes. ;-))

  119. 1. You read something on the internet you disagree with. How do you respond?

    E. You scan the post for grammatical errors and accuse to the author of being a Nazi for incorrectly using “you’re” instead of “your”

  120. Oh great – it’s true. I am an asshole AND a troll.

    Should I add this information on my resume? Because I think these are qualities companies are looking for.

  121. GREAT quiz. It’s hard to disagree with people online without sounding like an asshole or being called a troll, even if you just try to further a discussion and don’t even strongly disagree. Therefore, I appreciate you clarifying that I only fall into the troll category because of eating people and being a mythical figure and NOT because I have ever disagreed with someone in print.

  122. Personally, I would like to ride my unicorn that I earned from the Unicorn Success Club to your birthday party. But only if Wil Wheaton is also planning to attend, because men collating paper? Biggest turn on EVER!

  123. I laughed out loud at work. You are totally worth typing out what LOL stands for. How troll-y would I be if I said I really thought that trolls wear pants (and vests for that matter, but definitely not shirts)? http://bit.ly/LsB1Ld

  124. You kill me, lady. 😀
    As well as being mythological, trolls probably don’t have the prehensile fingers able to use a keyboard properly. Which explains why their spelling is so bad and posts so incomprehensible: they’re basically banging the key with their fists.

  127. I think I may not actually exist! Woot! This is timely, after an alteration on my blog’s FB page yesterday. And you are right – people are entitled to their opinions – but they can do that in a way that reflects grace, respect and understanding to others. Difference of opinions is not wrong. Being an A-hole is. Also? Thanks for the laughs. As always. 🙂

  130. I answered mostly A’s, but i would call out someone who wanted to eat people. And I would call the police unless it was a Dexter type situation, some people deserve to be eaten. Also I didn’t answer question number 5 because I love this blog so I was stumped.
    Your birthday party this year is going to be awesome! I hope you have extra bathrooms for all of us anxiety ridden fans to hang out in after we brave coming and then panic immediately upon arrival.

  131. Oh this whole dyslexic thing is RUBBISH, I thought you paid a Troll when you went over a Bridge!

    Oh, maybe you do, or was it goats who thought the grass was greener on the other side, when quite obviously it wasn’t, it was more to do with the weather and sunlight and being a moral for being a whinging ungratefull Arsehole, who should appreciate what you have rather than wishing for something different…….

    I wish I had a T roll……….. I’ve just been to the Toilet and my Wife used the last of the paper and now she’s got out and I am stuck here with faeces, and I don’t know whether to walk down the stairs, with my trousers down, in a stoop to stop the pooh spreading or just accept the additional washing and stand up, pull up pants, and try and look normal as I go and get another roll then walk back up the stairs, lock the door and “freshen up!

    Anyway, this is so totally random now that everyone will know that really I put stuff about wanting you to Die in a Zombie related Rackon skinning contest and you just changed it, ’cause you can, to make me look weird.

  132. See, MY answer to number 4 would probably include something about Florida and bath salts…too soon?

  133. you need to watch this video!

    Thank You Hater! – by Clever Pie and Isabel Fay

  134. So, my understanding of a[n internet] troll has always been this:

    Internet Troll (?int?r?net tr?l):
    A certain breed of asshole: one who leaves intentionally inflammatory comments usually containing widely discredited “facts” and/or claims in order to be additionally inflammatory. Not solely a mean, negative person (see: generalized asshole disorder).

    Internet trolls, bridge trolls, and assholes are not mutually exclusive.

  135. I have to say I disagree with your definition of troll to only include the most extreme assholes. To me, people that seem to read a blog or join a facebook group, etc. seemingly for the sole purpose of constantly disagreeing with the opinions posted is a troll. For instance, if I didn’t breastfeed, but follow the La Leche blog just so every time they post I can leave a comment about how I was formula fed and my kids were formula fed, and we all turned out all right, even if my posts aren’t attacking or nasty, I still would consider that being a troll. If you KNOWINGLY subscribe to information so that you can give your dissenting opinion…you are a troll….go find something better to do with your time. There are plenty of other blogs to read on the world wide web…go find one that agrees with your opinions instead. JMO.

  139. I love tests! I usually fail them but not this one, so I love it a LOT! I am mostly A but I don’t know if it means I’m “kind and considerate”. I think it’s that I just don’t give a shit about most things.

    I do exist (after a fashion) but I don’t get all worked up about that either. However, I did get one D but not because I eat goats. I think it’s because I drank too much Merlot last night.

    Great post… I’m going back to bed.

  140. You said fuckity fuck. I love you even more now. P.S. My brother directed me to today’s blog as I hadn’t read it yet and just said “2C”. Not knowing there was going to be a multiple choice quiz I was pumped to get to 2C. Then I lost my damn mind. In my office. Out loud. Because THAT is my humor. I’m also the jerk that uses “Helen Keller” “Festering Wounds” and “Adolf Hitler” as trump cards in Apples to Apples for words like “compassionate” “fluffy” and “revolutionary”. Jenny – I’m so glad that you get it. (P.S. My brother and I are the loons from Maine that came to see you at your signing in Boston and brought you a whoopie pie – we had a fantastic time and I wanted to thank you again for being so awesome. I did feel bad for you by the time we got to you though – you were smiling so much your face must’ve hurt so bad. I almost suggested that we all frown in the picture just to give you a break. It would’ve been amazingly hilarious as my profile picture on facebook. NEXT TIME!)

  141. I found the last question difficult. I find it hard to believe anyone doesn’t like this blog. Maybe they secretly love it, but are so desperate for attention that they say hurtful things?

  142. wasn’t there a troll with a riddle in Monty Python, Holy Grail….
    What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?
    African or European?
    What?! I don’t knoWWWW!!!!! (as he blows up.)
    I’m sure it loses something in the translation but I got all A’s and one B so…..

  143. Can we skip the quiz and just go to the part where you invite me to your birthday party and we eat chocolate cake with chocolate frosting in your bathroom? At least six feet away from the SIX FEET WIDE FECAL MIST DANGER ZONE?

  144. Ok, I’m a “normal” human being in all respects except the pants thing, which evidently makes me a troll. When did pants ownership become such a big deal? And if I do cave to societal pressure and purchase pants, must I now also wear underwear and matching socks? So much for being unique!

  146. Body for wife – I totally agree with you. I don’t think I would read any comments on something I had posted. Infact, I think that’s the main reason I don’t publish my blog (& because it’s crap – but that’s just between us..). People who just post insults don’t bother me as much as those who pick holes in spelling or grammer…. I once had a completely sleepless night over a bitchy comment about my spelling on a comment I had posted. I know I am stupid, I don’t need someone to point it out on a blog I read for entertainment.

  148. Eagerly awaiting my invite to your Birthday party. Please remember I live in Texas and it gets super hot around 4:30 am. (I’ll still be by the mailbox though)

  150. So happy to be a type A and even more happy that I am not an asshole OR a troll. Compulsive liar, maybe a little – but it still beats troll.

  153. I answered everyone with an A. I consider myself more socially inept then a fictional character though.

  154. I am glad I do not have asshole status… oh and truly, I want to be like you in every single way, except I don’t mean this in a crazy stalkerish way… at least I hope I am not a crazy stalker person. I could be one and just no one has ever told me.

  155. It is quite overused and people do seem to link asshole with troll. Strange. But seriously… effing Persians. Bunch O’ Cunts. 😉

  156. How could one not like you? You’re so likable. You’re as likable as a pair of people eating fat pants. I, for one, treasure my people eating fat pants. As I do you. <3

  158. I get to go to Jenny’s Birthday Party!!!!! or I’m a compulsive liar … Ok, so with 3 A’s and 2 B’s I might just be a slightly above normal person, but I’m going to pretend that I get to go to the party!

    WOOOOOOO!!!!! PAR-TAYYYYYYY!!!!!!

  159. Type A here, but I put my fat girl pants on every night after work.
    You should really let us know what you would like for your birthday! 😉

  160. “Jenny rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again”-is what I would say to you if I had you trapped in a hole after kidnapping you cause you are the fucking greatest writer EVER and I want to create a body wrap from your skin which is kinda like taxidermy but I suck at sewing so I am just going to continue to stalk you via the web and also because I am too lazy to drive 5 hours to the area you live in and wait on the side of the road until I might happen to see you drive by! Wow, writing run on sentences that make sense is REALLY hard-See you are the fucking greatest! Wait I just read the above post. I am type A. 😉

  161. I have this mental image of People-Eating Sweats that are like Man-Eating Sharks. They lurk in the corners of laundry baskets waiting for that time when we’re too tired, distracted or drunk to notice they’re not normal pants. Then, when you least expect it, you put them on and *chomp!* No more you. Tagline for the upcoming SyFy movie, of course, would be “Just when you thought it was safe to go into the laundry room.”

  162. Holy shitfire… I’m an Asshole!!!! I guess I have gone through denial for many years and it is time to move into acceptance. You are much cheaper than therapy. Thanks……

  163. Wait, wait, wait … don’t trolls ask riddles before they eat you? I’m either feeling confused or ripped off.

  164. I am an A. So this birthday party, when is it? What do I wear? Do I bring a gift or is my presence gift enough? Do you have a pool so I know if I should bring my suit? How do I RSVP? This is invitation is severely lacking in details.

  165. Huh. My instinctive answer to the title of this post was “Do I regenerate hit points? Am I only killed by fire or acid?” #D&DNerd

  166. type A could also be a lurker. a fictional lurker, yes, but a lurker still. it’s not that i don’t exist to troll…it’s that i like the unstated feeling of superiority that lurking gives me. ’cause that’s how i troll.

  167. I’m crushed; you didn’t have a “gee, that was soooo nice!” answer category so I could continue on as Pollyanna!

    Bummer, dudette.

  168. I am a little bit A and a little bit B. Which makes me partially real and partially misunderstood. I’ll take it!

  169. Dang, all these people done trolled you before me. I guess all that’s really left to stab at you trollingly with is… uh…. oh I got it!!

    The German Princess looks better in curlers.

    BAM! EAT IT BLOGGESS. WHAT?!

    No, it’s not true. I can’t even lie. Also, you should get tiny barbie curlers for Jaunita. Just a thought.

  170. I’m from Miami where it’s common practice for people to eat people AND where fishface is considered a delicacy. Is my invite to the party now guaranteed?

  171. The thing is, when people are asked to examine themselves in this way, a lot of them would put mostly A’s and then be proud of how well-adjusted they are even if they would behave differently in reality. To quote an old Non-Sequitur cartoon that I have taped on my fridge, “That’s the problem with stupid people; No one thinks that they’re one of them.”

    For example, I answered all A’s, but here I am…bitching in the comments section. Case closed.

  172. For the most part I was A’s and B’s. except for 1 and 2 which were D’s. And if I’m grouchy it’s because I haven’t been to the movies since 1972.

  175. Mostly an A here, although I turn into a B online sometimes because of all the Cs out there. (This kinda feels like I’m using letters to substitute swear words, which rather amuses me.) I’ve learned to avoid certain forii (word I made up to cover the plural of forum) where Cs love to run rampant. I also learned to avoid bridges since my little sister was eaten by a D.

  176. Maybe the people-eating sweats are more like chaps – which would make them unsuitable for movie theaters. because pants need bottoms. Ergo, troll.

  177. Crap! I let my hyperlexic 4-year-old read this before naptime. In my defense, her exact question was “Can I read ‘Billy Goats Gruff’ on your iPad?” and I figured that would give me 5-10 minutes to turn the limoncello bottles. Oh well, at least it wasn’t “50 Shades of Grey.”

  180. I was mostly A’s too… but I can be a compulsive liar, so I’m probably more of an A-B…. somewhere in between. 🙂 Jenny, you’re amazing. I can’t WAIT to read your book… no I haven’t gotten it yet… I’m poor.. I’ll have it soon. Thanks for the giggles!

  182. Since you have been so gracious to invite me to your party, I will bring cupcakes. What do you think about almond cake with cherry jam centers? But if I come up missing during the party, it will probably be because I am playing with Juanita and the soul-less dolls in the bird cage.

  185. speaking of birthdays, I asked for your book for mine, but no one bought it for me, so I bought it for myself and I’m glad I did because it’s awesome. People look at me funny when I tell them about it though…

  186. Diana #157 I almost but a gut laughing out loud at your comment. I think that I’ll steall that from you and use it as my new motto!

    I’m an A. I don’t usually comment on much online except here because people in here are AWESOME! Going online and reading news stories and then reading the comments is one of my worst habits. I cannot stand the people that comment on things 15 times to reiterate their most ignorant points. But hey, everyone has their own opinion and are entitled to it.

  187. I guess I’m walking a fine line. Some days I wish I were a bit more of an asshole; and other days, I wish I lived under a bridge! But I always enjoy a quiz that I grade myself.

  188. Ok, so when is your party? Have you settled on a theme yet? I’m thinking a troll one would be fun. I’ve already found a bunch games that will fit like, “Tee Off the Troll” – put troll stickers all over a baseball tee and take a swing at the wiffle ball off the tee then spray paint lines on the yard with a point value depending on where the ball landed. “Basketball Troll Toss” line up troll dolls at the foul line and shoot foul shots from behind the trolls. Try to make the shot without stepping on or kicking over the troll dolls. I’ve found many, many more games to play but don’t want to ruin the surprise.

  190. You are by far the funniest person I’ve come across on the internet in a while. Keep at it!!!!!

  191. I got A’s mainly because I consider everyone else to be too stupid to understand the brilliance of my comments. So why bother? And I would never go to any of your birthday parties either, unless, of course you had lots and lots of booze (and wine doesn’t count – it give me migraines).

  192. I’m feeling left out; no one’s ever considered me a troll. That I know of, anyway. I suppose they *could* consider me that, but they haven’t called me out.

  193. Jenny, I’ve needed to thank you about a million times. You’ve made me feel better on a lot of bad days and brought out huge belly laughs that made good days better. You and your words make me (and millions of others people) happy and feel better about being who we are. But I really have to thank you today. Because I have a troll who sadly is the asshole kind and not the mythical kind with the 3 goats and the bridge. And my troll is really, really bothering me and making me feel like a shit sandwich. I know that I’m weak and thin-skinned and that I’m letting the terrorists win and all, but it’s just… I just don’t get it. Why? WHY would you choose to spend your time doing something so yucky to someone else? IT’S INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE.

    So thank you. Because your post just made me feel so much better. A big and sincere thank you for posting this at the exact right moment. I remain your adoring minion,
    -LBC

  194. All of # 4 has me laughing so hard, I can’t continue to the scoring part. Thanks for making my day.

  196. 1 E – I shake my head in disgust. “I must have been really drunk when I wrote that.”

    2 E – “They have a security cam covering their pool? Well, I guess I need to piss somewhere else when walking home from the pub.”

    3 E – “I don’t care if it’s the new edition of the Yellow Pages… it’s got all the same phone numbers as last year.”

    4 E – “Yeah, I’m running out of room for more bodies in the back yard. Pass me a knife and the A1 sauce. Hey, what wine goes with Jerk I Just Killed For Being A Jerkface?”

    5 E – Because no matter how many layers of tinfoil I wear on my head, your mind-reading satellite manages to steal my thoughts and post them here.

    -ls

  197. Ha! I guess I’m a B. Sometimes I’m an A, but I’m never a C, so I guess it’s all good. So glad that we now have a system for ranking the severity of insults / swear words: The Bloggess Test. *AND* I know where I rank. 🙂

  199. Wow. I’m considered normal? That frightens me. And possibly my husband as well.

    But I like the other option that most people are just assholes, I’ll go with that one because I have to agree with you. Most other people ARE assholes.

    I did want to go with B for the eating people question but I decided nah, I yell enough at my kids, I don’t need to yell at anyone else.

    Oh and I so want to come to your birthday party. I’ll bring the Jamesons.

  200. I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FORCED ME TO READ THIS WHOLE POST YOU SOCIALIST FASCIST!!1!

    (AND FISHYFACE <3)

  201. You forgot the option for:

    “E. Agrees with you, but decides it’s fun to get everyone riled up so they post something inflammatory in order to get attention.”

    That would be a troll.

  203. I opt for “compulsive liar”.

    I love everything you do and NEVER have any problems with your posts.

    (heehee)

  205. I, too, exist and scored mostly A’s…I saw someone mention chocolate cake for the party, but if you could somehow fit peanut butter in there, I’d be super appreciative. Peanut butter frosting, on dark chocolate cake…the BEST 30th birthday cake I EVER had..you should do THAT. Thanks for the early invite 🙂 I look forward to pursuing our awesome best friendship.

  206. Lovely post. Did someone say something about eating people? Friendship is two pals munching on a well cooked face together I always say. By the way, the munchkin wrote a troll song.

    “I Love Trolls”

    I love trolls
    I love trolls
    I love trolls
    Trolls are (n’t) very smart you know.
    Just like a river troll.
    I love trolls!!!

  207. I answered mostly A’s too! I am a nice person, but I’m generally also just too lazy to disagree with people, so I keep my vulgar comments in my head, or say them out loud in the office, but never write them on the internet. Maybe I’m a B.
    Either way, your blog is awesome and makes my day.

  209. I’m an A with B tendancies. So, I’d like to come to the party but I’ll sit on the steps and toss my gift through the cat door. If you have no cat door, screw you I’m keeping her. You probably dont need a stuffed , probably illegal, baby crocodile posed giving you the finger anyway. I should add that she was my Gram’s prized possession – Gram was the coolest.Gram.ever.

  210. Brilliant! Simply brilliant! Gotta share this one. (I know I should say more, just so this doesn’t look like a suspicious SPAM post that causes people to look closer at every word trying to find the link to a Viagra site, but there’s simply nothing else to say about such a funny post. And if you click on the word “Viagra” above and it takes you to one of those sites, it means FISHFACE has tampered with my comment.)

  211. I’m somewhere between being a normal human and fictional, which is SO FUCKING SPOT ON that it’s not funny. On some days I feel normal. Although what the fuck IS normal? And some days my life does feel unreal and I figure I am in someone’s dream (or nightmare) and when they wake up, POOF, I will totally fucking disappear. Hopefully there will be unicorns wherever I go.

  212. Dear Jenny,

    Been a while. Loved the troll farming experiment online quiz.
    Hopefully everyone answered A like me, because the world needs more compulsive liars awesome people 😉

    Love at ya!

    -Tony

  214. I’m apparently A and B. So, compassionate with strong opinions? Or strong opinions but trolls don’t want to eat me? Hopefully, one of those two as being compassionate but eaten by trolls seems a little unfair.

    I’ve never called anyone fishface, though ironically this morning, in a moment when my compassion lapsed and I slipped into B mode, I did tell someone they were disgusting. But they had it coming so I can still get a birthday party invite, right? Yay!

  215. Mostly an A, except I don’t walk away when I should and read all the comments. Then I get all worked up and my husband tells me the assholes aren’t worth it, except he’s too polite to use that word. We don’t dissect holes in plot lines because my husband thinks all movies that aren’t animated and/or have penguins are stupid. “Happy Feet” was the perfect combination. That and “Madagascar.”

    I do know what IP addresses are and, unfortunately, I’m posting from work.

  216. Jenny. . .why the fuckity fuck aren’t we friends? I will make you wine slushies and hide in the bathroom with you.

  217. I actually don’t actually exist. I’m actually the figment of someone else with a very detail-oriented imagination. One day they’ll actually die or just imagine someone else, and I’ll cease to exis

  219. Jenny, in my disco/gay boy days a “troll” was a very unattractive man not worthy of dancing or sharing poppers with.

  220. Unfortunately, this post is hampered by its lack of recognition of the OTHER type of troll… one who goes trolling (in the fishing sense). My understanding is that the Internet troll version of the term actually originated from the fishing sense rather than the fictional creature sense, although it is not surprising that this meaning is largely unknown. In the days of Usenet, a troll was someone who was specifically entering into a debate/discussion in bad faith, “trolling,” as it were, for people who could be incited to angry outbursts. The “troll” would then “win” if he/she got a rise out of someone.

  222. Jenny,

    So I don’t know if you actually read the comments on your blog, but I loved your book, thought it was fantastanomical!!!! Yes, I made up my own word. So I had a really fucked up day today and thought to myself to visit your blog and read some of your posts because they definitely make me laugh. Maybe you guys can help me out. Why are girls so catty? As a girl, I can’t understand it, maybe it was because I was raised with 5 brothers and cattiness was never something I learned how to be. Some girls and guys, just need to be smacked back to reality.

    Anyways on a lighter note, thanks for being an awesome bloggess! I love it & keep doing what you’re doing. I wish you success. You get me through my work days, thank you!!! <3

  224. 1. You read something on the internet you disagree with. How do you respond?
    B. You explain in the comment section why you think the author is an idiot.

    2. You see a movie created by someone:
    B. You spend 3 hours picking apart the plot, motives of the characters, and publicly point out all real or imagined plot-holes.

    3. You read a new book recommended by others but you don’t like it.
    B. You finish it and then give it a bad review online.

    4. Someone suggests eating people.
    D. You say “Yeah, I could eat” and you put on your people-eating sweats because you feel sort of fat that week.

    5. You don’t like this blog:
    A. You never read this post because you don’t like this blog.

    If you answered mostly B’s:

    You’re a normal human being.

    o/ First time I’ve been called THAT 😛

  225. Pleased to find I fall somewhere between A and B. The rest of you C and D muthafukkas can go fuck yourselves.

    Peace be with you.

  226. Important side-note: If a troll asks you over for dinner, and you ask what you should bring, and they say “just yourself,” it’s not because they’re being generous, it’s because you are the dinner.

  227. I’m mostly type B, but I do find it hard to sleep when I know that someone on the internet is wrong about something, aka ‘XKCD 386 syndrome’.

  228. I answered yes to one of each and am now smack-dab in the middle of an identity crisis. Winning.

    P.S. This seems like a good opportunity to suggest a world-wide Bloggess birthday party. Double Unicorn Success Club…ACTIVATE!!!

  229. I have no witty comment to make, just wanted to bow down and say Comedy Freakin Gold from beginning to end. Possibly one of your funniest ever, and I have laughed my ass off through every single one of them…so thanks

  232. Can “Trolls” be substituted in this quiz for any of the following:

    Muppets
    Scientologists
    David Bowie
    Republicans
    Fanilows (Fans of Barry Manilow)

    Just trying to justify my anger here.

  233. I learned that if you are arguing on the internet, then you have already lost. I’m pretty sure I learned that from you. Also, I try not to read comment sections anywhere but here, because the comments on most sites make me hate humanity, and I just don’t have time fore that shit.

  234. For real. If there is a party with cake and unicorns…just try to stop me from showing up. Invitation be damned. Where the hell are we going to find a bathroom big enough to accomodate….hmmm….

  235. I had mostly A’s and I DO exist!!!! And I’ll be checking my mail every day waiting for that birthday party invitation.

    My only downfall is #2. Except that I’m really polite. I only do it at home and I raise my hand before speaking up. My husband used to say “Yes?” everytime I raised my hand and I’d get to announce the flaw in said movie/tv show. Now? He just looks at me like I’m nuts when I raise my hand. I take that as a “Yes?” and tell him anyway.

    Or maybe he’s wearing his people-eating sweats and he’s not looking at me like I’m crazy….but like I’m going to be dinner?

    Either way, I’m still going to point out the problems.

  236. BAHAHAHA! I am definitely a D. J/K – Probably closer to a B. AWESOME SAUCE blog. Recommended by my friend and Ms. Cheevious contributor Cady. Love it.

  237. I fear I don’t exist. Or I’m going to get to eat cake. I like cake. Mmm cake. Wait – is it ice cream cake? It is too hot to eat anything but ice cream cake today.

  239. Fishface is totally a compliment. It’s my pet name for my husband. Who advises that trolls must be killed with fire, otherwise they regenerate. He’s full of usefull advice like that.

  242. I never go to the movie and I don’t have pants.
    …
    “Mommy? Daddy? I’m a troll.”

  244. “Go, go, go, go
    Go, go, go, shawty
    ‘Cause it’s your birthday
    We gon’ party like it’s yo birthday
    We gon’ sip Bacardi like it’s your birthday
    And you know we don’t give a fuck It’s not your birthday!” ~ In Da Club by 50Cent

    My birthday present to you. I’ll have a better gift in person, but can you please have your birthday in the winter cause it’s hotter than hell in Texas right now.

    Also, I want to talk to all these crazy-ass mofos on this post today! WHY are you keeping us apart, Jenny, whyyyy?

  245. Yay I’m getting invited to your birthday party! If you want me to bring snacks, I’ve got a couple of goats. I don’t have pants, though, so if that’s a problem….

    Okay, fine, I’m not invited to your party. I’m a troll. But in my defense (and the defense of my kind) trolls are really great at parties. If you don’t mind that we’ll probably eat all the other guests.

  246. I have to agree on the part where I may not actually exist. But, invite me to your birthday party anyway. I’ll bring wine.

  247. Type B, but I have to point out that troll is a fishing term, not a creature under a bridge. Sorry. I had to.

  251. See, this is why I can’t read your blog at work. Now I’ve gone and laughed loud enough to get into trouble. Thanks a lot.

  252. Back in the days when I was a bartender at a college bar, we would look at someone behaving “trollishly” at the bar (ummm, that is, getting people’s goats more so than eating them) and comment, “Somewhere in the world there is a bridge unguarded.” Then we would call the door guys and have them removed. I miss door guys.

  253. WHAT THE FUCKITY FUCK!?!?!…oh and Persian is spelled Persian…so there!

  254. Where does Beyonce the big metal chicken rate?

    Oh, and I’m normal? Can I get written confirmation of this?

  256. I wanted to say treasure trolls are the exception but then I envisioned a sweet looking treasure troll calling me to come and I do because that sweet treasure troll couldn’t eat a person, plus it’s offering me a free treasure and I just have to go pick out which one I want from the back of a windowless van (because they don’t want everyone seeing the treasure) and next thing I know I’m being eaten.

  257. squeeeeee fishface fishface! how awesome is that?

    fishface had a dog and fed it happy kibble then one day took the dog for a walk and was offered a job as a doorman at a fine hotel where fishface got to keep his dog with him at all times.

    i really really really wish i had the chutzpah to yell about fishface because it would actually be kind of funny, but i don’t want to wear anyone else’s skin except mine.

    tonight i shall say fishface at least once for no reason.

  258. I use the word troll two different ways and both quite frequently. First of all I might say something at the mall like, “Look at that douche bag trolling for chicks, hello gold chains and hairy chest.” Secondly, I might say something like this, “Is that a women or a troll? I can’t tell the difference.” Troll as in scary fairly tale creature, not as in cute troll doll. I would only refer to someone as a troll doll if they had a jewel in their belly button, were naked, and had colorful hair sticking straight up.

  259. I can’t believe that you have ever had to deal with a troll…you’re way too cool. And I can’t believe that anyone has ever left a blatantly asshole-ish comment for you…again, you’re way too cool. But perhaps, like with anything, trolls and assholes are not selective about the blogs they soil.

    The only ‘names’ I’ve ever been called in a comment are: creepy and an idiot. I guess compassionately-inclined, normal human beings can, from time to time, be idiotically creepy. Right?

    This quiz was fun 🙂

  261. Yay! I’m indirectly invited to your birthday party. Which reminds me, when is your birthday? I have a pretty awesome idea for a present!

  262. I’m a B except for the occasional C-comment but I make up a fictional online persona to make the C-comment which is such a D move so now what? It’s very confusing being a troll.

  264. I know a website that is completely full of trolls and the phrase, “lmfao @ poor people” is quoted regularly… thankfully they tend to stick to themselves and so the internet is safe from their inane banter.

  265. What if I think as a “B” but act as an “A”, do I still get an invite to the birthday party?

  266. So when’s the birthday party? I’ll send you my address. Just be sure to address it to Gigi – the kind and compassionate human being. Then maybe my family will believe that I AM a kind and compassionate human being and not the troll they think I am.

  267. It was a little touch and go there for a minute or 2. Mostly because Ihate wearing pants. So glad I came out on the nontroll and nonasshole side.

    I do want to be a llama.. but that’s the result of a different quiz. Probably Cosmo or some shit.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  268. Mostly A’s. I am the mythical unicorn commenter. If you are wearing your people-eating pants, I bet I taste like Skittles. Taste the rainbow!

    Sure, I have mean thoughts, but I try not to entertain them if they are unproductive.

    There is righteous anger over injustice and there is just mean. Life is too short to be mean.

  269. Great article, very witty. Um, I’m probably a bit of A and B. I mean I do write book and movie reviews and they aren’t always nice. I am getting tired of teenage boys masquerading as men but can’t even spell their own names in the comment sections. But hey, just because you can walk like a man doesn’t mean you are a man, you’re probably either a troll or an immature unicorn with trollish ancestry. Thanks for the quiz:-) PS I’ll bring pavlova to the party.

  270. Apparently, I am normal. Does this mean I can go off my meds? WOOOoooOOooooooo!

    Seriously though (no really), I believe in the quote “hurt people hurt people” even though it sounds kind of stupid.

  273. Today’s been the kind of day where time spent under a quiet bridge would have been a lovely diversion. Guess I’ve got Troll Envy.

  277. Wow, I don’t even qualify for “A” most of the time. I need to live a little more zen than that. Are people you’re getting really as rotten as B on average?? Yikes!

  281. I don’t think trolls should wear pants of any sort. I mean, there is really no place to do the laundry when you live under a bridge…

  282. you make me want to be a troll so bad. i hate pants and i love bridges. kind of divided on the people eating as it depends on the eatee. for example i could never eat Will Wheaton (who my sister and i always called Willy Wheaty growing up cuz he’s so cute i just want to put him in my pocket and take him home with me). but Charlie Sheen on the other hand? i’d eat the shyte out of that assclown mother-f*cker just to get him off the planet.

  283. OMG! I was soooo close to being an asshole but then the question about not wearing pants saved me. Pheeew….

  285. Ha….that lady used “etymology” like its a real word or something!

  286. I will be at your birthday party. I’ll bring cupcake pops. Sounds like I should make a few batches 🙂

    (Confrontation makes me curl up in a ball and cover my ears).

  287. The comments are almost–ALMOST–as awesome as this post!

    Freakin’ funny stuff! I think I’m somewhere between B & C, with a few A’s thrown in there, because I am just NOT NORMAL. (Or restrained.) But is it a VERY bad thing that I’m currently too fat for my comfy people-eating sweats? (Fortunately, it’s currently too hot in Phoenix to wear them.)

  288. What if you didn’t really fall into any of those categories? What if I don’t exist? I think I have really only called one person ever a troll, but he sounds an awful lot like the people described in category D. Only he lives under a theatre instead of a bridge.

  289. My simple go-to test for testing whether someone’s a troll consists of one word:

    billygoat

  290. Why do I never find this stuff until it is 200+ comments in. Too late to join… again. Les sigh.

  291. I’m so glad I’m not considered an asshole!

    On a somewhat related note, I just published my first set of short stories (Yay me!) and the longest one totally has some face eating going on in it! It’s almost like I wrote the news stories from Florida or *inspired* the people eaters, except I didn’t get to actually publish my story until a few weeks after the latest people eating incident.

  293. There needs to be another category…the grandmother. She posts “Whaaaaaaat?????? luvm” on every single one of your Facebook posts. I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. Is it wrong to block your grandmother? Because now all my friends sign their Facebook posts with luvm too.

  295. Is this a test? Anyway… I’m an A! I got an A! Thanks for reassuring assessment Dr. J. Lawson, PhD of Awesomeness!

  296. Um, I actually did eat a goat today. I am gonna have to find a bridge i guess.

  298. I’m so excited to be “normal!” Considering I share many anxiety and depression issues as well, this may be the only place I will be a member of the norm. Yea Double Unicorn Success Club.

  299. I’m getting this weird feeling that you’ve been getting troll comments. I don’t know why. It’s like a psychic kind of a thing. Hm. I’ll try focusing on you a little more and let you know what else I’m sensing.

  300. I read number 4 as ‘someone suggests you eat purple’ … that was a much weirder quiz

  301. I’m an A. Thanks for the party invite….I’m a fan of ice cream cake cuz hey, it’s ice cream AND cake. Brush off the trolls…haters gonna hate!

  303. I couldn’t get through the actual “scoring” part so that probably makes me trollish?

  304. I’m a compassionate human being (not a compulsive liar). And thanks this post helped me cope with (mental) anguish by laughing instead of using self-injury.

  305. I’m a mix of A & B. Can I still get an invite to the birthday party? I’ll make Beyonce cookies! Also, thank you for this.

  306. I’m English and therefore an ‘arsehole’, not an ‘asshole’, even though I answered mostly B’s. Can I still come to the party?

  307. mostly A’s with enough B’s to be fairly certain I do in fact exist.

  308. I’m gonna be that guy I hate and post something COMPLETELY off-topic because I just saw it, it’s 3:30 in the morning, I have to share it before my brain explodes, and I’m too tired/wide awake to find an appropriate place to share it. I thought of you when I read this and thought it might make you laugh, which I thought would be nice since you do that all the time for us. Hope you see this and enjoy a troll-free moment! http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-great-joys-in-life-that-healthy-people-never-experience/

  309. I am a real troll. Cool

    oh, that means I don’t have the internet, so I’m not really writing this comment.

    I’ll just go grab my goat…… bye…

  311. I’m Norwish, trolls – the kind that eats you – were a big part in my life growing up. They’re ferocious, scary as heck and I love them. Just watch The Trull Hunter http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vy2nAOdBUlw for an informative and true explanation of trolls :p

    On a serious note, I agree with Amber. Those who log in just to disagree with everything are also internet trolls.

  313. FUCK YOU DOUCHEBAG!!!

    I don’t know why I just did that. I didn’t finish the whole blog. . . just. . . something compelled me. . . I don’t know.

    Almost done with your book. If it wasn’t for my sleep issues (mainly that I keep doing it) I’d have finished last night. I like it!

  315. I am SO looking forward to your birthday party! I promise to wear pants.

  317. If, hypothetically, someone occasionally chews off bits of skin from around her fingernails when she is nervous, does that count as “eating people”?

  320. None of the above. I hope I’m able to disagree with people politely, and not in a passive aggressive manner or overtly aggressive manner. Clearly, I’m a special snowflake unicorn.

  321. Can anyone tell me if it is normal to like internet people way more than people you interact with? Because I totally want to hang out with many of you guys. I can’t say that about the people surrounding me….

  322. So i can’t be an a cause all my answers were “meh” and i do love this blog. Ms. Jenny you and I are BFFFFFF you just haven’t met me yet but if you did you would be like OMG this is the COOLEST chick ever. And then we would go to the flea market and see the alligators and ponder their happiness being as they are dressed as the Village People. I have it ALL worked out… or I could sound like a creepy mc creepster right now and well that is ok too. Regardless… if you were my friend you would see live animals wearing tiny outfits. Also my man sounds a lot like your man so they stand around and complain about the other random thing that got brought home and how the house is tiny and there don’t need to be anymore random things… see bfffff cause well im pretty osm (translation : awesome) and it would be a hysterical time.. so you know IP address and go from there to find me… stalker 😀

  325. OMG.

    I’m all A’s and it’s my BIRTHDAY!

    I officially feel like you wrote this just to tell me what an awesome person I am.
    BEST BIRTHDAY GIFT EVER!

  326. Oh crap. I’m a troll. I always suspected this may be the case, but you just went and confirmed. And to think I was having such a good day before this. Could be worse, at least I’m not a patent troll – they’re the worst.

  327. I got A’s! Yay! I can come to your birthday party! I will even bring the cake. With a unicorn on it. And edible glitter. It will be awesome.

  328. OMGosh, Jenny, thanks for the LOL – except I wasn’t laughing @ first. I was actually a little scared. My answers were all “B” & I was thinking, “this cannot be good.” Whew! I’m not a “real” troll. Just an internet troll.

    Yay for me.

  331. I just thought I would leave a comment to let you know how much I enjoy reading your blogs. It has made me think that I should write blogs but then am quickly reminded about how horrible of a writer I am. Perhaps, it will be easier for me to just sit back and enjoy the words other people type. Anyway, I’ve never read anyone’s blog before…seriously! I know right? It’s 2012, who hasn’t read a blog!? Thanks to a good friend of mine for pointing me in this direction, it’s the first thing I read before I start my work day….

    THANKS!

  332. I wish I could wear your skin and be you! In a completely non-Silence of the Lambs sort of way! You won’t have to get in the cave and put the lotion on your skin! (I mean its skin) You won’t even have to hurt the dog! I promise!
    This sounded a lot less creepy in my head.
    What is this IP address of which you speak?
    😉

  334. I’ve experienced more than my share of trolls recently and am seriously considering inventing troll repellent. I’m pretty sure it will end up smelling like Pine-Sol. Anyway Jenny, I stumbled upon this link to old photos from Life magazine that has you written all over it. It’s 15 photos of Tommy Tucker, a pet squirrel who lived with a Washington, D.C. family in the 1940s. He has over 30 costumes (the Red Cross nurse one is a riot). He is now stuffed, in ensemble just like you like them, and I believe resides in a back closet of the Smithsonian Institute. Here’s the link: http://life.time.com/curiosities/a-squirrels-guide-to-fashion/#1

  335. This is amazing. Thank you so much for your thorough clarification on what it means to be a troll. 😉

  336. I’m not a troll. But I was the man reading Jenny’s book on the 5pm train from Liverpool to Chester. If you’re the really pretty brunette woman sitting opposite me, who looked as though she was trying to see what I was giggling at, I hope that you managed to read the front cover and have now discovered this blog. Also, would you like to get a coffee sometime?

  337. I finally have the definative definition of that a “troll” is, thank you! You should be happy to know that you can add me to the list of “normal people” we do exist!

  339. On the interwebs, trolling means “trolling for reactions from gullible people”. It’s when some joker deliberately posts (throws out bait) that Harlan Ellison created Star Trek for the express purpose of seeing how many replies he can get (catch) correcting his “mistake.” Many people nowadays only go trolling for angry responses, true, and there are many more people who aren’t trolling at all, they’re just god-awful people who enjoy being hateful, but the word originated in the sense of a fisherman throwing out a net behind his boat, trolling through the water to see how many he can catch.

    Your definition is better though.

  343. So… when’s this birthday party? I have a punch bowl and an appendixless llama I can bring.

    I’m sorry. I don’t know why I lied. I don’t really have a punch bowl. I wish I did though. I would drink punch EVERY NIGHT.

  344. I’m dying at this, hilarious, “C. You suspect someone is somehow trying to challenge you. You organize a book burning.
    D. You don’t read but you appreciate the book burning because the nice glow helps you find the bridge you live under.”

  345. Oh Jenny every time I am thinking deep thoughts about something you write a post that perfectly captures my train of thought. THANK YOU.
    Also I am having trouble reading your book. it is also causing me to exercise rather a lot. I read in bed of a night and each time I start to read your writing, I get the giggles and have to get out of bed because I nearly wet myself. The squirrel chapter involved lots of getting in and out of bed and not much reading. I don’t think I am getting any fitter from all this to-ing and fro-ing to the bathroom but my kidneys seem to be in good shape. cheers Kim

  346. Jenny
    Check out the gopher hole museum in Torrington Alberta.
    the best part – THERE IS A GIFT SHOP !

  347. I think I accidentally ate goat on the beach in Ensenada during Spring Break in college, but I was being polite because it’s what I was served by the lovely family camping next to us, and I didn’t want to insult them.

    Does this qualify as a “D”?

  348. I read this via Zite. The sidebar asked if I wanted to read more about book burning or Schindler’s List. I just thought you’d like to know what Zite thinks this post is about. Did it miss the point or did I?

  350. I thought D would offer an alternative possibility. Like, “Or you’re Victor, fucking with me yet again.” 🙂

  353. Ashley from LBB suggested we take this quiz. I laughed so hard my stomach hurts. Can’t wait to be invited to your bday party, should there be one 🙂

  354. Trolls are cute and have colorful hair.
    Why are they naked? I don’t care.
    But some of them sport underwear.
    Those big eyes…what, are they surprised?
    They don’t look mean, but they are, it would seem.
    At least on the inter web, where all can be seen.
    Those trolls suck balls
    And need to be stuffed and put on The Bloggess’s wall.
    That is all.

  355. I like to think of myself as above average intelligence and yet I cannot figure out how to subscribe to your blog via email and not twitter or Facebook. Just finished your book and I fucking loved it. You’re dark and improper and funny as hell and I want to read you regularly.

  357. Well, cool. According to you I’m a normal person. In all honesty, I’m kind of an asshole, but we’ll go with your assessment.

    Anyway, this may be the first time I’ve ever commented. Thanks for all the laughs. Seriously, you’re crazy. Crazy, good, of course. The Beyonce post alone, as I’m sure you’ve been told many times, has, like, changed my life. I can’t count the times I’ve been shopping and come across one of Beyonce’s smaller relatives, gotten all excited, and sent a “knock, knock” picture text to a friend. 🙂

  358. I like to think most people enjoy my company. I might be wrong, it’s happened before. Happy Belated Birthday. Thanks.

  359. I AM a mythological troll and I resent this species profiling. Go take your aggressions out on those miserable Perisans.

  360. I love it when women write humor, but then again, I’m a compasionate liar. Let’ put the trolls back under the bridge where they belong.

  361. I think if you chew on yourself, that means you like your taste… which might be a good thing… Also, if you’re willing to eat charlie sheen over wil wheaton, does that make you an Assclown Motherfucker too? Since apparently we are what we eat? And on that thought, I’m apparently really bad for someone’s health, cause I live on candy…

  362. This post was so funny that I had to buy your book IMMEDIATELY on Kindle – which forced me to read your book when I woke up in the middle of night – which made me laugh until I could no longer fall abck asleep – which made me a talking monkey today. Damn you, Jenny! 🙂

  363. Wow. I hate being Bipolar sometimes. I could answer with all A’s or all C’s, depending on my mood. Then there is that whole “I could eat… fat pants” thing. I guess that makes me a gluttenous B at best. Soooo… does strike me from the guest list? :0

    What if I tell you I’m a (self proclaimed) kick ass zombie hunter and troll translater who owns her own unicorn? Oh, and I’m allergic to the sun. (not sure how that last one would actually help me, but does imply I’m empathetic to vampires and therefore remotely “hip”even though I don’t drink blood or sparkle in direct sunlight, but I do die easily. Wait. That might not be in my favor either. Shit. Never mind.)

  365. I guess I am a B, because I’m sometimes a B, but sometimes I start out as a C and compose a scathing retort detailing all the ways that the original post was wrong, either in my head or in the comment box, but then I just don’t click the “post” button. So I look like an A but I’m really a C with a fear of commitment.

  367. This is the best anti-troll diatribe I’ve ever read. And by diatribe, I mean enlightening yet humorous investigation into the human nature and the cosmos.

  368. On a slightly unrelated note, while browsing your zazzle offerings, zazzle recommended that “based on products” I consider purchasing this:
    http://www.zazzle.com/protected_by_2nd_amendment_blue_sticker-217142507333467408

    There are three different colors and T-shirts! (I guess they know you live in Texas) People’s comments under the sticker are PRICELESS. (and we’re back to people’s comments… so… I suppose this is vaguely related to your post?)

  370. I used to be a B. Then I got tired of dealing with lots of C’s (and one D). Now I’m an A 99% of the time.

  371. Um…not at ALL troll related but I just ordered THREE MORE copies of your book for delivery to friends. At happy hour (notch) one friend started talking about the book (that I sent him 2 weeks ago) and the girls started asking WHEN they would get the book (as if they have to SHARE??). I ordered THREE more copies of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” and am having them shipped to them individually.

    Not to brag BUT…these are the 5th, 6th and 7th copies of your book and IF I could I would give it to EVERY person I know.

    LOVE you; LOVE the book–hoping to get a chance to meet you when I go home to visit Mother in Kerrville–and am looking for my very own Beyonce, the Metal Chicken (Urban Size).

  372. ZOMG I AM INVITED TO YOUR BIRTHDAY! This is going to be AMAZING!!!!! We’ll eat cake and play party games and have a pinata that we hit with soooooo many sticks and things and I get to meet you for real! And I’m invited and everything! No hiding in the bushes for me! I don’t even have to wear a wig and lie about my identity! Although I will if you tell me to. Because I’m just that nice/desperate to please you. Oh man we are going to be BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. Let’s frolic through the meadows with taxidermied unicorns that died of natural causes! Oh man, I knew being a nice person would pay off eventually.

  374. Comment number 32 actually scares me a little, Fishface!
    I love you but don’t want to wear your labia as a lap-blanket….and how does SHE know
    if your labia is giant or not.

    OMG. I need a shower now.

  375. I thought trolls were just people that live under the bridge of the Internet and never comment. I will run along joyously that my paths have crossed with so few that I don’t know what I’m talking about.

  377. Love it! Those stinkin’ trolls should just get some pants and join the human race they are probably better to be around than teenagers and assholes.

  379. As I went through I noticed that for some of them it was a toss up between ‘B’ and ‘D’. Not simply that, but now I’ve read the people eating parts, I find m’self a bit peckish. What’s the best sauce for roast 18 year old ?

  380. Can we have secret option E) You live in my other bedroom and only come away from the Xbox long enough to get food (not entirely sure if you use the bathroom. You may pee in an empty water bottle).

    I refer to my kids as trolls. Or, more accurately, The Trolls. Because they are… well, I *think* they are. They’re boys and they smell funny. And I’ve heard trolls don’t bathe and smell bad.

  382. Except for my occasional goat eating frenzy. I’m sorry, they are DELICIOUS, I’m pretty sure I’m A with a smattering of B. Ha, I said smattering.

  383. I’m a human being, I’m a human being!!!!

    I did wonder.

    Love from Very Reassured of England

  384. LOL… I got called a troll yesterday by someone who apparently believes the definition is “anyone who disagrees with him”. Course he also believes that college doesn’t count for education and he’s the educated one because he’s going to the “school of lyfe”.

    I think the biggest irony was being called a troll by someone who showed every indication of being one. Jumped into the middle of a thread supporting the rainbow Oreo to yell incoherent rants about how all gays should get moved to their own country and that would be the end of everyone not straight in two generations.

  386. Late to the party because I spent my kid-free week high on hydrocodone because my stupid wrist thinks it deserves to hurt more and for longer than I did after either c-section. This. Is. Hilarious. Seriously Jenny, I would like to wear your skin and be you. You know, I think I’d actually prefer to be a fly on your wall for the short duration of my life. You know why? Because you are fucking awesome. Period. I’ll fight with anyone who disagrees. 😀

  390. Oh come on, everyone knows even trolls have smartphones now. I hear they hang out under their bridges watching Shrek and laughing about what douchebags they think ogres are.

  392. Phew! I was worried. I kept thinking “I should really pick A, that’s the nice thing, but B sounds so much better…”

  393. #364 inkstainedpaws,

    Well, I did. But sadlly, I am on life number 8 1/2.

    That half was a scare-ass half life thing I’d rather not talk about.

    Truly, I could die any day.

    Again, not helping my case any.

  395. Your scoring for B’s and A’s surprised me. I never make antagonistic, or even argumentative, comments. I’ll have to reconsider this stance. You’ve opened my eyes, Jenny.

  396. I love the comments as much as the blog. What does this make me Fishface?

  397. Jenny, I think you may be one of the few A-lister’s who gets this. Thank you for this. Sadly, I suspect the people who could learn the most from it will completely disregard every word of it.

  400. Identify All Gamers in the Comments Section of a Bloggess Post Containing the Word “Troll”: Achievement Unlocked.

  401. I totally want a pet troll now. The under-the-bridge variety. I could train him! Whenever stupid people pissed me off, I could be all “There’s dinner!” and give him his people-eating sweats.

    …I would have a very fat troll.

  402. first and foremost, thank you for everything.
    depression, anxiety, frosting binges (well that might be just me), finding solace strength in numbers basically.
    The picture you posted of Victor is now the wallpaper of my phone. Not only for the handsome mug, but I now have a reminder of the reaction I can expect from people when I open my mouth.

    Sloth hugs for all!

  404. Trolling has nothing to do with the mythological creature. Duh!

  406. What about sociopaths? Are they trolls or just assholes. I get that confused.

  411. I am confused. I was called a troll simply for trying to defend myself. I didn’t say anything offensive. I figure now I better stop, as being called a troll is just a way to not deal with my point of view. There is a very strongly subjective element to the definition of a troll…

  413. mainly Bs – It’s funny but on occasion I have been called a troll – just for having an opinion… it doesn’t cross my mind that simple opinions could cause offence!.. it may be that I’m not easily offended and assume that other people aren’t either

  414. Mostly B’s but I did answer D to eating people because it appeals to my sense of humour!

  415. This was fun, I fall in between A & B which made me very happy because I live in Canada and it’s freakin’ cold under those bridges at this time of year and I really try hard not to contribute to the asshole population of the world as it is large enough.

  416. So, I was *trying* to help a guy drive business to him and his website with some helpful suggestions because he is rather old school and didn’t want to upgrade his figurative production factory but wanted to get outrageous prices for his product so he could keep it in production. At the same time, he blamed those of us who have upgraded and begun producing a lower cost but equally good product for charging too low of prices and driving away his business. As a result, he called me a troll. I thought, okay, I don’t understand why you are mad at me, but whatever.

    My husband then explained to me that a troll was not just a large ugly person who sat under bridges waiting to eat goats (I am a little old school myself). So, I was really glad that I could find this quiz to spell it out for me! I was mostly A and B, but I like to leave good comments too and this quiz is the best. Maybe I will send him the link…

  418. I humbly ask to your permission to use the phrase “what the fuckity fuck is wrong with you, you sick bastard”

  420. When I first started blogging I would get really bummed out when I’d receive a bad comment. Nowadays I just laugh. It’s almost always older women screaming that my potty mouth doesn’t make me funny. It’s true, it’s my fucking mouth that’s hilarious.

  423. Ok. Not normal. Even took a poll of my friends, all said not normal. But I may be a vegetarian troll.

  428. I have noticed you don’t monetize thebloggess.com, don’t
    waste your traffic, you can earn additional bucks every month with new monetization method.
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  429. So I’m apparently a combination of compassionate human being and literal troll? NICE PEOPLE CAN OWN PEOPLE-EATING SWEATS, OKAY?!

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