Beyonce

in Random Crap

Several people have asked if we still have Beyonce-the-giant-metal-chicken.  OF COURSE WE DO.  Beyonce right this second:

Country life agrees with him.

Except for the hornets nest inside his belly, which, now that I think about it, sort of works as an organic burglar alarm.  No one ever expects to battle angry hornets when trying to steal a giant metal chicken.  It’s much like the Spanish Inquisition, but with more hornets and less Catholicism.

246 thoughts on “Beyonce”

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  1. i love that

    “You wanna piece of me? OH JESUS CHRIST” you DON’T

    that’s right

    HORNETS nest bitches

  2. Jenny, your blog never ceases to make me chuckle. I love that you have a giant metal chicken sitting in your yard. I love that the internet knows about it. Keep up the great writing.

  3. Definitely good that no one will be able to steal Beyonce without getting stung.

  5. Now when I think of Beyonce, I think of a giant chicken instead of a hot singer.

  13. NO ONE EXPECTS THE GIANT METAL CHICKEN! complete with hornets!

    ps. Aw..Bambi!

  14. Well, now you know it isn’t fair to keep Beyonce and not keep the sloth. That’s playing favorites.

  17. No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition! I love the Monty Python boys!!!

  18. Awesome, I’m glad Beyonce is still chillin’ in your backyard. I have an organic burglar alarm on the slide in my backyard. It’s like bees hate fun.

  23. Hysterical deer-stalking picture. That needs to be a card or ornament or something…

  26. are you sitting there, thinking “hmm, what should i blog about today? holy crap there’s a deer by beyonce!” then grab your camera and viola, brilliant post? pffft. lucky.

  27. Beyonce rocks! I never go anywhere now that I’m not on the lookout for a giant metal chicken so I can scream, “STOP THE CAR!! I gotta take a picture!!” Long live Beyonce!

  30. This puts a damper on your being able to move him to the front door should you ever feel the need again. It also deters people from kidnapping Beyonce and then photographing him all over the world. I am saddened by hornets, but then who isn’t

  31. So Beyonce traded her flying pig hat for a deer and hornets?

    Somehow this is unsurprising. I fully expect to see a hornet-infested Beyonce attacking a small town on a SyFy channel Saturday night movie soon. Right after Sharktopus and Pirahanaconda.

  34. ZOMBIE ATTACK!

    Jenny, just wanted to make sure you were aware of this – I know it’s not in your area, but it sounds amazing, I hope they spread all over the country!

    A 5k run where you are attacked by zombies – if you loose all of your flags you become a zombie and start chasing the other runners. http://runforyourlives.com/denver/

  35. You totally tricked me. My first thought was that Beyonce was going to be like the “Traveling Gnome.” Although now that I know she’s got a belly full of hornets I kind of view her as a trojan horse…glad to see she’s enjoying life in the country though. Very picturesque.

  36. Hornets . .. .Catholicism . . . .. just about the same thing to a fallen Catholic.

  37. Where can I get myself a Beyonce security system for my house? There are, like, 4 criminals within a mile of me according to familywatchdog.us…
    Also, does that come in a pocket size for when I have to walk home alone at night? But there’d be mace instead of hornets.

  38. Be very careful going near Beyonce. One of my friend’s kid just got stung over 15 times when she stumbled into a hornets’ nest.

    Might want to consider calling an exterminator to get rid of them. For reals.

  39. So happy to see Beyonce doing well. You inspired me last summer to buy my husband a metal peacock for our 21st anniversary. He LOVED it! It’s in front yard and my teenagers say its great cause it’s easy to find the yard cause it has a peacock in the plants! His name is Peter by the way.

  40. Jenny, it says something about your wonderful blog that my first thought upon seeing this picture is not “I wonder if she photoshopped that little deer in there”, but is instead “I wonder if that deer is taxidermied.”
    I’m not sure exactly what that something is, but rest assured it’s profound and your bum looks great in it.

  42. I’m glad Beyonce is alive and kicking ass among the trees. I purchased my own (smaller) version of Beyonce metal chicken, who lives in my backyard. I laugh everytime I see her!
    PS- LOVED your book and your blog!
    🙂

  44. They should make a sequel to ‘Bambi’ entitled ‘The Adventures of Bambi and Beyonce.’ And it would be even better than the original because if any hunters ever tried to shoot Beyonce, she would just cut a bitch with her super-sharp metal body.

  47. Apparently Beyonce is very popular pattern, I saw about 1000 of them at metal works shops in the Texas Hill Country on a recent work trip.

  48. The next thing you need is a flock of giant metal baby chicks. Although for that, i guess you’d need two giant metal chickens. I’m sure Victor could see the logic in that. After all, doesn’t the Bible say that every living thing should be fruitful and multiply? And Noah had two of every animal on the ark, right? So for you to only have one giant metal chicken is pretty much blasphemy. Victor is condemning you to Hell. That asshole.

  49. We saw Beyonce’s twin a few weeks ago, and the only thing preventing us from taking her home was our inability to get her home. Hmm, big metal chicken strapped to the roof of our car going down the interstate? Maybe it would have been worth it!

  51. I can’t wait for her to star in a film where she gets to kick a white chicken’s ass for hitting on her rooster.

  52. Or like the Simpson’s. . . “Or what? You’ll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead—do your worst!”

    DOH!

  53. Beyonce’s main weapon is suprise, suprise and hornets…
    Beyonce’s two main weapons are suprise, Hornets, and a ruthless dedication to Victor…
    Beyonce’s three main weapons- I’ll come in again

  54. Dude. That deer is all, “Will you be my mommy?” And Beyonce is all, “Knock Knock!” And the deer is all, “Huh?” And Beyonce is all, “The proper response is ‘Who’s there?'” And the deer is all, “Mommy?”

  55. Or maybe Beyonce would just act like a miniature Trojan horse? A giant metal Texan chicken kind of horse? With hornets instead of soldiers? I kind of think that would be more terrifying. Like, you were expecting hilarity to ensue, and then BAM! Bee stings. Hundreds of ’em.

  57. I was in Pier One the other day and saw a big metal peacock, and as much as I like peacocks, I was thinking, “Beyonce is way cooler than this.” So glad she’s still around!

  59. “It’s much like the Spanish Inquisition, but with more hornets and less Catholicism.”

    Hahahaahahahaahahahaha

  61. I’m surprised the deer isn’t more wary of the hornets. Much less the giant metal chicken. Great picture!

  63. I suppose it’s a bit late to point out that “Beyonce” is in fact, a rooster.

  64. Just wanted to thank you for bringing Beyonce into our lives. My circle of girlfriends loved your Beyonce piece so much that we bought our own little chicken. When one of us is having a particularly rough time, the chicken shows up on the doorstep unannounced. A big KNOCK KNOCK on the door, and when you open it, there is a chicken. It reminds us that things could ALWAYS be worse…. Thank you for starting our trend and helping us celebrate the value of a good girlfriend!

  65. My mom is an avid gardener and gets all sorts of wacky gardening catalogs. In one of them you can buy a wide variety of garden statues including a 5′ tall roster. She was very excited to show me such a find after I had told her the Beyonce story. BUT also found in said catalog is a 5′ tall Velociraptor because everyone needs one of those guarding the tomatoes.

  71. When you bought Beyonce is the first blog entry I ever read. And I was addicted from there. 🙂

  72. Beyonce is the bomb.
    Did that used to be Johnny Depp’s? I remember reading an article (probably 15 years ago) that he had a giant chicken/cock.

  74. It’s not a bad thing that he’s a rooster. Not everyone can say “I have a giant metal cock in my yard”.

  75. Apparently Texans have a thing for Beyonce, every time I pass one in a market along the highways and bi-ways across TX I think of you and whip out the blog to read to whomever might have missed this gem. Beyonce keeps me laughing . . . regularly.

  76. Hornets. Metal chicken. Spanish Inquisition. Yep, that gotta be the bestest! burglary alarm system out there. 😀

  80. Hornets nests AND he’ll cut you? Beyonce is not fucking around.

  81. BAMBI: “I’m awfully nervous being just a frail little baby deer, all alone in the world. I feel like I have butterflies in my stomach.”

    BEYONCE: “Shit, that ain’t nuthin’.”

  83. If I could get a giant metal chicken for my tiny, English back yard I’m pretty sure that would keep the new neighbours in line and worry the crap out of my old neighbours

  84. Of course you still have Beyonce. Who in the world would dispose of such a creature, after the joy it has brought to so many ? ( Except Victor. No joy there .)

  86. LOVE Beyonce…the giant metal chicken, not the singer 🙂
    I even went in search of one. No luck. The best I could do was a metal parrot whom we named Edward Scissorhands. He greets folks right outside our front door!

  87. Love this frickin’ chicken. The hornets’ nest is a delightful addition to the entire installation. Creativity in nature!

  89. It looks like Beyonce is ready to rumble with Bambi. Poor little deer is like “Oh no, a giant metal chicken. What do I do?” And Beyonce is all “You don’t want none of this, Bambi. You better step. Or else these bitch angry hornets are gonna get you.”

  90. I like to think of Beyonce as the modern-day Trojan horse. Kind of like, “yes burglars, please take me and put me in your car.” Then BOOM! HORNET ATTACK.

    They will never see it coming…

  91. You know, I never really considered using hornets as a security system. That’s genius! Of course, I hate the little bastards, cause they have no purpose on this Earth except to completly fuck up your entire day… But now I know how to keep my precious outdoor ornaments safe when I don’t plan on touching them except in the dead of winter. And even then I’ll knock it over and run away screaming like a little girl. BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING HORNETS AND THEY ARE THE FUCKING DEVIL SPAWN.

    The (unstable) End

  92. It makes me feel better today knowing that somewhere in the world there’s a giant metal rooster with, virtually, fire in his belly.

  94. I was in the Texas Hill Country over the 4th, and saw a version of Beyonce at the front of a ranch guarding the gate. Made me smile!

  96. I don’t know if anyone else got the Monty Python reference! “Nobody Expects The Spanish Inquisition”!Classic! Thanks for letting me know that someone else out there is a Python fan besides me. All that’s needed is a comfy chair with the cushions to make it better! Oh…and I’ve got serious Beyonce envy as well! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face as usual!

  98. I bet Beyonce doesn’t have hornets in his belly. It’s like those stickers from security companies that you put on your window that lets burglars know you have a security system. Even if you really don’t have a system, the burglars still think you do. Beyonce just wants people to think he has hornets because he is anti-social and just doesn’t feel like cutting people who fuck with him.

  100. How do the foxes like Beyonce? YOu know I see this picture and I want to live in the country, but after reading your book, I’m thinking…not so much.

  102. I totally love Beyonce as yard art, but I think he needs a salt lick near by…or a giant galvanized bucket of fake corn. He just looks hungry out there, and that lean and hungry look could scare off potential friends who aren’t as brave as Bambi seems to be. You know…like Thumper or Flower.

    He is just scrumptious out there!

  103. This would probably fare better than the ever so creepy scarecrow, and at least you don’t have to feed Beyonce. He just does what he’s told because he’s a giant metal chicken, and of course I want one. I need to beef up on security.

  106. I don’t know, man. That deer looks awfully suspicious. Like he’s maybe doing recon work and is then gonna report back to his little deer friends about the sitch. Then later, when it gets dark, they are gonna come back and snatch that sucker. Gotta watch out for those deer. They are crafty muthas.

  107. I found a Beyonce near my home. I wanted to buy him but my husband told me he’d divorce me if I did. Now I know how to get out of the marriage if I ever need to and then i’d have my very own Beyonce!

  109. Wow, not only will “that chicken cut you” but you’ll also get stung by hornets. And meanwhile the hornets are thinking “All this chicken belongs to US now.” Back off, Bambi.

  110. I gave my sister-in-law a smaller, apartment-sized version of Beyonce for her wedding. She LOVED it. Though it did look strange standing on the pretty white table with all the other more traditional wedding gifts.

  112. ” but with more hornets and less Catholicism.” I will use this in a conversation sometime this week. Probably when my doctor asks how I’ve been doing tomorrow and I tell her that my leg is haunted. But with more hornets and less Catholicism.

  113. man, replace the hornets with bees – what a great niche market for novelty honey hives!

  114. Bambi: Are you buzzing?
    Beyonce: Buzzing?!?
    Bambi: Ya. you don’t hear that? It’s like bees.. or hornets… or something?
    Beyonce: Ya. What IS that? *burp* Oh, holy crap!

  115. If there was a fire ant mound at her feet and a rattlesnake hole by her tail…THEN she would be in the perfect condition!!
    She still is and always will be my favorite anniversary gift

  118. Awww – what happened to the flying pig? You had a good start going with a Texas version of the “Town Musicians of Bremen” statue. Original statue is a depiction of the story about a group of outcast animals; only in the original version the rooster is on top.

  121. Of COURSE there is a hornet’s nest inside Beyonce. With a fawn nearby. Why wouldn’t there be? Oh, and may I suggest that the Ginga Ninja acts high and/or drunk because he possibly IS high and/or drunk? It just seems to be the logical answer.

  123. lol First time here and this blog totally made my day so thanks for that. I would like Beyonce to make a clucking noise so we can all watch that little deer fawn jump about 20′ in the air. We do that with our cats. Wait until they are walking over your foot and then just twitch it a little bit. Totally flawless reaction time.

  124. I love your Beyonce and the story that goes with it. It inspired my husband to get me my own giant metal rooster for my 40th birthday. I’ve named him (the rooster, not my husband) Kanye, and he sits just outside my home office window on the front patio. Kanye prompted our neighbors to Google giant metal chickens, which led them to your site. Spreading love with giant metal chickens! w00t!

  125. Alas, there was a “cluck cluck” from the giant metal chicken and the fawn, startled nearly half to death, leaped 20′ into the air only to land to silence. lol Who couldn’t use a big metal chicken in their yard?

  126. 5 more years and so help me God, if I don’t get a giant metal chicken for our anniversary I am going to kill my husband. Or more likely give him glares from across the room while he asks what the hell is wrong with me.

  128. Where is the flying pig that used to sit on Beyonce’s head? (Sorry if someone already asked, I did not read all of the comments)

  131. That poor little deer. “Mommy? What’s that buzzing sound? And why is that metal chicken staring at me?”

  132. “with more hornets, and less Catholicism” – Pray tell (I’m a recovering cradle Catholic)…what is the DIFFERENCE???? LOL.

  133. I see Beyonce has made a BFF, in spite of the hornets’ nest of doom. Brave little Bambi deserves a mention, I say.

  134. “With more hornets, and less Catholicism.” Pray tell, what IS the difference? LMAO. (Yes, I am Catholic so I can poke fun at myself. LOL.)

  135. When we bought Beyonce’s cousin Kanye, they asked if we wanted him or without hornets. Good to finally know why.

  136. My husband has a bumper sticker on his car that reads,”The Spanish Inquisition was a faith-based initiative.” Alas, no large metal chicken.

  137. BEYONCE! Can anyone explain to me why we haven’t been giving each other metal chickens as anniversary presents since the dawn of man?

  138. It’s like Beyonce just knew how awesome being a giant metal chicken is and safe-guarded herself from all harm, because giant metal chickens are clearly awesome

  139. Hornets? Or Africanized bees? I love telling out-of-state visitors that the cute little bee buzzing beside their heads is actually a KILLER BEE.

    At least Beyonce’s not full of fire ants.

    I keep trying to justify purchasing that full-sized weeping angel I saw at the concrete place on the way to Houston. Because “Knock-Knock, MF” with a weeping angel would be awesome. And expensive. But so very awesome.

  142. I keep seeing a remake of the classic Bambi meets Godzilla with Bambi meets Beyonce and Friends…I suspect it wouldn’t end well for Bambi. Beyonce for the win!

    I think my husband fears our 15th and 16th anniversaries…(secretly though – he loved your book!) 😉

  143. I’ve seen a couple of places selling considerably smaller but still pretty big metal chickens, and I’ve wondered if they came from the same dubious, rusty oil drummed source.

  145. So, I saw a giant metal chicken when I was in Grand Lake, Colorado this weekend. It was in the front yard of a gorgeous house in the woods. I wanted to take a picture, but my husband just drove on by like it was no big deal to see a giant metal chicken in a person’s yard. At first I thought that I had inadvertently stumbled upon your secret home in the mountains, but then I noticed that the rest of the yard had a complete lack of taxidermied animals and esoteric phone booths. So, it wasn’t your house I guess. Anyway, Beyonce has a sister. That’s all I’m saying.

  146. WTF? Beyonce is a dude? How did I not know that? Learn something new everyday I guess!

  148. I was in the States recently for a visit, and I was travelling through the South (probably towards the end of my trip, so it must have been Alabama) when I saw a place that had these things for sale, multiple of them lined up facing the road from behind a chainlink fence. I got so excited, I started nonsensically shrieking, “It’s Beyonce! Look, [lovely boyfriend cum travelling companion], it’s Beyonce! It’s -many- Beyonces! Look at all the Beyonces!”
    My beau thought I’d had a psychotic break. *lol*

  150. I saw a small Beyonce at the flea market off of 35 on Saturday. You know the one with the big armadillo. Anyways…It reminded me of you. 🙂

  151. Oh yeah, Beyonce IS a rooster. Hahahaha…if only that would show up on Google when you search “Beyonce.” That means you can say you get paid to write about clown porn AND there’s a giant metal cock infested with bugs in your yard.

    On second thought, maybe that’s not the best idea.

  153. I was in aerobics this evening and we did a move called “Beyonce” and I began to daydream and wonder how she was doing

  154. The debris still alive…right? It hasn’t been attacked by the swarm or wasn’t stuffed already? It’s such a cute little thing, I’d hate for Beyonce to somehow have done away with him in a desperate bid for more attention.

  157. I am so thankful Beyonce has found a loving home and has made friends (although the hornets may just be mooching on the kindness of Giant Metal Chickens). Sadly, the GMC at the flower stand outside of Leesburg was knocked over by a storm. The people still had not picked her up 2 days later. Tragedy, I’d say. Even Chicken abuse.

  159. Wow. Beyonce just looks so natural there, like part of the landscape. Shame that fake looking Bambi has to ruin the effect.

  161. I’m so glad you still have Beyonce – because I gotta tell ya EVERY time I see a large chicken (and they are EVERYWHERE) I automatically think “Knock, Knock…..”

  164. I’m loving that Beyonce has a built in security system…so what does the deer have for protection? or is Beyonce it’s protector? Awesomeness. PS I love that your backyard looks like a meadow

  165. I saw Beyonce’s cousin at a Tex Mex place in Gatlinburg, TN called the Loco Burro. I knew if he was hanging out there he was definitely a relative! I took a picture because of your anniversary post last year, came home saw your new post… and I can’t believe it’s already been a year since I read about Beyonce!

    Here’s the snap! http://everafterimagery.net/beyonce

  168. i would just like to say that you are awesome. fucking awesome. in my darkest of days (which are nearly all of them at the moment), i read your blog and smile, laugh and know that there IS something good in the world. thank you for your honesty and your awesomeness.

  169. When I read that you put that thing outside I immediately said to myself “that is totally going to turn into a hornet/wasp nest holding facility”.

  170. My family lives in the middle of a nowhere, off a gravel road, and up the longest, steepest driveway in the history of driveways. People miss the turn off all the damn time, so my solution : big wooden cow 500 feet before the turn, lightup solar Flamingoes on either side of the turn and the mailbox, then 300 feet after the turn, BAM! big orange concrete Rhino.. of course it could have been handled with regular old reflectors, but that’s so boring. Now I can say: you go past the big wooden cow, turn right at the flamingos, if you get to the orange rhino, you’ve gone too far.

  173. It’s like the hornets are all, “IF THE CHICKEN’S ROCKIN, DON’T COME KNOCKIN.” and then the deer is all “KNOCK KNOCK MOTHERFUCKER” and then the hornets go for the win. And I laughed out loud at your post.

  174. That deer looks like it’s little deer buddy, just out of frame, is looking at him and saying “Um, dude, don’t look now, but there’s a giant fucking metal chicken behind you.”

  176. If they would have thought of hornets for the inquisition, they would have been launching the nests with those catapult thingies.

    Just finished your book and it’s a good thing. The laughing was keeping The Husband (and me) up WAY too late. I can’t speak for him (because he gets really pissy when he doesn’t get enough sleep) but for me, it was worth the lost sleep.

  177. Wait.

    Beyonce The Giant Metal Chicken is a HE? Well, I suppose it would have to be if it is a rooster, but still. I always pictured BTGMC as a she.

    Go ahead, smash my dreams.

  179. He’s like an evil pinata. Instead of candy, you get death… In stinging form. Well played, Beyonce.. Well played indeed.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  185. Hey Jenny! I love your book! In fact, while reading it at the library today, I got to the part about Beyonce the Big Metal Chicken, and decided to check out your blog for the first time. Beautiful choice, because there was your post about Beyonce, in his natural state. Thanks!

  187. Thx to ur blog, I now have my own 6 foot metal chicken who I call, appropriately enough, Victor!

  188. Recently purchased our first home. My husband and I realized theirs a life sized metal cow across the Street in the neighbors yard. I aske my husband, “How do we battle a life sized metal cow?!” He looked me straight in the eye and replied, “With a 5ft metal chicken!”

  191. I’m at work and have spent all day reading your archives.
    So in essence I’m getting paid to read your blog.
    Best. job. ever.

  193. I was totally going to say “Beyonce, the Cajun Chicken!” like the Trojan Horse, because it kind of rhymes (well, just sort of Cajun and Trojan), but you’re not in Louisiana, you’re in the Hill Country. So, “Hook ‘en Horns!”

    Also, I’m happy Beyonce is still there.

    Also, I’ve been drinking wine tonight, so I’m sorry if what I wrote was weird.

    But, you like weird, right? So maybe I’m not sorry. (Unless you didn’t enjoy this comment and then I am, actually, sorry.)

    Also? I’m going to bed now before I do more damage.

  194. I love how I first thought you said the hornets were an organic *bulgar* alarm. As in, “Take cover, Bambi! Invading wheat products at two o’clock.” Cuz as much as no one ever expects to battle angry hornets while trying to steal a giant metal chicken, even fewer people than no one expect cereal to try to steal your chicken.

  195. And by “Hook ‘en Horns”, I meant “Hook *’em* Horns” because “‘en” is not a word.

    Ok. I really am going to bed now. I promise.

  198. That’s perfect! I always wanted to get a cool lawn ornament but worried someone would steal it and break my heart. HORNETS IN THE BELLY. So obvious.

  199. I’m so excited you had a Beyonce update. I’ve been trying to convince my husband he OWES me a Beyonce because we’ve been together 16 years (although we’re only coming up on our 14th wedding anniversary) and I’ll be 40 soon. Of course the neighbors already complain that we are the worst kept house on the block; Lord only knows what they do about a giant metal chicken! Bwa ha ha ha ha (rubs hands together ominously).

  203. I’m back in Hill Country, but the part that’s in the Middle of Nowhere.

    But even here they have Beyonces! I have a photo two that are for sale in front of the local grocery store. Yup, at an HEB. (Will post pics on the FB wall when I download them.)

    When HEB gets involved, you know you’ve really started something.

  204. Brilliant. At least your hornets are brighter than mine. Mine built their nest in the cowbell attached to my backyard gate so in essence, they were perturbed every time someone came or went. I finally went and had a word with them and convinced them to move over to the neighbors.

  205. Beyonce has caused my friends and I to take pictures of metal chickens big and small and send to each other cracking up to the point people think we’re on drugs. Well… maybe we are but that’s beside the point.

  206. So the girls in my office love your blog (our boss isn’t a douche). We especially loved the original Beyonce story. Getting to the point, I just moved in to a new house and you wouldn’t believe what they got me for a housewarming gift… ::hint:: KNOCK KNOCK!! My husband also reads your blog and loves it; however, his response was “OMFG! Are you serious or did you just google a picture of it just to screw with me?” After assuring him I’d be bringing a giant chicken home with me he conceeded it was nice of them and that “we should rent them a sloth and a baby fucking kangaroo to show our gratitude!”

  207. I love that no matter wtf is happening, there are always deer in your yard. Also, if there are BEES in Beyonce, you should leave them there…maybe collect some honey. But if there are WASPS in there, kill those bitches without mercy!

  208. You are seriously the funniest person in the whole wide world. That’s all.

  211. Holy crap, that thing is enormous!!! LOVE!! I would say that I want one but I am not a big hornet fan so I will just stalk yours every once in a while!!

  212. Awesome. You need to find that chicken a mate. The hornets are a clear sign that she needs some…companionship.

    Thanks for making me smile every time I need a break from work!

  213. My wonderful neighbor recently bought me a metal chicken. I have named it Sir Reginald Rooster!

  214. Um on a slightly unrelated note….. I think I may have just found the perfect theme song for you…..sung by no less than zombies. (well, ok, mummies – close enough, no?)

    Freaking. Awesome.

  217. Why do you not have a YouTube channel yet???? Why??? It would become the number 1 channel in no time flat….Screw Bieber, It’s the Bloggess.

  219. We have a giant hornet’s nest as the security system on our 2001 Saturn. We don’t drive it often, but when we do, we knock off the nest and head out. There’s usually a swarm following as we pull away, and I know every one of those little buggars wonders when their house became a mobile home. Once we get back, they always rebuild. It’s kind of like hornet vs machine. One of these days, the hornets will win.

  220. WOW – I gotta get some Guard Hornets for my house, which has lately been plagued by Bike Thieves and Sewing Machine Moochers. If I can just train ’em, I’d have myself a new small business!

  221. I imagine it would prove a problem for a sloth (if you decide to get one to keep)

    “Dude, there’s a chicken..might make friends with it. Will nap first”
    *naps then takes the rest of the afternoon to approach it*
    “Hey chicken we should totally…”
    *naps for like, 3 hours*
    “…be friends, mind if I climb up on…OH DEAR GOD, WHAT THE FUCK IS IN YOU?”
    *caught between needing to run (well, sloth waddle) and needing to nap*

    You’ll have to tell the sloth. HAVE to.

  222. At first I thought: “oh that’s nice, Beyonce looks like a giant metal stalker in the back yard… now with more bees.”
    Then I thought: “wow Jenny has a really realistic deer statue in her yard. I wonder where she got it?”
    And then I thought: “well it is probably taxidermied so that is why it is so realistic looking.”
    But then I realized: “if it was real and dead she would have put a dress on it.”
    I should probably stop thinking.

  224. We have this really cool antique store where I live and they have these huge metal chickens. They are all sizes and different colors. They also have a tiger that is just really strange. So if Beyonce needs a mate please let me know and I will send you pictures of these other awesome chickens.

  226. Do you collect stuffed deer as well or is that one just smart enough to know that the hornets will deter any danger that might come to it?

  227. …because of YOU, metal chickens make me laugh. What is the world coming to when a person can not take a metal chicken seriously? We are leaving on vacation next week, and one of our favorite things to do on the road is count how many metal chickens we see…..all because of your initial story! T:)

  228. I was winding my way through the Virginia/NC mountains when I saw a hUge white chicken out in front of a little establishment on Route 93. I had to restrain myself (twice – both coming and going) from shrieking to my husband, “Stop! There’s a chicken like Jenny has!” so I could take a picture. It wasn’t as colorful as Beyonce, though, but still!

  230. And there’s another one on Rte 15 in Lucketts, VA. The sucker is ginormous! (I only came to the top of it’s leg when I hugged it! LOL)

  232. I saw a Beyonce stunt double at a gas station in the middle of nowhere West Virginia. I tried to take a picture, but it was dark and every one just came out black.

  233. Too funny… I was JUST reading this part in your book and came down to check my Facebook to see that Beyonce has his own webpage and that this post was linked on it. Coincidence? I don’t know… that’s a lot of giant metal cock thrown at me at once…

  234. I have never made a comment on a Web site in all my years working on Web sites, but as I just finished your audio book and saw you speak at the behest of my boyfriend I figured what the hell…I’ll comment on this Beyonce post.

    My boyfriend and I live in New England. We were driving to a wedding in CT from MA and saw not 1 but 2 Beyonce’s on the way to this wedding. I’m not sure, Ms. Lawson and co. if you’re aware how rare and wonderful these chicken sculptures are in the Northeastern landscape, but I assure you they are exceedingly so. One does not just HAPPEN UPON a Beyonce up here. There are codes of sadness created by “home owners associations” and “civic governing bodies” that stop wonders like these from just popping up like they should.

    So you’ll understand my confusion when while driving down the road in southern MA my boyfriend screamed, “Oh my god, it’s BEYONCE!”

    And I’m like, “WHERE?!” Thinking we had just passed the musical singer (I hadn’t previously read the post about the REAL Beyonce.), I craned my neck to catch a glimpse of her as we passed some greasy spoon of a restaurant.

    And he then very calmly explained what and who Beyonce is and I looked your post up on my phone and felt a little sad that I’d just missed what could possibly be the only giant metal chicken sculpture in all of New England. (Seriously, New Englanders have a serious stick up their collective butts about yard ornamentation.) But then not 20 minutes later, I SPOT BEYONCE the second. It was like some miraculous glorious moment where the clouds shift and suddenly there’s a sunset and both you and your boyfriend are riding off into it together…in a Versa…eating combos both knowing that the other is right for the other one.

    So I thank you, Ms. Lawson for helping to affirm that I am doing the right thing here and for giving me Beyonce!

  235. You should totally patent the idea of organic burglar alarm’s. You could make a fortune! When you drive down the street and notice a hornets nest in someones yard you can charge them for using your patented system to keep burglars from stealing their houses, or lawn furniture, or tree’s. You could make millions and save the environment.

  236. I love this damn thing. The chicken, not the hornets nest. Well, it’s really a package deal I guess.

  237. The husband and I went house shopping today. Found a lovely one and wandered the back garden paths, only to find a Beyonce hidden in the back corner! I’m going to see if they’ll include him in the purchase price.

  238. Karma does hit hard. We now have a wasps’ nest in the opening for soffitt lights right by our bedroom window/door. 2 years of procrastination by hubby in finishing putting the lights up. Part 1 is done. Electrical housing for the lights in place. 1/2 of the lights in place. 1/2 of the light bulbs in those lights. Ahhh… someday. I wonder why I bought all those light bulbs the week before the mtg closing… Do light bulbs go bad sitting in the garage? They were kinda expensive.

  239. My kids have written a song. Picture a 9 year old and a 3 year old in the back of a minivan going “Beeee…YONSAY, the GREAT BIG METAL CHICKENNNNNNNNNNNN!!!” to the tune of “She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain” at the tops of their lungs.

  242. Oh my God! I loved your story. You sound like me and your husband sounds like mine. Keep up the good work!

  243. This made me laugh so hard, and not for the reasons you thing.

    I happen to have a chicken EXACTLY LIKE this on my porch. Only he’s about a foot and a half tall though… and has no hornets in him.

    And I totally would do that to my husband at the door.

  244. Tomorrow morning, in a hearing as part of never-ending divorce proceedings, I will whisper “knock knock motherfucker” to feel like myself in that stinking courtroom.

  245. I saw the profile picture of Beyonce in my Suggested pages on FB and immediately thought “I know that giant chicken” I was thrilled to see I right, but after all, who could forget reading about a giant metal chicken stuck infront of a front porch door? This has made my day.

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