LIES

I just tried on an ankle-length bathing suit and when my friend (Laura) asked me how it looked I had to tell her I looked too fat in it. We have reached new lows, America.

But then I came out of the dressing room and Laura explained that the part I was wearing as a belt was supposed to be around my boobs and then I felt fat and stupid.  Plus, I broke a sweat just trying on clothes and then I was all “MOTHERFUCKER, HOW OUT OF SHAPE DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NEED A REST IN BETWEEN TRYING ON SWIMSUITS?”  Answer:  Pretty damn out of shape.  Then I moved one of the outfits left in the room by the woman before me and found this underneath it:

And I smiled, silently gave the graffiti woman a virtual high five, and felt for a quick moment, so much less alone.

252 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 1
    Valerie Martin

    Hilarious!!!

    Like

  2. I think that graffiti needs to be in every dressing room. Ever.

    Like

    whiskeypants recently posted Tosh.Rape.

  3. swimsuits are evil! and I agree with graffiti woman!

    Like

  4. Lies INDEED.

    I need to take breathing breaks walking up and down my driveway.

    This wouldn’t happen if I left my house, like, ever.

    Like

  5. LOVE this!!!

    Like

  6. HILARIOUS!! I’m glad graffiti woman was able to make your day better.🙂

    Like

    Nicole C. recently posted My Backyard Rocks! {Wordless Wednesday}.

  7. I think it’s the lighting in those dressing rooms. The lights are so high and bright they make you sweaty.

    Like

  8. Sing it sister! I”m a fan of the “tankini” myself

    Like

    Reneesance recently posted Vintage Winter White 1960s Babydoll Negligee nightgown set sz S/M by Miss Elaine by Reneesance.

  9. Whoever she is, wherever she may be, I love her.

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    Kristen recently posted What do you think a ghost landscaper would charge?.

  10. That is so awesome. Who needs to breathe as long as you look good?!

    Like

    alaina recently posted In Memorial..

  11. I can testify to that! Tried on some trousers from GV recently. “Stretches with ease”? Ha!

    Like

  12. That is amazing.

    Like

  13. Swimsuits and jeans, the bane of all dressing rooms.

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  14. Best. Graffiti. Ever.

    Just last week I pretty much dislocated my shoulder attempting to squeeze myself into one of those slimming one-piece bathing suits.

    At this point, I’m thinking going nude might actually look better as there would be less bulging/seam ripping involved.

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    Katrina recently posted Christmas in July.

  15. And that’s when skinny dipping becomes a viable alternative.

    Like

  16. I though I was going to die in a dressing room the other day. They really need to make those things like walk in freezers. Seriously. We should demand it. I’m tired of getting heat exhaustion from trying on shirts in a tiny mirrored room.

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    JRose recently posted Life Lessons - Tire Balancing.

  17. Heard that. I would love to try on a pair of pants and not feel like I was trying to bring back Saturday Night Fever.

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    Craig recently posted A Rustic Dinner and the Duality of An Ego-Driven Life.

  18. Dressing room graffiti will be a new trend and only the Lawsbians will know why.

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    Jen recently posted WannaBees Visit A Scarlet Thread.

  19. That graffiti needs to be everywhere.

    Where do you find ankle-length bathing suits? I could use one. Or perhaps two. Vacation in two days and Canada does NOT need to see my butt cheeks.

    Like

  20. 20
    me_mumstheword

    That is wonderful!

    I nearly got stuck in a dress in a dressing room. I was on the verge of panic when I finally managed to get the damn thing off.

    Like

  21. SO BLOODY TRUE.

    Stupid sweaty dressing rooms. Makes you feel A: Fat, B: sweaty and gross, and C: really, REALLY makes you NOT want to put the clothing on because how many women felt JUST THAT WAY before you and PUT THAT ON then TOOK IT OFF AND PUT IT ON THE RACK AGAIN.

    ::Shudder::

    Like

  22. Ha! I have a theory that those so-called “slimming” swimsuits are lies too.I don’t understand where they move the displaced fat in those things.

    Like

    Justine recently posted Charlee-Bear Needs a Home.

  23. OMG. So freakin’ awesome. And for the first time EVER in my whole fat life, I found a bathing suit this summer that I didn’t hate, from some website called something like swimsuits 4 all. I recommend.🙂

    Like

    Wendy recently posted Powerless.

  24. 24
    Plain_ol_t

    I have yet to find a store that has adequate ventilation in the dressing rooms. Are they afraid we’re going to shinny up through the pipes with our clothes rather than pay for them?
    I’m convinced it’s a plot to keep us from trying on clothes in the store and then being to embarrassed to return the stuff that doesn’t fit when we try them on at home.

    Like

  25. Still firmly believe medieval torturers moved on to women’s clothing when the Inquisition ended. Swimsuits, stabby underwire, thongs…all could force confessions.

    Go graffiti woman!

    Like

    Jess recently posted "I rather like my lady bits - certainly enough so that I don't want to purposefully electrocute them.".

  26. 3 tries purchasing bathing suits online…..OK! I know how stupid a concept in the first place! WTH?

    Like

  27. I also broke a sweat trying on bathing suits… It was discouraging. Didn’t even find anything that fit/supported be appropriately! The fashion industry hopes for bulemic women…

    Like

  28. I run 3-4 times a week and I still get sweaty when I’m trying on clothes. I’m going to the beach this weekend with my family. First time since giving birth 9 months ago. I bought a “slimming” swimsuit for the occasion, and after careful inspection of my body in said suit, I agree: LIES!

    Like

    Ashley Austrew recently posted What the Katy Perry movie taught me about life (and motherhood).

  29. This is why I just sit and watch the people at the pool. I am curious what an ankle-length bathing suit looks like, though.

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    Kara recently posted 5 QUESTIONS WITH SHOES.

  30. I hate clothes shopping. I’ve been struggling with my weight for YEARS now, after having my son. If only food wasn’t so delicious.😦

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  31. @me_mumstheword – I read that as “I nearly got stuck in a dressing room. I was on the verge of panic when I finally managed to get the damn thing off.” and thought: “How big do you have to be to not be able to take off the dressing room!!!” (:

    Like

  32. I once got stuck (like baby Jessica in the well) in an all-in-one slimming undergarment. Took 15 minutes of sweating and writhing but I was not going to call the salesgirl to free me.

    Like

  33. when did bathing suits start being made with SO MUCH FABRIC? about the time i got fat, i guess. signed, Wearing A (Very Sexy) Tent To The Beach.

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  34. We need to go back to togas. Rome totally had the right idea.

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  35. Finally — truth in advertising. Via graffiti.

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    Becky recently posted Grey Matters.

  36. The store brought it on themselves! I support the graffiti.

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  37. Also, perhaps rather than saying “slimming”, they could just say, “This will make you not quite so chubby looking.”

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    Kara recently posted 5 QUESTIONS WITH SHOES.

  38. Love it! And I too get winded trying on clothes, especially in those tiny little rooms, with extremely hot overhead lighting.

    Like

  39. 39
    tub o love

    I put a comfy suit on and then a pair of men’s board shorts and a plus size Columbia sun shirt. I am just not secure with my lumpy’s.

    Like

  40. i just bought a swim dress. no lie. i’m a 35 y/o single mom, FUCKING WEARING A SWIM DRESS. the 22 year old me, spring-breaking in Key West would shudder and cry. next year, maybe swim burka.

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  41. Advertising that lies? This is a breaking development.

    Like

    Danny Zawacki recently posted Excuse Thursday.

  42. I have to disagree there, though I totally appreciate the sentiment. That Gloria Vanderbilt stuff actually stretches so much, the clothes just fall off. The ‘stretches with ease’ part is obnoxiously accurate.

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    Stephanie recently posted A Baby Story: Crack for Moms.

  43. Lies is right! Dread swimsuit shopping, every time.

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    Claire recently posted Things I Like Thursday.

  44. I hate reading these posts while I’m at work because I laugh and my co workers have NO idea what to think (they probably just think I’m insane). But I love this so much❤
    Also, Gloria Vanderbilt birthed the most beautiful man in the world. (<–that has nothing to do with this post).

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    Niven recently posted How a pencil managed to ruin my whole night.

  45. Where in cornbread hell did you find an ankle length bathing suit? Because I feel like I need one. Like ASAP. Then people can stop accosting me for being too pale to be out in the sun.

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  46. I just spent a coughety cough cough on a “magic suit” and the only thing magic about it is that I was actually able to shimmy it over my ass. I was winded afterwards. Can you really call something magic that is just made 3 sizes smaller so that your appendages are bursting out of the leg/arm holes like a turkey day float? I want to mouth kiss the swan graffiti artist.

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  47. I put on my bathing suit top BACKWARDS the other day and got stuck in the straps. I provide endless amusement for my husband. He could hardly stop laughing long enough to help me get out of it. Sigh.

    Like

  48. Probably a better promotion than the truth, “Stretches with a shitload of pain, tears and whiskey.”

    Like

    ilikebeerandbabies recently posted Tainted Love.

  49. I love Graffiti Woman! So true. Those slimming suits are just a major pain. Personally, I prefer not to swim in a girdle! Put me down as another tankini fan! SO much easier to get in and out of, which is particularly relevant for bathroom breaks while at the pool/beach!

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    SharonCville recently posted Nostalgia.

  50. Love this! Swimsuits suck, just go naked!

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    Keitha recently posted More Cardmaking.

  51. It doesn’t help that they keep the fitting rooms at a balmy 110 degrees, so you break a sweat trying to zip up a pair of jeans. Ugh.

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    Andrea recently posted Insta-Friday #6.

  52. If by stretches with ease it means squeezes you like you are 20 pounds of flour in a 10 pound bag then yes, it stretches with ease.
    You know the people that make that shit are like a size 4 that don’t need anything to stretch, except their mouth around a sandwich cause they’re hungry, cause they’re a SIZE 4

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    Sarah recently posted Just a Marching Ant..

  53. I get winded trying on clothes, a lot of it is probably due to slightly panicking from imagining someone watching me change based on the many very special TV episodes on shoplifting I’ve seen.

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  54. I feel so much less alone now… and where did you find said ankle length bathing suit?! How sad is it that that is now on my wish list?

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    Queen of All Things Good recently posted With Friends Like These....

  55. Ha ha! If those walls could talk…

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    Jenbug recently posted Six-Word Stories!.

  56. I’ve lost 20 pounds and gotten into really good shape recently. I still hate trying on clothes. It’s bullshit how much women’s sizes vary from store to store. I wear a small some places and an extra large other places. So fucking annoying.

    Like

    Ally recently posted Apparently, I'm a Hippie.

  57. you make me laugh every damn day!

    Like

  58. Hahahahahaha. I want to start leaving notes in dressing rooms now.

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    Allyn recently posted Garden Grows: Chapter Six.

  59. Oh Jenny, thank you SO very much for the laugh! I’ve been seriously down on myself for quite sometime because of weight issues. So having you put a lighthearted spin on these things is greatly appreciated! I can always depend on you to make me smile :O) Another lie….”one size fits all”, according to who? But then they try to make themselves feel better and change it to “one size fits most”. Which makes me feel like crap because I’m obviously a freak & an outcast for not being in the “most” category. ;o) Huh, what a crock of crappy!

    Like

  60. And this, people, is why I buy things off the internet. Because you can try them on at home. And send them back if they don’t fit. Or, keep them because you’re so depressed and agoraphobic that a) you never leave the house (see: internet shopping, above) so can’t get to a post office and b) don’t need them anyway because you never go anywhere (see (a)). But at least the trying on is fun.
    Great graffitto by the way.

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    Kirsty recently posted Level...errr....43?.

  61. I love your honesty! What woman likes to admit to thousands of people that she can’t try on bathing suits without getting out of breath and breaking a sweat? I get embarrassed telling my mother!

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    Cheney recently posted Wordless(ish) Wednesday.

  62. My solution: I rarely buy clothing I have to try on.

    Like

  63. Last time I tried on bathing suits I discovered exactly where all the extra goes when you put on a “slimming” suit…my breasts were just under my nose.

    Like

  64. I have resigned to maternity suits. My youngest kid is fucking NINE. Every Monday seems like a good time to start the new program. Thank god for maternity wear.

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    Mom Off Meth recently posted The Ground Is Where It's At.

  65. I will let you all in on a secret – two piece maternity swim suits are full of awesome especially when you aren’t pregnant! The only downside is if someone recognizes the pattern as being maternity so go for the solid colors.

    Like

  66. I’m quite disappointed in Glo right now. Elastic waist bands are evil, evil things. They look promising, and then they ruin your every hope and dream.

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    Jillian recently posted Does This Couch Make My Rear End Look Lazy?.

  67. Lies? No, the Kraft Mac and Cheese box.. the opening.. that is a lie that the Kraft company needs to admit to. That perforated area? Not so effective. Unless, of course, you aren’t sufficiently frustrated enough by dinner time, the Kraft people will provide you a very quick and easy meal that you can not open.

    Like

  68. Anderson Cooper should do an in depth investigation to uncover the Gloria Vanderbilt bathing suit deception. He should wear the black tshirt.

    Like

  69. I was the dressing room graffiti woman! OK, I wasn’t, but what are the odds she’ll show up here and post? I’m totally squatting on the dressing room graffiti credit. Um. Disturbing mental image. Anyway. You know.

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    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Healthy Disagreement?.

  70. Are you aware that you can get a velociraptor garden statue? I felt this might be relevant to your interests. http://www.designtoscano.com/product/code/NE110015.do

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    Jana recently posted Pear Flip.

  71. I love that graffiti woman. That is funny.

    (It is a universal woman thing to give this much thought to bathing suits in dressing rooms and elsewhere, isn’t it? http://imissyouwheniblink.com/2012/05/30/5-swimwear-trends-to-avoid/)

    Speaking of dressing room graffiti, I saw a great example of it recently. I will tweet you the picture…

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    When I Blink recently posted Bridging the Gap.

  72. Am I the only person who feels robbed by the lack of ankle-length-swimsuit photos in this post?

    Like

  73. They would sell a lot more bathing suits if they would lower the lights in the fitting rooms…like to maybe OFF.

    Like

  74. Thanks so much for the laugh! I’m going on vacation to Spain with my boyfriends family in like a week and wanted to try to lose weight before then but have been sick and haven’t been able to manage it (stupid auto-immune disease) so I needed a pick me up for the thought of having to wear swimsuits while there!

    Like

  75. Hmmm, now WHO could have written that graffitti, I wonder??????!!!!!!!!!!!!!! True, indeed. Nice work.

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    Laurie F. recently posted Plinky Prompt: Describe an Epic Sandwich.

  76. FYI- I did find a really great suit this year at Target. It was made by Spanx and cost $50. They had three different paisley variations in color, and it looked great. However, you can’t change the fact that your thighs are more like one large thigh, and no matter how much you spend, you are what you are. It was the first non-skirted bathing suit I have worn in about 8 years.

    Like

  77. I’m starting a new cardio class where all we do is try on bathing suits. I’m calling it “Suitably Slimnastics”…or something.

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    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted They're My Bieber*.

  78. So funny Jenny and I’m glad that the weight and the sweat problem isn’t just something I worry about
    http://tomstronach.blogspot.co.uk/2011/06/mr-fat-isnt-so-fat-anymore-but-still.html

    and I can testify to the lie on the expanding waistline on slacks too… I think my waistline was expanding far to fast for the expansion waistband to keep up with!!!

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  79. Seriously, I need to see this ankle-length bathing suit.

    Trying on clothes as a non-standard size is shit-tastic. Things that can also die in a fire: below-the-waist pants.

    Like

  80. Stretches with ease if you are a size 2 and it is a size 6 and WTF did it need to stretch for.

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  81. Awesome.

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    Milaka recently posted R.I.P. Mr. Bradbury.

  82. Oh, God, I have been putting off buying a new swimsuit even though my current swimsuit is disintegrating. This does not fill me with confidence. But it fills me with laughter! Which sometimes makes me pee a little. Thank God for those little pee strips on swimsuit bottoms.

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    Kathleen recently posted A Berry, Berry Good Day.

  83. Lies indeed! I order my bathing suits through the mail now so I can try them on in regular lighting–and get assistance getting out of the damn thing if needed.

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  84. I say Graffiti Woman is an automatic lifetime member of the Double Unicorn Success Club!!

    Hate bathing suits! Hate clothes shopping (always have – even when I was “skinny”). T-shirts, yoga pants, and stocking feet are my favs.

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    Shell recently posted This Much is True.

  85. I LOVE the graffiti woman! Personally, I think the whole draw-string waited skirts need to make a HUGE comeback! (There’s just something comforting about a skirt that “grows” with me!) (Plus? Long skirks mean underwwear is optional…does NOT get better than that!)

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  86. OK, here it is — my favorite dressing room graffiti:

    http://twitter.com/WhenIBlink/status/192229728604786688/photo/1

    Like

    When I Blink recently posted Bridging the Gap.

  87. I just have to tell you that I think you are the most hilarious woman on the planet. I picked up your book because I love a great memoir and it looked entertaining. Never knew I would laugh so much my stomach hurt. You rock!

    Like

  88. 90
    Adrienne B

    Oh man… I had to buy a wetsuit this spring for ocean kayaking. Talk about a struggle. Finally special ordered the NRS “Venus” style.

    But about the sweating- I swear stores now keep the dressing rooms 20 degrees hotter than they used to. Or there is no air-flow at all. Macy’s often sends me into sweaty panic-attack mode.

    Like

  89. I have a pretty normal body shape (damn sexy one, if im allowed my opinion) but even I cant stomach bthing suit shopping. pure torture. and then they shine down these overhead lights that are like “LET ME CAST SHADOWS ON YOUR ROLLS!” Im all “eff you, bathing suit dressing room. Im going to the nude beach”

    Like

  90. lies indeed. indeed. also trying on clothes is exhausting!

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    danielle recently posted little painted polka dots: personalized awesome..

  91. My bathing suit is a tankini (I absolutely hate that word, but I don’t know what else to call it.). The top has a bra in it on account of my ginormously ‘gifted’ upper carriage. Wrestling into it is something I hope no one ever sees me do. It’s just not a pretty sight and involves awkward maneuvering and possibly olive oil.

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    Jaime recently posted Dirty boys do it better.

  92. So true. I “lost” my swimsuit a few years ago and haven’t bothered to “find” a new one.

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    Mom In Two Cultures recently posted On Amusement Parks and Dead Tadpoles.

  93. …sigh… so sadly true
    I think I’d rather visit the ‘lady parts doctor’ than go suit shopping….

    Like

  94. the dressing room i was in the other day was apparently unairconditioned. because holy hell it was freaking hot in there … it was like trying to pull your jean shorts on after a dip at the beach (after you’ve gained 20 or so pounds more than the jean shorts should be required to hold.)
    and if i hadn’t needed what i was there for and needed to care for my sweet three children at home … i swear i would have laid myself down and died.
    and then i bought a swimsuit at costco … because dude. NO DRESSING ROOMS.

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  95. I hope this mystery woman comes forward…she is totally one of us.

    Like

  96. My theory is that in this bad economy stores are turning down the A/C. That has GOT to be the reason.

    And that woman…..is my hero. Expose the hypocrites where you can.🙂

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  97. They also put cellulite in the backing behind the mirrors.
    On-line shopping is one of the great inventions of the 20th century.

    Like

  98. How cool would it be if Graffiti Woman was a Lawsbian and commented here?!

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    Dory recently posted And sometimes, the grasshopper becomes the teacher..

  99. Yep! This makes me feel so much better! But that tag goes along with “instantly slimming”! You are not alone! I haven’t bought a new swimsuit in five years even though I have gone up and down in clothing sizes multiple times. It’s made of stretchy material! That’s my philosophy. That and the sun and I have ongoing disagreement. I have two shades white and lobster. It makes the whole two or three times I wear said swimsuit negligible. I am also that girl that keeps her shirt on.

    Like

  100. You want to know how we should torture terrorist suspects…make them try on bathing suits. They would spill ALL the secrets then.

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    thedoseofreality recently posted Silence Is Not An Option.

  101. I have been trying to envision what an ankle length bathing suit looks like. All I get when I search on Amazon or Google are sarongs or scuba suits. But a sarong wouldn’t be hard to get into. So are you buying a scuba suit?

    If someone has a link to modern ankle length bathing suits, please post.

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    Sue recently posted Picking out a new dog.

  102. Do what I do, and never buy new clothes🙂

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    Heretic Husband recently posted Chapter 13: In which the youth pastor's ex-wife is thrown under the bus.

  103. I hear ya…

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  104. Those fat control suits are like wrestling your way out of the belly of a cobra, or whatever snake that is that eats you whole. There were a bunch of pajama jeans at a local thrift store and I almost bought a pair as a joke but I knew it would be a matter of time before I started wearing them normally.

    Like

  105. I’ve honestly decided that in my internal war between “I Love Food and Liquor” and “I Want People To Think I’m Fit”, Team Food and Liquor wins every time. So I shoehorn myself into a tankini which rolls up over my gut, go to the pool with my varicose veins and drumstick thighs and say, “Fuck It, bring a Hard Mikes for me and a shot of tequila for my dignity” and read my book.

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  106. When I came out from trying swimsuits on this year I felt like I’d wrestled a bear. In fact, it would have been easier to wrestle a bear INTO a swimsuit

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  107. I gave up on swimsuits. I wear sort of a swim OUTFIT now. With shorts. And a top.

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  108. I was totally the Graffiti Woman who wrote that about Gloria. Not really. By the way, I’m totally with Julie the Wife.

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  109. I’m using “totally” all day today, by the way.

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  110. I am extremely sensitive to the sun. To the point that a sunburn can put me in the hospital. So I wear a diveskin when I want to go swimming somewhere with sun. It goes from chin to ankle to wrists. Decidedly not sexy. The trade off is that I can do something I love – swimming in open water or the ocean – without doing something I hate – spending a few days in the hospital. And for that it’s worth the stares.

    FWIW, I generally break into a sweat putting on my diveskin. Spandex is really hot until you jump in the water.

    Love your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.

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  111. All these horror stories remind me of that “Emergency!” (favorite show EVAR!) episode years ago–woman got stuck in her brand-new girdle and couldn’t breathe. Poor Johnny Gage had to cut her out of it. That sucker popped him in the face like a giant rubber band.

    Ah. The fond memories of a middle-aged woman……….

    Like

  112. So I’m going to Comic-Con this weekend and hopefully will be seeing the Firefly panel. If given the chance I will ask Nathan Fillion why he will not send you a picture holding twine.

    Like

  113. 115
    Denisetwin

    For those asking about swimwear that covers to knees, I just read an article on that and it mentioned three sellers, http://www.simply-modest.com/posecom/index.php ; http://hydrochic.com/ ; and http://www.divinitasole.com/designer If you google search for either modest swimwear or muslim or jewish swimwear quite a bit comes up. I second the love for tankinis although I found a “little black dress” swimsuit that I adore and put up with the wiggling and writhing to get it off when having to go to the bathroom when wearing it.

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  114. Hahahha that is a very true note.

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  115. Brilliant. *love*

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  116. Shout it, sister – I’ll give you the AMEN!

    Went dress shopping last Sunday – not even swimsuits, mind you! Dresses! – and it was depressing, degrading, hot as hell, and I resembled one of the snapping, hissing alligators on Gator Boys because I was so irritated. Fortunately, no one was with me, so I was my own victim. But do stores really need to make it THAT bad of an experience? No, they do not and yet they continue to do so. Bastards.

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  117. PERFECT

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  118. Bathing suit makers are pure evil. I’m not sure they’re even human. When I finally caved to buying a new suit this year, I was horrified and baffled to find that my correct swimsuit fit is apparently TWICE THE SIZE I wear in other clothes. WTF? As if I didn’t feel bad enough, standing practically naked in front of floor-length mirrors.

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    Katy recently posted Elsewhere.

  119. Hilarious…and so true🙂 I recently made the mistake of attempting to try on one of the bathing suits that promises to make you look slimmer. The sad truth is that the fat, while squeezed in at my tummy and waist, just seemed to come out at other openings of the suit. Not at all attractive. I settled on a tankini that covered my flaws, and didn’t make me want to vomit. Much better than the sausage casing I tried on first

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  120. See this is why I online shop…..someday, I’m going to open a store where the dressing rooms are kept at a nice cool temperature with fans in each one so you can try clothes on without becoming a big sweaty mess. And the sizes will be REAL numbers…what’s a double zero??? How can you be more zero than zero (or would that be less zero than zero?)?? Zero = nothing…you can’t be double nothing. Plus if you are that small, you musn’t physically exist.

    Oh and this store? Will be staffed by really hot men and sassy gays (who may also be really hot) who will definitely tell you if your ass looks big in that, so you don’t waste money, time and effort on pants that are just not your pants.

    Like

  121. I tried on one of those Slim Suit bathing suits. Can anyone say full body mammogram?

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  122. 124
    Claudette Turdici

    Awesome, just awesome.

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  123. So, I get branding imaging and whatnot, but why am I going to believe a swan about comfort waist pants? Do they even have a waist? And who has seen a fat swan? This is bullshit. Put a hippo on that shit and I might consider taking it seriously.

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  124. That’s awesome!

    Like

  125. Oh, lord, that’s hilarious!

    -Lindsey
    Et tu, tutu?

    Like

    Lindsey recently posted J'adore: Blah Day..

  126. hehehe It’s good to see the truth every now and again – but never when trying on bathing suits. For what it’s worth, I got my swim gear at H2O this year. I bought swim pants and a vest because I just knew it was going to be an ugly season otherwise. They have lots of mix and match, but beware: they, too, may tell lies similar to the one you’ve shown.

    Like

  127. I love the little bit of push-back against the bullshit bathing suit industry.

    Like

    Andie recently posted 700km, an Off-Roading PT Cruiser and the Faint Sound of Banjos, part 3 (the not-so-dramatic conclusion).

  128. What’s up with the swan? Am I missing something? Is it the official bird of shapewear?

    Like

  129. 131
    Weirdnessmagnet

    Where does one find an ankle-length bathing suit? One of those might get me out on the beach again.

    Like

  130. I have always sweated whenever I went to try on clothes, no matter my size. And I am super pale. Super pale and sweaty = red face. I went to go try on a potential swimsuit a few weeks ago and after 5 struggles, I went to find another version. Looked in the mirror and scared myself. I think i scared everyone out of that area of the store. Like I was about blow or something. Like trying on swimsuits was not traumatic enough.

    Like

  131. whats even worst are those damn mirrors in that dressing room! They must do something to them to make me look the way I do!

    Like

  132. Getting ready for my wedding I put the ‘slimmer’ I’d bought to wear under my slinky dress on backwards. Almost cried when I saw the tummy smile the butt lifter had created with my stomach.

    Like

    ReneeF recently posted End of an Era.

  133. this is why most women need to develop the same attitude of a lot of men. Who can walk down the street, bald, gut hanging over their sweat pants, and still believe they are the sexiest thing alive

    Like

  134. Right? I’ve got somewhere to be mid August – where I have to meet people and “mix in,” so I’m currently “AIMING” to fit into a goddamn size I never imagined reaching… 18! Oh, yeah, and they are Gloria Vanderbilt stretchy jeans with exact same decal – got them at Costco or Sam’s Club at “just the right price I’d pay for stuff I’ll probably never wear.” *They’ll never fit.*

    Like

    Lillian recently posted Monday Morning Meltdown.

  135. I just came back from a walk in the stupid heat. Since I need to get my shit together I thought I’d join a popular online weight loss program. I like the tools and stuff. Didn’t like weighing my ass.

    I am not a CFL linebacker, yet I am in the same weight category. Tears ensued. In addition to the “hide my fat shame from the world.”

    This post snapped me out of that mood. High fives for the LIES women.

    Like

  136. Personally…I think that all designers are conspiring against real women with their sizing!! EVIL!

    Like

  137. Believe it or not, THIS is why I only go clothes shopping with my husband. He knows what looks good on me better than I do. If I go shopping without him, I end up depressed and waste hours to come home with nothing. He goes with me and I end up feeling beautiful and it is all thanks to him. Yah…I’m bragging. lol!

    Like

  138. I vote for wearing shorts and baggy t-shirt in lieu of a swimsuit, but the health club out-votes me on this one. The worst thing in the world is NOT trying on bathing suits. The worst thing in the world IS actually trying to wrench the damn thing on in the dressing room of a health club without looking pathetic and fat. I lose every single time.

    Like

    Barbara recently posted If I Wanted America to Fail.

  139. I NEVER try anything on in a store because do I really need to know how old I am? I prefer the kinder lighting of my home, where I can continue to lie to myself.

    Best swimsuit for real women: Land’s End

    Like

    Mary recently posted Tamari Malbec.

  140. Perfect. I think I’ll go graffiti all the bathing suit tags in my local Target. Brilliant.

    Like

  141. My brilliant idea of the day: All women should be given a mask to wear when they try on a bathing suit. This mask should make them look like their best friend. Women need the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and see someone they love, not someone whose flaws are the only thing they can focus on. Personally, I can be objective and tell my best friend if something looks good or doesn’t. I can’t do the same thing for myself.

    Brilliant idea #2: No mirrors in bathing suit dressing rooms. All bathing suit shopping must take place with a buddy. This buddy is in charge of telling you if the suit is okay or not okay. You should be able to look down and see if your business is hanging out before you walk out of the dressing room. Do you really need to start getting critical of yourself? Let your buddy be your guide.

    Like

  142. She is right. It is all filthy, filthy lies. Stretch, my ass. No seriously, I need it to stretch around my ass.

    Like

    Melissa B recently posted Why?.

  143. I just purchased a Land’s End swimsuit and Mary speaks the truth! It Fits nice, is Flattering and I was Finally able to smile at myself in a bathing suit! Fuckin’ A!!

    Like

    Maggi recently posted Loki Finds a HOME!!!.

  144. She gets a virtual high-five from me too! I love it!

    Like

  145. I love you so much!!! Thank you for the laughter you give me, and all the best stories that I make my husband and two teenage sons sit and listen to while I’m laughing so hard that I’m almost peeing myself….and then it’s mostly unintelligible…but still damn funny!

    Like

  146. It’s moments like these that are so worth sharing – hiiiiilarious.

    Like

    Lindsey recently posted Dear Lawsbians...

  147. True story: I worked really, REALLY hard for a year on my diet and exercise, and I lost about 50 pounds. It was time to go shopping for a new bathing suit, and my mom insisted — INSISTED — on going with me for moral support.

    Something you should know before we proceed: I’ve never been pregnant.

    I had no idea what size I needed, so I found every black bathing suit that looked like a remote possibility and grabbed it in three sizes: the one I though might be right, a bigger one, and a smaller one. After struggling in and out of, like, 32 suits, I was sweaty and disgruntled. I was PANTING from the exertion of trying to get spandex over my sweaty body. WHY ARE DRESSING ROOMS SO FREAKING HOT?!

    Anyway, I was very discouraged because nothing looked right. I was on the brink of tears. All that hard work and still, nothing fit.

    My mom looked at me and said, “Huh… All that work you did to lose weight and your stomach still looks like you gave birth to twins.”

    [meaningful silence on my part, perhaps accompanied by a glare]

    “All I mean is, it’s sad,” Mom said.

    And THAT is the best bathing suit shopping story ever.

    jeez.

    Like

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  148. Yep right up there with “tummy control top.” First of all I am not five. Second, I hope the bastard that invented those winds up unloved in a ditch someday.

    Like

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  149. After giving birth, I held off on trying on suits for a year. When I finally had no choice, I went with my sister, who chose a “slimming” black Calvin Klein that looked promising.

    I put it on, looked in the mirror, and burst in to tears. Inconsolable. The only thing that bathing suit slimmed was my boobs.

    Like

    Alexa O recently posted The Nail Polish Issue.

  150. Love it!! I’m not fat, the clothes lie to me! Especially those damn pants. For shame, pants.

    Like

  151. The world would be a much better place if clothes never existed.

    Like

    Niven recently posted Not even my therapist will see me.

  152. It is funny, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the poor associate that gets to go in an clean up after the lazy ass that left that gem for you to find.

    Like

  153. The truth is out there…in graffiti form…Damn the man Save the Empire!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Panem Is No Place For A Vacation…Just Saying.

  154. LOL. Having recently been swimsuit shopping, I feel your pain. And I applaud graffiti woman, wherever she may be.

    Like

    Cheri recently posted Letters and Updates.

  155. This is equivalent to the “One Size Fits All” decree… I am not sure which one is a bigger lie…

    Like

    Christene recently posted Cheers! Happy Birthday/ Anniversary!.

  156. Absolutely hilarious! So true! I agree, I hate buying/trying on bathing suits. So evil!!!

    Like

  157. 160
    Laneycakes

    Today, is a very special and sad day for me. I just finished a 5+ month long project of reading all of your blogs from the very beginning to current. (I found you through Wil and Anne Wheaton on Twitter and fell in love immediately.)

    Anyway, I’m sad that I’m done.. as I turned the corner from Dec ’11 to Jan ’12 I started to slow down and savor them because I knew the end was near. I blazed through your book. (I’ve read it twice, once on my Kindle and the hard bound version as well.) And I have plans to read what you’ve got on the Sexi’s site as well. Maybe the Houston Chronicle mommy blogs too, although my two boys are grown and in College already.

    Anyway, I just wanted to pop in for the first time ever and let you know that I’m a new(ish) fan.. and say thank you. You’ve given me hours of laughter, head nodding, tears and entertainment in general. I have links bookmarked to some of your favorite things that I plan to go through as well, (Dadcentric, The Sneeze, Hyperbole and a Half, Cancer Diva). So I am especially grateful that you have opened paths into new and interesting things to me as well. Never stop being you. You are pretty awesome in my humble opinion.

    Like

  158. 161
    Kate from Iowa

    Hey, Lillian. I’m about where you are, after more years than I really care to think about, in about 8 months I’m down from a 26 to a nearly 16. For jeans in our sizes you really can’t do much better than Lane Bryant, particularly if you want/need a little er…”flattening” in front. They dont’ have many options, mostly just straightleg, bootcut or flare and only about one or two colors (usually only one) but hey…jeans that fit and look pretty good? I’ll take that trade-off. Also good are JAG jeans, which I’ve only found at JC Penny’s and Von Maur, but the last time I looked at those, the price had exploded and the creeping crap phenomenon was starting to invade, because there’s nothing quite like a sz 26 ass covered in sequins and rhinestones, is there? Prices at LB generally aren’t too terrible, and you can get killer deals if you get you measurement for their jean sizing system done in one of the stores and then buy at the online outlet. Like really truly extremely good deals. Like I got a good pair of jeans for four dollars this past February good.

    Don’t ever trust thier bra sizing, though.

    Like

  159. 162
    Myocardia

    Katrina has the right idea. I vote we all swim/lay out nude, as long as she goes first.

    Like

  160. Seriously… I get bagged playing fetch with my dog. While I’m stationary on the chaise lounger.

    It’s a new, all-time low form of laziness.

    I also refuse to buy new bathing suits and just keep using the side-tie ones I had when I was thinner. Or, choose to go to a nude beach and then the naked, waxed 60 year old men make you look FABULOUS in comparison.

    You’re welcome!

    =====

    Like

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Oh. Hai..

  161. I’m pretty sure Beyonce did this. She puts on a black cape while you and Victor are sleeping and stamps her Bird of Truth onto dressing room walls for the good of humanity.

    Like

    Jillian recently posted Will It Hold Up? Probably Not: A Literate Adult's Return to the Valley of Twilight.

  162. Those suits really piss me off. Because it’s all really a very simple physics problem. My very unscientific research shows that fat displacement occurs regardless of the strength of the spandex involved. In other words, the fat doesn’t disappear, that shit has to go somewhere!

    Like

    Denise Malloy recently posted Kirkus Reviews A Real Mother.

  163. Isn’t an ankle-length swimsuit a wetsuit? Or is it the first true swim-suit? That’s an invention just waiting to be exploited. An entire suit made of swimming suit material. This is gold people.

    Like

    Himbokal recently posted Justin Bieber: The Next Thousand Years.

  164. You are not alone: http://sublurbanmama.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-punched-goodwill-in-throat.html. I PUNCHED GOODWILL IN THE THROAT.

    Like

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted They're My Bieber*.

  165. I can’t stop laughing!

    I have severe eczema. I have to wear a wetsuit looking outfit, with SPF 75 in the material, to swim. It is from a sun protection online store called Coolibar. The bad news: I look like a loser, with long pants and long sleeves to swim. The good news: all that fabric covers my wobbly bits. So I don’t have to shop for swimsuits!!

    Like

  166. This hurts my heart. If you wanna get together and have wine slushies while we discuss the merits of ascribing our worth to our body size (the secret is, there are none), I’m available.
    I won’t share the entire torrid affair I’ve been through, twenty years running, but I often wonder: When I’m on my deathbed, will I hate myself for all of the agony over weight and physical appearance I’ve put myself through? I’m convinced that I would deeply regret it if I kept holding on to that much self-loathing. Easier said than done, to be sure. Let’s try though, shall we dear? We’re both TOO bad-ass.

    Like

  167. Elastic is my friend.

    Like

  168. I once retardedly thought trying on swimsuits while on my period was a good idea. HAHAHAHAHAHA No. An entire universe of No. I think next time I’ll drink before attempting it. At least then I won’t care how shitty I look.

    Like

    Adrasteia recently posted Beautiful henna remembrances for a beautiful day.

  169. NICE! Lovely to see that others have the same problems as oneself…

    Like

  170. You really need to post a link to an ankle length swimsuit. I have lupus and I’m photosensitive, so I have to cover myself from head to toe or I’ll break out in a rash and feel sick. I got stares when we went to Maui last year. I wanted to say “What, haven’t you ever seen someone swim in a UV long sleeved top, pants, hat and gloves? ” I really wanted a burkini because there are some really cute designs out there but the prices were too high. You should get a burkini.

    Like

  171. What, you mean most people DON’T break a sweat trying on clothes? Pfft, I don’t believe you.

    Oh, add in some grunting, panting, muffled sobs, and a theraputic* stop at Haagen Daas on the way back to your car, and you’d have every single clothes shopping experience I have ever had.

    *That word doesn’t look right. It’s way easier to add a footnote than to Google the correct spelling, so I might never know if it’s right…

    Like

    Sweet Sassyfats recently posted Cut to the Bone.

  172. I’m not terribly convinced that “graffitti woman” is not YOU. LMAO. Fight the power.

    Fucking ankle-length swimsuits? Where’s the picture of THAT? Sounds like it’d be as hard to get into as Spanx, and that’s workout-level sweating to encase your sausage in that shit.

    Like

    downfromtheledge recently posted Alien-Nation, Part 2: Breaking The Habit Of YOU.

  173. Ladies, you think YOU have it tough?

    Think about squeezing into a Speedo.

    No, don’t.

    Ack.

    Like

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  174. I once had an asthma attack putting on a strapless bra. Clothing is evil.

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted Dark musings.

  175. That story has magic. Can this be a trend? Leaving notes on tags?

    Like

    Madeline recently posted AHHHHHH! Dejected and Pathetic.

  176. I have had 3 kids. I will never wear a swimsuit again. Unless they decide to start handing out free tummy tucks. Then we’ll see.

    Like

    Danielle recently posted A Wackadoodle Day.

  177. I have to buy bathing suits with underwire because my boobs are so tiny that I look like a 12 yr old. I’m 26 and I can’t wear a bathing suit unless it has support to make me look adult enough. Sad and embarrassing.

    Like

  178. Preach it Sister!

    Like

    Sandy@Sinsationally Me recently posted Thanks but really, I got this.

  179. I recommend board shorts and a tankini…easily converts from swimwear to going-for-a-walk-right-to-the-damn-frozen-yogurt-bar-cause-I’m-all-sweaty-from-trying-on-lying-clothes-wear

    Like

  180. I think it’s worth mentioning, I decided to google “ankle length bathing suit”, and found no actual examples of such, but this page is already on the first page of results.

    Well done, Jenny. _Well done._

    Like

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  181. We need a link to where one would purchase said ankle-length swimsuit!

    Like

  182. Graffiti woman made me smile. Swimsuits are evil.

    Like

    Stacey recently posted The Rolls-Royce Rescue Mission.

  183. YAY! That is freakin AWESOME… or as our little Lawsbian group on FB has dubbed it…

    LAWESOME!

    Like

    Keaven Neely recently posted My Hell (Warning: May Trigger).

  184. You are the only person on earth who finds stuff that awesome AND remembers to take a picture of it.🙂

    Like

    Kristen Mae recently posted Vacations are supposed to be FUN, Kate Gosselin.

  185. Trying on a swimsuit in what you think is your size based on what you normally wear, but turns out to be at least two or three sizes too small, is a humiliating experience, I just went through it not too long ago for a picnic for my husband’s employer. Fortunately my husband was able to find a bottom that looked like shorts so it just had to fit well enough to not slide off while in the water and a top that was actually loose instead of tight and covered all of my stomach when he came with me the next day in another store because I burst into tears in the dressing room of the first store and had come really close to telling him I wasn’t going.

    It takes a strong/brave man to look through the women’s swimwear with all of the not actually old enough to be wearing a bikini but they seem to feel like they must, and not feel out of place. When I was 14 the last thing I would have wanted to go in the pool in was a bikini, what gives!

    Like

    Eppy recently posted SimCity for Windows: Scenario: Dullsville.

  186. I have all my clothes made by Omar the tent maker!

    Like

  187. We women need to stick together!

    Like

  188. That is fucking awesome!

    Like

  189. Ooh, graffitti chick had the right idea….

    Like

  190. I noticed the other day that Lee jeans all said, “Instantly slims you,” even on the size fours. Which made me think, “THIS is what our country’s problem is. Even women wearing size fours think they need instant slimming. Those of us squeezing into size 12s have no chance.

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Good one!.

  191. 2 words:

    FUCKING. HERO.

    Also, llamas… but that is neither here nor there…

    Hugs!

    Valerie

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    Valerie recently posted World Domination Made Easy.

  192. OMG, I think you are my long lost twin. You are so stinking funny. And that has totally happened to me.

    Like

  193. It’s all about making women feel bad about themselves so they’ll buy “beauty” products. I really like the graffito. It’s excellent.

    Like

    Sj recently posted Confluence.

  194. This reminds me of the time I tried on a sports bra… I thought I was going to have to steal it. I couldn’t get the F’n thing off! It took me about 1/2 hour. I was having breast surgery and the Dr. advised I buy one…. Ended up making DH wrap the girls with an ace bandage.

    Like

  195. Last time I tried on bathing suits I tore out all of the “protection” paper strips from the crotch and planted them on the mirror. Just to confuse and dismay all those Nordstrom bitches.

    Like

    Her Ace in the Hole recently posted another way i attempt to wreck my kids.

  196. there’s a reason I only buy a swimsuit every 10 years.

    Like

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  197. So funny….and there are the bright neon white lights in all dressing rooms that enhance the look of cellulite on the thighs!

    Like

  198. That is hilarious! Gotta love the sisterhood!

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted Health Care Is So Expensive!.

  199. I just don’t put on a bathing suit ever. Water is overrated unless you’re drinking it. Direct sunlight on large swaths of exposed skin is bad for everyone, not just vampires. Problem solved.

    Like

    Mary, QoE recently posted Finding a Vantage Point.

  200. 203
    Lady Penelope

    I’m petite and translucent so I just look like the walking undead on a holiday from the crypt.

    Last Summer I was at the beach sitting in about 4 inches of water and I noticed my legs were glowing like a creature from the depths of the sea who emit their own light. I looked like a damn fishing lure.
    I heard the theme from Jaws so I retreated to my towel…

    Like

  201. LOL! I’d like to shake that truth-tellers hand!

    Like

    Jenn @therebelchick recently posted 5 Steps to Better Health For the Future.

  202. 205
    Jenn @GoodJennBadJenn

    I’m in shape. I’m pretty damn in shape. And I break a sweat trying on clothes, ESPECIALLY swimsuits. They’re designed to be ridiculously hard to get into and get out of and just wear. It’s the stretchy material — it’s a trifecta of tightness, stickiness once the least amount of sweat has been produced, and just general pinchiness once it’s on you. Seriously, swimsuits could give Copernicus a lesson in deranged hugs.

    Like

    Jenn @GoodJennBadJenn recently posted A Business Model.

  203. And now I’m going to give you a virtual high five. The fashion & beauty industries are conspiring against us- we must all join forces and rebel!!

    Oh and I’m pretty sure that thing is supposed to be a swan but I totally see Beyonce instead.

    Like

  204. But Gloria’s son tells the truth now!

    Like

    Amy recently posted Glass Blowing Class: The Glory Hole.

  205. I swear this same sticker and graffiti is in the TJMaxx in Kansas City, MO. Who ever she is, she’s telling truth around the country!

    xoxoxo

    Like

  206. This is beautiful! Swimsuits are the devil. I think people who have a fear of crowds and water are actually really smart cause THEY don’t have to go trying these stupid things on.

    *high five*

    Like

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  207. How is it that you see all of this funny stuff? You are hilarious!

    Like

    Becki recently posted Submarine: A Great Little Film on Netflix Streaming.

  208. The fashion industry is probably right behind politicians in number of lies told to women. Both harmful, but in different ways. Usually.

    Like

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  209. 212
    MoldaviteSofa

    All swans are liars, because they are predators.
    And predators will eat you, even white fluffy ones with long graceful necks.
    http://www.cracked.com/article_15853_the-6-cutest-animals-that-can-still-destroy-you.html

    Like

  210. Hah! Shopping for swim suits is the WORST, and those dressing room lights / mirrors are the worst. It’s not you. It’s them.

    http://madmaxandfamily.blogspot.com
    http://blog.chron.com/madabouttown/

    Like

    Tara recently posted Fun: How do you celebrate newborns?.

  211. Oh…you are never alone. Especially when trying on bathing suits – the worst torture of the fashion world. (And this coming from someone who just agonized over squeezing into a bridesmaid dress.)

    When I lived at the beach, the worst part wasn’t just trying on bathing suits, it was trying on bathing suits in the company of cute, fit co-eds. I can glory that they’ll lose their shape in time, but WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M COMPETING WITH THEM!

    Like

    Red recently posted Bridesmaid Dress O'Death, part II.

  212. I am so fucking glad I’m not the only one who has to take a rest in between trying on swimsuits. Also, I’d just about rather do anything on this sweet earth than try on swimsuits. Haha!

    Like

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Twatbadger: You’re fat as hell on the inside. *Possibly NSFW*.

  213. Everyone here totally made me day. =)

    Like

    Janika recently posted I did the unthinkable.

  214. The same could be said for the Lee jeans….I mean they’re fine in the waist…but if you have thunder thighs with a slight poochy thing on the inner thigh area? Forget about it. That shit will only stretch for about 3 months before it rips through and then on top of being fat you have rub burns.

    Thank God skirts are so much more forgiving.

    Like

    Nikki Nicholas Mohamed recently posted differences.

  215. I bought a pair of men’s spanks once on a whim and I’m actually in really good shape. I thought I was slowly being strangled at the crotch and bladder.

    Like

    John B recently posted nice guys finish... the same time as EVERYONE ELSE!.

  216. I love this post! I’m also interested in finding a full-body swim suit. I was recently intrigued by the woman at my community center pool wearing a burkini with a swim hijab. I blogged about it here: http://thisambiguouslife.blogspot.com/2012/07/there-is-progressive-tide-at-my.html

    Like

  217. Ahh, the struggle of clothes shopping. Story of my life. It’s always good to know you’re not alone, though.

    Like

    Amanda recently posted in which I remember what the sun feels like.

  218. On a totally different topic — another rockin’ red dress photo hits the web. Maybe Vogue didn’t know it was an empowering RedDress photo for thebloggess when they published it — but what the heck, it is now!

    http://www.thepostgame.com/blog/london-calling-2012/201207/vogue-olympic-boxing-boxer-marlen-esparza

    Best wishes & swimsuits,
    MaryHS

    Like

  219. You crack me up! Swim suit shopping is awful no matter what size you are. Now I just order several online and try them on at home – ship back the ones that don’t fit. That way you can have a booze slushy, or two, while trying them on and there’s always the option of taking a nap between suits🙂

    Like

    Kim @ The Family Practice recently posted Love Potion Number 9 aka Thrive Tonic.

  220. Perhaps the next time you go shopping you should leave your black sharpie with Victor. Just sayin’
    I do love the graffiti though.

    Like

  221. That’s the kind of graffiti I would leave and would love if I found it.

    Like

  222. This is how I feel when I try on Magnum condoms.

    Like

    the muskrat recently posted sharpies don’t kill ponies.

  223. I think the lighting in the dressing rooms adds, like, 35 pounds at least.

    Like

  224. I think u are gorgeous. Absolutely.

    Like

  225. I needed this post today in the worst way so thank you.

    You may have just created the fat lady anarchy dressing room graffiti society.

    Like

    Nicole recently posted Book Review - Remind Me Again Why I Need a Man? By Claudia Carroll.

  226. Boldest lie in all women’s clothing——–“one size fits all.” I want to put a condom display out there with condoms that are all about 18 inches long and mark it “one size fits all.” It would be just as accurate.

    Like

  227. You’re braver than I am, I haven’t tried on a bathing suit in YEARS.
    Wait – there was a belt you’re supposed wear around your boobs? What kind of clothing store was this anyway?

    Like

  228. I’ve been saying for years I need a full body swimsuit-down to the ankles. I just want to cover up all of what I’ve got going on!

    Like

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  229. http://poopwafoley.blogspot.com/2012/02/i-hate-fitting-rooms.html

    totally understand that. I wrote something just like that…

    Like

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  230. It’s like putting on spanx. You need to plan ahead, add an extra 25-30 minutes to your time allotted for dressing, and give anyone in the house a heads up, so when they hear the groaning and thrashing around they don’t think you’re being killed. Also, you’ll need a fan to stand in front of to dry the sweat from your labor, and never apply your makeup until AFTER you have applied your spanx… otherwise it will melt off your face, and probably be all over your carpet from the 10 minutes you rolled around on the floor, trying to get them up after you fell from trying to jump your way into them for the first 15 minutes.

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  231. Word, graffiti lady, word.

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  232. I need to find graffiti woman and pay her to mark “f**king uncomfortable” on the tag for every underwire bra ever made.

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    judy recently posted And THAT's Why You Don't Get A Pedicure At The IRS.

  233. Amen to the fact that we Americans are fat. Kudos to you for trying the swim suit on as I don’t think I would dare even do that.

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    Jenny Starley recently posted A Week of Freedom.

  234. 238
    Mrs.Goodnight

    It’s true about the maternity swim suits! They really do rock, and when I show up at the pool with the same one as the woman who is ten months pregnant I just stick my three-year-old in it with me. We are like a momma kangaroo and her baby, only with less fur and more people calling DFS on me.

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  235. This was hysterical, and a great way to start my morning. Not at your expense, but by the way you wove the story. I can’t even remember when I last wore a bathing suit. My sister got me a “flattering” one once, and put it on and if freaked me out. Yes, it fit, but I looked like a tropical island! It sits in the draw never to be worn again.. I would need some serious margaritas!

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  236. I love that dresser graffiti woman she needs an award from all woman.

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    Vivian recently posted Comparisons.

  237. you might like to add http://jezebel.com/ to blogs and webpages you like

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  238. OMG I just snorted tea out my nose LMAO!

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  239. Love this. That damn elastic liar.

    Like

    Lady J recently posted What Falling Up The Stairs at the Movies Taught Me.

  240. This reminded me of when I was a teenager and trying on bathing suits. I somehow got one on backwards with the straps tangled around me like a straight jacket. My mom had to rescue me. Swimsuits are the devil’s playground.

    Like

  241. Oh I forgot to say it would be cool if you made some graffiti magnets and we just snuck them into women’s dressing rooms all across the country. Cheer some people up, right?

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    Lily from It's A Dome Life recently posted I'm Prejudice Against Beautiful Women.

  242. Oh how I love my local undies shop! They allow me to pick out a dozen swimsuits, take them home to try on in air-conditioned comfort and then return the spares and pay for the ones I keep. Greece may be bankrupt but it’s empty pockets are full of lovable oddities.

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  243. ITS NOT IT’S DAMN ME!

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  244. Is that a swan? Is it supposed to represent a beautiful woman because they’re fucking evil.

    Like

  245. Ankle-length?! Hahahaha you always managed to amaze me.

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    Bronnie recently posted Spoilt.

  246. LOL, Thank you…. I needed that!!!

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    Cindy aka Yarndevil recently posted Happy Anniversary!.

  247. That is too funny. Not sure which part is better though… The sign or the needing to take a break between trying stuff on.
    I’ll go with the sign as that way my wife wouldn’t kill me for laughing at her when this happens to her trying on things.

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    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Boss Gives Employees $7,500 for Dream Vacations – The Feel Good Depot Way.

  248. There is NOTHING less dignified than swimsuit shopping. Just did some myself last week .. with a fetal salesgirl who was utterly useless. What’s with the tryptich mirrors? There’s a reason the human head doesn’t swivel around completely: WE WERE NOT MEANT TO SEE OURSELVES FROM BEHIND. And don’t get me started on that lighting…

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    Lea recently posted (Almost) Wordless Wednesday.

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