LIES

in Random Crap

I just tried on an ankle-length bathing suit and when my friend (Laura) asked me how it looked I had to tell her I looked too fat in it. We have reached new lows, America.

But then I came out of the dressing room and Laura explained that the part I was wearing as a belt was supposed to be around my boobs and then I felt fat and stupid.  Plus, I broke a sweat just trying on clothes and then I was all “MOTHERFUCKER, HOW OUT OF SHAPE DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO NEED A REST IN BETWEEN TRYING ON SWIMSUITS?”  Answer:  Pretty damn out of shape.  Then I moved one of the outfits left in the room by the woman before me and found this underneath it:

And I smiled, silently gave the graffiti woman a virtual high five, and felt for a quick moment, so much less alone.

253 thoughts on “LIES”

Read comments below or add one.

  4. Lies INDEED.

    I need to take breathing breaks walking up and down my driveway.

    This wouldn’t happen if I left my house, like, ever.

  7. I think it’s the lighting in those dressing rooms. The lights are so high and bright they make you sweaty.

  11. I can testify to that! Tried on some trousers from GV recently. “Stretches with ease”? Ha!

  14. Best. Graffiti. Ever.

    Just last week I pretty much dislocated my shoulder attempting to squeeze myself into one of those slimming one-piece bathing suits.

    At this point, I’m thinking going nude might actually look better as there would be less bulging/seam ripping involved.

  16. I though I was going to die in a dressing room the other day. They really need to make those things like walk in freezers. Seriously. We should demand it. I’m tired of getting heat exhaustion from trying on shirts in a tiny mirrored room.

  17. Heard that. I would love to try on a pair of pants and not feel like I was trying to bring back Saturday Night Fever.

  19. That graffiti needs to be everywhere.

    Where do you find ankle-length bathing suits? I could use one. Or perhaps two. Vacation in two days and Canada does NOT need to see my butt cheeks.

  20. That is wonderful!

    I nearly got stuck in a dress in a dressing room. I was on the verge of panic when I finally managed to get the damn thing off.

  21. SO BLOODY TRUE.

    Stupid sweaty dressing rooms. Makes you feel A: Fat, B: sweaty and gross, and C: really, REALLY makes you NOT want to put the clothing on because how many women felt JUST THAT WAY before you and PUT THAT ON then TOOK IT OFF AND PUT IT ON THE RACK AGAIN.

    ::Shudder::

  22. Ha! I have a theory that those so-called “slimming” swimsuits are lies too.I don’t understand where they move the displaced fat in those things.

  23. OMG. So freakin’ awesome. And for the first time EVER in my whole fat life, I found a bathing suit this summer that I didn’t hate, from some website called something like swimsuits 4 all. I recommend. 🙂

  24. I have yet to find a store that has adequate ventilation in the dressing rooms. Are they afraid we’re going to shinny up through the pipes with our clothes rather than pay for them?
    I’m convinced it’s a plot to keep us from trying on clothes in the store and then being to embarrassed to return the stuff that doesn’t fit when we try them on at home.

  25. Still firmly believe medieval torturers moved on to women’s clothing when the Inquisition ended. Swimsuits, stabby underwire, thongs…all could force confessions.

    Go graffiti woman!

  26. 3 tries purchasing bathing suits online…..OK! I know how stupid a concept in the first place! WTH?

  27. I also broke a sweat trying on bathing suits… It was discouraging. Didn’t even find anything that fit/supported be appropriately! The fashion industry hopes for bulemic women…

  28. I run 3-4 times a week and I still get sweaty when I’m trying on clothes. I’m going to the beach this weekend with my family. First time since giving birth 9 months ago. I bought a “slimming” swimsuit for the occasion, and after careful inspection of my body in said suit, I agree: LIES!

  29. This is why I just sit and watch the people at the pool. I am curious what an ankle-length bathing suit looks like, though.

  30. I hate clothes shopping. I’ve been struggling with my weight for YEARS now, after having my son. If only food wasn’t so delicious. 🙁

  31. @me_mumstheword – I read that as “I nearly got stuck in a dressing room. I was on the verge of panic when I finally managed to get the damn thing off.” and thought: “How big do you have to be to not be able to take off the dressing room!!!” (:

  32. I once got stuck (like baby Jessica in the well) in an all-in-one slimming undergarment. Took 15 minutes of sweating and writhing but I was not going to call the salesgirl to free me.

  33. when did bathing suits start being made with SO MUCH FABRIC? about the time i got fat, i guess. signed, Wearing A (Very Sexy) Tent To The Beach.

  37. Also, perhaps rather than saying “slimming”, they could just say, “This will make you not quite so chubby looking.”

  38. Love it! And I too get winded trying on clothes, especially in those tiny little rooms, with extremely hot overhead lighting.

  39. I put a comfy suit on and then a pair of men’s board shorts and a plus size Columbia sun shirt. I am just not secure with my lumpy’s.

  40. i just bought a swim dress. no lie. i’m a 35 y/o single mom, FUCKING WEARING A SWIM DRESS. the 22 year old me, spring-breaking in Key West would shudder and cry. next year, maybe swim burka.

  42. I have to disagree there, though I totally appreciate the sentiment. That Gloria Vanderbilt stuff actually stretches so much, the clothes just fall off. The ‘stretches with ease’ part is obnoxiously accurate.

  44. I hate reading these posts while I’m at work because I laugh and my co workers have NO idea what to think (they probably just think I’m insane). But I love this so much <3
    Also, Gloria Vanderbilt birthed the most beautiful man in the world. (<–that has nothing to do with this post).

  45. Where in cornbread hell did you find an ankle length bathing suit? Because I feel like I need one. Like ASAP. Then people can stop accosting me for being too pale to be out in the sun.

  46. I just spent a coughety cough cough on a “magic suit” and the only thing magic about it is that I was actually able to shimmy it over my ass. I was winded afterwards. Can you really call something magic that is just made 3 sizes smaller so that your appendages are bursting out of the leg/arm holes like a turkey day float? I want to mouth kiss the swan graffiti artist.

  47. I put on my bathing suit top BACKWARDS the other day and got stuck in the straps. I provide endless amusement for my husband. He could hardly stop laughing long enough to help me get out of it. Sigh.

  49. I love Graffiti Woman! So true. Those slimming suits are just a major pain. Personally, I prefer not to swim in a girdle! Put me down as another tankini fan! SO much easier to get in and out of, which is particularly relevant for bathroom breaks while at the pool/beach!

  51. It doesn’t help that they keep the fitting rooms at a balmy 110 degrees, so you break a sweat trying to zip up a pair of jeans. Ugh.

  52. If by stretches with ease it means squeezes you like you are 20 pounds of flour in a 10 pound bag then yes, it stretches with ease.
    You know the people that make that shit are like a size 4 that don’t need anything to stretch, except their mouth around a sandwich cause they’re hungry, cause they’re a SIZE 4

  53. I get winded trying on clothes, a lot of it is probably due to slightly panicking from imagining someone watching me change based on the many very special TV episodes on shoplifting I’ve seen.

  56. I’ve lost 20 pounds and gotten into really good shape recently. I still hate trying on clothes. It’s bullshit how much women’s sizes vary from store to store. I wear a small some places and an extra large other places. So fucking annoying.

  59. Oh Jenny, thank you SO very much for the laugh! I’ve been seriously down on myself for quite sometime because of weight issues. So having you put a lighthearted spin on these things is greatly appreciated! I can always depend on you to make me smile :O) Another lie….”one size fits all”, according to who? But then they try to make themselves feel better and change it to “one size fits most”. Which makes me feel like crap because I’m obviously a freak & an outcast for not being in the “most” category. ;o) Huh, what a crock of crappy!

  60. And this, people, is why I buy things off the internet. Because you can try them on at home. And send them back if they don’t fit. Or, keep them because you’re so depressed and agoraphobic that a) you never leave the house (see: internet shopping, above) so can’t get to a post office and b) don’t need them anyway because you never go anywhere (see (a)). But at least the trying on is fun.
    Great graffitto by the way.

  61. I love your honesty! What woman likes to admit to thousands of people that she can’t try on bathing suits without getting out of breath and breaking a sweat? I get embarrassed telling my mother!

  63. Last time I tried on bathing suits I discovered exactly where all the extra goes when you put on a “slimming” suit…my breasts were just under my nose.

  64. I have resigned to maternity suits. My youngest kid is fucking NINE. Every Monday seems like a good time to start the new program. Thank god for maternity wear.

  65. I will let you all in on a secret – two piece maternity swim suits are full of awesome especially when you aren’t pregnant! The only downside is if someone recognizes the pattern as being maternity so go for the solid colors.

  66. I’m quite disappointed in Glo right now. Elastic waist bands are evil, evil things. They look promising, and then they ruin your every hope and dream.

  67. Lies? No, the Kraft Mac and Cheese box.. the opening.. that is a lie that the Kraft company needs to admit to. That perforated area? Not so effective. Unless, of course, you aren’t sufficiently frustrated enough by dinner time, the Kraft people will provide you a very quick and easy meal that you can not open.

  68. Anderson Cooper should do an in depth investigation to uncover the Gloria Vanderbilt bathing suit deception. He should wear the black tshirt.

  69. I was the dressing room graffiti woman! OK, I wasn’t, but what are the odds she’ll show up here and post? I’m totally squatting on the dressing room graffiti credit. Um. Disturbing mental image. Anyway. You know.

  73. Am I the only person who feels robbed by the lack of ankle-length-swimsuit photos in this post?

  74. They would sell a lot more bathing suits if they would lower the lights in the fitting rooms…like to maybe OFF.

  75. Thanks so much for the laugh! I’m going on vacation to Spain with my boyfriends family in like a week and wanted to try to lose weight before then but have been sick and haven’t been able to manage it (stupid auto-immune disease) so I needed a pick me up for the thought of having to wear swimsuits while there!

  77. FYI- I did find a really great suit this year at Target. It was made by Spanx and cost $50. They had three different paisley variations in color, and it looked great. However, you can’t change the fact that your thighs are more like one large thigh, and no matter how much you spend, you are what you are. It was the first non-skirted bathing suit I have worn in about 8 years.

  80. Seriously, I need to see this ankle-length bathing suit.

    Trying on clothes as a non-standard size is shit-tastic. Things that can also die in a fire: below-the-waist pants.

  81. Stretches with ease if you are a size 2 and it is a size 6 and WTF did it need to stretch for.

  83. Oh, God, I have been putting off buying a new swimsuit even though my current swimsuit is disintegrating. This does not fill me with confidence. But it fills me with laughter! Which sometimes makes me pee a little. Thank God for those little pee strips on swimsuit bottoms.

  84. Lies indeed! I order my bathing suits through the mail now so I can try them on in regular lighting–and get assistance getting out of the damn thing if needed.

  85. I say Graffiti Woman is an automatic lifetime member of the Double Unicorn Success Club!!

    Hate bathing suits! Hate clothes shopping (always have – even when I was “skinny”). T-shirts, yoga pants, and stocking feet are my favs.

  86. I LOVE the graffiti woman! Personally, I think the whole draw-string waited skirts need to make a HUGE comeback! (There’s just something comforting about a skirt that “grows” with me!) (Plus? Long skirks mean underwwear is optional…does NOT get better than that!)

  89. I just have to tell you that I think you are the most hilarious woman on the planet. I picked up your book because I love a great memoir and it looked entertaining. Never knew I would laugh so much my stomach hurt. You rock!

  90. Oh man… I had to buy a wetsuit this spring for ocean kayaking. Talk about a struggle. Finally special ordered the NRS “Venus” style.

    But about the sweating- I swear stores now keep the dressing rooms 20 degrees hotter than they used to. Or there is no air-flow at all. Macy’s often sends me into sweaty panic-attack mode.

  91. I have a pretty normal body shape (damn sexy one, if im allowed my opinion) but even I cant stomach bthing suit shopping. pure torture. and then they shine down these overhead lights that are like “LET ME CAST SHADOWS ON YOUR ROLLS!” Im all “eff you, bathing suit dressing room. Im going to the nude beach”

  93. My bathing suit is a tankini (I absolutely hate that word, but I don’t know what else to call it.). The top has a bra in it on account of my ginormously ‘gifted’ upper carriage. Wrestling into it is something I hope no one ever sees me do. It’s just not a pretty sight and involves awkward maneuvering and possibly olive oil.

  95. …sigh… so sadly true
    I think I’d rather visit the ‘lady parts doctor’ than go suit shopping….

  96. the dressing room i was in the other day was apparently unairconditioned. because holy hell it was freaking hot in there … it was like trying to pull your jean shorts on after a dip at the beach (after you’ve gained 20 or so pounds more than the jean shorts should be required to hold.)
    and if i hadn’t needed what i was there for and needed to care for my sweet three children at home … i swear i would have laid myself down and died.
    and then i bought a swimsuit at costco … because dude. NO DRESSING ROOMS.

  98. My theory is that in this bad economy stores are turning down the A/C. That has GOT to be the reason.

    And that woman…..is my hero. Expose the hypocrites where you can. 🙂

  99. They also put cellulite in the backing behind the mirrors.
    On-line shopping is one of the great inventions of the 20th century.

  101. Yep! This makes me feel so much better! But that tag goes along with “instantly slimming”! You are not alone! I haven’t bought a new swimsuit in five years even though I have gone up and down in clothing sizes multiple times. It’s made of stretchy material! That’s my philosophy. That and the sun and I have ongoing disagreement. I have two shades white and lobster. It makes the whole two or three times I wear said swimsuit negligible. I am also that girl that keeps her shirt on.

  103. I have been trying to envision what an ankle length bathing suit looks like. All I get when I search on Amazon or Google are sarongs or scuba suits. But a sarong wouldn’t be hard to get into. So are you buying a scuba suit?

    If someone has a link to modern ankle length bathing suits, please post.

  106. Those fat control suits are like wrestling your way out of the belly of a cobra, or whatever snake that is that eats you whole. There were a bunch of pajama jeans at a local thrift store and I almost bought a pair as a joke but I knew it would be a matter of time before I started wearing them normally.

  107. I’ve honestly decided that in my internal war between “I Love Food and Liquor” and “I Want People To Think I’m Fit”, Team Food and Liquor wins every time. So I shoehorn myself into a tankini which rolls up over my gut, go to the pool with my varicose veins and drumstick thighs and say, “Fuck It, bring a Hard Mikes for me and a shot of tequila for my dignity” and read my book.

  108. When I came out from trying swimsuits on this year I felt like I’d wrestled a bear. In fact, it would have been easier to wrestle a bear INTO a swimsuit

  112. I am extremely sensitive to the sun. To the point that a sunburn can put me in the hospital. So I wear a diveskin when I want to go swimming somewhere with sun. It goes from chin to ankle to wrists. Decidedly not sexy. The trade off is that I can do something I love – swimming in open water or the ocean – without doing something I hate – spending a few days in the hospital. And for that it’s worth the stares.

    FWIW, I generally break into a sweat putting on my diveskin. Spandex is really hot until you jump in the water.

    Love your body. It’s the only one you’ve got.

  113. All these horror stories remind me of that “Emergency!” (favorite show EVAR!) episode years ago–woman got stuck in her brand-new girdle and couldn’t breathe. Poor Johnny Gage had to cut her out of it. That sucker popped him in the face like a giant rubber band.

    Ah. The fond memories of a middle-aged woman……….

  114. So I’m going to Comic-Con this weekend and hopefully will be seeing the Firefly panel. If given the chance I will ask Nathan Fillion why he will not send you a picture holding twine.

  115. For those asking about swimwear that covers to knees, I just read an article on that and it mentioned three sellers, http://www.simply-modest.com/posecom/index.php ; http://hydrochic.com/ ; and http://www.divinitasole.com/designer If you google search for either modest swimwear or muslim or jewish swimwear quite a bit comes up. I second the love for tankinis although I found a “little black dress” swimsuit that I adore and put up with the wiggling and writhing to get it off when having to go to the bathroom when wearing it.

  118. Shout it, sister – I’ll give you the AMEN!

    Went dress shopping last Sunday – not even swimsuits, mind you! Dresses! – and it was depressing, degrading, hot as hell, and I resembled one of the snapping, hissing alligators on Gator Boys because I was so irritated. Fortunately, no one was with me, so I was my own victim. But do stores really need to make it THAT bad of an experience? No, they do not and yet they continue to do so. Bastards.

  120. Bathing suit makers are pure evil. I’m not sure they’re even human. When I finally caved to buying a new suit this year, I was horrified and baffled to find that my correct swimsuit fit is apparently TWICE THE SIZE I wear in other clothes. WTF? As if I didn’t feel bad enough, standing practically naked in front of floor-length mirrors.

  121. Hilarious…and so true 🙂 I recently made the mistake of attempting to try on one of the bathing suits that promises to make you look slimmer. The sad truth is that the fat, while squeezed in at my tummy and waist, just seemed to come out at other openings of the suit. Not at all attractive. I settled on a tankini that covered my flaws, and didn’t make me want to vomit. Much better than the sausage casing I tried on first

  122. See this is why I online shop…..someday, I’m going to open a store where the dressing rooms are kept at a nice cool temperature with fans in each one so you can try clothes on without becoming a big sweaty mess. And the sizes will be REAL numbers…what’s a double zero??? How can you be more zero than zero (or would that be less zero than zero?)?? Zero = nothing…you can’t be double nothing. Plus if you are that small, you musn’t physically exist.

    Oh and this store? Will be staffed by really hot men and sassy gays (who may also be really hot) who will definitely tell you if your ass looks big in that, so you don’t waste money, time and effort on pants that are just not your pants.

  125. So, I get branding imaging and whatnot, but why am I going to believe a swan about comfort waist pants? Do they even have a waist? And who has seen a fat swan? This is bullshit. Put a hippo on that shit and I might consider taking it seriously.

  128. hehehe It’s good to see the truth every now and again – but never when trying on bathing suits. For what it’s worth, I got my swim gear at H2O this year. I bought swim pants and a vest because I just knew it was going to be an ugly season otherwise. They have lots of mix and match, but beware: they, too, may tell lies similar to the one you’ve shown.

  130. What’s up with the swan? Am I missing something? Is it the official bird of shapewear?

  131. Where does one find an ankle-length bathing suit? One of those might get me out on the beach again.

  132. I have always sweated whenever I went to try on clothes, no matter my size. And I am super pale. Super pale and sweaty = red face. I went to go try on a potential swimsuit a few weeks ago and after 5 struggles, I went to find another version. Looked in the mirror and scared myself. I think i scared everyone out of that area of the store. Like I was about blow or something. Like trying on swimsuits was not traumatic enough.

  133. whats even worst are those damn mirrors in that dressing room! They must do something to them to make me look the way I do!

  134. Getting ready for my wedding I put the ‘slimmer’ I’d bought to wear under my slinky dress on backwards. Almost cried when I saw the tummy smile the butt lifter had created with my stomach.

  135. this is why most women need to develop the same attitude of a lot of men. Who can walk down the street, bald, gut hanging over their sweat pants, and still believe they are the sexiest thing alive

  136. Right? I’ve got somewhere to be mid August – where I have to meet people and “mix in,” so I’m currently “AIMING” to fit into a goddamn size I never imagined reaching… 18! Oh, yeah, and they are Gloria Vanderbilt stretchy jeans with exact same decal – got them at Costco or Sam’s Club at “just the right price I’d pay for stuff I’ll probably never wear.” *They’ll never fit.*

  137. I just came back from a walk in the stupid heat. Since I need to get my shit together I thought I’d join a popular online weight loss program. I like the tools and stuff. Didn’t like weighing my ass.

    I am not a CFL linebacker, yet I am in the same weight category. Tears ensued. In addition to the “hide my fat shame from the world.”

    This post snapped me out of that mood. High fives for the LIES women.

  138. Personally…I think that all designers are conspiring against real women with their sizing!! EVIL!

  139. Believe it or not, THIS is why I only go clothes shopping with my husband. He knows what looks good on me better than I do. If I go shopping without him, I end up depressed and waste hours to come home with nothing. He goes with me and I end up feeling beautiful and it is all thanks to him. Yah…I’m bragging. lol!

  140. I vote for wearing shorts and baggy t-shirt in lieu of a swimsuit, but the health club out-votes me on this one. The worst thing in the world is NOT trying on bathing suits. The worst thing in the world IS actually trying to wrench the damn thing on in the dressing room of a health club without looking pathetic and fat. I lose every single time.

  141. I NEVER try anything on in a store because do I really need to know how old I am? I prefer the kinder lighting of my home, where I can continue to lie to myself.

    Best swimsuit for real women: Land’s End

  143. My brilliant idea of the day: All women should be given a mask to wear when they try on a bathing suit. This mask should make them look like their best friend. Women need the ability to look at themselves in the mirror and see someone they love, not someone whose flaws are the only thing they can focus on. Personally, I can be objective and tell my best friend if something looks good or doesn’t. I can’t do the same thing for myself.

    Brilliant idea #2: No mirrors in bathing suit dressing rooms. All bathing suit shopping must take place with a buddy. This buddy is in charge of telling you if the suit is okay or not okay. You should be able to look down and see if your business is hanging out before you walk out of the dressing room. Do you really need to start getting critical of yourself? Let your buddy be your guide.

  146. I just purchased a Land’s End swimsuit and Mary speaks the truth! It Fits nice, is Flattering and I was Finally able to smile at myself in a bathing suit! Fuckin’ A!!

  148. I love you so much!!! Thank you for the laughter you give me, and all the best stories that I make my husband and two teenage sons sit and listen to while I’m laughing so hard that I’m almost peeing myself….and then it’s mostly unintelligible…but still damn funny!

  150. True story: I worked really, REALLY hard for a year on my diet and exercise, and I lost about 50 pounds. It was time to go shopping for a new bathing suit, and my mom insisted — INSISTED — on going with me for moral support.

    Something you should know before we proceed: I’ve never been pregnant.

    I had no idea what size I needed, so I found every black bathing suit that looked like a remote possibility and grabbed it in three sizes: the one I though might be right, a bigger one, and a smaller one. After struggling in and out of, like, 32 suits, I was sweaty and disgruntled. I was PANTING from the exertion of trying to get spandex over my sweaty body. WHY ARE DRESSING ROOMS SO FREAKING HOT?!

    Anyway, I was very discouraged because nothing looked right. I was on the brink of tears. All that hard work and still, nothing fit.

    My mom looked at me and said, “Huh… All that work you did to lose weight and your stomach still looks like you gave birth to twins.”

    [meaningful silence on my part, perhaps accompanied by a glare]

    “All I mean is, it’s sad,” Mom said.

    And THAT is the best bathing suit shopping story ever.

    jeez.

  151. Yep right up there with “tummy control top.” First of all I am not five. Second, I hope the bastard that invented those winds up unloved in a ditch someday.

  152. After giving birth, I held off on trying on suits for a year. When I finally had no choice, I went with my sister, who chose a “slimming” black Calvin Klein that looked promising.

    I put it on, looked in the mirror, and burst in to tears. Inconsolable. The only thing that bathing suit slimmed was my boobs.

  155. It is funny, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the poor associate that gets to go in an clean up after the lazy ass that left that gem for you to find.

  157. LOL. Having recently been swimsuit shopping, I feel your pain. And I applaud graffiti woman, wherever she may be.

  159. Absolutely hilarious! So true! I agree, I hate buying/trying on bathing suits. So evil!!!

  160. Today, is a very special and sad day for me. I just finished a 5+ month long project of reading all of your blogs from the very beginning to current. (I found you through Wil and Anne Wheaton on Twitter and fell in love immediately.)

    Anyway, I’m sad that I’m done.. as I turned the corner from Dec ’11 to Jan ’12 I started to slow down and savor them because I knew the end was near. I blazed through your book. (I’ve read it twice, once on my Kindle and the hard bound version as well.) And I have plans to read what you’ve got on the Sexi’s site as well. Maybe the Houston Chronicle mommy blogs too, although my two boys are grown and in College already.

    Anyway, I just wanted to pop in for the first time ever and let you know that I’m a new(ish) fan.. and say thank you. You’ve given me hours of laughter, head nodding, tears and entertainment in general. I have links bookmarked to some of your favorite things that I plan to go through as well, (Dadcentric, The Sneeze, Hyperbole and a Half, Cancer Diva). So I am especially grateful that you have opened paths into new and interesting things to me as well. Never stop being you. You are pretty awesome in my humble opinion.

  161. Hey, Lillian. I’m about where you are, after more years than I really care to think about, in about 8 months I’m down from a 26 to a nearly 16. For jeans in our sizes you really can’t do much better than Lane Bryant, particularly if you want/need a little er…”flattening” in front. They dont’ have many options, mostly just straightleg, bootcut or flare and only about one or two colors (usually only one) but hey…jeans that fit and look pretty good? I’ll take that trade-off. Also good are JAG jeans, which I’ve only found at JC Penny’s and Von Maur, but the last time I looked at those, the price had exploded and the creeping crap phenomenon was starting to invade, because there’s nothing quite like a sz 26 ass covered in sequins and rhinestones, is there? Prices at LB generally aren’t too terrible, and you can get killer deals if you get you measurement for their jean sizing system done in one of the stores and then buy at the online outlet. Like really truly extremely good deals. Like I got a good pair of jeans for four dollars this past February good.

    Don’t ever trust thier bra sizing, though.

  162. Katrina has the right idea. I vote we all swim/lay out nude, as long as she goes first.

  163. Seriously… I get bagged playing fetch with my dog. While I’m stationary on the chaise lounger.

    It’s a new, all-time low form of laziness.

    I also refuse to buy new bathing suits and just keep using the side-tie ones I had when I was thinner. Or, choose to go to a nude beach and then the naked, waxed 60 year old men make you look FABULOUS in comparison.

    You’re welcome!

    =====

  164. I’m pretty sure Beyonce did this. She puts on a black cape while you and Victor are sleeping and stamps her Bird of Truth onto dressing room walls for the good of humanity.

  165. Those suits really piss me off. Because it’s all really a very simple physics problem. My very unscientific research shows that fat displacement occurs regardless of the strength of the spandex involved. In other words, the fat doesn’t disappear, that shit has to go somewhere!

  166. Isn’t an ankle-length swimsuit a wetsuit? Or is it the first true swim-suit? That’s an invention just waiting to be exploited. An entire suit made of swimming suit material. This is gold people.

  168. I can’t stop laughing!

    I have severe eczema. I have to wear a wetsuit looking outfit, with SPF 75 in the material, to swim. It is from a sun protection online store called Coolibar. The bad news: I look like a loser, with long pants and long sleeves to swim. The good news: all that fabric covers my wobbly bits. So I don’t have to shop for swimsuits!!

  169. This hurts my heart. If you wanna get together and have wine slushies while we discuss the merits of ascribing our worth to our body size (the secret is, there are none), I’m available.
    I won’t share the entire torrid affair I’ve been through, twenty years running, but I often wonder: When I’m on my deathbed, will I hate myself for all of the agony over weight and physical appearance I’ve put myself through? I’m convinced that I would deeply regret it if I kept holding on to that much self-loathing. Easier said than done, to be sure. Let’s try though, shall we dear? We’re both TOO bad-ass.

  171. I once retardedly thought trying on swimsuits while on my period was a good idea. HAHAHAHAHAHA No. An entire universe of No. I think next time I’ll drink before attempting it. At least then I won’t care how shitty I look.

  173. You really need to post a link to an ankle length swimsuit. I have lupus and I’m photosensitive, so I have to cover myself from head to toe or I’ll break out in a rash and feel sick. I got stares when we went to Maui last year. I wanted to say “What, haven’t you ever seen someone swim in a UV long sleeved top, pants, hat and gloves? ” I really wanted a burkini because there are some really cute designs out there but the prices were too high. You should get a burkini.

  174. What, you mean most people DON’T break a sweat trying on clothes? Pfft, I don’t believe you.

    Oh, add in some grunting, panting, muffled sobs, and a theraputic* stop at Haagen Daas on the way back to your car, and you’d have every single clothes shopping experience I have ever had.

    *That word doesn’t look right. It’s way easier to add a footnote than to Google the correct spelling, so I might never know if it’s right…

  175. I’m not terribly convinced that “graffitti woman” is not YOU. LMAO. Fight the power.

    Fucking ankle-length swimsuits? Where’s the picture of THAT? Sounds like it’d be as hard to get into as Spanx, and that’s workout-level sweating to encase your sausage in that shit.

  179. I have had 3 kids. I will never wear a swimsuit again. Unless they decide to start handing out free tummy tucks. Then we’ll see.

  180. I have to buy bathing suits with underwire because my boobs are so tiny that I look like a 12 yr old. I’m 26 and I can’t wear a bathing suit unless it has support to make me look adult enough. Sad and embarrassing.

  182. I recommend board shorts and a tankini…easily converts from swimwear to going-for-a-walk-right-to-the-damn-frozen-yogurt-bar-cause-I’m-all-sweaty-from-trying-on-lying-clothes-wear

  183. I think it’s worth mentioning, I decided to google “ankle length bathing suit”, and found no actual examples of such, but this page is already on the first page of results.

    Well done, Jenny. _Well done._

  184. We need a link to where one would purchase said ankle-length swimsuit!

  188. Trying on a swimsuit in what you think is your size based on what you normally wear, but turns out to be at least two or three sizes too small, is a humiliating experience, I just went through it not too long ago for a picnic for my husband’s employer. Fortunately my husband was able to find a bottom that looked like shorts so it just had to fit well enough to not slide off while in the water and a top that was actually loose instead of tight and covered all of my stomach when he came with me the next day in another store because I burst into tears in the dressing room of the first store and had come really close to telling him I wasn’t going.

    It takes a strong/brave man to look through the women’s swimwear with all of the not actually old enough to be wearing a bikini but they seem to feel like they must, and not feel out of place. When I was 14 the last thing I would have wanted to go in the pool in was a bikini, what gives!

  193. I noticed the other day that Lee jeans all said, “Instantly slims you,” even on the size fours. Which made me think, “THIS is what our country’s problem is. Even women wearing size fours think they need instant slimming. Those of us squeezing into size 12s have no chance.

  195. OMG, I think you are my long lost twin. You are so stinking funny. And that has totally happened to me.

  196. It’s all about making women feel bad about themselves so they’ll buy “beauty” products. I really like the graffito. It’s excellent.

  197. This reminds me of the time I tried on a sports bra… I thought I was going to have to steal it. I couldn’t get the F’n thing off! It took me about 1/2 hour. I was having breast surgery and the Dr. advised I buy one…. Ended up making DH wrap the girls with an ace bandage.

  198. Last time I tried on bathing suits I tore out all of the “protection” paper strips from the crotch and planted them on the mirror. Just to confuse and dismay all those Nordstrom bitches.

  200. So funny….and there are the bright neon white lights in all dressing rooms that enhance the look of cellulite on the thighs!

  202. I just don’t put on a bathing suit ever. Water is overrated unless you’re drinking it. Direct sunlight on large swaths of exposed skin is bad for everyone, not just vampires. Problem solved.

  203. I’m petite and translucent so I just look like the walking undead on a holiday from the crypt.

    Last Summer I was at the beach sitting in about 4 inches of water and I noticed my legs were glowing like a creature from the depths of the sea who emit their own light. I looked like a damn fishing lure.
    I heard the theme from Jaws so I retreated to my towel…

  205. I’m in shape. I’m pretty damn in shape. And I break a sweat trying on clothes, ESPECIALLY swimsuits. They’re designed to be ridiculously hard to get into and get out of and just wear. It’s the stretchy material — it’s a trifecta of tightness, stickiness once the least amount of sweat has been produced, and just general pinchiness once it’s on you. Seriously, swimsuits could give Copernicus a lesson in deranged hugs.

  206. And now I’m going to give you a virtual high five. The fashion & beauty industries are conspiring against us- we must all join forces and rebel!!

    Oh and I’m pretty sure that thing is supposed to be a swan but I totally see Beyonce instead.

  208. I swear this same sticker and graffiti is in the TJMaxx in Kansas City, MO. Who ever she is, she’s telling truth around the country!

    xoxoxo

  209. This is beautiful! Swimsuits are the devil. I think people who have a fear of crowds and water are actually really smart cause THEY don’t have to go trying these stupid things on.

    *high five*

  211. The fashion industry is probably right behind politicians in number of lies told to women. Both harmful, but in different ways. Usually.

  214. Oh…you are never alone. Especially when trying on bathing suits – the worst torture of the fashion world. (And this coming from someone who just agonized over squeezing into a bridesmaid dress.)

    When I lived at the beach, the worst part wasn’t just trying on bathing suits, it was trying on bathing suits in the company of cute, fit co-eds. I can glory that they’ll lose their shape in time, but WHY DO I FEEL LIKE I’M COMPETING WITH THEM!

  216. I am so fucking glad I’m not the only one who has to take a rest in between trying on swimsuits. Also, I’d just about rather do anything on this sweet earth than try on swimsuits. Haha!

  218. The same could be said for the Lee jeans….I mean they’re fine in the waist…but if you have thunder thighs with a slight poochy thing on the inner thigh area? Forget about it. That shit will only stretch for about 3 months before it rips through and then on top of being fat you have rub burns.

    Thank God skirts are so much more forgiving.

  219. I bought a pair of men’s spanks once on a whim and I’m actually in really good shape. I thought I was slowly being strangled at the crotch and bladder.

  221. Ahh, the struggle of clothes shopping. Story of my life. It’s always good to know you’re not alone, though.

  223. You crack me up! Swim suit shopping is awful no matter what size you are. Now I just order several online and try them on at home – ship back the ones that don’t fit. That way you can have a booze slushy, or two, while trying them on and there’s always the option of taking a nap between suits 🙂

  224. Perhaps the next time you go shopping you should leave your black sharpie with Victor. Just sayin’
    I do love the graffiti though.

  229. I needed this post today in the worst way so thank you.

    You may have just created the fat lady anarchy dressing room graffiti society.

  230. Boldest lie in all women’s clothing——–“one size fits all.” I want to put a condom display out there with condoms that are all about 18 inches long and mark it “one size fits all.” It would be just as accurate.

  231. You’re braver than I am, I haven’t tried on a bathing suit in YEARS.
    Wait – there was a belt you’re supposed wear around your boobs? What kind of clothing store was this anyway?

  232. I’ve been saying for years I need a full body swimsuit-down to the ankles. I just want to cover up all of what I’ve got going on!

  234. It’s like putting on spanx. You need to plan ahead, add an extra 25-30 minutes to your time allotted for dressing, and give anyone in the house a heads up, so when they hear the groaning and thrashing around they don’t think you’re being killed. Also, you’ll need a fan to stand in front of to dry the sweat from your labor, and never apply your makeup until AFTER you have applied your spanx… otherwise it will melt off your face, and probably be all over your carpet from the 10 minutes you rolled around on the floor, trying to get them up after you fell from trying to jump your way into them for the first 15 minutes.

  236. I need to find graffiti woman and pay her to mark “f**king uncomfortable” on the tag for every underwire bra ever made.

  237. Amen to the fact that we Americans are fat. Kudos to you for trying the swim suit on as I don’t think I would dare even do that.

  238. It’s true about the maternity swim suits! They really do rock, and when I show up at the pool with the same one as the woman who is ten months pregnant I just stick my three-year-old in it with me. We are like a momma kangaroo and her baby, only with less fur and more people calling DFS on me.

  239. This was hysterical, and a great way to start my morning. Not at your expense, but by the way you wove the story. I can’t even remember when I last wore a bathing suit. My sister got me a “flattering” one once, and put it on and if freaked me out. Yes, it fit, but I looked like a tropical island! It sits in the draw never to be worn again.. I would need some serious margaritas!

  244. This reminded me of when I was a teenager and trying on bathing suits. I somehow got one on backwards with the straps tangled around me like a straight jacket. My mom had to rescue me. Swimsuits are the devil’s playground.

  246. Oh how I love my local undies shop! They allow me to pick out a dozen swimsuits, take them home to try on in air-conditioned comfort and then return the spares and pay for the ones I keep. Greece may be bankrupt but it’s empty pockets are full of lovable oddities.

  251. That is too funny. Not sure which part is better though… The sign or the needing to take a break between trying stuff on.
    I’ll go with the sign as that way my wife wouldn’t kill me for laughing at her when this happens to her trying on things.

  252. There is NOTHING less dignified than swimsuit shopping. Just did some myself last week .. with a fetal salesgirl who was utterly useless. What’s with the tryptich mirrors? There’s a reason the human head doesn’t swivel around completely: WE WERE NOT MEANT TO SEE OURSELVES FROM BEHIND. And don’t get me started on that lighting…

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