me: You know what I hate? Those toe shoes.
Victor: You hate ballet slippers?
me: No, I mean those sneakers that have all the toes separated.
me: I feel like they’re discriminatory to people with webbed feet.
Victor: You mean webbed toes?
me: Both, I guess. I just don’t see why I need to show off that my toes can separate. It feels showy.
Victor: I get it. But maybe that’s your only good feature and you really need to show it off.
me: Thanks, asshole.
Victor: No, not you you. I mean the universal you. Maybe some people have nothing better to show off than their lack of webbed toes.
me: True. I guess I shouldn’t take that away from them. From now on when I see people wearing these shoes I’m going to high five them and be like “Congrats for not having webbed toes!” because they probably don’t get that enough.
Victor: Technically I’d like that high five right now.
me: You don’t have webbed toes?
Victor: We’ve been married for 17 years and you still don’t know that I don’t have webbed toes?
me: I never noticed. You don’t own any of those toe shoes.
Victor: THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE WEBBED TOES. Wait, do you have webbed toes?
me: You know, I once thought that I did but that maybe I’d stretched out the webbing. Like maybe my toes are supposed to be a foot long but the webbing starts an inch up.
Victor: Stop talking.
me: ‘Kay. Hey, congrats on not having webbed feet.
Victor: You too, buddy.