Conversation I had with Maile in the dressing room of a store that had nothing that fit me correctly:
me: EVERYTHING IS TOO SHORT ON ME. I want to open a new store called “Two More Inches”. All of the clothes would have two more inches of sleeve, chest and hem. I would totally shop there.
Maile: My shrink says we need to learn to appreciate our finer points. Like you have excellent nail beds.
me: And your elbows are totally sexy.
Maile: Aw. Thanks, girl.
Me: And if back fat were boobs I would totally have four boobs.
Maile: WHICH WOULD MAKE YOU THE SEXIEST WOMAN EVER. We need to make lingerie to show off our back boobs. Like a bra with four cups.
me: Mine would be a DD in the front and a budding A cup in the back. Technically men are totally missing out on two extra boobs. It’s just the nipples that are missing.
Maile: Right? Stop getting so hung up on nipples, assholes.
me: Plus, your back boobs would never get breast cancer. Who gets back cancer, amIright?
Maile: Yeah. Why doesn’t anyone ever get back fat cancer? Or finger cancer. You never hear about anyone who lost a pinkie to cancer.
me: I like the boob idea. Plus, skinny teenage girls would finally feel jealous of us.
Maile: And we could be like “Just be patient. Your back boobs will come in eventually. It just takes time.”
me: Time and enchiladas.
Maile: EXACTLY. And when you feel hungry you can just say that you’re building up your back boobs. BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ARE.
me: So basically eating enchiladas now makes you sexier.
Maile: Someone bring us a Nobel prize.