Back boobs

in Random Crap

Conversation I had with Maile in the dressing room of a store that had nothing that fit me correctly:

me:  EVERYTHING IS TOO SHORT ON ME.  I want to open a new store called “Two More Inches”.  All of the clothes would have two more inches of sleeve, chest and hem.  I would totally shop there.

Maile: My shrink says we need to learn to appreciate our finer points.  Like you have excellent nail beds.

me:  And your elbows are totally sexy.

Maile:  Aw.  Thanks, girl.

Me: And if back fat were boobs I would totally have four boobs.

Maile:  WHICH WOULD MAKE YOU THE SEXIEST WOMAN EVER.  We need to make lingerie to show off our back boobs.  Like a bra with four cups.

me:  Mine would be a DD in the front and a budding A cup in the back.  Technically men are totally missing out on two extra boobs.  It’s just the nipples that are missing.

Maile:  Right?  Stop getting so hung up  on nipples, assholes.

me:  Plus, your back boobs would never get breast cancer.  Who gets back cancer, amIright?

Maile:  Yeah.  Why doesn’t anyone ever get back fat cancer?  Or finger cancer.  You never hear about anyone who lost a pinkie to cancer.

me:  I like the boob idea.  Plus, skinny teenage girls would finally feel jealous of us.

Maile:  And we could be like “Just be patient.  Your back boobs will come in eventually.  It just takes time.”

me:  Time and enchiladas.

Maile:  EXACTLY.  And when you feel hungry you can just say that you’re building up your back boobs.  BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY ARE.

me: So basically eating enchiladas now makes you sexier.

Maile: Someone bring us a Nobel prize.

194 thoughts on “Back boobs”

Read comments below or add one.

  3. It would totally make teenage girls jealous. You should invent the 4 cupped bra. Lots of women would buy it. Love the blog. Hilarious!

  4. And remember, NOTHING shows off back boobs better than a bridesmaids dress! We can all only hope to be asked to be bridesmaids at this point in our lives and and revel in the fact that we’ll be sexier than the bride : )

  5. Awesome! I totally feel better already 🙂 and I want to go shopping with yall next time!!

  7. If I had a Nobel prize in my back pocket, it would be all yours. But not my back boobs – if they’re about to get sexy, I’m keeping those!

  8. I thought I was the only one with freakishly long arms and too much body on my torso for tops to reach my belly button. I avoid clothes shopping but would definitely shop at ‘Two More Inches’. I’ve long thought that back boobs were underappreciated. Bring in the double trouble bra, I say.

  11. Let’s be honest, here, you are a genius. I would totally shop at that store and I would participate in the drive they had every year to “Prevent Back Cancer”—give until it hurts! 😉

  17. Can I just say how much I love you? You are so funny. I would love to just be able to over hear every conversation you have. Just reading your posts I laugh so hard I cry. 🙂

  18. I think a store called “Two More Inches” would end up attracting and then disappointing a lot of men.

  20. Maybe you could get a picture of Nathan Fillion holding those! Winning!

  21. I had tumor removed out of my fingertip (they had to remove the fingernail first) and another one in another fingertip that needs to be taken out. Just thought you might want to hear that.

  24. Thank you, you just made my day, back boobs it is then and I certainly qualify 🙂

  26. I bet more men would be willing to slow dance if women had boobs on their backs.

  27. If I don’t see stick-on back-boob-nipples in your shop within a week, I will be very, very surprised.

  28. Yes! Can we also change Plus sized clothes to something like, Not Lacking.

  30. So your enchiladas bring all the boys to the yard?

    Fucking AWESOME…I’m lactose intolerant, so the milkshake thing never worked for me. But I’m all about good texmex food…

  31. I would have to have a two less inches store, as I am short and kinda round so everything is always to long if it fits other places. Sleeves and pants need just two inches less and I would me good to go. Maybe we could put our stores next to each other. Then we could corner the market. Oh and then we need a shoe store that sells shoes in different sizes. Like I need a 7 on one foot and a 6 1/2 on the other. That would be awesome.

  33. I refer to my back boobs as “wings o’fat”…I think if I ate just a few more enchis I might be able to fly. In a magical, Pegasus-like way, of course.

  36. We need a store that will take the 2 inches that everything is *too long* on me and add it on to your clothes. Then we’d all be happy!

  43. This is where I lost it:
    “Maile: And we could be like “Just be patient. Your back boobs will come in eventually. It just takes time.”
    me: Time and enchiladas.”
    I’m so going to end up getting fired if I don’t stop reading your blog at work.

  44. If you had back acne, we could technically say you have nipples for your A cups!! Just sayin

  45. Way to give Cancer more ideas, assholes…

    And “Two More Inches” could host a MYRIAD of different merchandise…..I think you’re into something here.

  46. I pretty much stopped paying attention to what I was reading after the “two more inches” part because OH MY GOD THAT’S THE BEST IDEA EVER.

  47. But you have forgotten about the side boobs. Those are the boobs that appear when you lay down. Actually, guys don’t really realize it, but our whole torso is comprised of boobage.

  52. I’m 5’10”. I need 2 more inches to happen. Please, for the love of God, make it so.

  54. I definitely get the need for two more inches (that sounds so wrong. But I’d suggest Elli Di’s other store for some exes).

  57. I’m totally making enchiladas…..like right now (and the last two hours). It’s like this was meant to be.

  59. Two more inches” and “Two inches less” –perfect combo.
    It’s right up there with ‘celebrity fat transfer’ — when someone has liposuction and body-part enhancement at the same time.

  62. Do you watch How I Met Your Mother? Because they already had this idea.
    Neil Patrick Harris makes everything more awesome.

  65. If you build that 2 inches more store, I’m THERE. Being tall sucks…everything is at least 2 inches too short.

  66. Yea, if I came across a store called Two More Inches I would be expecting a totally different product. Just saying. Lol

  67. I seriously thought the title said, “Black Boobs” at first and I couldn’t imagine what it could possibly be about. This was way funnier than I expected. As a man, I’m impatiently waiting for the 4-cup bra design…get on this ladies.

  72. I need the Two Extra Inches shop too, especially in length of garment and sleeves. Chest too, but frankly, I can deal with that more easily than all of the “long sleeves” that ride up halfway to my elbows. Buh.

  73. I would tell you about my toe cancer, but you would just think I was crazy. And believe me, I get enough of that at home. Suffice to say, toe cancer is wily and you never know where it will surface (attack) next.

  75. OMG, laughing so hard it hurts!! “Time and enchilada.” I have a head start on both!

  76. If you ever open that 2 more inches store please open one in NM too. I would totally shop there.

  77. Next door to your shop I’m opening one called ‘Two inches fewer’. It’ll do really well because of all the publicity it’ll get from people arguing that it should be called ‘two inches less’. Twitter will go mad. But I’ll finally have jeans that fit.

  79. That is such a good point…why doesn’t cancer ever seem to target things we want to get rid of anyway?

    Back fat is sooooo underrated 🙂

  80. I would seriously buy shirts from the Two More Inches shop. I’m only 5’4 but about half of me is torso. I am always tugging shirts down to cover my stomach, and then my mother will tug them back up to cover my cleavage. I just can’t win!

  81. I went to New York city and got properly fitted for a bra at a wholesale lingerie shop by an orthodox woman who is my new hero. She got me into some bras and a corset that totally eliminate my budding As…I was overjoyed at the time. Now…have I just denied myself of the next big thing?! Oy

  82. It would be interesting to see what type of shoppers would walk into a store called ‘Two More Inches’. Maybe lots of men wearing sunglasses and baseball caps.

  83. I should hook you up with my girlfriend so you guys could go into business together because if I had a nickel for every time I heard “I could use two more inches” I’d be rich.

    I’ve said too much.

  84. I totally need the Two More Inches store too… Pants I do ok finding, but they just don’t make “tall” tops! Yes, I have long monkey arms as well as long legs (and a long torso… “low rise” pants are just a joke on me!)

  85. I have always told my girlfriends I was going to open a store called “Hips and Sleeves”. It would be for real women with real bodies.

  86. How about the “I’ve had ten babies and nursed them all” style of back boobs. Rawr! Sexytown-population =My Back.

  87. Budding As? I’ve got you beat! My posterior boobs are too back-i-licious baby! I don’t think anyone can handle them! (Or would actually want to anyway.)

  88. Ha! Those new bras would make a mint…

    (And, actually, I totally have a friend who lost a finger to finger cancer. Seriously. Thankfully, she has a sense of humor about it.)

  89. Armpit boobs are properly called “armtits”, according to the daughter of a friend who was still young enough to be carried around a lot. She liked to play with mommy’s armtits. Now that I come to think of it, that little girl may be old enough now to have armtits of her own. Its the circle of life…

  90. HOW IS IT THAT NO ONE HAS MADE THE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE CONNECTION YET?!?
    Please excuse my internet-yelling, but seriously. “Sexy Back (Boobs)”.

  91. two more inches could have a men’s division too! what man doesn’t want to shop there? yessir, i need to drop by two more inches to have his pants taken out!!!

  92. I was just bitching about how short shirts are in stores. I’m not tall and still they are too short. Also can 2 more inches sell dress for us larger chested girls? If I don’t wear a tank top under a sun dress I run the risk of getting a indecent exposure ticket.

  93. You’re hilarious!

    Try Lands End for clothes with more inches. I recently got 3 dresses there that had sleeves, completely covered my boobs, and actually went all the way to my knees all at the same time!

  95. I know I’m a very horny person and I relate almost everything to sex, but I am fairly certain a store called “Two More Inches” would in fact be filled with spam. Or penis pumps. Or both.

  97. Like a sausage coming out of its casing, I’m all too familiar with the back boobs. Thanks for the guffaw!

  98. “Tired of your shirts being to short for your torso? The hem of your pants leaving you with cold ankles? Shop at TWO MORE INCHES! We can fix all your clothing needs! Also, when men see you in our back bras, our clothing won’t be the only thing with a couple extra inches on them.”

    My back boobs and thighs of hate and doom are sold!

  99. Dude, we need to shop together. We’ll always buy matching outfits because you can totally have two inches from all my stuff. Seriously, I’m 5’2″ and I was once shopping in a store specifically for petite people (hello, Petite Sophisticate) and even there… where shit is supposed to fit me, I was told that really, I’d need to find something classified as a mini-skirt to even attempt a knee length. Apparently I have no thighs… length wise, definitely length wise. Width is not an issue. lol My friends look at the super cute dresses for the young girls that ONLY cover their asses… totally okay for me cause that shit is catholic school approved on my stubs.

  100. We have totally got to promote this idea. I already have fabulous boobs in the front, but we could convince the skinny chicks that back boobs are cool 🙂 It would be so worth it…and I could finally stop hating my back fat.

  102. I think you should re-think the name of the store – otherwise you might have a lot of guys showing up;)

  103. Is there going to be a bouncer to keep out all the creeps looking for 2 more inches of . . . ahem . . . big metal chicken? Maybe it should be “2 More Inches . . . Of Clothes, You Goddman Perv.” Jazzy, biting & to the point – as all slogans should be.

  105. Wait don’t you have like a stick on nipple. couldn’t you… oh this is sick sorry. (back nipples?)

  106. My pat answer from now on for everything is going to be, “Time and enchiladas.” It’s really kind of the answer to a better life… what do we need? More time and more enchiladas. My life is complete.

  107. I’m very short. I need four inches off everything! Took Home Ec in junior high thinking I’d never need it and I have to spend time hemming everything. Well, except for the length of blouses. Nature blessed me with HUGE boobs (triple D’s) and I need all that extra material over them.

  110. 4 boobs makes that chick from Total Recall so much lamer. If only you had realized this stroke of genius before comic con I wouldn’t have had to hear all about her “cool prosthetic”

  111. This week I keep stumbling across diet advice…first the quesadilla diet, now enchiladas for sexy body sculpting…that’s it, I’m starting the Chimichanga-A-Day plan!

  112. When my metabolism craps out and I inevitably gain weight, I plan to cover each and every bit of fat with bras. Then I won’t be fat–I will just be very rich in breasts.

  113. I think that the sexy label only applies if you have some type of sauce dripping down your chin while the back boobs are being supported and the enchilada is being inhaled.

    At least, that would get ME all hot and bothered. YOWSA!

    I also need friends like yours.

    Best.changeroom.conversation.ever.

  116. And now you folks with the lady-bits know how to get husbands and boyfriends to go ballroom (or country western I don’t judge) dancing with you. Because nothing can be quite as fun as totally copping a feel on back boobies with your right hand IN PUBLIC and it GETS you wifey points.

    You… did know this is the only reason any straight man ever engages in touch dancing, yes?

  117. Actually, not to long back I read about finger cancer. It was actually cancer of the nail bed, which is ON the finger, but whatever. Apparently those ultraviolet lights that they use in nail salons to harden gel manicures can cause cancer of the nail beds, so now I don’t get gel manicures anymore. Not that I got them all that often before, like maybe I’ve had three in my entire life, so no more and I haven’t exactly lost anything and hopefully I haven’t already gotten nail bed cancer.

  118. As someone who no longer has ANY nipples due to asshole breast cancer, I fully support your body positive endorsement of back boobs. I don’t have those either, but as someone with no boobs at all, I will now be insanely jealous of anyone with extra boobs. <3

  119. I need the “two fewer inches” store. Everything that fits over my front boobs and my back books has sleeves that go to my knees. (And if it fits over my enormous butt boobs it covers my feet.)

  120. The other day I was thinking about how the heavier I get, the more symmetrical I become. I mean think about it – back boobs, plus if I wear pants that are too small I get a front butt too! And symmetry is beauty! 🙂

  122. My ex got a back fat tumor. Absolutely not fucking with you. Too bad it was begnine…

  123. After you accept your Nobel Prizes, you might note that 99% of the customers to your “Two More Inches” store will be men.

    Leveraging back boobs pales to insignificance when compared to the other thing.

    Not that size matters.

    You tell us that all the time.

    Before mocking us with your girly friends and their back boobs.

  128. You could just combine the “Two More Inches” with “Two Less Inches” and have a store called “Give Or Take Two Inches”. Then have the shoe department that someone was talking about where there’s only one shoe in a box and you can mix and match your sizes to fit your feet perfectly. I think you’re onto something here…

  129. I would absolutely shop at 2 more inches — being tall with orangutan arms totally sucks. I constantly look as though everything shrank or I hit a sudden growth spurt. Capris are fine, but not really so great in the winter.

  132. backboobs. and then i spit up my drink. totally going to get me a plate of pure chocolate in order to make myself more sexy.

  133. Thank the flying spaghetti monster that women are finally coming out of the dark about the perils of back fat. Although, it looks like we’ve just been missing the totally awesome 4 boob side of it all. It’s all about the marketing…

  134. Did something happen where I can’t share your blogs via Facebook anymore? Bummer!

  135. How awesome would it be for women to have two boobs in the back to dance with? It’s a dream really.

  136. This is hilarious! I have been pondering for years about what to do about my back fat! Now I know I need to just invent a 4 cup bra and that will solve the problem—-that and add some extra sour cream to that enchilada!!!

  138. I am so down for two more inches on everything. Or four. We can always hem, but we can’t ADD FABRIC, assholes.

    Also, I know a guy who lost a finger to cancer. It was his middle finger so every year he celebrates “giving cancer the finger”. Cancer is never good, but that’s pretty much the most awesome/amusing cancer ever.

  142. I just want to say that I will read your blog about once a week, especially when I am feeling glum or plain ole’ depressed and it always makes me feel better. There are some days I laugh til I cry and it helps immensely! Thank you for just being you and sharing it with others!

  143. I am totally going to start turning all of my ‘flaws’ into assets other people don’t have and should be jealous of!

  144. Might I suggest that we have a store that has both 2 more AND 2 less inches? I’m one of the more vertically challenged folks and I need 2 less inches on all my pants! Could probably use the 2 extra inches to accommodate my back boobs and mommy tummy though 😉

  151. Omg I love your posts. If you have 4 budding back boobs does that make you catwoman? I think I could suckle a small litter 😉

  152. omg all the comments have me laughing just as much as your blog post did. you are fan-freaking-tastic! back boobs and enchiladas, you made my day 🙂

  153. You can always buy extra nipples you know. I saw some the other day actually. They were $12.95- for a pair.
    I was going to buy a pair in attempt to have mine no longer point to Rio; however then I realized I’d have 4.

  154. Think about how many GUYS would shop at a store called Two More Inches! Whatcha got for US? I’m so THERE!

  155. I could totally go for a store that is two less inches. Everything is too long on me. LOL, want to trade?

  156. Thank you, Jenny. I’m having a low day, not feeling the best about myself and thinking of myself as unattractive, and this made me smile.

  157. I just wear a t-shirt that says “I used to be TOTALLY HOTTER. Just think about it for a sec. You’ll see it.” Works for me.

  158. Yes to Two More Inches!!! (In all kinds of ways, really…) I am not tall, nor am I long-torsoed. However, my giant amazing rack means that by the time shirts and dresses make their way over and back to my (much, much smaller) rib cage and waist area, they have lost half their length. Or something scientific like that — anyway, the end result is I am always ordering the Tall version of all shirts whenever possible so that they make it as far down as I would prefer. Also, I am not hip, I guess, and I like all my skirts to fall _just_ below the knee, which generally requires basically exactly two additional inches of skirt. So I’m on board with this all the way.

  159. NEVER EATING ENCHILLADAS AGAIN,…even though my green chili ones ARE TO DIE FOR

  161. I think mini skirts really look good in you. You are a long legged girl, and that’s what made you look like a model! So sexy!

  162. So, you can totally have my two inches because I need a store that’s called “2 less inches” and I’m not talking petites because you can not be fat and short. Clothing manufacturers just don’t allow it.

  163. My mom had cancer in her toe. They took it out, so she had to come up with something more interesting to have wrong with her. Now I think that’s her hobby. Plus, now if my toe ever hurts, I wonder if I inherited toe cancer.

    My life is weird. Thank you for helping me see I’m not theonly one. lol

  164. Two More Inches also sounds like it would get a LOT of mis-hits for people looking for dick enlargement that actually works.

  165. A store named “Two More Inches” would attract the wrong kind of clientele me thinks.

    (sigh) if only you were referring to 2 more inches of height …

  166. Well. I was going to try to lose some of the weight I have packed on this summer by guzzling endless bottles of cold beer but screw that! I am embracing the back boob.

  168. Some friends and I used to say we were going to open a women’s clothing store called “OddBodies.” Instead of departments like “Juniors” and “Misses” ours would be “fat and short” or “tall with big boobs” or “huge butt.” It would just be so much easier to call it what it is. What the fuck is “Misses” anyway???

  170. Well, I always talk about extra boobs when the bra is too small..kinda squeaks out the top, ya know?

  171. The only problem that I see is that skinny bitches would totally be jealous of our enormous back boobs and then would start getting back boob implants! Then we’d have to complete with silicone implant back boobs, which really couldn’t compare to our natural back boobs, but we’d still develop an unnatural self-consciousness about our back boobs and then the cycle would continue…

  172. I just have to tell you, I just finished your book and it was fantastic. The ex lax rapist chapter had me laughing so hard I was silent laughing and crying. Thank you for sharing your stories with us:)

  173. As someone who is 5’9″ with a large chest, I would totally appreciate a store called ‘Two More Inches’.

  174. I just recently “discovered” you and your book and I’m so glad I did! I breezed through the book and laughed my ass off, stopping to read a chapter here and there to my husband. And even when he didn’t care, he laughed his ass off too. And now you’re a daily blog read for me. Thank you Jenny Lawson for sharing your stories. If you’re interested, I run a small review blog and reviewed the book here: http://www.areyouonthefence.com/2012/08/lets-pretend-this-never-happened.html

  175. I have to be honest… I didn’t read this post, but I did just finish your book and wanted to share with you how it ended with me. It was almost as if you planned it. I was laying in my hammock. It has been so freaking hot but today was overcast and kind of chilly. Anyways, I was determined to have the book finished before it got dark. Just as I started reading the part about the truth of underwater squirrels, I heard a rustling in the tree above me. Then within two minutes the evil squirrel in the tree started bombing me with nuts from the tree. I ran inside to tell my parents but they just shook their wads much like I imagine victor would. My mom even asked if I saw a squirrel. I went back outside to get my shoes and I kid you not, a huge but landed just where I had been laying in the hammock. The evil squirrel almost got me.

  176. You know how they say when you’re old, you have to decide whether you want to look good coming or going? Cuz if you’re thinner you look good from the back, but your face is all scrawny and pinched. But if you’re a little meatier, your face and boobs look great, but your behind is too fluffy? Back boobs can help you look good coming AND going! Not that you’re old. Just something to think about, for when you’re old.

  179. I was walking behind a woman blessed with back boobs this past weekend and it looked as if she had back nipples…and it was cold in the building. I couldn’t take my eyes away, and unfortunately my phone has a terrible camera otherwise you would be receiving the photo now.

  180. I, also, am changing my general all-purpose answer to “Time and enchiladas”. My old general all-purpose answer was “Sometimes ‘y’ and ‘w'”.

    I now feel deprived that even though I’m on the far side of 60, I still have no back boobage (except for shoulder blades). I am, however, developing some very nice tricep flesh flags to wave when I wave.

  181. My husband actually had a sort of finger cancer. He had to have a tumor removed. Not only did he have finger cancer, but more embarrassingly it was a type that usually only babies and pregnant ladies get.

  182. Actually, I’ve had a small, annoying pain in my thumb all day today. I’m 99% sure it is either finger cancer or a tiny parasite eating the bone. So there. I’ll update you if I lose the finger – good thing I have two thumbs and the space bar is long.

  183. Very nice, indeed. Don’t forget about budding thigh cleavage– in the right light and position you could be gunning for two more “boobs.”

  184. You might want to add a disclaimer line underneath the Two More Inches title if you want to avoid attracting males with insecure relationships to their junk. Just a suggestion.

  185. Damn, I only get three boobs on account of stupid-ass cancer stealing one and making me use my back fat boob to replace it. Oh well, I’ll still totally rock the triple boob look. ;0)

  186. True fact: one of my relatives was involved in a malpractice lawsuit where a patient got middle finger cancer and his whole middle finger had to be amputated and now he can’t flip people off.
    Moral of the story: beware finger cancer, or else you may wind up tragically unable to give people the double deuce.

  187. Props to Maile for having sexy elbows – that’s a hard area to rock once you’re over 40 (just a little FYI).

  188. OMG I did have a finger tumor as a teenager! My finger grew this huge tumor, it looked like it was pregnant. I had to have it removed. The surgery was way cool. They wrapped my arm up in bandages until all the blood drained out and then I watched as they took the tumor out. It was pretty cool. But actually I didn’t look after I lost feeling in my arm, I just looked at the wall with the little window on it. I was a wussy teenager. Luckily it was not cancer. The scar on my left pointer finger is seriously how I tell my right from left. I went 16 yrs without being able to do that. And this post reminded me of that period of time. Which is awesome because I got to totally gross people out with my finger tumor. Thanks! 🙂

  189. My ex boyfriend’s sister got back cancer. When he told me I was all “Dude, we aren’t dating anymore. You don’t have to make up lies about why we can’t hangout.” And he was all “She has fucking back cancer, you heartless cunt!” Then I was like “Oh. That sucks. My bad.”

  190. I would also shop there. And if back boobs are getting sexy, I’ll be the sexiest bitch EVER. Plus, if enchiladas make it better, that’s a bonus. Of course, I’d have to move back to Texas, because I haven’t eaten a decent enchilada since I moved away from there.

  191. Yummm…enchiladas….

    Of course, all I could think of while reading that post, other than my awesome enchiladas, was the fact that Captain Kirk ALWAYS fucked the green bitch with the three boobs.

    Stop laughing. I’m weird. Suck it. LOL

  192. I hate to rain on your parade (and I DO enjoy your blog) but having back fat = welcome to obesity. And as well, MANY studies have correlated obesity levels DIRECTLY to cancer, all types: brain, bone, breast, blood, bladder, colon, the whole spectrum. Start splitting those enchiladas with your mate, and split a salad, too.

    And on a side note, if ” All of the clothes would have two more inches of sleeve, chest and hem.” is true, maybe it’s time to realize you’re actually a size or two larger than you’re currently wearing.

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Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

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