UPDATED: That last one was a bluff so it’s probably good that they passed. I can’t even keep a dog alive, much less a sasquatch.

Today I’m in Minneapolis doing a reading and a signing.  Come?  While I’m gone I’m sharing some old posts.  This one is from 2010:

Paraphrased email between me and a marketer.  The sad thing is that this is only slightly paraphrased:

Them: We would like to buy a text ad on your blog.

me: Ok. It’s $75.

Them: We will write a guest post on your blog with 4 embedded links to our product. We will give you $15.

me:  Um…no.

Them:  We will give you $18.

me:  No.

Them:  You will put 4 links to our product pages on your blogroll page.  We will pay you $2 per 1,000 click-throughs that result in sales.

me:  Wow.  Does this usually work for you?

Them:  You will write a review about our product.  We will send you high quality photos of the product if you agree.

me:  That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency.  I will send you a high-quality photo of me saying no to you.

Them: We are not currently paying for marketing but your readers would appreciate learning about our product.

me:  Nice try, Obi-Wan.  Your Jedi mind-tricks won’t work on me.

Them: This is no trick.  We can offer your readers a 10% coupon if they tweet about our product.  Your readers will thank you.

me:  You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.

Them:  This would not benefit us at this time.

me:  You will send me a dog as big as a pony and I will send you a high-quality photo of me riding it.

Them:  We have many other bloggers interested in being in this exclusive program.  If you are not interested in this program please let us know so that we can move on to our next choice.

me:  You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.

Them:  We are sorry that you are passing on this valuable opportunity to help your readers.  We will keep you in mind for future products which meet your requirements.

me:  You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox.  I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.

them:  Thank you for your time.  Your blog is not a good fit for us presently.

me:  So you aren’t interested in placing your links on my blog?

them:  Yes.  Please notify us when the links are active.

me:  You will send me a large Sasquatch.  I will send you high-quality photos of me playing Chinese-Freeze-Tag with it.

So far I have received no response.

I win.

171 replies. read them below or add one

  1. SO HILARIOUS. Thanks for making my morning.

    Like

  2. Clearly this person is in China and hasn’t responded yet because they are too busy playing Chinese Freeze Tag

    Like

    Ginny recently posted Really Justin Bieber?.

  3. Ha! What staunch negotiators.

    Like

    Nic recently posted Someone Called Me Fat — and I Survived.

  4. 4
    Pat Calchera

    Nice! I must remember this technique when dealing with people like this (I’m thinking in-laws). Thank you for my morning laugh!

    Like

  5. Ha! I can only imagine the conversation when religious sales persons (aka seventh day Adventists) come door knocking in your neighborhood!🙂

    Like

  6. “You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.” I SOLed. (*Snorted out Loud.)

    While you’re in Minneapolis, you should change the locations of your books at any Target store you can find as that’s where their corporate headquarters are.🙂

    Have fun and KNOW that you’re good at it. (You passed the pretending stage a while ago.)

    Like

    Kara recently posted Shoes – The Joke’s On You.

  7. You will send me Morgan Freeman and I will send you a high-quality picutre of his voice reading the lyrics of the latest One Direction song.

    Because its Morgan Freeman, motherfuckers.

    Like

    Christine recently posted Will you be my Brideschicken?.

  8. They fucked with the wrong blogger.

    Like

    Heretic Husband recently posted Heretic Husband And The Temple Of The Holy Spirit.

  9. You are too hilarious…..your place on this earth is to make people laugh and smile…..your karma level should be at like 100%

    Like

  10. That is ridiculous! And so, so entertaining and effective.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Warm ears for everyone.

  11. Bahhaha it’s probably how the spammers pick up girls too. “You will go home with me tonight.” Bet it doesnt work then, either..

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted Coconut Oil.

  12. lol, I wonder if you rattled their cage at all. I think those people are really cyborges. Maybe you should ask them for a picture of themselves to verify that they aren’t really cyborges, and if they are definitely need a pciture of that!

    Like

    Tonya recently posted Little Bagels.

  13. Duelling Jedi Mind Tricks For The Win.

    (gratuitous caps also ftw)

    Like

  14. What a PERFECT way to start a Friday. God – I’m still snickering here at my desk.

    Like

  15. Dear Bloggess,

    I am so looking forward to seeing you at B&N in Edina this evening. Thank you for coming to Flyover Land!

    Like

    sj recently posted The Second Amendment ~ part 2.

  16. nice. you handled that with such classiness.. Did the person on the other end of the call chuckle laugh at all??! how could they not laugh lol

    Like

    Erica B recently posted Semi-Staycation is done.

  17. Sounds a bit like me trying to convince people in NYC that I live in a town os 1100 people and th PO Box is my only mailing address, since there’s no mail delivery in towns this small. Thanks for the giggles!

    Like

    Joan Hockman recently posted Of Storms & Strep.

  18. Your readers will thank you for NOT having this crap on your blog. I’ll be sending a high quality photo of me thanking you.

    Like

    Denise Malloy recently posted How’d You Find Me?.

  19. You will send me an Emperor Penguin. I will send you high-quality photos of the two of us wearing cool shades and enjoying popsicles.

    This is a fun game!

    Like

    SarcasticNinja recently posted Gain Financial Security - Trample the Bill Collector With A Horse.

  20. But, Jenny…..they upped their offer by three whole dollars! How could you refuse??

    Like

  21. Your Jedi mind tricks are telling me to tell you to fuck off.

    Like

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted Deodorant Martini.

  22. That’s the most hilarious thing I’ve seen all week. Thanks for the laugh!

    Like

    Danielle recently posted Things that I won't miss about Summer..

  23. This. Is. Awesome. I don’t know what else to say.

    Like

    Mom In Two Cultures recently posted A Thousand Tiny Bombshells.

  24. Oh, I so need to start fucking with the clowns that send me those offers.

    Like

  25. Since, “People die of exposure” is…over-exposed, I think I will try your electric company line the next time someone asks me to donate my literary skills “for the exposure.”

    Fortunately, my blog is…under-exposed, so I don’t get come-ons like this!

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Gather Up the Fragments.

  26. Ah, yes, I recently had a similar exchange. It involved me saying no and the “person” immediately email back the terms of the agreement. Right? Apparently no is not universal. Who knew?

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted Head To Head: The ’80′s Edition.

  27. I will give you a picture of my ass and you will send me a high quality-photo of you kissing it.

    Like

    downfromtheledge recently posted Depression: The Invisible Prison.

  28. You know, I was looking for a tutorial for how do deal with online marketers. This is perfect! You should pitch this to internet marketing for dummies! I’d totally buy it.

    Like

  29. That made my week…how do you come up with this?

    Like

    Eleanor recently posted Oh look, a hairless pussy.

  30. 30
    Queen of the Weezils

    That is awesome! It makes me wonder, though…. Who agrees to stuff like this? This technique has to be working on someone!

    Like

  31. If they were smart, they would say they sent you the Sasquatch it is just enveloped int he invisibility cloak so you can’t see it.

    Like

    ilikebeerandbabies recently posted Dearest Children.

  32. Can you post those pictures you mentioned? I would like to see you in the invisibility cloak. Also, can I borrow it next Thursday?

    Like

    Shawn Walter recently posted Olympic rant (contains the word penis, you have been warned.).

  33. “You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.” LOL – Perfect!

    Like

    Mel Gallant recently posted I’m a badass hundredaire!.

  34. Re: the box of dead cats

    First, eeuuw! Second, does this mean you don’t merely appreciate good taxidermy, you actually know how to perform it?

    Like

    carmen webster buxton recently posted On giving away ebooks: How much is “free” worth?.

  35. WTH? Too bad they didn’t follow through though, an invisibility cloak would be amazing!

    Like

    Jessi @ Practically Functional recently posted Make Your Own Pad Of Paper!.

  36. Wow that was a nice offer from $15 to $18 …

    Like

    Mexmom recently posted Which side are you on?.

  37. Can’t wait to see you tonight.🙂 I’m betting on a long line at B&N. Glad you’re here now, not in January…

    Like

    Jess recently posted Pays nothing...may Traumatize Christmas Baby Dragons..

  38. What they meant to say is that NO other bloggers are interested. I love how you handled this.. you say to these people what so many of us have in our heads lol I may just start referring these advertisers to this blog post. “See the post from August on The Bloggess. Insert your name as “them” and eff off”

    Like

    Brooke recently posted Grand Central Terminal Gets First Ever Bobbi Brown Pop-Up Store.

  39. Thanks for a great laugh this morning🙂

    Like

    Cheryl recently posted Distractions.

  40. … laughing too hard to comment… *gassssssssssssssssssp*

    Like

    Marcheline recently posted Thirteen years, and my mouth is still watering.

  41. While in a Minneapolis, try a Surly (beer).

    Like

  42. That reads like you were conversing with a ‘bot. While I snorted a little, unfortunately the humor was probably lost on HAL😦

    Like

  43. As a blogger who receives these often (who doesn’t), I salute you. And now have a new plan of attack.

    Like

    Ashe @ Ash in Fashion recently posted Links to Love: Magic 28, Wedding Planning, & the Late River Phoenix.

  44. Perfect read for a Friday morning.
    I’m still laughing.

    Thank you!

    Like

  45. Just as funny as the first time! Thank you for making my morning Jenny. You. Are. The. Best.

    Like

  46. I’m going to use this paraphrased exchange as the model for how I will deal with the college students I teach when they are “negotiating” for a better grade.

    Like

    Scarlett recently posted Just Sayin'.

  47. This is the greatest post I’ve read all week!! HILARIOUS. Those text link fools…

    Cece from LoveBrownSugar

    Like

    LoveBrownSugar recently posted Cover Girls: Azealia Banks Covers VIBE Magazine.

  48. Is the “them” in this article a 5 year old? Sounds like the line of reasoning I’ve heard from friends’ children when trying to get a cookie or something. I can only assume that the part of this where “them” asks for said cookie has been accidentally deleted.

    Like

    breanne recently posted That Cowboy.

  49. “We will pay you $2 per 1,000 click-throughs that result in sales.”

    I’m pretty sure every single legitimate ad and affiliate program offers far better returns than that. I’d love to know who the losers are who pimped that offer. Are they still in business?

    Like

    Matthew Miller recently posted Listed specifications for Dinner Dash are a bald faced lie.

  50. Sheesh, you would think the cats in a shoebox would have been a no-brainer for them. I periodically have access to dead possums, courtesy of my murderous dogs. Would you like me to ship them to you? I had plans to re-create the Last Supper with a bunch of them, but lost my nerve (and almost my breakfast) as I was scooping the last carcass into a trash bag.

    Like

    yetisaurus recently posted Indoor Plumbing is for Suckers (aka Pioneer Days 2012).

  51. I like how their offer keeps getting less and less useful. They don’t understand how negotiations work, apparently.

    “Your readers will thank you” They sure make an awful lot of assumptions about our desire to get coupons for products we were never interested in to begin with.

    Like

    Annie Jay recently posted Mastering the Breakdown.

  52. Scarlett is dead on. I need this in my syllabus.

    Like

    Monda recently posted Anything for Science.

  53. “Duck season!”
    “Wabbit season!”
    “You will promote our product and we will pay you in opportunities to promote our product!”

    “Wabbit season!”

    I remember this post, and it has only gotten funnier!

    Like

    StatMom recently posted “The Name of this Book is Secret” by Pseudonymous Bosch.

  54. Hi. My first comment is to ask you to do something for me.

    FIND PRINCE. BRING HIM TO ME. I’m in the Tempe area, you’re coming here next, it’s totally convenient. I can pay you with one tiny dead scorpion. You don’t even have to stuff it!!

    Please and thank you.

    Like

  55. OMG, dying. So. Funny.

    Like

  56. LMAO!!! That is absolutely hysterical!!!! Some companies are so ass backwards!

    Like

  57. Clearly they have no sense of humor. So clearly your readers would not appreciate their product. Clearly.

    Like

    Becky recently posted Unner-wuars.

  58. I love it! Absolutely hilarious! My husband (also a blogger) and I get this kind of insanity quite often. He had one recently where the link seller guy actually lowered his price during the negotiation process. Huh? I usually go off on them about how ridiculous I think they are. Thanks for writing this, I got a good laugh!

    Like

    Ali recently posted Prague Christmas Market.

  59. I would have liked to see what dipshit company this is! And, I’m pretty sure that’s not how negotiations are supposed to work. However, I’m not a blogger so, I don’t know for sure… Too funny!

    Like

    Devon recently posted Fire In Ice by Devon Stewart.

  60. I’m surpised there was no mention of Wil Wheaton collating papers here…

    Like

  61. As someone who’s had to send out these stupid requests professionally, I love this so much. I sent it to everyone in my office

    Like

  62. MINNEAPOLIS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! See you in 8 hours, future bff. Unless you want to come have lunch with me down the street, work is buying today – pizza, I’ll save you a slice and play the ukulele for you while you enjoy. I’ll let them know to order extra.

    Can’t wait!

    Like

  63. YEAH!!!
    I’m in Minneapolis! I’ll come see you tonight!!!!

    Like

  64. oh ps, you don’t need the sasquach alive to play freeze tag with. I bet you could make it work regardless.

    Like

    Tina recently posted I Thought I had Posted This..

  65. Ha ha ha! They are probably trying to translate their reply now.

    Like

    Bailey recently posted Sonja Morgan Stunning in Spicy Custom Hairpiece.

  66. I remember this post and since that time I’ve had a guy contact me and almost want me to pay him for putting his ad at my place. He needed a wheelbarrow for his dangly bits.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Green Eggs and Ham….

  67. I still can’t believe you are here in Minnesota! That’s ridiculously awesome! I so wish I could come see you in Edina this evening, but unfortunately I cannont, so I thought I’d just leave a comment saying I hope you enjoy you time here. If anyone tries to convince you that the midwest is not as cool as the coasts, you can let them know that Minnesota has more coastline than California, Florida and Hawaii combined. Take that tropical places!

    Like

  68. See, I love this. I wish I were able to respond like this. I just get annoyed and kind of angry, which makes my heart race, which makes me feel anxious, which robs me of my ability to speak coherently. I can’t tell you the number of people who have been rewarded for their annoying behaviour by the sight of me getting all flustered and stutter-y. If you have some kind of motivational seminar in the works, keep me in mind.

    Like

    Susan Whistler recently posted Dirty.

  69. Awesome! Ha ha.

    Like

    Lorien Clark recently posted Goulish Googlie Treats.

  70. Nicely played!

    Like

  71. Talking with marketers can feel a lot like giving a Turing Test.

    Like

  72. I love that you do that to marketers. When did no, stop meaning no? Before we moved into a condo (and stopped getting door to door salespeople – just another reason to love living in a condo) I used to play a similar game with salespeople. I would always politely decline their fist offer (if I wasn’t interested in the product or new religion they were trying to sell) because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are going to also be polite and go away…but then if they persisted I figured they were fair game. It’s like implied consent really. I got a surprising number of people at my door trying to sell me a new religion…I wonder if that says something about me.

    Like

    Laura recently posted Riveted is Out of My Hands – For now..

  73. Hee hee hee. Gotta love those Siri-like advertisers. I think I made a tinkle on myself reading this. I’ll take the dead cats in a shoebox. I can hang them on my fence as a warning for all the hood cats in my neighborhood that won’t stay off my property.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

    Like

    Tiffany recently posted I Miss Them.

  74. Somewhere, right now, there is a marketing guy rounding up a Sasquatch and four dead cats.

    Like

    Elizabeth @ Bella Vita recently posted 5 Lessons Every Happy Woman Must Learn.

  75. I would totally send you four dead cats, a cloak of invisibility and even a sasquatch if I could find you one for a text ad. The $1000 for a photo of you spending it (high res or not) would not be of benefit to me at this time either.

    Like

    Redneck Hillbillies recently posted Still Redneckin’ Out, Y’all.

  76. I was going to say they were in India, but I agree with Ginny. It sounds like China. In any case, that’s totally hilarious!

    Like

    Robin recently posted Voices…I Hear Voices…..

  77. I suddenly am thinking that I would totally pay 75$ to guest post on your blog and get to say whatever suited my fancy at the moment… and all your readers would read it… because you are the bloggess… and that I wouldn’t even need to be selling anything… just stealing that many souls….

    Like

    Kerry :) recently posted … I’d much rather just sleep with you….

  78. Classic.

    You always fucking win.

    Like

    The Six-Fingered Monkey recently posted The Mix-tape Master.

  79. them: so, let us get this straight. you are not interested? you: just in playing freeze tag with the sasquatch. ;o)

    Like

    monica recently posted No one gave me personalized toilet paper. I'm kinda disappointed..

  80. Typical PR! I love the $15 post – I hear that a lot – and my blog is small potatoes compared to yours🙂

    Like

    Rachel recently posted How to Remove Glass from Your Foot.

  81. That is so odd. If I had a dog as big as a horse I would LOVE a high quality photo if you riding it!

    Like

    Nikki recently posted My thoughts on zumba…….or how to make a white girl finally realize she cannot dance.

  82. 83
    Katie in MSP

    Sooooooo excited to see you tonight! Echoing SJ, thank you for coming to fly over country!!

    Like

  83. I was laughing to my heart’s content through this whole blog post – that is, until I realized how I actually wait for people to make me offers for $15 on my own little blog! Sigh…. off to feeling small and pathetic now…

    Like

    Anna at Mama Writes recently posted Blog Carnival: Revealing My Fridge and Food Pantry Contents!.

  84. LMFAO!!!! I’m sitting at my desk at work trying not to bust a gut laughing. This is freaking hysterical!

    Like

    Kelly recently posted A Break From Our Normally Scheduled Friday Programing.

  85. I think I’m in love with u. I HAD to stop reading your book at work becoz i kept getting questioning (but mostly concerned looks) from people when I would suddenly burst out laughing/snorting. Stiffling laughter makes me choke.
    BTW I love steam punk jewelry. I found it while looking for gifts for my finicky husband’s bday (found GEAR RINGS! but @ $165). I love the scarab collection.
    Be my BFF? PLEASE! lol

    Like

  86. Am now completely considering the $75 for a text ad…although now that you’re a NY Times Bestseller I bet the price went up….I don’t have an invisibility cloak to give you, but I can bake an awesome cake with a rainbow inside

    Like

  87. Best response to advertisers EVAR. We’ve been followers for some time now and have you on our blogroll. And we just nominated you for a Versatile Blogger Award. Hit the link to claim your badge (not a Jedi mindtrick, I promise).
    http://imperfectmommy.com/blog/2012/08/10/weve-been-nominated-for-an-award/

    Like

  88. I will gladly send you a box of dead cats, but instead of marionettes….can you make them into a mariachi band?….with mustaches!

    Like

    Courtney recently posted Have I mentioned my hate for Summer....and Spiders?.

  89. Just in case you haven’t seen this, I think you should brace yourself.
    http://www.tomandlorenzo.com/2012/08/adam-scott-for-maxim-magazine.html

    Like

  90. HAAAAAAAA! Wait! Did I just see the Brooklyn Bridge at Sotheby’s? Crap! Another good deal down the terlit!
    You are hysterical, lady! Where have you been all my life?!🙂

    Like

  91. 92
    PopcornGlamour

    How the hell did they pass on seeing four dead cats used as marionettes? Don’t they know the Internet was invented solely for the purpose of posting cat photos?

    Also, someday when I open my own blogs/sites I’m going to send you $75.00 dollars AND a photo of me holding a photo of Wil Wheaton holding a photo of Wil Wheaton collating. Because you deserve a little something extra…..

    Like

  92. Everyone in Edina tonight, Chelsea and I have to be at work by 10pm an hour away, can we go first? firstish? thanks.
    Heather

    Like

  93. That’s funny, they don’t tend to answer me when I say no! But, I’m not as cool as you ^^

    Like

    Jen recently posted Some statistical popularity.

  94. those adverts kill me everytime, I like this blog, you make me laugh, will definately come back for more!

    Like

  95. Jenny-

    In case you weren’t aware of this site’s existence, I thought of no one but you when laughing-to-tears after happening upon it. I hope you enjoy. ❤

    http://taxi-derpy.tumblr.com/

    Like

  96. Hey, wait a second… I AM advertising on your site and I was NOT informed I could pay in Sasquatches. I am literally BURIED in Sasquatches here.

    Like

    Amy recently posted Why You Shouldn’t Mix Manhattans with Wine.

  97. Weird, I’ve been reading your archives (I just found your blog!) and I stumbled across this post the other day.

    Like

  98. 99
    All the worlds a stage, but the actors are in different plays

    Sasquatches are currently on strike here. Something to do with being forced to clean the hair from the shower. Instead we have hired extremely takk hairy Italian men and smeared the lens with vasoline, you know for that fuzzy ambiguous look. Also, if you send me tacos, I will send you high res photos of me eating them. Possibly with marionette cats or whatever roadkill i can find.

    Like

  99. If you keep posting old posts I’m going to inevitably need to go back and read every last one of them, which will lead me to neglect my child and never change my pants and stop eating fruit and get scurvy. I can’t believe how irresponsible you are.

    Like

    Melanie recently posted Vengeance Shopping.

  100. Oh gawd, you are so funny! I’m sitting here trying not laugh out while I’m working the reference desk. Its not working! !

    Like

  101. Thanks for the old post. I loved it. I like they way you hang in there and bet them at there own game basicly.

    thanks for sharing since i missed it the forst time.
    Hope the signing is going good
    debbie

    Like

  102. LOVED this!! SO perfect and true of many trying to bait you into giving them SEO power.

    You have a gift … so glad your sharing it!

    KO’K

    Like

  103. this post was great, thanks for digging it up. But I have to say, as one of your valuable readers, I’m extremely disappointed that you passed on the very valuable opportunity to help me. Especially considering it was such an exclusive offer.

    Like

    Brittany recently posted This is Why I'll Never be Skinny.

  104. Had to share this with you because it’s Davie Bowie AND WOLVES!

    http://www.tor.com/blogs/2012/08/what-it-would-look-like-if-david-bowie-was-in-game-of-thrones

    Like

  105. Did the Douche-canoe PR guy shift his career to on-line marketing?

    Or is this really Victor fucking with you?

    Like

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Preparing NOW to make the 2016 Rio Olympic Games the Best Ever! And the Most Naked!.

  106. OMG Jenny you just slay me. I just read this post to my husband and snorted twice whilst reading to him.

    Like

  107. You should earn money just by teaching other people your sound negotiating skills.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Six people and a dog: Backpacking the Dinkeys.

  108. So, this week when there is nothing else to do I am going to email you this. Also I MIGHT go for some of your deals this guy doesn’t know what he is missing.

    Like

    Yellow recently posted Sometimes I am crazy . . . Other times I am nuts.

  109. You are in Edina signing books at this VERY moment. I wish I had your book and I wish even more that I was there in Edina. It would have been fun, especially if I didn’t have your book😉 Thanks for coming to Minnesota; I really am sorry I missed you.

    My daughter once told a telemarketer that she was being held captive under the stairs and it was really dark.

    Like

  110. Oh my God Jenny… That was freakin HIL. AR. I. OUS. Thanks for that laugh!

    Like

  111. Well-played, my friend, well-played. In the mail as we speak–one high-quality glossy of me clapping while nodding appreciatively🙂

    Like

  112. Sorry I had to leave the signing.. left a gift w your husband… zombies and voodoo dolls…. I wish we could have chatted! Thx for coming to mn!Shoot me an email! ~Gigi

    Like

  113. 114
    juststuff3

    You absolutely DO win!!!! YAY from all of us!!!

    Like

  114. But I’m guessing that’s how you got roped into this Saturday’s book signing at Changing Hands:

    “You will come to Arizona in August when it is one-hundred-and-dead degrees…”

    Like

    Shawnte recently posted Case Of The Haiku Mondays.

  115. I LOL’d so hard I cried. Seriously that was some funny shit.

    Like

  116. That made me laugh so hard that you almost got a high quality photo of me peeing myself.

    Like

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Subway Mediation.

  117. It looks like that “exclusive program” got even more exclusive. But in the end, yeah, you win.🙂

    Like

    Jessica recently posted College Jitters.

  118. I get requests for product reviews quite a bit. I tell them I will review their product if they will send me seventeen samples. Then I put in all caps – IT MUST BE SEVENTEEN! THE WORLD WILL COLLAPSE ONTO ITSELF IF YOU DO NOT SEND SEVENTEEN.

    Then I tell them I only accept DHL and the delivery person cannot be woman because they are “dirty.”

    Like

    Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted Who Wants My Ex-Wife’s Lab Coats?.

  119. Only way to deal with these ‘people’- giving em one for the other. (But I am wondering if your correspondent actually was a person…)

    Like

  120. I was truly in a depressing, 109 degrees of desert heat and my boyfriend killing my soul with a plastic spork when I read this. I was correct; I feel better now.

    Like

  121. How much do you charge readers to get in on that game of Sasquatch/Chinese Freeze Tag?

    Like

    Nikki Mohamed recently posted Yukon on My Mind.

  122. This is exactly what I needed. I’ve started receiving requests for product reviews and I’m printing this to use as inspiration for my responses. Plus, anytime you can work in both a Jedi and a Sasquatch reference, you’ve basically reached perfection.

    Like

    Jen @ Bible Belt to Boulder recently posted Outrunning depression.

  123. That is awesome! I had one company tell me they were going to send me a product to review and then I had to send it back. I told them, I don’t work that way. I only review products that I can keep. Never did hear back from them.

    Like

    Melissa Lawler recently posted YumEarth Organics Candy-Giveaway.

  124. I’m sorry, but what in the hell is Chinese Freeze Tag?

    And has everyone been playing it without me?

    I can only imagine it as some hybrid of a Chinese fire drill and American (?) freeze tag. Though one might find freezing during a Chinese fire drill ill-advised, I assume.

    Like

  125. Dude, I just delete that shit. Maybe I should engage…makes for a hilarious blog post!

    Like

    XLMIC recently posted The Ellimpics Update: A One-Woman Wrecking Crew.

  126. AWESOME… as always🙂

    Like

  127. “So you’re saying ‘Yes’, no?” “‘No’, yes!”

    Like

  128. They are not responding because they are busy packaging up a Sasquatch to mail. And they don’t really know why they are doing it.

    Like

  129. 132
    Jennifer W.

    Laughed out loud until husband made me read the entire thing to him. Amazing!

    Like

  130. 133
    Amanda - Superstar

    You are awesome, your book signing was incredible! We had an incredible time! And you are as funny as shit! We were standing next to a lady who said that as long as you can edit out the swear words you were hilarious…. WE MOVED ! We didn’t want to sit by such a weirdo! It’s the swear words that make you real, and perfect! Don’t change the way you are! We adore you!

    Like

  131. You have mad blogging skills, Blogess! I hope these people know who they’re dealing with…

    Like

    The Hook recently posted And Now… A Quick Thought From The Hook..

  132. I got to meet you. And our picture is now on my FB page so I can brag to all my friends. And when I taught a class at the Y this morning I told people their official homework was to google “Beyonce the chicken” or “collating paper” because unfathomably no one exercising at the Y at 10:30 am the day after your fabulous self seemed to know who you were? How was that possible? My amazingly patient children wandered the store last night for two hours so I could just soak up every minute of you. (And I only had to pay $80 in books to appease them for their patience.) Worth every freaking penny. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MINNEAPOLIS. This was the highlight of my year.

    Like

  133. Somewhere around, “That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency. I will send you a high-quality photo of me saying no to you.” our team started laughing. Then tears… as it reminded us of a recent PR pitch from a man who ended his email with, “Let’s work together to see how we can promote my book.”

    Thanks for giving us fodder for how we’ll respond in our dreams. LOL🙂

    Like

  134. I made it most of the way through being able to keep in my laughter. For the record, my husband is now mad at you for causing me to wake him up. Please send me $15 and 4 links for my blarg to make up for this. Or a pony sized dog with a cloak of invisibility.

    Like

    JRose recently posted A Poignant Comic About Hot Cocoa.

  135. That’s a hilarious exchange.

    I will send you a high quality photo of me laughing out loud while reading it.

    Like

    Red recently posted I'm...Sweet?? Must Be a Parallel Universe.

  136. OK, can you please teach a class on how to mess with people??? You are a Jedi master at it!

    Like

  137. About halfway through that, maybe less, I was convinced English wasn’t their first language. LOL Perfection, though, as usual!

    Like

    Vanessa recently posted Thanku Target!.

  138. I remember this one! I’ve memorized it so I can respond similarly. Well, the day I get a request to advertise on my blog. I’m still waiting to use it.

    Like

    Kernut the Blond recently posted Big oilfields and big money in Texas.

  139. My sides, oh my sides, they hurt from the laughing.

    Like

    Amanda Jillian aka Faerie Barista recently posted Do you hear the siren's call?.

  140. Now, THAT was funny!

    Like

  141. You made my morning…so funny!

    Like

    Trisha Coady recently posted Fear Factor: Passing the Point of No Return.

  142. While this whole exchange is priceless and I hope to use parts of it one day to rebuff marketing idiots who contact me, it really makes me imagine Victor opening the front door one day to a life-sized taxidermied Sasquatch. Happy anniversary, Victor!

    Like

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Mayberry, RIP.

  143. When are you giving a class in negotiating? I need mad skills like yours!

    Like

    Tara recently posted Vineman Aquabike 28 July 2012.

  144. so few blogs make me laugh. you, lady, are hilarious.

    Like

  145. I have no idea what is happening here, but I love it. If someone offered me a 10% off coupon to anything I wouldn’t take it. 10% is just effing with my mind into thinking I’m saving something awesome –> *hands over coupon* = bill is 14 cents less = “FUUUUUUGGG! They got me again, dawg! They got me again.” >:[

    Like

    Nicorn recently posted McKayla is not impressed….

  146. I get these a lot. This is brilliant! XO

    Like

    Girl to Mom Heidi recently posted How a Lot of People Feel After the Weekend….

  147. For some reason, I thought the first line was asking to buy a text ad on your DOG, and I thought it was odd that you would go along with that for $75. I don’t know where my brain is (I’m in the midst of moving – it’s possible I’ve packed it with shoes or cookbooks or something), but I was envisioning a dog with large letters on its side…..

    Like

    janna recently posted Oh, Hi!.

  148. I laughed so hard reading this. Thank you. The next time a telemarketer calls…

    Like

    Adriana recently posted *I just can’t refuse it, like the way you do this, keep on rockin’ to it….

  149. Please please please post the entire conversation. I really want my mirth index to improve

    Like

  150. This should be made into a manual how to deal with these types of phone calls. Awesome!

    Like

    Thomas recently posted I still REALLY like you.

  151. No offer of a photo of Wil Wheaton collating paper? No wonder they just would not give up.

    This is why I let my 4 year old talk on the phone to telemarketers. The side of the conversation that I can hear (the 4 year old’s side) usually runs like this: “Hello. How are you? I missed you SOOO much. Can you play with the puppy? See, I’m a puppy. Woof woof woof. Are you a princess? I am Princess Ariel Belle Sleeping Beauty. Princesses dance. See, I dance. Will you dance? DANCE NOW. NOW. NOW!”

    Like

  152. I feel so much better about the $25 per month ad on my website now. (It’s my only paid ad and came to me unsolicited. I basically had to do nothing, not even compromise my principles, to earn $25 per month. Win.)

    Then again, I don’t earn my living through my blog. Go you. I love your wit.

    Like

    Susan recently posted Story Board Game.

  153. I really needed a laugh today🙂 Thanks so much!

    Like

  154. Haha $2 for every 1000 sales? sounds like a good deal.

    Like

  155. I’m so sad that I never get these inquiries. I guess being an unknown blog has its rewards!! I love how every sentence is delivered as a command. You will, you will, you will….

    Like

    sparkling74 recently posted Ruffled Dress #2.

  156. Omg. I just snorted. And nearly fell outta my rolley chair crying. I think my co-workers are looking for my purple straight jacket again…..

    Like

    LauraBelle recently posted Ten Things Thursday.

  157. 160
    Cassie Ilten

    Fantastic!!! This is why I may never have a blog.

    Like

  158. Hilarious! Would LOVE to know what their “product” is! Tell us, pretty please Jenny🙂

    Like

    Mommy Needs Vodka recently posted A Former Co-Worker is Stalking my 'Anon' Blog.

  159. If I werent’ so afraid of people, I ‘d have fun like this, too.

    (I always think they’re going to be able to figure out how to find me)

    Like

  160. Oh my gosh .. I almost wet myself laughing!

    Like

  161. to borrow a phrase from David Thorne, I jump for cash bitch

    Like

  162. “You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.”

    You are my hero…

    Like

  163. OMG I think I sprained a rib laughing…

    Like

  164. You have done the world a great service with this post. I plan to draw inspiration from it during my next Marketing Encounter.

    SO RIDICULOUS.

    Like

  165. I was so bummed that I didn’t get to meet you when you were in Edina (which, I don’t know if anyone told you while you were there, is actually an acronym. It stands for Every Day I Need Attention). I kept hoping you would add a Twin Cities visit, but the one day you were here was when my daughter’s Scout troop had an overnight scheduled. And as much as I love you (and I really, really do- I just gave a copy of your book to a friend for her birthday to share the love), that overnight has taken us SIX FREAKING MONTHS to plan and find a date that worked for all five girls. There was no way in heaven I was going to trying a reschedule it again.

    I hope you had an awesome turn out. Sorry I had to miss it.😦

    Like

  166. So awesome, you are a much better negotiator.

    Like

  167. omg, best. post. evah.

    Like

  168. Loved this! I’m stealing it for the next person who thinks I should work for free because they will tell their friends about me, and “OMG, you’re so lucky, you just get to take pictures all day!” Yeah, I’m also so lucky I don’t have bills to pay or need to eat. And that photography equipment is so cheap. And you’ll tell your cheap-ass friends who think I should do their shoots for free too because I did it for you? From now on, it’ll be “For exposure? Sure. I’ll send you a picture of me taking a picture of your facebook profile picture. Make sure you don’t crop out my watermark.” LOL

    Like

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