UPDATED: That last one was a bluff so it’s probably good that they passed. I can’t even keep a dog alive, much less a sasquatch.

in Random Crap

Today I’m in Minneapolis doing a reading and a signing.  Come?  While I’m gone I’m sharing some old posts.  This one is from 2010:

Paraphrased email between me and a marketer.  The sad thing is that this is only slightly paraphrased:

Them: We would like to buy a text ad on your blog.

me: Ok. It’s $75.

Them: We will write a guest post on your blog with 4 embedded links to our product. We will give you $15.

me:  Um…no.

Them:  We will give you $18.

me:  No.

Them:  You will put 4 links to our product pages on your blogroll page.  We will pay you $2 per 1,000 click-throughs that result in sales.

me:  Wow.  Does this usually work for you?

Them:  You will write a review about our product.  We will send you high quality photos of the product if you agree.

me:  That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency.  I will send you a high-quality photo of me saying no to you.

Them: We are not currently paying for marketing but your readers would appreciate learning about our product.

me:  Nice try, Obi-Wan.  Your Jedi mind-tricks won’t work on me.

Them: This is no trick.  We can offer your readers a 10% coupon if they tweet about our product.  Your readers will thank you.

me:  You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.

Them:  This would not benefit us at this time.

me:  You will send me a dog as big as a pony and I will send you a high-quality photo of me riding it.

Them:  We have many other bloggers interested in being in this exclusive program.  If you are not interested in this program please let us know so that we can move on to our next choice.

me:  You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.

Them:  We are sorry that you are passing on this valuable opportunity to help your readers.  We will keep you in mind for future products which meet your requirements.

me:  You will send me four dead cats in a shoebox.  I will send you high-quality photos of them as marionettes.

them:  Thank you for your time.  Your blog is not a good fit for us presently.

me:  So you aren’t interested in placing your links on my blog?

them:  Yes.  Please notify us when the links are active.

me:  You will send me a large Sasquatch.  I will send you high-quality photos of me playing Chinese-Freeze-Tag with it.

So far I have received no response.

I win.

171 thoughts on “UPDATED: That last one was a bluff so it’s probably good that they passed. I can’t even keep a dog alive, much less a sasquatch.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Clearly this person is in China and hasn’t responded yet because they are too busy playing Chinese Freeze Tag

  4. Nice! I must remember this technique when dealing with people like this (I’m thinking in-laws). Thank you for my morning laugh!

  5. Ha! I can only imagine the conversation when religious sales persons (aka seventh day Adventists) come door knocking in your neighborhood! 🙂

  6. “You will send me $1,000 and I will send you a high-quality photo of me spending it.” I SOLed. (*Snorted out Loud.)

    While you’re in Minneapolis, you should change the locations of your books at any Target store you can find as that’s where their corporate headquarters are. 🙂

    Have fun and KNOW that you’re good at it. (You passed the pretending stage a while ago.)

  7. You will send me Morgan Freeman and I will send you a high-quality picutre of his voice reading the lyrics of the latest One Direction song.

    Because its Morgan Freeman, motherfuckers.

  9. You are too hilarious…..your place on this earth is to make people laugh and smile…..your karma level should be at like 100%

  11. Bahhaha it’s probably how the spammers pick up girls too. “You will go home with me tonight.” Bet it doesnt work then, either..

  12. lol, I wonder if you rattled their cage at all. I think those people are really cyborges. Maybe you should ask them for a picture of themselves to verify that they aren’t really cyborges, and if they are definitely need a pciture of that!

  14. What a PERFECT way to start a Friday. God – I’m still snickering here at my desk.

  15. Dear Bloggess,

    I am so looking forward to seeing you at B&N in Edina this evening. Thank you for coming to Flyover Land!

  16. nice. you handled that with such classiness.. Did the person on the other end of the call chuckle laugh at all??! how could they not laugh lol

  17. Sounds a bit like me trying to convince people in NYC that I live in a town os 1100 people and th PO Box is my only mailing address, since there’s no mail delivery in towns this small. Thanks for the giggles!

  19. You will send me an Emperor Penguin. I will send you high-quality photos of the two of us wearing cool shades and enjoying popsicles.

    This is a fun game!

  20. But, Jenny…..they upped their offer by three whole dollars! How could you refuse??

  25. Since, “People die of exposure” is…over-exposed, I think I will try your electric company line the next time someone asks me to donate my literary skills “for the exposure.”

    Fortunately, my blog is…under-exposed, so I don’t get come-ons like this!

  26. Ah, yes, I recently had a similar exchange. It involved me saying no and the “person” immediately email back the terms of the agreement. Right? Apparently no is not universal. Who knew?

  28. You know, I was looking for a tutorial for how do deal with online marketers. This is perfect! You should pitch this to internet marketing for dummies! I’d totally buy it.

  30. That is awesome! It makes me wonder, though…. Who agrees to stuff like this? This technique has to be working on someone!

  37. Can’t wait to see you tonight. 🙂 I’m betting on a long line at B&N. Glad you’re here now, not in January…

  38. What they meant to say is that NO other bloggers are interested. I love how you handled this.. you say to these people what so many of us have in our heads lol I may just start referring these advertisers to this blog post. “See the post from August on The Bloggess. Insert your name as “them” and eff off”

  42. That reads like you were conversing with a ‘bot. While I snorted a little, unfortunately the humor was probably lost on HAL 🙁

  45. Just as funny as the first time! Thank you for making my morning Jenny. You. Are. The. Best.

  46. I’m going to use this paraphrased exchange as the model for how I will deal with the college students I teach when they are “negotiating” for a better grade.

  48. Is the “them” in this article a 5 year old? Sounds like the line of reasoning I’ve heard from friends’ children when trying to get a cookie or something. I can only assume that the part of this where “them” asks for said cookie has been accidentally deleted.

  49. “We will pay you $2 per 1,000 click-throughs that result in sales.”

    I’m pretty sure every single legitimate ad and affiliate program offers far better returns than that. I’d love to know who the losers are who pimped that offer. Are they still in business?

  50. Sheesh, you would think the cats in a shoebox would have been a no-brainer for them. I periodically have access to dead possums, courtesy of my murderous dogs. Would you like me to ship them to you? I had plans to re-create the Last Supper with a bunch of them, but lost my nerve (and almost my breakfast) as I was scooping the last carcass into a trash bag.

  51. I like how their offer keeps getting less and less useful. They don’t understand how negotiations work, apparently.

    “Your readers will thank you” They sure make an awful lot of assumptions about our desire to get coupons for products we were never interested in to begin with.

  54. “Duck season!”
    “Wabbit season!”
    “You will promote our product and we will pay you in opportunities to promote our product!”
    …
    “Wabbit season!”

    I remember this post, and it has only gotten funnier!

  55. Hi. My first comment is to ask you to do something for me.

    FIND PRINCE. BRING HIM TO ME. I’m in the Tempe area, you’re coming here next, it’s totally convenient. I can pay you with one tiny dead scorpion. You don’t even have to stuff it!!

    Please and thank you.

  58. Clearly they have no sense of humor. So clearly your readers would not appreciate their product. Clearly.

  59. I love it! Absolutely hilarious! My husband (also a blogger) and I get this kind of insanity quite often. He had one recently where the link seller guy actually lowered his price during the negotiation process. Huh? I usually go off on them about how ridiculous I think they are. Thanks for writing this, I got a good laugh!

  60. I would have liked to see what dipshit company this is! And, I’m pretty sure that’s not how negotiations are supposed to work. However, I’m not a blogger so, I don’t know for sure… Too funny!

  62. As someone who’s had to send out these stupid requests professionally, I love this so much. I sent it to everyone in my office

  63. MINNEAPOLIS YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! See you in 8 hours, future bff. Unless you want to come have lunch with me down the street, work is buying today – pizza, I’ll save you a slice and play the ukulele for you while you enjoy. I’ll let them know to order extra.

    Can’t wait!

  65. oh ps, you don’t need the sasquach alive to play freeze tag with. I bet you could make it work regardless.

  67. I remember this post and since that time I’ve had a guy contact me and almost want me to pay him for putting his ad at my place. He needed a wheelbarrow for his dangly bits.

  68. I still can’t believe you are here in Minnesota! That’s ridiculously awesome! I so wish I could come see you in Edina this evening, but unfortunately I cannont, so I thought I’d just leave a comment saying I hope you enjoy you time here. If anyone tries to convince you that the midwest is not as cool as the coasts, you can let them know that Minnesota has more coastline than California, Florida and Hawaii combined. Take that tropical places!

  69. See, I love this. I wish I were able to respond like this. I just get annoyed and kind of angry, which makes my heart race, which makes me feel anxious, which robs me of my ability to speak coherently. I can’t tell you the number of people who have been rewarded for their annoying behaviour by the sight of me getting all flustered and stutter-y. If you have some kind of motivational seminar in the works, keep me in mind.

  73. I love that you do that to marketers. When did no, stop meaning no? Before we moved into a condo (and stopped getting door to door salespeople – just another reason to love living in a condo) I used to play a similar game with salespeople. I would always politely decline their fist offer (if I wasn’t interested in the product or new religion they were trying to sell) because I want to give people the benefit of the doubt that they are going to also be polite and go away…but then if they persisted I figured they were fair game. It’s like implied consent really. I got a surprising number of people at my door trying to sell me a new religion…I wonder if that says something about me.

  74. Hee hee hee. Gotta love those Siri-like advertisers. I think I made a tinkle on myself reading this. I’ll take the dead cats in a shoebox. I can hang them on my fence as a warning for all the hood cats in my neighborhood that won’t stay off my property.

    Peace, Love and Chocolate,
    Tiffany

  76. I would totally send you four dead cats, a cloak of invisibility and even a sasquatch if I could find you one for a text ad. The $1000 for a photo of you spending it (high res or not) would not be of benefit to me at this time either.

  77. I was going to say they were in India, but I agree with Ginny. It sounds like China. In any case, that’s totally hilarious!

  78. I suddenly am thinking that I would totally pay 75$ to guest post on your blog and get to say whatever suited my fancy at the moment… and all your readers would read it… because you are the bloggess… and that I wouldn’t even need to be selling anything… just stealing that many souls….

  80. them: so, let us get this straight. you are not interested? you: just in playing freeze tag with the sasquatch. ;o)

  83. Sooooooo excited to see you tonight! Echoing SJ, thank you for coming to fly over country!!

  84. I was laughing to my heart’s content through this whole blog post – that is, until I realized how I actually wait for people to make me offers for $15 on my own little blog! Sigh…. off to feeling small and pathetic now…

  86. I think I’m in love with u. I HAD to stop reading your book at work becoz i kept getting questioning (but mostly concerned looks) from people when I would suddenly burst out laughing/snorting. Stiffling laughter makes me choke.
    BTW I love steam punk jewelry. I found it while looking for gifts for my finicky husband’s bday (found GEAR RINGS! but @ $165). I love the scarab collection.
    Be my BFF? PLEASE! lol

  87. Am now completely considering the $75 for a text ad…although now that you’re a NY Times Bestseller I bet the price went up….I don’t have an invisibility cloak to give you, but I can bake an awesome cake with a rainbow inside

  89. I will gladly send you a box of dead cats, but instead of marionettes….can you make them into a mariachi band?….with mustaches!

  92. How the hell did they pass on seeing four dead cats used as marionettes? Don’t they know the Internet was invented solely for the purpose of posting cat photos?

    Also, someday when I open my own blogs/sites I’m going to send you $75.00 dollars AND a photo of me holding a photo of Wil Wheaton holding a photo of Wil Wheaton collating. Because you deserve a little something extra…..

  93. Everyone in Edina tonight, Chelsea and I have to be at work by 10pm an hour away, can we go first? firstish? thanks.
    Heather

  95. those adverts kill me everytime, I like this blog, you make me laugh, will definately come back for more!

  97. Hey, wait a second… I AM advertising on your site and I was NOT informed I could pay in Sasquatches. I am literally BURIED in Sasquatches here.

  98. Weird, I’ve been reading your archives (I just found your blog!) and I stumbled across this post the other day.

  99. Sasquatches are currently on strike here. Something to do with being forced to clean the hair from the shower. Instead we have hired extremely takk hairy Italian men and smeared the lens with vasoline, you know for that fuzzy ambiguous look. Also, if you send me tacos, I will send you high res photos of me eating them. Possibly with marionette cats or whatever roadkill i can find.

  100. If you keep posting old posts I’m going to inevitably need to go back and read every last one of them, which will lead me to neglect my child and never change my pants and stop eating fruit and get scurvy. I can’t believe how irresponsible you are.

  102. Thanks for the old post. I loved it. I like they way you hang in there and bet them at there own game basicly.

    thanks for sharing since i missed it the forst time.
    Hope the signing is going good
    debbie

  103. LOVED this!! SO perfect and true of many trying to bait you into giving them SEO power.

    You have a gift … so glad your sharing it!

    KO’K

  104. this post was great, thanks for digging it up. But I have to say, as one of your valuable readers, I’m extremely disappointed that you passed on the very valuable opportunity to help me. Especially considering it was such an exclusive offer.

  107. OMG Jenny you just slay me. I just read this post to my husband and snorted twice whilst reading to him.

  109. So, this week when there is nothing else to do I am going to email you this. Also I MIGHT go for some of your deals this guy doesn’t know what he is missing.

  110. You are in Edina signing books at this VERY moment. I wish I had your book and I wish even more that I was there in Edina. It would have been fun, especially if I didn’t have your book 😉 Thanks for coming to Minnesota; I really am sorry I missed you.

    My daughter once told a telemarketer that she was being held captive under the stairs and it was really dark.

  112. Well-played, my friend, well-played. In the mail as we speak–one high-quality glossy of me clapping while nodding appreciatively 🙂

  113. Sorry I had to leave the signing.. left a gift w your husband… zombies and voodoo dolls…. I wish we could have chatted! Thx for coming to mn!Shoot me an email! ~Gigi

  115. But I’m guessing that’s how you got roped into this Saturday’s book signing at Changing Hands:

    “You will come to Arizona in August when it is one-hundred-and-dead degrees…”

  119. I get requests for product reviews quite a bit. I tell them I will review their product if they will send me seventeen samples. Then I put in all caps – IT MUST BE SEVENTEEN! THE WORLD WILL COLLAPSE ONTO ITSELF IF YOU DO NOT SEND SEVENTEEN.

    Then I tell them I only accept DHL and the delivery person cannot be woman because they are “dirty.”

  120. Only way to deal with these ‘people’- giving em one for the other. (But I am wondering if your correspondent actually was a person…)

  121. I was truly in a depressing, 109 degrees of desert heat and my boyfriend killing my soul with a plastic spork when I read this. I was correct; I feel better now.

  123. This is exactly what I needed. I’ve started receiving requests for product reviews and I’m printing this to use as inspiration for my responses. Plus, anytime you can work in both a Jedi and a Sasquatch reference, you’ve basically reached perfection.

  126. That is awesome! I had one company tell me they were going to send me a product to review and then I had to send it back. I told them, I don’t work that way. I only review products that I can keep. Never did hear back from them.

  127. I’m sorry, but what in the hell is Chinese Freeze Tag?

    And has everyone been playing it without me?

    I can only imagine it as some hybrid of a Chinese fire drill and American (?) freeze tag. Though one might find freezing during a Chinese fire drill ill-advised, I assume.

  131. They are not responding because they are busy packaging up a Sasquatch to mail. And they don’t really know why they are doing it.

  132. Laughed out loud until husband made me read the entire thing to him. Amazing!

  133. You are awesome, your book signing was incredible! We had an incredible time! And you are as funny as shit! We were standing next to a lady who said that as long as you can edit out the swear words you were hilarious…. WE MOVED ! We didn’t want to sit by such a weirdo! It’s the swear words that make you real, and perfect! Don’t change the way you are! We adore you!

  135. I got to meet you. And our picture is now on my FB page so I can brag to all my friends. And when I taught a class at the Y this morning I told people their official homework was to google “Beyonce the chicken” or “collating paper” because unfathomably no one exercising at the Y at 10:30 am the day after your fabulous self seemed to know who you were? How was that possible? My amazingly patient children wandered the store last night for two hours so I could just soak up every minute of you. (And I only had to pay $80 in books to appease them for their patience.) Worth every freaking penny. THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MINNEAPOLIS. This was the highlight of my year.

  136. Somewhere around, “That sounds great but the electric company just stopped accepting high-quality photos as forms of currency. I will send you a high-quality photo of me saying no to you.” our team started laughing. Then tears… as it reminded us of a recent PR pitch from a man who ended his email with, “Let’s work together to see how we can promote my book.”

    Thanks for giving us fodder for how we’ll respond in our dreams. LOL 🙂

  137. I made it most of the way through being able to keep in my laughter. For the record, my husband is now mad at you for causing me to wake him up. Please send me $15 and 4 links for my blarg to make up for this. Or a pony sized dog with a cloak of invisibility.

  138. That’s a hilarious exchange.

    I will send you a high quality photo of me laughing out loud while reading it.

  139. OK, can you please teach a class on how to mess with people??? You are a Jedi master at it!

  140. About halfway through that, maybe less, I was convinced English wasn’t their first language. LOL Perfection, though, as usual!

  141. I remember this one! I’ve memorized it so I can respond similarly. Well, the day I get a request to advertise on my blog. I’m still waiting to use it.

  145. While this whole exchange is priceless and I hope to use parts of it one day to rebuff marketing idiots who contact me, it really makes me imagine Victor opening the front door one day to a life-sized taxidermied Sasquatch. Happy anniversary, Victor!

  148. I have no idea what is happening here, but I love it. If someone offered me a 10% off coupon to anything I wouldn’t take it. 10% is just effing with my mind into thinking I’m saving something awesome –> *hands over coupon* = bill is 14 cents less = “FUUUUUUGGG! They got me again, dawg! They got me again.” >:[

  150. For some reason, I thought the first line was asking to buy a text ad on your DOG, and I thought it was odd that you would go along with that for $75. I don’t know where my brain is (I’m in the midst of moving – it’s possible I’ve packed it with shoes or cookbooks or something), but I was envisioning a dog with large letters on its side…..

  152. Please please please post the entire conversation. I really want my mirth index to improve

  154. No offer of a photo of Wil Wheaton collating paper? No wonder they just would not give up.

    This is why I let my 4 year old talk on the phone to telemarketers. The side of the conversation that I can hear (the 4 year old’s side) usually runs like this: “Hello. How are you? I missed you SOOO much. Can you play with the puppy? See, I’m a puppy. Woof woof woof. Are you a princess? I am Princess Ariel Belle Sleeping Beauty. Princesses dance. See, I dance. Will you dance? DANCE NOW. NOW. NOW!”

  155. I feel so much better about the $25 per month ad on my website now. (It’s my only paid ad and came to me unsolicited. I basically had to do nothing, not even compromise my principles, to earn $25 per month. Win.)

    Then again, I don’t earn my living through my blog. Go you. I love your wit.

  158. I’m so sad that I never get these inquiries. I guess being an unknown blog has its rewards!! I love how every sentence is delivered as a command. You will, you will, you will….

  159. Omg. I just snorted. And nearly fell outta my rolley chair crying. I think my co-workers are looking for my purple straight jacket again…..

  162. If I werent’ so afraid of people, I ‘d have fun like this, too.

    (I always think they’re going to be able to figure out how to find me)

  165. “You will send me a cloak of invisibility and I will send you high-quality photos of me being invisible in it.”

    You are my hero…

  167. You have done the world a great service with this post. I plan to draw inspiration from it during my next Marketing Encounter.

    SO RIDICULOUS.

  168. I was so bummed that I didn’t get to meet you when you were in Edina (which, I don’t know if anyone told you while you were there, is actually an acronym. It stands for Every Day I Need Attention). I kept hoping you would add a Twin Cities visit, but the one day you were here was when my daughter’s Scout troop had an overnight scheduled. And as much as I love you (and I really, really do- I just gave a copy of your book to a friend for her birthday to share the love), that overnight has taken us SIX FREAKING MONTHS to plan and find a date that worked for all five girls. There was no way in heaven I was going to trying a reschedule it again.

    I hope you had an awesome turn out. Sorry I had to miss it. 🙁

  171. Loved this! I’m stealing it for the next person who thinks I should work for free because they will tell their friends about me, and “OMG, you’re so lucky, you just get to take pictures all day!” Yeah, I’m also so lucky I don’t have bills to pay or need to eat. And that photography equipment is so cheap. And you’ll tell your cheap-ass friends who think I should do their shoots for free too because I did it for you? From now on, it’ll be “For exposure? Sure. I’ll send you a picture of me taking a picture of your facebook profile picture. Make sure you don’t crop out my watermark.” LOL

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