Jesus Loves Myspace

in Random Crap

Today I’m in San Diego doing a reading and signing but while I’m on tour I’m reposting some of my old posts.  This one was from 2008:

I pass this sign all the time and try to figure out what it means:

 

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So Jesus died so we could access Myspace in heaven?  I’m no theologian but can’t Jesus just wiggle his nose and make stuff happen?  If you think Jesus has to die so that you can get access to MySpace then you have serious problems, my friend.  I suspect this whole sign is a trick question and the answer is “Burn down this sign*”.

PS.  If you’re dead and still on MySpace I’m pretty sure you’re not in heaven.

*Don’t burn down this sign.

102 thoughts on “Jesus Loves Myspace”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Hahaha, that there is funny! If you’re alive and on MySpace you’re definitely not in Heaven! I’m afraid that Facebook is heading in that same direction, just ask its investors.

  2. This can only mean that Jesus is a musician because isn’t that the main reason people are there now? Either that or he’s a little bit behind the times….

    Please remember – you ARE good at it.

    Enjoy San Diego – this is a good time of the year to be there. Plus, they have more Oxygen than Denver.

  3. I hope we get a second coming of Christ so he can die for Pinterest in Heaven, cause I’m going to need that shit!

    A bunch of hardcore Christians hate me now, right?

  9. Duh, Jesus. Clearly you should’ve died for Angry Birds in Heaven. Apps are where it’s at. Possibly. I don’t know, I’m not into religion.

  10. At your Phoenix/haboob signing, I liked that you chose to read the same chapter of your book that my wife showed me, to try and get me interested in it.

    I couldn’t help but notice that you left out the part where you warn your rapist cat about Aids. I was wondering if you ended up regretting that part or if that was just an oversight?

  11. I wonder what the sign must say now since Myspace has kinda disappeared…”I’m all a Twitter about JC” or maybe “If you want to spread the word, just Pin it.” (Sorry, couldn’t even come up with something as bad as those for FB, but I tried. *sigh*)

  12. Pretty sure the intended interpretation is “Jesus died for my space in heaven,” and they turned it into “MySpace” to make a punning reference to what the out-of-touch clergy mistakenly believe is still a culturally relevant institution of the digital age in a misguided effort to reach Kids These Days.

  14. Hey all- just saw Jenny in Denver last night and she is WONDERFUL!!! If you have a chance to see her in San Diego- GO! QUICKLY!

  15. Jesus was pretty much ahead of his time in terms of social media. The Bible has no account of this, but Jesus’ Twitter account was closed because he kept spamming everyone.

  16. Maybe it’s supposed to say ‘my space’ in heaven, not the actual site but the actual words, Jesus died so Heaven can have enough place for us there or something of that sort. Anyway, my friend just had a B for Science because she wrote ‘poop rope’ instead of intestines, and she actually explained it to the teacher. I feel sorry for her because I wasn’t brave enough to write ‘poop rope’ during an exam. Haha.

  18. I bet Jesus has like, all the friends on myspace. Like he can just add himself to your account automatically. And then if you’re like what you doing? Jesus is like, I’m saving your soul. Through myspace. Yeah maybe not so much.

  19. Or maybe this is just some elaborate marketing scheme to bring Myspace back to the forefront of social media. It’s like a guilt trip tactic. “Y’all. Jesus DIED for this. Please log-in. Please?” -Tom

  22. I saw one recently that made a play on Facebook using the words faith book. I was driving and couldn’t get a photo though.

  25. On my last road trip I saw a sign reading “You Won’t Find Jesus on Facebook.” I found it hilarious, not just because of the implied condemnation of that social network, but also because I’m pretty sure you can. In fact, if my own circle of friends is any indication, it’s impossible to avoid him there.

  26. I am pretty sure the reason Jesus died wasn’t for MySpace. The reason Jesus died was because he wanted to be the first Zombie, and since God had already stated “Yes Mary, I am your baby’s daddy”, he knew God had his back and would bring him back.

  30. Church signs are the best. A friend and I saw one that read “Jesus loves you, no matter what” but we put an empasis on the “no matter what part” that turned Jesus into an insane stalker ex-boyfriend who we eventually had to get a restarining order against. Good times.

  31. Great. Now all I can think of is Jesus getting into funny predicaments, wiggling his nose while Darren barely tolerates his antics.

    And Jesus in a sensible polyester pantsuit? Comedy gold. Although he may have to ditch the sandals.

  32. omg i love church signs ! they have weird ones here in Australia too, i always wonder if there is a databank for witty pastors or something ?!
    all the best for your tour !

  33. One of my favourite outside-a-church signs is “Jesus wore sandals.” I’m still not sure why this would be either inspirational, or something that the general public might need to be made aware of. Oh, and the one next to the off-ramp that says “prepare to meet thy maker.” It has said that for the past twenty years or so, and even when I was a kid I thought it was a little pessimistic. Maybe that particular off ramp has a high incidence of accidents?

  36. Darnit you are 3 hours away…come closer next time to the humble “Inland Empire” instead of San Diego. We even habe a church with cool signs too like God answers prayer mail.

  40. Come to Pasadena again. Did you do a signing when you were here not so long ago? Or just shop for neat stuff?

  41. I find it extra humorous that they are using the word “space” and that’s exactly what they’re missing to help this sentence make sense.

    “Jesus died for my space in heaven”

    Also, “space”? What about “place” or “spot”? They should have asked Jesus for basic literary skills instead.

  43. I think there is an online site that churches go to for these things. Sometimes they are clever. Most of the time they should just say “Feel guilty, come inside, give us money”.

  46. I think it’s hilarious that some of your commenters are explaining that, MAYBE, it’s supposed to read MY SPACE. HA HA HA. REALLY now? Who woulda thunk it? Snort snort.

    But I agree with you…Satan and FB definitely have some kind of relationship going on. FB is like the 8th deadly sin or something: everyone hates it and knows it’s bad for you but you CAN’T STOP GOING THERE. It’s like internet crack or something. I hate FB. I even occasionally deactivate my account. But then, I fall OFF THE FUCKING WAGON and log back on. It’s…awful.

  47. I hate to break it to him…being he’s the man in charge and all, but MySpace is sooooo over. Only people hanging out there are people you’d purposely lie to when asked if the empty seat next to you is free (it’s not…someone is sitting here).
    Besides, I think Jesus is more of a Twitter man…quick, easy and his hashtag are all the rage.
    XOXO

  48. @FFW,

    That’s just crazy talk. Everyone knows he folds his arms and nods decisively (accompanied by *BING* noise).

    And that jewel in the navel is just scrummy.

    Wait, that’s Barbara Eden. Never mind.

  49. I agree with the previouses about myspace being dead.

    As far as the meaning, i think some preacher man thought it would be a funny play on words… “Jesus died for MY SPACE in heaven.” Little did he know that myspace died years ago…

  50. I keep reading the sign over and over hoping to understand what they’re saying on some level, but I’m still getting nothing. I think someone must have just had a stroke when they were coming up with that one.

  51. Thank God I missed that phase because I had no clue how to turn on a computer–hey, I’m 52 and just learned last year—teaching this old dinosaur new tricks. Now I’m a Facebook aficionado, fossil and all!!!

  52. My fave was always;
    JESUS SAVES
    MOSES INVESTS

    I just love those church signs….they never get it quite right. ….which is just funnier…in a mildly twisted sorta way.

  54. I’ve gotta wonder who comes up with these things. A sign on a church in my town right now states “Come inside – we’re PRAYER-conditioned” HAHAHA WOOO! Those church-sign-writers are up and coming stand-up artists.

  59. Thanks for being so fucking awesome last night in Denver, and for signing allllllll the books, and especially for bringing COPERNICUS, because he is my favorite. And because now when I’m low, I can look at my book and giggle and remember ‘Depression Lies’, because Jenny wrote it right there!

  60. Had a phone conversation earlier today in which I convinced the worker at Barnes and Noble in San Diego to read “Let’s Pretend…” and thebloggess.com. If you start a peddling empire like Mary Kay, I’m in.

  62. So, should I friend Jesus now? Do you think that would help with the whole rapture/ascension to Heaven thing? Wait.. do you “friend” someone on Myspace? I have some research to do. Thanks for the head’s up 😉

    Dr.Em

  66. That is funny!

    And I love that you lived in Pearland. I know people there, so I keep thinking, “I wonder if Jenny knows so-and-so? She’d really get along with them. But maybe not that other one though.”

  67. You’d think the supreme ruler of the universe could find a better social network than the fail that’s Myspace. Just sayin’.

  68. and he still wasn’t able to save it from its own demise. Guess Jesus should have tried dying for twitter since Satan claimed facebook. At least he’d have had more followers! (<- I'm probably going straight to hell for that joke)

  70. Myspace was the trashy version of FB. This could hurt Jesus’ image… best to let his PR team know and let them handle it rather than taking any rash actions like sign burning. PS – I wish I was in San Diego… jealous!

  71. The best part is, 14 year-olds are all, like, “Omigawds, that is SO dated!”
    BTW – This week YOU ARE COMING TO SEATTLE!!!!!
    Just in case you forgot. El yay – can’t wait!!

  72. I keep waiting for the rapture so that car in front of me WILL be unmanned and I can get around them. Also so some of the stupid people will be off my planet. Oh, yeah, I’m going to hell.

  73. Wait, you were in Pearland in 2008? You could have saved my sister’s marriage. Or something. But then I wouldn’t have her back in Atlanta.

    Never mind.

  74. I can’t decide if the best part of this post is the mental image of Jesus wiggling his nose a la Bewitched or the idea of Jesus using something as passe as Myspace.

    I do believe I’m going to use the phrase “What, can’t Jesus just wiggle his nose and make stuff happen?” in front of my Holy Roller Mother-In-Law and let the hi-larity ensue.

  75. so this was actually a prophecy…cause isn’t everything now in the ‘Cloud”?

  76. What if MySpace is hell? Like, all your friends from life are on Facebook. And you’re stuck over there like a fucking fool trying to connect with people who are there but don’t care. You would update your shit and no one would care. And finally, you try to kill yourself, but you won’t die… BECAUSE YOU’RE ALREADY FUCKING DEAD MAN!!!

    Or maybe I’m over thinking it?

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  78. Does this mean there’s not going to be any facebook in heaven??! No reason for me to be good at this point, really.

  79. Thank you for signing my book for me (and my late kitty Puck). I got a little emotional but it was totally worth the long freaking wait. It was fun chatting with the BlogHer/ Blogger girls in front of me, so the hour wasn’t totally torturous 😛

    Hope you enjoy your San Diego adventures!

    ~Samantha

  81. Oh Jenny, I awoke this morning from a shitty night including a dream where I was being surrounded by a bunch of catholic clergy and we were having a right old ding dong about the ultimate fantasy book, the bible. Billy Connolly popped in and through with all the clergy deferring to him and he turns to me and says “all right, wee Tam, we still on for dinner tonight”? And keeps walking up the grandest staircase to see the pope and then I woke up at 2 Am and went for a pee, that seemed to resolve the issue

    We, will burn for our unkind thoughts Jenny, do you hear me burn LoL

  82. Had a great time at your reading tonight!!! My sides hurt from laughing. I’m so impressed by your bravery. Thank you for coming to San Diego!!!

  83. I am broken up over missing you tonight in San Diego. I had to celebrate an anniversary of sorts, and have been waiting for you to knock on the door, all knock-knock motherfucker, in anniversary fashion….

  84. Crap, crap, crap! I can’t believe I missed your book signing tonight. I was so looking forward to it and then somehow life got in the way and I totally forgot that it was today in spite of the fact that it is on every calendar in the house and the one on my computer too…Damn. 🙁

  85. Religious folks are kind of funny. Jesus does so many things that seem weird. I just figured that’s how he rolled, lol.

  86. Hi Jenny! I just want to say thank you for coming to San Diego! You totally made my day, and it was so great to see that you’re just as sweet and nice and pretty as you are in my head. *that’s kind of creepy, but true* Thank you again for making it through what has got to be a pretty tough situation to make all of us stalkerfans very very happy. And, thank you for signing my baby.

  87. I love signs like this! I once saw one that said “First Anglican free church”
    I really wanted to go inside and be all like, “So what are we? Buddhist? Catholic? Whatever, as long as there isn’t an Anglican in sight!”

  88. As the daughter of a church secretary…er…business administrator or somesuchtitle, I can tell you two things:

    1. Churches are constantly trying to be hip when coming up with sign slogans are pretty much constantly about 10 years behind the trends…which makes for excellent brain candy whilst on roadtrips through the Bible Belt.

    2. There are actually collections of phrases for churches to put on their signs. I don’t know if they pay for these things, but if they do, goshdarnit, how do I get that gig? It seems like the easiest thing ever and a fun opportunity to slip things like, say, subtle plugs for Facebook in them…maybe Facebook would even sponsor my church-slogan work…I sense a burgeoning industry.

  90. I’m so sad I wasn’t in San Diego last night for this. It was on my calendar, but then I had to do a last minute trip and was out of town, damn it. I hope loads of people showed up and bought your book. I howled through the whole thing and had to give up reading it in bed because I kept waking the hubby up. Fantastic work, my friend, fantastic work!

  91. I often read your blog right before I go to bed because it usually makes me laugh so hard that it makes me tired enough to go to sleep. After reading this I had to drag my husband out of the bathroom while he was brushing his teeth so he could see this sign. Hilarious! I’m so going to hell with facebook.

  92. My friend and I passed a church one day and the sign read:

    JESUS CAME TO BRING LIFE

    We seriously had to resist the urge to change it to:

    JESUS CAME AT LEAST TWICE TO BRING LIFE

    Yes, I’m going straight to hell.

  93. I think this is just a play on words like he died for my space in heaven, because he had to die so we can go to heaven the MySpace is just to get attention but still everyones take on it is pretty funny lol

  95. See, I knew from the Christian Mingle commercial on TV that God does actual use the Interwebs.

  100. There is a church sign on my way to work every morning – this past week it has read “Stop Drop And Roll Will Not Work In Hell”. Give them an A for effort I guess…

  101. I love you, and this blog. but the thing I love most about this particular post is that people are so……….. special, that you actually have to include an ‘also, don’t burn down this sign”.

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