Today I’m in Seattle doing a reading and signing so while I’m away I’m reposting old posts because I’m lazy like that. This one is from 2008:
I don’t smoke so instead of taking smoke breaks at work I take talk-about-weird-shit breaks with my friend,DiscoJamboree.
Me (utterly depressed): I feel fat. I’m going to Blogher in a month and I’m getting desperate. I think I’m gonna try lipo-dissolve.
DJ (missing the opportunity to tell me I’m a waif-like twig): Lipo-what?
Me: It’s like liposuction that dissolves your fat cells, I think. They like, shoot some poison into you and it makes you shit out all your fat? Or something?
DJ: Yeaaaaah. Did you even hear what you just said?
(Me inside my head: *Wow. That sounded totally crazy.*)
Me (out loud): Yeah. That’s totally not crazy at all.
DJ: They shoot you with poison…and then you shit uncontrollably?
Me: Yeah, but, end result? Less fat.
DJ (Obviously not getting it and looking at me like I just grew a third eyeball): Or here’s a thought…maybe we could just incinerate you until you’re a tiny, crispy version of yourself?
Me: Look, I don’t really know how it works. Maybe they just perforate your bowel and everything you eat just leaks out. I’m not a doctor.
DJ (Whose tone implies the opposite): No, yeah. That sounds totally safe.
Me: Actually, the bowel perforation could totally work because whatever I ate could just come right out of a tube before it made me fat!
DJ (being very sarcastic and not at all supportive): And that wouldn’t smell bad at all.
Me: It would though be a little embarrassing having to aim my “bowel tube” into the trashcan at social events while I was eating.
DJ: And you’d be all “Sorry guys. I don’t know why I bought the clear tube. I had a choice between red or clear. Wrong choice obviously.”
Me: I don’t think it matters if the tube is clear. You’re gonna look anyway. It’s like when you throw up. You have to look at it.
DJ: Oh, of course. Same with pooping.
Me: Exactly. I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t look before flushing.
DJ: Actually, yes. I knew a guy who flushed while still on the pot.
Me: Well, that’s just reckless. What if there was something “untoward” in there?
DJ: Or something impressive. You need to be kept abreast of the situation.
And then we went back to work. We should probably take up smoking.