Lipo-poison

in Random Crap

Today I’m in Seattle doing a reading and signing so while I’m away I’m reposting old posts because I’m lazy like that.  This one is from 2008:

I don’t smoke so instead of taking smoke breaks at work I take talk-about-weird-shit breaks with my friend,DiscoJamboree.

Me (utterly depressed): I feel fat.  I’m going to Blogher in a month and I’m getting desperate.  I think I’m gonna try lipo-dissolve.

DJ (missing the opportunity to tell me I’m a waif-like twig): Lipo-what?

Me:  It’s like liposuction that dissolves your fat cells, I think.  They like, shoot some poison into you and it makes you shit out all your fat?  Or something?

DJ:  Yeaaaaah.  Did you even hear what you just said?

(Me inside my head: *Wow. That sounded totally crazy.*)

Me (out loud):  Yeah.  That’s totally not crazy at all.

DJ:  They shoot you with poison…and then you shit uncontrollably?

Me:  Yeah, but, end result?  Less fat.

DJ (Obviously not getting it and looking at me like I just grew a third eyeball):  Or here’s a thought…maybe we could just incinerate you until you’re a tiny, crispy version of yourself?

Me:  Look, I don’t really know how it works.  Maybe they just perforate your bowel and everything you eat just leaks out.   I’m not a doctor.

DJ (Whose tone implies the opposite):  No, yeah. That sounds totally safe.

Me:  Actually, the bowel perforation could totally work because whatever I ate could just come right out of a tube before it made me fat!

DJ (being very sarcastic and not at all supportive):  And that wouldn’t smell bad at all.

Me:  It would though be a little embarrassing having to aim my “bowel tube” into the trashcan at social events while I was eating.

DJ:  And you’d be all “Sorry guys.  I don’t know why I bought the clear tube.  I had a choice between red or clear.  Wrong choice obviously.”

Me:  I don’t think it matters if the tube is clear.  You’re gonna look anyway.  It’s like when you throw up.  You have to look at it.

DJ: Oh, of course.  Same with pooping.

Me:  Exactly.  I wonder if there’s anyone in the world who doesn’t look before flushing.

DJ:  Actually, yes.  I knew a guy who flushed while still on the pot.

Me:  Well, that’s just reckless.  What if there was something “untoward” in there?

DJ:  Or something impressive.  You need to be kept abreast of the situation.

And then we went back to work.  We should probably take up smoking.

120 thoughts on “Lipo-poison”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. See, I really like these “blast from the past” posts. I would have missed “DJ: They shoot you with poison…and then you shit uncontrollably?” which is, in itself, a classic line.

    Have a great time in Seattle! It is a fun town to explore!

  7. I know this an old post, but, I must say it again, I love your brain, Jenny!! Oh!! My book club is reading your book for our drunken get together next month!! We discovered quite by accident that Johnny Carinos has half price bottles of wine on Wednesday nights and you can totally take the bottle with you when you leave. It took two waitresses to bring us our alcohol last night!! 😀

  9. So… was this “shitting poisoned fat uncontrollably” discussion before or after the “psychopath on the other side of the bathroom door” incident?

  10. Flushing while sitting – is called – SHIPPING without the PAPERWORK – it is a courtesy thing for others who have to live withing a 100 foot radius of the bathroom.

    In my house you hear “SHIP! SHIP! SHIP! Send the paperwork later. Oh GAWN! SHIP NOW!”….. Sometimes you hear the WOOSH, other times you hear an evil laugh then me slamming the door as I exit the house and go to Starbucks.

  14. I like these blast from the past re-runs! Honestly, who doesn’t think about a way to suck out their fat without actually dieting or exercising. Because, truly, who has time for that? 😉

  18. I found out recently that one of my brothers DOESN’T look – which is really weird, given how much we all talk about poop. I don’t think he’s lying. I was talking about how nervous one of the toilets in my parent’s house makes me because the water level goes up an alarming amount before the flush. He had never noticed.

  20. I can tell this is from 2008 because if it were now, Doctor Who and the Adipose would have made their way into the conversation for sure. Which, btw, seemed like an excellent compromise for everyone. I’m not using my fat so they’re welcome to make babies out of it.

  22. I feel like if a person is going to get their fat sucked out, keeping it near them for always in a stylish yet practical mason jar of sorts should pretty much be mandatory.

  23. I think you might be on to something here. I find myself wondering how long it would take someone to actually shit out all of their fat. Do you have to take vacation time for this? Are you camped out on the toilet for days or is it just a lunch break kind of thing?

  25. Also, in my house not only does everyone look but sometimes we share with other. Usually because there is a plunger involved….

  26. Have fun in Seattle. It is supposed to be the hottest days of the year, today and tomorrow. So expect much whining and exhaustion from us NW’rs. (We complain about heat when it gets above 80.)

  27. This was the very best way to wake up this morning. I wish I had seen your talk last night, but I went to bed at 8 to try to make up for the night before, when the toddler woke me up every hour. And I am such a sucker…he kept telling me he had pooped and I believed him every time.

    I talk about poop a lot. “untoward” is right. Everyone looks.

  29. I always check before I flush & sometimes discuss my findings with my boyfriend. Infact (& fellow Lawsbians already know this) I knew he was the man for me when after dating for two weeks he sent me a text message saying “I have just had a green shit!! What does that mean?”. I was so proud….

  31. She’s finally in Seattle! Woooo! Seeing her tomorrow!

    Also, you don’t know this yet but my fiancee is your best friend, she says so all the time. That’s not weird right? You’ll meet her at Costco.

  32. Unfortunately, I’m still puffing on the fags but if I could find someone to have half as interesting conversations as this, it might help me to save a fortune and stay alive …..

    I look at mine, just in case you were wondering

  33. Some friends are so critical! I mean really. If that were me with you, I would have totally supported your idea. Hell, I would have done it with you…while smoking a cigarette though because I am not giving that up anytime soon.

  35. My co-worker and I regularly take talk-about-weird-shit breaks as the occasion demands. Frankly, with the world being in the state it is, I’m surprised that we get anything done during the day.

  36. You are SUPPOSED to look. A doctor friend of mine recommends it. Color is everything–gray poops means something is not right with your system. He had cancer of the liver, pancreas, or one of those organs–guess how he figured it out–his poop was abnormally colored. So it is healthy and beneficial to look at it.

  37. My husband flushes twice while on the pot. Not sure why. I asked him about it once, assuming he was embarrassed of poo noises, and he replied, “I don’t really know, I’ve just always done it.” Thanks honey, there goes the water bill for your unexplainable neuroses.

  39. I always flush DURING in public, just for the smell factor. This is a bit self-sacrificing, because, I agree, it’s just plain responsible to check out your poop for your own health’s sake, but sometimes you have to think of others.

  40. I wish I had friends I could have poop conversations with! They look at me in the strangest way…

  41. Just eat not fully cooked shrimp. Bad news? You will concoct food poisining that sends you into the ER because you are drifting in and out of consciousness. Good news? You will shed 8 lbs in 2 days and never crave fried shrimp again hence keeping off the lbs.

  42. Oh man, I totally thought I was odd because I look. It’s like you’re an angel sent from heaven to let me it’s all ok. A kinda messed up angel. Heaven must be a riot.

  43. What if you pooed and the poo looked like a letter or a number but you flushed before you stood up and then you WOULD NEVER KNOW?!?!

  45. I want to work next to you. Not if you decide to get the lipo-tube, though. Just for all the other banter that could happen. Although I was in my cube for over two hours yesterday when someone arrived to our little labyrinth area and immediately declared an overwhelming odor of animal decay and had everyone searching for a dead rat in their garbage cans and file drawers. I guess my sense of smell isn’t that great anyway….

  47. So you’re telling me you know someone who never took a picture of their “work” after their done? What a weirdo.

  48. Are you signing books in San Francisco? I’m getting p.o.’d with my local library for not having your book and I’d schlep to the city to get it if you are there. Would some stuffed pegasus cookies convince you? Of course they would only be stuffed with humanely killed pegasus. I’m enjoying the re-runs, runs on the other hand aren’t quite as enjoyable.

  50. You know, if you want a really good purge, you could just overdose on sugar free candies. I once made the mistake of eating Sugar Free Peeps followed by a handful of sugar free chocolate covered caramels. Whoa Nelly. I think my colon turned inside out. I’m not sure if any fat was purged that way, but I might have lost an internal organ or two. I didn’t check the toilet before flushing on that one. I didn’t want to know…

  51. A wise woman (you, I think) once asked her blind friend how he knew his butt was clean after pooping, since he couldn’t see the toilet paper.

    I think about that every day.

    Thanks.

  53. I love all these random posts!! Now I’m able to get familiar with the best of the best even though I’m clearly behind the obsession!! Thanks!

  54. Every time I follow the DiscoJamboree link (yes, I have done it before) I think “Wait, Jenny makes DJ sound so smart and sarcastic. Has this site been hijacked, or is DJ *so* smart and sarcastic that it’s over my head? I think I’ll go with DiscoJamboree is an evil genius.”
    Every. Single. Time.

  55. All I see in the first sentence is “shit breaks.” This is not ladylike.

    Totally amazed at how many girls are perfectly good with shitting all over the place to lose weight.

  56. Jenny, we need the power of social media that only you can provide!

    I know you recently had a horrible experience dealing with American Airlines. I thought you could sympathize with these parents! United Air lost their 10 year old daughter for about 2 hours, and instead of acting like humans, they acted like automated machines. http://t.co/tYN0Xyhd

  57. I love the double-entendre (even if it may have been unintended). I was expecting the “shit” in “talk-about-weird-shit breaks” to mean “stuff,” so it was pretty awesome when you were actually talking about literally weird shit. Nicely done!

  58. As you continue your book tour, I wanted to thank you for your recent stop in Phoenix. My sister-in-law and mother-in-law brought our copy (which we had mailed to them from Michigan) for you to sign — the one with the book plate picture of my husband and me. We just got it back in the mail from my sister-in-law and I love how you filled up the page with your autograph. No going halfway about it!!!

    Your book is a treasure and could only have been possible because of you and your extraordinary life. Keep plugging away because there’s got to be a sequel in there somewhere. Thanks again!

  59. This brings to mind the guy who flushed while still on the pot in an undersea vessel, and the flushing created a vacuum that sucked out his entire colon. True story. Alas.

  60. How is that any crazier than injection poison into your face to get rid of wrinkles? Sign me up for fat melting poison!

  61. So this has nothing to do with anything, but are you done collecting Beyonces? Because there is an AWESOME one out here and I want to send it to you but only if Victor is not going to come after me with a gun or something. Or you’re not going to sell it. I mean, I COULD get it for myself but there is no way in hell my husband would be down with a big metal chicken – I don’t even know where I would PUT the damn thing. I mean, we do have a huge yard and its totally overgrown and looks like a jungle. I bet I could hide it down there and it would scare the shit out of the kids who like to sneak into our yard. But maybe the dog could do that. But we don’t have the dog yet so I guess Beyonce could be a good start. But I’d much rather give it to you, actually, so…get back to me on that. Seriously.

  62. I just recently saw the video of Margaret Cho talking about her pomegranate diet. She definitely could have used a shit tube.

  63. I begged and begged for you to come to Seattle. Now that you’re here I can’t see you. Severely sprained ankle that I must stay off of as much as possible. Motherfucker. Thanks Universe

  66. If one were required to keep the sucked out fat in clear jars where they could see it, I think that we would have a lot less people needing their fat sucked out a second time. I know if I could just see my ex fat s(h)itting there that I wouldn’t want to eat anything too much!

  67. Guess where you are today?? Oh wait, you don’t really have to guess. And you’ve already said. Anyway: YOU’RE IN SEATTLE – EL YAY!!!

    P.S. Sorry it’s so insanely hot today, apparently we pulled out some freaky weather just for you.

    P.P.S. Also, sorry in advance if all I do is squeak when I see you. Or say something weird. I do that when I get all happy-excited.

  69. I like it when you repost old entries, because I’m too lazy to go back through the archives. I think you should do a ‘Best of the Bloggess’ series once a week. It’s a chance for those older posts to earn you some new fans!

  70. Your in my home town so I had to say something. But the line ““DJ: They shoot you with poison…and then you shit uncontrollably?” gave me the inspiration. I was laughing out loud. Yeah, I know all about that, it was chemo when I battled rectal cancer. It works too, lost a more body fat than they or I wanted to but I won the battle. You are priceless. I’m not in Seattle these days ( Atlanta Georgia) so can’t come to the signing but someday I will.

  71. I’ve come to the conclusion that you are all a little potty …….. get it? little potty……… no? oh well

  72. I so wish I could remember the name of the diet pill I was on for a while that call the “lava lamp crapper”. It was similar to what you described, I swear. The purpose of it supposedly was to rid your body of the fat you intook or discourage you from intaking it. Brief story and thus the reason of calling it the “lava lamp crapper”: See when you went which was pretty much whenever you ate or briefly thereafter. It separated the fat (oil) from the rest of your crap and made it an orange color. This would somewhat collect together causing a lava lamp type effect…NICE, right? This would have been fine and I could have handled my lava lamp crapper if it didn’t cause what seemed like gas in disguise. What you might ask? The thinking you need to fart and oh but nay you need to run for your life for the toilet.

  74. CRAP! Today I am in Seattle too (because I live here) but I can’t make it to see you. Can this day get any worse?

  75. Heard you on KJR this morning and it’s obvious that they loved you. Bob can be a dick to the guests that bore him. Unfortunately I will miss you tonight. 1) I didn’t buy a ticket, 2) it’s free winetasting night at my local wine shop and my wine rack needs restocking – taste AND buy? such a concept, 3) my cellphone got the white screen of death last night and I need to get a replacement. I have no doubt you’ll have a packed house. Hope you’re enjoying the unusually hot Seattle weather and get to wander around a bit.

  76. Welcome to Seattle. Please when you leave don’t tell anyone the sun was shining here and it was warm, we don’t like that to get around. Just saying.

    Hope to see you tonight.

  77. This probably isn’t the place to put this comment but….. I saw you last night at Powells and seeing you in real-life was really wonderful. You’re just as amazing and funny in person as you are in print. Thank you for bringing your real self to your fans! And props to the pharmaceutical companies that make the drugs that help you deal with the crushing adoration of your fans. YOU ROCK!

  78. I am sooooo excited to see you tonight!!!!! So amazing that you are in my town!!

  79. They should use this for D.A.R.E. ads: “Who needs tobacco when you can have weird conversations with friends about poop tubes? Just say no (and talk about poop tubes instead).”

  81. I have had the most brilliant idea to eliminate fat for years, just havent been able to execute (hate that). All you need is like a REALLY hot wire with heat resistant handles (don’t want to burn the hands) …. Heat it up, slide over unwanted fat areas and voila – fat is literally cut off of your body. Of course, it would leave a bit of a mess behind. Clearly, there are a few details to work out….

  82. This is only tangentially relevant to this post, but my coworker and I just looked up the median age in the US to determine how fresh, or not so fresh, from the lady-garden we are compared to the general population. Ladies, until we are greater than 39 years of age, we are fresher than most (by the numbers). After that, not so fresh. Thank you, internet.

  83. I’m definitely signing up for lip-dissolve, if only so I can go all Jackson Pollack with my leakage tube.

  84. What you didn’t realize was- smokers just smoke WHILE talking about weird shit. It’s multitasking!

  88. wait. if you flush while ON the pot, that’s totally dangerous. your ass could totally get sucked down. now THAT is crazy. and embarrassing.

  89. there are 2 kinds of people in your life. those you can talk about shit with..and those you can’t..

  90. You ROCKED Seattle tonight!! I’m the guy who gave you the crazy little squirrel toy!! Thank you for coming to our city!!! we love you Jenny!

  92. “Or something impressive.” I almost threw up I laughed so hard. In our house we refer to those as “museum-quality.”

  95. Oh my god, I always love how similar your conversations are to my own, and yet yours are infinitely more amusing! How do you manage to stay so witty and yet non-big-headed?

  96. I met you and you are even more wonderful in person! Thank you for the hug and thank you for not calling security when I gave you said hug.

  98. I find mushrooms make interesting viewing in the toilet pan. Just looking at them reminds me that I need to start chewing my food more.

  99. Okay, I have to say the crappy market research company I used to work for did some work for these people, trying to figure out what information people would want to know about the product I was convinced it was a scam and NO ONE COULD TELL ME HOW IT WORKED. NO ONE.

    So either it doesn’t work or it’s so top secret they can’t tell anyone anything about how it works. Since it’s not BlackRock or the during the cold war, I’m assuming it doesn’t really work. Plus they said at most you’d lose 5 pounds a time. AT MOST.

  100. I know it is old but please don’t start smoking, who needs smokinging when you have conversations like this.

  101. Just found this blog, so I am really happy about the blast from the past posts. Supposed to be feeding the kids… or something, but truthfully, this is so much more entertaining.

  102. I never looked at —you know, IT— until I was an adult and found out other people were looking. I’m a bit slow. But the link to your friend? What is happening there? Did someone hijack the postings because they don’t match the older ones in writing “style”.

  103. I love how your brain works. And I love that you have this kind of office chatter. Mine is just never as exciting and is usually about one of the guys who works the front desk. I know. LAME.

    Hope you’re enjoying your summer (and book signings)! XOXO

  105. I use my non-smoker smoke breaks trying convince various friends/co-workers to go back to school, to become plastic surgeons… so they could give me a free tummy tuck/boob job combo. It hasn’t worked… yet.

  106. I just read that Katie Couric was in Seattle too and she is reading your book! Coincidence? Was an article in The Seattle Times written by Nicole Brodeur (n case you want to read it)

  107. OMG that is totally crazy. Like, scary crazy. Like, who would be so desperate to lose weight they would even TRY that? And also, where can I get some?

  108. My favorite part of this dialogue is that you use the word “untoward” to describe what might be in the bowl. Hysterical.

  109. I need an update! Things are really rough right now, and I need my “happy pill”……that’s your blog. 🙂

  112. I’d much prefer the bowel tube to smoking, even though both smell bad.
    Maybe you could start a new trend. Instead of Joe Camel, Joe Bowel Tube. He’s clear so you can see the magic!

  113. OMGAWD!! Outa the whole entire World’s shit
    Your shit cracks the shit outa me!

  114. I was going to make a comment. On the “clear tube/red tube” part. But then I realized I was, in fact, speechless. Still am. Wow.

  115. Did you ever see that Doctor Who episode in which Donna and the Doctor battle some evil aliens that are advertising a weight loss technique by which “your fat just walks away”, which is just an evil and clever way of telling you that your fat is going to turn into little adorable fat monsters that hobble back to the mother ship and become an adorable fat army?
    Oh, just wondering.
    You should watch it before your Lipo-dissolve appointment. It’ll totally reassure you and stuff.

  116. I love these old posts, since I only recently found you it saves me the trouble of paging back endlessly. And this one? This one is a) hilarious b) very comforting, I didn’t know everyone else looked too, I thought it was just a freakish thing I do. Thank you for making me feel . . . uh, normal?

    Also, I bought your book yesterday, I’m so looking forward to reading it. I’m afraid though, I believe I will have to save it for a day when there is absolutely NOTHING else I have to do, because I can’t imagine I will be able to put it down until I am completely finished reading it.

  117. I didn’t read the very beginning of the post so when I got to the dialogue I thought the “DJ” was in fact a DJ. I thought you were in a club randomly talking to the DJ about bowel tubes. Honestly, I think it adds to the conversation.

  120. I know this is an older post, but I just saw it today, so I’m commenting. I know someone who never looks at their poops: my husband. He surpasses refusal to check the bowl by also refusing to look at the toilet paper. He just uses a WHOLE roll of toilet paper every time, flushes four or five times while he’s still sitting there, and assumes that’ll get the job done. So there are people (or at least a person) out there that doesn’t look at their poops.

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