And I’m proud to be an American but maybe not so much a Texan. Or an American. Never mind.

in Random Crap

 I’m in Seattle today doing a signing at Costco, but while I’m gone I’m reposting old posts.  Because that’s the kind of lazy I am.  This post was from 2008:

I’ve been on a Texas road trip for the last half week.  Real post coming.  Until then, a view from my car window:

texas.jpg

And while I’m at it, I took some pictures at an abandoned cemetery in Flatonia (shut up) and when I developed them I found no ghosts, but I did find this:

bear.jpg

I’m not one to jump to conclusions but I’m 100% certain that this is the spirit of a shrunken circus bear, or possibly a tiny Sasquatch.  Someone call Destination Truth.  Original photo is here.


434 thoughts on “And I’m proud to be an American but maybe not so much a Texan. Or an American. Never mind.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. That’s no bear – that’s Juanita Weasel before she got taxidermied.

    And now for a public service announcement – You ARE good at it.

  2. My favorite part of Texas was the drive through liquor barn where they would just throw a keg in your trunk for you.

  3. Sadly, places like Double Shot are what my boyfriend believes to be heaven on Earth. Seriously, if he could somehow get married in this drive-thru, he would.

    Unfortunately for him, he wouldn’t be getting married to me. Because fuck that shit, I’m getting married in a field of smilling flowers and prancing unicorns.

  4. Flatonia has (or had, as I haven’t been there in over 20 years) some great BBQ and the gas station sells/sold great jerky.

  6. I wonder if the attitude and behavior of these “dudes” is scaled back knowing NO ONE in the room has their weapon loaded. ??? Or do you think they all look sideways at each other trying to decide if the other gun-toting “dudes” (or “dudettes”) are abiding by the law of the sign by the front door??

  9. That, my dear Bloggess, is obviously an Ewok. It must have escaped from Lucas’ ranch. As for the guns and liquor thing – I’m from Canada. We don’t have that kind of thing. And I gotta say: totally okay with that.

  11. Honey badger haunts cemetary? Maybe it’s the spirit of one of your amazing menagerie? He probably wants to thank you for giving his physical presence such an amazing second act.

  12. We have drive-thru liquor stores in Kentucky, too! Although no rules posted on loaded vs. unloaded weaponry. Hmm …

  14. People who frequent gun stores dont have “attitude” towards other patrons. But I dont think mixing alcohol into the equation is helpful lol.

  16. I’ve never understood the “proud to be an American” thing, unless you’re an immigrant who had to do something to become an American.

    What exactly should I be proud of? That my parents had sex in America 33 years ago?

  19. I was just wondering, due to your picture of the innapproprate one-stop shop up there, do you have drive-thru alchohol stores? In Kentucky, not only do we have drive-thru ones, but the one by my home will actually let you buy alcoholic slushies lol. Apparently, it’s not illegal unless you put the straw in it because THAT would be encouraging drinking and driving…

  21. Oh Texas, how I miss you sometimes. Especially when I think of your drive-thru liquor barns. And the fact that at some of them you can also purchase your weapons…well, really, if that is not America then what is? I mean sure, guns and liquor don’t *usually* mix well, but hey, not having to get our your car has to help with the stress level, right? 😉
    And that is totally a circus bear…I am almost sure I saw juggling balls attached to his paws! 😉

  22. We don’t have drive-thru liquor stores in Wisconsin so I am burdened with the requirement of incessantly honking at a normal liquor store until employees come out and take my order.

    (I think your photo is a groundhog doing his rendition of the Thriller dance. It’s sad cuz he expected more of his crew to show up that day. They were all at home watching the Cowboys.)

  24. Yay – someone who’s heard of Flatonia! That’s where my parents used to meet halfway between Houston and San Antonio to swap me for visits. Nothing says neutral ground like a Dairy Queen in Flatonia.

  25. I used to buy alcohol at a drive-thru liquor store in Eulonia, GA. I live in a northern suburb of Seattle now, but there are days that I miss that drive-thru.

    See you tonight!

  26. Yes, spent much time in graveyards. Oh, and that thing in the back ground, it’s a monkey. You know you let your monkey frolic in the cemetery while you were visiting. Don’t go trying to pass that off as a tiny Sasquatch.

  27. I think it’s a shrunken circus bear. It appears to be posing like a pinup girl, which wild shrunken bears never do.

  28. There’s a Starbucks at a shooting range here. Indoors, of course. It’s hot outside.

    And we’ve got a brew-thru that serves margaritas. Taped at the top so that it’s not an “open container” in your car.

    I’m still amazed I didn’t have to get additional vaccinations and a stamp on my passport when I moved here.

  30. Duh. They have the drive thru for the people who refuse to unload their guns. You can’t be too safe in Texas.

  31. I IMMEDIATELY thought Sasquatch when I saw the picture. Texas is so cool… I never get to see Sasquatches in New Jersey. I did see a Chupacabra once though, which was totally awesome. I think he was lost.

  32. Its a tiny circus bear trying to hide from the hunters who just bought alchohol and guns at the drive thru.

  33. While you are in Seattle you have to check out the place that sells giant chickens. It is full of chickens that are probably related to you very own Beyonce and it would be a shame if you didn’t see them. It is on 85th ave NW near 15th ave.
    It would be a shame to not hear your take on this store with giant Beyonce like chickens outside.
    Also, I wish I could meet you tonight to tell you in person about the giant chicken store, and sound like a completely insane person, but my husband says that we must leave town early today to head towards Portland.

  34. You know, there is nothing quite like taking a picture of a monster lurking around an abandoned cemetery. Yuppers, no way that could back fire at all. No way that monster could haunt you and watch you from the shadows for the rest of your life or anything.

  38. Hilarious! Apparently Texas and Louisiana have the same classy Drive-Thru’s. Just saw one on a recent trip. Gotta love the South!

  43. How did you resist the urge to return to that cemetery & investigate? After visiting Doubleshot for unloaded guns & tranquilizers, of course…. shrunken circus bear or a sasquatch, it might be dangerous. Best to set out a saucer of Vodka and get it drunk & friendly, then dress it up in a tutu to take pictures.

    That’s what I’d have done.

  44. Hey Jenny,
    Saw you at Elliott Bay last night. You were great. Hope you’re having fun in the Emerald City.

  45. Each of these pictures could have easily been taken in Oklahoma, from which I recently escaped recently.

    I’m not sure about the Sasquatch. Though certain family members in the southeastern-most portion of the State that could well look like that.

  46. I recognize that critter as the gopher from Caddyshack! I wondered what ever happened to him. As for a combination liquor store and gun shop, complete with drive-thru window, that is wrong on so many different levels I don’t know where to start. I do believe it could be redeemed with a good taco stand though.

  47. This was one of my favorite posts on your blog! Glad to relive the hilarity one more time!!! You go girl!

  48. The first time I ever saw a drive-thru liquor store I could not believe my eyes. We don’t have them here in the Chicago area, but I have seen them in Ohio and Pennsylvania. Insane. And thanks for all the old posts. Awesome!

  49. Oh, um, that second photo? I’m pretty sure it’s my very hairy midget cousin. He’s been missing for a few years. You wouldn’t mind going back to that cemetary to see if he’s still there, would you?

    Not that I want him back. It’d just be nice to have an update for the family Christmas letter.

  53. You know, there are times I wonder about possibly moving to Texas. And then I remember what I’ve heard about the weather. And then I see pictures like this. And I start thinking about Portland instead!

  54. Hey, they’re clever with their store names and they have standards. You gotta love that. I think they shoulda sold espresso too, but that’s just me. Bang bang. Yeee haaawww! Hey, I was at the Natural History Museum in New York yesterday and I just kept thinking of you while I perused the vast array of “stuffed animals” as my son called them. Taxidermy and you. Perfect together! Mwah! <3

  56. Was TEH AWSUM meeting you last night, thank you so much for a stellar reading!!

    Um, but would you be hurt if I admitted I was just a TINY-TINY bit more excited to meet Copernicus? But it’s only ’cause I am of the monkey tribes, myself. I promise I will be super-more excited to see you at Costco tonight! Pinky swear.

    P.S. Hope the mustaches didn’t melt!

  57. For Canadians that 1st pic is as alien as the shots the Mars rover is sending back, except scarier. The 2nd shot is probably one of our beavers that didn’t stop for directions.

  59. Totally call destination truth! No drive through gun-liquor stores on this coast so you will be without it in Caoi but if you are bored in LA….I totally invite you to go destinatulion truth style hunting for bigfoot and the chupacabra. Seriously, I saw chuppie in my town(ok prob a mangy coyote but the chuppie rumor stands) and there have been bigfoot sightings.

  60. We have a drive thru store in Atlanta. It’s so awesome you can even call ahead and place your order so there is no waiting…it’s is a vision of lovelyawesomesauce. Is it sad that my kids get excited when we get to go to the “Sliding Door Drive-Thru”?

  61. Wow! Is Texas part of the continental US? 🙂 I shouldn’t be sarcastic. Here in Maine we actually had people dressing up like the Hamburgler and robbing drive-thrus. Sad, but true. And the bear… that’s an everyday thing. Had one peeking in the bathroom window of the house (seriously) the other day. Dirty little bears.

    Great post!

    Crystal

  62. I’m the first one here at Costco, I think. Apparently other people didn’t make it their day’s whole activity to be here. So I’m almost three hours early and just sitting in the food court because there is no line yet. I may have to flee to the bathroom and wait there if I keep getting weird looks.

    Also? Totally worth it. Love you, Jenny!

  63. I need to get myself to Texas. The closest I came to seeing wildlife today is a pigeon. PIGEON! It’s just a rat with wings. Mini sasquatch is just way cuter.

  64. A tiny taxidermied (that’s totally a word, right??) Sasquatch would fit in well with your stunning menagerie! Sally Sasquatch?

  65. You sure that’s not your President desperately searching for answers after service at the Duggars all you can drink moonshine and homemade weaponry drive thru.

  66. One of the best things in Texas! Seriously, where else would Dick Cheney be able to go to get bullets and beer before shooting somebody in the face?

  68. When I went back to Illinois to visit some relatives, they had drive through liquor stores as well! I was only 17 at the time, or you could bet a pretty penny I would have been making numerous visits. Now in my older and *wiser* years, I realize how irresponsible that place was, and I’m glad we don’t have them on the West Coast. 🙂

  69. Why can’t they make drive thru’s of things I can actually use… like one where I hand someone my grocery list then they just load up my car… or a drive thru for the dr. office… you pull up, they take your temp, look in you mouth, nose, ears, give you your meds right then, then you’re done. No waiting room, no bs.

  71. I’ll be glad to call Destination Truth. Mostly because I have a huge crush on Josh Gates.

  72. I see that the gun shop is open on Memorial Day… I guess it’s their way of honoring the service….

  73. Louisiana has one-upped us (and by us I mean Texas because even though I live in Arkansas I’m a lone star girl for life) by having drive-thru liquor stores that sell you mixed drinks…they usually put tape over the straw hole because that’s clearly a deterrent that no one would dare peel away.

  74. OMG…is that the Double Shot in Schulenberg?!? My best friend lives there and I joke about relocating from Ohio and buying that place. I cannot wait to show this to her!

  75. Today was our hottest day this year, and you’re in town. Coincidence?

    Washington state finally gave up it’s monopoly on hard liquor sales, I’m still getting used to seeing vodka at the drug store. But we’ve got a ways to go before drive thrus, though I can totally see a Kahlua Frappacino at Starbucks.
    And I’m far from expert on these things, but that mini weasel/badger/sasquatch hybrid looks like it’s running out of tombstones to tip, and that look says “I’ll remember you…”. I wouldn’t go back to Flatonia for while.

  76. Was thrilled to have you sign your book for my friend Stacey (who called my designated driver way to early at my class reunion last weekend) and I would have totally traded dresses with you. Love your book and your blog!

  77. Thanks for signing my book at Costco today, Jenny. It was so very great to meet you and Victor (bonus!). Totally worth the 200 mile drive!!

  78. Like ships passing in the night…I’ll be in Seattle next week. But not to sign fabulous books 😉 Hope the crazy weather didn’t melt you! I hear it is super hot…for Seattle.

  80. My friend is a teacher in Texas and said it’s not unusual for for children to stand up after morning announcements and proclaim, “Texas shall rise again!”.

  81. At first glance, I thought that sign said guns must be unhanded. I was picturing patrons sadly holstering their guns as they entered. LOL

  82. Thanks for visiting Seattle!

    Also thanks for the semi private book reading outside of Costco after the signing! That was a special treat worth hanging around for. 🙂

  83. You would love Norfolk, it’s like the Texas of England. I saw an unbelievably bad store sign recently & was in the process of trying to get a photo when the HUGE, Hell’s Angel looking owner came out….I swiftly rethought my plan to mock his business on the internet….I may sneak back under the cover of darkness..

  87. When my son Jon was about 13, he coined this phrase our family has used ever since: “Drive-thru liquor stores: for the drunk on the run.”

    ^_^

  88. Apparently they have added sexting, man cave, and f…bomb to the dictionary. I think it’s time to go in our shelters, people.

  89. I was wondering if you ever made it to Ye Olde Curiosity shop while in Seattle?

  91. Haha, drive through guns. What living creature deserves to die so much that it can’t even be given an extra minute.

  94. Is it a better idea to clean out the garage of all my shit and then kill myself? Or would it be better to kill myself first and then let someone else throw away all of my shit? I’m leaning toward the latter, since even if I try to clean the house the next person will still throw stuff away, and then I’ll be doing all that work for no reason. Still, I did tell my housemate I would clean out the garage by December 31. I’m not sure if it matters if I keep my word if I’m dead. The other person won’t even have to think about it, either, saving us both a lot of work. They can just throw everything away. They want to live more simply, anyway. I want to die complicated.

    (This might just be a joke, but just in case it’s not, DO NOT KILL YOURSELF. Remember that depression lies and you can’t trust your mind when it’s telling you to off yourself. Call a friend right now. You need help and you can’t do it alone. There are already too few of us already. Please don’t give up. ~ Jenny)

  95. I have seen drive thru liquor stores before, but never a drive thru gun store…don’t mess with Texas, right? <3

  97. I am not as worried about that marmoty thing in the second photo as much as the GIANT MOTHERFUCKING SNAKE disguised as a branch across the top of the frame which had to be practically touching your face.

  99. this reminds me of reading tea leaves at the chinese restaurant. there’s some crazy stuff in there!

  101. It wasn’t a joke. I’m sorry. Thank you for your kind words. I wish I had a friend to call.

    I’m really, really sorry. This was really the wrong place to reach out, on your blog. I just didn’t know where else to go. Thank you for responding, and thank you for your site. You’re really amazing, and your book reading was the highlight of my year. I wish someday I could be somebody.

    Thank you and I’m sorry.

    Don’t be sorry. I get that way sometimes too. I just have to tell myself to talk to someone and that’s what you need too. I can tell you for sure that your brain is lying to you. The world needs you. I promise. I sometimes feel like a nobody too. Right now I’m in a depression and I have to just remind myself that it’s not letting me see life properly. It’s not letting you see it properly either. Talk to someone. See a therapist. MAKE YOURSELF DO IT. You are so, so worth it. ~ Jenny

  104. Hey, Anonymous, please reach out to someone. Email me if you want to talk – book_ish at yahoo dot com. I’m slowly, slowly coming out of a really crushing depression and it bites. Jenny’s right – depression lies. It lies a lot and it’s sneaky and nasty about it, making you believe the worst things, things that just aren’t true.

    Please don’t give up. I know it’s hard to fight thru it, but it is better once you get thru it.

  105. Hey, Anonymous in comment 94 and 101,
    You already are somebody! I am sending you a hug and I hope that you find someone to call. You have a voice and are worthy of being heard.
    Take care of your precious self!
    Kate

  106. Dear #94 – A cluttered garage is NOT WORTH YOUR LIFE! Heck, open the doors and have a yard sale. Do it now and use your money to buy yourself something nice. 🙂

  107. Anonymous, you’re amongst friends. Even total strangers know you’re worth keeping around. *hug*

  109. Anonymous,

    please don’t kill yourself! I don’t know what else to say, but really, don’t kill yourself. I’m sure you have someone who would be devastated if you did. Call the suicide hotline if you must. That’s what they are there for.

    *sending hugs your way* please . . . don’t kill yourself. It isn’t worth it.

  110. Anonymous, I really understand how you feel. Life is so fucking hard sometimes! But please please please call someone. If you don’t feel you can contact a friend, please call a suicide hotline, they can help with stuff in your area. I know it seems so hard and hopeless, but trust me getting help is worth it. One day you will look back and be proud of yourself for taking that step. You are important and you matter!

  111. Oh Anon 94. I get it. I’m totally fucking miserable right now and would love it if there was just some way to disappear. But we just have to keep inhaling and exhaling and holding on to the tiny little things until we come to the surface again.

  112. Please don’t do it! I’m telling you! You are worth it! The ones left behind (regardless who they are and whether you think they care or not!) will never forgive themselves for that act.
    Please take care of your self! Have I wish you a fabulous (or a better one at least!) day!!! xoxo

  113. Comment #94 – you are not alone, even if you don’t think you have a friend to talk to. There is someone available somewhere. You took the first step by reaching out here, now take another step by calling the number in comment 102 or looking up a local crisis hotline. There are services out there – please try them! People care about you, even if you can’t see it right now.

  114. Dear Anonymous,
    Please call the sucicide prevention line. They are there to help you! 8001-273-TALK (8255). Jenny is right, your brain is lying to you…no matter what is going on in your reality, suicide is not an answer. You are a valauble human being. Your presence matters to someone. It matters to me. It matters to Jenny. That’s 2 people you didn’t know about before this moment. That means it matters to others, only you just aren’t aware. Call the number until you can get to a doctor. Please!

  115. No. 94 & 101, PLEASE please please call someone. And if you truly don’t have anyone to call, call the Hopeline at 1.800.442.HOPE (4673) or call 1.800.SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).

    I promise you, no matter how desperate it may seem, there are people out there who care. And a hell of a lot of them right here. I’ve known a lot of people struggling with depression and they have all added so much to my life. They deserve to live, and so do you.

  116. The fact that u reached out means some part of u wants to live. So do it! Call the hot line, or the Web site. You are not alone! please keep responding so we know you passed this bump. We are all rooting for you!!

  117. Anonymous, I’ve been there and come out the other side of those feelings (more than once) – it’s a lie, there’s so much in life to enjoy. If you don’t have a person to call, call 911 – they’ll help you. Losing another life is an emergency worthy of their attention. Please find someone who can help!

  118. Comment #94

    Do not give up! You are worth the effort it will take to reach out. But you have made a huge step by posting here. Do not give up!

  119. Jenny is right. Depression does lie. Don’t listen to it. There are people who are willing to help, and willing to talk. Give yourself a chance to connect to them. The National Suicide Prevention group is willing to listen. They will not judge and they will be there for you. Please, at least talk to them. 1-800-273-TALK (8255). Give yourself a chance. You are a somebody. You do matter. Reaching out is the first step in acknowledging that fact.

  120. Anonymous: Jenny is right. Depression LIES. It’s a lying, cheating bastard who wants to literally rob you of your life. You ARE worth something to someone, even if your brain doesn’t believe you. Talk to someone, anyone. This WAS a good place to reach out, because people here are going to understand what you’re feeling (as much as anyone not feeling your feelings directly can) and be able to support you. Don’t apologize for reaching out – it’s the best thing you can do for yourself. Call the suicide line at 1-800-784-2433 or 1-800-273-8255 to talk to someone who can help, if you have no one else to understand. None of us can do it alone forever.

  121. Dear Anonymous,

    Everything Jenny said is exactly right…and remember you may be feeling like you’re nobody but that is also a lie. to someone you are a hugely important person. You may not see it, you may not think it, but you are. The hardest thing in the world to do is reach out…but it gives the most awesome results.

    Please don’t use a permanent solution to solve a temporary problem.

  122. Hey Anon @94 and 101

    You are somebody. You are somebody with thoughts, hopes and fears. You are somebody with desires and disappointments. You are somebody who is noticed by others, even if you don’t realise it.

    You’re that person now, not ‘someday’. Heck, you got someone from 4,000 miles away to respond!

    Please do yourself the biggest favour you can. Don’t listen to your head. Right now, it’s lying to you. Get some help, talk to someone (even if it’s some random bloke in England!)

    Because it’s worth it. It’s always worth it.

    Love, light and happiness.

    Phil

    Because everyone is someone

  123. Hi, Anonymous – I don’t know who you are, but I don’t want you to kill yourself.

    Read that again – I have absolutely no idea who you are, but I want you to be here, and I know you can feel better with help. I know it.

    Jenny is right – depression is a lying sonofabitch, and it sucks like no other. I know (I’ve had it since I was a kid). Look – no matter what, someone you know will listen to you if you tell them how awful you feel right now. That’s the truth. Please, please do so. Call that person, those people. Call the suicide prevention hotline. I have. It helps. I promise you.

    1-800-273-TALK (8255)

  125. 94, you are not alone. The world is a magnificent place and there are more than a few us who have been where you are. Please don’t kill yourself. Death is not the answer.

  126. Hi Jenny and Anonymous,

    She’s right, there’s always someone to talk to, and the world does need you, no matter how sad you become. Take a walk, feel the breeze and you will immediately start to feel better. A friend of mine actually tattooed the words “depression lies” on her wrist to remind herself of that whenever she feels like she’s spiraling down. I’ve felt it too, and often, and it’s sort of become a mantra. All my love to you both.

  127. Hey Anonymous,
    the last time I was as depressed as you are, I was joking w/ a friend about killing myself, and she had the kindness to tell me to CALL THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY. If you are able to get meds, do it right away. Your brain is not working properly right now, it’s not good or bad, it’s just the way depression works. Meds will fix it. Good luck to you.

  128. Dear Anonymous 94
    You are somebody. Hang in there. Get help, get meds. You cannot do this alone. (believe me, I’ve tried)
    Consider this the kick in your ass you need to move forward. You’re worth it. YES, YOU ARE. You can argue with me about a lot of things, but not about that.
    Hope things will get better for you.
    Love, Lin

  129. You are worth fighting for. It will get better. Give yourself and others a chance to see how wonderful you are. It’s not always going to be easy but it is a fight worth fighting. Please don’t give in to the lies that depression is feeding you.

  130. Call a hotline,1-800-273-8255. The only thing that helped me out of my depression was accepting that it was okay that I was upset and talking to a professional. It’s important to find some one.
    If you can’t afford a therapist, you should talk to the people on the hotline, they may be able to recommend some local help.

    Be kind to yourself; there’s no shame in being upset and there’s no shame in asking for help in dealing with it, no matter where you go.

  131. Comment #94… Do talk to someone. Right now.
    I’ve been there, more than once, and I swear it gets better. No matter how tired you are, right now, of trying and no matter how much every fiber of your being is telling you that you’re done and death is better..life gets better.

    Don’t believe your head.
    Find someone to talk to. Right now.
    I promise this world really is worth sticking around for.

  133. Anonymous,
    Please hold on. You can get through this. It will get better. Please continue to reach out for help. Even though you can’t see it, you’re important.

  134. Dear Anonymous,
    Please stay. I know how much it sucks and how completely impossible it feels right now. But what Jenny says is true: depression LIES. It’s not easy to get out if that dark place, but you CAN do it and we want you to.

    The other week when I was feeling super blue, I rewatched this: thebloggess.com/2012/04/depression-lies/ . it helped. I hope it helps you, too.

    sending you love and strength.

  135. One of the beautiful things about the Internet is it can help us to see that we’re not alone. None of us are ever really alone and you’re not some oddity of nature-others feel as you do. You can get through it…even when it seems you can’t. You can.

    Jenny’s right…talk to someone. If you don’t have anyone to talk to and can’t find a resource locally you can call 18002738255 and they’ll find someone locally that would love to help you get on to better days.

    Don’t act on these feelings…get past them.

  136. Anon – this was absolutely the right place to reach out. “We” are your people and we care. Depression lies and depression is hard and awful and so unfair but everyone wants you to fight against it. And you can. And you must. Please please please call or chat with someone through all these wonderful resources listed.

  137. Anonymous #94, Depression is a very sneaky, very clever liar. It takes things and twists them just enough that they look true when they’re not. You think you’re making sense when you’re in the grips of it, but you’re not; not really. You had the courage to post on Jenny’s page – please call and talk to someone at Suicide Prevention. Nothing stays the same, so just get through the rest of today. Tomorrow will be different (can’t promise better but different is a start).

  138. Anonymous; I hope you are reading and can hang on. Jenny is so right; depression lies. Please try to contact someone. You are somebody, don’t let a disease that can be treated take you!

  139. Hey anonymous! You DO have friends. Friends you haven’t even met yet. Trust me on this. I was once so depressed I almost hurt myself too. I could not even FATHOM that life would get better. Then the fog lifted and it DID.

    You have people who care. I care. Jenny cares. And we haven’t even met you yet. If you need someone to listen right now, there are so many free and inexpensive resources. Just google. I promise it is worth it. Don’t quit. We need you.

  140. Anonymous, everyone is important to someone. You are important to someone. You may not even know it. But you have affected someone in a way that makes them strive to reach for the stars. Please don’t take yourself away from the people who will miss you. And, whether you believe it or not, YOU WILL BE MISSED. Please stay and give yourself a chance. And call someone – even if you think they don’t care. I guarantee you they do. Your mind is playing tricks on your emotions. Don’t let it win. Fight!

  141. Anon- here’s my email
    Brandybutler77@yahoo.com

    Email me and I’ll give you my number- lets talk.
    Words might not mean a ton to you right now. But you.are.precious.
    You matter. Please reach out.

    I’ve been there. Probably not in your exact situation but in a place where
    This seems like the most logical outcome. Thinking about you-

  142. To Anonymous: the hardest thing to remember when depression tells you that no one will care and no one will miss you is that people DO care and you WILL be missed. Depression makes you lose sight of that. Ive struggled with depression since I was 11 years old (the earliest bout I remember).

    Please reach out to someone. Anyone. Call a local hotline. Open your phone book to psychologists and call one. Dont be afraid theyll ignore you. Call your doctor. Trust me, I did this. I was not ignored & I’m doing much better now because I reached out.

    You are a valuable person whether you see it right now or not. Dont give up on yourself.

  143. Anonymous – I just want to echo what Jenny and others have said.
    You matter. You are here for a reason. You are cared about. You are valuable.
    Get the help you need.
    Sending you all the love and strength that is possible through this message.

  144. Anon- it’s dark, and it sucks, and it WILL pass. You can find your light. There are lots of us out here-but we can’t afford to lose even one. YOU make a difference. Just reach out to the people who can help you. Don’t let the lies in the darkness win. You are worth much more than that.

  145. Hey Anonymous – I hope you see this.
    If you want, you can call me, email me or text me if you need someone to talk to. I’m no therapist, but I am more than willing to listen. Email me @ jessnsb@gmail.com if you want, I can send you my cell number that way. Anytime, seriously. You’re worth it.

  146. Anonymous (#94 & #101),

    Please don’t give up.

    It feels like everything’s on your shoulder; you’re a burden to everyone around you. That’s a lie. Whatever is making you feel this way is (truly) only a fleeting moment in the span of your life. It’ll get better. Don’t do either one of your plans (the garage issue). Stick around. Find someone to talk to. If you can’t afford a therapist, call the hotline someone already listed above right now.

    I’ve had a few people threaten to commit suicide. I’ve thought of it myself sometimes, too, but I’ve never told anyone. But I’m still around. They’re still around. Please know that when those people in my life verbalized their desire to die, I was terrified for them. I love them to pieces, & I’d be absolutely lost without them if they weren’t in my life.

    I can only assume that this is the same for you. Don’t isolate yourself from your loved ones. They need you just as much as you need them.

    Thank you for reaching out. I hope from the bottom of my heart that you call that hotline right now & get the help you need. & I hope you also choose to continue living this life here on Earth. You are a valuable human being.

    Please come back to let us know how you’re doing. We all want to know.

    *Gentle hugs*

    Meagan

  147. Hey Anon #94 please don’t do it, you can e-mail me at diasmarrones@gmail.com if you need someone to talk to but please, please be strong and listen to what everyone is saying. Hang in there! Love, Eva

  148. #94, I can only feel that you wrote your comment here for a reason- because you KNOW Jenny and her readers can reach deep inside your pain and offer you a hand. I’ve never been where you are, and I won’t pretend to be able to relate- but I have lost a friend to suicide, and I can tell you that I miss him. 13 years later, I miss him. Someone will miss you- I promise. In fact, I am willing to bet that there are A LOT of someones who will miss you.
    Please call someone, even if it’s a stranger on a hotline- please just let someone hear your voice, and hear their voice in return.
    Please. Please take a hand.

  149. Hey, Anonymous —

    I think I may almost understand (as much as we can truly understand another person’s pain.)

    I’m at the lowest point I’ve been in my life since 2005. Every day is a tremendous struggle, and without the community of friends I have found on the internet, plus family, I would not be sitting upright. I’m so mad at myself that this has happened again, so tired, yet so dedicated to this struggle, regardless. Depression is a liar — it is not, in any way, the truth, although I know it can feel like that.

    Please do not hurt yourself. There is a reason why you are still reaching out, why you are still here, and I know you may well feel it deep, deep down, even if you don’t quite know what it is. Keep leaving comments, at least…I know Jenny doesn’t mind.

    Best of luck to you.

  150. Anonymous, I understand how you feel! Please remember that you’re not alone! Many of us get into awful depressive funks, where all you can think about is that the world would be better without you. Don’t listen to that mean voice in your head, it lies! You’re the best you in the entire world, and it would be a sadder place without you! Huuuuuugs!

    Please do call someone. Do a search for “Crisis Line” or “Crisis Clinic” in your area, so you can talk to someone about what’s bringing you down. See a therapist if you can! Try the suicide chat option posted above (comment #107). If you like Reddit, go to: http://www.reddit.com/r/depression, they are very open and loving and would love to talk to you. PLEASE reach out to someone, either a friend, or call a Crisis Line, or talk to us online. We’re here for you, and we want you around!

  151. Commenter #94: YOU ARE WORTH IT. You are a gorgeous, intelligent, worthy person. Know that you have family, friends, and a ton of blog readers behind you to support you. We love you.

  152. Anonymous: You are already somebody. And the fact that you wish for a different kind of “someday,” should be enough to make you realize that you don’t really want to die. Cling to that tiny part of you and let it push you to get help. You may think you have nobody, but I can assure you that you do. That person may not be a close friend–maybe a co-worker, a classmate, a doctor, that roommate that’s hassling you to clean out that garage–someone! Just tell them what’s going on. You may not feel like it’s the truth, but people want to know. They WILL help. You can even drive to the nearest hospital or police station and tell them. They’ll get you the help. They’re legally required to. You are somebody. You are worth it.

  153. Dear #94 Anonymous,
    Please don’t kill yourself. It’s not the answer. I know because I have been that dark and that low that I did try to unsucessfully kill myself. And I’m proof that it does get better and there is light. But you have to ask for and seek help. Please do not do this. Please! There is always light.

  154. Anonymous,

    I’ve been there, not in your garage, of course, because that would be creepy and unbelievable, but I’ve been there with the depression and suicide.

    If calling a phone number isn’t doing it for you, get to the nearest emergency room. Tell them you are suicidal and need their help. The nurses, doctors, all of those real live caring people will take care of you. Just focus on short term solutions right now — and that means taking care of you.

    With love,
    Greg

  155. I like Brandy’s approach (138) the best out of all of ours so far.
    I’m terrible at phoning, and others will probably be better able to help you, but if you do need to email me, feel free.
    SGSpeights@gmail.com

  156. Hey Anonymous. I don’t know you, obviously. But I don’t want you to die.

    Depression is sneaky, clever- and very good at lying. My best friend struggled with depression, and though he was as dear to me as my husband and someone who was part of my daily life- there were times he was convinced he was ruining my life and that he was truly alone. I say struggled because he became very sick and died- while it wasn’t a suicide, I know that near the end when he was ill he would tell me that I was his only friend. And he touched so many lives- I wasn’t surprised when 200 people showed up to his memorial. He made impressions on people without realizing it.

    You posted here, which means part of you is still fighting it. Please, call the Suicide Prevention line 1-800-273-8255 Talk with them. And just keep going one day at a time.

  157. Anonymous #94

    I am so so sorry you are in such a dark place. depression is a manipulative monster that attacks sometimes when we least expect it. if you don’t have anyone to talk to you can call me. i know we don’t know each other but i’ve felt how you are feeling. please know that it does get better. email me if you want to talk. aly.fitzpatrick@gmail.com

  159. @Anon94 and 101,
    Please, PLEASE call someone…and contact your doctor tomorrow. I know this, as I’ve been there. Depression is a lying liar, but it is treatable – it just doesn’t want you to think so.
    You can do this. Love to you.

  160. #94 there are so many of us that want to keep you alive. Please reach out to any of us. There isn’t anything that you are gong through that someone here hasn’t glimpsed or lived.

    Last week was one of the very hardest of my life and I woke several times in a severely depressed state. Get help

    Wilyguy@gmail.com – use it.

  161. Hold on another day. On the deep dark days, that’s all I could do – hold on another day.

  162. Anon – please take the advice of the great people here – call someone, call the hotline, go to the websites, email for help. Even going to the hospital ER.

    You are worth it!!

  163. Anonymous,
    I’m so sorry you’re in a dark place. It is a really rough place to be in. As Jenny says, depression lies. I know I can’t offer any new words, but please remember you are a person of worth. Even if you don’t see your worth, others do.

  164. Anon, I have been there quite recently. Just keep telling yourself you do matter to someone. Because you really do. If you can’t think of anyone else you matter to me and I know you matter to Jenny and all of the previous commenters. You can make it. We believe in you. May our love surround you in your darkest hours. Love, Tammy Sue Proctor

  165. Anon/94,
    You’re getting good advice here. The universe has not invested 20+/- years in you just to have you decide to kill yourself. You have a MINIMUM of one purpose in the world, and probably many, many more, we usually do. Maybe it’s to be the person later who looks at someone else who is in the same mental space you’re in right now, and says “don’t do it” to them. The one who gathers somebody in their arms and says “cry it out, baby.”
    Today, I’m being one of those, as have a few others who have already posted.
    We know; it hurts. It’s feeling like too much.
    But you’re stronger and smarter than a collection of malfunctioning chemical manufacturing organs in your body. It’s like somebody lying to you about … what? A job you did? How well you sang? Danced? Drew a horse? Because it’s self-centered, like the liar who said your horse sucked, or that your choir practice sucked. You look that no-goodnick in the eye and say “Stuff you. The Bible says make a joyful noise unto the Lord. It doesn’t say beautiful, it says joyful.”
    I’m not even a Christian, and I get that one. It means you do YOUR thing, and let the little niggling doubts fall where you trample them into the ground.

    Pick up something you made. I don’t care what it is. A biscuit, a grocery list, a ceramic from grade school. Look at it.
    Look what you did. You have brought beauty into the world. What else might you miss out on achieving if you let this go?

    Your endocrinology has been subverted, like virus in a computer, and you need to do a malware purge.

  166. Anonymous, Please call someone. I know life can be hard. but please call someone. there is help and it is totally worth it because you are worth it.

  167. Anon,
    Depression is a dirty, nasty bitch, DO NOT ALLOW IT TO WIN. Please don’t cheat the world and yourself out of who you are and who you’ll be in the future.

    It may be the hardest first step you’ll ever take, but you MUST reach out to someone. As Jenny said MAKE YOURSELF DO IT! Read and re-read all of the comments here and visit some of the sites people recommended. Call/contact someone, even if it’s a hotline, as the people you’ll find there are trained to help you get through this. Keep doing these things until discontinuing your life IS NO LONGER AN OPTION. We are all pulling for you, even though you’re the one who’ll have to fight the battle.

    *hugs*

    Life is worth it, YOU are worth it. Don’t ever let anyone or anything, especially depression, convince you otherwise.

    peace and love,
    k

  168. Anon-
    So many of these people including myself have felt in some way how you do right now. Depression is like a fog that you can’t get through. You don’t know why you feel the way you do, or how you got to a point so low but you’re there and it feels like there is no way out. The worst is people not understanding what you’re going through- but we do. It takes time and it takes hope. I just got out of a 2 year depression that was my hardest yet- when I read your post I cried. I so want you to hold on until you get through this. Please talk to someone, you are worth it.
    Victoria

  169. Anon, please hang in there. There is no glory in dying “complicated”. People will only mourn the fact that you aren’t around. Many of us, including me, have been where you are right now…each for our own personal reasons. You might feel like you don’t have anyone that cares, or that there’s nothing more for you to do, but there are..and there is.
    There is so much you’ll miss if you call it quits now. Fight. Fight every day and beat the depression. Because when you come out on the other side, you’ll be so grateful you did. Best of luck to you. Please don’t leave.

  171. Number 94… It is not fun to feel like your life sucks… Sometimes you feel like the world shit on you and it’s not worth wading through it just to come out and still smell like shit… Remember there is soap and perfume 🙂 I’m fairly certain your problem is not cleaning the house, it’s something else…WRITE IT DOWN in a journal whatever, transfer the problem to the paper and then make a plan. Even smiling once a day or going out of your way to make someone else’s day will make yours better… It is the little things and baby steps, like the ones you used to take when your parents told you to go to bed. Smile and thank God you are not held hostage in a cage… See there’s one thing you have going for ya 🙂 hang in there!!!

  172. Anonymous,

    Please, please, please don’t give up. I’ve been where you are. I know what it can be like. It’s not worth losing your life over, believe me. I got help, I got back up on my feet, and now I’m moving forward again. Depression lies. It steals, it manipulates reality. It’s horrible. Just please hold on. I promise there’s a sunny day awaiting you!!!!
    Much Love,

    Wiserlemming

  173. Anonymous, I know how tired you are. That no amount of sleep is enough, and you never wake up lighter. But there will come a day when you ARE just a little bit lighter, and I want you to be here to feel that. And to begin to hope. It will get better. You DO matter.

  174. Anonymous –

    I can’t pretend to know what pain you’re going through right now, but I can tell you that pain will pass. YOU are important and you are loved. Look at all these complete strangers who can care so much about you. You are not alone! Depression is a terrible opponent but you can win this fight. You are stronger than you know and you have an army (us) to back you up.

  175. Hi Anonymous of comment 94. the world is better with you in it. Please call or reach out to the contacts provided in other comments here. Stick to the official ones if you can. Look, life may not be what you were expecting. OK. Life is entirely about putting one foot in front of the other and continuing on. Have confidence that there is another step forward and it is just that. Accept that next step for what it is and let go of the expectation of what it should have been. There are a lot of comments here from people expressing genuine concern. Take heart in that. Strangers care. It would probably be a good idea to step away from your computer for a while too. This can be a very lonely exprience. Go where other people are, enjoy some sunshine, take a walk, let go, rest, discover some gratitude for the little things around you. They are what make up the world and what makes it good.

    Please don’t give up. Depression absolutely lies.

    peace.
    –sean

  176. Anon,
    A year ago last week my husband tried to kill himself. He got help and today will tell you it’s the stupidest thing he ever did. Life is like a wave and right now you are at a low spot full of turmoil. That doesn’t mean it will always be like that. You are so much more than THIS MOMENT. Don’t give in to the darkness. Find someone and talk, get help so that you will want to see the sun shine again. You can do this. We all believe in you. cbtegue@aol.com is my email. Contact me if you need to. I promise it does get better.
    connie

  177. Anon, of all the places to reach out, this was the RIGHT one. Part of my love for Jenny is that she talks about her depression and fears, doesn’t lock them away and pretend. Love yourself. This is a brief time in the history of your life. Things can be different.

  178. It WILL get better. People kept telling me that, and I could barely believe them. But then it did. It got better. Even though I thought it never would. You WILL survive this. And you will come out stronger on the other side.

  179. Never posted here before, but commenter 94 – these people are right. Depression lies, and I’m lucky that my awesome wife was able to tell it to go screw itself, otherwise we might never have met. Good things will come to you if you can hang in there.

  180. Hey Anonymous. There is no wrong place to reach out. I’d welcome someone asking for help in the middle of my wedding if it would prevent me finding out I lost them the next day.

    We’re all strangers here, but we share some things. A desire to laugh, sure… But more it’s a desire to laugh in spite of fear, pain, sadness… Even tragedy. I think what Jenny attracts are people with light in them, who want to shine despite the challenges they gave. I have to assume you’re like that too, or you wouldn’t have found your way here.

    I’m lucky in that I don’t suffer depression issues, but I have friends and family who do, and the phrase “depression lies” is SO true. As someone looking from the outside, in, it’s a lot easier to see options and possibilities when you’re not carrying that heavy weight. But I can say, with absolute certainty, that nobody lacks purpose, only direction. Nobody lacks worth, only a plan. We all, each of us, has value, and our loss creates a void that should have been filled with memories, laughs, live, losses, and tears. That includes you. Who can tell what things may happen to you and for you on the near and far future? I can’t. But I can tell you there’s a million billion moments to be had, that you’re supposed to have, that make up a life. Not all of them are good moments, true… But the ones that are… They can be SO good. Please allow that this place you are in right now… Maybe it’s one of the bad moments, and allow that it can be followed by a better one.

    Sometimes we get so low that I think it’s hard to remember that other times lift us high enough to make the bad times worth it. Please talk to someone, and at the very least… Wait. Just wait. Give it time to change.

    I don’t know you anonymous, but I care. There are a lot of people here who seem to really care. That’s something, maybe? Take their advice, talk to someone, and hang on. I really think things will get better.

  181. Anon/Commenter 94:

    You don’t have to apologize. You did a good thing – you told somebody and there are people who are listening. I know that you probably feel alone, but look at all of these people responding to you – we care, we’re listening, we want there to be you in the world tomorrow and next week and next year. And I know that it doesn’t feel like it, but the pain does change, it lessens, and sometimes it ends.

    There are people listening. We want you to keep being in the world. Thank you for being brave enough to reach out.

    You are heard, you are cared for, you are heard, you are important.

    I hope that there is a world with you in it for the forseeable future.

    My name is Krista. I’ve been where you’re at and, although it’s never the same for two people, I know that feeling alone is the worst kind of feeling.

    You’re not alone.

  182. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary feeling and temporary circumstances. Please don’t make the mistake that others have made. It is never, ever worth it. Don’t listen to the depression and don’t let it win. You can beat this one day at a time.

    Take a deep breath (or several) and tell yourself that you can do this. I have to remind myself often. Life is hard and heartbreaking and doesn’t make sense sometimes, but it is an appointment that we are called to, and there is a purpose for it all. Believe that.

    I pray things turn around for you. You have friends here. Know that people care.

  183. Anon, depression sucks and is a lying, stinking bitch. I’ve been in the psych ward five times starting at the age of 15, at least three of those times while on meds but this last time, I was not on medication and my emotions were all over the place. Everything was overwhelming. Every single emotion I felt was 10 times more intense than it should have felt. I didn’t just get angry, I would get FURIOUS and throw things and scream. I didn’t just get sad, I would get depressed and not be able to leave my bed and spend the day crying or sleeping and my chest would feel so tight I would want to go to sleep and not wake up. Loneliness would feel SO horribly unbearable that I couldn’t stand it. It was all SO much, the feelings were SO intense it was too much for me to handle. I was actually starting to drink to try and numb the feelings even a little bit because like I said, it was just too much for me and finally I couldn’t do it anymore, I had to do something and I went into the psych unit and was put on meds and they have helped SO MUCH. My emotions are SO much easier to deal with, they’re nowhere near as intense and I can think and deal with things and plan and do what I need to do and function, things that are all SO hard when you’re in that grip of depression. It’s something I will probably always deal with because both of my parents suffer from mood disorders and my siblings have issues with depression and mood disorders as well. Get help because when you do feel better, it’s amazing how much better you feel when you do and you realize how bad it was, you know? It’s not easy to get help though, I know. My husband doesn’t believe in mental illnesses so when I went in, I practically had to do it behind his back. But I knew if I didn’t do it, it would only get worse.

  184. Anon, I want you to know that when I was 9 years old my cousin came to visit my family. It was the first time I was old enough to remember meeting him, and I loved him intensely. It was a wonderful visit, and it is full of the only memories I’ll ever have of him, because he killed himself three years later. Three years after that I entered my own bout of depression. Three years after THAT a boy at my high school killed himself. I wasn’t terribly close to him, but his death devastated me nonetheless. These days I’m doing much better, but I miss my cousin as desperately as I did the winter I was 12, and the other boy still tears me up as well. I have NEVER recovered from their deaths, and I can confidently say I never will. These days my most desperate wish is to have them both back, even if just for a day.

    Please, please, PLEASE get some help. You may not feel like it’s worth it, but it is SO SO worth it. Know that everyone here loves you and cares about you, me included. It may be too late for Aaron and Joel, but it is NOT too late for you.

    You are worth it.

  185. Anonymous, you can do it. You can hold on while depression batters and beats you. You are stronger than you know. Please do not give in to the lies that depression is bombarding you with. We’re here with a shoulder to lean on, a hand to hold. All of my best goes to you.

  186. Depression is the worst, and when it’s got a hold of you, it certainly does seem like death would be a relief, believe me I know those feelings well. But please, please, please decide to keep living, even if you can only do it a day at a time, an hour at a time. Get some help, whatever it takes to get through – therapy, medication, just talking things through, anything that’ll work. Because you deserve to have a good life, to be happy and healthy and comfortable in your own skin. Just by virtue of being born, you deserve that. Please stay.

  188. Anon,
    Are you ok? Can you get in touch to let us know that you’re ok? Obviously not “ok ok” because of your post, but “ok physically”.
    Like everyone else has said, you’re not alone and depression is a liar.
    If you ever need to talk, rant, rave, cry, sob, bitch, write a monotone monologue then please email me. I’m here and I’m happy to listen, and I’m cheaper than a therapist!
    My email address is Becca @ mrsflams [dot] co [dot] uk
    Becca@mrsflams.co.uk
    My phone is always on and I always reply to email as soon as I get them.
    Please let us know you’re ok and getting help.
    Much love

  189. Anonymous…. None of us can know exactly what you’re dealing with because we’re not you, but I think we all have the same simplified answer: Suicide just isn’t the answer. Ok so maybe you hate your life and think you’re worthless and want to be away from it all….well then, sell off everything and go be a hermit. No, I’m serious. Off the grid. Buy some chickens, farm the land, provide for yourself. Serenity, isolation and peace. Leave it when you’re ready. Can’t afford to see a psychiatrist for drugs? There are (yes, there are) natural and affordable things to take to help ease depression. In this case, drugs are almost always the answer. 🙂 The right kind of drugs, that is, and in safe moderation. Also, cats and dogs. Rescue a couple. Save their life, and save your own.
    I promise you that there are people out there who would be devastated if you took your life.

  190. Anonymous, don’t give up. I was there too. I’ll probably be there again, but I hope I remember next time how my brain lies to me. It was because I this place and these people that I got the help I needed, and you can find help too. This is not the wrong place to reach out. This is exactly the right place. You are worth so much more than you believe right now. Please find help.

  191. @Anonymous, The world is an amazing place, it’s beautiful and living in it is a gift. I’m not trying to pull some God bullshit out here either. We are all fortunate that we get to experience the world or what it is, sure sometimes it’s dark and scary but then other times it’s amazing.

    We are all living, breathing, thinking human beings. We are all somebody. You say that maybe one day you will be somebody, but you already are. You are just as much of a somebody as anybody else. And tomorrow? You’ll be even more of a somebody. We live, and we grow. We experience new things, it’s what we do.

    Having the ability to think is beautiful, but sometimes we think about things that bring us down to a point where we feel like we can’t get back up any longer.

    You can get back up.

    You may be at the bottom of everything, and looking up, thinking about how hard things are and how much more difficult it’s going to be to get back on top. You are no doubt feeling the things that have fallen onto your back on your way down, and yes you will need to carry those on your way back up, but there is a way back up.

    At the bottom of everything there are only two options, and you will feel a lot better if you choose to climb.

  193. Commenter 94, please see a therapist. Please. Remember that it is hard to see every side of life when you’re only looking through your own eyes. Someone else may be able to show you a different perspective.

  194. Anon, I am adding to your list of resources. Email me any time and we can talk, text, skype, send smoke signals, whatever it takes. You are not alone. rdragonyorenet@yahoo.com.
    I have come to this brink many times and have fought my way back to safety. Let me help.
    Don’t let that lying bastard win.

  195. @ Anonymous # 94 – Oh please don’t. It seems bad now but it won’t always. I lost a favorite teacher to this just this week. Such a sad thing. He had so much more to share. He had years of teaching ahead of him and hundreds of students’ lives to impact. Now he’s gone and so many people have lost out on all that he could have given.

    Depression lies. Please remember that.

  196. Anonymous,
    I want you to live, today and for as long as you can. Just look at all the perfect strangers here that care about you. You are not alone, and you are worthy. Hang I there and keep fighting. Call someone, write I the IM hotline, go tho the ER. But please get help. We need you in this world!
    ~ Julie

  197. Anonymous,
    There really isn’t anything I could say that others have not. I battle depression myself and have struggled at times mightily, but I remind myself that depression does lie and I won’t let it win. None of us know you, but we do know you are indeed somebody, and you are cared for very much. I truly hope your little internet family here shows just how important you are. Please get help!
    Sending you all my positive vibes!

  198. Dear Anonymous #94: There are about 100 people here who don’t want you to end your life. Please get yourself some help. You’ll never know what you might become if you get help and try. I don’t know you, but I am rooting for you.

  199. Anony94–how wonderful is this that all these people (including me!) want to know you and help you get through these terrible lies your brain is telling you? We don’t know you, but we love you and we need you. Please reach out, please take care of yourself. Be well.

  200. Anon,

    There are people out there who understand what you’re going through. And there are people that care! Please – contact the Suicide Prevention Line, or talk to someone else. But definitely don’t give up! Depression lies. You *ARE* important. You *ARE* worthy of living a great life. It *DOES* matter if you’re gone!

    Hang in there!!

  201. Anonymous,

    Please don’t leave us. Many of us on here know what it feels like to think that everyone would be better off if we weren’t around, or that nothing we do matters, but depression is a lying shitbag that wants you to give up. Many of us have been where you are right now, and we’re telling you: don’t listen to the lies. Reach out to someone. Email me if you like at arkansasgrizzly@gmail.com. Hang around, my friend. It gets better, I promise.

  202. Anonymous @94

    They’re not kidding. Depression is a fucking liar.

    I’ve spent more than half my life battling depression and anxiety, and I won’t lie: it’s a battle. And it hurts. But if I’d given up, there are amazing people I would never have met and helped and been helped by.

    Don’t give up.

  203. Dear Anonymous,
    Thank you for reaching out here. Please don’t stop. Keep fighting until you can see through Depression’s ugly lies. Things can get better!
    Love, Jenny

  204. Dear Anon #94,
    You are not alone.
    You are part of Jenny’s community.
    It WILL get better.
    Hang on.
    Breathe.
    Get help.
    Much love to you!

  205. Dear Anonymous,
    Please don’t kill yourself. Your post made me cry, not because you are sad, but because I know how you feel. Would anyone care anyway? But the truth is, someone will always be affected by your existence. Somewhere in the future, something you may have said or did OR will say or do, will have a profound affect on someone and maybe not this generation or the next, but in the future what you say, said, do, or did WILL and DOES MATTER!! As Jenny has reminded us all regularly, DEPRESSION LIES and you are not seeing it clearly. Funny thing about lies, they can be convincing. It’s worse when it’s our own brains/emotions lying to us. Because accepting that you are somehow deceiving yourself is hard. Please seek out help. Please.
    ~Melodie

  206. Anon,

    This past Thursday was the 1-year anniversary of my attempted suicide. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision – it was planned and detailed out. By the luck and intelligence of my best friend I was stopped and hospitalized for over a month. I knew I had had depression throughout my life but that was when I was finally, actually diagnosed with life-long Dysthymia and that I had been in a major depressive state for the previous 6 months.

    For me, getting diagnosed was the first true weapon I had in fighting depression. I knew what it was. It wasn’t that *I* was broken or useless. It wasn’t even me. A simple twist of a chromosome or a neuroreceptor that didn’t do it’s job caused me to be this way. Once I had my diagnosis I learned everything there was to be known. I asked my doctors for copies of the DSM so I could study more. I joined discussion groups for people with depression. As I learned I felt better. That’s not to say I don’t still have depression. I do. I very much do. I just know that it is NOT ME. And when the encroaching black begins to close in around me, I have that little candle of knowledge as my sword and shield. Sometimes it’s enough, sometimes it’s all any of us have.

    Jenny tells everyone that depression lies. That is the truth. What else is the truth is that I’m still here a year later. I fought, cried, screamed, and laughed to get here. It’s not easy, but it’s not impossible.

    You can do it. You are worth saving. My god, look at all of the comments here! Nearly a hundred (and I’m sure many more to come) all saying the same thing – don’t do it. Don’t let depression win. If you want to talk, I’m more than willing to (stanton – dot- andrew – at – gmail) and if not, just know that there are people who want to help and are here if you *ever* need us.

    -Andrew

  208. @Anonymous: Please stay with us. We all care that you stay alive. And I can’t be the only one who is staying on this page and keeps refreshing it to see if there is a tiny message from you that says you are still here… Please don’t go.

  209. Dear anonymous: Please find someone to talk to, if you haven’t already done so. What everyone else has said is true. You are a very special person. You are loved by people who you do not even know. You are also in the prayers of many, many people. Blessings and peace to you.

  210. Anonymous,

    This has been said many times here, but I’m going to say it again: depression lies. It turns your own brain against you. I became severely depressed when I was taking Percoset for back pain and cut the dosage too quickly. Within an hour I went from “kinda blue” to full blown suicidal thoughts.

    I was able to take a Percoset to make those feelings go away, and then taper off the dose more slowly to prevent it from happening again. Your situation is probably more complicated than that. But the thoughts were a lie in my case and they are a lie in your case as well.

    Just keep breathing.
    -HH

  212. As everyone above me has said, Anon, you are someone. I think that’s why we all gather at Jenny’s blog, because we’ve all be in the dark before, and we all have learned to laugh through the pain. We’ve been there, scars and all, and we’ll be here whenever you need someone to talk to. In the meantime, there’s this place online. It’s called https://www.imalive.org/ It’s full of people waiting to help you. Online, no having to talk on the phone, which can be scary. Just a chat, with someone who understands and knows how to listen. Please, please, reach out one more time. Let someone talk to you and let them help you. We’re all still here today because at some point, we reached for that hand in the dark, and someone was there to say “it’s okay. I’m here.”

  213. Dear Anon 94–Please know that YOU MATTER. Depression is a liar and a cheat.
    Here is a suicide prevention group’s page that lists both telephone and online help:
    http://www.hopeline.com/gethelpnow.html
    Please know that so many people are pulling for you to beat the liar. People care. I care.

  215. Wow. This whole tribe of misfits is the most wonderful place ever. I wish I had thought to post here when I was feeling suicidal. I got really scared when the crying and anxiety stopped and I felt… nothing. There was darkness. A screaming silence. I finally asked my doctor for help when I realized I just didn’t care anymore, when my anchors to this life didnt seem to matter anymore. I went months, MONTHS feeling this way. Anonymous – you are not alone. You matter. YOU MATTER. I don’t even know you, but I know you matter. Not just to someone – somewhere, you matter to all of us. Don’t give up the fight. We love you and will help you fight that lying bastard!

  216. Wow, sometimes people just amaze me. The outpouring of love for anon 94 is why the Internet can be such an amazing thing. I’m bawling my eyes out reading all the comments. I hope anon 94 is too. Hang in there, life really sucks sometimes but it gets better, I promise.

  217. Anonymous: you’re not alone. You’re worthy. You matter. Please don’t give up. I have been where you are, and I have been family to someone who took their own life, and I can tell you without doubt: you will be missed if you go. Stay. Talk to us. It will get better. Promise.

  218. Anon,

    I, like so many others, want you alive. I’m agreeing with everyone saying depression lies. Even if it doesn’t feel that way now, it does. You are not alone, you are never alone. I’ve been where you’ve been, I’ve said what you’re saying. All these people, myself included, understand what you’re going through, and we can all tell you that brighter days are ahead.

    I’m adding myself to the list of people who are here for you. Please reach out, whether it’s to me or someone else. Let us know you’re still here, because you ARE worth it. You’re worth it to me, and to everyone else who has replied to you. We love you, we care.

    My email is danie22090@yahoo.com. Email me. I’ll give you my number, or we can just email. We can Skype, we can text, we can IM, whatever you’re comfortable doing.

    But please, talk to someone, because life is worth living.

  219. Anonymous,
    Please, please listen to Jenny and all the people who have posted here, they know what they are talking about! Life’s a bitch sometimes and depression is a lying bitch, but you know what, you can beat it at its own game if you just talk it through with someone, believe me, I know. If you think it will take more than that then see a doctor, there are pills and therapies to help people like us. If you need someone outside your situation to talk to my email is …. j.gard at sky dot com Take care of yourself and keep breathing! JG

  221. Dear Anon/94,

    I don’t have words of wisdom, and I’m sure someone else has already said it better. Even though I don’t know you, I know that you ARE important. You ARE special. You ARE someone. Life is amazing, even if it’s currently kicking the shit out of you. There are bad times, yes, but I promise you, there will be amazing times.

  222. Anon,
    You are important and you are loved. You are precious and valued. You are somebody special even if you don’t believe it right now. Jenny is right about depression being a lying bastard. Please know that you matter to every single person on here. We all love you enough to remind you that you are not alone. You are never alone. Keeping asking for help, and it will keep coming. You are in my thoughts and prayers right now. I pray that you find the strength to make it through this day. Take it one day at a time. Just make it through today, and tomorrow will deal with itself.

  223. There are 208 comments here and over a hundred of them are love for you ANONYMOUS. Please come back to us. It’s a garage, do not let the inanimate objects win. There are many people here to help you; everyone who has commented above me, suicide & crisis hotlines, PLEASE.

  224. Dear Anon,
    I beg you to reconsider ending your precious life. PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE. Anyone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Depression is a nasty bitch and you can’t let her win. Your friends and family will be devastated to lose you, even though you may not think so right now. I know that for a stone cold fact. My very best friend hung herself three years ago and I have never forgiven her, nor have I ever recovered from it. I miss her every single damn day. And I wish there was something more I could have done, but there wasn’t. Maybe now I can help you. Maybe we all can. Here is my email address as well… jhamrick107@hotmail.com. I’m up all sorts of crazy hours. And I’m here. Jenny

  225. Anonymous, i just want to tell you one thing: YOU MATTER. No matter what your brain, your life or your situation tells you otherwise, YOU MATTER. I may not know you personally but YOU MATTER TO ME. Please try to reach out for support the way you did when you commented on this blog. I wish you could feel my overwhelming feeling to hug you and tell you that YOU MATTER and YOUR LIFE (no matter how complicated it is) is worth living for every day. I’m sending out my love and concern and hugs. Lots of it.

  226. Those pics are insane
    Anonymous 94–
    We may not know you, but we care. Please get help- either from one of us, or from a counselor. I also have depression, mine seems to coincide with hormonal shifts. Anti-depressants help, but sometimes the depression pokes holes in my sunshine. It sucks!!!! I just feel fucking hopeless and try to keep to myself, although sometimes that reaction is worse than trying to remember what life is about. Errrr!!!! You will come out on the other side I promise.

  227. Anon, you are not alone. Depression lies. It’s telling you all sorts of awful things right now that are NOT TRUE. You are special, you are unique and the world would be a darker place without you. Thank you so much for reaching out and please continue to do so. We’re all in this crazy world together and hanging onto each other helps get us all through those dark moments.

  228. Comment 94. Stop. Please don’t harm yourself. Do not listen to the lies depression is telling you. I care. The people before me care. That should tell you how LOVED you are that complete strangers WANT YOU IN THIS WORLD. please call someone and get the help you need. You are too precious to not be here. Hug yourself for me and know that you are meant to be here.

  229. I want to give Anon/94 a big hug right now. You MATTER. You are SPECIAL. You will beat this!

  230. Anon 94:
    I have never met you, may never meet you but I know you and love you. We share a bond that will never be broken. Depression has claimed many, please don’t be the next. One minute at a time, just take it one minute at a time and you can make it. Call the hotlines, email anyone, but please, I beg of you, don’t let the depression win. It is lying to you and one day you will see that. We are all waiting to hear from you, you matter to us all. You only need to read above too see how special and loved you are.

  231. Anonymous/94, please know how much my heart hurts for your pain and how much I want you to call a friend and be with someone right now. Jenny is right–depression literally does lie; and it WILL get better. Please get it a chance do so. You are precious.

  232. Anonymous 94 please don’t believe the lie, instead believe all the wonderful people here who are telling you that you matter. YOU MATTER. Please hold on and know that we may be strangers but we care. You matter to us.

  233. Wow, this is amazing. Beautiful! Comment 94, we know you’re in a dark place right now. So look at all the light that’s being created for you by everyone here! You are a human being. You love and laugh and cry and get angry and feel deeply, just like the rest of and that’s why we care about you! And that’s why we want you to hang on. Just keep telling yourself, “the depression lies.” I do it every time it hits me and it helps me get through. In the mean time, yes, please contact one of the many suicide or crisis lines people have provided. You are worthy!

  234. To Anon 94 and everyone else who may happen upon this post and is feeling the same paralyzing feeling of depression. Take note, there are people who love you. There is someone who will miss you. They probably already miss you. When we struggle with depression, we stop talking to those who love us. We isolate ourselves, we stop interacting and stop feeling the love that they feel for us. It is time to reach out to someone. Even if you haven’t spoken to them in a long time – reach out. Not everyone understands depression. Not everyone understands that when we stop communicating it is more often about our internal struggle to just ‘get out of bed’ on a daily basis. But when you express and say “I have missed you, I’ve been struggling with depression and need you to be my friend right now” they will respond.
    There are steps you can take right now and at any time to move forward. First – reach out to the resources that have been provided to you by the wonderful caring community above. You are not alone and these resources can help you get through this, fight this and come out victorious on the other side.
    Here are some things that you can also implement, along with a treatment plan, to help you find the other side of this.
    TOUCH – it is proven that touch has healing properties. Ever hear of the Kangaroo method? This is where nurses and volunteers provide skin-to-skin contact with preemie babies and it helps them get stronger and develop faster. Have a friend that will hold you, or hold your hand? A family member that will hold your hand? Find someone who will provide the healing power of touch for you. A back rub, a massage, a salon (hair, nails, toes, etc.) where you are getting personal attention accompanied with touch can be very helpful.
    LIGHT – I often find myself searching for the darkest room in the house. It is easier to hide from my emotions and curl into a ball and cry when it’s dark. But I have to remind myself to seek out light. Sunshine can lift your spirit. Few things can grow in the shade (That’s why Dolly Parton wears a size 5 shoe LOL) but almost everything flourishes in the sun. Make it a point to get outside in the sun at least once a day, for 15 minutes, every day.
    MOVEMENT – physical activity boosts the feel good hormones in your body and brain. It doesn’t have to be hard-core aerobics or a spin class. Take a walk around the block. If you can do this with a friend or neighbor, it will help too. Move your furniture around to ‘try something different.’ The physical activity will get your blood flowing and the change can prove to be helpful to your mood.
    LAUGH – I know this part is hard. I have said the words “I’m just not in the mood for funny, stop trying to make me laugh.” It feels disingenuous. Sometimes, when I laugh, I feel like I’m lying. However, did you know that laughter can give you the same effect as sleep? You feel refreshed, your thoughts and emotions are more clear and you can have a sense of calm! Find a favorite funny movie and watch it with a friend. Go see a comedy in a full theater. Laughter is contagious, probably more so than yawns (cue everyone reading to yawn)… If you are in a full theater of raucous laughter, it will catch on.
    SMILE – Again, this can feel dishonest. But if you consciously smile it can help. If you are in public and you smile at others, that smile with be returned. The sense of belonging, community and not being alone can be reinforced with continued returned smiles.
    BREATHE – Lay on your back. Put one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Count to 7 as you breathe in and out. 7 counts in and 7 counts out. As you breathe, imagine a bright white light filling your body from your toes up. Repeat: “As I breathe in, I am filled with peach. As I breathe out, I fill my surroundings with love.” Do this every day, as often as you need to do so. Fill your surroundings with love and fill your mind and body with peace.
    COMMUNITY – Find a group or a social circle where you can develop friendships. It can be a support group or a group where you have common interests. Many local news sources give a listing of ‘what’s happening’ in your community and you can seek out groups where you may find common interests with others.
    LOVE – Find someone or something you love. A family member, a pet, a friend, or volunteer and share love with someone or something who needs your help. There are shelters, pet shelters, churches hosting homeless families, community centers, youth sports programs, and all manner of opportunities where you can give love. The love you give will boost you up as well.
    LOVE YOURSELF – I have a favorite affirmation – “I am a divine creature, a piece of God, therefore I cannot be undeserving.” Whether you believe in God or not (you can replace the word with what you feel comfortable saying) this is a powerful statement. You DESERVE to be alive. You DESERVE to be happy. You DESERVE to beat this depression. You DESERVE to be loved. You DESERVE peace and comfort and laughter. You DESERVE to be better. Believe it and it can make a huge difference for you.
    None of this is a replacement for a long-term treatment plan. But it can all help round out a picture and fill in the gaps.
    Even with all this knowledge, I still have days where although I’m “out of bed,” I may as well be in bed. I can be on the couch, at a party, at work and still just not mentally in the game that day. But you can’t let that stop you from improving. I compare it to dieting, quitting smoking or ending any bad habit – just because you have that cupcake/cigarette doesn’t mean you are a failure. It just means you are human.
    Don’t let your depression lie to you and tell you that one day when you are faced with overwhelming emotions and a sense of despair means you are failing. It just means you are human. Don’t give up. Don’t believe the lies.
    Do believe in yourself. You reached out. Congratulations – that means that there is a small part of you that wants to get better.
    Try watching this video – I found it helpful in a recent difficult time: http://www.ted.com/talks/jane_mcgonigal_the_game_that_can_give_you_10_extra_years_of_life.html

    Cheers, love, light and positive energy,
    Dina

  235. Anon #94, I see there’s already a bunch of comments of people reaching out to you, and I feel like I’m not going to say anything new by adding a comment, and I almost decided to navigate away without commenting, but I figure the more people that reach out, the better. I hope that reading all these comments makes you feel a little better.

    I’ve been there, too, #94, and I agree with all the people suggesting http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    I’ve used it in the past. I wasn’t feeling suicidal at the time, but I was feeling very self-destructive and figured it would be fine to contact them for that. I hate talking on the phone, and I especially hate talking while crying because it makes me feel weak and wussy hearing how pathetic my voice sounds. But they have an online chat program, so I just IMed someone and it made me feel so much better to just rant and try to work through my depression with someone else at a time where I felt like I had no one.

    Hang in there, Anon. You are a great person and people love you.

  236. Anon 94.
    YOU MATTER. Sometimes the dark seems endless and there is no color in the world. But it’s a lie. There is light and there is color — depression is just hiding it from you. YOU MATTER. By reaching out to Jenny, you brought more than 100 of us who suffer from depression online to join together and send you one thought. YOU MATTER. Please, stay around, get some help and find out what your life’s journey still has to offer.

  237. Dear Anonymous,

    Just over 6 years ago I sat by my brother’s hospital bed while he recovered from self-inflicted wounds. The first thing I said when i saw him was, “oh, buddy, did you think you were alone? Did you think we wouldn’t come? That we didn’t care?”

    There are always people who care. There are always people who will come. Reaching out like this is so much better than what my brother did. Finding out that you are not alone through hundreds of comments is so much better than finding out any other way.

    Go, make a call to the number someone provided. You are important to this world. You are important enough to deserve that call and all of these people who have reached out.

    Xo

  238. Anony94, this seems like the perfect place to reach out, to me. 🙂

    Depression lies. It’s Evil McLiepants. It’s the giant evil soul-crushing elephant that makes your chest hurt and you can’t breathe and everything is dark because of the stupid elephant and eventually it squeezes everything out. The joy, the hope, the love, the feeling, the everything. This too will pass. The elephant WILL go away. There is hope. So so so so many people have been there and come out again. It’s so hard to see it. Because depression is an evil evil evil liar. Go find help, see the 150+ responses above for ideas.

  239. Anonymous… look how many people care. Add me to that list. Reach out. Do this for us and for yourself. Much love and hope to you. Keep trying one more day.

  240. Anon, please know that you CAN make it through this. So many people who have commented have been there. I’ve been there. There are days when I’m still there. Know that it gets better. Probably not today. Probably not tomorrow. But one day, you will wake up and not think about the negativity and the lies that the depression has been telling you. Then one day you will either remember something or find something that will make you smile for a prolonged period of time. Then, when you least expect it, it will hit you that you ARE allowed to be happy. Not only that you can be happy, but that are will be happy. Are happy. And that you DESERVE to be happy.

    I don’t know you, but I love you. We all love you. Remember that, and remember that things WILL get better.

  241. Anonymous
    Add me to the throngs of encouraging people who want you to know you’re not alone. I liked Dina’s suggestions (234) – so much good advice. You aren’t alone in the way you feel and you aren’t alone in this world.
    Hugs to you and please reach out for help.

  242. Anonymous, please don’t do it. I promise there is someone who will be devastated if you do. Call the suicide hotline. Call it now! Don’t think about it. CALL NOW!

  243. Hey, Anonymous — I hope that you read these comments and realize that *you are not alone.* We are all sincerely hoping for you and wishing for you and cheering you on in making it through the fog of depression. Please, please hang in there, and remember that there is no shame in asking for help. Because helping each other is really what we’re all here for.

    K.

  244. Comment number 94 – Anonymous – We are all here for you. We have all been through so much. I personally understand more then I should?? Does that make sense?

    I have been walking that tightrope off and on for the past year. I get so close to falling off one side or another – but I always find my balance again.

    It’s not that comforting I know – But keep holding on! Keep reaching out. Keep seeking someone to listen. Someone to hold your hand – even if it is just over the web.

    There are those of us out there who are willing to open our hearts to you and are willing to listen –

    We are here.

    YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

  245. Anonymous #94-
    You are a very brave soul to reach out into the darkness this way. Hang on!!! This will pass! It may pass slowly and painfully like a kidney stone but it will pass. Nothing you have, or have done is worth taking your life. Please call 911 and get some immediate help. You are worth helping. I have been there and I am so glad I did. Thinking and praying for you dear one.

  246. Dear Anonymous, #94 — You are NOT ALONE. I have felt like this, even made plans, and now I am still here. Depression is a motherfucker and a liar. Get help, if you can get off the couch. The best advice is #234; she knows what’s going on. I don’t have an extra word, just an extra hand. Please KEEP HOLDING ON.

  247. Anon,

    I hope you read these messages and feel the outpouring of caring and concern for you. There are so many who are hoping for nothing but the best for you and that you get the help you deserve. I have known two families who lost loved ones. They were devastated and it will always affect them and their friends. The holes that have been left behind is unimaginable.

    You did the right thing in reaching out for help. Don’t ever feel sorry for reaching out, that is depression lying to you. If you are still feeling suicidal, call the hotline, go online, go to the emergency or call an ambulance if you have to. You are deserving of all the help they can give you. If it helps when making the call or talking online, imagine all of us with you, hugging you, holding your hand and supporting you as you make the decision you are worth it.

    Sending you gentle hugs.

  248. #94

    I’ve been there… numerous times. You have friends, regardless of whether or not you know it. We are all here for you, rooting for you, praying for you, sending you thoughts of love and peace and strength, sending you sparkling monkey dust. If you have a facebook, join us here… https://www.facebook.com/groups/Lawsbians/

    We take care of each other there. We don’t judge, we accept and love and try to help where we can. If that’s too much, you can always message me on FB (https://www.facebook.com/keaven.t.neely) or Twitter (https://twitter.com/ThisMamaIsCrazy)

    You might not be able to recognize that those thoughts in your head are lies, but if you let us, we can tell you that they are. We can hopefully help you to recognize the truth. You’re not alone. You’re worth something. You’re worthy. You’re loved.

  249. Anon…

    As all the others have said, please call someone.

    I was running thru my twitter feed and read your comments here and about 20 tweets later, came upon this: http://dailyhuff.tumblr.com/

    Please don’t kill yourself. There are many people who love you and your being gone would ripple through all of them, and us, like a black hole in a universe.

  250. Anon…

    Six weeks ago I was stuck in my bedroom, sleeping away the days. If I ventured out of it, I sat on the sofa staring at the television. No energy. No desire for any. Just blankness and darkness and no hope of ever getting better. And then I called someone and told them how bad it was. And they called people, because I told them that it was okay to do so. And within two days someone I didn’t even know showed up at my door with a freshly cooked meal. Another person dragged me out for walks in the summer sunshine. Another drove me to the doctor because I couldn’t do it on my own.

    I got intensive medical treatment and couseling, and today, six weeks later, I am slowly (but surely) getting better. I am hopeful again. I am (gasp) showering and cooking and re-entering life.

    If I can do it (and it isn’t the first time), YOU can do it. I promise. If I had killed myself the first time I was sure it was the only answer, I would have missed SO MUCH. Marriage, motherhood, career, friends, joy after joy.

    Jenny Lawson taught me one of the most important truths of my life: Depression is a lying bastard. Things will get better. I PROMISE.

    Jamie

  251. Anon…

    Six weeks ago I was stuck in my bedroom, sleeping away the days. If I ventured out of it, I sat on the sofa staring at the television. No energy. No desire for any. Just blankness and darkness and no hope of ever getting better. And then I called someone and told them how bad it was. And they called people, because I told them that it was okay to do so. And within two days someone I didn’t even know showed up at my door with a freshly cooked meal. Another person dragged me out for walks in the summer sunshine. Another drove me to the doctor because I couldn’t do it on my own.

    I got intensive medical treatment and couseling, and today, six weeks later, I am slowly (but surely) getting better. I am hopeful again. I am (gasp) showering and cooking and re-entering life.

    If I can do it (and it isn’t the first time), YOU can do it. I promise. If I had killed myself the first time I was sure it was the only answer, I would have missed SO MUCH. Marriage, motherhood, career, friends, joy after joy.

    Jenny Lawson taught me one of the most important truths of my life: Depression is a lying bastard. Things will get better. I PROMISE.

    Jamie

  252. #94–please don’t kill yourself. I have been in that blackness before, where I can’t see the light at all. And even though I know you don’t feel it…you are amazing. You have something unique to offer the world, a part to play in it, that no one else can offer. Please stay safe, and find -anyone- to talk with. Call a hotline, call someone you haven’t talked with in a while, go to the animal shelter and talk to the dogs and cats–anyone is an appropriate person to talk with right now. And keep talking with us, too! We’re here to support one another. *hugs*

  253. Oh, Anonymous, I have been where you are, and I wish I could give you a hug and promise you things would get better. They do. Depression fog is dangerous, DO NOT act under its influence. You are loved, you are needed, and you are somebody, even if you can’t see it. Please reach out and get help! Some of the previous comments included numbers and websites for you to call, PLEASE DO IT! The world would be a sadder place without you.

  254. Hi Anonymous (#94),

    If you’re feeling like you have no one to talk to (and, I know that feeling too well), I can be someone. I’m currently in an ongoing battle with depression, myself, but I’m always open to being there for others, regardless of my own situation. Sometimes, it helps when you talk to someone who you can relate to on some level. Anyway, my email is DRosenzweig@gmail.com. In any case, please update us to let us know you’re doing ok, and don’t hesitate to go to the hospital or make that call if you feel you’re that close to suicide. We’re all here for you, and we care and value you; that’s what this community is about.

  255. Anonymous,

    What’s your name? My name is Jenny- but not Lawson. There are a lot- A LOT- of people pulling for you right now. So many of us have been where you are right now. We’re holding out our hands to you. Please take them. Despite how it may feel, you are not alone……

  256. #94 – look at this. Look at what is happening here. You are not alone. Not even a little bit. Please please get help. Listen to the stories here. Please get help. xo

  257. Hey Anonymous. Just wanted to chime in and say that you’re definitely worth the effort it takes to see yourself through this patch. I’ve battled depression my entire life and have fought suicide for just as long. Depression is a liar, and it doesn’t want you to feel better; it will do anything to make you feel worse until you do something you can’t take back. Don’t let it tell you who you are and what you’re worth. I’m not trying to tell you what to do, but do me a huge favor and wait to make this decision. You will not always feel the way you do right now. There is the possibility of so many different days and feelings ahead of you, but only if you work incredibly hard to beat this depression. Please consider seeing a therapist or counselor–it really helped me and there’s at least an even chance that it could help you too. You might have to try a few before you find a real ally who can help you think through this stuff and reason out strategies to beat it with. You’re worth the work it will take to take your life back, and you’re the only one who can do that work.

  258. Anon,
    My heart is breaking after reading your posts. You have friends, you just have not met us yet. Look at all the people who took time to tell you that you are special, and loved.

    Our lives will be less without you. Please write back and let us know how you are doing. Call me 410-721-4396, hell call me collect if you need to, email me, text me, find me on facebook. We are here for you.

    Karen

  260. Anon, please stay with us. Your mind is lying to you. We’ve all been there. There are MANY people available to talk to you. We’re willing to listen. Please get help. Don’t give up. Hugs to you and much love.

  261. Hey, Anonymous #94 & 101, it’s been about 12 hours according to the time stamps I’m seeing. Can I have a “Fuck the Fucking Garage?” Stuff is just stuff; and your housemate can stuff it. The important thing is that you are still with us. Are you still with us? Forget dying complicated: LIVE complicated. LIVE. Because we want you here with us – this goofy, glorious collective of broken people – we count you among us. We don’t know you, but you are among us and we want you here. I don’t know how I even dare speak of an “Us” but I do, and I believe other people will say “Hell yeah, there’s an ‘Us’; you’re lookin’ at it and you’re a part of it.” Hey. Hey! I’m holding your hand. Don’t you dare let go. Tell us you are here.

  262. #94 You can e-mail me. irishdncr83@gmail.com PLEASE DO IT! I hope you’re doing okay. I hope you got help. We love you. <3

    Carole, There is TOTALLY an us! This blog needs a message board or something.

    Love you, Jenny!! Thanks!

  263. Hey, #94, please don’t. I know where your head is at, exactly. I know how horrible and how dark and how scary this place is.
    There is an Us. We’re here with duvets of understanding. Please, please, please grab hold of our hands and let us know you’re safe.

  264. Dear Anonymous 94,

    I can only reiterate what everyone else has said: your life is worth living. Even when it’s shitty, it’s worth it. As for the garage? It’s okay. Really. IT’S. OKAY.

    It’s also overwhelming, the amount of SHIT in there, isn’t it? I know. I’ve been there. I moved from a large house to a very small one-room apartment, and nearly everything I owned came with me, and it was all put anywhere there was a spot for it, quite literally. I was overwhelmed, and I was depressed, and I didn’t want to clean or even think about going through any of it, because there was just. so. much. But the best thing is that you can take it one day at a time. One BOX at a time. And if your roommate has issues with that? Well, they will get over it. That garage and everything in it is NOT worth your life, I promise. I know it’s hard. Ask for help, first to get through the depression, and then to go through your stuff. The people who REALLY love you and care for you will not judge you for needing the help, and will be glad that you asked them.

    Because to them, you are someone who is important. And to all of us who read Jenny’s blog and have formed a community with her, YOU ARE SOMEONE IMPORTANT. You likely have dozens of email addresses from people who have offered to talk to you, to chat, to email back and forth. I offer mine up, as well: jmarcum15 AT gmail DOT com.

    Lots of love, and lots of hugs, and lots of kittens and puppies to cuddle,

    Jessica.

  265. Stay with us, 94. We love you. We want you here. Everyone’s right– depression is a giant LIAR. But you’re here for a reason– we need you to stick around, because I’m guessing the reason you’re here is an important one. Please, get help. Even if it seems impossible, give your life the benefit of the doubt and trust that things will get better. Believe me. Please.

  266. 94, A lot of people have said a lot of good things. I have no new advice. Please call someone. Call me. I’ll help you with garage then we can go for milkshakes or something equally awesome. You are not alone.

  267. Depression actually makes you rationalize killing yourself. It makes you believe you are making a wise, respectable, honorable choice. It tricks you into thinking it is your choice. It makes you chase away your friends, then tells you that people will be better off, that they don’t give a crap about you anyway. Depression actually gets you to consider which method would be fastest, most painless, least messy for the clean-up crew. Depression makes you stop considering what’s best for your child, your parents, your spouse and tells you that they’ll get over it, that she’s young enough now that it won’t be that hard on her in the long run, that she’ll forget you in time. Depression is a lying sack of shit. Please get help. Please.

  269. Dear anon #94,

    I, like so many others on this board, want you to stick with us. Jenny is right. Depression is a lying bastard. Remember, it’s always darkest before the dawn. Your life has meaning. We all care about you and want you to get help.

    I am sending you as much love and supportive thoughts as I can.

    Please check back in with us.

  270. Dear Anonymous-
    You mentioned Jenny’s book reading was the highlight of your year (it was mine, too!) and it seems to me you have respect and admiration for Jenny. If you’re like me, you look forward to each post. If you’re like me, sometimes they make you feel sentimental, even sad, but most of the time they make you laugh, maybe even snort a bit, sometimes in inappropriate settings. And then you feel like a dork but that just makes you laugh more. And maybe you’re not like me but even if you’re not, I know you know what Jenny has been through with depression. She’s told us. Now we feel like we’re all in this together. We all know that we have each other, the people who read this blog, to pull each other through.
    Please help us pull you through, too. A lot of people have given great advice and have offered lines for help. Please use that help and use this post and lean on us for a bit. Because we really want you around to share in the rest of Jenny’s amazing hilarity. We want to you laugh with us and maybe cry with us and be with us as we take this roller coaster weirdness through the ups and the downs…because it’s a lot better when we do this together.
    Thank you.

  271. I am fragile. I am still alive right now. I can’t afford a therapist or medication. Thank you all for your words. I feel like depression is the only thing that is true, the only thing that is honest. It is the hope that is the lie. I don’t see the light.

    I’ve left my e-mail this time. I’ll try to reach out to those of you who have offered. I . . . yeah.

    I hope you can see how many people want you here, myself included. I’m sending you an email right now. Also, I didn’t have the insurance to see a shrink earlier this year and it cost $300 to see her and get a month of meds. I have $300 with your name on it if you promise to see someone. Also, if you share your city you might have a psychiatrist offer to see you for free. There are lots of people who want to help. Thank you so much reaching out. ~ Jenny

  272. Anonymous, I hope you are still with us. Because we truly are here for you. Concerned for you. And each off us is sincere in our offer to help.

  273. Hey Anonymous, I am kindly asking you to heed the words I’m about to tell you….
    One year ago form April 16th I was standing in my garage & driveway with a gun to my head, finger on the trigger, loaded & cocked, crying uncontrolably. My husband and I had been fighting a remake of a lot of bullshit from 7 years earlier about his kids.
    He had been pushing me to the edge & finally I was teetering.
    I don’t talk about this to anyone but 3 of my friends….now you & thousands of Jenny Larson’s readers are privvy.
    A long winding life of depression got me there & it wasn’t the first time. I had lost my mom 3 years earlier to cancer & was her sole caretaker til I found her dead one morning. I had been self harming, drinking in excess & abusing certain drugs.
    I remember the date because it was the day before my daughter’s 30th birtday. That’s how sick I was. That’s how bad the stronghold of depression can be. None of that was on my mind, my only thought was I have to make this pain stop.
    What happened next was horrific & I never wanna hafta go thru that again. I just had to make a change. I started new meds, now I am a little better.
    If I had pulled that trigger, I would have hurt many people beyond repair. I would have hurt them the way I had been hurt coming up.
    The fact that you were debating your garage situation while debating ending your pain screams you need some help & if you have no one to trust, then PLEASE trust anyone at at hotline. You are worth it. You are God’s child. You ARE someone.
    I still struggle with self harm every day but I am here for my kids & what little family I have left & that’s what counts. One day at a time my friend, one day at a time. I hope you are ok & haven’t harmed yourself, I just needed to let you know you ARE NOT alone in your mindset & feelings. Just please don’t act on them. Please get some help, any help.

  274. Anonymous94,

    There are community programs that will help you and not cost a dime. Please take a moment to Google, check the Yellow Pages, something. I found someone to talk to when I was really hurting and confused, and I know you can too.

    One moment at a time grows into one minute, one hour, one day. You can get through this.

    Tasha

  275. Jenny, you may have saved a life tonight. You are a good egg.

    Anon94: I hope you take advantage of Jenny’s generous offer and see someone or at least email the people that are willing to lend a shoulder, hand or a possible (humanely!) stuffed animal to cuddle with (or just be mildly freaked out about). Anything I can do, let me know. Otherwise remember that there’s always a legion of misfits out here for you to virtually lean on!

  276. Anonymous 94: Please stay alive. A lot of pharmeceutical companies have programs to help low-income people get their medication. Give it a shot. Go to your local health department and ask if they have anyone who can help you. And take Jenny up on her super generous offer. Everyone’s right — depression is the lie. I know it’s hard to see, but you’re worth staying alive.

  277. Anonymous 94,

    I know you’ve been swamped with information and suggestions. Just do what you can to survive another day and then another.

    My small piece of advice is to find one thing that can make you laugh/happy/smile. Both my husband and I have suffered from depression. For him it was a silly episode of MXC (Mascots vs Monsters). You should check it out, and try not too laugh. For me it is Disney’s Cinderella. Now even if you can find a smile/laugh that doesn’t mean you’re fixed, but it sure does help alleviate the pain for a little while.

    But please take Jenny up on her offer, she is the best and can really help.
    If you want a kindred spirit to hang onto email me at castrazd at charter dot net.
    –Carol

  278. #94:

    Life is worth every breath, even though its never quite what you want. There IS hope. There IS light. There IS love. There IS tomorrow. I’m sitting here, my heart aching for you, so please… call a hotline, call a friend, call ME. Call whoever you need to so you can get to tomorrow. And then tomorrow, it’s a brand new world for you.

    If you want it, email me, and I will give you my number. I have all the time in the world for someone who just needs someone to listen, and cry with them, or let them yell, or whatever it is you need tonight.

    I don’t know you, but I’m here.

    And for all of those not as brave as #94… the offer is extended to you as well, email for my cell phone number, I WILL answer, I WILL listen.

  279. I have been where you are and there is help and there is a light, though I know all you see right now is darkness. I remember it like yesterday being in that place of helpless angsts. Please know that you are not alone and things can and will get better.

    Sending you wishes for inner peace and mental clarity, you can do this!

    J

  280. Anonymous 94, good for you!! I am so glad you are still with us. I have been where you are, and while I know it may happen again, I know I can come out of it, and SO CAN YOU. Email me – seasweetie@gmail.com. We can talk. I can help. xo

  281. Anonymous 94, I’m always ready to listen. I’m bi-polar, depression, mood disorder, and anxiety. And I LOVE you! If you’re close to me, *I* will come help you clean out the garage. I also have cats for feline therapy and the cutest little boy you’ll ever meet. I lost my sister last month to I don’t know what currently. I’m staying strong. I’ll help you stay strong. Much love! <3

  282. Anonymous,

    Please, please, take Jenny up on her $300 (Jenny, once again, you are my hero) and see someone. You will be ok. It will get better. I promise. And I do not make promises lightly or frivolously. You are wanted and needed on this planet – take the hands of hope and strength that are extended to you here. You are not alone. I have been there, and I have made it though – you can too.

  283. Of course depression seems like the only thing that’s “real” — that’s how it works and that’s how it gets its power. It convinces you that its bullshit is real and you should let it take over and pull you down and let it destroy everything. Jenny is offering you the help you need, all you have to do is say yes and everyone here wants you to do so.

    If you really wanted to die, I think you wouldn’t have posted the way you did. It was an attempt to be lighthearted about it, but I think you know it was your own way of reaching out for help. Here it is — take it and run with it.

  284. #94 — I know that dark place, the one that’s got hold of you right now. And you can’t give in, 94, because, as so many other people have said before me–that place lies. For right now, breathe. Please, just focus on breathing. On getting out of bed. Make a list of things that you have to do–the simplest things, the basic functions. Remind yourself to do the things that everybody takes for granted: wake up. Eat. Walk around. Talk to someone, if you can. Go out into the sunshine. Keep doing these things, 94, even though right now they may seem impossible. This thing, even though it seems as if it will go on forever, will pass. We are all here with you, and many of us have previously taken up residence in that dark place before, and clawed our way out. You may be anonymous, but you are in our hearts and in our thoughts. Hold on.

  285. Anon 94,
    Thank you for letting us know that you’re hanging in there. We’re still here and will continue to be.

    One day at a time. Everyday is another victory for YOU. You have taken one of the hardest steps in your battle – you reached out. WHATEVER made you choose to do that, LISTEN TO THAT. Let THAT be your truth. The thing that made you type comment 94, is your honesty. Do not be sorry or regret posting, because that is the most honest thing in your head, right now. Now you have to take that next step: getting professional help. YOU are worth every excruciating moment of this fight.

    peace and love,
    k

  286. Hey Jenny,

    I’ve been following the story of #94 on twitter, and I wanted to share this with everyone. I worked as a call responder for a warm line and crisis intervention line. We are all trained in suicide intervention, and are always there to help. Everyone who works there is kind, compassionate, and generally just wonderful people. It’s free, completely confidential, and is 24/7.

    1 (575) 646-2255
    Toll-free: 1 (866) 314-6841

    Depression lies. Stay strong

  287. Y’all, I am reading all the comments you have left for Anon94 and I am in tears. You all have such beautiful souls. You shine so brightly, and we all know that if there is no dark, there can be no light. The dark we have all experienced just lets us shine that much brighter for others.

    For all your words, for reminding ME that depression does lie, thank you.

  288. Anonymous…I’ve been watching this unfold all day.

    I’m likely checking myself into the psychiatric ward in the next few days. I want you to know that if you need money for meds or therapy, I’ll get it to Jenny. All I know is, we can’t live like this anymore. But we do deserve to live. I’ve got people on my side and now I’m on yours too.

    If you want to talk to someone who’s smack down there with ya right now, I’m always around too. icanhasissues@gmail.com

    Jenny, thank you for having a space for people like us.

  290. 94,

    Even if you just see your GP or find a clinic nearby… talk to them about anti-depressants. Something to help. I know it can be a big and scary step. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. And I’ve been on anti-depressants many times before. First three I tried didn’t work. It was frustrating and I gave up. Finally got put on Fluoxetine and it worked. I hated how I felt on it, and I just recently went back on it out of desperation because my depression has been so bad. I was so damn scared to take that pill the first time. I’m still scared sometimes. I’m only about two and a half weeks into it, and it does take time, which is massively frustrating… especially when I’m having a bad night like I am right now. But I’m still hopeful it’ll work. It’s been four years since I was on it, things might change. And if I do end up hating how I feel, I feel like, right now, I’d have the courage to get waned off of this and to try something new. Something that doesn’t make me feel fake and empty. So, even if you can’t afford therapy (I can’t, either)… please, try something.

  291. 94 if you can find a government subsidized clinic in your area you can get free service and free meds. My husband is on 5 meds for his bipolar and we pay $10 a month for them.

  292. Anonymous 94… I am so, so VERY happy to see you are still around! I was in the same place you were 5 years ago. I had my last letters written out, I had my “Will” drawn up and was saying my good-byes. I knew I needed help but I had no money, no job, no hope. I couldn’t take the pain anymore, the darkness…the emptiness. I had been fighting for over 20 years and I just couldn’t keep it up. At least that’s what the depression was telling me.

    Then a friend (whom I met online!) threw me a lifeline. In a 24hour period she drove over 14 hours in a rented van and moved me from Buffalo NY to her hometown in Illinois. The day I got here I sobbed until I was sick. My family had done nothing to reach out and help me. In fact my “loving” parents came to say good-bye to me! I know they were actually relieved because now I was not their “problem”.

    The first week I was here I went to the local Human Resources department. I am VERY lucky as I was put right into therapy and on meds.

    Five years later and I am doing sooooooo much better! I have a wonderful therapist who “gets” me. I am now dealing with my depression, anxiety and PTSD all brought on by a shitty childhood and my sexual assault when I was a teen. I have friends, a cat (very important ; ) ) and have gone back to college at almost 40.

    I am telling you all of this because five years ago I would not have believed I could be where I am today. I COULD NOT believe that I could be better, happy even! I have gotten all this help in a small, rinky-dink little town in a state that is known for being corrupt. I type all this out hoping that you can reach out and find a place where you live that can help you too. I have helped another friend find help too and if you want, I would be more than willing to try and help you find help where you live as well.

    I know it seems like no one cares. But WE DO! I know it seems like there is no help out there when you have no money…BUT THERE IS! And I bet I’m not the only one on here that would be more than willing to help you get help where you are…so please, keep fighting. IT WILL GET BETTER. DEPRESSION LIES! YOU ARE STRONGER THAN IT IS!!!!

    *hugs*

  293. Anonymous 94, I was so glad to see that you replied. There are ways to get help, and there are a lot of organizations out there that have therapy, and any fees are income and need based. You CAN get help. It’s not an overnight thing, but it WILL happen. The light is there, I promise you, sweetie. It’s just working to get through. You have a lot of support here. And these words from Firefly are so apt right now. “If you can’t run, you crawl. And if you can’t crawl, you find someone to carry you.” Let us carry you, okay? Whereever you’re at, there is help for you, and there will be someone who has been reading this who is nearby and is willing to share your burden. You are strong, you are amazing, and you can do this. Chin up, babydoll.

  294. Anonymouse, Much love, babe! Good luck with your medication. I was lucky that the first one I tried worked pretty well, it was just getting the dosage right. <3 you can e-mail me too.

  295. I will add to Jenny’s donation of help. Jenny, tell me how to do this. Can I send it through you. My email is above or my twitter is staceylynn1972. Anonymous, I hope you see how valued you are. Much hugs and prayers!

  296. Anon 94,

    I know that you are getting all kinds of info and offers about talking to people. I want you to know that should you need to talk, I am more than willing. My email address is included. I hope that you stay with us. I know depression, and it most definitely lies. It may not seem like it, but it does. You are strong and will get through this. There are so many voices here willing to help. Take Jenny’s offer and others offers of help.

    I am thinking of you, and my email door is always open.

  297. In my haste, I forgot to leave my email address!!

    If ANYONE EVER needs to talk to someone who has toed this line before:

    Email- TattooedPixie06 at aol dot com
    Twitter- TattooedPixie
    Facebook- Pixie Fair in San Diego, CA

    Reach out to me, I’ll do whatever I can to help you off that ledge, because it’s tough up there. I know, I jumped.

  298. Dear Anon94
    I’m glad you Reached out for help somewhere. I survived suicide and I’ll tell you first hand it’s the biggest mistake you could make. Like Jenny said, depression LIES to you. It tricks you in to thinking you’re alone when really nothing could be farther from the truth. There are lots of free support groups, hotlines and websites you can go to for help! I really wish I had known these things before I tried to take my own life, I really do.
    Once you get help, talk and realize that you aren’t alone in this fight you’ll see that after the storm is always a blue sky. Sometimes it’s hard, sometimes it’s scary but it is NEVER hopeless. Jenny has made a fantastic offer and it has the potential to change your life. Please accept it, I really hope you do.
    Love and Strength
    Indrid <3
    And Jenny, you're a truly wonderful person to offer help like you do. If there were more Jennys in the world we would be so much better off!

  299. Oh, and I know how to navigate the system of medication aid for those who cannot afford it. Once you get a dr & a prescription, most pharam co’s offer free meds for those who cannot afford them. Email me for help on that too. It is a rough system to navigate when you are down & have lost your fight, but we will fight with you! I am proud of you for reaching out. Jenny & her band of misfits love you!

  300. Anonymous94: If it gets really bad before you can get the help you need outpatient, GO TO YOUR LOCAL ER! The doctors and social workers there can help connect you w/the help, medications, and resources you need.

    Don’t listen to the depression! it lies!

  301. A tattoo or piece of jewlery of #94 will always remind you that you are valuable and loved, if having a visual reminder would help.

  302. Anonymous 94: I know exactly how you feel. I know that conversation that happens in your head when people tell you that you’re loved and valuable. I know the evil lies that bleed into every moment that someone tries to shine some love and hope on you. I lived for a very long time with those lies, I still have trouble figuring out which stories I tell of myself are true and which ones are fictions that feed my gremlin. One of the most important things I ever did to get to where I am was to choose to assume that all of that negative self-talk was a fiction created by my depression. When I felt convinced that I would never live past 25 I just tried my best to live my live as though it was not true.

    And I want to tell you something else. Because I could here that voice when I saw so many loving and supportive comments. When people you don’t even know told you that they value you and your life. And the voice was saying what I used to say to myself “They wouldn’t be saying that if they really knew me.” So this is what I want you to hear. Your value does not come from what you have done, it does not come from what you have or what you have achieved, it does not come from the number of friends you have in life or on Facebook. Your value comes from the fact that you are you, period. I don’t have to know you to know that you are beautiful and worthy of love.

    You are welcome to email me at kristin dot craiglai at gmail dot com and I strongly suggest you listen to Perfect by Pink.

  303. Dear Anonymous 94… I want to add to the chorus. Depression is fucking liar. Sometimes I have to take my crayzee and drag it (kicking and screaming) to the tree out back where I chain the bastard up. Sometimes just the act of imagining myself doing this is enough to help me make it through the moment.

    Please pick up the phone and call the suicide prevention hotline or one of the other resources shared here. If you’re not in the USA please go to google and type in suicide prevention hotline and the name of your country. Or try the website where you can chat online: https://www.imalive.org/

    Working on the assumption that you live in the United States check here: http://www.211.org/ see if you have access to a 211 call center. They can help you find low or no cost assistance. Another place to help you find help is the National Alliance on Mental Illness. Among the resources on their website is information on programs for getting free or low cost medications to help you out once you can get to a doctor for a prescription. http://www.nami.org/ I happen to be great at ferreting out resources. You have a bunch of new acquaintances that are willing to help you over the hump (the resin sheep and I included). Know that you are not alone. We’re all thinking about you and sending compassion and courage your way.

  304. I am just coming in on this now and I am so relieved to see that Anon94 is ok. I am also thrilled to see the outpouring of honesty and support here from everyone. As a sufferer of Depression and anxiety, I am no stranger to the horrendous things you can feel as a result of the suffering. It can be overwhelming and debilitating. But it is like any other ailment out there that requires attention and there is help to be had. And like others have already stated, even with lack of insurance or lack of finances, there are ways to get this help. You are sooo not alone. I am sending you huge (((((hugs))))) tonight, friend, and pray that you have found some peace here today and that you can see that you can beat this. And (((((hugs)))))) to you, Jenny, for allowing this forum to be a healing place where we can all just take a minute to be good to one another and show support. XO peace to you all tonight.

  305. Oh, 94. I’ve been there. I haven’t been in YOUR shoes, but I have been there, numerous times. Depression is a fucking liar who should have Legos shoved into every orifice, and push pins stuck in them a million times, and then shoved into a pit of binder clips and bark chips.

    I have a friend who felt this same way. Another friend and I called the police about her. Because of that, she was able to find community resources she had NO idea about, even though she’d gone looking. Now she’s doing okay, and getting better.

    Life is so. damn. beautiful. It can be hell, but once you make it through the flames you can see the beauty and the wonder. I promise. At least once a year I have to fight to get to the other side, and it’s ALWAYS worth it. Additionally, many of the people who have jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge have the thought juuuuuust after they let go that they don’t really want to die. It makes you wonder if others who have killed themselves have had that moment just before their life ends that they wish they could take their actions back. It makes you wonder how many failed attempts are grateful for their next chance. I know I was glad.

    It’s. Not. Worth. It.

    Please please please please take Jenny up on her offer. (Jenny, you are amazing. Uh-MAZE-ing.) And please, feel free to email me (avanicolemartin@gmail.com) or anyone else who has offered. So many people are pulling for you.

    You are loved. Even if you don’t feel love from the people around you, there are hundreds of people showing you their love right here. You are loved. You are worth it. Don’t listen to the voice of the cruel bitch, Depression. Listen to the kind, promising voices of Love and Light.

    Be strong. Please be strong. At least hold on.

  306. Anonymous 94 – I don’t know what I can add that hasn’t already been said, but I’m here with so many others thinking about you, caring about you, and pulling for you. I walked into my dr’s office three years ago, in a place I was sure I’d never get out of, and told her ‘I can’t handle my life.’ It has taken time, but I’m finally able to see that things get better. Are they perfect? No. But my life is liveable and worth living. Please, please, please take advantage of Jenny’s offer for help. I know, absolutely, without a doubt, that you are worth it.

    Jenny – please let me know how I can get money to you to help Anonymous 94.

  309. #94

    I have no more to add that all these wonderful commenters have already said, except that I want you here.

    This was posted by comedian Rob Delany years ago. It’s about his struggle with depression and how he got help. It’s worth a read:

    http://robdelaney.tumblr.com/post/414007899/on-depression-getting-help

    (Jenny, thank you for this community of people. So many days I come here for a laugh and get much more than that. It truly makes me feel less alone and leaves me much more hopeful about humanity and the kindness of strangers)

  310. Hey Anon94, I hear ya! I’m going through the same thing right now. I’ve called and emailed the few friends I hold close to not let me slip any further and they have rallied around. What I’m doing is taking it slow and trying to take care of myself. And with a little help I’ll hopefully be able to start stepping out of the cavern I feel trapped in. One of my friends just said “post everything on Craig’s List and get it out of there!” I think I’m gonna try that this weekend.

  311. Anon 94, I am so glad that you checked in. Keep checking in. Keep seeing that people care. Keep listening, keep speaking. I swear, I promise, people care.

  312. #94 – you are incredibly brave for finding the strength to mention your troubles AND then check back in with us all while you are feeling so low, and I take my hat off to you.

    I hope you take Jenny up on her offer, getting the help that you need is the most important thing right now and you’ve already taken the biggest step by coming forward…
    It’s also important to remember the good deed you’ll be passing on – $300 saves Victor from A LOT of bizarre taxidermy and giant chickens 🙂

  313. Dear number 94, Hi, please live. The thing is, you never know what might happen if you live, how much better it can get and what you’ll miss. My Dad killed himself 5 years ago and it still haunts me. I’m an alcoholic and I’ve nearly died several times since then, I became depressed when my baby son was diagnosed with a life threatening condition. My point is that life can get dark sometimes but I’m sober now and the light at the end if the tunnel of living is very bright. Don’t ever give up on yourself! Please.

  314. Dear #94,
    Please check local free clinics to see if there is a way they can help you. Bless you. I hope you can see the dark times will go away, please hang in there.

  315. Hello 94 & friends,

    I saw this video today and it made me so happy. Every day is a chance for a new beginning. The sun comes up, or it’s raining like crazy and the clouds are blowing by but there it is – a new day.

    Stay with us. The world is better with you in it.

  316. #94, I’ve been there. I’ve been sitting in my room with a bottle of sleeping pills and no one to stop me. But I kept going, minute by minute, and survived. And now? I have a new daughter who makes every hour a joy and who I love beyond reason. I am so glad I kept breathing simply so I could meet her. Depression lies. It does get better. You have to do what feels like the hardest thing right now, though, and keep living so you can see it. Whatever you need to do to hang on, do it. Take it one minute, one breath at a time. You can do this.

    I see you.
    I love you.
    Keep fighting.
    Don’t let it win.

  317. Anon 94 I broke down in tears just now knowing you made it through today. You matter to me. I lost someone I love last year to suicide and …. Devastation for so many. Please try to make it to tomorrow. And please reach out to someone, anyone. You matter to me, no matter how broken you think you are.

  318. Hey Anon94… Just because I don’t think you can hear this enough times, I’ve been where you are. I’ve been on that brink and I know it’s better to stay. To fight. The last time I nearly died, it was a stranger on the internet who heard what I was saying by not saying it, and pulled me back. That was 10 years ago, this summer.

    Every little bit helps. So here’s something, my mantra, I memorized 10 years ago to help me through the darker times… It’s ironic, thinking about how almost exactly 10 years ago to the date, I was in your place. It does get easier even though things aren’t always easy. And it does get better even though things aren’t always good. Depression is a bitch. You can bring her down.

    When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
    When the road you’re trudging seems all uphill,
    When the funds are low and the debts are high,
    And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
    When care is pressing you down a bit,
    Rest, if you must, but don’t you quit.
    Life is queer with its twists and turns,
    As every one of us sometimes learns,
    And many a failure turns about,
    When he might have won had he stuck it out;
    Don’t give up though the pace seems slow–
    You may succeed with another blow.
    Success is failure turned inside out–
    The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
    And you never can tell how close you are,
    It may be near when it seems so far,
    So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit–
    It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit

  319. #94: I deeply hope you get the help you need, and can take some comfort in knowing there are thousands of total strangers who have quickly come to care what happens to you. I’ve struggled with depression for decades, and only finally last year found out that the REAL root cause was Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve finally been getting treatment for my ACTUAL FRICKIN’ PROBLEM and while I’m not completely out of the woods, for the first time in forever I’m finally seeing a future where I can be happy. I’ll even settle for “mostly” happy, since that will still represent a huge improvement.

    Jenny: thank you for “depression lies”. It’s become my favorite–and most effective–affirmation.

  320. Dear #94:

    I have been where you are. I am a suicide survivor. I can tell you that it gets better. You have to fight though! I too have a VERY limited income but almost every pharmacuetical company will supply psych medication at no cost. You just have to get a doc to prescribe for you. The meds will come to your door every month. For a doctor, please check resources in your city. That is what I had done for me when I was in inpatient and I found a low/no cost clinic that bases fees on your income. I am bi-polar and have had a difficult journey, but I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. I am a much stronger person for everything that I have been thru. You can and WILL cross this bridge. Look at all these friends that have stepped up to give you encouragement. You are cared about and it would make us all so sad to loose you. I am available to chat with you at any time. I am a great listener and can relate. Take Jenny up on her offer. It is so kind and thoughtful. She wouldn’t make the offer if she didn’t have faith in you. We all have faith in you. Good luck with this dark place that you are in. The light will come. It may be a very long tunnel but there is a light at the end waiting to shine down and warm your face! I sincerely mean it when I tell you I will listen and be a shoulder to lean on. Email or twitter me and I can send you a phone number. Stay strong!! <3

    traceepee – twitter
    tracilena at yahoo dot com

  321. Anonymous 94…I have been following this thread most of the day. It wasn’t until 1am that I felt I could write this though. So many of us here have struggled with depression in the past or are currently trying to find our way through it. You have done a very brave thing today by reaching out to Jenny and this amazing community. It’s not easy to admit to others the thoughts in your head, but you did. I know a lot of people have suggested you call a suicide hotline. I have had to do this before and it was very helpful for me. Sometimes just hearing a voice and knowing there’s someone there can help. Just do whatever feels most comfortable to you, whether online or by phone. They helped me to get low-cost and free services when I couldn’t afford them and that saved my life. And please do consider going on meds. I resisted for so long because the depression was the only thing that seemed real and as strange as it may sound, I didn’t want to lose that. Even when something feels terrible it’s consistency can feel safe. Meds can take away the need to hold on to those feelings though. I have been on meds now for a year and I feel like my true self for the first time in many years. No one would ever guess that I was so depressed that I felt like I could barely breathe. Again thank you for reaching out to us. So many people here care about you and want to be of some help to you. I hope you will reach out to people in whatever way feels most comfortable so that others can give you a little strength until you aren’t feeling so fragile. And please don’t feel sorry…your bravery has made me feel more brave and helped me a great deal. Contact me anytime: PeaceMtn at aol dot com.

  322. Anonymous 94/101:
    Please seek professional help. You’re in my prayers, of course, but a professional can help direct you to the right resources so you don’t feel so depressed (or angry or overwhelmed or whatever other emotion has you feeling this way). Without the therapist I’ve been seeing, I felt helpless and overwhelmed, too. He was a God send and I know you can get the support you need.

    Hang in there. You’re NOT alone.

  323. I’ve been there and I’m better and I’ve been keeping a blog about my journey. Been meaning to write about the time I was hospitalized and I’ll try to do that tomorrow. I thought my life would be over and I wanted it to be and it’s so so much better.

  324. Anonymous,

    I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but we have all been there & we know what you are going through. Please don’t give up. take one day ( or even 1 hour) at a time. Things will get better, I promise. There is no shame in asking for help, you have taken the first step by reaching out on here. Jenny has the most amazing supportive followers/fans I have ever known. Many of them have been there for me when I am going through the dark times. So please, keep in contact with them. Please go to see your doctor who will be able to help you further. It doesn’t have to be medication, there is some amazing therapy out there that will help you learn to cope. Keep telling yourself you can get through this! Love & light, my friend. x

  325. Anon94,

    I’ve been there too. I cleaned my house and packed away my bedroom the night I had decided to end it all. I was just cleaning the shower, where I planned to pull the trigger, because in the shower all they would have to do is clean the tile. And then I remembered TWLOHA, and post secret, and Jenny, and all the people who kept telling me I was worthwhile. So I zipped my firearm back up in its case put it away, and unpacked my bedroom again. I took the sharpie from my Bedside and wrote love on my arm and reminded myself that depression lies. There’s always someone there to listen. Be it from one of these wonderful people, or from one of the 1800 numbers. But there are always other ways. The final resort shouldn’t ever be the choice. You are loved, and you can take that to the bank Hun.

    <3

  326. You ALL rock, really you do, I have been following this all day (here in Australia) waiting for Anon94 to reply, and you have all just blown me away with your compassion, caring and love.

    Jenny, you have THE best commenters, ever.

    So much love for you all right now.

  327. Anon 94,
    I am so happy you’re still here with us. I must reiterate what has been said and let you know that you don’t have to wish to be somebody someday because you ARE somebody right now and you DO matter. You have brought us all together and have an army of people in your corner pulling for you. Please seek help because you can get through this. If you’re willing to share the city where you live, as Jenny suggested, we can try to find local resources as well.
    You are stronger than you think.

  328. I’m way behind on this, but I definitely want to add my voice: You are not alone, #94. I’ve been there, too, going so far as to research what might be quickest and had pills in hand. I scared myself that night. I got help and I survived. Some days it’s more about surviving than living, right? YOU CAN SURVIVE THIS! Survive and come out the other side stronger than you were before, BECAUSE you survived. The quote gets a little mangled from the original, but the idea is the same: That which does not kill me makes me stronger. I really do believe that. Some days I feel like I have been forged in the fires of hell… but I’m stronger for it. You are stronger than you know, and you will be stronger still when you get through this too. And reaching out for help when you need it takes courage – you reached out here, and so many people responded. Please, survive this. Please, be strong, get help, and SURVIVE.

    *HUGS*
    Wendy (wendyb.whipple AT gmail DOT com)

  330. Anonymous 94,
    If you go to your local hospital and state your mental health isputting your life in danger, regardless of income, they legally have to provide help. This includes seeing a psychiatrist afterwards. In most states they foot 90-100 percent of the bill. Look into these programs in your area, they got me the diagnosis i needed and maybe they can help you.
    Elise

  331. To everyone who has commented to Anon#94, you are truly wonderful people. I have tears in my eyes from reading what some of you have written. Reading your words have helped me also. Last year just a few days before Christmas, my cousin’s husband shot and killed himself leaving behind1 adult son and two children under the age of twelve. Idon’t know if he was depressed or what. I just wished he had reached out to someone. I have been so angry with him this whole time for something like that so close to Christmas, a time for friends and family, and for leaving behind those 2 precious kids who spent so much time with him since they were home schooled and they loved their daddy so much. His daughter still post on his fb wall how she misses him. Everytime I see that, it breaks my heart and I get angry all over again. Reading your comments, I think will help me begin to forgive him and I thank you for that.
    To #94 I can’t add anymore to what these great people have said, but I hope you will listen to them and take their offers of help. And thank you for reaching out to someone.

  332. For you and all the other with the same sadness.

    Search the happy moments, get rid of all the crap surrounding you, sucking your life energy out of your body, leaving you there, on the floor, alone.
    Look for the sun and the ice cream and the wind and the flowers and the music and all the nice things that are there and are worth it.
    Do not look back on the bad things. Get rid of them. Get another life if the old one makes you sick.
    It’s all about hormones. Consciously make yourself happy, push your hormones towards the positive scale. If you are not happy. Act happy. Look for happy stuff. Happy pictures. Anything that makes you positive. You really have to consciously fight. Every second. It gets better the more you do it.
    And when it get dark in the evening, just go to bed and postpone it for the morning. The ray of lights will greet you, you will feel refreshed and better.

  333. To 94 and anyone else out there, there is another way! Whether you seek medical help or even counseling from a pastor. Most church offices are open and will never turn away someone in pain. They can also help you find the medical resources you need.

    My husband lost his best friend about a month ago to self-infliction, and it has been, by far, the worst thing we have ever gone through – alone or together. There is someone out there that cares for you, that loves you. And even though the depression has lied and convinced you it’s not true, IT IS! Remind yourself how horrible it would be if you lost them, they would feel the same. Hold on for those that care – family, friends, and even Jenny’s band of misfit strangers. WE CARE too!

  334. Anon 94 – I will add to the pile of people who have been where you are. Some of the generic antidepressants (Prozac for one) are only $4 at Walmart to fill, and pretty much any doctor will write you a prescription with a minimum of bullshit. Most of them will even give you a year’s worth of refills so you don’t have to go back for another stupid appointment every month.

    It can get better. If you can get a pet, get one. Mine have saved me more than once. Start a blog…we’ll all come read it and comment and let you know, all the time, that you’re not alone. Because YOU ARE NOT ALONE. And I do like the suggestion about something that you find funny…just look at it or read it when you’re down. Every little burst of light in the darkness helps.

    Just hold on tight.

  335. Sad news everyone: the double shot is closed. Those free coozies my brother got are now collector items.

  336. For anonymous, 2 looks my doctor recommended that helped me Feeling good by David D. Burns and The Mindful way through depression by John Kabat-Zinn. You’re not alone.

  337. Unfortunately, the Double Shot Liquor and Guns store in Schulenburg closed about 2 years ago. It’s a shame really, it was a nice place and the employees were really friendly… I never did go through the drive-thru.

    I will be in Flatonia in October. I have to find the bear.

  338. I too just returned from a Texas trip. Say what you will (and I do) about their misbegotten politics and lame gun control, at least these people come from stock strong enough to survive drought.

  339. Anonymous on comment 94 and 101:
    I know what you feel. I know that you want to end it all and I have felt it sometimes. You just have to remember as Jenny says, that depression lies. It lies and it keeps lying and it makes you think life is more horrible than it its. You need help and there is nothing wrong with that. I am medicated and though my life is no paradise right now, I deal better with the crisis. I still get depressed, I still want to disappear sometimes, but I keep reminding myself that DEPRESSION LIES. I talk about my issues with no shame, because, hey, it’s just my brain fucking up with me and this is just an illness that I won’t let win. It’s like when you have high blood pressure or suffer from migranes… well… we have something wrong with our brains and that’s it. I won’t let this depression define me or win. And you shouldn’t either. Fight it. Remember it’s lying. Remember you’re worth more than you think right now. Remember you are not alone.

  340. #94, suicide is not a gift. It is not hope. It is not your friend. It is not the answer. I know this because I lived with it as my constant companion for 30 years. It was always my ace in the hole, so to speak. I first wanted to kill myself when I was 11. If I had a hard day, and they were many, I would comfort myself by visualizing killing myself. I believed that I wasn’t worth anything. My husband and my kids would be better off without me. I ruin everything. I do nothing right, on and on and on it went. The depression was crushing, but the spinning thoughts are what really tormented me. But then, I found a fantastic therapist that was willing to see me on a sliding scale. Some weeks I haven’t paid her at all. There are pharmaceutical companies that will help you get your medication. The thing is, at the beginning even finding a therapist seemed a daunting and overwhelming task. If that is where you are, please trust Jenny to help you find a therapist. If you give her your email address and your city, maybe she can make calls and see if there is a therapist willing to see you at a comped rate.

    Now, for the good news. I can tell you that you are worth much more than this. You have value. You are a gift to the world. You have a purpose. You matter. You belong. You are loved. You might not be able to feel it or believe it yet and that’s ok. Let us believe in you. Let us believe it for you. Oh and I vote for the yard sale and treating yourself to something special, when you feel up to it. 🙂

  341. Seeing everyone’s comments offering help to #94 seriously brought tears to my eyes. You all are amazing. Wishing you the best 94!

  342. Anon 94,

    Please hang on. You are loved and have so much potential for a fabulous life, simply because none of us knows what’s around the corner. I know the darkness is hanging on with a tight grip right now, but you don’t have to fight it alone. All you need to do is hang on, even if you talk yourself into hanging on hour by hour or day by day. There is help for you, and we all want you around. Please believe us.

    Jess
    shadowayn1 at yahoo dot com

  344. Dear Commenter 94,

    Hang in there, please!

    You are NOT alone. You have just met a hundred plus people who are going/have gone through similar experiences. One in three people will experience mental illness at some point in their lives; one in five people are currently experiencing mental illness right now. That is A LOT of people. It is not a character flaw; depression attacks anyone, regardless of age, wealth, education, profession, gender, etc. If we hurt or break or bodies, we don’t delay in getting help. Unfortunately, when it comes to our minds, we tend to blame ourselves for our body’s bio-chemical failings, which really doesn’t make sense (would we ever say “If I were a better person I wouldn’t have this cold?”) Do not be ashamed or embarassed for reaching out and seeking help.

    Reaching out is the hardest part, in my experience. If you have the courage to reach out– which you clearly do because you have!– then you have the strength to get better. It is not easy, it is not fast, but you already have what it takes. YOU can do this. You CAN battle the depression dragon, and you CAN win. Don’t do it on your own– talk to professionals, talk to friends. Enlist some allies (I think there are several hundred on here for you already!). You’re not on your own and you don’t have to do this on your own.

    You want to be somebody and do something amazing? You are already are and you already have! Look at this wonderful conversation happening here already, that is because of YOU! Because you had the strength and the courage to cry out, the courage to let others see your pain and respond to you.

    And just in case you still had any doubts…. depression lies. YOU matter, YOU are important.

    -Alison

    PS- My doctor recommended the book “Mind over Mood” to help me through one of my bouts. Others here might also find it useful– I certainly did.

  345. Anon #94, I am just catching up from a weekend away from the computer. I am glad to hear that you are still with us. To add to what everyone else has said, you are so worth it. You are a beautiful, fragile human being and I am so glad that you reached out for help. Even if it was unintentional. I must add my addy if you want to talk to someone. I’ve been there too. It sucks huge blooming donkey di*&S. emicon783@hotmail.com. I’m praying for you.

  346. #94

    I’m here to talk about anything. ANYTHING. like some of the other people that have commented and said wonderful things, I’m trained to help.

    I encourage you to talk to anyone. If it’s continuing to post here on the blog in the comments then please do that.

    There is no “wrong” place to reach out. Reaching out is always important.

  347. Anonymous 94, I’m just going to chime in with the other people who have said I’ve been there and that depression is a liar. You are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for. You are worth fighting for.

    I hope you find peace. Please hang in there. I’m pulling for you.

  349. Anon 94 –

    So very glad to hear that you’re still with us!

    I’m so proud of you for hanging on! Please take it as a boost and a reminder that you *can* do it (because you already have!). And do take Jenny (and others) up on their offer to help you be able to see someone. Jenny – I’d be more than happy to add my own contribution as well! Unfortunately I can’t offer a lot but my $20 pooled with other people’s can add up I know!

    Just continue to remember – you are important. You do matter. We’re all so very glad you’re still with us! And we all care very much.

    ~Cara

  351. Reading all of these comments has seriously restored my faith in humanity. All my life I have struggled with depression, suicide attempts, eating disorders and overcoming sexual assault that occurred when I was a teenager. Thank you to Jenny and this whole wonderful community. You are all such beautiful people.
    To Anonymous #94, these words of everyone may not sink in a whole lot right now, but damnit if YOU can get through this rough time and live another day, the support that is out there for you will bring you to your knees in appreciation. Your life is serving a purpose right now, I bet that sharing your story has affected so many people on this blog who may be feeling the exact same thing right now. I know that it helped me and reminded me who good people truly are on the inside. Good Luck #94, I will be sending my prayers and good vibes your way. You are beautiful just for reaching out.

  352. I felt as you did a few short years ago, Anon 94. Luckily I got help, and found the best years of my life so far. Depression lies. There’s always hope. I never would have believed it. We’re all here for you. Get help. You matter.

  353. 94,
    I know it has all been said, but I wanted to join the hundreds of people thanking you for reaching out. I hope you take the next steps and take advantage of all the wonderful offers for help so that you can begin a road out of the darkness. I hope whenever your depression rears its ugly head that you come back here and reread these comments and that they help remind you that depressions lies and even when you feel most alone, help is always available.

  354. dear anonymous 94,

    i’ll start by letting you in on a secret: i have depression too. i’m suicidal too. i don’t want to wake up every morning. i thought i’d be dead by now too. but you know what i realized? if i succeed at suicide, i’ll fail at everything thing else i want to do. so i didn’t. another day, i will come up with another reason, or ask another friend or family member or STRANGER for help. there’s help out there. these comments are proof.

    look into your city/county/state government. they have reasonable healthcare solutions. walk into the emergency room. hospitals have programs to help people who don’t have money for treatments of all sorts. get your thyroid tested. an over-active or under-active thyroid can cause depression. find a psychologist or psychiatrist. these people have chosen these professions, because THEY WANT TO HELP. my first psychologist charged me $50 a session. go to a nurse practitioner. they tend to be less expensive than doctors and have more time. take a walk/exercise. it boosts endorphins.

    remember, most places have $4 generics.

    email me: dembraski@gmail.com i’m fighting the fight with you. depression isolates us. look at how many people commented. we’re all in this same boat together. if we don’t tell anyone we have depression, they can’t help us. i will help you get help. i will not judge you. i will not care about your past. i will get on the phone and call whoever i need to wherever you are to get you help.

    just keep swimming. even if it’s for five more minutes. just keep swimming. the next five minutes will be easier. if not, we’ll hang in the psych ward.

    remember, there’s no shame in admitting that we can’t handle things all by ourselves. we’re not meant to.

    angela aka the girl who’s still swimming – will you help me swim too?

  355. To anonymous #94,
    While I have never taken drugs for it and my short-term therapist never really got to it, I know what it feels like to want to end the pain. I made a huge mistake a decade ago and found myself at 7 am on a very rainy morning driving down Interstate 95, surrounded by cars and huge eighteen-wheelers and suddenly thinking that if I just jerked the wheel a little to right I could shove my Dodge Neon right up under the wheels of the truck next to me. Then I wouldn’t have to continue with the farce that had become life, living out of boxes in a tiny apartment, driving nearly an hour or more twice a day to work at a job that I didn’t really want so my sister could keep her “better” job only 10 minutes from “our” apartment. It scared me. It was the first time I actually thought “I would rather die then continue to live like this”.
    I wish I could say it was something mysterious or great that kept me on the road that morning, but it really was the Neon that kept me going. My Blue Monster was then still a new car and I was very proud of her. I couldn’t take her out with me. I hated finally having to give her up two years ago. You people are the only ones who know why.
    My life didn’t change overnight with that day. I stayed at that job for another couple of months, eventually my sister gave up her job and we moved a couple of times. I still have a half-hour commute but it’s all surface streets with no big trucks and to a job I actually like. I still haven’t forgotten that period of my life or that little voice in my heart that morning. I try not to let it speak to me anymore but I can hear it scratching around sometimes. And when I do, I go find someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s the kid at the bookstore or some comment thread on the internet, I go find someone so I remember that I exist. I matter.
    And so do you.

  356. Dear Anonymous,

    I hope you’re still with us. I just want to reiterate what everyone else above has said: You mean something. Please talk to someone.

    To this wonderful, crazy (in the best possible way) community, you all kick so much ass.

  357. Jenny- count me in on $ for 94. Like so many others, I can’t add much, but together we can combine and help. Just say the word.

    <3 94!

  358. 94…you came to the right place. This “island of misfit toys” is an amazing community. So many have said it better, but WE want YOU here. As someone who struggles daily with depression and self-harm and suicidal thoughts, I can say that I have some idea of what you’re feeling. Jenny’s is the website/Twitter where I always want to come and say “It’s taking every ounce of my being to not cut my arms today.” I never have because I’ve always thought “Who would care?” But thing is…there are *LITERALLY* hundreds of people – strangers – that DO care. We’re in this together.

    My cousin, one of my best friends, killed herself 68 days ago. 68 days and about 12 hours – I can’t breathe, it hurts so much. A day hasn’t passed that I haven’t screamed at her and cried for her and generally felt like shit because she isn’t here. Her light is gone from the world. Don’t take your light away too. The world needs all the light it can get.

    Jenny – you’re an amazing human being. This community is possible because you’ve stepped up and found a way to get important information out through humor. I feel better reading your blog than I sometimes do after two hours with my therapist.

  359. Please do what Jenny said. Leave your email. Someone will help. We all love you. We all want you here. Please. Just ask for help.

  360. 94,
    I hope you are still with us to read this, because I desperately want you to live. My father committed suicide in 1996, and I don’t know what depression told him, but it lied. My father had friends, a loving family, financial security, a home, strong religious faith, basically everything that people strive for in life to make them happy. Somehow, depression wormed it’s way in and convinced him that suicide was the best option. That’s my proof that depression is a lying, cheating, sonofabitch. It’s evil and can’t be trusted. Keep breathing in and out, 94, and kick depression in it’s nuts for me and my family. Get angry – fight back! I couldn’t help my Dad, but count me in for a donation as well, Jenny.

  361. The other day my husband was telling me a story of a young woman he saw at our local grocery store.

    She had visible cut scars up her fore arms. Yet more visible above those scars of self harm was the permanent word FORGIVEN that was tattooed over the scars.

    In this life we must forgive ourselves first and foremost. After all, we have done nothing wrong but live.

  362. Yeah, as I’ve re-read my comment I make it sound that in living we’ve done something wrong. Which is really not what I meant at all. So I’ll just shut the fuck up now and hope my intentions were taken the right way.

    This is why I should not be allowed in public.

  363. Jesus H. Christ… You guys have drive thru gun and liquor stores?!? AND I STILL HAVE TO GET OUT OF MY CAR TO GET MY DUNKIN DONUTS COFFEE LIKE SOME KIND OF ASSCLOWN?!?!

    So. Fucking. Unfair.

    Hugs!

    Valerie

  364. “To be nobody but yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” E.E. Cummings
    So 94 I hope that you never stop fighting, because YOU ARE WORTH IT and YOU MATTER and know that everyone has a story and reach out to someone and so that you realize you are not alone. Depression is like being underwater sometimes and you can see the light, but getting to the surface is hard and challenging, but if you have someone with a life-raft (family/friends/professional help) the journey is so much more bearable.

  365. Anonymous 94–I know what it’s like to feel like my depression is my only friend, my security blanket, the thing without which life is too scary, too hard, too uncertain. It’s a paradox, and it can be so hard to untangle from that. Please do call a hotline if you are low on funds, and continue to talk to us. We all do genuinely care, because even though none of us has walked in exactly your shoes, many of us have experienced our own deep dark times. Depression is awful and a liar, and it’s something that shouldn’t happen to anyone. You are not alone. We are here. *hugs*

  366. #94- So happy you’re still alive and fighting. You are worth it, and although life feels terrible right now, it does get better once you get help. I’m not super eloquent, but I’m pulling for you and glad you’re here.

  367. #94 – what’s your name? Mine is Jennifer. You are not alone, you are not anonymous. You are you and you matter. Stay with us. Please.

  368. Hi. I’m still having an extremely rough time, but thank you all again for your nice words. Sarita, thank you for your comment about Victor and the animals. It made me laugh.

    Thank you for those of you who have offered money. Your graciousness is beyond words. Unfortunately as I explained to Jenny, I am unable to accept it. But thank you.

    Thank you all also for your advice about meds; I wish I could find one where the side effects weren’t worse than the help, for me. Also, I make too much for some help. Not enough for other help. Insurance companies really hate me. But I’ve been through DBT. Maybe I need to read my book again. Maybe I’ll try the chat hotline thing. I don’t know. I’m really messed up. It’s more than just depression. It’s bipolar, borderline personality, type 1 diabetes and a lot of other mess.

    I don’t feel very brave.

  369. Anonymous 94 – this here is part of your purpose: YOU were the catalyst for coalescing this amazing community of wonderful, caring people. I have been crying all day, grateful to know it exists, moved by so much love and support. Please believe you are necessary. This world is better with a broken you – imagine what you will do when you get whole again!

    Jenny – Bless you for what you’ve been instrument too! And please count me in if you ever start a Fuck Depression financial assistance fund!

  370. What a community. 🙂 I’m glad to know you’re all here, cuz I’ll know where to come the next time I’m in the same nasty dark place. it’s sad to see how many of us have been there, but we’re here. We got through it. Anon, I hope you can either get some sleep or get some sun, both help.

    I popped in to the comments because I’m reading your book, Jenny, and just read about your RA. Do you know that some people with an RA diagnosis have Lyme Disease? It can act just like RA and jump from joint to joint on a whim. Lyme does get better with appropriate antibiotic care, and if you’ve had it for years, you’ll need a lot more than 2 or 8 weeks of antibiotics. Sadly, it’s medically very complicated and you have to learn how to get treatment because a lot of docs are skeptics. But through the whole book, reading about your county life and all the animals your dad brought home, I just kept worrying about ticks and Lyme. And Lyme can get in your brain, too, and cause depression, anxiety, etc.

    Brb with some Lyme resources for y’all.

    Carol

  371. #94 I apologize in advance for this but unfortunately I can think of nothing that has already been said (and despite doing it for years) I suck at poetry, but it’s how I comfort people in my own awkward fashion.

    You have hurt and suffered
    Many years in silence
    A lifetime of tears
    Cried in a single night

    The light as a child you knew
    Is dim and barely shinning
    And though you fight valiantly
    Inside you feel your drowning

    Still hold on
    Hold on to the hope
    I know it feels fake
    I know it looks broken

    Just hold on
    To the memory of light

    I’m coming for you
    Racing with all my might

    When the road looks wrong
    When the light looks black
    Keep walking
    Never look back

    I know you don’t know me
    But know that I care
    I don’t need a name to say
    A face to see
    To know I want to help you

    So hold on
    Hold on with all your might
    Hold on for me
    Don’t give up the fight

  372. Lyme resources:

    http://ilads.org/lyme_disease/about_lyme.html
    International Lyme & Associated Disease Society
    —- Website is for doctors (this is general info page) but you can get a referral for a local smart Lyme doc.

    http://www.lymediseaseassociation.org/
    —- Site through which you can search for a local doctor

    Lymedisease.org
    —- General info and advocacy

    Igenex.com
    —- website of company that does a much more useful Lyme blood test than most labs. If you decide to get tested, go to the website and print out the referral form for your doc to sign. You then take the signed form to any lab and they send your blood (!) off to Palo Alto, CA. It’s $$$ but (complicated reasons, blah blah blah) their test reveals the most important info, which (blah blah blah politics, money) most other labs don’t analyze. Doing a “regular” Lyme test at a regular lab will almost certainly say you dont have, whether you do or not, so tget’re a waste of time, money, and vials of your precious blood. The longer you’ve had Lyme, the harder it is to diagnose, but everyone diagnosed with RA should do the Igenex test cuz if it’s actually treatable, you’d wanna know, right?

    Here’s a Lyme symptom checklist (it’s old but probably still useful) 

                                                    Yes No
    1. Tick Bite (deer tick or dog tick?) Y N
    2. Rash at bite site Y N
    3. Rashes at other sites Y N
    4. Joint/muscle pain in feet Y N
    5. Swelling in toes, balls of feet Y N
    6. Ankle pain Y N
    7. Burning in feet Y N
    8. Shin splints Y N
    9. Unexplained fevers, sweats, chills Y N
    10. Unexplained weight change (loss or gain) Y N
    11. Fatigue, tiredness Y N
    12. Unexplained hair loss Y N
    13. Swollen glands Y N
    14. Sore throat Y N
    15. Testicular pain / pelvic pain Y N
    16. Unexplained menstrual irregularity Y N
    17. Unexplained milk production (lactation) Y N
    18. Irritable bladder or bladder dysfunction Y N
    19. Sexual dysfunction or loss of libido Y N
    20. Upset stomach Y N
    21. Change in bowel function (constipation, diarrhea) Y N
    22. Chest pain or rib soreness Y N
    23. Shortness of breath, cough Y N
    24. Heart palpitations, pulse skips, heart block Y N
    25. Joint pain or swelling Y N
    26. Stiffness of the joints, neck or back Y N
    27. Muscle pain or cramps Y N
    28. Twitching of the face or other muscles Y N
    29. Headache Y N
    30. Neck creaks and cracks, neck stiffness Y N
    31. Tingling, numbness, burning or stabbing sensations Y N
    32. Facial paralysis (Bell’s Palsy) Y N
    33. Eyes/vision: double, blurry, pain, increased floaters Y N
    34. Ears/hearing: buzzing, ringing, ear pain Y N
    35. Dizziness, poor balance, increased motion sickness Y N
    36. Lightheadedness, wooziness, difficulty walking Y N
    37. Tremor Y N
    38. Confusion, difficulty in thinking Y N
    39. Difficulty with concentration or reading Y N
    40. Forgetfulness, poor short term memory Y N
    41. Disorientation: getting lost, going to wrong places Y N
    42. Difficulty with speech Y N
    43. Mood swings, irritability, depression Y N
    44. Disturbed sleep: too much, too little, early awakening Y N
    45. Exaggerated symptoms or worse hangover from alcohol Y N
    46. Any history of heart murmur or valve prolapse? Y N

    Ok, I think that’s enough TMI for now.

    Carol

    P.S. I have a jackalope that I bought from a crippled girl (like, 14 y.o.) in Nevada. She did a taxidermy course BY MAIL. Because there was no Internet 25 years ago. And she lived on a remote ranch a long way from the tiny intersection where she put up an ad at the gas station. Cuz it was such a small town it didn’t have a coffee shop. (Starbucks hadn’t been invented yet). She couldn’t walk so she just rode her horse around from the back of the house to the driveway to sell me my jackalope. I swear to Dog, this is all 100% true. No, I didn’t ask why she couldn’t walk. She told me all this on the phone, and it sure was a good thing that gas station had a working pay phone as I’ll bet that ranch is still out of cell phone range, which also hadn’t been invented yet.

  373. Ok, sorry, one more thing:

    Cuteoverload.com

    Pages and pages of cute, funny, adorable animal pics and videos. It’s a good place to troll through when you’re feeling down.

  374. Anon94,
    I really hope you can see all these comments and realise how much everybody here wants you to keep fighting. Depression lies and you are somebody to us – please seek help and contact someone. The world needs more people who’ve been through this awful illness and have the guts to speak out – people like Jenny, and people like you! You took a brave step posting here, you’re a brave person, please don’t give up.

  375. Anonymous 94,
    I’m so happy right now that you are still with us and that you posted again. And even happier when I read that somebody made you laugh. I have been thinking about you for the past two days… You ARE brave. Putting a comment out in the world like you did is very brave. And from what you are saying it seems like you have been brave for quite a while now. That means you can do it, you are strong and many people care about you. Please stick around and please don’t give up.

  376. Anon 94,

    I commented once already but I feel compelled to tell you that you ARE brave. You are much braver than I am, in fact. You’ve sought treatment, you’ve sought help, and you’ve reached out to all of us. It has recently come to my attention that I most likely suffer from agoraphobia, as well as depression, and it’s all to the point where I find myself incapable of actually taking the steps necessary to get better. The agoraphobia might be just a wee bit crippling. But you, despite how terribly you think you’re doing, you have what it takes to get better. You have the ability to take steps forward, and accept help, and THAT is a terribly brave thing to do.

    PS, I’ve been checking this page obsessively since I first learned of you to see if you’ve commented, to see if you’re alright (read: alive). I’m pretty invested in you right now. Your life means a LOT to me.

  377. OH, and one more thing.

    I’ve got this quote here from Richard Bach that I have always adored, and I believe it may be relevant here:

    “Here’s the test to find whether your mission on Earth is finished: if you’re alive, it isn’t.”

  378. Anonymous 94

    Listening to you is like hearing my own voice ….. from 3 years ago. I had just been diagnosed bipolar and was rapidly cycling, my thyroid was under active, and my hormones were a complete mess. I was so sick and tired of being sick and tired. Every medication made me sicker. I couldn’t imagine fighting another day.

    Thank goodness I called my Internist who made me promise to keep trying. I found a new psychiatrist and an endocrinologist and I am doing fantastically today. I metabolize medication very slowly, so a normal dose of medication is like an overdose for me. Today, I am taking a cocktail of 4 meds in very small doses. I have been stable for a year. So much so that I have had to cut back as the side effects start creaking back up.

    Bipolar depression is terrifying because you have a lot of excess time and energy on your hands. Use it to google psychiatrists and call one, any one. Love ’em stay with ’em, hate ’em google again.

    Don’t hesitate to ask for financial help. It’s called paying it forward. You’ll pay it back tenfold when you are healthy again.

  379. Anon #94 I keep coming back here everyday to see if you’ve written and it is such a relief when I see you’ve done it. Please don’t despair, keep trying, we are all here holding you, never cease to fight.

  380. Rachel, I want you to read through every comment left for #94 and apply it to yourself. <3 I have been incredibly ill this summer (waiting on results to find out if I have Lyme), and it has made me anxious about going into public, etc… and it's awful. Please don't let yourself become isolated. Isolation plus depression are nasty together.

  381. I have found out writing helps. You will fee stupid and protective at first, but then at some point it becomes healing and freeing. We love you and miss you even though we do not know you. Feel the heartbeat of your “new” community and friends. Oh…stay out of the dark rooms no matter how tempting they are. I have to MAKE myself get out of bed and go downstairs to play Connect Four with my children. They deserve a Mom who does not hide.

  382. “But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that, even though I do not know you, and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you.”

    I know how much depression sucks. I even know what its like to try to kill yourself. But I also know how wonderful it is on the other side to see the beautiful things around you and just slow down and see what is good in life.
    Please hang in there, talk to anyone you can. It will get better. Trust me.
    <3

  383. #94, I hope you are soon able to find somebody that can help you in the way that you need it.

    I seem to have been struggling with depression since the end of last year / the beginning of this year. After getting into a really ridiculous fight with a loved one, I finally sought some help. I’ve been seeing a therapist for a couple of months now, and it’s really helped me.

    Try talking to a professional about these thoughts you are having. There are all sorts of helplines that are available 24/7. There is one that comes to mind, but it’s for youth so it may not work for you, but I want to put it out there in case there is a young person reading through these comments looking for help: If you are a youth who is feeling alone, confused or in crisis, please call The Trevor Lifeline at 1-866-488-7386 for immediate help.

    I saw somebody else recommended getting a “#94” photo or tattoo or something to remind you that there are plenty of people that care and want you here and better… and I definitely have to agree with that. A few years ago when I was in a really good place, I got a tattoo to remind myself that I wanted to be completely me as I was then in that fantastic place. I’m not where I want to be right now, but this tattoo is a reminder that I was there before, and I can be there again. That I’m working on it. I’m doing things that I love to do, even if it takes more effort than I would like. I’m seeing a therapist, I’m trying to eat better and exercise more frequently (because exercise gives people endorphins, and endorphins make you happy, and happy people just don’t kill people… or whatever… yeah, i love that line from Legally Blonde), and slowly making plans for the future… because if I have plans for the future, I have something to look forward to.

    When I reached out to a friend before, I said that I was lonely and I thought depressed and I didn’t really want to be alone. I just wanted to hang out… be with somebody to talk to about whatever tv show we were watching, or whatever. She unfortunately sucked and despite those words, she was too tired. It gave me even more thoughts of being alone. But then I asked on facebook if anybody wanted to grab a bite. I went window shopping at stores so that I didn’t go home and sit in a room by my self. Eventually a friend called and asked if I had eaten already and I ended up joining him and his wife. Since then I’ve been hanging out with them a ton, and they’ve (unknowingly) helped me a lot over these past few months. My point is… in reaching out directly, or indirectly, you may find somebody that can help you through a rough patch. PLEASE reach out. Many of these lovely people that have left you email addresses and what not are rooting for you.

    Please hang on. Please let us know how you’re doing. We’re all rooting for you.

    To everyone that has offered their story, encouraging words, and advice…. thank you. Peace to you all. Love to you all.

    And Jenny, thank you for this community. I really wish I could have gone to one of your signings these last couple of weeks.

  384. Anonymous 94 – you may not feel it, but you are brave. So, so brave. Dealing with one of the things you’re dealing with, by itself, is tough. But dealing with all that you have going on? You’re brave. And you deserve help. It’s too much for you to handle without the help of a professional/professionals. Like someone said, if you find a psychiatrist that you don’t like, keep looking. You will find someone that you trust and who will help you. In my experience, it takes a couple of tries to get the right mix of meds. The trial period is no doubt rough. But when you find the right mix, it’s amazing. You deserve that.

    You said you can’t accept any financial help – if money is what’s standing in the way of you seeking help, please reconsider. I would consider it a privilege to be able to help you. Also, would you think about sharing the state in which you live (assuming you’re in the US)? We (the community you have here) can help you find resources in your state.

    Thank you for continuing to check in. I, like so many others, genuinely care about you and am glad to be on your team as you work through this.

  386. Careful! The Dixie Chicks went DOWN for talking like that. Hire sacurrity.

    Not to fear, they showed this on the Sasquatch show: What you do is say “Git! Git” real stern-like and it scares them off.

  388. My favorite sign in Texas was for a store named “Condoms To Go.” Unfortunately, no picture of that sign, but I always did wonder about customers wanting to use them at the counter. I could imagine the clerk yelling, “No, they’re to go!”

  389. Anonymous 94, we’re still checking back to see if you’ve written any updates. I know that everything – looked at altogether – can be so overwhelming. Everything doesn’t have to handled right now. Pick one thing – one phone call, one small box, one task, one paragraph of your book – just one of those, and do it. Then take a nap, or have a snack, or watch some Dr. Who, or leave a comment, or all of those. Tomorrow you pick another one to do. This is how I get through my day a LOT.

    Still holding your hand.

  390. Anon 94, I’m bi polar too with a low thyroid and the worst wrists my orthopedic doctor has ever seen. I’m with you on the health problems, babe! Oh and it’s bipolar disorder, mood disorder, depression, and anxiety.

    And the joint problems don’t stop there. My knees and back suck too. D= <3 I love you. I'm so glad you're here!

  391. Anon 94 – So glad to see you check in again today!

    You may not feel brave – but you are. You’ve made it this far!! “Bravery is not the absence of fear, but the will to overcome it.” It’s okay to be afraid, or sad, or depressed. You’ve shown the will to overcome it and continue on. You started by posting here – reaching out for help in the only way that worked for you at the time. And then continuing to keep going.

    I can sympathize with the mass of health problems. Mine aren’t quite as ‘serious’ but I sometimes get overwhelmed. And I have so many overlapping problems and things that because of one problem I’m supposed to do ‘x’ but given the next problem I *can’t* do ‘x’… When I’m feeling okay it’s kindof funny and I can see the irony. But when I’m going through a rough patch I just have to sit down and cry and go ahead and admit that it’s just /not/ fair.

    Please keep checking in with us here. We’ll all pulling for you and waiting for your updates!!

  392. Thanks again for everyone who is continuing to post and care about me. It’s kind of amazing to think that someone is actually tracking to see if I’m still alive. Kind of like “Hunger Games.” Except the forest is the real world and the opponents are the voices in my head. And the people watching are cheering me on.

    I’m doing a little better today. I feel a little less sad and a little more numb. Maybe I’m shifting. That would be great. I prefer to be manic since that means I don’t sleep and I get a ton of stuff done. Like cleaning the garage. Anyway. This is the worst depressive episode I’ve had in years. I’m not sure what to do about that.

    I’ll try to explain the financial thing. I don’t want to feel ungrateful and I don’t want to feel any worse than I do. I can’t explain how amazing it is that people are willing to pull for me on this intensely personal level. It is just that I don’t know what I would do with it. A couple years ago I had a therapist who said that she couldn’t help me anymore because I was too crazy and I wasn’t trying hard enough to get better. The ironic part is that she has no idea how hard I really was trying. I ended up at DBT, which was life-changing. But I had to drop out when I had some insurance problems and it took me a couple years to pay back what I owed (my insurance company decided they didn’t want to cover me anymore so they dropped me retroactive six months so I had thousands of dollars of medical bills by the time they laughed through their shenanigans). Part of it is that diabetes is insanely expensive. Also I started a new job a few weeks ago and if I’m going to stay alive then I need to not jeopardize it. I don’t know any therapists who would see me late at night or on weekends for free, and with my terrible history of medication I think I would need some pretty intensive help if I were to go back on something. The idea kind of makes me want to throw up. Maybe I just need to kind of . . . sort myself out. But please, please, I don’t mean any unkindness or disrespect or anything to any of you amazing people (including Jenny) who have offered to help. That’s the last thing I would want to do, hurt your feelings. I think maybe new insurance will kick in after a couple of months. Maybe I’ll see how I do.

    Anyway, thank you all again, those of you looking for an update. I am doing a very little bit better today.

    Safety word of the day: Oregon. That’s where I live.

  393. Hey there! So glad you responded. Diabetes sucks as does depression. I totally get the job thing, really I do. I have to say this though, you are a rock star for having a job!!! I’ve not had a job for a few years and I’m terrified to even fill out job applications because I never get hired and I can’t take another rejection. Truly, the thought completely overwhelms me. Now, I have to tell you about my therapist. She is amazing. She sees me in the evening because it is her 2nd job, and she sees me for $25 a week. She’s a Christian therapist and I have found that Christian counselors in our area are more willing to have a sliding scale. Oregon is somewhere I have always wanted to visit. I have a friend that lives there and all of her pictures seem so beautiful. I live in a beautiful area too, I live in the Ozarks in southern Missouri. If I could live anywhere thought that would likely make anti depressants a thing of the past for me, it would be within an hour or two of the ocean. Something about the raw power and enormity of the ocean makes my problems seem small and manageable. Anyway, sorry to ramble. I am thankful you are feeling even a little bit better today.

  394. Anonymous #94,

    I’m glad you’re still hanging in there. I know things are rough right now, but just know that the members of this community are here for you. Don’t let that bitch Depression tell you that you don’t matter, because Depression is lying! You matter, more than you know.

  395. Hey, anonymous 94,

    I don’t know if you read through all of these, but if you don’t I really hope you stumble upon this one.

    The fact that you’re still with us just proves that you /are/ brave. We really are rooting for you. Your fight is something we’re all struggling with, and seeing you be able to make it through is very encouraging to the rest of us. So thank you for fighting and not giving up.
    If you feel up to it, a bunch of us are in a group on Facebook called Lawsbian Awesomeness. It’s basically a support group/gathering place for us crazy Lawsbians (this is an open invite, btw! Everyone is very much welcome to join us!) If you don’t want us to know that you’re anon. 94, you need not tell us. We have people trickling in here and there every day or two, so we honestly wouldn’t know unless you told us. We’d be much obliged if you joined in our madness.

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/Lawsbians/

    Hugs to you, my friend. And we hope to get to meet you on there (whether we know it’s you or not)!
    Always,
    Niddy Kid <3

  396. Anon 94 It is incredibly awesome that you have a job! Insurance should kick in for you. I hate my depressive stages too. I had a seriously bad one in December and it’s what pushed me to get help. <3 I'm so glad to hear from you.

  397. The first thing I did this morning was to check if you had commented to see how you were. Thank you for posting and I am so very happy to read that you are doing a tiny little bit better. Keep getting better we are all rooting for you!

  398. Anon 94, I’m one of the many, many folks who is checking in here daily in hopes of seeing a post from you. I don’t have much to offer in the way of advice that hasn’t already been said, but I am praying for you daily and so glad to see that you are seeing even the tiniest glimmer of light in the darkness. You are loved, and I hope you can feel that…this amazing community Jenny has built may live in cyberspace but it’s real and genuine in a unique and sometimes inexplicable way.

    Praying that your tomorrow is even a little brighter than today.
    Peace,
    Jen

  399. Hi, Anon 94 – Just checking back in again today to see how things are. I liked your safety word of the day, and Oregon is a beautiful place to live. If you’re working, you may not get to see this until tonight, but know that I am sending you warm, healing, sorting-out thoughts, and have been throughout the day.

    ((Hugs))
    Seasweetie

  400. Every day since I saw the tweet about comment 94 I have checked back to see the progress. I haven’t said anything, mostly because I don’t know what to say… I battled depression but I can usually shut the bitch up with a cupcake. Anyhow, reading this stream of comments and seeing the amazing out reach of love from total strangers is astonishing and restores my faith in the world. It’s been one hell of a year for me thus and far and this blog tends to help pull me thru… thank you all for your kindness.

  401. Anon94 – if you need some help with diabetes supplies, please let me know. My daughter has type 1 and I know a TON of people in the diabetes community who can get you supplies if you need them. I understand not wanting to jeopardize your new job, but you also don’t want to jeopardize your physical health either, and maybe getting the diabetes thing sorted out would allow you a little head space to sort out your head.

    Anyway, please let me know. The diabetes online community is amazing and helpful and supportive, too.

    My email is book_ish@yahoo.com.

  404. I’ve left a comment before (I too am continuing to read this thread and check in :)), but I just have to say, 94– as a future therapist myself, I am MAD at your old therapist for you. I can’t believe that ANYONE in my profession would turn someone away and say those things– and I want you to know that I believe with all of my heart that you were trying so hard in therapy. I’ve seen DBT do incredible things, especially in group. Have you ever thought about trying a group counseling setting? It can be an amazing new road for those who have hit some road blocks in individual therapy. I always tell clients that finding a therapist is like dating– you have to search around a little until you find someone who you work well with, and it really sounds like your previous therapist is not very good at his/her job if they’re willing to make those sorts of claims about their clients. I PROMISE you– there are therapists out there who would be incredibly invested in YOU, see the work you’re doing and believe in your recovery. Don’t think that every therapist you’d see would be so harsh and unkind, because I know for a fact that’s not the case. I just wanted you to know– I believe you, you are not “too crazy”, and you can heal. I know this for a fact.

  405. Anon 94-
    I’ve been reading comments and following along and I don’t think there is much I can say that hasn’t been said by others.
    I lost my grandma to suicide. My sister has depression and so does my husband. So far, I’ve yet to show symptoms, but I feel myself being pulled into the darkness every once in a while. I still haven’t figured out how to deal with it, and I’m trying to figure it out.
    I don’t know you AT ALL, but you matter to me, greatly. You matter to all of us.
    I really, really hope you are able to find a therapist who listens and helps you. If they don’t, find a new one! You should never have someone tell you they don’t want to help you or can’t help you. They’re just assholes who need to be punched (and I’m a non-violent person!).
    You’re not crazy, you’re normal, you’re human- just like the rest of us.
    *hugs*

  406. LOL, that picture of the drive thru liquor and guns reminds me of a local sign here —
    “we rent machine guns” , cos you never know when you might need one?

  407. Mary, I have a quick question for you as a future therapist. What if you are afraid of seeing a therapist or doctor? I have been disabled by my major depression and anxiety since 9/11 happened, and have gone through way more stuff since then.. Thing is, I can’t bring myself to explain all this to a new person, and so I haven’t been ‘in treatment’ for many years.

    What can you do when the doctors and talking to people you aren’t related to scares the crap out of you and causes a full blown panic attack???

    sorry for even asking what I think is a weird question. But thanks if you have a suggestion

  408. Anonymous 94
    I am also checking this thread to make sure you check back in! I also have a complicated and expensive medical history and depression regularly tries to rob me of my joy. It lies. You can get past it, you will thrive. Keep working for it, keep trying, keep reaching out. Any therapist that stops helping you in such a cruel way is reaching their limitations not yours, and frankly should reconsider their field choice. I am sure more qualified choices will be able to help you!

  409. Sue,
    It’s not a weird question at all– in fact, it’s probably the one I am MOST asked by people who want help but don’t even know where to start. I’ve been in therapy myself, and when I moved states the idea of explaining my story to an entirely new person seemed IMPOSSIBLE to me. And just opening up to people in general can be scary– it makes you feel completely vulnerable, or it can bring in worries about painting the right kind of picture, and I totally get it. Without knowing your situation and just going off of what I can say in a comment, my number one point is this: take it slow. One step at a time. When I would get overwhelmed when I was younger, my Dad used to tell me to ‘just dodge the closest bullet.’ And it seems trite, and I would always roll my eyes at him, but the fact is that there’s no other way to deal with life when it seems that everything’s piling up in a terrifying way. You can only take it one thing at a time. If you do decide to meet with someone new, know that they fully understand that getting to know you and hearing your story is a lengthy process, and it’s going to take a few sessions (or a lot!) to just get through past stuff, not including current things. A good therapist will know this, and understand it, and want to hear your story. They’ll give you the time and attention you deserve and respect the space that it takes for you to describe your experience to them. It can seem intimidating, but take it ‘one bullet at a time’– and I PROMISE, promise, promise that it will not be as intimidating as it seems. I’ve even had clients who told me they weren’t ready to tell me their whole story right away, so we started with current things and gradually, we began to dive into past things and I learned more about their stories as time went on. And remember too that you are allowed to meet with as many therapists/doctors as you’d like before you find one that fits with you. The therapist/client relationship is an incredibly unique one, and you deserve to find someone that you ‘click’ with and feel that you can trust before you open up and tell your story to them.

    Sue, I hope this helps, and I hope it answers your question (and I hope I didn’t just ramble for a solid paragraph after completely misreading what you were saying :)). I’m happy to speak more over email if you’d like, or if anyone else has questions like this, I’m happy to do my best to answer them as well, or just talk. mkl10536@gmail.com

  410. Mary, you totally got it right. The biggest part is that the referral my doctor gave me to the Psych department requires me to tell my whole(and partially unbelievable because it is so crazy it sounds made up) story to an intake person first. Then eventually I get to see a therapist or doctor or possibly group therapy- no way will that work for me ever. And they expect me to do this multiple times a week from what I read on the insurers site. Do they not understand that I have anxiety attacks?? That I have serious issues with talking about it that make it worse? SMH- apparently they don’t get it. Telling one person would be hard, but telling someone (intake worker) even over the phone and then having to go over it all again with a doctor is just, well crazy!

    I have issues with talking to people, and public places and right now I am in hiding out of state(it’s complicated) and rarely go outside at all. Thanks for your offer, I may take you up on this. Mostly thanks for not thinking my question was weird. I used to have a place to talk/type this all to, but they shutdown the site. Why isn’t there online therapy??? I would totally do that. sorry wandering…

    You are sweet to offer, and wonderful to have replied!

  411. I’m so proud to be part of this band of awesome misfits!

    Anon 94-
    Thank you for checking in. I, too, am one of the many people checking for updates from you daily. Thank you for sticking it out, for staying with us. As it’s been said so many times over, I love you and I don’t even know you. It’s amazing that you reached out to this particular community. I bet if you posed the question to this group as to how many of us have been in the deep, dark hole… you’d see hands raised all around. This is a good place to be, Jenny’s community of readers are the most loving, caring group of people I’ve ever seen in a blog forum. And, Jenny, oh sweet Jenny, she has written things that have struck a cord with many of us, myself included. It was Jenny’s honesty about her anxiety and depression and her candid writing about what she goes through during an episode that made me realize that I was in a huge depression, suicidal thoughts and all, and was TOTALLY unaware of how bad it had really gotten until that day. That particular day it seemed like Jenny’s writing spoke directly to me, telling me that DEPRESSION LIES and never to listen to it! In fact, depression *is* a lying bastard.
    People who don’t even know you care for you. Genuinely. Please keep letting us know that you are hanging on. Take it day by day. We’ll keep cheering for you on as long as it takes!

  413. I don’t want to jeopardize this comment thread– but Sue, you’re totally right! Intakes can sometimes totally be more hurtful than helpful, and I know that not all therapists/psychologists require someone else to do an ‘intake’ (ie. some clinicians do it themselves, and that way there’s less people that you have to speak with/try to tell your story to). If you’re interested, I’m sure there are some near you that practice this way. And please do email me if you want to chat more– my metaphorical door is always open 🙂 Also– Skype therapy is becoming more and more popular, so who knows, internet therapy may be a thing sooner than you think! 😉

  414. Thank you for the hugs. I have read every post. I’m having a really great day today. I think I’m doing okay.

    I’m not on FaceBook or Twitter or other social networking, but thank you for the Lawsbians information.

    A cupcake sounds really nice.

    Mary: I did individual and group counseling in DBT and I really loved it. I would recommend DBT to everyone. I had to drop out when I lost my insurance and ran out of money, but it was pretty amazing. I wish I could go back.

  416. Good morning, Anon94 –

    So glad you’re feeling better. One day at a time! Remember this great day, and all of our hugs, on the next reallly, really bad day – that may help you know that that bad day will pass and another great day will follow. Still here for you…

    ((Hugs))
    Seasweetie

  417. So glad to hear it, 94 🙂 There are some great DBT workbooks out there, too, of which I’m sure you’re familiar– even if you don’t have the means to do individual/group therapy now, it might be a good option for you. Feel free to email me (mkl10536@gmail.com) if there’s anything I can do to help!

  418. Anon 94,

    So very glad to hear from you today and glad the update is a more positive one. One thing you need to remember, this group is always here for you. You will not be lost or forgotten here. Please continue letting us know you are well. Hugs and wishes for a brighter day.

  419. So glad to hear you had a great day yesterday, Anon 94. Like others, I’ve been checking on you daily. I hope today was even better than yesterday! Still sending good vibes your way!

  420. Hey, Anonymous 94, so happy you are keeping us updated & your past couple of days have been better! Thinking of you often. Big hugs & holding your hand as long as you need/want me to –

  422. Crazy is what makes America great. That, and our hatred of all things foreign…or from another state even.

  423. Hahahaha, Schulenburg is famous now! 😉 My mom lives near Schulenburg, so I immediately called her when I saw this post and told her to go look. She could not stop laughing. Double Shot sadly (?) closed down…it’s now a donut place. But my stepdad still has a shot glass from there. 🙂

  425. Hey Anon 94,

    I’m really happy to hear you are getting better, I hope it’s still like this. 🙂 I just wanted to let you know, that you are in my thoughts still and I haven’t forgotten about you.
    Hugs,
    Laetitia

  426. My sister got a copy of your book signed for me for my birthday while you were at one of the Seattle book signings. My other birthday present was a twisted ovarian cyst that required serious surgery and a six week recovery period, the first two weeks of which necessitated that I be in bed. So, with deepest gratitude, I have been reading your book while trapped in recovery, trying not to laugh which makes the sutures ache, but being completely unable to do so (and having been told by my physician that laughter cannot make the wound re-open or any of the internal stuff get damaged).

    Thank you, very much, for writing such an excellent read. And for getting Neil Gaiman to endorse it on your back cover. He’s my favorite fiction author, so I treat pretty much anything he says as law. Guess I’m going to hell! 😉

  427. I am a regular commenter but am posting anonymously right now. Anon #94, you don’t need insurance to go to the emergency room. They will take you regardless of whether or not you are insured. My 18 year old son came to me this year and told me that he had suicidal thoughts. We drove directly to the emergency room. We didn’t even have a wait. There was a man who got shot in the leg and they took my son before they took the man. A nurse spoke to my son and determined that he should be admitted. My son was in the hospital for a week. My son loved being there because he got to talk to other people in group sessions who understood how he was feeling. My neighbor’s daughter went through the same program and she loved it too. She really enjoyed helping other people in her group. Please go to the emergency room. It is nothing to be ashamed of. They have seen it all and have heard it all. They won’t embarrass you or make you feel different. Everyone was very kind and loving to my son. Would you go to the emergency room if you were having a heart attack? This is no different. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain and medicine will help that. My son calls his time in the hospital his vacation at the mental spa. You will come out feeling much better. They will give you meds, and if you can’t afford them after you leave, they will direct you to the proper places for help. There are programs designed just for this reason. When my son came out of the hospital, I told him that he was a hero. He said “Why? I didn’t save anyone’s life.” I said “Yes you did. You saved your own life.” A life is a life no matter if it’s your own or someone else’s. Be a hero. Save your life. Then use your experience to help someone else. Because you never know when you will cross paths with someone who is feeling like you are feeling, and you can tell them of your experience.

  428. One more thing. I am only posting anonymously because I don’t want to put my son’s business on the internet. I am not ashamed, and neither is he. I just don’t want to violate any trust by putting our names out there.

  431. It looks like this thread is mostly dead now, so if you’d like to correspond with me individually, please use unhappy.sickness at gmail dot com. Thank you all for your compassion and thoughts this last month. They were greatly appreciated.

  432. Great video. I have a “20 something” nephew in boot camp at Ft. Jackson, SC even as I am typing. He is planning to join the National Guard in Texas. We salute you Jeremy. Thank you for training to fight for us and keep us safe. God Bless all of our soldiers who are serving and have served.

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