I’m probably going to hell for this one.

in Random Crap

1.  I’m still alive and well.  Mostly alive and slightly well.

2.  Maybe it’s just that you notice it more when you’re depressed but it seems to me like these melancholy things come in waves for everyone.  I blame Saturn.  Or Jupiter.  Whichever one is being an asshole.  Uranus seems too obvious.  Regardless, if you’re feeling hopeless and freaked out right now just rest assured that you’re not alone and that this will pass for us all soon.  Until then, remember that depression is great for your pores.

3.  We finally sold our house in Houston and it only took us 987 days to do it.  We also ended up coming to the sale having to pay a ton so that was great.  In the middle of signing all of the paperwork I mentioned to Victor that we should probably disclose that we buried that-guy-I-couldn’t-remember-the-name-of in our yard years ago and Victor looked at me like I’d lost my mind.  Probably because you’re not supposed to say that in front of realtors.  Then Victor told me to be quiet, but I mentioned that we’d probably go to hell for not digging the guy back up.  Then Victor explained that I was talking about a saint I’d buried upside down in our front lawn to help sell the house and the realtor looked at us like we were insane because apparently she’s not Catholic.  And technically neither are we, but at the time we were pretty desperate to sell the house and I was willing to bury just about anyone in the yard to stop having to pay two mortgages.

In the end we ended up having to bring a giant check to the signing so technically I’d say Saint Joseph and I failed each other.  I did, however, write a small note to the people buying our house which said “There’s a guy buried upside down under the oak tree in the front yard.  He’s yours now if you want to dig him up.  Hopefully he’ll bring you better luck than he brought us.  There’s also half a cat buried in the backyard.  No extra charge for either.”

4.  Victor just pointed out that it sounded like I said I’d buried half a dead cat in the yard, which would be ridiculous and also gross.  I buried a whole dead cat there but by now at least half of it would be decomposed and I wanted to be as honest as possible.  Victor says sometimes honesty is not always the best policy.

Victor might be right on this occasion.

347 thoughts on “I’m probably going to hell for this one.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. I spent the better part of 3-4 months in my bed from depression. I totally GET it! Hope you’re feeling better. Hang in there, and glad to hear you sold the Houston house, even if you had to unload a whole ton of money and a half buried cat!

  3. I say if you had to write a big fat check to sell the house, then you shouldn’t have to dig anyone up out of the yard.

  5. “I’m still alive and well. Mostly alive and slightly well.”

    Love that phrase! I think that’s true for most people, actually.

  7. I just happened on your blog for the first time today and was gut rolling with laughter. Thanks! My sweet old cat is named Theodore but I call him Sweet Baby T-Rex. Ironic since he has no teeth. And I tell my hubby regularly that our next cat will be named ‘Walker, Texas Ranger’. He doesn’t believe me.

  10. We’ve had our house for sale for over 10 months now (and are trying to move to Houston, funny enough) and St. Joseph hasn’t done shit for us. Whoever is making these stupid statues must be making a fortune, though.

  13. There are so many pets buried in our yard that it’s more graveyard than frontyard now.

  16. Gosh, I heard about burying St. Joseph upside from my realtor — who’s Jewish. But the Bay area is different from Houston, I guess.

  17. Ugh. Depression sucks ass. So does selling your house for 35,000 years. The combination should be banned by the Geneva Convention. Glad to hear you’re somewhat back. Let the new owners deal with the bodies.

    Tracy @ http://www.momaical.com

  18. Thank you. In the midst of a “I’m going to cry forever” period I know I can come here and find a “happy”.

  20. In waves, that has a nicer ring to it than jolty roller coaster up & downs. Let’s go with waves. 🙂
    I’m glad you finally sold your house. Congrats. The rest: you made me laugh. See, even at the bottom of the wave–your wave, my wave, everyone’s wave–we find our driest humor. In the end, it’s all material. Take care, the rise will come back soon. <3 dahlila xo

  21. I think I’m probably going to mention the dog corpse buried in the backyard in my home disclosure form… and in the negotiations, I’ll stipulate that the potential buyer must keep up the grave and allow us 24-7 access to the backyard for mourning purposes…

    Wonder how long it will take MY house to sell?

  22. We buried St. Joseph (we’re Anglicans, but I’m sure he didn’t mind) and sold our house pretty quickly, but I couldn’t find him when I went to dig him up. So we bought another statue and I’ve been keeping that one with us. Hopefully we didn’t break the rules too much.

  23. It does all come in waves. One minute you’re treading water, the next minute the tide is going out and taking you with it and suddenly you’re floundering . . . the next thing you know, you’ve washed up onshore and you’re blinking and coughing and unsure how long you were out or where you’ve washed up. And then you sunbathe and collect shells and pretty rocks and keep an eye on the tide, because you know it will be coming back in before long and you want to squeeze every possible ounce of joy from your time on the shore. Just make sure you wear sunblock. Nothing sucks the joy out of a day at the beach like coming home with a blistering sunburn and sand in all your crevices.

    That metaphor kinda went off the rails somewhere in there. Anyway, i’m glad the house is sold. The waves will recede eventually.

  24. I’ve been in more then a bit of a funk lately – maybe there really is some bastard planet at work. I hope whatever it is cuts it out fast. Here’s to being ‘slightly well’ now and hopefully mostly well soon!

  25. I think all houses should come with a note from the owner disclosing what was buried in the yard. That would make house buying so much more fun. My dad buried gold in the backyard once. He was worried about Y2K.

  26. I tried to bribe my St. Joseph by burying him with a box of raisins and the squirrels dug him up, desecrated St. Joe and defiled the raisin lady, which explains A LOT about why that house sale went the way it did. And about the type of badass squirrel that lived in our hood.

  27. Glad to know that you have made it to the sorta alive kinda well phase. I am still in the leave me the hell alone don’t talk to me phase. I’m hoping it will pass soon. Cause if it doesn’t there might be someone buried in my yard and it won’t be a saint, and there could be police involved so I’m going back to bed now. Maybe I can come back later.

  28. I know many people say this. But thank you for all you share with the world. It’s made me feel a whole hell of a lot better about feeling the way I do. It’s even helped me tell people, I was so terrified of the stigma I may have faced but your blog and your book have helped me. I hope you feel better soon.

  29. Thanks for the reminder that I’m not alone. I’m having a hard time right now, for absolutely no reason. Came out of nowhere, smacked me upside the head and made me dread getting out of bed every morning. Why are mornings the hardest? Maybe it’s just me.
    At any rate, thanks.

  30. My mom always gets very Catholic when she tries to sell houses and buries St. Joseph each time.

    When I was a kid she forgot about the statue so I remember her staking out the old place until she saw the new owners left so she could steal him back. This week she just gave up on selling her house so she went to unbury her statue and she decapitated him. She glued Joe’s head back on but I’m not sure he’s going to work the same.

  31. We are on month six of selling our house and are contemplating the whole bury the upside-down saint thing. I’m thinking, based on your results, that we might skip it. Also the whole not-believing-in-it part. Glad you are feeling better, and the clouds are passing 🙂

  32. See, you’re supposed to bury St. Joseph in the BACK yard, facing the house. My mom got that wrong way back when and the house behind ours sold in a week. Ours waited until she unburied him and then did it correctly. So, probably what happened was someone in the neighborhood behind your house recently buried St. Joe wrong and you got the real estate luck from it. Just neighbors helping neighbors. There’s always sunshine and unicorns in every story.

  33. “In the end we ended up having to bring a giant check to the signing …”

    I totally read that as, “In the end we ended up havinv to bring a giant CHICKEN to the signing….” and I thought to myself, “well, at least Beyonce got to go along to cheer up the proceedings and then I wondered about the wasps in her chest and if anyone was stung…”

    I am not wearing my reading glasses, so I had to then read back because you didn’t mention wasps but kept talking about checks and money and nothing about them even asking about Beyonce and I was more confused than ever.

    By the way, Virgo and Leo are doing some sort of dance that’s making all of us miserable. That’s what I was told by my therapist. I was also told it will get better and I will feel better. He always says that, I always believe him, it always does. Eventually.

    I’m glad the other house is finally sold. To someone who will probably be happy for all those extra bodies. Protection, you know?

  34. The upside down saint worked for us on our house but I’d forgotten about him until you mentioned it. Now I’m wondering if I can sneak into the yard and dig him up, just for the hell of it.

  35. But don’t you get to say anything in public now?? I thought once a person checked off best selling author on their life list they were allowed to say anything and just be called eccentric author. Don’t these people know who you ARE?? Maybe just start saying, “sequel!”
    Congrats on the sale!

  37. There’s no need to blame any planets, it’s that saint’s fault. Besides, I’ll bet the realtors enjoyed you and Victor breaking the monotony of endless signings and buyer / seller anxiety.

    If it’s any comfort, selling or buying a house can be a depressing, demoralizing process for anyone, medical depression or not.

  38. I never know what to comment. Buried treasure or no. You said it all and I laughed. And even disengaged my caps lock before I wrote. Maybe the day is turning 😉

  39. I am feeling really depressed today too. I’m glad I’m not the only one. I am glad you got your house sold, even if you had to pay a ton to do it. Thanks for trudging on even though you’re feeling out of it.

  40. So congrats? Maybe?? And I hope you feel a bit better soon. I know depression sucks, it really does. I’ve been dealing with my own which comes and goes so much I get whiplash.

    I had never heard of this St.Joseph thing until this morning when my the contract on my mom’s house fell through and she mentioned doing the same thing so she could sell her damned house. Then read it here. Huh.

    I do love your way of mentioning it to the realtors though. THAT must have been priceless.

  41. As a Texas Real Estate Closer that is hillarious. My girl friend, who isn’t catholic, burried a guy upside down in her yard, to sell her house. But she never disclosed that to the buyers. And the girl who told her to do that also told us her grandmother told her to wait until her husband was asleep and take a really sharp razor blade to his weiner and make just tiny slits here and there (they were selling their house due to a divorce). I was skeptical over the whole guy upside down thing. You have to watch those catholics and their voodoo.

  43. You are awesome, amazing, strong, and loved. The depression will pass. You told me it does so there fore it has too. Chin up. and if you do go to hell for this post I’ll meet ya there Margarita in hand 😉

  46. last week I spent most of my children’s independent play time and their sleep time staring at my living room wall to deal with The Big Ugly Custody Battle with my ex and his Big Ugly Reaction to the recommendations we continue keep him 200 feet from the children involved. Staring can be a good way to pass the day without getting dressed.

    I felt more productive than I looked, I’m sure.

  47. Must be something in the air, ‘cuz its been a rough couple of weeks around these parts as well. Congratulations on the sale of the house! One off the endless loop of things that may keep you up at night. (or may not – not everyone gets depressed in the same way – sorry, rambling)
    Rock. On.

  48. Congrats on selling the house. That depression thing is following me around like a lover turned stalker – although the latter sounds like more fun. Do what I do – mess with your head even more: http://www.philosophyexperiments.com/ It’s just good damn fun.

  49. As ‘The Shepherd’ said to Mr Fillion’s, ‘Mal’ in Firefly Jenny

    You will go to special hell………

    But at least it’s done nw so what’s Victor grumpy about and knowing what you’re like why did he let you be there…….. Xxxxxxxx

  50. Right. _This_ is the thing you’re going to hell for. 😉

    Thanks for being, and for sharing – always a joy to hear from you.

  51. Honesty is always the best policy. Just think, now you don’t have to be fearful of getting a phone call from a very pissed off new home owner cuz they only got half a cat.

  52. I should note, however, that staring at the wall is not a great way to deal with abusive ex husband related anger. I should figure out something better for next week.

  53. Ick. Been there with the double mortgage thing. We bought our house all wide-eyed and bushy-tailed back when we were young and the market was AMAZING. Then it kicked us in the face for a year and a half until we, too, had to pay a few thousand to offload it. Sweet.

    Sadly, I missed the opportunity to bury anything in my yard. Next time.

  54. Cracking up at Julie’s decapitated head story. OMG. But yeah, that guy never works, upright or upside down. I think it’s just one more Catholic rule we have to follow. It’s all about rules.

    Sorry it took so long to sell your house. Holy hell.

  55. I tried that saint thing upside too and it also didn’t work worth shit for me either…no cat though, half or otherwise.

  56. Hang in there! Yay for selling the house. Boo for having to pay a ton. Thinking about you. Glad for a post to know you’re ok.

  57. Perhaps you buried the wrong saint! 3 years is a long time to sell a house. Glad you managed to though in this market.

    Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling poorly. My husband sent me this the other day, saying that he was willing to help with my depression…. Perhaps Victor would also be willing to help? http://www.hbcprotocols.com/newsletter/newsletter22.html

    If nothing else you might get a good laugh 🙂 feel better.

  58. For good measure and as a preemptive strike I’d bury a St. Joseph at the new house as soon as possible….just to give it time to work since apparently it needs at least 987 days for the magic juju to kick in. Hopefully the dead cat sacrifice is not a part of the ritual but if so I’m pretty sure you can check Craig’s list or Ebay, and then, of course, we’d expect pictures. 😉

    Be well.

  59. I was recently bitten by the depression fairy, too.

    He’s such an asshole.

    Congratulations on the house, though! I can barely handle the one mortgage we have, so I imagine it would be a relief to shed the second.

  60. I agree it’s something in the air. Many people seem to be all turned around. And I would love a burried loved cat in my yard. Lucky.

  61. If it weren’t for bouts of depression, I wouldn’t recognize when I’m happy. Or have any good material to write about.

  62. Glad the house sold! Did you ever get the comforter out of the dishwasher, btw? If not, I think it would make a nice housewarming present for the new residents of your former residence. And in our yard, we have buried 6 dogs, 5 cats, 4 hamsters and a parakeet. Technically, there are also several dozen fish and about that many finches in our septic tank. All these animals were dead, in case anyone was wondering.

  63. Glad to hear you are slightly well. Hope you continue on towards feeling well well. I wonder how long it will be before you get a visit from the police about the body. Thanks for the laugh!

  64. *HUGS* to them that needs ’em! Nope, not alone, I’ve had about the shittiest summer I ever remember having, but things have been crummy since December. If it wasn’t for the deep-seated paranoia about becoming an alcoholic, I’d probably be drinking a lot more. Well that, and the fact that when you’re prone to migraines, you don’t do things that you know will make your head hurt later. Usually.

    CONGRATULATIONS on selling your house! I didn’t know about the St. Joseph trick when we tried to sell our first house… good to know.

  66. Just think of how many people leave that poor saint buried upside down after they sell their house? I don’t suppose people will remember to dig it up, nor care about it anymore. I wouldn’t say a peep…

  67. Upside on the big check from you at closing is a tax break next April. Also, glad that there were no vultures to fight when you buried that cat…

  68. i wonder .. if you have buried him right side up .. do you think he would have worked better? idk .. but the 1/2 a cat should never have to be fully explained. they are buying a house by YOU .. enough said. They should be begging you to bury something else or even sign a wall or etch something in to something that they can later sell off because at this point i think the upside down saint isn’t working and perhaps he is just pissed that he didn’t get to be right side up and then it is just a moot point because he is now someone else’s problem.
    just wash your hands of it and hopefully the next person to have the house is somewhat catholic and will right the situation and if not .. well then they will just burn in hell.
    I prolly will just for writing that, oh well .. ill be there regardless. i digress!

  69. I’m glad there’s some sort of planetary explanation. Although I suspect that you’re lying about the pores. See this zit? He does not feel cleansed. He feels angry and anxious and vindictive.

  70. I buried a St. Joseph in front of a house in Nebraska that took three years and sold for $60K less than what we paid. I can’t tell you how many educated, serious friends informed me that I must have buried him facing the wrong direction, or that I didn’t pray correctly when burying him, or he wasn’t the precisely correct depth, or he wasn’t made of the correct material. HOW MANY GODDAM LEVELS OF COMPLEXITY ARE THERE TO THIS PARTICULAR MYTH? Sweet Joseph, it would have been easier to swing a dead cat by the tail three times in the full moonlight.

  71. This could potentially backfire if an Atheist bought your house…just sayin’. 😉

    Congrats on the sale! In this market, that rocks!

  74. I buried St. Joseph in my yard too – thankfully my house sold in just a few months.

    Apparently if you really want your annoying neighbours to move the hell out, you should bury him upside down facing their property to help them sell their house!!! *I wonder how many people are heading out to buy a St. Joseph statue right now?*

  75. On another front-even if there is a dead body in the yard I don’t think you have to disclose it if there is no formal grave-HA – Oh, and St Joe works against you if you aren’t catholic.just sayin–ITS ALL HIS FAULT

  76. The cat’s prolly not even dead, Jenny. They have nine lives. So it’s likely 8 ALIVE cats are buried under the tree and THAT is what could get your hell passport stamped again.

    But all the honesty balances that out so you’re almost heaven bound.

    But not for a long, long time……

    #ihatedepression

  77. Is it bad that the only thing that keeps me from killing myself tonight is that I know nobody is here to feed the cat? if I leave food out she’ll be alright until monday?

  79. If you’re going to hell, then we’re all coming with you! You can drive the hell bus! I’ll bring nickles so everyone can have fare. We’ll need a St. Christopher for the dashboard. And air conditioning. We’ll need air conditioning. It’s hot down there, I hear.

  80. I blame the blue moon on Friday.

    Don’t know what a “blue moon” is? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_moon

    Notice in Hindu the extra time in which a blue moon occurs is called “adhik”. A DICK. Cosmic irony AMIRITE?

    Okay, Okay, so it probably has nothing to do with it. I just like to be silly.

    By the way my friends and I buried a statue of St. Joseph in their backyard when they wanted to sell their last house. Me being the only resident Catholic there (by baptism only…never go to church) had to read the special …incantation?…ritualistic words?

    Anyhow, it worked and they sold their house but then it turned out that there was asbestos in the attic so I figured Joseph was being an asshole about me being the token Catholic because I’m not actually religious. He let the house sell but only if they took a cut for the asbestos, sort of like he was saying, “if you’d gotten a REAL Catholic to say the words, I might have helped you out with the pseudo-brimstone attic”.

    Depression, blue moons, and Saints, man…what a trio of clusterfuck.

    Oh and thanks again for signing my book with “necrophilia is bad”. It absolutely makes my day!

    Depression lies. You taught me that.

  81. sounds like you’re doing pretty well compared to me. Let’s have a margarita and drown our troubles sometime (though, I feel these days, the troubles would float like one of those swim noodles and come back and bump me in the back of my head). :-/

  82. Hang in there lady, and keep in mind that while you are wasting away from depression, you are making the world a better more laughable place… I would say that’s

    Jenny: 1
    Depression : 0

    Or at least here on the blog we can say that. I know it doesn’t necessarily make it true, but again, this is a blog and we can make believe together, or at least I heard you could do that on blogs… never mind – have a good day. Well at least try.

  83. I have known several good people who left upside-down guys burried in the front yards of their homes. That part? Too funny!
    As for the other part, I wish you a speedy snap-back to your “normal” self. Depression is a viscious mistress with no sense of humor. I hope you kick her ass quickly!

  84. my mom bought one of those saints when they were trying to sell our old house. she had him sitting on the dash and turned a corner and he flew out the window. we laughed our asses off.

  85. You know how they say booze makes you more depressed???

    It’s a lie.
    Total lie.

    I’ve been boozin’ it up for months while going through my ‘rough patch’ (as my husband puts it), and I feel great. Beer is my only friend. Well, that and Hot Fudge Sundae Pop-T@rts. By the case. On each.

  87. I have never been a homeowner, and I have never heard of burying an upside down saint and on the depression topic – I too have been wondering if it’s been a planetary issue since it has been an issue with me and so many of my friends for the past while.

  88. Thanks for not visiting me when you were in Toronto. I guess you were just too busy to pay little, old me any mind. Oh well, the least you could do is comment on my beautiful pre-wedding pictures that my friend took.
    Thanks,
    Chris

  90. I sincerely hope you are NOT watching the news. 70 days out from a presidential election the news is enough to throw the most emotionally hardy into throes of anxiety and depression.
    I love you and have missed your posts. Glad you’re mostly alive and hope you are more than slightly well soon!

  91. This just totally made my night for many reasons. First of all- our cycles of depression seem to hit at the same time so I am beginning to think that it is totally cosmic. Anyway- as for the Saint- he has not worked to sell our land- which totally pisses me off on a daily basis- Any who….. I also planted him in the yard 3 years ago- so maybe that was a bad year for plastic saintsb. Anyway- my point is that I just read this blog entry outloud to my family- laughing through the whole saint thing- and my 10 year old started laughing soo hard that he actually threw up his boiled egg. He stated that he did not appreciate me reading funny things at the dinner table. So thank you for this fabulous moment. Nothing is better than making your kid barf because he is laughing! Merci!

  92. I’m planning on selling MY house and moving into my mom’s house, just so I don’t have to disclose she died there if I try to sell it. Going from 2500 square feet to 1275 is going to be a bitch, but at least THAT place is closer to work. If we ever get around to selling it, I’ll just explain that the ghost in the house is my mom, but that she likes cats and chocolate, and will turn the TV up full blast. I will probably try the St. Joe thing, though. Glad you’re feeling somewhat better, and that the house finally sold. If I had spare change, I’d send you the steel flamingo as a housewarming gift.

    Hugs,

    Diane

  93. Maybe the dead cat cancelled the St Joe vibes. I don’t know, I’m not Catholic, either.

    There’s a round of glooms running around everywhere lately. I’m in a funk, and I think daily that faking my own death and running off to be someone else (a porn star, maybe) would be good for a little pick me up.

  95. Congrats on the sale and the mostly alive and slightly well. So great to see you post. Would you lovely people send some healing beams and prayers and hugs to Anon94? I hope she will be mostly alive and slighly well today too. God bless us all

  96. I think you’d better go dig that guy up. We left St. Joseph buried in the yard at our last house and it always sells fast. (I keep tabs on it because I miss that house.) Now we can’t even THINK about selling our current house because we’re so far underwater, we’d have to rob a bank to get enough money to bring to the table. I’m thinking maybe you only get ONE St. Joseph statue in a lifetime and if you leave it at the old house, those people will get all the house-selling luck. Maybe Victor has a prior St. Joseph statue buried somewhere he’s not telling you about and that’s why it took so long to sell your place.

  97. We found the upside down statue of whatever saint it is when landscaping our first house. The people we bought it from were Hindu. We kept it, used it seven years later when we had to move, only took 360 days or so to sell the house.

  98. Some years ago there was a fascinating article in the Washington Post about real estate and murder. Specifically did people know that the house they were living in now, was the site of a famous murder or murders or where a murderer had lived. It was amazing how so many people didn’t know, even though the murders had happened in the last 25 years or so. Or that some people didn’t care. I am not sure which made me wince more.
    http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2006/02/04/AR2006020400830.html

  99. Sorry it took so long to sell, but glad you are finally out from under that second mortgage. Maybe you should have buried Two saints in the backyard? Just a thought.

  100. Sometimes when I read one of your posts and there’s a link in it, I get scared a little. But I click the link anyway.

  101. Who hasn’t buried things in their yard they’d like to forget? I’m not in favor of full disclosure. I never would have sold anything that way. (or been tricked into doing things I would otherwise have avoided; such as, a friend just talked me into feeding her cats while she is away and I went over to do said chore only to find her apartment is actually the fifth chamber of Hell! And I, being a neat-freako compulsive cleaner — which I suspect she knew — not only fed the cats — that hid in the box section under mattress of her bed — but swept and cleaned and mopped feces, coffee grounds, hair, unidentifiable proteins and all manner of bacteria-infested grime in a trauma-induced “oh hell no!” fit of “this cannot stand” swabbing blitzkrieg)

  102. Glad the world is starting to make sense again. At least, as much sense as it ever does. Also, when it comes to things buried in the yard, I think it’s more appropriate to beef up the truth a bit. In fact, you should have drawn a map so the people buying the house can feel like pirates when they go to dig everything up except instead of gold, they’ll find animal carcasses and upside down saints which is just as good when you think about it.

  103. Dude – it totally is in the stars. Or maybe, it’s just EARTH being the asshole. I bet the Martians are having a grand old time right now.

  104. Lots of us seem to be riding that same wave. I blame Mercury in Retrograde (which ended a week or so ago but what the hell). To get out of my isolating depression (I live on a farm, in the middle of BFE), I went to the big “City” this weekend to see my BFF. As we were strolling through The Haight (San Francisco), we came upon a fabulous shop that immediately brought you to mind. The diorama’s are to die for (pun intended). When you’re up to it, check them out http://www.lovedtodeath.net/#!shop.

    Never in my wildest dreams, did I ever think stuffed animals in a miniature tableau would be cool. So, thank you for that.

  105. Sounds like the upside down guy brought the new owners a LOT of luck – the “big check” you wrote !!

  106. My husband and I are trying to short-sell an investment property in California (we live in Virginia)…thank you for providing some much-needed laughter during this process! I promptly forwarded the link to your blog to my husband and asked if he would have our realtor go bury someone in the front yard of the property…..

  107. someone told me we are have TWO full moons this month. TWO!!! that’s where i put the blame. been sooooo blue.

  108. Dear Jenny,

    I think it was incredibly magnanimous (<-been wanting to use that word for months) of you to refrain from disclosing all the details, while at the same time letting them know they might be haunted by an incredibly cool cat blessed by the immaculate(<-not wanting to use that word, but it fits) upside-down Saint.

    Congratulations on finally being able to exorcise sell your house. And wishing you all the best in shrugging off the sticky universal mega-funk that is depression. Take care chica!

    -Tony

  109. Oh Jenny Lawson how you make my days better! Congrats for the sale! Who in their right mind would not want half a dead cat and a saint buried? It gives character to the house!!! Like capital letters ‘character’ but I don’t write it that way because it might interpret as screaming and I would certainly not scream at you something that you already know. Or scream at you at all.

    Thank you so much for mentioning Caitlin Moran’s book! I’m reading it right now and laughing out loud…I want to be like you and Caitlin when I grow up.

  110. I think that the previous owners of our house may have buried a mule (named Joey- which also happens to be my name) in our yard. I know that mule died here because my alcoholic neighbor told me. Once I was digging in my flower bed that I located on an odd (mule sized) mound of dirt and I found a short length of lead rope. I decided that I had dug deep enough and put my rose bush in the shallow hole. I suspect that a rotting animal carcass is some form of compost because the roses are happy. ” Dust to dust” and all that business.
    The End.
    (Except I buried my cat under the crab apple tree and something keeps using his grave site as a toilet. I blame the raccoons. bastards)
    THe EnD.

  112. I applaud your honesty. Who cares if your realtor now needs therapy. He/She probably needed it before. Your honesty is just like an intervention.
    It’s also nice to know that house sell somewhere

  113. I’m glad you can still make funnies amidst the depression. That’s a good thing! My anxiety has been so severe lately. It certainly must be in the air. Hang in there!

  114. Buried a saint in our front yard…prayed over it…and when no one was looking, did a bit of a rain dance. Result…no sale!

  115. Aww… Sounds like you’ve had a rough time. 🙁 Hope it gets better quickly. And I hope the people who bought your house realize how lucky they are to get full and detailed disclosure! You should point them to your blog with notations about which events were directly related to the house.

  117. Flashback to Seattle: Green Alien painting…I’m the one who relentlessly requested your presence for a PASKETTI DINNER? Are we getting warmer at least? Fuck, Jenny! Nice to know your BIGGEST FUCKING FAN EVER sticks out so RADIANTLY (props to Charlotte the spider).

    Aaaaanywaaaaay…I wondered if you completely destroyed that picture to find out what that altoid sized lump was that was trapped within the painting? I had a bet going is the only reason I ask…also? It was hideous and disturbing and I don’t blame you one but for shit-canning it. Srsly. What was that damned kid thinking anyway?

    Love you. C

  118. Congrats on finally selling your house! There’s nothing I hate worse than having to sell a house. We either get really lucky and get a contract fairly quickly, or it sits for months until someone buys it (usually right before the Realtor’s listing is set to expire). Luckily, my husband’s employer will buy our house if they ask us to relocate. We came very close to exercising that option on one of our previous houses, but found a buyer at the last minute. I’m glad y’all don’t have that hanging over you any more.

  120. I freaking LIVE in St. Joseph and his city has been nothing but suffering for me. Worst. Saint. Ever.

  121. I hope you feel better soon. Still, even in the midst of depression, you can make others laugh.

    Many years ago, I buried a St.Joseph in my yard to encourage a quick sale. We did get a quick offer, but prices in my area dropped drastically right before the offer. So maybe St. Joseph only works well if you are actually Catholic? Or maybe it’s in the fine print – quick, not good, offer pending.

  123. This morning I woke up incredibly anxious. Was sitting thinking about how horrible it is to be to anxious to go to work, but also too anxious to call in sick. I feel better knowing its the planets, and not just me.

  124. Just got home from a trip to the drug store (which is unfortunately named because they sell so many things other than drugs. pillowpets? US Magazine?) and I spent the entire time wishing for some random car to hit mine so I could legitimately stay in bed for a while. I live in a home where depression is just another word for wussy weakness. Needless to say, I’m hoping for the whole pore cleansing thing. There’s got to be a bright side, right?

    Congratulations on the home sale. Leave the cat.

  125. I have been there in the depression pit so I am really glad you are feeling better! I’m happy that you sold your house, too!

    I actually have a funny story about the St. Joseph statue thing. I am from Texas too, and the first I’d heard of it was when I moved to the Northeast, where a lot of Catholics live. I think I just heard of it in vague terms, though, because I clearly did not understand it, as I found out later. My father-in-law (from up here) said something about “burying a St. Joseph statue,” and I replied (mostly guessing, apparently based on having lived in the South, where I must have been exposed more to voodoo than normal Catholicism) “Oh, is that where you bury a statue of St. Joseph in someone else’s yard to get them to move?” Luckily my father-in-law laughed and thought it was funny (if bizarre) and corrected me. Oops, my mistake. I do wonder if it would work, though…

  126. In all honesty I think every one knows Hell is going to be a crazy fun party compared to Heaven. Who goes to heaven? Boring people… who goes to hell? Rock Stars, badasses and you and me alike. Don’t worry I heard in hell that they have unlimited ice cream to help cure all the heat stroke from the deadly fires of what ever there purpose is… I am clearly not religious. Also, Victor is trying to lie to the people buying your house.. be careful or you will get bitchslapped with a lawsuit and that would suck. Good luck with the current little puddle of depression though, I know exactly how you feel and that it might seem like you are not able to get out of it but you will as always because you know Depression LIES! This doesn’t make any sense so I will stop now. BYE!

  127. I was thinking I was in some sort of Bloggess-blackhole, which only makes the weird Saturn/Jupiter depression thing about 1000x worse.
    Yes… you’re not alone. This depression thing is a sonofabitch! But I’m glad you sold the house, even if it came at a huge cost – it’s one less thing.
    You are loved! Never ever forget it!

  128. I ordered a copy of your book from Amazon and it arrived about an hour ago … so looking forward to reading it. Sounds like you’ve hit a rough patch, but you’ll bounce back! You’re an amazing, wonderful, funny, beautiful woman and I look forward to reading more from you when you are ready. Until then, drink some wine, eat some chocolate, and breathe … mostly importantly, BREATHE. You are never alone ;o)

  129. I’m getting my Fall Sads early this year. Usually I don’t get hit this bad until October, so hopefully it’ll pass quickly and I’ll be ok by then…if not, this is looking to be the longest fall of all time, ever.

    When we moved from the house I grew up in, there were 6 dogs, 11 cats, 2 pigeons, 7 or 8 rabbits, a turkey, a turtle, and a mouse buried in the backyard. I was a sentimental kid and had to bury everything. By the time I was 11 my dad got tired of digging pet graves so I had to do it myself and then they weren’t very deep and the dogs would dig them up. It was traumatic.

  130. I feel you on the wave! I’m suffering under one right now and it does help to know I’m not alone. May the tide go out (or whatever the appropriate maritime saying would be to continue this wave metaphor thingy) on both of us soon!

    And, for the record, I’d be totally stoked to find a tiny man buried upside down in my yard. The half a cat? Not so much.

  131. I needed this laugh so badly today. Uranus just too obvious. Perfect because i dealt with so many assholes today.

  132. Be well. It was sweet what you said about depression passing in phases–like the ebb and flow of the ocean. 🙂

    Oh, and I love the buried man joke. Go add a grave stone once the 30-day buyer’s remorse period is over and write “Gotcha Bitches” on it.

  133. I just found your blog and you should know that you have helped me keep my sanity while trying to get through the first weeks of having a new baby, you are awesome please, please, please keep doing what your doing!!
    ps- hope you feel better soon!

  134. I totally buried a St. Joseph upside down and sold the house the same week, but then couldn’t find him to un-bury after the sale. When I went to sell my next house, I totally didn’t sell it. The St. Joseph is still there, too. I’m a horrible Catholic, but congrats on your sale.

  135. It’s awesome to *see* you! So glad you’re mostly alive and slightly well……it’s better than the alternative!

  138. I’d love to have someone honest about a cat buried in my yard! Saves me having to wonder who’s sleeping under the ground. You know there’s always something buried in the ground.

    Glad you’re feeling a little better and congrats on selling the house!

  139. I’m imagining a half ghost kitty running around the back yard on two legs. Which is awkward, because they have to be the two front legs if you want to have the head involved and still just have half a cat. But it would be too hard to balance on two front legs, especially if the cat just has this big head and two little legs and no back or tail. That’s freaky.

    Damn it, Jenny, you’ve got me stuck and I will probably be here all day.

  140. “I’m still alive and well. Mostly alive and slightly well.”

    I would so love to be in this position. Maybe in another month or two.

    “I blame Saturn. Or Jupiter. Whichever one is being an asshole. Uranus seems too obvious. “

    I blame Pluto, it’s probably being ass-holey on account of being demoted. Also, why is it Uranus? The damn thing belongs to the entire solar system – it really should be renamed to Ouranus, dontcha think?

    Cheers*
    ~EdT.

    *Which seems like such an odd thing to say, but what the hell…

  142. See, there’s the problem right there. “Bury cat in backyard to keep from selling your house.” Says it right in the Book of Mormon. Because those dudes know their house-selling shit.

  145. I totally feel you on the depression part, I go through it a lot. Right now I’m going through things I don’t even feel comfortable talking about, not even on my blog, that is suppose to be an open book. I’m being pushed to the edge here. Keep your head up? I know that’s like the worst thing to hear….Um…pull yourself up by your bootstraps? No…that’s even worse. Get over it? Um no, I think that’s the worst thing.

    I know it sucks now, and like you said, we’re not alone. It will get better. I hope.

  146. *New owners, upon moving in and finding the note.*

    “OH MY GOD THERE’S A DEAD CAT IN OUR YARD!”
    “Relax honey, it’s only half a cat.”
    “Oh, that’s totally cool then. Nevermind.”

  147. Hey, Jenny, you are so not alone, either in your depression or in having questionable things buried in your yard. I’d like to start my relatable anecdote with, “When I was a kid,” but instead it will have to be with: when I was a morose 20-something still living in my parents’ garage and we moved houses, my mother insisted on digging up the still decomposing head of the deer she had buried (future sketching material/table decoration) and moving it with us to the new home (an acquaintance/hunter had given it to us…the buck’s rack was apparently not very impressive, although as an entire head, tongue sticking out, it DID make quite the impression upon my then elementary-aged kid sister when we took it out of the garbage bag it was packed in. She ran screaming from the room. Today, she is a clinical psychologist specializing in PTSD. I don’t know why.)

    Anyway, thanks again for another great post, and hang in there. You’re the best!

  148. First my name was much cooler when I was “Sheli Kelly’ but I’m sure the new hubby wouldn’t have appreciated my keeping the name just cuz it was “cool”. My E-mail was cooler too but whatever. Glad this popped up on my FB today. I JUST had a kidney removed due to cancer and I think it’s thrown me into a depressive funk.
    I needed the reminder that one of my favorite bloggers suffers this and isn’t afraid to share. You have helped me.
    Thank you for being you!

  149. I really like you a lot, Jenny, but your other blog commenters are pretty freaking cool, too. Wish there was a Lawsbians Meetup around here.

  150. We entombed a live rat in our staircase when we were putting in a new floor. I tried to entice him out with apples and cheese, but he wouldn’t come out. I even put on leather gloves and tried to pull him out. His tail came off in my hand. So then the fellas showed up to finish the floor. I had on pajamas, was wearing black leather gloves, and holding a rat tail. Alas, the rat’s fate was sealed……(get it? sealed?)

    For 2 nights I listened to him scratch, and then it grew silent. I can tell you that decomposition happens very quickly after death. He smelled so terrible that we ended up pulling out some molding and further entombing him in plumbing foam.

    I wondered if we should disclose this when selling the house. We decided not to. I like to think years from now he will be found, and all will wonder how a rat was sealed up in plumbing foam.

    p.s. I also suffer from depression, and have since the birth of my first child 17 years ago. It comes and goes, and right now is an okay time. Just okay, but better than it was a year ago. Hang on, sister.

  152. You’re supposed to dig St. Joseph back up and display him in a place of honor after you sell the house. I refused to leave my old house until my then husband dug St. Joseph back up. He tore the yard to shreds because I did not mark the area where I buried him and couldn’t remember the exact spot.

  153. You were definitely going to hell long before this, so things are looking up.

  154. I get you on the depression front. Sometimes I just can’t get anything done other than sitting around and hating myself. I’ve been in the middle of one of those phases lately, but today was a pretty good day. I went for a walk and gardened and did laundry. HOOAH! I do hope you feel better soon, and YAAAY on selling the house!

  155. I feel your pain. It took us 5 years to sell our house, and it just happened a few months ago. THEN, because it was a short sale, the mortgage company is screwing us and not letting us refinance our current house, even though they told us previously that it wouldn’t be a problem. Real estate hell is what it is. But we never buried anything in the yard. Maybe that was my problem.

  156. Well, I was going to say Saturn but after the eternity it took me to hunt up your birthday … and I saw this, I have to say it’s Pluto conjunct your Sun and Uranus squaring your Sun. They make Pluto – Sun sound like a cake walk; it’s anything but (Google ‘transiting Pluto conjunct Sun’ and you’ll find out why it will never be a dwarf planet no matter what scientists say)! http://astro.cafeastrology.com/cgi-bin/astro/compdf?d1day=29&d1month=12&d1year=1973 Congratulations on selling Houston house … it’s one thing you can let go of;-)

  158. You are so awesome and thank you for sharing your downs and ups. We’re not alone. We just feel like it.

  159. Jenny, I love you and all that you do. Your bravery, your whistling in the dark, gets me through some of my bad days. I know how hard it can be sometimes when people are all “You’re so brave” because I sure as fuck don’t feel brave most of the time when I’m hearing that. Tough shit, though. You’re gonna have to keep hearing it, because it’s true.

    And this doesn’t mean that you have anything that you have to live up to or anything. It’s not adding pressure. It just means that I love you. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way, either.

    There must be some real estate juju going on these days because we just closed on our new house today (after weeks of delay on the construction) and I know 2 other people who were buying and/or selling this week as well.

    Now, I need to get back to packing. Unless there are some really awesome Lawsbians in Nashville who want to come help me.

  160. Why is it that humor and reality-law-requirements so rarely exist in the same place? It seems that they should co-exist so incredibly peacefully. Like “yes, we have a ghost that haunts this home, but as long as you prefer blue, she’s pretty cool” … really … how is that NOT a selling point?? I mean, good luck on your sale and all, but you should send the buyer a 20% bill for “good vibes left by taxidermied friends. just sayin.

  161. I thought it was just me. I feel slightly better knowing you’re suffering too. That makes me an asshole. Thanks, Jenny. Now I’m MORE depressed.

    Anyhoo…someone told us to bury St Joseph and we didn’t do it. Mostly cause we’re lazy. It took us like a week to sell our house, and even with the runaround from the buyer’s lenders it was quicker than what you ended up with. Did you know some faiths believe that the spirit leaves from a body’s head after death? That’s why in some war (forgot which one) Revolutionary, I think. They buried the enemies upside down.

    I’m thinking St Joseph was pissed off at the symbolism.

    That makes you an asshole too.

    Cheers.

  165. Hiya Miss Jenny. I wish I’d known you were coming to town. I know a creepy little shop where you coulda gotten a sib for Juanita and the other members of your happy troupe. Glad you’re finally feeling better.

  166. You are fucking awesome, able to make people smile even while you are down…thanks. I hope you feel all the way well sometime soon

  167. I am going through a bad depression fueled by two cancer diagnoses in the family, kid issue with toe walking, wetting accidents and “ADHD” that is causing her to go through neurological testing. I can’t seem to get organized, making a meal makes me want to throw up from the anxiety of thinking about making sure all the however many fucking food groups I’m supposed to put on the kids plates get on there lest my husband be disappointed in my incompetence (my words, not his). My inner critic is an asshole and has succeeded in getting me to not write, to not do anything creative or even finish my degree. The anxiety is causing me to not want to be home alone with the kids (one of them is two, do you blame me?) so I am basically keeping my husband prisoner when he is not working. I think he thinks I don’t want him to go out and have fun or have a life but that’s not it, I just don’t want the kids alone when I go running up my street naked covered in butter. Why don’t these guys get it?????

  169. You are too funny!!! Thanks for explaining that I’m not alone & going out of my f’ing mind this week! You always make me smile & I needed that! Sooooo….thank you so much my friend :))
    Knock, knock mo fo!

  171. Dear Ms. The Bloggess,

    I too have the depression and it sometimes gets the best of me, even after a wonderful year of asking for help, progress, the wonders of medicine and therapy and not pretending to just be ok for everyone else’s sake anymore. It still is a struggle daily.

    For some reason I thought you might want to rant, laugh, cry, and make insanely astute commentary on the bizare new media treat we have been blessed with by Bic- it is infact “pens for her” FOR HER! It boggles the imagination, but I thought you of all people could respond to Bic for the sake of womenkind who use pens or don’t use pens or go both ways with pen usage, and quite frankly I was hoping you would do it with an amount of profanities outnumbering the stars. Here is a linky to get you started:

    http://www.happyplace.com/17666/consumers-write-smart-ass-reviews-for-sexist-bic-pens

    much love, infact, all my love,
    Lady with the Unicorn Britches

  172. I went to this post and at the same hit ‘play’ on Cat Power’s new album. As I was reading, her song “Cherokee” comes on and the lyrics go “if I die before my time, bury me upside down…” and they played right as I read about your saint being buried upside down. So. That’s weird.

  173. Man last home we tried and failed to sell, we did rose petals in the tub, scented candles, spa music, cookies…I will now just bury a saint, cheaper and easier. At least it is just a saint…..my mom’s home had a septic tank that she filled with a mattress and yarn, then covered in a brick patio that is concave as ut sinks towards the pit of doom….

  175. I buried St. Joe upside down in my garden in NJ when we were trying to move back to Toronto. It took us 6 mos and I had a 2 yr old and a 3 1/2 yr old. The dead guy did Jack Shit for us…..I figured it was b/c we were impersonating Catholics…..so I dug him up in the middle of the night and popped him into our odd but harmless neighbours Virgin Mary tree grotto and said nothing. The house sold soon after. I often wonder if St Joe is still shacked up with Mary in the tree! I think half a dead cat = having to cut a big cheque. Feel better soon!

  176. “Sorta well” Now that pretty much sums up EVERY facet of my life right now. So from now on this is going to be my go to answer when someone asks me how I’m doing.

  177. Right now is AWFUL for me. Thinking the Bad Thoughts and having to drive them out with baking and mischief and bourbon milkshakes. Stupid Saturneptunanus.

  178. I’ve been battling depression for most of my life. I’ve tried numerous drugs without much success. Basicly, nothing has ever made me feel “right” at best I’m just able to fake it better. I work 8 hours every day talking to customers and interacting with co-workers. By the time I get home in the evening I just don’t have the energy to put up a brave face anymore. My kids try to give me a wide berh and my Wife is getting very frustrated. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think that they’d be etter off without me. Everyone says that depression will get better, but what if it never does?

  179. As someone who regularly processes real estate closings, I must tell you that I would LOVE it if one of our clients said they’d buried someone in the yard. At least we’d have something cool to discuss for the next few hours. The best one lately was the guy who holed up in his house naked with garbage bags of pot, a cross bow and a shot gun after his boat got repossessed. That guy was fun too.

  180. I am glad you sold your house! I can imagine paying 2 mortgages is enough to freak anyone out. I have been to your blog several times and you are awesome and hilariously funny. Having a sense of humor when you depressed or melancholy is really a GREAT thing! As for the man being buried in the yard…I bet your husband did think you were insane! Funny!

  181. Jenny I have missed your posts so much. Thank you for reaching out – it’s crazy, I was feeling a little blog starved so I was re-reading old posts and I just read the one about the guy buried in the back yard 🙂 I didn’t realize you were still trying to sell that house – congrats on getting out from under that dark cloud. I see a lot of sunshine in your future.

  182. So…is it possible the front yard of your old house is now a Saint Semetary (like Pet Semetary, only for small saintly statues)? In which case, could that saint wander about the property at night and sneak in through the pet door? Maybe not, since he’s upside down.

    Do you even have pet doors in Texas, or is that too dangerous with snakes? We don’t in MN…it’s too goddamned cold 70% of the year, and the rest of the time is mosquito central.

    Congrats on getting rid of something weighing you guys down…even if you did have to pay to dump it. Jesus, it’s like your Houston house was a bad drug addict ex. Not that I know anything about that…I’m shutting up now.

  183. Congrats on the sale, but I think you and Victor could have played it a little differently. I think you should have told them you weren’t charging them extra for the all the high grade fertilizer you had already put in the yard over the years and left it at that. They you would have told them for your purposes but not have told them for Victor’s – a win-win.

    A little supporting evidence:
    http://ca.answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20120502192036AAlX8Fi
    http://www.wired.com/wiredscience/2008/12/hairmats/

    i know, it’s just about people, but I suspect it’s true about cats as well.

  184. Something is atilt somewhere. I’ve felt it all day. Depressed you may be, but you crack me up!

  185. Hooray for selling a house in this market! Boo for humorless house selling ppl ( I can’t spell the real word for their name and autocorrect is no help)! About the depression it always sneeks up on my like it has done recently. I thought I was just sick, nope I was just having a great time then I was depressed so that’s what I’m dealing with. But since the Fall semester has started and student loans are a great motivator to get my ass out of bed I hope I’ll start to see the light I know I have great professors (I picked them specifically because I knew they where all amazing ladies). So I looking forward to the light at the end. Hopefully you’ll find yours to!

  186. I WONDERED why I was both depressed and anxious lately. I just thought the meds weren’t working as well as they had been! it is nice to know I’m not alone in the dark.

  187. I think this one’s realty-based because I’m closing on the purchase of my first house and everyone’s all, “AREN’T YOU EXCITED!?!” and I’m all, “No, I’d rather be curled up in a corner staring at the wall.”

  189. So now you can work on selling my house? Maybe you should send me the buried guy and I will try it to test this theory 😉

  190. Missed you. How do manage to be funny even when you are depressed… inspiring!!
    🙂
    PS I have a frolicing calf at my place. Guaranteed to make you smile!

  192. Half a cat? Victor doesn’t know what he’s talking about, honesty is always the best policy. Unless of course your yard has half a dead cat in it

  193. I’m currently looking for work and even praying to St. Jude (Patron Saint of Lost Causes) hasn’t worked so far. I’m trying to not be depressed about it and keep thinking every time I don’t get hired I try to tell myself that it just means I have one less competitor with a similar skillset.

    Also, Anonymous (comment #75)… even if the cat makes it until Monday, what then? Will it end up in a shelter after that? Which is to say, please don’t leave. I know how tempting it is to leave, but please don’t.

  194. Sorry for being boring and mundane, but I HOPE you feel better, very, very soon. Being depressed must suck terribly and I wish I could help you in any way. Just know that you are loved and admired whether your are being funny or blue or collecting random, dead shit or sharing a story about your beautiful daughter. IT WILL GET BETTER, IF YOU WANT TO WRITE ME PRIVATELY, FEEL FREE TO DO SO. YOUR FRIEND, LAURIE F. (lauriefessler@yahoo.com) Hugs. Hibernationnow.wordpress.com

  195. It is obvious you are working too hard! A book tour PLUS closing on a house sale = certifiable insanity!!! Take care of yourself, precious pumpkin – you enlighten sooooo many people.

  196. St. Joe totally came through for us and he’s sitting on our mantle in our new house. Of course, he plays his part in the Nativity set-up on Christmas but he is 6 inches shorter than the rest of the set and Baby Jesus could use him as a rag doll. So, then again, maybe that’s NOT how to treat an inanimate object that brought you good luck. I so suck. On a different note, hope you continue to get well. Depression sucks even if it is good for your complexion.

  198. My parents buried the back of an upright piano in the backyard of our house in Florida because they did not want to move it one more time. I have always wondered if anyone found it and what they thought if they did.

  199. OMG we buried that guy in front of our house too…..3 years later and we are still paying 2 mortgages. I think i need to bury more people in my yard….

  200. As a Realtor this all cracks me up. I thought I had heard and seen it all, but this is too funny. Love it

  201. I wonder why Saint Joseph is supposed to help you sell a house faster? Isn’t he like the saint of stepfathers or hospitals or something? (Lapsed Catholic–love the ritual, not so much the dogma, and remember nothing of Sunday school. Including whether I was even required to attend.)

    I put much of my faith in Saint Claire, who is the patron saint of television. True story.

    Good to have you back. I missed you.

  202. bless you in your healing and travels. You’re wonderful. Peace to you. I am with you on the ups-n-downs, I get it.

    We did the St Joseph guy too, but he’s out in the yard, I couldn’t leave him. I did leave the dead pets… : -)

    hearts from a fellow texan.

  203. I suffered from this over-exhausted-uranus induced depression thingy too… not fun. So I sold the business that was causing it (sadly I couldn’t sell the children) and went on a spiritual pilgrimage to Mt. Shasta… Nothing like 4 days of dancing naked around a camp-fire in the woods with some old crones beating drums to appease Uranus, let me tell you.

  205. You are amazing ans hilarious and I’m sorry you’re feeling kinda shitty right now but I know you know: this, too, shall pass. Stick with it. We know how you feel and we’re here with you. Or there with you. Whichever.

    Also, you should probably stop burying things at other people’s houses. I mean, I know it was your house when you burried it, but it seems like a lot of work to have to go around digging up all the stuff you burried once you sell you house to someone else who will now own your house as well as all the things burried in your/their yard.

    Actually, now that I’ve thought it through, you should totally bury things at other people’s houses. Then you won’t ever have to worry about it because you don’t live there, and you don’t have to feel guilty about not digging it up later.

  206. Just hang in there and let Juanita deal with all the crap floating around – she’s good at it. Especially now she has the cute new off-sider to help. Love your work!

  207. Sounds like my ex, who after closing on the house but not getting what she thought was a fair price, left a note saying “I have pleasured myself in every room of this house, the attic and in the crawl space under the stairs. Deal with it.” THe note was left next to a photo of Divine.

  209. Someone stole our St. Joseph. Maybe because they knew we aren’t Catholic. Then again, maybe he experienced the Ascension because our house sold quickly and he just disappeared.

  210. I totally think that you’re supposed to dig it back up based on your previous post regarding the upside down saint…just sayin

  212. I also tried the burying St Joseph in the ground trick. Unfortunately, I snapped his head off in the process. Buried him anyway. We still own that house. However, to my knowledge, no one has lost their head there. Yet.

  214. Depression bites and only those who have experienced it understand how badly. I hope the dark cloud passes soon.

    And btw, I buried St. Joseph in the front yard of our Seattle house in 2008 and he failed me big-time. I’ve been there girl.

  216. Haven’t had time to keep up with your blog because I’ve been too busy. Was so busy I didnt even have time to be depressed… Until today. Spent most of the day in tears, though still altogether too busy. When I finally got home for the night, had myself another cry that I didnt know when I would be able to stop crying. The answer, of course, was ‘when you get out of the bed and walk two feet to read The Bloggess’.

    So thanks. Thanks for always being here when I’m depressed. You rock.

  218. Well, you’ve publicly disclosed it, and disclosed it prior to sale, so no one can sue you for it! Yay! (says a lawyer) You’ve done the “right” thing 🙂

  220. Congrats on selling your house with or without the statue….. I hate to think of what’s in the backyard of my childhood home, rabbits, dogs, cats, to many goldfish to count (till I started flushing them down the toilet while declaring “Return to the Sea”.. and yes this was LONG before Finding Nemo)…

    I live in a rental now, who knows what’s buried in my backyard. Want to come dig with me?

  221. I am with Emily (211 cooments up) on the depression thing. I was in bed for 9 months and the only thing I gave birth to was a nervous breakdown. I understand too. Sending hugs and cyber ice cream.

  223. Love your blog and the book. Some info to pass along – my sister in law has suffered depression since a teenager and has had huge success overcoming it with neurotherapy – she goes to a Dr. Swingle (not Swindle, really) in Vancouver, BC who does some non-invasive and non-drug stuff to train brainwaves. No meds anymore and can actually get up before noon on the weekend and can cope with stuff that used to send her over the edge. He also does a lot of work with autistic kids and athletes. Apparently the waiting room has an interesting mix of patients 🙂

  224. New here. 🙂

    It is good to know that all this depression crap will blow over. My god I have been miserable! My family can’t stand to be around me because all I do is cry and sleep. Today I didn’t even bother getting dressed. I just used the excuse that I have a cold for schlumping around all day in a P.J. shirt stained with chocolate sauce.
    Seriously, it is nice to know that I am not alone even though I would not wish this depression on anyone.

    I am glad your house sold. 🙂

  225. 987 days!?! I think you showed remarkable restraint in not burying the REALTOR upside down in the back yard.

  226. My husband thinks I’m crazy for reading your blog (and relaying your stories-poorly-to him regularly) but nearly every time I read a post, I want to say out loud “I love you!!” (to you… Not my husband, although I DO love him too. Our lives are just not as fun as yours!!)

    But I figured, enough was enough, and although you were showered with live on your book tour, and you probably don’t care about hearing it again… “I LOVE YOU!!” lol 🙂

    So glad you’re crazy. The world is brighter due to your willingness to share your darkness. Or something like that 😀

  227. I tried the St. Joe thing to sell my house, too. I think that he is the saint of people who want to get a great deal on buying a home. Because that works.

  230. I would be depressed too if I had two mortgages for 987 days. Now that your house is sold and you have confessed to the man and half dead cat buried in the yard you will feel better.

  231. Thank you for posting on my birthday 🙂 And I’m blaming the whole depression thing on the blue moon friday night. after that, life will be swell again.

  232. If you could have buried Jesus in your yard, the house might have sold in no time flat.

    Of course, he probably would have resurrected the cat for good measure.

  233. My mom is depressed right now (called me today :-(…..) and she is very Catholic. Hopefully sending this post to her will cheer her up. Although she’s never really been a cat person, she tries to feed them milk and they barf everywhere…..

  234. Thank you. I have been reading you for a little while, and I read your book (awesomesauce btw), but I never comment on blogs. a million voices in the universe why add to the chorus blah blah, but thank you. This month (especially the past 2 weeks) has sucked. just plain sucked. my in-laws always say “it’s because Mercury is in retrograde (it’s Mercury btw-fucker always seems to be in retrograde) when it gets like this, and I always think, “fuck you. life is just shitty sometimes and you deal with it. i don’t need the stink of patchouli and denial to pass the buck to” but it’s always nice to know that it seems to be universally shitty and not just you. Our house has been on the market going on 2 (3?) years now and we’re going to lose a chunk of change too. things just suck sometimes. when my parents were my age they seemed so much more ahead of the game than this…..Anyway, I find singing conversations to my toddler in a disco beegees voice until he can’t stop laughing helps. “Oh baby if you don’t stop kicking me in the face, while I change you diaper there’s gonna be trouble in this plaaaccce. Oh baby I (ay ay ay )………” Anyhoo-no great life message-just thanks for also having a shitty month i suppose because maybe it is universal and not just a horrific pattern that will never fucking end. Also fuck you mercury, what’s you’re problem?

  236. IM sorry about you not feeling well. My depression has hit a pretty deep low lately. I wish that it was as good to my pores. Thank you for writing these posts. They have never failed to give me smiles even on the hardest days. Wish you well.

  237. Glad you’re feeling slightly well and I’m sending you positive vibes in hopes you’ll be 100% soon!

  238. Sorry you are feeling so crappy. I’m neck deep in it as well. I hope it gets better for you soon.

  240. Depression is terrible for my pores. I know when I’m about to start a depressive cycle because my face starts breaking out.

    Congrats on the sale, and I hope you get some good “up” time soon.

  241. We had to put St Joseph in a jar of dirt under the kitchen sink as it was an apartment and that was the front left of it, but it work, currently he’s hanging out in his jar in our basement :p

  243. I think the buried Saint should have increased the value of the property. How many people have buried Saints on their land? Really? Let’s be honest here.

  244. Are all your posts this hilarious? The husband often ends up shaking his head at the things I say too. I agree that it’s more important to be completely accurate. Although I don’t know that saying you had “a guy” buried in the back yard is the most accurate. But perhaps the new owners will crack up laughing like I’m sure all your readers did.

  245. Victor is right: honesty is not the best policy, if you buried a half dead cat. You clearly must have stolen it from Prof. Schrödinger. The buyers might tell him.

  247. Actually, Uranus is in retrograde through December, so you can totally blame everything on Uranus until then… Especially any technological mishaps. Slow Inter net connection, broken phone, cracked compute screen, car motherboard problems – it’s all Uranus. I’m sure depression can fit in there somewhere. Hang in there!

  248. My depression has always been more or less in check with medicine, which leaves me relatively sane and perhaps a couple tons heavier.

    So this St Joseph … I was sure it was a Blogess thing, but no – apparently everyone’s doing it. We went right to the Big Guy when we wanted to sell our house and bypassed the statues. Then again, we didn’t have a cat to off-load.

  249. Don’t worry, honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. The person who bought my (stolen then returned to me) car fully knew that a homeless man slept in it for a month and left a figurative blanket of Slim Jim wrappers covering the upholstery. Also a lot of semen. Sometimes full disclosure is the only way to go.

  250. I’m currently off work with depression. Thanks to help from my doctor I’m starting to feel a little better. It’s kind of nice to know that others understand it. I’m sending lots of hugs your way Jenny.

    As for the dead guy in the yard and half a cat? I wish I had something as exciting as that to put in my blog!!

  251. Yeah, I’m with poor Victor on this one. I thought you buried half a cat. But on the upside, that didn’t seem odd for you so it didn’t phase me at all…

  252. Thank you for the heads up on the burried St. Joseph statue not working. I was thinking about trying it too. You saved me $19.95 plus shipping ang handling–plus another round of aggrivation with the Catholic church.
    xxo

  253. OMG this made me remember that my husband and I buried St. Joseph in our front yard when we were trying to sell our house…5 years ago, maybe? We moved out in January and are renting it out now….I wonder if we should tell the renters about the guy buried in the front yard?

  254. Not Catholic either but buried the statue in a fit of home selling desperation. The saint must be working over-time these days, because it took about that long for us to sell too.

    Victor is RIGHT!

  255. yay on the sale of the house-with-man-saint-buried-in-front-yard. from a sometimes-catholic this is priceless. i love saints, but i’m always screwing up on who they are and what they do. which is why i probably can never find lost shit.

  256. I’ve never heard of a house that sold within a year if they’d buried St. Joe in the yard– mine included. I think one of two things has occurred 1) the Catholic Church lied to us about this particular saint’s abilities, or 2) St. Joe is tired of being freaking buried upside down in the front yard and has brought curses down upon all of us.

  257. lol as long as your house isn’t on top of some kinda indian burila ground circa the Amityville house, you’re probably fine.

  259. My boyfriend has been, until now, unaware of the wonder that is your writing. I just read this to him. He was laughing the whole way through, and then got really quiet. I said, “its kinda like living with me, isn’t it?”
    “Yeah, ” he said. “I mean, no. Its EXACTLY like living with you.”

  260. I hope you can feel the love from all of us in wishing you happy feelings soon! Your blog is always a joy to read…even when you aren’t feeling up to it. You make me smile and give me hope. I wish I was as witty as most of your posters, but just wanted you to know a regular person from Southern California visits your blog every day to see how you are and what you have to say. Thanks for being YOU!

  261. I am SO relieved to be able to blame one of the planets for my depression of late. In my case I have also been experiencing coccydynia and had an x-ray this very morning so I believe it actual is the fault of Uranus.

  262. Depression sucks. I know. I’ve lived with it for 40 years. I blame it on puberty. If I could have just remained a child, cared and loved by my mother, everything would have been great. No wait – things are great and my mother still loves me even though I’m a 54 year old woman.

    But things do suck sometimes and this too shall pass. Sleep, hugs and looking at yourself in the mirror repeating the Stuart Smalley affirmations helps too (at least it makes me laugh which is always a good way to start a day).

    And duh, Uranus IS the asshole planet.

  263. Victor probably does have a point in this case, but a family with a dog might appreciate the accuracy. It’s a lot less traumatic when your dog drags a half-decomposed cat into the house if you’re already expecting it.

  264. Jenny – I was so happy to see a post today! After dealing with my own depression and trying to help my best friend deal with her anxiety I know how important the time and space is to get things figured out. You and I don’t know each other, but this stranger wants you to know that you’re supported and wished nothing but the best. Keep fighting the demons and doing what you need to do to make yourself better. And thank you (for the bizillionth time) for sharing what so many of us haven’t been able to. Love and support from Chicago!

  265. You left your cat? I made my dad dig the dog up when we moved. It was dead….he didn’t bury a live dog, because that would be weirder than digging up a dead one, right?

  266. The first time I heard about the Saint Burying thing from a neighbor I thought that they, and all Catholics, were a little nutty. I mean, srsly? Burying a statue? There was a nunnery a town over though that made em by the bushel, raking in loads of cash I’m sure from everyone in the area trying to sell their house.

  267. Hmm, so I can blame the stars and planets for being in a complete FUNK lately. Good to know. I don’t think my parents informed the people who bought our house about the pet cemetery in the backyard; I guess it’ll just be a nice surprise if they start digging. RIP Firecloud! (yeah, what a badass name for a rabbit. he was albino.)

  268. I’ve never told anyone I’ve sold a house to where I’ve buried our pets. Just in case they get freaked out, but I think of it that I’m giving them the gift of nourishment for their property and little cat, dog, fish, bird, or frog angels to watch over them.

  269. Mistake # 1 – reading your blog while I’m supposed to be paying attention to a conference call at work.

    Mistake # 2 – not going on mute before starting to read the blog, and then bursting out laughing at the worst possible moment.

    “Depression is great for your pores.” That explains why everyone thinks I’m so much younger than I really am! Still doesn’t make me happy. But knowing I’m not alone makes me feel less lonely.

    I read your book and laughed so hard I was cying (in a good way for a change). Thank you!!!! <3

  271. I have been under so much stress that today I am hiding with the internet praying that this life thing gets easier. Somehow I don’t think it will. Oh well.

  272. Selling in this market blows. My place has been up for over 100 days so I guess I’m okay since your was up over 900. I too will blame Jupiter….Dude that Jupiter is such a dick, lol.

  273. Anonymous 75: I saw you left your comment yesterday – I hope you are still with us and feeling at least a little better. You are not alone – please email me (dulaneyw@gmail.com) if you want to talk. While my depression is currently manageable, I recently lost my mom who was my main argument against suicide (she’d have been devastated) so I’ve got the situational depression as well as the brain imbalance going.
    Always remember: Jenny says ‘Depression is a lying bastard!’ . It sucks to realize that your emotions are not under your control but feeling it doesn’t make it true.
    Love and hugs, Laney

  274. Thanks for the words of encouragement. I found out yesterday that I am perimenopausal. Which actually makes my anxiety worse rather than better. Ugh. Maybe I should bury someone in the yard. Who is the patron saint of menopause?

  275. Your house selling trauma reminds me of why I’m never ever ever moving. I’m going to get really old in my house, and then I’m going to die there. Then, I’m going to be buried in the cemetery down the street, because that will give me a very short commute when I come back to haunt my house. If I ever have children they are just going to have to get over the fact that they’ll all be stuffed into the same bedroom, because I have posthumous PLANS, okay?

  276. This post took me on a wonderful adventure through your older stuff that I’ve missed. Thanks for that. Congrats on the house, finally.
    Also, though I am not pleased there are a ton of people going through bullshit right now, it does help to hear that I’m not the only one. Hoping to pull through soon, along with everyone else. Thanks for the words. They have helped.

  277. Congrats on getting rid of your unwanted second mortgage! I’m sure once all the trauma from the giant check writing process wears off, you’ll just be basking in the glow of finally unloading that property. And I guess depression does have some up sides. I tend to lose my appetite when it’s particularly bad, so not getting fatter seems to be a perk. Sort of?

  279. I’m on month 5 of house selling, and am also contemplating getting someone to bury St. Joe for us (we’ve already moved away). Of course, now I’m crying at the thought of it taking almost 3 years to sell, so maybe we’ll skip the saint???
    Glad you’re feeling a bit better.

  280. I think I know why your house took so long to sell. Buried cats bring bad luck, unless you bury them a certain way. First, they need to be wearing sunglasses (so the bright fires of hell don’t hurt their night-vision eyes). Second, the tail needs to be tied in a pretzel – because the devil loves cat-tail pretzels. (This is common knowledge.) Note: if your cat has a stubby tail then you’re S.O.L. Finally, write a note asking for whatever good luck you seek and stick it in the cat’s mouth. This is so that the cat can ask the devil to grant your wish. If you had done this, your house would’ve sold in a matter of weeks. But at least now you know, for next time.

  281. When I sold real estate in Hawaii, St. Joseph had a 50-50 track record. Which actually beat the market, so I give him credit.

  283. Seriously- I hate that planet. It’s a jerk, and needs to keep on moving and get out. Whichever one it is.

    Thanks. It’s been a rough month, and while I wish you (and all the commenters) weren’t going through this, it’s nice to know that others are gritting their teeth and trying to push through as well.

  284. I already commented but I thought of something else, in spirit of the half burried saint to sell your house, you need something to help you feel better. I suggest a Freddie Mercury action figure because I have one and not only does it make me smile when I am feeling really depressed, when I am finally feeling better its still fun to look at. Highly reccomended.

  285. Dear Anonymous #75-

    I promise that your cat is not the only one in this world that needs you! Please stay with us. I clicked over to your blog after reading your post. You are a wonderful writer, don’t give in to the liar that is depression. Write about it instead, as you seem able to do so poetically. Again, please stay with us.

  286. Jenny, have I told you lately that I love you? You crack me up! I’m having a shitty day and just spent about 5 minutes laughing my fool head off. Thanks for the lift and I hope you feel better soon.

  287. I totally feel your pain on the house thing. Been there, brought the check, still pissed off at the bitch who bought my house and it’s been like 3 years since the sale. I dug up St. Joseph before I left though. And then I packed everything that wasn’t specified in the contract down to light bulbs in fixtures and that partial roll of toilet paper. I wish I could have packed up my neighbors too; they were awesome.

    It’ll get better. Truly it will.

  288. Hang on! It will get better. You know it will. I’m canadian, but I live in the prairies, so toronto was too far to go to see you, but I asked for your book for my birthday and spent a month doling it out to myself in tiny chunks to make it last! My husband would shake his head at me as I burst out laughing every 4 minutes, then interrupting his reading to read bits out loud to him. In the end he read it too, and did the same to me! You are a special person with a gift for words (and run-on sentences) and you need to publish another book and do a signing in Saskatchewan!

  289. Depression sucks sweaty balls. But leaving a dead person buried upside down in the yard for the new owners sounds like a blast. Especially if you haven’t left a note. Can you imagine them digging him up when they decide to put in trees/bushes/etc…the conversation that would start. Classic!

    And at least you didn’t put a headstone in the ground for the cat. I found a headstone in our yard for a dog back when I was 11, for months I was convinced that he was actually a tiny person and not a dog.

  291. After reading this, I told a friend of mine that is selling a house not to bury an upside down saint or a dead cat in the yard unless he’s prepared to bring a big check to settlement. He acted like this was useless information. Some people just don’t appreciate helpful advice.

  293. Dear Jenny; I want you to know you are a very strong person though you may not realize that. I also know that many people help their own depressions and mental problems with the use of laughter. When I read your words and the thoughts of your many friends, I smile. Because I know how all of you feel. Depression, PTSD and anxiety are, in no way, fun. In many ways, it is helpful to know that others are going through the same things that I am but I also want you all to know that I wish you didn’t have to experience this crappy thing. It requires an awful lot of strength and humor and support to survive it and all of that is not easy. My husband once asked if I liked being in the hospital. After thinking about it, I said yes. Because I did not have to pretend, others were there and gave much support and love and we all gave it back. It felt safe because nobody was threatening or requesting strengths we just did not have. We were accepted just as we were at that time and it helped a little to survive the storm. I don’t mean any of this to be even more depressing, I just wanted to say that I understand, I love all of you for your strengths and for sharing it for the rest of us. Thank you. I love you,too, Jenny.

  294. Depression makes my skin and my hair look freaking AMAZING. The only time it does what I want, and I am under two dogs and a slanket staring duly at a telly screen while thanking the Gods my boss is understanding.

    I am glad you finally got your house off your hands, and “boo” to bringing a large check. I really like the “no extra charge for either” portion of the note. It is a bonus! Like the inexplicable furniture our houses’ former owners left us. No extra charge, but enjoy the puzzlement when you discover it in a closet!!!!

    ~M~

  295. Now that the second mortgage is gone! Think of all the money available for taxidermied animules in strange, pseudo erotic poses!!

  296. Just read your book and am sorry that it is finished already – I hope one day I’ll find just the right thing to post to make one of your bad days a bit brighter.

  297. I’m impressed that you have determined the half-life of a cat.

    I’m also relieved that the Tiger and I have returned from a trip to Fort Worth (good food in the hotel, way too much walking at the zoo, cold bottles of Tiger’s favorite riesling, and unlimited porn really helped) to find that our cats have not disowned us, nor did they eat the friend we asked to come feed them while we were gone.

    I feel bad for St. Joseph, though. Poor bastard finds someone he wants enough to marry, only to find that she has an ex that she will forever compare him to, and whom he cannot simply punch in the face for getting her pregnant.

    Me, I’d have snapped my chain like that elephant in the Orwell story.

    On the other hand, we had Five Guys hamburgers & fries on our trip, so we have that going for us.

  298. Jenny,

    I want to thank you for sharing your struggles so openly again, it’s helped me a lot this week as I’ve been sick, listless, achy and blue- depressed- on a medical trip for my son. Just reading your words and also following some of the links on your Sunday wrap up made me feel better and less alone. Never hesitate to tell us the truth of what’s going on, it helps so many! No stigma. XOXO

    And here’s to you feeling 100% again immediately if not sooner!

  299. I think that well intentioned disclosure is okay. I wish my previous owners had given me a heads ip about what is buried in my yard.

  300. Does this mean that if I ever sell my house, I’ll have to tell the new owners that there are 2 gerbils, half a dozen mice, many birds, 3 moles, various pieces of rabbits, squirrels and a raccoon’s leg buried by the shed??! (2 adult and 10 fox pups eat a lot! Also, they’re very loud an obnoxious as they murder the local wildlife in my yard which is apparently a Killing Field.)

    And, hey, I’m Catholic and I’d bury St. Joseph in a second if I was trying to sell my house. It’s just what you do. But you’re supposed to bury him in hard dirt, not mulch. Supposedly, the dirt will eventually reject him and when he finally pops out, your house will sell. Maybe that’s why he didn’t work so well??

  302. I was depressed to the bowels of the earth last year. Then I got a new therapist, a new psychiatrist, more meds, more sleep and a new diagnosis- bipolar. And it’s not even the Mad Love kid of bipolar. Instead of lust for life mania, I get crabby, compulsive anxiety. I have to call ahead for my Xanax Rx now so the pharmacist can order enough.
    I missed your book signings in Seattle partly because I had a panic attack the size of Denver that kept me glued to the sofa. By the time my pills had kicked in to settle the agoraphobia, I was too loopy to drive. Thanks for writing about your struggles.
    The same week you were up here, I saw a porcupine smashed on the side of the road. I was going to have it stuffed for you, but I could not find quill-friendly clothing.

  306. Hi, I read your book and you are my new hero, behind my bestest best friend Jeannette Summers who is an activits trying to make our world a better place. So I wanted you to know and I am sure have heard a million if not a zillion times that you are the voice I hear in my head. Well not really, I hear my voice and others but the words are kind of the same which either means we are both crazy or I am just the crazy one writing you a crazy letter to which you will just flush with a tap of the delet button.
    Anyway what I am saying, is you think like I do and that is grand cause I thought I was the only one who looked at the world that way. Thanks. Maybe I will write a book, well I have written a book but not publish but maybe I will write one about my family, or maybe not.
    Thank you for showing me that even if I am not the best writer, I am a damn good storyteller, just not as good as you.
    Peace and blessing your way.
    Liz

  307. Hoping you are doing better soon. I wish I didn’t understand. You are admired and well-liked by a large community. Remember that.

  308. Let’s face it, lady: you have NOTHING to be depressed about these days! You have MILLIONS of fans, a best-seller on the shelves, a loving family and you’re HOT!
    Put the bottle down, and buck up! It could be worse, NOBODY’S buying my book, I serve cheap, ignorant bastards from all over the globe and I’ve self-published, so I’m COMPLETELY on my own. And yes, it sucks as bad as it sounds… So your life RULES, Bloggess!

  309. You should of told the buyers that they would be the proud owners of a new cat. Without all the hassles of feeding it.

  310. Jenny, you continually amaze me. I’ve battled clinical depression for more than half my life now, and I envy your ability to put words to it. I know the struggle, and I appreciate you being so open about it. When I see a bout coming, it’s nice to know I’m not alone. Know you are loved and your adoring fans are waiting when the whirlwind stops.

  313. Selling houses? Killing snakes? Over achiever! Take some time to rest why doncha?

  314. I want you to get two things checked out…because I am a mom and because I’ve been ‘there’… neurotransmitter levels in your brain and cortisol levels. Not through a regular doctor because they are stupid. A naturopath or neurogistics.com…I only give that website because they saved me. Might really be worth looking at. I want you to feel WELL. Often.

    Congrats on unloading the house, the saint and the half a dead cat 🙂

  315. Congrats! Are you staying in the area or renting now or what? I wish we could sell our house but I think we are the only people stupid enough to buy it, given all the work it needs. We also have a huge yard in which I made our husband bury our cat when it died. I keep wondering if I have to tell anyone if we sell the house. I thought no, but then I remembered that when the cat died I was 6 months pregnant, and even more emotional with hormones than I would have been, which would have been a lot because that cat was my favorite cat that I’d had since I was single, and therefore, being very sentimental, I think I put a NOTE IN WITH THE CAT. IN THE GRAVE. ON MY THEN-COMPANY LETTERHEAD. Which means they’ll know EXACTLY whose cat he was. Fuck. I guess if we ever do sell we’ll have to dig him up. Or maybe I’ll just build something over it. But then what if he comes back to haunt me? Are pet cemetaries considered hallowed ground? DAMMIT.

  317. yay for selling your house.
    We recently did some grading on our land and found pretty much a whole house under our yard(dishes. shoes, truck axles, toys, clothes, pans, etc.) Creepy but fun at the same time.

  318. You are so funny ! I think you should have a advice column it could be ask Jenny! I think it would be hilarious!

    Okay heres one , we are closing on a house today but the seller is now being a douche bag at the last minute as in not taking care of things he had agreed to ugh! It’s killing me!
    Your book made me laugh out load , I thought you deserved me to spell it rather than the generic LOL.
    Hope

  321. Congrats on selling your house!! I wish we had an excuse to move to Houston so we could have bought your house and then I could brag to all my friends who love you because we’re reading your book for book club and they’d be insanely jealous. Have I mentioned I’m sick? If this doesn’t make sense, blame the cold meds and/or the pain meds (depending on how crazy I sound right now) since I’m a klutz and sprained the wrist I had surgery on in June. BTW, I just introduced another friend to you because you are fucking awesome, Jenny!! 😀

  323. I’m no expert, but that doesn’t sound like an optimal sale. That said, Kudos to you for getting it sold in this economy! If I were them, I’d totally leave the saint and the cat buried. It’s luckier. Or something.

  324. I get the whole St. Joseph thing. He didn’t work for us either. I think this must be a great religious scam. Or, maybe he didn’t work for us because we aren’t Catholic, just like you. Unlike you, we didn’t own up to burying the guy beside the mailbox and several other places in the yard. Just imagine the looks on someone’s face when they discover them years from now!!

  325. Hmmmm, Saint Joseph worked for us — twice. But I did forget to dig him up from last time. Well, I hope he wont be mad when we have to move again. BTW, not Catholic. I had to go to the Catholic supply shop to get him and found it kind of bizarre that he was packaged up in a “sell your house” kit. I was hoping for something a little less commercial.

  326. Does it work if the Joseph you bury in the yard wasn’t exactly a saint? Just wondering, you know…

  327. Hilarious about the dead guy in the yard comment! Little did they know it was just St.Joseph! I relate to the depression. I know it sucks. I sure do wish I had been at the reading outside of that Costco. Those people were so lucky!

  328. Now I’m confused. Did Beyonce stay on at your old house that your sold or is she, um, he at your new house where you’re staying? You probably said one way or another in your book and I SWEAR I bought it and read it cover to cover but ever since then it’s been making the rounds from one relative’s hands to another. I probably should apologize for that, but we’re just cheap that way.

    Anyway, others have said it before and I feel it more and more———–we really NEED a way to “like” comments on your blog. No need to add a “dislike” thumb, just a thumbs up one for the especially gut cracking ones, of which there are always so many. The only person still funnier than your readers is you, but sometimes they get really close up on your heels!

  329. Oh, and I forgot to say it’s not Saturn or Jupiter or Mars or even Uranus. It’s that whole dang Blue Moon thing!

  330. Having survived a tropical storm and back to back hurricane in 8 days and then taking 2+ yrs to sell our house to FEMA, I can understand how you completely. I didn’t count the days, I’m totally impressed with you on that one. Then there was another house disaster after that. We weren’t able to sell that one and that was a foreclosure last year. I don’t think I will be buying another house again…unless I can put all of the money down for it. It has been extremely painful.

  332. Stupid saint never worked for me either…don’t worry about going to hell..I am pretty sure I am riding shotgun on that bus…

  333. So, I just really started truly reading your blog – and spent half of last Sunday working my way backwards and trying not to laugh so hard that a) i startled my roommate or b) fell off the bed.

    This one nearly made me spit water on my computer.

    Thank you for your thoughts – this is why you have a successful book (that I can’t wait to read!)

    p.s. Congrats on selling the house… dead man/cat or not!

  334. So I’m totally messed up because my sciatica is acting up and being a COMPLETELY LITERAL pain in the a$$ and I’m slowly weaning myself off of anti-depressants and my husband is constantly worried about me and watching me like a HAWK to make sure I don’t fall off the deep end of the cliff (or whatever) and then I read your blog and click on all the links that explain things and I’m laughing like an idiot so hard that I keep snorting and…well…he smiles because I’m smiling and laughing.

    Well done and thank you.

  335. You can totally claim to be Catholic if you’ve buried a saint. Or rather, they might claim you. My husband was suprised to discover he was a secret catholic – we needed to get permission from the priest to marry in a catholic service because I’m (nominally) Catholic but hubby has never been a church-goer and was never formally christened. But he was baptised by his mum in hospital because he was really sick as a baby and needed an operation, and his mum was Catholic at the time. The Priest was like “yeah, that totally counts, we’ll put you down as catholic”.

  337. Finally sold our house in Vancouver WA after lowering the price, replacing the roof and other expensive stuff. ST joseph didn’t seem to help us either even if he was on his head

  338. No need to mention the cat. If the house has been there for a while there is probably a menagerie out there entertaining the worms. My next door neighbour and I exhumed his budgie to see how it was going. By the second exhumation (about 18 months) it was hard to find any remains at all. No idea why his mother was not pleased.

  339. Having bought/sold 4 houses, the only one that took the longest to sell was the one I buried St. Joseph in……. and I am a Catholic! Never again………… Love your blog!

  340. I feel ya on the depression. My husband keeps asking me “what are you depressed about?” (in a helpful if not confused sort of way… because rational, normal people have reasons. I’m all, “you married me, when do I have a reason for doing ANYTHING?”). After saying “nothing” and “who knows” over and over, I started inventing reasons like “pluto is in the house of Uranus, and who wouldn’t be depressed about anything being in your anus?” So blaming Saturn for being an asshole seems like a totally plausible plan to me. Hope we both feel better soon.

  341. When we sold our house in TX and moved out of state 3 years ago, the person who found my little-dead-guy-buried-upside-down, mailed him back to me! About 2 years after we had left. I think I was more freaked out to get him in the mail (best part: still covered in dirt and a little corroded), than they were finding him! Snort!

  342. We recently unearthed a St. Joseph from our backyard — well, most of a St. Joe, the shovel knocked off his head. I’m thinking of asking our sellers for a partial refund of the purchase price, since divine intervention is an unfair bargaining chip.

    My daughter promptly glommed onto headless St. Joe and now he’s Dora’s and Diego’s best buddy. When he’s really lucky, he gets to hold the backpack.

  343. We move around for work and have done the bury-the-St.-Joseph-statue-upside-down-in-the-yard thing several times. When we would sell the house, I’d go out and dig him up and off we’d go to the new place. However, we had some friends that were having trouble selling their house – they didn’t bury a St. Joseph statue – and since they had already moved 3 states away, I buried our St. Joseph statue in their yard to help them sell. When they finally sold their house I went back to dig him up, but he wasn’t there. I dug all around and couldn’t find him. I think that St. Joseph had to work so hard to sell their house that in the end, it took everything out of him and there was nothing left. And besides, why would you want that statue back even if you could have it? He took almost three years to sell your house. You need a luckier St. Joseph statue next time.

  344. I came to this page by typing ‘This is probably upside-down’ into Google. First result. Very good.

  345. Does Beth Feldman have mental issues now. She was not always a total whacko. Does she
    hold a woman named Doreen under ownership, or a “spell” ?

  346. It hook me three days of digging to find my statue. I’m not catholic but rather superstitious. I dug five holes three feet deep and three feet wide. It looks like a crazy person lives here. Eventually I found it. I became concerned that I would be cursed if I left it there. My mom died and she wanted to sell. I want to stay and I thought it was the statue making the probate difficult so now I have found it I will be un cursed and things will go smoothly. At least I’m not going to hell for that.

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