Like finding out that you get a free trip to the North Pole but Santa is dead when you get there

in Random Crap

Car conversation with Victor and I:

me:  HOLY SHITBALLS!  DID YOU JUST SEE THAT SIGN?!

Victor:  Was it the one telling passengers not to scream “Holy shitballs” while the driver is trying to concentrate?

me:  TURN AROUND.  TURN AROUND RIGHT FUCKING NOW.

Victor:  Why?

me:  Because I think that sign just said that Tim Minchin is playing at that honky-tonk bar.

Victor:  What?

me:  TURNAROUND, TURNAROUND, TURNAROUND.

Victor:  Jesus.  Calm down.

me: What?  Who the fuck is Tim Mitchum?

Victor:  The guy you’re apparently freaking out about.

me:  No, I thought it said Tim Minchin.

Victor:  Who the fuck is Tim Minchin?

me:  I want a divorce.

Victor:  No seriously, what’s your problem?

me:  My problem is that I thought one of my favorite people of all time was going to be performing down the street and now my hopes are dashed.

Victor:  Sorry.

me:  Get me some gasoline.  I want to burn this place down.

Victor:  You might be overreacting.

me:  And then I’m going to salt the earth so nothing will ever grown here again.

Victor:  Never mind.  Perfectly normal.

me:  You don’t understand.  It’s like winning a free trip to the North Pole, but then you get there and you find out Santa is dead.

Victor: Huh.

me:  And you try to tell yourself to buck up because at least you’ll get to say your last respects to Santa but when you lean over him in his coffin he grabs you and eats your face off.

Victor:  *

me:  Because he’s a zombie.  Santa is a zombie.  And now you are too.

Victor:  Stop talking.

me:  And that’s like the WORST place to be a zombie because your decaying body will freeze if you go outside and nothing lives there except elves so it’s like eating tater tots all the time.

Victor:  *sigh*

me:  Because they’re little.  Not because elves taste like potatoes.

Victor:  I got that.

me:  I have no idea what elves taste like.  Probably like Eskimo Pies.  With bones in them.

Victor:  That divorce thing still up for grabs?

me:  I blame this whole thing on Tim Mitchum.

PS.  For those of you who don’t know the glory of Tim Minchin:

Equally awesome: Fuck the Poor, Prejudice, Lullaby and my personal favorite:  White Wine in the Sun.

UPDATED:  And then my world exploded in awesomeness and I won the internets.

317 thoughts on “Like finding out that you get a free trip to the North Pole but Santa is dead when you get there”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. As a friend occasionally says, thank God we don’t all like the same things, because if we did, there’d never be enough oatmeal.

  4. You are right; that Tim MInchin is stuffed full of awesome, I mean, not that elves taste like Tater tots or eskimo pies ( whatever they might be) not that I would know what an elf should taste like…um, I’m going to shutup now

  5. I know exactly what you mean about . . going to the North Pole and finding out Santa is dead, tupe of dissappointment! Sometimes life is so unfair, but you always make me laugh about it!

  7. For those of you who don’t know the glory of Tim Minchin: Go sit in a corner and be ashamed.

  10. I don’t know who Tim Mitchum is, but he has a lot to answer for. Dead santas, tater tot elves, and zombies is probably too much for anyone to handle.

  12. I worry about zombies, too. And that is precisely why I will be moving to the north pole when the zombie apocolypse hits. And I will get there and find out that santa is a zombie, too. Along with a bunch of little elves who all want to eat my face off. HOLY ASS NUGGET!!!!
    How did this get so depressing? Oh yeah… dead santa… sad face. 🙁

  13. I about fell off my seat – the possibility of Tim Minchin playing at a honky tonk bar in the midst of Texas AND the honky tonk bar advertising it outside! World peace and unicorns and a non-contentious election season is possible! Does Victor NOT understand that? And only to turn out to be a Mitchum. The world just got a whole lot sadder… Time to burn that mother down.

  16. I love that you were so optimistic that you thought Tim Minchin would be playing at a honky tonk bar with a sign like that.

  18. couldn’t someone really water the earth to dilute the alkalinity and then maybe add some lime to balance the pH and still get stuff to grow?

  20. I love his music, and you. And zombie santas. Also, I want to make you/hailey a halloween quilt. Because you’re kickass.

  22. I don’t think I have ever commented, though maybe after I read your book I said how much I loved it. Anyway, thank you for repeatedly cracking me up, even on the worst of days … and for getting me to buy a family member a mini-Beyonce.

  24. “me: Because they’re little. Not because elves taste like potatoes.”

    I just love this. On any other planet, it just wouldn’t make sense. But in your head? Oh yeah.

  25. Loving the Tim! I hear ‘Canvas Bags’ in my head at the grocery checkout EVERY DAMN TIME.

  32. Congratulations, you have just created the very first Christmas themed Horror movie. “Twas the Night of the Living Dead” I’d expect a phone call from Hollywood any second!

  33. That is truly the tragic cherry on a cake of woe that it wasn’t Tim Minchin. He would have totally rocked those people’s world. Instead of salting the earth, perhaps you could work on getting Tim Minchin to play for them! Bring a little culture to those people’s lives who would go see Tim Mitchum and not Minchin.

  34. I would looove to see Tim Minchin anywhere, but to see him in that bar in Texas I might actually give up an organ. Not a good one, of course, just my spleen or appendix. It would be one hell of an interesting show.

  35. Uhm… you know what… is it wrong that I’m siding with Victor on this one? I mean, really, you thought Tim Minchin was playing at some cinder block roadside honkey-tonk and all they were doing to advertise it was put his name on their shitty sign with mismatched colored letters?

    Also, I think elves taste more like a garden salad. But just a side salad… because, you know, small.

  36. I wish I had a Victor in my life… not your Victor, because that would be wierd, but a Victor of my very own, because I would love to be able to have conversations with my victor, like you have with yours. Life is never dull, with a Victor around!!!

  37. I *love* Tim Minchin and wonder why he hasn’t marketed his stuff over here. (You pretty much have to live in England to truly pile into his recordings). I mean, YouTube is fine and everything but the man is a freaking underappreciated genius over here.

    Bloggess: I TRULY feel your pain.

  38. Holy crap, am I the only one who had not heard of Tim Minchin? I watched the video and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Thank you for introducing me.

    Now is time for many hour of YouTubes.

  40. Dead Santas don’t bother me. As a kid, i’d encourage my father to light a fire in the fireplace in case Santa forgot that we were Jewish and headed down our chimney. Sadly, I was never rewarded with freshly baked Santa on Christmas morning. We did go out for Chinese, though. It might be stereotypical, but it *is* our Jewish Christmas tradition.

  41. That would be a momentous let down. Its a good thing you didn’t go in to see Mitchums middle of the road rock and roll that people who live in trailer parks and eat nothing but Kraft Dinner and bologna aka: Newfoundland Steaks listen to.
    Check out my blog!

  45. Man, I HATE that. When you think you realized something and you get all excited and then you realize you realized wrong and obviously you can’t blame yourself so you blame someone or something else. I blame my significant other most of the time. He’s resigned himself to the cause.

  46. ya need to sit Victor down and make him watch all Tim Minchin youtube clips.
    duc-tape and glue will help to get him to stay put…

  48. My brother and his friends once had a very similar experience but the sign they followed said “Buffet $10 Saturday Night 7pm”. They thought they had found $10 tickets to a Jimmy Buffett concert and waited around in this little podunk town all day for the show. Idiots.

  49. This made me laugh until tears came to my eyes. Especially the part where you compared elves to tater tots. That was PRICELESS.

  50. “I don’t know what Elves taste like”

    You seriously are the best birthday present! lol Thanks for cheering me up on yet another gloomy day!

  51. Oh, girl.
    I really, *really* needed Tim Minchin today, and I didn’t even know who he was until I clicked on your link just now, much less that he would make me feel OK about my own sadness and fucked-up-ed-ness today.
    I know you understand me. Which also helps.
    All very weird. But thanks.

  54. If elves do taste like eskimo pies, I might consider being a north pole dwelling zombie. But not if they taste like tater tots. Not really into those.

  55. Tim Minchin is like one of the best people ever. I bet Tim Mitchum is not. I’m with you on burning the place.
    I now want to know who this Tim Mitchum guys is, and am seriously contemplating getting on a plane so I can turn up and throw things at him for not being Tim Minchin.

  56. Love Tim Minchin. His appearance on The Green Room with Paul Provenza is one of my favorites; the ‘Brain Cum’ spot is brilliant. It’s been YouTubed for those so inclined. Lol!

  57. Sometimes my eye balls freak out and I only read things I want to see. But then when I see what is really there I feel homicidal and kind of sad. Right there with you.

  59. I like that TIM MITCHUM gets multi-colored letters. I wonder if he’s related to the deodorant I use? If so, he sucks because that deodorant sucks. Or maybe I just have sweat that can’t be controlled.

    Help me, Tim Minchin.

  60. Sitting in the doctors office snickering at my phone. Getting a lot of strange looks (but only in my mind…no one really cares that I’m snickering at my phone)

  61. Which of these if more disturbing?
    1. The fact that Terri(#4) doesn’t know what an Eskimo Pie is.
    or
    2. The possibility of turning into a cannibal ’cause if what Katrina(#21) says is true (that Elves taste like frozen Girl Scout Thin Mints) I am all over them shorty snacks with legs!
    As for Santa eating your face off, could be worse. Could be your mother in law coming to visit and then breaking her leg….aaargh, Santa take me now!
    Hmm, submitting last part of sentence for porn film title.

  62. I once bought a ticket to a Petty Tom concert at that notorious Viper Room, thinking that I was going to see Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers. What a disappointment that was!

  63. Ashamed to say I had never heard of Tim Minchin until now… and I am so glad you introduced me to him. WOW. What a talent.

  68. Sadly, I had never heard of Tim Minchin before this post. I almost feel as though my life is not complete. He is amaze-balls.

  69. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – you’re scarily like Amanda Egan (Mummy Misfit) in the UK – writer, blogger, witty, cover of first book ‘Diary of a Mummy Misfit’ has a woman with her hair in curlers … and she adores Tim MInchin too!

  70. You have to watch the ‘3 Minute Song’ from The Royal Variety Show (its an annual show infront of the Queen or other British royal)

  71. Maybe it is Tim Minchin and they spelled his name wrong, won’t you feel bad if you miss him. You should double check maybe the person who wrote the marque misheard his name?

  72. I hate it when I misread a sign and get my hopes dashed like that. But I have never burned a place down because of it…I merely leave used cat litter on their porch…ok, I don’t do that either, but that is what I fell like doing.

  73. I had the same exact thought process, but instead of Santa it was like visiting Graceland and meeting an Elvis zombie because I visited Graceland when I was 3 and believed in Elvis, but my mom told me Santa wasn’t real from birth.

  74. Have you seen the movie “Rare Exports”? Pretty much, it’s about Santa Claus from hell. And reindeer, but the real kind in the Scandinavian Peninsula. My new favorite Christmas movie.

  75. Christmas just got fucking serious! What a perfect way to spread the zombie virius: dropping zombie Santa down your chimney!

  78. @chelseylaynee *sits in the corner and is ashamed* (although I spend most of my life like that so the shame corner is pretty comfy)

  79. I LOVE Tim Minchin. And now I love you even more than I already loved you because of your love for him. Book tour to United Kingdom? Pretty please?

  80. I had a crush on a guy named Mitch Mitchum in kindergarten…….. or maybe it was Mitch Matchum…….. I just know it wasn’t Matt Minchin. He was HOT…… in a kindergarten kind of way. Could you go back and ask Tim if he has a brother named Mitch? Thanks for reminding me of Mitch and making me laugh.

  82. Since you love Tim Minchin, you need to check out these youtube videos of Tim on a HILARIOUS British quiz show called NEVERMIND THE BUZZCOCKS. It isn’t (that) dirty. It is a quiz show of popular music. I’ve posted a link to the videos (the first part of several).

    Like I said, HILARIOUS!

    Tim as a contestant:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pEqknb_4ZFA (Part 1 of 3)
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RpptlDFT7_k (Part 1 of 3)

    Tim as a host:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQ2ubvWWopA (Part 1 of 2)

  83. For future reference, North Pole / Santa elves DO taste like Eskimo Pies, but with a hint of mint. Lord of the Rings elves taste more like barbecue potato chips, but only when you give them head.

  85. I’ve got to be honest with you, I think it may be a LITTLE bit your fault for even thinking Tim Minchin would be playing in an old beat up burned out honkey tonk bar. I mean…. is that corrugated tin siding?????

  86. Holy crap, this laugh was just what I needed on this long and winding afternoon. Elves that may or may not taste like potatoes or Eskimo pies with bones in them. 😀 Thank you for making my day better (and for being the cause of my exuberant laughter that has made my coworkers think I might be crazy!)

  89. apparently he has exactly one you tube video, however now that you’ve asked the question he will probably get half a million hits this afternoon alone!

  90. According to World War Z by Max Brooks, zombies freeze solid in cold weather and cannot attack. I guess this is good news because at least you know if you bend over to pay your respects to a dead Santa’s outdoor grave, he can’t eat your face. If it’s an indoor memorial, all bets are off. That’s alright though, because is elves DO taste like tater tots, at least they don’t taste like beets, right?

  91. Of course you love Tim Minchin too! Because you are awesome like that. See him live- that’s the REAL way to do it!

  92. I have it on good authority that North Pole elves taste like lime Fla-Vor-Ices. Also I’ve never heard of Tim Minchin OR Mitchum but I wonder if one is related to Robert Mitchum or else the dude who invented the deodorant. I hope it’s the deodorant guy because that stuff smells really good.

  94. I felt for you as soon as you said turn the car around. I watch Tim Minchin’s tour/gig dates constantly hoping someday I will be able to see him live. I’m sorry. The disappointment must be heartbreaking.

  96. I can see why you like him… he’s just like you: all that madness just hides the genius 😉

  99. Well shit. I’m sitting in the exam room waiting to see the doctor. One minute I’m laughing hysterically. The next I’m crying.

    If I end up in a mental institution it’s this posts fault.

  100. Seems just like the kind of guy who’d hold a ball of twine with aplomb.

    P.S. The universe must-a put out some weird ju-ju cause I’d been in full-on head-buried-in-the-sand mode parallel to your rough spot. And now this just brought it to a screeching halt. Fuck meds, I’ll take your blog. I’m really only kidding. I love my meds. Like, a LOT. But your blog is right up there, jockeying for the #1 spot.

    I love you, dear.

  103. There are not words to describe my thanks for this one. After all, living a life of a lust for brains is one of my greatest fears. I’d never considered the down side of Zombies at the pole before…but now I understand I must NEVER go near there, just in case!!

  104. Did you go see him? If you want you can bring either Tim to thanksgiving in San Angelo. You are coming to our T-day celebration, aren’t you?

  105. Because that TOTALLY looks like a place Tim Mitchum would play.

    Instead, let’s go see my cousin’s cross dressing glam rock punk band. Because they’d play there, probably.

  106. I love Tim Minchin so much it hurts. Had tickets to see him when he was in Boulder, and then got sick and couldn’t go. Daughter went without me and gave my ticket to a homeless guy, so now she gets points for Heaven, and all I got was the flu.

  108. OMG Santa zombie *snort*! I have to remember not to read this blog in public! On a related note, roommate and I were having a heated discussion about the scientific viability of the zombie virus idea. But then we remembered rabies was also transmitted by bites and everything was ok again.

  109. Tim Minchin is my secret boyfriend (along with Neil deGrasse Tyson..yes, I’m a total nerd but I think that gets me points here). My husband and I have lost entire nights scouring the internet for Tim Minchin videos. Tim Mitchum? Um, no! Sounds like grounds to me.

  110. I now know my go-to reaction when disappointed by a place: burn it down and salt the earth. Because Santa zombies will otherwise populate the Earth, and this Jewish girl is NOT down with that.

  111. Love him! Saw him on tv when we were in Australia earlier this year. I think he was singing “Prejudice” and I instantly fell in love when he cautioned that only a ginger can call another ginger a ginger. As a ginger, I agree

  112. Ah, as soon as I saw the picture I knew this post would be about TIm Minchin. ‘If I Didn’t Have You’ is my favorite of his, I think. And I just found out that he wrote the music for Matilda: The Musical, which just makes those songs that much more awesome.

  113. Now I’m wondering what Elves really taste like and wondering if I’m now a Zombie too…CRAP On A CRACKER!

  115. Noooooooooooooo
    If I’d have known you were a Minchin fan then I’d have sent you the MP3 of him and Caitlin Moran having a chat on British Radio. I’ve wiped it off my mp3 player now and it’s not available for download on the BBC website any more. Actually, pretty mad with myself for doing getting rid of it in the first place as it was hilarious!

    It’s available here for a short while http://bbc.in/Q3l0iQ but I doubt you’ll be able to hear it as it’s on the BBC iPlayer 🙁

  116. Any conversation where Victor commands you to “Stop talking” is PURE GOLD.

    And I think that’s every conversation.

  117. Oh good god. HOW DO YOU COME UP WITH THIS STUFF?

    Please warn me next time so I can make sure to be on the toilet.
    To catch the pee from laughing so hard, obviously.

  118. I got taken to see the marvellous Mr Minchin last year, and it was amazing. Then he popped up at an Amanda Palmer gig, which made my head explode. Burn the place down, damn them for getting your hopes up. Also, my boyfriend tells me to ‘stop talking’ when I get a bit weird too. (By weird, I mean weirder than normal). 🙂

  119. OMG! People who know about Tim Minchin! My people!

    I don’t know why, but “White Wine in the Sun” always makes me happy and a little sad at the same time.

    Love. Him.

  120. I don’t think it’s coincidence that you posted this on the same day I woke up singing, “Fuck, I love boobs though!”

    If you ever DO get the chance to see him play live, do it. Some of the funniest stuff I’ve ever seen!

  123. thank you. i will now be obsessed with what elves taste like (collective EWWWW!). i opt for the tator tot rather than the eskimo pie with bones. tator tots is much more palatable.

  126. Did you get to see him when he was here in Dallas? He was *fantastic* live. I’ll never look at the Lakewood Theater statues holding the giant toenails the same way again.

  127. Okay, you’re fucking hilarious, and I’m sure you get a MILLION comments like this a day, but I think you’d enjoy my blog. I feel like it’s a bit like yours but from the perspective of a 20 something, newly single chick after a very long monogamous relationship. Hilarity ensues. Also I loved your book and recommend it to everyone I know. You should do I podcast. I would freak out.

    Laura

    http://thesamepage89.blogspot.com/

  128. I think they used the different colored letters to confuse you into thinking the sign said something exciting. Dashed hopes suck. Stupid zombie Santa.

  129. @Holly #62, I feel your pain. My dad had a friend in a band named The Danny Charles Band and for years (I was young) I thought he was in the Charlie Daniels Band and was proud my dad knew a celebrity I enjoyed. Of course the band covered “The Devil Went Down To Georgia” so why wouldn’t I have thought it was them?

  132. I don’t know who you’ve got fact checking nowadays, but Elves taste like a cross between sweet tarts and sea turtle. Duh.

  133. Never heard of Tim Minchin until you mentioned his “White wine in the sun”. Even though I completely hate Christmas, I fell in love with both the song and the man. Looked up every possible song he ever performed and such a huge fan of his now. Too bad I probably won’t ever see him live since I live in Belgium.
    Still, thank you for mentioning him!

  134. Wow! He’s like the offspring of Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band! Totally cool.

    Fearful and boring! Sounds like politics to me!

  135. Why have I never heard of him before? I may love him. He is the best EVER. White Wine in the Sun, EXACTLY me. It’s damn creepy, and also beautiful.

  136. My youngest didn’t sleep through the night until he was two-and-a-half, and every time he woke up, my brain automatically started playing Tim Minchin’s “Lullaby.” Really helped relieve the tension. Thanks for introducing me to him!

  137. Bonus points to Tim for using “Demagoguery” and “boring” in the same sentence. Triple bonus points to the bloggess for not thinking of Mitchum Deodorant before going to Tim. Carry on my friends. Nothing to see here… lol

  140. Mr Tim Minchin is awesome and this has to be one of the most surreal conversations poor Victor has been caught up in and how could he not know who Tim Minchin is He is ‘Perfect’ I every way AND he spoke to you on Twitter…. I can feel another bathroom session coming on in The Bloggess house

  144. Omigosh, laughing so hard on the post…and then goosebumps watching Tim perform! My life’s not perfect either, but it’s mine. Thank you Jenny for ALWAYS making my days brighter.

  146. OMG I would have reacted EXACTLY the same as you (though my hubby is the one who introduced me to Tim Minchin so he would have known why I was freaking out).

    Gotta love “If I Didn’t Have You” and “With a Six Foot Cock and a Few Hundred Virgins” as well….(can I say that on here?) 😀

  147. I couldn’t read all of the comments here but just in case no one did it already, my little New Zealand self trotted off and wrote to Tim’s people saying that you had written about him 🙂 cos I thought it was just too nice not to tell him.
    How could I have even been surprised about you loving him like that …
    Forgive me.

    This is the one I love best because I miss New Zealand quite a lot and this captures it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fCNvZqpa-7Q
    x

  148. I had a similar disappointment when I found out that it was not the Red Hot Chili Peppers playing relatively locally but the Red Hot Chili Pipers, bet they don’t play their bagpipes wearing nothing but a sock!

  149. It is so cute that you thought he would ACTUALLY be playing at a honky tonk in Texas. Next stop….Gilleys!!

  152. I had a horrible day today that began at 4AM and then you posted this wonderful song and now things don’t seem quite so awful. Thank you!

    And it would be completely amazing if you could get Tim Minchin to play a date, say…. in your bathroom? I mean, if Dr. Pants could do it, why not Tim Minchin? Just a thought…

  153. Ooh, and Woody Allen Jesus!! The BBC may have banned it… (well, it *was* a Christmas show) (rofl) but he uploaded it his youtube channel.

  154. Holy Fucked up hair! Another fantastic Victor/Jenny story (I live for them). Thank you so much for introducing me to Tim!!! How is it that someone can be that funny and a brilliant musical genius all at the same time?! Not fair…I guess that is why his hair had to be a mess. lol!

  157. OOH, thanks for sharing. I hang my head in shame as one who has never heard of Tim Minchin, but I loved his voice and humor in that clip…I will listen to more. His voice reminded me of James Blount a bit. So sorry your dreams were dashed like that. What a letdown.

  158. Ah, yes…Tim Minchin, the Bonzo Dog Doo Dah Band, AND The Zombie Apocalypse:Operation North Pole! Life is Good!

  159. Only one person has mentioned the Finnish horror/Santa movie “Rare Exports.” I cannot emphasize strongly enough how important it is that you watch this movie if the idea of a zombie Santa and evil elves makes you laugh. Just don’t show it to children, really, you’ll never be able to go near a mall Santa again.

  160. Can I be extra proud cause Tim Minchin is from Australia? Times like these it’s good to be an aussie!
    Ps. You’re funny.
    Pps. I feel like an Eskimo pie about now.

  161. Looooove Tim Minchin. He did a series of show with the state orchestras here in Australia. Imagine White Wine with a 100 piece orchestra! Heaven.

  164. *dies laughing*

    OMG, I don’t think I’ll be able to look at tater tots now without laughing myself hysterical, especially at Christmas, and if I’m in public, I won’t be able to say WHY!! The only ones who will understand will be my kids and my husband, and okay, my daughter will probably be prostrated right there next to me, laughing into her tater-tots while her father and her brother look at us tolerantly and smile. That’s okay, because it’s entirely worth it!!

  165. “Get me some gasoline. I want to burn this place down.”

    Totally. Legit. Response.

    That is irresponsible advertising on their part; they are going to cause accidents on the nearby road-ways and possible suicides (or homicides) in local residents.

    Fire-bombing is the only logical choice. It makes you a good neighbor.

    /shakes your hand

  167. Don’t know – or really want to know – your political leanings…but “Sluts for Obama” just shared your Tim Minchin link and is now getting lots of likes. Coincidence?

  168. “White Wine in the Sun” really ought to come with a health warning. I am a pregnant lady due in November. With a girl. Who can only have blue eyes and may have red hair (oh, genetics). I think I nearly ruptured something with all the weeping.

  170. I love the way you think I really do. Lol, the song wasn’t bad either. totally reasonable reactions by Victor though… (I think I’m biased, my first name is Victor-therefore, he’s my comrade… it’s cool though, I go by my middle name Michael so i can take your side most of the time-Like in the Beyonce Incident, totally with you there)

  171. You know where Tim Minchin is? Australia.
    And this is why there should be a bonus Australia leg of your book tour. 😀

  172. I read the conversation outloud to my brother. His response?

    “Are you kidding me? Undeath would be a pretty awesome Christmas present. Think about it.”

  173. Yeah, I had never heard of Tim Minchin either, but as soon as I heard him speak in the video & saw the eyeliner, I just naturally assumed he’d be banned from entering Texas. But he DOES seem super cool. I really like how his hair looks like that of a doll that’s been loved on by a little girl for years and brushed beyond recovery–way to own it, dude. Somehow, his look fits with the various eccentric and loved on beings you keep dragging home to Victor. But you should have run in to get a photo of the imposter MITCHUM for comparison’s sake…now I’m dying to know.

  175. I love Tim Minchin almost as much as I love you. Good thing I don’t have to choose. I would really be ticked off if I had seen that sign too.

  179. Love this guy! Tim Minchin, not Mitchum. I don’t know Mitchum…not that I know Minchin personally, just of him. Although, now I know of Tim Mitchum, too, through this post. Apparently he plays at honky-tonk bars.

  181. thanks for introducing me to yet another great artist! To return the favor, take a minute (or 2) to listen to a couple of my favorite earworms! Locally, there used to be a Saturday morning radio show, “Greasy Kid Stuff”. These are just 2 of my favorites from the show…. can’t help singing along! “Happy Noodle VS Sad Noodle” by Logan Whitehurst http://bit.ly/NbqRow and “Life w/o the cow” by the kids of Widney High… http://bit.ly/TjYEg9

  183. Oh, sweetie. I feel ya. I would love to see Tim – almost willing to move to Toronto just to make that happen.

  185. Oh, jenny, I totally feel you. But it may be for the best; you’d have to defend Tim’s honor from all of the fundamentalist assholes he’d offend. I hope he’s a fan. He should be a fan – maybe he can do a bathroom concert for you somehow… Make sure your next house’s bathroom is big enough to fit a grand piano.

  186. Totally followed that, right up until the Zombie Elves. Seriously. Thanks for ruining Christmas for me!

  189. Wouldn’t it be a bummer if they meant “Minchin” but some moron misspelled it on the sign. That happens so often. And that’s an even bigger bummer, because you find out too late that missed out on an awesome event because of faulty advertising. Then the only thing left to do is go postal on the sorry idiots. (…do people still go postal? Sometimes I’m stuck in the 80s. or 90s. Whichever.)

  190. @ Elizabeth #154…

    I get you about the hair. I was trying to explain to the Tiger who this guy was and got as far as, “okay, if Johnny Depp made up as Jack Sparrow had the dead animal hairdo that Dildano (David Hemmings in Barbarella*) had after having psychopillsex with Jane Fonda… ” but rather than telling me to stop talking, she knew EXACTLY what I was talking about.

    *Which we got to rewatch nast night. I love Netf**x.

  191. so is Victor relieved that he’s not getting a divorce? he’s a pretty good sport it seems. but then again he seems to give as good as he gets…you’re a good team!!

  192. I’m with Michelle (141) – Tim is an Aussie and we (mostly) love him and his irreverent humour. I think he is fabulous! Glad you do too. Another reason to keep reading your blog!! AND I can understand your disappointment when you realised it was not Tim (our Tim) playing ……. and I think even Victor did as well! Great guy that Victor.

  193. I can’t believe that YOUR husband didn’t know who Tim Minchin is. You’d think he’d have heard the lilt of his music all over your house, or at least the music of your laughter. (Come to think of it, after all this time, he probably doesn’t react to your laughter any more). Anyway, sorry you missed the TM concert. That guy might have been talented too. Perhaps you passed up an opportunity to discover the American Tim Minchin. Huh.

  195. Now you’ve got me wondering about North Pole zombies.
    On the one hand, they would move r-e-e-e-a-l-l-l-y s-l-o-o-o-o-w-w because of the cold & all.
    But on the other hand, they wouldn’t really decay and get all smelly. They’d probably just get freezer burn instead which isn’t horribly gross until you try to cook & eat it.

  200. Also, I am (slightly) ashamed to admit that I’ve never heard of this guy before – and HOLY SHIT I think I may need to spend an all nighter on You Tube. Thank you for introducing us to these gems 🙂

  201. Tim Minchin is my favourite man in the world. Luckily he comes from here, so like Lisa said “BEST COUNTRY ON EARTH”. Prejudice is my favourite song and I always sing it while I am doing my dishes! If I didn’t have you is a close second.

    I may have followed him around for an entire day once.

    Elves definitely look minty. And raspberry. It must be the green and red edging.

  202. OMG. i have loved you AND i have loved Tim Minchin for YEARS. How come this is the first I’ve heard you mention him?!?! I think he must have been your soulmate in another life. Srsly.

  204. 1. What’s wrong with me that after reading this all I can think about is what elves would taste like?
    (I’ve settled on cinnamon and nutmeg with a creamy centre)

    2. But I *totally* get the link between burning the place down and then salting the Earth. That’s my usual go-to
    response, much to the chagrin of my own Victor. Hmmm, they should meet. Perhaps not. The world might
    implode.

    3. I know who Tim Minchin is – you might like Kitty Flanagan.

  205. I really don’t think elves taste like eskimo pies. I think tater tots was awfully spot on.

    And that’s all I’m saying.

    Giants taste like asparagus.

    And not just because the jolly green ones smell like asparagus pee. I don’t know. Whatever.

  207. P.S. Tim Minchin’s music is actually quite appealing…he’s like a cross between Ben Folds (voice) and Jim Brickman (soothing piano-ish things). The music relaxed me into overlooking the guyliner and Donald Trump’s old piece

  208. Okay, thanks to Google, found out Tim Mitchum doesn’t totally suck (if it’s the same one).

    Maybe not tater tot zombies, maybe onion ring zombies, but definitely without the zesty sauce.

  209. So that’s what “salting the earth” means? Then how come when people say “She’s the salt of the earth” they say it like it’s a good thing? How come, Jenny??

  211. Isn’t Not Perfect the best for a depressive. I learned to play it on Ukulele.

    I’ve ended up buying “imported” CD’s off Amazon UK or eBay.

  212. Haha, I scrolled down a little before reading and the picture of the sign got me too.
    I feel like I traveled down the exact same path with you!

    I want Tim Minchin! And Santa! And Tim Minchin to dress up as Santa!

  213. 1. I think you just came up with the perfect solution to a Zombie apocalypse. We all have to go to the North Pole.

    2. Victor – how can you not know the jolly, shoeless, incredible Tim? What is WRONG with you?

  215. This is totally like when I get all excited because I’m a good wife who made tacos for dinner and the hubs walks in and is all, “Do I smell chicken parmesan?” all blissfully excited-like and I’m all, “Chicken parm? THE HECK? It’s tacos” and I watch his face fall as he tries to look brave and happy we are really having tacos and not chicken parmesan.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is that Tim Mitchum is a taco.

  216. Didn’t see this until Wednesday morning, and since I accidentally cancelled Wednesday by scratching it off the calender last night when I went to bed, well, let me say – the video really made my non-day. Thanks.

  217. At least you can take solace in the knowledge that your tale of broken dreams and missed opportunities will give pleasure to the suffering masses who have very few sources of entertainment in their otherwise humdrum lives… Or not.
    You recently wrote about your soul-crushing depression… You want to talk depression? My book barely has a PULSE, never mind still being on the NYT list after 4 months! NO ONE outside of my little home in the Niagara region gives a fuck about my work; of course, I know they have no reason to in the first place, but COME ON! “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” describes my entire writing career so far…
    I tell you what, Bloggess, I have a proposal for you: come up with some kind of crazy stunt for me to pull – short of breaking any laws, I’ll do WHATEVER you want – and I’ll do it, providing you review my book and give me your honest opinion and a blurb.
    I don’t expect you’ll see this or respond, but if you do, get creative and give The Hook a challenge worthy of the reward, okay?
    P.S. I’m going to repeat this message, as I’m sure you don’t have the time to actually read every comment. Hopefully, sooner or later, I’ll make contact and we can talk business.
    Talk to you soon, I hope!

  218. Ok. I knew I loved you for more than seven reasons. When my 12 and 13 year olds do something week, I allow them to sing “I am so fucking rock”. But just one verse. And only in our own house.

  220. Tim Minchin is brilliant live – so very naughty! Not sure god-obsessed right wing Americans are ready for him tho! Especially the back story associated with Thank You God or the Pope Song. The last time I saw him he was also talking about burning the Koran (really a Harry Potter book with custom cover). best if you head to Australia to see him – we don’t have lots of gun toting fanatics

  222. I got 2 things out of this:

    1) Victor has ‘probable cause’ for pretty much anything he could be arrested for, and
    2) Tim Minchin is actually Beetlejuice.

  223. I completely understand that feeling, and Victor should be more sensitive. You see, recently, my boyfriend and I let his youngest son (Radley) watch Gremlins. And that movie says there is no Santa…we killed Radley’s hopes and dreams. It was awful.

  224. Tim Mitchum is about to star in Jesus Christ Superstar with the very excellent Radio One DJ Chris Moyles, who are very funny, as are you.

    I am so glad you are seeming to feel a bit better.

  225. I want to make a giant zombie Santa to go in my yard this Christmas along with the bodies of several mutilated elves. Maybe it’s a good thing I don’t really have neighbors.

  228. Wait, salting the earth keeps stuff from growing? I’m going to need more salt…and a ninja costume. I’ll show those neighbors that never mow their fucking grass what’s up.

  229. You actually introduced me to Tim Minchin a while back, when you posted White Wine in the Sun at the end of one of your posts. I’ve been meaning to thank you for that– I absolutely love all of his music:)

  232. If Tim Minchin played at a podunk bar in Texas, I’m pretty sure that the result would be a bar in flames.

  233. I really think that after all the years, he would know to turn around because you SAID so and not to disagree with all those fucking questions. Geeze…Victor.

  237. How do you DO THAT?? I wish I could make perfectly insane stuff sound utterly and completely logical. (Nice to include the elves. Zombies get all the credit these days.)

  238. Wow. I was really, really excited because for a minute there I thought you actually got to see the AWESOME TIM MINCHIN. I’m crushed.

  239. It’s weird but your post made me think of Robert Mitchem and them it made me thing Beef…whats for dinner? So I think I’m having steak tonight for dinner. Weird, huh?

  240. thanks. for always being … well… funny among the many of other thousands of things you are. funny. and HIfuckinglarious. for making me and so many others laugh every. single. day.

  241. I read this yesterday afternoon and last night while I was trying to sleep I kept singing “Only a ginger can call another ginger “ginger”…Only a ginga can call another ginga “ginga.” Now I’m tired today…I blame Tim Mitchum, whoever he is.

  242. Tim Minchin is on Wikipedia so he must be famous. And don’t worry about Santa. He has always been there every time I went to the North Pole and he was never a zombie.

  243. This post cracks me up! It’s exactly the type of conversation my husband and I would have except I would probably the one going, “Tim who?” My husband is a huge music fan and he’s always talking about famous musicians and then getting irritated because I never know who the hell he’s talking about.

  245. How have I never heard of this guy?!? I’ve spent the last 2 days listening to Tim Minchin pretty much non-stop. Thank you!!! 🙂

  246. From the ashes of disaster bloom the roses of success — now more people know who this Tim Minchin person is — loved, loved, loved the song. Thank you for sharing!

  247. I just came to your blog after not checking in for a while because I’ve been having an insanely hard time and depression makes me forget everything that makes me happy, but the last three posts have made me smile 😉 I missed reading your awesomeness and I’m glad I thought of it today while I’m sitting here with my four year old who has been puking on me all day and running a fever of 104+. Thanks for just being you and never stopping. It is much appreciated.

  248. You should have your agent schedule a book signing in a town where he is at so that you can make the show after the bookstore.

  249. You are too funny. Wouldn’t you have shit your pants had he really planned on playing in that dive? You are awesome btw. Just sayin.

  250. Fun fact…..Robin Williams and Robbie Williams are not the same. Don’t waste your money on tickets thinking you are going to see a comedy show.

  252. Oh how I love you. I’m having a terrible fucking go of it lately as my depression has also reared its stupid ugly head. Tim Minchin is exactly what I needed this morning. I actually got invited to go to a very small show he did in Chicago at which everyone got drunk and had a “Pope Song” singalong.

    One of the best fucking nights of my life. Have you heard The Pope Song? (It’s very offensive and lovely.)

  254. Well there went last night and this morning. On youtube. Thanks though. I was having a hard time with random crap. Now I have someone new to listen to.
    cheers.

  257. Thank you, thank you, thank you for introducing me to the glory of Tim Minchin!! How did I never hear about him before now?!

  258. I would divorce my husband for asking me who Tim Minchin is, “White Wine in the Sun” is the only Christmas song that plays at my house!

  259. Oh, babydoll, I feel that pain. We were at the feed store and this little dive bar had John Prine on the marquee. Drove all the way out there that weekend, only to find out it was “a different John Prine.” WTF?!?

  260. As I paraphrase a line from SlingBlade… and who hasn’t seen that movie.. I mean cooooommee oooonneee one of the greatest movies ever! “He’s a weird little shit and I just don’t get him”

  262. How on earth do you even live with that kind of disappointment?!

    Yes, salt that earth, babe. Salt it good.

  263. Is it wrong that my first thought was that elves probably taste like Irish Potatoes? (For those lucky people not in the know, they’re horrid candy things sold in grocery stores in the Philadelphia area around St. Patrick’s Day. You’re not missing anything.)

    But then I thought, “No…..That would be what leprechauns taste like.”

  264. Still thinking about zombie elves. Seriously. I know the world is supposed end on December 21, but maybe the Mayans were off by a few days. What if zombie elves with or without zombie Santa take over Santa’s sleigh on Christmas Eve? That thing can get around the world in one night. That’s world-wide infection of zombie elves in one night. I thought the zombie apocalypse was going to start in Florida. Either it hasn’t reached me yet or it’s coming on Santa’s sleigh.

    But it’s not all bad news. At least your name can go down in history with Nostradamus.

  265. If you like this person, you must go to you tube and type in Stephen Lynch. He is amazingly irreverant

  266. I need to point out that there is a Christmas zombie novel, at least: Christopher Moore’s THE STUPIDEST ANGEL. There are no zombie elves, but there is a zombie in a Santa suit. And a talking fruitbat. Among other things.

  267. omg this Tim is my new favorite thing ever! er, not thing… person. singer even. how have i never heard of him before? must. google. immediately. thank you!

  268. My baby starts Kindergarten tomorrow and I’m weepy and eating dark chocolate truffles. after writing a gut-wrenching post, I needed a break. I got so excited when I thought, “I haven’t read Jenny in so long. That’ll do the trick! Pull me out of my misery, Jenny!”

    And now, I sit with an empty dark chocolate truffle box (and empty glass of wine) and tears of laughter streaming. Thank you.

  269. Usually when I read signs completely wrong, I usually think they say something sexual. Specifically something phallic… I wonder why that is.

    Still, hilarious post and awesome that you got tweeted by Minchin and not Mitchum.

    P.S. AmyG rules for mentioning the wonderful Christopher Moore!!!

  270. haha, love it!! for similar material, you should check out theforeignwife at blogspot.com hilarious!!

  271. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who dramatically requests a divorce from my husband to make a point. This post is hilarious!

  272. Love Love Love Tim Minchin!!!! Booked a holiday overseas especially to see him perform in Melbourne and SOOOO worth it!!!

  274. Hello? Storm didn’t make your list of favorite Tim Minchin bits? Or performances, rather?

  275. I love White Wine in the Sun. It made me cry the first time I heard it. And the second. I sometimes use it in teaching. I DO use his video On Human Logic to explain post hoc ergo propter hoc…

  278. OMG I am a Tim Minchin convert! Never heard of him before today, but now that I have, I feel your outrage is completely justified. Burn it down!

  280. My dogs are smothering me with kisses because they think I’m sad. No, I am laughing until tears run down my face. Your conversations with Victor are incredible but this one is off the hook. Thanks for the day brightener. Jennie & Victor – Team Laughter.

  282. I honestly feel like I’ve posted this link here before… you’ve mentioned Tim before, eh? Maybe not. Anyhow – love this song, and love his version.

    I think an online Brit friend pointed me to this song, and then I spent the rest of the afternoon youtubing his stuff, clip after clip. He’s awesome.

  283. I like the words to his songs, but can only concentrate on them if I don’t look at his hair. Uniquely distracting stuff.

  284. Let me emphasize the point that Santa was dead when I got there…so he was killed before….before I even got there. I wasn’t there…when he was killed.

  285. Not perfect has been my favorite song for a couple years now. I was so excited to learn other people in Texas even know who he is, let alone like him!! We need o start a campaign to get him down here!!!

  286. I read this Yesterday but I still have a physical reaction reading it now so I have to comment. Victor is lucky you just yelled. I would have grabbed the fucking wheel for Tim Minchin. I adore the products of his mind so very much. I also enjoy the products of your mind. I wish my mind would step up to the plate a little more…

  287. Before this week, I had no idea who Tim Minchin was! However, on the very day you posted this, that night I saw Tim Minchin for the first time on Showtime’s “The Green Room with Paul Provenza” and I said “Is this the same Tim Minchin that the Bloggess was talkinga bout?” He was pretty funny–He did a running background song for the show! Isn’t it strange how the universe conspires to make you aware of something that you NEED to know! Funny post…thanks for the intro to Tim.

  288. Oh yeah I can see where that guy would totally go to Texas and play in some honky tonk. Of course he does look like he has a death wish…could happen…keep checking signs.

  289. No, you don’t understand, I laughed so hard last night that I was crying, my side hurt, and I fell off the couch. All day today, which was rather icky, I would think of tater tot Elves and crack up laughing. Thank you.

  291. Thanks to you, I LOVE LOVE LOVE Tim Minchin. If he came to my hometown I would sell my firstborn child to meet him. Anytime I’m on YouTube, I’m pretty much just watching Tim Minchin videos.

    I told my husband that Tim Minchin is the “bomb-diggety,” and then the mom on “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” used the word “bomb-diggety” and hubs told me it didn’t bode well for me, and I need a new phrase. I refused. Sometimes hicks pick up on awesome sauce phrasing.

    And Tim Minchin really is the bomb-diggety.

  292. Thank you for the introduction to Tim Minchin! I spent two hours last night watching him on YouTube! XO!

  294. Thank you so much for turning me on to Tim Minchin. The man is fucking brilliant!!! I have been listening to White Wine in the Sun all week. Hooray!!!

  295. I read my wife these me/Victor posts. Tonight she asks, “you relate with Victor, don’t you?”. I kinda do. Thanks. I’m sure he will be thrilled he has a fan.

  296. I want you to know that i am currently living in a government bunkhouse that doesn’t have internet so i do my webbing at the local tavern in a very, very, veeerrrryyyy small town. I further want you to know that i read your blog in said tavern and literally LMAO loudly and often. It is small tavern, frequented by locals and tourists, and they all turn to stare at the girl sitting in the corner alone cackling madly at her computer. Thank you for making me a spectacle. As a side note, i also wear silver ribbon and every time i start slipping downward i remind myself that it is all a lie, thank you for that as well. It helps.

  297. Oh my… just when I think I couldn’t adore you any more, you proclaim your love for Tim!!! /swoon

    I saw him here in Brisbane earlier this year, and he was just amazing!!!

  298. Like when I got all dressed up and excited about going to see Brian Ferry, and then got there and realized it was Northern Kentucky folksinger Brian Ferry.

  299. This post made me cry a little. Because “Not Perfect” IS perfect. And so is Tim’s twitter response to you. Also, as a ginger, I know the rule: Only a ginger can call another ginger ginger. Have been a Tim fan for years and years, and I always feel like the first time I saw him perform was in Australia in 2003, but apparently I am wrong about that, according to wikipedia. Which is to be trusted above all things.

    So when your friend and mine (it’s ok that he doesn’t know it yet!) Tim Minchin books a gig at that honky-tonk, will you take photos? Or buy tickets for the adoring minions who understand both the awesomeness of “Storm” (and WHEN is Matilda coming to the US? Not that I’m in the US or anything so simple, but REALLY!) and the Unicorn Success Club (of which we totally have a chapter over here in Abu Dhabi)?

    This is the first time I’ve ever commented, and I’m gabbing on like we’re BFFs and you actually want to know what inconsequential nonsense is rampaging through my brain. I blame the Tim Minchin connection. And perhaps the wine.

    Yeah…it’s probably the wine…

  300. Holy crap, how had I never heard of Tim Minchin? You have immeasurably enriched my life in many ways, but never more so than this day.

  306. So I decided to get caught up on your blog today in my stats class. What did I learn in class? That it’s impossible to read your blog in a stats class without literally lol’ing. So thanks for the laugh and helping me get dirty looks from my prof 🙂

  307. You make me want to take therapy.
    …That probably sounds horrible. Hope I didn’t offend in any way shape or form…
    What I mean is it’s come to my attention that so many strong, funny, quirky women that I look up to, take or have taken some kind of therapy to, I don’t know, scare the living shit out of some poor professional so that you can then go on to live your amazing and inspirational lives? Yeah that sounds about right.
    I love your blog and you in general- just thought I’d share that thought.

  310. Thanks SO MUCH for “holy shitballs” … I just got dumped, and I Really, REALLY Needed That Laugh.

  313. A Facebook friend just introduced me to this blog, and this post made me laugh so hard I peed a little. Which is the most fun I’ve had so far today, so…thanks.

  314. I would have reacted the same way – only I would have jerked the wheel out of the drivers hands and then inadvertently driven us into a ditch. Then when I found out it wasn’t Minchin I would have cursed and then possibly cried. Rage tears.

  315. You introduced me to Tim Minchin, and a lot of his songs make me cry (in a good way) when I’m in the hole and can’t climb out on my own. Tim has saved me more than once, and I only have you to thank for it. Thank you so much. I love you for what you do to help people like me and you; you are truly a saint. You’ve given more miracles and lives to this world than you’ll ever know, and I thank you for being yourself and helping the rest of us.

  316. Soooo, it’s 1:41 PM on Sunday the 21st of October and I have been sitting here on the couch catching up on the bloggess and reading assorted and sundry recommendations . . . since I made myself brunch at . . . 10:30. Thankfully, I am fully caught up (and not in class laughing out loud like a previous commenter) as I have to get dressed for work, like RIGHT NOW, HOLY CRAP.

  317. Well, you’ve done it again…made me snort my coffee too early in the morning and on a Christmas topic, no less. I BLAME you that I have to change my blouse.

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