I think I’m part Vogon

In my spare time I read, watch Doctor Who, build haunted dollhouses, and write bad poetry.  Like, THE WORST poetry.  In fact, the poem I wrote today was so bad I had to run after Victor to get him to listen to the end of it and then after that he went directly to the doctor.  And that’s a record, so I thought I would share:

Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”

Janie and I went to Marcia’s shower
expecting some pre-baby fun.
We arrived at her house at the agreed upon hour
and immediately wanted to run.

Marcia’s round belly was surrounded by girls who
regaled her with tales of their labor,
while Marcia grew paler and tried to grab onto
her wits, a life raft, or a saber.

“I pooped on the table,” said plump, old Aunt Pat,
(She made it sound like a boast).
Said Tiffany-Sue: “Oh, everyone does that.”
Marcia turned white as a ghost.

“For shame, now girls,” said reserved cousin Flo,
“Who cares ’bout your old lady bits?
Babies do much more damage as they grow.
Good heavens, just look at my tits!”

Within a half-hour I needed a shower
and Marcia and Janie looked faint.
“Why, that’s nothing” said gran, who fluttered her fan,
“You should see what they did to my taint!”

Of blood and of bile they prattled on blindly,
(By now Marcia was starting to heave.)
They showed c-section scars (a little unkindly).
It was clear that we needed to leave.

The talk of the girls
caused great twisting of pearls
and left us all thinking of options.
Janie’s decided to stay on the pill,
And I’m looking into adoption.

378 replies. read them below or add one

  1. Bwahahahaha! I’m due in January… I have a feeling my baby shower might be even more graphic than this! Le sigh.

    The baby shower will be around Halloween with the theme: RIP My Poor, Poor Vagina…

    Like

    L-Diggitty recently posted jewels of the interweb (volume 35).

  2. LOLOLOLOL. Seriously, that is great!

    Like

  3. I think the title is my favorite part.🙂

    Like

  4. You should think about writing greeting cards! You know, in case the whole best-selling author thing gets old.

    Like

    Nicki recently posted The Creeps.

  5. Never did I think I would hear the word “taint” in poetry, but it was worth the wait.

    Like

  6. Nothing rhymes with “episiotomy”
    But out of context “fleas who oughtta be”

    Like

  7. Hilarious! The grandma line is classic.

    Like

    Jason Black recently posted The three worst words in fiction.

  8. I’ve never laughed so hard that I spewed a sammich out of my nose… until now. Holy canolli, that’s Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy awful! They have a whole species that would LOVE it!!!

    Like

    Queen Of All Things Good recently posted My Masochistic Tendencies.

  9. PART Vogon? At least 75%, my dear. The rest might be Ogden Nash.

    Like

    Ellie Di recently posted If you had one wish, what would it be?.

  10. This was awesome!

    Like

  11. But you would try to save your grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal…or at least I hope so

    Like

  12. What do you mean, BAD poetry? BRILLIANT!

    Like

  13. sounds about right….

    Like

  14. Lord…I nearly peed my pants (another side effect of childbirthd)!

    Like

  15. HA. Oh yes, I will be sharing this.

    Like

  16. HYSTERICAL!! And you are quite a good poet! Makes me want to run to all the pregnant ladies in the office and share. But I won’t.

    Like

    The Borg Blog recently posted Twitter Jail. Again..

  17. Well, even if you are part Vogon, you aren’t planning on destroying our planet, right? Right?

    That was actually a very funny poem. The Vogons wish they could write that badly! 🙂

    Like

    Skye recently posted Love is Not Geography.

  18. saw a onesie that said My mommy doesn’t need your advise…sound like there is a need for pregnant women as well😉

    Like

  19. Ha! I love it! And yeah, I’m pretty sure baby showers are just an excuse for the old biddies to scare the bejesus out of first timers.

    Like

    Erin recently posted Sewing with a Double Needle, or, Why Haven't I Used This for Years?.

  20. I regret my life now.

    Like

    J. Kevin Tumlinson recently posted i can't drive 85.

  21. When I questioned a friend of mine about the pains of labour when I found out I was pregnant, she said (and I quote), “It felt like they cut of my tit and made me eat it”. Quite frankly that freaked me the fuck out……I now have two kids….I’m a sadistic bitch. 🙂

    Like

  22. Victor doesn’t get it cause he’s a dude. I LOVE IT!

    Like

  23. Absolutely..100% vogon

    Like

    Lori recently posted The Whole Chicken Gay thing..

  24. Fantastic! This needs to be printed on a line of baby shower invitations immediately.

    Like

  25. That’s fantastic. You clearly need to publish a book of poetry.

    Like

  26. BRILLIANT. You may have just solved one of the greatest political debates of all times – A very wide distribution of this poem may completely end the need for abortion, because no girl who reads it will even THINK about letting any boy near her. This will please everyone on both sides of the political spectrum. Just make sure it gets distributed starting in kindergarten.

    Like

  27. Please have this illustrated and included in your next book.

    Like

  28. HA! I love it! Please make your next book an anthology of awesome poems!

    Like

    Sam recently posted This Is Almost Like A Stream Of Consciousness..

  29. I don’t know what you’re talking about, worst poetry ever. That’s a *great* poem! Rings true. 🙂

    Like

    Deborah recently posted Communication and Guilt.

  30. Love love love this!

    Like

  31. Hahah. Excellent. Minus the babyscars and taint talk this sounds like an average conversation with me and my bff.

    Like

    Shannon recently posted How I lost 40lbs and Smelled AWESOME doing it..

  32. This is freaking genius.

    Like

  33. Perhaps a notch below Vogon.

    Like

  34. They should teach girls in Health class/sex ed about the pooping and the ripping and there would be a definite decrease in the teenage pregnancy rate.

    By the way, due in March and the stories are why I am keeping my mouth shut at work until someone calls me fat to my face🙂

    Like

  35. I declare it a masterpiece! And I teach college literature courses.

    Like

  36. Worked for me.

    Like

    Karen recently posted focusing and daring greatly.

  37. Well we always knew that baby showers were the women’s equivalent to fraternity hazing.

    Like

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted T. Jin's China Diner.

  38. Disagree! This might be the best poem EVER.

    Like

  39. That is hilarious. And reminds me why I’m never having babies again. Ever.

    Like

    Cathy recently posted Nope… it’s not awesome.

  40. Yeah…first time I won’t be passing this along to my sister.🙂 She’s due in two weeks, and is already irked at the horror stories people seem to NEED to share with impending moms. What the hell is that about, anyway?

    Jess

    Like

    Jess recently posted This is not real. Is it??.

  41. That’s hilarious.
    I’m glad you shared it with us.
    (It’s better than a lot of poems I’ve read)

    Like

    Claire J recently posted Magic on the Eastern Seaboard.

  42. So not Vogon! Hilarious and why do women feel the need to tell only horror stories to pregnant ladies!

    Tell them to teenagers….this kind of thing should be done instead of sex ed (hahahah Im kidding..sort of)

    T

    Like

    Tara Wasney recently posted I got to meet Jenny Lawson and COPERNICUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

  43. That was EXCELLENT! And relayed my feelings perfectly.

    Like

  44. OMG I LOVE Vogon poetry now!!!

    Like

    Ashleigh recently posted Learning to Live with my Depression.

  45. Any poem with the word ‘tits’ is classy.

    Like

    Korinthia recently posted Art Chopped.

  46. I laughed out loud!! This was fantastic. 😉

    Like

    Kris recently posted I Love Bill Cosby.

  47. Ahahahahaha. Ahhhhh, *this* has always been why I have never considered having children. I may have to memorize this for family functions when family asks when I plan on having babies.

    Like

    Kera - Dreadnaught Darling recently posted Burning Man 2012: A Birgins Journey To Black Rock City.

  48. Yes, you’d THINK we’d all kindly lie to the mommy-to-be. “Why, no, dear; my body looks like this because I fell out of a car and was dragged behind it by my boobs.” Also, Vogan? You, Miss Jenny, are my favorite.

    Like

  49. “Episiotomy” rhymes with “knees spread widely”.
    Emily Dickinson would approve.

    Like

    Kat (@BeingMama) recently posted Choosing to stay in the shadows.

  50. This is, by far, the funniest poem I have EVER read. Thank for the best laugh of the day!

    Like

  51. So when will your new book of poetry be published? What do you mean, you haven’t written one yet? What, pray tell, are you waiting for? A formal invitation? Get going, you unbelieveably talented woman, you, YES YOU!!!!!

    Like

  52. You write great poetry too? Of course you do.

    Like

  53. Doesn’t qualify as bad poetry. The rhyme and metering are quite good. And the topic is priceless.

    Like

    Sue recently posted Bogie's got mad skillz.

  54. Tell her she’ll need more than the pill. I had a boy last March and in December, despite being on the pill (not the recalled one(s) either) I was pregnant.
    Too hilarious. This is why I’m getting my “girls” a little perked after we’re done breastfeeding. I think after 4 kiddos I deserve it. {:

    Like

    Sisifo recently posted Left to Burn.

  55. As a member of the Brotherhood of Frozen Bags of Peas (Class of 1989), I salute this poem.

    Just ordered the book, by the way, and am waiting happily for its arrival.

    And from reading the archives, I was lucky enough to find the Midwest Teen Sex Show, so I’ve got that goin’ for me.

    Like

  56. Can you start a line of greeting cards? This would be great for a baby shower gift. Especially if I was sending a gift and not attending. 🙂

    Like

  57. You are right… so true: ” Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy “

    Like

    Lillian recently posted It's "Ask" Time.

  58. Um, hello, it rhymes! That is what makes a poem good. Trust me, I have a MA in Literature – I know my shit.

    Like

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted WTF, Bubonic Plague?.

  59. I love it!! Thank goddess my grandmother never shares her labor stories….I’d never look at my grandfather the same if she did. I’m convince my mom and uncles were adopted, my grandparents never had sex!

    Like

    Rea recently posted Life cycle of a thought in my head.

  60. That’s not horrible, its GENIUS!! I love it!!!

    Like

  61. Dude. I have a picture of my own uterus before they put it back into my body. Take that, Gran.

    Like

    Kelly@Sublurban Mama recently posted Facebook Friday: Alternate Occupations.

  62. That’s possibly the greatest poem ever written.

    Fuck Keats.

    Like

    Cat @ Breakfast to Bed recently posted Wearing Suspenders in a Human Centipede..

  63. Victor doesn’t know what he’s missing! That was BEAUTIFUL! It brought a tear to my eye… Sure it was because I was laughing, but it was a tear nonetheless🙂

    Like

    Maria recently posted Day 3 - A little less 'fuck the butterflies'-y. I assume that's a good thing. And my house, in the middle of the street..

  64. Ha! Perhaps more Ambrose Bierce than Vogon. Also some Dorothy Parker if she had been allowed to be more graphic about lady parts. Well done!

    Like

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted A Compendium of Executive Severance Reviews and Notices.

  65. I seriously just added this to my Anthology of Poems that is part of my Creative Writing class project. Thank you!

    Like

  66. I think it’s fucking hysterical. Who else but you could make up a poem like this, make me read AND LIKE poetry, and have the word ‘taint’ in it? Awesome. Just good ol’ warm awesomeness.

    Like

  67. Awesome. Just awesome!

    Like

    Tish recently posted Time.

  68. This may be one of the best poems ever written.

    Like

    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted Fitness Friday: Identifying My Vital Needs.

  69. Seriously funny and seriously true

    Like

  70. If by bad you mean bad ass!

    Like

    jessie marie recently posted Sure, give me a moment to paint on my smile!.

  71. Does it rhyme with phlebotomy? Cause I think they both are going in the same direction of your are going to be messed up either way. I thought you going Vegan, lol.
    -Gina-

    Like

  72. I don’t think Victor was running from your poetry (because it rocks!) – I think you skeered him with too much ‘pink parts’ truths.
    I love your poems – keep them coming….

    Like

  73. Bad??? It’s AWESOME… like Shel Silverstein, but for sick, twisted adults instead of sick, twisted kids.

    Like

  74. Hey I’m not writhing in pain! My ears aren’t bleeding.
    Any Vogon blood you have isn’t enough to “taint” the waters of your prose. Or get you any government benefits…

    Like

    Heather recently posted My Brain Off Drugs.

  75. 79
    Claudette Turdici

    I LOVE it!

    Like

  76. I’m pretty sure I’d faint if I heard my Grammy utter the word “taint”. Then I’d have to scrub it from my brain.

    Like

    Alyssa S. recently posted On being six and learning to pick your friends.

  77. I could not stop thinking about Shel Silverstein as I read this. With some of his line-drawing illustrations? This would be an unstoppable seller! Especially if you could make a whole book of Sarah Samantha Sylvia Stout type poems about the process of raising children.

    Like

  78. I JUST put the thank-you cards for my baby shower in the mail today. I wish I’d seen this post sooner, I would have begged you to let me include copies of this poem in with my cards!! What a great laugh :):)

    Like

  79. Lol. I dreaded my baby shower and hubby had to come get me and drag me to my shower cause I loath girly stuff like that, and crowds. Oddly, it was not too bad because my nest friend hosted/planned it and she “gets” me. It was the most tolerable baby (or for that matter, wedding, graduation ,wake, etc) shower/party I have ever had to suffer, I mean go, to.
    I need that poem and wish I was pregnant rigjt now…it would go in my shower invitation.

    I also meed glasses and so I read that you were almost vegan and so I thought perhaps you had such a traumatic PTSD level wearing-a-dead-deer flashback that you had gone vegan.

    Like

    opinion8dhermit aka g davies recently posted There's a Shooter.

  80. This is my first response to one of your blogs. Sheer awesomsauce! Am expecting my first grandbaby and would love to share, but baby’s momma is on my FB account and it feels almost evil to do so.

    What the hey, I’m going for it!

    Like

  81. That poem is the best birth control ever.
    Sell it to some Republicans.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted I want to win a Blogroll Contest.

  82. Vogon! I get it!!

    Sounds like granny had a 4th degree tear. That happened to a friend of mine. She loves telling that story. My ovaries shrank into my ribcage after that.

    Like

  83. When are you going to show us some of your BAD poetry?

    Like

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted A Trip to the Zoo.

  84. I will be reading your poem at every baby shower I go to from now on. Anything with the word “taint” in it is just pure freaking genius!

    Like

    Nora recently posted Like a dude. Really??.

  85. Amazing.

    That is all.

    Like

  86. That was great! My daughter is at her 40 week appointment right now. I can’t wait to show this to her! I hope she laughs so hard, we can hold our grandson tomorrow!

    Like

  87. Oh Freddled Gruntbuggly…

    Seriously, yours is better🙂

    Like

    Cobblestone recently posted Tuesday Motorway Music™, September 4 – going for an autumn on the rapid spin cycle.

  88. I had to google “episiotomy.” I would NOT recommend that anyone else does the same.

    Other than that, it’s like you’re in my head.

    Like

  89. Hilarious! Have to say, I think this ranks right up there with the BEST poems I’ve ever read😉

    Like

    Heather recently posted It’s Beginning to Feel A Lot Like the Season for Screaming.

  90. best. poem. ever.

    Like

  91. That was very Seuss-ical of you! Loved it!

    Like

  92. I KNEW there was a reason I never had children…

    Like

  93. While gulping the baby shower kool-aid that makes many women immediately desire pregnancy, my friends and I decided to make a pregnancy pact. You know, like the ones girls make in high school where they clearly don’t have any adults in their lives and then they take a picture in the school bathroom with their GEDs and duck faces and big bellies? Except we’re going to take the picture in a public restroom with our college diplomas because we’re highly over-educated. I’m pretty excited about this picture.
    Anyway, if this all pans out, I believe this poem may end up being framed at each one of their showers. And I’m going to share it with the first timers now, because I think it just about sums up how they feel every time they talk to me. I should really apologize for that…

    Like

  94. Wow. That was impressively horrible, and yet a rather accurate depiction of baby showers.

    In other news, it might interest you to know that John Barrowman seems to have difficulty keeping his pants on. /ThingsILearnedAtDragonCon

    Like

    Danielle St. John recently posted On Unemployment, or What Am I Doing With My Life.

  95. Lobotomy rhymes with episiotomy. Just sayin’.

    And I love this poem.

    Cheers!

    Like

  96. I didn’t think there would ever be a tasteful way to use the word “taint”, and YOU PULLED IT OFF.
    That’s what I call a win.

    Like

    Banana Stickers recently posted “Emotional Aneurysms”. Because the original title to this was lame as hell..

  97. “penis far from me” sounds like episiotomy 🙂

    Like

    Mamie recently posted Project 333 Making Pigs Fly.

  98. 103
    David Cutler

    It might not scan quite perfectly, but you can’t read it without laughing and wondering when Ogden Nash got so playfully dirty.

    Like

  99. 104
    Imperfectmomma

    Holy crap… did you go to my baby shower? Lol hysterical

    Like

    Imperfectmomma recently posted My little parrot.

  100. I freaking love you. There’s really nothing more I can say (except now I feel way cooler that this is sorta like the poetry I’m prone to writing, and if yours is so funny, maybe there’s hope for me?).

    Like

    Lindsey recently posted The 30 Day Commitment...Again.

  101. And THIS is why I hate babyshowers and remain on the pill – because it’s ALL TRUE!

    Like

  102. Best. Poem. Ever. (Because it had the word taint, and you just cannot find that in an anthology.)

    Like

    Betty Fokker recently posted Well, duh..

  103. One of my aunts was in labor for 35 hours. She only had the one child!

    Like

  104. MOTHER GRUBBING BRILLIANT. I’m going to freak the shit out of my kids and slip this into Where the Sidewalk Ends!

    Like

    Gina recently posted Mia's 1st Day of 4K!.

  105. Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”

    Ahhhhhh, I see what you did there. 🙂 LOVED IT.

    Like

  106. 111
    Sarah Fowler

    Great poem, and so true.

    Did you know there’s a reason women poop on the table when they give birth? Babies are born without immunities, and getting their mom’s excrement on their skin imparts the immunities in her gut to the baby. It actually could make your baby sick if you DON’T poop on them, so that’s another one of God’s lovely little gifts with a sense of humor attached.🙂

    Like

  107. I think my tubes just tied themselves.

    Like

    GurlNxtDoor recently posted And Then I Almost Rage-Quit the Internet.

  108. Awesome. This will now be shared with every pregnant woman I know🙂

    Like

  109. Oh God, my shower was JUST LIKE THIS!

    Like

  110. Brilliant! Genius! I love your poetry!

    Like

  111. HAHAHAHA!! I LOVE it!!

    Like

  112. Lol, so insane, I love it. If you put together a collection of these I would buy it😛 It’s the kind of thing I would sit around and read aloud with my friends.

    Like

    Mandy recently posted "Special".

  113. I feel this should be read again once I’m home and have access to my bongo drums.

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Zombie Apocalypse: Homeland Security Edition.

  114. I really don’t know why I try to drink a soda anymore when reading your posts. It all just comes back out. You ma’am, are wasting my soda money!!!! I of course had to re-read it three times.

    Like

  115. Alrighty then, as fun as sex is, abstinence is now my new best friend. VIRGIN SLUMBER PARTY!

    Like

    Christine recently posted Canadian Feature Friday - Where we Won't Cut off your Arms. Cause we're Nice People..

  116. You’re adopting?? That’s fantastic!!

    Like

  117. This wasn’t horrible, it was brilliant!

    I agree with the person who said you could have a career in greeting cards (when the whole best-selling author thing becomes a bore).

    Rock on, Jenny!

    Like

    MsDarkstar recently posted Window Shopping (via the Internet!).

  118. BEST. POEM. EVER.
    I am happily childfree (by choice) and while I like kids, I always feel completely lost when surrounded by mothers talking about childbirth. I just sort of nod and smile.

    Like

    Madfishmonger recently posted Natural Hemp with Wooden Beads and Stone Bear by madfishmarket.

  119. Oddly enough, for the first time in maybe 15 years, today I used a Vogon reference. Then yours popped up. If I see a third today I’ll take it as a sign. Of what, I guess I’ll find out. By the way, your poem has a certain kind of je ne sais quoi. While you ladies get to actually create life, (which is totally gross) for me and my fellow males, we got the long end of the stick. Everyday. To admire at the very least, and enjoy to it’s fullest extant at best.

    We get to enjoy the best a lot.

    A lot.

    Like

    Eric recently posted How to Keep Your Marriage Sane.

  120. this needs to be made into a greeting card!

    Like

  121. As funny as the poem was (elbowed my imaginary friend beside me while cackling with laughter kind of funny!)
    it was even funnier imagining Victor doing the ol’ dodge and weave to get out of the house while you’re catapulting over furniture chasing him as you recite your poem.
    My imaginary friend points out that there is something that rhymes with Episiotomy but the bastard won’t tell me.

    Like

    Melissa M recently posted Will never look at Thumper and Flipper quite the same again.

  122. 127
    Scarlett Angell

    I think you can make a case for ‘lobotomy’ rhyming with ‘episiotomy’…I always wondered why this little ritual of scaring the crap out of expectant mothers occurs…I LOVED this poem…

    Like

  123. It’s beautiful because it’s true.

    Like

  124. That wasn’t awful. it was awesome!

    Like

  125. I’m really surprised that brothers and sisters exist. If men had children, everyone would be an only child.

    I’m terrified of getting kidney stones because I know women who have been through labor and had a kidney stone, and they say the pain is comparable.

    Like

    Heretic Husband recently posted Privileged? Who, me?.

  126. Terrific poem … but that Haunted Doll House?? Totally the coolest thing ever! My kids would love it!!

    Like

  127. You are right–that is awful–awful funny that is.

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Changed the header to reflect the truth of this blog.

  128. 133
    Katie Keckeisen

    Fuck what anyone else says, that is the best poem EVER. Take that, Robert Frost!

    Like

  129. BEST. POEM. EVER. Why? Because it has the word “taint” in it, of course.

    Like

  130. The BEST worst poem ever!

    Like

    Cindy ~ The Reedster Speaks recently posted 14 Years Sober..

  131. That was pure genius and so very funny! and so very true of baby showers!

    Like

  132. HAhahhahaha – I love you & everything you write!
    I can’t tell you how many times you’ve made my day🙂
    PS – hope you’re feeling much better these days too!

    Like

  133. love that vogon reference. but this is no ‘ode to a small lump green putty i found in my armpit one midsummer morning’. your limerick is full of rich imagery. it expresses the terrible shock of when we as women find out, once again that we have been fed a bunch of bullshit on how miraculous it is to be a woman. remember when you couldn’t wait to get your period? i personally would like to read more on shit like that.

    Like

  134. You don’t write bad poetry, you write funny poetry. I laughed out loud reading this:)

    Like

  135. If my baby shower turns this direction, all will be told unceremoniously to fuck off.

    Like

    Karen Sanders recently posted A List.

  136. Ohhh my goodness!!! This poem belongs on a card, or something….*LOL* too funny!!

    Like

  137. I’m a labor and delivery nurse, out raising my own taint-busters haha, and I instantly wanted to rush back to the old L&D unit to post this one in the employee bathroom, next to the placenta spaghetti sauce recipe! Maybe it’s not for everyone, but for someone who has delivered so many a’babies, it was brilliant! 🙂

    Like

    Vanessa recently posted And I stared bacon in the face....

  138. Yesterday, I was adoring my friend’s 5 week old baby boy while my confidence in the whole “I never want to have a baby” stand was wavering. Today, I remember EXACTLY why I never want to have a baby😛

    Like

    Whitney recently posted I’m This Kind of Crazy:.

  139. LOVE IT!!!!

    Like

  140. THIS IS AWESOME!

    And because I cannot shout with glee about this on Facebook (where all the extended family who were not told of the likelihood of such reside), my sister DOES NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER!! I’ve spent the last few hours laughing and crying with her and omg, IT’S NOT CANCER!!

    Like

  141. That is AWESOME! Right up my alley!

    Like

  142. At last, a Vogon with a sense of humor! Please, spare our world!

    Here’s my effort:

    All too often childbirth
    Requires an episiotomy
    Cause lady parts aren’t elastic
    And they damn well oughta be

    Like

    carmen webster buxton recently posted Amazon came through!.

  143. The sick part of me thinks that this should be posted (or otherwise available) at all reproductive health centers. People could read it before their retrievals and transfers.

    Like

    Seanna Lea recently posted fe fi FO fum... yeah, I finished something!.

  144. That was so perfect! This has happened to me many times….but at the lunch table at work. I just can’t stomach all the discussion. I swear it makes my knees work like MAGNETS to each other. 😉

    Thanks for sharing. Truly awesome!

    Like

    Kristen @ The Balanced Bowl recently posted Chopsticks and School Books.

  145. Sincerely, Jenny, this poem needs to be beZazzled!

    ~EdT.

    Like

    EdT. recently posted Photo-a-Day: Such Nerve!.

  146. Holy sweet honourable Christ!!!

    My eyes! My imagination! My va-jay-jay!!! They all hurt now….

    This poem, the horror that goes along with it, and my own personal rules are why I have chosen to NOT have my own children. My Womb. My Rules!!!

    http://www.1qtnewf.com/2011/08/my-womb-my-rules.html

    Like

    Jennifer recently posted How to get over a potato chip addiction..

  147. OMG! That was a laugh I needed so badly. Thank you so much. And now, I think, I’ll never have children.

    Like

    Eri recently posted Whelp.....

  148. I can’t imagine ever getting tired of that poem.

    Like

    Mom Off Meth recently posted The kids will grow and go..

  149. You must make baby shower cards with this. It can have the weasle on the outside. “My body is ruined!”

    Like

  150. I’ve heard MUCH worse poetry, Jenny.. Seriously!
    At any rate, The Doctor rocks! Did you catch the first new episode since the break? it was mind-blowing!
    Moving on: you recently wrote about your soul-crushing depression… You want to talk depression? My book barely has a PULSE, never mind still being on the NYT list after 4 months! NO ONE outside of my little home in the Niagara region gives a fuck about my work; of course, I know they have no reason to in the first place, but COME ON! “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” describes my entire writing career so far…
    I tell you what, Bloggess, I have a proposal for you: come up with some kind of crazy stunt for me to pull – short of breaking any laws, I’ll do WHATEVER you want – and I’ll do it, providing you review my book and give me your honest opinion and a blurb.
    I don’t expect you’ll see this or respond, but if you do, get creative and give The Hook a challenge worthy of the reward, okay?
    P.S. I’m going to repeat this message, as I’m sure you don’t have the time to actually read every comment. Hopefully, sooner or later, I’ll make contact and we can talk business.
    Talk to you soon, I hope!

    Like

  151. Absolutely fantastic!! I thought about sharing this on the Birth Without Fear page, but I think it might scare all the pregnant ladies lol I love it!

    Like

    Bailey recently posted EEG's and Sleep Deprivation.

  152. Ok, I’ll be the ass-hat (unless someone beat me to it…).

    Nothing rhymes with “episiotomy”

    How about Daddy-stitchery…
    😉

    Like

  153. Thank God I’ll never have to go through childbirth. Personally, I don’t know why Victor was running from you. It’s a pretty good poem if you ask me.

    Like

    Courtney recently posted You’re not a good neighbor, State Farm..

  154. Lobotomy rhymes.

    Like

  155. 161
    Mikki Blueyes

    Having been to many a baby shower, I know all this poem is true. And it cracks me up, and reminds me why I continue to be child-free by choice. But no one has compared the beauty, rhyming, and humor of it yet to “The Cremation of Sam McGee” by Robert W. Service. Once you read that Jenny, you will see that your poem is not horrible, but GENIUS and a fabulous piece of literature to be cherished.

    Like

  156. bloody brilliant.

    and i mean bloody.

    Like

  157. Hilarious! I really love the title.🙂

    Like

  158. I write bad poetry, too!

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Ouija, Lockdown.

  159. That was amazing. And gave me more material for my “reasons not to have children” file. Thank you.

    Like

    SarcasticNinja recently posted It's Tough to Be the Queen - Part 2.

  160. hmmm… maybe “sneezed it outta me”? although we all know that’s bullshit, right there.

    Like

    Bernadette recently posted My Time Is Not Mine Own.

  161. While not the best poetry I’ve ever read, it’s funny and perfectly timed.
    I have a baby shower to attend on Sunday, another in a few months (the first’s sister is also knocked up) and I am due in March.

    Like

    Kristina recently posted 9 Weeks.

  162. I consider myself fairly well-read and intelligent. I didn’t know what “Episiotomy” was. So I googled it.
    Many pictures appeared instantaneously. I may have vomitted a little in my mouth. I am now packing up my bags to go home because I am quite sure the IT police at our firm are on their way up to charge me with…. something. Between that search and the one I did earlier…..I’m sure I have violated some sort of moral codes.
    (I thought I had a loose strand of hair on my cleavage today. It wasn’t. It was a spider. I have spent the afternoon obsessively looking down my top because I have the “shadow crawlies”. I thought there must be a term for that type of OCD. I couldn’t find one.).

    Like

  163. Jenny, I don’t know how much or how often you read these comments but if you are checking them out today (Friday 9/7) go over to Google. They have a Star treck 46th anniversary Doodle and it is so cool!!!!!
    When you play with the doodle it goes to different scenes (Tribbles and Gorn)! Oh, and turn on the sound!!!!!

    Like

  164. ROFL! You *are* a poet!

    Like

  165. episiotomy:
    sought to be
    thought it oughta be

    best poem ever! I agree that baby showers are like fraternity hazing, once you are at the shower stage there is no turning back, they may as well show clips from the movie Alien or The Fly because for a first timer it is that fucking foreign.

    Like

  166. I adore this. So much so that I’m going to share it on Facebook. At which point we’ll learn if Grandma knows what “taint” means.

    Like

  167. Definitely more Ogden Nash than Vogon. Not once did my own intestine try to strangle my brain whilst reading your ode. 🙂

    Like

  168. Fantastic and I just know you will turn it into a dear little card.

    Like

  169. jenny – are you there? knock, knock. i know you’re in there. i have a stuffed wolf made of rabbit for you. i was at your minneapolis reading. i gave you a business card with my info (it was black and shiny). i need to know where to ship the wolf. my husband does not find this wolf made of rabbit sleeping in bed with us humorous. (just kidding. i sleep on the couch. i wouldn’t want to crowd the wolf.) please email me……angela.

    Like

  170. Okay. HILARIOUS. And disgustingly TRUE. Unfortunately. I hate when women get like that…

    Like

  171. Maybe 30% Vogon….sex Ed classes should teach the reality of pregnancy. If more girls knew that popping out a kid means vagina rips and pooping on a table in front of strangers our teenage birth rate would be way lower. Or maybe higher. I don’t know what teenagers are into these days….

    Like

    Megan recently posted It's not bad spelling, it's a love for Gary Larson.

  172. You’re much better at bad poetry than I am. Too funny. I always loved the wive’s tales everyone threw at me when I was pregnant: don’t lift your arms or it’ll strangle the baby, chocolate is toxic to your fetus, etc.

    Like

  173. OMG! Your Vogon poetry had me in tears!!!!!!!

    Like

    Flabbergasted Mom recently posted Pirate booty.

  174. Grandma is a classsic and of course the title is so very true.

    Like

    Mexmom recently posted What teeth cleaning and parenting have in common?.

  175. oh sweet Jesus, that’s totally what happened to me the whole time my pregnancy, not episiotomy’s, but ever Mother telling you every horror story ever. I have of course, started doing it to my pregnant friends. I AM EVIL. I’ll never forget when I asked whether it would be worth it having a mirror, and you told me,”it’s like watching your cagina blow a meat bubble.”

    Like

  176. Vagina, not cagina, I don’t have one of those, I swear.

    Like

    Rudy recently posted 28 weeks, 7 months and quilting your face off.

  177. Brava, darling! Brava!

    Like

  178. You saved my day! I was having a hard battle of depression over only being able to have one kid despite always having wanted a large family. This totally brightened my day!🙂 Thanks!

    Like

  179. Any chance the store might sell a “Victor Lawson 2016” bumper sticker?

    Like

  180. Well, I just loved it🙂 But what’s a taint? Do I have one? I’ve had three children, should I worry??
    Aside from that, I did love it, and thanks for sharing!

    Like

  181. Adoption is the way to go. I have no scars, no horror stories (about my body), and my tits still look great. Oh, correction. My tit looks great. Maybe if I had gestated a baby and then breast fed it, I might not have lost a breast to cancer. So, there’s an upside.

    Like

    ScarletTerri recently posted A Couple of Days of Productivity.

  182. The title reference MADE MY LIFE. Forever. I love you.

    Like

    Suzanne recently posted Sunshiny Days.

  183. 189
    Alicia Hathorne

    That is NOT bad poetry. Dorothy Parker would have been proud to write that.

    Like

  184. 190
    Some other Jennifer

    During the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I had a ‘boyfriend’ for whom I wrote a loooong and awful love poem. Once school started, I submitted it for the student writing magazine the school put out each year. I didn’t know how bad it was, I was 13, leave me alone.

    Three years later, I walked into art class to find that someone had written the entire monstrosity up on one of the less-used chalkboards (I’M OLD! BITE ME!) and signed their name to it. For a fraction of a second I was deeply offended, but then I read the thing for the first time since it had been ‘published’.

    “Nope,” I thought. “They can have it. In fact, they just did the equivalent of taking credit for someone else’s public fart. I’m actually kind of grateful.” And I wrote down their name, in case I might ever have the chance to do them a favor as well.

    No I didn’t, that’s a lie. They’re on their own next time they fart in public.

    Like

  185. One more thing:

    “Give me a labotomy” half-rhymes with “episiotomy.” Half-rhymes are a thing; ask Shakespeare.

    Like

  186. One more thing. Give me a labotomy half-rhymes with episiotomy. Half-rhymes are a thing. Ask Shakespeare.

    Like

  187. So you saved the ‘taint’ reference for ol’ granny, huh? If MY grandma had known what a taint was, well… we would have been much closer, I’m sure. She was a lady-like type who would discreetly distribute copies of “Our Bodies, Our Selves” to all the female cousins in the family. I guess that’s almost as awesome as knowing what a ‘taint’ is.🙂

    Like

    Kristen Mae recently posted Say Something Nice to Me.

  188. You are the Dr. Seusse of the impending pappoose. Bravo!

    Like

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Sometimes All It Takes Is A Japanese Beer.

  189. Episiotomy rhymes with Gitoffame … Don’t you think?

    Like

  190. That is actually tremendous! Laugh out loud funny and you kept a good meter! At a bad poetry slam jam and stitch n bitch that we held a few years back, I brought out this gem.
    An Ode to my thigh

    Oh great blobulous goodness
    Oh sweet shudder with each step
    Oh magnificent sweetness
    Of each cellulite moment.

    Never go away great love of mine
    Hairy and pallid and oh so fine.
    I love you, you magnificent bastard.

    Now that’s some shit right there.

    Like

  191. 197
    When I Blink

    I’m a poet, and I give it my stamp of approval.

    Also: Poor Marcia.

    Like

    When I Blink recently posted The Stunning News No One Saw Coming.

  192. That is Hilarious. Love it! Why I think it’s a brilliant poem! Lol

    Like

  193. I think you should write an entire book of poems. And perhaps entitle it something to the effect of: Jenny The Bloggess kicks poetry’s ass. or Jenny Lawson: Makes vagina scars funny via poems.

    I think it could be your next best seller.

    Like

    Tanya recently posted Letters to my Day: Volume 2.

  194. awesome.

    Like

    craftytammie recently posted quiltcon blocks!.

  195. This should be hanging in every high school girl’s washroom. Just saying.

    Like

    Andrea recently posted Tampons are not toys.

  196. ROFLMAO! Thank you Jenny!

    Like

  197. 203
    elaine kurpiel

    OMG THat was one great poem. Brought back so many memories that I had successfully buried years ago. Only, and I mean ONLY,a woman could possibly understand, remember, and laugh. Most men run away from it. Thanks, Jenny. You make me laugh through my tears.

    Like

  198. My taint smells like lilacs.

    Just kidding – it smells like cheese.

    Like

    Delfin Joaquin Paris III recently posted This Was Written In The Nude.

  199. Okay, I woke up early today. So far I’ve discovered Geek bras, the Star Trek google doodle and now this!
    Is it officially Awesome Day?

    I may never sleep in again.

    or maybe not.

    Like

  200. i so regret googling episiotomy at work…

    Like

  201. You forgot to add the part of how the child comes shooting out like a snot rocket, while ripping you from top to bottom because of your uncontrollable vomiting in place of the more gentle pushes.

    Like

  202. 208
    Some other Jennifer

    Andrea of andreamulderslater.com has an excellent point, this should be in every high school girls’ bathroom. Zazzle up a poster of that bad boy, and we can buy copies to donate to local schools.

    Like

  203. haha! I have 3 kids (glutton for punishment I suppose) and have had both vaginal, complete with double episiotomy, and c-section, with crossing scars that caused nerve damage. I can say, everything wrong to your body pregnancy contributes to, I must have had happen. And then, 2 of the little buggers didn’t want to come out, so I was carrying for more than full term…I am so happy to NEVER go through it again and happy to share with anyone expecting.

    Like

    Melodie recently posted Am I Autistic too?.

  204. I used to work in an all female office with 15 women…if even one of them was pregnant then this was the daily WORK conversation. (that was 17 years ago…i’m still childless).

    Like

  205. This is the fucking best poetry I’ve ever read in my life. Totally why I’m never having kids.

    Like

    Adrasteia recently posted I'm so glad this had a happy ending.

  206. Dude, you just cured my sneezing sniffling allergies. Snorting diet coke out of your nostrils works way better than Claritin or Allegra!

    Like

  207. rings true with me, and I think it is funny! Maybe you have to be someone with girlie bits to appreciate it.

    Like

  208. Liar! That’s not a bad poem, it’s an awesome one😀

    Like

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted If you like it then you shoulda faked your own death and THEN put a ring on it....

  209. LOVE it! best poem I’ve ever heard. EVER!

    Like

  210. I laughed SO hard. It reminds me of the stories I heard at my friend’s baby shower. I’m glad I adopted.🙂

    Like

  211. I think this can go right alongside Garfunkel & Oates’ classic song, “Pregnant Women are Smug”!!

    Like

  212. This poem’s quite good,
    True – Shakespeare it ain’t,
    But what genius usage
    Of the word “taint”

    Thank you for describing an experience I have had (and have been part of) in rhyme.

    Like

  213. Why wasn’t this poem included in the book?
    Oh right, she just wrote it🙂

    Like

    Lectus recently posted Thank God It's Friday!.

  214. Definitely not part Vogon! Love🙂

    Like

  215. Since we culturally have this silent unspoken agreement not to say anything about what it’s really like so we don’t scare off the potential mothers, I won’t add that giving birth feels like trying to shit a pumpkin. That poem made me chuckle, awesome work🙂

    Like

    imp the sane recently posted i is for intermittent, internet, intelligence, and illiteration..

  216. Victor OBVIOUSLY doesn’t understand good poetry.

    And I thought nothing would rival the discussion of the “goody bag” I received at my bridal shower with the requisite comments from 70+-year old women, which included statements like “I didn’t know they came in colors!!!” My mortification was complete.

    Like

  217. Best. Poem. Ever. Where were you when I was forced to study this stuff in high school??

    Like

  218. And I thought I was the Queen of Bad Poetry. I doff my hat to you! And by hat I mean this one:

    http://www.etsy.com/listing/105985023/silver-dalek-ear-flap-hat

    Like

    judy recently posted Giveaway!!!! Are You Feeling Plum Lucky Today?.

  219. Bwahahahahaha! I scared my hubby laughing at this poem. 😉

    Like

    Alyssa recently posted Time for some fun.

  220. For the record, not everyone shits themselves during childbirth.

    Like

    Jen Maselli recently posted Hey! I knew I left that blog somewhere..

  221. This was hilarious and chock full of exceedingly useful information.

    I don’t often write poetry, but when I do, it is almost always in the form of painfully bad limericks directed toward my ovaries and their uncanny ability to up and explode every once in a while.

    For example:
    AHEM (clears throat)

    There once was a hateful left ovary,
    who thought its host was living life too jovially.
    So that motherfucker burst,
    and the girl, how she cursed,
    then decided she was feeling too soberly.

    So she drank a shit ton of whiskey.

    *Bows*

    Like

    Lauren@FilingJointly recently posted “I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'Because I'm not myself you see.”.

  222. I fucking love you.

    Like

    Jen Tidwell recently posted PAX-ified.

  223. Now THAT’S my kind of poem. You certainly have a way with words.

    Like

    Marie recently posted HELP! I Can’t Get My Skyrim Wife To Put Out..

  224. LOL! yep, never having children🙂

    Like

  225. Hahahaha! I wish I had your poetry writing skills, madam.

    Like

    Yetisaurus recently posted You Guys Are Samurai.

  226. Is labor as painful as the baby shower? Because that sounds bad enough.

    Like

    Stacey recently posted True Colors.

  227. 233
    Lynne Thomas

    Brilliant!

    Like

  228. 234
    Elizabeth Grace

    Bahahaha! The poem is funny but it’s NOT funny or kind when women do that to each other. I’ve had it done to me & it’s better when a friend breaks most of that stuff to you kindly. Some things, I’m afraid you have to learn “in the moment”. Next time, I suggest a Valium before virtually any kind of shower.

    Like

  229. You had me at Vogon.
    Personally, that is how I’ve always felt about babies, having babies, and showers of any sort. Yuck. How annoying. Then again, I don’t claim to be a poetry afficionado.

    Like

    Red recently posted Love Hurts.

  230. Yours may be the only poetry I actually enjoy (and I do, so very much. )😀

    Like

  231. Bad poetry? I think that’s the best freakin’ poetry I’ve ever read!

    Like

  232. Hmmm. What rhymes with “effulgent?”

    Like

  233. I. Love. It! Limericks are great, but a whole poem?! AMAZING!!!

    Like

  234. Uhhh, yeaahh.
    I’ve got to say the whole baby/pain thing is pretty boring. Everyone thinks their story is unique–like women haven’t been having babies for thousands of years.
    “Golly gee, I bet I’m the first woman EVER to _______.” (just fill in the blank w/ your complaint).

    Like

  235. Oh my god, that is amazing. I didn’t even think I liked poetry, but I definitely like yours. (Bawdy limericks should totally make a comeback.)

    Like

  236. Is it wrong that I want this to be required reading for all teen girls?

    Like

    Natalie recently posted And Then I Ended Up on a Gang's Hit List.

  237. I call them the “birth horror stories” that seem to be the right of passage for all new moms. It is one of those things you don’t know about until it is too late. After having my two kids, I think I have heard all the versions of these stories from every mom I know. It’s kind of like the big fish stories I suppose men tell each other (or whatever else they may discuss…I don’t want to know) – the stories get wilder and more ridiculous with each telling. I don’t understand why women do this to each other except being some kind of strange “one-up-manship” showing that my birth experience was worse than yours sort of thing. I am just happy I had two happy healthy children and I never never want to go through any of it again!!! Anyway, I liked the poem. Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  238. Thank You. I needed that.

    Like

  239. I think it’s great! I have a friend giving birth as we speak. I’ll show her your poem in a year or two, it’ll be funny then.

    Like

  240. @L-Diggitty (first comment on the post), I’m so having a halloween themed pregnancy for whatever girl I let have my children. That is awesome.

    Bloggess, excellent poem. I may have to start poem-ing myself to try and match your awesomeness. A hat tip and a flick of the peen to you.

    Like

    Not exactly Saint Michael recently posted Death of a Fantasy.

  241. That is freaking hilarious! Now you need to do a whole book of them. I’d certainly buy one!

    Like

  242. Love it! The real scary parts of having children aren’t even in those threats. Well played.

    Like

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Married Sex After Children.

  243. Fantastic! Is there no end to your talent?🙂

    Like

    Brenna recently posted Maybe this will save my TV.

  244. Note to self: never read Jenny while drinking something — or put a tarp over computer and keyboard to avoid “spillage.”

    Like

  245. This is so funny. I hope to see a book of poetry in the future.

    Like

    Lily from It's A Dome life recently posted 1 out of 1 Fathers Prefers Changing Diapers To Jillian Michaels.

  246. fantastic! thank you, I needed a laugh today!

    Like

  247. So funny and so true. Brings back memories of my pregnancy and labor. The first thing I did in between contractions was get an enema. That was my biggest fear: pooping on the table in front of my husband. Little did I know I would have bigger problems than that down the line. Thx for the poem!!

    Like

    Becki Jolly recently posted TV Review: The New Normal.

  248. I snorted, I gagged, I held my breath, I teared up, I laughed till I peed, and all that before I read past the title.
    I gotta say I LOVE YOU and thank you!

    Like

  249. Having recently popped one out. I understand ….

    Like

    Brandy recently posted Excuses, excuses!.

  250. LOL!
    That poem needs to be sent along with invitations to baby showers to tell the ladies to keep their horror stories to themselves.

    Like

  251. You are my hero.

    Like

  252. That deserves a chapter in What To Expect When You’re Expecting! Divine, Diva Jen!

    Like

  253. Vogon Prostetnic Jeltz would be THRILLED to put his name on that!!!

    Brava! Brava!

    Like

  254. Ha, ha, ha!! Loved this. Crap poetry indeed.
    I’m so glad I’m in menopause.

    Like

    Kathleen Cassen Mickelson recently posted First Five Fragments for Friday.

  255. Oh my goodness! Just shared this with all the ladies in my pregnancy group (we are all due in December), and my mom. My mom thought it was great (and she’s quite conservative)!

    Like

  256. I’m sure there’s SOMETHING that rhymes with episiotomy…but nobody wants to see that word in poetry either😉

    Me? I might just stick with dogs.

    Like

    Jen recently posted Smiling Blue Skies Walk to End Canine Cancer ~ Toronto.

  257. I think you need to pitch your poetry to Hallmark.

    Like

    Emiliy recently posted And my face hasn’t even frozen like that yet….

  258. Hilarious🙂
    It makes me think of my birth story…god, it didn’t go well. I scare my pregnant friends and have vowed to never mention it again (not that I’ve ever overshared thank goodness).
    I will just let them find out in their own time that it’s not all sunshine and unicorns😉
    x

    Like

    Kez recently posted Let me tell you a SHORT story..

  259. Au contraire, this may be the finest poem I’ve ever read.

    Like

  260. 268
    My kids all have fur

    Maybe no Chaucer, but dead. straight. ON!

    Like

  261. Public service announcement: this is why you should have a coed baby shower. I’ve heard childbirth horror stories at every all-female baby shower I’ve ever been to, but I’ve never heard anyone tell one at a shower where men are present.

    Like

    Laura @ Unlikely Explanations recently posted How to Eat Fruit.

  262. 270
    Chelsye Garrett

    Fecking genius. Bravo.

    Like

    Chelsye Garrett recently posted Paris Wallpapers.

  263. I’m pregnant with my 3rd right now so all pregnancy/labor humor gets my undivided attention. I LOVED this. You’re so right, it’s all so true and freaky and so disgustingly true!! Thanks for the laugh, as always!

    Like

  264. Anything with gran and taint in the same line is pure magic in my book. The world of limerick writing is largely unexplored. There’s gold there. Mine that shit, baby.

    Like

    Joules recently posted Hugs Can Heal. So Can Reform..

  265. Rhymes with “Episiotomy”

    “My gynie recommends some things,
    Like an episiotomy,
    And when my legs are spread like wings,
    Oh, my! He sees a lotta me!”

    Like

  266. oh my, jesus fing christ. you might just be the funniest lady I know. I’m not even sure, bla de bla de bla. I’m going to have to reassess how funny “we” are, but I’m ptretty sure you won. Thanks for making me laugh, over and over again. here’s to happy times, happy times……

    Like

  267. So great to have you back and in rare form🙂

    Like

  268. didn’t see way to send link via email, so here: you may laugh or cry at these poorly stuffed animals http://www.lostateminor.com/2012/09/07/man-these-are-some-really-badly-stuffed-animals/

    Like

  269. That was great! Friggin’ funny!

    I can see why it would chase any guy out of the room though.

    Wuss!

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted Beyond Precocious.

  270. I think it’s perfectly fabulous! It needs to be forever preserved in cross-stitch and hung on B&B walls around the land!

    Like

    Kerstin P recently posted Babies suck!.

  271. 279
    Betty Fernau

    That was the best poem ever!!!! I loved it!! Even had my husband chuckling!

    Like

  272. Gran with her taint had me laughing out loud! I once belonged to a book club and no one ever wanted to talk about the book. I swear every mother there talked about her labour experience. Every time. Maybe it’s an Austin thing.

    Like

    TriGirl recently posted The Indisputable Proof that I am Not Related to Lance Armstrong: ChelanMan Sprint Tri (the bike).

  273. I’m dead now. I just died laughing.

    Like

    Meg recently posted Winter is Coming… to kill me..

  274. That is an awesome poem! WHY are baby showers so horrible? I always tell pregnant women HAPPY labour stories or keep my mouth shut.

    Like

    edj recently posted What’s On My Nightstand–end of summer edition.

  275. Dennis (267) – great try! But, for poor old Taswegians – what does taint mean other than to mar or mark?

    Like

    Susan Hogan recently posted Lollipop Ladies and Sherbies.

  276. There is some “epistrophe” joke in there somewhere. I won’t make the joke. But I imagine a stuffed brown bear or maybe a yuppie and a beaver facing off . . . saying exactly the same thing. That’s epistrophe!

    (lame, but I tried)

    Like

  277. Awesome poem! And I truly wish more women had shared real-life stories with me before I went into labor. I was in the “oh god I can’t poop on the table” camp so I went for the enema. NOBODY told me it would make the contractions be times 50!!! You’re stuck in the bathroom in labor (times 50!!) and nobody will help you, due to the fact that you’re still walking. Don’t do it, girlfriends. Don’t do it. Lack of dignity (which you won’t have anyway when you give birth) trumps dignity.

    Like

  278. You should make an ENTIRE BOOK of poetry, because this is the single most beautiful thing that I have ever read.

    Like

  279. That was brilliant (and I loved Agatha’s poem too–#195). I’ve always wondered why women tell me these horrible stories…and then turn around and try to convince me that I should have a baby.

    Like

  280. I loved that poem😀😛
    Its been such a journey going through pictures of your haunted house…its truly precious.❤

    Like

    Diya Ganguly recently posted La la la la la.

  281. WORST?! I think you mean best. And also, I dont want to think about that ever ever ever again. Bleh.

    Like

    Mayor Gia recently posted HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOYFRIEND!.

  282. When you start with a title like that, there’s really no where else to go – except taint. Too funny and wrong, on so many levels.

    Like

    Denise Malloy recently posted Still Holding On – and Holding.

  283. 291
    Lady Penelope

    BF wants sex as soon as I log off the internet. He’s in bed right now waiting. I do not have kids and after reading your poem I am now scarred for life. Thank you. *sigh* off to deal with the naked man. I will direct him to your poem in the morning by way of explanation…

    Like

  284. *DIES* Oh my stars, this is INSANE!! This is nowhere NEAR Vogon poetry, because the only tears I have are tears of laughter! That’s fantastic, and so so true to life!

    Like

    Laynie recently posted 6:44 am already?? New goodies at Redbubble!.

  285. Your poem just made my morning! As someone who is expecting their first child in 6 weeks, I couldn’t help but grimace and laugh at the same time.

    Like

    Ashley @ Simple, Sweet, and Southern recently posted DIY Star Wars Maternity Shirt.

  286. Please hang that on your refrigerator!!!!

    Also, you should now reward yourself with alcohol. :o)

    Hugs!

    Valerie

    Like

    Valerie recently posted The Perfect Plan for Serial Killers (Patent Pending).

  287. LOVE IT!!!🙂

    Like

    Tamara Tipton recently posted Why?.

  288. I truly, deeply love anyone who knows where her towel is.

    Like

    Maria recently posted The Paleo Diet: Rich in Irony & Vitamins.

  289. My god, that is brilliant. It will make the best baby shower card EVER.

    Like

  290. I’m pregnant and I howled with laughter at this post. I’ve already heard it all, and there’s 5.5 months to go! LOL

    Like

  291. Dumbest argument ever:

    Random stranger, on hearing I don’t want kids: “But if you HAD a baby, you would love it.”

    Me: “Um…yeah. I’m not a sociopath…”

    Like

  292. This is so great. And so true.

    Like

    Venassa recently posted I Love Being a Lazy Mom.

  293. OMG…. It ALLLL makes sense now…. The very first post I read of yours was about the towels, now I know why you needed more towels!!! I love that you are a hitchhikers fan and for the record, when I feel a bad bout of depression/ anxiety coming on, my mantra is “DON’T PANIC” …. Love you Jenny, keep up the good work…. The Vogon blood has no affect on you btw lol….

    Like

  294. “Don’t tell your friends about your indigestion,
    ‘How are you?’ is a greeting, not a question!”

    I think you would like Dorothy Parker’s stuff.

    Like

    Isophorone recently posted Democrats Claim McDonnell “Poisoned” Biden.

  295. Hy-ster-i-cal! I am dying over here!

    Like

  296. Love it!

    Like

  297. For women experiencing a first pregnancy, ignorance really is bliss. If your poem was read at the beginning of every baby shower, no one there would have the guts to tell their own horror stories.

    Worst one I was told, while I was basking in the joy of just sharing my pregnancy news with the world: my neighbor’s mother-in-law had, and I quote “varicose veins in my vagina so large they were hanging out”. Luckily for me, I had no idea what a varicose vein was so my relation was all WTF?

    Like

  298. lol, so true!

    Like

    Cassondra recently posted Chick-fil-A, don't'cha just love it?.

  299. I think my major intestine–in a desperate attempt to save life itself–leapt straight up through my neck and throttled my brain.

    Like

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Clean Eating Prep Ahead: Eggs in Muffin Tins.

  300. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! And so true. Though I’m always the nutty crunchy one in the corner at those baby showers yelling at everybody, “It’s really not that bad! Try natural childbirth!”

    Like

    Meg recently posted La Mancha List Part 3.

  301. Oh, bliss! A Hitchhiker reference, in the same week in which I was re-reading it. Love the serendipity of it all. Love the “bad” poetry.

    Like

    Teresa recently posted Dramatic Paws.

  302. Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs this morning. It seems to happen at every baby shower doesn’t it? I really don’t need to know that your hubby asked the doctor for extra stitches or that you no longer need an incision since this is your sixth kid. TMI!!

    Like

  303. HAHAHAAAA!

    I used to read poetry like that when I was a kid🙂

    Like

  304. I seriously think you’re the love child of Dorothy Parker and Ogden Nash. Your poem is fab.

    Like

    Courtenay Bluebird recently posted Super-Secret Friday Night 5-Minute Dance Party [Julia Child Remixed].

  305. I love it! That was fantastic!

    Like

  306. 314
    Victoria Hudgins

    I’m not even sure if there’s a word for that kind of poetry.

    (Seriously, you’re my hero. I suffer from depression, too. You’re good medicine.)

    Like

  307. EPIC.

    FUCKING EPIC.

    Victor can’t appreciate art, obviously.

    I feel the need to cross my legs tightly right now…

    Like

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Day 2 Cross Canada: Sault Sainte Marie, Ontario to Thunder Bay, Ontario.

  308. I would love to tell you how absolutely excellent this poem is. I would love to tell you how much it made me laugh. I would love to tell you about the absolutely hilarious mind-pictures that you created in my addled brain. I would love to tell you all of these, except for the fact that I am a man, and I am quite certain that thousands of women, led by my darling spouse of over 30 years, would beat me to death with any object at hand if I thought I was so much as qualified to speak to any of these subjects. So instead, I will tell you how much I laughed at the thought of you running after Victor, and Victor then going to the doctor. Now, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!

    Like

  309. I followed the link from Pregnant Chicken and I’ve just got that poem is AWESOME!

    Like

  310. This currently 17 weeks pregnant lady identifies with this so, so much. I already think “oh my God, what have I done” enough right now without people regaling me with their battle stories.

    Like

  311. You’re right – that was hideous! And so true at the same time. The joys of being a mother.🙂

    Like

    Crystal Ponti recently posted The Wizard of Oz in Maine?.

  312. I need to share this with my friend. She’s due in 8 weeks…or maybe I’ll read it aloud at her shower. Either way, thank you for being so giving to share your poetry with us!❤

    Like

    Rachel recently posted Enameling Fun!.

  313. 321
    Michele-San Diego

    LMAO!! You are so funny😀

    Like

  314. this is poetry i can read and understand. you had me at “nothing rhymes with episiotomy.”

    Like

    monica recently posted Crack German Dark Chocolate Cake (presumably with gluten).

  315. OH MY GOD, that syllepsis was AMAZING!

    Like

  316. 324
    Elizaboof Beaveraveriz

    So, I finished Let’s Pretend This Never Happened this morning.
    ….Where’s book 2?!?!?!?

    Like

  317. THIS IS SO GOOD!! It’s funny but also clearly shows you have a gift at writing. I love it!!!

    Like

  318. episiotomy?
    squeeze it outta me?

    Like

  319. P.S. Best. poem. ever.

    Like

  320. It seems that we’ve finally found a successor for Dr. Seuss.
    Well done young one.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted WTF WAS THIS MOTHER THINKING??!!.

  321. Vogon, my ass. Enough with the false modesty. That poem’s a hoot and you know it.🙂

    Like

  322. There is your next book idea. “Terrible Poems for Any Occasion (including your Down-There)”

    Like

    hohmeisw recently posted A solution to all problems.

  323. You referenced episiotomy and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in one post. Thank you for your brilliance!

    Like

  324. please keep on with the poetry and prose…don’t stop now…

    Like

    melissa wye geraci recently posted free.

  325. I will be performing this as a dramatic reading at my sister-in-law’s baby shower. Which I’m hosting. I’m expecting it to be epic.

    Like

  326. your poem really made me laugh. and that’s why I avoid baby showers🙂

    Like

  327. OMG!! Seriously awesome!!! You must write more of these!!! LOL

    Like

  328. Thanks alot Jenny for making me have to chew off my own leg.

    Like

  329. Roald Dahl would have written this if he had a vagina. And wasn’t dead.

    Like

  330. Far from terrible. Very very far. But I can see you might have scared Victor away after talking about an old lady’s taint.

    Like

    Kayla recently posted Lizards and Melons and Thunder, Oh My!.

  331. I have thought a lot about this. Used to be on the board of directors for a midwife run birthing center so there were many stories told. Truthfully, I believe there is a PTSD element to childbirth and one cannot escape the reliving of the experience. We had debriefing sessions for new Moms to tell the birth story as a way to help heal the trauma. People don’t want to hear it and the new baby gets all the attention.

    Like

  332. And now I can’t stop trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “Episiotomy.”

    Like

    Whorrified recently posted THE TOP TEN REASONS EVERYBODY LOVES LISTS.

  333. I tell everyone the BEST way to have a baby? Sign some papers, get on a plane, have a very sweet woman place a beautiful baby in your arms, get back on the plane, fly home. No stretch marks, episiotomies, sagging tits, mucous plugs (the graphic MY friend shared with me about her pregnancy that made me flee a baby shower), morning sickness, etc.

    Ahhhh…if only I could now skip the pre-teen snarkiness…..

    Like

    Valerie P. recently posted The Stuff Legends Are Made Of....

  334. I was scrolling scrolling scrolling to add my unique and fantastic comment but got distracted from the pain in my wrist from all of the scrolling.

    And also how many of your readers have blogs and write about mental illness. It’s something, Jenny. It’s something.

    Like

    Lexi Sweatpants recently posted The Pharmacy In Me..

  335. as a former Labor & Delivery nurse, that is the most awesome poem I have ever read, keep it up!

    Like

  336. This totally needs to be read at my baby shower, I’m due in April. That’s amazing!

    Like

    Jennifer W. recently posted I should hang out with George A. Romero, maybe we could do lunch?.

  337. This poem is AWESOME. Why should VICTOR be running from this poem? It’s the ladies who should be scared shitless. Me, I had one of them thar episiotomies you speak of and it was FUCKING AWFUL. My doctor pretty much split me in half after I got too tired to push my daughter out; I think the sane half is still roaming around somewhere living the life I’ve only dreamed of. Maybe I should write a poem about it, and if I do, I will totally give you credit for inspiring me.

    Like

    Leila recently posted Days 5 and 6 and My Daughter Is A Mermaid.

  338. That. Is. Hysterical.

    Like

  339. LOLOLOLOL!!!! That should be on a hallmark mothers day card…btw, it is damn good poetry.

    Like

    Mommy In a blender recently posted Top 10 ways to ensure your child's University tuition is spent on therapy instead.

  340. BTW- I was so fucking out of my head with pain, I contemplated the window, literally… I was wondering if I could throw myself through it… but decided I would probably just bounce off; flattening my face instead. When the anestheliolegist finally showed for my epidural, I was convinced he was Patrick Swayze…

    Like

    Mommy In a blender recently posted Top 10 ways to ensure your child's University tuition is spent on therapy instead.

  341. a poem only a Mother could love!!!!

    Like

  342. I’m a new fan and just wanted to leave a comment about how much I loved your book. I stumbled upon it at my local library (where I DO judge a book by its cover) and couldn’t put it down. So sorry I didn’t discover you in time for your Tempe tour date.
    What I wouldn’t give to have been on that plane with you and Jean-Louise when you asked the flight-attendant if your son could see the cockpit. Hysterical!!

    Like

  343. That was epic.

    Like

    EvalynnRose recently posted some more actual writing - chapter 3.

  344. Best. Poem. Ever.

    Like

  345. Excellent! You should submit this poem to added into the umpteenth latest edition of “What to Expect, When You’re Expecting” Love it!

    P.S. I did Pin Hunter S. Thomcat. Uh, THAT sounds utterly wrong! But you know what I mean?! I hope.

    Like

  346. Best poem ever… seriously

    Like

  347. How about “dichotomy?” Can’t guarantee the spelling….

    Like

  348. When I was pregnant with my son, I spent many an evening with my mom-friends, begging them to Shut UP! I didn’t want to hear their tales. Thank you for this. I will be forwarding this poem (great work of literature that it is) to all of them.

    Like

  349. I’m planning a star wars themed baby shower in January…I’m so using this poem at the shower. Thank you for your genious!🙂

    Like

  350. i kind of feel normal for putting a crime scene in the bedroom of my doll house now.

    Like

  351. bad poetry? are you bonkers?? that reads out loud beautifully, and hiLARiously, and horrifically for my 14 year old son sitting on the other couch…you’re awesome

    Like

  352. LOL! Too funny. I must share this with my wife and daughters, and “girl”friends.

    Like

  353. What the fuck did the baby do to gran’s taint????????????

    Like

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted I’m Having Hot Flashes Because Our Air Conditioning Died, NOT Because I’m Over 35.

  354. 363
    Loyal reader and fan

    Awesome. Just awesome. THIS is why I am childless.

    Like

  355. I was in my mid-20’s the first time I heard that women often poop on the table during labor. One of my close friends told me about it after it happened to her. To this day I think that was one of those Childbirth Secrets that you NEVER tell anyone ever and let them find out on their own.

    Like

    Tonya recently posted How Do You Want To Be Known?.

  356. I am a poetry writer as well and this here is some brilliant work. I simply love it…

    Like

  357. You two are the smartest women EVER…just saying.

    Like

  358. I’m heading to baby shower this weekend, mind if I use this poem to liven things up?

    Like

  359. We ripe women have a duty to warn you young pg’s about the joys of delivery. Don’t give us grief. And…

    The doctor said oy vay, dear you need an episiotomy
    Thank Got, screamed I, just get this damn alien otta me.

    PS Love you Jenny, but I love your dad more. He is funnyness.

    Like

  360. I once screamed the word taint about twenty times in a crowded restaurant because I didn’t understand it had an alternate definition and nobody would tell me what it meant. So I just kept yelling, “will somebody please tell me what is so funny about taint?!”

    Like

    Sara recently posted Wil Wheaton, Matthew Dow Smith, and a New Car! Did I Win the Lottery?.

  361. You owe me a new pair of panties! Just royally soiled mine, reading this! Amazing!

    Brea

    Like

    Brea recently posted Aaand We’re Back!.

  362. You should compare notes with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England.

    Like

  363. That is brilliant. I love it!

    Hm, illustrations are coming to mind…

    Like

    jenny gee recently posted Vignettes un autre fois.

  364. 374
    Laura Riffel

    Where is the like button..?

    Like

  365. Um, that was a pretty fucking awesome poem. Like seriously.

    Like

  366. This may be my favorite poem ever. Including all of those gems in “I Could Pee On This”.

    Like

  367. Sounds like my baby shower. I told them all to fuck off. Then I had a 1 hour, 45 minute labor. I made sure to go back and let them all know it too.

    Like

  368. That was so awesome!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s