I think I’m part Vogon

in Random Crap, Vogon poetry

In my spare time I read, watch Doctor Who, build haunted dollhouses, and write bad poetry.  Like, THE WORST poetry.  In fact, the poem I wrote today was so bad I had to run after Victor to get him to listen to the end of it and then after that he went directly to the doctor.  And that’s a record, so I thought I would share:

Nothing Rhymes With “Episiotomy”

Janie and I went to Marcia’s shower
expecting some pre-baby fun.
We arrived at her house at the agreed upon hour
and immediately wanted to run.

Marcia’s round belly was surrounded by girls who
regaled her with tales of their labor,
while Marcia grew paler and tried to grab onto
her wits, a life raft, or a saber.

“I pooped on the table,” said plump, old Aunt Pat,
(She made it sound like a boast).
Said Tiffany-Sue: “Oh, everyone does that.”
Marcia turned white as a ghost.

“For shame, now girls,” said reserved cousin Flo,
“Who cares ’bout your old lady bits?
Babies do much more damage as they grow.
Good heavens, just look at my tits!”

Within a half-hour I needed a shower
and Marcia and Janie looked faint.
“Why, that’s nothing” said gran, who fluttered her fan,
“You should see what they did to my taint!”

Of blood and of bile they prattled on blindly,
(By now Marcia was starting to heave.)
They showed c-section scars (a little unkindly).
It was clear that we needed to leave.

The talk of the girls
caused great twisting of pearls
and left us all thinking of options.
Janie’s decided to stay on the pill,
And I’m looking into adoption.

378 thoughts on “I think I’m part Vogon”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. Bwahahahaha! I’m due in January… I have a feeling my baby shower might be even more graphic than this! Le sigh.

    The baby shower will be around Halloween with the theme: RIP My Poor, Poor Vagina…

  8. I’ve never laughed so hard that I spewed a sammich out of my nose… until now. Holy canolli, that’s Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy awful! They have a whole species that would LOVE it!!!

  11. But you would try to save your grandmother from the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal…or at least I hope so

  18. Well, even if you are part Vogon, you aren’t planning on destroying our planet, right? Right?

    That was actually a very funny poem. The Vogons wish they could write that badly! 🙂

  20. Ha! I love it! And yeah, I’m pretty sure baby showers are just an excuse for the old biddies to scare the bejesus out of first timers.

  22. When I questioned a friend of mine about the pains of labour when I found out I was pregnant, she said (and I quote), “It felt like they cut of my tit and made me eat it”. Quite frankly that freaked me the fuck out……I now have two kids….I’m a sadistic bitch. 🙂

  27. BRILLIANT. You may have just solved one of the greatest political debates of all times – A very wide distribution of this poem may completely end the need for abortion, because no girl who reads it will even THINK about letting any boy near her. This will please everyone on both sides of the political spectrum. Just make sure it gets distributed starting in kindergarten.

  36. They should teach girls in Health class/sex ed about the pooping and the ripping and there would be a definite decrease in the teenage pregnancy rate.

    By the way, due in March and the stories are why I am keeping my mouth shut at work until someone calls me fat to my face 🙂

  42. Yeah…first time I won’t be passing this along to my sister. 🙂 She’s due in two weeks, and is already irked at the horror stories people seem to NEED to share with impending moms. What the hell is that about, anyway?

    Jess

  44. So not Vogon! Hilarious and why do women feel the need to tell only horror stories to pregnant ladies!

    Tell them to teenagers….this kind of thing should be done instead of sex ed (hahahah Im kidding..sort of)

    T

  51. Yes, you’d THINK we’d all kindly lie to the mommy-to-be. “Why, no, dear; my body looks like this because I fell out of a car and was dragged behind it by my boobs.” Also, Vogan? You, Miss Jenny, are my favorite.

  53. This is, by far, the funniest poem I have EVER read. Thank for the best laugh of the day!

  54. So when will your new book of poetry be published? What do you mean, you haven’t written one yet? What, pray tell, are you waiting for? A formal invitation? Get going, you unbelieveably talented woman, you, YES YOU!!!!!

  58. Tell her she’ll need more than the pill. I had a boy last March and in December, despite being on the pill (not the recalled one(s) either) I was pregnant.
    Too hilarious. This is why I’m getting my “girls” a little perked after we’re done breastfeeding. I think after 4 kiddos I deserve it. {:

  59. As a member of the Brotherhood of Frozen Bags of Peas (Class of 1989), I salute this poem.

    Just ordered the book, by the way, and am waiting happily for its arrival.

    And from reading the archives, I was lucky enough to find the Midwest Teen Sex Show, so I’ve got that goin’ for me.

  60. Can you start a line of greeting cards? This would be great for a baby shower gift. Especially if I was sending a gift and not attending. 🙂

  63. I love it!! Thank goddess my grandmother never shares her labor stories….I’d never look at my grandfather the same if she did. I’m convince my mom and uncles were adopted, my grandparents never had sex!

  67. Victor doesn’t know what he’s missing! That was BEAUTIFUL! It brought a tear to my eye… Sure it was because I was laughing, but it was a tear nonetheless 🙂

  69. I seriously just added this to my Anthology of Poems that is part of my Creative Writing class project. Thank you!

  70. I think it’s fucking hysterical. Who else but you could make up a poem like this, make me read AND LIKE poetry, and have the word ‘taint’ in it? Awesome. Just good ol’ warm awesomeness.

  75. Does it rhyme with phlebotomy? Cause I think they both are going in the same direction of your are going to be messed up either way. I thought you going Vegan, lol.
    -Gina-

  76. I don’t think Victor was running from your poetry (because it rocks!) – I think you skeered him with too much ‘pink parts’ truths.
    I love your poems – keep them coming….

  77. Bad??? It’s AWESOME… like Shel Silverstein, but for sick, twisted adults instead of sick, twisted kids.

  78. Hey I’m not writhing in pain! My ears aren’t bleeding.
    Any Vogon blood you have isn’t enough to “taint” the waters of your prose. Or get you any government benefits…

  81. I could not stop thinking about Shel Silverstein as I read this. With some of his line-drawing illustrations? This would be an unstoppable seller! Especially if you could make a whole book of Sarah Samantha Sylvia Stout type poems about the process of raising children.

  83. I JUST put the thank-you cards for my baby shower in the mail today. I wish I’d seen this post sooner, I would have begged you to let me include copies of this poem in with my cards!! What a great laugh :):)

  84. Lol. I dreaded my baby shower and hubby had to come get me and drag me to my shower cause I loath girly stuff like that, and crowds. Oddly, it was not too bad because my nest friend hosted/planned it and she “gets” me. It was the most tolerable baby (or for that matter, wedding, graduation ,wake, etc) shower/party I have ever had to suffer, I mean go, to.
    I need that poem and wish I was pregnant rigjt now…it would go in my shower invitation.

    I also meed glasses and so I read that you were almost vegan and so I thought perhaps you had such a traumatic PTSD level wearing-a-dead-deer flashback that you had gone vegan.

  85. This is my first response to one of your blogs. Sheer awesomsauce! Am expecting my first grandbaby and would love to share, but baby’s momma is on my FB account and it feels almost evil to do so.

    What the hey, I’m going for it!

  87. Vogon! I get it!!

    Sounds like granny had a 4th degree tear. That happened to a friend of mine. She loves telling that story. My ovaries shrank into my ribcage after that.

  89. I will be reading your poem at every baby shower I go to from now on. Anything with the word “taint” in it is just pure freaking genius!

  91. That was great! My daughter is at her 40 week appointment right now. I can’t wait to show this to her! I hope she laughs so hard, we can hold our grandson tomorrow!

  98. While gulping the baby shower kool-aid that makes many women immediately desire pregnancy, my friends and I decided to make a pregnancy pact. You know, like the ones girls make in high school where they clearly don’t have any adults in their lives and then they take a picture in the school bathroom with their GEDs and duck faces and big bellies? Except we’re going to take the picture in a public restroom with our college diplomas because we’re highly over-educated. I’m pretty excited about this picture.
    Anyway, if this all pans out, I believe this poem may end up being framed at each one of their showers. And I’m going to share it with the first timers now, because I think it just about sums up how they feel every time they talk to me. I should really apologize for that…

  99. Wow. That was impressively horrible, and yet a rather accurate depiction of baby showers.

    In other news, it might interest you to know that John Barrowman seems to have difficulty keeping his pants on. /ThingsILearnedAtDragonCon

  103. It might not scan quite perfectly, but you can’t read it without laughing and wondering when Ogden Nash got so playfully dirty.

  105. I freaking love you. There’s really nothing more I can say (except now I feel way cooler that this is sorta like the poetry I’m prone to writing, and if yours is so funny, maybe there’s hope for me?).

  109. MOTHER GRUBBING BRILLIANT. I’m going to freak the shit out of my kids and slip this into Where the Sidewalk Ends!

  111. Great poem, and so true.

    Did you know there’s a reason women poop on the table when they give birth? Babies are born without immunities, and getting their mom’s excrement on their skin imparts the immunities in her gut to the baby. It actually could make your baby sick if you DON’T poop on them, so that’s another one of God’s lovely little gifts with a sense of humor attached. 🙂

  117. Lol, so insane, I love it. If you put together a collection of these I would buy it 😛 It’s the kind of thing I would sit around and read aloud with my friends.

  119. I really don’t know why I try to drink a soda anymore when reading your posts. It all just comes back out. You ma’am, are wasting my soda money!!!! I of course had to re-read it three times.

  122. This wasn’t horrible, it was brilliant!

    I agree with the person who said you could have a career in greeting cards (when the whole best-selling author thing becomes a bore).

    Rock on, Jenny!

  123. BEST. POEM. EVER.
    I am happily childfree (by choice) and while I like kids, I always feel completely lost when surrounded by mothers talking about childbirth. I just sort of nod and smile.

  124. Oddly enough, for the first time in maybe 15 years, today I used a Vogon reference. Then yours popped up. If I see a third today I’ll take it as a sign. Of what, I guess I’ll find out. By the way, your poem has a certain kind of je ne sais quoi. While you ladies get to actually create life, (which is totally gross) for me and my fellow males, we got the long end of the stick. Everyday. To admire at the very least, and enjoy to it’s fullest extant at best.

    We get to enjoy the best a lot.

    A lot.

  126. As funny as the poem was (elbowed my imaginary friend beside me while cackling with laughter kind of funny!)
    it was even funnier imagining Victor doing the ol’ dodge and weave to get out of the house while you’re catapulting over furniture chasing him as you recite your poem.
    My imaginary friend points out that there is something that rhymes with Episiotomy but the bastard won’t tell me.

  127. I think you can make a case for ‘lobotomy’ rhyming with ‘episiotomy’…I always wondered why this little ritual of scaring the crap out of expectant mothers occurs…I LOVED this poem…

  130. I’m really surprised that brothers and sisters exist. If men had children, everyone would be an only child.

    I’m terrified of getting kidney stones because I know women who have been through labor and had a kidney stone, and they say the pain is comparable.

  131. Terrific poem … but that Haunted Doll House?? Totally the coolest thing ever! My kids would love it!!

  133. Fuck what anyone else says, that is the best poem EVER. Take that, Robert Frost!

  137. HAhahhahaha – I love you & everything you write!
    I can’t tell you how many times you’ve made my day 🙂
    PS – hope you’re feeling much better these days too!

  138. love that vogon reference. but this is no ‘ode to a small lump green putty i found in my armpit one midsummer morning’. your limerick is full of rich imagery. it expresses the terrible shock of when we as women find out, once again that we have been fed a bunch of bullshit on how miraculous it is to be a woman. remember when you couldn’t wait to get your period? i personally would like to read more on shit like that.

  139. You don’t write bad poetry, you write funny poetry. I laughed out loud reading this:)

  141. Ohhh my goodness!!! This poem belongs on a card, or something….*LOL* too funny!!

  142. I’m a labor and delivery nurse, out raising my own taint-busters haha, and I instantly wanted to rush back to the old L&D unit to post this one in the employee bathroom, next to the placenta spaghetti sauce recipe! Maybe it’s not for everyone, but for someone who has delivered so many a’babies, it was brilliant! 🙂

  143. Yesterday, I was adoring my friend’s 5 week old baby boy while my confidence in the whole “I never want to have a baby” stand was wavering. Today, I remember EXACTLY why I never want to have a baby 😛

  145. THIS IS AWESOME!

    And because I cannot shout with glee about this on Facebook (where all the extended family who were not told of the likelihood of such reside), my sister DOES NOT HAVE BREAST CANCER!! I’ve spent the last few hours laughing and crying with her and omg, IT’S NOT CANCER!!

  147. At last, a Vogon with a sense of humor! Please, spare our world!

    Here’s my effort:

    All too often childbirth
    Requires an episiotomy
    Cause lady parts aren’t elastic
    And they damn well oughta be

  148. The sick part of me thinks that this should be posted (or otherwise available) at all reproductive health centers. People could read it before their retrievals and transfers.

  149. That was so perfect! This has happened to me many times….but at the lunch table at work. I just can’t stomach all the discussion. I swear it makes my knees work like MAGNETS to each other. 😉

    Thanks for sharing. Truly awesome!

  153. OMG! That was a laugh I needed so badly. Thank you so much. And now, I think, I’ll never have children.

  155. You must make baby shower cards with this. It can have the weasle on the outside. “My body is ruined!”

  156. I’ve heard MUCH worse poetry, Jenny.. Seriously!
    At any rate, The Doctor rocks! Did you catch the first new episode since the break? it was mind-blowing!
    Moving on: you recently wrote about your soul-crushing depression… You want to talk depression? My book barely has a PULSE, never mind still being on the NYT list after 4 months! NO ONE outside of my little home in the Niagara region gives a fuck about my work; of course, I know they have no reason to in the first place, but COME ON! “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” describes my entire writing career so far…
    I tell you what, Bloggess, I have a proposal for you: come up with some kind of crazy stunt for me to pull – short of breaking any laws, I’ll do WHATEVER you want – and I’ll do it, providing you review my book and give me your honest opinion and a blurb.
    I don’t expect you’ll see this or respond, but if you do, get creative and give The Hook a challenge worthy of the reward, okay?
    P.S. I’m going to repeat this message, as I’m sure you don’t have the time to actually read every comment. Hopefully, sooner or later, I’ll make contact and we can talk business.
    Talk to you soon, I hope!

  157. Absolutely fantastic!! I thought about sharing this on the Birth Without Fear page, but I think it might scare all the pregnant ladies lol I love it!

  158. Ok, I’ll be the ass-hat (unless someone beat me to it…).

    Nothing rhymes with “episiotomy”

    How about Daddy-stitchery…

    😉

  159. Thank God I’ll never have to go through childbirth. Personally, I don’t know why Victor was running from you. It’s a pretty good poem if you ask me.

  161. Having been to many a baby shower, I know all this poem is true. And it cracks me up, and reminds me why I continue to be child-free by choice. But no one has compared the beauty, rhyming, and humor of it yet to “The Cremation of Sam McGee” by Robert W. Service. Once you read that Jenny, you will see that your poem is not horrible, but GENIUS and a fabulous piece of literature to be cherished.

  167. While not the best poetry I’ve ever read, it’s funny and perfectly timed.
    I have a baby shower to attend on Sunday, another in a few months (the first’s sister is also knocked up) and I am due in March.

  168. I consider myself fairly well-read and intelligent. I didn’t know what “Episiotomy” was. So I googled it.
    Many pictures appeared instantaneously. I may have vomitted a little in my mouth. I am now packing up my bags to go home because I am quite sure the IT police at our firm are on their way up to charge me with…. something. Between that search and the one I did earlier…..I’m sure I have violated some sort of moral codes.
    (I thought I had a loose strand of hair on my cleavage today. It wasn’t. It was a spider. I have spent the afternoon obsessively looking down my top because I have the “shadow crawlies”. I thought there must be a term for that type of OCD. I couldn’t find one.).

  169. Jenny, I don’t know how much or how often you read these comments but if you are checking them out today (Friday 9/7) go over to Google. They have a Star treck 46th anniversary Doodle and it is so cool!!!!!
    When you play with the doodle it goes to different scenes (Tribbles and Gorn)! Oh, and turn on the sound!!!!!

  171. episiotomy:
    sought to be
    thought it oughta be

    best poem ever! I agree that baby showers are like fraternity hazing, once you are at the shower stage there is no turning back, they may as well show clips from the movie Alien or The Fly because for a first timer it is that fucking foreign.

  172. I adore this. So much so that I’m going to share it on Facebook. At which point we’ll learn if Grandma knows what “taint” means.

  173. Definitely more Ogden Nash than Vogon. Not once did my own intestine try to strangle my brain whilst reading your ode. 🙂

  175. jenny – are you there? knock, knock. i know you’re in there. i have a stuffed wolf made of rabbit for you. i was at your minneapolis reading. i gave you a business card with my info (it was black and shiny). i need to know where to ship the wolf. my husband does not find this wolf made of rabbit sleeping in bed with us humorous. (just kidding. i sleep on the couch. i wouldn’t want to crowd the wolf.) please email me……angela.

  177. Maybe 30% Vogon….sex Ed classes should teach the reality of pregnancy. If more girls knew that popping out a kid means vagina rips and pooping on a table in front of strangers our teenage birth rate would be way lower. Or maybe higher. I don’t know what teenagers are into these days….

  178. You’re much better at bad poetry than I am. Too funny. I always loved the wive’s tales everyone threw at me when I was pregnant: don’t lift your arms or it’ll strangle the baby, chocolate is toxic to your fetus, etc.

  181. oh sweet Jesus, that’s totally what happened to me the whole time my pregnancy, not episiotomy’s, but ever Mother telling you every horror story ever. I have of course, started doing it to my pregnant friends. I AM EVIL. I’ll never forget when I asked whether it would be worth it having a mirror, and you told me,”it’s like watching your cagina blow a meat bubble.”

  184. You saved my day! I was having a hard battle of depression over only being able to have one kid despite always having wanted a large family. This totally brightened my day! 🙂 Thanks!

  186. Well, I just loved it 🙂 But what’s a taint? Do I have one? I’ve had three children, should I worry??
    Aside from that, I did love it, and thanks for sharing!

  187. Adoption is the way to go. I have no scars, no horror stories (about my body), and my tits still look great. Oh, correction. My tit looks great. Maybe if I had gestated a baby and then breast fed it, I might not have lost a breast to cancer. So, there’s an upside.

  190. During the summer between 7th and 8th grade, I had a ‘boyfriend’ for whom I wrote a loooong and awful love poem. Once school started, I submitted it for the student writing magazine the school put out each year. I didn’t know how bad it was, I was 13, leave me alone.

    Three years later, I walked into art class to find that someone had written the entire monstrosity up on one of the less-used chalkboards (I’M OLD! BITE ME!) and signed their name to it. For a fraction of a second I was deeply offended, but then I read the thing for the first time since it had been ‘published’.

    “Nope,” I thought. “They can have it. In fact, they just did the equivalent of taking credit for someone else’s public fart. I’m actually kind of grateful.” And I wrote down their name, in case I might ever have the chance to do them a favor as well.

    No I didn’t, that’s a lie. They’re on their own next time they fart in public.

  193. So you saved the ‘taint’ reference for ol’ granny, huh? If MY grandma had known what a taint was, well… we would have been much closer, I’m sure. She was a lady-like type who would discreetly distribute copies of “Our Bodies, Our Selves” to all the female cousins in the family. I guess that’s almost as awesome as knowing what a ‘taint’ is. 🙂

  196. That is actually tremendous! Laugh out loud funny and you kept a good meter! At a bad poetry slam jam and stitch n bitch that we held a few years back, I brought out this gem.
    An Ode to my thigh

    Oh great blobulous goodness
    Oh sweet shudder with each step
    Oh magnificent sweetness
    Of each cellulite moment.

    Never go away great love of mine
    Hairy and pallid and oh so fine.
    I love you, you magnificent bastard.

    Now that’s some shit right there.

  199. I think you should write an entire book of poems. And perhaps entitle it something to the effect of: Jenny The Bloggess kicks poetry’s ass. or Jenny Lawson: Makes vagina scars funny via poems.

    I think it could be your next best seller.

  203. OMG THat was one great poem. Brought back so many memories that I had successfully buried years ago. Only, and I mean ONLY,a woman could possibly understand, remember, and laugh. Most men run away from it. Thanks, Jenny. You make me laugh through my tears.

  205. Okay, I woke up early today. So far I’ve discovered Geek bras, the Star Trek google doodle and now this!
    Is it officially Awesome Day?

    I may never sleep in again.

    or maybe not.

  207. You forgot to add the part of how the child comes shooting out like a snot rocket, while ripping you from top to bottom because of your uncontrollable vomiting in place of the more gentle pushes.

  208. Andrea of andreamulderslater.com has an excellent point, this should be in every high school girls’ bathroom. Zazzle up a poster of that bad boy, and we can buy copies to donate to local schools.

  209. haha! I have 3 kids (glutton for punishment I suppose) and have had both vaginal, complete with double episiotomy, and c-section, with crossing scars that caused nerve damage. I can say, everything wrong to your body pregnancy contributes to, I must have had happen. And then, 2 of the little buggers didn’t want to come out, so I was carrying for more than full term…I am so happy to NEVER go through it again and happy to share with anyone expecting.

  210. I used to work in an all female office with 15 women…if even one of them was pregnant then this was the daily WORK conversation. (that was 17 years ago…i’m still childless).

  213. rings true with me, and I think it is funny! Maybe you have to be someone with girlie bits to appreciate it.

  216. I laughed SO hard. It reminds me of the stories I heard at my friend’s baby shower. I’m glad I adopted. 🙂

  217. I think this can go right alongside Garfunkel & Oates’ classic song, “Pregnant Women are Smug”!!

  218. This poem’s quite good,
    True – Shakespeare it ain’t,
    But what genius usage
    Of the word “taint”

    Thank you for describing an experience I have had (and have been part of) in rhyme.

  221. Since we culturally have this silent unspoken agreement not to say anything about what it’s really like so we don’t scare off the potential mothers, I won’t add that giving birth feels like trying to shit a pumpkin. That poem made me chuckle, awesome work 🙂

  222. Victor OBVIOUSLY doesn’t understand good poetry.

    And I thought nothing would rival the discussion of the “goody bag” I received at my bridal shower with the requisite comments from 70+-year old women, which included statements like “I didn’t know they came in colors!!!” My mortification was complete.

  227. This was hilarious and chock full of exceedingly useful information.

    I don’t often write poetry, but when I do, it is almost always in the form of painfully bad limericks directed toward my ovaries and their uncanny ability to up and explode every once in a while.

    For example:
    AHEM (clears throat)

    There once was a hateful left ovary,
    who thought its host was living life too jovially.
    So that motherfucker burst,
    and the girl, how she cursed,
    then decided she was feeling too soberly.

    So she drank a shit ton of whiskey.

    *Bows*

  234. Bahahaha! The poem is funny but it’s NOT funny or kind when women do that to each other. I’ve had it done to me & it’s better when a friend breaks most of that stuff to you kindly. Some things, I’m afraid you have to learn “in the moment”. Next time, I suggest a Valium before virtually any kind of shower.

  235. You had me at Vogon.
    Personally, that is how I’ve always felt about babies, having babies, and showers of any sort. Yuck. How annoying. Then again, I don’t claim to be a poetry afficionado.

  240. Uhhh, yeaahh.
    I’ve got to say the whole baby/pain thing is pretty boring. Everyone thinks their story is unique–like women haven’t been having babies for thousands of years.
    “Golly gee, I bet I’m the first woman EVER to _______.” (just fill in the blank w/ your complaint).

  241. Oh my god, that is amazing. I didn’t even think I liked poetry, but I definitely like yours. (Bawdy limericks should totally make a comeback.)

  244. I call them the “birth horror stories” that seem to be the right of passage for all new moms. It is one of those things you don’t know about until it is too late. After having my two kids, I think I have heard all the versions of these stories from every mom I know. It’s kind of like the big fish stories I suppose men tell each other (or whatever else they may discuss…I don’t want to know) – the stories get wilder and more ridiculous with each telling. I don’t understand why women do this to each other except being some kind of strange “one-up-manship” showing that my birth experience was worse than yours sort of thing. I am just happy I had two happy healthy children and I never never want to go through any of it again!!! Anyway, I liked the poem. Thanks for sharing.

  246. I think it’s great! I have a friend giving birth as we speak. I’ll show her your poem in a year or two, it’ll be funny then.

  247. @L-Diggitty (first comment on the post), I’m so having a halloween themed pregnancy for whatever girl I let have my children. That is awesome.

    Bloggess, excellent poem. I may have to start poem-ing myself to try and match your awesomeness. A hat tip and a flick of the peen to you.

  248. That is freaking hilarious! Now you need to do a whole book of them. I’d certainly buy one!

  255. So funny and so true. Brings back memories of my pregnancy and labor. The first thing I did in between contractions was get an enema. That was my biggest fear: pooping on the table in front of my husband. Little did I know I would have bigger problems than that down the line. Thx for the poem!!

  256. I snorted, I gagged, I held my breath, I teared up, I laughed till I peed, and all that before I read past the title.
    I gotta say I LOVE YOU and thank you!

  258. LOL!
    That poem needs to be sent along with invitations to baby showers to tell the ladies to keep their horror stories to themselves.

  263. Oh my goodness! Just shared this with all the ladies in my pregnancy group (we are all due in December), and my mom. My mom thought it was great (and she’s quite conservative)!

  264. I’m sure there’s SOMETHING that rhymes with episiotomy…but nobody wants to see that word in poetry either 😉

    Me? I might just stick with dogs.

  266. Hilarious 🙂
    It makes me think of my birth story…god, it didn’t go well. I scare my pregnant friends and have vowed to never mention it again (not that I’ve ever overshared thank goodness).
    I will just let them find out in their own time that it’s not all sunshine and unicorns 😉
    x

  269. Public service announcement: this is why you should have a coed baby shower. I’ve heard childbirth horror stories at every all-female baby shower I’ve ever been to, but I’ve never heard anyone tell one at a shower where men are present.

  271. I’m pregnant with my 3rd right now so all pregnancy/labor humor gets my undivided attention. I LOVED this. You’re so right, it’s all so true and freaky and so disgustingly true!! Thanks for the laugh, as always!

  272. Anything with gran and taint in the same line is pure magic in my book. The world of limerick writing is largely unexplored. There’s gold there. Mine that shit, baby.

  273. Rhymes with “Episiotomy”

    “My gynie recommends some things,
    Like an episiotomy,
    And when my legs are spread like wings,
    Oh, my! He sees a lotta me!”

  274. oh my, jesus fing christ. you might just be the funniest lady I know. I’m not even sure, bla de bla de bla. I’m going to have to reassess how funny “we” are, but I’m ptretty sure you won. Thanks for making me laugh, over and over again. here’s to happy times, happy times……

  280. Gran with her taint had me laughing out loud! I once belonged to a book club and no one ever wanted to talk about the book. I swear every mother there talked about her labour experience. Every time. Maybe it’s an Austin thing.

  282. That is an awesome poem! WHY are baby showers so horrible? I always tell pregnant women HAPPY labour stories or keep my mouth shut.

  284. There is some “epistrophe” joke in there somewhere. I won’t make the joke. But I imagine a stuffed brown bear or maybe a yuppie and a beaver facing off . . . saying exactly the same thing. That’s epistrophe!

    (lame, but I tried)

  285. Awesome poem! And I truly wish more women had shared real-life stories with me before I went into labor. I was in the “oh god I can’t poop on the table” camp so I went for the enema. NOBODY told me it would make the contractions be times 50!!! You’re stuck in the bathroom in labor (times 50!!) and nobody will help you, due to the fact that you’re still walking. Don’t do it, girlfriends. Don’t do it. Lack of dignity (which you won’t have anyway when you give birth) trumps dignity.

  286. You should make an ENTIRE BOOK of poetry, because this is the single most beautiful thing that I have ever read.

  287. That was brilliant (and I loved Agatha’s poem too–#195). I’ve always wondered why women tell me these horrible stories…and then turn around and try to convince me that I should have a baby.

  291. BF wants sex as soon as I log off the internet. He’s in bed right now waiting. I do not have kids and after reading your poem I am now scarred for life. Thank you. *sigh* off to deal with the naked man. I will direct him to your poem in the morning by way of explanation…

  292. *DIES* Oh my stars, this is INSANE!! This is nowhere NEAR Vogon poetry, because the only tears I have are tears of laughter! That’s fantastic, and so so true to life!

  299. Dumbest argument ever:

    Random stranger, on hearing I don’t want kids: “But if you HAD a baby, you would love it.”

    Me: “Um…yeah. I’m not a sociopath…”

  301. OMG…. It ALLLL makes sense now…. The very first post I read of yours was about the towels, now I know why you needed more towels!!! I love that you are a hitchhikers fan and for the record, when I feel a bad bout of depression/ anxiety coming on, my mantra is “DON’T PANIC” …. Love you Jenny, keep up the good work…. The Vogon blood has no affect on you btw lol….

  302. “Don’t tell your friends about your indigestion,
    ‘How are you?’ is a greeting, not a question!”

    I think you would like Dorothy Parker’s stuff.

  305. For women experiencing a first pregnancy, ignorance really is bliss. If your poem was read at the beginning of every baby shower, no one there would have the guts to tell their own horror stories.

    Worst one I was told, while I was basking in the joy of just sharing my pregnancy news with the world: my neighbor’s mother-in-law had, and I quote “varicose veins in my vagina so large they were hanging out”. Luckily for me, I had no idea what a varicose vein was so my relation was all WTF?

  308. Fan-fucking-tastic!!! And so true. Though I’m always the nutty crunchy one in the corner at those baby showers yelling at everybody, “It’s really not that bad! Try natural childbirth!”

  309. Oh, bliss! A Hitchhiker reference, in the same week in which I was re-reading it. Love the serendipity of it all. Love the “bad” poetry.

  310. Hilarious. Thanks for the laughs this morning. It seems to happen at every baby shower doesn’t it? I really don’t need to know that your hubby asked the doctor for extra stitches or that you no longer need an incision since this is your sixth kid. TMI!!

  314. I’m not even sure if there’s a word for that kind of poetry.

    (Seriously, you’re my hero. I suffer from depression, too. You’re good medicine.)

  316. I would love to tell you how absolutely excellent this poem is. I would love to tell you how much it made me laugh. I would love to tell you about the absolutely hilarious mind-pictures that you created in my addled brain. I would love to tell you all of these, except for the fact that I am a man, and I am quite certain that thousands of women, led by my darling spouse of over 30 years, would beat me to death with any object at hand if I thought I was so much as qualified to speak to any of these subjects. So instead, I will tell you how much I laughed at the thought of you running after Victor, and Victor then going to the doctor. Now, I don’t care who you are, that’s funny!

  318. This currently 17 weeks pregnant lady identifies with this so, so much. I already think “oh my God, what have I done” enough right now without people regaling me with their battle stories.

  320. I need to share this with my friend. She’s due in 8 weeks…or maybe I’ll read it aloud at her shower. Either way, thank you for being so giving to share your poetry with us! <3

  324. So, I finished Let’s Pretend This Never Happened this morning.
    ….Where’s book 2?!?!?!?

  325. THIS IS SO GOOD!! It’s funny but also clearly shows you have a gift at writing. I love it!!!

  329. Vogon, my ass. Enough with the false modesty. That poem’s a hoot and you know it. 🙂

  331. You referenced episiotomy and Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy in one post. Thank you for your brilliance!

  333. I will be performing this as a dramatic reading at my sister-in-law’s baby shower. Which I’m hosting. I’m expecting it to be epic.

  338. Far from terrible. Very very far. But I can see you might have scared Victor away after talking about an old lady’s taint.

  339. I have thought a lot about this. Used to be on the board of directors for a midwife run birthing center so there were many stories told. Truthfully, I believe there is a PTSD element to childbirth and one cannot escape the reliving of the experience. We had debriefing sessions for new Moms to tell the birth story as a way to help heal the trauma. People don’t want to hear it and the new baby gets all the attention.

  341. I tell everyone the BEST way to have a baby? Sign some papers, get on a plane, have a very sweet woman place a beautiful baby in your arms, get back on the plane, fly home. No stretch marks, episiotomies, sagging tits, mucous plugs (the graphic MY friend shared with me about her pregnancy that made me flee a baby shower), morning sickness, etc.

    Ahhhh…if only I could now skip the pre-teen snarkiness…..

  342. I was scrolling scrolling scrolling to add my unique and fantastic comment but got distracted from the pain in my wrist from all of the scrolling.

    And also how many of your readers have blogs and write about mental illness. It’s something, Jenny. It’s something.

  343. as a former Labor & Delivery nurse, that is the most awesome poem I have ever read, keep it up!

  345. This poem is AWESOME. Why should VICTOR be running from this poem? It’s the ladies who should be scared shitless. Me, I had one of them thar episiotomies you speak of and it was FUCKING AWFUL. My doctor pretty much split me in half after I got too tired to push my daughter out; I think the sane half is still roaming around somewhere living the life I’ve only dreamed of. Maybe I should write a poem about it, and if I do, I will totally give you credit for inspiring me.

  348. BTW- I was so fucking out of my head with pain, I contemplated the window, literally… I was wondering if I could throw myself through it… but decided I would probably just bounce off; flattening my face instead. When the anestheliolegist finally showed for my epidural, I was convinced he was Patrick Swayze…

  351. I’m a new fan and just wanted to leave a comment about how much I loved your book. I stumbled upon it at my local library (where I DO judge a book by its cover) and couldn’t put it down. So sorry I didn’t discover you in time for your Tempe tour date.
    What I wouldn’t give to have been on that plane with you and Jean-Louise when you asked the flight-attendant if your son could see the cockpit. Hysterical!!

  354. Excellent! You should submit this poem to added into the umpteenth latest edition of “What to Expect, When You’re Expecting” Love it!

    P.S. I did Pin Hunter S. Thomcat. Uh, THAT sounds utterly wrong! But you know what I mean?! I hope.

  357. When I was pregnant with my son, I spent many an evening with my mom-friends, begging them to Shut UP! I didn’t want to hear their tales. Thank you for this. I will be forwarding this poem (great work of literature that it is) to all of them.

  358. I’m planning a star wars themed baby shower in January…I’m so using this poem at the shower. Thank you for your genious! 🙂

  360. bad poetry? are you bonkers?? that reads out loud beautifully, and hiLARiously, and horrifically for my 14 year old son sitting on the other couch…you’re awesome

  364. I was in my mid-20’s the first time I heard that women often poop on the table during labor. One of my close friends told me about it after it happened to her. To this day I think that was one of those Childbirth Secrets that you NEVER tell anyone ever and let them find out on their own.

  368. We ripe women have a duty to warn you young pg’s about the joys of delivery. Don’t give us grief. And…

    The doctor said oy vay, dear you need an episiotomy
    Thank Got, screamed I, just get this damn alien otta me.

    PS Love you Jenny, but I love your dad more. He is funnyness.

  369. I once screamed the word taint about twenty times in a crowded restaurant because I didn’t understand it had an alternate definition and nobody would tell me what it meant. So I just kept yelling, “will somebody please tell me what is so funny about taint?!”

  372. You should compare notes with Paula Nancy Millstone Jennings of Greenbridge, Essex, England.

  376. This may be my favorite poem ever. Including all of those gems in “I Could Pee On This”.

  377. Sounds like my baby shower. I told them all to fuck off. Then I had a 1 hour, 45 minute labor. I made sure to go back and let them all know it too.

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