Talking about suicide makes me think suicidal thoughts, which is probably one of the stupidest triggers in the history of the world.
Nonetheless, it’s important that we do speak up and that we’re aware of the dangers inherent in the world we live in. And it’s not just about those of us with mental illness. About one in four adults suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year. That means if you think about your 10 favorite people in the whole world two of them could be at risk of suicide. That’s why it’s so important to recognize the warning signs and to know how to get help for yourself or others. If you or someone you know is thinking of suicide call 800-273-TALK, or click here for resources.
But for today let’s talk about the positives. Let’s talk about why we’re still here. Let’s talk about the words that help us get through. Let’s talk about the pictures and places and songs that saved us, because maybe they can save others.
I’m here because my daughter saves me every day.
The words that help me make it through are “Depression lies.”
And one of the many songs that has helped to save me is below:
Your turn.
I’m still here because I know the pain I feel day-to-day, real or imagined, couldn’t be fixed by one action. It’s helped by a constellation of actions, thoughts and places in my life that help me cope with how ridiculous and frivolous life can get.
I’m still here because of love.
You help so many and we’re all very glad you’re here.
Thank you.
I say that to you and to everyone and everyone who isn’t afraid to speak up about depression. That includes myself, as I know when I keep things inside, it festers, I feel more alone, the thoughts gain momentum and speed. If something is familiar, however painful, it can have tremendous appeal. Knowing that others can feel the same way and come out on top is so key.
So…thank you.
I have to keep reminding myself everyday… EVERY FUCKING day… that I cannot do that to my son
Thank you for posting this. I am currently struggling with a 9 year old son who is mired in depression and thinks that the world would be better off without him. It’s crushing. Finding help for a child suffering from mental illness is turning out to be almost impossible and I am fighting like hell to get him help. He comes by it honestly, since I am clinically depressed as well.
It. gets. better.
Depression does lie.
Jenny, thank you so much. I needed to read this. This weekend my depression has hit really hard & I have been asking myself what is the point of it all? Would it just be easier if I wasn’t here? I don’t know….I tried to end my life before and couldn’t even do that properly. I just seem to suck at everything I try. I want to get a hold of the depression once and for all, but I am really struggling.
Thank you for the post! I also suffer from severe depression and anxiety, and I especially like your “Depression lies” quote. Hope you feel better soon!!!!!!! Your blog always makes me laugh. 🙂
Depression lies is a good one! Also, people love you! No matter who you are or what you have done, someone somewhere loves you and would be devastated to lose you. Even if it’s just me who doesn’t even know you but can’t wait to see how your life turns out. <3
Stacy
I think you’d be amazed at just how many people are here because of you and this website x
My children save my life every day. I’m alive for them. I want to hug them on their graduation day. I want to see their babies. I want to be something someday even though when my world is crumbling its hard to envision those things I make it. Thank you.
Every day I try to remember to be grateful to be alive, and even more grateful if its one of the days I WANT to be alive. Three of my reminders for when things get tricky:
The book “Broken Open” by Elizabeth Lesser, its written in an anecdotal format so you can quickly reread a section that makes you feel okay.
A line from a poem by Rumi “There is a secret medicine given to those who hurt so hard they can’t hope. The hopers would feel slighted if they knew.”
The song “Pig” by Dave Matthews Band.
I went through a time where I had suicidal thoughts every day, all day long. My day would go something like this: “Should I get out of bed, or kill myself?” Then I’d get up and think “Should I eat breakfast, or kill myself?” It was a process of deciding, all day long, just to put off killing myself for the next little bit.
But here’s what I realized, after I came out of it – suicidal thoughts are an addictive process, just like drinking or doing drugs or compulsive eating. The thoughts gave me a way to avoid feeling the Big Pain, because I knew I was going to die soon. So all I had to do was make it through the next 15 minutes, not make it through life. Just like an alcoholic just has to make it to their next drink so they don’t have to feel their feelings.
Thanks for recogizing this day and pointing people to resources they may need. I have lost several family members and a close friend, and it really, really sucks.
I am in one of the deepest and darkest pits I’ve ever been in. I have a 3 year old. I am his only parent. I have no family other than him. Some nights when I contemplate some very bad things, I have to keep reminding myself that he needs me. But still, some nights when I feel like so much of a failure, it is easy to think about someone else taking him from me. Surely they’d be better at raising him. But I can’t do that to him, he’s my little ray of non-sleeping sunshine. Now if only I could crawl my way out of this pit long enough to get the help I need. It is hard to go see a doctor when you have massive panic attacks sitting in the car when you get there. Drive-thru shrinks!!! Why hasn’t anyone invented that! It should be a thing.
“You know what gives me the courage to keep on living? The courage to love myself a little? It’s having a whole bunch of friends who really give a goddamn. When you share pain, there’s less of it, and when you share joy, there’s more of it. That’s a basic fact of the universe.”
— “Jake Stonebender” in “Fivesight” by Spider Robinson.
And me, often.
I’m here because I learned to choose my own scars.
The words that help me make it through are usually negative; i interpret them as a challenge and can’t help but take it.
And basically Ingrid Michaelson and Mumford and Sons’ entire repertoires help save me.
All we can do is keep breathing.
A permanent solution to a temporary problem. I think of that phrase often. And of my aunt who found herself needing that solution, and I wonder if she might have changed her mind knowing that we all still wanted her here with us.
That’s a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
And I’m glad you’re still with us.
I’m here because I choose to be. Each day I wake up, and am thankful for those who love me, who stand by me and who support me. I want to be here for them. I need to be here for them. And I need it, because they need me.
For me as well, it’s my daughter. I made her that promise. It’s sometimes hard to keep, but you don’t break that promise to your child. And I look for the little things throughout the day that make me smile, notice and remember them. There is always something. I write. And I remember your words, that depression lies.
I’m here because of my kids.
Words that get me through:
“There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” – CS Lewis
My kids save me constantly.
My 13 y/o cat saved me through high school and early adulthood as I was concerned that my parents wouldn’t know how to care for her, and I never trusted any of my boyfriends to care for her appropriately.
Now my husband and 1 1/2 y/o dog have joined that team, and now that I’m on meds again, I’ve been feeling stable enough to start trying for a baby or two.
My favourite band ever. Watching this video, listening to the CD/MP3 and even singing it to myself has saved my sanity and possibly my life more than once.
I am here because even in my darkest moments my daughter is still there happy and loving me. I am here because I have no right to do that to my family and friends. I am here because I was finally able to pick myself up just enough to start going to counseling this week. I am here because I am worth it!!!
Depression lies.
Thank you for shouting this from the rooftop and giving so many of us the courage to add our voices. The world is a better place because you are in it.
I’m here because I couldn’t imagine my daughter growing up wondering why her mother didn’t love her enough to stay with her and because some wonderful people helped me along the way.
My mother was fond of saying “As bad as you feel right now, something may come along tomorrow to make you feel just as good. You just never know; you have to wait and see.” I kept a magnet in my purse for a very long time with the quote ” Courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says ‘I will try again tomorrow.’ ” and I would say to myself over and over and over “I will try again tomorrow.”
It often comes down to “what would happen to the cats?” And then I come read your blog and find Tim Minchin or Amanda Palmer or Dr. Pants have joined you and wonder what you’ll post about next…. whatever gets you through the day, right?
My son also makes me get up in the morning on days I have no other reason to. I exsist because of my love for him. The words I use for myself to keep me here are “I love you”, because I do love so many people. So, so many. And I know they feel the same. It’s a good life. It’s difficult and depression makes it even harder, but to laugh and feel love, well, for me, sometimes that’s enough. And I love you.
When I was 24, my childhood friend’s mother killed herself. The friend was my age. It devastated her. It devastated me. No matter how hard things get, I can never do that to my child, to my family, or to my friends. There are no words to describe how harmful the act of suicide can be to those around you. No matter how hard it gets, I cannot and will not do that to the people I love.
I’m still here because I know I’m loved by someone, even if it’s not myself.
Because I remember the beautiful wonderful peaceful days that seem to come randomly out of the blue. And I want to experience more of those so I wait things out.
I’m here because I won’t hurt the ones I love, who love me, the way I have been hurt. (plus meds and therapy.) Because I know that this is just my fucked up brain telling me fucked up things. Because even when I know that, my boyfriend will come spend time with me to make sure I don’t listen to it anyway. This song helps me remember I’m not alone: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n-HTx9qYOjU
Recently, my dear friend of 30 years was suffering through a severe bout of depression. I thought of you and I told her that depression is a lying bastard. First, we laughed (because it’s sort of fun to call depression a lying bastard), and then we talked about how her depression really was a lying bastard and that she is a truly wonderful person even though her depression was trying to convince her that she was a failure just waiting to happen. We stayed up most of the talking, crying and laughing. And then, it was a little better. Thank you, Jenny. Thank you for giving me the right words to start the conversation. You helped more than you know.
I am still here because of a few reasons. Your words : Depression lies, 5 years of being a 911 dispatcher showing me that no matter how bad it seems for me there is always someone who has it worse, seeing the effects of a suicide first hand to those who are left behind, and because of a certain friend I know I can talk to when I am having my darkest times and thoughts and she wont judge and will understand me.
Depression does lie.
What has always gotten me through is that I never know what new turn tomorrow may bring. And it has brought many amazing ones. I have a wonderful home, a loving partner, family who doesn’t get me but loves me anyways, and a job. Maybe not a job I always like, but in this economy, I can’t bitch too much.
I have it better than hundreds of thousands of people. And tomorrow brings a new twist in my picture, sometimes good, sometimes bad… but I can’t see it, live it, do it unless I’m here.
Sometimes that’s the only thing getting me through, that I need to see what tomorrow brings.
I’m here because my daughter is the one person who can always, without fail, make me feel like I am still valuable. Even if it’s three am if I can go in her room and give her a hug while she sleeps, I know that I have someone wonderful in my life.
I’m here because I want to finish my novel, and share my imaginary people and imaginary worlds with the world and give someone somewhere the entertainment of my words.
Mostly, I’m still here, because if I give in, and really try to check out, the depression wins. That lying bastard has stolen too many hours of my life, and ruined far too many of my days for me to EVER give it the satisfaction.
I’m here, because I’m stubborn.
When I get down, I look at pictures of cats, read something funny, or at the very least remind myself tomorrow things will probably feel better.
“Depression lies.”
“You are NOT alone.”
“It DOES get better.”
“There’s a lot of joy left to find.”
I’m here because of my daughter and my family. She’s an awesome 3.5 year old – starts preschool next week! – and I want to see what kind of amazing person she turns into. And my family… well, even though they drive me mad on occasion, they’re nifty folks. Most of the time 😉
Thanks for this, Jenny 🙂
Thinking of my mum and that I couldn’t do that to her is what keeps me going. I do worry how I will feel when she is gone.
God has given me a purpose in life, a cause greater than myself, and a support group of wonderful people who keep me both grounded and beautifully insane.
I am here because my cousin lost his life to depression several years ago and I am his link to this world. I am his chronicler for his young daughter, his stories, his little cousin who is now older than he will ever be but who will always remember him as a beloved and protective big brother. I am here because I don’t want any other families to lose loved ones to a fucking liar. I am here because depression sucks, and it sucks worse if you think you have to hide it, as my cousin did. Get that motherfucker depression out in the open and in the sunlight so that it will shrivel before the truth–that the world is an incredible and overwhelming and social and wondrous place. I am here because I wish I could have been there for Chris.
I got to see my oldest daughter put on her first homecoming dress yesterday. Reminding myself of each and every one of those beautiful moments that I would miss is what keeps me going. Seeing her joy makes me joyful. Knowing that if I took my own life, it would break something inside each of my kids’ hearts keeps me going.
I’m here because I know depression lies. I’ve felt that for years and said it as long as I realized that my perspective on life could radically change based on my biochemistry. I’m here because of my children and my husband and because I have seen what suicide does to the people left behind.
It’s often terribly hard to convince people I suffer from depression because I’m a performer and comedian and when people are funny often people assume…well, they don’t always get it.
That can make it worse yeah? It’s important to speak out about it.
Thanks for doing so.
I am healing from post-partum depression. I hate every day it makes me feel like a bad mom, but you’re right. Depression lies. My kids are well cared for and loved beyond anything and hugged and kissed and fed and safe and clean. I know I’m a good mom even though the Depression screams in my head, in the deep hole I’m in, with Depression’s hands gripping me, that I’m not. Stupid lying depression. The first time I laughed after having my 2nd baby was while reading the first book I was able to concentrate on…the Bloggess’ book. I laughed out loud. What a foreign thing that had been. You matter, Ms. Bloggess; you matter to your family and you matter to the people who you make laugh, especially when we thought we couldn’t ever laugh. We all matter!!!! That’s worth sooo much!!
Days like this are so important because, even though it “more acceptable” now to have depression, unless someone experiences clinical depression, they cannot fathom how crippling it is. It’s the silent specter that never goes away. It’s the unbidden terrible thought that pops into your head while your on the eliptical at the gym. It’s the nagging that will just not shut the fuck up no matter how many times you think you’ve silenced it. It’s a fight that never fucking ends. But it’s important to not give in, and to KEEP FIGHTING THAT FIGHT. Depression lies, and when it says that you will only have peace in death then tell it to go fuck itself. Life is worth the fight.
My son is still here… all because of a dropped french fry. It’s his story, though, and I cannot tell you more right now.
If a french fry can start the conversation, can you imagine what else can?
I’m still here because I couldn’t leave my husband with that kind of pain…and want to meet our sons and daughters someday.
Love you, Jenny. Keep on keepin’ on.
I’m here because in 1995, the wonderful dog I’d just adopted, who had finally learned to trust me, came over and sat next to me as I counted out pills, trying to figure out if I had enough to do the job. It was enough to realize I wouldn’t be hurting me; I’d be hurting HER. I picked up the phone and called for help instead.
Depression lies. Thank you, Jenny, for bravely speaking the truth.
What a song! Thank you. Made my cry a little, but in a good way.
I have to give my daughter most of the credit for making things seem easier and worthwhile. The last two weeks have pretty much been a train wreck for me, with things only beginning to look up this weekend when she came over for a visit.
I should also point out that on Friday I finally got around to buying your book and I couldn’t have read it at a better time. Thanks for reminding us we’re not alone.
Having lost relatives to mental illness, I truly and deeply appreciate your post; if only people were more aware of the real threat that suicide is… instead, most people avoid the topic… it’s taboo. Thank you for bringing it up. Thank you for being there.
I have experienced the pain of losing someone close to me to suicide too many times in my life, and the reminders keep coming. Yesterday, I watched a friend pour her heart out through movement in her way of trying to put the memories of a love lost too soon to rest. I sobbed along with her and felt her pain. No matter how bad things seem, there is always something better around the corner. Maybe a smile to show that someone cares, or a card, email or phone call. Everyone matters to someone and it is so easy to forget that sometimes.
Depression does lie. It tells huge, fat ugly lies that seem so much like the truth, but aren’t. It can feel so hard to stand up to them but the fact that you do this in a way so public and honest means the world to more people than you will ever know. Thank you.
The doctor always asks, “have you had any thoughts of committing suicide or hurting yourself?” I always answer, “no” It’s not true, but I thing that they mean, “have you ever seriously considered it?” and then my answer is true. In fleeting moments, I imagine what it would be like to drive my car into a wall, or though a red light. Just because. Or what would happen if I just didn’t wake up. But then I think of my children and my mom. My poor mom. She would have to care for my children with all of their disorders AND deal with my death. That’s totally not fair. I’m still here because I can rationalize how fair/unfair and selfish of me it would be. And I believe in an afterlife, so I don’t think the suffering would end, but possibly go on forever…
I’m here because I’m stubborn.
Thank you, Jenny. Thank you a million times over for being so honest about mental illness and what so many of us are afraid to talk about. Thank you for still being here.
I’m here, like you, because my daughter saves me every day. And because of Paxil which, though I hate so many things about it, eases the crushing panic attacks that make me think I am going to die and then wonder, again, if I want to.
Depression lies.
Thank you for this. I wrote this post: http://terminallysnarky.com/2012/07/22/suicide/ so people wouldn’t feel alone, and what you have done here performs the same function (albeit for a much larger audience), and that’s amazing.
I’m still here because of my baby brother and sister.
I’m here because I know the empty space that is left behind and I could never do that to the people I care about.
My words are “All will be well” because it acknowledges that all might not well now, but the future is not now.
I’ve struggled with Depression for most of my life, I deal with it in ways that I can. Like by moving across the country, or listening to loud industrial music and screaming the dark suicidey lyrics. I also write poems, I’d say they were vogon poems but people actually like them and say they’re good. I can’t judge my own work…
I think the best reason not to kill yourself is that if you do all of the a$$#0!es that make life miserable will get what they want… And no-one wants that. Except the a$$#0!es.
http://vortexian.wordpress.com
My brother took his life three months ago. Thank you for placing attention firmly on this terrible epidemic.
My husband, my best friend, keeps me here. My sons keep me here. “Depression is a fucking lying rat bastard” keeps me here. Laughter through tears keeps me here. People who understand, like YOU, keep me here.
I don’t have any kids but I remind myself every day that I do have my doxie and my hubby, both of which in all reality would be lost without me, and there are people who love me.
I’m still here
because I couldn’t figure out how to tell my little boy in a note why Mommy left him
because my brother found me in time
because my soul was stronger than a gut full of booze and pills
because I need to offer hope to someone else who needs it
I am here because of my dogs. I was so close to suicide last year but I stopped myself when I realized what would happen to them. And now, for the first time in my life, I have someone who truly loves me and I actually feel like I belong to a family.
Amanda Fucking Palmer! Yes! This song got me through some really hard times!
I posted to my FB this morning about World Suicide Prevention Day and outed myself to a bunch of friends who didn’t know about my struggles with the deep pit that it depression and suicide. One friend actually came out and asked me for help, so I feel that I did something good by sharing my story.
I am here because my friends reminded me how important I was to them. Be it by hanging out, by screaming at me over the phone when I wasn’t able to rationally discuss my feelings, by dragging me into hospitals and to therapy appointments, and by just being there to help me through the darkness. And my one friend J always stated to me “It only gets better from here.”
My last attempt was 2 years and 1 month ago. Just this week I purchased a house, I have lost 30 pounds since June in taking better care of myself, my job reminded me how great I am, I became an Aunt to a beautiful baby girl, and have given advice to friends who are also struggling. This is the “getting better from here” that J spoke about so many times before. And for me, this has made my struggle through that dark path soo incredibly worth it. I am happy now. I am contented. Will I fall again? Its almost certain. But I know that the storms will pass and the sun will return. And that’s what I tell anyone who’s there in that darkness, struggling to escape. The storm will pass. It WILL get better from here.
I feel hopeless and trapped sometimes but luckily not suicidal. My mom, however, has these thoughts. I think it helps her that she knows we are there for her and that we will do anything to help her. We remind her it’s not normal to feel that bad, and there is help.
It’s my dog and dance. He reminds me every day that he needs me and that I am loved unconditionally.
Whenever I get suicidal thoughts I go buy myself another video game. It’s hard to contemplate death when I am trying to level up.
The positive for me is that it actually *did* get better. Incredibly, insanely, no-suicidal-feelings-for-years-BETTER. Two decades of therapy, and finally it clicked for me, and I was able to cope with things without feeling suicidal. And since, so far as I can tell, I’m no stronger or smarter than anyone else, my message is this: feeling suicidal SUCKS, but you really CAN get to a place where it’s over. You can get to a place where it’s not that life is perfect, but the good outweighs the bad. You can get to a place where it doesn’t hurt so much. You can get to a place where you go for months on end without feeling depressed.
You can get to a place where you are sometimes so filled up with joy that it’s hard to imagine.
Really. YOU can. If I could do it–and there’s nothing special about me that isn’t special about anyone else–you can too.
How did I do it? Mostly, I just kept working to cope with the depression. I didn’t take any amazing medication or eat any particular food or read any particular book. I just kept slogging through the best that I could. And I’m here to say that if YOU keep slogging through, you might reach that place where you don’t have to slog any more, and you can just feel better.
It wasn’t until those words on some random day that it hit me: it’s all a big lie. Depression has been and will continue to lie to me, to be a liar. I am here because I love my family. I want to say I love myself more but this is my truth: I love THEM. If I ever get to the point of needing help, I hope I’m strong enough to ask for it.
I’m here because of the little things. Those small things that make you smile when you’re feeling blue, laugh when you think you might cry, and act silly when you feel so seriously depressed. Kind words from people, a happy nail polish color, helping someone with a little task, a cute cartoon, or a funny blog post (hint, hint)… even though each moment might last less than a minute makes the days seem easier to deal with.
Oh, and my cat.. who of which is a little thing (smaller now that she becoming a little old lady kitty), but has a big personality and had put up with my crap, which is no little feat, and has helped me get through some of the toughest times in my life. She’s been here for me and really had no choice in the matter, so I make sure to be here & stay here for her.
I’ve lived through countless unimaginable things that have even made my former therapist question how I hold it together. I’ve mired through clinical depression for sixteen years. Months at a time of not being able to get out of bed, brush my teeth, or stop crying for no fucking reason whatsoever. I’m not going to lie, it’s been hell. BUT…The one single time I thought of checking out, I thought of who would find me. There was no way I could do that to my son. No way. I’ve been to numerous funerals of friends and family who have decided to give up. Some, we still celebrate their birthdays and torture ourselves with questions of why, how could they not have known how much we loved them, and how could we have prevented it. I still question which is more selfish; me for still wanting them here, or them for taking their own lives. I still miss them, every day. I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone else.
I’m still here because my amazing, wonderful, beautiful, big brother no longer is. I miss him so much that I now realise I must never do the same thing to the rest of my family and friends – the people I love and who I have to keep remembering, love me too…
I miss you, you daft sod.
Keep on buggering on, everyone. We all matter. We’re all important. We’re all amazing. Yes, even YOU!
Depression Lies.
I am here because of my sister who kept me on this planet in my younger years. I couldn’t leave her here alone, though she left me years later for a life of drugs, alcohol, chaos and lies.
I am here because of the girls God gave me to watch over. I owe them.
I am here because of my sisters, without whom I would be so alone.
I am here because tomorrow everything could change – just like that – and I wouldn’t be here to see it… and it’s what I was waiting for all along.
I heart you Jenny. Be well. <3
I’m here for my daughter. And my husband. And because someone else did it first and I can never do to them what our friend did to us. It was crushing and horrific and I couldn’t put my husband through that trauma ever again. And I want to see my daughter turn 2, and 5, and 10, and 16, and 30… And I want to see my husband turn old and grey alongside me.
Depression is a lying bastard. Friends and family are the truth. Pills help us see the distinction. And Jenny helps us laugh about the confusion. 🙂
When I suffer through bouts of depression and when suicidal thoughts run rampant through my mind, I chant to myself “This too shall pass.” The thing I have learned after 25 years of on and off again depressive episodes is that it always gets better – it always passes. I will be at my lowest, darkest, scariest places and then it passes and life will be OK again.
Also, I did actually try to kill myself about 16 years ago – tried to overdose with drugs and booze. I blacked out, so don’t remember doing this, but apparently I called a fried and told him what I did and asked for help. He stuck his fingers down my throat and made me vomit for the rest of the night. Probably saved my life. So, when I think about suicide, I remind myself that I don’t really want to die. If I did, then I wouldn’t have called for help that night.
I’m still here because of Love. Love I have for my friends, family, my girlfriend, my daughter, God… and the Love they all have for me. It sustains me even when I’m feeling badly about myself.
This is on my Twitter today: Someone loves you, I love you. And I can’t live without you. Just in case you doubted and needed to hear it.
Jenny, thank you for being with us and being you.
I’m not taking this lightly , but I’m staying for Dr Who , in this particular moment . In other moments I stay for the people who love me . The ones who , universe bless them , KNOW that I may one day lose the war , but give me the love , affection , and unconditional acceptance in spite of . They find me worthy and help me see through their eyes , someone of worth , through my own.
Yeah, on one very blue day I happen upon AFP and played 52 of her youtube videos back to back, not sure what it was about her/them but I was happy in a way that meds never make me feel. I am eagerly awaiting the email with the download link to “Theatre is Evil”.
I’m still here because at my lowest I was a single Mom of an infant and I didn’t think anyone would realize I was gone and take care of him. Now I’m a Mom of four and I wouldn’t ever do that to them.
I’m here because for every person who doesn’t care about me and every challenge in my life, I have somone else who does love me and who is ready and willing to reach out a hand and help me through my hard times. Or just lie down on the floor with me and hold me while I cry. My friends give me the love that gets me through when I don’t know how to do it on my own anymore.
The song I listen to when I’m struggling is “Long Trip Alone” by Dierks Bentley. Life is hard to get through alone, so don’t do it alone. It’s okay to need help and to ask for it.
“So maybe you could walk with me a while
And maybe I could rest beneath your smile
Everybody stumbles sometimes and needs a hand to hold
‘Cause it’s a long trip alone”
I am here because as Ann Landers said “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and knowing that the collateral damage done would be immense. Further, I couldn’t and wouldn’t do that my family.
Hope.
Love.
My kids.
Reminding myself repeatedly that depression lies…and then reminding myself to believe that.
Im Terrified! My friend, we will call him Jason, is a long time depression sufferer and has tried to commit suicide multiple times(He tried to jump off a bridge last month) I knew about today, because he told me about it, AND now I cant seem to find him anywhere. After I read that talking about suicide is a possible trigger, Im wondering if he might try it again today. Advice?
(All you can do is let him know that you need him. Send him a Facebook message telling him you really need him to come over for dinner tonight. Sometimes it’s the little things that help. ~ Jenny)
Sometimes it’s my kids. Sometimes it’s because I’m too chickenshit. Sometimes it’s inertia. Every great once in a while my rational side wakes up and helps me realize it’s a stupid idea.
I’m here because I’ve learned over the years that “this too shall pass.” The bad times don’t last. Stay calm. Hang on. It’ll be better tomorrow.
I’ve never had thoughts of suicide but as a person who has to live with someone who did commit suicide, I want you all to know that we are here for you. I know it’s not my fault and I never blame him but please remember that anyone that knows you would move heaven and earth to help you. I wish I had gotten the opportunity to say that to him.
We need you all here. Our world is a much darker place if you leave. I’d be happy to help anyone who just needed someone to talk to, someone to just listen and even if I don’t even know you, I am here. There is hope.
I’m here because in 1996 my sister’s best friend took her life at age sixteen. I was eleven and she was like a sister to me. Seeing what that did to not just her family, but to mine, has kept me from repeating her mistake each time I get close. I never want to hurt anyone the way she hurt us.
I’m here because my family needs me. Because snuggles from little people heal when you think nothing can reach you.
The words that help me make it through are my sister’s: “I love you. I need you. Tomorrow will be better. And tomorrow I will still love you and still need you. No matter what.”
The pictures are me and my beloved, who died by suicide a couple years ago. And the one of my giggling girls as they looked at me with the biggest grins. I cherish them. The songs are “Blessings” and “Breathe (2 am).” The place is Balboa Park in San Diego, where my mother brought me as a little girl and I bring my girls to watch them play at the same koi pond and under the same tree.
I’m still here because the guilt over what it would do to my family is stronger than my desire to end things. Thankfully, I haven’t felt that low in a long time, but the memory of it is always vivid and fresh and horrifying. Thank you for being a voice for so many who feel like they’re suffering alone. And you’re right – depression is a lying, lying bitch.
words that get me through – A mind is a terrible thing to mind.
It reminds me my mind likes to do it’s own thing and it is very, very sneaky so I need to keep a mental leash law in place.
That and silly putty – it gives me something to do with my hands that isn’t putting food in my mouth and I can be as harmful to it as I want to and it’s still just the same. I should own stock in that stuff!
I’m here because I know what my death would hurt those around me, and I don’t have the right to do that to them.
It’s not about me.
My son. My son keeps me going. Being outside in the air and sun keeps me going. The knowledge that at some point it does get better – because I’ve been here before and gotten through it. And felt better. Even if right now hurts like hell. And my family. My mom couldn’t make it through her suicidal tendencies this summer. We lost her. But her depression stemmed from her alzheimers and I just keep reminding myself that she really wasn’t herself, and that she really would never be “whole” again and she knew it. Depression makes us FEEL broken, but we aren’t. Her disease really was breaking her.
My kids got me through the bad stuff. I couldn’t leave them. My husband too. Now my grandkids will get me through if I start to feel that way again. And my amazing friends who love me as I am. I mean genuinely love me! They get me. And knowing I’m not the only one helps too! It does get better, even if for a little while, it does get better.
I’m still here because depression is a lying bastard, and I’ve finally figured that out (thanks for your help with that). I’ve figured out that..
depression is not my fault
depression is temporary, but may come back, again & again
depression is an illness that can be treated with meds just like high blood pressure
depression is not me
and once again, DEPRESSION IS A LYING BASTARD, but I’m stronger & smarter.
I’m still here because at the end of my worst year ever, I met the person who is still my best friend in the world, and a couple years later I met my other best friend. The two of them and their love and friendship saved me a thousand times over.
I’m still here because my family is hugely supportive of me.
I’m still here because modern medicine can work miracles and quiet the crazy thoughts.
I’m still here because you told me that depression lies.
I’m still here because I can listen to Kelly Clarkson’s “Stronger” over and over and over again and make it my personal anthem. I am stronger than depression. I have a silver ribbon tattoo on my ankle now, reminding me of that every day.
I found your blog back in February of this year, after I made a very serious suicide attempt that landed me in hospital for 3 and a half days, with the possibility of being incarcerated at their “facility”(I.e. The Bughouse). I was searching the web for anything that would let me know that I wasn’t a criminal or insane or a moral degenerate (because that’s what the hospital staff made me feel like). I found your site, and have been laughing ever since! Depression has stalked me my entire life, and the squalid bastard still comes around, but I’m determined to pull something good out of this life, even if I have to fight every inch of the way. I hope that all y’all will strive to do the same! Remember the immortal words of Courage Wolf: “When Life gives you lemons, punch Life in the dick”. Stay strong!
Because I don’t want to miss a minute. And I don’t want anyone else to miss a minute, either.
On July 10th the world lost a beautiful woman named Tracy, who so many loved. Her depression got to big. I wish she knew how deeply, DEEPLY we all loved her. How much she helped us when we needed an uplifting message, how she made us laugh; laugh until it hurt. I wish…..we all wish so much.
Knowing as many people as I do that suffer from depression, I can only be thankful every day that I don’t. I do, however, deal with ADHD, so I understand the difficulty in dealing with a so-called invisible illness.
For those that do suffer, try to remember a few things through the tangled fog of lies weaved by that most sinister of demons, Depression:
You are not alone.
Yes, it hurts, but it won’t always hurt.
Try to latch onto the things in your life that are good and awesome. Try to think of the things you bring or can bring to this world that no one else can.
Focus on the difference you want to make. And remember that you are brave enough to make it.
Also, watch a man get hit in the face with a monkey. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTO5yiN1b-I
suicide has directly had an impact on my life. and it showed me that for all those years that i thought it was an option…it is not.
there were people left behind. children that suffered. doubts that crept into my mind. what if i could have said something. what if i could have done something. 10 years of guilt. and it sucked. and depression lies. it lied to me. but the suicide…it was not worth it. for as bad as he thought things were…as bad as he thought they could get…the worst part was what was left.
who was left.
I’m here because I can’t stand the thought of losing or giving up. Also because I have an incredible problem with guilt and if there’s an afterlife I would spend it feeling guilty for giving up, losing the fight, and letting all my loved ones down. I’ll take the meds, unnecessary feelings of guilt and occasional breakdowns over not living at all any day…every day, in fact. I may not like me all the time, but I will always like me enough to keep me around.
Jenny – this forum is like group therapy, only better. Nobody yells back at you that you’re a stupid fucking asshole and that you should just get a life and move on. YEAH!!!!!
Oh, and great song.
The power of music is just mind-blowing.
You are an inspiration. I’m happy every time I see one of your posts pop up on my wall.
Thanks for posting this. You do realize that you’re the reason a lot of us are still here? You make us laugh, or cry, or laugh until we cry, with every post you make. You are a wonderful person. I’m glad you have Victor and your daughter to keep you in writing material. Thank you for being there for us. We’re here for you.
Talking about suicide makes me think suicidal thoughts, which is probably one of the stupidest triggers in the history of the world.
Me, too. This will probably be triggery, so you can skip the first chunk and go down to what helps me forget.
I have trouble wondering why suicide is a bad thing, though. It’s always seemed like a neutral thing to me, except that I already feel like I’m a horrible person for being such a drain on my friends and family, and they keep telling me that if I died, it would be hard on them. It aggravates my Catholic guilt complex to no end, and then I just feel worse because I can’t do anything about it. (Medicine doesn’t help me, neither does therapy. I recently tried a new medicine that worked for a few months, but then it just made my dysmenorrhea spike worse. When I started hormonal bc, it just leveled everything out, so I don’t have any good days, but not really horrible ones, which is just like an average day before I started my meds. I’ve probably been clinically depressed since pre-school, when I look at the “does your child have depression?” charts. I’m 28 now. I’m also not actively suicidal at the moment, but I am still at the point where I see dying as a desirable thing, obv. It was really weird when my medicine was working properly and I didn’t think about dying all the time. But I’m already at the max dosage, and it’s not even technically a depression med in the US (Savella).)
Anyway, other than the guilt about the mess I’d be leaving behind for my family, the thing that keeps me going is looking forward to trips and events and whatnot. I have to have something external – right now, I’m planning a day-trip to the Magic Kingdom in 8 days, and also a more long-term goal of going back to France for 12 days next September, even though I can’t really afford either. But I get excited about planning the details of the trips and making lists, which helps me forget how unhappy I am. (Anything that’s longterm or nebulous doesn’t work, because I can’t stand the idea of doing something without a clear goal. that’s probably part of the reason I haven’t been able to get a job that pays a living wage or move out of my parents’ house.)
I also have recently started collecting fountain pens again. I’m a newbie to the FP community, but I really love the fun of using something so obviously sciencey and cool. And there are so many ink colors! I bought this Sailor Clear Candy pen last week and it’s my new favorite. I have pink ink to put in when the black that came with it runs out, too. 🙂
A thing that I enjoy: making lists of Things To Do for My Trip with my fountain pens in pretty inks on nice stationery. It’s so satisfying!
Thank you for this post.
The main thing to help me through is the knowledge that some of the people who have tried to help me would feel responsible/guilty if I ended my life. That would be no way to show how grateful I am to them.
One of my friends has a song with the line “there’s so much more”, and letting her voice remind me of that always gives me strength.
Your mantra of “Depression Lies” has helped me through many a difficult day. It reminds me that my emotional state does not determine reality. Depression is, as my husband once said: “A cloud before the sun.”
Exercise, ‘me’ time, and seeking out new things to try and enjoy are very helpful in keeping life fresh and meaningful. Spending time with friends and family also helps a lot.
Suicide is the ultimate lie. Fight it.
Reading Tolkien. The Lord of the Rings movies help as well. I get to visit Middle Earth for awhile, am away from other things for a little bit.
Amanda Palmer rocks.
Morbid curiosity mainly. I want to see what happens next. I want to see how my tv shows end up. I want to see who gets elected. I want to see my kids and grandkids end up. But there is also a good portion of fear. I’m afraid of all of the posible bad things that can happen that I can’t prevent. Fear of the possible is my trigger for anxiety.
I’m still here because my identical twin boys who were diagnosed with Autism at 18 months, almost 9 years ago, would be lost without me.
Thank You Jenny, I am going to do EXACTLY that.
I’m here for so many reasons, mainly my husband and kids. Also, I’m too chicken to do it.
I’m here because I was shown every day that I am not alone. It was hard to learn to ask for help, but once I asked, it came in droves.
The mantra that got me through my last deep depression was, ‘This is temporary.’
And this may seem trite, but this video always makes me smile when I’m in a dark mood, because it gets me doing a little dance and makes me thankful for our nation’s troops:
‘Call Me Maybe’, spoofed by U.S. Military:
http://youtu.be/R2ySHSTEzjQ
My kids already lost their father to suicide, therefore I’m not allowed to take my own life. In brighter moments there are many aspects to life that are lovely enough to keep me around. When darkness falls and there is only chaos and fear, I rely on that one rule that requires me to endure. It’s as much for me as for them–if I cease to be the kind of person that doesn’t want her children to see both parents give up on a life with them, then I will have lost the last of my personhood, and there really wouldn’t be a point in going on.
I don’t have depression, but what is starting to be a paralyzing anxiety. It’s there all the time. Will we be able to pay our bills this month? Will my husband lose his job? Will he get into a car accident on the way to work? Will my kids get hurt? Anxiety lies too. While the chance for all of those things to happen are there, they are very slim, but I make myself sick worrying about it. Also large crowds of people and driving make me anxious. I have a hard time explaining this to my husband, who is one of the best people in the world because he doesn’t get it. “Don’t worry” is his answer. Everyday this feeling is there.
Reading on this blog that I’m not alone has helped. Also one of my friends who keeps me busy by involving me in a book club project (It’s called Classics without all the class on Goodreads, if anyone’s interested! Work in Progress so be warned!) that Jenny, you have inspired in a way. So Jenny, I’m glad you’re still around. It makes the world a better place for the rest of us.
I’m here a) in part because I’m too scared not to be. b) Because it would kill my mom. and c) because of you.
I have extremes highs and extreme lows that jump me from behind and make me their plaything princess. The thing that gets me through is the fact that even when I’m feeling at my shittiest, it still makes me happy to make other people laugh. And that’s why I wear a clown nose on my penis.
I’m going undercover today for this, but I am still here because it would take away MY pain, but make countless others hurt, which wouldn’t be fair to them. It lies it lies, oh does it lie.
I’m still here because I am sure I still have something to contribute to this life. When I look back at my life and think about my attempts, I am thankful they were not successful. I have so much more in my life than I ever imagined I have. I also have talent and promise. I try to sort through all the hassle and pain to embrace the blessings. It’s not just that my kids, family and friends NEED me. I understand that despite occasional differences, those I love most WANT me in their life. I want to be here. It took me a few decades to understand that.
Well, I promised myself that I’m never going to die that way. It’s a horrible way to go. I want to be old and accomplished and I want to help others think positive things as well. In the back of my mind, I’m still not sure the world is a better place with me in it but hey, it takes time, right? Stay strong Jenny, you’re not even aware how many people you have saved. Love you!
Fuck yes!
Thank you.
I forgot to mentioned the Beatles’ Abbey Road Medley starting with You “Never Give Me Your Money” through “Her Majesty”.
I am here because I am not alone in feeling the way I do. And I never will be.
I was in a dark place yesterday, and thought about it for the first time in a few years. What stops me is the assurance that things get better, and ending this life solves nothing. You don’t get a do-over if you want to start over, we get one shot at this. There is so much to look forward to, because I don’t have the answers and I don’t know what tomorrow looks like. What if it’s beautiful? I’m willing to stick around to find out.
I’m here today for several reasons – the most important of which is my dog, Phoenix. He can hardly stand to be away from me for the 8 hours each day I’m at work, so I can’t imagine how heartbroken he’d be to never see me again.
I’m here today because I have made it through every other shitty day of my life and occasionally I am rewarded with a great day.
I’m here today – and this is pretty morbid – but I intern at a Coroner’s office, and seeing the people who have successfully committed suicide AFTER they have done it just breaks my heart. It is the most undignified way to go, and instead of hurting someone who has hurt them, they’re hurting the people who love them, and that sucks major watermelons. I think that they should show people who are hospitalized for attempting suicide pictures of people who have successfully committed suicide, because if there is one thing that will deter me when I’m feeling my worst, it’s that.
I’m here because no matter how severe my depression gets, I’m still afraid of dying.
I am not currently depressed, but I don’t know that there’s any particular thing that would be my rock should another bout hit me.
I don’t suffer from depression, mental illness or anything as such. But if I ever do, I hope I will be able to hold on to the thought of so many many brave people such as you all who fight and succeed everyday. I am in awe of you
Ok, I am here for several reasons…but most recently I would have to say it because of you Jenny. Through your blog, I have found a wonderful group of new friends, we are on facebook . The page is called Lawsbian Awesomeness, without these people I don’t know if I could beat back the depression everyday and function.
If you feel lost, or alone and need someone to talk please come to the group. We are walking this hallway with you and are kicking depression in the nads…or at least trying to depression is a slipperly little basterd…
So thanks Jenny…you made it all possible
My friend lost her son to suicide 4 years ago and she still suffers because of it, EVERY DAY! I am here, because I can’t do that to her, or to anyone else who cares about me. Some days, I feel like that isn’t even reason enough, but I’m still here, so it must be.
That is a tough one. I just got off a week of vacation and I have to say – having work as a purpose to get up and out saves me a little each day. I had to fight the depression each day last week – thus I made appointments for EVERY day just to make sure I showered & dressed daily. I know if I don’t have something or someone depending on me to get up, I will stay down all day. And one day can lead to two and three and four…..
Isn’t that sad to say Work is what saves me? The love of my parents and husband just is not enough sometimes. They are the reason for not being suicidal, but not enough to keep the depression at bay.
Jenny, your blog and book does help me though. Depression is a lying draining b*****d that so few understand. Snap out of it is not something you can just do – and so many do not understand. Thank you for being the brave soul you are.
So….my dad had 2 strokes in 2007. His life has been turned upside down with his loss of independence, memory loss, inability to work…depression took over about a year ago and he JUST admitted to the occasional thoughts of suicide that he has had.
I too have depression – so I know what he is going through and it kills me that I can’t stop it for him. BUT the one thing that keeps us BOTH going is my son, Tristan. And for THAT, I thank that little red-headed 5 year old that, at times, drives us all a little “crazy.”
Aside from wanting to see the beautiful faces of my kids for as many days as I’m able to, I think of how many “tomorrows” turned out way better than the “todays”.
It used to be that I was here because I was a coward. Also, because pain is painful, and who wants that (except for some who are into that sort of thing: if anyone who reads this counts themselves in that group, I am not being judgey.)
But now, I have taken the mantra of “Depression Lies”, and it is working pretty well.
~EdT.
“When you are depressed, don’t believe what your brain is telling you. It is lying.”
I’m not trying to be funny, this is completely serious, but why I’m still here is because if the fear that I wouldn’t succeed at suicide and I’d be left a vegetable or somehow worse off than I was before. Admittedly though, I’ve always retained an odd sense of hope that things can’t get much worse so they have to get better. Also, I got a dog.
I’m here because I was born alive when I should have died before I was born and I am holding on to find out why.
The last time you posted the Amanda Palmer video I just fell in love with her music. Thank you so much for that. I’ve backed 2 of her Kickstarters now.
I’ve never been suicidal. But I’m close to people that have been. I try to make it clear that suicide is a permanent response to a temporary problem. Also that they are loved and like all things this too shall pass. I’ve since added Depression Lies!
Thank you for being vocal and not being afraid to be judged. I’m more aware of my own mental issues and not afraid to let others know.
*great big squishy you rock so fucking hard hugs*
I am here because I am a firm believer in reincarnation…If I killed myself this time around, I’d just face the same shit next time. I figured I’d have to get it off my list in this life.
I am here because I couldn’t bear to leave my husband and my girls with the pain.
I am here because even though the thoughts and actions came in waves, I knew there would be a trough after the wave, and I could get through somehow…
In high school, the song Out of Control by Oingo Boingo kept me going. Danny Elfman’s lyrics made me aware that I wasn’t the only one, even though I didn’t know who was “with” me.
Thank you, Jenny, for your openness and helping us find who is *with* us.
xoxoxoxo
Jenny
I lost a friend to suicide almost 2 weeks ago. I only found out after that he was suffering from depression and he was embarrassed and never talked to me about it. He was taking Zoloft and suddenly stopped a few weeks before and that may have contributed to it. I wish I could have talked to him before. I know, thru you and others, that depression does lie and that IT WILL PASS. That you for everything you do to help spread the word about depression and other mental illnesses. You really are a life saver! xoxo Imelda
My songs: “This is Not the House That Pain Built” by Catie Curtis; “What Do You Hear in These Sounds” and “Spring Street” by Dar Williams
From Spring Street:
So I’ll push myself up through the dirt
And shake my petals free
Unresolved to being born
And so resigned to bravery.
I am here because of my five year old son. And my husband. And because there is too much to live for. I need to see new pictures of Hunter S Thomcat and watch him grow. I have a Jack Russell with issues and who would hold him when he has a panic attack or a seizure? I have six cats who depend on me for love and attention. I have books to read and places to see and frankly it would give my mother in law too much joy. I have a pekinese with no issues but I would miss her bounce and snortiness way too much. How can I leave when I need to see what you are going to say or do next? Because no matter how bad it gets something good is always on the way. Never stop fighting Jenny. I hope you know how much joy you bring and how you make the world a better place to be.
Thank you for posting this Jenny. This weekend was a very bad bad weekend, and today has only been slightly better because I have to be happy(ish) for my 2 year old daughter. But this has genuinely cheered me up a little; knowing how many other people are suffering at the exact same time as you is kinda like getting a big hug, to know you’re not alone.
Jessica
P.S
I *love* that song.
So far, at least one of my sons still need me. That’s about it. But one day. And sometimes it’s not a lie.
I’m still here because of my children. I couldn’t do that to them. Everyday, even on days where they have me nearly pulling my hair out, there is at least one moment where I am reminded by them of how lucky I am to be here.
Thank you for posting this.
I’m bipolar and have begun blogging about it a bit because I think that talking about it allows others to feel less alone and less stigmatized when they NEED to talk about it. My daughter also saves me on a daily basis. She doesn’t have a clue and has just bobbled around for 5 years happy as pie and it has made my life worth living. Well, that and the fact that being bipolar makes depression easier to take. There’s a logical part of my brain that says, “hang in there because you’ll have unicorns shooting out of your ass any day now”.
I don’t have kids, and I don’t kill myself. I don’t have a husband and I don’t kill myself.
You are worth it, even without kids or a spouse. Or family.
YOU ALONE are enough. And ME ALONE is enough.
Thanks for that xx
I am here to tell the stories that only I know.
I’m here because of two amazing children that keep me going. They are literally the very reasons that I get out of bed every single day.
My uncle, one of my most favorite people in the world, struggled with depression and probably PTSD after returning from Vietnam and committed suicide when I was a teenager. Every time I think of him, I think of everything terrific in our lives that he’s missed and I simply will not miss any greatness. This is my other motivation to continue to say “Depression lies…”
My cat saved me. I thought “who would be his mom if I wasn’t here?” Then I started laughing at the idea that I was a cat’s mom. Well, it felt so good to laugh that I was able to see a glimpse through the darkness and crawl out. There he was, patiently waiting for me on the other side of the darkness. He is gone now but there will never be a time when my house is not inhabited by a life-saving cat.
I’m here because of the guilt I feel leaving my daughter in that kind of pain.
I’m also here because I worry that my attempt would be just that, an attempt and that the recovery would be worse than the actual death. (pathetic isn’t it)
I’m here. And sometimes that’s the best thing I can possibly say about today.
I lost my best friend and first love to suicide at 16. And I’ll never forget the heartbreak we all shared in the wake. My friends and I made a cliche teenage promise to always be there for each other even as we grow apart. We meant it, and we’ve taken each other up on the offer many times. Depression does fucking lie. And sometimes it masquerades as the solution to a temporary problem.
Years later when my uncle left a suicide note and disappeared it opened all of those old wounds. I hated knowing the grief that would come along. We didn’t find his body until 4 years later, and the grieving started again. I don’t want the responsibility of putting anyone through that (even if I am dead and don’t have to face it).
I find it incredibly ironic that today, when I cannot stop the tears from slipping down my face, when I see no hope, no way out, no light…today, when I have to remind myself again and again and AGAIN that “children of a suicide never recover”…when I am looking desperately for any distraction from this horrible, consuming pain and torment, that I find out that it is World Suicide Prevention Day.
It is hard to remember that depression lies when everything it is saying feels true, when it feels like I am hurting because I am looking at myself and my life as it really is, without the masks and covers. It feels like my life is a lie, that -I- am a lie, and depression is where the truth is.
Today I am here because children of a suicide never recover. Because I promised my friend Michael that I would not hurt myself today. Because of you, Jenny, and this post.
But oh, it is so hard.
Sometimes I don’t know why I’m still here. Sometimes I don’t know if I can get through. And sometimes, once in a very long time, I remember. Those moments make it worthwhile.
I am so, so fortunate that my brain chemistry, while in need of a little assistance, has never pushed me to the point so many of you have been. You all have my utmost support and respect for having had the courage to push, tumble, crawl, or hurtle yourself over that terrifying point.
I’m here because I watched my best friend grieve for her mother, and I realized I didn’t ever want to cause someone that much pain. Weeks later I was in counseling, so when I was actively suicidal I had a support system in place to help me make it through.
My husband, nieces & nephews are why I am still here. I also listen to Alanis Morissette’s “That I Would Be Good” (http://www.alanis.com/music/lyrics/that-i-would-be-good-%E2%80%93-supposed-former-infatuation-junkie-%E2%80%93-1998/). Her songs have become a bright light when I see the darkness coming, especially this song as it reminds me that I am good even when I don’t feel good. You have also helped me, you are an inspiration for those of us dealing with anxiety problems – you help me laugh when I feel like crying and giving up. You helped me realize that I am not the only one going through the torments of anxiety, and for that I thank you.
I’m here because there are four children who depend on me and because my experience has paved an easier road for my oldest, who hopefully won’t ever hit that same rock bottom I did.
I nearly attempted suicide on Friday.
I still don’t feel like life is worth living, but at least I’m here.
I’m here today because 8 years ago the thought of leaving behind my cat was the only thing more painful than my life at that moment. Now I have a beautiful daughter to live for. I have learned to give myself permission to have a bad day; guilt only makes the depression worse.
I also thank the powers that be every day for medication. Without it I would be having repeated panic attacks, unable to leave my bedroom.
Thank you, Jenny, for being a voice for so many who suffer in silence. You are wonderful.
The two guys in St. Augustine, Florida that told me, while I had one screaming child on my hip and another holding my leg and blood streaming down my face…that I’m still beautiful. In my darkest moments I always came back to that night.
Yes! PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS! I just lost a dear friend 2 months ago to suicide, and I am now guardian of her beautiful 4 year old daughter. For my friend, she felt that she was doing better for her daughter by killing herself.
I am here for my son and husband…this summer was a very trying time for my family and I found that we are truly lucky for the love and support from our family and friends. So I am here for them too! I am here for Keely and her Mama because I know how much it sucks being a teenager. I am here because in the end I kinda like me and realize that depression does lie and I will get through this with a lot of love and support from my family and friends. I AM HERE FOR ME!
I’m here because as a teenager, I knew that no-one would care for my cat if I died, and I couldn’t do that to her.
And because I watched “Goodnight, Mother” and realized later (during a botched attempt) that I do enjoy the bowl of cereal in the morning, and sunsets, and birds flying, and many other small things.
And now, because I have seen what it does to people when someone dies, and I won’t do that to my friends and loved ones, not if I can help it.
And because James Booker has a hell of a left hand, and because of Beethoven, mad genius, and the cats I’m saving, and the people I help make the world a better place for, at least one person at a time anyways.
Because yesterday I attended the memorial service of yet another friend who lived with, and died with depression. While there is no concrete evidence that hers was due to suicide, it is clear to all her family and close friends that depression was a contributing factor in the events that resulted in her death. I remember the pain in the hearts and the eyes of all the loved ones of those I’ve known who have taken their lives. I don’t want that pain for my loved ones. So I chose the courage to take my meds, to talk to my therapist and to repeat the mantras “Depression Lies” and “It will get better” until I begin to believe them again.
And Jenny are one of my reasons. You are my real-life, honest to goodness heroes. Thanks.
In honor of this day, I will write a new blogpost about the time someone saved my life.
<3 I am glad you are here.
I am here because I live with the excruciating pain of losing my husband to suicide every single minute of every single day and I can not bear the thought of leaving my children in a world with no parents. I have to survive and fight on for them!
There is a song that helps be through the worst of it is “The Pass” by Rush:
“All of us spend time in the darkness, dreamers learn to look at the stars.
All of us spend time in the gutter, dreamers turn to look at the cars.
Turn around and walk the razors edge, don’t turn your back and slam the door on me.”
And thank you for always reminding us that Depression Lies.
I’m here because my family needs me. Because there is good I can do in this world and it’s not done yet. Because sometimes my brain hates me, but I know it’s not forever.
P.S. I love that song too. It’s #1 on my ipod. 🙂
I am here because of people like the Bloggess who remind me its okay to talk about mental illness and a little absurdity can go a long way. I think depression tries to silence your voice but as long as you keep talking about depression it will empower you to fight.
I’m much older then most of women writing here. As I look back, I realize how much pain I generated in my own head. It’s like taking a negative thought and beating yourself up with it over and over again. Of course emotions are complex. Still, I can’t remember a fraction of the reasons why I suffered over the years. A long term bout with agoraphobia brought me to my knees emotionally. A bout with cancer helped me see the value in just being alive. Thoughts are very powerful, defining. Here are few that helped me as much as ‘depression lies’. You may not be who you think you are, but you are who you think you are. I create my own reality, and I am responsible for my life. Being so self absorbed is toxic. I do NOT want to live my life from a place of fear. I remember to get pissed off and fight back at my own lies. I must remember to be grateful for what I have. And, I am not alone. A line in a Tom Petty song has become my mantra. ‘You can stand me up to the gates of hell, I will stand my ground, no I won’t back down”. I start to get in that survival mode. Yep, it takes Courage to be. A wise friend once said….’Don’t waste a good panic’. Well, I could go on and on…there are no perfect answers, just the ones you find that work for you. Oh, and I just found this blog, and have become a huge fan. The laughs, the tears, the warmth, and sharing your vulnerable heart….all very inspiring. I can see you have touched many lives in a most profound way. Your a good soul.
Diane
I think of the darkness and all of the lies as not coming from me, but as from an evil spirit who is trying to take me out because I have something good to do in the world, and this evil dark battle is the only way the evil spirt can stop the good from happening.
And sometimes I only am here because of my daughter. And my best friend whose mom committed suicide.
Two things have kept me here – two very different things. One of them was getting to know a man just a little older than me who had found his only child, his 18 year old son hanged in the family garage – seeing the dreadful heartbreak that caused him and his wife made me realise I don’t have the right to do that to any one. Strangely enough the other thing that kept me alive for many years was being on a pro-suicide website. It was a responsible site which always suggested people get other help before even thinking of suicide but knowing that it was an option – well – yeah that got me through – “I can always do it if things get worse”. Sometimes I made the choice to live for weeks at a time, sometimes I could only make the choice for ten minutes at a time.
My depression right now is numbing. It’s bad. I blame the horrid anxiety that is taking up all my energy.
But for things keeping me here? As much as I am afraid of the day, and depressed, and feel like a failure, it’s hard to do so when my daughter is kissing me and giggling. She helps a lot.
My Girl, and her wonderful understanding. Her snuggles help too.
Any thing that makes me laugh uncontrollably. Lately that’s been your book Jenny. Read it 4 times. Well some parts 4 times. Thanks for that. It helps so much.
Today I am in the midst of weaning off Lexapro, and it is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. So far so good…but…I never want to be so numb, so joyless and so hopeless ever again. Depression is a lying bastard. Thank you Jenny for speaking out. I’ve never seriously considered suicide, and I am grateful. But I want to hug everyone who has left posts here today and everyone who struggles. It does get better. You are not alone.
I’m here because I know I am loved and also because I love, even though the 2 lists might not be congruent. And also because I’m a naturally curious person who just wants to see how it all turns out and if I check out early, I just might miss some of the REALLY good stuff.
im having a really hard time today remembering why im here.
other than i guess my childrens dad worse seriously fuck things up without me to remember all the little things.
I’m still here because I let my husband talk me into believing I was a lesbian, which made me lose my job, which made me realize that all my support was coming from coworkers (and not great support at that), which made me realize that I needed to leave my husband. And I did. For me. So I can look my daughters in the eye and know that they see a healthy, whole mom – not one that’s depressed, beaten down and most days useless.
I’m still here because my mother never gave up one. I’m here because I got sick of being sick. I’m here because of two amazing therapists and a bucketload of medication. I’m here because I realized I was worth more than my depression. What gets me through is the love of my family. What gets me through is focusing on my art when I’m in a dark place. What gets me through is knowing that I’m worth something to someone in this big enormous universe of ours. And most importantly, what gets me through is knowing that there are other amazing people fighting the stigma too. Jenny, you are an inspiration to me.
Jenny
I hope you if you ever get to that point, you remember all of us and how much we love you and would miss you.
I love Amanda Palmer. When I need a pick-me-up, I love this video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rcoreV10hI8 I smile every single time.
Talking about meth and drugs and booze make me think about using. Super trigger. So our illnesses feed off of our own illness. Which is why you get triggered. Thank you for sharing such an important part of your soul. My husband suffers from PTSD, anxiety and severe depression. We have suicide pacts often. Super scary and sad way to live. I am glad you have support and this writing to help you.
Hang in there and PLEASE never stop talking.
I am here because I have to be a voice for my 6 year old who has autism and is non-verbal. I am here because I have to make sure my boys grow into the men they are supposed to be and not the man their father is. I am here because even though they have family who love them and would drop everything to be there for them, no one can replace mommy. I have to stay strong for them even when it feels hopeless.
You people spouting the platitude “permanent solution to a temporary problem” clearly don’t know what it’s like to have spent your entire life under the cloud of depression. For me, NOT being depressed has always been temporary. I thought my new medicine ($50/month, by the way, WITH insurance, for one script… $120 for BOTH current scripts – I only earn $1000/month at my job, which I’m afraid to leave because it’s the only job I’ve had that I enjoy, and I’m terrified that if I get a job I dislike, I won’t be able to bring myself to actually get up in the morning – thank goodness my parents are compassionate and let me live rent free)…anyway, I thought my new medicine was a miracle worker, but even it eventually failed me. I still take it because it keeps the worst spikes at bay, but I’m starting to feel it’s a waste of money that I could be putting towards my trip to France.
I’m sorry to break it to y’all, but platitudes like that are shit when someone has been fighting for 24 years (her entire life), and without even really knowing why she should even bother to fight it. Platitudes like that make me feel even worse for not understanding why everyone is so against suicide (even if I can clearly see that it’s the case), which makes me hate myself even more.
I don’t know. Apparently this comment thread is a lot more triggering than I expected, or I’m having a particularly bad morning. I am going to leave it and clean my new fountain pens and make a cup of delicious strawberry flavored tea.
I am here today because of my children. Plain and simple. They save me. Every day. From the time I got pregnant the first time, I’ve felt a reprieve from the constant thoughts of suicide.
Your words, “Depression lies” are awesome and definitely have helped me.
I am here because what if the ones I left got it all wrong? What if I could not tell them the WHY in a way they could understand? Instead I stay and talk and talk and talk …some people hear and understand. Some just hear. But, the point is, they hear because I am HERE. I guess that just makes me damn stubborn, even in my darkness.
The man who saved my life with his music killed himself. I won’t close that circle; I will leave it open and hope he touches others still. Forget me not, or I’ll forget myself.
I totally agree with you. My son saves me on a daily basis, even when he’s throwing spaghetti on the wall. My depression is in an ok state right now. I’m on the fence but the good days outnumber the bad ones and I’ve finally gotten my husband to talk about it. I tell myself that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and I’m way too damn stubborn to give up. I will keep fighting. I will not let this selfish decision claim me and affect those I love.
It helps to remember YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Yes, I thought about killing myself before, long ago. I even put a revolver in my mouth. What stopped me is that, at the time, my children were small and I could not leave them to be raised my an abusive father. They needed me. It was the only time I ever really contemplated suicide.
Thank you for this. There were so many years when suicide actually seemed like a viable option when considering how to deal with my depression. But luckily, I survived that time and I’m so happy I’m here. There is always a better day. Even if it takes a long time to get there. Thanks for all you do to make the world a better place, Jenny!
I’m here because two of my suicide attempts were foiled. The first time my step-mom took off work early and came by my apartment to pick up my laundry, only to find me passed out with muscle relaxers in my system. The second time I drove my car off a bridge, out in the country, in the middle of the night, with no one around. Instead of crashing into the ravine below, *magically* my Jeep landed gently on the front wheels and cleared every large rock and every tree without my hands on the wheel. Less than a minute later flashlights surrounded my Jeep because *magically* two cops were driving down that backroad at the exact moment my headlights turned off the bridge. I am alive today because I have NO choice but believe I am here for a reason. And less than six months after driving off the bridge I found out I was *miraculously* pregnant with my boyfriend’s child, even though I was told I’d never get pregnant. I am alive today because now I know, without any doubt, that my life is precious, has purpose, and there is someone out there bigger than me, who loves me enough to ruin two separate suicide attempts.
And my song that always grounds me and pulls me back out of darkness is, “All These Things That I’ve Done” by The Killers. http://m.youtube.com/#/watch?v=sZTpLvsYYHw&desktop_uri=%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DsZTpLvsYYHw&gl=US
I’m still here, honestly, out of arrogance and narcissism- I can’t imagine a world without ME, even if I have left virtually no imprint on it.
I’m here because I am proud and strong and I want to be there for the people I care about, whether it is to offer a hand to hold, a smile to pass along, an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on. This is especially important now, as a close relative has been diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor, and I know I need to be strong for my family, just in case they need me to be.
I don’t suffer from depression, but family members do, and friends do/have. I’ve lost people to suicide, and in one case two folks who felt like they were so trapped, their only answer was to go together, which they did. I think about them all often, and hope that I can be there for someone else before they feel like suicide is their only answer.
Jenny, you are a strong woman, even if you don’t feel that way all of the time–and you don’t HAVE to. Your strength is in your stories and your ability to express yourself in a way that others don’t necessarily believe that they can helps us all “get out” those thoughts and feelings we can’t always express. You have your family and friends both online and off and through them you don’t have to be alone. 🙂
I’m here, because the world simply wouldn’t be weird enough without me here.
I’m here because of my daughter. Before her, it was little people/things/ideas that would pop in my head to stop me from hurting myself. I can’t even name one song that is my go-to when things seem hopeless. My most recent “I’m-a-tough-cookie-and-can-get-through-this” song is Extraordinary Machine by Fiona Apple. It’s sort of upbeat (for Fiona Apple) and reminds me that I have always been able to rely on myself & adapt to anything, so why stop now?
There was a time three years ago when I seriously considered just letting go of the steering wheel of my car and finding out who would win—- the car or the barricade.
Thankfully after two years of therapy, support from my husband and lots and lots of exercise (for the mood enhancing benefits mostly) I am here and not battling these dark thoughts on a day to day basis.
But they like to creep at the edges of my consciousness. When it’s a cold, gray day. Or something particularly difficult is happening. And I am grateful to that Amanda Palmer song. And a hot cup of tea. And my husband.
The hubs and I are trying for a baby. And apparently I am ill equipped to become pregnant. We’re about to launch into a plan including fertility drugs. I could just let it wash over me. Decide I’m not worthy to be a parent anyway. But I don’t, by choice. Everyday.
Thank you Jenny. I live for my kids. September 14, 2011 my life changed. It was a great day, I had my 35 week prenatal appt, everything was going along great. I got the call that night that changed my life. While my Mom was at my house watching my other kids, my 19 year old brother took his life. I was 14 when we adopted him. I helped raise him and we were great friends. I miss him so much. I never want anyone to go through the pain that I go through on a daily basis.
Thank you for … being you!
To Cat, of post 160…
I’ve no idea who you are, nor you I. I’m in the uk and you could be down my street or halfway round the planet for all I know.
Today you made me so proud and so happy that I’m kind of welling up, just because I know you’re still here. Thank you.
Wishing you much love and buckets of luck,
Marianne x
I’m here because of my daughter and the guilt at what it would do to my family. My daughter is here because of your “Depression Lies” campaign. It gave me the courage to keep asking her questions until she admitted that she was planning to kill her self. I looked up the number for the suicide help line on the internet and she is now getting professional help. We battle each day, some are good and some aren’t, but you and everyone else here inspire me to keep going. Depression lies and your example reminds me daily that she can live her dreams.
Please, if you know someone who is depressed; keep asking them questions, keep talking to them. If they can’t make the call, dial the number and hand them the phone. It’s what I had to do and it saved my daughter’s life.
Beautiful, rocking post, Jenny.
I am the middle child between two mentally ill siblings and I have long been motivated to keep it real and stay well. Loving helps. Here’s quote from Louise Erdrich :
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
? Louise Erdrich
I think most people have suicidal thoughts from time to time. I also think the person who said these thoughts are addictive is right. The best advice I can offer is talk to someone, join a club, try a new activity that opens up your social horizons for those of you who are lonely or have limited family.
I haven’t had thoughts like that since I was pre-teen. 13 or 14 maybe, and it was more the thought of making people that I didn’t like sorry about things they had done to me. As I grew and matured, I did somehow find the control to let things go, and forget slights and move on with myself. I hadn’t ever thought of taking a suicide route in over 12 years.
Now, I am a single mom with a 4 year old who is the light of my life. It’s a tough thing sometimes, though.. I’m drowning in student loan debt because of this degree that everyone said I “had” to get, because it’s what Americans do… we graduate high school and go to college and get fancy jobs and drive fancy cars and spend tons of money and keep up with the Jones’…
I think something that really helps me through life, though, is visualization. Sometimes, when the world feels like it’s crashing down on me, and I feel like it’s weird that I haven’t burst into a thousand pieces and died from all of the stress yet, and I find that I can’t breathe very well… then I will sit down in a quiet room with a pen and a piece of paper. I will ask myself “What is the very worst thing that could happen to me through this course in my life?” Then I will think of whatever scenario I’m confronted with: I could lose my job. Run out of money. Never be able to travel, etc. [It was a job I hated- btw, I used this technique to find the courage to quit my job and pursue my passion for art and 3d design. I wanted to be home by 3 every day so that when my daughter comes home from kindergarten next year, I will be here to give her an afternoon snack and help her with her homework- as I want to be that mom for her.] Anyway, I would visualize my very worst-case scenario- “What would I do if I didn’t have any money?” I would lose my house. “Then what?” I’d have to move in with relatives or friends until I straightened my situation out. “How is that going to be so horrible?” It would be cramped, and I couldn’t do whatever I wanted when I came home. Maybe have to share a room with my kiddo… And I would continue my train of thought. “Then what?” “Then what?” And then at the end, as I’m staring down at my deepest, darkest fears, I realize that nothing is ever as bad as it seems.. and I get a new piece of paper, and I start over.. only this time, I fix the problems before they arise. “What will I do? How will I handle this? How is this situation maybe not so bad? What could these weird opportunities afford me?” It hasn’t ever gone the way I thought it was going to, and it’s never been as bad as I’ve ever been able to visualize it. I’ve even [visualized] gotten down to the scenario where I’d have to sell all of our stuff and move us to a different country- and the way this country is going, that isn’t even very scary anymore.
I haven’t solved all of my problems, but I feel more… in control. I feel like I can conquer what comes at me from day to day. When I start to lose heart because I don’t make a lot of money, or because I don’t have a nice car.. I think about how empty my life would be if I had all of those things, but lacked the things that I have now- my beautiful daughter, my loving family, doing something I love.
To be content with your life, even if it’s the life others scoff at you for… it’s its own kind of accomplishment. I don’t know entirely if it would help with depression- depression comes in so many forms… but I know that when I am feeling crushed and I’m having a hard time breathing.. this is the therapy I use to put myself back on track and calm the panic, and realize that I’ve got this.
So that’s my motto. “I’ve got this.”
You’ve all got this, too.
I’m still here because my mother once told me that I wasn’t allowed to do it to HER. It really made me think what a selfish thing I might be doing. She’s gone now, but there are my husband and the surrokids still to consider. When I go to the bad place, I don’t really care about anything, but I can remember that I once felt how selfish an act it is and it holds me in place. Also, I now have drugs.
And then there’s this:
I had a, relatively mild, depression in my early twenties and I remember thinking: I do NOT want to suffer through another sixty years of this. And then I sought help, and it got better, and better, and better. Depression does lie. And although it lies really skillfully, it is still a dirty, rotten liar, and the beauty and joy of life will come back to you in a while. The grey blanket will lift.
Really!
On a related note, did you read this beautiful letter by charstar on tumbler: a letter for the sad. Worth your while!
I’m here because every morning there are worms on the sidewalk that need me to move them to the grass before the sun gets too hot, and because my developmentally disabled neighbor needs a ride to the store, and because no one else in my office knows how to fix the stinking printer in our department. I’m here because they still make Dr. Pepper, and because I have tickets to like three upcoming concerts, and because Leonard Cohen recorded “Anthem”, and because I’ve only seen the first two episodes of “Breaking Bad” and there are 44 more on Netflix. I’m here because of Harry Potter and Katniss Everdeen, because of John Lennon and Bob Dylan, because of Charles Bukowski.
I’m here because after twenty three years of fighting this crap I’ve learned to hold on to every sweetness as a reminder that it’s not always so bad. I’m here because there are medical professionals that held back tears when I told them how very deeply I wanted to die and stood up for me when I couldn’t stand because they cared more about me than whether my insurance was going to pay.
I’m here because I never want to say goodbye to my kids and parents.
I’m here because people love me enough to remind me that I belong here and because one day someone I love might need me to remind them that they belong here.
Thank you for talking about your struggles in a public forum.
Amazing how the lyrics of that song are exactly the words I’ve been trying to articulate to myself lately! Thank you.
I don’t know why I’m still here. Maybe because of the people that love me, maybe because I’m too much of a coward to do anything, sometimes it’s because I love my life too much, and maybe it’s because I know how devastating it can be to everyone that is nearby. Maybe it’s God. Whatever it is, I’m still here and have no plans to go anywhere else at the moment. For this, I’m grateful.
P.S. I’ve barely ever mentioned to ANYONE that I’ve even had thoughts like this so I’m a little amazed that I’ve posted it here, but knowing your struggle and that you’re willing to talk about it makes it a little easier.
To paraphrase the Chantal Kreviazuk song “Surrounded”, I’m still here because the people in my life are worth sticking it out for, ’cause if they aren’t worth sticking it out for, then it makes them worse off then me. It matters not to me how deep my depression is anymore; I know that making that irrevocable choice will only tell they weren’t worth it to me, and I love them too much — and way more than my depression.
Oh, and I use “Depression Lies” all the time to remind myself, and others, that it’s a giant, black, horrible, sucking, lying fucking bastard and I hate it with all of my being.
For a while, it was because I couldn’t even summon the energy for that.
Then, it was because I knew there was no way my kids would understand that I was doing it to “protect them from me” (depression is a lying motherfucker)- the only way they would know how much I loved them was if I was there to TELL them how much I loved them.
Then, it was pride. I might be hurting, but goddamned if I was going to be the person everyone whispered about, that everyone pitied. Fuck that shit.
Then I was okay for awhile. I was happy. It reminded me that I can be happy.
Now every time I get to that place where all I am is pain and my brain is telling me I’ll never be happy again, I fight like hell to remember that depression is a lying asshole and that I WILL feel better.
Sometimes it’s still really, really hard. It makes it easier when I remember that I’m not alone.
Bruce Cockburn’s song, Strange Waters, although a melancholy song, it helped me let go a little – and let me cry when I was numb beyond crying. Come to find out, it’s better to be sad than numb.
Please accept yourself exactly as you are. Some of those people who get everywhere on time, who read and sign all their kids’ papers, who drive minivans with vacuumed floors and Armor-all coated shiny interiors, who didn’t forget to pay their bills, get the dog to the vet for his yearly shots, and have healthy well-rounded dinners on the table at the same time every day, yeah those people, some of them are content that they have their shit together on the surface. And some of them think they found the formula, go through the motions on autopilot (while defensive-driving just slightly under the speed limit, never below a quarter tank of gas) and You Will Be Fine. But they aren’t feeling their life, one day some of them realize they are not living. They are playing a part. They got so good at cushioning away the things that were sharp and made them hurt that they cushioned away life. Just to make sure, they go home and polish off a bottle of wine while cooking dinner, to keep softening the edges on their cushioned soft life. The ones that look like they have it so much more together than you, they’re just good at looking like it. They fall apart when nobody’s looking.
I was so swamped in depression and something I didn’t even realize was anxiety, especially from about age 10 to 19, and again in my early 30s when my baby was stillborn. I’ve come close to suicide a couple of times. What stopped me? the fear that someone I loved would find me. I didn’t want to die so much as to stop existing, stop taking up space. I think there are different types of depression – some are chemical/ hormonal, some are reactive to an incident that puts us in a tailspin. I’ve experienced both. Now at age 50 I’ve been on a rather small dose of Welbutrin for about 2 years, and about 6 months ago a switch sort of went off in my head. I still have some mood swings, still have moments of pain, sadness, or frustration, but it feels like within the range of manageable and normal. SO many things help – basically it comes down to acting as if I take care of myself, even when I don’t feel motivated to (yes, I’ve been in 12-step for food and alcohol about 25 years, and that was a lifesaver, too). The little things – eating healthy food, going to bed, getting out of bed, taking a shower, brushing teeth, taking a walk, planting a flower or drawing a picture – really help. WRITING really helps. Talking, face-to-face, with someone who’s been there – oh, that helps immensely. We are all, if we choose to be, wounded healers. We all have something to offer others who are suffering. As for music: sometimes I need to hear happy music to cheer me up (Baba O’Reilly by the Who). Sometimes I need to sing angry music to get it out (Down in It by 9″ Nails). Music with a basis in ecstatic love helps a lot; some songs like Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” or “Solsbury Hill”and U2’s “Window in the Sky” . And sometimes it helps to hear something deeply sad, just knowing others feel it and transcend it, singing with them, all these imaginary friends who are singing to their imaginary friends, who are us.
I’m still here because of all my pets, who give me unconditional love. If I were gone, I don’t know what would happen to all of them. They are my family.
Because somehow I always come out on the other side so when I’m at the bottom of the pit, I try to remember that this, too, shall pass. It also helps to have fellow nut jobs that love me and make me laugh.
Beautiful, poignant and very true.
I suffer from about 7 different mental health issues all rolled into one massively backfiring brain.
Most of my adult life I’ve been unmedicated and when I have been medicated it’s been under medicated. Teeter-tottering with suicidal thoughts has become a silent part of my daily routine but like you I have my beautiful children who keep me anchored in my world, no matter how distorted the reality may become sometimes.
Thank you for being so open about your struggles even and especially when it’s most difficult.
You are a powerful inspiration weather you admit or acknowledge. I know you have been to me.
I’m here because my daughter deserves a mom who is doing her damnedest to give her a healthy life. I’m here because I won’t leave her like my mom left me (not through suicide, though that was threatened several times – my mom has BPD and has decided I’m not her daughter anymore. Thus, I haven’t heard from her in years).
I’m here because my husband knows me inside and out – and somehow, loves me anyway.
I’m here because my therapist tells me that I have a lot to offer the world, even on days when I feel like the world would be better off without me. And she sincerely means it.
I tell myself “It’s never too late to become the person you were meant to be.” And I try, really hard, to believe it.
Music touches my soul. One of the songs I love most is “So Unsexy” by Alanis. Here’s a link if you’d like it:
Sorry about the video; apparently there’s not an official one so I tried to find one that the audio quality didn’t totally suck in. 🙂 But if you haven’t heard the song, I highly recommend it. It’s my theme song.
Any of you starting to believe the entire field of psychiatry is crock? I love you. You are not the label/dx they give you. Those labels are the killers. They can kill you. Fuck what ANYone thinks you are: you are perfect as you are. You are doing exactly what you are supposed to be doing right now in life. This IS what you needed. Every single day in the future may be exactly the same, but for you it will be better, because you know this; you know what you’ve been through is what you needed to go through to be who you are now. You are better than what you think. Those labels are like brands to crush your lives, to make others stop taking you seriously, giving them an excuse to dismiss your every problem as something they can’t help you with because it’s being created by your defective brain. That is the lie. Your life situations are as real and harrowing as theirs. The fact they can’t take in, the reason they label you, is that yours is actually more harrowing (and most likely they don’t have the tools to help and would be helpless too…..that is the only part of the field I would participate in anymore–stay away from the chemicals, use good trained listeners if you can). You are stronger than they are. You deal with it every fucking day. You can give up fear. They can’t. They haven’t even faced it yet. I love you. You are love.
I’m still here because despite how bad things can get, I’m not ready to cease existing. I refuse to give up.
I’m still here because I finally gave myself permission to get help.
I deal with my lying depression every single day and I know other people in my family do as well. My one sister has tried twice and every time I think about it I remember how I felt when I found out she had attempted to take her own life and how I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone.
You are amazing. Thank you for shining a light on something no one wants to talk about! It’s so important and depression is a LIAR. You just have to keep going.
I am here because I’ve learned to be very patient with myself during the hard times.
I’m 59 years old and no, this is not how I pictured my life would be. My daughters and my grandchildren get me thru the day. And it is day to day
It may sound silly or strange, but I’ve made it this long because 12 1/2 years ago, I made a promise to a little fur person to take care of him for as long as he lived.
I’m here because I could not do that to my mom or my kids or my husband.
But now I need to MOVE. I can’t leave the house, I joined a gym a month ago, I can’t get myself in the car to go. I won’t go out with my husband because I feel so fat and ugly. I am paralyzing and sabotaging myself everywhere I turn. I don’t know how to make myself get up and MOVE. I have laundry to do, groceries to buy, my son’s birthday is tomorrow, I have done nothing, I need to go do SOMETHING. I can’t move.
As a teenager, I put the gun down because I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt my parents loved me; four years later, I was the pallbearer at a friend’s funeral because he didn’t feel that faith and he pulled the trigger.
I knew I was loved and I lived. He didn’t know he was loved and he died. So tell the people you love you love them, often and well – could make all the difference.
I’ve been there. It was my dog that kept me going (who else would put up with him?). Therapy, medication, support of loved ones, Emotions Anonymous, have helped me find my way out of the deep dark hole. I know I could wind up back there if I don’t stay aware of how I treat myself. One day at a time, life is getting better. I hardly ever think about suicide these days.
Your blog is a bright spot that helps me a lot. Thanks for being you. :o)
You are absolutely right, depression lies. I, just like a lot of us here, know that all too well.
I tried killing myself Monday. My boyfriend found me in the shower with a pair of scissors and a slice on my wrist. What he didn’t know about at the time was the bottles-worth of asprin I had taken too. I’m on day 7 since then. I still want to not be here. I still want to make everything stop. I still want to curl into a ball and shut out the world. But I’m still here. I’m here despite my abusive ex-husband. I’m here despite the words and swings I still hear and see from him. I’m still here despite the depression and the darkness.
I’m still here, depression and all.
No clue why I’m still here. Maybe it’s stubbornness, cowardice, or just knowing that depression does lie, and tomorrow my head will clear long enough to enjoy the small things. All I know is that I am grateful to you Jenny, and to your many readers who comment on how depression has affected them. On more than one occasion, y’all have lifted me out of the darkness. I thank you all.
I am here because goddammit I did the work, the meds, the talking, the therapy, the pulling back from the brink. I stopped cutting and started eating and even learned, after it fed and birthed 2 babies, to like my body a bit.
I might not be here as long as I intended, though. In the ultimately ridiculous stroke of irony that is my life, I know, at 32, have breast cancer. I also have a 5 and 7 year old. Death is no longer and option, as I lay here 5 days after a mastectomy trying to regain some fighting spirit.
Funny how life seems one hell of a lot more worth it when someone or something else takes the wheel.
I’m here because I know how scared I was when I found my mom threatening suicide and I never want my nephew and niece to feel that fear. I’m here because Modest Mouse’s “Float On” and Ingrid Michaelson’s “Be Okay” give me hope and make it feel less lonely. I’m here because I have a couple of friends I can talk to about it and a couple of others that have no clue about it and because they have no clue, they don’t treat me like I’m broken. I’m here because I’ve made big plans that I’m praying will finally make me happy – the kind of happy I know I deserve – and even though I’m basically counting on a miracle, I don’t believe there’s any other option. The miracle has to come.
I’m here because of my husband, who makes life worth living every day. Even the absolutely horrible days like today. And YES, DEPRESSION LIES.
Thank you. x
People who need a lot of love today are the service men and women in the U.S. military. Too many of them are choosing this way out. It’s unfair to them, their families, and their colleagues, that this issue goes on with so little attention.
I had severe agoraphobia while in the Peace Corps. Together with nurses and in country staff, I chose to leave. I got on a plane and went home to my parents, where I was taken care of and healed. Our service men and women do not have that luxury. It pains me personally to think of them so far away and feeling so alone.
I’m still here because my two cats depend on me; if I die before they do they’d end up in a shelter and at their age not be adopted and then they’d be killed and I won’t sentence them to death. I made a promise to care for them and that’s the one thing I can actually do in life. Once they’re gone, maybe I will put an end to this, but not now.
Depression may lie, but it’s an incredibly convincing lie. And when you live with a lie long enough, it becomes truth.
I’m here because my love for my son is greater than the darkness.
When I was 13 years old, my dad committed suicide. Growing up– and watching my two little brothers grow up– without a dad is something that will affect me every day for the rest of my life. It’s been 18 years since I lost my dad, and I still cry because I miss him. But one thing I can say is that my father saved me by his tragedy– and saved my kids. I have suffered some devastating and seemingly insurmountable sadnesses since that time, and many times I have felt so incredibly desperate to make the pain stop that I wanted nothing more than for my heart to just stop beating. But I lived through those moments for the simple reason that I could not put my children through the same struggle I lived through in losing a parent. My love for them is stronger than the pain, and because I know what my kids would endure if I gave in to the darkness, I will continue to fight. Sometimes it’s a strong fight with my fists raised and a smile on my face. Sometimes it’s a moment-by-moment fight, just struggling to take another breath– but still fighting. Ironically, I have now been through the very same circumstance that caused my father to give up on life. He survived 14 months after his blow was dealt. I am at 18 months.
I, too, have a quote: “Out of suffering emerge the strongest souls. The most massive characters are seared with scars.” -Khalil Ghibran
The movie Garden State. It has inspired me to make the changes I need to make instead of just sitting there, wallowing in unhappiness, because it’s easier to do nothing. It reminded me that things don’t have to be the way they are; I can do something about it. Even if it’s hard.
“That’s life. If nothing else, its life. It’s real, and sometimes it fuckin’ hurts, but it’s sort of all we have.”
Jenny, you are an inspiration.
I’m still here because my friends give me hope, because the support from my friends online has been second to none, because I live with the man I love in a beautiful apartment, because I have a chinchilla who likes to sit on my head (I kid you not!) and because I have a piece of work being published.
And a huge thank you Jenny. I re-read your book in the past couple of weeks when I’ve been at my lowest and it made me laugh harder than I thought was possible. Thank you for your posts that have been so uplifting – pictures of Tardis blue kitty claws for instances – and thank you for how honest and open you have been through your own difficult times.
I read the sentence, “I’m here because my daughter saves me every day,” and about lost it sitting here at my desk at work.
I am fortunate enough to not have to deal with depression often. Recently, with financial woes, a nasty divorce, and a broken heart, I had the worst bout of it I’ve had since my teens, and my daughter is the one that got me through. If it weren’t for her, my medicine cabinet’s call would have been so much harder to ignore, and the desire to not wake up in the morning stronger than I might have been able to handle.
Depression lies all right. Life goes on, and it gets better. Even if I exclude my daughter’s beautiful life stretching before me with infinite possibilities I want to bear witness to, I shudder to think the beauty I would be missing right now.
I read once that you should contract with yourself to hang in here as long as you have living parents or children. I have my Dad, who is 87, and two grown daughters. That idea of a contract has kept me going sometimes when not much did.
My incredible family and in particular my two wonderful nephews remind me that life is amazing and that I am a role model even when I think no one is looking. I am blessed that I was given a second chance at life and I will fight each and every blue day for these amazing people.
Depression Lies….and I don’t really want to hear its lame excuses any more!
Tara
I am still here because of my daughter.
I discovered some wonderful people on the internet that have helped me so much over the years. I kinda don’t want to let them down. That keeps me going quite often.
I am here because of my daughter and husband. They give me a new reason to realize that life IS worth living, every single day.
I am Also here because of doctor who. Man I love me some Doctor Who.
Jenny, will you promise me and everyone else who cares about you that you will not harm yourself? Please promise.
(Promise. ~ Jenny)
I’m here because of my mother and my fiance who intervene when it is necessary. Even if I don’t want the help.
The words that help me make it through are that “I deserve to feel safe in my own skin,” that “it will get better,” and that “anxiety is a lying bastard” (luckily, it works for anxiety too, which is my most prevalent issue)
And one of the many songs that has helped to save me is Pink’s ‘fuckin perfect’
(and to the commenter above, Tom, thank you for sharing. I know admitting out loud that you are struggling can be tough. But it helps to share it and to share it with a community of people who understand. Stay strong.)
What if things on the other side are worse? We don’t really know now do we? So we have to make the best of what we have here and now because that green grass you see on the other side of the fence may just be spray painted!
i have been struggling a lot lately with the wave of darkness threatening to spill over. my husband does an amazing job of allowing me to hide out and encouraging me to keep moving. i may not be pleasant to be around, but getting up does help, even if just a little bit. i have a soundtrack to my life, and the song that keeps me going changes. for the past 2 years it has been “Be Calm” by fun. “i know you feel like you are breaking down. i know it gets so hard sometimes. but be calm. take it from me i’ve been there a thousand times. you hate your pulse because it thinks you still alive. it gets so hard sometimes, be calm.” it is an amazing song.
I have the same trigger and it is stupid, but I remind myself I have to leave a better legacy to my children. I’ve read that children who have a parent who commit suicide are more likely to do the same and I cannot do that to them. I may not be the best mom, but they love me regardless and I will not betray that love.
Thank you, Jenny, for what you do. If anyone here is looking for some inspiring words or a place to connect, do stop by Melanie Crutchfield’s Hope Blog Relay list (http://melaniecrutchfield.com/2012/08/13/hope-2012-closing-ceremonies/) and Wanderlust (http://www.wanderlustlust.com/p/healing-through-storytelling-blog.html) for a blog directory of people going through all kinds of hardships…you may find something that speaks to you. I admire these women for organizing words and resources for strength the same way I admire Jenny for all she does to inspire us to push through our messes to reach the other side.
I hope you won’t mind that I posted this info to other sites, Jenny. It takes a village not only to raise a kid, I hear, but to beat down the bitch that is depression.
I promised a friend that I wouldn’t kill myself. Somedays that is all that keeps me alive. But it also helps me realize the impact I have on others. And then I think of a heart-sick message that a sobbing friend left on my answering machine. And I don’t want to hear her crying again, even if it is only one friend.
I just wanted to let you all know, each and every single one of you, you are loved, you are needed and the world would be a much poorer place if you weren’t in it. Depression lies and that’s the biggest lie of them all. The world would be diminished without your presence.
Thank you, Thank you so much for today’s post about suicide. My adopted son died by suicide almost 8 years ago at the age of 16 – so I do all I can on a very small level to talk about it, the stigma associated with it and mental illness. Yes, yes, you are helping the cause. Keep on keeping on!
I can’t tell you how many times I remind myself, depression lies. There was a time (i found out it was hormonal) that I was so far gone, if it weren’t for my daughter and the fact that I knew she needed me so much that I probably would have done it. It was all in my head and I am glad I know that now.
I’m still here because I love my friends and family, and even though i didn’t want to be in pain anymore, I couldn’t stand the thought of putting them through that.
Now I’m still here because I wont let some stupid demon pull me down and make me do horrible things to myself! #SuckItShirley
My family saves me. Things that help: the poetry of Rilke, and the movie Babette’s Feast.
Thank you for this post.
The phrase that’s got me through some rough times is; This too shall pass.
I’m a quaker, and there’s a couple of passages of Faith and Practice (the Britain yearly meeting version) that remind me of what’s important and got me through my mother’s illness and death and some bouts of depression. (It’s more a book of … other people’s thoughts than a do and don’t book). One in particular;
F&P 21.67
Release
I was terrified I’d break down.
I did.
It didn’t matter.
Rosalind M Baker, 1986
—
The song I listened to most when I was angry with God, the world and everything was Chop Suey, by system of a down. Very angry and angsty but singing that at the top of my lungs helped me scream out all my rage and pain and fear and left me drained but … better.
BTW if you feel up to adding it to your post – and maybe other people have suggestions for other countries? – if people in the UK need someone to talk to, right now, with no judgement or pushiness then there’s the Samaritans. http://www.samaritans.org/ you can email them (good if you don’t feel up to talking) jo@samaritans.org, phone them UK: 08457 90 90 90 ROI: 1850 60 90 90 or find a local branch.
I love music, movies, and helping people.
Things I like:
Movies:
Donnie Darko
Garden State
Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
Music:
The First Day of My Life by Bright Eyes
At The Bottom of Everything by Bright Eyes
Into The Ocean by Blue October
A place I feel I can get and give help:
Nerdfigheria – vlogbrothers
http://chat.dftba.net/ – for talking to people like myself
I like a lot of sad movies and sad music, because I find it healthy to feel sad and to cry (without excess). Letting myself feel helps me stay away from depression. Sometimes it’s just hard to know how much is too much.
living with bipolar,
Timothy A. Zorn
P.S.: DFTBA (Don’t Forget To Be Awesome)
I’m still here because no one will love my evil geriatric cats as much as I do. And I finally learned the truth of a saying I used to hate.
Nowhere is it written “and then it came to stay”. It’s always “And then it came to pass.” And this will, too.
Why am I still here??? Ummm because SOMETIMES my repetitive thoughts are FUN and I wonder how my story will actually end. On a GOOD DAY I might hear (in my 24/7 brain player) a fun song like “All Together Now” http://youtu.be/xoWzElnXiVw On a BAD DAY when I am feeling bad that I am feeling bad there is No Song. Nothing. It is a dark hole of emptiness that only “mistakes” like to hang out in. When I reflect upon that space and I start to make my way out of it I refer to it as “feeling lower than a snakes belly in a wagon wheel rut.” (it’s an easy visualization for me)
Today I raise a toast of “well done” to all who have a gremlin (or two) who like to ride piggy back with them and REFUSE to yield to the inner lying horrible not very nice at all whisperings of that demon!
Than you Jenny for being an awesome HUMAN BEAN! Zooming much love at ya.
Elton John’s Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me is my song to hear when I am in a bad place.
I’ve seen the after-effects of suicide and they’re devastating. While I’ve always felt tremendous sorrow for the individual – the pain that takes them to that place – it’s the thought of those after-effects on the ones left behind that make me certain that it’s not an answer or an option.
We struggle on.
My dogs, and drugs, help me to get up every day! Once I’m out of bed, I can take one step at a time! I also don’t make long term plans bc it’s stressful!
Five years ago, I died while undergoing a pretty simple procedure. Thanks to my quick-thinking surgeon and his staff, I made it back to annoy the crap out of my loved ones for a little while longer. Despite an on again/off again battle with depression, I don’t know that it’ll ever seem that bad again. It’s a nice place to visit, but I don’t’ want to move there yet, y’know?
I believe what helps me the most is when someone truely believes, and reminds me that THERE IS HOPE! Hopelessness is my worst enemy. If I can be reminded that hope does exist, I can begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel again. It reminds me that I am worthy. The link “There is help” on this blog helped me find that hope this time.
I am here because of my 3 little girls <3
Some of the words that get me through are “I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind. Some come from ahead and some come from behind. But I've bought a big bat. I'm all ready you see. Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!” ? Dr. Seuss
The songs that help me through are pretty much anything by 10 Years. I just put my iPod on and shut out the world for a little awhile.
I am lucky enough that my husband can tell when I am about to go spiraling down and he lets me do what needs to be done so that I can be a better mom and wife once I am out of it. Thank you for giving me something to read and hold onto to. I found you when I was googling suicide and you helped save my life.
I’m here because of me. No one else really made the choice for me one way or the other. We all create our own reasons to stay or to go. I think once you decide to go, no one can really stop you. Understanding and acceptance is the only thing that actually rings true to a depressed person. Anything else is quickly seen as what it is: surface concern, false sentiment, etc. Thanks for being one of the ones who understands, Jenny.
I’m glad you’re still here.
I’m still here because I am curious. To the point of masochism, probably.
When things were the absolute worst, I always wondered what the next day would bring. I’d made it this far, through some seriously shitty things. I figured I could go another day, and who knows, maybe something different/interesting/downright freaking awesome would happen. And even if not, and it’s more of the same, I’d made it through before, I could do it again.
And you know what? It paid off. I’m the proud mother of three amazing, beautiful, downright freaking awesome kids. I have a good life, and I think I’m a pretty good person. I’m glad I’m still here, too. 🙂
My mother is still here because my dad was able to save her in time. She says she is still here now because she wants to be and works every day to battle back her demons. I am still here to save my kids from my in-laws.
Hi Jenny. I have been suffering from severe depression my entire life, even as a child, but I did my best to hide it, I was ashamed of it and felt like I was too smart to feel so out of control with these awful thoughts. When I was little, I heard many times from my parents, who didn’t know what was going on inside of me, to stop being so sensitive. That made me just stuff it inside. The one and only time I almost killed myself was when I was 26 and my kids were 1 and 4. I felt like a total loser, I had a wonderful husband, incredible children, why was I so damn sad and deep in the abyss in pain, the black cloud over me all enompassing. I was planning how I was going to do it, but I didn’t want to leave my kids and have them face the nightmare of living with the after-affects, so I called out to God, “HELP ME!” Then I blacked out (I was in the car by myself, planning to drive off a cliff.) When I came to, no more feelings of killing myself. I am on disability for depression now, 25 years later, taking the right medications, getting help, have support of some good friends, family knows about it now. Keeping it a secret is devestating. I have 2 little grandsons now, who I love so much and I want to see them grow and thrive and know their grandmother’s love. My children are 28 and 31 and they want me in their lives. I don’t ever want to give up 10 minutes before the miracle happens. A fave song that has helped me is . A song that helps is, “I’m Yours,” by Jason Mraz.
Mary Chapin Carpenter- Almost Home.
“There’s no such thing as no regrets, but baby it’s alright”
The whole song, I listen to it far too often. It helps me feel peaceful. It reminds me that no matter how bad it is, I’m on the road. I’m healthier than I was. My son is older, sleeping more. I’m getting the rest that helps my mind untie itself. I have friends who care, and notice when I’m too quiet. I’m not in pain. I need to let go of all the little things that give me anxiety.
Almost home. I’ll find that peace, one day. In my soul, and when I do, I’ll be home and I won’t need this song any more.
There was a poem I was given when I was hospitalized for bulimia and substance abuse. To this day it gets me through the darkest times.
i can’t go on
i mean
i can’t go on
i really
can’t go on
i swear
i can’t go on
so
i guess
i’ll get up
and go on.
–Dory Previn
I’m glad I did go on, and that I make the conscious decision to do so each and every day. Although there were times it felt the world was ending, something beautiful was always waiting just beyond the horizon.
I am here because my siblings believed in me. My brother and my sister are both dead from a genetic disease; each would have done anything to live longer and more. They loved me and I love them still. I live knowing that I do so for all of us. No matter that my sister is dead over 20 years and my brother almost 10, we will be a pack of three always. I cannot end my own life knowing that Craig and Laura were desperate to extend theirs. It would be so unfair.
I wrote about this too. I’m here because I have chosen to be. You have helped me along the steep road out of the abyss and I am forever thankful Jenny.
The first thing that came to mind was my therapist. She has definitely saved my life. Just to know she is with me, she believes in me, she doesn’t leave, she standing strong beside me when the World collapse around me, is enough to keep me somewhat sane. I’m getting better step by step and there are numerous things that have helped me through, but she was the first I thought about.
That says a lot about how important a really good therapist is. People like her saves others.
I’m still here because I knew my family would be devastated to lose me– why do one more crappy thing?
I realized recently that in my darkest times, what I really want isn’t to die– I want to live. I haven’t been living, I’ve been muddling through. So dying won’t give me what I want. I want to really, truly LIVE instead.
I’m here because I learned to take those thoughts and put them in a box for later in the day. Then sit down, work through them and move on. I find there is “as needed” help on the internet –
I’m also here because I know I”m not alone in this process – and hearing others struggles and solutions – and successes, helps me through.
My dog saves me by needing me.
The words that help me are “hey, you’re okay. You’ll be fine. Just breathe.” From this song: http://www.zefrank.com/chillout/.
You’ve helped me so much by teaching me that depression lies. That the negative thoughts I have about myself are malfunctioning neurons, not rational syllogisms. The other thing that helps is Stephen Fry’s open letter on depression: “it’s raining inside right now. You can’t stop the rain, but the sun will come out again.” And my daughter and son save me in my darkest moments, because I know that no matter how horrible I think I am, their lives would be infinitely worse if they had to live with the knowledge that their mommy killed herself. It’s not a positive thought, but it’s sometimes the push I need to stay alive.
My spouse died without warning in late January. Tomorrow, we would have been together for 14 years. I’m in a legal fight for what’s mine and I miss him with every breath I take, but I will not succumb to despair, if only for those who love me. They say it will get better, so I hold on to that.
“The Firebird Suite” by Igor Stravinsky
I imagine the story of a pheonix. They are beautiful and radiant, but they must always die and be reborn. They are a never ending cycle, as am I. I always listen to that song and remind myself that I am also a pheonix, and I WILL rise from the ashes of depression. I remind myself that there is an end to the pain, because I will always be reborn and happy again.
I also remember this blog and Jenny’s book. I tell myself, “If she can do it, so can I.”
I am here because I am the only person my tabby truly trusts, and I can’t abandon him.
I am here because someone loved me enough to have the sense to ignore me when I tried to push him away.
I am here because a complete stranger on the internet posted a poem that made sense, and became a friend because I emailed him to say thank you.
I am here because I have art to make, stories to read, people to meet, and I haven’t drank rum in the Caribbean yet.
I am here because 9 suicide attempts failed before I decided that I’m not done yet, and dammit depression’s a lying bitch, and I refuse to let it win.
I may also get “I still have a tattoo to get…” tattoed, as a reminder.
Thank you!
One of my favorite songs – it helps me too!
I have many friends who feel depressions claws ripping at their skin. When it hurts them, it hurts me too. When I found out I had cancer, I thought about how maybe this was how suicide and depression victims felt. How it looked as though any path you took was going to end.
But then I went off the path.
You have to try to see every option that you have. You have to look at the world for all the good things in it, as well as the bad. A lot of times, the bad things make the good ones stand out even more. Life will throw some ape-crazy shit at you, but if you come out like a ultra bad-ass ninja chick swinging your plasma sword while unicorns dressed up like John Stamos throw exploding confetti-bombs into the air while bacon rains from the sky, you’re the shit.
And no one can take that away from you.
You’ve just got to keep chugging.
Because life is a highway.
And we’re gonna ride it.
All night long.
How To Be Alone by Tanya Davis
I couldn’t get out of bed without listening to this for most of a year.
My family, boyfriend, friends, all of you and my cats save me. I have been in dark times and have come close a few times to just giving in, but there has always been somebody to grab me back. One of my friends gave me this saying because it made me laugh and because she knows how much I love cats. “depression lies but cat purrs dont.” silly but effective. Sometimes I have totake it day by day, but I’ve learned that I may be stronger than I think I am.
I love all of you wonderful people. Hugs and cyber desserts all around.
Blurtitout.org has a free mentoring program, if anybody out there doesn’t already know about it. All their mentors have had depression themselves, so they understand where you are coming from and will never tell you to snap out of it.
I’m here because I haven’t accomplished what I need to. It’s my depression that holds me back and wraps fear around me until I’m frozen, preventing me from moving forward and accomplishing too much too fast. It would be nice though if it gave me a little breathing room 😉
Lyrics say it all. Enjoy and live.
When I was 15 years old a relative committed suicide.
I think in the 1970’s there weren’t as many resources available.
I still miss her.
Read this over the weekend: http://www.denverpost.com/news/ci_21500111/survivors-heart-tammy-noel-cunningham-life
Listen to Sweet Old World, written by Lucinda Williams, Sung by Emmy Lou Harris.
Can only imagine the pain…
I’ve been dealing with depression and S.I. since forever. i started hurting myself in second grade. I’ve never been suicidal, I don’t know why. So maybe I’m not the best to make an “I’m still here because” post. But here goes.
I’m still here because the world is a wondrous place and I don’t want to miss anything. I’m still here because I have hope for tomorrow. I’m still here because I want all the naysayers to eat their fucking words. I’m still here because I want to see what my fellow Lawsbians do next ;). I’m still here because Auntie Mame said Life is a banquet and I don’t want to starve. I’m still here because there is so much to love in the world. I’m still here.
This song got me through a lot of rough patches. Big hugs. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U8gR_XjBoq0
I’m here mainly because of my kids and family. I’m not suicidal now but about nine years ago I was, and I absolutely would not have gotten through it without them.
Words that helped: Psalm 62 (God is our refuge). Also, a friend suggested a make a book of things that made me happy to carry around with me, so I got a small notebook and taped photos in, and wrote quotes and song lyrics and anything that made me feel better, and it really did help a lot. Writing and talking also helped immensely – just to get all that misery OUT. I have a saint of a sister who let me stay with her and listened to me spew nothing but misery for five months while I tried to put my life back together.
One of the many songs I listened to over and over that helped was “Joining You” by Alanis Morissette.
I still deal with depression and anxiety quite a bit, but now I’m married to someone who is very patient and understanding and has also taught me some ways to deal with it better. He was also suicidal years ago, and is still here mainly because he didn’t want to leave his cat with no one to take care of her.
I used to live for my dog. I lived because se needed me to take care of her. Se was a rescue dog from the SPCA. Then I had a daughter, and living was even more imperative in that I took far fewer risks in my life. When I had my son, out of wedlock, I stopped speaking with and more importantly listening to my mother. It was only then I was able to get her negativity out of my head. I was never good enough. I was never successful. I was never someone to be proud of until I got her and her judgements and doubt out of my head. I was programmed since birth to be depressed. Let’s not do that to our future daughters and granddaughters? Let’s teach them to see and poor out and comment on all that is wonderful, beautiful and light in this world. Let’s teach them giving someone a compliment is far more satisfying than talking trash about people when you think they aren’t listening. Let’s teach them to be the light in the world.
I’m still here because of my little family. My son and my husband. <3
I too, am still here because of my sons. But it doesn’t stop me going to bed every night not caring if I wake up in the morning.
I have had several bouts of depression throughout my life and have often thought of suicide as an option. Today, when I look at my two beautiful daughters, I can say that I’m glad that I didn’t do it. I have a husband who suffers from depression and has had suicidal thoughts to the point that we had to sell the guns in our house. Each day we try to remind each other of the good in our lives and why we keep going even when it looks bleak. I also have had those in my life who have lost a parent or other loved one to suicide and I remember how they look and feel when they talk about it. I don’t want to leave anyone I love with that look.
That’s what keeps me going. 🙂
i’m going to bet everything i own that this video and song might mean something to you. i loved the amanda palmer video and i thank you for that.
http://youtu.be/By1EbHetjAs
I’m still here because my offspring and hubby give me a reason to fight EVERY FRIGGIN’ DAY!
The words that give me strength are, “Live well, Love much, Laugh often.” They’re my mantra and remind me what I’m supposedd to be doing.
The song that I turn to is “Sweet Spot” by Antje Duvekot. AWESOME song!
Thank you for your amazing bravery, every day!
You rock, Jenny.
What gets me through is knowing that I don’t want to die. I just want the problems to end and sometimes dying seems like the only way to do that. I’m here because of my husband, and my dogs.
I’m here because if I wasn’t, my mother would be calling my husband 8 times a day instead of me, and I wouldn’t push that off on anyone.
Listen, I rarely comment on blogs. But you are amazing. You really are. I know that must be hard to believe sometimes and mind you, I am no cheerleader lets-all-hug-and-kumbaya-bs person. I’ve dealt with depression and my teen has too. I’ve never been suicidal but I’ve wasted years unable to light a fire under my butt, kwim? It overtakes your life. So in any case, I wanted to thank you for speaking up, for opening up your life to others, and for putting it out there with a face on it. You fucking rock. PS I’m a new fan, I picked up your book (saw the interview with Jen Lancaster, whom I worship). Just read it this weekend and stumbled on the blog. Here’s some food for thought — everyone tells me I am really really funny. Like, I’ve had to call 911 cause I made people choke — more than once. (Note: do not be so witty when people are eating.) And I’ve often thought that the depression has something to do with it. It sharpens your wit and it becomes a way to cope. Life is strange and demented, isn’t it?
The weather is beautiful where I live today. I’ve been in a good mood all day, for no apparent reason.
I am going to think of the weather as the universe reminding people of how beautiful it is to be alive.
I never intended to live this long. I have been depressed for as long as I can remember. I have memories as far back as four years old. That’s a long time to be depressed. I only recognized it as a teenager. But looking back, what I was feeling as a child was also depression. As a young teen I never intended to let myself get past 25. I figured I’d give myself that long to see if things ever get better. But I had my son when I was 19. I was post-partum on top of the regular daily depression. I was treated for post partum but have never addressed the daily depression with a doctor. I don’t medicate, unless you count chocolate.
I have had a new plan since my son was born. He is 13. The plan states: I have to wait until he is grown at which time we will revisit the issue and possibly modify or nullify the plan.
But I already know that as long as my son is in the world I can’t leave him. Even when I think about how he will grow up and move away, I always want him to have a place to come home to and he wouldn’t have that if I wasn’t here to provide it. And I want to see my grandbabies.
I think that as much as I want to stop “fighting the good fight”, I found my reason to keep trudging along. “You know, Trudging. To trudge. To Trudge: the slow weary depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in his life except the impulse to simply soldier on.”
It is a heavy burden to carry daily. Most days I feel like Sisiphus. (NOT syphilis — two completely different things!) I find that laughing at inappropriate times/things helps lighten the load. And this website certainly provides that most days. Also, chocolate.
Thank you, Jenny. And to all who post here.
I had a moment Saturday while visiting an old ruined castle. Was having a rough patch with my husband and I was looking out over a crumbled wall overhanging a river, one that was a looooong way down and I thought a brief passing thought of, “what if I just climbed over this and jumped?” It’s hard feeling like you are completely useless and have no value in anyone’s life.
Thanks for sharing Jenny.
Thank you Jenny! The Depression Lies bracelet helped me get through my last bout of depression much more quickly than usual. I made a new every time I was feeling bad and wore it to remind myself that everyone doesn’t hate me. It really helped me, and I thank you for everything you’ve done, for me and for your other readers.
weird that I woke up this morning automatically feeling waaayy down and hopeless. What strange timing.
I’m so thankful that you are willing to talk about these things. I’ve been suffering a bit more than usual these last few months. I even wrote my first blog about it because you’ve written about it and seemed to get such a good response, instead of the awful one I was expecting. So thank you for having the courage to speak up when most of us don’t.
My husband suffers from chronic migraines. The slightest change in weather or pollen can set off a headache. He also suffers from depression, and there are days when he is so tired of hurting, of living that it breaks my heart. I always hold him and cry, and repeat to him the words that keep us fighting through the pain and sadness: “Life might be easier without you, but it wouldnt be better.” – Victor.
Give him a kiss for me.
Jessie Olsen
My sister committed suicide. Knowing how painful that was, I will never do that to anyone else. There’s help, if you can find the strength to ask.
Thanks for being an inspiration to so many who need it each day.
My daughter recently had to go through a heart surgery. On a wall in the hospital was this sentence written:
Your best memories still lie in your future.
Collecting memories is what keeps me going through every day at the moment. Save the picture of my laughing daughter in my mind so it can take the place of one of my dark thoughts.
I’m still here because of my uni personal tutor….he doesn’t know that he saved my life, but everytime I see a biker or see a Frys Peppermint Cream bar I think of him and smile. Sometimes I wonder whether I should tell him…then I change my mind…perhaps one day.
I am here because of my kids – even having to do the mundane things for them like laundry and making a sandwich helps me get through.
Your quote has helped me immeasurably – depression lies. I say it to myself often.
Looking at pretty home design magazines helps me through. I lose myself in the pretty pages and it lifts me up. Also, watching this lego animation of Eddie Izzard’s Death Star Canteen comedy makes me laugh even when I don’t want to. http://youtu.be/Sv5iEK-IEzw
I’m here because of my friends’ dad. He killed himself last summer, and this next bit sounds silly but I’d never realised how *permenant* it was and just how much you give up. He missed seeing his children get outstanding A Levels and go to university. He will never be able to congratulate them on exam results or celebrate birthdays or Christmas or even just walk the dog with them. He left a gaping hole in their family and impacted hugely on everyone them. I went to his funeral, and remember looking at all the people crying and wishing, and thinking that if he’d known how many people cared maybe he wouldn’t have done it. His eldest son helped carry the coffin, and in that moment I knew that however low I get and however much I want to crawl into the hole and make it go away, I could never do that to the people I love.
So, I think that’s a long-winded way of saying I’m here because of the people I love. I want to get married and have children. I want to be a writer, to cook and have pets and go for walks with my family through parks full of Autumn leaves. I will make this happen, and I can’t do that if I’m not here.
Don’t let go. When I need to focus I read this blog or write my own, watch Disney films from my childhood and have baths with books and facemasks. Depression lies, and you can beat it too.
This is timely because 3 years ago on the 9th my cousin killed himself. A year later I was in the hospital myself for an attempt. I am here because of my supportive and loving family.
I wrote on suicide and my own depression here: http://lizzerss.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/on-suicide-and-depression-or-why-positive-thinking-is-a-load-of-fuckery/ — what helped me get through, etc. <3 to you all that have gone through, or are going through.
I’m here because I want my sister’s kids to remember they’re only aunt- and they are too young right now to do that. (When they get old enough to, I’ll find another reason.)
The words that help me get through it are “one more day” and i say it every day.
There’s no song that helps (because I’m deaf) but unexpected hugs from my sons, niece and nephew are the light that leads me through the dark.
At some point everyday grief and depression wash over me and I think of about a billion ways to leave this earth. But for the love of my family and knowing what it would do to them, I remain here.
I have been depressed for years. I shut myself away from the world to the point that I no longer have any friends. I have been close to suicide but I’m not anymore. Someone once told me that suicide is still going to be an option tomorrow but only as long as I live through today. I know that sounds crazy but it helps me. I can make it through anything because at the end of the day I know I’m not stuck, I have options. I did therapy and meds but I can’t afford that stuff anymore. I can’t say how important that is for people. So go get help if you need it, but if you’re like me you have to find another way. I started working out. Even just going for a walk will help. Activity makes you happy. And the best way I found to feel better is to help someone else. So many people wrote that they are here because of a child or a pet. Consider that having someone depend on you is a reason to live. Volunteer, get a rescue animal, or anything that helps someone else and you may find that you have a reason to be alive. And if you are teetering on the edge all you have to do is reach out to anyone here and someone will pull you back. Someone like me.
im here because i found a medication that works for me. this has been ongoing for the past 20+ years, with a couple good years here and there, so im crossing my fingers it keeps working this time, as a few times in the past others have stopped. when im down in it, theres nothing that can give me hope. i hang on for dear life, and know that it will pass. when im up above it, i enjoy it for all its worth, because nothing in life is permanant, except death. also, being an alcoholic, learning about that, staying sober, and going to lots of meetings, helps me to keep my mind where i can see it, helps me to stay positive, work through problems, and focus on what is really important.
oh oops I didn’t add my reason.
Honestly the reason I never attempted suicide is just fear. I’m terrified of pain and after some research discovered that suicide is harder to pull off than movies make it seem. Unfortunately I don’t have any warm and fuzzy stories to share.
Another reason is simply curiosity. I always wonder wonder wonder if something cool will happen that will change everything or at least make it easier to get up in the morning. I seem to be accomplishing all of those small modest goals I come up with, so who knows, right? Never know if I don’t try.
I’m still here because even though I’ve always had underlying issues with staying alive (ever since I was little), I’ve also been given the gift of being afraid of everything that might potentially kill me. And every time my fear wins, life gets better after that.
Also, the kindness of strangers. One night, in the middle of the night, after bad night in an abusive relationship, a stranger came out of nowhere to help me scrape the ice off my car when I was in the mood to do horrible things with it and I wondered what he’d think if he knew he was helping me die faster. Before he left me, he said, “Promise me you’ll be ok. Promise,” and he waited for me to promise. And I keep my promises, so… He just came out of nowhere and I never saw him again.
I’ve had depression since I was around 13 years old. I’ve had to deal with it myself on and off since then since my parents didn’t believe me, they thought it was a “phase” or “hormones” because of my age. When I got my own job I was able to get help, but it’s still been on and off.
A few weeks ago I had a very bad time with my depression. I wanted to cut. I wanted to die. Instead of reaching for a knife, I reached for your book. I read it. I connected with you. The urge to cut and to kill myself slowly faded and I finished your book within a few days, reading between sleeping.
The first days for me are always the most brutal, with the most suicidal thoughts. You helped me through it with your book. Thank you so much for understanding, for writing, for sharing, for being honest with us. If it weren’t for you I’m not sure I would even be sitting here right now.
My sons keep me from the abyss, and shoes and chardonnay and books and Bach, Sigur Ros, and sites like yours!
new tart macs
my hubby
YOU
I stood at the precipice and chose to come back I live because husband saved my life, and I wouldn’t want to disrespect all that he’s done for me. I live because choosing not to would be a terrible thing to do to my family.
I know I can’t always do it by myself. When it gets dark, I’ve learned to reach out and get whatever it takes to turn the lights back on. Every day is a gift. I live because life really is worth it. No matter how dark it gets, it will always get bright again.
On February 26th of this year, I attempted suicide. What saved my life? My future flashing before my eyes. I saw everything I’ve ever wanted coming true, so I had my boyfriend rush me to the hospital, and the rest is history. Suicide is a taboo topic, but it’s one that needs to be discussed. Show support for World Suicide Prevention Day, wear yellow and/or write “love” on your arms. Remember: Depression is a lying bitch! Things will get better, it’s not always going to be this rough.
I’m looking forward to seeing you on Katie Couric. I’m glad you have come out of your depression. I have a blog about my dysfunctional family called (appropriately enough “Far from Normal). You can find us at http://www.farfromnormal.net
I don’t know why I’m still here. My son is a factor, fo sho. But the kid’s only been around for three years. Guess I got lucky before him.
I do know why it’s easier to be here. And that’s because of this wildly and wondrously unhinged community of outcasts and weirdos that you’ve brought together. Knowing there are so many others out there feeling the same way makes it all more palatable.
Thanks for being the Ringmaster at the best big top the internet has to offer.
xoxo
Thank you. This is a wonderful post. <3
Okay, so I’ve been reading this for a while now, but I’ve never commented before. I just wanted to say that I’ve been struggling, mostly silently, with depression my whole life, and your reminder that “depression lies” has inspired me to get into therapy and get myself some help. So thank you, so much, for talking so publicly about an illness that affects so many, but makes so many of us (or at least makes me) feel alone.
Thank you.
I didn’t realize today was World Suicide Prevention Day. This morning I just confessed to my boyfriend (the first person I’ve told this too) that I’ve been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’d been afraid to tell him before because I felt like I’d be burdening him with a situation I should be able to handle on my own. He is one of the reasons I tell myself to keep going, though (who would pick up the dirty socks if I wasn’t around???), and just knowing I have an ally makes all the difference.
having lost friends to suicide i deeply appreciate your post; if you feel nobody cares call, people care; if you feel something is off with a friend call, you may be saving a life.
Thank you. Because of you “Depression Lies” is one of my survival phrases.
“Life isn’t about surviving the storm, it’s learning to dance in the rain.” is my constant reminder. I’ve struggled with low-grade depression since at least high school, which means for me it always feels like it’s raining. I can’t just try to weather the storm, because the storm never seems to go away. At least this way, every now and then, I try to dance my way through.
The image of the phoenix is another reminder for me. Some people connect with the phoenix after a bad relationship, divorce or other major life loss. But the phoenix is a creature that continuously burns to ash and is born again from it’s own ashes. If that isn’t a metaphor for living with depression, I don’t know what is.
You need this, just as much as I have. As I am the one she is talking about…
Sometimes I have to remind myself that if I were to actually do it, then the husband I’d left behind would think me selfish. He’d never understand the terrible weight and illness that convinced me that it was actually the best option, that he’d be better off without me. Knowing that he would be angry with me reminds me that there’s someone who cares enough to get angry, who loves me enough to miss me, and that helps.
I will stay in the world just a little longer if Amanda keeps wearing those outfits.
Lately I feel like everything I do has a plan b. Plan b is always the same. It involves a length of rope, a chair, and a big tree in the backyard. I’m still here though. I think partially it’s because I’m a big coward, but partially it’s because I don’t want to put my parents and sister through the kind of anguish that I’d leave for them if I took plan b.
I just wish there was a way to make the doom and the darkness go away. If someone could put optomism and happiness in a pill they’d get rich.
I have to be here for my Mom; she’s 80 years old and has been fighting depression since she was in her thirties and I was a small child. Once my Dad passed away I knew that If I weren’t here to talk her down from suicide, I’m not sure who would. Not only does depression lie, it gets handed down from mother to daughter and from mother to son. Thankfully, we all have our meds to keep us sane, but I still worry about my Mom. She becomes forgetful and doesn’t take her meds.
Thanks for giving me a place to share this.
I’ve been off and on anti-depressants since my early 30’s and I am now in my mid-50’s. I have been doing a lot of reading about food – real and processed – and how it affects our bodies and am now convinced that a lot of depression may be caused by 2 simple things – sugar and wheat-based products. I would be so curious to see if eliminating these from our diets would result in better or more manageable mood issues. Your thoughts?
Oh, I almost forgot. I’m also here because my step-dad is my biggest cheerleader and while he has no idea I deal with depression, from the beginning of the 13 years and counting that he’s been in my life, he’s always said to me, “Whitney, you’re tough – you got this.” And it’s his voice saying those words that I hear whenever I’m tired, scared, and wanting to give up. I’m tough. I’ve got this. And so do you all.
Thanks for teaching me that depression lies, and that it’s ok to go public with depression. It helps everyone heal. In the spirit of your post I decided to do a small one of my own.
http://hpwooten.com/post/31276169741/alive-today
I am completely giddy with joy when I saw your post about World Suicide Awareness Day. I lost my father to suicide at the age of 12. Every day is a struggle. Until I reached adulthood, I blamed myself and was terrified suicide was heredity because I didn’t know the facts. No one talks about the black sheep in the room, we just sweep it under the rug. This causes it to happen over and over and over again. Thank you for supporting awareness. Thank you for letting people know that living matters. <3
Jenny, you continue to amaze me with your bravery and desire to bring this to the forefront. This is something you will be very interested in. This is what I call ‘Social’ responsibility: Facebook Vice President-Global Public Policy Marne Levine spoke at a press conference at the National Press Club today about their company’s involvement in the National Action Alliance for Suicide Prevention. The event kicked off the new National Strategy for Suicide Prevention. http://bit.ly/QzZNiz
I love this. Social media may wind up being the thing that brings mental health issues out of the dark ages. Sign me up for any initiative along those lines.
During a very dark time I went to an online forum for the surviving family members of people who committed suicide. After reading some of those posts, I made a conscious decision that I will not let my daughter feel that anger and bewilderment (why wasn’t I enough of a reason to live for) that so many expressed.
For those of you writing that your children get you through the darkest hours – I will share with you that my stepdaughter was 11 at the time of my late husband’s suicide. And her first thoughts and words were, “Why wasn’t I enough?” Please hang on for your kids. Don’t think for even ONE MINUTE that they, or any of your loved ones, would be better off without you. IT SIMPLY IS NOT TRUE.
I’m here because I don’t want my niece to grow up wondering why her Aunt left her. I’m here because I wont let the man who raped me win. I’m here because I believe I can do something good for someone else even when I can’t for myself. I am here because I am loved. When I feel lost, I feel like a kite floating away. I always ask my parents and friends to hold my strings and they do. That’s how I keep from feeling totally out of control. Someday I will get a tattoo of a kite flying with someone holding the string. For now I look at my infinity tattoo and remember that I am connected to everyone. There have been depressed people who have had wonderful lives despite it who have lived before me, there are ones living now, and there will be ones in the future. I have to strive for that.
Jenny, thank you so much for your post and for your honesty. My husband completed suicide five months ago and every day my four year old daughter and I struggle with the lasting, devastating effects of mental illness. You are right…depression does lie and distort reality. A handsome, funny, intelligent man with a loving wife and devoted daughter couldn’t see the difference between his pain and his life. So ending one, meant ending the other. As I try to work through the trauma of his unexpected loss and the grief inherent in any death, I have also learned that suicide is still a taboo subject in our society. People treat his death as less than, whisper how he died, and go to great lengths to avoid me or avoid mentioning him to me. It is crazy! I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for discussing this and bringing it to the public conscience.
On a happier note, these are the positives that keep me moving ahead, when the weight of everything seems too much: Seeing my daughter’s sweet, silly, adorable face; music…all sorts of music (Bright Eyes, Bach, the Beatles); a good book…yours was one of the first I read when I finally had the composure to sit and read again!
Thank you, Jenny. I am in day 3 of a crash. It’s amazing how physically painful it is. Today is the beginning of the climb out. Today I can recognize that the ‘ground glass’ in my body needs to be swept out with tears. The physical pain is accompanied by emotional numbness. I know I’m getting better when I start to feel again, react again, when a song can make me cry.
Thank you, Jenny. You are one of those things that save my life.
I have spent the last three years trying to convince my 15-year old that life is worth living. She is horribly bullied and picked on because she is gay. This includes a lot of parents, teachers and school administrators. It’s hard to convince a teenager that things get better when she sees so many people who hate and condemn. Seeing the comments from this blog reminds us both that there is so much more good, move love, and more compassion in the world than not . Please do your part to keep our LBGT youth alive – if not acceptance, please teach love and tolerance to your children and community. We will all be better for it.
Jessie’s post reminded me of something I wanted to say but forgot. Those words from Victor: “Life might be easier without you, but it wouldnt be better.” have stuck with me too. Tell him he wins too.
As my late husband used to say, “could be a little bit better, could be a whole lot worse”, and so life is. I’m one of the lucky ones and wish hope and bravery and fingernails strong enough to hold on with to all.
I should have been born on International Bacon Day. Sharing a birthday with suicide awareness day AND having it fall on a Monday this year is a double whammy. No judging, I’m eating the entire cake. THE ENTIRE CAKE!
Thank you so much for this! I’m one of the lucky ones who know depression lies but I have lost someone who didn’t and have a few who are still fighting to figure it out. My all time favorite song for when things get bad is “Swim” by Jack’s Mannequin.
http://kittykerri.blogspot.com/2012/01/swim.html
I am here because I was saved by Jesus. I am here because I am a wife, mother,an aunt, a sister, daughter, cousin, niece, friend. When I was a teenager I had many dark days. when I thought no one loved me. when I thought people would be better off without me. when I thought I was so alone. I look into the face of my child, into the eyes of my wonderful husband. I even see the excitement in my two crazy cats when I come home from a long trip… I am here because all those people (and cats)and the Lord Jesus love me – and because I love them. I have everything to live for and more. 🙂
I’m here because my mom said “I need you” and because no matter what they say about big pharma, there can be better living through chemistry. @Amanda – I do hope your child has seen http://www.itgetsbetter.org!
I was just wondering today if you were aware of the awesomeness otherwise known as Amanda Palmer. That’s one of my fav songs too. Acceptance – it’s a life skill. My mantra – “Love is my superpower.” Gotta keep on keeping on. Thank you, Jenny!!
Very seriously, I have been saved, in large part, by you. Thank you for caring & thank you for this place.
[BTW, it’s also a trigger for me.]
I lost one of my oldest and dearest friends to suicide about a month and a half ago. This summer has only seemed to get worse since then and I’ve been more depressed than I can remember. Hearing these stories and people sharing their words of strength helps me — knowing that there’s someone else who stays alive for the sake of seeing the next episode of Doctor Who, that someone else finds comfort in making lists. I’m scared to try, because I’m scared to fail. But today I’m thinking of all the things that have only come into my life recently, and that tomorrow I might find something new to love, something new that excites me. I started reading Neil Gaiman two years ago, and he’s my favorite author. I found this blog after that, and it makes me happy and gives me inspiration for what I would like to accomplish. “The Nerdist” podcast and videos have brought so much fun and happiness to my life for less than a year. If all these things are so new to me and mean so much, there must be more to come. And this post reminded me of that. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to make this important topic more widely understood. Today is an important day, but we should be able to recognize every day as an important step in reducing the stigma on on psychiatric symptoms. They’re real, and they are hard to live with. Until we all acknowledge that it’s nothing to be ashamed of, it will not get the attention it deserves.
“The good things never last, but neither do the bad”
That saved me one time.
My husband saves me every day. There is this really beautiful word art he found of two hands holding each other. One is talking about how it doesn’t fully understand but it wants to be there and be a rock. The other hand is all about depression. Every time I see it I am so moved it makes me cry. The first time I saw it was when I had come home and he had made it his desktop on his computer. He called me over because he wanted to show it to me. Just knowing that he understood shook me at my core and I knew somehow it was all going to be ok – whether I liked it or not. Depression and Anxiety are something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Most days are fine. It’s those days when I am trapped in the bathroom sobbing and almost miss my plane somewhere that really suck. Thank you for making this ok to talk about – it is a problem. We are not just odd or peculiar. I’ve always been this way – since I was born.
I don’t normally comment because I feel like I’m just echoing what other people say … like “what would happen to the cats?” because that is something I think all the time haha. Meeting you in Chicago was awesome – total bucket list item. Thanks for being you. Ditto.
Reasons to stay seem to become less and less important each day. It’s getting harder to think of them. Despair and sadness are growing. I’m in therapy, as I have been on and off for the last 14 years and it’s not working. I can’t seem to make that change. I’m hanging om with everything I’ve got, but I’m so tired. How long before you stop trying? How many more years of sadness, lonelyness?
Depression lies; it deserves a fucking Oscar.
Depression lies
My soul dies
A
My Mom killed herself 40 years ago this week.
Seems like yesterday. Still sobbing.
Thanks for the topic and letting people know there’s help.
My husband and I are still here because …
For me, in part (as stupid as it sounds) I deny, I deny until I can’t deny any more. I refuse to believe. And when I have to face it, I look REALLY deep, and realize that in the big scheme of what is life, I am not as bad as some. I allow myself to cry when alone.
For my husband, it is more recent, a “break” caused by work and stress. He is here because I have been there, we support each other and he is learning to say no!
What helps is cuddling, our son (hell of a sense of humour!) and knowing that it will pass. And, knowing that it is common.
I thank YOU for allowing me to admit, that ya, I do have issues, but it doesn’t make me broken, it makes me normal!!
I’m here because the thought of leaving my mother alone is something I could never do.
I try to remind myself that it will be ok again, just got to ride out the storm.
Patrick Wolf’s music helped me through when I was struggling to come to terms with the fact I was in some serious depression and these words were a real wake up call for me http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSqaUfPWGI4
And when I need to shake myself out and remember that it’s ok to feel down because it happens to everyone, I dance to this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ey_fY9qcAXk and hope you can too x
I’m here because I refuse to let that bitch, Depression, be stronger than I am. Jenny, sharing a song that helped me get through some of my darkest days: http://youtu.be/humI4UELsXY. Actually this entire CD was the soundtrack for my healing. Even now, when things get overwhelming, and I need a little peace and serenity, I pop this back on and it helps bring the calm back to my world. But this song in particular helps me feel that this too shall pass.
Still here, due to a line from Wicked (the book, still working to get organized enough for tickets to the show). In the book, Elphaba mentions that she and her sister were fortunate but her brother was less so, because (paraphrasing) “No matter how messed up, we still had a mother — at least for a while.” “At least for a while” – and that makes me work to turn that while into a longer while, for my kids.
I’m still here because I can always think of something that will happen in the future that I don’t want to miss, even it’s as simple as a holiday or the premiere or The Return of the King.
But mostly I’m still here because of my friends. Because they love me and have my back and want me to be here. And on the days when that wasn’t enough, my love for them and my desire to never hurt them still outweighed the pain I was in and my desire to stop hurting, and that was enough.
I’m still here because I think who will take care of my chihuahua, coincidentally her name is Jenny, if decide to end it. Probably my mother and she would over feed her and would probably not stick to her grain free diet. I know it probably sounds crazy (ooops I mean severely depressed with an anxiety disorder) but day to day caring for her gets me through. I am unable to have children due to having to have a hysterectomy 6 years ago, so “fur children” are gonna be it for me. My therapist explained to me that thinking about suicide is like standing on the edge of a cliff and the more time you spend at the edge, being interested in the edge and maybe putting a toe over the edge the more it seems “comfortable” there and the more curious you are about what happens if you go over the edge. So even if you are not making specific plans of ways and means it is just as dangerous to think about suicide, or not being anymore, you should seek help early because the more comfortable the idea gets the more danger you are in.
I am still here because no matter how evil the voices get and no matter how many medications we have to experiment to get the schizophrenia under control, my cats are REAL and they love me and need me.
My husband saved me in 1995, and has been saving me every day ever since. I wouldn’t be here without him. Thank you once again for raising awareness of depression. We all owe you a lot.
you are really awesome. you are funny, have this amazing presence on the internets and IRL AND you write and speak so often about something that continues to be so difficult for so many to talk about. THANK YOU! i do not suffer from depression (so far ;o), but i know so many that do suffer from depression and a multitude of other mental health related issues. so, i think it’s really great that you are so well known and you are out here talking about it. huge hugs!
Depression runs in both sides of my family, and often my knee jerk reaction is to consider suicide, even if it is only a fleeting thought. Part of me knows I do this because others in my family found it a solution, and part of me know that I have the tendency just to get depressed. Staying happy requires some work to keep it in check. In the long term, I always arrange to have something to look forward to: a vacation, visiting family, a positive advancement at work, or some sort of attainable personal achievement. In the short term, I pick up the phone or make plans to see a friend no matter how depressed I might feel. It always solves the problem. I hope this helps you too! Oh, and anyone who makes you second doubt yourself, cut them out!
I wrote about it here, but one night it was a stranger in a different country that saved my life. Today he’s one of my best friends.
I love the saying depression lies. It’s completely true, I wish I someone had said that to me when I was a teenager as I believed all the lies. For me the way out was to argue with the beast. Every time it was mean to me I argued back. I started with just ‘that doesn’t have to be true’ and worked my way up to refuting every negative statement by giving myself the most over the top compliment I could think of. It’s not a cure all but if it helped me it might help some other people too.
I’ve got all emotional reading the comments. There are some really wonderful people going through tough times here, please hang on in there everyone.
Sunday night before bed, someone reminded me it was World Suicide Prevention Day on Monday. I knew I had to post about it, especially when I woke up before 2 am. I got out of bed and wrote this http://www.darkmatterfanzine.com/blog_dmf/suicide-awareness-day/ but I didn’t mention my own personal battle.
On my 15th birthday Mum rang up and abused me on my birthday before hanging up. I hardly ever saw my father. I lived with my grandmother who was hardworking and probably struggling to cope with her demanding alcoholic gambling husband, her physically and intellectually disabled son, another son (my favourite uncle) died when he was 20, and her other son was incredibly demanding and, at times, abusive. I took several pills then I started thinking about what death meant.
I thought about oblivion as what comes next; that appealed but I didn’t really believe it.
I thought about reincarnation and having to relive this life over and over until I didn’t commit suicide. That scared the shit out of me.
I thought about the Christian God (I was brought up Anglican). Suddenly I felt I was in front of him. He said, ‘I gave you a chance and you blew it.’
I stopped taking pills, got ready for bed, woke up the next day alive.
A few months later I visited Mum. She took me to a BBQ and gave me 5 glasses of wine in under and hour. I couldn’t even sit up, I was so pissed. Apparently I told her about my suicide attempt. She was furious.
A few months after that I moved in with my mother full-time for the first time in four years because she moved house. She was always angry with me, was yelling at me and abusing me for things that were out of my control. I walked into the bedroom I was supposed to share with my half-sister. I had to spray my drawers with Baygon, which is supposed to kill pests. I took a big lung full, then I started to cough, and cough, and cough. Mum walked in, saw the can and knew straight away what I’d done and why. She yelled and threw me out of the house to cough my guts up in the cold air outside. She never got me help as she didn’t want anyone to know.
I had a baby when I was 17. In hindsight I think I was trying to create a family, to have someone to love me. Having kids helped me and kept me going because I didn’t want to abandon them like my parents had abandoned me (both still living, neither committed suicide).
I briefly had the job of my dreams working as a community health worker for SA Health, the department of health in South Australia, I was refused disability access (magnification on computer screens etc for vision impairment) then I lost my job. The internal investigation found that my life-long vision impairment doesn’t exist in spite of medical reports – the middle manager without medical qualifications decided his personal assessment took priority over medical reports stating that I’m an albino, and when I complained right to the top, medical doctors supported his assessment. The investigation also found that I hadn’t declared my disability and hadn’t asked. The Equal Opportunities Commission found I had declared my disability and I had asked for access and been refused, but they found that I didn’t ask enough times. I tried going to court but I couldn’t afford a lawyer. The judge (also in the South Australian government system) laughed and said he was going to rule my evidence inadmissible; he refused to give justification, he just said, ‘because I can’. This awful experience destroyed my career – I’ve been unemployed for the past 6.5 years except for 10 days’ temp work – and has set me back, struggling so much.
Now my kids have both left home I’m struggling more.
I’ve tried to build Dark Matter as a hobby and a way to contribute to society and perhaps either a means of opening doors to a career or even (wishful thinking) to become a career in itself. The response: I’ve been aggressively attacked by people in the science fiction community, some of whom I’d previously given good publicity! Others who attacked me, I hadn’t even heard of previously. Dark Matter issue 10 is already two months late because I’ve found it so difficult to return to what I was doing, which was why they attacked me.
I’ve applied for a job working for a disability access organisation. I’ve been waiting and hoping for weeks that I might get accepted. It’s just an admin assistant position, but it’s working for social justice issues, making a contribution to society. It’d also help with our financial woes: hubby has been out of work for over two months so far. I think if I don’t hear back this week that it’s not going to happen.
I’m trying so hard to build something positive but it’s such an uphill battle.
I’m here because no matter how bad it gets, no matter how much pain I’m in, no matter the crazy insanity going on in my life…I can still dream. I can still luxuriate in daydreaming of a happier me and a brighter tomorrow…I might not be able to feel that way all the time, but I know there will come a time when I’ll be able to again. I have so much left unfinished and I’m still a Type A personality underneath it all; do it and do it right. I can’t leave yet, I have so much more magic to share.
That and I kick serious ass at warping minds, and who *doesn’t* need more of that!
This is chemical. It is not reality. It will be better in the future.
Thankfully, for me it was. I wish all of you strength who are still facing the battle.
I can’t tell you how helpful your posts are, Jenny. I read your stories and think, ‘Whoa, what a cool, funny, interesting lady. She’s got a family, a career, a bestselling book, and is so funny! I wish I could be like that.’ Then, I read your posts about struggling with depression and how hard it is sometimes and I think, ‘Shit, I AM like that!’ It just gives me hope and some perspective… maybe some of the people around me look up to me too. Maybe I am worth more than I think I am, too. So thanks for that. Really. 🙂
I’m still here because of my kids especially my youngest. When I was in my darkest place I discovered I was pregnant with my youngest, I knew that I owed it to my unborn child to do
everything I could to get out of that dark place. I named my son Rohan which means healing because that’s what he was and still is, he’s a ray of sunshine and brightens up every room
That song has helped me more than just about anything else in my wandering through depression.
God bless Amanda Fucking Palmer.
This is one of the songs that I had an epiphany recently around, Firewood by Regina Spektor.
http://youtu.be/qOsjFLnaGjM
Depression sucks the big ones. I have been in quite the bought her lately. Struggling to keep my head above water and continue to care. My Grandmother is in stage 4 cancer. Just found out Saturday. Then I found out that my Dad has been in and out of the hospital with major surgeries and was never told. My Son turned 7 yeasterday and I phoned in his party. Litterally. I called my friends and say come over for a box cake and bag stuffed gifts I’ve had shoved in the back of my closet. He enjoyed it and all worked out, but I wonder if that’s because my children’s standards have been lowere by my inability to keep it together. I don’t know anyting any mroe. I am numb and just want to sleep. I would post about today and spread the word, but I was lucky to post a pic (too old for the topic) and a beltated b-day greating to my son on my blog. I was lucky to get that done. I am not announcing my defeat, so no worries aboiut me. Just think it’s ironic. Seriously, I am typing this with my eyes closed because I just can’t cope with it all right now and my body has shut down, ignoring all demands I have put on it to proceede as normal. Throwing in the towel to sleep now. Hope you personally are doing better and love your advocacy for those of us who struggle with ourselves just to survive.
Pretty sure I am rambling now. Please ignore the typos. No desire to go back and check them. Sorry.
Much love and admiration,
Kid!
Jenny, thanks for reminding me that I am worth the effort. I’m not suicidal (too damn chickenshit), but depression lies to me everyday. I am slowly learning to not believe it. Your words and understanding helps. Here’s to all of us!
I’m here because so far I’ve been able to stop and remind myself that if I killed myself, the people who love me would never, ever get over it. My children, my parents, my husband — they would be ruined forever and I would have done that to them.
I’m here because I still have one grandparent left. He’s in his 90s and has outlived his wife and all of his many siblings. He would never want to outlive a grandchild. How could I do that to him?
I’m here because my son also suffers from anxiety and depression and there were times when I thought we’d lose him. I need him to know that suicide is not an option. If I do it, what’s to stop him from doing it? (He is in therapy and on meds now and doing much better.)
I’m seeing a therapist myself for the first time this week. It’s long overdue. Just to have taken that step is HUGE for me. You and all the commenters here have helped me take that step. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Things that have helped me in my lifelong struggle against depression and suicidal thoughts: Meatloaf’s Bat Out Of Hell album (if the world can produce a voice like that, maybe it’s not so bad?), getting outdoors as much as possible, buying a cheap drugstore lipstick or nail polish to reward myself for getting through another day, re-reading favorite books from childhood (like Madeleine L’Engle’s Time trilogy), old reruns of Bewitched, exercise (this used to not help but now it does), journaling.
I LOVE THIS AMANDA PALMER SONG! The things that save me daily… its a list 1st my kids without them i would still be some irresponsible drunkard working in a bar somewhere not aspiring to be anything more … 2nd my husfriend he is my bff and he keeps me from freaking out so bad 3rd my kitty… cause if i wasn’t here no one would understand him… 4th my friends and family and my lizard… well my friends are my family… and last but not least… if i wasn’t here who would make inappropriate jokes at awkward moments and who would have an opossum tattoo across from a weasel for no reason other than we were bored? This place would suck if I wasn’t around cause well lets face it… I have become pretty amazing over the years… lol so thanks cause today was a day i needed to think about all the amazing things in my life… 😀
ps undiagnosed bi polar right here… i should be on meds but alas i attempt to handle it on my own… thank god my husfriend is a patient man
Internet threw me of, sorry.
Depression lies
My soul dies
A little bit more each day
Depression lies
My soul dies
And I can’t find my way.
It gives me a bit of hope that there are so many of you that are struggling, but surviving; winning this. It gives me some courage when people like you, Jenny, dare to be brave enough to write about it! And also all the people that commented. I’m just afraid I’m not that smart and strong and brave.
I’m here because of 10 pounds of white fluffy fur with two button eyes and a button nose. It is like Jim Henson looked down from where ever the really good folks go and saw into my heart and made a muppet just for me. I got him hours before his time to be “Put down.” I didn’t save him- he saved me.
I really wish I could read all these comments since some of them are really beautiful… but getting too much in my own head about depression is a dangerous thing for me. I practice regular acts of denial and shiny happy puppies. So yes, let’s focus on the positive.
I am here because I couldn’t do that to my students, and because I realized that my husband was hurting BECAUSE I was hurting. For the first time in months I looked in his eyes and saw someone else’s pain and realized I was the only one that could make it stop.
Words: Vonnegut “And so it goes.” It does keep going, as long as you’re still here, and for all the downs there are awesome ups. So stick around, and see how up it goes.
Song: My song now is “You are my sunshine” which I sing to my son. Because I, the chick who thought no-one would care if she left because she was never going to amount to anything worthwhile, now have a kick-ass kid. And I never thought I would. See what I would have missed if I had checked out!? IT. GETS. BETTER.
My particular brand of OCD causes me to think about suicide often, usually as thoughts I really don’t want to have, though I’ll admit, I’ve had the moments (when depressed lies) where I wonder . . . should I? I’ve never gone close to the point where I would, but the thoughts alone are scary. In all honesty, your blog has saved me on numerous occasions. Either from myself or from just letting my mental illness overtake me completely. Your posts on self harm, and being furiously happy have helped me to open up about my illness both to family and friends (face to face and online).
One song I listen to whenever I need saving is “Fucking Perfect” by Pink. The music video alone is heart wrenching and real.
I lived through my teens and twenties because of my dog, Scooby Doo. Sounds silly, but is totally true.
I’m here now because of my aging Great Dane, Schultz, and my husband.
I also know I could never put my parents through the grief of having their own child take her own life. I know my family would blame themselves, and I just can’t do it, even when I’ve been in the gutters of hell.
Depression does lie. It’s a dirty fucking scoundrel, it is.
Hang in there, folks. Things are always worse at night. Always darkest before the dawn. But there are sunny days ahead, even if it’s only here and there at first.
Keep fighting.
Don’t let that fucker depression win.
It’s an asshole!
_____
I’m still here because of my friends, my boyfriend, and my mom. They’ve gotten me through a lot of hard times, whether they know it or not. Just a random text of, “Hey! What’s up?” makes me remember that /somebody/ cares, /somebody/ would miss me if I wasn’t around to text back, even when I feel like I’m completely alone.
Thank you for posting this today, helping to bring more awareness for something that’s so scary and so dangerous, for letting people know they’re not alone and /somebody/ out there cares.
I’m here for my kids.. my husband.. my family. They keep me going, even when I don’t think I’m worth keeping going, that they’d be better off without me. That, and guilt.. my husband lost a family member when we were dating to suicide, and I couldn’t do that to him again. We still don’t talk about it, and it’s been probably over 25 years now. Also, as someone else mentioned, the fear that as much of a screw up as I can be, I’m afraid I’d screw up the attempt, and make things worse on my family by being a vegetable or invalid of some sort. Music can be such an outlet.. can’t think of any 1 particular song right now that helps.. I just love music.
Thanks for everything you offer the world. Life is beautiful. Even when it’s not. Sigh… And I love this song, and this music video. Which, maybe, I found here. You’ve posted it in the past, yes?
Hi, I just want to say thank you to everyone who has offered me support since my comment earlier. Thanks to you Jenny, I have been contacted by some amazing people who have reached out to me and sent kind messages of encouragement. I WILL get through this, just taking it one step at a time. (and changing my therapist….) big hugs.
This post couldn’t have come at a more important time…I almost killed myself yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that and almost every day for the past two months since my husband left me. Not just because I have lost the love of my life, but because I feel my whole life has been a long list of failures. I find it hard to see the point anymore. So why haven’t I done it? I get so close…the straight razors are sitting in my nightstand.
Three beautiful non failures. Alex, Tyler and Layla. Because if I did it, I would fuck there life up. My life has been fucked enough that I never want to contribute to the fuckedness of theirs. I really hope they aren’t as dissapointed with what life brings as I am. I really hope and I will be damned if my bs brings them to the dark place I am at. They keep me alive. They are the bright light, the cool breeze, the lemonade.
I’m still here because of you.
I’m still here because my four year old daughter needs me.
I’m still here because I am worth it.
I’m still here because I have a propose.
I’m still here because of some very special males. Seriously. My male friend in high school who made sure I got through each and every day by calling, making me eat, etc., and telling me that he was there for me. My husband who put up with my manic phase in 2006 and didn’t divorce me or make me feel guilty in any way. My son, who was my firstborn.
It’s no coincidence that two of these people have the same first name.
Depression does indeed lie.
The sound track to wicked…
Really good chocolate and a really good psychologist got me through the tough times. That’s it.
I have struggled with anxiety and depression for 2 decades. I have (like so many others) tried many many different meds and therpies and counselling and some of it has helped, some of it helped temporarily and some of it didnt work at all. Last summer I was at my lowest. I sat in bed and planned it all out. I couldnt do it though. My own father had attempted suicide when I was 11. His actions changed my life forever. The pain of his actions was carried in my heart then and I still feel it today. I couldnt do that to my own children who are 13 and 16. I just cant. So I have committed to
1) taking my meds
2) seeing my Dr regularly
3) finding something to laugh about everyday. My kids, my cats, my boyfriend, this blog, a You Tube video. Something. Every day.
4) I repeat the mantra that “depression is a lying bastard” over and over.
5) I remind myself each night that I made it thru the day and I only really have to get thru tomorrow. The rest of it will come when it comes.
6) I talk to people openly about what Depression is. So many people dont understand that we cant just snap out of it. We cant see the positives. We cant just tell ourselves it’ll be alright. I explain to people that it only makes me feel worse to know that “there are so many people out there that have less than me”. I ask people to not baby me but to call me up and tell me we’re going to Starbucks for an hour. I ask them to call me and tell me a funny story. I ask them to bring me a little bit of light and in return I will start to see that it’s going to be ok. I have lost friends and some family because the think I’m a drama queen who is “playing it all up”. I’m ok with these losses. They werent people who cared enough to find out how to help. I am holding on tight to the ones that do care.
Thank you Jenny. Each time you post, happy, sad, irreverant, quirky, posts you shine a bit of light into the dark corners of a lot of our worlds. And we all know you know how much it means to each of us. We hope that you find a tiny bit of light in our blogs, our posts, our links and our stories in return. 🙂
I still don’t know why i am still here except that if i ever did make the choice not to be , i would want my kids to know that i tried everything possible to stay. I have a safety net of someone that i can call no matter what time of day or night. I promised this person that if things ever got to that point that i would call him first. I’ve used that option once in the last two years. I’ve called a zillion times just to hear that i am alright and will get through.
That has been the most helpful thing.
I am here because i am just too damn hard headed to go, and would never want to prove anyone right about what a loser i am.
I am still here because I couldn’t put my mother through that pain.
I am still here because my animals need me to provide their home.
I am still here because I refuse to quit on myself.
I am still here because I wake up every morning to the Wonder Woman theme song and it gives me strength.
I’m still here, because when I stood there, on the edge, I realized that as much as I hurt then and there, I would hurt those I left behind even more by quitting. Other truths have since been brought in to fill the void, including the truth that there IS something wrong with me, but it was just a ‘minor’ chemical imbalance, made worse by some real stresses and hurts, and above all, I am not alone in this.
Thank you for this… you always have the right words just when I need to hear them. It is hard sometimes to remember how far I have come. I am still here because my brother-in-law killed himself. I was suicidal for years, but after he really did it I saw what it did to my family. I know now it is not a choice. I couldn’t put my loved ones through that pain again.
I am here because of my son and my amazing family. I have seen the other side and it is too dark. I couldn’t bear to hurt my family by killing myself. Now i just live through my depression. It is not an option.
I was ten, the first time I thought about suicide. My mind had become a dark, scary place. This is still the case, eleven years later. With a mix of depression and anxiety disorders, on most days, I think about suicide because it’s the only way I can escape myself. The monsters are all in my head. If I’m not around to consciously experience them, I’m free.
But, each day, I have to remind myself that I am not my demons.
I am not my demons.
I stick around because of guilt, more than anything else. My brothers and I have lost many people close to us, including our father. I grew up too fast. I don’t want to do that to them.
Some days, I think about the people I love and how they look out for me. And then I realize that the angels in my life are stronger than the demons in my head. And that gives me enough strength to want to live. For a few more days. Or weeks. Sometimes more.
My Song by Brandi Carlile has helped me put down a blade or a handful of pills on several occasions.
I’m here for no better reason than that my worst attempt failed.
I’m STILL here because every day since has shown me that it DOES get better. I wish I could go back and tell my teenage self swallowing the entire contents of the medicine cabinet that… but here we are.
Today has been a real struggle. Didn’t know it was wold suicide prevention day. It kind of is ironic but it also makes me very happy that I was able to get out of bed for a minute and check your blog. Reading your blog and all the posts makes me feel a little less alone.
The thing that kept me here today is my cat. Even if it might sound silly to some I’ve realized today that I don’t want to be without him and I don’t want him to be without me. Plus I don’t want anyone else to take care of him. I also know that in a short while I can go to sleep again and tomorrow will be a new day potentially filled with hope.
Gentle. Be gentle to yourself. Be good to yourself and believe you deserve it, because you DO! I have suffered for years with depression and through meds and therapy feel so much better, but it takes work. Baby steps. For months, every morning I had to tell myself, (and write it on my bathroom mirror) “I love and respect myself.”
I’m going to get off the couch today because I love and respect myself…I’m going to take a shower because I love and respect myself…I’m going to wash the dishes because I deserve to have a clean house and I love and respect myself…I’m going to get a pedicure and not feel guilty about it because I love and respect myself…I’m going to find things to be grateful for today because I love and respect myself…I don’t want to do anything that would hurt me or make me feel bad because I love and respect myself…I’m going to take a break from writing and working and feeling pressure for awhile because my fans will understand, they want me to be happy and succeed, and I love and respect myself. Take care girl. Sending you love, prayers, and positive thoughts.
P.S. I just finished attending a writer’s conference. I’ve attended many but have never been brave enough to submit a manuscript. Your book inspired me to go for it. I got an agent to read my stuff and he loved it.(More importantly he wants more!) I also have a publisher interested. You have helped make a dream of mine come true, and when the book comes out-you are going to get a big thank you from me on the acknowlegments. page. One never knows how many lives they touch-even of people they don’t know. Thank you for your courage to write the truth and for sharing your talent with the world.
I’m still here because, for all the anxiety and difficulties and random crap, I can’t imagine a better life anywhere else. I’m still here because, while I am loath to pin my hopes and dreams to another fallible human, the love of my life makes every day something special. And, maybe painful to remember but important all the same, I’m still here because at the time I thought hardest about it, I was convinced I would mess it up. Which was probably true, and I’m glad it was so.
A song I love, and for some reason cannot find a YouTube for, is a small but beautiful song by Hem. I’d encourage you to find it, but here’s the lyrics.
The Meeting Place
On the oldest day that the world has known,
I will meet you in the place we share.
And it’s not okay, but you’re not alone:
I will find a way and meet you there.
And all the ships are lost in the river–I’ll swing a light on the safest shore.
And it’s not okay, but it’s not too late,
‘Cause we’re not alone anymore.
I hit a bottom a few weeks ago. In the past few months, my husband and I lost our home and had our second miscarriage. What kept me going on the worst night was coming to our new place and seeing my dog waiting for me in the window with as much excitement and joy as ever.
When I was in college I volunteered at a suicide prevention hotline in Austin. They’d come and recruited some psych. students, thinking they’d beh more empathetic. We weren’t given a lot of training before we started, mostly just a list of emergency contacts if we thought they really needed help immediately or to get a referral to a doctor. For the most part we just listened; and sometimes that’s just what the person needed to get them through the night til morning-someone who would listen to them with judgement.
Thirty years later and there are times I could be making that call; but I can’t go anywhere. My dogs would miss me too much.
I’m still here because of my cats. A sense of responsibility for them kept me going when everything else was dark and I didn’t know where to turn. Five years later, I’m happier than I’ve ever been and finally found a few more reasons to keep going, including my very own Prince Charming. Depression’s a lying fuck and needs to be beaten down every day. Fight on!
My son, who has Aspergers Syndrome is what keeps me fighting. I’ve suffered from depression for as long as I can remember. At times its been bad. I developed anorexia at 13 and was self destructive for years. I have days where just getting out of bed is almost too much to bear. But I get up and push through.
My son was bullied so badly in school that he decided death was a reasonable option at 10 yrs old. Thankfully he found the words to tell me before he harmed himself. The struggle to help him has kept me going. He’s had a number of bouts of deep depression since then. We’ve had a sometimes scary, rocky road. Meds have helped both of us tremendously, as has a wonderful psychologist.
When things are bad I tell myself “this too shall pass”. So far they have. My kid just started his sophomore year in college. For the first time he’s living on campus and is happy. I’m not there yet, but I’m okay. For now thats good enough.
What kept me here was something I read while frantically searching the Web for a reason… I read that you always have the option of suicide so why not sit on it for 24 hours? Sleep on it and reevaluate the following day.
Funny how the thought of being able to do it is what worked.
I want to hug everyone on this forum who is hurting right now. Since I can’t, I’ll send y’all Reiki instead. I hope you will accept it.
It’s not that the world would be better without you; it’s that the world is better because of you. I believe this.
I suffer with an anxiety disorder that tries to keep me in my house, sometimes it wins but not alot. What keeps me going is my family and my son without him I would not be the person I am today. And I just wanted to say that I look forward to your next blog posts because I know that if my day has sucked thenas soon as I read your blog I’ll be back to laughing again. So thank you for that.
One of the reasons I’m still here is because thinking about what my mom would go through breaks my heart and I could never do such a cruel thing to her, she would probably be the one to find me. Hope is what has gotten me through the hard times. Hope for a better, easier tomorrow and future for myself and my future children. I also didn’t know what my young niece and nephew would be told and how they would process it. I just love people to much to do that to them.
I am still here of my children.
I am still here because my friends remind me they love me and are here for me.
I am here because in my worst moments I remind myself that I someday I will believe I am good enough.
And I remind myself that I can breathe and get through this moment and it won’t always be this dark…(I couldn’t do that 3 years ago)
A couple of the songs I listen to in the dark moments are:
Stronger – Kelly Clarkson
I came to win – Ellee Duke
I myself am lucky enough to not suffer from depression- it runs heavily in my family. I have many friends who suffer from this disease… I have lost a handful of beautiful, unique souls so far. My hope is that all of you out there who deal with this daily know how much you matter, how much we all (family, kids, best friends, etc) need you to hang on , to fight, when it seems impossible. As you always say- depression lies.
I am proud of all of you.
While I have never seriously contemplated suicide, my brother made a few attempts in his teens (thankfully doing much better now) and I occasionally struggle with dark thoughts. My happy place involves thoughts of my family, my husband, my cat, and music by Garbage, Goldfrapp, Pink, & Cake. Garbage’s “The Trick is to Keep Breathing” is a mantra I take to heart.
I’m here because of Alison.
I used to think that the people who call the suicide hotline are just attention grabbing idiots. I used to think that I wasn’t depressed, I was just being logical. I used to think that if I wasn’t helping anybody now I wouldn’t hurt anybody by leaving. I used to fantasize about getting hurt or dying, and tried to guess what people’s reactions would be. I used to think that not only was I alone, I was separated permanently because of my life and my experiences.
Alison helped me. I don’t want to share her story, as it’s not mine to tell, but she reminded me both that I wasn’t only person who felt lost, and that even though I barely knew her, I’d still be missed. She reminded me of life, and I am forever grateful to her.
Even today, I’ll catch myself thinking suicidally, if only for the briefest moments. Sometimes it’s not even suicide, just a quick broken leg to ease the pressure and stress of my life. I am by no means fixed, and I doubt I ever will be, but I’m better now than I have been in years, and not a day goes by when I don’t thank Alison for everything she has done and continues to do for me.
If you need help, don’t be afraid to reach out. It’s not selfish to think that other people want to help you. It’s not needy to bring your skeletons out of the closet. Depression lies, and kept to yourself it festers and rots. Everything is clearer in the light of day, and life is always changing. Don’t keep it to yourself. It’s not weak to ask for help. Find a friend, get back into the world. Everybody has something to share with you. Never give up.
My children saved me when I was at my lowest. Then, a little medication and making a change in my life brought me the rest of the way out. My children and my dearest husband keep me up now, along with dark chocolate, Halloween, and dancing.
I’ve been through the worst year ever and had one of the worst things happen to me I could ever imagine. So right now depression really isn’t lying to me, it’s pretty much telling me the truth. And even though my kids don’t live with me full time right now (see first sentence) I know they need me and love me. That is the ONLY thing keeping me here.
I also wanted to thank you for using your blog to spread the word about depression, anxiety, suicide, etc. I can only imagine how many lives you touch, you will never ever know what effect you have on people.
I’m here because of my partner and my parents. I cannot destroy their lives, even as I sometimes wish to surrender my own. And I remind myself that just as my highest highs are fleeting, so too are my lowest lows. R.E.M.’s “Everybody Hurts” has particular resonance for me.
Don’t Give Up by Peter Gabriel has helped in the past. However in my most recent decent into hell, one of my dearest friend gave me a choice: see a psychiatrist or involuntary commitment. Years later I work with my psychiatrist to moniter how I’m doing, adjust meds as needed and I haven’t falllen into the pit since. She literally saved my life.
Dude, how awesome is it that Wil Wheaton just basically reblogged you!! (over at WilWheaton.net) I mean, I know you and Wil are like two peas in a pod and all but WooHoo!!!
Ironically, I have a ticket to go see Amanda Palmer. She is starting RIGHT THIS MINUTE here in Philly.
But I’m having a panic attack and so am sitting on my bed trying to motivate myself to go.
Depression and anxiety suck.
I knew I had hit rock bottom when my love for my son, partner and fur-children couldn’t hold me to this plane. All it took was one comment, over something stupid, to topple me over the edge. I was lucky though, my partner found me and I got the help I had so desperately needed for over half a lifetime. I am now medicated and I’m fine with that. While I don’t talk about my suicide attempt, I talk about my breakdown and my break through. The hardest part of it all was admitting I suffer with mental illness to those around me.
Hi, my name’s Anita and I suffer with severe depression, anxiety and borderline personality disorder. I am only human after all, but I’m alive to tell my tale and hopefully help someone else in crisis. (kinda refreshing that)
I didn’t link to my blog because I’m not really using it right now. I have had too many things to say that aren’t book related, and it’s meant to be a blog about books.
I don’t know why I said that. It’s not important. But I had to start somewhere.
I have lost two of my grandparents (one on each side of the family) to suicide. After the first one was gone, the second one said she was sorry to hear about his death, and then she told me that when she did it it would be my fault. She had a husband, 7 kids, 16 grandkids, a few great-grandkids, and assorted other family members around her, and she singled me out. She had, I have since learned, done that to my mother, too. Of course, she never used the words “When I shoot myself in the head, it will be all your fault” with anyone but me.
I didn’t speak to her for a long time. Eventually, she indirectly apologized, and we were okay for a while. Then, some family came to visit from out of town, and we had a fight about whether or not I should share a family secret. My grandfather was on my side, and, while I gave in and promised I wouldn’t say anything, she was still teary-eyed when I left. A few weeks later, I got the call that she’d gone behind the house and shot herself.
I didn’t cry about grandmother’s death. I helped with the funeral preparations, as the oldest grandkid in the area, and I tried to comfort my relatives as best I could. I knew that it wasn’t my fault. I knew that she was just being mean. I knew that, and I thought I believed it.
And for almost seven years, I have only felt a fleeting sadness. Then, yesterday, I broke down. I realized (because of some stuff going on in my life now) that I am not okay with what she had said. I am not okay with the fact that she had died, and I feel responsible. I feel so responsible that I am afraid it will happen again, and I will do anything I have to do to make sure that the people in my life are happy – even at the expense of my health (mental or otherwise). I feel so responsible that yesterday I wondered if I should join her. I wondered if I could escape the guilt if I just followed her down that road.
I knew that I couldn’t do that. I also know that I will, on occasion, when things are really bad, have to fight the urge. I told the person in my life that had (indirectly and unintentionally) realize this what was going on, and I think we are on a better, healthier path. It was talking to him that finally pulled me out of the hole that I was in. Reaching out to someone and finding out that he does, in fact, love me (I’d recently had reason to doubt it) helped. He saved me. And all I had to do was talk. Why does that have to be such a hard thing to do?
Thank you. I fight it too. I have friends, good people who fight it and I have known some who have lost the battle. Knowing that we are not alone makes it a little easier to bear.
I’m here because I tell myself that my best friend would never forgive me if i killed myself, and the thought of having to carry a guilt complex even through purgatory, stops me.
I’m here because I tell myself that if I can hug my knees to my chest and squeeze my eyes shut until I fall asleep exhausted, that urges won’t be so strong in the morning, and some of the hurt will seem manageable.
I’m here because I hide the sharp objects. And the pills. And because our garage is too messy to house a car and the fumes. And because sometimes, at just the right time, I catch the edge of a storm. And when I realize that being dead means I don’t get to watch storms roll in, I decide I can live at least until the next one, and then until the one after that.
I’m very fortunate to not have had to fight the battle in a very long time, but I’ve been there & wont ever ever forget. For what it’s worth, excersise is my answer. Dancing in the living room, taking the dogs for a walk, or even better, real cardio to work up a sweat.
There was a time when I would have said I’m here because of friends and family and all that.
But now, I’m here for me. Because I only get one shot at this and I’ll be damned if I’m going to let some fucking bullshit disease keep me from doing it the best I can.
And seeing all these comments above mine…dude, there are so many of us. We’re our own little fucked-up army and I love being a part of it. Thanks for calling us all to muster, Jenny.
I’ve heard you when you said depression lies but I don’t know how to stop listening… I have a therapist and I started a treatment but it feel it will always be like this. I’ve been here before, which should help me think I can defeat this but the truth is I feel tired of fighting all my life, and when I think I just caught a break it’s only an illusion. I feel trapped because not even death is a way out, due to my religious beliefs. I want to stop crying, to feel THERE IS a reason to wake up in the morning…. I can’t think of one.
I wrote because I can’t talk to my friends about this and I know you understand me.
Thank you for your post, you make me laugh and hope sometimes.
And thanks all of you who share your feelings and thoughs… “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” made smile and made me wonder: “Could it be?”
We’re really glad you’re still here. Just sayin’.
I am constantly amazed that the bloggers I like most all suffer from depression and anxiety. I have felt so much less alone this last year.
This is the song that helps me.
http://youtu.be/ocDlOD1Hw9k
My child keeps me here. Sunshine keeps me here. Love. Laughing. More things keep me here than the lie that tells me (often) I should go.
Thank you for this. I wrote about my brother today. He listened to the lie.
I’m not sure why I’m still here. No. That’s not correct. I could say I’m here because of my family and friends, and that’d be true to a point, but I know I’m really here because I have a beautiful niece and nephew who pretty much saved my life. I just don’t know how I managed to stay holding on long enough for them to come into the picture.
I’ve spent most of my life dealing with moderate to severe depression and anxiety. I sporadically saw therapists and doctors, occasionally got meds, but nothing worked in the long run. I’ve been crippled by it for so long. I had to give up on dreams because it was impossible to fulfill them in my state, but something in me, even at my lowest, begged me to hold on. I still can’t figure out if I was a coward or so hopelessly idealistic that I had to find out if there was something better than what I was feeling. Either way, I made myself somewhat functional, and when my nephew was born, and I got to help take care of him for his first year, I finally got my answer. It took 26 years, but I got my answer. Then I finally had the strength to start fighting for me. I’m nowhere near where I want to be, and a lot of days are really hard, but I am doing so much better than I ever thought possible. Just knowing they love me and I love them in a way that is so different than anything I ever could have known was possible keeps me here and makes me fight.
Thank you for talking about this. Thank you to everyone who shared. It’s so good to know I’m not alone. As Jessi said, who knows how many posts before mine, “We’re our own fucked-up little army and I love being a part of it.” There’s no other army I’d rather be part of.
I am still here because there are an absurd number of people who love me far more than I could ever imagine loving myself, and regardless of whether I ever feel worthy of that love, I will fight like hell to keep from hurting them in return.
I am lucky. My life is blessed and worth living. These are the truths I tell myself when depression lies to me (every. single. day.).
Jenny, you are important; you do more good and spread more hope than you’ll ever know. Thank you.
I’m still here because 15 years ago on Sept 11th my brother in law took his own life and I never want to put my sweet, caring husband through that horrible and painful experience again. So I fight every single day.
Fountains Of Wayne – Today’s Teardrops
http://youtu.be/yXRPkTpDWZM
thank you so much bloggess…
I’m still here because there have been too many suicides in my family, so I’ve seen the damage that does first-hand and I cannot do that to my husband and children.
I’m still here because I know my brain is fucking with me.
I’m still here because in my heart I know that there are a lot of people that love me and would be heartbroken if I threw in the towel.
I’m still here because of your ‘depression lies’ video – to say that it came along at precisely the right moment is a real understatement. Thank you for that. Thank you so much.
I’m here for my girls. I’m here becasue when I really think about it, there are things I want to do in the future. Even when I don’t know it, I tell myself that it won’t always be like it is now. I keep saying it until I believe it. I’m here because I think about all of the people who would be sad at my funeral. I don’t want to do that to them.
Even saying the word out loud saves lives. Recognizing those thought exist in all of us at one time or another saves lives. Knowing you’re not alone, that there are others, saves lives.
Keep talking.
I’m still here because there are many things I want to do and I’d hate to miss out on the experiences. I keep hoping that some day I’ll finally be a mom.
Feeling sad. 🙁
Glad I can read through all of these incredible people’s posts. I love it here. And I love it on Postsecret, too.
Thank you, this inspired me to write my own blog on the subject and encourage the people around me to speak out and listen up.
Oh my god thank you for reposting that video. I think you posted it once before and I’ve gone back to search for it on your blog so many times without success. Today I really needed it and bam, there it was. Thanks.
In return, here is MY favorite kick-ass woman video (teaser – the chorus goes “My vagina is 8 miles wide. . .”):
Finally, I was inspired to post a similar entry on my own blog. Feel free to check it out: http://www.journeytowildness.blogspot.com
I’m still here because my beloved ex (just as he became my ex after I cheated on him and hated myself so much I wanted to spontaneously combust) made me promise not to hurt myself when I wanted nothing more than to just… let go.
That promise kept me from walking into traffic, kept me from devastating my friends and family. I got over the self-hatred eventually, but only because that promise stopped me from giving in to it.
And now? Well, I have my bad days or months (SADs kinda suck) but I haven’t been that low since. And the knowledge of that – that I was that low, and was still strong enough to pull through – has helped me out of some pretty dark places.
I hope everyone else can find that one bright spark, that one bit of strength, that one person who makes them promise. *love to all*
“No other road, no other way,
No Day But Today” — Rent
Jenny and the Lawsbians have gotten me through more days lately than you can imagine. Thank you all for being in a place where I can find you. You make my life better, Jenny….and your friends are awesome….but not as awesome as HST.
Things that help me:
1. I fake it till I make it. Smile hard enough and long enough, and it becomes real.
2. “Sometimes we have to choose between what is right, and what is easy.”
– Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore
3. Slutty brownies.
I’m still here because because depression lies
I’m still here because I learned to tell people to fuck off.
I’m still here because sometimes life gets better.
The first time I tried to kill myself, I was 10 years old.
I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, self injury, and borderline personality disorder since then.
My father gave up and died in 2000.
My husband died of cancer Christmas 2009.
Since my husband’s death I’ve been in treatment and while not quite good, I’m not doing half bad either.
I am still here.
Thank you.
You are one of my heroes.
Depression DOES lie!!!!! This has become my mantra to fight my family inheritance.
My mother was a beautiful person and mother. She was a clinical social worker for 30+ years…. and helped many a client through suicidal moments. Her own mother was mentally ill, definitely depressed, but also probably some other diagnosis that never was made. My mother struggled with her own depression her whole life but kept it managed for the most part. I know that my sister and I were her reasons for keeping a hold of it. but after we both reached adulthood and wonderful success… (we have 5 degrees between the two of us… and have amazing careers)…. she succumbed to her demons and committed suicide 12 years ago. I was 22 years old and devastated.
i have since had my own struggles of my own. there is some truth to the notion that suicidal thoughts are inherited. While I know the havoc and heartbreak being the survivor of suicide is….. in those moments of depression lying to me, it seems like more of a realistic option when I’m is in the depths of darkness, aka the lies. i remember one particularly dark night where I wished my elderly father was gone…. so that I could go too.
you’re blog has been an incredible inspiration. i have adopted your mantra. Depression does lie. it reminds me to get help. to reach out to those people… who sadly are fewer than i’d like, that understand. Depression lies. there is hope. there is change. there are things to enjoy and look forward to… and I do bring value to this world.
thank you. thank you for putting this out there. this is a place where I don’t feel shame.!!!! I love you.
Thanks for posting this information. A bit after my husband deployed, I’ve been diagnosed with depression. I’m still looking for that something to push me through my days. But thanks to this blog, I have learned that depression is a lie and all the crazy thoughts I have are not really me. Once again thanks for this info and for making me feel like I’m not alone.
Too many lies. Sometimes people are blinded by the light disguised as a way out. My Uncle took that route. It broke our hearts. I remember that pain and I could never inflict that upon someone, no matter my own. That, and my precious children, keep the lies from looking like true light. Soft hands on tired cheeks, butterfly kisses on my nose, sweet deep breathing at night. They wrap me up like a cotton wool and provide a soft landing spot and I am able to stand on my own two feet. I thank life and my decisions for being given my children and in turn having been given a newer and brighter life. My dedication to showing them how to be amazing and strong (a strength that secretly comes from them) is my strength when I am down. Love my Romeo and Persia. LLxx
I haven’t had a suicidal thought in years, but I went through a time where they were constant. I have depression and mild anxiety and I’m trying to get through this mist the best I can for my daughter who has special needs and I’m basically raising on my own. If something happened to me where I couldn’t keep functioning, she would suffer, and she needs someone to be her rock and that is me. I don’t want to risk missing out on the wonderful things she may achieve despite her disability.
Your honesty and candidness is awesome Jenny, don’t ever stop.
I’m literally here because of my sister. I have a theory that when you’re about to kill yourself, if you can’t snap yourself out of it with the thought of someone else, that’s it for you. I was filling the bathtub to drown myself when I realized my then sixteen year old sister would be the one to find me. I’s later realize it was my mother’s birthday.
It didn’t really occur to me to wonder why I’m STILL here… til just now… and I don’t honestly know. And now I’m a little bit worried.
I’ve been in bad places, like everyone else, but this song takes me to a good place every time. I’ve learned to never underestimate the power of friendship, music, familial guilt, or upbeat folk rock.
Thank you for sharing this…..1 year ago I lost a dearly loved friend to suicide. More importantly, his wife, children, brothers, and mom lost in irreplaceable piece of their hearts.
I am so glad you have the courage to share your struggles. You may never know how many lives you have saved, but God does! <3
I am here for my family–my mom, my sisters, my nephew. Without them, I would not be half of who I am now.
Thank you, Jenny, for getting your message out and showing me that I am not alone. I am here, because you gave me tools to use when I was scared.
You taught me Depression Lies. I am here, because I now know, it lies.
With help of a therapist I realized I didn’t want to die. I wanted to be out of pain. Some days the pain is relentless and that thought gets foggy. I am adopting your mantra, depression lies.
Jenny –
One of my friends passed away April 3, 2012 from suicide. This hit me especially hard, because April 2, 2002 another friend committed suicide… and I’ll never forget these dates because my birthday is April 2… So unlike my classmates, these dates are always with me…
However, for my friend who recently passed… his family did an article in the Pittsburgh paper. They want to get the word out… I hope you will enjoy…
http://www.post-gazette.com/stories/local/obituaries/obituary-michael-clements-a-life-full-of-promise-cut-short-by-depression-632470/
Jenny, you have reached so many, hundreds, thousands, millions, gazillions? Your words heal all the tribes. Gracias
I’m very glad you’re still here
I just wanted to thank you for giving people who struggle with depression a place where they can remind themselves of all the reasons they fight to win the battle one more day. And if they can’t think of any reasons so many people have have shared their reasons for living. My son went thru a very bad time a few years ago and was suicidal. With medication, therapy, and lots of support he is doing much better but it’s been very difficult. I hope that I can give you all one more reason to be here. I don’t know how I would have gone on if we had lost my son. I would still be here but the joy and meaning in my life would be gone. I know there is someone in each of your lives that feels that way about you whether it be a parent, a sibling, or a friend. Remember that depression does lie. It says we’d be better off without you. I say we can’t imagine life without you. Much health and peace to all.
I’m here because I was sure, all those many years ago, that life really HAD to get better after high school, and I really wanted to see that it did. I was right.
Thank you for being here and making the world a bit more quirky, in a TARDIS blue kind of way.
It’s hard to pinpoint why, most of the time–but I do keep trudging through. Sometimes I’ll be out and I’ll see a really happy dog. I think that helps.
“Depression lies.” True. It lies like a James Bond villain. You’re immobilized on the slab, the laser is slowly cutting through the table, the sharks with machine gun turrets mounted on their heads are thrashing in the tank over which you’re suspended, and Dr. Oh-No-You-Ain’t is reveling in your helplessness and so bursting with overconfidence that he tells you every last detail of his diabolic plan to rule the world once you’re gone. And that’s his mistake. He’s trying too hard to convince you that there’s nothing you can do. And if he has to work that hard, it means that you’re anything BUT helpless.
I’m still here because I’m a people pleaser and I couldn’t bear to disappoint my dad. I remember how angry he was when I was a kid and one of my cousins killed himself. He wasn’t sad–well, he was–he was angry at my cousin for hurting his mom that way. That moment stuck in my head, and I coulnd’t make my dad mad a me the way he was at my cousin. I’m so very glad.
Jenny, you’re a gift to the world. You make my husband and I laugh every night before bed when we read a chapter in your book or a post on your blog.
I am still here because I know he would miss so many moments–like when we laugh together over silly things. I am still here because I know I would miss them, too..from wherever it is I would go when I went.
Sometimes, the only words that save me are my promise to him that I won’t hurt myself again.
Thank you for being you, Jenny. You remind me that it’s okay to be fucked up. In fact, most times, it’s preferred.
Thank you for speaking out. I know that your courage has saved lives
I’m very thankful that you’re so open about your depression. I’ve been dealing with it since I was a teenager, and been off and on medication/therapy to treat it. After my bout of infertility and miscarriages, I was at my lowest point. I keep going because… my son, and before that it was the hope of my son. Before that I think it was sheer obstinance… and maybe it still is.
I’m here today because 15 years ago, with the razor blade ready to go, I hesitated. I looked at myself in my bathroom mirror and asked myself what there was to live for, expecting the answer to confirm my choice. But it didn’t. I remembered sunsets and sun rises. I remembered walks through the woods and laying on the grass staring up at leaves swaying in a breeze. I remembered kittens and puppies and children playing.
I remembered all the beauty in the world, all the things that are really important, and I realized just how unimportant the bullshit was that I was about to kill myself over. I broke down crying. I got help. I told that dark place “fuck you.” And I never looked back.
When I get my refill of anti-depressants, it always runs through my mind that I could take them all at once. And that giving a depressed person access to such powerful drugs unattended is dumb.
What gets me through is my daughter. And dog. Loves of my life.
What words save me – from others: “Are you ok?” Always either forces me to answer honestly, or realise something’s amiss.
In my head: you know what, I haven’t got a mantra that helps. So I hug my daughter or dog. Only one of them minds sometimes (she’s a teenager, what can I say?), but they both do tolerate it.
Thank you Ms. Bloggess. xo
There are no specific words that get me through, but there are memories. The vision of my friends suicide, the look on his parents faces when they found out. Music is my main release. Indigo Girls “Ghost”, “Kid Fears”, and love will come to you. tom waits and the cure also help.
I’m still here because my best friend threatened to find a way to track me down in whatever afterlife there was and kick my butt. He made me realise that my depression was lying to me, that there were people – family and friends – who would notice if I was gone. Even more, they’d be devastated by the loss.
That and the anti-depressant I take every day. *wry*
It’s still hard some days. I get so tired of feeling second-best. But the good days outnumber the bad days, so I call it a win.
My friend kenyan
my friends in The UK. Who i have never met but talk online dayily
The blogges
I sometimes “get depressed” — that for-no-reason, undefinable “I feel crappy” feeling. I know I’m not anyone who is diagnosed with an actual illness, and I know from viewing my friends who actually ARE diagnosed and on medication that I really have no reason at all to “feel depressed.” But it happens, I think, to most of us. And you are an inspiration to me, certainly, that you brave this impossibly horrible problem and still manage to write something wonderful and fun and breathtakingly brilliant for a living, and you finished a book and got it published, and you put yourself out there and YOU ARE AWESOME.
I think my brother may have been clinically depressed, and I look back now and wish he HAD been diagnosed, and perhaps medicated — he chose self-medication, and was found dead of a heroin overdose after several months clean-and-sober. From that experience I know addiction is an illness, too, and perhaps an illness not unrelated to depression. He was 28 years old, and not a week goes by that I don’t think about what he might have been if he’d made it clean, and gotten support, and was still around today.
Thank you, Jenny, for all you do.
*hugs* *love* *hugs*
Ok, so you inspired me to write something about the subject..
http://elionwyr.livejournal.com/2457422.html
One of the songs that gets me through the tougher days is “Fearless” by VNV Nation. As their lead singer says, “There is only one purpose to the song, ‘Fearless’…Don’t be afraid.” So the words I sometimes hold onto are the chorus of this song.. “I am not alone, I am not afraid, I am not unhappy.”
It comes back every now and then. Your phrase “Depression lies” is spot on.
I got into that black place exactly twice. Hopefully I won’t ever go there again in this life time.
And cheesy and cliche as it is, my spirituality (pagan) is what got me to stay the first and second time that I went far enough down that just breathing felt like it was work.
I think that I keep going even when my depression comes back because there are so many things I still want to do, stories to write, and art to create. And the wondering about those things keeps me going.
I can’t bring myself to share my own story. I’m not even to a place where I feel like I belong in this world. But I just wanted to say, to you Jennie, that your candor on this subject has helped me. Even though I still struggle, I do believe that the more we talk about depression the more we can abolish it. The more we can change the dialogue from shame to acceptance, the more we can heal.
Love you <3
I am here because I know my children would never understand and would feel as if they weren’t good enough for me to stick around for. I actually researched this when I was at a low point a few months back and found lots of “survivor” groups where the children of suicides were miserable as adults even if their parent died when they were too young to remember him/her.
I just wish more people understood that suicidal thoughts don’t arise because I don’t have enough money (I don’t, but neither do most people), or that I don’t have a job or that I’m having a bad hair day. Whenever I talk about my depression to people, their responses are always, “but you have so many wonderful people and things in your life – why are you depressed?” And I want to scream at the top of my lungs, “I KNOW I DO. BUT I DON’T DESERVE ANY OF IT AND ALL OF THEM WOULD BE FAR BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME.” I don’t scream that, but maybe next time I will (though now that I’m finally on meds, I’m hoping there won’t be a lot of “next times”).
I’m here because no matter how lonely I feel, I am able to remind myself how me leaving would affect the people in my life. Imagining their heartbreak pushes me to try just one more day.
I’m here because I made a promise to my mom before she died that I would graduate college and make her proud of me.
The words that keep me here are that I’m not a quitter. I attempted suicide once and it was devastating to see my mom in so much pain, pain that I caused. I can’t bring myself to put anyone through that ever again. If it wasn’t for my wonderful mom I wouldn’t be here today. She loved me enough to give me her will to keep fighting.
The song that keeps me going is “Dare You To Move” by Switchfoot. I played that song constantly after my mom died and it became my anthem to find the strength to keep going.
I’m still here because of my cat. I got bullied so much I was very close to actually killing myself. I was about to end it when my cat walked up to me and meowed. She meowed every time I was ready to plunge a knife into my body. I gave up when she didn’t leave me alone. I have never tried to kill myself again and my mom finally pulled me out of school again.
My brother was Bi-Polar who self-medicated with alcohol and street drugs. That said, he was a functional member of society who held a job and provided for his family. He succeeded in killing himself on May 16th, 2006, after laying in a hospital bed for nearly two weeks as a vegetable. It was his fourth attempt. He knew he was going to do it, he called people before hand, he said goodbye. He called me and left a message to call him back. Then he hung himself. The paramedics got there, cut him down, and revived him, but never regained any higher brain function. He was a husband and a father of one very amazing teenage boy, and one daughter who wasn’t yet born when he died. The devastation he left on his children, on our Mother, on his wife, and on me, well, that’s not something I can do to my family. I live because he couldn’t. I live because my son never needs to go through this life alone or in that much pain and anguish. Sometimes that’s all it takes, because sometimes that’s all I have left. Depression does lie, and it will try to take everything meaningful, beautiful, and worthwhile in your life. Don’t let it. Fight like hell.
This is one of the hardest weeks for me. The anniversary of my close friends suicide is on Friday. My heart breaks all over again every year. I’ve been on the edge of this so many times and the pain I feel from his death saves me from my own. He is, and will always be my hero.
Wow-there r many responses so far. I am a 50 year old woman who has struggled with depression off and on for as long as I can remember.. Though I have 4 beautiful children, I overdosed in December on a bottle of Tylenol. I was lucky, since I had also consumed a lot of beer, my liver was so busy dealing with the alcohol that I didn’t do permanent damage to my liver. We have a family therapist and ate working hard to untangle years of dysfunctional living. But your question really gote thinking about what makes me choose to stay alive. I know it “should” be my kids, but I can’t even feel what it would be like for them. Ithe only person I could think of was my therapist who would be devastated as she has gone above and beyond to help our fiamily out. Btw- I adore your sense of humor, it is exactly mine too, only u rich funnier! Thank you for sharing your humor. I truly laughed so hard during your book that I had to remove myself from public.
I’m here because one night, instead of swallowing the pile of pills I had laid out on my desk, I called my mom, and she answered the phone. It was 4 a.m.
And in the years since, I’ve learned that there are big things and little things to look forward to. And so many questions about what comes After. Sometimes I just don’t know what would happen to my websites and Twitter account if I died, and I haven’t gotten around to planning that far ahead. And then I keep not getting around to that, and I keep waking up and finding more solid reasons to stick around. And sometimes I read blog posts about giant metal chickens and I remember that I would miss a whole lot if I left this crazy fucked up world before my time.
This thread is giving me ALL THE WEEPIES.
It’s been a really rough week. Seems like everything I love has died this year, and it’s hitting me really hard. I’m glad i’m not the only one that goes through feeling depressed, hopeless, and feels like giving up. I feel like i’m damaged goods. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone. So thank you.
I am still here because of my cats, and my friends and my family. I am here for crisp fall days.
I am here because I have a friend who is not, and I will not cause that sort of pain to the people I love.
Great and important post!
I lost one of my closest friends to suicide. I had no clue how bad things had gotten for her. Unlike a lot of women who attempt suicide, she gave no hint of being suicidal. In fact, she went out of her way to pretend that everything was going great. I truly think she didn’t want to leave us feeling any guilt at all.
Of course, that tactic didn’t work. Suicide is absolutely devastating to those left behind. And I can honestly say that the world is a much worse place without her in it. I KNOW she would have done amazing things with her life.
So, if you’re ever feeling suicidal. Don’t do it. Get help.
I am here because I wrote DEPRESSION LIES on my arms. At two am, I needed to see that, because I couldn’t remember by then.
I am here because the thought of never reading a book again terrifies me. It is only the tiny little things that I am clinging to right now.
I’m still here because we didn’t own a gun, and I’m afraid of knives. And then I got help.
I have so far survived a trip to the hospital courtesy of my massive chronic depression. I was only 16. I’ve kept myself from doing anything that terrible ever again because of my daughter and how badly I wanted to see her grow up.
I find it amusing and amazing that my birthday is Suicide Prevention Day.
I’m here because I REFUSE to be a victim. I have an aunt I never met and a cousin I didn’t know well/long enough because they both took their lives around 18/19 years of age. We share a super fun thing that I’m pretty sure neither one of them knew about…Bipolar Disorder. As far as I know, I’m the only one in my family to actually be diagnosed (it’s on my father’s side, and we don’t see them anymore), but there’s a whole lot of crazy and an adopted grandfather (who I never met either…heart attack) whose background we know nothing about. My mom has suffered through boughts of depression her whole life, and she planned to take her life 2 years ago, but after a week long stint in a psychiatric facility and meds that she continues to take, she still here.
Words that get me through:
Depression is a lying bastard.
You were happy before, you’ll be happy again.
Music is therapy for me (except for 45mins on Monday nights when I have “legitimate” therapy sessions with my psychologist), so there are a TON of songs, but in compiling a list I shortened it to pretty much anything by Coldplay or Snow Patrol (except Run, it’s beautiful but I get panic attacks almost every time I hear it because it reminds me of my grandfather’s death…the one I knew. He was my father figure and was pretty much full of amazing.), and Florence + The Machine’s
Shake It Out :
and Dog Days Are Over:
If I ever give up, the next day the aliens will come in peace, or cancer will be cured, or we will reach the singularity. And I would miss it.
And my books, and my cats, and my friends. May not have many friends, but quality makes up for quantity.
I’m here because I’ve learned that I matter. I still have days where I think the bad thoughts and where I count all the things that could make me be gone from this world, but I have more days where I know that I don’t need to do that. I’m here because I’ve learned that Depression Lies. I’m here because I’ve learned to be honest with my friends and my family about how I’m feeling, even if it scares them to hear about it because they need to know the truth. I’m here because I’m quite sure that my Mom wouldn’t put up with my cats’ crap (literally – though it’s crap from one cat and vomit from another), and well, because I’m growing a sense of (albeit morbid) humor.
I’m here because so many people have told me that I can’t leave. And I believe them. Most of the time. And I’ve learned to write love on my arms with a sharpie instead of writing things in places you can’t see with things that will cause me harm. And I’m learning that it’s okay for people to see that I draw on myself like a toddler with a brand new box of Crayola markers. but mine take a little longer to wash off.
And I have you to thank for that, Jenny. I’m not done learning, and I certainly have a long road to hoe (god I love that phrase), but because of you, I am learning. I know you can’t always read all the comments on posts like this, but I know you have people make sure you know about the good ones and the not so good ones and all the ones in between. And I hope this gets chalked up in the good column. <3
I’m still here out of… well, spite, mostly.
That and Chris Smither’s version of “Thanks to You.”
“Some day, up in glory
I’ll weep and I’ll tell my story
To someone, who will smile
And say ‘You’re a mess,
But you’re my child.'”
I have just sat and read all 400+ responses because I needed it. I have struggled with depression my entire life. Still looking for the right med to set my brain straight. I am here because, at age 13, just as I was about to leave for good, an ambulance drove by my house, sirens blaring, and I realized that the person in the back of the ambulance was having their life fought for, by complete strangers. I am here because God has entrusted me with two Miracles, two little dudes with special needs. They LOVE me with an unconditional love I never knew was possible, and my love for them is exactly the same. Because, as someone else said, I would never, ever be able to leave them here, alone. Because I would not be able to write a goodbye letter to them that would ever let them feel it was not their fault. I am here because the sun always come back. I am here because God created the ocean. I am here because He keeps his promises, and rainbows still shine through the storms. I am here because there is always, always something to be thankful for. I am here because of your depression lies video. I am here because I want to hold my children’s children in my arms one day. I am here because I may be the reason someone else is here. I am here because Margaret Cho makes me laugh and cry. I am here because of Bob Marley, The Smiths and so many other musicians have spoken to me through their lyrics. I am here because Autumn is just around the corner. I am here because I am supposed to be.
My brother committed suicide nearly 20 years ago. He was 19 and I was in my twenties living in Taiwan when I got the call. I was diagnosed with depression a year afterwards by my doctor in France because I was in a near-catatonic state. I really had no idea I was depressed – I just thought life was really like that. (I had also been hit by a car two years prior with serious head injuries).
So I’ve been on medication since then, all these years. I want to try this therapy called EMDR, which uses light flashes in the retina to change the neurological pathways to try to think differently. Have you heard of it? I suppose it sounds like a crock but I know people who’ve had success. My first appointment is today and I wonder if I’ll be able to go off medication. I’m not entirely sure I want to since I function so well with it.
After Mark died, a couple of miracles led to me becoming a Christian and I was finally able to process his death. I suffered a lot thinking I should have been there to help him – the hole he left in our lives was catastrophic. Anyway, here I am 20 years later living a happy life (despite the depression) with my husband and 3 kids here in France. It’s just not worth it to end things early. There are always hopeful and beautiful things in store.
So let me put different thoughts in your head – different triggers: truth, nobility, just, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy, hope. 🙂 Hugs
Most days, I really don’t know why I’m here. Sometimes life seems so incredibly hopeless in my heart even when my mind knows it’s not. And things have been getting worse lately. So thank you, for reminding me that I’m not alone.
I consider myself beyond blessed that I have never suffered from this kind of depression–the depression that lies…my very occasional depression is more of the “I know exactly why I’m feeling sad today and I know that tomorrow will be better” variety. My heart breaks reading these stories and knowing that there are so many who feel so sad, maybe all the time, and without any apparent reason.
Jenny, I hope you know how much impact your honesty does and will continue to have on the lives of those that suffer and feel alone. I have a feeling that maybe just one person who reads your post and all of the following thoughtful, lovely, heart-breaking, and hopeful comments will make a decision to keep on living and fighting the good fight, and that this little online community may have just prevented another meaningless and tragic death.
Don’t put on a brave face and pretend your life is a okay with your friends.
I will always wonder what would have happened with my friend who killed herself.
She left a suicide note that she felt everyone around her was so happy and beautiful and successful.
I understand that she was probably far gone, but I will always wonder what would’ve happened if I had shared a lot of horrible crap I was going through just before she killed herself.
I suffer from panic attacks, but somehow Ive come to place where I just breathe and don’t care about perfection anymore.
I think one key to overcoming the urge to suicide if to be just face the fact that you are going to die some day, so you might as well just deal with the temporary hell here on earth.
I think my friend’s pain and stress and embarrassment was suffocating her and I can understand (almost) the need to just release / stop the pain of it all.
But again, don’t care about perfection, don’t care about acceptance, just do everything you can to simplify your life, find that inner quiet voice and just keeping on going.
PAX
Oh and she would have LOVED your blog to pieces. She had your style of wit.
When I was 17, I tried to commit suicide. Chance, fate, God… whatever… got in the way. I occasionally think about it and realize I would have never met my husband, gotten married (gay married! Yeah, Massachusetts!), traveled, met my best friend…. so much, so very much would just not have happened. When those thoughts come crashing back, I make a list of all the things that I am so glad have happened since and try to remember that more of those things will be in my future if I just remember, as you say, depression lies.
Thanks, Jen, for being a voice for a lot of us that don’t have your courage or your sense of humor. Love ya.
Hi. I tried to kill myself several times. But, I am still here because I have a guy who loves me along with my scars. Whenever I can’t deal- I talk to him and he makes it better. When he’s low- I try to bring him out of the depression pit. Bit by bit our times spent in the depression hole are decreasing. We’re winning this battle together. He keeps me alive because whenever I think about dying or getting out my knife- I think- what of him? And I realize I can’t cause him that much pain. Besides, death would be lonely…
He loves me. I can barely understand that. He loves me and I actually want to see what the future will be like with him. Love. That’s why we keep breathing.
I am here because Neil Gaiman exists and is writing another Doctor Who episode.
I am here because Amanda Fucking Palmer writes songs like that.
I am here because I want to see Richard Armitage as a dwarf in The Hobbit.
I am here because of The Boss and The Gaslight Anthem.
I am here because of Power ballads.
I am here because Ingrid Michaelson just gets it.
I am here because Baby carried a watermelon and Westley said “As You Wish”; because Colin Firth is the only Mr. Darcy and David Tennant is MY Doctor.
I am here because of drunken nights dancing with some great friends.
I am here because of walking on a sunny day with my dogs
I am here because of books; I am here because of all the books I have read and all the books I want to read. ( this probably should have gone first)
I am here because I want to live in Stockholm and London and Paris.
I am here because in my despair I stumbled across this poem by Andrea Gibson and I managed to hang on for just another minute and the next and the next until I remembered all the other reasons I am here
http://anouk79.tumblr.com/post/24596702256/unpochoclodemas-the-nutritionist-said-i-should
There is still such stigma attached to depression and the everyday person often feels too much shame to come out and talk about it.
Thanks to people like you and Wil Wheaton, I believe things are improving and those that suffer are finally allowed a voice.
My depression is, thank god, intermittent. When it’s bad, it’s really bad. I do have the suicidal thoughts, but as we had a suicide in the family before I was born, I know the effect it had on my family and I could never do that to them. That’s what keeps me from going under.
This week I had a breakthrough and finally spoke about my depression and the trauma that led to it. It’s scary, petrifying actually, and terrible, but it’s also freeing. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so unencumbered in my life. Like Wil Wheaton’s post – it’s not so loud anymore.
And when I really, really down. I buy flowers. They cheer me up. And wine. Wine is good.
Jenny, thank you for fighting to stay here with us, and thank you for sharing your fight with us so we can share it. So many people can empathize, and sympathize, and now know a place they can come to both the same. This amazing community has built up around you, and it’s beautiful and comforting and filled with hope.
I read this post early this morning, and I was deeply touched by it and what was being expressed in the comments. But it suddenly became much more meaningful when I got a phone call this afternoon, and was told a friend had taken her life the day before.
I have spent the night grieving with friends. There were tears, and hugs, and more than a few bottles of booze. But there was also some laughter and there was a whole lot of love. I think through her pain she knew all that was there for her. I think in the end the lies became too loud for her to hear the love. We weren’t very close, but she was very young and very sweet I feel her loss deeply. I have had deep, dark struggles with depression myself. I keep wishing I had examined her a little more closely, as if suffering through similar experiences gave me the magic powers to know how desperate she was inside. I have this feeling like if I had a chance I could have given her just a little bit of whatever saved me. I know it doesn’t work that way, but I wish it anyway.
I am passing on the message you have posted here today. Perhaps if we can get enough people to say “Depression lies” enough times, the right people will believe it at just the right time.
Thank you, for giving us the words to fight this battle.
When I tell people that I am depressed, sometimes they argue with me. It’s because I am very high-functioning. I put on a functional grown-up adult face and go to work every day and am productive and cheerful.
Then I go home to my house where I haven’t done laundry or dishes for a month and I cry and stare at the walls until it’s time to go back to work again.
But I try and be open about it and tweet about it, talk about it whenever I can. Because it feels like every second person (the ones that don’t tell me I’m not depressed) I talk to takes me aside and says “OH GOD ME TOO I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE”.
The poem “The Nutritionist” by Andrea Gibson is incredible. It makes me cry every time and hurts in that good way. Tumblr link to include transcript: http://apparentle.tumblr.com/post/28827407955/mindovermatterzine-trigger-warning-discussion
I just want to include all of the lyrics to this poem. Because… this. This poem you guys. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
I have put together a spotify playlist of songs that remind me that I’m not the only one: http://open.spotify.com/user/1238793397/playlist/2riAlHD6ArmndLyWDn3ajJ
I hope you like it.
I’m here because I’m too bloody-minded and contrary to let the depression win.
And I’m also here because, after 40 years of fighting this on and off, I found a doctor who actually listens to me. I’m on medication that is actually working, and although there are still bad days, for the most part I’m glad that I’m alive. I can’t remember ever feeling that before, and it’s kind of overwhelming. I catch myself walking round smiling because FUCK YES, I AM exactly the person that I want to be!
I´m still here because the people I love and trust asure me this isn´t how it´s suppose to be.
That I´m not as unworthy of them as I think and that it´s a disease I can fight and most importantly that it´s a fight I can win.
Could you have ever imagined 5 years ago the impact you could have with a post like this? *hug* Those are the kinds of thoughts that keep me going. We are so very good fo each other when we open up and talk about our real stuff. Thank you.
Thank you for bringing attention to this! For those of us dealing with depression and mental illness either ourselves or in our families (for me it is both), this is always a possibility and it absolutely scares the crap out of me…how many times in the past either myself or someone I love has thought about this, nearly acted on it….
We will keep fighting!
‘Shake It Out’ – Florence and the Machine.
It’s my anthem, my fight song. Some days I listen to it five times in a row, but I make it through the day.
Ah, I didn’t know this was coming up 🙁
It’s excruciating timing – a friend of mine recently jumped under a train. No-one saw it coming (why is it so hard to see?) and we actually held his funeral on the tenth.
I hope this kind of support can keep more people from doing what he did – it’s getting better, but I just wish there were more resources available for people at the breaking point.
Thank you for continuing to spread the message that it’s ok to ask for help, the more people hear it, the better.
Hugs to everyone 🙂
I’m here because I’m a fighter. I will not let this disease beat me. I wil win.
I’m here because I have a 7 year old daughter who is my life.
I’m here because I know what suicide can do to a family. All those you leave behind suffer immeasurably. I can’t do that to my husband, mom, dad, family and friends.
I’m here because (THANK GOD) antidepressants work for me.
DEPRESSION LIES.
I’m here because it would not make my Tiger’s life better if I were gone. She lost each of her parents to cancer, and was afraid to be in love with me because she feared I would leave.
I’ve been in and out of depressions since I was eleven or so, so that’s about forty years.
When I look at politics, or science, or economics, I feel a deep pit of despair.
I don’t know what to do, and I don’t know how to get to where I need to be, but I keep on breathing.
Brave and honest, as always.
I’m here because I still don’t even know who I am yet (or who I want to be when I grow up, ignoring the fact I’m 34.)
I’m here because the journey is more important than the destination.
I’m here because we finally figured out my B12 levels are part of the problem and have them back to where they should be.
I’m also here because of a too dull knife.
Like you say, depression is a lying bastard. You have to just keep on going.
Hi Jenny and internet,
For three years I’ve lived in New York City and they have been the most dark and isolated years of my life. I don’t have children or a boyfriend to miss me… yet. Thoughts of my parents, brother, and close friends helped… but what really kept me from walking over the edge of a subway platform was music. Music helped me fight. I would listen to as many new songs as I could, skipping around gendres. My head was a record player and depression was skipping loop that kept playing the same thing again and again. I banged my head to different songs ’til it jumped the groove.
Florence + The Machine – Shake It Out http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WbN0nX61rIs
I’m here, because I remember the pain in my mom’s eyes when she got called to the ER in the middle of the night. She loves me.
I’m here, because I have a sister who is in the same boat, and I’ll be damned if I make it easier for her to give up.
I’m here because I’m competitive with myself.
I’m here because I hope the days will eventually get better.
Depression lies. It seems so simple, but it’s so true. And so easy to forget.
Nothing in comparison to a lot of people’s stuff but last year I was somewhat depressed and I saw this picture, or one like it, http://www.ravingravens.com/.a/6a0133ecdf372a970b013485a2b49a970c-800wi of Petra in Jordan and somehow, through some weird little piece of magic it made me feel a bit better. I thought: one of the things worth living for is that the fact that there are things that beautiful, that breathtaking, in the world and I need to go and see them and experience them.
I’m still here because I want to be able to give my daughter the happiest, healthiest life that I possibly can. She deserves every opportunity and I don’t trust anyone else to do that for her.
I am here because I was found in time. My kids keep me fighting now. Some days suck, but my kids need me here.
You are wonderful and amazing and I can’t find my thesaurus but if I could, this comment would be much longer. Thank you for all the just-right things you probably never even knew you were saying. Depression IS a lying, sneaky, mind-f**ker. Preach, sister.
p.s. It’s NOT a “stupid” trigger, but I know it seems bizarre; I’m in the same shitty boat sometimes… And it must be a big damn boat, because there’s a hell of a lot of people in there. Actually, maybe it’s not such a shitty boat after all. In fact, it’s probably more of yacht. And look at the types of folks who are on board: this is CERTAINLY a Party Yacht. A Depression Party Yacht. Aaaand now you’re thinking about something else. Like “shots, anyone?” or “Let’s flash the poor schmucks on shore!” or “What’s with the guy in the gorilla suit?” or “More shots, anyone?”
I’m here because when I’m feeling alone, there is a tiny voice that reminds me that I’m not. Thank you for being the big voice for many of us who deal with mental illness.
Libby Lu
You know this blog has saved my life a few times — I tried to find your email to tell you Thank you — but now I am going to say Thank you again!
And remember that odd and unhappy women have survived and, more than that, created and contributed.
Speaking of which, out in the blogosphere there is a newly discovered photograph that we are pretty sure is of Emily Dickinson.
I’m here because I know that, like you said, depression lies, and my children and husband are worth more than any lies in my head.
I’m here because I’m loved despite myself.
The words that help me make it through are “Life is hard. God is good.” (My Aunt, who passed away from brain cancer, marked her entire Bible up with the initials LH and GG – indicating these phrases).
One of the songs that has helped save me is this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Z7Mjc78LdU Hang in there with it through to the end (at about 3:00 there’s a shift). It reminds me that, while happiness is entirely based on circumstance – joy is most certainly not.
I recently came across pro-suicide websites… I had NO IDEA these existed (yes, I’m naive). When I went to one of the sites, my fingers, toes, and ears started burning, which only happens if I think I’m in danger. Which, to be honest, I kinda was. I try to remember that depression lies, but I agree so much with my depression that it’s difficult to remember. I feel like I am way too flawed to be loved by anyone who isn’t family and therefore kinda obligated to love me. And yes, I know flaws make us unique.. but these aren’t cutesy “oh how quirky is she?!” flaws but.. ugly flaws. I suppose what keeps my head above water is knowing that my parents would be devastated… and my two kitties would be alone for days and then sent to a shelter.
thank you.
This song has been a definite favorite lately.
My Mom suffered from depression greatly when I was growing up. It was a time when they just told you to get over yourself and get happy. Today we are lucky to have real treatments and real awareness. Thank you for your post!
I’m here because of medication, my kids, and the absolute waste I sense when I think of friends who’ve killed themselves.
The words that help are “Depression is a lying bitch. It will get better.”
I can’t think of a song now but I know I will remember it and I’ll post it then.
Oh, I really feel for you, I’ve suffered from chronic depression and anxiety in the past, loved your “Depression lies” quote.You’ll soon be on your feet again making us laugh with your blogs!!
Oh, I love comments #11 and #54.
I’m here because when I was young I so often thought I just couldn’t take one more day, but I hung on anyway, many times by my fingernails. I got help from professionals who talked me through it.
I got help.
Also, I once showed up at the home of an equally-depressed friend and said, “I know everyone tells you how to hang on, but nobody tells you why. Why is it worth it? What’s the point?” and she responded instantly, “To rent videos.”
Now I have a beloved husband, a beloved child, a home I love, a job I love—everything I thought then that I would never have.
And I remember that if I’d ended it, I’d never have lived to see what the future held for me.
I here because suicide I the single most selfish thing a person can do. I’m here because I’ve known me brain was lying since I was 12 years old. I’m here because the lying bastard isn’t allowed to win. I’m here because I’ve got too much life to live. Thank you Jenny. No one has ever put into words what depression is really like. Thank you for everything.
I saw this recently and it reminded me of you, Jenny:
“At any given moment you have the power to say this is not how the story is going to end.”
I’m here because of the amazing powers of the Internet. Because of a silly little online game I played, I was able to open up to some strangers who now are best friends. Being able to talk and share is a wonderful thing. Thanks for opening your world to us
This is one of my go to songs when I am down. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hPC2Fp7IT7o
I have struggled since high school, but it wasn’t until after a failed attempt of suicide, and the births of my beautiful children that I was able to face the truth, speak up, and get help. Just speaking about it to one person took a huge load off of my chest. I still have horrible mood swings at times, I still want to stay in bed for a week at a time when it is bad, but I don’t allow myself to consider giving in anymore. My kids need me- they need to see me as a strong role model and not a weak person who couldn’t climb out of a hole. I may hate that I am on meds- but I know that they help me function- they help me be a good mom to my kids.
To be honest, there are days that my children make me very crazy. I love them to death and try to be patient but I get overwhelmed. Then, I look at them and feel full of love and work with the crisis at hand.
I’ve been wanting to let you know this for a while but never got the nerve/time/right words so I’ll just try it and bear with me if its makes no sense.
I’ve been dealing with bipolar II/depression/anxiety for decades. It’s mostly under control now, but like any one suffering with mental illness, there are good days and bad days and really bad days. Its those really bad days that I find myself on the couch whispering to myself “depression is a fucking liar and I’m going to get through this”. I’m lucky to have the support system that I do, family, doctor and close friends who know whats happening.
Last year, my eight year old son started self harming when he was anxious or mad at himself. With the help of his pediatrician, neuropsychologist and counselors, he’s getting the help he needs to find other ways to deal with his anxiety disorder. I want him to grow up knowing that there’s help, he’s not alone, and that this isn’t something to be ashamed of. Because of him I’ve been very open about my mental illness in this last 6 months. I dont want him to feel the shame that I used to feel, hiding this from public and trying to function.
Your willingness to be so soulfully honest about what you’re going through has contributed hugely in my “coming out”. Knowing that I wasn’t a freak and that there are other people out there trying to make it through the pain helped so much.
A heartfelt Thank You to you, your followers, and commenters for being willing to speak up and not hide.
You guys are awesome!
I am a survivor of childhood sexual assault, but the surviving part was touch-and-go there for awhile.
I have my (now) husband to thank for pushing me to open up and go to therapy, and for putting up with my shit loads of crazy during the healing process.
I have my adopted son to thank for providing me a little learning sponge of love and goodness with which to pour all MY love and hope and care and lessons into. Helping him discover how to become a good and compassionate human before he is let loose on the world gives me hope. Watching him enjoy his childhood has helped me finally experience and live mine, the way it was meant to be.
xo,
GF
I had you sign my book with “Depression Lies”, because I know that if YOUR depression is telling you that you aren’t making a difference by being alive, then I KNOW that its a big old fatty fatso liar. If your’s is lying then mine must be too. It also reminds me that Depression is its own entity and is NOT me.
I just tweeted you a link to a girl that went missing Sunday who may be in this kind of trouble. Please RT if you can. You could reach a lot more people than me.
THANK YOU. I am in almost in tears because of your support.
I experienced my first suicidal depression at thirteen. I’m still in the midst of currently coping with a suicidal depression last over a year. Yes I’m on meds, going to therapy, and have a support network and yet…the last week hit me hard and today especially as I was downtown on 9/11. It completely changed my life and I’m still processing how that event transformed me.
I wrote a whole blog post answering why I’m here because there are so many reasons. But even so, today it’s a struggle just to make it to tomorrow.
But I am still here. I’m here because of my crazy fatass cat who would have to go live with my mother if I wasn’t here. Not only would she hate that but she would miss me and no one would be able to explain why I wasn’t there to her.
I’m here because when I did say I was suicidal my friends and family got me the help I needed.
I’m here because of a thousand tiny kind acts from friends as well as strangers reminded me there is still surprise and wonder in the world. And that I have to stay here to repay that kindness.
I’m here because I’m lucky. Because I’ve done things that should have killed me but didn’t.
And I’m here because my favorite prof killed himself the year after I graduated. When I cried at his funeral it wasn’t because I was sad for me, I was sad for all the students who wouldn’t realize what they missed by nit having him in their lives. As a prof myself, I couldn’t do that to my future students.
Just found out a colleague committed suicide today. We are so sad and shocked. Of course, everyone’s comment – “but he was doing so well!” Depression lies to everyone.
Hi Jenny, I just wanted to let you know that your post (and Wil Wheaton’s follow-up post on his blog,) finally moved me to put electronic pen-to-paper (so to speak) and get my long-stirring thoughts on Depression out.
http://www.facebook.com/ehurtley/posts/284911541611105
Thank you for sharing, and know that we are here for you.
My 5 year old son saves me every day, too. I don’t think I’d be here now if it weren’t for him.
Thank you for combatting the stigma of suicide and depression. You are inspiring me to do the same.
Thank you for introducing me to Amanda Palmer and her music. Like you, she is brilliant and poetic.
When I was a teenager what kept me from doing more than I did was fear that my brother or sister would do the same, or worse, have no one to stand between them and our parents. I just kept telling myself that one day I would be an adult and everything would change. Now I am better, but I do think about those days and hope that others realize that things really do get better. With time, help, medication, and therapy you can have a whole new life.
I personally don’t suffer from depression, but I have family members with OCD, so I know mental illness. Jenny, you are amazing and I’m glad you choose life every day. Your sense of humor cracks me up and provides comic relief daily. I can’t listen to Beyonce without picturing a big metal chicken! So keep on keepin on girl!
I often think of the poem, Resume, by Dorothy Parker
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
That last line sticks with me and for some reason, it helps.
I am FLOORED.
I’ve admired Amanda Palmer for years; her determination to be honest in all her work inspires me every single day, and even informed my grad school thesis, and to be honest with my own Bipolar diagnosis.
So the fact that she makes you feel as ‘less alone in this’ as she makes me feel, speaks volumes.
I am now an officially devoted fan of you and your sincerity.
Thank you for this.
A thousand times, thank you for this.
I’m here because one day, 10 years ago, my sister informed me that my life was not mine…it belonged to those that love me. I’m here because of them.
Talking, writing, thinking? All make me have suicidal thoughts. And then I cry. While listening to really sad music. And then I do searches for depression and suicide. Or maybe I find a movie that deals with both. And while I’m watching the movie I feel less suicidal, but think maybe I should watch another movie, and then I go walk one of the dogs.
Until next time.
OMG, how have I never heard that AFP song?!?!?! So inspiring. Life is tough right now, this helped. Thanks. :]
Your words, or The Words: “Depression Lies”, I think have probably saved my life, and possibly the lives of the people most precious to me, many times. It is a seriously, horribly, screwed up type of world when we have to remind ourselves that our brains and our feelings are lying to us. I live next to a bridge, the Taos Gorge, that claims the lives of probably 3-5 suicides a year, and at least once a year I’ve thought about that bridge as a way to end my life, as a way to end my family’s struggles with me. And then, almost without fail, I run across a post like this, that reminds me that depression lies and my thoughts are lying and my family probably needs me – even if I don’t feel like it all the time. Thank you for the honesty of your posts – sometimes it feels like those posts have helped to save my life as well.
If I had known how much life was going to hurt I would have given up a long time ago. I’ve found hope a little at a time, but have my own blog about it because it is FREAKING HARD.
http://www.brokensaints.wordpress.com
HEY KERI… Depression was all I knew until I was about 27; I had the same reaction to the whole “permanent solution to a temporary problem thing” because, like you, depression had been my permanent state for my whole life. For about 10 years, I had been fighting like hell and doing all the stuff I was “supposed” to do even though I kind of thought it was mostly bullshit and platitudes: therapy, reading a lot, a plethora of meds, finding my version of spirituality, yoga, Al-Anon, therapy again, taking better physical care of myself, meditation, listening to lots of music, more therapy, more meds…you get the picture. I did everything you’re supposed to do to deal with depression and sometimes it would sort of work for a couple of weeks or months and at least I wouldn’t feel horrible. But I kept thinking: Is this it? Is this state of “not horrible” what I’m working so hard for?
Then all of a sudden, all the years of fighting and effort just caught up to me and STARTED ACTUALLY WORKING. I experienced actual joy and prolonged contentment in my life for the first time and now, at 31 years old, I can honestly sat that content and satisfied is my default state of being. Sometimes I feel awesome and sometimes I feel sad, but even when I’m stressed or sad that’s exactly what I usually feel: stressed or sad and NOT unbearably overwhelmed or depressed. Now depression truly is the temporary and increasingly rare state for me.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say, is that the platitudes come from a real place and aren’t total bullshit and people aren’t just blowing smoke up your ass. As completely ridiculous as it might sound now- as much as it might seem like everything you’re trying is useless- at some point you will reach critical mass where all the work you’ve done and/or the right drug cocktail will come along and smack you up side the head and you’ll realize it was worth it. And you owe it to YOURSELF to get to that point! It’s only fair that you get the reward for the years of crap that you’ve dealt with! And, for me at least, the occasional bout of depression is so much easier to deal with once I got a taste of what life is like when I actually enjoy it, because now I know what I’m fighting for.
Anyhow back to the original focus of the post…
I’m still here because: 14 year ago I couldn’t promise my mom that I’d never try to commit suicide again, but I loved her more than myself, so I agreed to try therapy etc. for 5 years (which seemed like an unrealistically long period of suffering to agree to) but now I stick around because I want to.
The words that help me through are: I am strong enough to get through this.
The music that saved me is the whole All That You Can’t Leave Behind album by U2, but especially the song Grace: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TvHrzQJ0NE
I’m still here because some old friends saved my life, I have the scars to show for it. I see my scars every day and they remind me that someone stepped up and told me “you need help”, so I honor that by getting help whenever I need it.
I want to thank everyone for sharing. As I have gotten older and shared more of myself, I have heard amazing stories of strength in the face of depression/anxiety. Knowing that I am not alone keeps me alive.
This post and the comments are amazing.
Tomorrow in Australia it’s R U OK day, which is about connecting with people and encouraging open communication about mental health issues and suicide. http://www.ruokday.com/
AFP, yay!
Because of my family, Maria Bamford, and Zen guy Brad Warner.
(Anti-suicide piece):
http://hardcorezen.blogspot.jp/2011/08/life-is-ugly-so-why-not-kill-yourself.html
I haven’t been truly suicidal in over 2 years but I have my moments. Yesterday I held my dear friend in my arms at her ex-husband’s funeral as she sobbed and sobbed. And I had to watch as his current wife accepted a folded American flag at Fort Snelling. He committed suicide. Though this was the hardest experience I think I have ever had to be apart of, I know I will NEVER take my own life and I am going to make it my mission to save others. Life is too precious. There is always another day.
I heart you and your amazing funniness that turns my day around. But its days like today, that I appreciate you sharing the not-funniness. I don’t want to go into details + history, but I’ll just say that I repeated to myself your two-word mantra last night. I won’t lie: I kind of even hate that mantra, bc it brings home that I my daughter may have to be an only child bc — as my ob/gyn pointed out (who had recognized this in me first) — meds and pregnancy (well, the fetus) don’t mix. But that is another convo for another day — and I just wanted to say think you, for helping me get out of bed and up and moving. One foot in front of the other, right? Hugs, and oh how I wish I hadn’t missed your Austin stop!
Thank you so much for having the guts to share and be vulnerable in your posts. You give others courage. Loved the song! Thanks for discovering that for me!
A couple of months ago I was in the hospital on Suicide watch. The world I lived in was dark and lonely. I wasn’t allowed to use my kindle, so I asked my roommate to bring me in a book, the only paper book I own. This book contained many humorous anecdotes about a young girl growing up in Texas, how she grew up with depression and anxiety, and how she copes with it today. This book made me smile for the first time in what seemed like years, and it helped me get through a really tough time in my life.
Thank you, Jenny. You literally saved my life.
Guys who talk about their feelings aren’t usually the popular guys. But like you, my munchkin is why I’m still here. Plus, for some reason, I always feel like something amazing or horrific is about to happen and either way, I don’t want to miss it. So, at least for another day, I’ve decided not to off myself despite my sometimes overwhelming self loathing. http://beingsmokey.blogspot.com/2012/09/the-munchkin-in-wild.html
i’m still here because i would never ever hurt my parents that way.
and also, there’s a lot i am curious about and want to learn.
When I was in my last really horrible black cloud, I had just brought my cat back to live with me after several months at my parent’s house. Maggie was a disaster; she was so stressed out from the move and my housemate’s dog that she’d licked holes in her fur and left wet, bloody spots on the bedspread and floor. She would lick constantly, night and day, and I couldn’t sleep without earplugs and fans because the sound of her licking was so infuriating. I threw things at her. I yelled at her. And because I was too depressed to leave my room, we spent a lot of time being miserable together.
At my lowest point, I considered dying to relieve my pain. I looked at Maggie and thought, “No one will take you in, you mangy thing. No one will love you like I love you.” My deepest, darkest secret is that I decided that she would have to go first.
And the thing that snapped me back was her collar. A shiny black pleather collar made by the brand “Safe Cat.” Those words caught in my throat and I stared at her for longer than she was comfortable with. She was not safe with me. -I- was not safe with me. Thinking about her dying for my problems was sickening, and the fact that I hadn’t considered my life as being equally as important as hers was terrifying.
So, that. My cat. My cat saved my life, and now I will go sew appliques on my denim jumpers and learn to macrame.
My children save me every day too. Depression doesn’t just lie, it invites shame which is the most vile and dangerous emotion. It tells you to hide — from your family, your friends, God, your passions. It keeps whispering everyone will hate you if they know. I am coming out of a very serious depressive period, and shame kept me there. Once I was able to let that go (or as much as I can) and connect with community and know I am loved the process becomes so much better. Thank you for taking the shame out of mental illness and imperfection for so many of us.
something also worth a read
http://thechrisgethardshow.tumblr.com/post/31345619495/for-gethard-anonymous-asks-gethard-i-know-youve
Oh, you guys—my husband just sent me a link to ZeFrank (because he was talking about books). I had never heard of ZeFrank before, but I had to keep watching until I found this: Self-Soothing.
There’s a really cool coupon at the very end that I think we probably all need.
Still here. On approx. week 4 of the deepest darkness but fighting it every day. What a pain in the ass.
I have no choice but to stay.
Thank you Jenny. Thank you for sharing yourself with us.
My kids are what keeps me from killing myself. Anytime I get that urge, I think of how bad it would be for them to grow up never really knowing their mom. How they would never get that motherly love that only a mom can give them. I don’t kill myself because if I did I would be greatly increasing the risk of one or all of my 3 kids doing the same. While i could take my life, I could never take the life of my children and my death at my hands would do it for them.
Firat, I’d like to say that I truly love you. I know that I don’t know you, but your words, and all they represent, move me in so many ways.
What saves my life is medication. Simple as that. When I’m at my lowest, my emotions are so warped that I truly believe that my loved ones would be better off without me. I am like an insulin-dependent diabetic – I have a chemical imbalance that requires life-saving medication on a daily basis. It just sucks that I finally figured that out when I was in my 40s. I’ve made amends to my husband and children, but I certainly wish I’d been a better wife and mother. Mental illness affects so many people in so many different ways. There is help! It’s up to us to spread the word! Good on you, Bloggess!
Thank you for posting this.
Honestly, what gets me through is how others would feel if I just dropped out, how it would affect my family, friends, etc. Trust me, that hasn’t always been the thing to keep me from it all, but it usually is a pretty good deterrent. And, if it was a catalyst, well, that was a huge push towards cutting those people OUT of my life. Another thing is, well, I ahte to miss the end. You know, the REAL end. I mean, wouldn’t it be way better to get kidnapped and tried for food crimes by Racoons rather than hanging yourself from the punch bag in the barn? Just saying….
YOU! My kids. My husband. My sense of humor.
The fact that I’m determined to beat the living hell out of my depression <— so much meaning in that statement!
Amanda Palmer is one of my favorite musicians in the world, what a great message. <3
I sometimes write letters to my depression. They start with “dear lying bastard.” by the time I near the end I am usually raging-how he will never get the best of me no matter how hard he tries. Feeling like I am in a fight against a cruel bully makes me feel more empowered that just trying to deal with an affliction. So from all of us to the lying bastard…I will not believe your lies! No matter how loud you shout I will always scream louder. No matter how many times you knock me down I will always get up. No matter how many times you try to bind me in shame I will always break free. And if I can’t then I will yell for help. You will never beat me because I will never give up. I will do whatever it takes to stop you from winning. Try as you may you will not break me. I may sometimes bend under the weight of your evil, but I will NEVER break. NEVER!!! So fuck you, my lying bastard. Fuck you for lying to me all these years. Fuck you for being so cruel. Fuck you for kicking me when I am down. FUCK YOU DEPRESSION!
Y’know? Honestly? I don’t know that it really does get better. The past couple of years have been a nightmarish WTF moment culminating in my husband asking me for a divorce.
But you know what? There’s no WAY I’d commit suicide.
Because to whoever put all this shit in my lap – FUCK YOU, if this is my one ride on the carousel, I’m not getting off until it stops, and you and all your bullshit can’t make me. I’m already here, I’m already on my stupid little horse, I might as well enjoy it as much as I can, and NO you can’t ride it, it’s MY horse, and fuck you, that’s why not.
It’s like being on a bad vacation. At a certain point, you say “You know what? This vacation SUCKS. Fuck this, I’m just gonna go to the pool bar and drink myself into oblivion.” It’s almost a relief, because you don’t have to try and pretend what an awesome time you’re having anymore. It is what it is, it’s not like you can just pack up and head home, your flight’s not till Tuesday, so what the fuck. Just deal with it.
And frequently, once you relax and accept that it kinda sucks, you usually find a fellow funny disappointed person to commiserate with at the bar, or something totally unexpected that makes you happy, like the hotel uses really awesome shampoo, or your maid tried to make you towel-gami and you can’t, for the life of you, figure out what this crumpled up towel is suposed to be. (“Is it a goat? Bull? Dog? Bulldog? What am I looking at here? How many legs does this even have? Is that a tail or a penis? And why is this bottle empty?”)
This is where I echo other folks who’ve mentioned P!nk’s “Fucking Perfect” as a song that helps with depression. I’ve also found that the Disney movie Enchanted can help pick me up when I’m feeling down.
Depression lies, and it sucks the life out of you. It’s unbelievable how many of my favorite people share in this horrible experience of being depressed. I guess this is the one party with the cool kids I wish I wasn’t invited to?
Seeing”Depression lies” written here… it was like a slap in the face – a waking one. It’s something I always knew, deep down, but couldn’t define, and something I forgot every time the depression came back with its lies. I’ll try to remember it – consciously – now and not believe it when it starts whispering to my ear again.
I’m still here because of my family. When I thought they’d be better of without me, they told me it’s not true – and I chose to believe them. I choose to believe it every.single.day.
I made this video to raise awareness for mental illnesses in our small town. There are such rude people out there that have put a terrible stigma on depression, bipolar, etc and I was hoping to bring together a group of people that would otherwise, maybe not associate, to put this project together. It’s not perfect but it’s perfectly my vision and I hope it reaches the depths of the world where it needs to go. That’s what I did on World Suicide Prevention Day…
These posts are making me cry, with their pain, with their honesty, they are showing us all we are not alone. Everybody who posted here is, right now, helping others who are reading this. Maybe that is our purpose in life? To help others? To hang on with and for others?
You are all so, so beautiful, and so very needed. Remember always that you touch more people than you’ll ever know.
Oh, what I do when I’m really down: I get on my bicycle and ride, headphones on playing my FTW (Fuck The World) playlist. For example, “Behind Blue Eyes” by The Who:
When my fist clenches crack it open
Before I use it and lose my cool
When I smile, tell me some bad news
Before I laugh and act like a fool
And if I swallow anything evil
Put your fingers down my throat
And if I shiver please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat
And “The Sinking Feeling” by The The:
I’m just a symptom of the moral decay that’s gnawing at the heart of the country
And I get angry, and I think, “FUCK YOU” at things making me sad. Channel the hurt into anger helps me every time. Lots of good FTW music out there.
My daughter saves me every day too. Sometimes I lay in her bed when she is at school and just feel the flowers and the princesses and the colorful clothing that hangs in her closet.
Thank you. I needed that video today.
I am here because because the right people came in at the right times in my life.
Because Brandon hung himself at 14 after telling police about his dad’s abuse.
Because my mom tried to kill herself, and I had to be there to keep her alive.
Because someone noticed the star carved into my ankle at graduation, and asked if I was okay.
Because I made a pen pal in England named David. He doesn’t know it and we lost touch, but David kept me alive during the two years between high school and college when I had no one but him.
Because I met my husband. I was able to go off my medication within two months of meeting him.
Because of my babies, I made it through 3 bouts of postpartum.
I am here for all the people in my life who aren’t anymore. I’m not going anywhere because it would make my mother-in-law too happy.
Thank You.
My son and my family save me every day. One of my sisters came to my house every day and made sure I got out of bed, take a shower, and get out of the house. It makes me love you that much more that you love AFP. <3
everyday it takes a recitation of the things that are my blessings to remind me that i have blessings. it’s so much more natural to me to feel crushing despair or worse yet to feel nothing at all. i love my family but i often feel they would be so much better off without me even though i do realize that even thinking that is the most selfish thing i could think. possibly the only thing which has kept me from ending it all – i don’t want my son to ever feel that i was selfish or that i didn’t love him enough to stick around or that he was at all to blame.
regardless – i wish you would make music suggestions or post your playlist once in a while. your eclectic taste is a nice change of pace and is a glimmer of neat in a bleak day.
i’m a fucking ray of sunshine.
I don’t know if anyone will read this…..but I read the post and felt compelled to reply. My 37 year old sister-in-law just killed herself on Wednesday. She shot herself in the car with a shotgun. Left behind are her two small children, my devestated brother and her parents that cared for her daily.
I don’t know what to say. No one does. The loss is beyond words. I’m sure she’s at peace and in a better place. But I can tell you that unequivicably, we are not. Suicide is bigger than the one who kills themselves. It’s about the permenant wounds left on the living.
I have this fantasy of a funeral after I commit suicide of much wailing and gnashing of teeth, people wearing burlap clothes and covering themselves in ashes.
Inevitably, however, my imagination will turn to my little niece. I see the look of hurt and betrayal in her eyes (reminder: this is in my fantasy), and it breaks my heart.
So it is my beautiful little niece that unbeknown to her has saved my life more than I can count.
I watched the premiere of Katie Couric’s new daytime talk show and was brought to tears. I am battling depression in a very dangerous and serious way. Each day I live seems darker than the one before. I have battled cancer and won. i should be happy and grateful for this second chance and yet most days I just wish the cancer had ended my life. i feel lost, alone, and empty inside. I long and crave to find myself again. The woman I once was and know I can again be. Where did she go? I have been unemployed for almost 2 years and cannot find work. I am 51 years old and “VULNERABLE” should be my middle name. i am scared and critical of myself each and every day. I feel like such a failure, a loser, lost and confused. I have lost so much and have gained too, and NO not just extra unwanted pounds..LOL! I have 3 amazing grown children and 2 adorable grand babies, with another one on the way. Sometimes i feel I should see my life is rich and full and yet I don’t. What’s wrong with me? I have no job, no money, just lost my home and after being a homeowner for 25 yrs, now must find a place to rent. How shameful and pathetic my life has become. I need a friend, a RED DRESS and most of all some HOPE for a brighter future and better tomorrow. I feel SO stuck!!!
I don’t know how I’m here. My dad committed suicide when I was 13 and my mama just passed from Alzheimer’s. I feel angry. I don’t know how I am here but Im pretty sure it’s because of my dog
25% of suicides occur on a Wednesday. Twice as much as any other day of the week. And only 16% of people who attempt suicide and survive go on to kill themselves because it’s usually an impulse, not a preplanned thing.
So basically, if you know someone who is possibly suicidal, check in with them on Wednesday (or whatever the middle of their work week is) morning and you may just prevent any attempt.
I’m still here because….at least it wasn’t a MURDER/suicide….
Love you, and yes, depression does lie, the bastard!
“I’m here because my daughter saves me every day.”
Oh, how this spoke to me. Yes. It is because there is a little girl in this world who loves me and needs me and depends on me that I know I will never again contemplate swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills, no matter how dark a path my thoughts lead me down.
My kids. My kids. My kids. My life No longer belongs only to me and I could never take something away from my kids.
Thank you for “daring” to speak up about depression, anxiety, and suicide. I’ve dealt with depression and hopelessness myself on and off for many years. When I saw my daughter struggling with similar issues I was beside myself with fear, but I managed to get up the courage to ask her if she was thinking about hurting herself. She immediately broke down in tears and I could see the wave of relief wash over her knowing that I understood what she was going through. I am so thankful for finding a way to talk with her in that crucial moment. Thank you Jenny for doing what you do to shed light on issues that are very difficult to talk about. Much love!
I’m still here because of my daughter and my sister. My daughter saved me one time, knowing that there was no one else who could take care of her the way I could. And my sister saved me once because I had taken the time to call her to say goodbye. I felt I owed it to someone in my family to do so and she was the one I chose. Thankfully, she made herself available to me for several hours and all she had to do when she left was say, “Promise not to do anything. Promise to call me tomorrow.” And I did. And I’m still here because of that.
Dear Jenny,
Thank you for being part of the many people, places, and happenings that saved my life. A friend sent a link to your first Beyonce post to cheer me up during a bad day. She had no idea how bad that day was because I was self harming and too ashamed to talk to anyone. As I read more of your blog, I realized I wasn’t alone and that I could deal with my mental health issues in a productive, sarcastic, and healthy way. Some days, I still feel all alone but can go back to your first few posts of this year and feel comforted. I even had you sign that post at a book signing in Brookline, MA (I was the red head in the strawberry tunic and leggings). You’ve helped bring peace and courage to a lot of people when they need it.
Thank you for that. And, thank you for sharing your ups and downs, lefts and rights, funnies and not funnies. The fact that you talk about EVERYTHING really helps. I love hearing about your cats and your taxidermy collections. They make the more serious posts that much more meaningful.
Lots of redhead love from Boston,
Mary
My wonderful psychiatrist saves me every day because she suggested I get a pet and now I have two wonderful cats who also keep me going because I know they need me and because they are cuddly and soft and give unconditional love. And because I can cry in their fur and be comforted by their purring and licking away my tears. Socrates and Aristotle are my boys…
I have bipolar disorder, an eating disorder, am an alcoholic in recovery and currently quite suicidal… but my awesome psychiatrist (did I mention how great she is?? 🙂 ) introduced me to your blog and gave me your book to read which was hilarious and now we both have our inside jokes and she ordered a big metal chicken for her office!!!
Your blog posts save me every time because they make me laugh and other people around me can’t understand what’s so funny… maybe one needs to be mentally ill to get it?
Still this whole suicide prevention thing completed backfired with me and I’m tumbling, stumbling, spiraling into this phase where I think about suicide, make plans and actually was pretty close today to finally get it over with… but I have tried it before and of course was unsuccessful…damn!! And the consequences would be staying on a psychiatric ward again and I’m not keen on that. I don’t understand why other people are so interested in me not killing myself but…. whatever.
Your shirt “Depression is a lying bastard” saves me when I see it or wear it
Pictures of your darling Ginger Ninja always save me 🙂
Listening to music helps me get my mind under control
Swimming saves me from myself because it is exercise in a quiet environment where I can let my thoughts stray…
As a family physician, I see a LOT of depressed and anxiety-ridden patients. Since becoming a loyal Bloggess reader, I’ve started telling each of them, “Depression lies.” If I already have a good relationship with the patient, I say, “Depression is a lying bastard.” Most of them look at me like I just told them twinkies cure cancer, but for some of them a light goes on. When I start asking them to point out the lies in the things they’ve just said (“I’m useless,” “It would be easier to just not be here anymore,” “Depression isn’t real, I’m just a loser”), that light gets brighter. THANK YOU for giving me something to say that seems to cut through the lies. Getting people to externalize depression, to see that taking a medication doesn’t produce “false happiness” but rather brings you back to your true self, that therapy really can help you learn to recognize and correct self-destructive thoughts, that’s the first step in treating the disorder.
A psychiatrist friend of mine once said something else I’ve found useful: “Suicidal thoughts can be really freeing in the right light. If you can think about actually ending your life, you can do anything to avoid that.” He said he’d had patients who were afraid of what their friends/coworkers/family would think if they went for help, but talked themselves out of it by saying, “Come on, you just thought about killing yourself. I think you can handle some gossip.”
My own depression has never really pushed me toward suicide (unless you count Death by Taco Bell), just made me super avoidant of all responsibility and social interaction. But it’s hard to sleep for fourteen hours a day when two tiny super heroes wearing nothing but capes, masks, and undies come riding into your bedroom on stick horses, waving pool-noodle light sabers and demanding that you acknowledge the beauty in your life.
you make my days so much more bearable. it is like a light in the darkness, they never cease to make me smile. your ability to be honest is what is so needed in the world.
the people that love me – they keep me going. that love does not lie, depression does.
Kind of funny (maybe not) My 18th wedding anniversary was Sept 10th 🙂
“Everybody Hurts”, R.E.M.
Knowing how I react to the aphorism “a permanent solution to a temporary problem”: basically my father used that one while fiercely denying he had any problems (he is now diagnosed and medicated and doing much better), and it actually made things worse and not better for me. I know my depression is going to be a lifelong battle. It will get better. It will get worse. It will hopefully stay under control, and if it doesn’t stay there, it can be brought there again. It won’t go away. Pretending it’s not there is dangerous.
The sort of trustworthy friends where I can say “guys, I need some reminders that I’m a decent person and my presence improves the world; I’m feeling not so okay right now” and I get that, and I don’t get stuff that makes stuff worse.
The album “All That You Can’t Leave Behind”, by U2, especially the song “Stuck In A Moment You Can’t Get Out Of”. Bono wrote that song for Michael Hutchence, who committed suicide, because he felt that if MH might have waited another few moments, someone might have called, someone could have intervened.
I remind myself of that all the time; how I feel now is NOT how I will feel forever. The conditions I am living in now will NOT be forever. Nothing is forever. I don’t know how things will change as time passes, and because I don’t know that, I need to consider that things could change for the better.
I am only a person, with a limited view of things. I’m like a bug in a cup. I can only see what’s immediately around me, and I perceive it to be the All of Things. In fact, I simply don’t know what else is out there from the place I am in. The world is likely more vast and amazing than I can even imagine. I hold on to that.
I remind myself that my parents and brother and friends would be crushed if I checked out. Not because I am so amazing, but because I chose such a violent (suicide, no matter how it is done, is always violent. It is always a trauma to someone else- they have to find you. They have to deal with the shock and horror of an unexpected death, like someone who dies in an accident. ) way to go. They will be angry and sad and they will never be untouched by that darkness. And statistics show that in a family where there has been a suicide, the remaining people are 50% more likely to commit it themselves. I cannot let my legacy be that. I will not.
Depression lies. I love that one. When I am have symptoms or an episode I remind myself of that and it brings me back to center.
Thank you for all you do. I cannot tell you what it has meant.
I’ve never considered suicide but on my darker days I am thankful for you and this website to help me through it all…and I love that Amanda Palmer song so very very much.
This video always helps me. It is a dance choreographed by Mia Michaels. While it’s a portrayal of addiction, it can also be interpreted as dealing with depression.
Read William Styron’s Darkness Visible and stay here…we all need you.
“No Rain” by Blind Melon was a turning point for me. It was in listening to that song that I finally realized that I had a problem and that I wasn’t alone. The words so resonated with me because I was at a point where I just didn’t want to get out of bed and when I did, all I did was cry. Like the lyrics, I too wanted to “keep my cheeks dry” one day. It helped me go seek help.
Thank you so much for this posting and speaking out about depression. I struggle every fucking day of my life to the point where sometimes it’s so crushing I can’t breath! Reading you blog makes me laugh and helps me escape the black veil of depression. Faking being alive and happy is exhausting!
I love that Amanda Palmer song/video and can see why it really touched you.
For me, it was A Perfect Circle’s Gravity that helped me step back from the edge. When I literally had the knife or the pills, this stayed my hand. I lived solely because of my son and now, I am so glad that I did and grateful to him, even though he has no idea, that he saved my life.
My dear Jenny, thank you for saying it, for being it and for living it. For being the face of all the pain that so many of us have felt and are feeling now. I am alive because you dared to say something and I got help. Thank you.
Please correct my grammar mistakes in my comments to you Jenny!! Ugh, I can’t believe I didn’t user spell check or proofread it first!!! Guess I was too excited that 5:00 pm was finally getting here and an end to a Monday at work!!!! : )
Thank you for who you are and what you do. I LOVE this song, and you introduced me to it with perfect timing. My husband of 16 years recently abandoned me, texting me that he is filing for divorce. You are an inspiration, and I will get through this alive and be a better woman for it. Thank you, thank you!
This has been my favorite song since its release last summer. So great. Has saved me more than once…I sing it at the top of my lungs when I’m driving. 🙂
http://youtu.be/sgRb_lfIZ6A
This has been one of the hardest days, of one of the hardest weeks, of one of the hardest years. Fortunately, this is also the year I discovered the writing of Jenny Lawson. My cat gets me through most of the muck, but on days like today, when I need a little more, there’s the bloggess. Thank you!
You’ve heard this many times. I’m a lot like you. I battle anxiety and depression every day. Some days getting out of bed seems impossible. Some days I just cry. But through years of learning, medication, and exercise – I keep going on and find things to make me smile. In my Mind by Amanda Palmer is a song that identify with too. Every now and again I post it on my facebook or google+ or twitter. Other people must get exposed to it too! I was lucky to meet her and Neil Gaiman about a year ago now – it was stepping outside my comfort zone to go meet them, but luckily when they did a ninja gig together – I was going through a good spell and convinced myself to go! Thank you for being so open about who you are and what you struggle with. It makes being me, just a little bit easier.
Frou Frou Let Go. ‘There’s beauty in the breakdown.’
and Flaws by Bombay Bicycle Club.
And of course it always helps to talk to anyone who will listen.
I lost one of my best friends to suicide. I think if people can realize there are resources and that it’s a common disease and nothing to be ashamed of, maybe we can prevent some of the deaths in the future.
He who has a “why” to live can survive any “how” – Nietzsche that phrase gets me through some of the worst periods. I think of Viktor Frankl and all those people in the concentration camps who would give anything just to live and I can’t throw away this gift.
I’ve got a playlist that I actually created for a friend who was going through a depression that I listen to when things feel like they’re getting too tough. Particularly, Better Son/Daughter by Rilo Kiley often acts as an anthem for me during those times, encouraging me to power through the hardest points.
I’m also blessed with some great friends who see me going down Depression Road and go into high gear to keep me from the brink. At the hardest points, when I can’t think of any other reason to keep going, it’s the thought of not wanting to let them down that pushes me on.
my daughter: “You’re so useless to this family you might as well be dead.”
Me: Thanks for your support.
I keep on keepin’ on for my sister, my parents, and my friends, because I love them and don’t want to hurt them. I manage to do it thanks to Doctor Who (no lie), blogs like this one, random kind commenters on the Internet, and poetry. Specifically Andrea Gibson’s “Say Yes” and Tennyson’s “Ulysses”.
“you have a drum in your chest that could save us
you have a song like a breath that could raise us
like the sunrise into a dark sky that cries to be blue
play like you know we won’t survive if you don’t
but we will if you do”
“I am a part of all that I have met
Yet all experience is an arch wherethrough
Gleams that untravelled world whose margin fades
Forever and forever when I move”
(Going through my google reader back log because I suck at reading things on time, but that’s ok)
It makes me very happy that you like Amanda Palmer.
And that song is the song I go to when I hate myself and want to cry and die and stay in bed because I have done nothing with my life and I’ll never amount to anything.
Thank you.
I just wanted to say that I too have a child who has a mental illness (Bi-polar with sever cluster traits) as do I (with milder cluster traits). Because I’m Bi-polar I was able to recognize it in my daughter around the age of four.
After years and years or frustration, with the medical field (insisting she had ADHD and not being willing to hear what Paige and I were REALLY saying), and many suicide attempts later (Paige is a cutter and she was finally pushed to attempt to slit her throat) she is now 22 and, luckily enough, receptive to medication (which I am not, along with about 3% of the worlds population with mental health issues are resistant to modern medicine) she is living her life as she should with balance and control. Paige still has manic days, but they are few and far between, and with proper rest and a healthy diet (to maximize the drugs effectiveness) she lives life large.
I used to cry to myself “why me?” but I have come to realize it was to help save my daughter!
Our connection might not be the one I had hoped for when she was born but we are strong and honest with each other, as only people with mental health issues can be, and I have been given what I once considered a cruel, disabling burden to which I now consider a gift. There are not many “silver linings” in mental health disorders but in mine I now “see the light at the end of the tunnel”. So I will look towards every dawn as a chance to help make Paige’s day easier…not to take away her pain but to teach her how to push through it, to let her know SHE in not alone.
I shared “The bloggess” with her this last manic episode and we laughed and we cried and we said to each other that “You Jenny Rock” because you give us a voice and an avenue to be heard (and hopefully understood) and definitely not forgotten. So thank you Jenny for helping us when all you feel like doing is giving in…because your always there when WE NEED you please feel free to call on us for support. I consider you a true friend and “comrade in arms”. Stay strong and lean on us (your fans, your friends) when YOU NEED US.
P.S. Paige and I would like to say a great big thanks to Victor, because with his love and understanding you feel strong enough to share your lives with us. Thank you Victor for “putting up” with all of us, and I’m with YOU on the alligator hand bag: definitely creepy and weird…mom should have sent two they would have made cooler gloves.
Thank you for your blog. For bravely sharing yourself, and letting so many people find that they aren’t alone. I spent last week reading the comments thread on “Today and forever”, and it’s true – the knowledge that we aren’t alone when we hit the darkest spaces is so critical. I’m still here because as I was about to bury a knife into my heart, a disembodied voice called out “No” and then, when I saw that there wasn’t anyone there and went to try again, “Don’t”. And I’m still here because there was one person who saw – past the mask I created – the pain I was feeling after that, and made me sit down and talk about it. So I’m still here because I was saved, and now I’m still here because I’m pissed as hell at the lying bastard who almost succeeded in convincing me that life would be better without me in it, and I will NEVER let him win.
Thank you, Jenny.
Thank you.
Hi Jenny — my sister sent your book to me, which I just finished reading and allowed me an hour’s relief each night from my somewhat nightmarish existence. I write a lot about healthcare as a copywriter. Actually, I think the CDC estimates half of Americans suffer from depression. Well, not surprising since economically many of us are not in recovery. Interesting abstract I found in http://psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx?articleid=164569: Rates of mental illness were examined in 30 creative writers, 30 matched control subjects, and the first-degree relatives of both groups. The writers had a substantially higher rate of mental illness, predominantly affective disorder (i.e, manic depression, depression or both), with a tendency toward the bipolar subtype (i.e, manic). There was also a higher prevalence of affective disorder and creativity in the writers’ first-degree relatives, suggesting that these traits run together in families and could be genetically mediated. Both writers and control subjects had IQs in the superior range; the writers excelled only on the WAIS vocabulary subtest, confirming previous observations that intelligence and creativity are independent mental abilities.
So, interestingly, although this study came up first in my search for “prevalence of depression” it is pretty small and pretty old (1987), which tells you how much those who fund research /google care about us creative types.
“Just a Ride” by Jem is my theme song! My dad was suffering from depression and committed suicide when I was 19 and I was lucky enough to have an awesome best friend see me through the next two rough years. When I met my husband, I found out that he had battled depression himself, and his sister is bipolar. To say that we have very open conversations about our mental health is putting it mildly! We keep a close eye on each other and keep each other focused on what is important in life. I never want to leave my family the way my dad left us. We are still confused as to why our wonderful, sweet, strong father chose to end his life. Stay aware, talk it over with somebody that loves you, and keep your spirit strong.
I absolutely love this blog! What a great outlet for weird and amazing support for mental health at the same time!!
“?Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.
So you mustn’t be frightened, if a sadness rises in front of you, larger than any you have ever seen; if an anxiety, like light and cloud-shadows, moves over your hands and over everything you do. You must realize that something is happening to you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand and will not let you fall.”
? Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet
RIght now I think about suicide daily. I have for months. The things that help are:
1) My best friend. We openly speak to the other about suicide, no judging. But we’ve each promised the other that before we snuff our own candles, we will call the other and get together for one last night of companionship and wine, off in the woods somewhere. Knowing I’d have to make the call and get on a plane…it’s just enough to make me think, “not today.”
2) One of my cats. I know my husband (soon to be ex?) would care for her, but I love her so fiercely.
3) Tim Minchin’s “Not Perfect” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=exwn6fuF9y0
Jenny ~
We’ve met once at a book signing in NJ. It was the perfect night. 🙂
I *know* you from your blog, book, Pinterest, etc.
I have a young friend who is currently hospitalized so she remains healthy and safe from self harm.
I have indeed shared THIS post in my blog post today, so I am asking permission after the fact. I suspect you will be A-OK with it.
I listened to most of the songs in this thread and ended up going with Anna’s (in the post right above mine), Tim Minchin’s “Not Perfect.”
As always, thank you for YOU. For you, indeed, are the perfect you.
xo
http://www.theglasshouseretreat.com/1/post/2013/01/live-a-good-long-life.html
I’m still here because I don’t know where else to be.
Reblogged this on Making It Up As I Go Along – Trying To Think It Through and commented:
Robin Williams dying was a surprise. Robin Williams killing himself was a shock.
I had a fear he would die this year or soon. I couldn’t explain it. But when it happened and it was most likely suicide. I just couldn’t believe it. That he is just gone.. Well.. I wrote a post about what his work has meant to me. http://wordpress.com/read/blog/id/66793143/
Lovely song.
I am glad you have a friend. I know life is so hard. Sometimes it just doesn’t seem worth it to suffer so much. But I dearly hope you do hang on, because you don’t know what tomorrow offers if you leave early. Someday you may a new and better day. And I hope sincerely that you do.
I sorry about what you had to go through with your father. That sounds truly hard for a 19 to go through. It seems like you must be a truly strong person.
I have thought about that. I think artists are more in touch with their emotions, including the harder one and they have to in order to bring their art out into the world. It is like an artist at times will reach into the deepest darkest bag fearlessly in order to move and uplift others.
Thank you for sharing. I’m so glad someone saved you, showed you that you were worth it!
One thing about our relationships with our loved ones, is we don’t always get the easy ride, but it how we deal with these struggles, that you have helped her through, you listened to her and heard her when she needed you. That is priceless.
beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing it.
I agree with what you say about depression lying. It is a negative cycle. When you’re depressed you tell yourself horrible things that just make you feel worse. Also suicidal thoughts did free me, because I realized when I was younger and suffering with it, that my guilt stopped mattering and I finally was able to put it aside.
For YEARS now, Wil Wheaton’s writing on “Depression Lies” has resonated through my soul. How I NEVER followed his link back to your blog until today is utterly beyond me.
Today, my life changed. I came to read your blog, and I listened to and pulled up the lyrics of the song you posted, and sincerely, it could be my anthem. It rocked my universe so intensely, I had to blog about it, and linked back to your blog (though I don’t know if I did it correctly for you to get a notification of it …
https://9andahalfdigits.wordpress.com/2017/02/16/what-if/