And then I was murdered. (This will be eerie if I really end up murdered this week.)

in Random Crap

Victor:  I don’t understand the point of twitter.  Millions of people saying random stuff ALL THE TIME.

me:  Sounds like you totally understand twitter.  And that’s what’s so awesome about it.

Victor:  There’s literally nothing that hasn’t already been said on twitter.  Aren’t you all done yet?

Victor:  Well.  I stand corrected.

201 thoughts on “And then I was murdered. (This will be eerie if I really end up murdered this week.)”

Read comments below or add one.

  10. Today I made flu shots look sexy. Now my arm hurts and I have flu shot buyer’s remorse. Twitter was there for me, Victor!

  11. Oh, Victor. It’s like you’ve never met a whole society of nutbars before. Pfft.

  12. Lately it seems all my twitter is full of is retweets of local politicians arguing with each other and citizens. It’s nice to see something fresh and new happening.

  13. Then I murdered said horse. There is proof all over my apartment. It was my first horse. I’m not very good at this. “That’s what she said”

  17. Twitter is the where I get all of my critical information, news etc. It’s 100% accurate, all the time, just like Wikipedia. Where else would I learn that someone could be murdered by a horse and live to tell about it? DUH.

  18. Which is the PERFECT title for a book chapter…I may have to steal it – unless you’re going to use it in your next book.
    I recognize the right of ‘first dibs’!

    Kathy

  21. Obviously Victor has a lot to learn. Millions of people saying random things all the time is what makes the world go round. Either that or the giant hamster running endlessly inside the core of the planet.

  27. Twitter was the only thing that saved my sanity during last night’s debate. Instead of fuming and grinding my teeth, I laughed my ass off at all the commentary!

  28. The whole point of Twitter is to see a bunch of people busy doing a load of inane, dull and uninteresting things…just like you are doing. There’s your sense of community right there.

  30. I didn’t get it either… but then I got a handle (@veganbuglady) and figured it out… the random is the fun of it! And it’s real-time fleeting thoughts and TOTALLY enables any ADHD that I had hiding in me.

  32. Well hell. Is this the voice of Dead Jenny via horse? That hungry asshole had better take care of your hair. And HST.

  34. I hope if and when you’re actually killed by a horse you’ll still tweet to us.

  37. Most tweets need to be read like they are soundbites from a movie trailer. Your movie sounds very interesting.

    “A horse on the edge. The woman that was collateral damage. The beginning of a hundred year war between human and equine. Starts. Today.”

  38. I also liked the original version that you deleted: ‘Today was murdered by a horse.’

  40. How could everything already be said? I mean, stuff keeps happening Victor. I’ll bet no one has already said this: My hubby told me he lost his travel coffee mug when the armadillo he had just shot ran over and died on top of the coffee mug he had sat on the ground.

  43. If Victor were more creative, he’d have tweeted something more random back not only to one-up you, but also to disprove his own point which would have made you win by default, even though you totally agreed with his point in the first place.

  44. Poor Victor, he should really know not to give you a challenge. Also he so very much dosen’t get twitter, it’s kind of sweet.

  45. Twitter makes me feel like a confused elderly person. Except I’m not elderly. Maybe if I were, then I would have some tech savvy whippersnapper of a kid to teach me how it works and then I’d get it. Instead I’ll just sit over in this corner being old before my time.
    HEY KID KEEP OFF MY LAWN!

  48. I can always count on you for a laugh out loud moment! Thanks Victor, for throwing down that gauntlet. 😀

  49. If twitter wasn’t electronic it would be so loud and annoying. But I love it. I’ve learned so much random crap on twitter. And it makes me laugh.

  50. Some criticisms about the triviality of Twitter may be justified, but quite often, they are not.

    Twitter is wonderful.

    Why?

    Because reasons. That’s why.

  55. If it weren’t for Twitter, I don’t think any of us could do things like watch presidential debates without stabbing everyone in the room.

  57. Lisa October 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm

    He should have known not to toss out THAT little challenge!
    Gotta agree with that!
    Personally, I’m still looking for the story that concludes with the butler sticking his dick in the mashed potatoes.

  63. LOVE. Just when I think I’ve seen or heard it all… I simply click to your blog and stand back… eventually knowing I’ll be proven wrong. Well played, Jenny Lawson, well played.

  65. So is this where you get taxidermied by Heather the Funeral Director and sent to the mouse family? I wonder what they will dress you up in???

  66. Don’t forget about the mayor of Hollywood Park (San Antonio) who WAS murdered by his pet donkey… kinda creepy.

  68. I think Twitter is like middle school. I’ve been trying to get followers for over a year. I guess that I’m doing better than I did at middle school though.

  72. I follow Albert Brooks and Charles Blow. They’re both cerebral. Other than that, I don’t really grok the rest of it. TMI.

  74. Challenge accepted.
    Except I don’t have twitter. Don’t do the tweets.
    But I hope other people pick up the challenge…with gusto.

  76. Oh, Victor.

    Twitter is kind of the monkeys + typewriters thing. But, if you don’t get it, you don’t get it, I guess.

  77. You got that one by the skin of your teeth. Last year I was ALMOST murdered by a horse. My horse. He didn’t mean it though…wind is scary.

  79. I think there is something that attracts normal and good looking spouses to us folks who are broken and weird as hell. It’s the only explanation for my LisaLiscious. Honestly I swear she’s the Female Victor. (I once named a laptop “Victor” once thinking I was being clever — “he shall win” was the idea behind it).

    Oh yeah, and twitter. I dunno. I have useful stuff in my feed from infosec folks and random goofiness, and the occasional model who wants to show her latest… uhm… work. WHICH I TOTALLY SUPPORT.
    yeah

    yeah

    I have never been killed by a horse. So thanks for the something new. Was it Bad Horse? The Thoroughbred of Sin? For my money I want it to have been Bad Horse.

  83. Fine! I’ll get a Twitter account! Between the conference I attended this weekend and you it seems I’m one of the few remaining hold-outs who just couldn’t see the difference between Twitter and a facebook newsfeed.

    Now I need to come up with a spiffy user name.

  85. I was sure that the homicidal monkey had something to do with it. Better avoid him and horses for a while, unless you want this post to be eerie.

  88. My cat just murdered a mouse. I have a feeling that statement is neither shocking nor original, but it’s the best I can do.

  90. I used to feel like Victor about twitter. It took me forever to warm up to it.

    Now I like it better then facebook. FB has lost its appeal to me.

    I mean where else can you talk to & get responses from celebs like Neil Gaiman, Piper from Charmed, Amanda Palmer etc AND get a direct message from John Taylor of Duran Duran in response to a disagreement you had over politics(yeah that last one made 14 yr old me squeal something fierce)?? I LOVE Twitter.

    I’m definitely in the pro Twitter group. I like that some of my inane tweets get retweeted by people or favorited. And sometimes I apparently make so much sense someone retweets it to thousands of people(Palmer did this to me twice and my twitter blew up for two days. Thanks AP!).

    I just love the connection of meeting like-minded people and talking to them. I like that I find out news faster via Twitter then anywhere else.

    Yeah, I get how people find it weird but I also urge people to give it a chance. I did that with my husband and he’s addicted now.

    Oh and what’s up with the horse? What did you do to it? Did you not feed it apples??

  91. today i was attacked by a tumbleweave in our neighborhood. or not. but i could have been. HOLLA!
    (n. A random grouping and usually tangled mass of fake hair, which is generally the result of someones weave being pulled out in a fight)

  98. Today on Twitter I promised Eminem I would rap “Lose Yourself” for his 40th Birthday. Which was today. I AM TOTALLY STRESSED OUT because my beats aren’t nearly dope enough yet.

  99. I’ve said it before – multiple times – and I’ll say it again – you guys are FANTASTIC!!! You and Victor BUT your commentors! Bwahahahhaha

  103. Feck I want to rob this. Why are you so awesome but never talk to me, you literally have me in histerics non stop. All I want is a picture of you holding some twine. Is this so wrong of me?

    Awww nutterbutters!

  105. On an entirely unrelated note, I loaned my audiobook copy of “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” to my friend and her just turned 13 year old son who are doing a lot of traveling right now and wanted something to listen to in the car. She texted me today to say, “Following the arm stuck in a horse story, my son’s only question was “What’s a turkey baster?” I’m just glad he didn’t ask me what a dildo is. *uncomfortable giggle* Though he is even less interested in ever trying drugs than he was previously, which was not at all, so I guess that’s good.” When I suggested that perhaps she shouldn’t trust my judgment on what’s appropriate for children she replied, “What? We both LOVE the book so far!” So there you go. A very roundabout third party review of your audiobook as heard by a just turned 13 year old boy and his mom. You’re welcome. 🙂

  110. I made a recipe for monkey poop today and couldn’t wait to share it on Twitter. Twitter is really the only place for such things. It is magic.

  113. I’ve never understood Twitter, I feel like an old lady for thinking it’s stupid just because I don’t get the point. That being said, I have one….only to enter into drawings to win awesome shit.

  117. Yeah, I don’t know why people think horses are so sweet and loveable. I look at a horse and see nothing but malice and evil. And pretty eyes.

  119. Wait, were you trampled to death or did the horse silently sneak up, cover your mouth with one hoof, and kill you?
    These things matter.

  120. Twitter is like a magic 8 ball;
    Ask it a question, give it a shake and the answer appears.

  126. I’m probably the one person on Earth who HATES Twitter. It’s a bunch of verbal…er…written diarrhea. It’s also a lot like being schizophrenic because there are so many voices and thoughts at once….I already have about 46 of my own to deal with, so adding the rest of the world to that just makes shit a lot more confusing!

  127. I have a Twitter account that I’ve never used. But it makes me feel like I have more friends when the spam-bots request to follow me. I feel the love!

    But now I feel left out. No horse has ever murdered me, assaulted me or even made an inappropriate joke in my presence. It hurts.

  129. I used to spend so much time on Twitter. It was so much fun! I haven’t been on much anymore. When I am on, I don’t often enjoy it as much as I used to.

    Maybe everything has already been said.

  134. I was sitting here reading this post when all of a sudden I hear my husband say, “Stay out of the water when the coral is sperming.”

    I’m curious about that random statement, but I get the feeling the answer might ruin the trip we’re planning to take to the Bahamas for our 15th anniversary…

  135. Wow. Now I REALLY wish I hadn’t given that horse with the leather mask and chainsaw directions to your house.

  136. What if you were murdered mid sentence and we all started suspiciously eyeing local horses, but really you meant to say “hoarse jugglers” and then they got away with it!!! Damn you, autocorrect!

  138. @Brea,

    You’re not the only one. I don’t twat on twatter, I don’t use a cellphone/devilbox (and consider it the single worst invention in human history), and I don’t Facebook. I remain a fan of communicating in more than a single sentence (or fragment thereof). That may be related to my loving long novels like the Song of Ice and Fire series or The Count of Monte Cristo.

  139. I love your response and declare you the winner of the argument (but I still agree with Victor that Twitter is kind of pointless).

  141. I will have to go to my Twitter feed and see how many people have reposted this. I see an amazing chain of things that haven’t been on Twitter yet, like “I just clipped my toenails” or “I was trampled by a pack of feral chihuahuas”

  142. Oh Victor, you asked for that……

    It’s like he was daring you to come up with something outrageous and I love it 🙂

  143. I do’t understand Twitter. Why would I want to hear about the random thoughts of THE REST OF THE UNIVERSE? I can’t even tolerate my own random thoughts, ESPECIALLY at 2 in the morning! My anxiety keeps me awake with the most STUPID thoughts ever! “That was a cute dog food commercial” “Where do I get one of those neat little contraptions?” “Did I take out the garbage?” If I used Twitter, I’d NEVER sleep! I’d be up all night reading the replies to all of MY RANDOM THOUGHTS that I didn’t want to think about in the first place!

    NO no no no nooooooooooo!!!

  145. I just read this on CNN.com and thought of you. I’m a longtime lurker. You rock. 🙂
    Morbid Anatomy Library, Brooklyn, New York
    This library and private collection of weird art and antique medicine cum gallery and lecture space hosts occasional classes in anthropmorphic taxidermy. That’s the resurrected Victorian craft of dressing dead animals in adorable little outfits and posing them in human activities.
    The bunny school houses and kitten croquet parties of a more genteel era, however, have been updated to mouse burlesque dancers, skateboarders and drunken poets.
    Visits can be scheduled to the library by appointment.

  146. Since all of my friends live on the internet, I think of twitter and the delivery system for things I would have said if we actually hung out, but we don’t so I tweet it. And vice versa. For the most part, I only follow people who I would want to hang out with.

  147. I hate to break it to you, but I posted that last week. So, technically, Victor is right. Now if you had said you were murdered by a *taxidermied* horse…

  148. I’m with you, I don’t understand Twitter either and have been trying to “figure it out” now that I’m a blogger. To me it just seems like people reposting links to articles…

    That being said, follow me on Twitter! @ThrivingWives (har har)

  149. Rather unfair, your irresponsible criminalizing of horses. Not only that, but you, mam, are a Sizeist. Ponies have just as much homicidal rage as a horse. For shame.

  153. Dude, I’ve totally said that before. Just not on Twitter. Also, I was clearly lying as I’m not dead and am rarely near horses.

  156. Victor’s reactions to your comments crack me up. He is the perfect straight man in your comedic duo.

  158. Why a horse? Is that just the first thing that came to mind? Do you have something against horses? And why murder? Why not ice-skating or football – something more jovial? We need more back-story.

    See, that’s why I don’t do twitter.

  159. I still can’t believ Victor though you would be quiet on this one.
    Also love the idea Jennifer had of a #ForVictor hashtag for things that haven’t been said in Twitter

  160. I’ve spent the past two days arguing with (and proving that I’m right to) call center reps – post office and insurance company. So the fact that you so effectively proved yourself right to Victor, just cracks me up to no end.

    Last night I dreamed Dr.Phil was trying to touch my face. True story. #ForVictor.

  165. just read your book. i grew up in lamesa then moved to odessa. i have also been inside a dead deer.

  167. As the Board President of our local therapeutic horseback riding program for individuals with special needs, I was startled to learn of your demise at the hooves of a horse. It’s startling, but it happens. Horses kill.
    The real reason I’m writing is that I just read your book. I didn’t realize that Jenny Lawson was “the Bloggess that I’ve been reading for years, but once I did, I thought the book was even better, and that you write in a surprisingly similar style to my facebook friend “Insane in the Mom-Brain”. She would make an interesting editor for your next project.

    Loved the book, respect for all the personal shit you put out there for us. I knew that when you said those things didn’t really happen to you on the blog comments… that they really did. Now I am glad to know I read you right.
    Love ,
    V.

  171. Now, you’ll regret that tweet if it happens hey? Would you find yourself inexplicably terrified if you came across a horse in your day now? I would.

  173. My low self esteem basically ensures I rarely post, since I figure no one gives a shit about my random thoughts… and then someone re-tweets me.

    More odd to me than being murdered by a horse, really.

    I do believe that we would be more concerned if you WEREN’T posting about animals and death in the same breath!!

    ________

  174. Remember the TV show Benson. The widowed Governor’s wife had won a flowered dress as a costume and was eaten by horses, it was explained in one episode.

  175. You can delete my last comment. Aside from the typo, I researched it on imdb and found that it was sugar, not flowers: “as that of the Governor’s wife who was said to have been killed by horses. She was not trampled, but eaten while wearing a costume made largely of sugar.”

  176. s shopping in walmart late last night wearing my Copernicus hug shirt and looking a hot mess when this chick walked right up to me and was like “I love your shirt!” I was like “Uhm. Oh! Thanks, Its the bloggess.” And then the strange happened, she said “I know, Im a lawsbian too! I think we should start a fan group and meet to discuss her blogg!! I think I have a card.” And then she looked for her bizz card but didnt have one so she just scribbled her number down on a tine scrp of paper she had in her coat pocket and she walked away.

    And then I had to explain to my kids what a lawsbian was and why they couldnt say it to their friends…..

  177. Jenny, My brother just wrote the funniest true story and I posted it to my blog. It involves a stuffed possum and a stuff bobcat. If you have a second, check it out. I think the link will be on here. I thought of you when I read it.

  179. Can you and Victor just start turning on a video camera and recording these conversations.
    I think we would have the most hilarious sitcom ever imagined.

    Totally AWESOME!!!

  180. A fleeting thought that isn’t recorded is like a tree falling in the forest. If you’re not tweeting you don’t exist! It’s driven by the same thing that compelled cave pictographs.

  182. I am, at this very moment, creating a webinar explaining various social media platforms to public librarians. This screenshot will be included. I believe that might be the best explanation of twitter ever.

  184. I’m assuming you knocked on wood.

    I second the idea of just setting up a video camera in your house so we can get a constant stream of these conversations. It would be the latest reality TV, only, you know, actually entertaining. A mix between reality TV and The New Normal. You should probably also have at least one gay person move in. It’s possible I’m putting too much thought into this.

  185. One would think that Victor would have known by now not to issue you a challenge like, “There’s literally nothing that hasn’t already been said on twitter.”

    Was he expecting you just to say, “Why, yes, you’re right” and to walk away?

  186. Hah! It’s like that game/English class assignment where you write a sentence, pass the paper to the next person who writes another sentence, and so on until you have a complete story. Only in this case you filled in the sentence structure with random words :).

  189. And now what am I supposed to do when a horse murders me and instead of a brain-eating zombie, I come back as the frequent-tweeting kind?

    Because if I’m going to spend the rest of my life as a social media oriented undead, I at least want to start off with some originality.

  190. What happened to your twitter account? I love reading it and it hasn’t been available lately 🙁

  191. Make some room on that bench, Victor. I use it for work and that’s about it. 140 characters and the signal to noise ratio makes the Baby Baal cry.

  193. I kinda love this.

    My only frustration with Twitter is the inane bullshit that gets retweeted sometimes. “Can I get an RT because reasons? It’s my birthday/I’m a huge fan/I secretly have an altar to you in my closet.” Here I am, working to maintain at least a façade of coolness by not squeeing at the people I fangirl over in my head, as well as trying to keep my replies and comments witty and relevant, and “*derp* I lurve yew real hard, can haz RT pleez?” gets a response?!

    Okay, I’m done ranting. For now…

  194. I recently discovered that the concept of Kamikaze Robot Parrots doesn’t exist anywhere on the internet! I found this to be very surprising as it is clearly the sort of thing that the internet community should have invented already.
    Sadly, I remindeed the situation by posting it on Twitter, so Victor wins this round.

  195. Moral of the story……. don’t f*** with horses.

    No really it’s generally frowned upon and can lead to you being murdered by a horse on a mission to kill.

  196. So one of my childhood repeating nightmares is I was eaten by a horse. I am not lying. Still can see the whole thing in my head.

  199. I actually JUST joined Twitter, because I was part of the whole, “Twitter is just random thoughts” camp myself, but then I realized and accepted that I need that randomness to promote my blog. So I’m on it. I love the comment on the horse. Even if it had been said before. Also, you are hilarious and my blog hero. 🙂

  201. My partner and I absolutely love your blog and find many of your post’s to be exactly what I’m
    looking for. Does one offer guest writers to write content for you?
    I wouldn’t mind writing a post or elaborating on a lot of the
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