You know when you stick your hand into a box of triskets and then you feel to the bottom and it’s empty, and so you stick your other hand in the pop tart box and it’s empty too, and then you step back from the pantry and you’re wearing the empty snack boxes like giant ill-fitting mittens while you stare at the pantry in an vain effort to look for anything else to eat, and your husband walks in and looks at you, and you’re all “I didn’t eat all of these. They were already eaten before I got here” and your husband is like, “But why are you wearing them?” and you’re all “I. don’t. know.”
Me too.
*********
In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.
What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):
- This is my actual Halloween costume. And probably my new favorite shirt.
- Lean into the weird
What you missed on the internets:
This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:
- Cats that look like pin-up girls
- Fuck it. I’m voting for the eagle.
- We’ve gone too far.
- The internet map. (Happy to report that we have our own small planet and it’s not in any of the “vast porno galaxies”.)
This week’s wrap-up sponsored by ebook publisher Open Road Media and their Fright-Free Halloween campaign, promoting family-friendly fall cooking, craft ebooks and Halloween-themed children’s stories that take the scary out of Halloween for kids. Check out The Berenstain Bears Get the Scardies ebook. It’s like The Shining, but with bears and no corpses.
Even worse mittens….the Pepperidge Farm Geneva package on one hand and the Milano package on the other. Just saying.
The Kidless Kronicles
I wish more political discourses featured – and weighed on – rap battles.
…I can’t help but feel we’d end up with a better government as a result.
And to think I’d assumed the phrase “left holding the bag” was somehow testicle-related.
Mittens and most any food
Still not worse than Mitt “Mittens” Romney.
Don’t you just love when you go to grab something else from the pantry, but can’t get it because you still have the empty box mittens on?
I blame the person who put the boxes back when they were empty.
In other words I blame my husband.
I don’t know about mittens, but I do know about Pop Tart shoes. I made my daughter wear them with a Trader Joes shopping bag dress. After that episode, she never bitched about her clothes again. I pride myself on bad parenting tips..tips that work!
Everyone knows that feeling. Well, some people have wives or boyfriends or girlfriends or friends or even siblings instead of husbands. But we all know that feeling anyways.
this made me want to knit you mittens. Do you want some real mittens? ‘Cause I’d totally knit you some.
And I thought I had the only house with pantry mittens.
Nicole, I’d love those mittens! Is there ever a boring day in your house?
I almost posted a link to Cats That Look Like Pin-up Girls on my blog the other day, and now I’m kicking myself. It finally would have looked I had thought of something awesome before you did. Curses. Ma-row.
For some reason, I was SURE those mittens would somehow include Hunter S. Thomcat.
Lol! I frequently have food box mittens… I’m so lazy!
It’s the cheetos bags for me. Thanks for yet another “read out loud” entry. My husband always wants to hear what you come up with. I know he does. That’s why I read them out loud to him. He’s learned the consequences of not listening. His nervous laughter makes your words even funnier.
J/K-he’s a big fan.
Thanks for the awesome rap – it lightened the mood. I’m the lone Democrat in a house full of Republicans.
Soooooo tired of hearing ‘why bother to vote?’ – it won’t count here in Texas.
Too bad – I WILL vote – even if it’s just one more tick for the lose column.
My voice may not be loud – but it deserves to be heard!
Kathy
It’s really much better if you can get matching boxes.
I’d blame the cats! My husband and son know better than to leave empty food packages in the pantry LOL
Seriously, why don’t they just punch you in the face instead? Nothing more annoying than an empty food package! 😉
Whenever people ask me why I’m doing something they consider weird, I have one of two responses: 1) “Because I can and it’s free.” or 2) “If I knew, I wouldn’t be doing it.”
Yeah, there’s pretty much no way it isn’t the fault of whoever put the empty boxes back on the shelf.
Wearing them in protest! Four more boxes of Pop Tarts – the good ones, not those motherfucking brown sugar abominations!
Have you seen this: http://www.upworthy.com/finally-pictures-of-gorgeous-women-that-make-you-feel-better-about-yourself-inst
It has some red dress pictures – including yours!
I now have a sudden craving for PopTarts. And I also agree with the commenter about the Milano cookie package 🙂
I actually assumed that the worst mittens would involve a dead animal of some sort. Not saying I’m disappointed though. Empty box mittens are pretty bad.
Those mittens would be completely useless in a Colorado winter, but down in Texas, do you really need mittens? Boxes would probably suffice for the level of cold weather you encounter, right? Start a trend! Just don’t do it while driving. I kind of think they wouldn’t work for that. Just slip them on *after* getting somewhere, casually stroll along, nodding and waving, knowing that you are the dawn of the newest fashion movement to sweep the nation, nay, the world!
In that internet map your site is suspiciously close to thank-you-note-samples.com, I hope people are going there and after looking for something that would express their feelings they give up and just buy one of your “thank you for springing me from your vagina” cards.
I have Halloween candy bags stuck to mine. I wish I knew where it all went..
my step son showed me the epic rap battle…. some of the shit these kids find on youtube amazes me.
If you poked five little holes in each of them, you’d have a hipsterific pair of fingerless gloves. Bam!
I’m going low-key on the costume too, but if I had more time (and didn’t have a 3 year old who’d be terrified) I’d consider this one!
http://pinterest.com/pin/146930006564299276/
C’mon Jenny, Confess, You SO know you put those empty containers back in the closet. And don’t blame your daughter next. Courage, dear.
OR when you look in a box that you can’t remember opening at christmas, hoping it will contain something amazing to make you happy, but it’s empty. But it also fits on your head, so you leave it there. So that you can wallow in darkness and your world is nothing but a hollow, cardboard imitation of reality.
Then this mouse looks at you from inside your cupboard, like “I just bought groceries and now I’m going to have to go again?!”
http://piccololeke.tumblr.com/post/34001467065
If my Triscuit box and my Poptart box are empty my Valium bottle had better be full. You’ve been warned.
“mittens” retrieved from the trash in a desperate but hopeful attempt to find one more elusive crumb are pretty embarrassing too
How about when you turn the box upside down with your hand in it to try to gather the bits/crumbs but they fall down your sleeve. Now you have box mittens on and are wiggling around trying to work the crumbs out of your bra when hubby arrives.
No, never happened to me, can’t relate.
Wait — is that a t-shirt you wear when you’re killing zombies, or does the t-shirt itself kill zombies? What happens when it runs out of zombies to kill? Depending on the answer, that might be scarier than the zombies themselves.
I feel your pain with the mittens. Sometimes, I’ll tell my boyfriend I want a snack…and then he’ll look at me like I’ve already eaten 3 boxes of Count Chocula this week…(which I may or may not have done)…and then he’ll say, “Really?!” So, I tell him it wasn’t me. Can you blame a stuffed dog?
And your husband didn’t think to go run and get the camera?! There is the real crime.
Now I want Pop Tarts. Not for mittens, for eating.
Thank you for that image of the box mittens. It really made my afternoon.
Holy crap, there’s been alot of funny stuff passed around about the elections, but the rap battle vid had me laughing the hardest. The election should not the choice “between the shiniest of two turds.” I say I vote eagle too.
Am I the only one disturbed by how close our planet is to disney.go.com?
I am going to get some of those mittens if I have to eat all the granola and crackers in the house!
Wait till you get older and the grand kids turn up and you haven’t been to the grocery store so you say sorry, no biscuits, grand dad always gives a biscuit on arrival, and then one of them catches you eating the one that was still there that you find……. The guilt and shame knows no ends
WTH are triskits? They sound like some form of expensive dry cat food, but I assume they aren’t, given the lack of commenters asking why you were attempting to eat cat food and offering to send you tins of stuff…
“But why are you wearing them?” Best question ever.
I thought you were going to have put your hands in mittens and found a scorpion – but then I remembered it has been around 90 here in Texas recently, so what the devil would you be doing wearing actual mittens.
That’s happened to me before. Except it was a box of hair dye and gas relief pills. My oldest daughter walked in and said “Mom, I don’t know what kind of party you’re planning, but I’m not coming.”
It was hilarious.
Ya know, I was in Wal-Mart the other night and spied a HUMONGOUS box of Pop-Tarts (holds 48, I think). If need be, you could always wear that over your head as a matching hood. Just sayin’…
I hate that feeling. The worst is when I go to the store and still forget to buy more snacks. If I do think of it, I sometimes talk myself into believing that I will only eat fruits and vegies from now on, but that’s the last thing I want at 4:00 in the afternoon!
Ah, see, this is testament to the fact that in your house, like in mine, people finish (or finish enough) a box of something and then LEAVE IT THERE. Not throw it out. Ugh.
Even worse than that is when you somehow end up with two cans of Pringle-mittens stuck on your hand and you have to call 911 because you didn’t preplan the event so you had no time to get married so that you had a spouse on deck to help you get out of these types of situations. It completely sucks!!!
Worst gloves ever? Cheeto dust. How does it stick like that? I think there is glue in the formula.
We used to wear the cardboard boxes from VHS tapes on our hands and box eachother with them. True story.
I love that you’re currently in love with Steampunk !
The mittens? Who among us haven’t worn Triscuit box mittens at least once? Just like the Bugles fingernails and Quaker oats box as slippers…….. uhh .. oh come on.. like Im the only one that has done that?? Im not.. right?
Or should that have been .. “who among us hasn’t worn ”
Fuck you grammar.. you suck!
The top blood splatter on the t-shirt looks like a kiwi bird?
Fortunately, the empty bottle of wine won’t fit over my hand.
Omg, I KNOW that last cat picture on Cats Who Look Like Pinup girls! It was from a children’s book or something and always creeped me out as a kid. It’s making me nuts not knowing what it’s from!! Curse you internets for giving me weird shit when I google “cats riding horses in striped suits”…
I’ve become obsessed with the Internet map…
And then when you do prise the boxes off your hands, the silvery bag-thing inside stays behind, and you’re left flailing around the kitchen trying to get the bag off your hand.
So apparently I’ve been haunted for years by pictures of dead cats that were not in fact dead…or rather they ARE dead now because their pictures were taken in the 1940’s, but were NOT dead when they were dressed up in cutesy little costumes for my nursery rhyme book. http://www.buzzfeed.com/ringdinger/25-vintage-cats-and-dogs-dressed-as-people-5evs
I am fairly new to your blog, except I read the big metal chicken post way back and then didn’t bookmark the page so I never really came back except occasionally I would google big metal chicken and laugh myself stupid. Then someone told me to read your book which caused me to nearly wet my bed when Jenkins came to school so I have been spending the last week or so back reading your entire blog but I think I broke because my internal dialogue has ADHD now and I only think in run on sentences. Also I keep thinking of Jenkins and laughing cause I love that mother fucking turkey.
It’s ALWAYS my kids fault when the triscuits are gone…always. Even when it isn’t.
My husband always blows these things out of proportion.
There are worse things to wear than empty snack boxes. Much worse. (And no, I won’t go into details..)
Story. of. my. LIFE! I swear I have little snack elves that pig out while I’m sleeping. Dirty little binge-eating bastards! I hope they washed their hands first! Lord knows I don’t need some crazy elf-disease!
I am totally pysched you saw “pictures that make you feel better rather then worse”. It totally makes me think you read my tweet to you about it. Even if you didn’t, I’m totally pretending it happened that way… kind of Nathan Fillon esque but less stalkery. Not that *you* were stalkery… this comment has gotten away from me. Thanks for being the #2 and wearing what makes you feel fabulous and inspiring the rest of us to do the same.
“Cats That Look Like Pin-Up Girls” made me laugh a little more than was probably necessary.
I had wine for lunch.
WITH. I meant *with* lunch.
Shit.
Yeah. I can relate!
Well at least it wasnt two empty cinnabon bags….
Have you noticed the Triscuits box is shrinking?
The price isn’t thought its like $5 for a box, right now you only get like 25 or 30 of those delicious little square morsels. How could this be enough to share?
I have managed to avoid this whole Box Mittens thing due to my husband always fetching me my poptarts. I wonder if he has worn box mittens…
This post, “Worst Mittens Ever” was immediately above someone else’s post, “Best Sandwich Ever.” How perfect.
Jenny- how could you do this TODAY? It’s Monday. I went to bed with a belly full of pop tarts swearing that I bought them for the kids and wasn’t going to finish the other three boxes this week. I love a sale too! Last September when they had the “send five UPC’s and we’ll give you a free box” started innocently enough. But then we had an embarrassing number of boxes ( be haze they had to be different flavors ( I feel the pain of the person stuck w the brown sugar one) and you can submit five per household, and that’s fifteen when I count my mother and my sister in Cleveland – and well there’s work but we know that starts getting dicey). Where was I again, oh yes boxes of pop tarts everywhere and I couldn’t really keep them with company coming and I don’t know about you but in my neighborhood everyone examines the recycling–and I’m a nutritionist with over 50 empty boxes of pop tarts so we know its almost a disease… And so I was forced to hide them under the regular stuff like healthy cereal boxes (yes I had one still). And now I have to have a pop tart and I still have four large boxes full which will make Texas sized mittens or a Texas sized me.. .i’ll start stopping eating them next week, this week is shot. Oh well good thin they’re chocolate chip and s’mores go great with my coffee. Guilt is for murderers– I’ll have my chocolate straight up thank you.
The cats who look like pinup girls made the Tiger giggle hysterically. They were fun for me, too, especially since I know who Alberto Vargas and fred Perry were. 🙂
Have to say, though, when we empty a box, we throw it into the recycle bin. So we just wear INVISIBLE snack mittens made of the boxes we WISH were still on the shelf but aren’t.
Ok, I will say, election stuff has me to my breaking point. I just want it all to be done & over with already, whoever wins. Love the rap video. It brightened my somewhat dark mood.
That reminds me when I used to crush soda cans while they were lying on their sides and they would wrap around your shoes and I would pretend like I was a robot. Lame!
You might enjoy this – I saw it this morning and instantly thought of your blog. just… click. http://www.justcraftyenough.com/2012/10/project-zombie-baby-head/
I would have been tempted to . . . well let’s just say the phrase “Box his ears” takes on a whole new meaning.
Better put some kleenex boxes on your feet for good measure.
I totally get the Triscuit mitten, but aren’t pop-tarts individually wrapped and therefore obvious when empty? I’m not a pop-tart connaisseur, per sé, but it seems you have very little excuse to be wearing pop-tart mittens, young lady.
What’s worse is when you discover you have mistakenly pushed the pop tart box to the back of the cupboard where it was forgotten and allowed to go stale!! Noooooooooo!
I have gotten my hands stuck in boxes of snacks when I close them over the goodies and then can’t get my hands out. I just get scissors and cut the box. If no snacks, I have been know to look through empty candy and cookies bags in the trash…just in case. If still no snacks, I drift into a major pity party.
I caught my son dancing around the living room the other day with an empty Pringles tube on each arm singing “I’m the crazy no-hand man, I’m the crazy no-hand man…” Obviously those ‘Baby Einstein’ videos were a colossal fucking waste of money.
Never believe your husband! He’s always responsible for eating the last of ANYTHING…
Trust me, I know.
I bet that big metal chicken sneaks into your house in the middle of the night and eats your snacks. I wonder what else he does when he’s in there? On second thought, it was probably the husband. I have seven kids, so I never find a full snack box. I assume they are all empty until proven otherwise.
I’m impressed you at least had a Trisket box on one hand. Way to (try to) get your fiber.
Jenny, you’ll be scared to know that I was thinking of you while I was on the other side of the pond in England. I just returned from our trip with two photos that I’ve got to share with you: a stuffed squirrel wearing a hat and holding a rifle. I’m pretty sure it’s right up your alley and since friends of friends received it as their wedding gift, I know they must be just as demented as you. How can I email this to you?
OK, this post is a little scary because I think you must have a hidden camera in my kitchen. I don’t have taxidermied animals around my house so I don’t usually feel this way about your posts (though I love them), but this, well….I read it and I thought “Oh yes, I DO know that feeling!” In fact, I was just wandering around my house with Triscuit mitts today (yes, no thanks to my kids it’s often possible to find not one but TWO empty Triscuit boxes in my pantry.)
J – Is that you in the video in the beautiful red dress – all those women are so beautiful – about two years ago I weighed the least I had in a long time – fit into smaller clothes, etc. No one said a thing and I wondered why. Now two years later, I’m 12 pounds heavier, but happier than I’ve ever been – and people keep telling me how good I look – I think I’m starting to believe that the number of the scale is truly just a number. Thanks for sharing the video!
I thought this might be something you needed to see… http://cat-bounce.com/ So awesome… if not a little wrong.
So I stumbled upon a Texas fashion blog tonight, written by someone at Texas Monthly and she profiled an antique store over in Fredericksburg (shouldn’t be too far from your neck of the woods, I imagine). The last picture in the post has what looks like could be a possible cousin of Copernicus? And some ferret buddies and a fish to keep it company. It’s kinda creepy, but awesome and I thought of you!
http://texasstyleandsubstance.blogspot.com/2012/10/fredericksbirg-carol-hicks-bolton.html
If you have a moment, can you please make the Juanita apron (http://www.zazzle.com/juanita_apron-154455162675210066) design available as a t-shirt?!?! I feel very strongly that I need to get it for Christmas for every woman I know……….
🙂
(Here you go! http://www.zazzle.com/juanita_weasel_shirt-235008744227350134?rf=238233029691800410 ~ Jenny)
HAHAHA. Absolutely, the worst mittens ever. You are hilarious and your husband is just fabulous too for having a dry sense of humor to match.
OK…we all know what’s most important here…what did you end up eating?
Victor is so lucky to be able to find his wife modeling all the newest fashions in his own kitchen.
They’re not the WORST mittens ever. You can totally pretend to be Iron Man or something with them if you have enough imagination.
And I hope you either recycled those boxes or gave them to Ferris which I suppose is a way of recycling them too isn’t it?
Mittens for the win! 😀
…I’m actually a little surprised our planet isn’t in the middle of a giant pr0n galaxy.
I have 2 kids. My pantry mocks me on a daily basis. It’s like I would imagine the pantry on a movie set to be..it LOOKS good, but really no substance.
That’s no moon, that’s mommyneedsacocktail!
It beats peanut butter jar mittens. Just saying.
my daughter likes to wear them as hats. have you seen these dead bird shoes http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2221867/Iris-Schieferstein-shoes-dead-animals-Lady-Gaga-loves.html
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I LOVE the zombie apocalypse shirts! I just ordered one for my husband for Christmas. It’ll be a great compliment to the machete he’s getting too.
You think that’s bad, you should see me with the Charles Chips can tub on my head.
Once I had long hair and it was annoying me while folding laundry, so I wore my husband’s clean tighty whities as a very nice du rag. I mean, it had a spot for my ponytail and everything. I imagine if I was also wearing snack box mittens, I’d joyfully coloring the walls of my room with crayons.
Never had that mitten experience. Scared for you a little.
What I really want to know is how you got those cute boys to wear your shirts.
And can you get them to take them off?
Can’t say I’ve worn empty boxes before. However, I once accidently stepped into a empty box of Rice Krispies. So you could say I had rice slippers. Does that count?