me: My allergies are killing me.
Victor: What are you allergic to?
Victor: Then stop smoking weed.
me: No. Ragweed. It’s a pollen or something. And it’s causing me to suffocate myself.
me: I can’t breathe. I’M DROWNING IN ME.
Victor: Unlikely. At best you’re drowning in mucus.
me: No. Because I’ve already blown my nose so much that my nasal tissues are all inflamed and swollen so technically my own body is smothering me. It’s like my nose has given up on life and is taking the rest of my body down with it.
Victor: Sounds bad.
me: It’s like a murder attempt that you can’t even report. BECAUSE THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
Victor: You’re making even less sense than usual.
me: That’s because there isn’t as much oxygen getting to my brain. It’s like my nose is trying to cut all the lines of communication. HELTER SKELTER, VICTOR.
Victor: You need to go lie down.
me: And it’s not just my nose. It’s my sinuses and my throat and my itchy eyes. It’s like my whole face is colluding together to kill me.
me: Is that a thing? “Collusion to murder?”
Victor: Not when all the parties are from the same face.
me: It should be. When I die from this I want you to make a new law that makes faces accountable for murder.
Victor: We’ll call it “Jenny’s Law”.
me: No. Call it “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”. That way people will look at it.