I’m slowly being murdered by my own face

in Random Crap, sickness

me:  My allergies are killing me.

Victor: What are you allergic to?

me: Weed.

Victor:  Then stop smoking weed.

me:  No.  Ragweed.  It’s a pollen or something.  And it’s causing me to suffocate myself.

Victor:  Um…what?

me:  I can’t breathe.  I’M DROWNING IN ME.

Victor:  Unlikely.  At best you’re drowning in mucus.

me:  No.  Because I’ve already blown my nose so much that my nasal tissues are all inflamed and swollen so technically my own body is smothering me.  It’s like my nose has given up on life and is taking the rest of my body down with it.

Victor:  Sounds bad.

me:  It’s like a murder attempt that you can’t even report.  BECAUSE THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.

Victor:  You’re making even less sense than usual.

me:  That’s because there isn’t as much oxygen getting to my brain.  It’s like my nose is trying to cut all the lines of communication.  HELTER SKELTER, VICTOR.

Victor:  You need to go lie down.

me:  And it’s not just my nose.  It’s my sinuses and my throat and my itchy eyes.  It’s like my whole face is colluding together to kill me.

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  Is that a thing?  “Collusion to murder?”

Victor:  Not when all the parties are from the same face.

me:  It should be.  When I die from this I want you to make a new law that makes faces accountable for murder.

Victor:  We’ll call it “Jenny’s Law”.

me:  No.  Call it “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”.  That way people will look at it.

250 thoughts on “I’m slowly being murdered by my own face”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. Two words: Neti Pot! Promise you it’s the grossest/coolest thing you’ll ever use, but it will save your life.

  3. Wow, this is happening to me too. You are not alone Jenny! We need a support group or something.

  4. I used to get random hives on my arms for no reason. They were good for entertainment value, I totally freaked out my high school algebra teacher once. And they tend to take you seriously when you show up at emerg. But yeah, I’ve been there with the whole face-trying-to-kill-you thing and it sucks balls. Mine went away when I moved to a different part of the country.

  7. Totally with you, Jenny. If enough of us call the cops they can’t ignore us, no matter where the call is coming from.

  8. I can completely relate to this! It sucks but I’m glad to know that I’m not suffering alone – misery loves company. I tried the Neti pot but it was an unmitigated disaster. Like the world’s worst tea party…. and there were no cookies. I have since gone to using the Sinus Rinse product by the same company. It helps a lot (use it in the shower – less messy) and no Alice in Wonderland flashbacks.

  9. I think you’d have to throw a unicorn in the title somewhere, just to make people not be able to look away. Because if there’s a government law about something apparently not real, like unicorns, people aren’t going to be able to help themselves!

    Hope you feel better soon!

  12. Ugh. You have my full sympathy! I’m dealing with some of that myself, plus in order to get to the my doctor it involves a 15 hour train ride each way. (But generally on the train rides, old Ukrainian men offer me homebrew, and nothing clears out those sinus faster than a swig of questionable moonshine!)

  16. when I was pregnant (a long time) ago my boobs were so ginormous I thought they were going to choke me at night while I slept

    another near self-homocide. I empathize.

  17. Thanks! I laughed so hard my sinuses cleared themselves. So, now I guess that throws a wrench in your theory because you could technically heal yourself. Just sayin…

  18. I would totally support a Treatsie on Time Traveling Ninjas. 🙂

    I have horrible allergies too, and then I got sinus surgery and they widened the little holes that drain the mucus. Way TMI I suppose, but it’s like night and day now. I can BREATHE. My face isn’t trying to murder me anymore!! You should see an ENT. Seriously. It’s good stuff.

  21. when I was pregnant (a long time ago) my boobs were so ginormous I thought they were going to choke me in my sleep.

    another near self-homocide. I empathize.

  22. I think the fire ants in my yard need to be convicted of hate crimes. I’m pretty sure they’re singling me out because every other person in the family can walk in our yard, shoe free and never even see a damn ant, but the minute I step into the grass, they swarm me. Right now my left foot looks like it has the plague from the 20+ bites I got last weekend. Bastards.

  23. Would the phrase ‘if looks could kill’ be included in the Treaties on Time-traveling Ninjas?

    Was in the exact same place two weeks ago, only I have no allergies, so my face and lungs were just in cahoots to knock me off.

  24. I agree, sinus rinse, but I prefer the squeeze bottle one that is made by NeilMed (they make a netti pot too).. but this one is EASY… and the advice to lay down.. that’s like Victor is an accomplice to the murder!!! UGH, Really can’t breathe when laying down!

  26. It’s a relief to know that this happend to other people, too. My sinuses will, without warning, swell in on themselves and try to kill me in my sleep even when there’s no mucus involved whatsoever. I’m incapable with sleeping with my mouth open, so you know, I practically suffocate when it happens. I blame nasal spray. Did you know it’s addictive? And you shouldn’t use it more than 3 days in a row? Well I didn’t when I used it as a teenager, and seeing as I don’t like suffocating to death, I used it too much one cold and now it’s like my sinuses remember it and crave it and try to bully me into using again by swelling shut. Nowadays, I must suffer through until I hit my peak of nasal suffocation, and just for that one night, I give myself a fix so I can sleep through the night.

    Feel better.

  28. I always get to be a boogery mess about this time of the year. But you know when I would really be in trouble? is if i was around all your cats when you are dressing them up in wigs. I am insanely allergic to cats. That would be a slow murder for me if anyone wanted to ever kill me.

    I don’t know what I would call that one since i don’t cats to go to prison. They are already overcrowded.
    Kiran

  32. Fall. Such a beautiful time of year when the leaves changes, and the cool crisp air combine to viciously annihilate our nasal cavities.

  34. My uvula is so swollen I think it’s trying to choke me, I get it!

  36. So, if your face does, in fact, kill you, would it be considered suicide? Maybe we should have you diagnosed with schizophrenia so they could say you were murdered. Then we could blame it on some creepy persona your brain created and Jenny would be off the hook. Or do you think she’d be considered an accomplice?

    Shit.

    I think we need to ponder these thoughts a bit longer, so please don’t die yet.

  37. I had my face pull this crap on me every day for 29 years. Misery doesn’t even start to cover it. I tried everything but the only thing that works for me is steroid nasal spray. Lovely lovely steroids, up my nose, every day and it’s glorious. Precious oxygen – how had we never been introduced until 2009?

  38. …just wait until you hit Austin’s Cedar Fever! Expect to spend January in bed! Yes, the whole month. (It hits many people in year two of living here.)

  40. I accidentally read it as Treats for Time Traveling Ninjas. If they show up on Halloween, I’ll totally have treats ready for them.

  41. I’ve been sick for a month, so I sympathize. I’m not certain how a body can possibly produce this much mucus, but it seriously needs to stop!

    Here’s hoping your face stops trying to kill you and that you feel better soon!!

  42. Jenny’s law is what we’d use if Victor killed you but since you’re killing you, Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas is the only way to go. There needs to be a clause about restraining orders not working. Your face refused to leave.

  44. I read that the physiology of nasal inflammation is the same as the physiology of an erection. So basically, not only is your face trying to kill you, it’s doing it while aroused. That’s really f*cked up.

    btw, that fact was gleaned from Bonk by Mary Roach, which I strongly recommend.

  47. This is the best description of nasal allergies I have ever read. It would have been complete if you had only added the hurricane-force sneezes that give you whiplash and break your ribs. It’s like being mugged by pollen on crack.

  48. But wait a minute…I thought you were murdered by a pony just last week…how do we know that your face isn’t just a patsy?!?

  49. OMG, I know exactly how you feel! My allerigies are conspiring to kill me too! Tell Victor not to wait. He needs to get started on Jenny’s Law NOW!

  51. That is my whole year ragweed, mountain cedar, grass pollen, mold I don’t have to watch the allergy report on KSAT or the other local stations I know the pollen count by my ability to breath. We moved to south TX an I am allergic to it. I take two allergy meds every day furring ragweed season I have to use an daily inhaler or activities like sitting cause me to wheez like a 60 yo carton a day smoker. It’s awful. What I’m trying to say is I feel ur pain.

  53. Sounds less like pre-meditated murder…and more like a simple case of your face melting off.
    Perhaps you should go and lie down in the freezer until you solidify again?

  54. I’m just recovering from a terrible cold – I was dealthy ill. I swear I was all out of snot and was actually blowing brains out my nose. Just yesterday I realized I could breath out of my nose again, and think coherently. There must be a link between level of stuffiness and brain power. Get feeling better soon.

  55. Don’t forget chain sneezing. One minute you’re a normal, average human being and the next you’re going for the Guinness World Record for non-orgasmic involuntary expulsions! You wonder if this if going to be your new normal (and you wonder if the Seven Dwarves have an opening) until finally it dies of its own accord and you look around, surveying the damage. I sympathize and I’m with you!

  56. Heating pad on the face.

    What? That’s how I start every comment I leave in the Internets.

    But seriously try something warm on your face, everything will get less strangley.

  57. I have the worst allergies ever so I can totally relate. It really is like your face is trying to murder you. Then they told me I needed sinus surgery and took my adenoids out without my consent. (Ok. My mom consented, but does that really count?) They told me that my symptoms would all but disappear. 4 years later and my hayfever still makes me look Admiral Ackbar. . No relief AND you stole my adenoids. Thanks a lot, doc

  59. Whenever I need to laugh I just come here!!! You rock..allergies suck – had to have shots most of my life, then suddenly they left me. I am thinking I had an allergy ghost living in me and they just got bored.

  60. I really do feel like there is NOTHING worse than a cold and no one takes it seriously enough AT ALL. They are all like, “Oh, just a cold. Sorry.” And you want to shiv them.

  62. yes the netti pot is a life saver, I use it every night before bed and can BREATH all night! It is kinda gross at first and sometimes it feels like your drowning your self, just keep your mouth open 🙂 Good luck!!

  66. Try holding an ice cube against the side of your nose. (One side at a time.) It will help reduce the inflammation and then you can breathe.

  67. I have never before read a more accurate account of what my allergies do to me. Thank you, Jenny, for your bravery in the “face” of such danger. You will always be remembered for trying to make the world a better place with your law. I salute you!

  71. Funny stuff. I feel the same way and just got diagnosed with sinus infection. Hang in there and I hope you feel better. Thanks for making me laugh.

  74. YES to all of that when cedar season starts in January, I’m already dreading it. Living in Texas sucks sometimes.

  77. I discovered this week that sleeping with my windows open was letting in all the pollen that germinates during the night & was causing my face to try to murder me. So, as a solution to it being too hot without the A/C inside, even though it’s only 60 outside, I am turning on my A/C at night so I can breathe. This is working great for the breathing issue, however, by 2am I’m too cold to get out of bed to go pee. So I wait under the covers until I have a “hot flash” so I *can* go pee & turn off the A/C, so I can go back to sleep. Needless to say, with all the sneezing and peeing, I’m not getting much sleep.

    Shut the windows at night and feel better, Jenny. 🙂

  78. I would TOTALLY read “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”~! Is it time travel if you’re transforming from one face to the other? I think it should be.
    I’m allergic to pineapple 🙁 LOVE pineapple. But have to be very careful around them!

  79. I agree with Lee. The Neti Pot is a lifesaver. It takes some getting use to, but well worth the effort it takes to get use to it. Saved my life (from my face) many many times!

  80. I know that line “Don’t cut your nose off to spite your face” is just advice, but in this instance it may help. Or is may hurt. I’m on the fence with this one. Best of luck! I live in the Ozarks so I have mucho sympytheo.

  81. I actually have an appointment with an ALLERGIST today, because yeah I get the hives too, for no good reason. Not sure what a good reason for hives would be… maybe for emergencies like airbags? or to get out of going to school functions?

    My husband has sinus/nasal allergies and swears by the neti pot, and I’ve actually had amazing success with acupuncture… talk about freaky.

  82. Victor told you to go lie down, that’s like he’s trying to conspire with your face to murder you! I’m going through the same thing and I find laying down is the worst position to be in, I find I am suffocating more that way than when standing or sitting!!!

  84. I feel your pain as I just recovered from a cold and cough that even after I got an antibiotics shot, left me coughing for more than 3 weeks.
    I used saline solution with a syringe in the nose and it works wonders.
    Hope you feel better soon!

  85. I don’t think it’s so much a lack of oxygen as it is snot displacing brain. If they did an MRI of my head it would show 90% snot pushing my entire brain into the corner that makes me still want beer

  86. A couple days ago I forgot to take my allergy meds. Was standing at the sink, coughing so hard I nearly barfed. And nearly peed at the same time. I HAVE to take Claritin D (store brand actually, is cheaper, and make sure it’s the 24 hour one) or I nearly die. Give that a try. I don’t recommend Allegra. It gave me stomach pains & headaches from hell like I was getting kicked in the head. Feel better soon, Jenny.

  87. I HATE that feeling! The swelling of the sinus tissues is the worst. I hope you feel better soon, and that your face stops trying to murder you. (My husband thinks my feet have designs on him because they dance around while I am deep in an otherwise immobile slumber…)

  89. I’m right there with ya, my allergies are trying to make my head implode 🙁 Hope you feel better soon.

  91. “I read that the physiology of nasal inflammation is the same as the physiology of an erection. So basically, not only is your face trying to kill you, it’s doing it while aroused.”

    …OMG. That’s nightmare material right there.

    And “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” is the PERFECT name for a law about being murdered by your own face.

  92. Advil Cold & Sinus (or any generic version thereof) is the miracle drug when that happens. You have to get the kind with the good meth-making drug, not the weak new shit. The pseudephedrine dries up the mucus and the ibuprofen takes care of any swellling. It’s totally worth being treated like a drug dealer to purchase.

  93. If you are allergic to RAGWEED – you may also have a sensitivity or reaction to the following because these are related in the botanical family: dandelion, calendula, echinacea, burdock, chamomile, boneset, safflower, coltsfoot, chicory, feverfew, milk thistle, mugwort, yarrow, valerian, banana, cantalope, and melons.

    http://voices.yahoo.com/ragweed-allergy-medicinal-herbs-5463463.html?cat=5
    http://allergies.about.com/od/fa1/f/melonoas.htm
    http://www.aafa.org/display.cfm?id=9&sub=19&cont=267

    Personally, chamomile causes my throat to swell, and years ago, I unknowingly used an eye makeup remover with this herb as a main ingredient. As a result, my eyes were swollen and closed for 3 days. Since then I’ve deliberately reduced my exposure to these “cousins” of ragweed.

  94. Time traveling ninjas? I would so pay attention. For like a second at least

  96. OH, that’s an easy solution – you just cut off your head and put it in the freezer until allergy season is over. Actually, you have to put your body in the freezer, too, or else it rots. Then, as Christmas draws near, you take everything out of the freezer and put yourself back together, being very careful to line-up all the correct blood lines correctly, and by Christmas day, you’re back to a regular shade of healthyish.
    Works like a charm.

  97. If time traveling ninjas come back to a time before they signed the treaties do they have to abide by the conditions set forth in the treaties?

  99. A claritan a day keeps the mucus away.

    But you have to take it EVERY DAY, even when you don’t feel sneezy. I always feel better after about a week, and then forget. The first couple of days, not much of a change. Someone told me they take two a day, but I’d consult a doctor …or try 2 a day out on Victor first and see what happens to him.

  100. My face tried to murder me over the weekend. Since it was unable to get the job done, it then hired my chest and lungs as hitmen to finish me off.

  101. I feel your pain. My legs seem to be allergic to my own sweat. In the summer time if my legs get too hot and sweaty, they swell up and get all red in this weird heat rash thing. It’s very uncomfortable to walk places. This is definitely a problem I am incapable of running away from.
    Feel better soon!!!

  103. YES Neti Pot! I cannot emphasize this enough! Totally natural, can use it as often as you want and it WORKS! Best stuff for allergies EVER. And yes, it’s kind of gross/cool/weird.

  104. Every 2-3 years my allergies get that bad. I try to prevent it with a Neti pot and Flonase, but when it gets really bad, I go get a Cortisone shot. That clears me up in a couple of days.

  106. yes, on the neti pot. but either boil the water first or use distilled…don’t wanna also get a brain eating bacteria.
    I had allergies so bad on the day of my wedding that my pictures had to be from a great distance to not be scary!

  107. OH! I know exactly what you’re talking about!!

    I take Zyrtec for allergies and when they were horriffic my doctor gave me a nose spray — one of the older ones — that reduces the swelling of the sinuses! Also, take advil to reduce the swelling, and alternate humid hot air and cold dry air, just like you do for kids with the croup. You have croup of the FACE! 😉

  108. Your next book MUST including a chapter on “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”. At least you think of every possible reason as to why you’re face is trying to kill you.

    They need to invent a cream or drug to stop the mass murders of faces killing people. It could be an epidemic. The inventor of such a cream or drug will be so famous. I could totally sue if someone does create such a thing because it was mine idea. You read it here first, folks….I invented the concept of cream or drug to solve the face murdering epidemic!

    Why isn’t there spell check on here – always have to open up an email to cut & paste my comments because epidemic is tricky….just sayin’

  109. I’ll add my vote for the Neti pot. Takes a little getting used to, but SO worth it! Also: Hot and Sour soup. MUCH more effective than chicken soup at opening up those sinus passages! You may need to experiment to find which allergy drugs work for you. Allegra works ok, but nothing stops the histamine reaction colder with me than good old-fashioned Benadryl. Yes, it makes me sleepy/groggy, although oddly enough, if I have allergies and actually have histamine in my system for the antihistamine to react to, I find it doesn’t affect me as much. Sleepy is an adequate trade off for “being able to breathe.” If I have to stay awake, 12 hour time-release Sudafed gets me through the day. It’s a decongestant, not an antihistamine, but it serves its purpose. Hope you feel better soon!

  112. I’m trying to figure out what color wristband your cause should have. I nominate the following:

    – A split-pea soup green, symbolizing the mucous. Ew. I just grossed myself out.
    – Red. Both the color of your nose AND the traveling dress project. Winner winner, ballgown dinner!
    – Tardis blue. Although, I must say, when I was in college I once convinced my brother-in-law to let me paint his nails that color of blue for Halloween, and the name on the bottle was “Cyber Blue.” It could be another whole advertising-on-the-sides-of-cats debacle.

  113. I know how you feel too! I rock the Neti Pot when I can, but sometimes my sinuses are so inflamed the water goes up but won’t come back out the other side! Until like five minutes later when you’re talking to someone and your nose pees all down your face. It’s really charming.

  115. “Not when all the parties are from the same face.” Oh god, that made me giggle. Victor’s awesome.

    Also, being a ragweed victim every August/September…I’m a fan of Claritin D (the shit you have to get from the pharmacist because they’re afraid you’ll make Meth if you buy too much of the good allergy meds). It’s the only one that dries out AND de-swells.

  117. Your conversations with Victor are my absolute favorite. I mean of anything ever. I really do think collusion to murder is a thing. But they would have a hard time with the trial because the main perp would be already dead. It’s like one of those funky mind games like which came first the baby fox or the mommy fox. But, I digress.

  118. I feel your pain. I just spent a month fighting off a sinus infection. My best advice is to irrigate your sinuses with saline, take some advil sinus to reduce the swelling, and then take some mucinex to cut down on mucus production. Avoid all dairy, it only makes you produce more mucus.

    Keep fighting the fight, don’t let the face win!

  119. I didn’t read the comments so if someone said this already I’m sorry. Powdered vitamin c saved my life one time when I had allergies. I don’t usually have bad allergies but rearranged some dusty books during the spring and was wheezing every time I breathed. I mixed 1/4 to 1/2 tsp of powdered vitamin c in a few tablespoons of o.j. a couple of times a day and voila! no more allergies.
    You can tell if you take too much vitamin c because you get diarrhea. If that happens back it off a little. Totally worth it, though.

  120. Allegra-D is my friend. And by friend, I mean “that thing that makes it possible to breathe while elevating my blood pressure beyond the ability of my meds to control so that I die of a stroke rather than allergies, so I have that going for me.”

  121. I wonder sometimes if it’s a good sign or a bad sign that my brain follows your natural thought processes as if they were my own. (Since I think that way too, I’ve decided two against one and we win. Plus we have tits. And tits always win. Every single time. )

  122. I’d say it’s a facial conspiracy. As for treating your allergies, though, I had some really spicy wings last night which left me able to breathe clearly for the first time in months. But I don’t recommend it because it made my tongue feel like it was on fire, my eyes teared up like crazy and when my nose finally opened up, I kept getting weird looks from the waitress because I was wiping my nose constantly. And for those wondering, I threw away my own napkins. I didn’t make her do it, which may have been what she was worried about.

  124. I’m another victim of “the ‘weed” wait till your lungs are the one’s trying to kill you. Those bastards are evil when they get pissed off.

  126. Imagine your mucus molecules traveling through your sinuses, and singing to themselves the lyrics to Helter Skelter.

    “When I get to the bottom I go back to the top of the slide
    And I stop and I turn and I go for a ride
    And I get to the bottom and I see you again
    Yeah yeah yeah “

  127. EAT LOCAL HONEY!
    You can get local honey at your health food store. Eat it however you’d like, and as much as you need. Because the bees use the local pollen to make their honey, it acts as a vaccination of sorts, lol.
    TRUST ME, it WORKS.
    My mom and my husband both suffered horrible hayfever, and have not had one itchy sniffle since they started eating local honey.

  129. Face murder would be hard to prosecute, though. I mean, it would pretty much always be a murder-suicide situation, right? Or suicide-murder … I’m not really sure if you or your face would die first.

  130. I think you need to make Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas a thing. Also, good luck on fighting the murderous face. I usually experience that attempt once or twice a year myself.

  132. I hate when I have sinus issues. I get paranoid because I’m always afraid I’ll end up getting an ear infection from the sinus drainage backing up into my ear canal.

    I actually had my eardrum rupture my freshman year of college when I got a cold and all that gunk backed up into one of my ears. The worst part was even after the stabbing pain in my eardrum subsided (after it ruptured and the pressure was relieved), I still couldn’t hear. Try going to lectures and not being able to understand half of what’s being said. God, that sucks.

    I finished my meds, still couldn’t hear. Ended up going to an ear, nose & throat specialist. I told him what happened and he had me hold my nose & blow (so he could find the spot where my eardrum had broken). When I did, he said “Oh yeah, I can see that stuff bubbling”, then proceeded to get the world’s smallest vacuum and suck all that crap out from behind my eardrum! When he got done, I could hear out of that ear again! He put me on heavy duty antibiotics and got the infection cleared up in no time.

    Now I don’t fool around when it comes to sinus blockage. I start having trouble, I’m on decongestants ASAP to keep from going through a similar ordeal again.

    I so did not mean for this to be so long.

  133. I’ve told you before to try NetiPot. Even if you don’t like it, the video of you trying it will be a big hit on your blog.

    So your choice – drown in your own secretions or risk drowning over a sink with a nasal saline solution with the second unlikely, that is drowning since there are no reported cases, but resulting in relieve.

  134. I see the comment about netipot. I read if you *don’t* used distilled water, you can get some virus that will eat your brain and kill you (obviously). It’s like a zombie virus. True story.

  135. Re: Neti Pot

    Actually it is an amoeba in tap or well water that causes the infection. In Jenny’s area every few years there is a case of the infection in a person who has been swimming in the rivers. It is rare, otherwise Schlitterbahn would shut down fast. Boiling the water than letting it cool to a tolerable temperature will kill any harmful bacteria, protozoa or amoebas.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naegleria_fowleri

  138. Neti pot. Give up dairy. I was so resistant to the dairy but it has changed my life. NO more allergies.

  139. If you’re allergic to ragweed stay away from marijuana and absinthe. Both are in the ragweed family. I only say this because absinthe is my partner’s favorite booze and so I got a bottle for his birthday one year. I had a glass and then proceeded to have a paranoid freakout where I was convinced spiders were taking over our home and he was going to leave me for the local newswoman. Also my face got really red and puffy, so to be fair I was really unattractive so he probably WAS thinking about leaving me for the newswoman. Anyhow, figured out I was having an allergic reaction (I also have ragweed allergies), took some benedryl, felt better, and then fell asleep on the kitchen floor.

    True story.

  140. I think we should take up a collection and pay to see a video of The Bloggess using a netipot. Proceeds can be donated to the fund for Savings the Faces of Time Traveling Ninjas

  141. First off…. a standing ovation. You two crack me up. (Or just you, hard to tell how funny Victor would be without you to edit him. Good job either way.)

    Second… my allergist harped on a food connection for inhalant allergies long enough that this year I tried it. I cut out eating two things on his list that are in related families to my biggest pollen offenders. And….dang, but if this year wasn’t as bad as others. I really miss bananas and cantaloupe but I’ll skip them again next year to see if it holds true.

  144. I just want you to know I was sitting in a silent classroom reading this. A religion classroom pre-class. And I was laughing out loud before I even realized it. Oops!

  148. GEEZ. Thank God I don’t have allergies. My neighbor is like you, always having trouble with being able to breathe. But she’s allergic to EVERYTHING. Her inner ear gets all swollen and clogged and she has to go to the doctor to have them drained and stuff. How bad would THAT suck… if your EARS were trying to murder you? Ew.

  150. Yes! Neti pot! It’s a freaky concept to pour water in your own sinuses but you just breathe through your mouth and it doesn’t feel like drowning and you’ll feel so much better!

  151. Thank you, Jenny. That’s exactly what it’s like to suffer from allergies (only you do it funnier). The next time I get an unsympathetic look of incomprehension from a non-allergy sufferer, I’m sending them here. So they’ll know how to report it to the police when my face eventually murders me.

  152. Completely there right now so I feel your pain. If the weather would stop shifting here I might be able to figure out if it’s just the allergies or if its also sickness developing.

  153. I’m allergic to dust. It is everywhere all the time. I’m on allergy medication everyday. Plus, I have sleep apnea. My body tries to kill me by NOT BREATHING every damn night. Can’t even take a nap without a machine to make sure I keep breathing. After looking at my chart, one nurse actually said, “Its like your body hates itself.” Thank you.

  154. My kids n me have the same snot-attacking-monster up here in Indiana. The doc gives us those allergy
    pills that the ‘chemists-that-work-from-home’ really want. wink, wink. The pharmacist lifts an eyebrow at us
    then ask for eleventy forms of ID and each of our thumbprints.
    Still doesn’t stop us from being strangled w/ ropes of snot that remind you of the 50’s version of The Blob. Although we do seem a weeeeeeeeee bit jittery. Brains vibrating on sheet metal with a jack-hammer type of buzzing in our snuffy heads.
    We refer to it as “The Snot-pocalypse 2012”. Also? We sound like a mix between Horshack and Felix Unger.
    Godspeed fellow snot-ninja!

  155. There is a reason they call an allergy attack… an ATTACK. When I have an ATTACK, I look like I had the crap beat out of me… and when I talk about an ATTACK, I emphasize the word ATTACK just like I am now.

  156. Ugh, this is why I hate spring/summer — that’s when my allergies act up and my face colludes to kill me. I feel your pain.

    And yeah, “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas” is a much better name for a law than “Jenny’s Law.”

  157. How many times can Victor say “You’re making even less sense than usual” before he realizes you always sound like that?

  158. Preaching to the choir sister! I take RX drugs, OTC drugs, use a neti pot, you name it… but still the ragweed gets me every time! Good luck!

  159. OMG Jenny, thank you so much for making me laugh everyday. Such a selfless soul, and you should be canonized immediately. Through your daily suffering and endless torture, you shine a ray of warm, glowing, goodness on our simple sad lives. And I thank you for it!

  162. Actually you’re pretty close to correct. An allergy is your body attacking itself over some foreign protein. In this case the pollen granules are attempting to mate with your nose and your body is saying “oh hell no”. [I’m close to finishing a PhD in immunology. Assuming my committee agrees that I should be graduating and such.]

    I’m currently quadrupled up on allergy meds: allegra, zyrtec, benadryl and something called eye itch.

    I had to stop saying “my face hurts” because Every. Frickin’. Time. The Spouse responds with, “well it’s killing me”.

  163. Oh Jenny (if you’re still alive and your face hasn’t murdered you), I know how you feel.

    It is Spring in Australia, and we started it with lots of wind so that the air was mostly pollen.
    I’m taking the strongest antihistamine that I can buy, and then needed expensive prescription nasal spray on top of that (which makes my nostrils feel like I’ve done too much cocaine or something). I should also use the eye drops I bought, but eye drops are hard.

    Do you realise that pollen is basically plant sperm? So technically, you’re dying from too much sexy plant jizz. If that makes you feel better.

  164. OMG it is so totally and completely murder. And how. When my allergies get all fired up and there is no benadryl to be found. (I call them bennies. Kinda makes me sound like a 60s druggie, huh? That could be bad. Aw, fuck it.) Anyhoo, when the bennies are nowhere around: it absolutely feels like my face is imploding on itself – or into my head. Or something really, truly awful. I’m totally behind this new law.

  165. i suffer from a ragweed allergy too! have you ever noticed that the more you scratch your eyes the itchier they are? (so you try with all you might not to scratch them!) the same thing goes for nose blowing: with allergies, the more you blow your nose, the more your mucus membranes get agitated. try to hold off on blowing your nose.

    wipe the snot off as it runs down your upper lip, just try not to blow.

  167. It’s Texas, Jenny. Texas does this to everyone. Ragweed, Rocky Mountain Cedar….whatever.
    And Musinex doesn’t work – sorry!!!

    Kathy

  168. I’ve been there! Oh my goodness have I been there. Thank you for the amazing long needed laugh. I will always remember this when my allergies flare up now. “The call is coming from inside the house!!!” Seriously, thank you!

  171. It’s like you can read my mind!! I completely understand where you’re coming from, I’m allergic to every tree in Ohio (where I live). I’ve decided that it’s Mother Nature getting even for some unnamed horror from past years or lives. LOL

    Hope you feel better soon!!

  172. Damn, never looked at it that way. My allergies have been patient, slowly wearing me down for years or maybe they’re just not as committed as yours.

  174. One of these days, we will get you for this Ragweed! And all of your little friends too!

  176. I’m being murdered by my own face too. And, it’s stabbing me repeatedly in the ear until I die.

  177. Do NOT listen to the people who tell you to use a Neti Pot. They’re trying to kill you. Seriously, I read that there are bugs, microbes, whatever, that are in water that you CAN’T KILL even by boiling the water, so if you use a Neti Pot, you’re injecting those things RIGHT INTO YOUR BRAIN. I’ll bet Neti Pots were invented by zombies to create even more zombies, and people are falling for it right and left. And then the zombies are laughing, except that you can’t laugh if you can’t breathe, so allergies are probably responsible for creating zombies, too.

    Either way, you’re screwed. Or a zombie. Or both. Sorry.

  179. God you people with allergies are SO melodramatic. Reading this was like having a conversation with my dad, who btw has horrible allergies.
    Funny but melodramatic.

  181. Sinusitis. I had it last night really badly and it made me have a nightmare about snakes. And then I couldn’t get to sleep because of:
    a) the snakes lurking in my dreams
    b) the pain in my face like someone had punched me over and over again in the stripe beneath my eyes.
    c) the thick, cloggy mucus constantly dripping down my throat.

    I feel your pain. My face hates me too.

  182. @Kelly 162,

    As I recall, it was an old episode of the webcomic Queen of Wands that referred to an allergy attack as, “It’s like a giant botanical bukkake, and I’m the little helpless schoolgirl tied to the chair!”

    Maybe ya had to be there.

  183. People without allergies just don’t understand. But I have something similar to a neti pot and it really does work.
    Also strangely I’ve written a book which I’m about to try and get published and the sequel will actually include time travelling ninjas – but I thought of it first so don’t sue me!

  184. The most stunningly accurate description of an allergy attack I’ve ever encountered in my entire life. Bravo.

  186. As a fellow allergy sufferer, I feel your pain!! I get to add an inhaler to my misery because my lungs or the airways that lead to them rather hate me. Those suckers get inflamed and close up, kiss your ass goodbye because there will be no more breathing going on. Hence the inhaler being my best friend this time of year.

  189. I agree! NETI POT. I’ma use mine tonight for the first time in months and I can’t wait.

  190. Sorry you are suffering. I’ve got something that will cheer you up – go check out the Kansas City Toy & Miniature Museum (facebook page). I saw some of their photos (especially of the creepy library), and thought of you and your elaborate miniatures. Enjoy!

  192. Whatever you do, don’t drink chamomile tea to make yourself feel better. It’s related to ragweed and can trigger an allergic reaction. That tea is sneaky evil.

  193. I have allergies too, and this is EXACTLY HOW I FEEL DURING EVERY ATTACK!! Except, I’m not allergic to ragweed, but rather dust, mold, mildew, and my mother’s house at Thanksgiving time (seriously, something in/around her house tries to kill me every year, only at Thanksgiving).

    Anyway, I love your blog, and your book, and I hope you feel better soon, because allergies SUCK.

  195. I snort Afrin like I’m Courtney Love until I lose my ability to taste and then suffer for a day until the rebound swelling goes down. It’s awesome.

    Damn you fall allergies.

  196. Hey Jenny!
    I live in Texas not far from your home town. I feel your pain. I have discovered something easier than the Neti Pot. Its a kit you can get at the pharmacy, target, or maybe even some grocery stores. Its called NielMed nasal rinse kit. Its easy to use, maintain, and all you need is the kit and distilled water. You can use it everyday to help maintain your breathability :). It may be gross at first, but it gets better. Look it up online and ck it out. I found mine at target and its affordable. I hope it works for you if you decide to try it.

  197. I know exactly how you are feeling. I had been pricked and prodded at so many times with needles for an allergy test, which was preformed by my doctor. This resulted in discovering: I am allergic to the earth. Sorry to hear you too are a victim of allergies. They really like to just pick and choose when to drop by.

    Kind of like your in-laws.

  198. What you need is Thai food with extra red chilis. Or just get a bottle of hot sauce and put it on everything. Best sinus clearing on earth!

  202. Jenny Lawson, I love you! You always make me laugh, today however I can only wheeze because of my allergies:) Try the Sinus Rinse, it really does help, just not the wheezing!

  203. Get a netti pot (an electronic one if you’re really feeling adventurous!). It won’t cure you, but it will give you one blessed moment of relief and remind you what it feels like to suck air through your nose!

  204. OMG yes. Allergies are the bane of my existence. I actually threatened to cut my sinuses out of my face a number of times until I finally learned that sinuses are technically already just big holes and thus…have already been cut out? For something that’s just supposed to be full of air, those things make life pretty effing complicated sometimes.

    I can’t even begin to tell you how many times in my life I’ve said “Don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”

    oh god that sounds horrible.

  206. Bwuahaha. The first three lines made me crack up. I’m sorry about the collusion to murder you by your face and hope you feel better immediately, because we really don’t need your face raising the crime rates. Oh, and your renaming of Jenny’s Law is absolute genius.

  208. I say take some benadryl and go to back to bed – that way the drugs can help and you’ll be asleep and not worrying about it! (Also as a soon to be pharmacist – sudafed helps with all of the swelling and congestion in your sinuses)

  209. I get appalling sinusitis and the worst thing is that now I’m pregnant, I can’t take the anti-inflammatory thingies that usually help. My substitute of dumping lavender buds into boiling water and breathing the steam from under a towel doesn’t actually help, but it makes my face smell nice. Not that I can smell it, but it makes the experience of me whingeing about it better for the people around me.

  210. Okay, if these are verbatim, you and Victor have the quickest wits ever.

    My two favorite lines – “Not when all the parties are from the same face.”

    And “Call it “Treaties on Time Traveling Ninjas”. That way people will look at it.” I know I would.

  211. I stayed home “sick” yesterday because of allergies. “Sick” is in quotes because people don’t consider allergies the same thing as being sick. I consider not being able to breathe and being THISCLOSE to ripping my entire face off with my fingernails as being sick.

    Also, I have a coworker who constantly suggests I use a neti pot every time I have a sniffle. Each time he suggests it, I want to buy a neti pot just so I can smash it into his head.

    Incidentally, allergies make me meaner than usual. Today is not a good day for breathing either.

  213. This is true…the only law with someone’s name that I ever pay attention to is Murphy’s Law.

    For good reason, too.

  214. Oh, I am the same way–I get incredibly stupid when I have sinus congestion and I’m positive it has to be from reduced oxygen flow. Multiply it by 50 if I take any cold medicine.

  215. My face has been trying to kill me for almost 2 weeks! Ugh! Tried the whole neti pot thing. Not working so well. Finally needed a break from the pain so my friend Vici (aka Vicodin) came to my rescue last night. Got to sleep and didn’t realize I was being killed by my face. Today… woke up and it’s still a life or death struggle. Damn allergies.
    Do you think one could live without sinuses? I’m down 2 tonsils, 1 ovary and an appendix. 🙂
    Feel better Jenny, I literally feel your pain. 🙁
    Not that I wish bad will on people but the next time Victor bumps his head or gets poked in the eye, just let him know he only 1/2 knows how it feels!

  217. It’s the Plague that is going around. My you’re body be healed or you get some really awesome weed which will help too. Feel better soon.

  218. When I contacted you I was 6 months into a bitter divorce battle. I thought that my marriage and family was ruined. I found your site and breathed a sigh of relief. Not only did you STOP MY DIVORCE AND BROUGHT BACK LOVE INTO MY MARRIAGE. It worked super fast sequel to the fact that you and your circle was there to help me and counsel me through every step of the process. You have helped me so much and I am happy to update you on our progress. Roy and I have reconciled and have since renewed our vows. We are stronger than ever. I am so happy that you were able to help me keep my family intact. Without you, I do not know what I would have done. Contact this temple if you need help via email lordshivaspells@gmail.com

  219. I didn’t have allergies until I moved back to Kentucky as an adult. Fucking Kentucky. They are at their worst only in Kentucky. Of course, in Texas I had issues with the whole Juniper/Sage family of trees and bushes. But Kentucky is the worst. Someone else said it in a previous comment, the west coast is the best place to be for allergies unless you are allergic to cedar; which I am – cedar causes immediate asthma attacks. But if you are not allergic to cedar, it’s great! 🙂 I think I’ve shared too much about my own allergies. Jenny, I feel you. May you find the right allergy medication/solution and not die. 🙂 We would miss you!

  226. No! No neti pot! Amoebas! You do not know the definition of paranoia until you learn about the amoebas POST neti-pot usage. It will make you come very close to giving yourself a lobotomy with a clothes hangar. And if you’re uninsured and your husband sees the stretched out hangar, he will never believe your explanation.

  227. Love the conversation. Yeah – the traveling Ninja’s definitely draws more attention. I would read it.

  228. In case you actually get this far down in the comments…saline nasal spray. No more suffocating, no more sore nose, and it’s cheap (buy the store brand). I keep a bottle at work, a bottle in my bedroom and a bottle in my bathroom. BEST. STUFF. EVER.

  229. I was suffering from the same, cruel, self-suffocation. Until today when I bent down to discipline our shepherd, but he objected and head-butted me in the mouth & nose. Sinus problem gone. Although you probably don’t want to try that.

  230. Did I tell you about the time my face attacked me to, see here
    http://tomstronach.blogspot.co.uk/2011/08/from-parachutes-to-shootings-to-polyps.html

    I had been to the dentist on the Monday and had a tooth removed.  On the Tuesday I was back asking him to check if he had missed something as my face was in agony.  He looked at me disdainfully [how dare this upstart accuse me of bothching, mind you I would probably have felt the same had roles been reversed] but he looked anyway and what did he find, nout, nada, nothing, but he did give me a pointer.  He said do you have problems with your sinuses, Sinuses, I didn’t even know what a sinus was let alone whether I was having problems with it, so he suggested a visit to the doctor.  So off I trot to the doctor and by this time my face is beginning to swell up as well.  Doctor looks at me examines me, and says, [knew her outside of surgery] well the swelling is a problem, but not to worry, you weren’t pretty to begin with, Ha bloody ha.

    Off I trot to hospital for an x-ray on the Wednesday, face is getting rounder and bigger by the hour, as is the pain,  pain killers are getting stronger until the Thursday, when I am on injections to knock me out as I am booked into the hospital for the Friday as they have discovered a growth in my cheek cavity.  Did the injections knock me out, don’t be silly, of course not Well they might have done for a while but ask @ishbelstronach where she found me at 2 am in the morning, where, Oh, at the bottom of the stairs from the bedrooms to the downstairs hall, lying in a heap unconscious.  How did she find me, did she wake up and discover I wasn’t there, not not really, sleep through world war 3 would she, unless it is one of the kids where only women and dogs can hear there wimpers in the middle of the night!

    No as I tumbled to the bottom of the stairs I landed by the phone but was still aware enough to call that horrible woman doctor Chancellor who cast aspersions on my good looks earlier in the week.  Realising it was me on the phone groaning and that the phone had gone dead with no dial tone she dialled our number until the ringing phone woke Ishbel up and got her out of bed.  In short order I was transported of to the local hospital in the wee small hours of Friday morning.   After being brought round from surgery I was informed by the doctor that they had pickled the problem and were going to use it in class,  it was a polyp apparently.  I had suffered a broken nose in the past and this had blocked up one of my nostrils.  The act of blowing your nose apparently prevents these things from growing, as they are present in everyone, so they tell me.  Anyway as I could not clear that particular route this thing had been growing for years and had started to grow so large that it travelled back up the sinus canal and then down in to my cheek cavity where coincidentally it was on the same side as where the tooth was that has been removed.  I could go on and tell you about the bandages that were stuffed up my nostril and the problems they caused….

  231. LMAO. I’d love to be a fly on the wall at your house, listening in on your conversations. But then I’d probably wind up stuffed and on the mantle next to Juanita. Anywho, you write about pretty much everything, so I don’t think I’m missing out on much.

  232. oh hon, after weeks of exactly the same hell I went to the doctor and described the problem… and that it was driving me up the wall, and needed to get some medication or something, anything to fix it. He said “oh I KNOW! That is the WORST! I get that too!” and he just looked at me… turns out there was no treatment, it’s a pollen allergy and the usual preparations don’t work.

  234. I SO relate. I am not going to even try to recommend any potential treatments. I’ve tried a million. Hope you are feeling better soon.

  235. I’m curious. If you died, with all of this bodily collusion stuff, would it be classified as a suicide? If so, that just sounds wrong. Still, I bet your insurance company would try to make a case for it. Cheap bastards.

  236. OK. I don’t work for anyone or have stock in anything, but my sinus doc did give me something that actually works for allergies: it’s a new powdered steroid nasal spray. I’m not gonna say the name except it begins with Q (just in case someone thinks I’m some old creepy dude in the bowels of some pharmaceutical company trying to pass himself off as cool because he reads the bloggess). So, ask your doc about it…it’ll change your life w/regard to allergies. Even better..it’s made by Jews. Leave it to them to find something good to go up your nose!

  237. I’m disconsolate. We tried to go see you at the Texas Book Fair, but there were no times listed. When we got there in the afternoon, we learned we’d missed you by three hours. 🙁

    Oh, well, I guess our gift to you is not hanging around outside whatever restroom you (might have?) retreated to, not banging on its doors, and not wailing, “Jenny, we love you, COME OUT AND HUG US!”

    What, too much?

  238. I completely understand this!!! I hate my allergies. However, I have been doing allergy shots for the past two years and they are tremendously better.

  239. We are on the other side of the known world and allergy season is here too.
    It’s very THE HAPPENING.

    My eyes are so red and swollen today that people keep asking me if “everything is alright at home”…

  240. This is the kind of thing that makes me a creepy mouth breather at least two seasons of the year. My sympathies.

  244. So…my friends and I have been saying “is that a thing” for years now. Stop stealing our cool phrases. Also my girlfriend likes you but I think you are not funny. #yourewelcome

  245. I, too, can vouch for Neti-Pot. It will change your life. Just make sure you use bottled or distilled water… do NOT use tap water.

  246. This post pretty much describes my last few weeks of feeling like shit. Either I’m crippled over in pain, tossing my cookies, or my throat feels like Freddy Krueger is ripping it to shreds… On the plus side, if you’re law gets passed I could sue my esophagus!

  248. Yep, my allergies also try to kill me… I sometimes feel they have teamed up with my depression and OCD to form an axis of evil hell bent on trying to destroy me.

  249. I would like to charge my face with repeated counts of attempted homicide. The exact same things you described, and more, happens to me every few months. My face hates me.

Leave a Reply

MY BOOKS:


shop

Subscribe to the bloggess, y'all.

Enter your email address and receive notifications of new posts by email. It\'s like I\'m stalking you, but more efficient.

Archives

ALL THE COOL KIDS ADVERTISE HERE:

I fucking love these people & not just because they support my wine-slushee habit:

Flourish in Progress: (T)hug Life: Part hood. Part good.

Pregnancy Calendar at Alpha Mom: Amalah’s week-by-week guide to the miracle of pregnancy and all the various indignities that come with it.

The Mack Files: Digesting life in bite-sized pieces through the lens of clichés, quotes & “truisms”.  Often irreverent, always honest.

Barking at the Moon: If your dog is your furry child, you will laugh out loud at Tracy Beckerman’s book about her family & a one-dog wrecking ball named Riley.

Kieran’s Humor: Not suitable for children, the sensitive or those hoping to get into heaven.

Go Doc Yourself Podcast: When a good doc ends, the klatch begins… Join hosts, scientists, and friends, Erin McCourt and Erin McCartt in weekly documentary dissection.

Welcome to xanaru: A mostly funny blog about the quest for happiness through authenticity, Great Danes and indiscriminate swearing. Plus hand-painted, custom artwork on bags, jackets, backpacks & more.

How the Hell Did I Not Know That?: Humorist Lucie Frost shares daily Instagram reels with learnings of the day—words, music, whatever–with plenty of laughs and all the curse words.

Beautiful Writers book: Writers! This coming-of-career memoir (w/ the BEST advice from celeb authors, real shit you haven’t heard) is life. A page-turning beach read doubling as how-to. #Magic

The Dating Days of Marta O: When I told my sister I was building a blog she said: “Do people still read blogs?” I do not know, but if YOU want to read it, here it is. Keep in mind, my stories about dating after 40 are for the brave.

Where Do I Belong? A memoir of Sarah Carrington: The unbelievable story of growing up in a religious cult in the mountains of Northern British Columbia. What happens to you in life doesn’t make you strong; rising above it does.

CONNECTED: A Personal Journal for Ketamine Therapy Created by writer & patient Katherine Davis for this powerful clinical treatment. If considering ketamine for major depression, check out this essential tool.

Hyperbole and a Half by Allie Brosh: SO GOOD.

Discover more from The Bloggess

Subscribe now to keep reading and get access to the full archive.

Continue reading