And then I had an accidental lesbian encounter at the movies

Dear-woman-I-badly-felt-up-at-the-movies:

Hi.  You don’t know me, but I’m the woman at the movies who accidentally groped your boob. Here’s the deal.  I had to pee and so I was in a hurry to run out and get to the bathroom so I didn’t miss anything, and I had my hand out at arm level to push open the door of the theater and then I heard vomiting behind me and so I turned around to see who was throwing up, and that’s why I didn’t notice that you had opened the door (probably on the way back from the bathroom yourself) and that’s why my hand was out and I was rushing forward and inadvertently grabbed your bosom.  I apologize if this was your first lesbian experience and it was accompanied by the soundtrack of vomiting, but that was really more the fault of the movie than me.  Also, I wouldn’t even mention it except that when I accidentally grabbed your boob I felt something mildly lumpy.  It’s probably nothing but you might want to get yourself checked out.  Also, I often get popcorn stuck in my bra during movies so it could totally be that.  Or maybe you keep your phone in there.   Me too.  But technically that can cause cancer since they say that phones cause brain cancer and if you keep them near your boobs they probably cause boob cancer?  Except, wouldn’t phones cause ear cancer if it was really the phones fault?  Because you never hear of ear cancer.  And now I’m confused.  Probably because I’ve had too much to drink.  Which is why I had to go to the bathroom in the first place.  FULL CIRCLE.

I’m just saying, check your boobies.  For both of our sakes.  Also, sorry about the groping, again.

Hugs,

me.

210 replies. read them below or add one

  1. *applause*

    I really can’t think of anything else to say.

    KimikoMuffin recently posted 2012/10/16: Some kind of pun about how I saw the doctor today.

  2. Not that I’m trivializing your lesbian encounter or anything, but what movie?

  3. Ahhhhhh…. If only I had a dollar for every accidental lesbian groping.

  4. Jenyy, you made my day. Only you could make a funny story into a breast cancer awareness PSA during October.

  5. Long time reader, first time commenting. I sooooooooooooo needed that laugh. thank you, thank you, thank you.

    CM recently posted Scheduling Conflict.

  6. I guess there are worse ways of having a lesbian encounter than accidental boob grope-age to the sound of barfing…? Always look on the bright side, and all that.

    <3,
    -J

    P.S. For her sake, I really hope that lump you felt was just some popcorn.

  7. Way to go, me. I’m so sorry I mistyped your name.

  8. So I lost my eyesight back in 2008 and my God did I feel up a lot of women when they did human guide with me before I got my guide dog. I never felt lumps though. And then my friend got a boob job and I was like, but how can I check them out? So she put my hands on them. That was weird.

    What movie made people vomit?

    Ro recently posted Doggy Diaries – A Few Fun Dog Links and Brief Clicker Story.

  9. Ohhhh, yeah. A vomiting soundtrack to a lesbian encounter is *never* a good thing. I hope she isn’t traumatized.

    Kammah recently posted Buoyancy.

  10. Wel, breast cancer awareness month. Nothing wrong with a little friendly boob grab among strangers.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Mean girls suck..

  11. Its nice of you to warn her that she was a little lumpy. I’m sure that totally makes up for the fact that you kind of molested her. But hey, you might have just saved her life, or pointed out the embarrrassing popcorn-in-the-bra. I forget where I was going with this. Either way, I think that could only happen to you.

    Rachel recently posted Dreaming.

  12. It would have been hilarious if she let out a quick, muffled moan. You know, for extra awkwardness.

    Banana Stickers recently posted Take Off Your Pants Humor (WARNING: This post will make you itchy.).

  13. Reminds me of the time I was trying to point to the exit at a Justin Timberlake concert and suddenly my finger was in another woman’s nostril. Also – congratulations Justin and Jessica.

  14. Ha! Well that’s better than the vagina thing I was picturing. I’m glad you could clean that up for me before bed. Thank you.

    Kim recently posted Free Advice Friday! Places to quietly cry..

  15. You want ear cancer? Read “There’s A Flying Squirrel In My Coffee.” Bill Goss. Rocky the flying squirrel. Cancer.

  16. Story of my life.

    Awkwardly Alive recently posted Blogger Tried to Break Up With Me!.

  17. 17
    Elizabeth M.

    #1 – I need to know what movie so I never see it. EVER. I hate vomiting.

    #b – I was diagnosed with a skin cancer this week (yes, I’m calling it a cancer, like how some people call it “the cancer” and whisper while saying it), so in addition to feeling yourself up, please do wear your sunscreen. And check out your body for suspicious looking moles. This fvcker crept up on me all sneaky like somewhere that I can’t see it (the back of my left arm), so USE A MIRROR and look everywhere.

  18. I love me some Jenny Lawson!
    Can I go to the movies with you next time? Please?
    Yes, okay, great I’ll buy the drinks.

    Sheila recently posted Friday’s Letters.

  19. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

  20. I accidentally touched butts with a woman in the locker room at the gym earlier this year. I didn’t know whether to apologize or pretend it didn’t happen.

    Eventually I opted for getting dressed as fast as possible and getting the hell out of there.

    Kari recently posted I am Locutus of Borg. Resistance is futile and stuff..

  21. ***slow clap***

  22. This is how we came up with the term Lesbian Tuesdays at my job.

  23. She could be a nursing mom and have milk in her breasts. Not sure how old she was. So if she was nursing, you should probably apologize to the baby too for touching their dinner.

  24. I’m not so sure this counts as a “lesbian encounter,” but it is definitely a “Lawsbian encounter.”

    alonewithcats recently posted This is why I shouldn’t be allowed to meet celebrities.

  25. BRAVO…even if it was you tht Jenny groped….check for those lumps!!!!

  26. But see, even through the awkward lesbian encounter, you sought to provide a service. Miss Lumpy Boob should be thanking you. You may have saved her life!

    Katie recently posted Friday Fall Fun Swap.

  27. Maybe the grope-ee was a Lawsbian (but not necessarily a lesbian) in which case, the encounter was totally cool.

    MsDarkstar recently posted The Right Resources.

  28. All I saw was boobies.

    BOOBIES,
    BOOBIES,

    BOOBIES.

    That is all.

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Amanda Todd, Bullying, and Bullshit Committees.

  29. I’m sure she understands it was not your intent to feel her up.

    Personally, I’m amused when people accidentally nudge a boob or graze a butt and suddenly panic, like they’re thinking I’m gonna start hollering “SEXUAL ASSAULT!!” or something. I realize a) accidents happen, and b) both my boobs and my ass occupy a not-insignificant amount of space. Really, I’m more impressed when people don’t nudge them, especially in cramped quarters. It rather denotes a pretty decent DEX score.

  30. See, ticket prices have gone up but so have the amenities. Nice job.

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted Thursday: Amazing x2.

  31. Any time I feel the urge to laugh until I almost pee my pants (which happens to be often), I look at your blog. My husband looks at me like I’ve lost my mind, as i laugh hysterically….and sometimes shed a few laughing tears. Your blog is one of my favorite things….and it’s not every day I see another person who likes the Dresden Dolls! Keep it coming!! xoxo

  32. So, really you were just performing an act of community service. And, forgive me if I’m wrong but, isn’t it breast cancer awareness month? So…you’re totally fine!

    Jane recently posted Whistle Hollow Farm.

  33. You should really check out a movie theatre in a better part of town. Also, if you weren’t something in a godawful shade of pink it doesn’t count as a boob cancer PSA. Just saying.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted What's the Opposite of "Howdy"?.

  34. I have accidentally grabbed boob on more than one occasion. It’s always awkward and I always assume the woman I’ve felt up thinks I’m doing it to see what full-grown boobs really feel like.

    Also, that is the best argument against the whole cell-phone-causing-cancer thing I’ve ever heard.

    TriGirl recently posted Masters of the Swim Universe.

  35. I totally keep my phone in my bra sometimes, and I always worry that I’m going to cause myself some boob cancer, but do I let little things like impending doom stop me? Oh, no! Perseverance, that’s why.

  36. I think I would’ve been surprised, but not aghast. Not the worst random thing to happen to a boob o’ mine (that, to date, was probably my dog stepping on my nipple when I was laying on my side in bed, holding the blanket up for her to lay down).

    So…what movie was it?

    Jen recently posted Yoghund Frozen Yogurt Dog Treats Recall.

  37. Check your boobies, her boobies, his boobies…everyone do a boobie check now!

    Juliejulie recently posted How I met The Bloggess and her real best friend IRL at BlogHer.

  38. Yeah, you really don’t see accidental gay male encounters. “Sorry I was running along with my hand at crotch level because… uhm…. yeah I got nothin. ”

    There are also rarely accidental prostate cancer exams.

    Todd recently posted Who You Callin’ a Trashy Vagina?.

  39. I think she saw and open hand and went for it.

    mousebert recently posted Cleese, Feldman – Annoying Train-Passenger (expigated version).

  40. What movie was it? Us emetophobes keep track of this sort of thing.

    (Pitch Perfect. ~Jenny)

  41. From this day forward, all my monthly breast exams will be referred to as ”doing a Lawson.” Maybe we can ask Susan G komen to make you the new spokesperson for self exams.

  42. She did it on purpose. I know; my boobs seem to molest people all the time. It’s probably because, being a 38dddd, they like to move around a lot, you know, just checking out the rest of the world. Boobs are just inquisitive by nature, and really big ones are like big-footed puppies just bumbling into unsuspecting people’s hands. Thank you for petting them instead of just shoving them down.

    Lynne Thomas recently posted I might make somebody mad, but….

  43. Hmmm. I’m confused about the vomiting, but whatever turns you on, girl. Were they real?

    Melanie recently posted Sun-Soaked Adventures.

  44. Best. Letter. Ever. Or maybe I don’t get much mail. I don’t know.
    Either way, it’s fantastic.

    Sisifo recently posted Left to Burn.

  45. I think your advice to the gropee that she get her “boobies checked” is probably sound. However, if she was particularly receptive to the incident, she might rather opt to save the co-pay, and invite you to join her for an upcoming movie night.

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS - # 9 - Pseudos Pt. 1.

  46. You crack me up!! Thank you for a wonderful end to my Friday night recovering from a cold!!!

  47. A boob to boob encounter is so intimate….where else can you connect in nipple-a-nese? You may have saved this persons LIFE!

    l

  48. Maybe you should post this on Craigslist. Just in case she goes there searching for answers…

    Heather recently posted Is you Is, or Is You Ain’t a Lady?.

  49. This could really be a Public Service Announcement with the butterfly and rainbow thing! Good Job!

  50. Hella grope to notice a lump ; )

  51. 51
    KAREN_BR0_IN_CA

    And when was the last time you heard about someone with hand cancer?

  52. Was it really an accidental lesbian encounter or baby, were you born that way?

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance and The Creative Uses of Twitter.

  53. No, mobile phones don’t cause brain cancer. Or ear cancer. Or even breast cancer. But yes, do check yourself out.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Magpie heart.

  54. Wow–just wow.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Do not say my name!!!.

  55. Oh my God. Takes a whole new spin on getting felt up at the movies. Even your accidents are funnier than my actual life right now.

    Southern Girl recently posted Mini Update.

  56. I want to go to the movies with you……

    goosh recently posted Go Ahead, Kick Me When I'm Down.

  57. All I can say is, if I were to be accidentally groped by a straight woman in a mistaken lesbian encounter, it would have been nice if it were you!

  58. Oh I needed a good laugh after my day. I have been on the giving and receiving end of many an accidental (or was it?) lesbian encounter. These boobies are just always in the way, there are times it just can’t be avoided! They’re used to a little accidental groping.

    bunnyface recently posted The 1950's Housewife: Pumpkin Pumpkin Cupcakes.

  59. Least you coulda done was offer her a lap dance to get the full lesbian encounter. Sheesh.

    Amber recently posted Boobies.

  60. You always know you’re still doing alright in Theater Etiquette when you remember to care about the health and well being of those you inadvertently fondle, trip over, run onto, and/or step on in the theater.

    Jessa recently posted Apple and Tree.

  61. Your bases? Covered. :)

  62. My best friend is like a triple E. This happens to her ALL the time. Me, a chicken cutlet enhanced B, never.

  63. Best boob groping apology ever.

    Issa recently posted Day 53 - My Vagina, My Business.

  64. This is why for Breast Cancer Awareness Month at my college one year, we sold t-shirts that said, “I ♥ Boobs” on the front and “Check them or I will!” on the back. Certainly raised a lot of eyebrows on my conservative Christian campus, but I’m not sure that even the awesomely forward-thinking women’s group could have predicted you, Jenny. :)

  65. Just another typical Friday night, huh?

    Cheryl D. recently posted Very Adorable, But a Lot of Work.

  66. Hey, so like, what movie was it?

  67. Who knows, maybe she was thinking “I hear vomiting and a strange women runs up and wipes her hand on my breast, God, I hope her hand was clean.” Probably spent the next 5 minutes slouched in her seat trying to discretely sniff her boob for residue.

    Love how you close with ‘Hugs’.

  68. My friend and I both got felt up by a lady passing out flyers in Hong Kong this week. Neither of us mentioned it at the time but later we were all “that lady felt me up!”. We decided we hope it was good for her and maybe since my friend and I were together she just assumed?

  69. You shouldn’t grope and tell!

    Stephen Battey recently posted 500 words about the Defense of Marriage Act..

  70. This reminded me of how I felt someone up this summer…I’m horrible at the European kiss-hug, and a woman gave me a kiss hug while I was sitting. In turning around to reciprocate, I ended up with my hand fully on her boob for a long time. I truly had no idea that it was there (not a big bust). I forgot about it. A couple weeks later I met her for a group dinner and she totally ignored me. I couldn’t figure out why, until I remembered my accidental lesbians moment.

  71. So we went from movie, to boob groping, to breast cancer commercial, to peeing…

    Let’s see…did I leave anything out? O.o

  72. Thanks for the apology and for the heads up on the lump. You’re my hero!

    OH! NO! It wasn’t my boob, I just appreciate that you posted this because it totally made my day!

    Jacqueline recently posted Day 3: A Stability Ball Tries to Kill Me and I Defeat a Restaurant!.

  73. 73
    janellionaire

    people are constantly accidentally getting to 2nd base with me. I just tell them that the first one is free.

  74. it’s so funny you should mention running to the bathroom during movies, because I just found the perfect app for movie peeing this week. It’s called RunPee. I am totally not making this up. it tells you the best times to leave the movie theater to pee, how long you have to pee, and how long it will be until the next best time to pee. not only that, if you sync it to the movie it will tell you what’s happening while you’re in the bathroom. someone is brilliant :)

  75. Did you not consider that it may not have been a cancerous lump? She may be one of these people who takes her pet mouse to the movies and you have have just crushed the wee beasties head in your attempt to give vent to your lesbian feelings that may be surfacing due to all the silly questions that Victor has been letting loose at you recently. She no doubt, would not want to ‘out herself’ as sneaking an unpaid audience member into the theatre and therefore had to sit through the rest of the movie as her poor dying pet expired!

    But she should still check for lumps, just in case!

    Tom Stronach recently posted Book Review: A Game of Proof by Tim Vicary.

  76. I hate it when I have accidental drunk lesbian encounters!

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Don't look at this if you are my husband.

  77. 77
    free manual breast-exams

    just want to announce I’m opening a non-regulated manual breast cancer checkup to any and all women between the ages of 18 and dead. no zombies or corpses.

  78. Have totally done that! At work though and without the vomit soundtrack.
    I was talking with someone in the hall and had my arm out, she opened the door and I kept on going forword looking behind me, talking. I was mortified and couldn’t face her after that….she was pretty full, too!

  79. See now…you are just so sweet. That was a very thoughtful apology. I especially appreciate that you shared it with all of us. You’re the best…thanks!!! ;-)

    Kristen @ The Balanced Bowl recently posted Walking for Weight Loss.

  80. compared to her accidental breast check, the vomiting is really left unexamined in this tale. I mean I see people vomit in the New Orleans airport all the time, but the movie theater? so many answered questions…

    the vomit…hilarious backdrop to an already funny encounter

    Christine from FLY FISH CHICK recently posted Oh Yeah, We’re Realer Than The Easter Bunny. Word..

  81. One of my ex-boyfriends died of ear cancer 2 years ago. And it was the ear he held the phone up to. And yes, he was always on the phone. So I guess we should all stop talking. On the phone. Or in general.

    Suzy recently posted No Kidding.

  82. It’s perfectly normal to experiment Jenny. You don’t have to come up with elaborate cover stories. ;)

    downfromtheledge recently posted Violated by my cat..

  83. Groping for Boobies – it could be a new reality show on VH1.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted This baby is evil.

  84. Wait, there are movie theaters out there that serve alcohol? Where are these places and why am I just now finding out about them?

    (Yup. And they are awesome. ~ Jenny)

  85. when i’m having a rough day and I need some cheering up I just come to your blog and I’ve forgotten why i’m grumping :)

  86. They’re real and they’re Spectacular!

  87. Hey, Scott, I have two alcohol serving movie theaters within a 30 minute drive from my house. Of course I don’t drive there since that would be illegal, with the drinking and all that. Yeah, I get someone else to drive so they get the ticket instead of me.

    Lynne Thomas recently posted I might make somebody mad, but….

  88. It was probably Pitch Perfect – 2, count ‘em 2 – scenes with vomiting. HATE! But funny story. Sorry lumpy boob lady.

  89. I accidentally groped a full male package as I was falling down while skating. I was about 13 or 14 and so was he. I didn’t know him. My hand just kinda flew back and grabbed. Fortunately I didn’t hold on or squeeze or anything so I didn’t hurt him. But I was horrified. It was probably his first sexual experience that was not self-helped. I doubt it was good for him.

  90. You know it just made her whole life, don’t you? Getting to 2nd base with The Bloggess is the best thing that has happened to her all year.Trust me.

    thedoseofreality recently posted Head to Head: Best of the 1980′s Fads.

  91. Thanks for contributing to breast cancer awareness! Or popcorn-in-the-bra awareness, whichever applies!

    Kathleen recently posted Sweetgum Sadness.

  92. Troubling on several levels.
    1. who turns around to check out vomiting?
    2. who goes to movies where vomiting is a likely outcome?
    3. who keeps a phone in their bra?
    4. is this why I often think that breasts are calling me?

    Jonah Gibson recently posted Curating a Bucket List on the Fly.

  93. “The Accidental Lesbian.” Sounds like an Anne Tyler novel. :)

  94. It was me you groped Jenny, my boobs, I mean. I did have something lumpy in there, but that was just my homemade mashed potato bra. Mystery solved.

    Girl to Mom- Heidi recently posted Funny Camp Letter.

  95. 96
    mydogfartswhenshebarks!

    Oh how I needed a good laugh this morning. Thank you, Jenny! I came to your blog to read the newest comments to your last post only to find a new post! I was surprised and elated! I have noticed that lately new posts come out on Wednesday’s and Sunday”s, so finding one on a Saturday was blessing.

    The additional fact that it caused me tears of laughter made my day! My weekend may turn out great after all.
    :-D

  96. I never accidentally grab some dude’s johnson. Just saying.

    Billy Dennis recently posted Internet trolls target 12-year-old girls on the ‘Net … and this is news?.

  97. You know, if the movie ended up being horrible, at least she walked away from it with an awesome experience.

    Brea recently posted Best Search Terms EVER!.

  98. You get to drink at the movies in Texas?

    Cindy - The Reedster Speaks recently posted In which I take the girls to the park and everyone cries..

  99. 100
    Mrs. B. Roth

    Love your writing. You always make me smile. If your’re ever in Austin, come on over. I’ll make chicken. Maybe someone will throw-up!

  100. Oh my, these things just happen I guess

    Stephanie recently posted Curly Hair: Blessing or a Curse?.

  101. Awesome! Way to be service oriented at all times! :)

  102. Speaking as someone who regularly gets felt up (accidentally usually), I’m sure she wasn’t overly offended. Also, I’m sure she was more in shock that she was seeing the great Jenny Lawson in the flesh (while you felt up hers). It’s all good! :-)

  103. Why can’t *I* ever have a lesbian encounter with a best-selling angst-ridden taxidermy lovin’ author who saves me from cancer? Nothing good ever fucking happens to me.

    RachRiot recently posted Boo Ya!.

  104. Perfection. Great way to start my day. Yes, it’s nearly noon, don’t judge.

    Jen recently posted Book Obsessed.

  105. Nothing ever that exciting happens to me at the movies. I need to move to Texas where apparently 2nd Base is viable possibility. ;-)

    Maura @ Eve Was Partially Right recently posted Clean Eating Principles - A Handy Reminder.

  106. Such a considerate person to send along such a heart felt apology.

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Friday October 19, 2012 – Feel Good Depot Idiot of the Week.

  107. Until this moment, there has never been a time where spitting up my coveted chai tea latte due to uncontrollable laughter has been quite so worth it.

  108. I’m kinda bummed because the girls are really small, so if I was accidentally groped, the groper probably wouldn’t even know they touched a boob.

    So I know accidentally butt-dialing some is a thing, I wonder how many calls 911 dispatchers get from boobs?

  109. Shaking my head, for real

    Karen Sanders recently posted AMA.

  110. It is breast cancer awareness month, right? You’re just doing your part.

    Carrie - Cannibalistic Nerd recently posted Super Friends Season 2, Episode 8, Storyline A – “The Invisible Menace”.

  111. That’s funny. And exactly how I met my current girlfriend. Except she groped me and was actually the one vomiting. Ahhhh…great times at a movie theatre that serves a copious amount of alcohol.

  112. I almost choked on my cereal reading this. I love it. :)

    Ellen recently posted ~Custom Handmade Earring Designs~.

  113. I am extremely prone to clumsiness and therefore have accidentally groped many a woman and man, but I’ve never found any lumps. Kudos for giving her a heads up ;).

    Meg recently posted Adventures in Spatial Reasoning.

  114. Awkwardly felt up to the background music of violet hurling??? Hmmm, pretty much sounds like my entire college experience

  115. I did something similar once in high school, except I was reaching behind me to pull the classroom door closed and instead got a handful of a guy’s junk :-/

  116. I’m sure she didn’t mind, but really, if you’ve had too much to drink, is it really a good idea to look AT the person spewing behind you? That kind of thing is kind of like yawning isn’t it? ;0

  117. She should consider consider herself lucky, being groped by the Bloggess like that. I would. The vomiting part was a little weird, though.

    BTW nice timing what with Breast-Cancer Awareness month and everything!

    FEEL UP YOUR BOOBIES!!!

    Kristen Mae recently posted Idiots With Viable Uteruses and Why I Want to Learn Korean.

  118. At least you gave her a public apology. It’s clear you meant well.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted A Quick Update from the City that Doesn’t Sleep.

  119. She should be thanking you. It would have cost more for a Dr’s appt to get your boobs checked.

  120. Trust me. No one wants to pay $18.36 for a box of Mike and Ike’s. She was concealing the goods. Been there. Done that. :)

    Crystal recently posted Whole Seasoned Chicken in a Crock Pot.

  121. “My boob got groped today, which would have been weird and offensive, but it was Jenny Lawson, so I guess I should have seen it coming.”- said the victim, probably.

  122. I love you, in a non- lesbianism kind of way but if you grabbed my boob I would brag for weeks.

    Tonya recently posted Summer winds down.

  123. Which reminds me, I haven’t been to the movies in WAY TOO LONG. And now I’m motivated to go, on account of a potential cheap feel.

    Stephanie recently posted Jesus and Buddha Walk Into a Bar….

  124. There are no accidents. You may have saved this woman’s life. You can sleep peacefully, my friend.

    Whorrified recently posted I BELIEVE THIS IS KNOWN AS MANNA FROM HEAVEN.

  125. This would be really hot, if it wasn’t so funny!

  126. One time I fell asleep at the movies and when I woke up I assumed the guy next to me was my husband and I put my hand on his thigh and then I remembered I had come to the movies alone.

    And THEN, it turned out that the woman on the other side of him – his actual wife or girlfriend or whatever – was someone from my work. Which was a ridiculous turn of events because it was in Melbourne, Australia, which is a gigantic city where I knew all of 20 people, max.

    It was kind of awkward.

    Stephanie recently posted Numbers.

  127. Bonus for everyone…right?

    The Redneck Princess recently posted Hot Red Pepper Jelly….

  128. Still a better love story than Twilight.

    Angie recently posted Ocarina Review: CJ Ocarinas.

  129. I had a lesbian encounter at a movie once. At least you only did accidental boob groping.
    A friend and I decided to watch Love Actually for the 4th time after 3 bottles of wine. I went to the bathroom, she followed (I didn’t realise) and before I could shut the door to the stall she followed me in, shoved me against the wall, shoved her tongue down my throat and tried to pull my pants down!
    To this day she’s still mortified by her actions, I on the other hand am all “god I’m so Hawt! Even the ladies want me!”

    We rarely speak now. Her choice.

    Becca_Masters recently posted bubble bubble, toil and pentagram..

  130. One time I opened a door, and a woman was coming from the other side with her head turned talking to someone, and she reached out for the doorknob and grabbed my package. Finally, I know the identity of my groper. It was you! Pervert.

    Ely North recently posted Radical new breast cancer treatment!.

  131. Just have to let you know that you are my new imaginary friend now.

  132. Oh dear. Just so you know, this story is going to be spread throughout my college dorm as quickly as I can, because I have friends who went to see Pitch Perfect (I’d be concerned, but none of them mentioned getting felt up by a strange lady. Also we’re in Kentucky and you aren’t) who will laugh for weeks about this. Considering they came home from the movie doing bad accents and laughing until there were tears streaming down their face…

  133. I’m sorry if I missed someone already pointing something like this out in the comments, but I, too, carry my phone around in my bra. In our house we call that “iBoobs”.

    Vanessa recently posted To Kill A Mocking Cart.

  134. I groped someone’s boob once in a high school basketball game but then we made eye contact afterward. Awkward.

  135. I have tears in my eyes from laughing. Now I can’t stop thinking about big footed puppies and phones in bras. Self checking now! Nope, no phones. Or popcorn or mice, either, not even “breast mice,” as one surgeon called them. *sigh of relief*

  136. Confession: I would totally wanted to have been the other woman :)

  137. 138
    Patti in NW AR

    I just happen to see a link to this on my friend Felicia’s FB(Felicia’s legend or something like that is her blog…I use to blog, but I suck. My life is totally boring!)
    But OMG I LMAO so loud my dog’s were thinking I was having some kind of seizure or something. My son already thinks I’m weird, but he’s a teenager and I think all teenage boys think their mom’s are weird to an extent. I’m going to read some of your other posts and if I don’t get any house work done, I’m gonna blame it on you,k? You don’t mind do ya? You can blame your next fiasco on me or use me as an alibi or something….Have a great Saturday and thanks for the laughs hun! I needed them today!
    (((hugs)))
    Patti in NW AR

  138. I found this site after reading the Beyonce story on Pinterest several months ago. Since then, I’ve been reading the archives and currently in the middle of your book, and you are by far, one of the funniest people i have never met! I love to read in the bathtub and find myself totally laughing out loud at some of your stories. You are extremely talented at blogging and storytelling and maybe even some other stuff I don’t know about…… Keep up the good work!

  139. More importantly, the vomiting part? We need to understand THAT part too, dear Jenny!

    Laurie F. recently posted Plinky Prompt: Do You Eavesdrop On People In Public Places?.

  140. I don’t know about other women, but mine became public property so many years ago I hardly notice when they get touched. ;-)

    Janika recently posted how to give to charity, Charlie Brown.

  141. And accidental lesbian encounter? Totally the best kind ;)

  142. If I had to walk into vomit smell I’d consider an accidental grope uplifting. Anyway, what the heck movie was it?

  143. Jeez … “AN” accidental lesbian encounter … not “AND”. I hate it when my fingers go off on their own.

  144. I just finished your book today. I am so hooked on your crazyness!

  145. I <3 you so hard. Oh. My. Goodness.

    Kara recently posted A new meaning for a Shoes wardrobe.

  146. … I’ll be in my bunk.

    David Flor recently posted Maze of Possibilities.

  147. 148
    Emily Vaughan

    OMG this totally happend to me before! I totally grabbed the boob of a person sitting next to me (but thought it was her arm).

  148. Too many cocktails once gave me an unnatural appreciation for toes. A foot fetish one might say. Yes, my friend is still talking to me and yes, I ‘thought’ about joining AAA, for about 10 seconds.

  149. You totally may have saved that woman’s life. I mean, if she knows who you are and reads your blog. Otherwise, let’s hope those lumps were just misplaced popcorn. My friend keeps her phone in her bra. I’ve always been jealous of that. I’ve never been able to keep anything in my bra. My friend pulls her phone, her money and her car keys out of there. It’s like watching Mary Poppins pull lamps out of her luggage. I have to force myself not to stare. It’s kind of amazing.

    Lily from It's A Dome life recently posted 10 Things Painting Has Taught Me About Relationships.

  150. You are very considerate for an accidental molester LOL

    Patti B recently posted Another Knit a Fantasy Story Update.

  151. My accidentally-grabbed-boob lifetime tally is five. I wonder what those ladies are doing now…

    Ellie Di recently posted Graturday 10:20:12.

  152. Thanks, Jenny.

  153. That is perhaps the most polite sexual harassment I’ve ever heard of.

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted Eighty three percent of statistics are made up on the spot....

  154. I’m sure she was focused on the woman vomiting as well, and understood your mistake.

    melissa wye geraci recently posted serendipity.

  155. I thought I was the only one who keeps her iPhone in her bra. Seriously, WTF is UP with these clothing manufacturers that don’t put pockets in women’s clothing? Especially business-type women’s clothing? I know my grandmother said never put things in your pocket because it just makes your hips look bigger (and would REMOVE the pockets from my pants if she had to alter them anyway), but where the hell am I supposed to carry my phone if I already have a pen, and maybe a file folder or two, and my security card key, and maybe even my car keys? I can’t carry my PURSE from room to room when I’m at the office!

    I believe that lack of pockets in women’s apparel is one of the reasons that women hit this glass ceiling and can’t make it to the VP corner office. It’s because we look STUPID with a handful of stuff, and then have to grope around in our blouse looking for our phone when it starts playing Darth Vadar’s theme from Star Wars. Don’t tell me to try the vibrate mode, I already did. Darth Vadar looks less weird that vibrating boobies. That’s not the job I’m bucking for.

    Geek Goddess recently posted Weekends Relaxing in Papua New Guinea.

  156. PS. I gotta write a blog post about the textile-industrial complex vast conspiracy to keep women down.

    Geek Goddess recently posted Weekends Relaxing in Papua New Guinea.

  157. Best PSA for feeling your boobies ever! You need to call the Komen foundation and pitch Lawsbian Encounter Style Early Detection. It could be a thing. Really.

    Lisa Victoria recently posted life:: cancer…music…and a date with destiny.

  158. 159
    Sweet Caroline

    My life is soooooooo boring. On the other hand, I’m not you, either. I’ll trade you a little boring for a little of your wonderful sense of humor and sensitivity.

  159. OMG, Jenny. I think this might be one of your funniest shorties ever. I’m still laughing! =P

  160. Well then.

    Holly Folly recently posted A Letter From the Morrow Jungle..

  161. I read this to my 14 year old daughter ( I read her most of your book while I snorted and giggled because I can’t help myself), and she said you have the most extraordinary experiences. I said that this one wasn’t so unusual – I’ve certainly done this before. I explained that when you share these off-beat events in your life, it makes us all feel better about our own lives. And then I realized you’re the Erma Bombeck of our time. I still remember her story of being mostly naked in the OB/GYN’s office and getting her nose caught in a net curtain. Laughed until I wet myself.

  162. And to Geek Goddess: I hear ya. Fortunately, I’m in the military, and I get to wear ABUs. LOVE my multitude of pockets. Great for hiding girl stuff.

  163. Also—boob sweat. That shit will short out your phone. All bad.

  164. Welcome to the sisterhood.
    Now, we need two things:
    First, where she would send the woman’s toaster oven?
    And where should we send your membership card?
    Sincerely:
    The Sapphists Sisters Society.

    Em recently posted Advice for New Scrabble Players.

  165. Don’t worry about it, Jenny. Accidental sex happens all the time.

    http://www.thedopestlife.com/2011/04/accidental-sex.html

  166. 167
    Kathy Prado

    And that is why you will always be loved and treasured….
    xoxoxoxoxo
    Kathy

  167. @FFW That is referred to by Ladies as DBT: Dreaded Boob Trickle.

    I checked; I have no lumps or popcorn, but I did find a non-pareil in there. Yum!

  168. I would have just been…thank you and let you pass on by.

  169. 170
    Pat C in Washington

    That sounds an awful lot like my college days, but that was back in ’68 so it’s pretty much of a haze.

  170. I had one in the elevator at work last week, with someone I know. I said “thanks, it’s been a while” and went my merry way. Good to know it happens all the time to others!

  171. Thank you for reminding EVERYONE (who should!) to get their mammogram!
    I did on a whim 4 years ago, and am still here to tell you to do it!

  172. ANY boob encounter is a good encounter.

  173. This happens so often to me I sometimes keep a daily tally in my head. 13, if you were just wondering what is the highest I have ever counted.

    I thought that was kind of spooky too. The number. Not the boob touching. That’s totally okay.

    Veronica recently posted Chili Cook Off (Take 2).

  174. I laughed so hard I cried– then I forwarded it to my mom, but it still said I had an accidental lesbian encounter- now she’s all “oh, that explains it after all these years” I’m not going to try to have her get that it was a post. This will be way more fun! Thanks~

  175. Hi Bloggess,

    http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2012/10/22/121022fa_fact_sedaris

    This David Sedaris article has nothing to do with today’s blog topic, but it is up your alley and it is really good, and you have GOT to read it!

    Teresa recently posted Writing Portfolio.

  176. I’m pretty sure I’m in love with you the way your were (are) with Amy Sedaris……. I wish you had grabbed my potentially lumpy boob…..

  177. 178
    Picturepocket

    I was up to feed the baby and couldn’t get back to sleep, so I read your blog, but I have to stop or else my laughing will wake everybody up.

  178. When I lived in London it was quite common to encounter boob to boob touching while we were all crushed together on the tube during rush hour…at first I apologised and just got a look of “pffft, it happens all the time here”, after a while I’d just look down and give the look of “yep, my tits are huge!”.

    Accidental boobage touching happens.

    Loki-Lou recently posted BlogHer NaBloPoMo challenge month – “My heart, the betrayer!”.

  179. I totally want to live next door to you. We could meet at the fence for a morning chat while we enjoyed our tea or coffee, and I would shoot tea out my nose holes as you told me such tales.

    Then again, if I just visit your blog and read your tales, you’re not in danger of being sprayed by a beverage that’s been expelled from my nasal cavity. Plus there’s the whole scorpions living in Texas thing.

    I’ll just keep coming back here for my daily laugh until you decide to move to New York state.

    Wombat Central recently posted What’s Broken?.

  180. She probably knew she needed a mammogram and just hung by that door through the whole movie, just waiting for some clumsy, accidental grope to save her some money on medical bills. I hope that woman realizes that she still needs to go to a real doctor TOO, though.

    Jillian recently posted Short Post and a Song #24.

  181. I know what it’s like to live inside your mind. You have my understanding and sympathy. Isn’t “boob” a funny word?

  182. You are the cheese to my macaroni! (I just saw the end of Juno on tv) Seriously, I cannot stop laughing. And way to go w/ the breast cancer awareness! I had an accidental butt grab, then an accidental boob touch in the same day… it was a little awkward. Made me question a few things! ;) haha

    Thank you for blogging!

  183. So I think you have to be famous and a woman to get away with accidental gropings, because whenever it happens to me people just yell pervert and chase me and hit me.

  184. I can only read the blog and a few of the comments. Because, you see, once I have read the blog and a few of the comments I’m laughing so hard that my eyes are squinty and leaking tears and thus, my eyesight already being less than stellar, I, literally, can no longer see to read the comments. Best. Way. To. Cry. EVER.

    Tara recently posted No positive spin necessary!.

  185. I’ve tried that excuse before, but then she asked why I was going into the women’s room. I just hadn’t thought it all the way through.

  186. “I Touched a Stranger’s Boob at the Movies and I liked it. Hope Vic-tor don’t mind it.” — could be an awesome follow-up to Katy Perry’s breakout hit, “I Kissed a Girl”. Seriously — you should totally call her.

    Lolia recently posted My American Dream.

  187. holy fucking shitballs, i have seen 100 movies this summer/fall and accidentally groped at least twice that many titties. totally feel tha pain there. plus, i am drunk on ‘cafe’ wine (way worse than box wine). boobs shouldcome with a warning label. fo shizzle

  188. I appreciate that you’re still looking out for this woman’s health…when she clearly ruined your movie-going expereince.

    jaimie recently posted Touch-O the Clown…Or, it’s not over ’til the molester makes a balloon animal.

  189. 190
    Lady Penelope

    Man, the only thing I got at the movies was someone else’s hair left all over the head rest. Ew.
    Seriously, it was like someone was scalped in there.

  190. I almost never get groped when I go to the movies…..

  191. If only everyone were courteous enough to suggest getting your boobs checked after an inadvertent groping. I imagine, if this became a movement, we wouldn’t need all the of raise awareness campaigns about breast exams. Some random stranger in a theater would do it for us.

    Abby recently posted Just Keep On Beating.

  192. I accidentally groped a boob once and I immediately apologized.

    “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to feel you up.”

    Her response? “Well, SOMEONE’S got to!”

    Her husband was standing beside her. Awkward.

  193. Popcorn boobs really are the best way to snack on the run.

    Creative Liar recently posted How to Pretend You’re Working.

  194. I get popcorn stuck in my bra too! But it’s usually when I’m at the dentist.

    natalie recently posted SVU drinking game...I know, I know, brilliant..

  195. Only one boob? I hope the other one doesn’t feel left out….

    Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted Biological Attacks.

  196. Best PSA for boobie cancer checks I have ever read.
    Keep up the good work that puts Mother Teresa to shame.

    Melissa recently posted This Is Halloween – Part *Boo*.

  197. Allow me to jump in on the “worst thing to ever happen to my boobies” sidetrack…
    I played bells in my marching band & pep band. Then one day we had three bells players show up and no cymbals player. I traded off for variety–bells are heavy, so I didn’t think twice — but it’s a totally different way of holding the weight and my arms got tired and…. halfway through the Alma Mater I caught myself between two cymbals. I will never EVER again be amused by a guy who’s gotten wallopped in a private place… I went through pretty much the same motions. To this day I don’t know who picked up the cymbals to finish for me.

    Think of it the next time you hear the Star Spangled Banner. Is that cymbalist wearing protection!?

  198. Okay, I am confused. Was someone in the movie vomiting? Or was it someone in the theater vomiting? Because if it was someone in the theater that’s way more disgusting or disturbing for the lady walking into the theater than your groping her.
    I think it’s funny that we all tend to freak a little if we accidentally touch someone’s boob or butt or package. But if we touch an elbow or a shoulder, we just say excuse me and keep on moving. It’s not like the motive was different or the intent was sinister just because it was a “sexual” body part. But it’s awkward, ain’t it?

    Leslie recently posted Not a Happy Camper.

  199. Nice! A movie AND a free breast cancer screening! You’re the best!

    Becki Jolly recently posted Guest Post: The Quest for The Ultimate Man Cave Prize.

  200. My grandpa had ear cancer. But that was way before cell phones…

  201. Yes. That’s all I can say. Yes. hahahahahahahaha

    Summer recently posted Hello Turbulent Tuesday.

  202. I so needed that laugh out loud moment…awesome. You should call for people’s most embarrassing moment stories.

  203. And *this* is why I read your blog. Thanks for this awesome post today. But sorry for the lesbian experience. Unless you aren’t sorry, then nevermind.

    Naked Girl in a Dress recently posted Defining Real Beauty.

  204. LOL, great post. seriously.

    Dana @ This Silly Girl's Life recently posted Back From Another Vacation!.

  205. Hahaha, nice. It reminds me of the time that I went with my brother to his ex-wife’s viewing and when we got to her parents in the greeting line I stuck my hand out to shake her dad’s hand but he leaned in for an unexpected hug and I accidently groped him. :/ Awkward.

    The Suzzzz recently posted Bowl.

  206. You’re such a Lawsbian. ;)

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Mr. Trump.

  207. Did you ever say what movie you were seeing when you had your accidental lesbian experience?

  208. Still wanting to know the movie; couldn’t find it in the comments or else I’m blind. But then again, what movie does not have at least one vomit scene in it?? That’s not rated G, I mean.

    Mommy Needs Vodka recently posted Funny Facebook Pages - Mommy Needs Vodka SHARES Laughter, Funniest Pages & More!.

  209. So. You made an interesting point, which I then had to google. Now I have pictures of ear cancer burned into my brain. But I forgive you because it was educational.

    Also, because you make me feel that whilst I may not be ‘normal’, I’m sure as hell not alone. That’s worth the odd incidental mental scarring.

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