And now I want ribs.

in Posts that will get me hate mail, Random Crap, weekly reruns

me:  I bet the little mermaid got crazy fat after she got married.

Victor:  Why?

me:  Because all she could eat when she was a mermaid was raw kelp and there’s practically no calories in kelp.

Victor:  She lived in the ocean.  She ate fish.

me: SHE WAS FRIENDS WITH FISH.  She talked to every living thing there was.  Even seagulls.  She couldn’t even eat seagulls.  I bet she was fucking starving.  Have you seen her waist?  That’s not normal.  It looks like she’s had ribs removed.

Victor:  Huh.

me: And then she suddenly becomes human and stops swimming – so she’s not getting any cardio – and then she discovers cheese.  And bacon.  And cheesy bacon.  OMG, I want cheesy bacon.

Victor: You’ve thought about this way too much.

me:  If I was the little mermaid I’d get so fat.

**********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s round-up sponsored by The Dumb White Husband’s Guide to Babies.   Children are amazing and their limitless capacity for love is matched only by their ability to make you feel like an idiot. But you’re not alone.  Dumb White Husband vs. Babies tackles the subjects that other baby books ignore.

134 thoughts on “And now I want ribs.”

Read comments below or add one.

  6. So, that’s what happened with me! I was once. Merman, forgotten, then I turned into a human bipod who became a fat git. How do I change back?

  7. I had a Wendy’s Baconator for lunch today. I am typing this from the ICU at Methodist hospital. They are replacing my heart with that of a pig’s. Probably the one that died to make my Baconator.

    Cycle of life.

  10. Now Belle, on the other hand, went from sitting around reading books (why you so skinny?!) to getting chased by wolves and dancing with the flatware. Yet, no weight change. I think the princesses need to rethink their images.

  11. And BROWNIES. I bet brownies in the ocean are just gross and soggy, but on land? ALL THE BROWNIES. And no fishy friends get hurt either!

  15. Can’t imagine why you would be excited to be named on a list next to Salman Rushdie. There is a bounty on that fucker’s head! Okay, I’m going to go work on my novel now, while eating bacon, thank you.

  16. How about a brownie ice cream sundae with bacon and caramel on top? All the things a mermaid never dreamed were possible.

  19. i really do think the new sedentary lifestyle is going to get her more than the food. Plus, we should address the fact that she’s a hoarder……….

  20. Mmmm! Cheezy bacon! When the zombie apocalypse happens, the shambling hordes won’t be calling for braaainsss, they’ll all want cheeezy baaaconn….

  22. I’ve started adding those real bacon bits to hamburgers before I cook them, and THEN putting on pepperjack. My husband and children love me.

  24. I’m confused by the sponsor this post, are the dumb husbands white only? Are black husbands smart?

    (Not quite sure about that one myself. Maybe both? There’s a whole series of them though, apparently. ~ Jenny)

  26. Cheesy bacon, cheesy tater tots and a vanilla coke = why I *am* a fat mermaid. Without the flippers. And without being able to breath underwater.

    Which makes me convinced that breathing under water would totally be my super power.

  28. Well, when Ariel became a biped, I’m guessing any food would have been “splurgeful” (to be splurged upon) based simply upon the premise that it didn’t need to be consumed while swimming in a cloud of EVERY OTHER SEA ANIMAL’S FECAL MATTER! When you’re swimming in an ocean of fish shit, I can imagine one’s appetite would be lacking.

  29. Now I totally want ribs and cheesy bacon. I am totally a fat mermaid, without the mermaid parts, which I guess just makes me fat.

  31. Whoa, wait a minute now. No update on the why of the big, annoying, itchy pillow. Come on Jenny. We want to know. And I am now lactose intolerant, so no cheese, but bacon. Maybe bacon wrapped ribs, mmmmm

  32. And THAT is why I could never stand to be a vegetarian. Because meat. XD But I’d totally eat any of her fishy friends. Flounder tastes really good! Also, I’d TOTALLY eat a seagull if I had the chance. I want to try eating a mammoth. Someone needs to re-invent mammoths so I can eat part of one.

  34. Wow. What DID she eat? I have never considered the question. Is there a penis picture on the cover of the Video, yes, I considered THAT. But never Ariel’s diet.

  36. I’m thinking Bacon Cheese flavoured potato chips with a nice dish of melted chocolate for dipping. Sonuvabitch. I have pms. Thanks, Jenny. I knew you did a lot of things but bring on a hormonal episode ? Some sort of voodoo…

  37. More bacon, wrapped in bacon, cooked in bacon…

    There is a youtube video in which they cook shit basically all baconfied. Looked it up but failed. Just youtube bacon for five hours…you should find it.

    Even make bacon cups. They’re going to fucking own this world.

  39. Dear, Jenny,
    I couldn’t find your email, thus I had to comment here. Sorry.
    ~~~Do you remember a few years back I was going to interview you for my blog on SKIRT? You DID respond to my email saying something like -“Skirt SUuuuuCKS!”
    Anyhow, if you read this, I have my OWN blog now & I’d still like to interview you again cuz I fucking love you and I want to use your celebrity to get more awareness out there about Domestic Abuse. ( at least I’m honest, man.)
    My blog is: My Inner Chick– http://myinnerchick (it is dedicated to my sister who was murdered 2 years ago)
    Thanks. You Rock Like Gaga. That’s all. xxx

  40. So excited to see your book on Goodreads (tho probably not as excited as your were!) Love that website, and love your blog. Def got my vote!

  41. I never thought about it before, but you’re absolutely right. The Little Mermaid couldn’t have eaten fish. She was best friends with fish. How do you say “Yes, I love you Flounder, but your brother is on tonight’s menu.”? That would just be wrong.

    So many good foods to eat as a human. As long as she didn’t make friends with the cows and chickens.

  42. Great, now *I* want cheesy bacon. And ribs. If I could only eat kelp, well, I wouldn’t have lived to meet whoevertheheckthatprincewas.

  43. I just NEED to tell you how much I LOVE your blogs and that you are simply fricken amazing!!!! Whenever i’m having a bad day, I can always count on reading one of your blogs to cheer me up;)
    Thank you so much for being YOU!!!:)

    ~Kari

  44. I bet Hobbits would have eaten crispy, cheesy bacon if they’d really thought about it. You wouldn’t think crispy bacon could be improved, but some cheese added just might do the trick. Yeah, I seem to have LOTR on my brain despite drooling over Avengers currently. What does this have to do with your post? Absolutely nothing. 😀

  46. Low carb it and you can cheesy-bacon it all the time. But I had to give up bread. There’s always a trade off.

  47. My grandmother teaches Sunday School at our local church and asked me what is one food I eat that tastes bajillion times better with salt? I told her I’m not sure but EVERYTHING tastes better with bacon.

    To which she rolled her eyes and said ‘GREAT…I’ll just tell my class of ten year olds to be the BACON of the earth, that’s juuuuust GREAT.’

    It’s true though. Ariel would have never tried bacon. or cheese. or chocolate. She’d inflate like an emergency dingy day 3 of their honeymoon. Fruit SHMOOT, Bring awn the bacon!

  48. Yeah, she entered a world with bacon (and the other benefits of fire, for heaven’s sake), food that didn’t talk, and an atmostphere not swimming in fish poop. And she left a world of cardio for a world in which she could not walk without tiny knives stabbing her feet with every step. So, yeah, sedentary. Must have porked out amazingly. Or been an incredibly active minx between the sheets. So, you know, PROFIT.

    As someone gradually (but way too quickly) getting older, I can tell you that the process is like being The Little Mermaid, but in reverse. Every waking second, my doctor screams at me that I’m too sedentary, and my diet of amazing cheesy bacon is gradually (but WAY fucking too quickly) being replaced by raw frigging kelp.

    And there’s never enough kelp.

    And it tastes like fish have shit in it.

    Fortunately, I have a partner in crime who loves me as I am, because there ain’t no red dress (or tuxedo or speedo) comin’ in the mail, and never was.

  52. Better she become a chubby ex-mermaid on the Disney payroll than the Hans Christian Anderson Original Ending: turning into sea-foam – which is the version my mom used to rent for me back in the days of the Beta machine.

  53. I think she was just dying to ditch the shell bra. Can you even imagine how that would chafe? Sometimes taking my bra off is the highlight of my day and I have underwire and straps and everything. Shells would be a bitch. Even bacon would be a secondary joy compared to getting decent support for the girls.

  54. Watch The Little Mermaid 2! After 11 years on land and a pregnancy, she is still the exact same size!

  55. So, I tried having this conversation with my SO… and it went nearly exactly the same, until the end. He steals my argument and tells me that if she’s talking to the fish and the seagulls she’s going to be talking to the pigs and the cows. Therefore no cheesy bacon. Plus, her ribs have already been removed.

  57. Congra-tu-stikin-lations on your top 10 book!

    P.S. Don’t eat the bacon, it lies.

  58. Hey! I thought you didn’t plug other people’s books! No problem, though, it’s your cyber-home…
    I think I’m done, though… If I can’t convince someone as cool as you that I’m worthy, then what hope is there? I’ve been rejected by EVERYBODY from the media, agents, and your publisher! You’ve fought depression recently; you know what’s it’s like when no one gives a damn about what you have to offer.

    As for your post, I thought it was great! Never a dull moment in your marriage, right?

  61. The “Oh Hush, this was exciting for me” confused me at first because I work as a bookseller in a small town named “Hudson” and I was completely unaware of this until clicking on your link… and then I realized that Hudson is like the “Smith” of town names, so I told myself to shut up and keep reading….

    P.S. I’m proud of you. 🙂

  62. To clarify, I wasn’t unaware of the fact that I live in a town called “Hudson” but more confused by the fact that Hudson booksellers had come up with this list of awarded selections…

  65. Makes sense to me. Probably happened with some of the other princesses too but I’m too lazy to try and figure out exactly how.

  67. Hey Jennie. I just saw your gorgeous face on a video called. Finally. Gorgeous woman that make you feel better about yourself, not worse. Beautiful lady. It’s from unworthy.com. Have a great weekend. Marilyn

  70. I rather imagine all of the Disney Princesses suffer from some sort of eating disorder, among other things. I rather imagine that Snow White is on some sort of diet plan that totally avoids apple like the plague. Sleeping Beauty probably suffers from PTSD and suffers an episode every time she sees any kind of spinning wheel. Cinderella talks to mice. Rapunzel will have control issues the rest of her life. That’s all I got. I can’t remember the rest of them. I see a future post for my blog here, ah inspiration!

    I don’t think it would be bacon that would finish off her thinness. I’d say chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

  71. Loved Ruby Pearl’s post!
    And I get cravings like that too.. When I was a kid and we had to study about the snow peaked Himalayan range in Geography class…I’d want Vanilla ice cream SO bad! Now most of that has been replaced by Pizza cravings!

  72. Even when she was on land, I never saw her eat. At dinner, she didn’t eat. Ariel apparently didn’t need food of any kind.

    The bitch.

  74. Oh my God. You’re so right. How can Victor not understand? I always just thought she was too skinny, I didn’t put two and two together…but you have such a good point. Did the Prince still love her when she was fat I wonder?

  77. I also wonder what the sharks from Finding Nemo eat and how Goofy feels about Mickey keeping Pluto as a pet.

  85. So, to be inpolitically correct, should we call her: Ariel, the large ginger post-operative merperson? That sounds more like an episode of Veggie Tales…

  86. Just wanted you to know that I work at a library, and whenever a copy of your book comes through circulation (which is infrequently because it has 20 odd holds on it still and we only have one copy that you aren’t allowed to put holds on) I make sure to put it on our staff recommendation display… and it’s rarely there longer than a half hour. You’re awesome!

  88. I actually think Ariel wouldn’t be able to eat any of that. Being as she was living off of Kelp for let’s say 18 years of her life, her stomach would be too sensitive to handle anything else, she would have to slowly start being up tolerances to these new foods so she wouldn’t get sick and throw up so she would probably lose weight.

    (DAMMIT. You’re right. Now I just feel stupid. ~ Jenny)

  89. How the HELL does Victor not know the Ariel is FRIENDS with the FISH? There is singing and merriment and friendship. For gosh sakes…You don’t eat your friends, no matter how delicious.

  91. Hey lady,

    Just finished the book! (I hope there really is a Book 2 in the works.) Thank you for the laughs on my commute, and the bonus entertainment from how many necks craned on the subway trying to figure out WTF was on the cover of my book. You did a wonderful thing putting this bad boy together.

  93. Today on Masterchef Australia, someone made chocolate-dipped bacon. My husband and I both simultaneously said ‘Oh my god, I could REALLY go for some chocolate dipped bacon right now.’
    That’s how you know you married the right person.

  94. This bitch didn’t even know how to use a FORK, so once she had that down pat it was all over but the bacon. The big Mermaid….

  95. Besides being fat, her skin’s probably all dehydrated and flaky.

    Honestly, I can imagine her wanting her old life back. bacon and ribs and cheese and alcohol vs Kelp???

    no brainer …

  100. Since she was new to real food, I bet she would get acne, too. Poor Eric. I hope he was as nice as he seemed.

  101. Wait a minute – have to comment on another comment: YOU CAN SO EAT YOUR FRIENDS!!! IN AN EMERGENCY! If they really love you, they will understand…..

  104. The Little Mermaid is a magical role model for young girls: starve yourself, don’t speak, and give up some tail and you’ll find your prince. And the N.O.W. award goes to…

  105. I, personally, have always been concerned about Bell’s state of mind. I mean, she falls for an animal. A talking one, but an animal non-the-less. So either the day he turned human was the greatest in her life, or the worst, depending on just HOW into the animal version of him she was. Creepy.

  106. Pretty sure Sebastian sings “Try us and eat us in fricassee”. Cartoons supporting cannibalism. Sounds like something that would be on a ballot.

  111. @104

    Belle never “falls for” an animal. He’s male, and she does not love him. As a male, he is merely a token, the possession of which establishes Belle’s dominance over other females. This is the only reason she wishes to possess him, as it is the only reason any female wishes to possess any male. Once one understands that all human social events are similar contests of dominance, human life suddenly makes a lot more sense.

  112. You know, the four-legged beasties probably *would* be easy to eat if the cuddle factor weren’t involved because you were used to the cuddle factor being applied to slimy, scaly things like fish. Not that the cuddle factor stops me…

  113. Why do so many people, when you have a brilliant thought you share in conversation, reply with “You’ve put way too much thought into this.”?

    Actually I have put NO thought into this. And brilliance that is both spontaneous and instantaneous is even more amazing!

  114. Charlie beat me to the Weeping Angel costume link, so I thought I’d report that Frank in downtown Austin has chocolate-covered bacon (thick-cut, hickory-smoked bacon!) on the menu. And it is AWESOME!

  116. Disney princesses are usually orphans, but she had a daddy.

    and you NEVER seen them when they are old and wrinkled and screaming at Prince Charming about his dirty socks.

  117. These are exactly the kinds of thoughts I have…LOL. On another note, I borrowed your book from my sister and I am expecting a fantastic read. We have already talked about others in our family that would love it!!

  119. The body model for Disney’s “Little Mermaid” , Sherri Stoner, still looks good after having kids.

    p.s. She’s also the writer and voice actor for Slappy Squirrel, from the Animaniacs.

  121. OMG, I am laughing so fucking hard. If I had written this, I would be chastised for mocking the body of a Disney princess due to my former state of bulimia. You are fucking genius. Love. Furthermore, I’d love to be a mermaid. The perfect life and diet. 😀

  122. The Little Mermaid totally ate pigs and cows. Land-dwellers fish. Sea-dwellers oppo-fish. Don’t ask me how they lure the animals to the shore, I am not a mermaid, but if I had to guess it would involve the Sirens. As aren’t they kind of like mermaids/mermen but just more evil? Anyway, the Sirens lure the land animals then the merpeople eat them. And I bet they do eat fish and other seacreatures too, same way people eat other mammals. Just not ones that have learned to speak English. You don’t put that much effort into training an animal, then eat it, that’s just silly!

  123. But I should add, I don’t actually spend a lot of time wondering how she ate. Probably because I am spending a lot more time wondering why no-one has an issue with a Prince in his mid-twenties marrying a sixteen year old. Thanks for that, Disney. Could have added in the caveat “please not that even though Ariel is 16 for this entire film, the wedding took place a good ten years down the road, as before they got married Prince Eric made sure Ariel not only reached legal age, but also completed her schooling before becoming a Lady of Leisure, as her mermaid tail may come and go but a solid educational foundation lasts forever”.

    So weird that Disney hasn’t contacted me to write movies for them.

  127. Have you ever considered how mermaids poop? I mean fish obviously have a butt but mermaids? And if she’s eating kelp all the time, it’s got to go somewhere.

    Makes you think.

  130. I would totally get fat is I were the Little Mermaid…. I would me the fat chick who was the little mermaid.

  133. Don’t ruin my childhood hero with all of your thinking.
    …at least she’d still have her beautiful red hair. No cheesy bacon can take that away from her.

  134. Jenny!

    So I just finished your book and recommended it to everyone I know. The critics are right it is one of the best books of the year. I read alot in waiting rooms and I had to stop reading your book a few times in public because I was about to uncontrollably laugh out loud! Love your wit 😀

    One thing: Your new tour t-shirt is a little “americans think they own the world” type. Check out the true definition of North America (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/North_America) 23 sovereign states, not just the USA.
    Although I have to say, I wish you were coming to Canada.

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