Next class: How to keep bees with handguns

I don’t have a lot to say here because I live in a mixed political home and so things are always a bit tense here after election day, but I will say that we can all stand together as one nation in hatred of that sound  you get when you try to erase something, but you don’t have any eraser left and so the metal part of the pencil squeals over the paper and then accordions it all up.  I think we can all agree that that shit needs to stop.  Also, overuse of the word “moist” and the word “panties.”  People using the phrase “moist panties” should have to spend two weeks in community service replacing worn pencil erasers.  The end.

*********

But not really because I had too much caffeine and can’t stop writing.  So instead I’ll share a bunch of shit I wrote that wasn’t funny enough to publish alone, in hopes that it gets funnier algebraically.

**********

True story:  I get these emails from Amazon recommending local stuff they think I’d be into.  In the last week I’ve been offered special deals on Beekeeping Classes, Handgun Practice, Permanent Makeup and Reflexology/Zip Line…which just sounds dangerous. I can’t tell if they really know me, or if they really don’t know me at all.

**********

Yesterday this thing happened to me that so blew my mind that I freaked out and called everyone I knew to tell them about it but then it turns out that I can’t write about because (swear to God) it might endanger the well-being of The Doctor and myself.  I have never in my entire life wanted to write about anything so much and it’s killing me inside.  I don’t have anything funny to add here but just pretend that I just proved without a shadow of a doubt that a possible real-life Time Lord and I spent some quality time together talking about testicles and I have pictures to prove it that I can never show.  And this is exactly why being a companion must be so bloody hard.

**********

My friend Edwin sent me this tweet:

Hmmm.

And I thought it was weird that he would send me something so rude that twitter would actually hide the image from me, but I went ahead and changed my settings to let even the most horrific images come through and then I clicked it again.

Oh. Awesome.

Thanks, twitter.

180 replies. read them below or add one

  1. As a DW lover, your lack of Time Lord story sharing is killing me. Of course, there’s always the possibility that I’m like Rory, so my death will be pretty pointless anyway.

  2. Blimey, you just made my skin crawl my describing the metal+paper+pressure screech. Argh.

  3. Apparently Twitter has a new Laughter Police department. Thank Dog their cafeteria is amazing.

    whiskeypants recently posted Raccoons.

  4. In fairness, the mouse IS doing full-frontal nudity..

    Dominic recently posted Cannot cope.

  5. I seriously cringed reading “Moist Panties”… Disturbing and funny… kinda like slimy yet satisfying

    Kerry recently posted Election night at Starbucks.

  6. Hooray for offensiveness.

  7. This post made me LAUGH OUT LOUD!!!! :)

    thedoseofreality recently posted Operation Christmas Child.

  8. If only they checked ID at the polling booth or X-rated theaters they way they do for Halo 4 and your book.

    Ellie Di recently posted I have an ache in my heart, brought on by Celtic music, Tori Amos, and pictures of exotic places.

  9. How can you share that you have an email blast involving beekeeping and handguns, and then not give a f*cking screenshot.

    ‘sjust mean.

    Also, hope you get to share your testical news someday!

    Shannon recently posted The GREATEST French Invention EVER?.

  10. Ack. Sorry for the excessive punctuation. I got carried away.

  11. Way to bring the country back together. Lawson/HST 2016!!

  12. Just remember not to blink. Blink, and you’re dead. And then you will be sent back in time to the etymological beginning of the words “moist” and “panties” and you WON’T BE ABLE TO STOP THEM.

    Live with THAT on your conscience.

  13. Beekeeping classes are awesome. That prison you describe with the erasers? That is the fourth grade classroom I work in. Perhaps that sound is in a range outside their underdeveloped ears. They also overuse the word moist…Wait, maybe this isn’t fourth grade after all!

    Euphoria Girl recently posted It's Not That I've Become Nerdier, It's..Well, It's That I've Become Nerdier.

  14. Well dear, it could have been worse. You could have met Captain Jack and had your beverage retconned, waking up to find your phone confiscated and wiped by Torchwood….

  15. The fact that I used the word “panties” yesterday in a comment on your blog is now distressing me. I’m going to have to start exploring more creative synonyms. Undies, underpants, knickers, bloomers? There are so many options.

    Katie recently posted Don’t Kill The Messenger! (Messenger by Lois Lowry).

  16. I mean, the mouse IS naked…

    Stephanie recently posted Alphabet Photography: Elegance, Personalized.

  17. 20
    Bad Moms Unite

    My ankle is itchy….

  18. Where to begin? This is one awesome post! Moist panties – ewwww.

    Mary V recently posted All Hail the Chief.

  19. After reading a lot of David Sedaris and the like Amazon recommended 12 step books to me!

    ilikebeerandbabies recently posted Mom Up.

  20. Wait are you talking about using handguns to keep bees, or keeping bees which carry handguns? Because bees with handguns scare the shit out of me.

    karifur recently posted One question you never want to hear at the doctor’s office.

  21. The way I know that The Doctor exists is that he has never asked me to be his companion. I wouldn’t be able to keep that shit quiet for a millisecond.

  22. I think we need a Doctor Who fanfic with The Bloggess as the companion. And Victor. And the cats would figure in somehow too.

    Heretic Husband recently posted I used to be jealous of suicide bombers.

  23. Beekeeping and Handgun practice seem an obvious combination to me.

    neal recently posted I hope you made the right choice today.

  24. @Abby,

    I’d end up worse than Rory. Being a technology freak, I’d probably try to smuggle some cool technology back to the past and wind up like Adam Mitchell. Remember him? The guy who got a brain implant and then forgot to ask how to change the default setting so now whenever someone snaps their fingers his head opens up? Yeah, that’d be me.

    Plus, I’m horrible at keeping secrets. I’d turn one trip with The Doctor into a five part blog series.

    Either that, or I’d try pressing buttons on the Tardis and strand us back in the time of the dinosaurs just before the meteor hit or something.

    Yeah, I’m thinking The Doctor is avoiding me on purpose.

    TechyDad recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Lord of the Rings Shelob Lego Set.

  25. Oh, this is just great. All of it. Except for the pencil squealing. I hate that.

    Andrea Mulder-Slater recently posted I didn't take a babymoon. You're welcome..

  26. I am slightly intrigued by Reflexology/Zip Line… sounds like an extreme sport. WHICH I TOTALLY WANT TO DO

    Carmen recently posted My Top 5 Reasons Why Voting For Romney is a Very Bad Idea.

  27. Was it #10 or #11 or was it possibly #13???

  28. It’s a terrible sound. And “moist” definitely needs to go. “Slice” can go, too. As can “squish.”

    Katie recently posted Warning: In this post, I guilt you into voting with an adorable kitten. Some other stuff happens too..

  29. Books are pretty scary for some people… I mean a lot of murders in Clue happen in the library.

    jessie marie recently posted Thankful Thursday.

  30. Why would anyone want to keep bees with handguns? I have always been taught that you should keep your bees and your handguns separate. At least, that is how things are done in my house.

    Remember, bees and handguns don’t mix. Also, handguns don’t kill people, but the same may not be true for bees with handguns.

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted WW: My, What Big Teeth….

  31. @Heretic Husband,

    No, obviously The Bloggess would be The Doctor’s companion but he would always drop her back off 3 milliseconds after she left just so she could have conversations with Victor like this:

    Victor: I just left the room for 5 minutes, what happened to your clothes?
    TheBloggess: Oh yeah. The Doctor came and we went to 4th Century China which was awesome until the Daleks tried to take over. We stopped them but I got a bit singed when all those papyrus scrolls burst into flame.
    Victor: *screams in frustration over TheBloggess’ completely logical explanation and leaves room again.*
    *Cue Tardis arrival sound*

    TechyDad recently posted Wordless Wednesday: Lord of the Rings Shelob Lego Set.

  32. I hardly ever comment, but you always have me laughing hysterically. :-) I too, could never be a companion. The truth would be bursting to come out of me. Also, I too live in a mixed political home (hubby is a staunch R, like Victor). He simply could not understand my relief at the election results. Anyway, I LOVE LOVE LOVE you. The funny posts, the ones that make me cry, and the ones that help me understand my mother’s struggle with depression. I just lent her your book so hopefully she’ll be laughing hysterically here very soon. :-)

  33. Well, if you’re on a censorship list, you know you’ve made it big.

    Karen Sanders recently posted One Track Mind Full of Randomness.

  34. 50 million people have trouble understanding the results. But I digress.

  35. only you could make algebra funny.

  36. I like that you live in a mixed political home, proving that there is hope for unity and peace!

    Burns the fire recently posted All Living Things.

  37. BWHAHA…well, if his tweet is about how he got carded for the book, obv it’s something that needs to be censored? Nanny twitter…

    Erin recently posted Knitting and Crochet Resources.

  38. I think we would all be prefectly content if The Doctor ran for president on the promise of beess with handguns foreveryone.

    Brea @ Real Housewife of North Idaho recently posted That pretty little boy is my daughter..

  39. How about “clammy knickers”? Or, “damp intimate things”? That would at least be mixing it up a little bit.
    And is it just me, or would ‘clammy knickers’ make a great band name? Especially if the band was REALLY shitty.

    Banana Stickers recently posted I will inject you with kindness.

  40. OHMYGODYOUMUSTSHAREYOURDOCTORSTORY!!! Would it be considered unpatriotic not to?? I don’t know, it’s not like the Doctor is American bu8t he does like stetson hats… or so we seem to think. Could have been a phase, like the whole fez thing. Glad he ditched ‘em personally. Bow ties are sooooo much cooler.

    OH, my friend totally had a baby kangaroo at her house the other day. I thought of you and Victor’s anniversary. My husband totally didn’t believe me when he called to see where I was and I told him I was chasing a kangaroo at XXXX’s house. (She wasn’t supposed to have the kangaroo at home, but seriously- how do you manage to smuggle a kangaroo out of the zoo without someone knowing? She WAS wearing a suspiciously large sweater that day… And don’t worry- she totally works at the zoo so it was all good…. Eventually.)

    ANYWHO… love love love the blog (and Bloggess) and you totally need to share!

  41. One of these days I will learn to not drink anything while reading your posts. And I am with you on the use of “moist” and “panties” ESPECIALLY when used together.
    Thanks !!

  42. Those two words (moist, panties) came up multiple times at my improv show bachelorette party. I’m scarred for life.

    Megan recently posted Chocolate Cupcakes with Nutella Buttercream Frosting.

  43. Your book has a rating? Like a movie? All I know is I have been recommending it to everyone and gotten about 5 people to buy it already. Where’s my cut?

    Andrea recently posted Alphabet Photography ~ Product Review.

  44. Moist panties…oy! Now I can’t get that thought out of my head!

    Dolores recently posted Sometimes I hate Facebook.

  45. Woman, you can’t tease us like that about The Doctor and not share! I’m going nuts now! :D

  46. GOOD TIME LORD WOMAN!!! DON’T TEASE ABOUT THESE THINGS UNLESS YOU CAN DELIVER!!!….. that’s what he said ;-P

    Mona recently posted MY MOTHER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!.

  47. HAHAHAHAHAH Jessica and I are awesome !!

    Mona recently posted MY MOTHER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!!!.

  48. Well, it does take a lot of practice to use a handgun while on a zip line.

    Jon Jones recently posted Quizboard for iPhone and iPod touch.

  49. I live in a politically divided home too which really sucks since I’m blind so since he’s sighted I email him all my answers and he fills in all the little bubbles on my ballot and I’m always afraid he isn’t really voting for my people but I trust him so he probably is but yeah, I was stressed last night and happy this morning. Sometimes I can only communicate in run-on sentences because it’s fun.

    I’m gonna start keeping a closer eye on my emails from Amazon. You got me wondering how well they really know me.

    Ro recently posted Let’s Talk About Spoons.

  50. So, I am completely with you on the moist panties thing. Should be banned along with saying throbbing and or quivering loins. They all make it sound like you need to see a doctor.

  51. I totally understand Twitter since the mouse has no pants or panties! By the way, who else is surprised Bill Nye didn’t win. Just me?

    Chelsea recently posted Cat People Are Rude.

  52. My daughter’s most hated word is “moist.” I think it has something to do with sex ed.
    Loved your description of the accordianed paper and shivered when I read it.

    I know what you mean about not being able to write about something. I hesitated before posting my satire on legalizing weed in Colorado since I am not a political blogger, but I couldn’t help myself!

    Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) recently posted Rocky Mountain High.

  53. They’re just lucky you didn’t put the photo of the taxidermied squirrel flashing his nuts on the cover. Can you imagine? All those photos of a little tiny squirrel erection? The bookstore would have to stock it in the adult section.

    yetisaurus recently posted How to Make New Friends...Feel Awkward.

  54. I am so glad I am not the only one who can’t stand the word “panties.” I cringe every time I hear it. Then you went and added moist to it, and I might have thrown up a little in my mouth. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

  55. I add “crisp” to your list of community service words. Although crisp panties would be ok.

    The Kidless Kronicles

    Nicole@TheKidlessKronicles recently posted Tuesday: Barking at Pine Cones…..

  56. I’m dying to hear the Time Lord story. Can’t you change the names and blur the faces in the photos and tell it anyway? *puppy dog eyes*

    My emails from Amazon are never that interesting. I guess I need to buy some strange stuff in order to get a good email from them.

  57. I think we all, Conservative and Liberal alike, can be grateful for the absence of political ads for another year–and presidential ads are off for the next four years!

    Lee recently posted Defending Geekiness.

  58. Moist definitely needs to go and let’s don’t ever put “moist” and “panties” together ever again. Please.

    Just thinking about the pencil eraser sound sent my spinal cord somewhere into my body in some weird, twisty configuration. All I know is I can’t stand upright at the moment. EWWWW.

    I just want to know if the handgun-carrying, reflexology practicing bees can zipline because that? Would totally rock.

    Jenny recently posted Race Day Recap – Race #4.

  59. Twitter seems to know you pretty well. It’s a bit confusing though. If Twitter knows you so well, why is it blocking images of your own book?

    Rachel recently posted I Can't Believe I'm Writing About The Election.

  60. You will be exterminated!!!!

    cynicalbuddha recently posted The APO.

  61. MY EYES!!!!

  62. The fact that my panties are incessantly moist is bothersome. Sorry. I tried to put a few words between those words to free myself from eraser replacement jail.

    Arnebya recently posted Consistency.

  63. You are so weird. And wonderful. But mostly weird.

    Also, please no more mentions of metal on paper. My teeth & jaw have gone all wonky & clenched from the mere thought of that sound. Gah!

  64. I would rather receive Amazon email recommending stuff than some of the other emails I receive. Apparently there are black singles in the area that can’t wait to meet me, my member is too small, and I need Viagra for my erectile dysfunction. Nothing about moist panties though. Thank goodness for spam folders.

    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted More Inventions I Could Really Use.

  65. Um. wtf about Twitter not showing you your own book. I think it’s just jealous of you.

    Rebeccah recently posted My Political Coming Out.

  66. And “moist” should just be eliminated from the English language, unless it becomes a conjunction with cake.

    Rebeccah recently posted My Political Coming Out.

  67. Were you at my house this morning? Because my son was totally trying to erase with no eraser. I skipped the coffee and went straight to the gin. It’s gonna be a long day . . .

    Cheryl recently posted And the Sock Ran Away With . . ..

  68. My daughter took that bee keeping (beekeeping) class in Austin and enjoyed it. Course she has also done nearly all of the “100 Best Thing To Do This Summer” a couple of years ago. . .drag queen bingo, anyone?

  69. I think they should combine the Handgun class and the Zipline thing… Might be good training for the oh-so-gonna-happen Zombie Apocalypse.

    Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted Mommy Time Out!.

  70. > I can’t write about because (swear to God) it might endanger the well-being of The Doctor and myself…
    Oh, spoilers, eh?

    Tyler Tork recently posted Humanist Solstice Songs.

  71. Can you at least tell us which doctor? (Tennant? Smith?)

    Korinthia recently posted Remember to Goat.

  72. Mixed politics is one thing, try living in a house where everyone supports a different football team.

    Ashley recently posted Therapy Turned Me into a Watering Pot.

  73. Whhaaaaaaaat? Why are you being so uncool, twitter?

    Mayor Gia recently posted Not Having Power is Much More Unfortunate Than It Seems.

  74. Gracefully done!

    Kathleen recently posted Is that Walt Whitman on a Seahorse?.

  75. Amazon totally sent me an email suggestion for books I’d like in the SF/F genres, and at the top of the list /was my own book/.

    They’re…either very astute, or not at all.

    Katje recently posted I’m classy; I drink my whiskey from crystal glasses.

  76. The pencil eraser scenario made my teeth hurt.
    You can tell us about the Time Lord- we won’t tell anyone. Pinkie promise.

  77. Reflexology/Zip line? Where do I sign up?

    Stacey recently posted Putting things in order.

  78. I can’t speak for the book clerk, but I personally request ID’s from all individuals claiming to be named “Edwin.”

    moooooog35 recently posted Um...no thank you..

  79. It cracks me up that so many people hate “moist” and “panties”. I love both words, although saying them together is a bit creepy. But there really is no better word to describe a perfectly cooked muffin, than the m-word.

    Strive to Thrive,
    Nic
    http://www.Thriving-Wives.com

    Thriving Wives recently posted Juice: Who Knew... or Why Didn't Anyone Tell Me?.

  80. Sensitive material, huh? I bet your book’s feelings are hurt.

    Dana the Biped recently posted I Don't Care If You Call It Soda or Pop--This Is Still War..

  81. You have no idea how much I hate the word moist… and ointment aggggggggggggg I just twitched. Also I would KILL to meet The Doctor. I am jealous.

    KatPerez recently posted Elections are over.

  82. Once again when I am in need of a smile, a visit to your blog comes through and saves the day! What did it:
    “So instead I’ll share a bunch of shit I wrote that wasn’t funny enough to publish alone, in hopes that it gets funnier algebraically.”

    So simple minded, yet brilliant………Thanks Bloggess!

    francerants recently posted Lady Gaga.

  83. Don’t feel bad about Twitter. It blocked me from seeing an adorable picture of my friend’s little girl the other day. Babies are unsafe content too, apparently.

    Jordan recently posted A Conversation & An Alot.

  84. That is some funny shit lady.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Medication and the V.A..

  85. I want to know who the Time Lord is. Tell us!

    “Moist”…..blehh! I HATE that word and cringe anytime someone says it.

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted What The Gut?!.

  86. I get so skeeved out by that no eraser nonsense that i couldn’t finish reading your first paragraph and hand to scroll down until i could see none of those words. In fact, even typing this i’m making the face of someone being tortured. true story.

    Jen recently posted 2012 Presidential Election – Thoughts?.

  87. I had to go to Amazon to check out the permanent makeup products. I found it weirdly fascinating. Yes, I can be my own worst enemy but, I look forward to how Amazon thinks they now know me.

    Maureen recently posted NHBPM – Redesign A Doctor’s Office.

  88. When you described the lack-of-eraser sound, can I just say–I had that cringing, cold chills feeling like I actually heard it? Wow.

    Julie recently posted Shiitake Love..

  89. That sound makes me crazy, and now it’s kind of stuck in my head.

    Anne Stinnett recently posted Boobs!.

  90. I’m glad someone else cringes at the M word, especially when used with the P word. When he wants to really gross me out, my husband will use the phrase while ducking to escape whatever happens to be closest that I can throw at him.

    Julie recently posted I’m DeepFriedYankee and I Approve this Use of Cheddar aka A Perfect Storm of Ingredients.

  91. The word moist should only be followed by the word brownies. That should be an amendment on the next ballot.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted The Times, They Are A Changin'...We Rocked the Vote!.

  92. Wait, wait….if I can’t say “moist” and “panties,” then how can I accurately describe how I make brownies?

    Melissa recently posted Vote with me, baby, one more time.

  93. A class for reflexology AND zip lines? I AM SO IN!!!!!! I can be relaxed and have a great time on a zip line, really what could possibly go wrong w/this?

  94. I am impressed and off you my congratulations of achieving “blocked” status with your book. That’s how you know you’ve REALLY made it!

    Chris Dean recently posted BRAIN FOG!.

  95. My step-daughter’s mother has an issue with “moist” and “scabs”, but when the daughter puts them together Mom has to run gagging from the room. Hysterical!

  96. Amazon keeps offering me special personalized deals on various pest control products. I’m not sure why my mp3 and ebook purchases make them so sure I have wasp and rat problems, but there seems to be nothing I can do to dissuade them.

  97. My computer is trying to tell me your website is blocked. After overriding the block, I can only assume it’s because of the lurid image you shared.

    Ashleigh recently posted Depressed? Inevitably..

  98. I’m just saying that if you met David Tennant for real I will no longer read your blog.

    Okay, that’s a lie. I love your blog to much to just quit cold turkey.

  99. Censored first by a children’s library and now by Twitter? My Gord, woman, you are my HERO.

    andie recently posted Wherein an era comes to a close, and customer service flies out the window..

  100. I’ve got a mixed-political Facebook. I think I’ll have to stay away from it for the next few days because I keep reading people’s thoughts and cringing. “How on Earth can you actually believe that???” I think to myself. “You are a well-educated person! You are in the lower class, and one of the people running for President therefore HATES you, why do you still vote for him??”

    But, because I am a polite person, and because I truly hate when someone starts ranting political gibberish at me, I may post a link to various comparisons of the candidates, or to a story about someone who left the Republican party and why, but I leave it at that. Yesterday I talked about politics with a friend of mine who is the nicest person ever and voted for Romney. On our way home we heard a political ad where a couple ladies were talking about the political candidate who opposes a woman’s right to choose, and how “So and so trusts that women can make their own decisions.”
    My friend got outraged. “So this guy thinks that women can’t be trusted??? That’s ridiculous!!!!”
    I nodded sagely and kept my mouth shut.

    I feel surviving in a mixed-political environment involves a lot of keeping one’s mouth shut.

  101. I think it is obvious that the mouse is not wearing pants…

  102. So does your book get wrapped in a brown paper bag?!

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted How not to use a PDF to advertise yourself.

  103. Twitter has a filter?!

    Amanda recently posted Random thoughts pt 2.

  104. Also, the word ‘panties’ doesn’t bother me as much as some people, but ‘yum’ i can’t stand. Every time a red robin commercial comes on I want to punch my TV. And when bloggers say it in reference to a baby (i.e. ‘his yummy little toes’) it CREEPS ME OUT and makes my stomach turn. I HATE IT. I HATE IT SO SO MUCH.

    Amanda recently posted Random thoughts pt 2.

  105. That just means you’ve made it now. So that means you get to hang out with J.D. Salinger. Chalk it up to a win.

    The Suzzzz recently posted GIVEAWAY!!!.

  106. WTF, Jenny Lawson?!? Vague hints about spending time with a Doctor, but no damn details? It’s enough for me to go all Pond on you, dear. You wouldn’t like me when I’m Pond. Trust me.

    MOIST PANTIES! MOIST PANTIES! MOIST PANTIES!

    See? Now spill.

    jennielynn recently posted Freshly Pressed: Editors’ Picks for October 2012.

  107. Wow, I cannot believe that Victor is a Republican. I’m so sorry for you.

  108. If your panties are too moist, eventually you might need some ointment…for the sensitive content that is not appropriate for Twitter. I love Hamlet.

    XLMIC recently posted Tomorrow is a special day...and other random things.

  109. I’m pretty sure that sometime a few months ago a friend and I walked past a Time Lord ourselves. Tweed, bowtie, blue bicycle. That’s all I can say.

  110. Amazon thinks I like car decals of stick figures massacring other sticker figures with chainsaws. Between that and people finding my blog by searching “uterus cow,” I just don’t know who I am anymore.

    Creative Liar recently posted Suicidal Furniture.

  111. Well fuck. I need to go home and drink just to get the pencil/eraser/metel sound. I am more creeped out by that sound then spiders. Ugh.

  112. You can’t write about the Dr. Who thing right now, or you can’t write about the Dr. Who thing EVER? Is there forthcoming news that will break in the usual Dr. Who channels and then you’ll be able to write all about it and apply your sardonic, psychotic Texan wit and make us all laugh so hard we pee ourselves? Or what? Because WTF, LADY, DO NOT TEASE WITH THE DR. WHO CRAP UNLESS YOU CAN DELIVER.

    snarkinator recently posted O, tiny victory (Part 1).

  113. 118
    janellionaire

    actually, Nicole, crisp panties is what happens when moist panties get left on the floor a couple days. so, not ok.

  114. I think I met the 10th Doctor last night. I thought it was a dream, but now I am not so sure. I think we talked about something other than testicles, though.

    Laura Morrigan recently posted Etsy Christmas Wishlist.

  115. Instead of erasing things, I like to dig out 20-year-old bottles of Wite-Out my parents bought from Costco for me and cover up my spelling errors, which is sad since it would probably be easier to tear the whole thing up and start over again.

    And remember in the 80′s (for me it was 1986 to be exact), when girls painted their fingernails with Wite-Out and I tried to do that once, but I tried to smell it and my nose got too close, touched the bottle and I was making google eyes with a boy I liked while I had dried Wite-Out on my nose.

    P.S. I was not popular in school.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted The Presidential Election.

  116. I can totally see how you would get ads for both beekeeping and handguns, since in Texas, this is how pacifists deal with prowlers on their property. They keep several hives spaced about the yard, and if a suspicious character is seen lurking on the property, they don’t engage in violence by shooting the prowler.

    THEY JUST SHOOT THE NEAREST HIVE.

    Hilarity ensues.

  117. This post just proves that we really should have voted for you for President. Ban pencils with no erasers! Ban the word moist! Ban panties! …wait…

    Oh, and the lack of the Doctor story is killing me. Can’t we bribe you with some animals or something?

  118. First, the eraser. I have a very real and very unjustified fear that my eye will somehow get poked out by pencils with used-up erasers. I’ve had it all of my life.

    Second, I’ve clearly passed irrational feelings to my offspring. “Panties.” This word brings to mind cute girls in bikini bottoms with tiny red polkadots. To my mind. To my 13 year old daughter’s mind, it brings “salty garbage” to the surface. Salty garbage…for some reason this fact makes me want to say “panties. Panties, PANTIES!!!” to her daily. But I don’t. I just do it a few times a week.

    I had to comment…you hit two birds with one erratic post.

  119. I also elect the word “debunk.” It sounds like a strange anti-sex act.

    Natalie the Singingfool recently posted Phoning it In: A Chair, A Conqueror.

  120. i agree. speaking the words: “moist panties” should be a total crime.

    monica recently posted The results are in. My kids are the wittiest..

  121. Love that Twitter is protecting you from yourself…LOL. I run into the tidbit conundrum at times too…lots of little things that come floating through my mind that aren’t really big enough for their own post but still are noteworthy enough to occupy space in my brain…sometimes they end up as FB status updates but then that is such a limited audience. (Sadly, I get more reads on FB than I do on Blogger even though one is not open to the public and the other is).

    Mishka recently posted Maru, Fat And Happy.

  122. Okay, totally had a mouthful of cottage cheese when I read “moist panties.” Cottage cheese is now cringeworthy by association now. Dammit.

  123. On Monday I was buying some stuff to donate to Hurricane Sandy victims, and one of the things on the list to donate was underwear (new in package, of course) so I while I was at the store buying female unders I told my husband that “panties” is probably the worst word ever. Then changed my mind and said “‘Moist’ is pretty bad, too.” Then we decided repulsive feeling the words “moist panties” come out of your mouth is akin to eating poo. Then I read this. Wow, Jenny. I believe your fourth anecdote, because you probably listened to my conversation at a Baltimore Target while spending quality time with a certain unnamed Time Lord. How else would you have gotten to Baltimore and home again so quickly?

  124. 129
    Lady Penelope

    I tried to ban the use of the word “panties” from our house but failed as my ‘Victor’ found my cringing funny.
    Was not so hilarious after I joined “man” to “panties”.

    Also, “crotch”. Don’t care much for that one either.

  125. I personally believe math is the answer to everything, and so of course your “shit that’s not funny enough to publish” was algebraically hysterical. I think. I am still trying to figure out the cosign and tangent of the Doctor bit, but Twitter really summed it all up for me. :)

    GinaP recently posted Damn You Fun Size Candy!!!!.

  126. I think this year we were a mixed political household on everything except whether to make our county a wet county. How sad is it that alcohol was all we could agree on? :-)

  127. holy hell, moist panties is the worst phrase in the entire english language. i’m going to need 2 years of therapy and a prescription for something stronger just to get over the fact that i even typed it. my husband uses that phrase when he’s trying to skeev me out and it works every time. i of course have the words ovaries, uterus and menstruation up my sleeve. use all three and you won’t hear a peep out of that kid for hours.

  128. That tweet is CLASSIC. :-) Congrats!!!!

    Kristen @ The Balanced Bowl recently posted Sweet Potato for Smooth Skin and Relaxation.

  129. 134
    Kathy Prado

    Love you – lots and lots and lots.
    If you ever get stuck at DFW Airport – text me – I will be there to pick you up and give you a safe place to stay.
    You can have your own room and not be bothered at all – except I will provide nibblies and slushy wine – for you
    enjoyment!!

    Kathy

  130. Holy fucktoast seriously Jenny, i saw this and thought of you

    http://pinterest.com/pin/21532904439900850/

    Lori recently posted And then…Snickers disappeared..

  131. @ Mel So pleased that someone else has discovered the joyful power of words like ovaries, uterus and menstruation but how could you not include vagina. A certain – adult – male in my family is subject to blushing at the word and frequent repetition only enhances the effect. Needless to say it often appears randomly in any conversation, relevant or not.

  132. I have to agree with Dominic that damn mouse is naked… to think that a “family” oriented store like Walmart will not care graphic CD’s however they will allow mice to be naked and on the cover for all to see. And seriously “moist panties” ?? who came up with the test group during the research phase of the product testing that said “yes we need to know more on this subject” the screening questions, even thinking about it sends shivers up my spin

  133. Haha!! This makes me really look forward to your book that I’m getting in December! what *did* you put in there?!
    Also please do watch the videos you are getting because I linked you to a really cool hobbit themed flight safety video! :D

    Miss Gee recently posted Boobies. That's our safe word for when things are getting a little too depressing..

  134. Amazon is awesome!

    Cheryl D. recently posted Yippee! Yahoo! Yowza!.

  135. Some of those Amazon recommendations are just hilarious.

    Kattie recently posted Messy.

  136. Oh my god, I know exactly what you mean about the pencil/eraser thing. Ugh. It’s the same with clicky-ballpoint pens too, when the actual writing part is hidden and you try to write with it? My friends think I’m weird because I snatch their pens up when they try to write with their pen like that and cover my ears. Oh well.

    Klementine recently posted Crying totally helps you..

  137. OMG I love you even more for because you have a *bad words* list for us to observe.
    My kitchen is filled with chalkboards (we have preeeeetty bad OCD here) and we use
    them to list bad words (moist – loin – ointment), good words (pajamas), mispronounced words
    (especially, asterisk, ask), words we thought everyone learned in school (there, their, they’re).
    THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING.

  138. are you aware that this exists?
    http://imgur.com/gallery/qHNo1

  139. My friend and fellow Bloggess reader emailed me a link to yesterday’s post. Unfortunately, I woke up to an email with the title of the unmentionable phrase about, well, unmentionables. When the shock and horror subsided, I courageously clicked on the link, and was relieved to read of our shared disgust. There ARE other people out there who have a visceral reaction to “that” phrase! I was so moved by the post and reader comments, that I conceptualized and founded (in the last 30 minutes), PAMPA:
    PAMPA = People Against “*oist **anties” Applications (If you can’t figure it out, *=M and **=P, and I am sorry for you.)
    (DISCLAIMER: The PAMPA organization is in no way affiliated with the city of Pampa, Texas.)
    I have been reading your posts and comments for a while now, but I have always hesitated to comment (not only here, but elsewhere on the interweb). You have given me a voice, and today, I feel part of your community. For that, I am eternally grateful.

  140. I like the conversation TechyDad envisioned. It sounds so possible.

    You can’t tell us that you can’t tell us about the Doctor. That’s just unfair. Especially if you mean the real Doctor and not one of the actors. I totally would be a Companion if he asked. I could even keep it secret.

    But he would have to let me bring my dogs. I bet the Doctor can create a park for them in the Tardis basement. Can you imagine a Great Dane on the Tardis?

    Sue recently posted Isn't flushable a requirement for toilet paper?.

  141. @TechyDad

    I love where you were headed with this fanfic. Can we make this real? Would love to read the adventures of The Doctor and The Bloggess. I’m not great at writing but there are plenty of creative people here that would do a fantastic job. MAKE THIS HAPPEN PEOPLE!

    Side note: ALWAYS hated the word moist. That word and supple.

  142. This comment has nothing to do with the entry, but I saw this on imgur and of COURSE thought of you:

    http://imgur.com/gallery/qHNo1?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+ImgurGallery+%28Imgur+Gallery%29&utm_content=FeedBurner

    Taxidermied squirrel with a cowboy hat riding a taxidermied rattlesnake just SCREAMED Bloggess.

  143. @Klementine – I’m so glad you addressed this, The pencil thing is bad, but the tipless clicky pen is bad too!

    I just want everyone to know that the sentance, ‘I stepped, barefooted, on moist panties’ should be banned forever. :) You’re Welcome

  144. So firstly, I am freaking out that you have timelord related news that you not only can’t share NOW, but can NEVER share! That is the meanest thing you have ever put online. :(

    Secondly, in internet-stalker-like news, I totally had a random dream last night that you were starring in your own TV show. It was called “JENNY!” and it was bigged up for MONTHS on one of the big network stations. NPH played your husband, and it was tipped to be the biggest show ever.

    And then it got cancelled after two episodes because you got overwhelmed with success, hid in your trailer and refused to do any more tapings.

    So that’s twice you’ve disappointed me in the last 24 hours. Poor form, missus.

    Katie Vyktoriah recently posted The Big Unveiling….

  145. I found this on the internet and it instantly made me think of you and your book.
    http://i.imgur.com/qHNo1.jpg

  146. I SAW THE DOCTOR TOO!!! When my family went to watch a jousting tournament (I’m really old…). He was a ginger regeneration with a busty blonde companion. AND IT WAS AWESOME!! And since I was never his companion, I can post this online like that weird guy in series 1 episode 1 that Rose met. We left before anyone started dying tho cuz I have little kids…

  147. OMG, I thought I was the only one who had an irrational aversion to the words Moist and Panties! Worst.Words.Ever!!

  148. When I see thing like this: http://imgur.com/gallery/qHNo1
    I think of you

    Natasha H recently posted OH SH*T!.

  149. I understand. I live in a mixed political head. I voted for 3 different parties’ candidates this time and probably would have had a 4th if they’d have made the ballot in PA.

    I hate the word “smear.” My mother used lots of those awful-to-hear words, I swear just to irritate me, which is why I had to be medicated for so long. It’s true. I no longer needed (most of) those things after moving out of her house (and avoiding her shitty attitude like the plague). I have to dose up around the holidays, though.

    It begs the question: When pregnant, is it more appropriate to say my panties are constantly moist or just out with, “I think I pissed myself”?

    The eraser thing is annoying. I have a bigger problem with erasers that aren’t actually soft, so they just rub against the paper, creating a smudge, perhaps tearing a hole, and making that awful dry-on-dry noise that makes me want to tear out my fingernails.

  150. 155
    Minnesota Red

    But this story you can never tell will be in your next book, I hope!

  151. What about bees who OWN handguns? That sounds dangerous.

    Audra recently posted I hope my child doesn’t get run over by a pothead.

  152. 157
    Julie Collins

    Did you know the BBC America store is advertising a plush Dalek that talks! I want one!

  153. Apparently it’s pretty racy because it’s blocked here at the office. I shan’t be able to make a final opinion until i am released from this afternoon’s indentured servitude.

    The Wifely Person recently posted Erev Elections: Get Out There And Vote.

  154. 159
    Princess Judy

    Really people? I find ‘drizzling shits’ far more cringe worthy than ‘moist panties,’ especially when used in reference to household pets.

    I did an informal survey of word pairs that made people cringe (amongst my Facebook friends) and got: tax audit, drizzling shits, oozing pus, overflowing toilet, man boobs, etc (no moist panties, sorry) but the winner was: Let’s Talk.

  155. I don’t know where else to send this to you – but SERIOUSLY HAVE YOU SEEN THIS: http://imgur.com/gallery/qHNo1. Love your posts and your book and your awesomely weird interests and the fact that from now on in my life, whenever I see a taxidermied squirrel riding a snake I will always think of Jenny the Bloggess!

  156. Your mouse is basically naked. What is he, some kind of flasher? I mean, do you ever think about the children?

    Still have chills down my spine thinking about that pencil thing.

    Ms. PC recently posted The Shower Head Incident.

  157. Twitter is so freaking pretentious. I changed the time of day on my iPhone because for some reason iPhone’s don’t update automatically without a reboot. Seems redonkulous to me. I mean even my crappy Blackberry changed by itself without reboot but I digress. Anyway, now, Twitter won’t work on my phone because it’s got the wrong time of day even though the time of day isn’t really wrong. Stupid Twitter. “No sir, we won’t let you use our app on your phone because you’re too stupid to reboot your iPhone. Sincerely Twitter.”

    Smokeynall recently posted PARTYING WITH PEE WEES.

  158. “Moist” and “pantiy/ies” are seriously my 2 least favorite words. Ever. I cringe. Thank you for agreeing.

  159. If I were a companion, I would stay with the Doctor until something horrible happened (since that is the expected outcome for companions). At least I could say my life was anything but boring!

    Robyn Webb recently posted What I've Been Up To Lately.

  160. 165
    Evalynn Rose

    When you mentioned moist panties, I thought you were criticizing one of the candidates for using the term “moist panties” too much, and I was trying to remember which one did that. I couldn’t remember, so I figured it must have been Ron Paul. He just looks like someone who would run around talking about moist panties. And he was also a gynecologist, so there’s that.

    Two things – the eraser shit is possibly the worst noise ever… it’s on par with an awkward dinner party where all the guests are scraping their knives over their plates and there isn’t any laughter to cover that noise up. Really, I would take shouts of rage/hatred… or cries of pain and sadness…. instead of silence. I just hate the sound of metal scraping across a flat surface. (by the way, I throw awesome dinner parties.)

    The other thing is, my husband and I don’t always see eye to eye either on politics. We are pretty close on what drives us in our souls to be good people, but we can sometimes arrive at different conclusions. It can be a little tense, but I think it also makes you realize the best people in life can look at things a little differently too, and there’s room for both because balance is a good thing. We just save our rage filled political debates for awkward dinner parties and then everyone wins.

  161. That’s why I bought the electronic version. No ID checks there!

  162. But if you take off your glasses and squint, the mouse does look quite a lot like a giant penis.

    No? Squint harder.

    Christian recently posted Advice from Chekhov on Writing.

  163. for the past year and a half my husband and i cannot stop laughing when ever we hear or use the words moist or panties. we try to find ways to use it in sentences together to freak people out. i think you are bugging my house because waaaay too many times when i read your blog, i think i wrote it. plus my husband tried to copernicus strangle me this morning with a *hug*. it’s like i live your blogs. seriously, you rock jenny!

  164. Just a technical note; on my blog I perform your same strategy when I have many, but tiny/minor things to say. Between two items you use a line of dots. This is quite fine but I am more formal and instead of dots or other equivalent key strokes I write something like “New subject” (underlined, bold, italics and in red) or any similar crap that would give a more noble presentation to the following nonsense. Cheers.

  165. I’m really disappointed- I read your book and thought it was interesting and funny you and your husband’s political differences. I also assumed that as the right moved more and more into religious wingnut territory, that your husband remained a small government type and not a radical anti woman homophobe. I mean, he’s married to you, you’re smart, articulate, accomplished and I’d hate to see anyone try to tell you what to do!

    But the fact you’re not even mentioning the 20 women in senate, the election of the first lesbian, first asian american woman, first disabled female veteran, to the senate, the triumph of gay marriage votes, or any of the other myriad of social issues that you seem to support because “you live in a mixed political household,” well, that’s just sad-making.

  166. Seriously? :<

  167. Wait did you block my comment or did the Time Lord? lol I feel so censored. Tell your husband that we will all support The Bloggess for president 2016!

  168. Are you talking Matt Smith Doctor or David Tennant? If you are withholding a Tennant story, well, karma is a cruel mistress, my friend. Why don’t you just clear your conscience now so you can get some sleep.

  169. The metal on paper thing makes my teeth literally hurt. OUCH!
    Also? I almost never give my bees hand guns.
    Devan

  170. please don’t describe that in detail EVER AGAIN.*shudder*

  171. I often think that you have written one of the funniest sentences I have ever read, and then I come across something like “People using the phrase “moist panties” should have to spend two weeks in community service replacing worn pencil erasers”

    Amen, sister.

    sheriji recently posted free speech violation? or finally marginalizing those who should be marginalized.

  172. I’ve decided to teach my super-adorable child to say “moist ointment” over and over and over and then parade him through the offices where I know word-a-phobes who suffer from exactly this problem. And he is going to say it adorably. It’ll be awesome.

    Mark C recently posted What I learned from Gabe this year.

  173. I have never met anyone who loathes the words “moist” and “panties” as much as I do. I almost couldn’t type them. I cannot and will never use either of these words in a sentence.
    I feel the same way about… ugh… “morsel”.

  174. Your “friend” sent you that tweet? I don’t think he’s a very good friend if he is just now buying your book. What kind of friend waits this long. I think he secretly hates you. Either that or he was hoping it would go on super-duper sale and he could get a great price. *I* would never do something like that…My friend loves me too much and bought me a copy.

  175. Thanks for sharing! I have to disagree, though. We can’t use the word “moist” enough. Try working it into a business conversation…it is easier than you think.

    Billy recently posted Best Fingerprint Gun Safe or Biometric Gun Safe.

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