Three-way

Conversation I had with Victor on the way home:

me:  Yeah.  Because there’s nothing more helpful than God in a three-way.

Victor:  WHAT?

me:  That church sign we just drove past.  It encouraged people to pull God in on a three-way when they’re in trouble.

Victor:  I’m almost positive it didn’t say that.

me:   Well, it implied it.  It said: “WHEN TROUBLE CALLS, CALL ON GOD.”  And you can’t call God while you’re still on the phone with trouble…unless you call him on a three-way.  Or unless you’re at work and you schedule a conference call.  Or if use Skype or something.

Victor:  I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to take those signs quite that literally.

me: Of course not.  Because God isn’t in the phone book.  The three-way is implied.  Or…hypothetical.  They should have just written “Have an imaginary three-way with God.”

Victor:  No one should ever write that.

me: Oh, because people get upset if you say “imaginary” and “God” in the same sentence?  So instead you’d have to say “Have faith in three-ways with God.”

Victor:  No.  Because you’re not supposed to say “three-ways” and “God” in the same sentence.  We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.

me:  If God wasn’t unlisted I’d call Him and explain that I’m referring to conference calls.

Victor:  I’m sure He’s eavesdropping.  You’re probably fine.

me:  “Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”  That’s what my church sign would say.

Victor:  I’d probably go to that church.

me:  Who wouldn’t?

188 replies. read them below or add one

  1. 1
    CrankyAmy (@CrankyAmy)

    “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”

    See you guys there!!

  2. Brilliant. Why did I never think of this? Talk about the ultimate mediator.

    Muriel recently posted Quick lunch post. Organic spelt pumpkin muffin, cantaloupe, celery, and…Twinkies? WTF?.

  3. God was eavesdropping, he says you are fine but only because he has not laughed that hard in a long time.

    PS he said St. Peter still hasn’t stopped snorting.

  4. I’d be on like, 5 committees of that church!

    Nic recently posted Facebook Promotes Obesity, and I Don’t Appreciate It.

  5. I’m sorry to inform you, Jenny, but God’s number is listed – it’s just hidden from you. He says you’re too damn hilarious – I mean blasphemous – to have his direct line. It’s time you knew the truth.

    Melanie recently posted Abundance.

  6. Using three-way calling for that is only common sense, right?

    Besides – wouldn’t God be too busy to take a phone call just because trouble called you again? How often does trouble call you? It calls me a few times a day. I’m pretty sure that IF God answered the phone, he’d probably just suggest that I get a new number or a restraining order against trouble. Maybe just don’t answer. Them he would tell me that he doesn’t have time for my shit and if I don’t stop wasting his time, he’ll just take the rest of mine.
    Way to be an asshole, God…

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted The Jeneral’s jargon – and why I need to give my kids guns for Christmas.

  7. I really don’t think God is that judgemental at attempts at humor. If he is…I’ll be keeping you company in hell. Promise.

  8. Oh wait – this just in. . . hold on I’m getting a fuzzy communication from God here. . . lemme just adjust the antenna . . . got it. God says that he’s not real, and that if you want help with trouble you should look within to the god inside of you, and then look around to the god inside everyone. Which is both comforting and oxymoronic at the same time. Good luck with that.

    Melanie recently posted Abundance.

  9. I’d go to that church too.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Flight and drugs..

  10. I went to a wedding once where the priest kept referring to the marriage as a three way with God. I do not lie. It was all we could do not to die laughing in church.

    Christina @ The Scrappy Housewife recently posted The Things I Don't Say....

  11. Do people even do 3 ways anymore?? I mean when I was young me and my girlfriends all wants to be together… but these days? Im thinking God should have a hashtag…. That was all probably way more entertaining for me to type than for you to read :)

    Kerry recently posted Humble and Grateful.

  12. You should be confident that God would definitely have a three way with you. Via Skype. And I agree with Victor for once, I’d for sure go to your church!
    Xoxo

    Absolute Mommy recently posted Even my illnesses have psychological problems.

  13. yup, God is totally into 3-ways

    Carmen recently posted Quick update. Sorta.

  14. You are seriously the best! LOL

  15. So then, God is condoning three-ways?

    Audra recently posted Thankfullgivingness.

  16. When you have a three-way with god, don’t just show up naked. Wait for the nudity to develop naturally.

    Jim W recently posted Magic Moments - Childswork.

  17. There seems to be a breakdown in communication at my house, too. This time of year, the kids’ prayers start with, “Dear Santa Godsus, …”

    http://www.momintwocultures.com/2012/02/phalluses-and-other-inappropriate.html

    Mom in Two Cultures recently posted Girl Power 2.

  18. And now all I have in Joan Osborne in my head whining… “What if God was one of us….”

    If God was one of us, he’d be laughing his ass off. Three-ways with God = awesome.

    Cathy recently posted Real mature, America.

  19. If people from that church knocked on my door and asked to talk about Jesus, I would TOTALLY invite them in for coffee and handcuffs. I mean cookies.

    karifur recently posted How to Become an Elephant in three easy steps.

  20. I’ve got my handbasket all picked out!

  21. And this….is why you’re popular with swingers. For real, but don’t ask me to explain because it’d just be too confusing.

  22. God has had me on hold for quite awhile. I understand my call is important to him.

    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted Thankfulness With A Touch Of PMS.

  23. On the plus-side, hell isn’t that bad. And Satan is a little darling. No, really; she is.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Premonitions.

  24. Somehow I am now hearing Manhattan Transfer singing Operator, Information, Give me Jesus on the line :-)

  25. I adore you!

  26. Three way CALLS is not what I thought you meant. My mind definitely went to the gutter.

    ColdBlooded recently posted Rolls Eyes..

  27. I would totally go to that church. Also, I’d look forward to seeing what other, non-three-way referencing signs it would have.

    Jaime recently posted I still change my mind 1nc a month about the boys I like.

  28. HA!

    a friend just RT the link to your blog, so I am new here and I have to just laugh. this is hilarious.

    I have no other words because I am still laughing and I am now following.

    Thank you for that lol

    Ashley recently posted Raven, I am shaking my meds!.

  29. ROFL!It’s true YO!

    Cristal recently posted ~Free Printables & Giveaway!~.

  30. You have the best conversations. Ya know, that would explain all of the Televangelists from the 1980’s getting caught with mistresses. They claimed God talked to them every day.

    Graylin Fox recently posted SMOLDER has a cover!.

  31. If there are three-ways in church now, I might convert back to being Christian!

  32. I’d go to that church, too :) I think you should start one!

    Julie recently posted Mantra of the day:.

  33. “When trouble calls, call on God”? How about you just spring the extra $1.00 per month for caller ID?

    One classy motha recently posted Tips for Tuesday! Want a better restaurant experience?.

  34. Now I have that song “3-Way” from SNL stuck in my head. Not that I’m complaining. Because now I’m also laughing my head off.

  35. You and Victor have the funniest conversations. Love this. :)

    Tara Robinson recently posted Royal Weddings Need More Meth....

  36. If God exists* and is perfect**, theoretically he*** has a perfect sense of humor. Which means he’s laughing his ass off at this post.

    * Not saying he does
    ** Not saying he is
    *** Not using ‘he’ to imply God is male, just easier than typing he/she/it. Which would have been a lot easier than typing this huge postscript.

    Heretic Husband recently posted Guest Post - Exposing the Independent Fundamental Baptist Denomination.

  37. Operator
    Information
    Get me Jesus on the line

    (Pretty sure Jesus didn’t go in for three-ways, either.)

    Wendy recently posted Bronze Butterfly Necklace and Earring Set with Brown and Ivory Beads by NerdyNecklaces.

  38. Church just became so much less boring. I’ll share that with my pastor. “Your sermons would be awesome if you talked about three ways.” I might have to explain three way.

    Lorca Damon recently posted This Pole Dancing Championship Post Wrote Itself.

  39. Oh, this was so much what I needed just now. Thanks so much for the laughs.

    Andrea recently posted Things I learned this week ....

  40. Wait, wait … we’re all going to hell?

    SHOTGUN, BITCHES!

  41. God, God can be such a pervert!

    No wait.

    I’m thinking of you and me.

    Nevermind.

    Stephanie C | Seriously? Really?? Seriously? recently posted Wedding Wire is full of shyte..

  42. We’ll all have a huge ass gathering down there just for reading this, HAHA loved it!

  43. I swear I could have had this conversation with my husband. Loved it and really your church sounds like my kind of church!!!

    Janine Huldie recently posted The Times They Are A Changing and Kids Do Grow Up, Too….

  44. … and we’re probably going to Hell just for reading that conversation!

    ~EdT.

    EdT. recently posted (A)WW: Rollin’, rollin’, rollin’….

  45. Umm… isn’t Christianity all about 3-ways? The Father, The Son and the Holy Spirit? I thought the whole thing was about a big man-on-man-on-man 3-way. You’re telling me I didn’t understand Sunday School? You’re telling me my whole religious upbringing to believe that homosexuality is awesome and that 3-ways are the only way to fly has been wrong???

    Annie Jay recently posted Thursday is Officially the Most Random Day of the Week.

  46. And suddenly the Holy Trinity makes sense.

    Did I ever tell you your book made me laugh my gallbladder out? True story.

  47. I don’t even want to go to Heaven unless I can talk about three-ways there. I mean, come on, could you really go an entire eternity without mentioning a three-way?!

    Meg recently posted Don't Do That Tuesday.

  48. reduced to crying and giggling with intermittent snorts of renewed laughter. I should probably invest in adult pull ups.

  49. “Three-way” must be some American English term for telecommunications, because I’ve never heard it before.
    I keep on interpreting it at “three-some”…

    Claire J recently posted London and the Science.

  50. Lol, I would like to think of god as being a good debate monitor (as that would surely be his role in any kind of “3-way”). The ultimate fact checker in an argument, in any case, even if he might be biased toward the more moral viewpoint

    Winopants recently posted Leo, Buckets of Drool, and Other Alter Egos.

  51. Since God is a woman and I’m not into three-ways, I would prefer a polycom with God thanx.

  52. I really, REALLY wanted to be a part of this conversation, but I couldn’t think of something funny to say and I didn’t want to just post my usual, “lol”. So, I decided to phone a friend and I sent my husband a text message that said, “QUICK! Say something funny about threeways or God.” So far, he hasn’t responded.

    You’d think he’d be used to this by now.

    Czaja! recently posted About ME.

  53. As someone who’s about to endure WAY TOO MUCH time in the company of way too conservative people (my extended family, three of whom are Methodist ministers) I want to put this entire post on a t-shirt. Hell, it’d have to be a tunic, printed front and back.

  54. 56
    Margaret Osako

    I’d sing in the choir at your church. Then I’d bake cookies for the bakesale at your church to apologize for the singing.

  55. *This* is the feel-good Thanksgiving post I’ve been looking for. Thank you.

    Cindy Reed recently posted Who Moved My Goddamned Cheese (and Every Other Fucking Thing I Own)?.

  56. God has a tremendous sense of humor… just look at my publishing career!

  57. I think when you try to call God for help you never actually get Him. It’s like when you call AT&T, you never get the CEO, you get some woman in The Philippines. So I think when you call God you get a three-way with some woman from The Philippines which may be OK depending on your mood.

    Tom recently posted Elijah Parish Lovejoy.

  58. I would love to be in one of your conversations with Victor. Not to add anything. Just to enjoy the non-sequiturs first hand.

    And I loved Heretic Husband’s comment. (#37)

    Sue recently posted Uncomfortable position - you would think.

  59. Do you think God still uses ICQ?

    Synnove @ Don't Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted Turkey Tornadoes.

  60. I’ll run the cake walk at your church basement parties!

    jesspants recently posted NaBloPoMo – 19/30.

  61. An update on my last comment:

    My husband finally responded. He said, “What do a woman’s orgasm and God have in common?” (I edited out all the misspelled words and horrible sentence structure because I don’t want him to be “that guy” on the internet)

    Expecting something hillarious or perverted, I was thrilled and said, “Everything?” Then it took him 9 minutes to respond, so I was thrilled with anticipation.

    He finally said, “They’re both a mystery to men and we’ll spend our lifetime trying to figure it out.”

    AN.TI.CLIMACTIC. Accurate, but unfunny.

    Czaja! recently posted About ME.

  62. You seriously need to share your drugs!

    Melissa Lawler recently posted Credit Sesame $200 Thanksgiving Giveway.

  63. That did NOT go the way I thought it would. And it’s not like I’m new here or anything, so I should have known better! :)

  64. You really need to write a new edition of the Bible, dear lady! Seriously. I ‘d love to see what you’d do with the New Testament…
    At the very least, you should drive back to that church and offer to write their signage from now on…

  65. I so love your perspective! You make me laugh! And I’ve seen much more explicit signs than that – like you shouldn’t just be saying “Oh God” in bed. ;)

    Borg Blog recently posted Coming Out.

  66. When my husband and I got married, we were told in our ceremony, to have a threesome with Jesus. The words our pastor used were, “This marriage is a twosome. I invite you to make it a threesome with Jesus”. Aside from kissing my husband, that’s all I remember from the actual ceremony itself. It definitely woke up some of our guests as well.

  67. My kind of church.

    Sherry Carr-Smith recently posted Veterans Day, Grandma, and Military Wives.

  68. What about 4-ways?

    Kind of need to know ASAP.

    moooooog35 recently posted ..and yet, somehow, my Facebook Friends count keeps going UP. ???.

  69. I’m pretty sure if God didn’t have a sense of humor Kevin Smith would’ve been struck down for Alanis Morrisette doing cartwheels as God in Dogma.

    Besides, Borg Blog is so right: God is probably in most bedrooms at some point anyway.

    Jess recently posted CLIMB INTO THE HANDBASKET...and hang the hell on..

  70. Another way of explaining the Trinity, too. :)

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted The Worst Toys of 2012: The Call 9-1-1 Award.

  71. Of course the Almighty is into a bit of kink. It’s in the bible… And I quote:
    “Blessed is he who cums in the name of The Lord” I think I read that right.

  72. If you wrote a new edition of the Bible, I might finally read it.

  73. Trinitarian doctrine suggests that God is the originator of the 3-way.

    Jon Jones recently posted Whirling Dervish Pomeranian (iOS iMovie upload test).

  74. You’re not going to hell for that.

    I know these things because I’m a *missionary*. You can toootally trust me. *Missionaries* are never full of shit. Sometimes.

    Jamie the Very Worst Missionary recently posted The Story of Church..

  75. I’ll be tending the bar in hell, so stop by. Your first one’s on me.

    When I Blink recently posted Give and Take: The Thankful List (And a Present).

  76. I was on the bus in Vancouver last year, and drove past a church sign that said (no joke), “God’s favorite word is ‘Come'”. If I hadn’t been on my way to the airport for a flight, I would have gotten off the bus right there for a photo…

    Kirsten recently posted Stop the presses!.

  77. Gives new meaning to “multitasking”.

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted My Web Interview on the Art of Twitter Storytelling.

  78. what’s a phone book?

    Simone recently posted There is no finish line.

  79. I live in northern Alberta. It hits -40 here in the winter. The idea of spending eternity somewhere warm appeals to me.
    I’d totally go to your church.

    sarina recently posted Parent teacher interviews; the good, the bad and the simmering irritation..

  80. Watch out for the lightning bolts! :)

    Mama D recently posted Pride Goeth Before Turkeys.

  81. I can’t be the only person with a dirty mind. Phones are not involved with what I thought of when I read “three way” by the Bloggess.

  82. My father-in-law said to meet him in the bar in hell. I’ll bring a cocktail to the washroom for you.

  83. I almost drove off the road when I saw this message on the sign for the Church that was down the hill from my old house:

    You are never as tall as you are
    when you are on your knees

    ColinP recently posted Requiescat in Pace Tony Scott (06/21/1944 – 08/19/2012).

  84. a. God IS eavesdropping. Definitely
    b. This is not a “hell” offense

  85. Maybe the church meant that when trouble calls, you should hang up and call God instead. That’s really bad phone etiquette, though. I think God would be much cooler with people talking about three-ways than he would be with poor phone manners.

    Jillian recently posted Dear Rude Subway Girl,.

  86. It’s like I’m in heaven because I enjoyed that so much, but that can’t be right…

    Anne Stinnett recently posted I Don't Want Anyone to Die Because of This.

  87. We’d all go to that church…

    Hope recently posted Crap I feel like saying..

  88. I’d go to your church regardless of the slogan. But that’s a good one.

    Sara recently posted Opportunities in Disguise.

  89. Jenny, you continue to make my life a better place with your harity! Love You!

  90. That’s HILARITY!!! LOL

  91. So I’m thinkin’ that if everybody is going to call God whenever Trouble calls them, why doesn’t God just tap into Trouble’s phone line anyway and save us all the extra minute of dialing up that 3-way call?

  92. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”

    Call me skeptical.
    But if I’m wrong, please say hi for me to my ex …

  93. I have to believe that God has a sense of humor about successful three-ways, botched menage a trois, and all that lies in between. At least I hope so.

    Katie recently posted Back in the Old Country, I would have been the most desirable babe in the Kleinstadt..

  94. Not to complicate matters, but it’s actually a five-way, right? Because of the Father-Son-Holy-Ghost thing?
    Kisses,
    Katherine

    Katherine @ Eggton recently posted What Not To Do With A Bottle Of Port.

  95. I have caller ID. That way when trouble calls, I know to just let it roll to voice mail. Unless it’s the fun trouble, then I’ll pick up.

    And just in case anyone doubts the almighty’s sense of humor, I have 2 words: platypus. Walmart.

    Jami recently posted Going for a record.

  96. OMG You’re amazing! I love it!

  97. I’m glad I won’t be the only one in hell.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted There's a special in place in hell for people like us.

  98. you crack me up!
    Thanksgiving in San Angelo on Saturday! Hope to see you there, come see how messed up my family is & you can see the creepy deer coming out of the wall that your dad made. Bring him & your mom, too, oh, and yes Victor is invited, Laura, too!

    (Sadly, my cat is sick so I’m spending Thanksgiving at Taco Cabana down the road. ~ Jenny)

  99. In God we trust…to guide us through a three-way.

    We might all be going to hell for reading this, but judging by the tone of commenters, I think it’s bound to be one kick-ass party.

    Crys Wiltshire recently posted Talking With My Toddler #3.

  100. This sooo sounds like a conversation my husband and I would have….

    Jennifer recently posted Our English House- Part 3.

  101. I’m going to suggest this kind of signage to my church.

    Kathleen recently posted Walk Like an Egyptian.

  102. A lot of my Christian friends love to talk about how God has to be present in a marriage in order for it to work. (I don’t agree, I think atheists can have great marriages, but I digress.) Anyway, I thought that’s what this post was going to be about. Having a marital three-way with God. But this is funny, too. I miss three-way phone calls…

  103. I love these conversations with Victor. They’re so hilarious.

    Courtney recently posted Things I’ve learned while living in this rental house.

  104. Funniest thing I have read all day! I would totally go to the church that said ”Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”

    Rebecca recently posted Top Ten Tuesday: 10 Authors/Books I am Thankful For.

  105. Funniest thing I have read all day! I would totally go to the church that said ”Have faith that God is okay with you talking about three-ways.”

    Rebecca recently posted Top Ten Tuesday: 10 Authors/Books I am Thankful For.

  106. I would like to apply to be the “organist” in your Church of Three-Ways. (Right Way, Wrong Way, Three Way) Also, can you imagine the performance anxiety that would manifest if God were in on a three-way? I love this thread!

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Worst Job Ever.

  107. God totally gets it… but bible thumpers might not. Watch your back or they might thump you with God. Would that mean God is thumping you? Oh, crap…I’m probably going to hell, too.

    Quirky Chrissy recently posted Fairytale Interrupted: What RoseMarie Terenzio Taught Me About Nothing….

  108. Our Father, Who art on hold,
    We cannot remember your name.
    Thy kingdom come when we’re finally done
    On earth with this motherfucking souffle.

    Amen.

    Dana the Biped recently posted Living to Tell the Tale.

  109. I doubt you’re going to Hell. I mean, look around. God’s GOT to have a sense of humor, right? So s/he’s probably just laughing at your joke about three-ways.

    Katie recently posted Top Ten Tuesday: With A Twist.

  110. Jenny, if you ever open a church, I want to be a congregant. Having read the bible cover to cover, and skimmed the book of Mormon, the Koran and several other religious texts, I can guarantee whatever you came up with would be no crazier than any other religion, but a hell of a lot more entertaining.

    Well, except for that Flying Spaghetti Monster thing. It’s hard to top an afterlife with beer volcanoes. You could give the FSM a run for his money thought.

    Matthew recently posted Sandy, Gays and Snookie.

  111. I suspect that I am going to Hell just for reading that conversation.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Tentacle Sex Fiends.

  112. I love church signs. They are so darn creative.

    Danielle recently posted What is wrong with my daughter?.

  113. I would SO go to that church.

    Issa recently posted Day 84 - It Seems It Wasn't Meant To Be.

  114. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation” ….. Ah, so I’ll have some wonderful company!

    Loki-Lou recently posted Where would I be….

  115. I think god’s pretty much cool with three-ways. I’ve been to several church weddings in the UK recently and the celebrant (vicar/priest/whatever) has made a big deal about how marriage is between one man, one woman and the one true god.

    Having been raised as a churchless atheist, I had to ask my partner if this three-way thing was standard for church weddings. Turns out it is! Who knew? Turns out this isn’t a question you should ask a nice Methodist boy while he’s drinking milk. Who knew?!

    At a recent wedding, the vicar had a giant Toblerone (the two foot long kind which weigh about a kilo) as a prop to help illustrate this point because Toblerones are triangular and thus a very good metaphor for a three-way. (They also have milk chocolate binding the nuts and nougat pieces, but he didn’t really get into that aspect of marriage.) The congregation got a little restive when we realised that the box was empty, and he wasn’t actually going to give the happy couple a kilo of Swiss chocolate but there were actual gasps, squeaks and a cry of ‘for shame’ when he didn’t even give them a fun size one. How are you supposed to remember where god goes if you don’t get to take the symbolic chocolate triangle home?

    Betts recently posted Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl.

  116. “We’re going to hell just for having this conversation.”
    I think we all have those convos, don’t we? And aren’t they usually the best ones? :)

    wonkafonka recently posted The Handwritten Mission.

  117. Will your church have taxidermied animals dressed in robes and posing as the nativity at Christmas? THAT, I want to see.

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted Thanksgiving Leftovers To Gobble Under the Influence (TLUI).

  118. Good point. If God’s that liberal, I want in on that church, too.

    Stephanie recently posted Beating Back Christmas.

  119. Please write the Bible.
    PLEASE write the Bible.
    PLEASE WRITE THE BIBLE!

  120. God is also ok with dogs (and rocks) going to Heaven.

    I forget where I first saw this debate, so I’m pinning it on you. Hugs.

    http://www.snopes.com/photos/signs/dogheaven.asp

    Mr Farty recently posted She's A Juanita.

  121. Maybe we could get around the whole three way thing by getting a deity-inclusive G+ hangout happening?

    Alverdine recently posted Affirmation: attracting wealth.

  122. The most fabulous church sign I ever saw said “This Week – Back Door Jesus” – I pulled over and took a picture!

  123. What time are the services? I’m there!

    Becki Jolly recently posted Movie Review: Seeking a Friend For The End of The World (2012).

  124. Oh, how I’ve missed you Jenny. Can’t wait to catch up on soooo much good reading. Hope you are well. xo

  125. I think God is totally be okay with three ways. Think about it, if He wasn’t then why did he make our bodies in such a way that sex feels so damn good??? Just sayin’

    Carol recently posted Thanksgiving oops………..

  126. I so love these random conversations because they are something I could totally see happening with my friends and that makes them even better. And I’d give up my membership in Bedside Baptist to attend that megachurch–provided it started arond 11 and was done by 1 unless it was going to serve a great lunch and we could stay till 2 then.

    Southern Girl recently posted It's Monday lonely Monday.

  127. Hahaha. Amazing.

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted “Mom! The Lentil Loaf!”.

  128. Does this mean you were having a three way with him while having this conversation with Victor?

    Because… this conversation is trouble.

    K recently posted Sexway?.

  129. If we believe that God created EVERYTHING, then surely we can’t omit 3-ways from the list. He even came up with a nice French phrase for it, cuz God is sexy like that.

    Leila recently posted I Think I Might Be Wreck-It Ralph or A Saint.

  130. You really have a unique way at looking at things. I’ve heard the phrase of calling on Him before but NEVER thought of that meaning. I figured you would just hang up on trouble.

    Rachel recently posted Anti Bullying Week 2012: Part One.

  131. At my niece’s wedding the pastor said “marriage is a three-way with God.” If that guy’s ok, you should be fine.

  132. Doesn’t everyone have caller ID now-adays? How about, “If Trouble shows up on your caller ID, don’t answer it. Thank God for caller ID, y’all!” Seriously, Trouble is probably a telemarketer, anyway.

    Vanessa recently posted And still with the crickets.

  133. There’s a reason why people say ‘oh God’ during sex: He’s always fucking you.

    MonicaP recently posted Nothing parties like a dead squirrel.

  134. my grandma used to say the food was totally going to be better in hell. so, if you’re going to hell for this conversation, hell will be funnier too. sign me up.

    shanalee hampton (@cookoorikoo) recently posted music monday.

  135. Honey, that was wrong on so many levels…love it!

  136. @MonicaP: what do you suppose the atheists say when they’re knocking boots? I’ve always wondered…..

  137. I don’t even go to church and would want to try that one at least once. So, are you and Victor going?

    melissa wye geraci recently posted hidden joys.

  138. You need to come up to Cincinnati, Ohio. We have local restaurants (Skyline Chili) which serve Chili Three-Ways, Four-Ways and yes, even Five-Ways. People in Cincinnati are used to these terms, but tourists always seem to snicker. Also, this would seem to imply we are more worldly than we are, but don’t let our food names fool you.

  139. Oh I soooooooo wish we were neighbors! I would so be with you on that thought! Hell, who am I kidding, that party scene from your book would make my year of I could witnesses such s miracle of raw human expression!

    DragonDon recently posted YouTube…all new stupidity.

  140. I wonder what the daycare program for that church would be like…

    Emelie recently posted That’s When I Decided That My Friends Are Scary Sometimes, but In That Funny Way..

  141. OMG, what do you eat for breakfast? I’ll have what you’re having.

  142. Pretty sure our church (Unitarian) could have that on a sign. Except Unitarian churches don’t have signs. Well, there is the sign that says “Unitarian Church” but it is static and has no place for quips about god. And, well, we wouldn’t put god on the sign anyway. Except maybe to invite god to our three-way.

    Shawn Walter recently posted Up All Night.

  143. Really, a lot more people would go to church if they would put stuff like that on their signs. You are great! Weird and wonderful!

  144. I’d pull a u-turn for that church.

    Lori recently posted Tools of the trade..

  145. Happy Thanksgiving Dearest Jennifer – to you and your lovely family!!!

  146. I would! I mean even though I’m supposed to be a devout Hindu and all that..:P

    Miss Gee recently posted Lets Call The Whole Thing Off!.

  147. Sounds like a church I wouldn’t mind getting up early on a Sunday for.

  148. I’m reminded of the something*positive strip from years back, where Davan answered the front door to find missionaries. Not amused, he decided that their interrupting his morning meant he didn’t need to stop masturbating while inviting them to leave.

    As for God, I’m pretty sure he’s unshockable. I mean, considering that he’s witnessed every sexual act that ever took place, and knows every fantasy that anyone ever had, without losing his essential nature and perfection.

    So maybe the sign you really want to put up is, “PORN: It never did GOD any harm.”

  149. I have the faith, too.
    Does that come with call waiting?

    Melissa recently posted Fill Your Bucket.

  150. I kinda wanna go to that church now. And I don’t go to church. Ever.

    The Redneck Princess recently posted Bacon Mushroom Chicken.

  151. Don’t go to church, but I’d go to that one, definitely!

    [Quote](Sadly, my cat is sick so I’m spending Thanksgiving at Taco Cabana down the road. ~ Jenny)[/Quote]

    Hope your cat will be better soon.

    Cara(Eli) recently posted Hey, guess what?!?.

  152. Oh my, that was awesome.

  153. I would TOTALLY go to that church. Thank God for your amazing interpretation skills bringing humour to religion :D

    Klementine recently posted Old fashioned books versus modern books, with a side of ‘vocabulary’..

  154. This is so freaking hilarious – and the comments! LOL! Love it!!

  155. I just wanted to know what the weather is and this shows up: Giant Pacific Octopus Outrage: Diver Gets Death Threats After Killing 80-Pound Octopus With Bare Hands (PHOTOS)

    My first thought, “ACK!” Because I’m not a fan of the octopus and can’t imagine going out and dragging one to shore. Then I thought of The Bloggess because her reaction would be the same.

    BiPagan recently posted VIDDING PANEL AT ODDCON!! Please join the panel..

  156. If God made everything, then, he made three-ways. And four ways… and… damn, God has quite an imagination now that I think of it.

    Amy (KidFreeLiving) recently posted Mounting evidence I might not be that bright..

  157. If god wasn’t ok with three-ways, he wouldn’t have encouraged the nice elderly church lady to stand outside and slide 26 lucite squares on the marquee. I’d say 25 but I feel strongly that there was an exclamation point at the end.

    P.S I figure out how to make my iphone dumb douche bags for me!!

    Ellen recently posted HOW TO: Get your iphone to do your dirty work.

  158. I always read church signs for precisely this reason: you learn so much about how God *really* thinks.

    https://foursquare.com/view_photo?id=4f56e4bfe4b01888b2d0dac9

    And bears, apparently.

  159. 1. I don’t believe in God so
    2. I’m probably going to hell, I look forward to meeting everyone there.
    3. If I did believe in God (notice I can’t help but capitalize the name of the entity I don’t believe in) I would could never believe that said entity would send a person to hell for having so damn much fun reading your brilliance so
    4. Maybe we’ll all be partying in the clouds.

    Tara recently posted One day off sugar.

  160. I think you are ok with three ways with GOD!

    Mexmom recently posted Being busy at work and finally feeling good about it.

  161. If you think about it, God is actually involved in three-ways ALL THE TIME, unless God decides to give us some privacy while having sex. And if that’s the case, thank you God.

    Julie the Wife recently posted Meet Martyr Stewart.

  162. Go to Heaven for the climate, go to Hell for the company – Mark Twain

  163. True story, is used to have God programmed into my phone. But I never had the courage to call him. And then I lost my phone.
    I miss having the direct number.

  164. Well I figure God made me this way- including my warped brain full of sexual funny thoughts and twisted imagination. Not only would I go to that church but I would actually put money in the plate when passed around instead of looking ahead stoically.

    andrea murdock recently posted Crazy 4 Challenges- Tag your it!.

  165. Church Of The Three-Way With God. Where do I send my tithe?

  166. You guys have absolutely the best conversations!! Victor needs to write a book too!!

    Mishka recently posted Knee High Socks!.

  167. This brings me back to my Catholic School days. Which were always interesting considering I was the only Jew there. But yes, three-ways, God, conference calls…I love it. Especially because I always refer to my talks with God as phone calls, and by that I mean that I put him on speakerphone and talk to him while I do my laundry and file my nails. I mean, he’s hip. I’m sure he has at least some sort of tele-conferencing ability, or at least something not unlike Google friend time, or is it face time? You know what I mean.

    Shana London recently posted Giving Thanks For My Brian.

  168. For the record, I would absolutely buy a bumper sticker that said “Have an imaginary three-way with God.”

  169. Scrolling through facebook and what do I see?

    Perfect picture for this. Can’t post it on here tho :(

    Reads:
    FIRST CHRISTIAN CHURCH.
    A CHURCH WITH
    WEED
    SEX AND TITS.

    You corrupted them, didn’t you?

    K recently posted Sexway?.

  170. Team Victor!

  171. Hahaha! I’m so glad I’m not the only one who does this with church signs. Like, I once saw “Oh come all ye faithful” and wondered if that was like yelling out “oh god!” during sex. It’s just too easy, and so FUN.

    Colleen recently posted Monday Music Break: Arkona.

  172. Knowing God he probably would have told Victor that the technical term for a three way when a person is referring to anything besides a conference call is a menage a trois, obviously.

    Kaitlyn recently posted Priorities.

  173. Fucking awesome. You do parenting something fierce.

    Rhana @ Dumb {Squared} recently posted This Thanksgiving, I am thankful for swearing. And food. And fat pants..

  174. Yup, definitely thought this was about threesomes.

    Julia H. @ Live Young & Prosper recently posted She’s A Skinny Minnie.

  175. Are you awares the you can become a bona fide legit reverend in less than 5 minutes without leaving the comfort of your own home? Universal Life Church. Google that shits. I did it like 10 years ago as a joke, because you can pick all kinds of funny official revendy-type titles, like Grand Wizard, but it actually ended up coming in handy later on… I’ve performed friends weddings and funerals which was soooo nerve wracking, thank you valium and champagne, but much nicer than hiring a complete stranger if they don’t attend a church. I cannot think of a better thing than being joined in holy matrimony by Reverend The Bloggess. Unless a unicorn was the ring bearer, like with the rings on its uni-horn. Best imaginary wedding ever.

  176. Not a Christian, but I’d totally go to a church that believed god’s cool with three-ways.

    Shella recently posted There's Nothing Like Free Bacon.

  177. I’m going to have my hubby read your blog next time he looks at me cross-eyed. After being with me 23 years, he’ll realize he’s not alone being married to a crazy lady :)

    FYI, my God laughs a lot and he thinks I come up with funny shit too. If you post something stupid (innuendo) on your church sign, you can bet I’m calling it out. God told you to post it so it would make me laugh right? See, my God is funny unlike some other people’s God’s.

    Val recently posted Fantasy Football, Don’t Let Me Down.

  178. hilarious.

  179. I always thought a three-way was imaginary. Now I am confused.

    Thanks a lot.

  180. indian gods have orgies… three ways were a passe’ in ice age… for them!

    p.s: i know my mythology well!

    neers recently posted "yes, i am a witch".

  181. I can’t stop laughing. Thank God your audience isn’t uptight. Then again, they wouldn’t be your audience, now would they? Cheers!

    The Insurist recently posted “That’s a Whole Lot of Money to Pay For Some Fear”.

  182. 185
    Catrina_woman

    Oh thank you. I thought my husband and I were the only ones who a) have conversations like this and b) are going to hell because we have conversations like this.

  183. In ninth grade I had a report on Joan of Arc. A biography I read on Joan made it very clear that she wanted to be a virgin when she died. It also made it clear that she was VERY religious. I was explaining this to a friend of mine and his response was “she wanted to have sex with God”. Which I found very funny.

  184. I just want to say that if we are going to hell, at least we are all going to be in good company. And hell is going to be HILARIOUS!

    NATurally Inappropriate recently posted Today, I’m the douchebag..

  185. Can God be in on a Devil’s threeway? Not interested, just wondering.

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