I suspect I’ve set a record for not being chosen to be on game shows

Conversation between me and Victor:

me:  I think if I was ever on a game show and I didn’t know the answer I’d just say “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” because then the host would be forced to say “No.  That is incorrect.”

Victor:  Hmm.

me:  So basically Pat Sajak would be on tv implying that children should be forcibly put on spikes.  And then I’d be like “Well, I want a second opinion, Pat.  Because children are not kabobs.

Victor:  I’m not even listening to you anymore.

***********

In unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up.

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by So Then…Stories, where Darcy Perdu shares her escapades, encounters and blunders – and invites you to do the same.  I highly recommend.

122 replies. read them below or add one

  1. …I may steal that if I ever end up on a game show. That is impeccable.

    Like

    Squishy Amber recently posted Excitement and Trepidation.

  2. I’m so happy to see Let’s Pretend This Never Happened on there. You deserve all the success in the world. Your blog, your book, your kindness and your heart keep me going. #furiouslyhappy

    Like

  3. We need a petition, because I would pay, or march or do anything not super illegal to see that. No federal crimes for sure. Or are those the nice prisons? Anyway, way to take a stand against Pat Sajak.

    Like

    Anne Stinnett (Wickedelfchild) recently posted It’s A Stingy Fucking Lifetime*.

  4. I know I could win on Wheel of Fortune. Are game shows even on anymore?

    Like

    Mom Off Meth recently posted Slacker.

  5. You being on a game show is one of very few things that would make me actually want to watch a game show. That, or a unicorn.

    Like

    LookItsMolly recently posted An Open Letter To The UPS Guy.

  6. Knowing that sick bastard Pat Sajak the way I do, he may indeed be pro child kabob. Or at least in favor of puppy sushi.

    Like

    Jon Hanson recently posted #70 Tell People You Are A Thrill Seeker.

  7. Those ugly renaissance babies should be put on spikes, though.
    Heck, I’ll get sharpening the stakes.

    Like

    Claire J recently posted Why Philadelphia.

  8. That is a game show I would watch. Also one in which cats were the only contestants because they would get all bitchy like the housewives of various counties (because cats are like that), except with less plastic surgery.

    Like

    Euphoria Girl recently posted Because When You Think of Christmas, Storm Troopers Usually Come To Mind.

  9. I’m going to start shouting that at home that way I can finally be right about something when Boyfriend and I argue.

    Like

    Banana Stickers recently posted King Carl For Life.

  10. I voted for your book on Goodreads, so…. you’re welcome🙂🙂 And, also, i very much believe that you should be on Wheel of Fortune. It’s the most fun of alllllllll the game shows.

    Like

  11. Don’t worry. *I’m* still listening to you.

    Like

    Melissa recently posted Dress Me in Lace and Awkwardness.

  12. Oh, Mr. Blobby. He even had a music video. The UK has an embarrassing history of novelty pop songs at Christmas. Not something we like to admit when exporting our brand of Shakespearean thespians for Oscar duty.

    Like

    Molrella recently posted Castle Cloudberry Ballet Book Party.

  13. Should you opt to offer such a statement on a game show, it’s pretty much a certainty that you would win – if only because the judges, the host, and the other contestants would be afraid of what might happen if you do not.

    Like

    Jon Jones recently posted MEET THE SPORTSRACERS # 8 - sassypants Pt. 4.

  14. Mr. Blobby looks like a zit with measles!

    Like

    Winopants recently posted WTF Fashion: Menswear Edition.

  15. Oh what a fun idea! You could take that in so many directions. You could say, there should be equal rights for all. Babies should never ever be left in a cave to be brought up by wolves. Bacon is delicious, ok that one is really subjective. But really the possibilities are endless. Victor, lighten up.

    Like

    Ro recently posted A Phone Call from a Light Dependent Person.

  16. You have no idea how lucky you are not to know who Mr. Blobby is!

    Like

  17. This clip could not be more relevant: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TjC3R6jOtUo

    (watch at about 2 mins in)

    Like

    Jax recently posted Music.

  18. Q: Long metal rods used for cooking.
    A: “What are things that children should NOT be forcibly placed on”

    Yup- works for Jeopardy too.

    Like

    One classy motha recently posted Free Advice Friday – Marriage tips that may or may not help..

  19. I would never end up on a game show for similiar reasons. But, mainly because my answer would be “paper, snow, a GHOST!”

    Like

    Robyn Webb recently posted Writing An Anthropology Paper (Or Attempting To).

  20. Who even are you?! You’re amazing.

    Like

    Ashleigh recently posted We all deserve a medal..

  21. When my kids aren’t listening to me, I’ll end a sentence with, “And THAT is how babies are made!”

    That will teach them…

    Like

    Anne Parris recently posted What I Learned About My Daughter’s Period. #KotexMom.

  22. Kabob? Is that American for kebab?

    Like

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Chocolate.

  23. Why have no game shows figured out you’re a celebrity yet? You should at least be on 1 vs 100 or something!

    Like

  24. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be able to keep your awesomeness contained long enough to make it past the initial contestant screening.

    Like

    Heretic Husband recently posted Wackjob Wednesday 11/21/12: Featuring Sean Connery..

  25. I’d love to hear that smug Canadian Trebek say that. Pure awesome.

    Like

    Smokey recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  26. How about some John Barrowman dancing to Mr Blobby’s hit single?

    Like

  27. Excellent. I’m totally using that idea if I’m ever on a game show. It really doesn’t matter if I know the right answer or not because, let’s be serious, I wasn’t going to make it to the final round regardless.

    Like

    Katy recently posted Update: Nevermind, I need to go back to sleep because they're setting the table wrong.

  28. Ahh, Mr Blobby… That brings back memories! He used to be a character on Noel Edmonds House Party, although he might not have started out on that. He was seriously disturbing. Gave me nightmares as a kid.

    Like

    Sarah recently posted Game On!.

  29. Maybe you could ask for medieval torture methods for $500 Alex and then get the Daily Double! Or play Family Feud with the topic being “Top 5 things you never want to hear your pediatrician say”!😉

    Like

    thedoseofreality recently posted Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad.

  30. Is Executive Severance the best-selling Twitter novel in the United States, possibly the world?

    Like

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance - the Best-Selling Twitter Novel in the United States - at the Twitter Fiction Festival.

  31. I seiously doubt children would go on spikes without force. There might be no choice.

    Like

    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) recently posted In which goldfish live forever … practically.

  32. I think I’d be that person that always waged .01 more than the top bidder.

    Ugly Renaissance Babies is awesome. Thank you for the introduction. My life is complete.

    Like

    ColdBlooded recently posted It’s Official..

  33. It would be the best/deadliest game show ever.

    Like

    Holly Folly recently posted Moving Cinder Blocks and Why I Hate Them..

  34. I hope to see you on jeopardy some day.

    Like

    Stephen Battey recently posted Weird things..

  35. I love how the dude is so terrified of Mr. Blobby….. but I have to admit .. I would be as well… he’s creepy as fuck.

    Like

    chemgirljaime recently posted blog fodder ftw.

  36. I clicked on the leather jacket link on the Mal page, and got this:

    “Darn. This item is no longer available.

    The item “Leather Brown Coat” by clgbutterfly cannot be viewed.

    But! Here are some similar items from other shops.”

    And the similar items were all leather corsets.

    Like

  37. I SO want to see you do that to Pat Sajak. Alex Trebek could use a little sumpin’ sumpin’ to take the stiff out of his sails, too. Maybe an implication that using corn cob holders to pick up kittens is okay? I don’t know. You’re better at this than I am.

    Like

    Janene recently posted Christmas angels with attitude.

  38. So happy to hear about the success of Project Night Night. Also I would pay good money to see you humiliate Pat Sajak. And finally, Sajak looks funny spelled out.

    Like

    Sara recently posted Already There.

  39. You could probably get onto Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me. Also, the ball of twine. Maybe you should show NF that you’re a good sport by posing with a head of garlic for my blog.

    Like

    Tyler Tork recently posted Gripesgiving.

  40. Taxiderpy is awesome!
    I’m wondering if you saw the latest Photoshop Phriday, titled Taxidermy Nightmares:
    – Part I http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/bad-taxidermy-nature.php
    – Part II http://www.somethingawful.com/d/photoshop-phriday/taxidermy-nightmares.php

    Like

  41. You are SO right it’s scary. I love that you think about these things too, as a “just in case” scenario. You would make an excellent boy scout. You know, if you were a boy.

    Like

    Jeneral Insanity recently posted Santa is a creep, and needs to be stopped..

  42. I think the next words you hear after “Children should NOT be forcibly placed on spikes” will probably be something more like, “we’ll be right back after this short break.”

    Like

    katie metzroth recently posted Friend in Hoosierville.

  43. I love you. And I love Victor.

    Like

    Kathleen recently posted Dusting Myself Off.

  44. My chosen gameshow statement is “Children covered in bacon should not be eaten.”

    Like

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Tentacle Sex Fiends.

  45. I don’t know what to say about Taxiderpy, other than wow.

    I just …

    Wow.

    Like

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: I finally, for real, finished the damn striped sweater.

  46. I can’t help thinking that Alex Trebek would probably be down with kid kebabs. Just something about him.

    Like

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted Condolences.

  47. You are 50 shades of AWESOME!🙂

    Like

  48. Blobby… Blobby… Blobby!!!!!

    Like

  49. I know this isn’t what you intended… okay, I think this isn’t what you intended. But in my messed up head, the link to ‘Meowy Christmas’ appear to lead to an image of your cat peering through the window of a clothes dryer. Seriously. Go back and look at it, with that big square around the circle, and the rectangle at the bottom. I thought, “OMG, she’s shoved the cat in the dryer just to get a funny photo!” Then I realized that was ridiculous. Because the cat would have climbed in by itself. My poor brain. So easily confused.

    Like

  50. You wrote Shades of Grey? Never would have guessed!

    Like

  51. LOVE the reader’s bill of rights! Tween book readers unite!!

    Like

    Nickie recently posted Meds, Chicken Blood, oh and Welcome.

  52. Thank you, I really needed that laugh🙂

    Like

  53. Thanks so much for Ugly Renaissance Babies. I believe some of those high art classics are the reason why I’ve remained childless.

    Like

    Kate recently posted friday favourites 30.11.12.

  54. Well, as my husband says, meat-on-a-stick is every country’s specialty…

    Like

    Leanne Shirtliffe (Ironic Mom) recently posted The Worst Toys of 2012: The Noisy Award.

  55. Though I don’t really want to be on a game show because I get that deer-in-the-headlights look anytime I have to do something in front of an audience, I’m accompanying my mother to The Wheel of Fortune auditions this month. I’m oh so good at hang man so it should be a no problem.

    I love the Ugly Renaissance Babies site.

    Like

    Lovelyn recently posted Powerball Fever.

  56. Is that kind of like saying “Do you NOT want me to not kill you?”

    Like

    The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted My Week: The Good, The Better, and The Best!.

  57. Please tell me you’ve watched The Big Fat Quiz of the year before. It is one of the things I look forward to every year.

    Like

    BiPagan recently posted VIDDING PANEL AT ODDCON!! Please join the panel..

  58. Hahahaha! Is there a place we can vote for you to be on a show, any show!?

    Like

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted November Recap 2012.

  59. Or you could just say “Jesus.” That’s usually the right answer. Oh wait – maybe that’s just in Sunday school.

    Like

    Melanie recently posted Holla at Santa Cruz.

  60. Congratulations on your Goodreads Award! And the top row no less. Wow.
    The closest I have come to Malcolm Reynolds is seeing the Castle set in downtown LA. They had covered the trees and ground in snow and it was 80 degrees. Nope. It didn’t melt. When we walked by the next day, it was gone. I wondered if they had a giant vacuum cleaner or Dirt Devil? Who knows….🙂

    Like

    Susie Lindau (@SusieLindau) recently posted Friday Photos and Another Fire.

  61. Mal and Genuine Hemp Twine!!!
    Somebody who reads you set this up!!! How wonderful. 😉
    We are everywhere. Those of us who read you that is.

    Like

  62. So I just saw an ad on TV for the show “Immortalized”. I am Canadian and saw it on the channel AMC….I think you (and perhaps your father as well) may be interested. Maybe you can gather some ideas there…

    Like

  63. Mr Bloppy is everything I needed right now. Tears of love.

    Like

    Melissa Marie recently posted I'm an excellent driver..

  64. This has nothing to do with this post but I think I just found your next vacation destination. Victor will really appreciate this. Have you ever been to Alberta, Canada? A small town called Torrington has a museum that you are going to love – the Gopher Hole Museum. Trust me.
    http://www.jky.net/albums/gopher-museum_index.html

    Like

  65. omg. taxiderpy. i think i am scarred for life.

    Like

    monica recently posted Lessons for a future Monster-in-Law.

  66. I think I’m going to have Mr Blobby nightmares tonight. That was a kind of disturbing I was not prepared for.

    Like

  67. First time-commenter, long-time lurker. I loved your book (I’ve never laughed so hard while reading a memoir before!) and always look forward to your blog posts.

    Anyway, I had to leave you a comment because this showed up in my Tumblr feed this evening, and I thought immediately of you. Hope you enjoy. ^_^
    http://storyshots.tumblr.com/post/37058397674/there-was-no-love-in-his-heart-in-fact-he-had

    Like

    Bookewyrme recently posted December Update.

  68. I think Victor has the great makings of a book of his own…LOL

    Like

    Mishka recently posted Bug Identification: Milionia basalis Kiobi-eda-shaku.

  69. 69
    Vicki Lingle

    Dear Jenny, are you personal friends with Christopher Moore? Because his twitter background looks very familiar. https://twitter.com/TheAuthorGuy

    Like

  70. 70
    Vicki Lingle

    And if not, maybe you ought to be. Just saying.

    Like

  71. I don’t know, Victor, that seems like a perfectly reasonable solution to the problem.

    Also, hilarious that you have to link to Pat Sajek. Everyone should know who he is

    Like

    Shawn Walter recently posted Advent Calendar Reveal.

  72. Dear Jenny.
    I think I love you.
    Love Julia (who still loves the book you signed… Stiff, by Mary Roach)

    Like

    Julia recently posted He did have the harder job... right?.

  73. 73
    Lady Penelope

    I’m pretty sure Kid Kebabs taste like lamb…

    And that Mr. Bobby shit was so freaking hilarious I had to wipe away the tears!

    Like

  74. That would be fucking awesome to do on a game show!

    Like

    Cheryl D. recently posted Happy Belated Thanksgiving!.

  75. Ah, Mr Blobby! He first appeared on British TV as a prop/character in a show that liked to play tricks on celebrities where celebs would be asked to make guest appearances on a new kids’ show that featured Mr Blobby. His creepiness was part of the joke, especially when you had all these celebs taking him so seriously. Things went too far when he managed to get the Number 1 Christmas song that year though.

    Like

  76. That is awesome, except I just spit tea all over myself… I can’t imagine what a game show host/the audience would do in reaction to something that that. Whatever they did, it would be epic, of this I am sure.

    We live in Hungary right now and I just got your book, if I mail it to you, would you sign it and send it back? I’ll pay the shipping!

    (Send an email to Mary at thebloggess.com and she can send you an extra bookplate. 🙂 ~ Jenny )

    Like

    Liz recently posted New Baby Elves.

  77. Mr Blobby!! blobby blobby blobby!! (90s flashback in full force)

    Like

  78. I am in tears over that me blobby vid. That is genius!
    Must’ve seen it 7 times now and I’m laughing harder and harder. Thank you!!

    Like

  79. Oh and babies on spikes would be better off that being babysat by mr. Blobby… So. There.

    Like

  80. You two are the best. I swear it.

    Like

    shea recently posted hometown.

  81. So when you say ‘forcibly’ if I was to accidently trip and drop one of my neighbours spawn of satan on a spike, would that be ok? Also, I couldn’t open the Mr Blobby video, something to do with copyright or something…although I don’t know why I even tried to honest. We have had about as much as we should have take of that pink spotty arsehole over the years..Chris’ nan once got mistaken for Mr Blobby..Well, when I say ‘mistaken’ I mean some kids said “Look! there’s Mr Blobby!” on account of her being a lady of sizable proportions and wearing a pink coat (which she hasn’t worn since).

    Like

    Sam Whiteoak recently posted More shit. Not necessarily Lawson inspired, but awesome none the less.

  82. I am in a point in my life where i would pay good money to see a montage of you on a game show with a shit ton of answers like that.

    Like

    natalie recently posted My biggest fear....

  83. I wouldn’t be part of a game show unless I did something as cool as Mr Blobby. I mean that guy just became my hero!!

    Like

    Miss Gee recently posted Empty spaces..

  84. The Mr. Blobby video: cue nightmares.

    Like

    Julia H. @ Live Young & Prosper recently posted Decemburpees.

  85. Holy shit, that person included the twine… If someone buys that and doesn’t know to take a picture of the holding it, in costume, and then tweet it then they are dumb.

    Like

    Erica B recently posted Heeey Geeky laaa-day!.

  86. OMG the Ugly Renaissance Babies is hilarious.

    OH…and here’s the new show coming to AMC on cable about taxidermy: http://www.amctv.com/shows/immortalized

    Like

    Jess recently posted UPDATED: Romantic Lazypantsness: It's a technical term..

  87. Oh my gods. I think I’m going to have nightmares about Mr. Blobby for years to come.

    Like

    Colleen recently posted Manah Manah!.

  88. I did not mean to laugh at Taxiderpy, but then I saw that thing dominating the globe and I couldn’t stop.

    Like

  89. Loved the Ren babies; but the taxiderpy is what nightmares are made of.

    Like

    Bodaciousboomer recently posted Dog friend vs cat friend.

  90. I’m so glad my job affords me the time to look at all those Ugly Renaissance Babies. Laughing like a hyena at the receptionist’s desk.

    Like

  91. I posted this on Twitter: “I offer readers of #TwitterFiction Executive Severance only blood, toil, sweat and tears-same as Fifty Shades of Grey” as it was just “favorited” by the Fifty Shades of Grey” Twitter account! Let’s see if my book sales now skyrocket!

    Like

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted Executive Severance - the Best-Selling Twitter Novel in the United States - at the Twitter Fiction Festival.

  92. Woman…you are hysterical! I dig that about you!

    Like

    Jenn recently posted Really I’m Not Racist, I Just Can’t Hear.

  93. Even though he doesn’t say it, I suspect that my husband is thinking “I’m not even listening to you anymore” most of the time!

    Like

    Becki Jolly recently posted Movie Review: Deadfall (2012).

  94. Freakin’ hilarious! I’d PVR that… Pat would lose his vowels.

    Like

  95. Twine. ’nuff said.

    Like

  96. You always have the perfect response, lol!!!

    Like

    Janine Huldie recently posted The Grinch Has Left The Building–Another Christmas Decorating Post 2012….

  97. OMG. The Mr. Blobby one features JP! BLOGGESS–You need to watch the UK show “Fresh Meat.” You would love it.

    Like

  98. I regret having to inform you that the child sitting in the seat behind me on my last flight was most certainly “spike-worthy.”

    Like

    Molly Dugger Brennan recently posted Tough Crowd of One.

  99. Kid kabobs. I adore your twisted mind.😉

    Like

    Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom recently posted A PB Teen Christmas...Please God, Let Me Be 15 Again and Living In The Hamptons.

  100. Did anyone else look at Taxiderpy and just say, “WTF is that?!” That was my reaction to most of those.

    Also, WTF is Mr. Bloppy? That is the scariest damn thing (besides the taxiderpy page) that I’ve ever seen.

    Wow.

    Like

  101. 101
    Julie G. from Iowa

    I read your post as “CHICKEN should not be forcibly placed on spikes”. And then I began to think, “Why not?” Chicken kabobs are incredibly tasty!

    Like

  102. 102
    Pretzelogic in Philly, PA

    Wow. Just wow. I’m not sure how far back you clicked through the Ugly Renaissance Baby tumblr, but did you happen to see that on July 5, 2012, they featured a baby Weeping Angel?

    http://uglyrenaissancebabies.tumblr.com/post/26559164221/albrecht-durer-weeping-angel-boy-come-at-me

    o.O Creeeeepy.
    LOL!
    😉

    Like

  103. You still haven’t beat my record for being ignored by morning shows, talk shows, agents, publishers and Ellen Degeneres. I’ve got that sucker locked up tight…

    Like

  104. I think it really depends on the child. ;P

    Like

  105. You got on there because we all voted for you because you’re a badass and just as crazy as we are in all the right ways. Also because you look equally as smashing on a Jumbotron and dressed as a TARDIS.
    Shine on, you crazy diamond.
    xoxo

    Like

    Joules recently posted Dose of Happy – Make This World Mo Betta’.

  106. I love how the reason children shouldn’t be forcibly placed on spikes isn’t because it’s dangerous or cruel or painful – but because children aren’t kabobs. Duh.🙂

    Like

    Klementine recently posted From accidental table-flipping to purposeful chair-wielding. This is NOT a good trend, guys..

  107. But what if they’re those really mean children? You know the ones that pick on the weird kids, and blurt out how old and fat you supposedly are when you try to tell them that “No, the kitty doesn’t like it when you try to shave the fur off their tails”

    Like

    abby recently posted To my father, purveyor of the Old Man Dance.

  108. Congrats on your book winning on GoodReads. I voted for you!

    Like

  109. Nice!! Wouldn’t want to have to contribute to a save the children from being Kabobs on the Sunday morning infomercial.

    Like

    TheFeelGoodDepot recently posted Inspirational Story of an Ex Paratrooper @ The Feel Good Depot.

  110. So excited for your new book to come out!

    Like

    Jaimie Dubuque recently posted I did not see that coming…Or, the five things that happen when you buy a new house.

  111. The indefinable humor on this blog doesn’t fool anyone–the intelligence is palpable! Therefore I’m stopping by to make sure that everyone here has seen the new film Lincoln.

    Smartest thing that’s been on the screen since West Wing.

    Like

    Shelley recently posted Welcome.

  112. Victor is a Saint.😉

    Like

    Crystal recently posted Naked Men.

  113. Well that is genius…. and evil. But genius! I can only picture the facial expression of the game host.

    Like

    Chelsea recently posted The Battle of Black Friday.

  114. Maybe you should email Mr. Sahel and ask if he’ll take a picture holding a kabob skewer…

    Like

  115. Damn autocorrect! *Mr. Sajak

    Like

  116. Holy Shit! That Blobby thing is fucking hysterical! LOL! Wow, thanks! Also, glad the night night org is doing great, again, great job Jenny!

    Like

  117. I just cried through that Mr. Blobby thing. So so wrong. I can’t wait to show my friends.

    Like

  118. Oh my gosh!!! Ireally hope you DO get on a game show someday. I’d prefer to see you on Jeopardy though because Trebek annoys me. Watching him try to handle that response would be great!

    Like

  119. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.

    :p

    Like

  120. Wow. Your husband comes up with that kind of stuff out of the blue?? Awesome! That is one of the funniest things I’ve read recently.

    Also, I’d keep a close eye on him.

    I mean literally. Always keep him in your field of vision.

    :p

    Like

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