FACT: Books smell better than french fries.

in Random Crap

Here’s the book trailer for the paper-back version of Let’s Pretend This Never Happened, which you need to buy because it’s cheaper and also there’s a whole new chapter included and you might be in it.  Seriously.  A lot of you are in it.

AND I’ll be doing a paperback tour starting in March (details coming) and I just got into a fight with Victor because I was like “FINALLY I’m going to Kansas” but then Victor pointed out that this particular Kansas City was not actually in Kansas, and then I looked at the itinerary and I was like “WHY IS KANSAS CITY IN MONTANA?” and then Victor pointed out that “MO” actually stands for “Missouri” and I had to google how wrong he was and turns out that there are eight different states that all start with M.  Not cool, America.

Long story short?  I’m going on tour and I’m renaming all of the states that start with “M”.

PS.  Montana is now “The Dark North”.  Massachusetts is now “Tater-Tots”.  Michigan is now “WOLVERINES” (complete with fist pump).  Missouri is now “Ancient Rome” because it would be fun to see on a plane ticket.  Maryland is “Neil-Patrick-Harris” because he’s awesome.  Mississippi is still “Mississippi” because it’s fun to spell.

389 thoughts on “FACT: Books smell better than french fries.”

Read comments below or add one.

  1. What about Maine?

    (I think I forgot to rename Maine and Minnesota. This just proves how many M places there are. I’m open for suggestions. ~ Jenny)

  3. Coming to Texas on the book tour? I have a hard copy of your book I would like to have signed!

  5. Can we get the paperback version on Kindle? I want to read the new chapter, but I don’t want to wait for it to make it across the sea to where I live in Togo.

  6. If I were your agent, all the states would come to you to hear you read. Or watch you watch TV. I’d have to work the details out somehow, but I’m sure my plan would fall into place.

  12. I thoroughly agree with renaming states. I would also like to suggest that we rename the North and South states. (North Carolina, South Carolina, North Dakota, South Dakota.)

    It always bugged me that the state namers were so unoriginal.

  14. I hate to throw off your delicate geographical paradigm here, but you forgot Minnesota.

    I would call it “Mosquitoes” or “Paul Bunyan”, personally.

  15. Another voice calling for you to come to London.

    Also – for those of us that already own the kindle version, can we buy the extra material as DLC?

  19. The renaming you suggested is okay with me! It sounds much cooler to be from the middle of Ancient Rome than from central Missouri! Go Columbia!

  20. Can you come to Europe this time? PLEASE? And is there a place we can get our hands on this extra chapter if we have the hardback already?

    Thanks for renaming Maryland. I LOVE Neil-Patrick-Harris now. (The state…already loved the guy.)

    PS – Wonderful title. I clicked to read immediately simply to find out what kind of crack you’d been smoking to say such a thing, but then I realized that if you’re talking about your book, I might have to give it to you. (That is smells better than fries, not like I’m going to GIVE TO YOU in a hitting or sexing you up kind of way. Unless you’re into that and then I’m down but only because I love you.)

  21. KANSAS CITY BABY! Where are you signing? When are you signing? Please tell me you’re staying long enough to get the Best Barbeque in the World?

    BTW http://www.kansascityisinmissouri.com/ just in case you’re wondering. Of course this site doesn’t show you the THIRD Kansas City: Kansas City North, which is right above the river on the Missouri side. And surrounded by KCMO and KCK. Because we needed a third Kansas City. In Missouri. 🙂

  22. Congratulations on the paperback release! I hope you are very proud. It is not every day that a first book gets a paperback release almost a year after its original release.

  23. I hope you come to a city near me! I would be so happy! I agree about renaming the states. What numbskull decided to stick with M words as names for states? I’m sure the post office would like it better, too! Thank you for my laugh today. I needed it.

  24. Come to Delaware because no one ever does. People are dicks like that. Delaware is a real state. We are even bigger than Rhode Island. Seriously.

  25. If you rename Minnesota then I will have to change my moniker…don’t do that to me.

  26. Did you say KANSAS CITY? Eeeek, that is close to me! Did you know, you will be a mere 3.5 miles away from the Laura Ingalls Wilder Museum. Awesome!

    (Really? Because I’m a serious LIW fan. Can I sleep in a dug-out? ~ Jenny)

  27. I totally support your right to rename the M states (MO for Missouri is crazytown; it should be MZ because of how it’s pronounced — and we could spell it M’Zouri! Oooh, that looks really cool), but I’m feeling stupid because I don’t get Tater-Tots for Massachusetts. Is it just completely random, or does my true-blue Puritan state have a Tater-Tot connection of which I’m unaware? We are the home of New England Boiled Dinner, not to mention the bean and the cod. Tater-Tots . . . so exotic.

    (I just like Tater-Tots. ~ Jenny)

  30. Woo Hoo I live in Ancient Rome! So I’m looking forward to the date that you will be in KC (yes, we in MO abbreviate it to KC). I live in the St. Louis area so clear across the state but I would love to come see you. 🙂

  31. As a Marylander, I am proud to now tell people that I come from Neil-Patrick-Harris, which will only be confusing because I currently live in Indiana and lived in Ohio for nine years.

    Also, you should do a stop in Indianapolis or Chicago. Or Lafayette (where Purdue is) if you really love me. But that makes me sound like a pressuring boyfriend in an after school special, and why would I do such a thing to you after you’ve given my natal state such an awesome new name?

    In short, this Neil-Patrick-Harrisian/Ohioan/Hoosier would love to see you!

  32. Thank God you are coming back to Wolverines, I missed you the first time. I am also the girl that asked if our Tough Mudder Team could be “Unicorn Success Club Michigan Chapter”. Whatever food I am eating at the book signing, please just slap it away…:)

  36. Will the extra chapter appear on the kindle version? If not, it’s basically punishing people for buying books early. Which is a stupid thing for marketing to do, but as your blog posts on bad pitches show, that’s not rare at all. Also, the Hunter S Tomcat post made my yesterday. We have three cats, and I’m dreading April Camp NaNoWriMo with them.

    (Ooh. Good question. I have no idea. Maybe someone from publishing is reading this and can answer that. ~ Jenny)

  37. It’s funny that you renamed Massachusetts “Tater Tots” because when I was little I thought my Grammy lived in Mashed Potatoes. Both mashed potatoes and tater tots are potato by-products, so that’s the “funny” connection. In my head. Maybe.

  38. Oh, no. No, no, no. If anything, Michigan can be renamed SPARTAN(s) because Michigan State University is way superior to the University of Michigan. I don’t know if I can forgive this slap in the face.

    Okay, I can. But, seriously. Wolverines suck.

  39. I just bought the hardback and now I have to buy another copy! Well played Mrs. Lawson, well played. By the way, “tater-tots” is perfect for Mass.!

  40. Please come to Wolverine on your book tour. I promise to buy a copy and come stare at you awkwardly at the book signing if you do… Plus, we need a new name for Michigan. Something like “Watch out the roads are slippery” or “Lake Effect Snow”… ’cause that’s all that’s going on here now.

  41. As a Marylander, excuse me, Neil-Patrick-Harriser, I’m compltely on board with this name change. And also, I had a friend who moved to that weird Kansas City for awhile for an internship, and I’m pretty sure it took me until she was almost ready to come home to really wrap around my head around the fact that she was not actually in Kansas.

  46. It’s much cooler to say that I’ve been to “The Dark North”, “Tater-Tots”, “WOLVERINES”, “Ancient Rome”, “Neil-Patrick-Harris”, and “Mississippi” than their prior names. I’ve also been to Maine. It was the coldest place I’ve ever been.

    May I suggest “Ice-box”. Or “Kingland”, as it is the location of most of Stephen King’s novels.

  47. No, no, no – Michigan is ‘Spartan Country’! After all, MSU has 3 medical schools (human, osteopathic and veterinary) while UM only has one….

  48. Pleeeeaaaaassssseeee say you’re coming to Oklahoma!!! Tulsa to be specific! I must meet you and revel in the glory of your awesomeness! Also I want to move to Neil-Patrick-Harris now!

  49. Kansas is a myth, as you’ve just discovered. Frank Baum invented it at the same time he invented OZ, and everyone has just been going along with the joke ever since.

    How is Kansas popular described? Flat and covered with wheat. That’s not a state, its the back forty of a farm.

    Where is Kansas City? Missouri.

    Where is Oz? Everywhere

  50. PLEASE come to Tennessee. I’ll bake you some scones and buy 12 copies of your book to explain why I am the way I am to my boss and coworkers.

  51. There are two Kansas Cities, one in Kansas and one in Missouri…but none of that matters because I live within driving distance of KCMO and now I have a book tour to attend. Excitement!

  52. So excited!!! I’m not too, too far from Kansas City, Missouri!! If I can justify driving to St Louis for New Kids on the Block, I’m definitely sure I can more than justify a trip to KC to see you!! 😀

  53. I just got in a fight with my mom about how both Kansas Cities were in fact right next to each other. She didn’t believe me. Also I can’t wait for you to come to Tater-Tots, especially now that my home state has such a cool name! Unless you already came to Tater-Tots, which I think you did, in which case I’ll sit in a corner crying softly because I missed you.

  54. I love the idea of changing the state names. Some of them are so very dull. But I can’t abide by changing Michigan to Wolverines…..This is SPARTA!! I am fine with something about our potholes, but this is Spartan Country. Please re-think. And we can’t wait to see you here!!

  55. I’m in Minnesota. It’s -20 here this morning. So I vote for “Fucking-Cold-Ville”.

  56. MO for Missouri NEVER made sense to me. Now those vowel states? What’s up with that? Iowa, Ohio, Idaho, Indiana? I can never keep them straight.

  57. You could still go to Kansas while in Kansas City, Missouri – there is a street that runs down the state line, called State Line Road. Midwesterners- we’re so creative.

  58. Can we rename Kansas “Nathan-Fillion”? Then when you’re here you can just put some twine on the ground and BOOM! Nathan Fillion holding twine. And you don’t even have to pester Human Nathan Fillion anymore.

  60. Cool, a tour. That’s exciting! I hope you’ll have fun.

    I didn’t get most of the new names for states beginning with an M but maybe that’s because I’m not American?

  61. I like your style. Now I can tell people I’m going to visit Neil Patrick Harris (a life long dream to meet the man, not the state) and no one has to know the difference.

  63. I was wondering what happened to Minnesota…the only name I could think of that would work would be “Coldasshitpleasehelpus”. Or something along those lines would work. It’s in the negative temperature range right now. Negative what? I have no clue but does it matter after a certain point? Probably not.

  64. Come to Boone, NC! You’d be a hoot with all the tree-hugging hippies up here! Just look up Appalachian State University and come see us! You can sleep on my sleeper sofa! LOL

  65. Tater Tots, WTF. We don’t grow Taters and in this bluest of blue states, we feed our kids Organic Kale Tots.
    How about the Terrier Pie state, after our state animal (the Boston terrier) and our state dessert (Boston cream pie).

  67. I’m from Tater-Tots (formerly Massachusetts) and I’m wicked psyched that you’ve renamed us after something you like, which obviously means you like us, you really like us. As for renaming our neighbor to the north, since the abbreviation for Maine is ME, you should name it Jenny Lawson.

  68. Well…I guess OK on my state becoming Neil-Patrick-Harris, but 1) we have to keep our flag because it is the very best, and 2) what would the new mascot of the University of Neil-Patrick-Harris be? Unless he really likes Terrapins?

  69. Eric and I had an argument about what state Kansas City is in (I said Missouri) so I looked it up. Apparently it straddles the state line, so were both right.
    So looking forward to your paperback version, and I agree with others that you NEED to come to Houston again. You know you miss the traffic.

  70. Huzzah, you’re coming to KC! I really loved your book (woke up my husband far too many times with my bed-shaking belly laughs while reading it). Do keep us updated on your tour dates; I look forward to seeing you!

    Funny you should mention Kansas City’s geographical location…my husband made this website awhile back during a fit of pique caused by people not knowing where KC is: http://kansascityisinmissouri.com/ 🙂

  71. LMM,

    That’s hilarious! I was going to suggest a very similar name! I’m from Effing-Coldville, but I live in it’s sister state Even Effing-Colder South Dakota!

    I do like the name Mosquito, though. Or maybe WhereInTheHeckIsThat?IsItNearChicago?

  75. Is there Hunter S. Thomcat in the new chapter? If so, I will need to buy it right away!

  76. Come to the part of Texas that’s right here! Like San Antonio! I’ll bring my cat in her Christmas antlers, if that’ll help convince you?

  77. So does this mean you’re actually coming to Tater-Tots on this tour? What city? What about NH?

  79. I’m so excited you’re coming to Kansas City. But Victor wasn’t 100% correct, there is a Kansas City Kansas as well as one in Missouri. Can’t wait to see you!

  80. Yay! You’re coming to KCMO…and KCK…:) Those of us that live here understand the confusion. Just like when I lived in the Hampton Roads area of Virginia. People get confused because the airport is on the MO side. And people from MO say Mizzou…..

    I’ll bring my Kindle for you to sign!!!

  81. My heart hurts…for a brief second I was thrilled that you might be coming to Kansas! KCMO isn’t that far…thinking road trip is in order.

  82. Tater-Tots for Massachusetts? As a Masshole, I vociferously disagree!! We may be pompous jackasses and we may never use our turn signals (and if we can’t find a Dunkins it’s the sign of impending apocalypse) but we are not the sad chubby kid of the lunch menu.

  83. Pretty, pretty please come to Salt Lake City. We will get you drunk and take you to see the space Jesus. And we promise that we won’t make you a sister wife. Unless you’re into that sort of thing, then in that case you can totally be a sister wife. Totally up to you.

  84. Half of Kansas City is in Kansas and the other half is in Missouri. I know, it doesn’t make sense to me either. But I’m still pretty excited you’re finally coming to Kansas. Even I it’s the City in the wrong state.

  85. Have your cab driver take you over the border to Kansas before you head to the hotel. When you get back to Missouri, you can say to Victor, “I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore”.

  86. Can we rename Minnesota – Paris in Springtime? I know it’s a long name for a state, but it’s February 1st, and I think all of us here might really need to be in Paris in Springtime.

  87. I think you came to Boston on your last tour, but will you be coming again? I missed you before.

  88. I always privately think of Michigan as “Shark and Mitten” or perhaps “Mitten and Shark”. Which could be an awesome (in my eyes) children’s book. Perhaps on the scale of This is Not My Hat? Which just won the Caldecott (I think), and you should totally read. Because it’s just that kind of book.

  89. Seriously, Mass is already referred to as Taxachussetts. It is better and more accurate than “tater-tot, though we did have a lot of those when I was a kid too. I am somewhat relieved to be in NH now.

  90. Hey you’ll get pretty close to Kansas, and I’d be happy to show you around once you get here. Whooo!!!

  91. Sometimes I just don’t get names of things. Why is Arkansas pronounced AR-Kan-Saw? Why did my cousin pronounce her last name (Koch) COOK and her cousin pronounce his name KOSH? I’m so messed up now I’m going to have a KNAP 😉

  92. I’ve never seen Neil-Patrick-Harris in person, but feel like it would be nice to spend a week or two viewing it. For some reason, travel agents keep hanging up on me.

  93. NICE, Jenny. In comparison, this is MY book trailer:

    I’m topless in it. I think you might sell more books if you actually did it my way. That tip? FREE.

  95. 🙂 The reason I resisted anything e-book was my refusal to give up the smell and tactile stimuli of a “Real Book”, but I must admit as my e-book collection grows the need for that stimulus fades.

    That being said, I cannot imagine the smell of an e-french fry!

  96. Yay for KC, MO! I was super excited and told the hubs and he said he doesn’t have enough chutzpah to come see you. 🙁 Surely he wouldn’t be the only guy there…right, right?

    And KC is kind of wacked…the largest part of Kansas City is in Missouri – who thought that was a brilliant idea?

  98. You need to come to The Dark North. There’s lots of cool dead stuff in Montana that I know you’d really like. And I know the best places to get it. Really.

  99. Paperback? Wow, Jenny – that’s incredible. Congratulations! You are truly funnier than should be allowed by law.

  100. That is SO not fair! I just moved away from Kansas City, MO. Please come to Louisville, KY. It’s not nearly as nice but we have a lot of bourbon and horses (usually not bar-b-que). There is a KC, Kansas … it’s smaller and has a high crime rate. Will you be at Rainy Day Books?

  102. Please come to Utah! There’s only one U state and how cool would it be if I could meet you in person!?! Congrats on another tour!

  103. Hey, i’m thinking that Idaho should be the one called tater-tots. And I’m also thinking that you should make a stop here on your book tour. Love you!

  104. Greetings from Missoula, The Dark North. It is a bit socked in and dark here right now, so I’m feeling it. 🙂

    I don’t imagine your tour will bring you here, which is unfortunate. The Western portion of The Dark North is quite beautiful once the winter clouds pass.

    Enjoy the trip, and I hope many, many, *many* people buy the book in paperback. 🙂

  105. I’m from Massachusetts, but all of my kids have been born in Arizona. The person who put together the birth certificate for my middle child apparently thought that MA was the abbreviation for Maine. So on her birth certificate, it says that I’m from Maine. I probably should fix this soon, considering the kid is 8 years old now.

    I watch baseball, and the St Louis team always confuses me. So many times have I thought they were from Canada. My husband is disgusted by my lack of geographical knowledge.

  106. I can’t wait to see you! When are you going to be here? I live in KC on the “Ancient Rome” side. only to blocks away from a street that is call State Line Rd one side is MO and one side is KS. There is really not a big diffrence its all the same two state kind-of one city. I am not ffrom here so I dont care as much as the people that are… but people are very proud of what side they live on. KC “Ancient Rome” has a better downtown, arts & culture.
    Hope you have fun on your tour!

  108. everyone in my home state of MN just let out a collective sigh, i guess we dont even qualify for re-naming we suck so much. no worries though, us minnesotans think we are awesome, it was -20 (w/ a -44 windchill) when i went to work this morning. we are CLEARLY the superior race.

  109. FINALLY, someone cool is coming to Kansas City! You have totally made my day! See you in Kansas City, Old Rome!

  110. Oh, the whole Kansas City issue. ::sigh:: Yep, it’s a city that straddles two states. It’s a multitasking city. It’s awesome.

    And I am SO FUCKING EXCITED that youa re coming here! I’m so gonna wait in line to see you. YES! ::fist pumps like a WOLVERINE::

  112. We should also rename all the states starting with “New”, since the Founding Namers showed absolutely no imagination with those states. Since I’m from NJ, I suggest we go with the state nickname “The Garden State” (plus, after Greenland, it can be the world’s largest travel scam).

    And for your tour, I think you should pick places to visit based on how funny the names sound. We’ve got some doozies in The Garden State for you (and, incidentally, all are close to my home) — how about visiting Hoboken, Weehawken (WHEEEE! hawken), Ho-ho-kus (at Christmas time, they should call it Ho-Ho-Ho-kus) and then stop for some cheesecake in Cheesequake?

    Plus, I grew up in Kansas and am THRILLED that you were THRILLED you finally get to visit Kansas. There’s also some doozy names there, too — care to visit Iola or Neodesha (hint: it’s not pronounced anything like it’s spelled, unless you’re from Kansas and then the spelling makes perfect sense). You should also go to Dodge City, if only to say as you are going, “Let’s get the hell out of Dodge.”

  113. I am totally pissed that I may or may not have missed you coming to Long Island. You need to get your tour bus/boat/ go-go gadget mobile to take you here. It would be great to have you out here . I’ll share some of my chocolate covered bacon on a stick with you, if you come. (Yes’ I did say chocolate covered bacon. There’s an explanation in my blog )

  114. when will you have a list of your tour stops? if you can’t swing by dallas i want to know how far in advance ill need to plan a road trip kansas (or san angelo)! Also im having my first baby in april, and dragging her along to meet her tribe would be a dream come true!! when and where jenny!! we can’t WAIT!!!

  115. I’m afriad I’ll need your complete list of the 50 states renamed. You’ve done too good a job.
    I have some personal favorites that I’m interested in seeing what you will do to them. (Utah in particular).

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  116. J,
    First time writing a response. Let me start off by saying how AWESOME your blog is! I have recommended it to numerous friends and look at it everyday so I don’t miss a thing! I found you from the story about Beyonce on Pinterest! Hilarious! I love your family too!
    Any who, I was pumped to read you are coming to Kansas then deflated to see it is KCMO instead. But I re-inflated because I would seriously drive 5 hours to see you.
    Keep up the good work!

  117. There is a Kansas City, KS *and* a Kansas City, MO. I’ve lived in both, but currently live in Kansas City, KS.

  118. If you fetch up here in Augusta, I would absolutely come to see you, made all the fist pumps you want, and toss little chocolates shaped like Neil Patrick Harris at your feet. I’d even wink salaciously, if you so desired, like there was a secret only you and I share. You could probably even have a speaking engagement at my church because we’re Unitarians and very receptive to all sorts of things.

    BTW, thanks for re-naming my home state, Maryland, although you should probably have called it Soul Sucking Perdition instead. It’s bad. Really bad.

  119. Yes!!! Finally, you’re coming to a place close to me…I will be at the KC event!!!! Yahoo!

  121. Super excited you are coming to Kansas City!

    And you can tell Victor that all you have to do is drive like 5 minutes, and you can straddle the state line of KS/MO. Be in two places at once. That’s some cool shit.

    Welcome to KC.

  122. A new chapter?!?!?
    oh dear. I own the digital copy and the hardcover but I still will probably get the paperback. GEESH WOMAN.

    My father and I dubbed Missouri and Misery; driving through it whilst going cross-country on vacations was indeed, misery. But that doesn’t help you with the “M” thing. I agree they’re hard to keep track of. I have said “Which the fuck state is ME????” more than I care to admit. Short memory.

  123. I like the renaming – living in Ancient Rome sounds so much more interesting than living in Missouri.

    Also, Kansas City is in both Kansas and Missouri. I live on the other side of the state.

  125. I feel like I have arrived late to the party!- like years late…. I started from the very beginning of your Blog and read all the way through! ( in a matter of weeks) Yesterday was the day I caught up to date, and also received your book in the mail! (Hard cover..shooo) Well I am pleased to know that you are coming to “Ancient Rome” because that is where I live! Side note; Kansas City is second, only to Rome in the number of fountains it has. —Cant wait to see you, even if its in the bathroom. I’ll bring the Slushie. LOVE YOUR WORK! -Faith from Lake Ozark, Ancient Rome

  126. Yes, but we’re really excited to have you in Kansas City, MO and if you really want to go to Kansas, it’s only a short drive!

  127. Damnit, Lawson.

    Now I have to go spend more money for new material. My delightful autographed hardcover will sit on a shelf while I beat the shit out of the softcover in my purse, gym bag, minivan and kids ballet studio. Along with neglecting it, I be re-reading it slowly over time while it begins to fall apart. I’ll tell people it’s “well read” which will be true, but also because I’m generally neglectful of most of the things I love.

    Including, apparently, my children. I’m using the education savings bonds to buy a copy.

  128. I think Michigan City is actually in Indiana, which is also ridiculous. Although I guess going to Wolverine City sounds a whole lot cooler. Like maybe all the X-men live there. Or you gain a power when you cross into the city. I’d like to be ShadowCat. Or whatever her name is, the chick that walks through walls. Fuck, I’m going to Wolverine City right now.

  129. Congratulations Jenny!

    You are such an inspiration to people. I was flying back to Atlanta from DC the other day and was reading your book and opened to the “My Vagina is Fine…” Chapter and the lady sitting next to me tried to scooch over a tad. The book took on a WHOLE NEW funny after that. Thank you!

    Bradley

  130. What should we do about the 8 states that begin with “N”? Even worse, four of those begin with “New”. Given how long these states have been around, I’m pretty sure they’ve lost that “New State Smell” a long while ago. (Insert joke about New Jersey here.) Besides, I’m from New York and wouldn’t want to miss you visiting me because you got Albany, New York confused with some other place… like Albany, Georgia or Kentucky or California or New Hampshire. (There’s that “New” again.) Copycats… We were the first Albany!

  135. So… I live in St. Louis, Ancient Rome? Wonder if the USPS will still find me.

    And it may have been stated up above… There us a Kansas City, KS ..AND a Kansas City, MO (sorry – ancient Rome)

    The city is divided by State Line Road. You could easily hop back and forth between states!

  136. I will happily come and see you in Kansas City. Your book tour stop will be about six blocks from the state line if you really feel like going to Kansas while you’re there.

  137. If you ever come to kansas, come visit my store!I live in wichita and work at barnes and noble and there are so many fans of yours working under one roof here!plus your book has been a staff recommend since it came out.

  140. If you’re in Kansas City, you should totally come across the border and visit Lawrence, which is actually in Kansas. We’re a cool little town. Seriously. Stop by!

  141. Maine should be Tater Tot Playground…because all of us Tater Tots head north on the weekends all summer long. Or The Claw, for the lobsters.

  142. So, I glossed over Maine – but as a Minnesotan, picked up immediately that you missed my state for renaming.

    I always call it the frozen tundra. (Even when its 90+ outside. Because the -10 is coming. Always.) Maybe the Frozen North would work – it shortens nicely to FroNo, making MN sound almost tasty. Or, like its heading to Mordor to destroy a ring.

    Maine? I can’t rename Maine. Maybe it can keep the M?

  143. YAY. New Chapter, new tour… Maybe I can meet you again. Can you come to Nashville this time? I’ll be Massive with pregnancy around the time you make your way out and I’m not sure the husband will let me travel very far to see you this time!

  144. Then I’ll have the LPTNH trifecta of audiobook, hardcover and paperback and the world will be mine!

  145. Oh, I’m a little bit sad that Montana gets a badass name like The Dark North and you just called Missouri Ancient Rome. Trust me, we have Spartans in Sparta, but they’re not that cool. But I’m kind of up with the idea of battling in formation to the death. It sounds very heroic. Too bad I’m such a chickenshit. I think I’ll just watch the melee from the sidelines.

  146. It seriously is the bane of our existence that everyone thinks the KC they’re going to is in Kansas. I mean, Yes, there is a Kansas City, Kansas….but really, the place to be is Kansas City Missouri. Like…in Oklahoma! where they sing “everything’s up to date in Kansas City..” they’re singing about MISSOURI, not KS. Of course, I suppose we could have much worse problems (well, to be fair, we do)…like the battle between people who pronounce it “Miz-ooo-REEE” and those who insist it is “Miz-ooo-RAH”, it’s like a small scale civil war. Watch your back.

  147. If you really want to come to Kansas, you can come have drinks on my patio after your gig (which I’ll be attending). Short five minute drive! 🙂 10 if we stop and grab a call in order from Oklahoma Joe’s….

  148. I know this! Kansas City isn’t totally in Kansas because the town of Kansas City, named for the Kansa American Indians, was established before state lines were drawn. It’s all part of the “Bloody Kansas” debacle and the Civil War. So there is a Kansas City, KS and a Kansas City, MO – two parts of the same town. BOOM. History.

  150. You’ll be coming to KCMO?!! (Kansas City Missouri 😉 pronounced KaySeeMoe by us locals. Though I’m not actually there, I’m in Lawrence Kansas – way cooler but close enough to say I’m a local)
    Anyway…
    Yay, please do keep us up to date on your tour stops. I’d love to be there!

  152. This is absolutely awesome, because now I can buy it all over again! Twice as much snark! Jenny, you are my unicorn!

  154. Minnesota should be renamed “Buttasscold”. It’s about -13 today. How freaking awesome is that?!

  155. The BEST freaking commercial ever, Jenny!
    I have a feeling its going to be a HUGE conflict with what to do with my taxes;; buy your book or get a TARDIS tattoo….

    Oh the decisions!

  157. Don’t let the corporate marketing folks here about this state renaming thing or we will all be living in places with names like stadiums. I for one don’t relish living in Saint Paul, Microsoft.

  158. I had downloaded on my Kindle “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” rel 1.1 a few months ago.
    How can I upgrade my 1.1 with your new add-ons ? (or adds-on, ons returns me a spelling error)
    Is there a new release, or a patch ?
    Thank you for your utterly kind attention.

  162. Why is nobody commenting on those eaten ducks?!?! Now I’m going to have to buy the updated version to make sure nothing else was eaten. It’s my duty. As a fellow crazy person.

  163. As a Mainer, I fully support Celine’s suggestion in comment #67 to rename Maine to Jenny Lawson. That would be epic.

  165. Minnesota should be renamed “Fucking Cold”, “South Canada” or “Viking”. Actually I really like Viking!

  166. For Maine I really like the suggestion made by Celine since if we renamed Maine “Jenny Lawson” your book tour would just have to make multiple stops here. Although I’d suggest you wait until the summer. If we can’t be “Jenny Lawson” how about “Moooooooooooose”

  167. I’m not sure if it were already mentioned, but I think Kansas City is in both Kansas and Missouri. It’s just that the city crosses the state border, at least that’s how it looks like when you drive through it.

    And if you are driving through Kansas at all, I prefer to drive it at night because there’s nothing to see but lights. A bunch of adult bookstores and Jesus Billboards strategically located next to the adult book store seems to have spawned from the ground in the last decade, but I still prefer to drive it at night.

    Now on the flip slide, if you drive through St. Louis on Interstate 70, I want to warn you. There is a road 170 (one seventy) that travels north and south. It’s really easy to assume the sign for it is saying I 70, like interstate 70, and start heading south somewhere by accident and you might not realize it until 30 miles down the wrong way. I only do this EVERY TIME I drive through St. Louis.

    BTW, I think we should call Minnesota either Betty White or St. Olaf.

  168. You really should make a stop in Duluth, MN (yet another M state) Gods country really. You know land of sky blue waters and all that. What you are viewing is a phenomenon called ‘sea smoke,’ when the water is warmer than the air. But serious it will be much warmer when you visit. And don’t worry barbwire is not representative of the entire state. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKtrAMvSV6Q

  169. Does this mean that you’re coming back to Boston on the tour?? Because last time, I couldn’t meet you because Gaelic Storm was playing and my girls got me tickets as a Mother’s Day gift. (As a plus, the entire band signed the back of my “Team Bloggess” t-shirt.)

  170. Aaaarrrrrggggghhhhhh!!! Was so excited to see that you are coming to KC. Then I found the date and its the week of spring break when I’ll be in Hawaii. Love ya lots, but Hawaii wins this round. Hope you enjoy our beautiful city! And just head west about 1 mile and you’ll hit KS.

  171. Fine. I will buy ANOTHER copy of your book. Because you’re awesome. And I’m gullible, because I believe I’m in the new chapter.
    <3

  172. I lived in Northern Maine. It smelled like french fries- french fries and old broccoli. Maine likes to be called Charles but we always called it Chuck.

  173. Yes yes YES!!! So excited to hear you are coming to Kansas City! Fun fact: it is one city in two states, divided by the state line there is Kansas City Ks and Kansas City Mo. So no matter which side of the state line, really it’s all the same. Also if you’d like a tour de BBQ I will happily accompany, as I am fom here but spent two years in Houston I can say Texas BBQ has got nothing on us! 🙂

  174. Here in Pennsylvania we have:
    California, PA
    Indiana, PA
    Washington, PA
    Idaho, PA
    York, PA
    And probably more I’ve lost count. Confused me plenty when I moved here from the west coast.

  175. as a kid I had a t-shirt that was supposed to say Mississippi on it, but it actually said Missippissi on it. I have to say I think Missippissi is better, because its more fun to say, and just as fun to spell.

    (Did I mention that we had this shirt for YEARS before anyone noticed it was spelled wrong?)

  176. MO is easy to remember if you recall MOMO, the missouri monster, or first HAIRY ZOMBIE the world had ever seen. to further zombify/confuse us, he first appeared in LOUISIANNA, MO.

    super zombified/stoked you’re coming to MO!

  177. Minnesota should be renamed to “Fuck This Place,” because seriously, fuck this place. It’s almost noon, and it’s only -7, and I’m super static-y and it’s really uncomfortable. If it has to be kid-friendly, then it can be “Screw This Place.” Besides, maybe if Minnesota had a nice fuck it wouldn’t be such a cold ass bitch.

  178. YES. Finally I live in Ancient Rome, now I will find Lucius Vorenus, BECAUSE HE LIVES AND I REFUSE TO BELIEVE OTHERWISE.
    Fun fact, don’t forget to add “City” when referencing “Kansas City” or your audience will be confused, because the Kansas state line is actually 5 minutes away but it’s a common mistake so we’d probably let it slide because we love you and we want you to come back.

  182. Minnesota can be the freezing cold ass of nowhere. I know, because i live here (and questioning why today, it’s currently -9 degrees F)

  185. Please stop by Lincoln, NE!! I have turned your book on to so many people! We all love it. We text each other quotes from it constantly. Would love to meet you. AND we want another book! Soon!

  187. DotWonder – right now it is -13 and there was not a school delay…our little kitties were freezing their heinies off (not sure if spelled that correctly, but you understand)

  188. My husband is from Minnesota and swears that it is in the Midwest. I am constantly correcting him to say mid-north. Oh, and they call parking garages – “ramps” there. In a sentence — go park in that ramp over there.

  190. All of us bad ass Wolverines hope you make a stop in Wolverines on this tour. We’d love to come listen.

  191. Having lived in Minnesota (I’m still trying to erase the trauma from my brain) I will suggest renaming it to “The Frozen Tundra” and, trust me, there is no reason to go there.

  192. YAY Kansas City!!! And that’s a common mistake, and there is a snobbery as to whether you live on the Kansas side or the Missouri side.

  193. Super-excited to see you in St. Louis, MO (otherwise known as Ancient Rome) in March! I may be the one hiding behind a potted plant.

  194. Wait, I’m confused – my original copy, which I got as soon as it came out, is a paperback – are the rules different here in England?

  195. Oh dear god, you are comin to KC?? I MUST be there!!! (And tell victor he’s partially wrong. There is a KC, KS too and you can go there? I’ll take you, if you don’t mind my child beaten car. 🙂 )

  198. “melissa February 1, 2013 at 11:26 am – I always call it the frozen tundra. (Even when its 90+ outside. Because the -10 is coming. Always.) Maybe the Frozen North would work – it shortens nicely to FroNo, making MN sound almost tasty. Or, like its heading to Mordor to destroy a ring.”

    I’m with Melissa, I want to be able to say I am from Twin Cities, FroNo!

  199. There is a Kansas City in Kansas, but part of it is in Missouri too.

    I live close to KCMO. I’m sad I won’t be able to see you. I’ll be in France, with 22 students. I would much rather be at home and meeting you.

  201. Please don’t leave west Wolverine off your tour. Too many people I like go to East Wolverine, and make me sad. Another name for Michigan: Put your damn car lights on when its snowing and slow the fuck down!”

  203. Have you contacted those states to see if they mind your creative re-naming? Although I’ve been to Missouri and you probably could change that one!
    COME TO COLORADO (don’t change the name ‘cuz we kinda love it) so I can meet you! I’m reading your book at the moment (well, actually last night) and it makes me cry. In a good way. I love that you can write the way you think…..unfiltered. Glad to meet you here (apparently I’m behind the curve) and will be keeping in touch to see what you’re up to. Don’t alert the police.
    Jan
    Colorado

  204. Hey! Nice to see that the paperback is coming out. FYI, in case you didn’t know, your book is going to be published here in BRAZIL this year and your translator is yours truly! Hope to do you justice…

    (That’s so awesome! ~ Jenny)

  206. I think New Mexico should be on the book tour… in order to travel out of state I have to get a passport because even though we’re a state we aren’t legal US Citizens I guess? I’m not sure the logistics on this shit but any way come to New Mexico… unless you wanna buy me a passport? I don’t know… I love you!

  210. I’m from the Dark North. I promise, we have electricity and cars and even Kindle editions of your book! So you should come.

  211. yay! I live in tater-tot land!! and If Mass is “tater tots” then Maine should be “hash browns” because they’re kind of the same but different, and also Maine used to be part of Massachusetts way back in the day until they needed to separate so the when the north went against the south, our state numbers were even, or something

  214. Hold on here…is it possible you are a Michigan graduate like myself? I see no other explanation for you re-naming Michigan “Wolverine” with a fist pump…if that’s truly the case, then I am now a REALLY loyal follower of your blog (as if I wasn’t before). Go Blue!! (Oh and good luck with the book tour too!)

  215. I’m from Michigan, and I would absolutely vote to rename our state that! At least we get the first two letters of our state for our acronym. Must suck to be from Missouri or Montana. Or Mississippi. I mean, for more than the acronym, obviously.

  218. I *USED* to live near Kansas City, MO (KCMO) I already saw you on your Phoenix (Tempe) visit, but would love to see you and get a signed copy of the paperback version as well. Keep going! Seems you are living the dream!

  219. Minnesota is New Canada eh! Or is it Old Canada? It’s just awfully close to Canada donchaknow!

    Maine… I dunno…Roland Hills… after the Stephen King character… Stephen King surely needs some credit here…

  220. Be careful on State Line Road, it’s not as glamorous as it sounds. Also. I’m down here in Southern Missouri now and I’m about an hour away from the LIW Homestead. I’ve been. It’s ah.may.zing.

    You will have a warm reception in the big KCMO for sure! 🙂

  221. OMG, Kansas City!!!! I can go there! I am soooooooooooooooo excited. You can come over to Kansas, I will take you to both cool places in the state if you want…

  222. That’s awesome that you are going to paperback! Way to go! I hope you come to Houston too but I don’t know about signing my Nook. 🙂
    Kansas City is actually on the border of Kansas and Missouri (the only reason I know this is because I actually KNOW people there).
    I think we should rename Texas to United State of Texas. 🙂
    Thanks for paving the way for book writers everywhere!

  224. What the? I already have a paperback! Does this mean that England time travelled because we are, after all the home of The Doctor? And I was going to say something else but I am drunk so I forgot what it was…….oh yeah!!!! I LOVE SNIFFING BOOKS!!!!! Second hand are best……..night night. 🙂

  225. Come to Tennessee (Knoxville, please) – we dont start with an M, but we are still totally Rad (and fun to spell like Mississippi!)! 😉

  227. You know, I lent my hard cover copy of your book to my girlfriend, we then shortly after broke up (not the books fault I assure you. If anything it kept us together longer then otherwise) so I am down to having zero copies. Something I need to remedy

  228. Oh my goodness. Not only do I live in Neil Patrick Harris (kinda creepy to say it like that, sorry NPH) but I am officially as crazy as you. I’m deliriously happy. Also, Double Unicorn Success Club has a wonderful meaning to me now, and it will to you as well next week. Best kitsch purchase ever!

  229. I’m from Michigan originally, but I’d like to vote for Spartans as the name, instead of Wolverines. Yes, I’m from Spartan country. With the fist pump. 🙂

  231. Sometimes, I read the comments because they are almost as funny as your posts. Today, #150 actually made me snort! Also, I live in Kansas City, Ancient Rome, not Kansas City, God-forsaken-flat-land-of-despair, and we are very excited that you will be coming to see us. C’mon & make yourself at home. We won’t bite.

  232. Just call me Tater… of course. And though I didn’t have a raccoon…I did have two pet squirrels. Until I put them in my sister’s lingerie drawer. Shortly after, we reverted to pet cats. Thanks for being you, Jenny!

  233. Yeak, Kansas City sort of slops over into 2 states. You can tell which one you’re in by whether you crossed the river or not.

    I also am voicing my desire for a “way for people who bought the hardcover to at least read the new chapter” – because I already bought the hardcover AND the audiobook”

    And by ‘bought the audiobook’ I mean ‘joined Audible, got a free book, downloaded it, and then quit Audible – all in the space of about 15 minutes”. Because I’m classy that way.

  235. Minnesota is a tricky one…that’s why we, over here in North Dakota are keeping an eye on them for you.

    North Dakota should totally be on your tour. Fargo in particular. Yes, like the movie. We even have the woodchipper.

  236. So glad you are coming to Kansas City, Missouri, I’ve been following you since the days of the big metal chicken and you add so much laughter to my life. As a Kansas City Missourian I LOVE the Ancient Rome idea, can’t wait to change my drivers license and checks. Hehe.

  237. why do your producers hate nashville? i can only assume they hate nashville b/c you’re never here.

  238. Please come to Colorado Springs. Just in case you’re wondering, we keep it in Colorado…an “almost” border state to Texas, so it’s not too far away! I’ll have to actually purchase a printed version of your book so I can get your autograph, but only if you come here…I have the Nook version. but the purchase would totally be worth getting your autograph!

    And just an FYI, they keep about 1/3 of Kansas City actually inside the state of Kansas, and 2/3’s of it is in Missouri. Kinda like 2/3’s of Lake Tahoe is in California AND 1/3 is in Nevada at the same time…just sayin’.

  239. I like how they put the * in there so we don’t see the real swear words. I wonder if some people don’t know what the * is standing in for?

  241. Well, I know it doesn’t help with the whole ‘M’ problem but, as a life long Massachusetts resident, I’ve been known to call it Massatwoshits instead…

  243. Another vote for Tulsa, please. It would be awesome for us and you! More for us, though.

  244. Are you ever coming to Milwaukee? I know it’s another M. How do I get the additional material, I just bought the hard back and I have you on Nook? Loved the video.

  245. I’m lazy so I’m not going to go through all 243 comments to see if someone already pointed out that you forgot Minnesota. I’m assuming someone’s already pointed that out. I just wanted to say that I hope you come back here (to Minnesota- or whatever you’ve renamed us) because I couldn’t see you when you were here last year. You were here THE EXACT SAME DAY that my daughter’s Girl Scout troop was finally having their water park slumber party, and that took six freaking months to plan. I figured I’d be lynched by the other moms if I tried to reschedule it just because you were in town. 🙁

  246. Kansas City People, when you buy the ticket for the event from Rainy Day Books you get a copy of the paperback included with the ticket. Just FYI! 🙂

  247. The world is truly yours, Jenny! Have fun on tour and don’t get depressed or down or I’ll be very cross with you, okay?

  249. Those of us who live here just call it KC. We get confused too. Except when KU is playing MU. Then we know which side of the state line we are on. Can’t wait to see you!

  251. I have to second all the people who want to rename Michigan to Spartan Country! Or avoid school mascots all together. I always enjoyed the mitten state!

  252. You need to come to southern oregon because there’s nothing important here so if you came here, at least we’d have something cool to say about ourselves. It’s a self esteem thing. That and you’d get people from all over the northwest to drive to southern Oregon and they’d never come here for any other reason. You’d be doing tourism a huge favor! So now, you’re responsible for the lack of tourism in Southern Oregon. Do you really want to have that hanging over your head? I don’t think so.

  253. Can you rename Minnesota as Hoth? I would love for them to add a Tauntaun to the zoo.

    And then there are only 2 H states, and no one will accidentally mix us up with Hawaii.

  255. Cool. Now I can tell people I’m from Baltimore, Neil-Patrick-Harris. When I get the confused look, I’ll just smile and walk away. Awesome.

  257. I always thought it was wrong that no state name begins with B. So, I would like to humbly suggest that Minnesota (or Maine) be renamed Bubbles.

  258. You’re coming to KC!!!! When? What kind of food do you want (I have tons of recommendations)? Need extra Klonopin? Feel free to shoot me an email, or I’ll just show up at your signing and lurk. And possibly have a present.

  259. Come back to Canada. We are friendly up here! Missed you when you were in Toronto.

  260. You should come to Alabama and stop by Mississippi on the way here. A Deep South book tour. Not that you would want to, but you could. It would be great! Really!

  261. I am from Wolverine (formerly known as Michigan) and am good with the name change. Also, may I suggest Arctic Dip for Minnesota cuz whenever you look on a weather map there is a dip of cold arctic air over Minnesota.

  263. Now that I am going back and reading the comments I must say that Michigan has already been renamed Wolverine and will NOT be known as Spartan Country. That would be a horrible name.

  265. I think you may have to assign more awesome names to the rest of the states as well. I’m totally jealous of Wolverines! (fist pump).

  266. I’m from The Dark North, and I was busy trying to figure out if we have a “Kansas City” for a bit there. We do, after all, have a “Manhattan”. It’s by no means the booming metropolis one thinks of when they hear that name.

  267. Yay! I’m in Kansas City! (Part of Kansas City actually IS in Kansas, surprisingly enough. I may actually be able to go! How cool is that?

  268. Please say Wisconsin will be on your tour. Madison, Wisconsin is a lovely town with a lot of different food choices and we love books.

  269. Cool! I’m now from WOLVERINES (Fist pump!) and live in Neil-Patrick-Harris. Hmmm…. I live in Neil-Patrick-Harris? That’s just strange. Anyway, are you going to post your itinerary so that I can see if you’re coming to visit anywhere near Neil-Patrick-Harris?

  270. All the good parts of Kansas City are on the Missouri side, like the giant badminton birdies outside the art museum. You don’t need to cross that border.

  271. Oh yes, please come to North Carolina! I was pregnant and miserable sick when you came through the first time so I missed you.

  273. Anyway, as someone who was born and raised in the state of Misery or Missouri as it’s more commonly called. I’d like to personally thank you for changing it’s name to Ancient Rome. It’s still Misery but I can deal with it.

  274. Whoo hoo…I was raised in Ancient Rome! Truly funny considering that St. Louis alone is known as the center of major Catholicism. Think about that a moment. 🙂

    I now live at the base of The Rocky Mountains…well, I can see them anyway.

  275. My sister will get to tell people she lives in Neil Patrick Harris now?! That is either the creepiest or the most awesome thing ever. Either way I’m jealous.

  276. Minnesota should now be called, “Freeze Your A** Off”
    Maine should now be called, “Murder She Wrote” or “Jessica Fletcher”
    🙂

  277. Here’s an M for you to visit, Melbourne (Australia) we have great critters such as cassowarries, kangaroos, koalas & the oddball platypus that would all add to your taxidermied delights, please come!! You have many fans & I love your book, I’ll even buy it again. Recommendations for long arse flight is copious Xanax, scotch & Oscar winning acting skills ( pretending to fit is my number 1 answer to upgraded seats on board) see you soon? X

  278. Renaming states is a brilliant strategy for tourism and immigration. I would totally visit, and consider moving to, a state called WOLVERINES . I won’t tell my husband about our planned move until you visit Michigan and the new name is official though cause he would probably be all “Don’t I get a say in where we live?” and “I don’t think the Bloggess has the authority to change the names of states.” Then I would have to divorce him for not believing in you, and I don’t want to do that (because I love him and stuff). So, I think it’s better to surprise him once I’ve already packed and shipped his favourite things to WOLVERINES . I’m pretty sure when I tell him all his stuff if there he will buy into the awesomeness.

  281. RE: Misty – So you should probably come to PA. Preferably Pittsburgh, so I can bring all my friends who have read your book with me and we can all tell you how awesome you are. 🙂

  282. Damn. That’s what I get for pre-ordering the book on Kindle before it was even released. Now I’ll have to wonder about that extra chapter.

  283. Montana demands a better name…just sayin’. Have you been here? It’s pretty badass. (If you stay away from way eastern montana.) Stick to the Eastern front of the Rockies and you’ll be impressed! 🙂

  284. Kansas City, MO is waaaay better than Kansas City, KS anyway. Consider yourself lucky. The only reason to go to Kansas is…..nope can’t think of one.

  285. You do realize that the Beatles were totally thinking of you all those years ago when they wrote “Paperback Writer”.

    Paul said he really, really liked Daffodil.

    Sadly, Yoko, ever the bitch, hated your duck, which is why the Beatles broke up.

    But, heh, don’t feel bad.

    That was a long time ago.

  286. I have to do that with states that begin with ‘A.’ There are a lot. Not as many as ‘M,’ but enough to make me think Alabama is always Alaska. Or maybe it is the other way around. Whatever, I feel too lazy to look it up.

  287. As a born-n-raised Marylander, we accept our new name. Friends (meaning YOU) may call us NPH2.

  288. If you decide to rename the “A” states, I’d be interested in what you’d come up with for Arizona besides “Hot-And-Dusty.” (I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve seen things addressed to Phoenix or Tempe, AR — people don’t seem to realize that “AR” is Arkansas…)

  289. “Minnesota” should be “the frozen wastes of the north”. (I grew up there).

    I hope Utah (and Salt Lake City, in particular, is on your list of places for this tour. There’s a good local bookseller called Sam Weller’s that would be *awesome* for you to visit. You’d fit right in. 🙂

  290. Please, Please, Puuuuuuhleeeease (with a million cherries on top) come to Fort Hood. Us Army Wives need some lovin’ and no one interesting EVER comes here!! (Unless you count rappers, WWE actors, and playboy bunnies interesting…and really…I don’t). I’ll even take you to lunch and show you my beautiful metal purple flowers by my front door that would match Beyonce PERFECTLY! (insert more “pleases” here) We need awesome like you to come and bring a smile to our faces 😀

  292. I must object to Maryland getting renamed Neil-Patrick-Harris. He’s from New Mexico, which is where I live (but I’m actually from Virginia, which is next to Maryland), and New Mexico is sort of an “M” state…well, 50%, and since he’s from there and I live there and you should go to there, you could rename New Mexico and also go there and it would be a win for all of us. Especially NPH.

  295. I’m sooooo excited you are coming to KC!! Can’t wait to see you! Did you know there is a slightly smaller Kansas City Kansas? Its just across the river from KCMO. We like to keep things interesting here 🙂

  296. Of course Jenny, I had to Pre-order the book because I couldn’t fucking wait till it came out, oh no, I needed it right away because I am ocd and a selfish bitch. I really wanted it in paperback but could I wait? OH no. This is what I get for being a)impulsive b) OCD and 3)obsessed with books. Sigh, I’ll never learn. Laurie F.

  297. Minnesota has to be The Great Far North because Montana is a lot warmer than Minnesota. You can look it up. Montana can be That Place With Cowboys And Ted Turner’s Ranch or something.

  299. So does that mean we can call Massachusetts, Nater-tater for short? (or long, as the case may be)

  300. Ooooo…. Book Tour! Will you sign my Bloggess t-shirt from first tour that I didn’t get to attend? *Ugh, anxiety attacks are jerks!* You can maybe sign it, “This should have been signed in Denver.” See you in L.A. or Palm Desert? Yes? *Hoping*

  301. Congrats on your new paperback and tour…sounds like lots of fun! I will have to update my address book with all your new State names….LOL

  302. I finally, FINALLY bought your book and I am reading it now and I love it and will possibly have to wait with that sleeping thing until I have finished it.

  303. Please say you’re coming back to Portland….Oregon! Last time you were here, the twat that took the picture, didn’t take the picture!!! So I have an awesome signed copy, but now friggin’ photo!

    And I was so anxious, and nervous I was barely able to say thank you. I need a redo.

  304. The fact you didn’t know KC was in Missouri just makes me a bigger fan. I live in Missouri. Missouri sucks.

  305. Congrats with everything book-related. Must be exciting and it is nice that someone who seems cool is accomplishing these things. A breath of fresh air…way to go!

  306. Maine already has an alternate name. I’ve crossed the country several times and when people ask where I’m from and I say Maine they look at me blankly for a moment then say, “Ah… LL Bean!” So obviously geography teachers across the country are teaching that the funny looking state poking up at the top is named Ah LL Bean.

  307. Two things:

    1) I now get to finally live out my lifelong dream of running through the streets yelling “NPH… I’M *IN* YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

    2) The last time you were in NPH, I waited in line for over an hour to see you. I was the pregnant woman who made you sign my belly. I met two other women in line.

    IF YOU’RE READING THIS, OTHER WOMEN WHO MET ME WHEN I WAS ALL PREGNANT AND WE TALKED ABOUT HOW SAD IT WAS THAT YOUR ALMA MATER WAS STARTING TO SUCK DONKEY DICK, WE SHOULD TOTALLY MEET UP AGAIN AND SEE JENNY AGAIN, BUT THEN THIS TIME I WONT BE PREGNANT, BUT MAYBE I CAN MAKE HER SIGN MY BABY’S FACE AND IT WILL BE AN ONGOING THEME, AND IN 20 YEARS WE’LL ALL LAUGH ABOUT IT!!!

    …seriously though. Let’s be best friends, and all be in NPH together. At once. Cuz that’s how he likes it.

  308. I have pre-ordered several copies of yor book in paperback to give to friends that have
    not read your book yet. They need to read this and enjoy your stories.
    I have read the the book twice so far and still laugh out loud at things,
    especially the Beyonce story. Thank you for sharing your stories with us.

  309. Let’s see. How about “Southern Canada” for Maine and “Western Wisconsin” for Minnesota?
    We have too many states to remember them all.

  310. I hope you are returning to Tater Tots on the tour. While I got to see you my sister was out of town and I am sure she would love a chance to fill the huge void in her life that she obviously has by missing you.

  312. there is a Kansas City, Kansas…its literally right across the river from Kansas City, Missouri, which is the better city of course!

  313. Best memoir I have every read! Seriously, I laughed, I cried, I peed my self a little…and then I read your book. hahaha
    You are awesome Jenny and “crazy” talented!! 🙂

  314. If you’re coming back to the frozen tundra (Personally I approve of “FroNo” for Minnesota), I hope it’s on my birthday again. Ha! If you aren’t coming back through, I can’t really blame you…it’s either 10,000 degrees with 100% humidity here or -50 windchill.

  316. We should rename all the states. Boring. We couldn’t even think up new names for half of them. New York…New Mexico…North and Souths…

  317. Rainy Day Books, the store who is sponsoring your visit to Kansas City, is on the Kansas side of the State Line. So, even though the book-signing itself is on the Missouri side, your hosts are from Kansas. So, you’re mostly right. Make sure to tell Victor.

    Also, we are soooooooo excited to see you in Kansas City!!!! But beware of the very creepy Easter Bunny statues that are all over the Country Club Plaza (where the signing is) that time of year. You’re going to want to either run away or take one home with you.

  318. Hang on a fucking second; America gets you twice when Australia hasn’t even had you once? What’s wrong with us? I demand the name and email address of your agent!

  320. Ohhhh PLEASE come to Canada!!! Toronto area!!! I would love to meet you…I’m such a huge fan…but not in a weird kinda Kathy Bates way….!!

  322. Eeee!!!! Please come to Canada…well, Vancouver….just Vancouver because that’s where I am and I would LOVE to meet you!!!!

  324. I Lived in Massachusetts (WE GOT THE MA!) and wondered what it meant. Here is some nformation gleaned from online: The first meaning is the Massachusett people, a tribe. They were nearly wiped out by European, particularly the English. There are small bands of this tribe found in Natick, Canton, and other towns in Massachusetts. The second meaning means “place with hills”. The language is a dialect of Algonquin, most likely Wampanoag or Massachusett.

    I suspect the native Americans might like it if MA got another name as it must rankle to see your sacred tribal name being used in vain by the descendents of the people who wiped out your ancestors. So “Tater-tots” it is! Also, bonus adverts for the Tater-tot people every time the name of the state appears in a news story and whatnot. Possible revenue generation?

  325. BTW, I just wanted to say that I love checking out the comments for links to your readers’ blog posts. I find the best stuff to read that way. Good writers read you.

  326. I AM SO EXCITED YOU’RE COMING TO KANSAS CITY!!! I live on the (better) Kansas side of Kansas City, but that’s not important. The important part is I CAN COME SEE YOU!!! Can I bring my hard back book? Can I get a picture with you? Can I take you out to dinner? I’m TOTALLY getting a babysitter for this! (For me my kids, and one for me. You’ll appreciate it)

  328. Does this mean future graduates of Massachusetts Institute of Technology will be telling people they went T-TIT?

  330. I typed out Massachusetts, because I was sure I could think of something I liked better than “tater tot’s” (I couldn’t). Then I realized I don’t think I’ve ever typed that word in my adult life, because I couldn’t get over how weird it was. I’ll stick with Tater Tots.

  331. Please take care of yourself on this tour. The last one wiped you out. Do whatever is necessary to keep centered and grounded.

    (I am. One week on the road, one week off is my new pattern. ~ Jenny)

  334. I am with the person who wants to rename Maine : Ugly Boots.
    If that is taken I woudl go with WickedAssCold

  335. You cannot rename Missouri “Ancient Rome”… If I had to say “I grew up in Ancient Rome” the jokes about how OLD I am would become really unstoppable!

  336. I can’t wait to see schedule!!! KC is only 3hr drive!!! Unless Nebraska is on your list????

  337. My daughter watched the video with me, saying, “Hey, you’ve got that book!” (I’ve got the hardcover.) “…I thought it was about a mouse!”

    Definitely getting the paperback for the new chapter! Please come to South Carolina!

  340. Kansas City not being in Kansas is such a kick in the face for Kansonites/Kansonians/people from Kansas.
    America:”Hey Kansas, how do you feel about having a moderately large midwestern city named after you?”
    Kansas: “That would be awesome! Thanks America”
    America: “Yeah, were putting it in Missourri. Enjoy Wichita!!!”
    Kansas:

  341. So if you re named Michigan … Wolverine does that mean the lake gets renamed too??? Cuz that wrecks the whole HOMES acronym it would HOWES (my friend just read that over my shoulder and pronounced it ho’s). And now the great lakes are ho’s… I don’t think this is what you meant to happen when you started renaming states.

  343. OMG, I had a temp job once where I had to sort donations by state. The M’s and N’s always pissed me the hell off! There are 26 letters, why didn’t they use more of them when naming the states?? These things perplex me.

  344. What would be lovely is if you could come and tour Australia. By Australia, I mean the little island that hangs off the bottom called Tasmania. There are many, many women here who worship you, relate to you and think you’re pretty goddamn awesome.

  345. Now, all this Little House talk makes me want you to want to name the states after LHOTP characters …Persival and Hester Sue…come to mind. But hey, it’s your book tour. I am however inspired to re-name all 50 states with character names…I think I can do it. I’ll let you know how it goes…

  348. Will you PRETTY PLEASE come to the Tampa Bay area in Florida?????? How about if I bring you a stuffed dead animal???? Or, I could bring you my Mom’s tri-pod cat. She is still alive, but she likes to pretend that we are dead. Except for when she is hunrgy, or we are sleeping and she is on our head like a fluffy hat, or when she is sick and pees on the bed to let us know that she is sick. Anyway, if you could come to see us, I will bring you something.

  349. I heartily support your renaming plans for Missouri.
    Can’t wait to visit my aunt in Herculaneum, Ancient Rome. Provided it’s not Volcano Day…

  350. I looooove the smell of new books. It’s why I haven’t bought an e-reader yet. Yay paperback tour! If I can come see you on tour again, I promise not to cry again.

    Lies. I might cry. Again.

  352. Looking forward to seeing you in MOhio! I apologize if someone already used that. Seriously, it’s like my bosses don’t want me to read you. Or my tablet is Anti-Bloggess or something. Life since the cubicle has been awful, but at least my friends have been there for me. And you’re coming to MOhio. Right? Juanita!

  353. There are two Kansas Citys. (Yes, I know the plural of City is Cities, but this would seem to be illogical here.) Kansas City, Missouri is the original Kansas City, and Kansas City, Kansas is its western suburb, because the city is on the border between the two states.

  354. Secured tickets to your Kansas City, Missouri, visit. Really looking forward to it.

    Sorry the state/city thing causes confusion, it does here, too.

  356. A whole new chapter? I’m still working on the hardback that my brother was nice enough to give me for my birthday in December. Shucks. And the KC, MO and KC, KS thing confuses everyone as far as I can tell. Have a great time though.

  357. I didn’t know where Montana was until 6 months before I moved here when I was in my 30s… wait I mean until I moved here to The Dark North, which interestingly stays daylightish until 10:30 in the summers. It is wacky. It also gets dark at 4 pm-ish in the winter, so your name for it is very apt, half the time… or some fraction that I can’t do right now because my brain is not at full capacity. Math*Dark=Right or something.

  359. All my friends who live in Missouri call it Misery… so maybe you should call it Kathy Bates. Also, in Minnesota, they put 10′ flag poles on top of all the fire hydrants so the snow plows won’t hit them when they are clearing streets… maybe it should be Nanook of the North?

  361. I’m going to suggest you actually rename Massachusetts/Tater Tots to Cream Pie. Because, who wouldn’t want Boston Cream Pie on a plane ticket?

  362. Maine should be called “The Dead Zone.” We can get double duty out of that. Not only is it a Stephen King reference but also covers the fact that cell phone coverage up here pretty much sucks the big one.

    “Can you hear me now?”

    No. No I can’t @$$hole. I don’t have any %&*#ing bars.

  363. Personally, I like to call Minnesota Hoth during the winter, and The Amazon during the summer. There is always the joke that, “Minnesota has two seasons – winter, and road construction.” So we’ve got that going for us.

    In all seriousness, come back to MN! But not in winter or summer. Try spring or fall.

  365. Also, I just copy/pasted the link into facebook to ask my friend to go with me on a lady date…and the picture that posted with the link was a half-naked guy on the cover of some book called prince of power…so now my lady date proposal is SUPER awkward….and sexy.

  366. I live in The Dark North, and we could certainly use a visit from you!

  368. I’m going to start telling people that I work in “Neil-Patrick-Harris”. Also I was born in the Kansas City that’s in MO, and it is way better than the Kansas City in Kansas.

  369. My hometown is a flat three hours north of Kansas City. There IS a Kansas City, KS. It’s right across the river from the Missouri part. The Missouri part is most definitely better. Not that this has anything to do with anything, but for our senior skip day, my high school class went to Worlds of Fun, the amusement park there.

    Also … several years ago, when I was driving to school, I was listening to the radio. The talk show hosts’ current topic was, “Weird smells that I enjoy.” Some people called in and said they liked the smell of bus exhaust, and enjoyed driving behind buses. That sort of weird fetish thing. Anyway, one person called in and said that they loved the smell of books. Of old, used books. Vintage ones. Whatever. She said, “You know, sometimes I just go into the used bookstore and bury my head in the volumes. Crack open a book and breathe deep. Wow, this book smells like Kennedy is still in office!”

  370. Massachusetts cant be tater-tots. We banned the lettah ‘r’ 14 generations ago. It can be named “taytuh-tahts and beeyuh” (translation: beer aka sam adams cuz its the only beeyuh we drink up heeyuh.)

  371. JENNY! You’re finally coming to my neck of the woods, in Missouri, not Montana. You’re gonna love it here, you get to do your reading in a church! Jen Lancaster came here a couple of years ago and did a reading in the same place, and don’t worry, she dropped a couple of profanities and didn’t get struck by lightening, so it’s all good. Can’t wait to come see you!

  372. Someone probably told you this in the myriad of comments here, but the place you are going to be at, Unity Temple, is actually only about 10 blocks from KC, KS, so you could very easily visit KS as well on your trip.

  374. 1.) The book store you’re going to in Missouri is awesome!!! The people are fantastic and the part of town is amazing! You will love MO.
    2.) Please come to Atlanta.

  375. You should stop at our store on your way to Kansas City. We ARE in Kansas and a store one block from us sells metal chickens. We could pair up for your reading and sell chickens all in one night! We’re small enough you wouldn’t have to hide in the bathroom but you could if you wanted. One hour from KC. Think about us!

  376. I’m so stoked for you to come to Kansas/Missouri/Ancient Rome!!! Booking my tickets right now!

  377. i have been living in KCMO since i was 2 (so for 26 years) and i did not realize that people were so thrown off by the whole KCK/KCMO thing! however, because you are a KS lover: the bookstore that is sponsoring your reading is actually in fairway, KS. it is just way too small for a big time celebrity such as yourself so they had to hold your party at a bigger place in MO. however, they are literally like 10 minutes away from each other (in heavy traffic). also, the place in MO where your reading is is actually on the south side of the river which you will cross on your way from the airport (which is up north, by kansas city, north… not to be confused by north kansas city which is a totally seperate town (with a different mayor) from KCK and KCMO). So don’t let anyone tell you that crossing the river leads you into KS because that is a dirty lie. if you would like a full Kansas City history lesson, just call me up. besides coming to your signing, i have not much else to do…

  378. Just finished Lets Pretend This Never Happened and would like to say I enjoyed it, but I can’t because it failed the ever important treadmill test. I should clarify – Winning the Treadmill Test = A book helps me “reasonably” forget that I’m on the treadmill in the gym while reading. However, I was not allowed to forget I was reading your book because it caused me to bust out laughing and quite nearly perform an ER dismount of said treadmill…. with EVERYONE in the gym staring at me & my old stretched thin pants (because I refuse to by new pants until I lose 5 lbs already). It should contain a warning not to read it on treadmills because if you do you might die, of humiliation at least.

  379. Please, pretty please with salsa on top, please come to Austin. My bootcamp trainer played us some of your book yesterday and we (Tom, Alice, Maria, and I) adored it! Of course, she also brings us chocolate sometimes, so obviously she’s not your average trainer. We’ll take you for fried avocado tacos at Torchy’s afterward.

  381. I’m really disappointed that you’re offering additional chapters in your paperback book which is cheaper than the hardcover I bought. While I’m usually one to jump on a bargain (more chapters + cheaper price!), I feel a bit swindled since I’m being unfairly punished for buying your book as soon as it was available.

    My friend and I drove 2 hours to see you in LA to have our hardcover books signed; we love the stories and read your site frequently. I’m going to go gently sob in a corner now, because I’ll probably never read those extra chapters since I’m not getting the paperback and there are no bookstores left in my town for me to find the book and covertly read (damn you Amazon, you amazing freaking site!).

    ~heartbroken fan

    (Actually the extra chapter was more of a gift to people like you who have already read it but still wanted to buy the paperback version. I bet you can find it at your library eventually. 🙂 ~ Jenny)

  383. I’m from Massachusetts and I endorse changing the state name to Tater Tots (yuuuuuummmm!)

  386. Is there any way that you can caption things like the trailer? I’d love to know what is being said. Maybe pass this on to the people who created the trailer about captioning guidelines: http://www.dcmp.org/ciy/ This site shows the proper way to caption (how long to keep the words up, don’t forget to describe sounds, etc) and has links to various captioning programs both web based and ones you download, free and for pay.

    Also, the next time you’re in DC/Bal’more I’d like to see you. Who in your team would I contact about getting an interpreter?

  388. Minnesota….. Mini Soda
    OR
    Minnesota…… The Bipolar State
    Extremely Insane state that has mood swings of the temperature kind. We are either really HOT or really COLD…..but the residents are even more insane……Shorts in winter and sweatshirts in summer.

    I live in Minnesota. And I love it (I’m also insane ;o)

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