Shall I compare you to a summer's eve?

in Random Crap

Conversation between me and Victor:

me: I wish you’d say more romantic things to me.

Victor:  Fine.  Shall I compare you to a summer’s eve?

me:  It’s “a summer’s day.”  Summer’s Eve is a douche.

Victor:  Oh.  Right.

me:  Although, technically I think I’d rather be compared to a douche.  I mean, compared to a douche I am FANTASTIC.  How would I measure up to a summer’s day?  Summer’s days are hot and awesome, and – truth be told – I’m not sure I’d pass that test.

Victor:  I don’t even know what to say here.

me:  Awesome.  Now I’m feeling only slightly better than douche.  You know what?  Just never be romantic again.

Victor: Not a problem.

166 thoughts on “Shall I compare you to a summer's eve?”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. If I had said that to hubby, he’d be raising his eyebrows obnoxiously while grinning wildly and asking: “Sexy time?” And I’d go “Good enough” because I’d fear the results if he’d added more effort into it

  3. You know very well summers here in Texas, even the eves, are just miserable and you are way more awesome than miserable. If we’re going to compare you to anything hanging out under the counter in the bathroom, I’d have to say I’d compare you to Listerine…cool and minty.

  5. You are WAY better than a summer’s day. I always wish those were over. You, on the other hand…well, you are too funny and cool, and I can never get enough. Not romantic, I know, but I appreciate you much more than douches!

  6. How sweet. It’s like Valentine’s Day came early.
    You’re a lucky girl. When I’m mentioned in the same sentence as “douche,” it’s never romantic.

  7. I tell my husband and kids that I love them more than coffee. My 6 year old says, “Whoa, that’s big.” I really love my coffee.

  11. Oddly enough this sounds exactly like a conversation that I’d have with my husband. They mean well, but just get so confused by the whole concept of romance. Poor babies.

  12. Honestly, every time you post these types of conversations I can just hear my wife’s voice for your comments and mine for Victor’s. It’s very amusing.

  13. Slightly better than a douche is WAY better than slightly worse than a douche – and until you were compared to a douche, you didn’t knowingly feel better than a douche. So there’s that.

  14. Moral of the Story: wives do not know what they want. Do not give them what they ask for, because it is not what they want, and you will regret doing so. You will also regret not giving them what they ask for, but at least you will have spared yourself the wasted effort. You’ll be a douche, but then, you’ll both be in the same boat, won’t you?

    (insert “man in the boat” joke here)

  15. Awesome. I would love to hang out with you and Victor. He totally sounds like my husband. Happy Valentine’s Day to you both.

  21. I remember those ads!

    I once walked up to my mother and out of the blue asked if she’d ever had that “not so fresh feeling.”

    Talk about an awkward silence!

  22. Lol – yes we had those commercials here in Canada as well. I remember them coming on ALWAYS when I was watching tv with my dad. Awkward.

  23. My husband and I will be married for 33 years in July. While occasionally he will do something resembling romantic, I would probably be suspicious if he would start now. 🙂 You and Victor are so made for each other, whether you are romantic or not! You make my day with your wit and humor. Thank you!

  26. Thou art more lovely and more temperate…than a douche.
    Rough winds do shake the darling bags of douche,
    And a douche’s lease hath all too short a date.
    (okay, side note: do douches expire? I don’t even know.)

  27. I think Victor should get hazard pay…
    Or a blueprint of your brain…
    Or a TARDIS to go back and fix his mistakes…

    Either way, the poor bastard needs some help. It may take more than a mere mortal’s abilities to handle being betrothed to The Bloggess…

  28. At first I thought I failed because instead of thinking of douches, I thought of Shakespeare. Then I realized I actually didn’t because I thought of Shakespeare which then led me to think of the episode of Dr Who where the Doctor and Martha meet Shakespeare. And Doctor thoughts trump douche thoughts any day.

    Now I am off to watch that episode! Toodles!

  31. Hah! My SAH (super awesome husband) likes to ruin the mood like this (Was it one of Pheobe’s (Friends) boyfriends that did the same thing – i can’t remember?):
    Using our sexy “in bed” voices
    Me:”Say something sexy to me?”
    SAH:”Say something sexy to you?”
    Me:”Yes – talk dirty”
    SAH”You want me to talk dirty?”
    Me: “Yeah – tell me how much you want me”
    SAH “Tell you how much I want you?”

    And in a not sexy voice at all
    Me: “Yeah – stop repeating everything I say. I love you but I’m going to sleep now. ‘Night.”

  33. My husband would have just screamed “IT’S A TRAP!” and run away. At least Victor tried?

  34. I once asked DH why he didn’t call me by any cute food names. His answer? “You’re my loaf.” Ot.

  35. Mine has been known to buy me flowers with a card that says “Here’s your fucking flowers.”

    Because he thinks flowers are a stupid gift (they die) and MUST remind me that if/when I ever get them it’s because he’s trying to do what I want, not what he would give.

    Snort. I keep the cards: laugh every time I read them.

  36. Men are just stupid sometimes. I was talking to this guy the other day and he told me that he would get back to me during my break at work. Well, I didn’t hear from him and the next day when I asked him what happened, he told me that he got caught up in Wrestling crap instead. Nice to know where I rank in his mind…

  37. I’m still laughing at Cara’s comment (Comment #2) because that’s the limit of romance in this household. (Hey, he cooks. I’ll take that over flowers and chocolates any day.)

  38. At least he tried, and he got part of it right….. You don’t need to be compared to anything summer anyway, you are awesome either way

  41. hysterical. let’s see – compared to a douche – i do not come with the possibility of infection, you do not need to insert me into your body, and i will not cause undue curiousity in your bathroom. so, yeah! i don’t mind being compared to a douche either! i’m WAAAAAAAY better!

  42. Based on previously shared conversations, I’m surprised Victor was speechless. Kudos to you, I think.

  45. Makes perfect sense to me. In fact I think I’ll use that strategy on my next job interview when they ask me to describe myself “Well when compared to spiders, serial killers, feminine products, and roadkill…I’m AWESOME!”

  49. A couple of weeks ago Eric and I were arguing and I said “I know I’m being ridiculous, but…” then he agreed with me. I had to explain to him that there are certain things he should never agree with. Kudos to Victor for at least admitting that he didn’t know what to say, rather than putting his foot in his mouth.

  50. Oh, and you’re totally better than a summer’s day. Summer gets so hot it’s suffocating. You’ve never tried to suffocate me.

  51. Thou are definitely more lovely (and waaaay more awesome), but I’m kinda thinking we’re never really going to use the word “temperate” to describe you… And that’s a good thing! Temperate is boring.

  52. I’d think the Summer’s Eve would be better. Because you are never “stuck up”. Get it…Stuck up. Oh wow I need a Valium and a nap.

  53. This sounds like conversations my husband and I have over romance. For the record, I know people who aren’t better than douche, so being able to say you are awesome compared to douche is a good thing. 🙂

  54. My husband doesn’t even try anymore. I can’t even sucker him into trying. If he ever did try something romantic I’m looking for a pod, because that is NOT my husband talking 🙂

  56. LOL – thank you SO much for making me laugh out loud at work on a Friday morning. Your conversations with Victor are always good for a laugh.
    Malia recently posted – Why Should Emma Stone Have all the Fun?

  57. My husband doesn’t often say romantic things, but he does pretend to hump me from behind while I’m loading the dishwasher, so I know I’ve still got it.

  59. My mom told me that I couldn’t even think about Summers Eve until after I was married. I thought douches would make me pregnant until adulthood. Absurd but true story

  62. Exactly the kind of romance I can get behind. Our home is a designated Valentines Day free zone, even douches wrapped in pink hearts are banned. We really must get #valentinesdouche trending, don’t you think?

  64. Well, I suppose it depends on how you feel about summer days. To me, they are sticky, tiresome and lazy, so really you’d have to be a sloth to measure up to them.

    …I’m not sure I’d like to measure up to that.

  69. I try to just use romantic looks. The minute I open my mouth it’s like a bad night at the improv. Nothing comes out right and usually end up being used as ammo back at me in future days. Not good, so I keep my mouth shut.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  71. At least it was brand name douche? And, of course, that’s more romantic than saying “Shall I compare you to a Fleets?”

  73. Honestly, depending on the humidity and heat of a Summer’s Day, you may need a Summer’s Eve.

  75. Technically it’s “Shall I compare THEE to a summer’s day”. Much more fancy. Even makes the Summer’s Eve comparison better.

  76. It’s summer here (theoretically), but yesterday was cold and wet. So I don’t think I’d be that keen on being compared to a summer’s day either…

  80. The DH was the romantic one of the two of us, and always sent flowers to the office on VD.

    See, he broke up with his girlfriend on VD, then came over to my dorm room to say he finally did it. Then he said, ” I guess it’s just you and me, kid.” And I replied, “whaddaya mean ‘we,’ Kemosabe?” That was in 1977

    For the next 34 years, on every VD, at some point during the day he would call and say, “Whaddaya mean ‘we,’ Kemosabe?” In my heart, I still wait for that phone call.

    I think Victor is, in his own way, as romantic as you can handle. Anything else would make you suspect.

  81. I should know better than to drink and read your blog at the same time by now, but my iced tea just came out my nose … again! Fortunately it is still too early for the bubbly, that would’ve hurt more. Thanks for the laugh though, its always well worth it!

  82. I’m not really sure what to say here, either…LMAO! I’m going to go with, A.) You are WAY better than a douche, and B.) You compare mightily to a summers day in that you are BOTH awesome and that pic with the rollers in your hair …dude, wicked-hot! 😛

  84. “A” for effort? Poor Victor, trying to bust out the sexy, sexy Shakespeare. But at least he knows “Wherefore art thou Romeo” doesn’t actually mean “dude, where the hell are you, Romeo.” Right?

  85. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

    But you are right, except for one thing. Summer days are hot and nasty. I hate the summer. Now the fall there is a beautiful time of year. Sigh.

    What are we talking about again?

  89. Normally I’d rather be compared to a douche as well. But after reading this review on http://www.SummersEve.com/products, I realize I probably wouldn’t pass that test either.

    EXPECTO PATRONUM!!!!
    THANK YOU FOR MAKING MY VAGINA SMELL DELICIOUS!!!!!

    ps. Don’t ask me how I came across this. (I promised my friend I wouldn’t say.)

  94. At times I just want to feel normal and Thank God for your blog because those are the type of converstations that go on in my head but am to afraid to let them out! Thanks, it made me laugh.

  95. Thou art more lovely and more temperate. And probably less irritating to the delicate ph of my lady garden… just a guess.

  99. This reminds me of the time I asked the hubby if he would love me more if I lost some weight. (loaded question, I know. I blame pms)

    His reply: I’d love you more per square inch.

    I suppose that’s engineer romance?

  103. this is hilarious. I just laughed for a full minute. and i love your book. and i wish you were coming to boulder, colorado on your tour. and i can’t figure out how to subscribe to your posts.

  105. Romance is a highly overrated thing, as are douches. A sense of humor is the most attractive thing can have in a marriage. And you’ve got it in abundance!!!!

  111. My hubby is very romantic. We go on dates to dinner and a movie, or a concert or play, the symphony or ballet. All of which we both love. He lets me have the tv remote, loves a good tear-jerker and spends time with the grandkids. He brings me flowers just because…not to buffer my discovery of any blunders…he owns up to those, and so do I. HOWEVER, when it comes to the bedroom, he’s a “wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am” kind of guy. Everything else he does without prompting outweighs the bedroom. We celebrate Valentine’s Day every day of the year. I think I’ll keep him.

  112. It’s not ‘summer’s eve’? Hm, it should be. Those douches are supposed to be refreshing. In a way that is really, REALLY not good for you. So then again, maybe not. Just stick with pragmatic over romantic.

  114. Sounds a lot like a conversation that would happen between me and fiancee. Neither of us are very romantic… EVER! We spent our anniversary this year at Subway sharing a foot-long sandwich.

  116. Jenny you should have figured it out by now! Victor time travels, knows exactly what will get you hot and bothered in a conversation and therefore I hate to admit it, wins…like seriously. You have to do something about this!

  117. Give Victor an A+ for effort. My husband and I had a date night that consisted of Wendy’s, visiting his dad in the hospital, and spending a $250 gift card at Walmart on groceries. His idea of being romantic was Squeezing my boob and sayin “Honk, honk” as we walked down a Walmart aisle. I gladly be compared to a douche. Douches don’t give me sore boobs.

  118. LOL. I was JUST thinking about douche (douches?) the other day. How I haven’t seen ads for these in awhile or for feminine “spray.” Has the problem gone away? Or have people figured out it isn’t that big of a problem and if it is, maybe just…um, bathe? But I WAS kind of worried that we might miss the word douche-bag in the future as future generations forget that there once was a time…I think I think too much.

  119. I see your post and immediately jump to thoughts of Valentine’s Day. Being summer down here an’ all, it just seems so apropos. However, if my husband snores around Valentine’s Day like he did tonight – driving me from my bed at about 1:30 am – it won’t be an uber romantic day. Not. At. All. 😉

  121. And you respond, ” O happy dagger! This is thy sheath; there rust, and let me die.” How you tell Victor he has a killer penis. I love Shakespeare.

  123. My husband once told me he’s glad we’re married so he doesn’t have to woo me anymore…he’s always talking sexy like that. Like when he told his friends he can’t wait to have kids so I can have something to do. That was 20 years and 2 kids ago. He’s an ass. But since he has a good job I don’t have to work so I guess I’ll stick around.

  125. men are a little retarded(and nothing against the actually developmentally disabled)
    my husband is British…which explains a lot.
    I am a mushy affectionate type and when we go to bed I always hug and kiss him and say goodnight and that I love him. I often joke and say-is there anything you’d like to tell me before we fall asleep? I had been teasing him the last week a bit and not saying the I love you just to see if he’d ever do it first.
    Last night he surprised me and said it first.
    Funny how something so small made me feel good. If they’d just realize we don’t always need huge romantic gestures, sometimes it’s just little things that make us remember why we love this person….and don’t kill them in their sleep!

  126. Romance is like douche. Every time it gets up in there, it totally messes with your natural flora. However, the after effects are totally refreshing.

  128. I want to believe he was quoting Picard from Next Gen. Although I’m not sure being compared to Lwaxana Troi is a compliment…. Perhaps he did fail…

  131. So much awesome in the comments! Why do I often picture Victor groaning like Lurch from The Addams Family? (Oh yeah, it’s because that is my husband’s general reaction to my awesomeness…)

  132. Well now I’m picturing you both walking on a beach and one of you isn’t feeling so fresh. You know. *down there* Thanks for that visual, Jenny.

  134. I refer to people at work as the summer’s eve clan… summer’s eve is NEVER romantic!

  135. I just came across this from an english teacher friend, and of course your post came to mind too:

    1. William Shakespeare, Sonnet 18

    Famous Quote: “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?”

    This is definitely the most quoted line in all of English literature, so much so that you’ve probably seen it as a parody more often that you’ve seen it written out straight — for example, “Shall I compare thee to a bale of hay.” It’s one of the few poems that is just so cliché that, if a guy recited it to his girlfriend on a date, even the most love-sick of recipients would roll their eyes in disgust.

    But when Shakespeare’s talking about “love,” he’s not talking about romantic love or feminine beauty– the first 126 sonnets in Shakespeare’s work are generally understood to be addressed towards a man, and many of the surrounding pieces are actually encouraging procreation. Shakespeare isn’t wooing a beautiful woman; he’s telling a wealthy young ponz exactly what he wants to hear: that he’s just so damn sexy that it’d be pretty much the worst thing in the world if he didn’t have kids.

    So if you’re a lady reading this, if any guy offers to compare you to a summer’s day, say “no, ’cause I’m not a dude.” If you’re a guy, don’t offer to compare your lady to a summer’s day. If you’re a man whose wife is trying to convince you that it’s time to have kids then…uh, that’s actually fine. Nicely done.

    Read more: http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-most-misunderstood-lines-in-literary-history.php#ixzz2KQpK6rru

  137. This is the kind of thing I wish I could share with my students (7th and 8th grade), who have been memorizing sonnets this week. But, alas, I cannot.

  138. Ah, but what do you say to Victor if you’re being romantic?

    “Shall I compare thee to the Doctor?”

  140. I asked my hubby to “draw me like one of those French girls”……he drew a stick figure girl with boobs! THAT’S romance!! Ha….men!!! T:)

  141. Only The Bloggess could make being compared to a douche seem like a good idea……..it’s that kind of twisted logic that I can really get on board with………..love it!!!

  142. Summary days in NYC smell like urine. If you don’t smell like you just peed yourself, YOU’RE ALREADY WINNING.*

    *it’s called “raising the bar.” Achievement feels good, doesn’t it?

  144. I don’t know what ‘Summer’s Eve’ you’re talking about – in fact, summer’s eve sounds like one of my favourite times – just before those hot, hot days, but still lovely weather, and you can sit outside drinking lemonade in the garden until late, but you don’t have to lie awake for hours in the stifling humid heat of the actual season.

    Sorry for going off on some random tangent…

  146. Ba ha ha. Remember the Summer’s Eve ads from 80s magazines?? I always thought it was so weird and mysterious. Maybe it is good to be compared to something weird and mysterious?

  147. Kismet?

    Your douche romance conversation with Victor.

    And now
    this story.

    In the journal “Urology”.

    About the shocking increase in pubic hair grooming injuries/

    What are the odds?

    Further proof that the universe listens to your conversations with Victor.

    Which is reassuring.

    And somewhat terrifying at the same time.

    Anyway, let’s be careful down there…

  148. I just finished reading her book:D Oh my god TOTALLY WORTH IT!!! I felt pretty good about myself after reading it though:D

  149. As I am the 145th commenter, you and everyone else in the world, will probably never read this, but I just had to say that this is hysterical! I think my husband and I have had the same conversation, but with less douche talk. Yours is a lot funnier. Love it.

  151. Seems an appropriate place to raise this issue. Saw this on a sign outside a strip bar (as in hair, not clothing removal):
    “Be vajazzled for Valentine’s Day!”
    Speaking as a guy interested in vaginas I would say that I am easily vajazzled by the sight of almost any old (as in “ol’ “) vagina.
    I think they wanted to say, “Be vajazzling for Valentine’s Day!”
    But I’m no grammarian. Thoughts?

  152. Is it a sign of the times that when someone says “douche,” I think the insult instead of the actual femenine hygiene product? Fuck, I must be a complete douche if I can’t even get on board with the rest of my gender. Is it un-PC to then start telling people they are being “a giant Summer’s Eve?”

    Anyways…yeah. I love your blog, High Bloggess. Kudos and Happy V-Day — douchiness or not.

  153. I can burp and fart loud and long these days and don’t even get a raised eyebrow. She’s numb to the pain – but I buy her flowers occasionally just to throw her off her guard.

  154. A further demonstration that men and women live on different planets: the local weather report was talking about a “European Model Storm” striking the coast. I said, “Hmm, a storm of European models? Post pics please.” She said, “Ooooh, if they’re for Warhammer, I want them!” We looked at each other, perplexed. She said, “Okay, I was thinking of scale models for miniatures gaming; what were you thinking of? Beautiful women?” I shrugged and smiled. Then she quoted Dogma: “Beautiful naked women don’t just fall out of the sky!”

    We might not be on the same planet, but we’re still oh, so right for each other.

  156. Are you sure our men aren’t related? I don’t think my man has a romantic bone in his body, and for the safety of my feelings and others around me I think it’s a good thing he doesn’t even try!

  157. You are definitely way more awesome than a summers day. Here in Virginia summers are hot and sticky and make your hair flat and limp due to the humidity. I am SURE you have never made Victor limp. I am sure it is quite the opposite. 😉 You are more like a Spring Day: pretty, warm and bright. 🙂

  158. Summer’s Eve, haha! You know who would really appreciate a malappropism like that? Shakespeare, that’s who. This is my 10th Valentine’s Day with my man, and trying to come up with something new, exciting and romantic is hard the 10th time around. So we’re going with new, exciting and silly by taking a special Valentine’s day tour of the Crime and Punishment museum. Now that’s romance.

  159. At least he went with the name brand and didn’t try to compare you to Walmart’s Great Value douche… He thinks your special… 😉

  161. My colleague just instant messaged me over the network with the title to this post. Except, she forgot that I got a virus this morning, so ITS has my laptop. And must be actively working on it, since the Instant Messenger automatically logged me in.

    So far the tech has not replied to her. I hope we don’t end up with sexual harassment training out of this.

  162. That’s funny. My husband and I call people “Summers Eve” after my then 5 year old called someone a Douche.

  163. Hahahaha! Trying to laugh hysterically but unobtrusively, no can do. Now everyone’s looking. Oh well.

  164. My ex boyfriend used to call me ratlegs. In an affectionate way. I’m not sure why. I did ask once, but he said, I don’t know, you just are. We aren’t together anymore. Maybe if he had called me supermodel legs things may have been different.

  165. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with xkcd (which is a cartoon and not a horrible disease), but if you aren’t, there’s a hilarious compare/contrast cartoon comparing “thee” to “a summer’s day”…I think it would be right up your alley. http://xkcd.com/1026/

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