And now I can't unsee it. And neither can you.

And this is why I have a love/hate relationship with Pinterest:


And in entirely unrelated news, it’s time for the weekly wrap up:

What you missed in my shop (tentatively called “Eight pounds of uncut cocaine” so that your credit card bill will be more interesting.):

What you missed on the internets:

This week on shit-I-didn’t-come-up-with-but-wish-I-did-because-it’s-kind-of-awesome:

This week’s wrap-up is sponsored by The Big Book of Dumb White Husband.  If you’re not him, you know him. He’s challenged the grocery store. He’s confronted the HOA. He’s even taken on Santa. He loses—a lot. These are the tales of the Dumb White Husband and they are now available all in one dumb place—the bestselling Big Book of Dumb White Husband by Benjamin Wallace.

130 replies. read them below or add one

  1. I have more of an annoyed/hate relationship with Pinterest, but the “eat your family” one is pretty damn awesome…

    brahm (alfred lives here) recently posted There are no words....

  2. Goddammit. That’s a cute man-eating beast.

    Andreas Heinakroon recently posted Eve, Adam and how we almost didn’t make it.

  3. …Have I mentioned lately how much I love you?

    Squishy Amber recently posted Engaging in Escapism.


  5. Wow, those hairless little balls of flesh DO look like penises. Lol!

    Joanne recently posted 8 things you shouldn’t see in the women’s bathroom.

  6. I want to know how Rachel Federman knows that Jennifer Lawson’s statement about “Voldemort’s junk” looking like baby polar bears is true. What is she hiding from everyone? Hmmm?

  7. After reading this I’m going to have nightmares about Voldemort’s bare polar bear penis eating my family.

    Condo Blues recently posted Painted Thrift Store Bathroom Mirror.

  8. I think the real bears are cute!

    How does Rachel know they accurately resemble Volemort’s junk?

    Cris recently posted Zen and the Art of Toast.

  9. Well there go all my Ralph Fiennes fantasies. THANKS A LOT.

  10. If that’s a good example of a penis, then what the hell have I been looking at my whole adult life?

    (Smuggled polar bears? ~ Jenny)

    Chelsie recently posted (Mostly) Wordless Monday.

  11. Thou impertinent pox-marked nut-hook. Are all of those insults?

    And I am soooooo pissed that someone would go to such ADORABLE lengths to hornswaggle us. And I want to know where to get one of those handmade toy polar bears that will NOT grow up to eat my family. Or maybe I’d rather know where to get one of those penises that will enlarge so greatly that it will devour my family one day. Depends on how my family is treating me. It goes back and forth.

    MILF Runner recently posted Friday Five: things about me that seem to piss people off....

  12. HAHAHA Voldemort’s junk. I almost peed.

    xo Ashley

    Ashley recently posted All Dolled Up.

  13. I totally bought it. I would have believe it was a polar bear and even fought with people to not have to know the truth.

    Brett Minor (@brettminor) recently posted Funny Bone Results #13.

  14. I bought it too, then I saw the comments on your post ignored it, and re pinned it anyway. It’s funny.

    Bailey recently posted Family Time.

  15. hahaha this is the best thing ever!

    Amanda recently posted snorkelling in boracay..

  16. Ah, baby penises, how cute. Um, wait, that sounds horrible out of context. Second try. Ah, baby man eating beasts, how adorable. Yep, there it is, nailed it.

    Smokeynall recently posted The First Goalie Post..

  17. Oh My Gawd… that picture was so cute!! but that conversation was HILARIOUS! Way to ruin it, Rachel! Geez… what a buzz kill.. LOL!
    Fine… little penises it is… much more fitting that they should grow up to eat our families, I suppose…Geez.
    Stupid penises.

    *cracks up*

    @Casey_L_Clark recently posted Don’t forget… writing is fun!.

  18. … well at least I know what Voldemort’s junk would look like.

    Amanda recently posted and the snow may devour us all.

  19. Pinterest makes me feel like a loser. But polar bear cubs are cute. So I get it.

    Mom Off Meth recently posted My dad sells bras.

  20. Amanda- you wondered? LOL! (I honestly never thought he’d be that BIG)

    @Casey_L_Clark recently posted Don’t forget… writing is fun!.

  21. 21
    Kathryn Franks @Thrushiebaby

    You know, just when I think I can’t laugh at you anymore, because I am positive you have peaked at funny… HELLO!!!
    You rock

  22. I’m drunk. Which, it turns out, is perfect for reading your blog. So thanks for that.

    Daddy Scratches recently posted Burger King spiked my co-worker’s fries with a mind-altering substance.

  23. Never thought I would yell, “STOP THAT RACHEL!” considering that’s my name, but that’s all I want to do right now.

    Rachel recently posted Here Are Pictures, Enjoy.

  24. Penises with arms and legs?? You need to be tons more famous than you already are because regular people can’t come up with that shit.


    Kristen Mae recently posted You CAN Meet Your Spouse in a Bar: My Ten Year Wedding Anniversary.

  25. The lady holding them has the expression of someone who’s held penises for a living for far to long now.

    thedavidcmurphy recently posted Life of Pie.

  26. I think this might be the first time I’ve ever considered what Voldemort’s junk looked like … and I’ve read some pretty explicit fanfiction.

    Kellie @ Delightfully Ludicrous recently posted I much preferred colouring to Religious Education anyway....

  27. Voldemort doesn’t have a nose… I think I always assumed other appendages were missing as well. Otherwise, after being re-animated, wouldn’t he be pretty desperate to get laid before anything else?

    OTOH, those ginormous baby paws are pretty fascinating.

    CL Frey recently posted Overheard in a Coffee Shop on a Tuesday.

  28. If I remember my useless knowledge nobody gives a shit about correctly, momma polar bears have a pretty rough parenting gig.

    My Half Assed Life recently posted Survival Of The Fittest.

  29. I feel like you may need to create a shirt out of this one, Jenny….

    SoldierGirl recently posted He.

  30. I never wondered what Voldemort’s junk would look like, and now I’ll never have to.

    Karen Peterson recently posted The Best 100 Movies According to Karen.

  31. I actually think the newborn Polar Bears are kind of cute….

  32. Voldemort’s junk is going to grow up and eat your family. Best visual ever. Maybe.

    Jude recently posted What a SAHM Does..

  33. Even the Voldycock ones can eat my family.

    JRose recently posted Valentine's Cards: Set Three - Nerdy but Sweet.

  34. I choose to believe that your picture is a real, baby polar bear. Fuck Rachel! (said in the nicest, winking manner possible!).

    Cheryl D. recently posted My Daughter Is Now 9. Wow!.

  35. Oh dear, I am not going to be able to get this entire exchange out of my head.

    Morgan Eckstein recently posted Belly of Nut.

  36. i’m trying to decide if i am thankful that i know now that baby polar bears look like penises with arms and legs??? i guess i am so that if i am ever offered one i can politely say – HELL THE FUCK NO!?!

    monica recently posted If a wild turkey tries to hit your Yukon, karma might be trying to get ya..

  37. Could that be a Maltese puppy which would also be adorable but would not eat your family or look like Voldemort’s junk?

  38. LOLOL! OMG, soo freaking funny.

    Em recently posted Please Read! You May Save a Life!.

  39. I’m horrified now that images of what Voldemort’s junk looks like are scrolling through my head…

    You-know-who’s you-know-what should not be a topic of anything.

    That white girl recently posted Land of the ...stupid?.

  40. I had a really bad experience shopping for my boyfriend…but after seeing the Dog’s page? OMG reformed shopper!!

    Miss Gee recently posted You've Got A Friend In Me..

  41. That would explain a lot about Voldemort, actually.

  42. I pinned a picture that was titled, “A baby giraffe”.
    I showed my friend… “oh, look at this adorable baby giraffe ”
    She said, “That’s not a baby giraffe, Jennifer. They are 6 ft tall when they are born!”
    So I clicked through the link and found out it was a baby dik dik. Kind of like Lord Voldemort’s penis.

  43. I don’t know how I feel about this.

    Jaime recently posted Homemade Friday: Urban Hiker for Adele.

  44. 44

    Well, all newborns are weird looking, so there’s that.

    DevonLikesTalking recently posted The last time I went to the movies was before Justin Bieber ruined music forever.

  45. “That’s horrendously accurate” I find myself saying that a lot when I read what you write. That and, “OH MY GOD I have never thought of it that way, either her brain is broken or mine is.” I’m pretty sure it’s mine.

    Sara recently posted Shining Moments.

  46. Methinks they look more like Fred & Ginger from the movie Splice.

    I just don’t see the penis similarities. Then again, I’ve never met a penis with tiny ears or arms & legs like the baby polar bears have. Perhaps I’m missing out?

  47. “It looks like penises, if penises had arms and legs” I read and then was consumed by the thought “but the fact that the penis has a FACE with a MOUTH with TEETH doesn’t phase you AT ALL????”

  48. Loved the polar bear pin and subsequent comments. The minions are a fun lot o’ peeps. Your life will never, ever be boring.

    Kara recently posted Paper Crafts Connection Stamping 3 Ways #3.

  49. I’ve never seen a penis like that, but I’m becoming a lesbian just in case, effective immediately.

    Marinka recently posted Testing.

  50. Wow, people are just really stupid, aren’t they.
    And also, in other news, the choose your adventure shirt should totally be mine.

    thedoseofreality recently posted The Most Shameful Parenting Moment I Have Ever Faced.

  51. Two issue:
    1. How do I know that that toy polar bear won’t grow up to eat my toy family? Still a threat.


    2. THANKS for the baby polar bear/”penis with arms” connection. Now every time I see a news story about how polar bears are endangered, I’ll have to go into a protective crouch! And I watch the news a lot! THANKS!!!

    Robert K. Blechman recently posted The New Twitter Mystery Continues! This Week's Amazing Tweets!.

  52. Aw, man. Now I have a visual of Lord Voldemort’s penis.

    Punky Coletta recently posted I Can See Her Vagina From the Kitchen Window.

  53. I think that is one of the only animals that gets cuter as it gets older…

    Tanya recently posted Unhealthy, Robotic Attachment.

  54. That animated Neil Gaiman story has left me with tingles and chills. Very cool.

    Fern Kali recently posted The Cat With No Name.

  55. Penises can end up eating your family too, you know. All-in-all I think I’d stick with the baby polar bears, thank you very much.

    Claire J recently posted [7 Pictures, 7 Stories].

  56. Why did you have to ruin the illusion? I so much wanted that to be a real baby polar bear.

    Lovelyn recently posted Go Girl.

  57. Roasted or deep fried?

    Tom Stronach recently posted Seared Plaice with Spicy Butter Beans.

  58. Pink with white fur? None that I’ve seen lately…were you guys hallucinating?

    Calgary snow removal recently posted Lawn Care Special Offer.

  59. Polar bears are people eating machines.

  60. I can’t think of a good response because I’m trying to scratch my own eyes out after seeing Voldemort’s junk.

    whatimeant2say recently posted I Suppose this is Why I Wasn’t Picked to Be the New Secretary of State.

  61. With all this talk of Voldmort’s junk, I’m now wondering if some poor girl ever slept with him and had that unleashed on her.

    Anne Stinnett recently posted In Case of Possession, Do Not Break Glass.

  62. I knew there was something off about the Voldemort spelling. I just woke up.

    Anne Stinnett recently posted In Case of Possession, Do Not Break Glass.

  63. Can’t sleep, Voldemort’s penis’ll get me. Can’t sleep, Voldemort’s penis’ll get me.
    This is worse than the Hogwarts/squid slash fiction.

    Nara recently posted Apparently there’s a big sporty-type-thingy today, so here:.

  64. The tears coming from the left eye of the cartoon also look like a penis with legs… :O

    Oly recently posted I just wanted to say....

  65. No way. The naked mole rat is definitely the “penis with arms and legs” of the animal kingdom:

  66. I’m still imagining a real penis with arms and legs – penis extremities. I’m not sure if I find that intriguing or horrifying.

    Crystal recently posted A Fake Blog Post – Manuscript Excerpt.

  67. I showed the “after” picture to my son (age 4). He said: “Those look gross… like something only somebody gross would want to play with.”

    Amanda recently posted Play time!.

  68. That totally looks like Lord Voldemort’s junk, Hermione told me so…

    Amanda @ Survival Guide by The Working Mom recently posted Crazy Cupid Giveaway: Aqua Chef Smart Cooker.

  69. I respectfully disagree, those real baby polar bears are totally adorbs!

    Kelly at Cibatarian recently posted FYI.

  70. 70
    Mike (Firefighter in MN)

    Wait…. other peoples penises DON’T have arms and legs?

    Well. This explains a lot about prom.

  71. OMG, you totally buried the lead this week in the kick-ass-stuff-you-pinned section! Followed the pin labeled “Eleven Prints That Belong on Your Wall,” one of which was a pink sign that said “you make the best cereal.” In the corner was a tag for Oh. My. God. GOLDMINE.

    In the last 3 minutes I’ve gotten “8 out of 10 coworkers agree your desk is the cleanest,” “you think of the funniest names for wi-fi connections,” “your cousins refer to you as ‘the cool cousin,” and “I’m not telling you what to do, but you could pull off orange corduroy.” Jenny, are you the secret mastermind behind this site? Fantastic! It’s your new bicycle all over again!

    (You’re totally right. Putting it in the main page now. PS. Your outfit = THUMBS UP. ~ Jenny)

  72. I kind of feel bad for you if the penises in your life look like that. In other news “Voldemort’s junk”- omg hahahahahahaha!!!!

  73. I coulda gone a thousand lifetimes without thinking about what Voldemort’s business looks like. Now my mind’s retina is singed forever.

    Thanks for that. *shudder*

    Robin Dance recently posted Go ahead. Make my day..

  74. No one wants a penis? What a cruel, cruel, cruel thing to even think, much less say.

  75. Nooo! I should have stopped at the first picture

    Mayor Gia recently posted In Another Episode of Animal Shaming...

  76. Reading Harry Potter is never going to be the same…

    Robyn Webb recently posted A Synopsis of Embarrassing Things I Did in My Life to Make You Feel Better About Yours.

  77. I should have known better than to look at something to which you said “and now you can never unsee it.”

    Annadanna (from Canada) recently posted Turns out I'm a creepy hoarder.

  78. I have never in my life needed a laugh more than I needed it today. Thanks for the line about Voldemort’s junk.

    Chuck Baudelaire recently posted I'm in the Wrong Business.

  79. Damnit! I still thought they were cute til you brought up Voldemort. They are still cute. But Voldemort is so much worse now…

    Ms Burrows recently posted Goldilocks and the Bicuspid Valve.

  80. I’d like to type a kick-ass, smart-ass comment, but I now have to dig my eyeballs out with a spoon…
    Thanks, Jenny.

  81. Voldemort’s penis looks like a polar bear cub? Aw, that’s just wrong on so many levels. Poor bear cub can’t help he looks like a penis with appendages. Now you just kicked his self esteem into the gutter by saying he looks like an evil, racist warlock’s penis. Way to kick a cub when he’s down.

    You can make up for it though!

    By voting DAILY for Cate G. in the Scotties (Tissue) “trees rock!” video contest. She’s from my home town–which technically isn’t even a town. Although, her school is supposed to win up to $10,000 to improve their outdoor area, for some reason they are not able to accept. So, Scotties allowed her to pick an alternate organization. So, she chose the I Can! Art & Resource Center. (Also, located in my hometown.) It’s a fabulous organization dedicated to providing dance, music, arts, and sports to children of all levels of ability. They are currently trying to raise money to create an outdoor playground that is disability friendly and the money would go a long way toward that goal.

    Thanks for reading & voting! Please feel free to share!

    Michelle recently posted The tragic tale of the magical card that almost died, but was saved, only to realize it wasn't so special after all..

  82. I will never be able to look either Voldermort _or_ polar bears the same way again….with a straight face.

    brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

    Sj recently posted Mirror, Mirror On The Wall......

  83. So one could conclude based on Jenny’s observations and the original pin that it will be a grown up penis with arms and legs that will eat our families? On the other hand I am totally bummed because I can join the rankings of those that totally bought that the original pin was a real polar bear (and wanted one to hold myself)

  84. I had never tried to picture Voldemort’s junk before…but now I can’t stop thinking about it. Is there an amnesia spell for that?

    Maple Syrup Land recently posted Streamlining, technology brain farts and prehistoric bird shit.

  85. Penises? With mouths and eyes and claws? Eep. That’s quite scary.

    I’ll stick to little polar bears, thank you.

    Sabrina recently posted Ridiculously Cheap Books at the Boekenfestijn (which is where you want to go if you love books).

  86. Maybe J.K. Rowling originally planned to reveal in Book 7 that the reason behind everything–the Death Eaters, the Horcruxes, all of it–was that Voldemort was born with hairless baby polar bears for balls and was taking it out on the world. But then J.K. Rowling’s editor said no, this is a book for children, and J.K. Rowling had to change it.

    Jillian recently posted Short Post and a Song #39.

  87. I love Neil. That was creepy as hell.

  88. I think maybe polar bears should pass on the photo shoots until they get adorable.

    And before the start eating your face.

    That would be the best time.

    HogsAteMySister recently posted Stubbed Toes and Mercurochrome.

  89. OMG imagine the possibilities IF penises did have arms and legs

  90. Not sure I want to remember this post lol. Voldemorts’s junk indeed PMSL.

  91. Is it wrong that I find the penis with arms and legs, not to mention claws, oddly cute? Yes? No? I’ll go with no.

    Christina @ The Beautiful Balance recently posted January Recap 2013.

  92. Rachel Federman kicks ASS! And as a side note, TYVM for the mental brain bleach I need because now I’m contemplating Voldemort’s private parts. *middle finger towards Texas*

  93. There is no way that’s a handmade toy! The eyes look too real! I demand proof! I want one!

  94. Is it bad that the only thing I could think about while reading all these comments is that I think the plural of penis should be peni (long i)?

    pam recently posted Paranoia at its finest.

  95. Shit. I should have never scrolled down. I could have gone to bed with the warm and fuzzies, but now I’m digusted and need a drink . Why did you have to ruin it! Why Jenny?!

    One Classy Motha recently posted Free Advice Friday – The perfect pet does exist..

  96. This whole post is awesome!
    that is all :)

    Rea recently posted Like-minded parents DO exist!.

  97. I was fine seeing them. Then you brought up the Penis That Must Not Be Named. Now I’ll never have sex again.

  98. I can’t believe I’ve never once before contemplated what Voldemort’s snake-junk might look like. And now that I have, I can’t UN-contemplate it. Thanks awfully…

    Adrasteia recently posted Latest pieces in progress.

  99. This is the final push for me to learn magic to prevent those V-penises from eating my family.

    Melissa recently posted So this is why I get weird looks at the grocery store.

  100. I bet Voldemort is one of those creeps that refuse to wear condoms. EVER. I can’t imagine what one might catch off of that pale lovestick.

    Shamelessly Sassy recently posted Roller Rally: When I Dip You Dip We Dip.

  101. They look suspiciously like baby gerbils.

    Mrs. Tuna recently posted Sheldon Takes the Plunge.

  102. On the topic of other mammals that look like genitalia (As in “I’ll take Other mammals that look like genitalia for $1000, Alex.”): Naked mole rats- the penises with teeth!

  103. Penis bears. Do they shrink when they get in that icy water?

    Vanessa recently posted Live Blogging the Super Bowl.

  104. I need help. My friend has a plan with lots of detail and a note. How do I help when I am the only person she trusts? I want to help, but I am scared to contact her family if I am the only person she is talking to. Help me help her. I am so lost. Should I break that trust and contact her husband? Please help. Lost.

    (She has a suicide note? Contact her family immediately and have them get her help this morning. Also, call the suicide hotline for help on how to help her. Right now she’s not thinking straight and you’re the only one who can help her help herself. You can’t do it alone. Call her family. Call the suicide hotline. Know that you are not alone. Thank you for being such a good friend to her. ~ Jenny)

  105. 105
    Telzey Amberdon

    So, what the heck IS that wee little cutie pie in the person’s hand if not a baby polar bear. Because I want one!

  106. Oh man, I feel so famous right now… I love Jenny’s pins!! But seriously, she ruined it

  107. I wish the former was the real baby polar bear. The latter will be the stuff of nightmares mixed in with Doctor Who villains. *shudder*

    jesspants recently posted SNKR – moar owls!.

  108. 108
    Lady Penelope

    Now *that* is how to wear a chunky shawl collar cardigan! Hurrah for Menswear Dog!
    All others who try; thou art an unmuzzled onion-eyed clotpole.

    BTW, that can’t be Voldermort’s junk; it has two eyes…

  109. I am officially jealous. I mean, why is it you can make statements like that and your hubby doesn’t accuse you of actually wnating to SEE Lord Voldermort’s junk? *sigh*

    Chris Dean recently posted Ally And Emilio, 25 Years Later.

  110. Jenny, from your comments, I believe Victor needs to see an urologist.

  111. Peeing in my pants over the polar bear convo btween you & rachel….hi-lar-eeee-us. Then these comments……i cant take it!

    Read your book, (bought it for my Nook, then my BFF gave it to me for xmas….she & I never discussed you before so it was crazy psychic of her) Loved every minute of it, cried when it was over……..write me more or just come over & tell me stories. I am good with either!

  112. Plot Twist: His penis casts Avrakedavra and you die.

  113. Is that a polar bear in your pocket?

    Mary recently posted Chat- en Oeuf Rouge.

  114. Between the emergency compliment & shakespeare insult links, you’ve made my world a brighter place. Thank you!

    Eileen recently posted Terry’s Story.

  115. The conversation is better than the photo for sure.

    mommylisa recently posted I wear cool sunglasses and follow directions..

  116. So good!!!! The thing about Voldemort is perfect. I die!

  117. I suppose, deep down, I assumed Lord Voldemort’s junk had rotted away like his nose. Thanks for this image, which I can never, ever, remove from my mind.

    Julie recently posted Fishfingers and Custard: A Timey Wimey Birthday.

  118. I have a vocabulary question. Is something made out of animal parts to look like an animal still taxidermy if it imitates something that doesnt’ exist? What WOULD you call it?

  119. I still want a baby polar bear. It would grow up to be adorable. And hungry too, I guess. Crap.

    Allison recently posted How Are They Connected? A Musical Investigation.

  120. I like the fake polar bear baby better than the real ones.

    Oh, and that zombie video? GENIUS!!

    Shan @ Last Shreds Of Sanity recently posted Hello, It’s Cold.

  121. Great, I’m looking up photos of newborn polar bears.

    BiPagan recently posted Booklist 2012, 35 "books" this year.

  122. My husband and I laughed so hard at the penises with arms and legs comment. That is all.

  123. They didn’t look like penises to me. So I kept staring at them and turning my head and squinting to try to MAKE them look like penises. I’m at work, trying to make polar bears look like penises. It’s pretty much the American dream.

    Jessica recently posted What to Expect When Your Friends are Expecting.

  124. You just made me feel loads better… I thought I was the only pervert who’s been wondering what Voldemort’s junk looks like. Thank you!

  125. I would just think of the fake baby polar bear instead…..

    Mexmom recently posted His new obssesion.

  126. Ohmygod, you pinned my paper dolls!!!!!! I’m so excited!

    Nara recently posted See? I said this wouldn’t end well. Should have had her spayed, you silly owl..

  127. I’d totally suck Voldemort’s dick if it looked like that.

  128. i don’t buy the ‘real’ baby polar bear photos either. i was under the impression that polar bears have black skin. those appear to be puppies that were debuted unfortunately early. for shame, buzz killers! let us have our cute delusions. reality is penislike enough, already!

  129. I still think they’re adorable ;)

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