I don't usually post about my cat that much. Wait. Yes, I do.

in Random Crap

Today I’m in New York on book tour.  Come see me?  Pretty please?

Until I’m back I’m posting old posts in the hope because you’ll think they’re new if you have ADD like me.  It’s a blessing.  And a curse.

************

 

Ferris Mewler is back from the animal hospital today, after losing both his claws (it was medically necessary.  Stop judging me) and his testicles (for cosmetic reasons.  Kidding.).  He’ll be in a hard collar for the rest of the week, much to the amusement of the other cats, whom he has mercilessly terrorized and bullied since day one.  I’m usually not one for sharing 200 pictures of my cat, but today it’s hard not to make an exception.  He looks like he’s dressed like a martini for Halloween.

Homecoming:

It's easy for cats to be sarcastic, because they can't accidentally laugh in the middle of their insults.
There was *nothing* accidental about this.
"What? Take a nap. I won't pee on you. WHY WOULD I?"
A lesser person probably would have considered making a game of seeing how many ping-ping balls she could throw in there, but *I* would never do that. BECAUSE I LOVE THAT DAMN CAT. And also because I don't own any ping-pong balls.
I do, however, own dry-erase markers.

128 thoughts on “I don't usually post about my cat that much. Wait. Yes, I do.”

Read comments below or add one.

  2. The first picture has always been one of my favorites. I never noticed he is a polydactyl before.

  3. It’s all fun and games until some stupid humans think it would be a good idea to put the Cone of Shame on themselves (after their 125lb Goldendoodle gets neutered) after a few three-many glasses of wine, and unbeknownst to her, her 18 year old daughter snaps a pic with her cell phone which then somehow, months later, gets printed and then mailed out with each of the family’s Christmas cards the following year, with the caption, “It was the only way to keep mom from using this as an Art Deco lampshade during one of her “Resolve to Re-Use Everything” phases she was going through.”

    Not that I would know anything about that personally though. It happened to a friend of mine.

  5. Ah memories…This is the post that made me follow you in the first place. It stills makes me laugh uncontrollably.

  6. I LOVE the mustache! I think you showed great restraint to stop there. I would probably have drawn various other facial decorations all of the way around the cone of shame so I could turn it randomly for hours of endless amusement.

  7. Oh, I have never had to cone my cats. They pee to get back at me already I would hate to see what they would do if I had to cone one of them.

  10. …and that my friends, is why it is called the Cone of Shame. Love Ferris. Although he does have quite the potty mouth.

  11. heh, I love your cats. They are so full of personality and guts.

    PS! Thank you so much for the signed Geek-a-Week card! I didn’t get to do any fan-stuff as a kid. Experiencing it now, feels a bit childish, but pfft, it made my day and then some! Thank you! 😀

  14. Wish they made those cones for kids because that ping pong ball game sounds like fun and I don’t have pets yet.

  15. Well at least its all fancy and shit now. I can almost hear the cat asking someone to pass the canapes. I want to go to a party where canapes are served.

  16. What a great way to start the day. With a laugh. Cats are good for that and so is your blog. Have fun on tour.

  17. My clawless Tigger has benefits – when he joins me in the morning for newspaper reading time and settles in to make biscuits, there’s less screaming on my part. In the UK, they don’t call it “making biscuits”, they call it “milk treading” someone told me.

  20. Love it! I wish you were coming to Nashville, I would love to see you and figure out how you would sign your e-book on my Kindle.

  21. I spit my coffee all over my computer screen. I love cats, and these pictures are hysterical!!

    I’m reading your book – awesomeness on a stick.

  22. That first picture is so freaking funny! I snorted and then sat and looked at it for like 10 minutes – crying laughing. That is exactly what it looks like they are saying!! 🙂

  23. I love when my animals have cones, just so I can make fun of them. You are of course the luckiest to be able to publicly humiliate them on such a wide scale. Lucky duck.

  26. We knew that our kitten, Blue, (affectionately known more commonly as Dr. Evil) was done with the whole cone of shame business when he peed on our floor. It was about day 5 and we immediately released him from his plastic prison, fearing what else he might do!

  27. Just so you know…. I finally made it into a bookstore and bought your book last night. (I know, it took me long enough… I have issues with stores. Don’t judge me!) And the sales clerk got so excited when she saw what I was buying…”You are so going to love this book! It is so good! Enjoy!” At least I could walk out with a smile!

  29. Hilarious. I am a dog person but the cone of shame always cracks me up. Thanks for coming to New Jersey last night! And for teaching my daughter the term fellatio. She’s 18. It’s time she knows the technical terms.

  30. Almost as good as when my dog had to have bandages on both of her front feet for a week. She tried to walk on her hinds legs but couldn’t quite get the balance right. She ended up looking like a cross between a dancing circus bear and a drunk frat boy trying to crawl home. In the fine tradition of pet owners everywhere I took a video and then laughed every time I showed it to someone.

  31. The snowquester has caused my wittiness to disappear. Here’s to a wonderful day in NY. There’s no pretending for you – You are good at it.

  32. My friend Kelly saw you last night in New Jersey! I was there in spirit. Or she called me afterwards. Whichever you want to call that.

  34. Love the photos! Reminds me of a sign outside an Animal Hospital that said:
    “It’s all fun and games until somebody winds up in a cone”

  35. I wish I could have cats where I live… I had to leave my little black fat witches cat Artemis in Vancouver when I moved to Toronto.
    I’m waiting for a new psychiatrist to call me and set up an appointment, I’ve been experiencing work related anxiety at my shit minimum wage job, as well as social anxiety when I hang out with people. I’m also scitzoaffective. I spend an inordinate amount of time alone… In that time I wrote a book of poetry. I self published it on lulu.com. It’s called Daydreams in the Darkness and is by me Kevin T McCrank. I’ve sold one whole copy in the two days its been up I’m doing pretty well.

    I have this poem inside of the book…

    Bitstream

    Digital data flows
    The lines are all closed
    My bit stream cracks the wall
    ICE begins to fall
    I prepare the network
    For my penetration
    It takes only a moment
    Of deliberation
    Your trail heats up
    In the digital ICE
    I follow your lines
    To the network signs
    I am a digital Mind
    The data drives me blind
    Now I’m close
    I can feel your robes
    Intrusion detected
    Firewalls active
    File system freezes out
    A crash ensues
    I begin to shout
    Now I know what its about
    Your trail heats up
    In the digital ICE
    I follow your lines
    To the network signs
    I am a digital Mind
    The data drives me blind
    What was taken
    I can see
    I have a new system
    Heating up inside of me
    I am a digital construct
    Activate self destruct
    Intrusion detected
    Virus active
    Logout the system
    Grid down.

    Only about a dozen of the more than 50 poems have been posted on my blog. Now I just have to finish two web series I hope to get produced and the novelization of the good one of those. It’s a good thing I’m quitting my job to become a drug dealer. Only pot, but still, I’ll be living dangerously and selling what I use to deal with Anxiety.
    I love you Bloggess! You are such an inspiration to Mentally Ill writers everywhere!!!!

  38. I love the cat mustache. And I just got your book in the mail today and am super, super excited to start reading it. Cheers! (because I will be drinking vodka while reading this book).

  41. AWESOME!! I’m not really a cat person, but I am for making fun of them.

  45. I SPY A POSEY IN THOSE PICURES! <3

    I can't come see you in New York, but assuming Mother Nature doesn't fvck up you getting here, I will come see you tomorrow. I'll even bring you a diet coke if you'd like.

  46. So cute! I love all your captions! My son was looking at these pictures and was laughing at all of them.(he is 3)

  47. The cone of shame is the WORST. When we got the dog neutered, it was the longest 10 days of my life. That stupid cone smelled so awful. Making fun of the dog was my only relief! I now wish I had thought of the dry-erase mustache.

  48. When I first read “after losing both his claws” I thought “Huh? He only had two claws??”

    I am curious as to why it was necessary to remove his claws, tho..?

    Our cats had to do the cone thing after they got fixed. Mine (who’s daft) just patiently put up with it until we set her free. My housemate’s (who’s psychotic) ripped it off repeatedly until we stopped bothering. Neither of them seemed all that bothered 🙂

    (He’s polydactl so he was born with lots of extra toes and the claws were growing into his paws. The vet recommended it. He was able to keep most of his back claws though. ~ Jenny)

  50. OMG, this was the first blog post I ever read of yours!!! Still funny.

  53. I would gladly have shipped you pin pong balls if I had seen the original when this first happened. lolol. Cats are sooo fun!

  54. They gave Orko a floppy fabric cone so I couldn’t draw a mustache on it… stupid dog friendly cones.

  55. My cat got his name because of the cone he wore after being sterilized, but in Swedish. Tratten which really means The Funnel, but it does look like a funnel and he was so cute and totally useless with a funnel on.

  57. Sorry I won’t be visiting you even though NY is close by, thought you would not want the virus I have. It’s horrible. You definitely don’t want to see me that much.

  58. Have fun in New York – wish you were coming to DC! Alas! Next time maybe 🙂

  60. I CANNOT wait to see you in Naperville tomorrow night!! (I know it says Chicago but that is a lie.) We had LOTS of snow Tuesday so I hope you make it ok. Let me know if you want to do something fun besides your appearance!! I am the queen of fun in Naperville.

  61. One of the first posts I ever read of yours…..and the mustache photo made me laugh so hard, and still does. Love mustache Ferris.

  62. Out of curiosity, how can he eat while wearing that? I have no direct Cone of Shame experience, so I’m clueless about this.

  65. I like the results of the dry erase markers better than the ping pong balls. More for the other kitties to make fun of.

  66. I think I would have to paint a ping pong ball to look like an olive, or give him a monocle to go with his mustache!

  72. Clearly you’ve been pretending to be great a LOT, because you were AWESOME last night in Jersey!

  74. You should totally let us, your adoring- slightly -warped- completely- devoted fans, vote for our favorite post to be reused. Personally, I loved the one about going to a new shrink where you drew kittens on the forms and showed your phone the parking lot. I go back and read that one whenever I have to go to a new doctor.

  76. I snorted my coke all over my laptop. No wonder my IT department hates me.

  78. I must have missed this the first time around. Either that, or cats with mustachios are just so funny that they work double. I hope your book tour is going well! Stay warm up there.

  80. Oh my gosh. This had me laughing out loud. I also think Ferris Mewler is THE BEST name I have ever heard.

  83. Buahahahahaha!
    That’s awesome. Not a huge cat fan but that is some funny shit.

  84. This made my day! Thank you so much. I really needed a smile.

    Please, please, please come to Washington, D.C. on your book tour!! My book club (We call ourselves the wolf pack it is a delightful story which I’d love to tell you in person) would be first in line!

  85. I would love to come see you… but um I have therapy then. True story.

    Really sad I can’t see you 🙁

  89. Hi Jenny,
    Is it weird that I a little bit think of you as an “internet friend”. You have such a bite to your humor and write in such a vulnerable way. I connect with it. So, thank you for doing that. I’ve been thinking of your book tour, and you’re coming through Kansas City later in the month. I want to go. I have no money. Okay, technically, I have money; I have $2.87 in the bank right now and there is likely a few coins under the dryer. Here’s the math: (Cold weather gas bills + working only a few hours)x depression = rough times. I don’t have the money, right now, to buy your book on order to attend the tour stop. Here’s my proposal, would you be willing to “donate” a book to me with the understanding that when I get the same cover price I will donate that money to a non-profit of your choice. No is certainly an option for an answer. It was just an idea that I had and I didn’t want to regret not asking.

    All of that aside, thank you for your openness and support for all of us who are trying to survive our own mental illness. It’s hard and your writing lets everyone know that you get it.

  90. Is it cruel that I love it when the vet says my cat will have to wear the cone? It’s like pay-back for all the bat shit they put me through…

  92. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow in Chicago!!! I even bought an extra book so I can give a signed copy to my best friend for her birthday. Also, I love the re-posts since I’m usually too lazy/forgetful to go back and read the ones I missed.

  93. Ha! Moustache on cone of shame is such a BRILLIANT idea!

    And those who don’t think animals have facial expressions need only look at one in a cone of shame…

    P.S. You draw *exceptional* moustaches (moustachi / moustacheges?)

    P.P.S Cara (Eli) #10 – name your price

  95. Have loved your work for a couple of years now. We know the same dud in New Zealand, Yep he be my family. Your are great and I enjoy you very much.

  98. Mustachio Ferris Mewler always makes me laugh and feel good about the day (yes, it’s 8:30 at night, but my day starts at 8pm). I’m glad the little guy is home and only feeling the burns of mockery.

  99. I’m so glad that I read this blog, and the comments.

    The slight peccadillo of tossing “ping-ping balls” (sic) is MORE than made up for by your meritorious and selfless service in teaching 18 year ladies about fellatio.

    We men of earth thank you.

  101. You didn’t really have your cat declawed, did you? There is nothing funny about inflicting pain on animals. I loved your book but I am sickened by this blog. I’m sorry I looked you up because I feel sick to my stomach. If this is true, I hope all of your pets run away.

  102. Greetings, I am the infamous scoundrel Ferrizio Muellero. I am mysterious and intriguing. Come, sip a tequila with me as I tell you my stories of conquest and intergalactic space travel.

  104. sorry i missed the NYC book thing-y today (thanks for saving the seat for me – lol) – and the cat photos made me laugh – again! esp the moustache!

  105. Ferris Mewler is EXCEPTIONAL. But I have some kind of sick tabby fetish so don’t go by what I say here.

    Our cat Patrick Henry had one of those cones, and he promptly went to the basement, grabbed it with all four paws and ripped it right off. He didn’t seem worried that he might rip off his own head in the process. In fact, I think he was almost hoping that’s what would happen.

  106. I thought of this :
    Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr.

    …but it looks more like this :
    Hard kitty, cold kitty, knotted ball of fur, angry kitty, cranky kitty, grr grr grr!

  107. I’M A VIRGIN! I mean a blog commenting virgin. Although I would love to be the other kind of virgin again, then I could be the 42 year old virgin. SORRY… It’s my ADD… I got side-tracked for why I am commenting. I LOVE your blog. Ok, no that’s boring. But it’s true! I saw today that there are studies that show that Mother Theresa might have been starving people just so she could help them. So actually… YOU REALLY ARE “LIKE MOTHER THERESA, ONLY BETTER”!! Because you don’t starve people… and you are nice to cats… except when you have them pose in wigs. That’s not nice. It’s fucking HILARIOUS!!!

  108. Lol, not to sound spamalicious or anything, but I love how this one was designed. Prior to reading this entry, they only time I had ever seen the “personal photos and captions to chronicle a funny story” method was on my own. Love the story too. Cats are hilarious. I grew up on a farm with literally thousands of cats who came and went over the years. At our cat’s lowest population phase, we had probably 25. And they were all descendants of the same cat named Grandma Cheeseburger (name was originally just “Cheeseburger” because during mating seasons, her ears would become scabby due to being bitten by male cats and my younger bro who was 3 at the time, pointed at them and called them “cheeseburgers.” Grandma because she became every cat’s grandma). Our cat supply became pretty inbred, for there is always one “big cheese” male cat of the farm who runs the entire territory and cock-blocks any other cat who tries to mate with it’s second cousins, first cousins, sisters, mother, great-great-great grandma, etc. because he is the only one allowed to do so. Have come up with all sorts of skits or shows involving our cats… When the prison show, “Oz” was popular, I considered making a spoof skit-series based off “Oz” with the tabby cats having Italian accents, the black cats having African American accents, the orange/yellow cats having Hispanic accents, the white cats sounding like white-collar Caucasians, etc. Fun times.

    And I must admit, having a ping pong ball AND the moustache in and on that martini thing would be…..quite comical. He would be licking like crazy to get that ping pong ball out and every time he licked, he would appear to be licking something out of his moustache.

  110. My husband currently hates me. I have been sitting here reading your posts to him while he attempts to sleep. I’m cracking up, my cat has turned to the evil eye, my dog said “fuck you” and took over my pillow, and my husband keeps asking me to shut up. Ever see the YouTube video of the annoying roommate on the bunk bed? Yeah… that’s my husband. Okay, I’m done rambling.

  111. As a youth, I always wanted to just pour the cat food into the cone to see what happened. Never got around to it. Let me know if you try and the results.

    Jason
    The Cheeky Daddy

  114. I sometimes dress my dogs up to take pictures of them. I feel this is only fair because sometimes they do very bad things around the house. I like the mustache!

  115. I used to have a cat named Winky who had to wear the cone of shame after his sex change operation (medically necessary – don’t judge me!) Far from being ashamed, though, he used it to his advantage. He figured out how to climb up on the cat tree while being cone-impaired, and then he would dive bomb the other cats with the cone making a nice whooshing sound to increase the terror of the victim. Then he learned how to take the cone off, but he liked it so much he learned how to put it back on. What a great cat!

  116. I am literally crying laughing so hard at the last 2 pictures. Thank you once again for making my day!

  118. hahah~ i luv the last picture!! wish i thought of that when my dog had the cone after surgery..thx for the laugh!

  119. Jean March 7, 2013 at 10:10 am, feei share the loss of shame and fun at their expense with you. when i had my beagle baby become gender neutral, s/he (shit for short) used it 24/7 as a scoop to throw balls at you to catch. if you weren’t aware a ball was coming at you was your own fault. i mean, nothing is ever a beagles fault. ask one. and they have no off switch…

  121. I am mourning the loss of my own kitty this week, but this has helped me to smile after a devastating loss! Thanks for helping me through this tough time with your awesome humor & imagination!

  124. That is awesome! It reminds me of the new JennaMarbles video on YouTube, ” how to mildly annoy your dogs”

  126. Did none of those who judged the de-clawing mention notice the term “medically necessary”? Do you honestly think that someone who cares about her pets so much would do that to a cat for her own convenience. Sheesh.

  127. Mini-marshmallows would have performed excellently in lieu of ping pong balls. Do I have to do everything for you people?

  128. OMG!! I am seriously howling….
    I can’t stop laughing at this. I am pretty sure he meant everything you put on those pics 😉

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