Today I’m in Chicago on book tour. Come see me? Pretty please?
I’m busy with travel so instead of new posts I’m totally phoning it in with reruns from years ago. But you’ve probably forgotten this one so it’s like it’s brand new. Sort of.
Most people know about my horrible giant squid phobia so my inbox is always littered with terrible squid news that makes me want to poison the sea even more than I already do, but today I got an email from my friend Desiree who thought I should know about this new jellyfish and I was all, “Whatever, dude. Its arms are like soggy pixie sticks. Why would I be afraid of this?” and she was like “Well, maybe because THEY’RE FUCKING IMMORTAL.” And then I looked a little closer and got totally freaked out because I’m pretty sure these things are goddamn vampires. Hang on. Here’s the picture:
And here’s the same picture after I’ve made it a little more clear. Because some of you don’t have enough imagination. Or vodka. And I’m here to help.
And there are two problems here. One is that vampires are supposed to be sexy, and these? Not so much. Secondly? Werewolf eels. I’m not sure they exist but if vampire jellyfish are real then pretty much all bets are off, y’all. This is why I recommend that we dump enough gelatin into the oceans to make it into an enormous jello and then we can piece it out and pick out all the vampires the same way that you pick all the pears out of your jello salad. Then we stab all the jellyfish in their hearts with a stake. Or put them in a big aquarium and let them fight it out and charge people to bet on the vampire-gladiator death matches. And then we spend all that money on healthcare. I think I just solved the healthcare crisis and wiped out vampires. Plus? Free jello. You’re welcome, America.
PS. In vaguely related news I just found my new sleeping bag:
It’s in the shape of a bear so if I get attacked by bears at night I won’t get eaten because the bear will be all “Oh! Pardon me. I didn’t know you were in here” and then I’ll make the bear’s head say “No problem. I was just devouring this girl. By the way, how did you get in here?” and the bear will be like “Oh, some asshole left the front door unlocked” and then I’ll be all “Victor, you asshole! You didn’t lock the front door again!” and then the jig is up. This is why I’m going to put a reminder post-it note inside the bear sleeping bag that says: “DON’T YELL AT VICTOR IN FRONT OF BEARS” but probably we’re all fucked because I have pretty much no impulse control when I’m mad about people not locking doors. It takes two seconds and IT FUCKING SAVES LIVES. Only you can prevent us being murdered by bear when we sleep, Victor. And then I pointed out that it was pretty selfless of me to sleep in a bear sleeping bag to save the rest of the family and Victor pointed out that I’m really only saving me and that we’d never even seen a bear in real life and that I’d probably poke an eye out just sleeping in it and then I’d have to explain to the doctor that my eye got eaten by my sleeping bag. Then I started to disagree but then I remembered that last week I got stabbed by chicken so technically he has a point.
PPS. Victor just said that he’s “not the only person who lives here and maybe I could get off my ass and lock the damn door myself” but excuse me, I’M WEARING A BEAR. I don’t have opposable thumbs in this bear sack, jackhole. Honestly, it’s like he wants the bears in here.